Psiche

New version has 'fountain of crown'

2009-12-26T07:46:00.001-06:00

There's a new Psiche post on the new version of the blog!
http://www.palyne.com/blog.psiche/the-fountain-of-crown/

Don't forget this blog has changed addresses! The RSS feeds are now:

RSS for Posts for the new blog:
http://www.palyne.com/blog.psiche/feed/

RSS for Comments for the new blog:
http://www.palyne.com/blog.psiche/comments/feed/

Blog Upgrade - New Address

2009-12-20T13:26:00.003-06:00

I'm moving my cheap-free blogs to better software on my own home domain.
Puhleeeeeze update your visit or RSS addresses! to the following:

Visit the new blog (design/links still construction):
http://www.palyne.com/blog.psiche/

RSS for Posts for the new blog:
http://www.palyne.com/blog.psiche/feed/

RSS for Comments for the new blog:
http://www.palyne.com/blog.psiche/comments/feed/

I'd already done such laborious work moving all the posts and comments and such and then went to enter a new post and realized... I need to do that over there! It's not perfect yet for design and crosslinks to other blogs and things like that, but it's coming along. Hey I went to see Avatar in 3D last night. Wow! That movie rocks!

PJ

Re-Incarnation or what?

2009-12-17T01:01:00.002-06:00

My friend K commented (on The Cold Soul):

I hate the thought of reincarnation, though more and more things nudge me to admit that it's a strong possibility, for this very reason. You might be living your life as best you can, thinking you are a relatively good person, but in actuality, you aren't and you weren't and you're going to have to deal with something nasty "you" did thousands of years ago. Except you don't remember any of it, so you can't react in a way that provides long-term (across lifetimes) benefit because you have no idea what the hell is going on.

I totally know what you mean!! I wanted to respond but wanted to make it something larger than a comment.

*

My own relationship to this concept was an odd way coming. I thought that it began in adulthood, when I started intellectually struggling with the details and how I felt about them. But now I see that it pinged me off and on through my life. I have several of the moments written down so I will put them here as a sort of linear overview.

Around age 12 ... I had gone with my older sister to the beach. I was swimming in the ocean, where the waves were delightfully ferocious on occasion. All us children and teenagers in the water shouted gleefully at the biggest waves, and we would dive underneath them to avoid their breaking on us.
This went on for some time, and after awhile the waves had grown calmer. I was looking toward shore to see my sister when I heard my water-mates shout "MONSTER WAVE!" I turned, realized a gigantic wave was about to crash right on me, took as deep a breath as I could and quickly dove deeply under the water to escape.
The sound of several tons of water crashing down on you is loud, even from underwater. I hadn't dived nearly soon enough. The wave abruptly got me, but this time it was different than when this sometimes happened. Suddenly, one second the sound and force was just unbelievable --
-- and the next micro-second, the vast crashing-roaring sound had totally vanished. Everything was absolutely still; absolutely peaceful; and I felt an absolute calm. I don't think I had ever in my life experienced such a *complete* lack of sound or physical sensories. I was just "there," in a there-ness that seemed to have no sound, no motion, and no time. I was distantly aware that my body was a few feet over to the left of where "I" was.
Into my mind came the clearest thought and understanding, the most calm realization I had ever had, an accepted recognition. I said:
Oh. I'm dead again.
I vaguely remembered having been "dead" many times, over what seemed like an impossible measure of time. This was just another time. They all seemed the same to me in some way. Natural and unremarkable. My life was as interesting but as temporal, as transitional, and as fleeting as a book I had just finished reading.
Perhaps half a second later, I "shifted back into" my body. There was this incredibly distant sound, as if it were millions of miles away yet I could hear a whisper of it. The sound "rushed toward me" at an indescribable speed, getting louder and nearer and seemingly larger until suddenly WOW! -- it was all around me and I was twirling underwater, realizing I was in my body and the worst part of the wave had passed. My feet scrambled to find the ocean bottom and I pushed to the surface of the water.
Coughing a bit from the water, I looked around. Everything was as it should be. Children and teenagers laughing and calling in the swells. I could see my sister sunbathing on the beach. Nothing seemed different on the outside. And yet, I felt markedly different. The profound sense of knowing was so much "fuller" than anything I had ever experienced. A kind of knowing that no intellectual assumption about the word can begin to describe. I understood that I was "I" -- and that "I" was a lot more than I seemed, or could even describe.
I was moved to silence. I quietly swam to shore and curled up on a towel in the sun until my sister decided we'd go home.
I didn't tell anybody about it. It was personal in a way nothing had ever been to me. I didn't really even think about it. It was such a given that I felt no wonder, no curiosity, no confusion about it. I understood. That's just the way things were.
(Small note of humor: A movie some years ago had the interesting title, "Dead Again." It was about reincarnation. Since then I have wondered if others have had the same "realization" I did, and if that's where that title came from.)

Despite that experience, I didn't "think about it." I didn't accept it intellectually; I didn't even review it intellectually. I think it was almost like a dream-understanding that you keep under the surface.

Like when I was nine, I dreamed one morning shortly before getting up for school that my mother had died, and she came and talked to me about it, and it was ok. And it was "present but in the back of my head." I had the feeling that something should come up related to her that day or night, but it didn't. Nor the next day. But the next night, I went grocery shopping with my father, who detoured to a drive up on this tall hill in our city that had a lighted cross. And he told my mother had died the morning before. I felt so calm about it, like I had known that of course, and it was ok. Except the minute dad told me, he broke down sobbing. I cried because he cried and because it seemed like I should. But I had an odd sense of calm knowing about it. (I more than made up for the tears with my grief since that day, that's for sure.)

I think that experience was like that. Present in me but in the back of my head, never pulled forward for thinking about. My official religious beliefs at age 12 involved heaven/hell which had no place for that, obviously.

When I was 15, we were studying WWI in the best history class I ever had. I had a rather unusual lunch period one day.

I was running. I was running so hard, so fast, until my chest ached. My feet felt heavy and I could feel my heart pounding like it weighed 10 pounds and was going to burst out of my chest. I was carrying a large gun, running through trees, it was very hot and I wasn't wearing a shirt, and I wasn't thinking about anything except my very intense focus on getting away. I knew I was in the rear of "my" guys running but I didn't see any others.

Finally I felt I'd likely run far enough; I didn't hear anybody pursuing me. I knew I had to stop and rest. I looked around, and backed up against a tree; I stood with my shoulders back against it, the thinnest profile I could make, my gun high against my body, ready to shoot at the slightest motion. I breathed hard but as quietly as I could. And then this -- this feeling at my throat -- cold and yet hot at the same time, and my peripheral vision in that moment registered an arm had just come around the tree and sliced a knife across my throat.

I looked down as if at my throat but I saw the ground, and I think I might have taken a step forward; thoughts ran through my head so quickly... I was going to die... I couldn't possibly die, no, I couldn't believe it... this should hurt terribly or will soon... and as I saw the ground coming toward me, the overriding feeling was mostly one of pure astonishment.

That was it. One minute you're dying in a jungle or forest and the next minute the school bell rings. Talk about a reality shift.

It was such an odd experience I didn't even process it for quite some time. I knew I was a young man, in the experience... there is a lot of information that is "known" in these, like some kind of electromagnetic cloud of information one exists within, that you don't have to think of consciously yet still somehow you are aware of without being consciously-aware of it. It is difficult to explain... I just have to say that such experiences, for me, have been very "conceptual".

It was weeks, at least, before I gave it conscious thought. I understood I had been a soldier in a war and had died. Wildly guessing, I figured Korea or Vietnam, given the landscape.I have always been unusually drawn to and sympathetic to soldiers, if that relates at all.

The problem was, though I wasn't religious, I went to a Baptist church, and there wasn't really any space in that model for having lived another life. Allegedly, I lived this life, and either I did not belong to the appropriate church and would burn tormented in hell forever, or my church was indeed the "right" one, and I would go into some endless bliss with God. There wasn't any middle ground.

Though I had actually realized earlier that I was sort of open to this (multiple lives) idea, that wasn't the same as experiencing it: I really hadn't thought about it consciously much, and hadn't at that time really been exposed to religions and philosophies that include "multiples lives" as a concept. Having no idea how to think about this reasonably, I just didn't. I couldn't process it, so I just forgot for some time.

It was the same history class that seemed to later spark another of that kind of experience:

I found myself looking at a group of people. I knew we were in a small room and they were "my" people and we were in a terrible situation. We were all so thin... we were so miserable there are just no words for the degree of it. I knew we were all going to die. Maybe that day. Maybe in 10 minutes. Maybe tomorrow. But soon. It seemed inevitable, the way the sun going down seems inevitable, and as horrible as it was, some part of me fought to just accept it, for my own sanity... in a way, hope hurt on a moment-to-moment basis.

A door opened and I turned to look -- I know there was a man there but I don't remember what he looked like -- I just remember thinking so powerfully then that it seemed to burst in my chest and black out vision: now was the time we would die. It was just such a terrible feeling of grief. Not even fear anymore. Just such profound grief for the whole horrible inevitable situation.

As I recorded it previously: Then it was past. It hadn't been as "intense" in physical-feeling as the first experience had been; I hadn't felt much with "my body"; but I had more than made up for it by the degree of emotion.

It was a few weeks later when we got to the first pictures and films of the Jews (and others) in concentration camps. I knew the minute I saw the first film that this was what my weird "reliving-memory" had been about. That I had been there... that I remembered. I remember sitting in class watching this grainy, black and white movie, sort of in a state of shock... yet acceptance. Oddly enough, the black and white films seemed closer to the feeling I'd had in the experience than color would have: my whole existence had seemed so bleak and colorless that the grainy movies were almost an appropriate confirmation to the experience.

*

Later, studying hypnosis, I was introduced to the idea of 'past life regressions'. I was a medical-model skeptic to match that of the official school I eventually went to for that. It was considered a projection; a "doctor, my friend has this problem..." kind of thing. People who could not handle their emotions or issues in the current framework, would invent another one that allowed them to act out those feelings. That seemed reasonable to me. And as I watched hundreds of PLRs on videotape as well as many in person, it became clear why they believed this; it really did seem to be so.

Except. Except the few. There was always just that one, here and there, that was different. The trance was so deep the session was boring as dirt, long delays and brief responses. The person never seemed to have an interesting life; they would be some nobody peasant in the 1500s who died in the snow or something. I had the mocking scoffer attitude that "everyone is cleopatra" but this cured me of that. The thing was, you could FEEL inside you that something was different about these sessions.

I couldn't put my finger on it but I realized it consciously and watched some of them several times on video, trying to figure it out. Why did that one seem utterly convincing while another didn't? Especially when there was far less data and fluency in the one that "got you inside." And after the session, the subjects were different. The more people talked, the more it was 'imaginal'. (And you know I validate imaginal stuff now, haha! But that is not the same as revivification.) Those sessions that really "felt real," the subjects could hardly speak at all afterward. They were too blown away by it, a shell-shock of the soul.

This profoundly trashes fundamental belief systems and should never be done outside a therapy context and even then with careful consideration of the person's base. Bringing people in off the street to do these for fun (as my school actually did!), I am totally against that as irresponsible and sometimes damaging. You can f--k up a Christian for life with one of these that really causes them to revivify something.

I only genuinely "revivified" something one time. It was a spontaneous memory when I was just sitting calmly one day in the early 90's. This was right around the time I had a kundalini experience and was doing a lot of energy work, so it might have been sparked by that.

I had always sworn I would never had children, had zero interest in them, and was terrified of childbirth. But one day I just slid into this memory... but reLIVED as opposed to reMEMBERED... I knew it was just a mental-thing at the time, I mean I knew I was also sitting in my chair, but the revivification was very intense.

I had just given birth to a child. It was my second child, and I was marveling over how much easier it had been giving birth the second time, than the first one I'd had (in my memory-inside-the-memory of my earlier life). I was in a small, narrow bed close to the floor that had some kind of dark metal-type thing as a headboard, and I was alone.
My lower back ached so intensely I couldn't believe it. I came out of the re-lived-memory, my eyes wide and my back aching. I had to get on the floor and do slow stretching for about 15 minutes to make the ache go away.
But it had a profound effect on me. It was like both my reluctance and my fear of childbirth was washed away. I felt like it was a 'known' in my psychology now: I had already done it. To this day I wonder if I would have the child I now do, had it not been for that experience.

Sometimes I've had dreams that involve "other lives." This is common with the Four. When the female and I are together, one of us is "dominant" in the body and the other is like... "equally there but acting as an extension or guide". Sorta. This is one from the Bewilderness era:

I had such a vivid dream that I -- another aspect of I (not this I, but the tall dark haired female aspect of I), was a daughter of someone in power in some Russian-type country, like old, old Russia, or maybe one of the regions near there. We (father and his men and servants and I/her) had traveled, I had the impression Westward, for some official occasion. While there, I/she met a man who I recognized, in the dream, as being my brother (in this life). He was passionately in love with her. But he was a poor nobody, and a foreigner to boot, there was simply no chance.

They determined to meet anyway. Somehow our father found out about it. She and the man (my brother) were to meet at this place secretly. I (somehow) was both part of her and yet actually wandering outside to keep an eye out for our father. And he came. He came storming toward me, he was bald but strong, muscled like a sword-fighting soldier, and the look on his face was grim and very bad news. He didn't see me and walked right through me. Then I woke up.
Huh. I don't know about all this. How come she gets to be a princess and I get to be a proletarian?

I thought it was so WEIRD how I just recognized as "of course" that someone in the other life was someone in this one.

Sometimes I still have little "flashes of other lives" even when I am wide awake and going about my daily life. These are usually super brief, like two seconds long or so.

I was working on my computer, my monitor actually hung from a wall mount a couple feet above my desk. At one point, I was looking at something on my desk, and then I looked up at my monitor -- but as I looked up, I was in a room, there was a desk in front of a window to the right where a man of rank sat, and the door was to the left behind me, and another German Officer of higher rank than I had just come into the room toward where I was facing. (I didn't consciously think of it but knew from context I was in Germany just prior to or during the second World War.)
I admired this man a good deal, and considered him a friend. An intriguing aspect of this was, as I looked up "here", I was just lifting my head and looking up at him "there", like the exact same motion in tandem in two worlds. 'There', I lifted and clicked my heels together and saluted in a fluid motion totally comfortable to me.
Now here's the odd part... I "knew" -- I clearly recognized him although he was a completely different person in a different time -- that this man was a man who I know now, in 'this' world -- a brilliant scientist who is, coincidentally yet ironically, Jewish. The vision or perception vanished and I was looking at my computer screen in astonishment thinking, "Holy moley! That was HIM! We were THERE!"
And I couldn't decide which seemed more strange -- that my Jewish friend had been a German officer, or that I had so clearly 'recognized' someone who was 'here' in some 'other life'. It also seemed interesting to me that we had a vaguely similar relationship: in both situations, he was a man I admired a good deal and saw as somewhat more skilled or educated ('superior' -- I looked up to him) although he was much closer to my own age in the 'vision'.

Notice anything odd about this so far? Well, how could I be a guy in a concentration camp and also be a WWI-era Nazi officer? That kind of blows the linear "reborn/reincarnation" theories all to hell, doesn't it.

I gradually came up with a theory (on my own initially) that perhaps living a life "left an energy imprint" of some kind in our physics- and metaphysics universe. Something that people could "tune into" -- like a library book or something. Maybe that didn't mean it was them. Maybe it had some "resonance" with them, so they were drawn to it. Or, in a more Christian context, maybe that's just what God chose for you to experience for his own reasons, to help you learn something. Who knows.

On occasion you find skeptics in any field who are caught between worlds: on one hand they find that they intuitively believe the experience. But they don't believe the standard reasoning especially since it's usually religious or woo-woo. Those people would say that PLR's were "genetic memory." This is impossible unfortunately--because most of the time, the first experience people tune into is a death experience. Pretty sure people are not having children after they are dead. So whatever the explanation is, it isn't that.

Ian Stevenson has some good books on this topic I am told. He was a legit psych guy who basically threw his career to the winds to study the topic, he found it so fascinating.

*

Later, I encountered Seth's works, and so far, I think his model fits my comfort best. This is because Seth's stuff is "a framework without doctrine" for the most part. His view on reincarnation was a little different.

First, he said time is perceptual not literal--it doesn't really exist. I believe that, especially thanks to psi and some anomalous experiences. So the idea of being born "into one life at a time in linear order" really makes no sense. It is "zero point" physics and metaphysics both: all space is here, all time is now. So... one is simultaneously everything.

This kills the concept of karma, which is one of the things people get stuck on about this model of multiple lives.

I believe the original concept of karma was borne in a valid spiritual truism: that we are composed of energy, that energy is ideas, those ideas are beliefs. That our "composition" attracts energy that "fits it" like a puzzle piece. So if we have a certain belief, such as in victimization, we will both act-out that pattern, and we will draw to us that pattern or its match. That is in line with Seth's ideas.

But the doctrine of karma has been horribly corrupted over time, as well as reduced to a spoon-fed sound-byte more apropo for five year olds. Best-case now, it is seen as something that "adjusts" you, not quite like "punishment" but serving a similar purpose. (I can't tell you how many people I've met in the 'metaphysical' field that are certain they were "very bad" in some past life and that this probably explains their present life.) Worst-case now, it says if you piss off a Hindu clergyman you're coming back as a cockroach or untouchable and you're screwed.

Emily Saliers of The Indigo Girls has two cool songs that involve reincarnation, on their "Rites of Passage" album. Some lyrics (excerpts specific to the topic):

from "Galileo"

...And as the bombshells of my daily fears explode
I try to trace them to my youth

And then you had to bring up reincarnation
Over a couple of beers the other night
And now I'm serving time for mistakes made by another
In another lifetime

How long till my soul gets it right
Can any human being ever reach that kind of light...

I think about my fear of motion
Which I never could explain
Some other fool across the ocean years ago
Must have crashed his little airplane

How long till my soul gets it right
Can any human being ever reach that kind of light...

I offer thanks to those before me that's all I've got to say
Cause maybe you squandered big bucks in your lifetime
Now I have to pay
But then again it feels like some sort of inspiration
To let the next life off the hook
Or she'll say
Look what I had to overcome from my last life
I think I'll write a book

That's a good song by the way, acoustic guitar and harmony. That one and this one:

from "Virginia Woolf"

They published your diary and that's how I got to know you
Key to the room of your own and a mind without end
And here's a young girl on a kind of a telephone line through time
And the voice at the other end comes like a long lost friend

So I know I'm all right life will come and life will go
Still I feel it's alright cause I just got a letter to my soul
When my whole life is on the tip of my tongue
Empty pages for the no longer young
The apathy of time laughs in my face
You said, "Each life has its place"

... If you need to know that you weathered the storm of cruel mortality
A hundred years later I'm sitting here living proof

So you know you're alright life will come and life will go
Still you feel it's alright someone'll get a letter to your soul...

...And so it was for you when the river eclipsed your life
And sent your soul like a message in a bottle to me and it was my rebirth

So we know we're alright
Though life will come and life will go
Still you'll feel it's alright
Someone'll get a letter to your soul
And you hear dry your eyes
And you know it's alright
Though life will come and life will go
Someone gets your soul
When my whole life is on the tip of my tongue
Empty pages for the no longer young
You said
Each life has it's place
It'll be alright

One day when I was in the midst of tons of upheaval, living in my van circa 1994, I was listening to this song while lying on my couch in there, and I just burst into tears, and sang it and cried, over and over. It was like all the sudden the "it's all right" that repeats at the end was like a lullaby, exactly what I needed to hear for some reason.

*

Seth's model of "other lives" is different in more ways than just the "time" issue (which as a side-effect kinda nullifies, in a way (sorta), the karma issue). My own experiences have led me to believe that this particular model is probably the most reasonable for me anyway:

Humans are composite, conglomerates of energy. Lots of it. We "source" from something larger that you could, for lack of a better term, call a "group-soul." It is NOT that we don't have individual souls, we do. It's that our individual souls are a lot larger than we think, and are in turn part of something larger still.

As an analogy, let's take Jane the Good Wife. There's more to Jane than that. It might turn out that she is a good piano player, a good judo fighter, a good executive, a good many things. All of those things are equally part of her. Maybe in some periods she lives out one or some of them; and others, not until or not after some other era in life. She is not any more or less Jane when she is being an executive versus a piano player. It's all part of her.

Well I think this is one way of modeling the 'larger soul' concept. Right now I am a certain [Seth's term] "focus personality." I am one particular collection and arrangement of energy from the whole. But there can be other collections and arrangements, and those have different "focus personalities." They are all equally me, my soul. I am no more or less me than any other "lifetime/personality".

So on one hand, one can say there are many lives (in this model), and they are not ordered by time. On the other hand, there is a detail here: there is no such thing as exactly the same person in multiple lives. SOME -- maybe even most -- of the energy in that soul might be the same energy as was used in another. But there is always at least *some* difference (and the body is always at least a bit different and as an integrated symbiote with the soul it is also a key part of any given focus-personality). So we do NOT actually 'live other lives' in entirety. I-as-me, this focus personality, is NOT living multiple lives. Much of the energy which composes me however, arranged in other personalities, is.

You might think of it like a song. I can play a song in A minor and that is one song; I can play another song which is also in A minor and might even just be "variations on the same theme". But it is a different song. If that song were sentient, it might "recognize or remember" the many notes/chords/sequence/timing of it that "is also in" another song. That would not make it the same song. That would simply make it "aware of parts of it which are also present in another song."

*

It's not quite the same thing. The "linear time-based karmic-based reincarnation model" is specific to organized religion. It is the alternative to heaven or hell and it is the "power play" of carrot vs. club that religious leaders have used for millennia to control the masses. You can be born as a princess or as an untouchable and, original sin and karma being what it is in those religions, it's all your fault either way. It's prejudice you might call "reincarnation-ism". If you're born with a clubfoot, you must have done something bad to deserve it. Personally I find this particular model childish and vile.

In my model (insert "in my opinion only" here so I don't have to caveat every sentence), which is based on Seth's model of creating-reality (obviously, that latter model has ancient roots), it's more a matter of the energy you hold:

One's larger soul is, you might say, a certain fractal or pattern. One explores all the things one is, and all the things one is not, within that pattern. A geometry; it's all binary, 0/1. A personality living in 1218 might be vastly more spiritually advanced than one living in 1992, there is no rule about that. It just depends on what the soul is exploring in any given focus-life. Because in this one it is being a piano player and in that one it is being an executive and they each have different challenges, lessons and opportunities.

Because the "source soul" is the same for the different personalities, there is 'shared energy'. If it's really a problem, any personality that happens to be sharing that particular energy will deal with it also. But the good news is any of them can resolve it, too. And when either happens, "different probabilities" are invoked for the lives sharing that energy, based on the changes. I guess another way of saying this is that one can redeem the energy for many lives, when they deal with a given issue in their NOW. Maybe that is truly evolution on a cosmic or planetary level.

So one could see that as karma -- sorta. But not about, "You screwed up X so now you suffer Y." More like, "You are dealing with energy X, which is causing consequences in every personality your soul is manifesting; in this one, it's causing Y." But it's not a punishment. That's ridiculous, that's the religion-as-a-bedtime-story superstition version I think, that is the common way of modeling it though.

*

The most important part of this deals with the "awareness of, and access to, the core energy, for fixing it." Traditional 'karma' models make people helpless children. You were ghengis khan over a century ago and now you're screwed! But Seth always insisted that everything that was part of us was available in us and to us, and none of it is totally hidden away so we were helpless. He insisted that all energy we were manifesting (in fact especially what we were manifesting in some obvious way, like problems) is based on energy plenty near the surface--that we have access to.

This makes sense, experientially and logically: the universe is holographic. Everything that is a pattern at one level is also showing up on myriad others. Figuring that out might be work, of course. Some patterns are just so close we don't even see them, or realize it's a pattern at all! But every time I have actually found one of the patterns of energy that was a problem for me, it has been like this: replicated through every area of my life; not hidden at all. Although until I understood it, it certainly seemed to be.

*

Anyway, I think this is a tough subject. It's a lot to wrap the brain around because it messes with several different core constructs including identity and karma on top of the "multiple lives" concept itself. Every person has to wade through it themselves and decide what works for them as a belief system. I've adapted mostly by adopting a belief system where on one hand, it validates "past life memories" totally, yet on the other hand, it does NOT actually mean that I-the-I-that-I-know-this-minute is living multiple lives--only part of my energy, not all of it--and that does not lock me into helpless victim of past life in a karmic sense, geez; and that actually offers an opportunity to see that 'improvement' in any problem can help all related lives.

Maybe I'm pollyanna or something, but this is the only variant of the idea I'm able to swallow!

PJ

Rambling 16Dec09

2009-12-17T00:27:00.000-06:00

topics today:
Things as they really are
Lucid dreaming
Meditating when it sucks
I'm mutating!
Messianic BS

Things as they really are

I was half-awake. Some interactive half-dream surprised me in some way. I woke up fully with a sudden idea. Dear God (and everyone else), I prayed. Please help me to see things as they truly are.

After a few minutes of unusual in-my-head activity, I was asked by some part of me, What makes you think you are capable of understanding things as they truly are?

I wasn't sure how to answer that. Why not? I finally negotiated.

Worlds went onward in my head. You think the answer is a square? I was asked, after a series of activity that led me to that satisfied conclusion. Then I saw: it was a cube. There was an entire 'dimension of understanding' I had left out. All things have this extra dimensionality.

And then I felt like I learned something, but I forget what. I am SO useless!

Lucid Dreaming

I took a nap on an early lunch and woke up lucid in my dream. How cool, I thought, been awhile since this! I decided to "go with" the dream out of curiosity. I took shortcuts though. I went through walls and such, though I knew well enough (I lucid dreamed very regularly until I was around age 18) that I needed to "space out" just before hitting the wall so I could get through it; if I am thinking and conscious of it being a wall it will be sticky or even slightly too solid. My only problem was not remembering the last part of the dream before my alarm woke me up, darn. Anyway, I wish I had thought to call in my Aeons or Four and see if it worked more clearly in dream state or something!

Meditating when it sucks

My friend recently says, "Man, I had a terrible meditation last night, because..." and I said dryly, "Welcome to MY world."

Then I realized: He doesn't know that. I don't blog about what doesn't work! So my blog probably makes it sound like this is all really easy and vivid and so on. Geez I need to clarify that lest I be giving the wrong impression by far.

Sometimes I can't see well. I either give up, or put in 80% of the work instead of the normal 50% if I'm desperate. Usually what I do is just "sit with" whatever area or guide I'm working with, sometimes talking with them. Sometimes it gets better.

Sometimes I can't hear well. Or my IG doesn't talk to me, NO guide will talk to me, or they try and I can't hear them at all. I tell them I'm having trouble and sometimes ask for info in other ways.

Sometimes I feel "actively bored," or somewhat angry and frustrated, or other emotions that make it difficult, or unsatisfying, though usually the emotion is something that needs dealing with inside as part of that meditation.

Sometimes I have such issues with avoidance of an energy that I instantly space out, turn off, fall into daydreams, or fall asleep. At best I can bring myself back to it. In moderation it just means sometimes I sleep through something. At worst this can happen repeatedly so I can spend HOURS working something, multiple days, and still not getting through it. I just keep trying.

Sometimes it's frightening or gross and is invoking strong emotion and I have a problem with courage or facing it. When that happens I may shift and for awhile, have IG bring in my planets or fave archs and whomever IG thinks is best, and hug them and try to merge with them first. I might also have them stay with me, and I might hold their hands on each side of me. A couple of times I have literally hidden behind them, peeking out! I do whatever is needed to make it work.

Sometimes it takes days to get through a single meditation, for the above reasons. Sometimes a working has to be split into separate pieces and those have to be worked individually over a period of time. Sometimes I have to do these in the daytime standing up with my eyes open. This requires more imaginative effort on my part to project the visual but if the archetype is that terrifying or the meditation is that hard to hold onto, that's just the way it is. Sometimes I write something down and sit or stand with that so when I lose track of what the hell I'm doing I look down at the paper and it reminds me. My mind does a lot of stuff to throw me off the hard ones. You just have to adapt and figure out how to get around it and through it.

This isn't always easy for me. In fact often it's very hard and very frustrating. But I keep on it, hold the faith, hold the line, and eventually get through it.

When I blog, there's no point or inspiration for me to talk about the three times it didn't work, or was so 'vague' I just sat around 'communing' instead of doing what I planned, or to go on about how it took me three times to not fall asleep. Once in awhile I mention something but not usually.

So don't think it's easy and vivid for me. Sometimes people tell me, "Oh I'd love to do that stuff but you know, it's just not there for me." This stuff is like chakra work. You have to do it when it is NOT there, consistently over time, and that part of you 'develops' to where it IS there a heck of a lot more often. Still not always... But usually.

I'm mutating!

My feelings about a lot of things are changing. I've been praying a lot more. I've been stopping to shut my mouth and ask myself, "How do I feel?" when talking about any topic, or to any person.

I have been reading just a little, some stuff I already had bookmarked to look at. Asking myself, how do I feel about this? Is there an answer inside me?

I am seeing things -- people, groups, things on paper, even people I have known for years -- in a different light. As if nothing changed in them, but how I perceive them has changed.

I never noticed before the degree to which the occult field is a uniform of its own. It's the punk rock of religion, except nobody seems to grok that the official orgs of authority are like music marketing executives planning the great rock & roll scandal. If I were talking about officially known demons, angels, rituals, and everything in enochian or hebrew, I'd be cool, I'd be validating that system. But my experiences are mine, and the entities I talk to are part of me and not official entities from some official cosmology. Not only are the names of the identities not part of something already written down by someone else, but I even get English letters for them--you'd think this was unheard of. People either act like I'm an actual threat to the doctrine or something, or like I'm a complete idiot, maybe a schizophrenic who wandered into their terrain. They can talk about the exact same stuff and it's normal, but that's because they all agree on how it's supposed to happen and under what conditions.

When I have a question I pray about it, rather than applying to the writings or doctrine of something or someone else. It came up in one place about Crowley and Thelema and I said you know, it was dreams that brought me to all this/that; I am a part of that innately, probably some tiny fragment of me overlapped with AC; but he got to live his life, and I get to live mine. I don't need to do all that this time. That isn't what feels right to me. I think "Christ" is amazing and cool. I'd much rather talk to Jesus than Baphomet any day. I'm like the social outcast of the Thelemic world. How did I get there to begin with, for goddsakes, I now wonder.

*

I think whatever the structure of soul turns out to be (and maybe it's a variable, and maybe it's irrelevant to most people's growth. As the Aeons have told me, for most people this is "seamless." Maybe it's not for me solely because I wouldn't validate or recognize it if it was.), I feel that this is accessible to everyone, even if it came through them in other formats. I don't think anything official is required. No initiations, no having to learn to command X-zillion angels and demons of realm-Z. I don't get the attraction to this. Now, if it turns out that claiming the parts of oneself comes down to that, ok, but that is certainly not the model that is being used, the model of gradually understanding oneself.

When reading stuff, it feels like it often has in remote viewing: as if it's a whole field of people trying to get to the inside of experience through the outside. Labrinthian anal-retentive obsession with 'form', leaving whole volumes of debate about trivial things while you honestly wonder, "has this person ever had a genuine experience in their life?" -- because you feel none of the life, none of the truth, in what they're saying. Not truth like accuracy, but truth like IS-ness, that thread of something experiential that can tell you in your gut and heart that you share that with someone, even when every outer detail is unrecognizeable. Like it's as dry as the paper it's written on, like it's totally cerebral and surface-flotsam, even if it's technically 'accurate'.

*

It reminds me of when I was 12 and went to church for the first time since I was 5. I had been talking to God in my head since I was around 5 and the preacher had tried to frighten us by telling us God heard our every thought. I took him literally. It was the best friend in my head for years. I talked to him all the time. Cried on him and told him jokes and asked questions. No, I didn't get word responses, but usually if I really wanted to know I'd have a pretty strong gut feeling about it before long. I didn't even think about this much. Then my stepmom took us to church, out of the blue. And I watched the people with a surreal fascination. Many of them seemed to have no real relationship with God at all. They talked to him formally and only at proscribed times. It was a formula: Dear God. You're so cool. Can I have something? I'm done with you now. Official Jesus-signature of approval, Amen. I didn't remember anything of visiting church aside from that one event that stuck in my head, so even the concept of group prayer was something I hadn't thought about.

But then the minute they were done praying, somehow all that wish for blessings and glory to God and so on vanished. 30 seconds later they were in the hallway gossiping about someone or otherwise moving on. I just didn't understand why they thought they needed a formal ritual to pray. God was always in your head! Wasn't he?? Later I came to appreciate ritual (hugely) and group intent, but at the time, it was the weirdest thing to me. The part that bothered me most was the people with whom I felt no kinship. As if their religion was about something on paper, a formal dogma with rules, and that was what mattered.

I was very close to my church for a couple of years. I memorized entire bible chapters (granted, the psalms). I sang every sunday, solos, I was the Poster Child For Jesus. I spent the entire time praying fiercely to believe in Jesus the way they did. I believed he'd been a "holy man." I believed in that "loving energy" I later came to call the "christ" energy. I just didn't have the gut connection with him being quite what the church had him officially lined up to me. I prayed fiercely and constantly about this, to better understand the truth, for a couple years. At the end of that if anything I felt 10x stronger than I had to begin with. I realized that either I needed to accept the answer I was getting as an answer, or I needed to stop wasting time praying if I could not rely on that much sincere prayer to give me a legit answer for something so important.

(Ironically I am now a bigger fan of Jesus than many Christians, but I don't have the dogma he is "packaged in" by churches as part of it, which is apparently a bit unusual and I find many people have a hard time wrapping their brain around--as if, how could you admire the entity without buying the doctrine about him?)

Anyway, my growing secret inner angst was taken care of one day when, on a Wednesday night, they refused to let me come into the sanctuary to pray because I was not wearing a dress. (Southern Baptist here.) I told the deacons plainly how retarded I thought that was, how I personally knew that God would rather have my sincere prayers than any particular kind of clothing, how this was completely biased against women who (particular on Wed nights when we did physical work around the pastor's house, and played sports) were just as likely to wear pants as men and nobody was keeping the men out of the sanctuary for lack of a skirt. They held fast and that was it for me. I was profoundly offended, even at the age of 13. As I stood there by the doorway, it suddenly occurred to me that whatever God I'd been talking to constantly in my head for the previous 8 years, these people didn't know that guy. Maybe we were just confused because they all had the same name.

I later, age 15, joined an 'american baptist' church. They were less uptight (dancing was not the devil, haha), and I really liked the people and the music. I went on my own, my next stepmother was already insane, thank god she was not religious on top of that. When I later discovered by accident that all the things I "innately believed" -- without ever having even given them thought -- such as that everything is alive, is sentient, that we all live many lives, etc. -- was in fact sacrilege... well that kinda did it for me in that church, as well. Which was too bad. I was as disappointed as the pastors (six!) were. I worked in the church office, sang in the choir, was a core member of the very active youth group, etc. I had accepted that my view on Jesus was different and I just wasn't going to mention that since I liked the love-based model. But unfortunately, the discovery that nearly everything I believed was the opposite of what official doctrine said, that just didn't fly. It took a pretty short time of quoting scripture before it was obvious to all the pastors that my belief had nothing to do with what someone's book said.

*

That reminds me, that although I think much of the bible is 'inspired', I don't buy it as a doctrine at all. The last time the Jehovah's came to my door I said kindly, "Thank you so much. But I don't consider the bible to be a source of authority." That literally left them gaping at me. I don't think anybody ever said that to them before. That pretty much wipes out everything they had planned, since "look here it says so in the book" is used as justification for everything.

My theory is: pray. Ask God. Ask Jesus. Ask whomever it is you take to truly be divine. Just pray devoutly and regularly and ask for it to become clear in you. I believe that this results in answers. It's always odd to me how many people who are total believers in some religion based on prayer, act like prayer is a bizarre way to approach things. Like prayer is a ritual; but if you want to know the truth about something, you should ask the official expert or look it up in the official doctrine. The only real truth comes 'through' you. If what those things say has truth, that will come through you. If it doesn't, well, take it up with God.

The more I pray, the more I feel like some of the things I read, such as the Enochian stuff, is just... "not for me." Like it's not bad enough the cat-eyed lizard guy 'guardians' show up when I do. Like it's not bad enough they sometimes tempt me to some kind of commitment in dreams that leaves me shouting refusal at them about my being 'of Michael'. Like it's not bad enough that the Call of the Aethyrs translated is not something I feel ok about. But on top of that, I just feel like the entire spectrum of it -- I mean literally the half of me that has stood calmly in occultism, basically -- that this is just... it's just not for me. I am not afraid of it, I am not against it intellectually, and I find the "mystical kabbalah" to be fascinating and related to my own experiences, though I am not educated enough to properly understand the "how". But the ancient system of that is not the same thing as the modern 'field/genre' of study.

It's like I am finding myself, and as I do, I realize I'm on a different road than I thought. It isn't so much that I am changing my mind about what path I am going to walk. It is more like I am just realizing that I am not on that path at all, period, and maybe never was except in my external confusion, letting myself be led by people who seemed to know more than me, whom I assumed were wise because I felt I wasn't, and I found that interesting so I walked that way.

But self-insight in terms of working with the Four and my Consortium has turned out to be a little like practicing psi. When you do it enough, you come to a comfort in yourself. You no longer consider people experts solely because they have got down the "patter" of complex-sounding terminology and they act like they know it all. You start to validate your own experience, and as a result, you start to measure incoming information from others based on how you feel inside, how you relate to that, how well it "resonates" with what you "know" -- based on experience, not based on book-study or talking. You feel it inside you and maybe, just maybe, you start to realize that all those alleged experts, in some cases, they're just a bunch of dusty armchair wannabe intellectuals. They aren't pulling the Truth through them, through the genuine experience. They're just good at pontificating. Once you really start tuning into the core of experiential stuff yourself, you start to feel the difference.

And you're standing in the middle of a road that once felt like home, thinking, what am I doing here? These people are not of me. This path is not of me. This focus does not hold the Truth I feel in me. This is pretty much what I went through concerning Remote Viewing, though differently than how I am feeling it about 'spirituality' now.

I guess I'm just on my own with it for now. Aside from the partial funky "sync" with that ancient 'gnostic' thing I found on wiki when I searched '12 Aeons', I find nothing else that seems to match the model that has spontaneously unfolded inside me--despite my resistance I might add. Maybe it's different for everyone, you know, maybe we are all different "patterns" or fractals and that is just mine and it doesn't need to be anybody else's. But it IS mine, apparently. At least, this is as much as I know about it for now. The Four are integrally part of me, and any doctrine, dogma, or system that is incapable of recognizing or at least allowing this, I just am not going to have any common ground with. Which means, for now, there is no road at all for me but the one unfolding inside step by step. Oh well.

Messianic BS

In the course of my experiences, I sometimes get some model, comment, framework, or indication that has a sort of you-are-destined tone to it. After seeing a little more of it in my recent review, I thought maybe I should say something about how I feel about that.

I think it's crap. I don't buy it. Every time something or someone tells me I am specially destined, I think "schizophrenia is leaning on my doorbell!" I am willing to accept that from the perspective of my insides, where the whole world really DOES revolve around me, that it might legitimately feel like that to some part of me. But I never take it literally. I don't think it has any true indicator of anything in the shared-reality world.

So don't worry. I occasionally get a little on the religious side for 10 minutes, but that passes, and the various aren't-I-special symbolisms, I take with a huge grain of salt and sense of humor.

PJ

Focus Med: Ithikah

2009-12-15T18:48:00.000-06:00

I hadn't meditated in a few days, and the Aeons were calling so I did the round. But I've been thinking about how I used to meditate sometimes: just "go in there" and hang around, talk to guides, follow where things lead. I haven't done that in a long time because I simply forgot about it. Yet many of my most amazing and spontaneous experiences happened during those casual focus times, much like the best songs you write may happen "by spontaneous accident" during the casual practice you do daily.

I decided that I should just start at the beginning (Ithikah is at the top of the round) and one by one, go through each Aeon, and just spend some quality time with them. I imagined "that-energy" being integrated with mine in great detail from above my head to below my feet, slowly going through the whole body with it, which took awhile. I said a variety of spontaneous prayers. I talked to him, though I wasn't getting much conversation back. Then I hung around "being" with him.

The impressions I got were a little like symbolic remote viewing data. I don't know what any of them mean. But I trust if I record this, then eventually experience will cumulate and I will begin to see what the previous symbols meant. Of course... it's unlikely I'm going to make nearly this much effort in the documentation as I am with this first example LOL.

The following images are the things I saw/sensed and a little bit of text.

I need to go back to the 3rd environ as an arch and finish that.

As for what it all means, your guess is as good as mine.
It could be "mental flotsam" like some stress dreams for all I know.

I'm just hoping that if I go in with a good intent, and record it, that over time, I will begin to see the patterns and some meanings, eventually, that are not clear right now. Much like I have from even the written accounts I reviewed last weekend, except perhaps more clear for making note of colors, symbols, numbers, etc.

So this is just as time consuming and often lacking closure as RV is. Somehow I've managed to come up with nearly the same process yet make accomplishing even less with it feel more ok. It figures. I love RV but it's for masochists.

Tonight it should be Bolehren's turn.

PJ

Astral Geeks

2009-12-15T17:34:00.002-06:00

Today I feel like an idiot. It only just became clear to me that even during my most focused, vivid and dedicated meditation periods, I've been like a fool stumbling down the high wire, oblivious and too lazily disorganized to bother learning anything from any of the previous steps.

Since my efforts are like nothing-nothing-nothing-OBSESS!-nothing in cycles, every year or two I have a 'period' that almost stands alone for experience. It is so separated from other periods, and my recall is so quickly iffy on this stuff anyway, that it's like a bad alzheimers joke. ("New guides every day!") Outside of the Four and IG, I'm lucky to remember anything at all.

I get very clearly from my recent 'review' that the energy of the Senior is a 'symbol' that repeats. When I see black, or rectangles, it's his energy. I tripped over a whole variety of dreams where thick rectangles were involved, over meditations where archetypes had a rectangle sticking out of their head, stuff like that. Did I get it? Of course not. Because I've never really tried to keep track of different symbols and associations. That would make sense. We wouldn't want that!

I also tripped over all kinds of stuff that lacked useful detail. "And a cat..." or "And this big monster-thing..." Yeah? What kind? What color? I didn't think to write that down. Geez, in an entire universe operating on SYMBOL -- sounds, colors, textures, shapes -- details matter, for godssakes! (The viewer in me just grabbed me by the throat and shook me when I realized all this. "No duh!") WHY have I not made an effort to correlate the symbols I get?

Turns out I've had "rubber" as a texture in several archmeds. I also had it in a psi experience with a distant healer and his team about a decade ago. On at least three occasions I have specifically been told, seen, or understood, that this represents non-conductivity, a 'block or barrier' to energy. It's not just energy with issues; in fact it is never the energy itself in fact; it's the complete "protection" from that energy having interaction with me. Whatever is behind it is not something I'm unintegrated with and trying to keep out; it's energy already part of me that I'm trying to "block off".

I've also repeatedly had "cone-shapes" in the inner world. In every case it has played a similar role to rubber, of "dividing" something, protecting/concealing. Once even like a traffic cone, there's some extra symbol for the obvious. To prevent yourself from feeling, I was once told when the shape was in my body. So far, cones have only turned up in two textures: rubber (always but once) and something like lucite/glass (once).

Bolehran was completely separated from me by a huge rubber Galosha. It was invisible initially. Jared was trapped in a glass-like cone -- maybe the symbol there is that I could see through it, but it was still the same kind of block. Half a dozen body meds have had small rubber cones inside my body like little energy blocks. A lake arch had two big rubber cones poking in from underwater in a bad area. There's more but the point is, if I knew this, if I were paying attention, I would see a cone in the inner world and say to myself, "That is hiding something from me, telling me to avoid it, pseudo-protection." I would feel rubber and I would say to myself, "This is a nonconductive energy block."

It doesn't matter what or where it is. I don't need to think about it, wonder, pace and ponder, ask for help. There is no question about it. Rubber is fundamentally non-conductive and in my inner world it is always a 'block' and needs to be dealt with. It is never 'the' archetype, entity, or primary energy. It is in front of that, blocking it. I could have saved myself a lot of confused wondering and uncertainty if I had realized this.

And I would have known it, if I had kept track of anything. How hard would that be? A notebook with a section for color, for textures, for symbols or numbers or letters, for shapes. A freakin collection of post-its for godssakes, this IS NOT HARD. Anybody with even half an organizing whit would have done this 15 years ago. I'm a librarian-geek, a "documentarian", a relational database freak, and yet I of all people managed to not even think of this! It boggles the mind.

I feel -- in my gut, not just in my head -- that I'm at the point where this matters more now. Where I need to be able to, for example, meet up with an energy and know something about it by the fact that it's a certain shape or color or number or texture.

It's possible that knowing something about the Four and the Aeons will tell me who could be the most help in dealing with something or someone. Or tell me the nature of something I've run into. Or tell me how important something is. Or tell me when what I'm perceiving is a block, not the thing behind that block. I'm sure there's 101 things I'm not even thinking of. Since I've never had the advantage of having A SINGLE FREAKING CLUE about my inner world, I've never had the chance to see the possible advantages of having one!

In the imaginal inner world, just like in psychic work, certain mindsets create side-effects. Even though you can develop a skill for not putting too much of yourself in (I mean restricting the % of intentional imagination; letting the subconscious take an equal role), you can still have your experience be influenced by yourself. It's not so much that it shows you something 'not real' (whatever that is, in this model!), as that something will be a lot less perceptible than it would have been otherwise because you're not accepting it.

A lot like in psi work, the more accurate understanding you have once you're "in the zone," often the better the rest works for you, whereas if you're still lost in space, or convinced it's something else, that is going to cause issues. Knowing a couple key things about the 'nature' of what you're working with inside, is like sensing the gestalt or context of a viewing target once you're well into session. If you're right, it helps hugely. If you're wrong you're screwed.

In RV expectations that are wrong can cause no-data or wrong or filtered data (guessing--nobody really knows this answer for sure). (To deal with this, you spend most your session time trying desperately to not believe anything lest it be wrong, but to record everything lest it be right. Sheesh.) In meditation it sure does work like that though: it causes reduced or removed perception, or sometimes a different symbol-form, one which is much less effective for your interaction or innate understanding, than the spontaneous original might have been.

I have spent 15 years in a country of "inner world" where I have refused to make any effort to learn the native language. How anybody who spent over a decade immersed in hypnosis, who is well aware of the symbolic nature of the mind, who was even introduced to gematria and the correspondences, could somehow have failed to absorb that it's a whole world with a whole language which suggests one might want to LEARN the language if they're going to operate there -- honestly it's beyond me. I am the biggest geek I know. An astral geek! I bet my Aeons tell jokes about me when I'm not around.

PJ

Rambling 14Dec09

2009-12-14T16:33:00.009-06:00

Thoughts/questions/experiences sparked by recent materials I found and a couple exercises.

*

What is really the difference between the archetype of an energy and the energy? I know officially it is 'my relationship' with that thing; not that-thing-itself. But how could I perceive it without my relationship in the way anyway? Is it impossible to truly perceive any thing as it truly is?

The-thing-itself, I suspect, would always be a geometry. Does that mean that everything manifest that doesn't come across like an 11-D geometric shape is, actually, an 'archetype'? A symbol or translation? So we are walking around an entire landscape of "symbols not things"? Skyscrapers and flowers and cats and cars... no different than if they were green cubes and yellow tetrahedrons that chirped?

Is it that we acclimatize to the symbols and so we hard-wire the neural perception like a shortcut to meaning, and we start thinking that every thing IS instead the symbol?

Do the QBL (Kabbalah) "correspondences" have validity because everything we perceive is not a 'thing' but 'an archetype/symbol'? So it's not that there are things, and then symbolic meaning; it's that everything is symbolic meaning. It's not that we have a viewing target of the Eiffel Tower and get symbolic data; it's that the target itself IS symbolic, because everything is. There is no such thing as literal data only matching-symbols. Hmmn. That might give a different idea regarding RV data if I think about it enough.

Does a geometry found 'within' the tiny span of filtered frequencies our biological bodies inhabit, look like "a rose" not just because of our personal relationship to that energy, but because of its relationship to the "aery worlds" of the frequency 'layers' it's perceived from within? So we see it not only as we are, but as the combined energy of those layered worlds (a combined identity we loosely call "reality") is, as well?

And what if the worlds we inhabit are themselves an interpretive framework? So we are interacting not just with that thing (rose), not just with our own thing (subjective perspective down to energy-level, which makes whatever we perceive "our archetype"), but also with that place which itself is a living-consciousness?

Maybe things look different to me "inside" than outside in part because those aery worlds I perceive within 'there' have a different context-interpretation-quality of their own, which changes the aspect-nature of the thing perceived? Totally apart from whatever effect or perspective is contributed by 'me'? (Like how some people would be 'different' depending on whether they were in a judo match vs. helping their grandmother carry groceries, even with the same motion their energy is totally different and if we looked at their energy not just their body we might see them differently.)

And: do we blend with the frequencies our perception is spanning?, so we -- just like what we perceive -- are different in different contexts?

So our 'identity' is always "a composition" and "fluid" even based on "the environment of our consciousness"? Like the diff between pouring blue ink (symbol for 'us' here) into clear water, or red vinegar, or black oil? That it "blends with" the "environment" and then is itself different?

*

So back to: is every 'layer' a world (yes, I believe); I call them "aers" (as opposed to Ether or Aethyr) (aer sounds kinda like layer but doesn't evoke enochian framework and works for me).

So... there's lots and lots of layers/aers in the 'spectrum' we perceive as reality. And of course just like any identity, it can be arbitrarily grouped, and the whole span of it is also one identity. So does our... world-of-perception... have a representative identity? The "Deva of our Reality"?

Gosh this reminds me of the time I had this really powerful dream that "our world's" KING (literally in a spiritual sense) was a Tree, and he was talking to the KING of this nearby world which was a Dragon. They were both just gigantic entities. Yet they only felt like powerful authority entities to me, not so much like holy entities, as more like a planetary entity, yet they didn't feel like Earth or Ganymede have felt to me. Huh. I hadn't thought of this until now.

If we call on a tarot archetypal identity, or the collective energy-form of something to better integrate and understand... then why not call on the deva of our perceptual reality, the deva of our physical reality? If consciousness can be arbitrarily combined and divided, and is more powerful when more 'dense' ("inclusive span"), why not? Those sound like great identities to me.

I have the subtle feeling I am not inventing this. I think some concept of this may exist in QBL and a decade ago I passed it 'skimming' and it simply did not sink in for useful consideration until now.

*

I was working on letting outer-world things show themselves to me inside. I was sitting in a subway sandwich shop at the front of walmart. I was asking various things I heard to give me their inside-me experience.

It was hard. My mind automatically slams down on imagination in my ordinary world. It was like arm-wrestling with myself in my head. The slightest sound or visual or feeling in my head that was not matching my outer reality was slammed out before it could even fully form. Geez. Now I know why I've managed to be so "functional" when other people with my experiences are often ravingly crazy. My brain has a definition set for "objective reality" and it holds to those shapes ruthlessly.

*

I just dozed off rereading this. I had the feeling when I woke up that my thoughts had a pattern, and my head, which was totally leaning to the side, was affecting my thoughts. Then I had this insight that this is literal and relates to the crown chakra and its role in understanding: I have seen even birds and dogs and cats "tilt their head" to the side when attempting to understand something.

I could "sense" for a few moments as I awoke that there is this... space-collection of energy that is very strong-dense, like from a foot above our head and it goes down like to the top of the chest, and it's a straight line that is cohesive and connected, and there is a sense of a sort of brightness at top and bottom, and of the 'geometry' of it changing when you tilt your head.

I sense that it's an attempt to slightly shift the energy-flow and literally "point" the top of it in a slightly different direction with the motion -- akin to 'squinting' but on some energetic-understanding level -- like how you move your straw when the liquid in your glass is nearly gone -- except that is looking to 'find' something at the bottom, and this is just opposite that (at the top instead) -- but it's the same sort of dynamic, of like... sucking in something slightly different.

Like we understand things ever so slightly differently sometimes depending on "where" the very top of our crown chakra is located. I sense this is actually more about our imperfectly open crown chakras. That if we were totally (healthy spiritually by which I mean 'fully realized') it would have equal access to everything. But like a radio, some areas of the dial/frequency come in more clearly than others for us.

*

Back to getting inside me what is outside me recently:

One odd thing: everything that I 'saw' and asked myself for, I got as a sound. But everything I 'heard' and asked myself for, I got as a visual. Go figure!

The soda machine had a constant low churning motor sound. It felt like a brown-grey slightly sticky irregular moving bulbuous cloud-shape that was 2-3.5 foot high. It was like a sort of thick but airy swamp effect filling the place. These colors in my inner world mean things ignored and repressed and the sticky generally means something slightly unhealthy depending on degree of thickness and stickyness (this was thin and only slightly sticky). Occasional tiny, ultra-thin 'thread flares', just for an instant, of various colors would spark near the top of the cloud or sometimes a few to many feet above, so brief I nearly missed them. I was trying to figure out what on earth that would be when I realized it might be harmonics I didn't consciously hear.

The handicapped chairs at walmart make this really loud piercing long-beeping sound when they back up. Someone was doing that shortly after I walked into the store. These shapes flew all over about 5-6 feet high, like a... like 'burst of a quiver of arrows' that went to every person and "more transparent" shorter versions went to people farther away. They were pencil-sized in shape, sharp at front and slim and straight, about an inch in diameter, and had a funky 'stretch' effect, as if instead of just 'being' a certain shape, they began about 6" long but then as they flew rapidly they elongated/grew with a 'rubbery-stretch' feel into something about 6 foot long. They went sharply and fast right through the middle of people's heads!, beginning to dissipate a few feet from their head, as if it was flying into something dissolving it so it got shorter until only a ghost of it about 6" long again, faded away super fast.

I laughed inside. An arrow through the head, that's a good symbol, it feels like that too!

Sitting in subway, I became aware of the insane amount of noise even when it is allegedly quiet. When I closed my eyes and asked for a 'casual feel' of everything, ye gods, it was like being lost in a colorful, irregular, but kind of ugly and chaotic kaleidascope of fogs that varied in shape and density and motion.

Glad we don't have to operate inside that. We'd be grossed out, as well as confused and lost. Guess that's one reason we don't normally 'let ourselves' perceive things inside us. Much of the word is just friggin ugly.

That reminds me that recently in a med in the aer with worlds in bubbles I was hanging out 'in' some whale-like creature deep underwater, and there was some visual but mostly it was like a whole world of sound, and as much small and subtle with that as we get with vision.

Hmmn. Do you suppose this is Nedlund, the Aeon who allegedly relates to "sound" he told me, integrating a little more with me.

*

My dad mentioned someone having a really old computer. I had this insight that the 'dynamic' of technology's rapid growth in our world reflects a dynamic of our own growth as a species, and that this is speeding up, gaining momentum.

We are oblivious to this change in ourselves at large, and this ... increase in novelty ... and resultant devaluing of the more immediate past ... and greater need for [hard to translate] 'component flexibility for integral but partial gradual upgrade' ... is becoming more important to individuals and to whole cultures and to the whole planet. There's more, but essentially, that this whole thing about technology's rapid growth is itself a "symbol".

I hadn't thought about issues and dynamics in the greater world at large as being symbols too, when I asked to be 'shown inside' stuff on the outside.

I was thinking like, what does a blue truck or that person look like inside me? Now I realize how shallow I tend to think!

*

I was standing in the aisle in walmart looking at chocolate chips. Christmas baking time! Low carb and gluten free has taken a hike. I will repent once all the symptoms hit but for now I agreed with my kid we could do some as we are really doing a low-key holiday this year.

I'm thinking (semi-sweet or white?) about my friend who recently 'met' what he is certain is 'my soul-angel'. Apparently those creatures are of a similar species since they seem to look pretty similar for many different people. White hair and ultra blue eyes but as much light-being as human, though in ~human form.

I wonder to myself, "And if I 'let my mind give me a symbol of this', would I see it like that, or would I see something different?" I looked to my right, where a woman stood looking at the bagged baking chopped nuts. She was about 140# overweight and looked very uncomfortable, in pantyhose and business style skirt. I closed my eyes while facing her direction and told my mind, 'show me her angel-of-soul.'

The surprising thing was how EASY it was for this to totally pop right into my visual field.

I mean I usually have to provide a little bit more "help" to the imaginative visualization of something brand new -- like the things noted above -- not 'making' it you understand, but almost like a helping foot-up in imaginative-energy. (Actually that's impossible to describe, so either the reader does this stuff, and gets it, or never will.) But BAM this was right there.

It was slightly diff for me; more soft-opaque light-being than I think they probably are, at least as my symbol or perception goes.

I was startled because it instantly turned and looked right at me.

I love being startled by things built by imagination as to me that validates a little bit of them; if it genuinely surprises me I don't feel I made that part up.

Of course I'm just imagining this, I tell myself. I notice there "is too much going on in the knee to foot area" just like I've noticed like in a super-brief flash I once got in a db RV session on Archangel Michael, as if it's just not as well defined or it's something we don't really grok and the only translation is sort of a thick feathery solid area sorta. But not in detail. I'm going on about this too much, that was only an instant indirect observation.

The woman bends over to get something from a bottom shelf and I was surprised because I thought what I was seeing would bend too, but it didn't. I guess I was thinking of it like some kind of X-ray of the soul like a skeleton or something that would move in every way she did. I thought that was funny then, I'm so ridiculous, as if the angel is going to be doing jumping jacks with you in the morning? hahaha! It *could* but I don't think it would. The whole idea almost made me giggle out loud!

It was more like it just sort of glided/existed 'in the center of her gravity' or something. I had the feeling that it could move 'with' her if it chose, lay down with her, but it was a sort of generality, it was usually standing, sitting or lying, and other motion was trivial-peripheral on her part... definitely the feel that orientation in space and gravity doesn't mean jack.

It was still looking at me. I felt such... "sweetness" in me all the sudden.

What can I do for her? I ask it, having the sudden desire to do something genuinely good for her.

Just be kind, it says. (I really didn't have a gender perception.)

I needed some macademia nuts anyway. So I asked her to help me find them, and I made a point to really look at her and smile sincerely and 'see the holiness in her' as I did. She really smiled in response, like really warmly and real, and I had the oddly sad impression that it had been too long since someone had made that kind of connection with her.

*

Coming out the end of the row a woman is bitching at her small child. He says something in response and I smile sweetly at him, thinking how adorable he is, and as she is turning away, she sees me doing that, and her voice gets kinder, and I realize that when I see the "adorable" in her child, it helps HER to be reminded to see the adorable in him too. And I think of how often that has actually happened with children and parents in stores, I've noticed it before but never thought too much about it.

It occurred to me that maybe if we were able to see the angel in everybody and interact like that, that maybe other people would see the angel better in them too subconsciously, and people might be a little bit nicer. I thought maybe that is part of our creating a joint-reality in some ways. That what we see is not just about what we see on our own, but what we are constantly reminded, in subtle ways, that others see.

I am really fat, and this has a huge (no pun intended) effect on how 'social culture' reacts to me as an individual. I was pretty normal until my early 20s saw a super rapid drastic weight gain, so I got a good view of the drastic "change" in how people reacted to me at 130# vs. 350#. Depending on the person and environ, suddenly I was invisible-er, stupid-er, geeky-er, gross-er, unworthy-er, a whole variety of the "cultural prejudice" that I'm sure anybody who is a minority race or has anything unusual about their appearance has run into to varying degrees. Anyway I only mention this because it makes me think that this is actually at the root of human prejudice. That we see people not just as they are but as we are to begin with, but on top of that, we are constantly affected, subconsciously even, by how we perceive what other-people-perceive. As if it is a "psychic collusion" to "agree on reality" and we are always unconsciously 'adjusting' ourselves to 'conform' with the 'consensus reality' around us. It takes actual "conscious individuality" for people NOT to do that. Not to treat fat people, race-X people, midget people, or whatever, in the way that the people around them, those on "auto-pilot adjust to conform to consensus reality" do. This last paragraph is my own idea, not an 'insight'.

*

We continued out and were walking down the side of the store with all the meat. It's a big area, divided down the middle by 3' high frozen/refrigerated structures that hold turkeys and frozen burritos and sales and so on. It was busy, lots of shoppers, so there were quite a few people throughout the length of the store on both sides.

I thought to myself, as I pondered whether a sirloin petite at the side looked ok, I wonder if everyone's angel looks different, or if people have different sorts, or maybe some are brighter or darker, bigger or smaller? I was actually only 'generally wondering to myself'.

But when I picked up the meat and turned toward my basket, every person from me to the far wall had that humanish lightish white form in them! --which somehow I could see clearly even though I also saw their bodies clearly.

--I might add that is an effect I've never had before. Even in my imagination right now I cannot make two completely opaque visuals occupy the same space and yet both be perceived clearly. It's almost like the "extra-dimensionality of sound" that I've talked about where no sound can replicate the depth and multiple-inclusion of one I hear/feel on the inside; with sound you have to stretch it out in time in 'this' reality, which makes it so... thin and wrong. With vision you have to stretch it out in space. But somehow on the inside you can get things that are 'together' without any contradiction or occlusion of the other.

Immediately every one of them turned and LOOKED at me! All at the same time, like orchestrated motion. In my head I sort of did a mental intake-of-breath in surprise. I mean it was like every one of them 'knew I was looking at them' the instant I was.

I had the feeling inside me of such FUN. Like light-joy-delight. Like they were... they were wearing their people... hahaha! -- like it was all this fabulously fun experiment... the way that we would treat theme park racing track-cars or bumper cars or something we "sat in and operated within pre-designed major limits." As if you could bump into someone hard and that would be as neat an experience as speeding along or going over a waterfall in a log-boat or spinning in a teacup or anything else. It was all this hilariously delightful really "sweet" feeling grand adventure.

I remembered this one time in the mid-90s when I was driving down the highway in Camarillo CA and for a moment, I became the entire landscape, I mean "I" contained everything from the distant small mountains/hills on each side to the far behind me and in front of me, the highway, all the cars, the trees and structures and more along the sides, I mean everything. I was ALL of it. Including the "motion" and the "noise" which somehow was just as much an energy as a tree.

I understood that my "focus point" was carefully "inside the human" who was "inside the car" -- limited on purpose, not because it really was. I had the feeling that I limited my perception down to that tiny little entrapped space, as if I could not perceive (let alone KNOW) everything all around, only because otherwise, driving down the highway was not as much fun unless I did. Seriously. That has always been kind of an anomaly I thought I was grafting my own feeling onto, the "more fun" part, but now I'm thinking maybe there is really something to that.

On the bright side it did answer my question. Yes, they all looked the same. No, they are not dimmer or brighter. But, they actually did all "fit the body" they were in -- their height was the same or maybe a foot higher in some cases than the person they were inside, so there was that variance -- at least as I grokked prior to looking down after just a couple moments, and then looked back up and I had lost the vision, probably because I was already going, You know you must be imagining this, right.

*

Later, talking to my friend on the phone about this, it occurred to me:

Humans = "Angels in Suits"

*

"Mom, why did God make bugs?" Ry has asked more than once. Funny as I've asked the same question.

Meditation and recent review of it made me realize I actually had the answer to that. Bugs exist because of us; we create our reality and they are the "rejected and feared and denied" energy. They are poisonous because that's the effect the energy has on us when we refuse it, it causes a "bad reaction" like inflammation and rejection. They have many legs and move many directions because that perfectly describes the way a certain kind of energy IS, offshoots in many directions and very flexible in motion and 'sense of balance'. They actually come in many colors - white, yellow, tan, clear, red, orange, striped spotted, as well as the brown and black that we stereotype them with. They come in quite a few shapes and textures as well. They vary in how they move and how they web.

I once moved a kid's big backyard playground-thing while mowing, and about 60 black and white striped "jumping spiders" went nuts, jumping all over the place. I nearly had a freaking heart attack and that was AFTER I was a lot more comfy with them haha! But I had to admit, later, that they were actually really COOL! Boys/men who are often for some reason less afraid of spiders than girls, culturally, seem to appreciate that more, I've noticed.

I wondered briefly, if we didn't reject that particular energy, what might they be like, instead of deadly and gross?

And I remembered the two times I have perceived a spider deva, once spontaneously and once in a dream, and both time, they were just beautiful, amazing, astounding, holy, "glory" is the word that comes to mind. There was zero sense of grossness.

I used to have a genuine, pay-a-psychologist-level phobia of spiders. I could not even hear the word without having a full-on panic attack. Even when I knew it was coming like a friend teasing and just whispering it. When I was 18 and my father and I moved out from his 4th (psychotic) wife, I set out to take on everything I was afraid of and not be afraid of it anymore. I took up martial arts and firearms so I could kill the next person stupid enough to beat up on me or frankly torment me in any way. And I took up dealing with my fear about that bug.

I conditioned myself out 'most of' my fear, though it took a long time and serious work. I would see one and get as close as I could (like... as far away as physically possible, so it was so distant I could barely see it, hahaha) and then I would force myself to slowly get closer and closer to it, telling myself it was one of God's creatures, it was very small, it was probably more scared of me than I of it if it even perceived me at all, that it was really quite wondrous in build as a nature technology, and so on and so forth. I would try to get as close to it as I could, which initially was "at least 10 feet away back pressed to opposite wall" and eventually was up close enough that I could study it carefully and in detail, and notice its texture and unique shaping and pretty coloring sometimes and so on.

I still do not like seeing them by surprise and I definitely don't want them touching my body, but I will catch them in a plastic storage dish and scoot a paper plate under, and put them outside, when I find them in the house, so they are not killed.

I had a really interesting experience with a couple spiders (and a deva) back in the 90s here, for those interested.

So maybe instead of biting us, they wouldn't, or maybe it just literally would have no toxic effect on us at all -- after all, the degree of deadly in bugs is about how our bodies react to them -- if our bodies were different, they wouldn't be so deadly. Maybe instead of seeming gross and scary they would look nicer, and we would perceive them as nicer. We would "see their glory" -- their angel inside, like the deva! -- rather than what we perceive it like now.

Like how beautiful flowers are. Maybe they didn't start as flowers. Or way fewer of them. Maybe they are small energies that we really adore but haven't totally integrated--or that did not choose to be integrated and we haven't forced the issue--and so we perceive them as beautiful in color and form and smell, the jewels of the plant world. More positive relationship with trees, more flowers... more negative relationship with dandelions, more spiky weeds. :-)

*

The meditation (from past journals) where I pulled the energy together that was miles of yucky bugs, and when it reached a certain point everything flash-changed and was a forest with a myriad of creatures, with varying degrees of sentience, ranging from bugs (still) to trees and large animals, made me realize that animals are part of us too.

They are a lot more "independent in identity and autonomy" of course.

I once woke up in the morning, back when I lived in my RV-van-conversion with sailboard, guitars and Jimi posters :-) -- and happened to look at my black kitten, Polo. (I had two, Polo and Seti.) I was awake, but sleepy.

And when I looked at her, my god! -- what I actually saw, "inhabiting the same space as her" now that I think about it, like the light-beings in people in the store -- was this other cat, a few times her size, with HUGE eyes, that were totally sentient, in a way foreign to me. The eyes were actually larger and more slanted than most cat's eyes actually are, on this creature. Oh yeah, and the eyes and most of it was actually really *gold* even though polo was black.

(It suddenly occurs to me why Praying Mantis bugs are so freaky-but-cool: their eyes are actually a lot more like a deva than most critters' are. When they look at you, you actually feel as if they are intelligent and if you're open to it, you see the sentience and the foreignness of it at the same time. It's disturbing, and yet fascinating.)

The cat-soul of Polo looked at me, way-smart and way-foreign, and I imagine my eyes and mouth were open wide in astonishment. I closed my eyes tight, thinking I was imagining it, and opened them again, and it was just Polo, looking at me like most cats do... like they simply cannot care less unless you're going to feed or wait on them. :-)

Anyway -- so I was going to say, that animals represent energy that is part of us too, maybe "at large." By that I mean, maybe it's a sort of "collective species energy" that we pointedly make not-us, and that energy makes "cats" and their variants, just like other energy makes spiders and their variants.

I am not actually intending to convey that they are just 'a rejected part of us'. NO. They are a valid part of the universe of energy all on their own. They deserve respect as that, they are just like we are in that regard. It's just that we have not integrated them AND they have not integrated us.

I think maybe when an animal goes extinct it is either because we have truly integrated it, or more likely, because our interaction with it has literally changed the form it is going to take.

So for example, we have no more of a certain kind of buffalo, which were harmless to us for the most part, but now maybe we have, say... a certain sub-type of animal that is more hostile to us... or insect.... or Kudzu, taking over and destroying landscapes and human efforts the way white men took over and destroyed the buffalo's habitat.

Like energy's "social geometry", buffalo=A, and any combination of things that "equals A" could be created to 'balance that' in our reality. Maybe it takes a small animal, a bug, and kudzu, to kind of split up the energy into certain genres of 'meaning-form'.

Thinking out loud here. I think the energy say of cats, has a much more positive relationship to us, and is a lot more developed within us, maybe that is why it is in larger form than a bug, and why it has a positive perception for us. Most of us. Maybe the control freaks-of-nature that don't like cats (sorry, I'm a cat person!) actually have an issue with 'that energy' -- not really cats but the energy which cats are based on. Their fractal formula, you might say.

When we have something really well developed but not fully accepted, maybe it comes across as something we admire, something very sentient, but something potentially deadly to us -- like a cougar or polar bear.

I think our horrifying treatment of animals in our farming food supply -- I do not mean the eating them, I mean the conditions of breeding them for that we allow -- as well as the horrifying destruction of entire ecosystems that agriculture creates -- is a big sign of how we are treating a fairly major and otherwise positive energy in us. We're making it more negative, that relationship.

I imagine when wolves began to domesticate into man's best friend the dog, it reflected in part a change in human energetic relationship with the wolves. Not 100% or there would not be any wolves left. But partly. Our hunting the Auk to extinction, and it harmless to us, well that energy doesn't just disappear, energy never goes anywhere it just changes form. So where did all the energy of the Auk go? I don't know.

Maybe when we have fairly advanced energies we are so separate from we can barely perceive them, really foreign and alien to us, they live in the sea far from us, like the giant squid that after thousands of years we just recently even realized was real and not just some rare sailor superstition.

*

That makes me wonder. If everything in our reality is really a symbol... that means everything has meaning, even color, form, etc.. Yes, Seth told me this 10 years ago but I'm just starting to grok it in new ways now!

I used to take out my trash while visualizing that all the bad and dark and yucky energies of me were being taken into that bag and I would carry it out and throw it into the can and give myself a great sense of relief like it was a formal energy cleansing.

Maybe panthers are black for a reason. Maybe the King's energy, his color black, is part of them, and part of everything black in our experiential universe. Hmmmn. I guess the cabalists would probably say that is so.

*

I got this great light that is a cubic rectangle, a tall japanese shoji light, few years ago. I was really having awesome meditations then. In one, the "four rectangle panels of light" were sort of 'reflected' and that was a key thing of import. Not until recently when I saw the Gnostic doctrine that suggests "the Four" are "the Four Aeons of Light" did I suspect what that meant.

Later, I quit meditating for eons, barely ever at all, and have ignored the Senior for a long time though he has flatly commanded me to come to the Tower. Curiously, that light died. I haven't been able to figure out how to fix it all this time. It was fine, then every time I tried to plug it in, it sparked and threw the whole breaker.

It makes me think that Seth was right. Like me getting LASIK within two months of the massive change in my eye/I that the body-intelligence/deva showed me. Our physical reality including the "dynamics and issues and situations", are symbols for what is inside us. Maybe my light died, leaving only the empty dark forms of it, because it's a reflection.

I have a socket for the light, with a long cord and plug. I have -- or at least had -- the metal thing that stands upright (using a couple thumb-flybolts tightened) in this piece of wood in the middle. I have everything I need. But I cannot figure out how to get the light socket's power-cord/plug, "through" the metal thing that maintains it upright inside the four panels that fold up to the cubic rectangle. In order to get the connecting cord between light socket and plug 'through' that metal thing, it seems obvious that the cord would need to be cut and put through it, and then re-connected. Or that when it was built, it just started that way and the plug wasn't added until it was already through. I have both pieces, I just can't get it integrated so that the "supporting structure" can hold the light inside.

Shit. I just can't get integrated so that the supporting structure can hold the light inside. Should I pretend that was not so blindingly obvious a metaphysical and psychological parallel to my life? I have been refusing to take the King's energy, and refusing to "let myself make this a religion" or "delude myself into believing all this is more than entertaining imagination" so I've been unable to solidify it into a structure of practice and attention and allowance that would really let me... er, shine.

PJ

Dream Collage

2009-12-14T00:03:00.001-06:00

I am SO relieved, this is the last of them! This is all the stuff I found in handwritten journal fragments and a few emails. I have more in a 'book two' for bewilderness but I cannot find that file anywhere.

This post is just a collection of thoughts and dreams, nothing important just some shamanic and spiritual and psi and odd stuff, same 'ol. I don't want to lose these pieces esp as some are slightly 'dark side' (which I tend to under-record) and I'm clearing out the physical books, so I'm putting it here for my 'search' posterity. Thankfully future blogging should only be current stuff now.

I have not done any meditating in the few days since I've been collecting this stuff. I see now that a huge edu was needed for me as I'd forgotten a ton of important stuff esp. about the Four, and chakras, and outer guides, and so on, so I feel it was worth the effort.

Journal fragment, June 25, 2008

I was in a dream having a conversation with someone who was a teacher. I asked him, Do you think I should I be learning to deal with negative spiritual stuff? And he said something I don't remember (which implied "No") and then explained at the end of that:

For you should be able to say with a clear heart: "I know nothing of evil; I know only the goodness of the Lord."

Later, I found I was wearing a very beautifully intriguing "black heart" pendant necklace, and I understood that this belonged in nature to a woman who was evil, and that would not be me, and so I gave it back to her, feeling it was not appropriate that I should wear it. Then me and "my people" stood singing Ave Maria for quite awhile.

Despite that went on awhile, and I think other dreams and quite some time passed before I woke up, still when I woke I had his voice and that sentence running through my head so clearly, as if it was set to be the first thing I heard on awakening, to be sure I wouldn't forget it.

Journal fragment, July 22 or 23, 2008

Archmed on fear of failure [specific to conscious psi functioning performance]. The arch was a sickly green and a sickly yellow, humanoid, with a fish head and some things sticking out of him. Long shape through gut, chest, and head was a harpoon! I dissolved it. Cleaned him with water of life. Another tall rectangle stuck out the top of his head. As I dissolved this, the back of my right hand suddenly hurt, I could tell they were related.

I thought, "I sense his fish head means issues from the womb." He said to me, "Also, those passed genetically by parents." (I wondered if this a common symbol or only mine.) He was then in a tuxedo, and we danced in an outdoor ballroom under the stars. I told him I thought fear of failure could sometimes be useful, that I was not trying to destroy him, but it had been so strong that in some areas it interfered with my trying something at all, which defeated the point of my being alive. I asked him to help push me to succeed, instead. I kissed his fishy forehead and took him back to IG. I forgot to ask him for something on/in me but I think it's ok. {Note: this was not a good med; I should have attempted better and complete healing.}

Journal fragment, Feb 8, 2006

Archmed on fear/rage. Big bulky muscled guy. Every time I tried to look directly at it, I had a sharp pain literally in my heart!, and felt massive fear in my gut. Enough work and finally he surprised me by unzipping the bulk and stepping out of himself like most of the outer body had been clothes. Weird. Felt like it worked ok though.

Thoughts. 15Jan06. Technology of prayer

I got into a meditation of prayer. At one point, I nearly shifted into a state I sometimes experienced when doing hands-on energy work. It feels as if "a light opens up in me" from "just in front of me" yet it is also somehow "through" me, heart to crown. It feels as if light comes down via my crown chakra, and "I" am moved slightly backward in my body, just behind center. (It's possible the heart chakra is in the front of the body, like the 3rd eye, not the center, and this is what I'm feeling.) I began praying to be made a better person so I could better serve othres and the greater good. This became a distinct state of mind, one I have not felt before. This led to a thought:

Might there be a technology of sorts for prayer? Some "method" -- or at least, a certain intent -- whereby prayer, like my experience, shifts from being an idea or process, into that "holy communion"? I nearly shifted into it twice, not successfully. Maybe my thinking "about" it instead of just "being" it got in the way. (The primary lesson of my spiritual life involved getting my left brain the hell outta the way and pushing for 'doing' not 'thinking' which sidetracks me into intellectualism.)

So I asked to be taught "how to pray". To really do it right, do it best, not just a mental thing but a full-on powerful energy thing.

I have that new inner guide now. He is kinda pale up close. Has tiny spots on his side I see now, like Dax the 'trill' on DS9. Weird!

Journal fragment, January 20, 2006

In a dream, I was having a discussion with two women and a man. They were identical like triplets. After a few moments, I became suspicious about this. I could feel it just wasn't... right. They were unnaturally too similar in the feel of their energy, especially for having different genders.

"Are you *sure* you're not a trifurcated biological clone?" I demanded, which I know in my head is an intentionally created-being that is actually neither gender.

"Yes," they admit sheepishly.

"I haven't met many of those," I say carefully, trying not to show judgement.

"Oh, there are tons of us. Tons and tons!" they tell me with enthusiasm.

I do often have 'three' in dreams, but it is usually either three things in series or three levels...

Journal fragment, September 3, 2005

I've been thinking. The only thing we truly own is our 'sense of the continuity of identity'. My body changes at every level constantly. The body I claimed last week is not the me of today. By the time I have even a thought about this, the body which began the thinking is no longer quite the same. The only thing remaining from the me of 20 years ago is the potential illusion of my "sense of continuous identity." When I am someone else in a dream I am me. When I am someone else in an RV target I am me. When I was a different person in a different place at a different time 25 years ago, I am me. When I tune into the me in a dream I may have years of history in that reality. It is all me. If the only thing I perceive is, obviously, "my own perception," then how is anything else I perceive independent of me? Doesn't my perception alone force all things into the subjective channel of me?

[a short time after that, the crucixion happened, so maybe that answered that.]

Journal fragment, [date unk]

I am "of" so many things and places and peoples and times, the only thing familiar to me when I get in the flow is the Sun. I feel as if the sun is the one thing that has been a constant in all my lives, in all my worlds, in all my realities, in all my times. I think I understand the 'Ra' concept, and I like the name, because of that. I call it Ra and tell him how much I adore him.

Journal fragment, [date unk]

Quote from Seth: "...The body is composed of living, responding atoms and molecules, and they compose the cells, and these combine to form the organs. The organs possess the combined consciousnesses of each of the cells within them, and in their way the organs sense their own identity." [...] "While you are in this reality there is no division between the mental, the spiritual and the physical. If you think there is, then you do not sufficiently understand the spirituality of the flesh or the physical reality of your thought."

Journal fragment, November 10, 2004

I went to my OG plateau, in prep for another CC med, and the main guide told me I should ask to work with the most substantial block I had.

I said, physical or energy? He said, the physical IS energy.

Journal fragment, [date unk, 2006?]

Today in an archetype meditation on "issues with authority which are manifesting as overwhelming debt", a variety of things went on during the med. The archetype was predictably horrifying. The ones you have a problem with always are. This one was dark and disgusting and sorta slimy and had way too many things going on for a normal body. I cleaned and dried and so on, visualizing various dynamics as needed for healing. When it was done there was still one issue, this weird motion, and I reached in and a snake slithered out of it and I grabbed it and pulled it out and visualized the light-of-love all over it. Normally things morph into something better, but this just disappeared like dissolved.

I said, "What does this mean, I don't get it?"

And the arch said, "Your mild incest as a child with authority figures has set up a belief system geometry that makes them the 'overwhelming unfightable authority' and you the 'vulnerable helpless' one. You live what you know and you've held that pattern."

I said, "Holy shit! You're telling me that incest causes financial problems?" This struck me as sort of absurd.

It said, "No, I'm telling you that *for you*, that experience caused a build of certain energy structures that in your current life are manifesting in this way."

He then 'showed' me in a sort of 'understanding-sequence' that for other people, this might manifest as a bad boss, an invasive mother in law, cops with a tendency to harrass, the list was infinite.

I felt a focus in the bottom front of my right foot, the ball and a little bit forward, and I said, "That is a main body area that relates to this authority problem?" and he agreed.

{I JUST was looking for an answer to this, so it's awesome I found record of that med.}

Journal fragment, July 1, 2006

In a dream, I met a man I saw so clearly it was mind boggling. He had very dark hair, and he was a really big guy. {Later when awake I thought his name might have been "Ben," but I didn't remember that from the dream so it might be wrong.} He had been a remote viewer in some secret military effort, I understood. I perceived him as if he had some kind of family relationship to me. I kept going back around him, and he acted like he couldn't decide if he was happy to meet me or felt weird about it all.

At one point he picked up a couple offbeat things in his hand I can't recall, but I think one was fire and one was wind... but they were objects. He began to go off to use them, and I realized they had connection for use as a prop during psi, in a sort of negative RI kind of way. He saw that I saw, and he looked at me sadly, like that wasn't really who he wanted to be inside, and yet was.

I just couldn't believe how clearly I saw the guy, never seen this person in life that I know of, I suppose it must be 'an aspect' of me or something. I slept at his house, and he woke me up early to exercise. I protested greatly that I see no relation to RV in this. He was really a dominating trainer-bully about it.

Journal fragment, September 2002

I was lucid in this dream but it was a shamanic trap! Sheesh. Either that or even my dreams are getting really paranoid.

In the dream--well actually I was doing something else and the dream was interrupted/changed when a man from Mexico came to find me, asking to travel/stick close to me. Said he'd known and loved my mother very well {she died of cancer when I was 9}, implying that should make me treat him like family. He said he needed shelter because both our governments had unfairly abused him (he showed me pictures of him beat up and bruised), and implied they were responsible for her death.

He assured me that my father also knew him as mom's close friend, but I promptly wondered, "Does dad really know him??" and my father 'pops into' the dream and says to us, "No way, I have no idea who that guy is!" and vanishes. So this other man pops into existence on his side, and validates the guy, and assures me dad just doesn't remember.

The man gives me a box to keep for him, to keep near us, with a subtle implication things in it had been mom's. For some reason we have to part.

I go straight to my close friend X, a soldier and psychic and father figure {in real life}, and I tell him about this. He is instantly distrustful. He takes the box, 'feels' it and then opens it. It's filled with what seemed to be gifts or a woman's things, like crochet needles and such, innocent and pretty. But X says with a growl, "These are weapons." He takes most of the pointy/knife-like things and hides them in his clothing.

He comes with me to find the man, he wants to hunt him down himself, before the guy comes back for me. But we're interrupted by this gorgeous young woman, who sucks up to X and tells me to please go wait 'over there' in a waiting room while they talk privately. X loses all facial expression and looks totally neutral, so I can tell he doesn't trust her at all, but he hesitantly indicates I should go ahead and wait where it's safe and they will talk.

I went into the waiting room and found myself instantly trapped in a weird prison. Another woman stood helpless in there and clearly unhappy about it.

"That's implant #25", the woman said in disgust, about the pretty woman who'd gotten X's attention.

"Impl-- you mean this is a dream, and this woman is like a thought form implanted into the dream by an outside someone or agency?" I said in astonishment.

"Yes," she agreed sullenly. I searched for an escape. "Don't bother," she groused. "There isn't one. It's not like they wouldn't have thought to make it impossible." But I knew how details of my mind often escaped the dream implanters, as I knew I had encountered them before, so I went looking anyway, determined.

I finally found my way out, and I went straight to my friend; the woman had gone. He said quietly to me, "None of this is real. This is all invented solely to get you to allow that man to get and stay close to you."

Then I felt very confused, like my mind was suddenly grey static for a second, followed by it suddenly clearing but now I 'remembered' a brand new sliver about my past I'd never had before. I heard myself blurting out some confession about it to my friend, a thing that might normally be expected to make someone distracted from whatever they're thinking about by that kind of news (something about 'whoring 20 men a day once as a child' or something like that, with an overlay of mind control). But my friend didn't even blink, he instead focused on showing me that the man had provably been lying. As he was showing me this, the man showed up with minions, and they laughed wickedly, intending to kill him, as X yelled at me, "Get down!"

I dropped and rolled, hiding behind a piece of furniture, as sounds of some scuffle ensued. It was mostly quiet and still then, and I dared to peek out. Bodies lay around the floor, with obviously thrown stabbing implements in them, the ones X had hidden in his clothes from that box. He said, "I killed him first, as I trusted him least," pointing at the foreign guy.

Then he took me "somewhere safe" and sat down quietly with me and asked me about the thing I'd said about childhood. I began to tell him, but as I was doing so, somehow it all "shifted away from me" like it no longer existed. I said, "I think I may have accidentally invented that. I don't know. To be honest, I have so many histories of me, that I sometimes have no idea who I am." (I had an overlay of multiple realities and being able to tune into any of them as one's "past".) He nodded as if he understood. He was sitting up against something, and I leaned over and put my head against his chest, finally feeling safe, and fell asleep. A short time later, my alarm woke me up.

Journal fragment, 2004 I think

Perhaps this world is illusion, like the magic spells in our archetypal stories which cause the hero to be lost in the wilderness. When we look and see, we believe what we see. If we look only at where our feet touch our path, and have faith in that, the path may unveil itself to us one step at a time. Look ahead though, and you're lost. Like driving through heavy fog in the dark, we must steer by the tiny strip of white line on the pavement at the side; trying to look into the opaque abyss is suicide.

Maybe my daily life and insecurities are like the confused journey of someone wandering the forest and believing every path they see. Maybe they are valid, but then again: how often do I ask myself with my heart, from the depth of myself that is more than the surface I call me, "what is real?"

What we experience... maybe it depends not so much on where we are, or when we are, or who we are, as what we are. And what we are changes every moment. Not just in body but on more levels than we can count. We are always in a state of 'becoming'. I sense: The human is terrified by the unknown. The mind and ego are forced to work within time, and hold a consistent sense of identity, but every moment is actually the 'new'. Might this be why humans cling so fiendishly to tradition, ritual, and fear of change?

The Narrator is a part of me. I would be less 'me' without him. Yet he also has another existence without me, as I do him. We... 'overlap' and merge where we do. To the extent I focus my attention so he 'comes through' me ("intuitive writing" is his voice, so to speak), I benefit from his... insight. And he benefits from my... energy... or something. It is a tradeoff. As I once wrote--thanks to him--we "pay" attention. It is our rent on reality.

Maybe we are symbiotes, like Judzia Dax, the Trill on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. An old soul in a young body. Maybe the degree of our power from that merge depends on our ability to recognize the parts of ourself which are not the surface genetics we consider our personality.

Journal fragment, date unknown

There is a stronger destiny, I feel, than the mundane world we see. The mundane world that has no interest in psi or spirit. It is the illusion of the forest, enchanting us away from what we 'feel' when who we are touches the path we walk. I know of few people who don't have the sense of 'impending.' Who don't feel that within a dozen years -- if that -- something fairly significant is going to occur. War... probably. First contact... probably. Probability shift?... probably. Someone knows. Probably many someones. And we all know, at some level of consciousness.

I thought to myself, Maybe it is a form of messianic/paranoic insanity to think such things.

Then someone inside me responded, That is the power of the surface-world to dampen your fire and convince you not just of a different path, but that there is no path at all. That because LOGIC in the cold world of illusion doesn't support the idea, you must be insane to think such a thing exists.

Journal fragment, date unknown

Last night Ry said in the kitchen, following a brief joke about tornados, "I'm not going to die. I'm here for a reason, and I haven't done what I'm here for yet." She was perfectly casual about this and continued on what she was doing. Maybe at 8 she is young enough to know. Are we too jaded to hear that from ourselves? Do we have a purpose?

That reminds me that when she was maybe 6?, she was telling me something about her earlier childhood, and she added something casually with a shrug, like, "But I didn't come here until I was about four." I said, what do you mean? She said, "I was only dreaming this life until then. It was just a dream. But then I went into the dream and it became real and I was living here, instead. But I wasn't really here until then."

Journal fragment, date unknown

I met a man (Nestor) who was one of the gifted. He put his hands inside my skin. He gave me energy that saved me and changed my life. He did this for anybody who requested it. He was not a saint. He smoked. He liked beer and Kareoke. He had three kids and was technically catholic. The priests, he told me privately, considered him chosen in some way and felt he should be an example. "Live in a cave in a white robe?" I suggested with a grin, and he laughed yes.

When he touched me that way, I knew he felt me. Psychically. I 'understood' during the experience that this was how it ought to be. Health, I mean. But it was more than that. I could feel the ability inside me. It had a huge feel, like something "on the tip of my tongue." Something that deep on my inside, recognized what he was doing on the outside, and almost, but not quite, made the connection. I had the clear sense that if I could merely stand in his presence while he did this work, for perhaps a few days, that I would get it: that I would be able to do this too; that the "latent ability" was inside me.

It was several years before I realized that the reason he does that work constantly, for all who ask, and seeks it out, and never falters in that, is because he must. Because we forget to remember. Every hour away is a time that a lifetime of habit and culture and perhaps more is pulling us the other way. It requires constant physical, mental and spiritual intent just to keep the connection at its present level. Same with conscious psi I guess.

To grow, perhaps we must "run faster than we can" as the red queen told Alice in 'Through the Looking Glass'. We must exceed ourselves. We must, in short, become--allow ourselves to become--more than we are at the moment we make the choice. And then we are a little bit more connected. And of course, we are also, just a little, someone new.

Journal fragment, July 21, 2002

Archmed on all aspects of my job. The arch was a big white bird. It had a ball & chain around one ankle and an anchor around the other. Boy that's obvious. I removed both of these but he was still stuck in this thick heavy gooey mess. I got him out and cleaned him and fluffed him and he just flew away! I never had an archetype go away instead of inner guide making it vanish, I didn't even think I was done.

Journal fragment, May 6, 2007

I had a session this morning that was hilariously assumedly offtarget (it was a lizard). But it was amazingly educational, someone in my head showing me how the same pretty complex data about form, dynamic, sequence, relationship, could come through to me in so many totally different ways. It's my ability to allow it and correctly interpret it that matters. The same data came as people, as 'biologicals', in a daydream, in a full-on 3D movie, as 'geometries', and as something I can't explain that managed to be information without being anyTHING, literally demonstrating that we don't have to perceive something we have no mental model for. We can perceive it objectified as best we can, and perceive the rest in any imaginable way, and still "get it".

Journal fragment, September 26, 2006

Me and another were on a quest to learn/find/become something. A man who was also some other kind of spiritual creature, he came to us and said something like, "OK, if you would learn..." And he slapped down this thing for each of us: small, red, glowing, yucky sorta, that we would need to swallow. The other person hesitated, but I grabbed it and ingested it as fast as I could before I changed my mind. And it changed me into something completely different. But there were 'cycles' of time or motion and with each, I saw more of myself on the surface, until by the end, I was all me again.

After seeing it was safe, the other with me ate theirs, but nothing happened. We both understood... it was too late. The courage was part of it. Because I had succeeded in this, I got to visit "the beautiful one"... some woman.

There was a man who had given up one of his organs (on death) and another man was using it now. The second man was on stage talking to people. The first man (who had given the organ) appeared, and he was a very unusual indigo blue pulsing color to me. He was so fascinated with the man who had received his organ that he wound his way closer to the stage, until suddenly he was right in front of him, so couldn't be missed. I wondered if this would cause the receiving man to remember something of the others' life?

Then I was "sitting in on" the experience of the second man on stage. He did finally notice the other man, but what he saw was nothing like what I saw. He didn't see the pulsing indigo blue color at all. He saw the man except with this symbol like the eyes and mouth seemed "grown over with skin" or something weird and scary like that, and he literally passed out! I worried he'd have some kind of heart attack or relapse just from the bizarre shock of it.

Journal fragment, August 13, 2007

{This was evening of Ry's birthday. Earlier that day I had said a prayer to the spider Deva, asking it please to have all its people get out of my house and garage, because we were going to use bug-bombs (mostly for fleas) that would kill anybody left. Ry slept with me. No big deal and I didn't think about it again.}

I was in a dream with Ry, and while we were in the dream, a spider deva arrived to talk to me.

Ry started to freak out, she's so afraid of spiders, but she couldn't helped be soothed by the Deva's effect: She was BEAUTIFUL. She was on this big web that sparkled like a diamond net in a starry night. It was awe-inspiring. She came closer and closer to us and I was telling Ry, It's ok. She's here because I just sent her a message earlier.

After a minute of commune with her I said to Ry, I see. She wants to know WHERE her people should go for safety. I told her to get them out, but not where they should go!

I woke up and remembered the dream, and I hope I got through to her they should be going out to the backyard. I imagined it from every angle above and around and in the house and physically said and pointed, too. Then I told C not to kill any spiders if she saw them in the meantime (on their way out).

Journal fragment, April 3, 2008

In a dream, I nearly died and was miraculously saved in some highly improbable situation, at which point, a man appeared. He attracted me, and yet frightened me, as if he were
physically powerful yet spiritually cold.

He told me I was the 'something', I can't remember the word, but it was a sort of messianic role.

I didn't take him seriously. I said with humor, "As long as this doesn't mean I'll have to die nailed to something, or be killed in some big focus drama, that's fine with me!" and laughed.

He didn't laugh. He said, "Actually, it does."

I was a little taken aback but I tried to be careless and flippant.

"Man, hate it when that happens!" I said, rolling my eyes and shrugging.

I fell asleep (in the dream) and found myself in a bookstore, browsing. I was looking to find a book that would help me with the issue of the man. "You have to *believe*," some part of me said. "Like when you're trying to manifest parking spaces. You have to believe that it's not only possible but *probable*." {Sounds like Nero, who often helps in dreams.}

I found an odd looking book and pulled it out. It was missing most the pages but some in back. The front of the book had embedded in its cover this oversized front of a cat's boney skull, like maybe some kind of wildcat (large). I blew on it to blow the dust off, and a star-shade began to detach. {That is how I perceive spirits-of-dead in remote viewing, as a cross between 'star' and 'shade'.} I realized a portion of the spirit of the cat had remained with the book, and maybe that was the point of it of course, but I also understood that it deserved to be free, so I kept blowing until it was fully released.

Later (now awake in the dream), I was flying home in a flying machine that was failing. A female teacher I used to have was worried for me, and asked that man to save me, even though she, in her ignorance, didn't know this man was actually my greatest threat and a scary dude. But he did save me from that, though I wasn't sure I wouldn't have been ok anyway.

But then he saw the book I had and froze. Demanded to know how on earth I had come by it. I discovered there were only four of these in our whole world and understood he'd been trying to come by it for eons. I also understood there was info in it that would help me, and that related to him, and to whatever I innately 'was'.

Then my stupid alarm went off.

Journal fragment, various dates

I found pieces of several dreams where a child who had tiny, or missing, or deformed, legs (always legs, sometimes body too), a child that was "mostly head", was being recognized, and we were calling it by some name I understood implied "a living god born on earth" to the East Indians.

Journal fragment, June 11, 2008

I wondered, why must be we have bad experience? Why can't we just learn from good experiences? Apparently this dream was a response to that. Sheesh I was almost sorry I asked!

Entities/aliens arrived at a planet and told the people they could make their lives so much better. They could make it so everyone was happy. And as a bonus, people could regularly (like a vacation) do anything they wanted, like be a rock star, or care for horses, or whatever they would find fulfilling.

Because the people were idiots, the promise of happiness caused them to vote it in. And nearly all of them were promptly removed to what amounted to a gulag. A tiny few were left to care for the tiny part of the planet that the people could still have; all the rest of the planet now belonged to the aliens.

They had a technology that worked remotely, based on frequencies. It It scanned the body and could find negative emotion, which was often paired with memory. And it zapped it. You couldn't have it for more than a few seconds before it would remove it and any memory it paired with as well.

Once every X period each person in the gulag got to go to the planet and be whatever they wanted to be. Like care for horses for example. The stables were filled with rotting corpses of horses not cared for, because nobody on the planet or visiting could deal with the 'negative' stuff that needed to be done. But once someone saw this horror, the memory was removed from them. So when they went 'home', they believed and told everyone of the ecstacy and beauty they experienced, because they could only remember the good parts.

On one occasion I watched this young boy fall into the river. A vacationer jumped in to get him out, but the pollution of the river and the stress of the little boy drowning was a negative, so the scanner got her and she forgot what she was doing right in the middle of it and he drowned. The father, who lived locally, was very upset about the death of his boy, but then it zapped his emotion and memory, and someone was pointing out that he had yet another son, so after a few minutes he felt happy enough.

It showed a woman who wanted to be a famous singer, and the camera and screen that was showing her performance was all trashed, beat up and half fake, but the scanner was taking all her negative response right as it happened, and so all she would remember when she went home, were the pieces her mind would sketch or piece together and make new sense of, of the good stuff.

The lesson was that not wanting to feel something negative was the most horrible nightmare imaginable. A people who had made that trade had no idea what they were getting themselves into. They were happy cows after that obviously, but it annihilated what they inherently were and all their potential, and they traded all freedom (and their planet) for this ridiculous, accurate but deadly, promise of "happiness."

Journal fragment, June 17, 2008

In a dream I was traveling and had about a week of layover. I was at a bar in the evening like at a hotel, talking to this man to the left of me. He was telling me that he was on his way to someplace I can't recall, to visit this man who was some kind of master, shaman or guru, for "soul retrieval". This guy, he was telling me, was the real deal, and it was all really amazing. I realized that this was not a coincidence that I'd met him. That I had to come up with a way to get to this man with him, even if it took my last dollar, because nothing was more truly important to my life. I had just made the decision when I woke up.

Letter fragment, date unknown, spring 2006 I think

Spontaneous psi isn't all that common but I usually dismiss it.

One day I was sitting at this contract job making an org flow chart, and as I moved a photo layer over in Illustrator I 'knew' utterly that this was the guy who really liked little blonde girls and paid big money to collect child porn his wife didn't know about. Now that was something I could have done without knowing! I shrugged it off. Couple days later I was walking to the store down the street of my tiny new town, population less than 900. I was thinking about whether I should mow the lawn or wait another weekend, when a beat up old farm truck (that describes nearly every vehicle there) goes rambling past. As I casually look past it--didn't even look at the driver closely--I had an intense "ping" on me of "knowing" that he was a Nazi, and I mean the old fashioned kind, part of a formal local group, and really ruthless. I went in the house and told L about this. I shrugged it off, probably imagination, and went out and mowed. During that just for quirks, L does an internet search and it turns out our tiny little town had a Nazi chapter of its own no less, they'd met weekly at the tiny firehouse half a block away from our house for many many years, until just a few months before we moved in (dunno where they are now). Course that doesn't prove anything about that guy, except to my gut.

Cats must find me. There was the time I called home (from work, an hour away) and insisted to L that I had decided I wanted him to go with me to the shelter right when I got home, and find us a grey tabby female kitten (my fave sort of cat). He says well ok... wait, wait, the dogs are going crazy.... and he goes outside, and the dogs are flipping out over what looked like a drowned rat and turned out to be a grey tabby female kitten (in the rain). I can't believe they didn't eat it--I'd seen them swallow huge gophers whole!! --what are the odds, I ask you? No clue where it came from. L (being a total airhead) actually put the tiny little soaked thing outside the fence where the dogs couldn't get it and tried to leave. It wailed pitifully until he went back and brought it in. He didn't realize until he got it dry that it was a grey tabby girl, about 7-8 weeks old. He named her Rene, for Descartes, as she would stand on his shoulder.

One time in Seattle, L never would shut the door right, and I had the baby in my arms, and sure enough the storm blows freezing mud-rain into the house, wakes up the baby, and nearly gives me a heart attack happening suddenly at 4am or so. I put the baby down, stomp to the door just enraged, and I push the door shut and just as it shuts and I am moving away, fury overtakes me (this thing with the door had happened so many times!), and I whirled around and hissed loudly at the door, flinging my fingre out in a point at it, "I OUGHTTA NAIL THAT F---ING DOOR *SHUT*!!" I felt better, and I picked up the baby and that was that. Except later when L went to open the door to go take a smoke, he realized... he couldn't. The door wouldn't open. I hadn't even touched the knob, nor did I slam it--I pushed it shut on the wood a couple feet higher than the knob and I had shut it normally. It was about 2 seconds after that, when I was a few steps away, that the rage hit me. He flat out could not get the door open AT ALL. It took three days and finally tearing the entire doorknob out (and going out the window to work on the other side from the balcony) in order to get the door open. There was no visible reason why. It was inexplicable.

There was one time I was in Oregon, sleeping on the floor at a friends' house. I was SO exhausted, having driven through the night. It was early morning, and I was on the 2nd story. Someone in the parking lot below was trying to start a car over and over, but it wouldn't start. I was ~50-60% asleep. It kept up, very noisy, then I was about 30-40% asleep. Then I just accepted, as I was half in the dreamy mode so not being very critical, that I 'understood' that the driver was a young man, that he was going to be late for work if it didn't start, that his boss had told him if he was late one more time he'd be fired, and he so sincerely and desperately was doing his best, but his stupid old car wouldn't start. I could FEEL his feelings of desperation and nearly crying in frustration. He would crank the ignition and it would do that nyuh-nyuh-nyuh-nyuh sound for awhile and then he'd let it rest briefly. Finally, I felt compassion for him, and in dream-logic, I just reached up with my right arm and stabbed my finger into the air abruptly and 'started it' at the far point of the finger, like BAM! ---No big deal. I was enough in dream to believe I could, but enough awake to be physically moving and acting on stuff in my reality. It started the instant I intended it to, and I dropped my arm down to the blanket and sighed in relief, but "felt" him feeling this UTTER astonishment--he hadn't even been trying to start it at that point! It just started itself! I grinned at that, at how funny it struck me that he was so freaked out, but I was SO weary, so I turned over and went back to sleep, and that was that.

Journal fragment, June 2008

Gosh I had a bad sleep experience last night. First, I kept slowing down to nearly stopping in my breathing, which is normal, I breathe shallowly. But when I haven't breathed for awhile, and my oxygen level for the heart/brain starts getting critical, my body brings me closer to the surface of waking and goes 'breathe!!' and I take a deep breath. That's normal. Except last night when I tried, I couldn't. It was literally like there was this pressure on my chest or lungs, so that when I finally needed to take a breath desperately, suddenly it was against me doing so. This happened repeatedly, while my body gave me instant dreams to try and help me, insisting that I breathe right NOW and take a DEEP breath. Weirdly, I was lucid enough to understand exactly what was going on, but my body was still mostly asleep.

I finally woke up, went back to sleep, and it happened again! Except the second time I woke up, after a lot of this, I felt like it was *personal.* Like it wasn't some inexplicable body thing, but that some person, individual, was actually attempting to target me at a moment matching that 'sleep apnea during sleep critical oxygen need' moment, and try to stop me getting the O2. I would die in my sleep, it would be ruled a heart attack.

I felt this so strongly, no matter how completely irrational and paranoid that is, that I determined to order a gel sleep apnea mask today online and start wearing the damn machine.

{This happened many more times for about a week. Then it changed and happened but differently for another week, and that continued, diff approach for a week each, for about a month, then it stopped for awhile, then picked up again, then stopped again.}

PJ

Black and Red: The Castle

2009-12-13T18:44:00.003-06:00

After awhile of the Four being gone, I saw them now and then in dreams, only at a distance and briefly. I barely remembered the fragments, but did remember that they were so young. Like small children, even though they looked the same. And then older children, and then teens, and then the next time I saw them they seemed normally matured. I wondered what that meant.

I was standing on the edge of my plateau one day, looking a bit blankly off into the distance from up high. I felt alone. I had only seen the Four distantly and barely, in dreams, aside from that first meditation with IG. I knew they were back, or reborn, or whatever, but that brain-knowing didn't make up for the heart-lonely of not having them interact with me.

After awhile, it occurred to me that maybe if I wanted them back in my life I could do something to welcome them. Make a place for them inside me manually, so to speak. I focused on the edge of the cliff some distance away, and hollowed much of the cliff out around one square area on the edge, making it a stand-alone piece of high stone, separated from all around it, so you had to fly to reach it.

I built a small 4-sided square white pavilion on the top, using as materials for some of the building silver and gold, lapis lazuli and jasper. There was a big, tall and wide doorway in the middle of each of the four sides of the small building, and a high ceiling, so lots of air ran through it. When it was done, I flew in and stood on the floor in the middle and looked out the front doorway. It seemed as if I was looking over a blue sea and a blue sky, even though I was over a desert terrain on a grey day until I went through the door.

I said a small prayer: I love you, how I miss you, please come home to me. But after awhile, they were not there with me, and a little sadly, I decided maybe that wasn't going to work. I went back to the plateau and did something else.

I forgot about it. It was rather distant from where I sit and interact on the plateau, and I didn't go over there. For the next many days, I meditated on simple things, body things, chakras, and sometimes just stopping in to see Brin and Stet, my outer guides, to bore them with what I'd like out of my daily life.

Journal Fragment, Dec-Jan 2005/6

A man, who had another man with or within him, brought me a dark haired woman. {The Four.} He told me her story; it sounded like her life had been so restricted, often in personal and emotional ways. The man had a long rectangle cubic shape, that had four panels around the sides, each of golden light. This had some key importance.

He gave us one panel and said we should go into the world and find a place to settle and develop. We traveled until we found a valley that looked just like the shape he had, so we knew it was 'our land'. We planned to live on opposite sides, and cultivate the space between us, but to begin we'd start together as there was only one small house at one end.

We went into town the next day, a tiny rural area, into a small store. Locals were asking questions, and the woman kept saying things that were true, but that I knew the people did not want to know. I wanted her to stop before they ran us out of town or burned us at the stake or something. She didn't seem to understand she could not just be honest and open with everybody. They were reacting badly, looking furtively at each other. We went back home that night, and I noticed the prices they had charged us after not liking her were insanely high; we couldn't afford to live there for long.

We were shocked to discover our house had bugs. Two specific kinds: a dark, fat-bodied bug like a gigantic black tick, about 1/2 to 2" big. The other a medium-light colored, roach-like body, the same size. Any food that fell anywhere for even a split second the bugs instantly went to and ate. I realized with there would be no way to keep them not only from making our house disgusting, but they'd surely eat our crops, too! [Earlier in the night before the dream, I had considered how we "pay" attention, and how attention is constantly ours and being played out, and it's only a matter of whether we bother to "pay attention to what we are paying attention to," so to speak. I had imagined telling Ry that "attention is like energy or food, and we have to be careful what we feed." I suspect this is involved in the dream symbology.]

Then the panel the woman had brought with us, morphed into a man with some relationship to her, it was the dark tall man and somehow he had the "rectangle" shape of the panel, the shape that the valley of our home was set in. He wore a red sweater that went down to mid-thigh and nothing else, and I understood he was part of our life and location. {Senior.} I worried that if the local people knew about him they would flip out.

This morning after being awake some time I decided to go back into the arch world. I went in and said hi to OG and went in to IG and asked if I should do any meds. He gave me Sun, and we had a fabulous time, and I felt very good.

As I was about to leave, IG asked if I'd consider doing another med before I went. He held out his hand and there was a small dark, complicated thing in his palm. I said, Oh my God. Tell me this is NOT a bug! He seemed to think that was funny and shrugged like, "Wellllllll since you don't want it to be...."

So I worked on the tiny dark complicated thing in his hand as an archetype. I cleaned, and lubricated, and sanded a bit, and so forth to make whatever-it-was that I couldn't really make out, the best it could be. And finally once I did everything I could think of for it, it sort of unfurled in a stretch and I realized it had opened up into a little tiny person except small enough to fit in his palm.

I thought that was kind of funny and I brought that arch over to the side and 'supersized him' so he would be a normal person-size for working with, and then I saw that it was black and a tall rectangle, and then I realized that it was the same man from my dream, which was when I realized that he really HAD begun a 'bug' -- I hadn't wanted to see that so I didn't, is all -- and that in my dream, the bug, the man, the panel, and the landscape, were all the same thing somehow, that was all the same "symbolic energy".

I have often thought of dreams as symbolism but I had never really thought of "most the major elements of a dream," which are completely different, all being the SAME energy manifesting in different forms. This is when it 'hit me' that many times over the years, when I dream of the Four, we've had the "black/white and male/female" symbology, and the senior is often a black or red man, sometimes not just black skinned like people in our world but literally BLACK like a chess piece. I realized that the energy of the dream was "him". He was almost everything -- the landscape, the bug, you name it. It was like a dream composed of him, not entirely but mostly. This brought a further understanding, as if to clarify: the ignorant, hostile townspeople were the same energy as the small groups of locals who had crucified each of my Four, earlier. And the woman of course was the Queen.

Journal Fragment, January 11, 2006

Today is my 11th day of consecutive meditation. You know you have an issue with consistency when you count stuff in days like it's a newborn. I sat down on my bed with my Narnia music. Here is the approach I'm using right now:

I look for a pattern in myself, I look for "what I am avoiding." And then I send myself toward that. If I find I am veering off and avoiding it, then I *know* I need to meditate on that, or in that way, or whatever, so that's what I do.

Tonight I couldn't get to the high desert plateau that is my home space, which takes what, 1/10 a second? I finally realized I was in denial of meditating. I know my psychology is starting to react to the internal changes, but I'm determined to stay on course. I bring myself back to center and with grim resolve I forcibly roll out my space around me.

But I'm lost. There's some kind of foliage in my face and all around me. I can't figure out where the heck I am -- I mean, I went to the precise spot I always do, but this is NOT my chair on my plateau. I'm in the chair but I'm stuck in bushes! I can't see well and I am really confused and disconcerted. I yelp for Brin and Stet and as they show up, I am flying up into the air so I can look down on wherever I am, and I'm wailing, "Where AM I?" and one of them says, "In the garden."

The garden? What garden?! I realize I am looking down on this huge, maybe 1/4 mile long by 1/8 mile wide, rectangle 'garden'. There are brick walls maybe 12' high around the edges and then everything back from that on my side is like forest. In the huge long center is a shallow pool that goes from one end (where I am) to the other, but has a pattern in it that twists in a way sort of like macrame, or a 2D version of a joined doublehelix. There is a lovely colorful stone-ceramic walkway straight through it. {I just realized that the garden is the 'shape' of the Senior.} At the other far end, to my right, is a big, beautiful castle of some kind.

I look at my guides. "I don't HAVE a garden or castle in my inner space!" I tell them in exasperated confusion, but I know they know. "How the heck did this GET here? Isn't it MY sacred space? How could anything happen here without MY doing it? I mean yes I have given lots of general energy for my inner world, but this is a little invasive don'tcha think?! Ye gods, it's huge!!!" They just look at me and say nothing.

So I fly over the garden until I get to the castle, and I land on a big balcony porch at its side. The visuals are really great, really intense and clear and complex. Not as good as the 'eye' meditation, but that one borders on a religious experience so I shouldn't compare to it. Still they were really nice. I go into the castle and it's big and light colored inside, seems more modern than ancient. I run through rooms looking for someone, anyone. I find all kinds of lovely rooms of stuff, but no people. I finally go into one room and it's really big -- and my two eldest elementals of soul are there. {Senior and Queen.} They are sitting on thrones like they're holding court. There's lots of people all over.

I try to sneak around the back of the room behind all the people so nobody will see me. While I'm doing this though, my left brain is arguing, Wait a minute. This is all 'me', right. So how could I fool 'me'? Shouldn't I just sort of tell them not to see me? It's my world, right? But the Two look right at me quickly, and the whole room turns and silences. I stop in place, a little embarrassed that everybody's now staring at me, and I fly up to where they are and say quietly to them, "I'm -- well I'm, you know, I'm really really glad to see you. But why are you here? I mean like... HERE?"

They indicate this is where they live, and they're having a party. Now that I'm up where they are I can see a second lower level right behind where I'd been standing and it's filled with people, and they're waltzing, and there are musicians in clumps all over, and there are tables with food and drink and a whole wall of columns that open in front to an azure sky and a big balcony like the one I came in through on the side. That part nearly started reaching toward the complexity and vivid level of the eye meditation. Mindblowing! I was just mind-boggled for a minute, staring at it, realer-than-real. (Who needs drugs??)

Then I turned back to them and said, "Well, ok." But I felt disconcerted. Me in the bushes and this gigantic castle where I didn't put it. I'd never argue with them, they're my soul, but I hadn't thought of my sacred space being for anybody but ME.

They said something to me like, "What would you like?" I don't know what I was going to say, but this is one of the occasions when I realize that as 4th of 4, my surface personality here is really only 'part' of it; it's a deeper/larger identity, the 4th. I found myself just blurting out, Please help me find him. I meant my mate, the 3rd of 4. I'm so lonely. Please, I miss him so much. I love having you but I need him too. They nodded graciously at me. The whole environment was so archetypally royal.

Then I realized that I had still not gotten to the meditation I came in to my plateau to do, because I was so wonderfully distracted by this amazing castle. It's ok to explore new things, to interact and so on, but you can't let it keep you from your plans, or you just invite every energy that doesn't want something done to throw itself in your path like fascinating mental confetti... I learned that long ago. I do have to get to the work eventually.

So I nodded goodbye to them, and I ran out the rooms and down stairs and out the front this time, to find the castle was overlooking a lovely blue ocean. (Cair Paravel! - this is what I get for listening to Narnia music!) I flew up and back over the 'garden' and landed by my chair in the bushes.

My outer guides were still there, by the chair. "Where," I demand of them, recalling how they said nothing useful at all last time we talked, "IS MY PLATEAU?!"

They both point to their right, which is my left, past the end of the garden. I fly up and bring them with me and as I look, one of them is telling me, "Well it grew, and it was pretty huge, so it sort of pushed out the land. Everything is like normal, just moved over to fit in the castle landscape." I looked at it all for a bit, and put my chair where it belonged, and went down and sat in it.

Grumpily. I know I should be thrilled, and now I feel mostly better, but at the time I was just... well you know. I guess I don't like surprises. I am such a control freak. But it's MY inner world, shouldn't I have the right to be?

And then I suddenly understand: It GREW! I built a place for them in my sacred space, and they showed up for it!! They made it into some big and glorious and powerful, so much more than the simple thing I had begun with. I just sat there as if my astral mouth were hanging open in astonishment or something. I had totally forgotten about the pavilion. I had been barely peripherally aware of it the previous days.

It was so amazing to me that without my assistance, and when I had consciously forgotten, apparently the energy of my mind, or from somewhere, built this entire VERY complex thoughtform while I wasn't even looking. That just astounded me. I know, I used to do these meditations enough that I should know the autonomy the entire world and its inhabitants begin to take on after awhile if you're consistent -- but I had forgotten.

So they came when I called. Wow!!

They are alive. They came to me and 'grew' organically into a garden and castle in the middle of my stone plateau. That's so amazing.

Later, Brin brought me Dor. I told him, I didn't realize an Outer Guide could function like an Inner Guide. He said everything is relationships and all guides can and often do work with each other as well as with me.

Journal Fragment, January 12, 2006

I dreamed I was a young woman living in another reality/time, but I was aware it's in the area I call {in this world} Hawaii. It was wild, like jungle.

I was lying on my back in the earliest morning, on a mat on the ground like a woven mat, and it felt like this huge flat-thick-rectangular blob of crazy "energy" lowered onto/into me, and it just completely blew me away as an amazing "religious experience". I felt so changed.

Later, I was telling people about it, and they all felt that I had experienced something they had a name for, but I can't remember the word. (It seemed when I woke up, it was something culturally-akin to 'the holy spirit'.) I was saying to my friends and family, you know, I always thought that would be like an internal spiritual thing, but I'm here to tell you that was as physical as it gets! -- it had felt like {what I would now call} technology to me.

There was much reaction from my people about how I was 'touched by the gods,' and people started treating me differently. I started wearing some kind of headdress, a short cloth-like thing on my head that had a little band around it that held it on, it was light colored and shaded my face a little.

In a separate dream after that, it was a bad dream, I wonder if it relates to the Four dying. I found this lovely blue little bird and I put it safely into a cage. Then I came in a room JUST as one of my cats was ripping it to pieces. I was freaking out trying to save it, and one of its legs was missing... then sudden next scene, I came into a room just in time to see one of my cats limp in, torn up all over and bloody... then sudden next scene, I came into a room just in time to see this big dog, the sort I would love, it was sliced all over like someone had attacked it with a knife... ugh. Yucky feelings. There was more but I don't remember.

Journal Fragment, January 22, 2006

I was sleeping, while both watching and being a woman who was keeping watch on a bridge. It was a high, long, big metal suspension type bridge, subject to wind, reminding me of a bridge I used to drive in Washington state.

There was this big, terrible giant hole in the bridge. At first, it seemed fine except that. But I got a side view of the bridge, and we saw that it had other problems: many "patches", some coming loose or not fitted well, in various places through the length of it. Any car that drove to this hole unaware, the results would be terrible. It was such a horrible hole, and such a long way down.

She paced in front of the 'wound' on the bridge, is how it actually felt, sometimes going up high to sleep, but not really being able to, worrying about, what IF. What if some cars come? I was having a hard time sleeping well, I realized, understanding that I was dreaming near the surface uncomfortably because she was having a hard time sleeping at all, and we were one, on some level, and she was so nervous about something that involved us both, that it was bothering me too.

I'm going to use that bridge as a symbol in an archmed.

*

{I did, later. It went well, and the 3rd came with a team of soldier-workmen and he managed most of the work getting done.}

So I understand now that the colors of the Senior (who is King) are black and red, and his shape is a long rectangle. This actually makes sense to me which only proves I must be crazy. I understand now why he tells me to come to the Tower; probably I need to regularly 'pay attention' to keep that thoughtform strong.

I understand now that a single energy can take the form of many different things in the same dream -- or reality. Things 'relate' to each other if you know what to look for, things of the same energy, like his colors and shape. Oh hey that reminds me of 777 and the QBL "correspondences," I wonder if this is what that relates to?

Wounds and broken things are the same thing in different models. I didn't realize that.

PJ

The Crucifixion of the Trinity

2009-12-13T13:42:00.010-06:00

In Autumn of 2005, in September, the month I turned 40, the other three elements of my soul died.

It was a strange thing, I think now. It had been in mid 1994 that my 'illusion' of soul and self had been ripped from me, in the Nothingness experience that I'd had to 'sacrifice myself' to. I had nearly committed suicide after that, a biological empty shell, a walking corpse without the god-light inside me. After a few months, the divine inside me I called The Blue Eyes of Soul saved me, brought me to understand I could never truly be separate from anything, and I sobbed my way into almost being normal again that night. Although in reality it took literally years before I was truly enough past that to not feel like it was still haunting me.

I would not have thought there was anything else that could affect me on that level, that inexplicable deep inner self the size of a universe, but apparently there was.

*

I don't know if these other two things are related, but they were going on with me before the experience occurred so I feel like I should mention them.

First, I began to dream that I had died in my sleep. (This was not at all impossible, health-wise.) I would realize I was in some landscape of the newly-dead, surrounded by people who mostly didn't realize it yet, but were gradually getting a clue. I would realize I was dead, and would wonder what I needed to do to get back to life while I still could, would follow the intuition, find some form of barrier, would try to get through, and something would step in to help remove me from that world and set me back in the living world and I'd wake up.

Second, I had a growing daily feeling of inner desperation. I was aware of it but kind of numb to it. I felt as if there was some window of spiritual opportunity and expectation, a time-based "probability" window, and the Four were leaning harder on me to get with it, get aware, work with them, but I wasn't doing it. I was exhausted and distracted in my daily life and couldn't seem to hold a focus for anything. I have often had that 'window with time limit' feeling mildly, but this was a whole new level of desperate emphasis on it. I started to feel like I was "blowing it" on some level, almost anger but not quite. I would often dream of the Four. They were getting frantic, I observed on awakening, but then I told myself they were surely just imagination anyway. That was another world. They begged me to "see". But I wouldn't.

Then one night I had a dream and for the first time ever I finally 'saw' the Senior clearly and interacted with him. I could feel some energy had shifted in me. I felt that had great meaning, that finally I had fully connected with him.

And then a few days later I had a long, linear, hyper-intense nightmare.
The kind that reaches through your guts and into your soul.
The kind that you're still traumatized about years later.

*

I had become separated from them (the other 3). I was looking for them. I could "feel" that my mate/twin was in trouble. I had to get to him.

I was in a big metro-style city. It was abandoned, empty shells of skyscrapers, an echoing 'feeling', a coldness. An unnatural quietness as I tried to follow my inner feelings to find him. The entire landscape had a couple feet deep of liquid on the ground, city-wide flooding, something that was not water at least mostly, a "weird" liquid with such a yucky vibe. Now and then as I ran around, searching, I would see rogue groups of people running from one place to another, crazy little groups sticking together and acting like a mob, but otherwise the whole city was deserted.

I finally found him. He was at the front of a radical small mob of city dwellers, and they were killing him, literally crucifying him on a pole set above them, murdering him for some reason I was not clear on except that they found him different than themselves. Frantic and panicked and not knowing how to save him, desperate but helpless, I ran to him and looked into his eyes. He looked at me with such profound love I felt like my heart was going to explode.

I knew this was coming, he told me. I am letting it happen. I am taking this for you . . . I love you. And then some extra rush of violent enthusiasm took the crowd and they finished his murder. I FELT him die inside me, a sudden yawning emptiness where that integral part of me had always lived. I screamed and tried to fling myself upon him but the crowd held me back, oblivious to me for some reason. I was overcome by the horror of it, in stunned disbelief despite the feeling inside and the scene before my eyes, and I suddenly couldn't even breathe in the grief of it.

But then I thought of the Queen. I had to find her. And I ran from his body, feeling her nearby, and I saw a mob of people. The word "rabble" came to my mind, and I knew this had to be where she was. I ran into the crowd and fought my way through it, only to finally see her tied to something up high on display, bloody and broken as the mob shouted in their ignorant insanity and determination to kill her. It felt as if this was intentional on some level, it was in fact her very holiness, her light, that set her apart. And as I finally got near to her body, she felt me trying to get to her, and she lifted her head and looked into my eyes, and I knew she loved me so profoundly, but her eyes told me: this is the way it has to be. Then she slumped in place and I felt her leave me inside, a sudden emptiness where I had never suspected such a terrible thing could be, and I was standing there in profound shock, all the screaming in me too deep to vocalize, when I thought of the Senior.

Oh my god. Literally. My Senior, the holiest part of our soul, I had to find him. I ran, feeling in my gut a sense of direction, and had a terrible sinking feeling as I followed the rabble shouting of a small group, and I knew with that pit-of-stomach feeling that he would be literally in a crucifixion scenario with them also. I managed to finally fight my way to him, so filled with horror and grief at that point I couldn't even speak or cry as I just stood there by him. And he looked into me, and he knew me as a primal part of himself, and he had such love for me it was infinite and eternal, and then he just... allowed them to kill him. I stood there still, limp, as I felt his part of my soul stripped away from me.

At some point, I finally looked around, and realized all the people were now gone. The city was well and truly a forlorn past relic now, like some post-armageddon empty desolation, the weird gross fluid still all over the ground, and I knew I was utterly alone in the universe.

And my body woke up. But I knew it was 'real'. My mind hadn't really been asleep, only my body. I felt as if some part of me were just crawling out of the dreamspace like even my dream body was nearly destroyed from the grief of it.

In forlorn need, as if only shreds of me were left to struggle toward even this, I went to see Inner Guide and my Outer Guides, to share with them my unspeakable grief. I opened up my plateau area, normally at that time filled with all kinds of identities and IG, to find only emptiness.

I stopped, looking around me half-numbly as it dawned on me. A cold wind blew over the dusty rock of the plateau in a deep silence, as if to emphasize there was not a single piece of soul there. I realized they were gone totally, they had left me too. They had abandoned me, I felt. I "slammed shut" the doorway to that world and ran away.

I didn't meditate at all for three months. I couldn't even let myself think about it. It brought such deep upset I just stuffed it down inside me.

*

I bawled my head off writing the above! -- and it's been over four years since then.

It has taken me days to force myself to get to this account. I knew from the start THIS is the thing I needed to review, and the reason for the inner push to collect old stuff. I've kept putting it off, then starting and 'getting distracted' or doing something else within a sentence or two.

I had to stop typing at the end of each of the three paragraphs about their deaths and just cry with deep racking sobs for awhile. It's crazy how deeply this affects me, even now, even though they finally were returned to me so I am no longer without them.

*

Now, that is clearly tied to a dream experience I had when I was almost age 16, though I don't get the sync. It was so impactive it haunted me for years, though nothing at all like the above. In the dream, I was in a suite at the basement level of a many-storied building like a hotel, with my best friend of the time, Anna. There was an elevator that opened up into the room we were in, and suddenly I could hear that the car many stories above was plunging freefall down toward us and was going to crash at the bottom. I whirled around and tackled Anna behind a sofa to protect us, as that whole area erupted with noise and violence as the elevator cart slammed into the ground at our level, and part of the building in that area flew like an explosion.

After a minute, I got up and picked my way through the rubble to the doorway of the elevator. A strange, horrible fluid was all over the ground inside it several inches deep, and the smell of it was so primal-gross, like it was something biological, the fluid from burned flesh or something that my body recognized with ultimate-horror. Lying on the floor dead were three people. They all looked similar, white-blonde hair and very blue eyes. Two were older than me but the same age as each other, and a younger brother was my age. I remembered that I had known them well and loved them, and I had something extra akin to a special crush with the younger one who was 'for me'. I looked down at their bodies, oddly unmarked, and at the weird fluid, and I felt something I had no words for but that completely overcame me.

I woke up and bawled my head off for a long time. I told my best friends about the dream many times, often crying in the middle of it. I remembered it and felt it all profoundly for years.

Although it seems clear to me that these two dreams are related, I don't really know what they mean. I didn't get the connection between these two dreams until it occurred to me just a couple months ago I might add.

*

Three months later, on the 29th of December 2005, I had the spontaneous idea that I needed to do an archetype meditation on the crucifixion. I sat down to do this, but the 15-20 second period of time it took for me to visualize going from the plateau to an inner-world where IG did that stuff with me, I got lost in it, my mind in obvious avoidance. Over and over and over and over. Three hours later, having gotten nowhere near IG, I got up, went to the bathroom, and came back to try again but just fell asleep. The next morning I started again with the same result. A little over two hours later I gave up and went on with my life. Later, that night, I sat down to try again, determined that the third time's a charm and I would MAKE it work.

I opened up my 'outer guide' area. The whole landscape seemed flimsy and transparent, as if my total absence hadn't fed the thoughtform to keep it existing, and I spent a minute pouring energy and attention into it. As I did so, I perceived Brin to be there near me on the plateau, waiting for me. Brin was an outer guide and the only guide I have ever seen and heard with astounding clarity, though he was only 'sensed' at that moment. I told him about my sudden idea to do that meditation on the crucifixion, and I started crying my head off as I told him how terrible it was, as more and more guides started 'appearing' all over the plateau, and I started ranting and yelling at all of them about how they had all ABANDONED me in my greatest time of need damn them, until I was finally just sobbing helplessly without words, although on the bright side my inner world had gotten a lot more clear during all of that.

Brin was being unusually close and affectionate, and grew clearer as I cried on him. He stayed very physically close to me, always touching me, which he had never done before. He was more tangible than anything or anyone else, and at one point when my crying finally dropped into hiccuping occasional sobs, he touched my forehead and looked at me from very close and he said, I am here, I am right beside you, I will stay with you, you are not alone. That made me start sobbing again, but eventually I got my act together and could finally continue on to IG.

I reached IG and began to tell him about wanting to meditate on that, but started crying again in the middle of my request. I had the sense from him that I had sublimated all the feelings all this time, which is why I had so much to deal with. He, like Brin, was unusually close to me, touching me gently in various places, which seemed so sweet and loving. When I calmed down, I pointed out that he was being so much more nice and gentle with me than he ever had been before. He said, You *need* that more than you ever have before.

Instead of a "symbolic" archetype of the Four, he brought me the Senior. Except it was part-him and part-archetype, I could feel that it was somehow plenty of both at the same time. But I couldn't work with him. I didn't know what to do. I felt like I had so much emotion still that just seeing him nearly paralyzed me with grief in memory. I felt stupid and lacking imagination about how to go about the meditation. I closed the visualization and got up and did something else.

I stayed up late that night, and at some ungodly hour the next morning I went back. I don't remember the details of what we did together, although it was working, and I had a sudden understanding of why I could not see him for so long before:

Because I was in denial of the primary energy in me that he represents. He is the king, the leader, the front man. Every cycle of image/interaction we did, at some point specifically addressed my role here in the world, my "destiny", and accepting what is mine, what is divine will, and going with it, allowing it to come through me, not fighting it so hard. Each of these experiences were amazing, powerful, emotional and body-rocking in many places. Eventually the Queen showed up in one of them and surprised me, but I hadn't yet seen my mate when I had to end the meditation.

The next two days, I went in to meditate, but there was no energy there. Like I had reached max saturation or something. I just 'existed' there for awhile and then left.

The third day, I went back, and took Brin my OG with me, in to see IG and continue the meditation. IG brought back the Senior, but I had a hard time connecting with him, and couldn't hold my attention on what I was supposed to be doing. Finally I said, "IG, why is this so much WORK?" IG said, "That's part of it, part of your relationship with them. Your effort to reach out and make the connection is a big part of what is needed." The effort to maintain my 'attention' was grueling. Finally I decided to ask the Senior to change from his normal form I perceive and instead appear in "whatever form would best show me the energy, issues, and allow m to understand and interact."

I felt him change, but I couldn't look. I kept turning away inside myself. I would try to look again and my body would turn me away immediately with an overwhelming dose of fear and revulsion. I took a deep breath, and took IG's hand on my left and Brin's hand on my right and forced myself with a huge effort to "allow" whatever the pattern would show me and to see.

It was so mundane visually, compared to the feelings! There was a small a portion of the ruins of a castle. There was grass and ivy that had grown between stones, breaking up some of the walls. I "understood" this represented my neglect of the relationship. I also understood the difference between this and the 'grey dust' that I normally see on archs I have ignored/repressed: THIS energy was alive on its own and was always growing. I would either pay attention to it, and have it grow in ways conducive to me, or its natural growth without my attention would become problematic and in some cases destabilizing internally.

There was a tower with a high window and no other way in. I floated up to the window and started to look inside, as massive hordes of black insects began pouring out, rather like in that movie 'the mummy', and I completely freaked out with the fear-revulsion thing again. It took several attempts to finally bring myself back to it and accept it and deal with it, deal with the revulsion-fear enough to even look at it clearly. I had to build physically a whole landscape to deal with this, that would 'capture' all of the bugs, however many there might be, and hold them for me to do whatever with them, and I coated myself firmly in clear energy-latex-armor so nothing could touch my body! Then I went forth and gathered up my will and imagined a vacuum effect and basically 'sucked out' bugs with it--discovering there was masses of these underneath the ground where I stood, and the tower opened up to a whole world underneath filled with this. It was just SO disgusting. By the time it was over, literally my entire landscape, for MILES around, was nothing but a sea of black squirming insects going about their lives, frankly without regard to me of course, but still disgusting me. They were all 'held' in the 'clear holding cells of life' that spanned the landscape, and I was standing next to the now-empty castle-fragment/tower-walls, with OG and IG, thinking ooooh, yuck!!

First things first. I looked at the tower and visualized making the stones whole and strong and new and clean, and I cleaned out all the grass and such in the way, and re-mortared the stones and so on, did landscaping and cleaning. When that was done, I vanished that part of the arch, leaving me only with the landscape of bugs, except at this point, the actual archetype was then "present" with me finally--I couldn't see him, but could sense his "awareness" was a big part of me and we could communicate now, me and him and OG and IG.

I said with some exasperation and humor, "OK let me guess. If I just KILL all these bugs, this would be a 'bad' thing, right?" He said "It is your choice. However, the energy is yours. You can kill the form it is in, and then you are stuck with the dead remains; what then? If you get rid of a part of you, do you benefit from that?" I had the sense that he thought this would be as reasonable as cutting off a finger because it hurt, rather than doing something to just fix whatever was hurting it. I said "Well you know, this is pretty gross, and all these billions of bugs, they are just... they are not OF ME, I mean they're not my species you know, and so they just scare me and gross me out."

Then my understanding got... improved. I understood: "I cannot lead them unless I am one of them." I had flashbacks to my work in the past like with psi, and feeling I had to do it "the hard way" and "as one of the people" in order to best someday lead the way into something more constructive. I had flashes to my 'destiny' in music that I fought so hard when young, and then had realized only after I had truly let go of that path that the destiny drive had been real, and not just my ego. And then I got "grafted on" the connection between this, and dynamics in my outer world. (I suspected the thoughtform-entity Dor was helping here.) The bugs represented "the masses." I represented a sort of king or government, that "should" be caring about the welfare of the people and identifying with them, and instead was treating them like "the-other," as peons. I was refusing to accept the proper role of the king, the senior's energy inside me.

I then understood that there was a great power possible here, and that all this consciousness, in such tiny billions of identity-pieces, was technically mine to command, IF I could do it, IF I had the strength, courage, discipline, and WILL to make it happen.

I flashed on my mate/twin when he had claimed his power by "demanding" it, his honor and strength and how that had been required when he "came into being" in the vision in 1993 that woke me up to them. I realized I was being a very weak manager, an inept government. These energies are MINE. It isn't an issue of option, they just ARE, whether I refuse to look or not. If I have not taken responsibility for them, and attempted to "bring them under the singular intent and direction of my guidance", then that is my own responsibility. The more I feared them, the less attention I paid to them, the more they bred and multiplied beneath my notice, the more they grew and the more energy to "disrupt" they had, and hence the more I feared them, in a spiral cycle.

The senior is strong and powerful, and his role inside me "taps into and opens me up to" energies that are "underneath the surface", energies I am avoiding--hence the archetype symbolism.

Then I realized that this is what I saw years ago and understood, in a different content: WE ARE LEGION, in the multitude of intent, in chaos: I AM in the singular. I realized it was my job to identify myself as part of and authority for the legion, and then "bring them with me into the singularity of my intent."

I was 'reminded' of a very powerful "christ" dream.

I was in a band and the person I'd arranged to be lead singer (so I didn't have to be) left. The rest of the band (and the people) wanted me to take the role, I was the songwriter and a good singer after all. But I didn't WANT to be frontman, I didn't WANT to be "the face," I had so many reasons for not wanting that, for wanting to hide behind other people, surround myself with a group of others, and besides, I wasn't beautiful and I was fat, so I was unqualified for the role. I was so frustrated because of a demand crisis on one side, and the people seeming to need that, yet knowing if I did it the agent sitting there would hire us and the studio would insist on my staying frontman, and I refused to go there.

As I stood there having this huge dilemma inside me, I felt that "the awareness of Christ came unto me" -- it felt just like that in those words even! -- and I understood that this was, in fact, my destiny. That it was what I wanted to do because it was God's will through me.

Then the scene changed, and I was a soldier, and we were in a desperate situation, there were no officers left, and I had been bringing the men together with my ideas and by setting an example, but then we got to a situation where I needed to take responsibility as leader, and formally BE that role. I didn't want to be for many many reasons, and besides I knew I was not really qualified... the situation was desperate but I resisted so hard, and then "the awareness of Christ came unto me" and I understood that was my destiny, that was simply my role. It was not taking a promotion as we think of leadership; rather, it was accepting a role of utter service. And then I was in another situation in a business meeting -- you get the idea.

I had maybe a thousand "dream scenarios" in a single night! Infinite "variations on a theme" and in every one, it was the same energy, my refusal to take that role, the hard dilemma of it demanding on me, and the christ-consciousness bringing me new understanding that this was MY ROLE no matter what my stubborn body-personality and its neuroses thought about the subject. When I woke up, it was like I not only had been given a message, but I'd been given a message a thousand times in a single night just to make SURE there was NO WAY I could even pretend that my conscious mind did not know and understand exactly what was being asked of me.

Magickians might say that my HGA was arranging for my True Will to become apparent. The whole 'christ realization' thing was amazing enough an experience, let alone amazing x1000. But, I am capable of ignoring even that. It was just a dream after all. I was probably just imagining it all. (Somewhere the Senior is whacking his head on a wall about me...)

I understood in the meditation that this is the same energy, the same issue. Leadership is a form of service and often the hardest. I had this "understanding" that the concept of birth royalty in our world is based on a spiritual truism: that people are born with roles to play in our world, and some are destined to lead; it is hard work and it can leave you martyrd even and often--but somebody's gotta do it.The reluctance of ethically- and spiritually-centered people from taking the roles our culture has caused us to associate instead with 'ego' has only allowed those leadership roles to be almost entirely filled by people who have contributed to the worst outcome of the people instead.

There must be an understanding of being OF the people, of it being an honor to serve. That is the only way a king can bring the 'we are legion' of chaos into the 'I AM' of his singular intent. That quality is necessary for true leadership and few in our world have it anymore.

I looked at the giant landscape of bugs, my disgust having dimmed a lot, my understanding greater now. My senior, the part of him that was joining my attention in some ghostly-inner fashion, filled me with this... KNOWING that I COULD do this, and it was MINE, the energy was mine, the authority was mine, and I was seized with this incredible feeling I can only call "divine authority."

I commanded in a loud voice that was also the energy of my whole-self, that the masses of insects for miles listen up, and I psychically pushed into their awareness through my gut (will) how they were part of me and I them, and I focused them on the fact that the senior "authority of attention" was mine, I was their leader, and I 'pulled' them together into my singular-intent, and I commanded that they, my people, join my intent. And this happened for a bit and grew in intensity of my attention until the situation sort of exploded in an "evolution and transformation" and then the miles of landscape of little tiny bugs, instead became a small forest filled with many creatures.

I understood that the "size/scope of identity" had massively increased into a whole new landscape. Think of it like millions of tiniest raindrops on your window that suddenly merge in places and turn into varying size much bigger blobs. The trees, bugs, animals, some of which were highly sentient, everything in the forest was also-me. I allowed it briefly, and then I again pulled them all together inside and insisted they evolve into a more singular-intent-identity. Here my memory runs into some problems, though it was clear at the time. I believe I pulled them eventually into the form of the senior-male that was the arch I was given. I asked the arch of him if we could merge; if we had succeeded in the meditation that far, and even if it might be too much for me. He said we could.

I grabbed IG and OG's hands again and imagined our merging. I certainly felt it body-wide, so the med clearly did some good. I had the sense that I was only getting a fraction of it though, and he suggested that it was too much at once, and that my body needs more water and more ability to 'process' the experience, and that the energy would unfold in me as I can take it. So it was done. IG said the others of the Four should be done a separate time.

*

I returned with Brin to the plateau and asked him what he thought. He said it was pretty interesting actually. Dor showed up, and 'showed me from the inside', as he often does, that all this inner stuff had a clear parallel to my life in other ways. There is the "many parts of me" that I get so frustrated about, because I want one thing (like to meditate, eat well, exercise, view, etc.) and it seems like there are all these parts of me that have other ideas and resist and so on. Dor showed me how this was exactly the same thing as the inner example, of seemingly separate identities wandering around that I don't control, but the 'identities' were 'aspects of me' and that this problem in my life represents a lack of my taking the 'divine authority of singular intent' -- in other words, the discipline of self-leadership commanding the many parts of self into following the conscious will. I understood that until I truly accept this energy as part of me, I will have some difficulties perceiving the Senior, except on rare occasion when HE makes a big effort to enable it. I also understood that commanding the elements of myself would be a problem until I accepted that energy as well.

Then Dor showed me something else. I had forgotten that there was a moment in the archmed where the arch showed me 'under the surface', the 'waste disposal systems' (like under-street gutters) of my body. He showed me how they were kinda yucky and not fluid enough. I'd been living on soft drinks and no water really for weeks. Dor showed me how I've overlooked a fairly major point about body systems and metaphysics: the body is an incredible powerhouse in this reality; it's like a major nuclear power plant focused in this dimension, a true "dense mass of energy" vibrating here, and our "intent" and state of mind essentially "broadcasts" through this power-plant (body) into this dimension, so to speak. The more our body is weak or clogged and sluggish, the less power we have; the more it is ill, un-limber, un-fluid, the more the light of our intent is 'distorted'.

I understood that my ability to manifest things physically in my life, although metaphysically "belief systems" are the basic of it, that we "live in the body of our beliefs" as Seth says, and the body is the manner in which this is carried out in our reality, and I cannot separate body-issues from spiritual-issues because of this; nothing is "just physical". It all tied in together. The Senior's energy. My issues in my daily life. Everything.

*

We were talking about something later when Brin laughed and said, "WE are the same thing as all this other stuff!" I didn't get it at first. Then I realized he meant, my guides, THEY are just like the aspects of me, the forest animals, the bugs -- they are "energy-identities which, as part of my realm, can be and should be directed by my conscious intent."

I had a many-layered understanding, begun by the memory of how I had always wanted my baby to feel 'free' and not bound up, but later learned that babies WANT to be bundled up tight, it makes them feel safe like the womb; and I observed a few ways in which in government people need a strong leader, and how in business employees need a strong CEO, and several other allegories. I remembered how my guides always said they want me to ASK for what I want. Although I can leave it 'open-ended' they often have implied that if I want specific help I need to ask for something specific ( e.g., help with exercise, or whatever), and that the more specific I am in what I am asking for help with the more effective they can be.

All the understanding came together and I realized what he was conveying: on 'some level', my guides want me to "lead with my intent." Because they are part of me -- they may have their own separate identities or worlds, sure, but as far as OUR relationship goes, just as mates appreciate some of the feel of 'ownership' by the other and 'children need clear boundaries' and babies need firm wrapping and employees and citizens need strong leadership and everything needs solid interaction -- if I wanted my guides to really be effective with me at the max level, that I would not be wimpy and gentle and 'equal' with them as far as the 'if you want' attitude. I would accept my role as "the leading INTENT" in our relationship, and I would TELL THEM what I want.

I can ask, I can tell, it doesn't matter, they are not neurotic socially. What they want is a specific request, is my attention, is essentially my leadership to both allow them, and provide the opportunity for them, to show me what they can do for me.

*

A very short time later, I went to see a movie, "Narnia". I grew up with those books. I'd even felt the lion inside me was an analogy to Aslan. It occurred to me how interesting it was, as I watched, that it actually had the same mythology as me: Four royalty, two elder and two younger of each gender, each with an archetype role, the Lion as their spiritual touchstone etc. But while from the books as a kid I mostly remembered Lucy, the youngest, the movie had a different focus: Peter, the eldest who is to be King. It is his destiny to claim his power, to take leadership. He is refusing it, he doesn't feel qualified. Other people are literally dying for him as THEY know his role, but he won't wrap around it.

On the screen, this shining golden castle high near the edge of the sea appears in the distance and I 'breathed' -- like a little kid -- "Cair Paravel!" -- WOW. It sounds stupid but it's like literally, exactly as I always imagined it in my head, in the movie it was just like that. It was like someone took something inside me and put it in a movie, in some ways. It had a really powerful emotional effect on me. I hadn't thought about how powerful it is when something very deep with you throughout your young life suddenly comes up again, and even manifests in great detail in front of your eyes.

Then there is a scene where the golden lion gets crucified! Why didn't I think of this being in the movie as it's a core in the book I don't know, but it felt astounding and cosmic that stuff on the inside of me was totally playing out on the outside of me. It felt like someone reached in and grabbed my guts. The entire movie was like living out the issues I've been meditating on for days. I was so moved that I couldn't even get up at the end. I just sat there, trying to compose myself, with tears running down my face. As it turns out, they used over a thousand people in many countries so the credits literally take 15 minutes to roll.

After a minute of it I realized I liked the song playing. Silly on the surface but it was so reach-in-and-grab-your-guts given I was really wrapped up in some mix of archetype meditation, dream, movie, stuff from childhood, stuff from present, all at once: I am a magnet / For all kinds of deeper wonderment / I am a wunderkind / And I live the envelope / Pushed far enough to believe that / I am a princess / On the way to my throne / Destined to serve / Destined to roam... It felt like my inner self talking to me from the outside at the time.

I stopped at the store on the way home ... and while L&R were inside I did a quick meditation. I started telling IG all about it (the movie) and then realized he knew all about it, and I started in about how amazing that it seemed like the world around outside me was talking to the world inside me, and he laughed in a good way and said, it is always this way, you KNOW that what you experience outside you IS inside you and when you pay attention you notice it more! I ended up just hugging him really happily and finally wrapped it up.

*

I learned a lot, but still had (and still have) no clear understanding of WHY the others had to die.

PJ

IG's Gift of the Sidhe

2009-12-12T04:00:00.005-06:00

I could hear-via-sense IG's voice chanting foreign language over me during this. I had forgotten this experience entirely. Even now, nearly four years later, I can almost sense it. Like it must have made a real impression on me. I wonder if this is based on some kind of "genetic memory."

Journal Fragment, January 10, 2006

Today I had truly mindblowing frolics in my body, and just as I was leaving my inner space later on, as a surprise my IG (inner guide) went digging for something to give me.

He does all kinds of things, ranging from simple stuff (clothes, jewelry, chainmail once, put on or in me that I 'absorb') to really weird energy lines etc., but tonight he was searching through boxes and such.

I laughed and said, Wait a minute. You're in my head. You're all mental. How can you need to search through anything to find something?!

"It's a bit like searching memory, but more complex," he says.

He finally finds some little box, the size/shape you might buy executive pens in, and he opens it repeatedly, and each time there is something different in it. I grok there is some magic number and when he opens it that count, there is a small necklace in there.

It's an oval of gold. I thought it was a locket at first, but it looked really old, and more like just an oval of hammered gold with some inscription. Instead of putting it on me he made me kneel all formally.

And as I kneel, he puts it around my neck, chanting some official ritual chant in some strange language that I innately understood (somehow) was a form of ancient Gaelic.

When he's done, I say, I know a guy emailing me recently had some Gaelic words in his note, and that must be sparking this energy. But how could I actually "sort of hear" the language from you, when I only see his words on the screen? And what is the odd feeling I have inside me as you say it? And why would his email spark something this major?

IG says, "Just seeing the Gaelic words, even in English letters, holds an energy of its own. You know the warnings about the Enochian letters also. And, how you have covered up books you didn't want the energy of in your room while you slept." (Yes and I was embarrassed at how silly it is, but intuitively sometimes I have.)

I kind of grinned, thinking of "Gaelic energy by osmosis via email!" which seems like a helluva tenuously-magical (or magically-tenuous?) relationship to me.

I felt the effect of his incantation of sorts going through my body still, though. Very odd. I said, "What is this? This is different than how we normally do this."

He tells me (to simplify into end result here, as I don't recall the exact way it came across), that the necklace is "something I've a right to." That it is one my genetics recognize, but I'm getting it only because my genetics 'support' this, not 'because' of them.

I roll my eyes in some disbelief even while closed; I'm a genetic mutt. He says "Really, it's true; the irish, english, scot, and some other things in you carry energy of that type, and combined it may be more than you think."

He added, and I felt this was what made it possible to 'get', while it was my genetics he was saying made it possible for me to 'hold the word' once he'd gotten it for me: One specific woman in your body's past was given this necklace as a recognition and as a blessing.

I realized he meant blessed by some magical people or person. I looked down at it. By today's standards it was fairly small and dull to be honest, though it felt heavy on me.

I say, I feel this going into me, but instead of gradually merging into me until it's gone, like your stuff normally does, I feel as if the tiny symbols on it are somehow breeding and multiplying all throughout my body, like some creative pattern replication, somehow geometric and mathematical, as well as -- well the word "Lyrical" comes to mind.

He indicated that was ok, though different than normal. I was thinking of 'ancient Gaelic' and the bright people of myth, and I said, Do you think the Sidhe or whatever magical entity, would mind some ignorant American wearing a necklace they had blessed in antiquity?

He shrugged and said, "Should you encounter any of them, they will know you by this, any of their number will recognize it. It is more likely to do you good than harm in that respect."

The complexity of how any invisible magical entity would recognize an invisible magical necklace on someone who was never given it but acquired it via genetic-access from a psychic inner construct was so much demand on my suspension of disbelief that it actually started to hurt my brain, so I decided to move on, and I just thanked him and left.

PJ

On Chakras; and Cleansing

2009-12-12T03:00:00.001-06:00

This is a few small cleaning center meditation notes from various years, and a cool meditation on chakras that had some new insights for me.

Journal Fragment, July 17, 2002

I SAW a guide! I mean I really SAW him with absolute real-world clarity, amazing!! (It was the asian guy but this was MUCH more clear than ever!) I asked him why I could see him so super-clearly?? and he said I was ready for him. (Then I was like, "I can hear you too! OMG!" hahaha!)

We went to the Cleaning Center for a "body cleansing" med and I worked on what the guide gave me, weird and gross as often. I was cleaning when I stopped and asked him, "Hey, can we somehow send this same cleaning effect to 'all else in the body of the same shape or circumstance?' Can you arrange that?" He said yes. He set up a second holotable, wired into the first one, and I took each piece of the big encrusted yucky blob over to do a cleaning, and strongly "willed" this to every point in the body similar.

Man. I felt like vomiting! I felt so exhausted suddenly. I did the next piece. Each was different. After about six of the major parts, I just had to stop. I feel ill and tired. It's ok, I think it's just a lot of toxins in my system all at once. I've got to drink major water from now on...

Journal Fragment, July 27, 2002

Cleaning Center med. Was to be a simple cleansing but ended up more like a full med on chakras.

1. They were presented to me as "intelligences of their own", as part of us. Like our liver has a sort of identity, so do chakras -- but pretty large ones actually.

2. They were shown to me be "dimensional doorways."

{So it's been THREE times this has now come up for me? And I keep forgetting?! --P}

I did the root/K chakra. Went 'inside'. Finally had a symbol of a complex ornate floor-door, heavy metal, it had four levers, 2 and 2 together, that had to be put down to release it, and then I pulled it open. {The spiritual technology of the Four. - P} It rushed up; it was a coil of course.

When doing the 2nd chakra, I had the insight: power (root/K) + love (heart) + will (solar plexus) give "manifestation", both pre-reality and creativity. {Might have read that wrong. I'm illiterate... - P} The symbol surprised me when released, a huge fire flared below and this was an analogy to a pot put on to boil the contents. {OH! I just got that just now! So it is "love over will" -- quite literally! -- and the K power basically heats them like a chemist's test tube and the three dynamics together create something of great power. --P}

I got to will (SPlexus, 3rd chakra) and had the 'insight' that often our cravings for food or color reflect our need to strengthen certain chakras that the color may relate to; or that or the food's contents may touch (stimulate, in any form) part of the body where that weakened chakra resides.

{This is an intriguing idea. Like scratching an itch, often something that is feeling pain, and even brings on more pain of a different kind or to temporarily redirect that energy [like scratching does in a nerves sense], is natural. So let's say you had problem X in your torso, and gluten or sugar actually did you harm there indirectly by causing inflammation or even subtle attack; you might crave those foods, because subconsciously your body is driving for 'stimulus in that place' -- just like scratching an itch. Just like some allergies can actually create a craving. This implies that the health of chakras affects the whole body including hormones which in turn affect appetite and addiction, but I guess I should already have known this, I just hadn't thought about it that plainly until now. -- P}

It took like hours for all that, so I ceased and instead did a cleanse/scan of body from hips down, figured I'd do top half with those chakras another time.

All went normally until my left leg. Ye gods! Energy symbol of hard iron spikes, like railroad nails, with one through my left thigh from the back, one through my left knee through the back, and then literally every single inch down the back of my left calf had a spike through it. It looked and felt horrible! My left ankle and foot had iron up to the ankle that had "grown into" the whole foot and ankle in a fractal, complex and insidious way. It took me awhile to get it out/off!

The outer guide I saw so well recently helped, he did much of the foot/ankle work. I had to visualize it getting out and he worked it and removed a piece or spike and then gave it to another guide next to him who projected it into thin liquid energy and put it deep underground in a strip well under my backyard for the earth to transmute.

(continued 8/2/02) finally got to finishing heart to crown of scan.

In the heart chakra I had a big denial problem. There were lots of these 'globules' of green-yellow pus. Yuck!! [That is the color of a kind of fear.]

In my breasts more globules but these were black. [Physical toxins are energetic too you know.]

Up both my arms from the base of my hands were many 'strings' of dark energy, they felt 'controlling', they went around up the arm and then wrapped around and around from armpit to shoulder, tightly like trying to immobilize it all. My crown had a dark solid 'cap' of energy just underneath the top of my skull that I had to clean out.

Journal Fragment, November 8, 2004

On the outer-guide (OG) plateau I anchor myself. I sense a thick "skullcap" of dark energy on me. I slowly rip it off. It was attached to some things IN me, strings and cords buried in my head. I command the strings to un-entwine.

When all off, a guide was suddenly there to take it, and he gave it to another, who buried it deep in the earth and he (first guide) had his hands over my chakra, healing.

{I had so forgotten that my OG's used to do a lot of energy work with me. Sheesh! - P}

Journal Fragment, 2006 sometime

Cleaning Center note: At the beginning of the year I was doing these meditations that were absolutely knock-yer-socks-off vivid, real, intense, etc. Really astounding. Anyway in one of the least of them, which was still great, I was tracking "dark spots" in my body, and I clearly felt that there was a small one in the spine in my neck, in the back. I put my hand back there on the back of my neck, just one finger, and imagined that the toxin was being freed from the spine/nerves and was being vented out the skin. I swear, I was thinking of "chakra" -- you know, just energy -- that's all.

But, I am not kidding: this was at night, and I woke up the next morning with a gigantic zit EXACTLY where my finger was, I mean exactly. I was so impressed. I shouldn't be, I mean, that's what biogram is all about but still it always amazes me when it's so clear it works!

PJ

RV Notes; notes with Dor

2009-12-12T02:30:00.001-06:00

A few misc. items relating to RV/psi, and a meditation (ok just sitting around) with the (late... the Four removed him from me/us) internal thoughtform Dor.

Journal Fragment, February 25, 1998

I heard one of my outer guides! I could never hear them before! OK so it's probably 'me' but I could never even hear myself-as-them before.

He said... "Go to the plane that is right at heart level." The one that I was using awhile ago to sense something... I forget what. I visualize it like a flat sheet of light that connects to the bottom of my chest, sorta.

He said... something like, "That is where the real RV data can be {found/acquired}."

I had been planning to do an archmed on RV in a little while but he answered my question I guess!

Journal Fragment, Date Unknown

RV Haiku

we seek evidence
for the coincidence of
our matching data

Journal Fragment, November 10, 2004

Last night while relaxing I had the feel that a man 'sat down inside me' like a ghost or psychic. I thought, well perhaps I'm imagining this.

But then I realized that I had completely quit breathing in response, and surely my body wouldn't spontaneously react so strongly if there was nothing to it.

Journal Fragment, May 17, 2005

I had this dream. This is like 'abstracted through 7 levels' to get to words, so it sounds like one trite thing on the surface, yet was something... so much fuller in the experience. A female identity 'inside me' {the Queen - P} was talking to me about remote viewing. She was 'showing/sharing' with me various things and was going over how, during viewing, one got into the feel of what someone present at a target was feeling/thinking/etc.

I wasn't clear on the share. She went into it and 'showed/shared' me, the situation, and said, how would you feel in that situation, how does this make you feel? And I 'felt' as my communication, my response. She shared, then that is what you would perceive as how the person at the target felt. I realized she meant that I would not really be perceiving the target, but rather how-it'd-be-if-I-were-in-the-target-situation.

I asked, are you saying that I must cease all feeling/response to things in order to clearly get what the target individual is experiencing? And she 'shared' no, it was that I needed to understand and know what my *own* feeling/response was, so that I could "recognize" that as my own, and so be able to set it aside from the more subtle energy (to me) of what someone else was feeling about it.

Journal Fragment, February 2006

A collection of 'insights' while I was just sitting around and Dor was visiting my attention.

Aspect RV can be done using Tarot symbols as Aspects. Even Oliphant could do that. Any way of dividing the world up can be used like this. (Never thought of that.)

The heavens are their own tarot, their own chess set. There is a reason they play so strongly in early man's lore. Iapetus, for example, if this is a cultural name for a heavenly body, this can also be used as a valid "Aspect" for anything Aspects are called on for. (Never thought of that either.)

Shakespeare's work is so enduring, because he unconsciously modeled existing archetypes, and people subconsciously recognize these, and these carry power.

(Humor: Dor thinks "The Astrology Diet" might sell. Reminds me of L's calendar idea "Cats Gone Wild" lol.)

The patterns of a universe show its meaning. Patterns in this case are apparent size, space, relationships, orbits and cycles.

Every molecule is like a mini-universe. The Galileo temperature gauge (fluid filled spheres floating in liquid) is an abstract analogy of this concept.

DNA is a form of technology in one framework. Our species is not using it except at incredibly rudimentary levels.

When I say 'Ry is my universe' it has analogy to something literal. We have our own cycles and relationship. We have a certain orbit. Those cycles if we tracked them would make it clear: Sometimes we are closer or farther away from each other. Sometimes one seems to 'block the sun' (occult into darkness) the other. Sometimes the proximity of a certain cyclical pattern point causes turbulence in one or both. What we call relationships are really orbits.

Planet X in history is like a lover that shakes up earth and then moves out of her life. This is a powerful archetype for humans to work with.

The Inorganics love TV. They encourage us toward it. We are psychic-emotional batteries with this. We are motionless, mostly expressionless, much energy generated inside us which we are not pulling through or utilizing and it has nowhere to go. As a result, we easily succumb to the lure of inorganics in dreams and daydreams where we expend that energy, just like a person expends money at a store. Because this energy does need dealing with in some fashion, it is very subtly rewarding for the human to release it as well. This can become a habit feeding cycle if allowed.

Wow. Thanks Dor.

(I hadn't realized that inorganics are behind a lot of the urge and fascination to fall into daydreams, especially those with emotions (esp those negative). Now that's something to think about, sheesh. I guess it makes sense. There is no difference in dreams and waking except our perspective. The dynamics don't change.)

PJ

God, Enochian and Oliphant

2009-12-12T02:00:00.001-06:00

This was a brief collection of pages from a period when I was reading about and performing something called Enochian Magick. Initially I was very impressed with how powerful this is, with how present the identities are psychically. I later had a real problem with it, because every time I would focus on this energy, entities I dislike (the Guardians of earth as property, the cat-eyed lizard guys) would show up and drag me OBE.

I also later griped about Enochian that there is no clear map to how the tablets/entities relate to US, like where humans are on there. And the 'call of the Aethyrs', translated, is like saying, bring on armageddon and open this world to the bad guys--gee, let's do some of that, NOT.

I feel it is a legitimate and very powerful magick, and it "includes" -- overlaps, you might say -- legitimate elements of our universe. What I mean is that some of what's involved, e.g. the 30 Aethyrs, are legit 'dimensions'. Enochian does not "own" the Aethyrs and their content any more than the Catholic church "owns" the Christ energy. It is simply the only model currently that mentions to us their existence.

But I feel that much of Enochian working is not in accordance with my Will; with whatever God I am loyal to and part of. Some is "neutral" -- dimensions and entities exist, without regard to my intent -- but some (like the Call, and like the Guardians) is definitely not. So I now no longer have any formal association with that Magick.

These snippets are from when I was being introduced to it and working it in formal ceremony with some other magickians that I liked very much (I miss them and hope they are doing well, whatever has become of them).

Journal Fragment, June 22, 1994

Have been reading intensely about Enochian magick. I talked to "Nalvage" (nawl-vaw'-gee), from the tablet, he is some sort of angel over angels I guess.

Journal Fragment, June 23, 1994

I seem to be having a spiritual identity crisis. Weeks ago, I felt alone, desolate, as if I no longer knew who God was and had lost contact. Well I don't feel like my contact is lost now. But I still feel uncertain of how to pray to an unknown God. What is in a name? Why must I know? I've no idea why it should matter. This God of mine has never been named before. Only now I feel as if... why should God listen, any more than any other entity, if I do not know his name?

Is he providing beings like Nemo to help?

{I have some vague recall of an entity named 'Nemo' coming and talking to me in the middle of the night, while I was staying at the house of an Enochian magickian, reading some very difficult to acquire books he had. I had recently heard the name 'Nemo', it is some entity in the Enochian Aethyrs or something ('Garden of Nemo' comes to mind, but that's all I remember, nothing about what it might be or be like). Now I wonder if that might have been my first encounter with Nero and I misconstrued the name to fit a recent name I'd heard of 'an entity'? No maybe not, since that first name IS an known entity.}

I did not really 'believe in' my ability to talk with entities then. So I talked to them regularly and then "forgot" all about it. I only have as recall a few rare accounts I actually wrote down somewhere.

Journal Fragment, June 23, 1994

The ritual {an IAO Enochian ritual} went well. They seemed very satisfied with the power in it. I was surprised by the strength of that I felt immediately.

But when we finished the ritual, the three of them were promptly outside smoking discussing the ritual like a football game. That was difficult for me, coming down for that. Rituals make me feel even more strongly in the presence of God. I wanted to kneel then, once the formalities were over; I wanted to pray, to meditate, to give glory to the God I felt inside me. I can't help but notice it. Their awareness of Grace seems a bit limited. Their devotion is not apparent from their actions. They Call as Magickians but they do not Pray as part of God. I don't understand that.

It is my constant craving for the divinity of me, for God, that I feel keeps me in line. This is my talisman; this is what ensures that no path is leading to darkness. I go seeking God and determined to find him. I fear nothing else. I have long considered my "good intentions" my lucky charm; surely God will guide me if it is his love I seek first and foremost.

When I think of "God" and making a promise and incarnating here for a reason, I am almost overwhelmed. O God, I love you so much. I crave you inside me and near me and surrounding me. I am so honored to be part of you. I would die for you and probably have in other lives. Anything. Nothing is enough for your glory; nothing is too much. I tremble in frustration at my inability to put my feelings in words for you. Whatever could be said about me, let it not ever be said that my faith, my heart, were untrue to the light. This plane is my assignment and I shall live it with honor. May I not forget that. Please. Please. Please.

Journal Fragment, date unknown

Last night, I sure wish I remember the dream that it related to, but it was about something in life really worrying me. At the end, when I woke up, an identity (seeming male) said to me very clearly, "Everything is going to be fine." And then, to show me "who" he was, this word flashes in gold letters and he carefully underlined it to draw my attention. The word was "Oliphant." I "felt" it in my gut, too, so I am sure I didn't mix up the letters.

I think I have heard this in something occult but I can't remember where, I have searched in google but darn it, so many people have that name it turns out (including some in occult literature) that the bazillion refs to people hide any possible ref there might be to something else. I had the clear sense, though, that this was both a name and a title, and that this was an archetypal role; like the way to think about it was nearly like a tarot role (e.g., the heirophant), this just wasn't in that deck.

Journal Fragment, date unknown

I once had an OBE with the cat-eyed lizard guys. They told me that it was time for me to make a commitment to them. I resisted. They assured me that __ was part of them, and surely I wanted to do anything he would? I didn't believe them. If that were true, why was he not there himself. I felt they were lying to me in the hopes it would sway me. I resisted.

They assured me they were telling the truth. They showed me a room of something akin to computer monitors, and how they could tune into the most secret rooms and places on the planet that we would never dream they could. They told me they first met him many years ago in a literally 'secret underground' room where he gave a briefing to a higher ranking military officer. I sensed this part was true, but that they were mixing it with lie to confuse me. I resisted. They encouraged.

And I found my courage, remembered who I was on some level, and planted my feet firmly and yelled to them, I AM OF MICHAEL! YOU CANNOT HAVE ME. I AM OF MICHAEL! and they were very pissed off.

Later when I told ___ of that, he said: "That is all they can do. They can fuck with your mind, or try. They can try to get you to believe. But that is ALL they can do. If you don't let them, they can't hurt you." And I realized that every time I have referred to the narrator (which he dryly says perhaps should be called "the dictator," certainly proving he's met the same 'aspect of self') or I refer to entities, or aliens, spiritual or other, he volunteers little if anything... but once in awhile when he does, its clear that he knows more about it than I might have expected.

Man, I don't like those guys. They WISH. Dream on, jerks. I am HIS. Never yours.

PJ

Changing of IG

2009-12-12T01:45:00.000-06:00

I had forgotten a lot of my previous work with previous Inner Guides. I had forgotten that they taught me things, talked to me now and then, and that "lessons" were often involved. This is important stuff, geez. Practical hands-on energy stuff.

I regret spacing this out. I see that in fact, I have spaced out many 'fluency' points, my works with IGs and OGs and more, that I had forgotten were even possible.

I understand now why I've been driven to collect old accounts. Not only have I seen a lot of new things via the 'connective' overview, but I've been reminded of a lot of options and opportunity.

I think this was the change from IG#2 to IG#3. (I am currently 12/12/09 on IG#4. The change from 3 to 4 is here.)

Journal Fragment (a later part of another med), January 11, 2006

I reminded myself to get to the med already. I went down into the arch area and when my guide went to get up, like to hug me or say hi, I saw that he was leaning on a silver cane with his left hand. My Inner Guide was injured?! I couldn't even imagine such a thing so I started thinking, what does this mean, why am I creating this? I go to him and I realize that this is different, but I feel it must be done: I have to work on him as if he is an archetype.

So I put him on an elevated table of light and I pass my hands over him and I feel that the problem is from just below his hip to just above his knee -- the entire left upper leg. I give myself xray-style vision so I can see 'into' the leg to see the injury, and I see the whole thing -- and it's (this is so funny) like clockworkings or something. It's like he is an android or something. I can see how gears are gummed and things like that.

Now I've had tech symbols in archs before, no big deal, but I still couldn't figure out why he was showing injury, let alone what it meant that this was metallic inside. So I do an ordinary visualization on him, and I clean everything et al. All seems well and better.

But something wasn't right. I stepped back from him, and looked at him. He was looking at me (I've gotten to 'see' him though it's still 'sensing', much better the last 11 days).

"What's wrong?" he says.

"Something isn't right," I say hesitantly. "Like I don't feel... it's not just like I don't feel a connection, as lack of practice or something I've a real problem with can cause that. It's more like... well ok, it's like, I did everything, and I finished it, and now I am looking at you and it, and I don't feel that "sense of rightness" in my gut. The one that tells me that it is ok, that I have done what needed doing."

He sits up, then stands up, and reaches for my hands and takes them, and as I look at him and he looks down at me I realize and understand: he is leaving me.

We just had this conversation not long ago about how he could NOT LEAVE ME without telling me. I said, "Oh no! Oh, no, why would you be leaving me? Why would I need to get a new guide now? Noooo! I've had you for so long! I love you!"

And he hugs me and I "grok" without words that it was a test. That seeing if I could differentiate between "just a visualization" vs. "a visualization based on a legitimate energy construct" was the point of it. His 'injury' and the inner leg he showed me, none of it was real, though it seemed no different to me on the surface than anything else. It was only the gut sense that made me feel it wasn't like other things I worked with.

I gave him a rather tearful goodbye, and he left.

I was standing there thinking, that is a lot of inner change for one day, having your inner landscape change drastically, and now my guide I've had for years has left me.

A new guide appears. I can't see him clearly, which is normal for me when just-meeting an inner guide, except this is different: most of them, I just can't see anything, just a vague sense of them. But him, I could see something pretty well, it's just that all I could see was a sort of white "energy envelope" around him, blocking him, rather than seeing him normally with features and so on.

I can't help but be a little distant from him. I know I will love him muchly, but right then all I could feel was that he wasn't the guide I had gotten so attached to.

I told him I'd like to do a meditation on an archetype that would do me the most good at this moment in time, whatever that was.

A gigantic, sort of inflated bird, maybe eagle-ish but not proportional (like a cartoon maybe), like 10 feet tall and nearly that wide, appears in front of me. I eye the bird, deciding not to auto-force it to size to suit me, feeling that the oversize was one of the things I needed to deal with as a process. I start the work of the first basics (cleaning/clearing, etc.) as that often has some effect on any symptom right off.

Then I feel that, like a meditation I had recently, that I needed to learn to work on issues as if they "were" me, rather than "projected outward" into the archetype. So I began to do what I'd done in the previous med where this idea first came across, go 'into' him, but it didn't work. He didn't want me there, or I wasn't ready, or for whatever reason it wasn't doable.

I was a little disconcerted, and then I remembered this movie I once saw, where a 'faith healer' sort of 'took on' a woman's musculature disease to heal her of it. I wondered if that was safe all things considered! Then I thought well, the archetypal universe in here is all ME though right? I mean it's already me. So I don't see why 'taking on' my archetype's issues would be a big deal. It's just then I'd be dealing with it very personally instead of from the outside.

So I 'took on' the bird's issues, and literally my physical body did this weird shifting at the same time I was visualizing all this. And then I called in various dynamics and processes to cure 'myself', with the clear intent that I was reflecting that arch and it was getting the same energy.

My mind wandered a bit. Then I felt as if my IG whacked me or something! Not hard, just a thump for attention. I suddenly came back to what I was doing, realized I'd fallen into a half-sleep half-dream instead of my med, and realized that my new IG had a way diff response to this: he totally expected better of me and was not as "open to whatever" as my last guide was. For some weird reason I felt the need to say out loud exactly three times, "I'll do better! I'll do better! I'll do better!" and then refocused.

When it was fully done I put my hands out and sent it my energy like a bridge or "confirmation" of our connection. Then I stood back, and I looked over at inner guide, and his face got slightly clearer for me, and all these realizations HIT me at once like a ROTE sort of. To summarize it all, it's like:

If you learn to attune yourself, you can feel everything outside, on the inside.

I used to do "reality med" exercises, where I'd look at 'patterns' inside to see a situation outside in my world, and work to change the patterns as needed. And "archetype med" exercises, where I assumed the archs represent my inner belief systems/relationships with energy. And often in either type of med, I'd get a feeling that a given "issue" for me was for example manifesting in my body in tension or an actual issue in a certain place.

The new IG made me realize I was breaking up into separate pieces a process which is really just a "continuum," just like RV and Tarot and other things are part of a continuum of psi.

I had a rewind of the memory of being in Seattle and once "feeling" colors inside my body, actually feeling where inside my body they impacted. (I'd had a small dose of that when highly 'aware' with classical music, of feeling the sounds as if they were colors and shapes moving around inside my torso.) In Seattle one day I could feel how different colors of 'real' things touched me inside my body and how fake colors mostly didn't (like signs). Walking to work a different way I came around a corner facing a vividly deep red rose bush, and it felt like those sudden shocking air-blowing eye machines at the old optometrists, except right on my heart! -- WOW. I still remember that pretty vividly.

I realized that this was an example of "feeling what is outside you, inside you."

I might feel it in my body; I might feel it like it is a geometry or shape; I might feel it like it is a strange creature I need to interact with somehow. But everything OUTside me, is INside me.

Yes I know! -- we know this, we've even talked about this. I do know that even my trashcan is a "reality dream symbol" that means something. If I desired to have a tall skinny silver trashcan vs. a short wicker basket vs. an ugly bag next to my desk, all these things would be very literal, physically manifested symbols, representing energies of me and of relationship with me. The same goes for people, events, locations, etc.

I abruptly realized that this was the point of the previous archmed with the inflated bird, that I half-got but then missed while doing it. I was right, in that, the arch is *already* part of me, so why would I need to recreate it inside myself. It was not that I actually created inside me the arch's shape etc. I already had it. What I did was *find it inside myself.* And then I went WHOA! flash to remote viewing and "if you could find it within yourself..." this ALL ties together.

There are several other 'layers' and things I don't even remember that was part of this but it really kind of amazed me, this really different way of looking at things -- and realizing that now, PRACTICE means actually DOING THIS in my life, just like I used to do a decade ago when I was really into reality meds and energy work -- feeling inside myself for anything that got my attention, and 'working with' whatever I found, even if it was just offbeat geometrical shapes or whatever. (I mean in normal life.)

Long ago, I had spontaneously done it right. I just had no idea what the hell I was doing. Now I understand what I need to do and how to do it and why. And better yet, I understand why this connects internally to RV yet is a way bigger subject even than the larger world of psi.

So, all that finally passed, and my new IG and I were then much more friendly and affectionate-feeling after sharing all that, compared to initially. And I say ok well, I need to leave, but my former IG has usually been giving me something to wear or absorb or otherwise interact with before I go, do you want to do anything like that?

And he said yeah, and he gave me a little container just like the one my former IG had just given me yesterday, which had contained a flattened oval of pure gold with ancient script on it. It's about the size and shape of an executive pen-set gift box.

So, eager with anticipation, I open it, and I can't really see what's in it; there is a vague sense of something actually blocking my sight, like a tiny piece of his white energy envelope.

I decide I'll just ignore that and reach out for the gift but then I think, no, wait a minute. I don't feel it's right that I should allow myself to "ignore not seeing." This in fact is a very literal problem I've had spiritually, resulting in dreams where I yell at myself, 'You must seeeee! You must seeeee!' so it seemed kind of ironic that I would be willing to "not see" in this case.

So I stopped and forced the tiny energy cloud away from me so I could see, and as I reached for it, I realized that inside the box were two sharp as knives horrid insects of some kind. Now, insects are common symbology for me as you know. So that alone wasn't shocking. And oddly I had no inner "gut sense" of revulsion or fear that I normally have with any archetypal energy that takes that form. It was just something that personally, I felt that was not good for me.

"I am not touching those things." I say flatly to my new IG.

Wow. Understand, I've never, ever, even considered NOT accepting something an IG gave me before. I've had meditations that took DAYS to complete, hours per day, required calling in every good arch, hiding behind them, doing the med with my eyes wide open in the daylight -- I mean, that intense, that frightening or scary. But I have never once questioned that what an inner guide gave me is what I should work with.

"Pick them up," he says.

"I'm not touching the f-ing things" I snap, not angry, just confused about WHY a guide would be giving me something that I just don't feel is right.

I wonder, is he a real guide? Maybe something weird is going on?? How could he not be real, he was so good for me in that med we just did with all those realizations about reality!

And he waves the box into oblivion and suddenly I can see him so much better! And he smiles really kindly now, and he says, "You passed a lot of tests today. This is a lesson of import: you are responsible for yourself."

I say, "Oh.... oh, wow. But wait. You're my IG. You wouldn't hurt me, you're part of me!"

And he said, "The only thing that really IS likely to hurt you is something that is a part of you. Just because something is a part of you doesn't mean that it is fully -- if at all -- integrated with your conscious intent, or that it will not on some level work against you or even harm you."

I thought, like subconscious sabotage. He said "Yes, though this is a much bigger subject than that. You need to FEEL inside you for what is outside. You need to FEEL whether a visualization is working for real or is just an exercise. You need to KNOW, and trust that knowing, when something is not good for you, and not allow yourself to accept things that harm you."

I had a variety of thoughts on many levels then, that he was showing me, about how this pertains to my daily life and relationships.

There was also a sense that I was about to get into deeper water in my meditations and interactions with.. whatever, and that these various lessons were critical to my operating on that level and safely.

I figured I better write it down before I forget it.

PJ

Programming the Self

2009-12-12T01:30:00.001-06:00

I had forgotten about this meditation approach: Create a 'geometry' which 'is' a given energy. This is like that geometric language you feel inside you, that some say is called the Angelic language, where the geometric shapes 'are' the 'ISness', the thing itself being communicated. Then you are plugging it in" to the programming control center of yourself.

I remembered the last part, but not the first about making it a geometry that feels right, and I think this is very important and more powerful somehow. Also I had forgotten the part about 'conflict resolution', I think that is important too.

Also I had forgotten that there is a specific "DNA Meditation" that one can do there. Sheesh! Anything else I'm forgetting?? Oh yeah: I had also forgotten that my outer guides (OG) used to work with me so often and often came with me to the body-worlds and did a ton of energy work with me like on my chakras.

The guides in the various science-lab centers 'inside/under' the plateau, as a group, that deal with my body, are the overlapping guide-identities that I now call "Tek".

Journal fragment, July 16, 2002

I was doing a Control Center med, some OGs in there with me too. It totally rocked!

I came up with a single, succinct and direct sentence for what I wanted ("I am very disciplined and have much will"). Then, I had my imagination come up with a geometric shape that "said" exactly that, that encapsulated it perfectly in its own form, that "was" that energy. I put the shape in gold light.

Then I gave the gold-light-geometry to the CC guide that works in the comcenter that sends out information, ideas, instructions, etc. to every cell in the body. He added a note to it, like a "carrier wave" of energy somehow attached to the shape, that said, "Any not in accord with this belief, present yourselves for conflict resolution."

He had this glass cubic box in a center console and he stood over it and held the 'shape' ready and everyone in the room, like all the guides were participating and sharing energy, yelled "GO!" loudly in chorus and he slammed it into the console to be sent out on every nerve, the message delivered to every cell.

It was amazing!! I could physically feel as if light were hitting my every cell! My entire body tingled with it.

Then it was like a party atmosphere in there and I had him "gimme 5!" and told him I'd be back another time.

Journal Fragment, July 24, 2002

Control Center med. I was using binaural before/during this btw, TMI focus 12. I asked if the controller could help me make a 'thing' out of my intent, to "plug into me" somehow. He said yes. I started listing a variety of things (evolution stuff) and then I realized, it's my choice, right, so I added "fun!" to the mix, and then gave it all to him. He began working on a shape/symbol/whatever. I had a feeling it would take him several seconds to do right, so I distracted myself to let go of it fully.

Then I suddenly thought, hey, if I can change at the cell level, can I also change my DNA?! I asked him and he said "Yep!" so I focused on that and he re-began the build using that model. Suddenly I thought: the four elementals of soul, the four parts of DNA, and I asked are these related? And he said "yes, somewhat."

Now, when the guide is setting me up with something, a number of other aspects I perceive dimly just as 'people watching' sometimes come, just a few. But this time, HORDES came! Huge crowds!! Our CC changed into a big windowed elevated booth with stadium seats around so everyone could see in.

I said My gosh, why the big deal??

He said, "changing DNA has profound effects."

I thought about that. "I'm changing my past as well as future right?" I asked. Yes.

I worried a little. "Will this affect my daughter?" Yes.

"Will she still be here happy and healthy and all?" I asked, concerned.

Sure, he says, as if to reassure me, and I relax.

Often when a CtrlCtr med symbol/order is plugged in, it's instantly so intense an energy it actually makes me kinda nauseated. (Powerful magickal rituals do this too, as an aside.)

This didn't. I did feel it physically, as I always do, but not so extremely. It felt... weird, like a subtle pulse, and it passed. Then it came again and I got the 'concept' of it and a visual to go with the feeling:

There is some technology, maybe Tesla stuff, where there is something with two vertical pillars of metal, and there is this live-lightning that is arcing from one to the other in a horizontal beam, and it is moving upward. I think it normally goes upward but in my case this was going downward, slowly.

This thing happened several times repeatedly, I felt it going down through my body. I made a point on my own to help it: to add emotional impetus, will, and visualized a super powerful yet soft expanding 3D ball of yellow energy affecting my own timeline and then everything -- like probabilities and alternate realities -- near me.

Finally it was over, and I was very mellow as I'd been in binaural F12 for awhile then, and I picked up my book and continued peacefully reading for a few minutes.

Then out of nowhere, VOOM!--despite that I'd been very calm, comfy, relaxed, I was instantly totally beta alert, totally energetic and I jumped up instantly, almost violently, put on leggings and ran out and mowed the lawn, which was way overdue and a good bunch of work. I had the clear sense that I HAD to go exercise and MOVE a little, that this was needed for the energy to process, or set, or be completed.

My thought is that I should do more DNA related stuff.

Oh, I asked the controller if he remembered the night in Seattle when I changed my entire past radically up to then. He said he did. I was thinking that this must have been for some reason--I hope a good one...

Journal Fragment, November 7, 2004

Control Center meditation. Sponsored by an idea in a Seth book. "Look for opposing beliefs that are causing the most severe energy blockage."

I hear, "blood ___" (curse? cult?). I see a piece of square metal with a piece of metal on top sticking up. I feel rushes of fear run through me, and I spontaneously call the directions--first time inspired to do that in eons.

On the clean-room table are two humanish babies, yet different, more flexible/skinny like small animals, yet looked human.

On the right the baby was crouched down on its haunches, but it seemed to have teeth and claws and a fierceness. In some shock I recoiled, wide-eyed inside.

On the left was its twin, lying in a fetal position as if "unconscious." I decided the one on the right could wait; the one on the left needed immediate attention. I focused on it in concern. It seemed the innocent to me. Surely the "on-guard" angry one was responsible for it lying there so passively.

But as I focused on it, this ghost-like energy-body or over-self came out of it, and I could see it was big, mean and hostile. It seemed to be protecting that which slept or ignored. I realized that this might actually be the real cause of why the other looked hyper-alert and ready for violence and a little crazed. If this oversized energy-body bully had been attacking the other...

My attention shifted. I kept trying to go back to the med but was in serious denial and eons later I finally just slept. I might add my Ctrl Ctr meds have always had unusual textured shapes. They have never had anything alive, let alone something so unusual! Babies. Do you suppose the symbology means it's something from that age?

11/9/04 continued (better late than never!): I invited the OG's and they came. We went back to the Control Ctr and the weird babyish creatures.

I focused on the right one. I so felt for it. I said, you poor baby, poor, sweet baby! And stroked it. When it relaxed, I held it and coo'd to it. Finally I removed the core of the belief and association with me, yet left it all its form and energy, but told it I was going to set it free. It changed into a little dog like a beagle or something.

Then I focused on the left one. Eventually I decided this was an unconscious belief, that was the meaning of the infant's state. I told it to take a form I could work with and it became a hive of stinging flying bugs. I figured it was trying to protect itself. I made a plexiglass 2-cube box connected by a tube and one by one I had them sucked from one side of the box to the other, and in the 'tube' area removed their core belief/connection from each. When done they were just the energy and form, no connection to me.

I told the dog to become a bird, and I set them all free.

I actually felt mildly as if the sides of my torso had gotten lighter or clearer, like inside I was freer somehow. I was going to do another CC med but the CC guide told me I should do that a separate time.

Oh yeah, outer guides:

We went back up to the plateau. The OG's though the CC med was 'weird but cool'. The guides had agreed to help with my chakra med. One of them I see clearly, he's an asian guy. We'd done the crown chakra earlier. They helped pour energy in a "core" through me and expand, pushing all darkness out, and they buried it deep in earth.

The next round (planned) was my left foot. There was a distortion I had perceived in the energy field shape, and an improper opening where negative energy could come in. They literally revised the shape, which closed off the open area, and they had to use part of their own energy to force a mold to hold the new proper shape in place until my astral body does it automatically.

I feel I can still "feel" this in place, semi-physically.

Journal Fragment, January 7, 2006

In my sacred space a sort of dimensional doorway opened up like a big crack in the plateau, in the middle. Wow. Me and my nearest OG jumped in, and slid down this literal slide for quite awhile, and turn and twist etc. Kinda fun. We end up way deep 'inside the earth'.

We arrived at this double doorway, opened it up, and we were in this really big building -- as big as a vast opera house or small sports arena -- and the ceiling was totally dome and totally stained glass. The light was *incredible*!!! There was a 360' balcony filled with people there to watch.

It was a DNA-level meditation I was told, but I don't remember much else now, I did at the time, but I didn't write it down later.

The room itself was so amazing I kept going, "wow. wow. wow. wow." I mean visually... wow.

PJ

The Devic Kingdom of Me

2009-12-12T01:25:00.000-06:00

In terms of profound, complex visuals, of staggering clarity and color and depth, this old meditation remains probably the #1 most utterly mindblowing one I've ever had in that category. The body, up close and personal inside, is beyond merely amazing. The 'deva' aspect was awesome and completely autonomous (that is so amazing when it works that way!).

Journal Fragment, January 9, 2006

The last two days my meditations went nowhere. Literally like the battery was 100% run down. I just sort of existed there and did nothing. But I did make effort as I want to stay consistent.

Today I went in again and I've been impressed with how much my visuals, their intensity and detail, has suddenly amped up. It's like that part of my brain or chakra are just wired for speed now.

I went in and got Brin and Stets (my outer guides) and had the feelings that I needed to do another inside med. Recently in my sacred space a sort of dimensional doorway opened up like a big crack in the plateau, in the middle, and we jump in, and slide down this literal slide for quite awhile, and turn and twist etc. Kinda fun. We end up way deep 'inside the earth'. Today I had a little time for a meditation and we slid in and landed in a strange place.

It was nearly dark but a tiny bit of dim light roved seemingly randomly. About 4' in front of me was a wall that seemed metallic, maybe copperish or something. The whole environ was "dank" is the word. Out of the darkness pops up this creature. I nearly laughed. I knew immediately that my recent review of the children's Spiderwick Field Guide (a novel set) and its fantastic creatures had helped my imagination with this one. It was like a human-sized frog. It stood on its two hind legs but they and the arms were long and bent, so it sort of squatted. It had a head more rounded like a human's than like a frog, and it had eyes way too big even for a frog. It was actually so ugly it was cute. It was perfect for the dark, vaguely wet environ I suppose. I forced myself to show respect and be polite, which is interesting; this was not an archmed, it was just a med in a similar format.

He walked to the side (I had the sense there was a wall near to our back, it was a real small place we arrived in), and we followed, and I stuffed both my guides astrally into my body as if I were a suitcase because I wasn't sure what was going on and just thought it would be more convenient for them. So we go left and there is this lighted doorway, and I figure we're going through it, but just as we nearly reach it he turns, and reaches up -- his entire body extends to like 3 or 4 times its length to go way high on a ceiling -- and grabs a ring, and pulls down a part of the ceiling that is like a ramp staircase.

I start going up it and realize he isn't coming with me. He waves me on and I understand that this is his world and he can't leave it. I am totally mystified at why I ended up there. Anyway, so I go up the stairs and they are closing so by the time I'm to the top, the floor has closed up behind me, and I'm facing down a hallway.

At the other end of the hallway is an amazing colorful whirlpool energy vortex or something. I go down the hall, confused as sometimes it seems there are doors beside me, and sometimes not, and it seems very windy in there somehow. I get to the end and I feel I ought to 'knock' like that is a door, but where?! I'm not even sure it's safe to put my hand in it. So I finally yell, "knock knock!" :-) And the energy stops motionless and then parts from the center and opens up into a doorway.

Standing inside the doorway is another incredibly unique creature. He seems to be made of ice, but he is not cold. He is stiff, to say the least. He's like a human with a vaguely iguana-like head. He doesn't look so much 'blocky' as 'spiky' to me. I'm not sure he's my friend frankly, as the look on his face is a bit, er, stiff. So I step in the doorway next to him and just look at him. He leads the way down yet another hallway. Geez will the hallways ever end!

So awhile later I realize we aren't getting anywhere. Then I have this "insight:" that when a creature is leading you somewhere, it's very important to concentrate on 'the sense of being led' and 'the sense of following them,' because what's REALLY going on is, they are trying to "tune you" to some specific 'frequency' or whatever, and they need your attention to make that happen. I had been kind of wandering mentally. So I pulled my attention in, and a few seconds later we arrive at another doorway.

It is opened by a perfectly normal looking man, like some respectable wealthy brit or german dude in his 50's, with a beard, who welcomes me and holds the door open. We walk in, and I look at the ice-not-cold-creature and it melts away into water which is then absorbed into the floor. I look over at the guy, who seems pretty damn normal compared to the previous froggish and then lizardish critters, and he is quite communicative. He has a british accent!

He leads me up to this huge circular inset. I look over the edge and my mind was SO boggled. I mean literally it was almost too much input for my brain. There were several rings on the outside which were going in different directions, but each changed now and then. On the inside was a vast array of individual somethings, like flat or slightly concave buckey-ball shapes. There was this big circle of color, but there were many colors involved, and different depths, and it was just SO COMPLEX that I am not kidding, it is like 10x more complicated than the most amazing computer-video-movie graphic shot you ever saw in your life.

The actual feeling I had was AWE. Like this was the most incredibly complex, beautiful, amazing, alive sort of divine machine-life-thing I could ever imagine!

Over at the far side of the circle there was this sort of box... thing... and it seemed to have like a small whirlpool that was keeping a stored collection of fluid 'fresh' there, and then I realized that:
a) the lizardish guide had been an entity created of "temporarily very solidified water" (not like creatures in the movie The Abyss. He was actually hard, and just vaguely blue.) from this place, and
b) this 'place' was what we humans would call a tear duct, which led to my realization that
c) the utterly amazing circular thing with all the color and levels and panels and such was an EYE.

"I'm in my eye?!" I say to the guide in total astonishment, and realize as I do so that this is a pun of sorts.

"I thought I was doing a meditation on myself," I said. "I mean," I correct myself, "Myself like, well you know, my internal self. No wait, I mean, well of course my eye is myself and internal, but I mean, like my, my psychology or spirit, like who I am."

I forget all the detail of our conversation -- he communicated really well frankly -- but it essentially boiled down to

1) The 'eye' is both symbolically and literally the "I" in many ways, and

2) All the things experienced inside the body (like the creatures and places), although they are "on one level" all about the biology, "on another level" they are actually entire worlds of their own.

So we go back to the big inset -- there is more going on down there than I can begin to describe -- and he tells me that due to recent major adjustments in my "I" thanks to meditations, that significant internal restructuring of my eyes are happening as well (maybe in ways not apparent on the surface-body of course), and it would be very helpful if I would lend my "attention" (read: energy) to the process of getting it done.

I'm so amazed by the sheer enormity of this entire schema, it's like "biologically-industrial on the size/scope of spaceship hangars" or something, I keep finding myself overwhelmed and just thinking to myself, even saying out loud with my physical body, "Wow. wow! wow! wow!"

He says there are far too many details for me to attend to, and so instead there is an area where stand maybe two dozen creatures, which to me have a vague connection to a pretty young female in an all-white nun-style habit, or in any case, something where her head was all-white and sort of stuck out at the sides in some odd way (it had that sort of 'flying nun' head-shape, in a way, or like something sticking out the sides like wings).

He told me this was the "devic representation" of all the details. I had a sudden thought and laughed, "The Devic Kingdom of ME!" and he grinned and said, "Yes, that's it exactly." (I now understand that artist Michael Parkes is in great part painting devas.)

And so I realized I didn't have enough time to do the whole meditation which was looking pretty lengthy I guessed, so I pulled out a scroll from in my jacket (I meant a checkbook, but it turned into this big scroll and quill pen) and I wrote a big blank check on it that read:

"Please give 'the devic kingdom of me' whatever energy and attention it needs to complete the processes necessary as dictated by this guide, related to the eye(s). Any energy that exists in me to be allotted, if they request it, please give it to them. signed, Palyne of ME." It was so funny, the feelings while doing this!

So I gave him the scroll and I say, "Will this help you in any way?"

He said, "Oh yes, this will give us the energy we need -- but mostly, this will help politically, enormously."

"Politically?!" I say, not sure if I should burst out laughing or be stunned. "There are politics involved in running my body?!"

He looks at me and says drolly. "Like you wouldn't believe."

Then as we began to turn back toward the door, these ... "motes of light" that were like light-orbs began flying into or from, I couldn't tell which, the giant round area that was deeply inset (below the level where we were standing).

"Wow!" sez I. "What is THAT?!?"

He kind of smiled and said, "If you wanted to watch all the processes, you could be here all day. You do have to leave, I believe."

"Oh yeah," I say sadly, turning reluctantly away from this amazing myriad of color, shape, form, function, etc. and we go back to the door.

"So you're... you're like a devic kingdom creature too, yes?" I ask. He says, "Yes of course."

I say, "Like the hard-water-creature that guided me here?" (The thing appears again just then as we reach the doorway, literally re-oozing out of the floor and reconstituting.) "A bit more complex," he says drolly with some humor, and I realize this is a light-years understatement.

I tell him, "Will I see you again? Or do you work just in the eye area?"

"I represent a body-intelligence," he says. "We will probably meet again. I may not be entirely 'me' next time."

(I understand what he means. His identity is a variable, the energy compiles in different detail, but the primary energy is core and still there.)

"Can I come back directly here?" I ask him. "Without the... travel?"

"Sure," he says, dismissing the lizardishhardwaterguy with a nod who melts and absorbs in a blink. "Now that you have been here, just focus on the memory of here, and you can come in and out. When you haven't yet located a specific focus, the guide is usually needed."

Thanks, I say, and he nods, and I close my eyes and imagine myself popping out of the briefly-open crack in the middle of my plateau.

I "unpack" my outer guides who look at each other, then me, and then just walk away! I think they probably need a stiff drink after work tonight LOL.

Anyway the thing is, because I really am putting bigtime energy into 'growing' this whole world again, and doing this at least daily if not more often, the "autonomy" and the richness and detail is just amazing! I mean literally amazing. I desperately wish that I could somehow share these visuals with others, you'd be so blown away.

P.S. As an addendum, it was a month later that I saw in my optometrist's office a special on LASIK. I actually had not considered this seriously before and normally could not think of affording it. But due to unusual circumstance, the price was very low and I had a bulk of money right that moment and I was instantly convinced I HAD to do it. In early March, I had the procedure done, and my way-beyond-legally-blind (but correctable) eyesite was radically improved to 15/20 (for awhile. Now it's probably more like 30/30 but it varies depending on my body's hydration). So it seems like "my reality" shifted to fit the greatly improved "eye/I" this was reflecting within two months.

PJ

Internal Katas

2009-12-12T01:15:00.000-06:00

So the recent directive or understanding, is that I am integrating my "inner world" with my "outer world". I am to let all the parts of myself "show me" internally the nature of what I am experiencing externally, which should also allow me to work directly with that energy (such as to change it).

I turns out I was just starting this once, long ago, from a different perspective. But after awhile I quit doing the internal work and forgot all about it.

Journal fragment, 11 January 2006

I'll call this 'Internal Katas'

Three ways I can work on an energy pattern and/or my relationship with it.

1 - Create an archetype. This is a relationship "reality" pattern, etc. on the outside, only.

2 - Get inside that matrix, e.g. merge with it, and then work on the new me from inside that.

3 - Find that pattern within myself. Everything outside, sources from inside. "Replicate locally the nonlocal pattern by revealing the existing points-patterns internally which match."

I understood: The latter is the root of psi practices (like remote viewing).

Now it's my job to practice. The kata: look inside for the pattern, creature, body-effect, which matches things in my outer reality.

PJ

The Cold Soul

2009-12-12T01:00:00.002-06:00

journal fragment 26 July 1997

It was a deep, catacombed cave. We had reached this cave through a heavy, thick, door-like entrance that was somehow so cold.

There was a man there, who was a white man and a black man both. The dark one was in charge, and he/they were also female. {This is me and the Four. -P}

He showed me this old skull he had, it had a very long head. I said, yes, I was wondering about those just recently -- L knew of those! I saw one in a pic! We discussed it and understood it was a race of people who had come to this planet and when they left, they had taken their dead with them, except a few they missed because they didn't know where they were.

There was an axe that had been used to kill people, an ancient axe, possibly asian I felt, and it seemed like it was almost sentient in some way. We/I put my hand over it, and I could feel the "coldness" of it, not just temperature cold, some other element involved with that.

It had a pressure against my hand, like a force field, and I fought it, and then suddenly my fingers and hand at the edges burned sharply a little as the energy sheath or whatever dissolved.

I thought I had won that little battle. But then psychically, we saw a corpse rise up out of a grave and come to chase me/us! One of us was freaking out. Another said Stop, get it together, you need to keep your personal life separate. Another said We are not separate, everything we experience touches all of us.

(Then I had a flash of what the narrator had once told me about how my various needs, neurosis, beliefs, etc. had combined to arrange for me the man I'd married. That somehow this had affected them too, not just me.)

Now we were worried, because we understood now: by destroying the force-field stasis on the axe, we had released the soul of the man who had wielded it! (I think the sentience of the axe was actually a part of him.) -- and as a result, he was going to be reincarnated. And we were responsible for that. He'd been sort of... suppressed... on purpose, obviously.

It turns out he was not a murderer in the next life that we watched him live (whew). He did use the axe, he brought that into his life again, but it was for good work. Eventually he had a son he loved very much.

Later, when the son was around 17, the man killed another young man around the same age with his car by accident. He was grieving, crying in the street over the bloody broken body, and wondering why this horror had happened to him.

We saw that he had needed at least one death to serve the bloodthirsty part of him. He did not know it was there, but it was part of him... he couldn't keep it separate.

PJ

They'll be great together

2009-12-12T00:15:00.000-06:00

Maybe two very different things can work well together.

Or not.

Crabs walk sideways
And lobsters welk straight
So I don't think I can take you
As my mate!
(--a summer camp song in my childhood)

I've blogged the last few days about it being... hard. In my head, the difficulty in bringing my 'inner world' mental activities into my 'regular world'. Trying to keep it straight, trying to prevent my imagination and feelings and logic from intertwining like incestuous little royals every time I'm not looking.

I've been wondering if maybe it's not the right idea, me trying to ditch the separate space/time and literally force the 'meditation framework' into my normal operating system, or begin to try anyway. What if my imagination is interfering with my conscious mind? Will I end up nutso? Maybe that should be separate from the more logical needs of daily life. It's still new which makes it a little jumbled and confusing. Will that get better? Maybe it's just a sign it's wrong.

In a fragment of journal, I found notes I had jotted down from a Seth/Jane Roberts book that address this -- late 1993.

"... the [human] species developed reasoning abilities that are meant to evolve and grow as they are used. Your consciousness expands as you use it... as the conscious mind grw now, so did the range of imagination. The conscious mind is a vehicle for the imagination in many ways. The greater its knowledge, the further its reach of imagination. In return, imagination enriches conscious reasoning and emotional experience."

Huh. OK, and:

"You have not learned to use your consciousness properly or fully, so that it seems that imagination, emotion and reasoning are separate faculties, or sometimes set against each other. The mature conscious mind, once more, accepts data from the exterior world and from the interior one. It is only when you believe that consciousness must be attuned only to exterior conditions that you force it to cut itself off from inner knowledge, intuitional "voices," and the depths from which it springs."

Wow, that's a pretty specific address to it, yeah?!
also:

"Imagination and emotion are the most concentrated forms of energy that you possess as physical creatures."

Silent Cosmos and the Ways of the World

2009-12-11T21:42:00.005-06:00

In August 2002 I had a spontaneous "poetry" inspiration which led to the previous posted poem (The Deja Vu of Home). I hadn't written poetry in many, many years.

That was a Thursday. It was a Friday morning around 10am when I was programming and suddenly looked up from my coding and said to my assistant nearby, "I want to go get a cat. From the animal control guy. Preferably an adult cat, a male."

Now, nobody in their right mind wants an adult male cat when they have a house full of cats, that is asking for big trouble. I prefer females generally and would adopt a kitten if possible. So for me to specifically WANT an adult male cat was very weird and I knew that immediately.

Further, we didn't have an animal shelter then. We had a one-long-room with cages filled with dogs, it's like 180 decibels in there with all the barking echoing off the walls of the thin room, and a few cat cages up top up front. He almost never has any cats, and it's such a horrible environ for them that after a few days waiting to see if anyone calls him about one, he'll take it out to one of the farms. They can, in theory, 'find' food... usually they are coyote food. But like I said, he almost never had cats anyway.

I added, "You know, that is like an overwhelming feeling all the sudden. But I can't imagine why I would want an adult male cat!! But I do, go figure!"

But I was busy working on a deadline and by the time I called, nobody answered; the guy working it is seldom there. (Note: we now have an animal shelter. We didn't back then.) Friday I took off work and went there, but the guy wasn't around, he was out driving. It's closed weekends.

Monday I went back again, and I say to the officer who runs that, "OK this is weird even for me, but I'm looking to adopt an adult male cat. Might you have one?"

The AC officer says to me, "You know, that is amazing! That's so great! YES!!" And he tells me the story of this cat.

The cat was born and lived for about 6-7 years with the family. And then the family up and moved off and just left it like something inconvenient. (That is not uncommon here in the midwest, and there's worse. It is a statement of how unevolved I am that I want to hunt down these people and hurt them. Repeatedly.)

The cat was lost and freaked out, and ran wild trying to find food in an area that is totally city. A man who lived in some apartments across the street had known the cat for many years and sometimes it went to his house and he would pet it. He felt so sorry for how skinny and ragged it got after awhile that he started putting a little food out for it. But then his manager said if he saw the cat again he would evict the guy as no pets were allowed. So the guy had to call animal control. But he told him this story, and emphasized what a great cat it was, and how if there was anything the guy could do to find it a home. . .

The AC officer said that he got the call Thursday and went to get it Friday but it didn't show up for the food, but the guy kept him inside on the weekend so he had just brought him in right before I arrive. He added, "I was really hoping, no matter how almost impossible this was, that someone would actually want to adopt this cat. He is really a great cat, I like him too."

It turned out that the adoption fee was more than I had in my pocket. I hadn't even thought about money. "I have a checkbook," I said, feeling panicky for some reason, and he says, "No, it's ok," and he digs change and loose bills out of his pocket and together we count up enough money for the official checkout. He even gives me a small cage and drives home with me to pick it up.

The cat was maybe 7 years old. He is entirely black except a small starrish area of white on his chest. He has a split ear and notable fangs. And he's very quiet as I bring him in the house. Still, doesn't even squirm.

I put him in the back room where my office is, and I put all the other cats outside so they will not fight the newcomer. When evening comes, I put him in the garage with food and water and a litterbox, and let the other cats back in. They smell each other morning and night but don't see each other.

He is unusual. I've had cats all my life, up to 10 at a time, I know cats pretty well. But he has a calmness, a maturity, that was just very unusual, especially considering the situation he just came out of. Each morning when I go to collect him, he sits calmly and waits for me to pick him up and take him. He never tries to investigate except the room we're in. He never tries to get in or out; I specifically take him.

I bring the other cats in to meet him. I expect them all to freak out and him, battered old Tom, to be mean as hell. He sits quietly, the other 6 sit quietly with a couple pacing, and they all stare at each other in the middle of the living room. 7 cats, 6 their house, 1 stranger old male. And they don't even growl let alone get into it. This just doesn't happen with cats.

He looks over at me and I realize he always looks at me like that. Like he is silently watching me. Like he is way too sentient for a cat, too old and wise for this to be possible.

Because he is all black with one spot of light, I call him Cosmos, like the night sky. I quickly grow to adore him all out of proportion. I am not closest to him physically, not in the petting-him-most category. It's something deeper than that and difficult to explain. So many times I have seriously wondered if he could be, in part, some kind of part of me or guide.

Six days after the previous 'first poem in so many years', I was again inspired to write another poem -- almost as if the first one had in some way "brought him about" and this poem was related -- about Cosmos the cat.

I haven't written another poem since I don't think. Maybe I have and I don't remember. But it's been over seven years since then.

08/28/02 7:07am

Silent Cosmos and the Ways of the World

He was abandoned.
After years, his family
just moved away without him.
His grief was as silent as
his paw-steps, hunting for survival.

He's tough.
A surprisingly heavy bundle
of solid, furry muscled black grace.
His self-restraint over instinct matches
his maturity--; too odd for words.

He's wise.
He watches like a thoughtful human,
his sentience overwhelming form.
He could be one of those enchanted princes
immortal in fur.

He's psychic.
The last human he owned
had him taken to the pound, where
he called for me to come get him.
He'd been just another inconvenience.
Did he find me? Or I him?

He's patient.
He accepts my fawning love,
not trusting a human to loyalty
but, pleased with the small favor
of having us for awhile.

He's the divine cat
A tragi-comic blood sport of grace
I am honored to call my friend.

.

The Deja Vu of Home

2009-12-11T21:20:00.007-06:00

August 22, 2002

I am a child of chaos.
The tangled fractals clang
in my cells
and look for resolution.
My body breathes
the serenity
of identity
and soothes the inside-out
with its ignorant bliss.

I am colored outside the lines.
The casually messy beliefs chatter
in my psyche
and refuse to march in time.
My mind, it dreams
of consequence
and evidence
and structures life from the outside-in
with its prejudiced loves.

I am the One.
The soul's intent and body in tension
negotiate
so something will get done.
My destiny allows
the precision
of decision
and waits patiently for orders
which all of me agrees on.

I am the mother of my cosmos.
The stars blaze within me when
it is darkest
inside my big idea incarnate.
My creation allows
day or night
wrong or right
with classrooms of explanation
around every inner corner.

I am octaves of invisible color.
The glowing lines of spirit pulse
in my reality
and redeem messy chaos with light.
My soul longs for the
complete I AM
of the hologram
and impels me forward on shadowed paths
with the deja vu of home.

I AM.

.

Summary to date

2009-12-11T21:09:00.003-06:00

I swear it's like I'm being driven to go on this 'review' of a ton of stuff, as if I'm summarizing and getting up to date before going forward. I have had a bunch of realizations about things that I had not had before. I forget many of them but one was, for example, that the Aslan-like lion, he is another 'form' of the mate/twin to me.

I had this urge to search for something in email and by accident found a super important to me account that I searched for last night in backup and couldn't locate. I have probably well over 100,000 emails in gmail. Do you know what the odds are of my accidentally finding the single email that talks about something from five years ago that I didn't even know was there?

That however led me to realize I might have pieces of stuff I thought was lost forever, if I can get to it. I'm not sure how to access 'archives' in gmail aside from lucky search results.

I was coming back from getting a drink when part of me said, "Go get the old journals that are on that shelf and look through them." But I was busy so I ignored it. "Go Go Go Go Go!" .... so rolling my eyes, I got back up and went back and got them. There were a few great things I thought were lost forever (didn't realize I'd journaled them) AND -- I am not kidding, remember I just had that "chakras as identities" note? -- I actually found an extra about that exact same thing! I don't remember ever having been told this before.

You know... this has now come up and -- hmmn. The timing and repetition of the thoughts about it and the drive are suspicious. Is it possible that IF chakras could be modeled as identities, that they have weird names? (haha) Like... Ackrck??

Oh and I was talking to my best friend about having to ASK guides/pray for specifics and I found this whole meditation that talks specifically to that point! Interesting too.

But I forget most stuff, that's why I blog. A couple of things I found, I have no memory of at all.

I'm going to get rid of these many books with a few pages each of my writing. Tear it out and use them. I want to record these few meditations and dreams (and two poems!) that I've found so they aren't lost, though, and this is the blog for it. So the next few posts will not be current stuff but quite old stuff, just to get it into this database.

PJ

Neshama, Faith & the Angel

2009-12-11T13:22:00.013-06:00

I'm less concerned about being led astray by others than by myself.

After all, others as teachers can always be only temporary. One eventually moves on and sees the world from another perspective. But how less likely is it, how much more difficult is it, that we move on from the prejudices of ourselves?

When you learn thing-A from person-X, and along comes Apples and Albatross that validate thing-A, you think to yourself, "I guess he is right, at least so far." But when you learned it from your own conclusions or discoveries, your ego says, "You see? I am RIGHT!" We are seduced by the mating of our desperate need to know and our desperate need to believe we know.

Worse, our paradigms structure our perception of everything that comes after. The original self-fulfilling prophecy was probably, in fact, a prophecy of self-fulfillment, followed by someone's fatal collapse into a vortex of the mirrors-of-confirmation.

As long as I don't really need to have faith in something, the logical side of me feels safe. I can keep my skeptical, vaguely cynical separate-perception, and opine about all sides of any issue, feeling smugly superior about my Wiser Wider Perspective. Then my ego is happy enough. That right brain is firmly in line, barefoot in the kitchen and not getting too uppity!

But when it comes time to "put out" for faith, my logical self becomes a nagging mother of the intellect's alleged-virtue. "The only thing that belief can give you is a bad reputation!" Yes, mother. I promise I won't get in the backseat with that leap-of-faith. I have in my pocket protection via cynical-objectivity. I'll be home to my familiar limitations by 10pm, I swear.

*

Once upon a time, in the early-mid 1990s, I was a former skeptic. My hypnosis work had cracked open my mind a little bit. Archetype meditations and hands-on energy work further expanded my inner horizons, until the day my kundalini and my crown got acquainted, and my inner world got splattered all over my outer reality more colorfully than usual.

I began having some very strange experiences. "Visions" that came on me suddenly of many kinds, including one type where a big blonde man in some other world was also me, the same 'source-energy' as me, although he was a also a little more besides. Alternate realities and timelines. Subjective space and perception. Psychic flashes and entities in the night. It spiraled downward into a chaos that had everything from catholic symbols to cockroaches, from grey aliens to mind control, from cat-eyed lizard guy "Guardians of Earth" to the long-head Egyptian-like woman of "spiritual royalty" and her mate, who were part of me and the blonde in a relationship of Four which with chakras alit was just like a 3D 'Tree of Life'. From cataclysmic visions of earth's doom to an Aslan-like Lion, from the geometric language you feel inside to the blue-eyes-of-soul that finally saved me, after a horrible 'Nothingness' experience vacuumed the divine light right outta me, I fell in love with trees and merged with numbers and got pulled out of body and could feel 'Truth' through my skull and in my gut.

The only single thing I can say about all that is it was 'exhausting' to a degree there is no way to convey. The only thing consistent was the buffet-style impressionism. There was not any model that could begin to hold and validate more than a fraction of my experience. Seth had the only metaphysical framework without a doctrine, and I clung to it for dear life. Thanks to he and Jane I wasn't crazy, I didn't need medication; I wasn't evil, I didn't need an exorcist; I was just metaphysical, and it was all very "interesting."

Then I got married and had a child and became a single mom and have spent the last dozen years "surviving."

Sure, I've had the occasional dream, vision, meditation, psychic flash, these things sometimes in cycles, but for the most part, awareness has been "under the radar" for me for a very long time. My relationship with the Four has continued, but not much else.

Now I'm wondering if it is possible that I am "picking up where I left off."

Alrighty then. Where was I again?? I'm kidding. I didn't even know then.

*

What have I been doing all this time, I wondered?

When I think about it, actually I haven't been inert. I have learned a ton about the human mind, about transpersonal psychology, about psychic functioning, about science frameworks for psychic application -- just "stuff." I've learned about many things that have impacted upon my feeling, miraculously, "comfortable" with most of my previous experience. That have left me relatively comfortable that wherever this goes, wherever I find myself, I'm ok with it.

That would have seemed totally impossible a dozen years ago. It might have been impossible if much of the experiences had continued. It's like I've been existing in some cerebral universe of learning "about" things but, aside from a little psi and a little dreaming, not experiencing much. When previously, it was all nothing but experience, with so little to balance the logical side I often felt like I was half an inch from completely losing my mind.

Oddly I don't feel bad about the last dozen years. I mean I don't feel like I've been wasting my time. I feel like I desperately needed rest and recuperation. And I desperately needed to wrap my intellectual brain around a lot of stuff. And frankly I have to admit I've gotten a good chunk of both of those things.

*

One problem that remains is this: if I go read about things, in an attempt to better understand intellectually, or find correspondences to my internal experiences, it will cause me to invalidate any additional experience I have which seems to follow "stuff I already read about." I will think I'm making it up, that I'm deluding myself.

So on one hand, I feel like if I knew more about the subject of any given idea or experience or symbol, I might be more competent when working with it or talking to it or understanding it. On the other hand, the more I "know," the less I am able to come by genuinely spontaneous experience. It affects me if I have the pre-pollution of "expectation."

I'm mostly sorry I even googled "Aeon" and "12 Aeons". Even just the little reading I've done related to that has messed with me. I find myself right in the middle of communication and symbolism, stopping it to question myself or everything else: Are you saying that X is Y? Did you get this idea from what you read? Does this mean that? Are you just making this all up now?

I will not google anything further. Just what I get by accident from occasionally reading a forum is probably too much already.

The worst effect from 'front-loading' information is expectation. This has two forms. The first is that it may cause you to reject all kinds of things that do not share the assumed-form or detail. This can be done even below the level of conscious awareness. The second is that it may cause you to "filter or distort" what does come through into something with which you are familiar.

*

In 1994, I was in the midst of all that chaos when I met a man who claimed to have some idea what it all meant. He was patently just-over-the-borderline schizophrenic, but then again, anybody with my own experiences could have been classified as that, save for my maintaining a high degree of "functioning" within modern society. He had actually heard of some of my experiences or something like them. Well it turns out they were not that unique, so probably many people had, but at the time, I didn't know that. Despite my distrust of him and his ideas personally, I listened. I looked for anything that might give me a signpost. Something to validate that it all meant something.

One day he told me about what he called the Noshaimus. I had told him about the blonde man who "was also me", with the unusually large blue slightly slanted eyes. He said there was a group of the nordics, the alleged blonde aliens, that were said to be more spiritual. He was a fanatic "Urantia Book" reader and I thought (might have been wrong) he got the term from that.

December 1994, in the middle of what I called an "Isis" experience, where "we" dug through the ice on a mountain to reach a huge gold sarcophagus containing the long-headed Egyptian-looking woman who is the 2nd of 4:

The blonde-me is looking at me, very closely, looking into my eyes, and he says very slowly, clearly and distinctly and seriously like he wants me to understand and remember: I am Noshaimus.

I woke up baffled. How did that guy's funky terminology get into my experiences with my Four?! No fair!! The Four, they were valid -- but he was a lunatic! I was really upset about it. I wrote the guy after that and told him:

Now damn it, it was going fine until your symbolism showed up in my spiritual experience! Isn't that some Urantian thing? The only place I ever heard that term was from you, though he pronounced it differently. And thanks to that, now I don't trust myself. I don't trust my own "spirituality." I don't trust that it's "valid." Now I feel like I have to distrust every experience because they're obviously being colored by external belief systems or influences on me. This makes me SO mad, because this stuff is important to me! I feel like I've tainted it with outer beliefs or something.

So from then on, I accepted that this 'other aspect of me' was of that part of the Nordics, and I still do suspect he IS, because both before and after that, I've had plenty of experiences with him that involve enough of that 'world of things' to make it kind of a no-brainer.

{I hope it's clear that the Four are spiritual entities; but they have 'many lives' as embodied, and we each perceive the others through one of those 'identities', all of which are real/alive somewhere, somewhen.}

I also had an experience where I was momentarily more-lucid-than-usual in that world--completely apart from him, mind you--and asked the woman teaching a group of us about then, were they real? And the said yeah. She said they were a genetic subset of people. But, she corrected me, they really didn't have any more altruistic concern for my people than anyone else; that part, was wishful thinking on someone's part.

Where do names and terminologies come from? If I can get the whole model of, and name of, the "12 Aeons that compose me" about 2000 years after some bloke writes it down for a little gnostic cult, should it be surprising that all kinds of "ancient names and words" might be used, correctly or incorrectly, by more modern day 'channelers' or related entities?

*

My best friend had a really powerful experience last night. He "met" my soul. Literally. She looked nothing like me but was unmistakeably me. I perceived it as a man. (He perceived it as a somewhat androgynous woman. I suspect that the soul has no innate gender and we perceive it opposite ourselves. This seems to be a given with most people who talk about 'knowledge and conversation of your holy guardian angel'.) Much like my own encounter, the most inner-amazing feeling was about the eyes. The experience moved him profoundly.

I had just earlier been praying about this; how come I haven't met my HGA directly again in so long? I'm not complaining. I can't complain about an angel. The love and calm and holiness of this... creature that is the holy core of me... puts any of that out of mind. If I have to wait a million years to see him again, I will still be honored. But... well it would be nice...

At one time, I had such a powerful draw to him, an overwhelming drive for it, a need for him. Somehow, in the last dozen years, that mellowed radically. I have not lived in the almost trembling-desperation for more of him that I had for awhile after I first encountered him.

I have consoled myself with the understanding that I was so close to 'giving in' back then, and letting my soulless body kill itself to end my awareness of being without his God-light inside me, that his joining me for a bit saved my physical life.

I didn't see him again, and not long later my whole focus and awareness changed and I seemed to just "go under a curtain of darkness" in some respects. I could literally FEEL it like there was 'a blanket of dark energy' above my crown chakra for a long time, I often spoke of this back then.

Maybe that was a mercy.

Maybe that was part of allowing me to 'rest' and 'learn'.

*

So after my friend recovered from the angelic encounter, he decided to google "HGA" (the 'Holy Guardian Angel' as it's referred to) and learn a little more about it. In the process, he stumbled on this interesting trivia. To paraphrase:

I came across the term Neshama, which to me sounded like perhaps the Noshaimus entity. The word is from QBL (Kabbalah): It is one of the three highest essences of the Human Soul, corresponding to the Sephira Binah on the Tree of Life.

I am not certain if the 'three' would be him, the Queen and Senior, or not. We are specifically Four, and we are two and two. A higher/older, lower/younger set of mates. I don't know how to get that model from the top three spheres on the tree, when I look at a picture of it.

So maybe the word is just a similar sounding thing and not really related.

But since back in '94-5, and currently, I am definitely in the midst of "dark and polarities" symbols I'm told relate to Binah, it does seem like that is some supporting evidence. For example:

April 1994:
I may as well give up on thinking at all. It's so ridiculous. Suddenly everything seems like a lie. And like deep truth. And not either of them, and sometimes both. Nothing, no word, no concept, has any fixed meaning at all. Some of the spontaneous thoughts I have are so morbidly dark, I mean quite hideous, and it's as if nothing means anything it says. Somebody can say something innocent and my mind comes up with a hundred things it means or doesn't mean, many of which are the complete opposite.

Reading books is worse: every concept seems to rest on a concept below the surface, which is the opposite, and that actually rests on something that is the opposite of that, and... I'm getting to where nothing makes sense -- yet everything makes sense, and I can't even have a conversation without all but wandering into the twilight zone.

It's as if I'm losing any ability to define things. I can't say anything is true or not true, real or not real, good or bad, right or wrong... everything seems like... everything from every perspective, all at once. How can I believe anything or hold any opinions when my perspective won't stay still?

In a way this is sort of an outward, projected version of that Nothingness experience, here things lose their definition... and from another perspective, it's almost a holographic kind of thing. Like if I traced a word or thought and what it meant, what it rested on, far enough back, I would eventually cover every word and thought there ever was.

OK what if the "Neshema" is what my mate/twin of the Four was telling me?

What if I heard something only slightly different because I had an "expectation?" Maybe I filtered or distorted it into that. I don't know.

Does this invalidate anything about the particular human-life I perceive him through as some sub-group of the Nordics? Must only one be true or the other?

Is it even possible that whole (Noshaimus) thing is real and they're named after that historical QBL thing, just like some people are named after archangels?

Ironically, the so-called Nordic aliens are even often referred to as "angelic looking". Tell me, what is it that makes us think super-blue eyed, white-haired blondes are "angelic" looking?

I questioned this back in my Bewilderness days, since my "alien" experiences introduced me to "the blondes" as I called them. I was so 'lucid' and they were often kicking my ass when I tried to escape their environment. And yet that "other me" looked awfully similar, which was just brain-crunchingly odd. And a couple months before I met "the blue eyes of soul" I met a man with eyes like that who I truly believed was an "Angel" and that blew my mind completely.

Jan 1994 (excerpted)
I saw somebody coming through the window. A blonde man. ... as he got nearer me, my body began to vibrate, I began to shake, and joy and awe overcame me. Oh my God, I thought. It must be Michael! Archangel Michael! He's real! Holy -- geeeez! He was very tall, strongly built, and his eyes were large and so very, very blue, slightly slanted. ... My body was frozen in place. I was in such awe it approached religious and sexual ecstacy combined, like being held at the upper point of orgasm and not let go; I couldn't even speak. I couldn't move. I couldn't even move my eyes. ... I was simply so overwhelmed by his presence that I was immobilized. I was fixated on his blue eyes, as if they contained me. ... I was so physically distracted I couldn't focus on anything except the visual of his eyes.

It changed my perspective without any doubt involved:

...the religious aspect of it was almost unnerving. ... Not every day do you get visited by an Angel! I was awed. ... He was a hard-core religious experience and I believed him implicitly.

But my skeptical self was really hung up on the buncha-white-guys thing:

Jan 1994

But the cynical part of me, the part that wasn't sure it believed in Angels, kicked in. What it wanted to know was, what was the connection? Why was Michael {the Angel} blonde? Why was the guy who is "me," the guy who "claimed his power," blonde also? And the fellow who beat me up in that physical seeming "captivity" dream was too. So both the good guys and the bad guys looked similar, geez, at least my subconscious could be a little clearer for convenience, you'd think! I couldn't understand why everybody was blonde. Having dark hair myself, I couldn't come up with anything in my psychology that would create that.

Jan 1994

...I guess I just can't shake my reaction to the bizarre coincidence of everybody being so damned blonde.

And finally, many months after "losing my soul" or even the delusion of such a thing, a couple months after meeting 'The Angel' as a person, I met "my core:"

March 1994
I met what I called "the blue eyes of faith" the other day. Oh god! My god! He was my Lord! He was like... gods, like this energy that WAS me, that was the most sacred part of me, it knocked my socks off, it was so exciting! I only noted his eyes for some reason, it was like somehow I "zoomed" into macro on them, connected with them, and saw nothing else. He was ME. (But he's not the blonde guy I normally see as "another aspect of me." What IS it with these white dudes anyway?) I am trembling at the thought of it. Merely thinking of him brings a flush to my body and an increase in my heart rate; a brightness inside me and a sense of glorious awe.

I felt like I met a piece of my soul, a piece I suddenly missed, suddenly realized the place for. I felt like I'd come home to God and wasn't empty, was suddenly filled with light and soul... bright light beginning as a speck in the middle of me and growing, larger and brighter, until I couldn't hold it anymore, and trembling violently had to "let go" and it spilled out of me like sunlight... I wanted to cry and cry, but I wasn't sad; I was relieved. I could feel something! He was so beautiful, so Holy, so incredible...

I love him so much the only words for my feeling is that I worship him. That's not as one-sided as it sounds. Still, for someone who hates religion that's a pretty startling admission.

Granted I'm in a more vulnerable spot for that sort of psychology than I've ever been, but... whether I wanted it or not, I don't invalidate the reality of it. He's real. He's beyond words. He's me, my innermost self, my core, my light and my love, my ultimate. And now I feel like I'm not really alone. Like there's a spark inside me, like I'm not empty, after all. I am part of other consciousness; I am part of him; I couldn't be alone if I tried. And I just cried. I couldn't quit crying. He's so beautiful. Knowing that he was there in me, he is me, he is my saving grace.

As a side effect, it makes me less afraid for my body, all this Impending Doom junk with the planet, my visions of it, I'm not so afraid anymore. I don't feel like I can be killed or separated from anything. I feel like his presence was a gift to me. I so needed it. And now I crave him and wish he would come back, please, please come back...

Do people in India meet HGA's with long dark hair and dusky skin, I wonder?

*

For those with a sense of humor who have survived this post this long: Right after meeting this "Angel of Me," was when I was told/shown/understood in a dream, plainly and by name, about the OTO -- the Ordo Templi Orientis, the magickal order of Aleister Crowley, whose entire focus turned out to be the 'knowledge and conversation of the Holy Guardian Angel' of each individual.

Talk about timing. Maybe he wanted me to give him a call.

*

Today, much like last night, I feel like I'm in a "rest-cycle pause".

But I feel "moving underneath me" energy that is much more about the angel and about "Faith" with a capital F. To be specific, it feels like THIS kind of faith:

Nov 1993 (excerpted)
There's something I realized ... I feel it's really important that I understand this:

All acceptance is by faith. Not blind faith as "trust," but faith as an absolute commitment, and when you make the latter, you realize it is the former.

Given that everything I wonder about, feel interest in, focus on, seems to show up either as experience or in "coincidence" within 12-36 hours the last few weeks, I think maybe this is some kind of built-in "preview of coming attractions."

PJ

Spirit DNA, Child of Nothing

2009-12-10T16:30:00.001-06:00

I dreamed during a timed nap during my brief lunch break.

I was part of the Four. But it was one of the rare times where it's always both 'we' and 'me' no matter who is the focus, so it's confusing to translate into linear words.

In magick there is some weird thing about 'magical child' but I don't really know anything about it except seeing it in passing. I don't see how it would relate to the following, I just thought I'd mention it.

We had a child. It was so real. Powerful. Loved. So part of us that it joined us literally. Yet somehow, it was also so non-manifest. I mean, it "was" literally. Yet it also "wasn't" literally. A sort of blackness of nothingness while also a pure light of somethingness.[1]

The 'normal' people were angry. There was a fence. Like we were separate and needed to be protected from them, from how they reacted to us.[2] We were on one side. We were three, two that created the child, and another that was somehow part child (a different one I think, yet primally related in overlap) and also part of 'we.'

We could not explain. There just were no words for it. It was simply part of who we were by nature and it was the nature of the child. The other people were accusing, something about the child, with the blackest of suspicions. (They knew it 'should' be and perhaps thought something had happened to it that we had 'done'.) The child was "not there" for them, is the thing. They could not perceive the equal "there-ness" part that we did.

My alarm went off and I woke up. I hit snooze, and relaxed, and the dream kept going, even though I was mostly awake now, but it was fading, as I let go of whatever state of mind where it lived.

I saw a paragraph in a book. It's in Hebrew, I observed.
The number 8 is important here I also observed.

Then my alarm went off again and I was really done.

This 'feel of energy' in several key places has a really distinct and very unique feeling that ties it to a dream-experience I had in the 90s. Wait, let me be more clear. I don't mean, "this symbolically relates," or, "it reminds me of." I mean, "I recognize this feeling as clearly the same." Curiously, the old dream is one of the few things from that era which, even with hindsight, I still never have understood the meaning of.

I've been reading a little bit of Thelema stuff lately, not formal docs just a forum. Which means it has that "vibe". I am feeling drawn to Archangel Michael, as I always do when I find myself mixing with others of Thelema. I wonder if it is the component of darkness I often sense in it that sparks that as a kind of defense.

Here's the old dream:

March, 1995

Crowley had realized something... there was some kind of disease? Or strange situation? Maybe not physical, maybe psychological or spiritual, which mankind was going to bring on themselves unknowingly, that could or would wipe us out, or at least be very bad. It was a huge kind of doom, something that affected our entire species and our future, and something that we were walking right into blindly. I felt we haven't yet brought it on ourselves, but it's still a potential, growing stronger all the time. But he had seen it too late, when he was too old, when he was dying; he was too weak to get somewhere to tell somebody who could help.

I tried to help him get to some place to explain it to someone, some high-level magician he thought could initiate something toward averting it or fighting it, but he was so tired, and he kept falling into pieces, physical pieces, he was just old and exhausted and in some kind of weakened condition. I kept picking up his pieces and trying to hold him together so that between us we could get to this guy and warn him. I wanted to help him, as much for him as the goal itself, but there was no point I finally began to feel, and he was about to expire so it wasn't like it threatened him personally anyway.

Abruptly next scene: Groups of us, people, are standing in lines kind of like troops, but dressed normally, somewhere in the desert. To the front of us, nothing was there, just sand as far as the eye could see. And then a giant gold Egyptian man arises from the dust. He's huge! -- like 50 feet tall, looks like a gold statue, but he's alive. He points his finger at us, and on this row of people to the far right creeps this blackness, it's like a shadow or tar or something but seems more part of the skin itself. At first I thought it would kill the people, but it didn't, it just coated them, and I leaned away, but the blackness spread to all of us.

Somehow I knew that it made us like these smaller animals [which now, awake, I'd call bats]. The blackness that is now {an integral} part of us makes us want to live at night, seek the darkness, sleep in trees, eat fruit... it will make us need inconvenient things, things that are separate from our normal culture.

I and a small group of people finally leave, and I crawl into a tree to sleep, since that seems appropriate (if inconvenient, considering my form). But as I do I tell the people below me, This'll never work. People (normal people and the government) will see us and they'll shoot us, they'll think we're horrible and gross or something, maybe we can sleep normally but stay out of sight, let's see what we can work out. In looking for a better place to sleep I found this huge gem, it was orange and cut in a pear cut, about the size of my hand, and for some reason I felt like I should eat it, as if it were a fruit--but I resisted the {odd} compulsion, aware of how dangerous it would be.

I realize suddenly there is a connection: Aleister's physical weakness seems related to this blackness, even though he didn't show any sign of having it on him. I didn't know if the blackness was weakening; or merely that his response to it weakened him; or that maybe it was to help cure the weakening -- I couldn't tell. I wasn't sure if maybe others couldn't see it on us, either... it didn't seem like something that could be washed off, it seems like it just changes the skin itself, yet it wasn't visible. {There but not there.} I don't know if it's good or bad or just "is." I'm not sure why the huge gold Egyptian guy put it on us, or how to get rid of it, or if I should.

So we have:

A thing that is a not-thing and it's both totally there yet totally not-there-at-all. The 'nature' of that blackness felt like the nature of the child in the dream today. That is a distinctive feeling. It's recognizeable. Despite that I have not run into that energy in nearly 15 years, I know the energy is one and the same.

Intense levels of nothingness and somethingness and the polarities and they are the same thing: I had a lot of that, and of polarities/same in general, during that era. A frater once told me this relates to "Binah" on the Tree of Life. There, now you know as much about Kabbalah (QBL) as I do. :-)

The next element: 'normal people' were "they". We were different creatures, and I mean *fundamentally* different. Really core. Biologically we were the same; we looked the same. But some core, key element of our nature was definitely not the same and they would sense it, and react badly.

There is actually a subtle 'background data' here that I missed initially. Our (me-we-they in the dreams) nature is like... it feels like, normal people are programmed to recognize this, at some very unconscious but core/genetic level. It's difficult to put into words. As if it was intentionally coded in for some reason.

When I had that first '95 dream I was disturbed. Was the blackness a bad thing? Or just 'alchemical symbolism'?

I was now "a creature of the dark" literally, hahaha! Wait, that isn't funny...

I was "part of carrying on Crowley's intent," is how one frater interpreted it, and he interpreted the black as "something which would be hiding/ suppressing something in me or in my life for some time." Well maybe he was right, and it did, and I'm just picking that energy up years later.

The odd part is this: My work with 'The Four' has always been about ME, without regard to the thread-of-dark, crowley-occultism that has ran through my life esp. in '94-95. The whole Thelemic world of stuff, of identities, entities, experiences, was always kind of its own world in a way.

True, the Four experiences have always been filled with massive magickal symbolism, I mean all over the place. So in that they overlap. And, in my first meeting with the 3rd of Four (my mate/twin), I did have a ton of obvious Order symbolism, but I felt (later) that was a "foreshadowing", not something related to us in the Four. Of course, my 'vision' of him when I first met him, was narrated by a human-sized crow, hahaha! So maybe there IS a major Crowley tie-in. Hard to grok, since I have never heard any other Thelemite talking about the Four stuff.

However, those energies, aside from the 'symbolism' of things, have never mixed in my experience of them. The Four are holy and central to ME, without regard to anything else. It wouldn't matter if I were Baptist or Occultist or Buddhist--that is the core of me, period. Frankly all those details are trivial next to the nature of my soul.

So I am astounded that this dream was centered in The Four and yet has that rather dark-Thelema-energy feel running through it, much like that old dream. That singular feeling. It's a little unsettling.

This energy had a weird vibe even the first time and 15 years later still does.

**

In rereading the above I had a 'sponsored insight' as I am calling 'helpful additions to my awareness' today:

Notice that the people only perceived the nothing-state of the Being. Your people perceived both states equally, and so, understood its reality. Ask yourself: why did the other people not perceive the something-state of it, instead? Even if they could only perceive one polarity, why was it that one?

I guess that's a good question but I have no idea what the answer is. Since someone inside me is asking, I guess I should meditate on this and see if some kind of insight arrives about it. Right now the whole thing just seems bizarre and confusing, although it is probably educational if I could just figure it out.

[Note: I think in the dream they felt the other polarity existed, they just could not perceive it, which only emphasized the nothingness they DID perceive.)

***

The name 'Choronzon' arrived inside me in conjunction with the 'why' as I was reading through the above. It's feeding through me. Something about... nothingness. His nature. Their nature. People see the world not as it is, but as they are. I *think* that name is part of the 'abyss' symbolism. I wouldn't even know this except I recently skimmed something on a forum that mentioned this. At least I think that's it, I'll have to google it. No, wait. If I do then I'll invalidate everything I get related to stuff I read. Never mind.

Since that so-called Abyss experience was the nothing/something experience (in part), and related to the 'polarities' stuff I went through afterward, I guess that would make sense.

But wait, no, it doesn't: Because there was this underlying vibe as if they (the others/people) are living there, like in his realm or they are of his people, or... something. That is why they see that aspect of the child. They don't see the light. Oh, that's it! I feel: They don't see the LIGHT. The something-ness IS light.

The Nothingness... is Nuit, dark, 'empty space'. (Actually, that's wrong of course, I know from the experience; that IS 'something'; but it's the closest concept model our brains/language can do to actual Nothingness.)

The people only see the dark polarity: the nothing-ness. But our nature is fundamentally different. We know both. It sets us apart. They will know us as different from them. They will fear what they cannot understand. They are... triggered, coded... to fear this, to react to this if they see it.

No maybe I am making that part up. It is a "subtle thread running through my gut" that seems to run "underneath" all this other stuff. Maybe it is a different energy meaning and I am just translating it wrong.

My brain hurts. OK I think I kind of get it, as dream symbolism. But how does this relate to my life, my spirituality, or whatever? I mean it's not like I'm going to turn into a bat, or be burned at the stake.

Right? Geez, I hope.

***

It's funny how I can be doing something, whether it is thinking or talking about something, or just working, and repeatedly ignoring something in my head. It comes up again and again and I say, basically, "That's silly" or "I'm imagining that" and I stuff it back down again. It comes up for the zillionth time and I'll finally go, "Oh, that. Well ok, I see, maybe that matters or means something."

It is so hard for me to wrap my head around this still. I see now that I am used to IGNORING like 99.99% of everything in my head at all times. It is filtered harshly by specific environ/action-related stuff in my physical life, or daydreams. Nothing else is allowed.

This reminds me of when I work on my chakras, it get so *noisy*. I hear so much noise it is almost like a background of chaos, usually just under the surface but always there, sometimes intruding. Like there are several overlapping or too-close next door 'realities' and I am simply hearing the mundane events of them -- voices in boring conversations, cars and doors and so on. Sometimes there is a sudden shockingly loud noise (like say, the roll-door on a big truck slamming hard right next to me), and my body LEAPS into the air startled, heart racing, but my mind goes, "Not in this reality, ignore that," and the only times I even catch this is like 5 seconds AFTER that happened and I ignored it and went on, and then -- only when I'm working on "being aware" or doing a lot of remote viewing -- do I realize what just happened. I perceive it always, I think; I react physically always, I think; I am actually consciously aware of the perception and my 'auto-filtering' rarely though.

In turn that reminds me of a super profound dream-set I had in the mid 90s where, near the end of the 3rd dream, I was (in totally-conscious astral form) walking through a big supermarket. I'd had to go there to find someone and I found them in the back and when finished with them (in a freight elevator) I walked through double-doors into the meat/dairy section where the people were and walked through the store toward the doors. I could see all the shoppers who were there "for real in the real world" though I understand I was only astral. But I could see their "third eyes." Every time I see this, it looks the same, but not like I see it in paintings and such. Of course I believe my experience over everyone else's theory. :-)

It is a sphere slightly smaller than a pool ball (the table-game like billiards), and the middle of it goes right through the bone of the forehead so half is 'inside' the head, half is outside. It is located higher than the indian red dots by the way, but not quite in the exact middle of the forehead, down lower just a little bit. The "sphere" is like a super-intense, zillion-thin-layered onion-of-dense-energy. And it spins in every direction, super fast, constantly. And somehow it is super "expressive" too, emotionally, like you can get tons of information from it, on many levels, this is impossible to put into words.

Never mind why for now (I swear there was cause) but in that case, since I had just done someone great intentional harm and in a psychic sense was probably covered with blood or something, I could see the forehead chakra of the shoppers look at me and "recoil in horror" emotionally. The shoppers were oblivious -- but their bodies often reacted, suddenly changing direction a little, pulling back, getting an unhappy look on their face. They were not consciously aware of it, but they WERE perceiving it and their body was reacting to it.

The point being that the brain is constantly "filtering" because it HAS to, it should. It's just that our brain filters everything out. I guess it is probably a real chore to work with each chakra and/or the brain on what to filter and what not to filter from 'attention'.

What I was ignoring was this:

I keep getting the repeating impression of four things, a sense of small and together and 'primary' or... foundational... and one of them is changed, like it gets switched 'on' like a light in a way the others aren't. But not just light, it's like 'pure life' or something. By this happening, it changes the fundamental nature of all of them because they are "four-in-one."

There is a tile-mosaic of four colors in a long winding double helix that leads to the castle where the Four hang out. Not coincidence, perhaps, because this impression really feels like DNA, rather literally.

Maybe the DNA thing of the Four is just symbolic, not literal. I think... I think I am psychologically opposed to considering it literal. (Being 9-15 nationalities, depending on who you ask, I am somewhat sensitive to the genetic/bloodline stuff our world often has; I'm just a mutt!) Maybe it is more a "genetics of soul" that everyone has. Perhaps physical DNA is merely a mirror of an energetic or spiritual counterpart of that. Actually that would make a lot of sense.

Maybe when the mate/twin had his "awakening" in late 1993 and it woke ME up just by inner-proximity, and he was the one 'visible' in the powerful dream where he was 'hidden away' so long and I had been the anchor to 'awaken' him... maybe it's him. The one of the four, I mean. (THE ONE. Hahahaha.) I would assume it's the Senior instead -- he is the most powerful and aware by far. But maybe there is some other innate quality involved (I can see the DNA aspect is rolling into this) and he of our Four is the one that has it. Or not. Who knows? Who cares??

What does this have to DO with ANYTHING?!

I don't know. I said I would blog insights, thoughts, experiences, dreams, visions, and meditations, so I am. But right this dream and all the following insights and its tie to the previous dream and era of energy ... I really don't know the "why" for any of it. Here's hoping it is eventually useful to some part of me, someday.

PJ

Magickal Diaries

2009-12-10T06:22:00.001-06:00

I used to keep a handwritten journal--eons ago. It took forever. I type ~120wpm so obviously that's faster. But there's something to be said for hand-writing and sketching.

About seven years ago when I returned to remote viewing, I started using science "Laboratory Notebooks." I had a dozen made with 'Remote Viewing' on the cover. (I'm such a nerd!)

I sometimes used them like 'magickal diaries'. I would not only put in my RV session, and then a lot of notes on the process, feedback and thoughts, but I would write down my thoughts, prayers, coincidences, impactive dreams, etc. Not often. But on the occasion when I did this, I always felt "closer to myself." Like paying more attention to myself mattered.

I've really been working on focus, and the last four days have been even more "in the center" than the last few weeks. It feels almost exponential. At some point I will spontaneously combust, maybe. (I suspect a lot more chakra work is necessary first. I'm still nearly in the deadzone in that regard.) But my obsessive blogging is my way of "paying attention".

Since two nights ago when I made some commitments and moved my 'meditation sacred space' into the real world, I have also been praying and occasionally talking in-head to various identities I work with and asking for more direct contact, more conscious awareness and communication, more of this energy merged in with my day. Because the reality is that I am not really merged with a given energy and awareness if it is only allowed during my occasional meditative periods. Bringing this into my ongoing daily awareness is what is required, I understand that now.

It seems to be working. I spent most of yesterday oblivious, ignoring and rejecting every "sudden insight" and "novel ideal" and "spontaneously creative framework" that went past me. Not until the evening did I realize what I was doing. In the period between that and this morning, I had (by coincidence) a notebook and pencil open next to me. I wrote down a few things so I wouldn't forget. Some are "ideas" but the way they came across seems like it wasn't the ordinary 'intellectual norm' of me, in part because they arrive as a sudden completely packaged-in-furled-ball manner.

* A long flash of a woman or girl's back of hand with a small blue tattoo on it. It is either just pen-drawn or a hand-drawn tattoo. It is like an "F" shape except the horizontal lines are longer, the top one dips in the middle and the bottom one rises in the middle. I ignore this and then about two seconds later I think, "Wait! Wait, that matters -- that was a communication, though I don't know what it means. Write that down!" P.S. Later I looked to see if this was a Rune as it reminded me of that general alphabet look. Not quite. There's one similar but both extensions go the same direction. I wondered if it could be a constellation shape. Or a shape like how Ithikah's 'name' is actually a shape. Who knows?

* Combine the blogs, separately but all on palyne.com in folders. Better software for the blogs and better integration and everything is in my control and databased.

* "CHAKRAS AS ENTITIES". I don't know what this means or why I got it but it came through with a big emphasis as if it was important that I "consider this concept."

This made me realize that a small journal of some kind that can handle sketching and brief snippets of notes, is important. Most people can't/won't blog so much. Even I can't always until much later. Attempting to be "more aware" throughout the day of individual ideas and thoughts and such -- there is no way to pay proper attention to that, not forget it, maybe meditate on it later, if you don't write it down at the time, I mean in the middle of doing other stuff (like work, shopping, etc.) it is just not possible to hold it in your mind while dealing with 'reality'.

I think this is part of what some of the famous philosophers used their little moleskin notebooks for. Always with them, so insights and ideas could be jotted down.

Off to work now.

PJ

Whack-a-Mole!

2009-12-10T03:15:00.001-06:00

Ha! The first tiny symptoms of actually getting what I asked for in my 'commitment' meditation are showing up. So far... I didn't even realize it until now and today I've been oblivious. Now I realize, I have been reacting like it's metaphysical Whack-A-Mole! or something.

Hey, what is that doing in my reality?! Whack!!

A bit ago, I randomly (sort of) thought of my right leg (I forget why but there was some reason). This made me remember the archmed I once did on that and the amazing initial visual. Then I thought of the vast amount of STUFF in my right leg from toes to hip when you look at it from a macro level -- it's really quite amazing when you think about it, even as its own 'thing'.

It's a whole world on its own I thought, at the same time as inside my head, a 'small planet with amazing colorful social spaceport' image + concept bloomed, replete with the sense of moving hovercars and more below. I thought to myself, Oh, well THAT's imaginative! Hey, drop that or it'll screw up your next archmed. Remember you wanted to try that again. If you make up stuff, your med might pick up that complex fantasy symbolism, instead of whatever was natural to the archmed.

Then I felt inside, like a corrective answer (is this IG responding to my pleading to talk to me more pointedly during normal life?): That IS what is natural! Consider that you may get more natural and more detail when you are not paying such attention, like this when it's spontaneous, than when you are waiting expectantly for an archetype in a formal meditation.

I also felt: You asked IG to work more proactively with you in your waking life, yet the minute you start pulling more of that energy into your waking life, you start invalidating it, and even making plans for how to prevent it having any effect on your future!

Huh. Why is it formal archetype work can be anything, no matter how moronic (bubbles of worlds? Puhleeze!) but if I get spontaneous imagery as part of my daily life I consider it ridiculous? It's an archetype, it's symbolism, it is not expected to be literal! Why should I be so judgemental? Actually, even using logic on it, since since legs are powerful primary 'foundation', a whole small planet is a decent symbol, and since they are primary 'locomotion' and usually vertical, a spaceport is also a decent symbol. There's tons of activity through them in many areas, on many levels, every minute of the day, so the sense of tons of small things going back and forth makes sense as a symbol too.

But here I've already got this whole left brain critique of whatever spontaneous imagery/concept comes through, because I was not officially standing in my inner world doing an archetype meditation. Uh huh. If it happens inside an archmed it is Official and spontaneous creativity and if I have no active conscious participation in it, that is fabulous. Outside an archmed, I am imagining things and that's SO impractical and ridiculous and 'fantasy'.

And after all that about shifting to here-now, to this-world functioning without needing a 'separate mental space', to not needing formal meditation blocks of time in order to work with that energy, etc. Now I see that when this really DOES arrive just as I requested, I am promptly very resistant to it.

I think there is something I hadn't considered about this request and shift of focus. A great deal of my "functionality" -- the fact that most people would never suspect I talk to entities inside me constantly, because I seem (and am, actually!) so logical and practical in other respects -- is because I have learned to keep the "pieces of me" separate (as I once put it when discussing how I'd kept my online identities separate, in the past).

It occurs to me this is a good analogy to my opinion on remote viewing as practiced by many people I've met. They don't really allow themselves to be psychic and are quite threatened by that in fact, but they are able to create a special ritual during which it is "ok" to allow that in themselves, under certain conditions. When that first went public the alleged experts actually insisted it wasn't psychic, how totally retarded is that!--but they'd been brainwashed to allow it as the 'exception' in their lives under that model: it wasn't them, it was the method of how they wrote it down. Psi wasn't a constant river of Jungian stew rushing through you, a constant challenge and threat and novelty; no, it only happened IF you sat down and did the hokey-pokey like so. Whew, we're safe!

I think maybe I have a corrolate to that myself with archetype work. What is easier and more common than 'imaginative interaction' in daily life?--good heavens, I began this big focus-phase a month or so ago by working to catch and stop negative daydreams, so obviously 'constant creative interaction' is a given! And yet I've limited my useful creative interaction to formal meditation, while the natural constant flow of creative interaction the mind does, I have either ignored (and misused) for years (in daydreams), or tried to stomp out entirely recently (gee it's kinda starting to sound like an analogy for sex/masturbation too, isn't it? -- maybe "creative energy interaction" has a few analogies).

I'll keep working on it.

P.S. And now to get really mundane... today, Imeem.com died. I won't touch myspace which bought it, instantly shut it down, and then redirected me a page telling me I'd be eventually set up on their music site. Get lost! I have taken up slacker.com radio in response. I typed in a search for 'shannon' (and chose the song by henry gross from the 70s, just a spontaneous idea, who knows why!) and it's been tons of 70s "laid back" music. Dr. Hook, Stephen Bishop, Christopher Cross, England Dan and John Ford Coley, Bread, Firefall, Little River Band, America, kickback stuff like that. (I'm dating myself with that of course. ;-)) I haven't had time to do any more exploring. This is another variant on lastfm.com which is 'internet radio' (lastfm has a little 'browser status bar app' so you don't need a window open, kinda neat). This one has commercials (!) -- but very limited. This has portable access for ipod freaks of course. I also use -- more akin to imeem in approach of choosing specific songs and playlists -- grooveshark.com.

PJ

Archmed: Perspective

2009-12-09T23:58:00.001-06:00

If I, as a person, am "storing some toxins" in my body -- let us say emotional biochemical not vented, stored under the myelin sheath of the nerve, such as the model of Johnson's Biogram -- I would have to store them somewhere.

It doesn't matter that your leg or wrist or 3rd spinal vertebrae did not have that emotion, at least as perceived (that caveat is critical). They might be the storage depot for that particular energy. More energy mapped to that energy/issue will store there too. Stuff enough biochemical in there, long term without venting, and all kinds of unpleasant results ensue, starting with psychological issues (denial/avoidance) and continuing into physical problems.

Why this is so--nobody knows. Dr. Johnson was working on psychocartography -- mapping the body to the mind -- when I studied with him and still when he passed away some years later. There was enough corroboration with 'common sayings' (especially historical, when culture was a little less abstract), and with 'psychological profiles of disease', and with the BG therapy and visualizations and effects, to testify there was something to it:

The body is the subconscious "manifested". The body isn't so much a 'map' as 'the territory itself' -- but most people have a hard time grokking that.

If your shoulder aches, your thighs are too big, your face is too flat, your eyes are myopic, those biological manifestations have an equivalent in the psychology, and if you're open minded you'll find that has an equivalent on a more esoteric level too. Find any one level that you can face, and you might be able to heal the other.

Well, maybe. Or like me you'll just have insight into the fact that they're related, and good tools for inquiry, but still have fat thighs 17 years later. Nobody ever said learning and doing were the same thing. I may live only to serve as a warning to others...

The energy body is just as real as the one we know better. Actually, 'energy body' is a ridiculous misnomer when you think about it. Even the physical body is just vibrating energy. There is no difference in your elbow and your astral elbow but their frequency, and the fact that one hurts like hell when you slam it into something.

The self is a whole "spectrum". I call it 'The Rainbow of Soul' which is such a great woo-woo phrase. The red band is the physical body as we know it. The spectrum from that to the 'mental' (yellow) band is the 'orange' band -- the so-called "astral body." (Which as a term I suppose is more accurate than 'energy body' or at least not as redundant.) Bottom line though, just because we don't normally see or feel it, doesn't mean it isn't physical in its own sense--it is, just not as "densely" as the one we know.

Everything is energy at root. So when you store a physical toxin such as in your leg, that is an 'energy' that affects the 'other levels of you too'. Not all of them, but at least those closer to the physical plane. I'm going somewhere with this, bear with me.

Until recently, I never wondered "where" my energy problems, blocks, repressions, distortions, wounds, or other "issues" were "located". Mind you I did think a lot about where my physical and emotional 'issues' were 'located' physically years ago when I was into Biogram study. But not about the less tangible energy issues. (Or, tangible but I do not recognize that manifestation as them, or it is below my radar for biology effect.)

I notice a funny tendency in both me and in stuff I read by others, to do this sort of vague hand-waving generality-without-locality when it comes to metaphysical "energy issues." The funny thing is that even left-brain retentive sorts like me, who will just nail the hell out of people being even slightly illogical in other topics, sometimes when it comes to metaphysics, it's like a lot of practical thought just goes out the window.

I think it's because a lot of metaphysics requires such suspension of disbelief to function that once you gain this as a skill, one tends to OVER-do it. It is a lot more difficult to find the sliding scale and fine lines and so on.

Say that I have some problem, who knows what in this example, but it's an 'energetic' problem at base. (Well, all things are, yes, but let's say we can't "see" any physical correlate besides some emotional issue that makes one react with upset to something.) I go on blithely talking about this energy, the 'archetype' that is the sum-composite-manifestation of that energy in my imaginal realm, the energy that I 'deal with' or 'let go of' or whatever. But I never until recently wondered:

What is being affected by this energy besides me?
"Where" is this 'energy issue' taking place in terms of the larger universe?
Are there are other landscapes and life forms, geometries or other things, in the "frequencies" where that particular energy is obnoxiously residing?

In the early-mid 90s I had a meditation that showed me a shift in "perspective" that related to this.

My life had all these sudden traumas. Big problems. Stuff I worried horribly about. Why oh why was the universe DOing this to me?? It was so unfair. I was so angry at all of it, about it, at life itself. I was archetype meditating on it all as a whole one night, in a deep trance. I was working with the archetype which I couldn't even see very well when it happened.

It was as if the archetype or something grabbed me by the feed and flipped me upside down very suddenly. And when it happened, my entire "perspective" seemed to flip upside down as well. I could hear these terrible cries, these wails of such lonely agony it sparked my heart chakra in mercy, and in desperation to save those poor sweet things, I rushed toward this totally dark area from where I heard it coming.

I found myself in what seemed like a very small outdoor prison area, a little like some big animal keeps have, every cell made of stone, with bars. (I was familiar with something akin to this and with variations it took that form.) It was dark, but I could see just enough. I ran to each cage, and the moment I began, I understood with horror and grief that _I_ had imprisoned these creatures, and that their wailing cries, in that dimension, were the 'manifested problems' in MY dimension. And instead of responding to the 'cries of pain' -- the 'cry for attention' -- I had been angry at them for inconviencing me.

{All pain is a cry for attention. Why do we often accept this when it's physical, but not when it's on other levels or types of manifestation? - P}

When I was done, I went to the gathered group of them, feeling such apologetic, blown-away feelings about the whole thing. They forgave me, and I 'understood' from touching them, that it was pieces of energy I had at some point taken, and kind of "bound up inside me," as if to keep it for myself and from others selfishly, and then or later in response to their earlier cries, I had "stuffed it down deep" -- suppressed this energy so it did not have expression -- and it was lonely. It was part of the universe cut off or unflowing, and it needed to be part of it, the way a small child needs a mother but worse. It was I who had transgressed against them.

Right up until I'd been flipped upside down, I had been so angry, feeling that all these events were 'doing something' to ME. As if I had not a damn thing to do with it and they were so unjust. But I ended up crying and apologizing and feeling such love for them my whole chest just pulsed with it.

Within a few days every seemingly impossible situation totally resolved, even though I couldn't even imagine how it could possibly ever be ok.

Now I assume that this is "modeling." I mean, I figure nothing or almost-nothing is "literal" in the inner world, right. Surely there were not 'entities of energy' that were "trapped in stone and bar prison cages in the dark." I assume this is just a creative world, in human-modeling, that my mind helped create in that imaginal middle-realm, much as I assume it surely must be that way for the old Captain of the Guard experience (although that was a 'spontaneous insight' not an archetype meditation).

But still it leaves the question: if we have some "problem energy", whether it is only perceived by us as metaphysical, or is stronger and is also perceived as psychological, or is really dense and actually manifesting physically... what is going on at the 'level' where that particular energy (frequency) vibrates?

What world, what possible life, is being affected by a bum knee, or a fear of spiders?

Is it possible that for all the obnoxious results we may see in our reality, that it's a whole lot worse or more direct at the level where that energy is directly manifesting?

This is just something I was thinking about earlier.

***

So I spent awhile just... "being and talking" with Nero and IG. Not in an official "doing something" meditation. Just asking them for a variety of things and griping to them as if they were sympathetic friends who had nothing better to do than hear my rambling angst.

They did give me some feedback but I don't remember it all much.

At one point I looked at Nero and said, Is it energy? Do you need more energy to be more proactive with me or get through to me better? I'll give you energy, no problem! He seemed to protest about that not being it, but I was distracted by the input from my cynical mind, Great. He's like the 'friends' in real life that seem like friends, but in one respect or another you kinda gotta pay to associate with them. That kinda made both of us laugh. Then before he could say anything else I blurted out a formal prayer that was like a blank check for energy allotment as needed. Then I said, There you see? I'm actually BRIBING you. So get to work! and we both found that amusing. It's always interesting to me to feel 'humor' from some internal identity.

I do remember at one point getting the feeling that just like the Four and the Aeons were introductions that needed to happen, and that in fact I deeply wanted I just didn't know it, that this new inner identity with the bizarre name in English (Ackrck) was along those same lines. That if I were serious about growth, I would quit asking and requesting and pleading of everything and everyone, and then instantly rejecting and bitching about anything spontaneous that comes through. I had a pretty strong sense that this is a pattern with me, and that -- well they don't feel "exasperation" but it was something mildly akin to that.

***

I did the Aeon round this morning and it took me 4x as long and I had to drag myself back to every one of them repeatedly. I could not keep my brain focused for the 20 seconds it takes each, repeatedly. I couldn't believe it. I've never had it be anywhere near that difficult.

This afternoon I went to see my mate/twin of The Four and made some official requests and security/resistance "override" commands in me for him.

I was going to meditate this evening, but passed out before I could. Now I wake up at some ungodly hour, gah. Stay up, eat, then be tired an hour into work? Or try to sleep and likely fail? I know, I should try to meditate on something hard. That'll knock me right out. :-)

PJ

Archmed: '94 Dream Symbol (left hand)

2009-12-09T02:16:00.003-06:00

In 1994 I had a very powerful dream that included this symbol:

I noted that somehow his death had cut my left hand in a couple of places. Deeply, and it bled thick and dark like molasses...

I told IG I wanted to meditate on that, on the wounding, on the hand and blood, on that overall energy, as I made myself comfortable and waited for the archetype.

IG: Are you sure?

Me: What? Wait, you of all people are hesitant to give me an archetype?! Yes, I'm sure.

She's so weird at the most unexpected times, I swear. We move on, and the archetype is instantly in motion, some impossibly tall, really thick writhing, a sky-high column maybe two feet in diameter that is sinuous and twisting and covered with huge barbed thorns.

I put a forcefield around it to keep it still so it won't run into me, and then realize I forgot something. Hold that thought! I tell it, and do a quick "cleansing" visualization, then come back to it. I work on pouring good energy into it to dissolve the thorns on it, until it is smooth.

It has "calmed down" now so I release the forcefield and put my hands on it and do the rain of love, light of love, wind of love, flowing over both of us together, and each one makes it smaller.

I don't really get any rushing during any of this. I feel like it's working, I just don't "feel" the result kinesthetically.

Finally I'm looking at something that is just a kind of a 'sinuous bar of light', much like the first thing but no thorns and a reasonable size and cleaner/clearer somehow, with a really dense feeling that reminds me of hardened steel but not, and it's about ten feet tall, and slowly undulating. I stare at it, wondering what it reminds me of, when it clicks: Kundalini. Yeah, that's definitely what it's acting and looking and feeling like.

I ask if it will merge with me and it does, but although the merge seems to "work", I don't really feel much.

Huh. And here IG had me thinking this was going to be some butt-kickingly powerful thing.

Me: This was no harder than any other meditation. And I don't even really feel anything sensually although it seems to be working. What part of this was supposed to be hard?

IG: There are other effects resulting from opening up this energy.

I shrug. Probably kundalini, given the symbol, but who cares, I need to be working on chakra health anyway. So I wrap it up and that's that.

Oh! I forgot to mention: Brin came for this! My former outer guide that I released. I was astounded! He implied-via-energy that this issue was something rooted in his time of working with me and so it had called his attention. That's the first time I've seen him since he left.

I did the nightly Aeon round then. And said a prayer I wrote for daily, to really feel and focus on, just to make sure all this bizarre internal cosmology isn't dragging me off the point of it all:

Dear God. Please help me to best use my relationship with the Four, my Aeons, and any other identities, to learn about myself and you. Please arrange my growth and change to best serve Divine Will. Amen.

Then I did an impromptu prayer to God about Ackrck and his femine also/other-self, asking specifically that they not be allowed to interact with me unless this communication or relationship served Divine Will and what was positive for me.

I was going to do something else but I fell asleep, whoops. Got too comfortable I guess.

PJ

Aeons, Archons, more Gnostic stuff

2009-12-09T01:10:00.001-06:00

I was recently skimming through parts of Bewilderness, a '93-95 case study I put together for a therapist friend back then. I put it online in '96 as it was easier than printing it and I was not driven to make any attempt to publish it. It's filled with dreams, visions, psychic experiences, alien and entity experiences, and other general confusion of that era, although interestingly, it seems so much less confusing now. Here's hoping my world of today will seem less confusing in the future, too!

I found a couple of impactive dream symbols from that era that I wanted to do archetype meditations on. They seemed like powerful symbols that cried out for more attention. Better late than never, right?! One involved 'the Four'. So I copied a paragraph of them out to my e-post-its (called "stickies" if you want to search for the free software - it's cool, has an 'alarm' function too!) for working.

As some coincidence, later maybe half a day after collecting those, while waiting for my work computer to do something, I typed into google and ended up with a page which, I kid you not, actually maps out this entire "The Four" and "The 12 Aeons" and even, this one kinda blew my mind, what I called geometric conceptual linguistics in BW back then and he calls geometric language. AND even mentions the context of the dream I'd just been reading! Holy cow!

Mind you, mine is all 'experiential' and his is all 'doctrinal and theoretical', but it's the same stuff. I think his 4/12 stuff is assuming it's doctrinal storytelling and not applicable to people today just like the previous stuff on wiki I found. And I think his geo-language stuff is only presenting the concepts in a 2-D format and worse based on English (good luck dude), but I believe even if only subconsciously, he really is "getting" somehow that language is a geometry and sound occupies 3D+ geometric space, and trying to map one to the other, almost a sort of new creative form of Gematria in my mind; it might not work but the concept is great. Maybe I am attributing more to his website than is really there, in a way, but it worked for me.

Remember I had mentioned finding the term 'Aeon' in wiki talking about 'Sethian Gnostics', but the stuff I read was just confusing, frustrating, and didn't seem to be talking about what I was apparently (I think I confused Aeons with Archons in the speedreading), so I shrugged it off. Well that was mostly because it was talking about it in terms of some singular, at the beginning, some obscure divine entity was like so way, not about people, me, everyone.

Well, I guess he's just talking about the same stuff. But I interpreted it differently. Although it was referring to 'the first perfect man' and 'Christ' -- which I am definitely not claiming to be, good heavens -- I feel this must be something which exists as potential (or reality) for everybody. I don't know why the Gnostic stuff acts like it's just some doctrine about in the beginning. What ever happened to As above, so below and to created in His image? IMO this is about being human, obviously, if I've got it. Not my fault that apparently they were oblivious to this. Anyway but his page put it together and I realized the Gnostic stuff does actually apply, which makes the Consortium being called 'Aeons' quite literal, and actually kinda blows my mind now, that I got that obscure term, which turns out to be the right one. I mean really that is weird and it's sort of... validating, in a way.

So on his site, which seems clearer than wiki had been, I was reading how each person is a part of four Aeons of light that make a larger being (perhaps?) and that they are 'composed of' (literally, just like mine come across) twelve Aeons. These are presented as something akin to entities. Oh yeah and he represented the 12 as constellations in his image -- just as they showed me when I first met them. (He has names and concepts assigned them... I don't see how that maps to those I know. Maybe a little but not so literally.)

Allegedly the 'first' Aeon of light is "hidden away" -- to "protect them from the attention of the Archons," who would otherwise have them on their radar and mess with them before they were ready to come into their own. That part matters in a minute, from the dream.

I might be oversimplifying but this is what I got from his website, which is so left-brain, filled with obscure geometry everywhere, all of which I really did not understand at all, that part of my mind ran screaming into the night. If I ignore that like the other Gnostic stuff it keeps implying that either anyone having this, or the only one having this, is "the Christ" -- I dispute that part, since quite obviously I've got this structure and I'm a proletarian -- it works beautifully.

To see the page where I found this, scroll down to the first big pic area, that whole intro, here.

Anyway, one of the dreams I'd taken a symbol from to work with, was all about sort of 'hiding' out of sight for protection, to be allowed to develop without being on the radar of some others, and that I had 'woken' this 'part of me' up, and it was some huge thing like bringing on end-times in some fashion, really cosmic 'biblical' level stuff which some of my experiences have been. I had not seen THAT part in the wiki stuff at least that got my attention.

That seemed like coincidence, that I'd just finished reading that dream and capturing part of it for meditative work, and then found his page mentioning that in addition to the 4 and the 12 'Aeons'. Though I note coincidence is increasing daily lately.

I did an archmed on the dream symbol (which was quite underwhelming actually) but I will blog that separately.

Here's the old dream. The archetype symbol I wanted was the part about my left hand.

A vision-dream, so strong it made me yearn for him/me, took me this afternoon when I took a nap. Thought I'd inflict it on you, I often tell you of the ones that involve any of the "four aspects of me."

He was gaining strength. We were in some kind of "Highlander" theme I guess, where people competed, got their heads chopped off, and the energy of their deaths was [eaten] by others. The blonde me was there, in the cloak type clothing I often see him in for one reason or another. He was the man. There were other men, competitive men.

I might have shifted in time; I was watching him stalk a certain man, whereupon he deliberately let his own head get cut off, though he took the other guy's at the same time. I noted that somehow his death had cut my left hand in a couple of places. Deeply, and it bled thick and dark like molasses, but I couldn't seem to feel it physically.

I thought, "Well that's that I guess, he's certainly dead now!" but someone said urgently, "No, that's just it! You don't understand! He is come back. This was his way of [throwing all enemies off the track] for so long...." and I suddenly understood what was meant: he had "folded up inside himself," as if he had hidden within the cavity of his rib bones (?!) and seen his body (including himself) buried deeply, on purpose, where nobody would know where he was. Knowing that when the time was right, he would unbury himself; that somehow he was not permanently dead but temporarily, deliberately so which for some reason was different, and that allowed him freedom.

The guide almost gave me the impression that he was a "bad guy" and yet simultaneously, a "good guy;" something like, there was only going to be one way for [someone/him] to deal with things at a certain point considered an "end time" or some such; it required that he be believed dead, so that things could develop as they would without the threat of his influence; as if they would hunt him down (again) for his power, do something that could take his autonomy away... so this way he could come back unexpectedly and defeat some conqueror or accomplish something... or some such thing that only he had the ability to do, him this man from "times of old". (And I mean really old, not centuries but millenia, thousands of years.)

But I was ambivalent, since somehow I knew that I was a big part of waking him up, I was his "anchor" specifically for this reality, physicality, and "time," and this guide made it sound like waking him up was my duty, I'd done it -- and it was like I was personally helping to bring on the end of my world as I knew it (like armageddon) or some such thing.

Commitment

2009-12-08T20:08:00.005-06:00

Tonight after work was a big meditation in some respects. I feel a number of things have changed within me that will be changing the nature of some of this from now on.

Altered state via brainsync, several in a loop for this. Opened the plateau space, went to tree, talked to IG. Let us continue what we were doing with the education on mental... whatever. The pod/booth appears around me and I relax and close my eyes as the colors start to staccato flash around me. I sense it's gone and I open my inner eyes to the same world. The bubbles haven't arrived yet, but I 'feel' they will be coming.

Ackrck was there. No, I told IG. I don't know him. I don't want that. I forced him to some distant locale to stand there, stubborn. It's confusing. I don't know why I need yet more confusing identities.

While we wait (for the worlds to arrive), I work to keep my head straight. Lots of stuff is arriving in my head for some reason. I wonder if this is IG helping 'educate' me via 'practice'. I start getting lost in it, taken away with this or that idea or memory sparked by something. I imagine an anchor, and with it, 'Will' attaches me to this space like a magnetic anchor through my middle. Ideas to entities to offbeat shapes and what seems like mental noise start to bombard me at more rapid speed. I decide there is a better way to handle this. It's like when you're juggling. You can't pay attention to everything or you screw it up. You have to relax, center yourself, and let your subconscious handle it. So I imagine that while "I" am anchored, some 'other part of me' deals with each of those things, like I have "tentacles of Aeons" and THEY can deal with it. Hey, tentacles, like the top of the buildings from that world, is where I got that idea, I see. That works.

I realize a body-shaped entity made of something almost akin to water or felt like that was suddenly 'through' mine, and she said something to me as I 'felt' her but not in body, I only felt her mentally. Something about energy and me and her, as if I was... feeding her. But it was a good thing it felt, not a bad thing, but it got my attention. I had allowed her by default, but why? She felt like him. She was turned oddly, like her head out my shoulder, her feet out my thigh on other side, but it feels like a geometry, like we are two of the shapes that make some larger form. But I don't know her, I realize, all the sudden noticing I had kind of assumed something and not been thinking clearly enough. I reject her, forcibly imagine she is some distance away from me. She's not Ackrck! I say half-accusingly to IG. At first somehow I thought she was. IG doesn't seem upset or to have an opinion. She is, in a sense, and not, also, IG says.

IG doesn't normally talk a lot and it occurs to me with some humor that she is as singularly unhelpful as most 'spiritual entities' at the moment. IG I don't want this right now I said. I cannot doubt myself at this point, it's important I keep the faith in myself and my experience. And some new entity(s) I don't even know or understand make me doubt myself all over again. Like WHY is this here, am I making this up for entertainment? For goddsakes, I already have more entities inside me than anybody sane!!

I look at Ackrck and his female-self standing some distance from me, at least, as much as I can 'see' them which is not too well. I will deal with you later, I say to them. For now, I am busy. I feel that he is ok. IG is cool with him. I feel part of me 'drawn to him' which is always a sign. But I am also feeling stubborn right now.

The bubbles have been waiting. I walk to the center of the clearing and choose one at random and it swoops to contain me. But I could not make sense of the input. I had the feeling the input was just more than my brain, used to physical reality, could deal with. I remembered Eva commenting on seeing stuff in more than 3D and the brain trying to translate that. Must be something like that, I sighed to myself. It seemed like I was freewheeling through a snow-globe of glittery pieces, with occasional flashes of color and the feel of childlike creativity. As novel as it might be, I said to myself, this is not really doing anything for me. I could probably get lost for the next seven lifetimes in all the novel pretty stuff in the inner universe. Then many lives later I'd realize I'd been sitting staring at wallpaper all that time. I don't think that's how I want to find enlightenment, or anything else really!

Me: IG, I like the worlds, but I want to spend this time doing something more constructive than play, even if it is good practice for the mental discipline I asked you to help me with. Maybe another time ok? I have some archmeds I could do, or whatever you like.

The pod appeared and I waited calmly until we had come back 'home' to the plateau.

I then have a 'realization' though I don't know where it is coming from. It's an "insight" the kind you can get while reading some 'in the spirit' writings like the Torah, where the insight may have zip to do with the content technically.

'Cleaning' first matters. I should visualize a good energy bath before I start doing this kind of work from now on.

Another 'insight' suddenly arrives in me:

The Aeons have a certain energy kinship to me. They are divisible in many ways, but in particular, three sets of what you might call sources of energy. I interrupt my own realization: did I get this from the thing I read earlier today? No answer, the information just continues. I "feel" the explanation as a knowing of some kind that also has shape, and then it is over. I consider them within the light of what I now feel. Nero Taan Bolehren Marcan are definitely the ones clearest, most like me in some way. Nedlund, Laelee, Calme, and Hot Amanakhaton are most unlike me (energies), as the issues with their forms make clear. Ithikah, Ray, L'Anna, Jared, sort of in between, very loving to me, more like me than the 2nd group, less like me than first. I find it interesting to see how instant and easy it was to divide them that way, as I hadn't thought of them separately before. I don't know what this means or why it matters. Just observational trivia maybe.

I look over at IG. Maybe I see her a little better, it seems like I can. I want to know you for who and what you really are, I tell her. I love you, I admire you. I saw my last IG more clearly when I knew him better. I see you a little better now. But I want to know you better still! Then I have a thought, and I slightly panic. Unless that means when we're integrated you leave me! I say hastily. In which case, I'm alright with not seeing you! Take your time. I feel like she is fond of me. She knows I am still traumatized over my last IG's departure and afraid she will leave me too. I know she will someday but hopefully not soon.

I start to wonder why I'm just standing around for 'insights' to arrive in the first place. I'm fine with them but I want to be more proactive. My meditation time is limited! I have a lot of work to do on myself.

For some reason I remember this phrase I read today that was so excellent, it said exactly what I have always said, but differently, and it's important:

When the Divine Light makes contact, it empowers all patterns in the psyche. It does not pick and choose.

When people have a lot of energy, it 'amplifies' their bad traits, ALL their traits, not just the good ones. I have a lot of work to do on 'dealing with' myself. I have screwed around for most of 14 years. I'm ready to deal with it now.

I have the urge to rotate a big red triangle of light around me, and then end with it in a four-sided frame pyramid of that bright red light, large, I am in the middle of. I swirl a white circle around me in a sense of 'clearing', inside the triangle, then large outside it, then it dissolves. Set a layer of 'anchor' for where I am. Another anchor layer is the structure of red light frame-like pyramid around me. Then I make another anchor and in that 'level' I create four red light triangles, slightly smaller than and spinning in the four open triangle sides of the big frame. I felt I'd done it backward, and I flipped their spin to clockwise instead, and centered myself inside the large shape with four spinning walls. They looked like fire, in their motion. I feel I have just intentionally created a protective space. "Why" this is protective I don't know, but I feel it is. Nero, and before that my previous IG, had asked me to 'visualize' red triangles and white squares or circles... but I had not really done much of it. A few days for Nero, eons ago.

I have another insight:

The pyramid and spinning triangles are a mating. A union of sorts. These aren't just pictures I made. This is from somewhere else; it's an existing archetype. I might have created this instance but that energy is basically composed of something ancient and infinite. This thoughtform is slightly more aware and interactive than it seems like something of that sort would be.

I wonder, "Why did I do that? I just feel it's the right thing to do right now. But what part of me feels that? Because the ordinary me doesn't have any real reason to do that or feel that." But I do. Whatever, it is a part of me now. I wonder how much the Aeons integration has changed me just in the last few weeks.

I have "lost" the biggest personal problem in my life. It just went away. Without warning or notice, so it took me a bit to realize it is gone. I've realized it repeatedly, in shock, as if I can hardly believe it could be so. Overwhelming guilt has been with me since it was beat into me in every situation in childhood. The amount of guilt I have carried, physically, emotionally, psychologically, over every imaginable tiny thing in my reality, things I had no part of, no ability to affect, everything, it has always been there, a heaviness, a darkness. It's just gone. I keep waiting for it to be there as if it's a dream or something impossible and any minute now it will leap out at me with an overwhelming guilt-shame-sadness-about-self effect and say, "Nyah nyah, just kidding! You should have known! Feel guilty about this too!" But it hasn't returned.

I feel better about my whole reality. More at peace, happier. I told my friend that and he pointed out that nothing had really changed in my reality. He's right. I just feel more ok with myself and the universe. Whatever I have been doing in my head the last few weeks, it might be silly, it might be overblogged, it might be confusing when it comes to cosmology, but it has damn sure made what might be one of the single largest improvements possible in my personality and life now and from now on. I guess that is real world feedback. After 44 years, about 35 of them carrying that burden, it's not as if this is some chance coincidence of timing.

I have another insight:

"Merciless" is the word I was looking for recently. Not "ruthless." I mean for my new prompt guiltless reaction to things injust that I do not tolerate. I realize that both words have negative baggage. It occurs to me that English is such a guilt-ridden, polarized language. There are few words for things which are not accompanied by a positive or negative emotion. There is no word for neither liking nor disliking someone. If you provide the absence of the positive it implies a negative, as the language is used. There is no word for disallowing something not 'just', not righteous, without emotion, and justifiably. There are only words which when used imply some negative emotion or action or quality.

I remember that the word "merciless" is used in a Thelemic book, but I understand at that moment, that this is what it means. It doesn't mean to be brutal and heartless as I suspect many think it does, as that is the 'baggage' our culture has for the term. It means to have no attachment to something at all, to anything which conflicts with divine will. Not negative in destroying, not positive in feeling guilty, compassion or compromise. It simply will not be; it cannot co-exist. (Much like the "merciless" effect at the end of that horrible "Nothingness" experience that vacuumed out my spark-of-divine-soul (or access to it) for months back in 1994: we could not co-exist.) That simply "is like it is" and when "adjusting" for divine will, it simply IS. The circumstance has no meaning you don't choose to assign to it.

Another 'insight' just appears in me, this one feels like I am looking back and seeing something in the past, how it should have been, would have been, could have been, and was, except the point of where I am looking back from, is the future.

Bewilderness book II, until 2006, and III, from then on, should be made. Then edit this into a new whole, focusing on the spiritually-related experiences as you now and will better understand them. Let it be a modern day grimoire of how to get there from here, using today's symbols and personality, not just words in ancient books, cryptic meanings buried in math. This will publish if you choose. I feel that the word "grimoire" here means "magickal manual" and again I notice how messed up English is: this has a negative connotation, usually means 'how to summon demons' or something like that, and we have no word for a 'magickal manual' that is actually decent, positive, etc. 'Self-help' book really doesn't cover it.

I look around. I feel suddenly a new realization:

My sacred space is optional... but unnecessary. I see that my sacred space is a "belief system." The tree that grew (without my assistance) on the plateau brought me out of the whole ritual to get to another reality through the cave and inside. But now I suspect some other part of me grew it there as an 'intermediary' step to right now. I understand suddenly that the whole concept of the sacred space, while valuable when needed, and to begin, it is actually a defense and a projection. The reality is that I am always where I am. I am in the center. I am always as safe as I choose to be and in accordance with my own behavior and integrity and relationships with 'larger' energies to put it inaccurately but in linear terms. I do not need to go anywhere to allow communion or anything else.

I feel determined and inspired and I "commit to it." I 'bring' the whole 'perceived universe' of it into my physical world, open my eyes and make myself see the "integrated overlay" of the two. My worlds will not be so separate anymore. I have this "sense on the outside" that this is going to have some side-effects in my life. On the bright side, negative daydreams I have already mostly quenched, in part by the new awareness that I have improved something about myself in terms of manifestation power--and I don't want to manifest that--there is more responsibility now. But I feel there will be more responsibility now. My behavior, in every sense. I look around my room. Maybe even my cleanliness. When the world is sacred and you are always in the center, and aware of it, there are a few follow-on results.

I call the Four and the three of them stand in front of me. I suddenly feel like it is time. Not just to commit to my space. But to myself, to them. I say, "I want to know you more. I want to expand my awareness. I'm ready. I commit."

I realize I'm kneeling on the ground before the Senior and the Queen. It is a natural reaction; they are holy, and just getting too close to them in my imagination sparks the reminder and instant response in me. You are part of my path and part of my God and I would know you better through me, and me better through you, and know God better through US. I will do what it takes. I stand up. Nobody has said or done anything. I feel stubborn now. The decision is MINE to make, regardless! I will do it anyway, I say plainly, firmly. But I would like your help, I need your help!

My mate reaches out to me and we merge. As we do so I say to him, I would deserve you more. I adore you. I want to be more like you.

Our merged-entity reaches out to the queen. You are so divine, we say with an adoring sigh. Let me love you.

I reach out for the Senior. Maybe I don't yet deserve you, but I want to. Help me clean up and expand so I do. He looks at me for a moment and then this big, like four foot high apple-object appears, the outside is made of something that looks like Cloisonne jewelry, that beautiful mother-of-pearl-ish finish, the large apple is deepest, richest red. It is open and empty inside with an open door. He points to the doorway. "Get in," he says. I would have to crawl in. This is unusual but I obey. The door closes and I feel that I am shrinking, until I am so small, I am the size of a pill, and then I realize this is concept not just sizing. I feel myself divide into three simultaneous me's. Each of the Four swallow a tiny apple pill that contains me. I feel all the me's pass through part of them, and like supplements designed this way, the apple shape dissolves around me just as I hit what would be the small intestine. I am dissolving, three of me, small pieces of me being absorbed rapidly in different areas, like nutrients, like I am a food, until I am 'all gone.' I imagine myself back standing in my ordinary world overlapping with my plateau world. Gee that's... biologically literal! I think. Then a huge energy stretch comes on me and I yawn and stretch for a bit.

Me: IG, why is there so much different stuff in my head?

IG: This work isn't just about archetypes. Open to spontaneity. Be flexible. Insights will come. Record them when you can.

I become aware that I'm in a nice state of mind for meditation, but I've been doing so for quite awhile. Exercise. I feel I need to move more than I need to meditate. How can I do this? It's freezing and raining both outside. It's pitch black. This is not a good time to go walking. Actually, I feel that getting up early tomorrow before work and walking to the store, no matter what the weather is, would be great, and a nice way to start the day. This is incomprehensible to some part of me that reminds me I am a) a night person and b) the laziest human alive especially in the morning. But it sounds great. (I really AM possessed!) In the meantime, I will go do some bodyweight goblin squats. Those are deep knee bends for the skinny.

I hesitate. Then again, it's a nice state of mind, I have so many archmeds that need doing...

I don't need a big formal ceremony and an hour to meditate, I hear one part of myself tell another part of myself. I'm not missing out by not continuing. Archetypes, the Four, and my Aeons, they are always with me. I am always in the center. I can gain insight and interact while making dinner if I choose.

I wonder how long it will be before there is a block of uninterrupted time that I can get back to this, and some part of me says to me:

Pray "unceasingly." Ritual is nice, all-at-once is nice, but not required.

So I wrap it up. I think I will go collect my supplements into daily portions and actually work on taking them for the first time in months.

PJ

Ackrck and Wandering

2009-12-08T06:26:00.001-06:00

Three separate topics this morning.

The first: I reread my last archmed post and I swear it was so 'fluent' it sounded fake to me. If I had read that a few years ago, before I met the Aeons, before I had my current IG and her style, I would have thought it was either lying or insane. It just sounds... I dunno. Crazy. On the other hand, isn't the hope of doing anything that one would get more fluent with it over time? Maybe if it was all as stilted and confusing as it was three years ago there'd be something wrong.

I have some belief system that it's supposed to be hard. Like with that particular archmed (only half-finished). I realize the request was in a nutshell mental flexibility and more, and the whole experience is literally about that -- jumping in and out of whole experiential worlds, keeping track of where and who you are. I was expecting a normal archetype and maybe there will be one still (as I'm not done with that working), but maybe she just took me to exercise that literal thing! I probably would have been lost in sleep, daydream, or confusion, if I'd had that archmed experience even a couple years ago. But when I just look at it directly: Oh I went to some inner realm where there were lots of doorways to other {dimensions? probabilities?}, and went to worlds of metro city and whale-things and baby thoughtforms in nothingness! that seems so ridiculous.

I don't know WHY, except that I feel like there should be some whole major effort for that. You should have to like, get super altered state and it should be rare and amazing and... harder. It being relatively easy and fluent, I guess it just suddenly amps up the always latently-lurking 'you're just making it all up' feeling.

The second topic: one thing I haven't mentioned is that the whole developing-cosmology of the Consortium has really pinged my fear of getting "driven off-track". You know, the whole "I went into the study to find spiritual wholeness and ended up wearily selling crystals in Sedona a decade later" that I've seen so often. Some part of me fears that it might be... "distracting." That anything that is not God is at risk of replacing God.

I realize that I am not going to pre-know and understand every experience and the whole possible context before/during it, intellectually. Even best-case this comes some time afterward, historically. Part of me really is getting better at "faith and trust" in this area. But in compensation, my left-brain is getting even more concerned, on observing how much less doubt and worry and cynicism and distrust that I have now compared to what I used to.

So maybe in compensation, I've been praying more. I put a line about divine will in my mantra with the 12, and I pray to God-Just-God regularly, in the hopes that if there is anything "off-center" in what I am doing, my overriding intent will pull it back in line.

Topic 3: This is bizarre. I woke up this morning and "Ackrck" -- the spelling of a name some entity was giving me very specifically -- was in my head. My laptop was on, and I typed it on a post-it and then fell back asleep again. An hour later or so, my daughter touched my arm to wake me up, and before I was even awake, I said loudly, ACKRCK!! and then opened my eyes, startled awake by myself more than her, and she was like, "What the heck? What is that? What kind of way to wake up is that?!"

I saw where I'd typed it on the post-it note, and realized that I'd been talking to whatever-it-or-them-that-is while I'd been sleeping the previous hour, but my memory couldn't hold onto it. It-he-they made massive effort to be SURE I got that name, I "knew" that part, he wanted me to know it, remember it, record it, so I wouldn't "lose" him. But my mind wasn't able to hold onto anything else but that one yelled-spelled word.

The funny thing is that this really IS the spelling though it's impossible in english. I've talked often of how I get names and many of the sounds don't exist in our language. Well that name's sound doesn't at all really, but that english is the best match to it, even though it's not even workable phonetically -- it works in the 'deeper/fuller' language internally.

Also, hebrew has only consonants. I happened to be reading about various Thelemic stuff yesterday, much of which is based on Kabbalah, which is (mostly) based on Hebrew. So most Hebrew translated directly to English looks kind of like that. English tends to 'add vowels' to flesh things out to make the right sounds. Hebrew uses diacritical marks to indicate vowel-sounds.

No idea what it is though. Some wandering entity? My HGA? I would think if it were the latter I'd feel awed instead of just humored.

I'm disinterested, it seems distractive, I have more than enough to deal with already thanks, so I don't intend to do anything with that at all, at least that's how I feel right now. I'm blogging it because of my vow to myself to blog all my internal stuff as part of validating the focus and not forgetting.

PJ

Overblogging

2009-12-07T18:59:00.002-06:00

I think it may be killing me to have to blog so much. I just want to DO the inner work and so what. But I know from experience how the moment I start doing that I start losing 'traction' on paying attention to it and doing it at all. Plus within a week I've forgotten stuff entirely and don't have it to re-read. I am pitying blog readers at this point. Maybe just choose one post a week to read or you'd have to call it a second job.

PJ

Archmed: Awareness Management 1

2009-12-07T01:21:00.001-06:00

Me: IG, I want to work with the archetype of Awareness-management, especially for meditation, like keeping track of what I'm doing and not getting lost. Also, I want to work with the archetype of an adaptive ability to not shunt-off energy or pass out. I want to adapt some other way of 'dealing with' energy like that which doesn't require that I lose it or go unconscious. But you can choose the detail on these, or combine them, or... whatever.

I was listening to a couple brainsync.com MP3s through this so I was more altered state than usual.

IG: We will do this as one.

It was as if I could 'hear' IG thinking, or 'feel' might be a better word. Something about, we needed a way that we could use consistently, so it would build as a thoughtform, that would allow me to move to 'a place' -- like we had last time when she painted my eyes and arms and then pushed against my chest. My memory flashed through several concepts, things from books and movies that I had visualized, and a few ways she had used before. She/we chose something rather like a large telephone booth, a 'pod' of sorts as she's done before.

It sealed around me and the world outside me, which had begun as my plateau, under the tree, with IG in front of me, began flashing, into what seemed like different worlds, but so fast it was just a staccato blur of colors and patterns. This went on for awhile. I had the "concept" sense that I was moving "through". I observed, If I were less trancey, I think I would perceive this as moving "down," instead. This went on for some time, and then finally stopped. I couldn't see anything outside. The pod/booth vanished around me but I still couldn't see much. I 'sensed' something there. Am I in space? I wondered, but then answered myself, No. You just can't see well, like when you can't see an archetype.

I talked to my forehead and throat chakras about it and visualized a dial on each and said, I'm going to turn you to "perceive" and I want you to be 'tuned to' the reality that is here where I'm supposed to be focused. And I did that for each, with my eyes closed, and then opened my eyes. I could see now. But it was perfectly ordinary looking and didn't look any different from the world I know, though it wasn't the plateau. The landscape was Autumn like and I was standing in a small clearing, with trees nearby.

Me: IG, this looks just like the ordinary world. I guess I was expecting... something different.

She didn't respond. Maybe the environment is the archetype, I said to myself. Maybe--

But just then a sound came in the distance, and following it I saw the sky start to fill with these large, maybe 10' diameter, silverish-outside, bubbles. Literally as if bubbles had been made of some vaguely silver reflective fluid. Maybe a hundred or so. They flew toward me and moved around a little in the sky a few hundred feet above and around me, hovering and sometimes swooping, and I realized: They actually 'perceive' me somehow. They came when they felt me here. That seemed a little sci-fi!

I watched them for a few more moments and then had an understanding: the 'swooping' some were doing was sort of... preparatory. They were 'inclined' to 'swoop down and encompass me inside them'. That seemed novel but I wasn't sure if it was good. But I figured if that was what the environ 'did' then that was the arch and I should work with it.

I remembered the nature of the arch was awareness management then. So first I focused on my feet on the ground, and then looked at the palms of my hands, and then looked around my environ, and then thought very firmly about what I was doing there and why, and then bundled those up like into a furled rose of energy and put it in my solar plexus.

Then I had this idea, this is from programming. I assigned as a label and marker, anchor name="home" on it. Then I created this concept similar to OnRequestEnd that whenever a bubble or dreamling was done or closed or whatever would happen, it would "trigger" the code #home so I would promptly return to that thoughtball of perception.

I nodded at one of the bubbles, thinking at it, "Ok. Let's do it." And the others moved aside a little as it came closer to me and then 'swooped' down across the landscape and very suddenly I was "in" it fully.

Bubble #1

I was slowly moving downward, in a semi-dark environ that felt... different. After a moment I realized I was under water. After another moment I realized I was "sitting in on" the perception of something like a whale. I could hear so many things that I don't even have words to describe. It was as if the audio was an entire world of its own much like visual is in ours.

The sense of, in general, "a large calmness", was very nice. I relaxed into it, and floated around like a passenger for awhile. Then I realized time was passing and I was in a meditation and I wasn't "doing" anything.

Me: IG, this is nice, but how long should I be here?

IG: As long as you like.

Me: But... but I don't see what this is actually "doing" for me.

IG: Sometimes doing is just "being".

Me: So there isn't a specific thing I need to change here... I'm just here like... just passing through... it doesn't have any great cosmic significance... it just IS?

IG: Something like that.

So I relaxed into my host again for a little while, it was very nice. And then I decided to leave that bubble. I imagined myself taking a few steps (any direction) and sort of popping through the skin of it, and it sort of jiggled outside and began moving away from me.

Me: Should I dissolve the bubble?

IG: Why?

I couldn't think of any good answer. So I shrugged, and turned toward others floating, and mentally beckoned to another which swooped down and I allow it to envelop me.

Bubble #2

There was no environment at all, like space but not outer space, like just nothingness, but I was surrounded by things 'within' this nothingness that were various shapes and sizes. Many were moving though, I mean within themselves, some like machines, some like something more... fluid or organic. One was like a pair of scissors and seemed like it was going to nip me, and in annoyance I whacked it away from me a little. Is this space junk again? I wondered.

IG: No. These are very new formations. Thought forms manifested.

I considered them for awhile. I 'felt' inside me that some were cool, and some were ok, and some were problematic right from the start. And a few seemed good on the outside but carried some 'core' that was likely to become very problematic.

Me: IG, can I dissolve all these like we did the space junk?

IG: If you feel that is right.

I didn't actually feel that was right, and I knew she phrased it so I would look inside me for that. I felt that I should get rid of about 30% of them, the ones I could 'feel' were problematic. But the others, they felt like...

Me: It feels like, they all have a right to exist. Like it's really not my business in a way. I mean that it's my business if their energy ... is not... not in conformance with... well maybe it is my sense of 'divine will' or something, or maybe it is my formula/pattern, I dunno. But those that feel like they are not... appropriate for that, those I feel like I should blitz, dissolve, whatever. But the others... no. It seems like they have their own right to 'be'.

I thought about how with the Four we had put a sort of 'protection' on all the 'things' that 'felt righteous' and then took on the rest.

Me: IG, can I use 'wildcards' for this kind of thing? Can I say, like, all the forms which are not in alignment with me, all the forms I sense the problem potential in? Can I make that my 'target' like in RV and select those out from all these others?

IG: Yes.

So I did that, and I worked to be aware of myself as within the Four, and just as I went to 'dissolve' them, I felt somehow that wasn't right. One or more of the Four had a different opinion; they thought we should be pouring energy into these forms to heal and clean them, 'from core inception' upward. So we were changing their fundamental nature, but allowing them to live, just in a more 'ideal' form that would be in accordance with us.

OK, I thought at the Four, and I imagined energy going through us and into the 'core' of all those forms. It was very powerful, I felt it through my entire body the whole time we were doing that.

Then I stepped out of the bubble, and "onRequestEnd" came to mind and "#home" came to mind and I was where I began. I decided that was working unusually well.

Bubble #3

I was in a city, initially in the air but floated down to standing on the sidewalk, looking up at skyscrapers. They were right next to each other, like you see in pictures of Hong Kong or something, but they were very uniform, unlike our world, mostly the same height, shape, color, etc.

On the top of every building no matter what size, were these... they looked like fat vertical tentacles, as if they were 'grown' across the entire rooftop of every building, reaching into the sky and slightly in motion. They reminded me vaguely of the shapes I use in reality-meds sometimes except longer. I had the feeling that they were interacting with both sun and air in some way. I stood there for awhile.

Me: IG, I don't have any feeling about what I'm "supposed" to do here.

IG: There isn't "supposed to" involved. You are simply within that sphere, within that world. You can do, or not do, as you choose.

I decided that I had no particular reason to hang around this metropolis-world, I mean there were many other bubbles some of which might be more useful, and I stepped out of the bubble, letting it float away from me and go back toward the sky.

But when my anchor triggered and I was more fully 'home', there was a man standing about 10 feet from me. I 'knew' that he was from the world/bubble I'd just been. He had... followed me here, like psychically or something.

Something about his face slightly frightened me. But the Four were with me and from them I had the sense that on his own he was ok, but that my "relationship with his energy" had some 'distortions'. So we sent good energy at him and I did the same stuff I do with archetypes - water and light "of love" etc. - and after a few moments he seemed like just a normal guy.

(I wondered, When people are ugly to me, in form or in personality, does it also simply man that I have 'distortions' in my 'relationship with the energy'? As if the wrongness is not me and not them but the energy between?)

Me: IG... how did he get here? Is he dangerous? What do I do with him?

IG: He can visit here, just as you can.

I considered him for awhile. He seemed like just another person. His world seemed similar to mine. And yet, I met him in this... other... layer or whatever it is, so...

Me: So he's a lot smaller than me, yeah? I mean you know, like in terms of awareness?

IG: What makes you think that has to be?

I realized she was right, that I was assuming that, and I felt the Four's awareness that I psychologically needed to feel that was so, that my 'bias' of arrogance hid fear. I didn't have an answer for her but was disturbed by the implication. So 'equals' could be encountered? Gods, what if I run into something bigger than me?! I thought and felt my mate/twin laughing in response to that idea -- he felt as if, this was SUCH a given, but I was so very sheltered, and it was endearing but amusing too.

Me: But what does this mean? Something could follow me home??

IG: He followed you here.

Me: But this is -- ohhhhh. I see, I think. So is this part of why you took me far away to some other level? So anything coming with me would have to come to some interim world and you control the energy and what could affect or follow me at that point?

IG: In small part. But mostly because this (she 'felt' an indication at the bubbles) happens to be here.

Me: This is like some kind of place that lots of worlds can 'plug into' somehow. That's weird but cool. But what do I do with that guy?

IG: You should be talking with him about this.

I looked at him, standing there staring at me.

Me: Hello. What is your name?

Him: __ill.

The first sound was like a consonant but not one of ours. I went through the entire alphabet trying to find it but no luck. It was like a couple different letters plus part of a third. I get this effect in "intuitive" stuff sometimes, like english is just completely insufficient in several ways, and there is a language perception where there is so much 'depth and complexity' to a sound, and our sounds are like... two dimensional or something, comparatively.

Me: I have to call you "Will" because my mind can't find a language form to replicate the first sound. Why are you here?

Will: I'm just curious. Who are you?

Me: I'm Palyne. I'm from another world. I think. My spiritual guide brought me here. There's all these bubbles here in the sky and they're each worlds, like doorways to those worlds.

He didn't say anything, but nodded at me, and walked away toward the trees. I thought he was going to call down a bubble but then he just vanished.

Me: IG, I feel like I should do lots more of these and could. But I also feel like I've done as much as I can remember for writing down and I want to learn from this so I want the info consciously available. Can I stop this meditation and blog it and then come back and do more later?

She agreed, and I came here to write it down.

I think there is a bubble I have completely forgotten. Hopefully if so it will return to mind and I can record it. Gah! Hate it when that happens.

PJ

Archmed: Work Enthusiasm

2009-12-06T15:14:00.006-06:00

I told IG I wanted to focus on work. On being more enthusiastic, more dedicated, more responsible, and so on. Lately I've been having some passive/aggressive sneaking into me and that really bothers me. Work is important to me and I want to do well at it. So while I was at it I told her, you know... I do have to be able to "do" the meditation, as a caveat (I was thinking of the Knight of Wands that took me 6 months--don't want to ever have another archmed like that!), but I think... I think I would really like this to be powerful in effect, and I think I could, you know, take on more than normal in some fashion, like I'm willing to "try harder" if needed for seeing it or healing it or whatever.

Then I called Sun, and each of the planets in turn including Earth (that I had no merge with whatever, as if we were already full-up it felt), and then the Angelics, and then Responsibility, who turned on his sexy+ persona and made me drool and asked me to come "want" him with real passion again soon and I agreed. Then I imagined them all standing in a group behind me together and for some reason, the minute I "accepted them as together and within me" I got massive body-rushing for a good 30 seconds while I hyperventilated. It reminds me of one time when I did something similar, in that case I invited literally everyone I could think of and whole categories of entities in the universe, and that time, the rushing was un-freaking-believable and hitting me in 'waves' for a long time. (I fell asleep that time barely into the med! Sheesh!)

IG used a couple fingers to paint my whole eye areas with something, the lids to brows and below them, that was odd. She did a few stripes on each of my upper arms. I had my eyes closed and then I felt her, with her whole hand covered with this sparkly paint like stuff, throw out her palm and softly hit me in the chest, pressing right against my heart chakra, and I "found myself abruptly" in another world.

--and the instant I opened my eyes, big monsters were nearly on top of me around me snarling in mid-leap and in insta-panic reaction I flashed into Responsibility ('the ultimate warrior') and did a sky-high leap up into the top of a tree nearby, registering as I did that I was in the middle of a forest, and landing with a big heavy gun in my hands. No no no! I felt many ideas at once -- Don't shoot the archetypes! Which then seemed kind of hilarious. Just a triggered reaction, I guess!

I looked down at them. There was one huge one, one slightly smaller one, and then one that was about the size of a person and one that was small, like half that size. They were all brownish and "monsters" without a great deal of visual detail. I was distracted though, because from my high tree, I could see over a big part of the landscape, and quite some distance away, in a small clearing -- I saw a creature I know. I couldn't see it well at that distance but the way it walked gave its nature away. I was shocked to see it again.

I met this creature in 1994 I think it was. It was very, very weird. Its legs were the most recognizeable part from a distance, it looked in that area like some creature I cannot remember from the later levels of one of the early DOOM video games. It's some mythical creature, with impossibly huge "haunches", huge long legs that bend in this funky way so about 75% of the height of it is actually legs. I think there's an extra joint in the legs, so they bend from the hip and come up high like almost near the shoulders, and then there's a knee-like section and it turns and goes down and out front for a few feet, and then another knee-like section and it turns and goes down and back, toward the ground where some kind of foot is. But the legs of the mythical creature weren't the most memorable part up close. That was the face and eyes.

But it's a shamanic creature, I said to myself in confusion. Why would it be in this archetype meditation? I wanted to go see it, in fact, more than I wanted to deal with the archetypes. I couldn't come down from the tree without dealing with them. And I had this odd sense of concern that they might be dangerous to the critter. So thinking, I imagined a big noisy rock-bell combo and I threw it way far away in the forest, to make noise when it hit another tree, to distract the monsters. They all ran after it and soon as they were gone I flew over to where the creature was. I stood near it, I'm shorter than it is, and looked at it close up. Yep, this was the same creature, or same kind anyway.

It had the head of a human. Which was way too small for the body frankly. And it had the face much like some rare men I've known, it's difficult to describe, a certain look that is kind of narrow-faced and the part of the face with the nose is real noticeable as if that area all comes forward a little. The skin is fine-striped in grey, grey and white, all over. And the eyes ... are way too sentient in a wild, foreign way.

I called my mate/twin to be 'with' me. He is related to you somehow, I said, remembering. I had seen the creature in an area just before, in that same area, I had seen my mate, and his mate in his real-world. I spent a few minutes talking to the creature, just saying nice things to it. It's so cool, I said to my mate. HE is so cool, he said in response. Not IT. That seemed a little pedantic to me, but I "felt" through us that he was responding more to a feeling I had, that I was sort of 'dismissing' it as a 'thing' in a way. I apologized and talked to them for a bit more and then decided I needed to get back to the meditation. I flew back to where I'd come in, surrounded myself some feet away with a protective force field, and whistled for the monsters, who promptly came running to get me, ran into the shield and then paced around it.

I told them thank you and a little more along those lines. Then while they were outside being all snarly I did the rain of love and I talked to them through that, and the light, and the chem, and I kept talking to them, imagining feeling good energy coming from all my chakras and being carried through my words as well. They all started changing while this was happening and while still monster-ish, they were all smaller and neater by the time that was done. I let the biggest one inside the forcefield and worked with him awhile until it was done. I did that with all of them. There's a lot of detail I'm leaving out because I'm boring myself at this point and I'm in a hurry to go shopping, but one thing was interesting:

In one of them I had it on a medical table and there was a lot to 'deal with' but I wasn't clear on detail. And I had a "dreamling" -- I haven't had one of those in awhile! -- a full-blown spontaneous dreamworld I was abruptly in the middle of -- and I recognized what it was, and I was able to say, "Stop--pause--hold still!" and 'hold that in place' while I turned my attention back to where I was in the meditation, and created a thought-anchor for myself, a clear 'memory-moment' of where I was, what I was doing, what I was seeing -- and then I marked it "hold still" in a sense, and then I flipped back (like flipping windows on your computer with alt+tab) and I was back in the middle of the dreamworld, which was like most dreamlings surprisingly vivid.

I was up close to something I hadn't seen before but I sensed was a space station of some kind, an artificial satellite. I was too close and had to back off a little. All around me though, there was STUFF. Big ol' hunks of crap all over the place. It looked like a lot of scrap metal, rocks, all kinds of stuff. I could "feel" that this was like "space junk" and it wasn't supposed to be there, and that it was causing a problem for the people who were in the station trying to use their instruments and such. I put my hands toward a big floaty 'thing' of metal nearby and imagined dissolving it into its component energy abruptly. I felt a little rush as it disappeared. Then I imagined doing that for another thing a distance away, and same thing, I got a little rush as I dissolved it, which tells me it's a good thing. I did a couple more and then thought, oh brother. This is going to take all day!

So I called in the Four to be with me, "accepted I had the power" (this is Senior's influence), and then we just put a 'safety' around any object in that galaxy that was 'righteous', and everything else, we blasted into the oblivion of its component energy. Rush-rush-rush, very cool! And when that was done I saw that there were several of these station-things. I "understood" they hadn't been able to talk together because of all the junk in the way. Now their communications were totally unimpeded. I gathered up my energy and poured a lot into all of them, to go to their core of time, concept and build, and then send the energy forward, so they would be "the ideal" of their potential. When that was done, they were all a bit larger and seemed more advanced. I felt that the dreamling was 'done' and as I thought that, the whole world of it collapsed like a bubble into nothingness and I found myself with my anchor, which worked brilliantly, I was instantly back on track without any confusion or wandering.

The dreamlings and "managing" them often make me feel like I have challenged my brain to do more things at once than it normally does, somehow.

Anyway, here's hoping the results of the meditation are powerful and prompt, for my sake.

Oh! I forgot! Edited to add: I asked IG:

Me: "How did that creature get here?!"

IG: He lives here.

Me: You mean this 'place' is like a level, layer, frequency, world, whatever?

IG: Yes.

Me: Weren't the monsters dangerous to him? Did they exist even without me here?

IG: Their energies did, but he has been able to {something like 'survive'}.

Anyway so now I'm thinking, hmmn, I'm not sure why she "sent me somewhere" as opposed to standing under the tree like normal, but she does tend to be more creative than prior IGs in this regard. But it made me wonder, if some of my 'issues' are quite literally mucking up the worlds at the layers that energy inhabits. Er, if this makes sense to anybody but me.

PJ

Overlapping Layers

2009-12-06T12:14:00.009-06:00

I saw the Senior more clearly last night than I ever have.

Earlier I had decided to do something about the ongoing randy energy I'd had for days and, since I have no conscious relationship with (the Aeon) Hot Amanakhaton, I gave him that energy. During that event I felt like I had more awareness on his part, more interaction, than normal. It worked well enough, which is to say that it was about to be really fabulous on climax and then the energy was GONE given to him. It's so weird how that works. It certainly takes the fun out of it at that point!

Later I went to the tower, I felt I should for some reason. I felt more 'aware' of all the three of them than usual. And then there he was, the Senior. I was just stunned that I could see him so well. Most the time I can't see him at all, or barely a sense of him, except rare flashes.

I said, "But-- but-- but you're a white guy, how did this happen? Last times I thought I saw you, you were --" and he changes and he is the guy I remember: really tall, with the dusky skin, the sense of 'vaguely red, vaguely asian' that I think our people sometimes encounter as a type of alien. I realize that of course we are many people and the others, especially he and the Queen, can be in any form they choose. He shifted back to the other form and I 'felt in me' that this was because this guy was more 'normal' to me.

Me: Why is it that I can see you so clearly all the sudden?

Senior: Your work with {HA} opened up more conscious communication areas.

Me: But what does he have to do with you?

Senior: He has to do with YOU. The more of yourself you are able to bring into your awareness {through your work with them}, the more of yourself you are able to perceive in the energy that we {the four} share.

So maybe that's why a couple times after bigger experiences with one of the Consortium it seemed like I was suddenly having more of the Four in some fashion. If the consortium somehow compose me then more integration with them means more of me available to me. I guess it makes sense that the Senior would have brought them to me for working with, considering that; it's a way of bringing me closer to the Four.

I was so awed and flattered he was letting me see him so plainly, and so happy that I could see AND hear him just like someone present with me, and I felt like I had so much I wanted to talk with him about, now that I finally could -- but I couldn't remember any of it. I couldn't even think of a question to ask him!

Geez, that is about what happened with the Private Oracle recently too.

I felt closer consciously to the Queen than usual too.

I went to my mate/twin and hugged him and then realized that I usually don't see his face. Not because I can't, so I'm not sure why. I focused on his chest and really aimed my intent and focus and that came into clear view. I moved my focus up his body and over his face just a few inches at a time, seeing him more clearly than I have in eons.

I thought of the bridge. A couple years ago I guess it was, I was doing a lot of inner world stuff and I can't remember if it was IG taking me to it or what, but I came to this "bridge of me." It was a really big bridge, the metal kind that go over a major waterway. But at one side there was a gigantic hole through the bottom and there was various falling-aparts and holes and weakness throughout most of the structure. The integrity of all the metal was fine, excepting a few beams on the bottom in bad places. But all the rest that made up the 'floor' of the bridge had some serious issues. I had been working on healing and fixing it when my mate/twin showed up directing a whole workforce of guys. I had a slight overlap with the Queen then, which I didn't even realize till just now. Anyway he was responsible for the massive job actually getting done.

I realized my thoughts had moved us and the Four of us as one stood on the bridge. "He did this," I said, impressed with him and proud of him. "He fixed this whole thing!" And then I wondered, "WHY would he do that, if it was my bridge, maybe the Queen's in places, not his??" And they felt (so I understood) that we 'share' energy as literally as I perceived the first time I ever met my mate/twin. I don't know that I have any energy they don't. But my mate has some I don't. And the Queen has some he doesn't, and the Senior some she doesn't. We are less like four separate things that combine to one, than "nested spheres", like a Russian doll, and each larger one contains the one inside plus is something more. That means that since they all 'contain me', that any problem with me IS a problem with them, too. Their own... evolution, for lack of a better word, includes the need for mine.

I fell asleep so whatever else happened I don't recall.

This morning in the Aeon round, Hot Amanakhaton was no more merging or responsive than normal, go figure, the ingrate. Yes I know he is a giant statue but still. The round was nothing to blog about, not even merging senses except the tiniest bit with Ithikah.

I went back to the tower. I did feel more clear with all of them than usual but as I stood in the center and the three of them stood together to the side, I thought, What am I supposed to do? I don't understand what action I'm supposed to take when with them. I know they've previously told me that we don't generally "do"; it's more a "be"; but getting to the BE part, to where I am enough integrated-aware with them that we are merged, is the issue.

I started to ask them but felt, from my mate, that I shouldn't. He didn't actually lecture me but it came with the feeling that I sometimes get from him that I need to quite whining and expecting someone else to hand me answers or action and step up. I stopped just before saying anything and asked myself, What does it SEEM like I should do? What do I feel? What is appropriate?

After a minute, I went and stood besides my mate, held his hand, closed my eyes and just imagined "being" with them, that's all. I saw the Senior and the Queen slide into each other and then we did that and then for a moment I was more aware than usual of the two identities that resulted. I 'allowed' myself to perceive from the perspective of the merged being and felt a tiny bit of rush-energy then. Then we merged as the four, and I did that again.

And then we just 'were' for a bit.

Then I said, I'm going to leave now, I mean my awareness. Do I need to do something that kind of... officially closes this, so that my going on with my physical life in a moment won't be bleeding into your awareness? They felt no, I didn't need to. But I sorta did anyway, just for closure.

I felt a little clueless then, when it was all said and done. I sense that I need to get much more clear with the Four. Now I understand that, indirectly, getting much more clear with the Aeons, the 12, is a big part of that. But it feels like the easy part is passing. By which I mean, initially I had tons of merging with all of them in various ways like because there was so much to do it was easy. But now I feel like I am getting to the point where merely thinking it'd be nice isn't enough anymore. Like something more proactive is required. But I don't know what.

PJ