When the Arch's a Mystery

Last night I finally got off my ass and (and ok I'm lying; I was sitting in bed.) did an archetype meditation. It has been a long time since I've let myself focus on any of this.

The night before this, I had asked IG to give me "whatever archetype I most need to integrate with, for positive benefits in my life." Now I understand that's going to be arbitrary just by nature. What energy is best for my health may not be what is best for my job, or whatever, but I trust IG.

I couldn't see the arch. This is always a sign of something I am repressing or in denial of. I did have a sense though of it being really huge and fat, sort of like a giant tweedledum but not actually human.

I used the water of life in shower mode for some time.

I restarted the meditation about a dozen times because my mind went drifting off into something else instantly in denial.

Then I used the light of life for awhile.

The arch ended up being something small, sort of crown-shaped, and unusually heavy. At this point I did the ultimate denial space-out: I fell asleep.

So yesterday early evening I was walking with the kid to the store to get some food for dinner. (I was walking because my car battery up and died.) And about every 60 seconds, I would have some mild thought - about a dog, a kid on a bike, anything - that would instantly turn into something really violent and gory. I recalled that my dreams had been like that, after falling asleep before finishing the meditation.

This happened so fast, so repeatedly, that by the time I reached the store I was scolding myself internally. Nothing (but nothing) is as bad as the time I stupidly meditated on the arch of someone ELSE, asking for the arch of whatever was giving my friend heart trouble; that was utterly terrifying, I couldn't finish it, and it stalked me for weeks in my dreams like a feral slasher-werewolf-warrior of red-red-red that made me watch up close all the horrors and then get blamed for them. Not dreams I ever want to repeat. So, this wasn't nearly as bad as that. Nothing is. But it was bad enough that I was starting to wish I could whack myself upside the head and snap out of it, it was almost frightening how instant and severe the daydreams were.

So last night I went back into the meditation, apologized for the interruption, and continued from where I left off. I was frankly a bit out of ideas for what to do with this arch. I could see it better now, it had changed form, but I was still a bit clueless. Fortunately my boyfriend had really wound me up (from a distance, alas) so I asked the arch to take human form and did a tantric merge with it. I have no idea how he liked it but I had a good time, heh! It did certainly relax me greatly with the archetype though.

When the med was over, I asked IG to take his real form (a giant vaguely frog like creature) and I laid on top of him looking up at the stars and told him of the things I wish for. Then I had him morph into his human form, with the pale skin and dark eyes and ear holes and spots along the side of his face/neck, and I hugged him for awhile and told him how I want to visit him more often and to please play a larger role in my conscious life.

I went back to my normal sacred space where I enter, and there were a variety of outer guides (OG's) hanging around as usual. I meditated for a couple minutes, imagining pulling energy into me from the center of earth and the center of the galaxy, and then channeling it through me and into all my guides, to do whatever they wanted with. Then I closed, and went to sleep.

My dreams were troubled. I feel my sleep was fitful, and I woke up unusually early.

When I woke up, I was happy. I mean... HAPPY. I had energy, physical energy, like I really wanted to get up and do something right then. It reminded me a little of early childhood, around age 5 or so, when I would wake up and feel happy and could hardly wait to get outside to play.

All day, despite finding my garden (after the horrid ice-freezes and a year of ignoring it) a bigger disaster than I could have imagined, I just felt GLAD. Glad to be alive. And energetic. I got more 'movement' into this day than I almost ever do. Gardening and cleaning and cooking and shopping and some house odd jobs.

***

So tonight it occured to me, something that Steinbrecher actually wrote in his Inner Guide book. (His IG exercise is his own, but it is based on Jung's Active Imagination of course, as well as some similar traditions, and then steeped in his astrology and tarot.) He was theorizing that all energy 'flows freely' in a perfect sense, but that when we block an energy -- suppress it -- we are essentially "holding it under."

He suggested that its presence in our external life would be in strength to 'balance' how much we were blocking/denying/suppressing that energy. He made this little chart with several 'degree lines' and said for example, if you were really really repressing something hard, all the way to level 4, that energy would be huge in your life, because the 'power' of it, for balance, would have to be 'equal' to the power you were constantly putting into suppressing it.

OK so what occurred to me was, what if I am suddenly so energetic and such, because all that energy I was putting into repressing whatever energy conglomerate this was, has suddenly been released? So all that energy is now mine to use, rather than buried in some subconscious effort.

Oddly, my father was really unusually nice and happy today and tonight too, being so nice to me I almost wondered what was up. I did major archetype work related to him when I was 26 and I swear he changed so radically, so fast, in our relationship, that his friends actually commented on how significant it was. But I wonder if this Arch had some degree of energy that ties into him involved.

It's hard when the archetype is a mystery. And yet, I feel that IG knows a great deal more than I do, and letting him choose, or at least letting me choose generally and then him the detail, I think is a decent approach when I feel like it.

I'll do another tonight.