Looking Everywhere But Here

You have my permission to laugh at me about this. I am SUCH a dork!

So I was talking about how, a few days ago, I got very frustrated about how I just don't find 'corroboration' of my weird 'the Four' and 'the Consortium' experiences anywhere, still don't know where it comes from or why it's so incredibly consistent for 15 years now, etc.

I had ordered myself a book I got several days ago (Multidimensional Mind: Remote Viewing in Hyperspace, by Jean Millay), had read a tiny bit and put it down. I put off reading it further so instead, I could do a couple days of googling about the above in my sudden wish to see if I could find anything that might make me feel a little better about it. After two days of a ton of complex, confusing and assumptive stuff, I was grouchy and not much helped at all.

The irony is, I was about 4 pages in my book from coming on this following text. Which was perfect timing; my desire would have felt like I called it up (as often happens when I am reading books). I even FELT like I shouldn't really be doing the googling. But did I go back to reading? Noooo. Ironically one of my friends/clients is a founder of this school and field, which probably would have made me pay even more attention to this. But I was ignoring my gut and my book both, so I missed this until now. Emphasis in original text:

At the International Transpersonal Psychology (ITP) confererence in Prague in 1992, one of the founders, James Fadiman, PhD, [...] reviewed some of the historical theories about personality, such as the idea that we are a single unified being; the idea that there is no self; the idea that we are merely a collection of behaviors; or the idea that we are all multiples. Dr. Fadiman said:

There is a model of the mind which seems to fit both historical experiences of every early people and seems to fit the experiences of most people I meet (except for psychologically trained professionals). [Ed. note: There is much laughter from psychology professionals present.] And the model is that *we are multiples.* Pantheism is a representation of our internal state, and it is not a surprise that psychiatry has used the Greek myths to suggest many aspects of the self because the Greek Pantheon is a more normal representation of who you actually are. So the self, I suggest, does exist. It is not unified. It is a collection of personalities. And the model says that if you work on yourself for many, many years, and take psychedelics, and go to India, etc. etc., that you will become a collection of selves, not unified, but that the collection of selves will be better behaved and you will get into less trouble.... When I listened to Ram Dass's talk, and heard about the demons that used to be large and dark and now are small and friendly, it suggested that as one improves in mental health, one gains a better understanding of the totality of one's multiplicity and is more likely to have the correct Being at the correct time. ...

The other thing that I keep totally boring my friend on the phone about is my brain-crunching over Nedlund being about 'sound', and my trying to imagine the different kinds or levels of 'sound' that make up my experience/self/reality. In the book is this really big scale of sound, never seen anything like that before, very cool.

I mean seriously, I would have considered the book and its timing to be totally synchronous, more than coincidence, right in line with my inquiry of the moment. If I had been reading it, like I'd planned to be. But since I was busy ignoring my gut feeling and googling instead... well I guess that is a good example of how reality experience can differ so greatly at one point, based on some seemingly trivial decision made at another point!

PJ

Gnostics and Armchairs

I meant to post this yesterday but hadn't finished with it. (I mention this because it was this post that actually led into the sex magick post that appeared here earlier. I was reading on gnostic stuff that led to magick stuff that led to that topic and I got opinionated.)

I don't much like labels when it comes to experiential things, like spirituality. I think as long as you're sitting in the armchair of intellectualism, as long as you're talking about theology or philosophy or whatever, then fine, we can wax poetic all day, and glue-stick labels onto things right and left. But the moment one gets into the genuine experience of the thing, it's another story. At that point, those labels aren't doorways, they are no longer marking the opening to the infinite one road at a time, but rather, stuffing into uniformity and expectation all truly creative and spontaneous experience.

From wiki:

Jung saw the Gnostics not as syncretic schools of mixed theological doctrines, but as genuine visionaries, and saw their imagery not as myths but as records of inner experience. He wrote that "The explanation of Gnostic ideas 'in terms of themselves,' i.e., in terms of their historical foundations, is futile, for in that way they are reduced only to their less developed forestages but not understood in their actual significance."

I would agree with that. Labeling and categorizing experiential-spirituality is like taking art, real art, the "it moved my soul through the night so I created this" art, and reducing it to an intellectual essay on the form and style, in such a convoluted, footnoted way that the artist themselves would be lucky to even recognize it from that perspective.

Yet if I don't use labels, it is difficult to communicate. Most people do not want an 'introduction' that requires reading a book's worth of material from someone's inner life. They expect a sound-bite.

OK, so:

• I am a Gnostic.
• I am a Thelemite.
• I have an experiential leaning toward Christian Mysticism, not related to the doctrines of Christianity, but related to the deities of such.

That is another way of saying I respect and have had experiences with 'identities', from Angels to Jesus, from Egyptian stuff to the Abramelin entities, from an 'inner soul-being' some might call HGA or Atman, to the conglomerate of Aspect Psychology that Roberts called Psychic Politics. From Kabbalah to Christianity, from Shamanism to Occult magick of a variety of traditions, I've had experiences, insights, and symbols, that seem to cover a little bit of it all. Frankly that has made it confusing that it seemed like "everything and nothing" was true -- no single model has seemed to contain my experiences, but most models contain room for some of them.

I have no serious interest in the various religious doctrines or histories which surround all those identities or models. If I have a vision or dream and I meet entity-X in environment-Y, and interact, then to me, that's XY. If someone later points me to stuff others have written about XY, I do find that mildly interesting sometimes, but only sometimes and only as food-for-thought or trivia, except in rare cases where -- like the Four and the Consortium -- I go out and search in an attempt to get an idea of whether someone's written this stuff down before and what "context" it was found in, if so.

I don't really feel that my experience with XY needs to be measured by, compared to, or evaluated against, anybody else's experience, or anybody's intellectual opinion or doctrine as written down throughout time. I will judge XY and our interaction based on my own experience and prayer. It is not particularly relevant to me whether this or that doctrine has assigned some entity or some activity to being holy, or to being black magick, or to being a 7th branch, French offshoot, of lineage-Z of some philosophy first recorded (that we know of) 140 years ago by someone I never heard of.

I'm not saying that education and study don't have value, because they do. It is that those are easy for me, and I have come to believe, due to my own weak tendency to 'think about living' more than 'living', that what matters if anything is that one most go 'through, not around' spiritual experience if it is to be anything more than armchair philosophy. I used to be so much more ... linear, than I am now. I've worked hard to shift.

I believe that sincere and regular prayer to God, whatever God might really be, that "genuinely good intentions", held with interest, a sense of humor, and a model of sharing and healing and joy, and the most minimum bias for or against or concerning 'the assumed value of a certain thing', that these will take a person through the experiences that provide "education from the inside" about oneself and spirit.

Moving on --

Trivia: I was skimming a tiny part of Tertium Organum (P.D. Ouspensky, 1922), a chart TABLE OF THE FOUR FORMS OF THE MANIFESTATION OF CONSCIOUSNESS. This wasn't any analogy to 'the Four' but rather, a sort of "four-stages-of-development". It was peripherally interesting, no big deal, and I speed-read. But there was this one line in it which for some reason felt like it reached out and slapped me upside the head and made me STOP and think. Under 'forms of consciousness', the third of four stages, one of the descriptions said:

The moment when further evolution can be conscious only.

(The fourth stage was then: The commencement of self-consciousness. Ecstatic states. Transitions to cosmic consciousness.) I felt like some part of me pulled out that line and emphasized it inside me, as if it arrived with the sound of a gong and the light of spirit and a logical typed-out business-report answer to some question.

I think this is "why." This is why the weird stuff. The Four, the Consortium of 12, even some of the confusion of my 'Bewilderness' period all those years ago. Because there comes a point in every energy-conglomerate's development when further evolution must be conscious. Where you are no longer able to unconsciously just drift along in oblivious darkness, when it no longer happens at a slow but automatic pace, where basically the escalator has come to an end and if you want to continue you've got to take the stairs.

And since it's new to 'conscious realization', it's just as confusing as the world is to a baby, in some respects. Learning how to even perceive, then how to remember, then how to correctly categorize, then how to understand, then how to consciously modify or interact with, each energy, thing, identity, dynamic, whatever, is a whole development of its own. 'Mysticism' is born and we spend a big chunk of our life then trying to accomplish one or more of these things in one or more areas.

Ironically the point is to get to where it's all a no-brainer background-info, because the larger focus is always communion-with-God, at least that is my perspective. All the rest is like... getting to know the culture and home of your soulmate.

So I was googling, as my friend L had done, trying to find any reference to the four, the twelve, a group soul, etc. I thought this following excerpt was a great left-brain description of The Four as I perceive them/us/etc. -- although I suspect it was not intended to be used for that. It even perfectly matches the bizarre but deep concept of "the tree of life in 3-D" that the Four once showed me we are, and that we "compose the universe", each of us a certain kind of energy that contributes to the makeup of things, although it was more person-based in my perception than... elemental, as it sounds here, but I can imagine that might have been a limit of my perception at the time. Check this out:

...Hasidic philosophy explains that the Merkaba is a multi-layered analogy...

...The four Chayot angels represent the basic archetypes that God used to create the current nature of the world. Ofannim, which means "ways", are the ways these archetypes combine to create actual entities that exist in the world. For instance, in the basic elements of the world, the lion represents fire, the ox/earth, the man/water, and the eagle/air. However, in practice, everything in the world is some combination of all four, and the particular combination of each element that exist in each thing are its particular Ofannim or ways. In another example, the four Chayot represent spring, summer, winter and fall. These four types of weather are the archetypal forms. The Ofannim would be the combination of weather that exists on a particular day, which may be a winter-like day within the summer or a summer like day within the winter.

For some reason this reminds me of the day that I had an 'insight' that Feng Shui is 'localized astrology' -- that wood in a fire region was like virgo in scorpio, an energy 'transit', or whatever.

...A person should strive to be like a Merkaba, that is to say, he should realize all the different qualities, talents and inclinations he has (his angels). They may seem to contradict, but when one directs his life to a higher goal such as doing God's will (the man on the chair driving the chariot) he will see how they all can work together and even complement each other. Ultimately, we should strive to realize how all of the forces in the world, though they may seem to conflict can unite when one knows how to use them all to fulfill a higher purpose, namely to serve God.

Cool. I am not-quite going to qualify as Hasidic though! If that does have some relationship to my experience, then the idea of some ignorant goya like me stumbling over the experientially-real spirituality of their occult philosophies would probably horrify all those serious hasidic scholars. (I remember being Jewish in another life. Does that count?? OK, probably not!)

In googling on 'the Four' I find (of course) many refs to the four elements. I wonder if I should work to find a way to incorporate this into something? Meditation?

Is there a way to apply Feng Shui to the soul? hahahaha!

This is a seemingly channeled page (feels that way to me) on 'soul clusters'. (Later: yes, it's channeled.) Though if I'm going to look at any channeling I would first prefer Seth via Jane Roberts, and I'm not fond of the topic in general and tend to dislike and distrust it (and yes I'm aware my conversations with Aeons sound very similar to exactly that. Sorry, that's just how it keeps working out).

"...A soul group is a circle with an eye, a soul, in the middle and four souls representing each direction. The direction is not necessarily that of nature as on earth, but as in the universe. In our reality as humans on earth it is the four directions with each responsible of the energy and power of the four directions. Each soul that occupies the position of a direction is also an eye or center of their own soul group as well. These soul groups are constantly moving and rotating around each other and through each other..."

Interesting they chose four, yeah? I mean, why that number, why not some other? I guess it doesn't prove anything (like why I get the Four or the Consortium), and I found some of the articles on the same site/source questionable, but I found it an interesting coincidence.

I wrote about the four and our 'pattern of four' and the 'larger patterns' back during my Bewilderness days, calling it "The Linoleum Theory" initially, then expanding it to "The Rainbow of Soul". My original TLT writings said something like:

When I look down at the square tiles in public buildings, I often see that every tile has a 'pattern'. It's all based on each tile being a singular pattern, one of four primary natures. Then, four tiles together are a pattern. And each of those four tiles is a part of yet-larger patterns that have it in different placements within those patterns. And the whole room is a larger, more complex pattern.

To me, 'The Linoleum Theory' described The Four pretty well. The Rainbow of Soul is better, though. I'm glad I came up with a less retarded name and model eventually.

PJ

The Four, The Consortium, The Point

I love it when I'm watching something in a movie and suddenly I see something that TOTALLY reminds me of some scene from my inner world.

Long ago (blogged in two parts in "IG and the Pagan Night" and "Gaia and the Pyramid"), I had this archetype meditation where the arch was a step pyramid like south american stuff. Except the step was actually in a spiral. And there was no visible way into it. The entrance turned out to be off to the side of the pyramid some distance, there was like a door in the ground and you went down into it, and then there was this stone hallway that led across (under) the ground and it went to the center of the pyramid at the bottom of it and then a door above opened up and you were "inside" it then. It was stepped 'in reverse' inside and it was fairly small. The meditations were kick-ass.

Well there are many differences... this pyramid was a bazillion times bigger, the distance to entrance farther, the entrance above ground, the stone path a road not a tunnel, and the pyramid different inside -- ok, yes, so they are almost nothing alike I admit -- still, the vision of this pyramid with an entrance in exactly the same relationship off to the side (except farther away, but then the pyramid was so much bigger, it seems like it's the same) and a path over there to the middle was just "startling" to me for some reason. It was in the season 3 episode 1 of SG-1. Imagine that the walkway is a tunnel and it's actually underneath the ground not above it, and this is just like the archetype turned out to be.



Musing --

I was talking to my buddy L about all this last night. You know, about: What's the point? OK, the whole 'The Four' and 'The Consortium' are... what, novel? More interesting than Mormonism? But what's the difference really, is it just another uniform, another trap, another doctrine in development, some funky perspective that's just wasting my time with some imaginative kick-the-can rather than something more useful?

I've often mentioned people I knew who went into some kind of mystic inquiry allegedly for spiritual reasons and ended up off the side of the road selling crystals... or whatever. If you see what I mean.

The Four

Thinking back, the first time I met the four it was as individuals. I didn't know them as part of our Four then. I met the Third (my mate) in several visions. I knew we had the relationship we do. From Bewilderness:

November, 1993

I sat down briefly, and found myself abruptly in a vision or dream. There was this blonde man, who as it turns out, was me. I don't mean he was symbolically me, or 'male energy' of me, or anything like that. I mean I literally shared his perception because we are really one, but we are still separate identities as well. I saw him as "another aspect of me." As if his consciousness is combined with mine but his... perception is slightly... larger. Because he's smarter, I mean, a slightly higher order of species. A separate individual than me in the physical, though, even though we could share our perception at times.

I met the Queen in several visions and dreams as well. Then I met her in what seemed a past life, where 'she' was the dominant personality in the body and I functioned like a spirit guide extension of her in some fashion.

And I wondered what the point of it all was even way back then. One thing I journaled touched on that:

November, 1993

There's something I realized as a result of that dream of the blonde-me. This is hard to explain, but seems to fit into it all for some reason, and I feel it's really important that I understand this, that it relates to all the odd things going on in my life. The realization goes something like this:

All acceptance is by faith. Not blind faith as "trust," but faith as an absolute commitment, and when you make the latter, you realize it is the former.

I feel as if I've made a specific commitment. When I made it, I didn't know the path, or where it led, or anything. I knew only that I would do whatever it took, wherever I was, whatever the conditions, regardless of anything else in the universe. There's a certain point where, when you know you're going to do something no matter what, the how and why and when simply become... irrelevant. When you get right down to it, you either commit or not: there are no "conditional" commitments. Which is why it becomes faith: you quit worrying about, or even thinking about, the ways and means (or even the goal).

The Four developed with me over time. Some journal quotes (thanks to Bewilderness):

October, 1994

There is this one type of dream that I always remember, when in the dream, that I am there "all the time" or at least often, but not until today did I remember (while awake) having them. In them I am somehow four different people at the same time, and yet one. Two male, two female. And we're every possible relationship to each other and also merged. Every possible relationship. So for instance, the other female would not only be mother, sister, lover, daughter, but would also be every probability combination existence on the planet, up to and including the ex-girlfriend of a second cousin of mine, a political leader, someone I never heard of, indirect things as well. They all have the same thing with me and with each other, the four of us completely intertwine, like "the four of us compose the universe," or at least the human element of it.

and

The "aspect of me" that was the blonde fellow, or the one I called "the blonde-me," was one in a group of four including myself. Maybe there's more and I just don't know it. I wondered if multiple personality syndrome would explain such a thing, but finally decided that most of the personalities people have with that syndrome are, well, from this dimension, so to speak, and not usually quite that simultaneous, let alone in a separate body. I didn't realize that he was part of the four of us at first. My encounters with him alone were quite different than the times when I encountered all three of them together. When it was just he and I, it seemed more... fascinating in a way that shamanic creatures fascinated me. When it was all four of us, it was invariably an exciting, spiritual experience that left me feeling ... "holy."

and

(As part of a dream of the future) Then last night I (as the four we, but mainly as the two [younger?] we's) were cleaning the eye, and we (the two older we's) said, We thought you weren't going to see that. And we [the youngers] replied, Well we weren't, but we've found a way now that we can see the future without it hurting.

and

October, 1994

Well the other day I'm in the shower, and I'm thinking casually about the 4 in 1 thing, these dreams about me and three who are also me, and I turned my face into the water for a moment and suddenly the water reminded me of that vortex which reminded me -- Four in one. Four colors, four beams of light which were also sound; all of which had their own resonance, and then when they perfectly merged they wrapped around each other in a vortex providing a "doorway" to "some other dimension." The 4-in-1 dreams where we all merge and whatever thing we're doing together works. The round thing with the four beams of light: the circle squared, as magick calls it. All this stuff is connected. I was so shocked by the associations I inhaled and choked on the water. (Talk about baptized by an idea.) I think I get it. It's like a key. I don't actually know, though, if it is dependent only upon the "higher self" structure or if there are other ways of accomplishing that four beam thing with technology, and either way I don't think I know how to get to the "technology or method" of doing it.

I always wondered if this related to the four, but I don't know:

November, 1994

3,3,3,4. 9,9,9,12. These numbers came up in a dream, and I felt it crucially important that I remember them when I awoke. I haven't the vaguest clue what it means.

It got more comfortable over time.

November, 1994

Had a nice meditation, sort of (what does one call all these states of consciousness?). Three others and I (this is getting a bit repetitive, I must admit) were playing and talking and such. And I said Hey, it's you guys! Cool! Let's merge! And when we did, I was reminded of how the first time I consciously remembered them, I realized we had "every possible relationship" to each other. Then it was like these rays of light connected each of us to the other; and then we merged, but those rays were still there, even though we weren't really separate; and then it was like chakras below and above the body (I had forgotten some schools of thought mention those) merged together in these bright balls of light, one ball above and below us, and then all the connecting paths between us lit up, with certain bright spots, balls of light like our chakras, in certain places. It felt very groovy, and as my perception pulled back a little bit so I could see us almost from the outside, I went Hey! We're that Tree of Life thing, in 3-D! I didn't realize that was connected to the subject. (Perhaps I'm coming upon obvious things that everyone knows, but they're fun nonetheless.) So perhaps the four of us really do "compose the universe," like my first impression gave me.

and

They seem to be getting more casual, I meet them more easily (though they often change form), and they often find my immediate "Let's merge!" approach nothing short of riotous. (I'm glad I'm such entertainment. Sigh.) Maybe there is some kind of diplomatic relationship one is supposed to have prior to this announced desire, like buying your date dinner first.

In fairness, I didn't really make anything all that special of this because I was having so much other experience around then, in the 93-95 era. Dreaming of Crowley and the Abramelins, of the future, having major waking visions, and the weird experiences that somehow blended alien, faery, and inorganics all in one, there was so much OTHER stuff going on that in the scheme of things, although they were special, they were just one of many 'weirdities' in my life.

I didn't realize until later this was also about them:

January, 1995

The first section was all about my "energy;" somehow breathing was not the only cyclical thing I did, but it was as if there were dozens of things my "body" did (maybe below the conscious level or even below the physical), and I was trying to get them aligned, and noting that many of them were blocked, it was like if you were watching a whole group of waveforms and they were crashing into each other instead of moving harmoniously together. Anyway, so I got most of them aligned OK, and my breathing evened out.

The second section was about humanity, the same sort of thing as with the first dream, except it was on a larger scale; more items to "synchronize" and with the overall world, not just myself.

The third section was something related to the first two, but hard to describe. There was some acknowledgement of everything (energy) in the world feeding into this one eventual unit, kind of like a drain, the way the energy swirled around in a vortex before going into this one place/thing. But there was this sort of distraction, it was as if just above that layer of "going into one" understanding, there were four "units" which would be better called "collective energy with a representative identity" that everything flowed into according to its matching nature. I was repeatedly trying to get past the four and back to the one which I knew was the real source, and the whole point of things. I varied back and forth between the two perspectives of one or four.

Anyway, I don't really know what all this has to do with anything, except the four elements of nature seem the obvious symbolism here.

Wow, funny. I didn't pick up that quote till today, and I'd forgotten the detail. Terms like 'distraction' and 'the whole point of things', energy and alignment and blocks -- are all part of the last day talking about the subject. Which is... what. Two months shy of 15 years later!

Well after 15 years I guess it's fair to say it's not going away soon.

The Consortium (also called The Coalition in the early days), I blogged about my meeting with them in The Tower, introduced to me by The Senior, shortly after I had met Nero, the first of them.

There were a bunch of people there, which was confusing. There is only me and the three after all. I looked for my mate, and there he was; I walked over and put my arm around him, and tried to kind of curl up and hide against his chest, like a shy child might with their mother. I felt intensely shy about all these other people, as if they were more than I was ready to deal with.

...They are 'of' you as well, the senior told me. I held harder to the third, not wanting to see. It was hard enough accepting that my soul could somehow have three others involved with it---let alone that I was a 'smaller perspective' than they were, and the fourth of four---that took years.

... There must have been about 12-16 other people there.

... It is already so, you know, he said. It is only a matter of acceptance. He was quoting me back at me!---I wrote that about my 'Abyss' experience back in my Bewilderness days. I gathered up my courage and agreed, and turned to greet them.

The people spread out from the four of us, and I had the definite sense of a geometric, fractal pattern, that the combination of us "composed" something. Long ago, I had merged with the three and had a similar sense.

... This time, there were lights less like white energy ball-spheres, and more like small but intensely bright glimmering things, and each person had several of them. We all connected together, as if the several we each carried were all fitted into a net or matrix or sorts, a pattern, somewhat spread out. I gazed on it from the inside and suddenly realized: it's like being within the stars. Like a star-map in 3D, like floating in space.

Every man and every woman is a star, I remembered once reading, and then I remembered my experience with a universe as an idea incarnate. My relationship within the four is of one nature; the added people are more than an expansion, they are more like a... like a different nature of connectivity

I'm biased, sure, but I suspect that in Cambodia, those temple towers with four faces? That this is a symbol for what I call "the four-fold soul".


I also suspect that in Vedic art, those gods with 8 arms or more? That this is how they are representing four (or more) personas in one. That the arms each holding a different object or symbol represent different identity-focuses.



So while on one hand I find nothing in "Western writings" to make me feel sane, to match my own experience, I suspect that some of that stuff in the East might.


My friend L was googling trying to find anything that would describe something similar like a group soul, or being one in four. He found this rather fascinating sync. This is I guess a book excerpt about someone's NDE. http://www.dharma-talks.com/soul_group.htm This syncs to The Four:

I noticed three other light fragments that became brighter. They had silhouette shapes. Not clearly defined but I recognized them as other beings. It seemed like they were separating themselves from the light and coming to me. As they did, I could sense them projecting “welcome home” as if we were family and that there was joy in our reunion. I never had those strong feelings in life. This felt stronger and more binding than anything I had experienced in my life. I was now home, together with these beings. Since then, I have come to call them my Soul Group or Soul Family.

And this syncs to the Consortium:

Beyond the original three, there were more light beings coming and joining us. They didn't really communicate, at least not in a way that you and I are accustomed to. There were maybe a dozen in all. Some of them were behind others so I couldn’t see them as clearly as the ones closest to me, but they were all around me. These others were like family, but not as close as the first three.

Huh. I don't know... seems like a big coincidence. I don't know how long it took L googling to find that but it seems the only thing he found. Of course we both know of the 'group soul' concept from Jane Roberts's works. It was the one thing I always found hardest to understand or accept, so it's so ironic it would be the one that has played the biggest part in my experience.

I wanted to know myself. Truly. That has led me to The Four, and eventually to the twelve. The Third of Four told me he worked with other groupings too.

Is there some point to this eventually, I wonder?

For the moment I feel like I just need to be consistent, and trust, and see where it takes me.

PJ

Maelee, L'Anna, Healers and Blocks

I've been sick with asthma, allergies, cold symptoms, for over six weeks. Longest I have ever been sick in my life. Mind you it's not bad for most of that, it's just annoying and saps my energy to do much of anything. The problem is that off and on, I've been eating terribly. Pizza will give me asthma for days. Bread and pasta will give me major asthma for 1-2 days. Junk food (fast food, packaged food) with gluten will make it even worse. The less energy I have the less I feel like cooking and cleaning, so this becomes a sort of downward spiral.

Because my eating the last couple weeks has been terrible--all of those things--by last night I had realized that even my Albuterol inhaler was failing to clear up my lungs more than about 50%. My breathing sounded frightening, as it has for a long time, but especially because I'd eaten a bunch of pumpernickel bread with fresh garlic cheese spread just earlier. Even with the inhaler it'd be a miracle if I breathed much during sleep (I have such sleep apnea anyway), and by morning my asthma would be bad enough to make me sound like a Darth Vader choir. Again.

Some kind of self-destructive, I am.

**

As far as 'physical representations' of the Aeons go, I've spent more time on Mei Lee than any of the others. Maybe than all of the others.

The problem is, there is a picture, a painting actually, that she chose from my memory. A pointedly un-asian woman (go figure, given her name*), that I could have sworn was from a Michael Parkes painting, a Botticelli-esque woman but less soft, of red-blonde hair, pulled up on her head, with very fine alabaster features. Despite searching through every Parkes painting I could find online, and might I add that is really a lot, despite finding 'slightly similar' women in many of his works, I could not find this one, and the others did not have a clear face-shot. I had two different 'temporary' pictures which were not counter to the energy but didn't really meet it, either.

(Updated 21NOV09: Mei Lee later suggested that "Maelee" was better. Same sound, but my assumption of asian - because I have a friend with a similar sounding name - was incorrect. I guess that explains why she had red-blonde hair and such fair skin. I'm not sure how any of this could matter, seems like it could all be my imagination and I don't even HAVE a visual for some of them like Nedlund and Ithikah! Anyway so I've changed her name in the blog so the tags will work right.)

As retarded as it sounds (I know), when I am working on better 'attention to' and 'integration with' energies/entities/whatever that are, for lack of a better word, 'meta'-physical, it helps immensely to have something that IS 'physical'. Even just a name. A face. An idea. A symbol. Something which brings that energy into 'this' reality and anchors it here -- even if it's only in my mind. Although the desire to make this physical, like in talismans or jewelry, is still very strong with me.

Yesterday I spent a couple more hours working on a picture that SHE felt comfortable with and after much googling, finally found one -- imperfect, but workable. I was irked slightly, as it's of a famous actress and I much prefer paintings of people who don't really exist for the Aeons, or at least that I have no previous association with (such as Ray's); I feel like it "complicates" things, when I do. Especially when it's a picture of someone that in most poses is hardly the same energy but in that post just happens to look, I admit, strikingly similar.

So yesterday evening I was asking Maelee to work with me, help me get to know her better. I felt distant from her, though I imagine her standing just to my left. I asked L'Anna to help, as she is a healer, to help heal our relationship and bring us better together. I asked IG to help, and then it occurred to me (I can thank IG for this I'm sure) that I should look at my OWN body as if it were an archetype or healing subject, and look for blocks or other issues. I was surprised at how easily I was able to separate my perspective to a third place where IG had been standing and look back at myself.

There were these 3-D shapes/objects all over inside me, actually inside the larger energy-sheath of my body as well, an area about two feet out, not just the area inside the skin. There was a very large solid one right in the middle of my left upper arm, on the side but all the way through it. It was shaped like a squat cone, and seemed to be made of rubber. It triggered a memory in me:

In a near-dream state I once visited a healing team, some group of men, and when they focused in me I became aware of all these little tiny versions of that same shape and composite. I understood from them somehow, that these were "blocks" and the sense of rubber was because they were pointedly "non-conductive". They were energy blocks in the true sense. The healers removed these and they created these energy thoughtforms kind of like batteries, with lots of intense energy rolled into a tight dense short solid tube shape, but something almost like thin sheaths of protective material wrapped into these in layers, that would dissolve gradually over time, so the energy would bleed out into me little by little, ongoing.

So this was just a really BIG version of the 'non-conductivity block'. Why these are shaped like squat cones, I have no idea.

I put my hand out and wrapped my hand (it just barely fit) around the shape-object. I felt energy rushing through my whole body when I did, nearly like a minor archetype merge. I imagined dissolving that block until it was nothingness and pouring some energy in there to make sure it was all smooth and full and healthy, and I had real energy-fuzzies through my whole body during that.

Then I think I asked for the wrong thing, sorta. Or the right thing, but not what I expected. I don't remember the detail alas. But suddenly my perspective shifted, I was much farther away and above, and could see an 'energy body' for myself that was vastly larger though it got 'less dense' as it extended.

And way up high, "in" my energy sheath still yet quite far from my body physically -- in space, as I perceived it, it was about six to ten feet above my head -- was this funky metal shape, kind of like a tiny satellite dish, a concave shape with some other complications. And then farther up still, a few feet up, was another metal shape, but this one seeming more like a sort of cube with a triangle/pyramid shape facing away. I think maybe the shape is a symbol because I had the sense that the concave shape projected some kind of energy toward/into me, while also communicating something about my energy to that smaller shape which then sent that information out to... er, somewhere else. Except this wasn't normal. I mean it felt like it was clearly "manmade" so to speak -- almost more from technology than 'just' intent -- and it felt like this had some degree of interference in my energy.

I asked both Maelee and L'Anna to join with me and help heal me and I began the process of dealing with this, whatever it might be.

But apparently I passed out. I was awake, then I was asleep.

I slept longer than I expected for someone so asthmatic (my body normally wakes me up struggling for oxygen). When I woke up, it took me about 10 minutes to realize something was different: I could breathe. Better than I've breathed in six weeks. My lungs were TOTALLY clear. Now given the quantity of gluten I've eaten the last 3 days and so much last night and that I was wheezing profoundly when I passed out -- and it gets worse overnight and is terrible in the morning -- this was beyond just 'unusual'. I kept breathing in deeply in awe, like it was surely kidding, and any second now it would turn out to be some misunderstanding. But no. My lungs and bronchial tubes were CLEAR.

I had to credit this to Maelee and L'Anna as it's a phenomenon I have no other explanation for. When I thought of them, and thought a thank you at them, I got a whole-body rush, like an archetype merge.

This morning, after feeding the cats and so on, I went back to the meditation. First I asked to see all the body blocks related to Maelee and then first imagined clearing them up one by one and finally just body-wide. That was going pretty well so I asked to see my blocks for all the Consortium--my body was suddenly stuffed with every imaginable shape/size object--and I worked on just dissolving ALL of it at once body-wide. I had a lot of rushing feelings while doing this so I felt it was effective.

Then I went to work on the weird metal thing. This is like some kind of odd paranoia maybe? Why would I imagine something like that? Some interference with me from seemingly outside? Is there any such thing as 'outside' in an archetype model?! It is very confusing, philosophically and literally.

I had the sense that if I screwed with the small cube with pyramid-shaped end pointing up away from my body, that somehow... someone... would know. That it would get their attention. This is so ridiculous, I was thinking to myself. But you have to go with what you get or there's no point to this kind of work. So I asked for the Angelics and IG as well as Maelee and L'Anna to help me, and I said, I want this reprogrammed so that it will continue seeming to send the minimum signal expected which will prevent it or me drawing any attention to me. The equivalent of putting a static tape loop on a live security camera, to make it 'seem' like everything is fine and nothing is going on, the hallways are empty. This took awhile to feel like it was done acceptably. It no longer had a connection to the concave shape farther down. Then I moved it much farther out/away from me as I felt that wouldn't matter.

Then I tried to dissolve the concave satellite-ish shape, but it wasn't working. It was like it really was made of mental-metal and my ordinary "send energy at it" approach was having like no effect at all. I thought about it for awhile, waiting for ideas to come spontaneously. There had to be some solution, I told myself, though I was eventually feeling kind of hopeless.

Finally, I had this idea: if it were real, no matter what metal it was made from, there would be some molecular compound which would eat away at it. Like causing oxidation or rust. Nothing is eternal. All I needed was to create that compound, apply it, and then "accelerate time" in that object's space. So I did this, and watched it gradually dissolve, catching the dissolving energy in my own holding area, until the bowl of it was totally gone, then I directly applied that to all the odd shapes of it remaining.

Strangely I did not feel any rushing during any of this. IG has told me before I have the wrong expectations and that is only one sign of effect and that powerful things can happen without me feeling it in my body. I know I'm a child about this but I like the body-feelings. I feel it's so intangible without that.

So, it's just another day. But after six weeks of illness and being lost in the worst food-intolerance-sparked additional-asthma I've had in years, I woke up 100% breathing-healthy, and I feel I have better integrated with Maelee, and spent a little more time with L'Anna, and have dealt with some blocks in me related to them and others of the Consortium. So all in all, it seems to be going well.

PJ

Aeons aka Guides

I have a background on my computer desktop of the aeons I've talked about on this blog, and a few others. I thought maybe I should post it for general reference and talk a little about how it came about.

I've had the feeling I want something to physically represent them around me. As if I feel the need to "bring them into my reality" more physically. I am still thinking about it. Talismans? Wind Chimes? No idea. But while thinking about it I decided to do an 'image'-based version of a little chart I was keeping with 'where they appeared around me'.

This is the group I originally called 'The Consortium'. A group of some multiple of 4 that was 'a layer out' of "me" -- out from the Four. Not long ago I was wondering why IG had not introduced me, nor had I spontaneously met, any new Consortium members in quite a long time. I had the feeling Nero was suggesting they were complete. I went to my list and realized that made 12. I had guessed at 12 or 16 being the final number.

I went looking for a picture to represent Nero. I thought to myself that I would just enter google terms to match his general visage, then go through pics and see what I felt best about. What I found the instant I started was that he was present and had an opinion of his own. When he saw what he felt was best for me to choose, it had nothing to do with the fact that the man had much darker hair, was younger, had no strong roman nose, and so was rather different to me physically. Something about how *I* felt about the picture -- more a sort of 'my relationship to it and how it made me feel about the person' -- is what matched.

Bolehren was similar. The pic she chose was darker than she, and in my view didn't look a lot like her aside from female with brown hair, but she loved how I felt about the picture (the woman is adorable) and felt that was perfect.

Taan chose a picture that wasn't even a person but I find endearing and funny every time I see it. It matches his sense of humor and the ongoing innate joy he has.

Ray is short and strong but disliked all my dwarf googling (with some disgust) and chose something more like a strong man.

L'Anna was easy because she had appeared in the guise of a TV character to begin with, saying my attention to that character in the previous days was partly coming from her, to make our introduction easier.

Nedlund I have only seen eyes so far. Not close enough or integrated I guess. I'm still waiting to see more of him so I can find something to better match.

Hot ___ I still haven't got his second half of name yet. And he is not as egyptian looking as his pic, or maybe he is moreso but just not that exact thing, but where else is there a pic of something like that, I ask you. (Update: Hot Amanakhaton is his full name.)

Marcan (who originally gave me the name Marcus) also chose a pic for himself darker than he really is to me, and I couldn't remember where I'd seen that real person before until I remembered: a TV character I liked very well once who actually went by the name Marcus in the show (Babylon 5). That seemed a little funny, and makes it more iffy where imagination bleeds into this archetypal game of identifying with internal aspects, doesn't it.

Maelee matches a painting of a woman I cannot find. Hers is temporary until I stumble on something else that matches better. She is blonde with hair pulled back, an intelligent but lovely face, a bit elegant in look. [edited 11/15/09 when I updated this pic: I didn't want to use the actor I found but oddly enough the look in this picture matches her pretty well.]

Ithikah is only the 'shape' he gave me of himself, and rolled out inside me. Nothing comes close to that except that actual shape.

Jared the roman centurion and El Nino his black stallion came out ok. I have been talking with Jared and El Nino off and on lately. Trying to warm Jared up to me. I feel drawn to him but he still acts as if he is separate and slightly resentful of me.

Calmé liked that pic we found. She is darling internally as well.

The four elementals-of-soul in the middle, with IG at top. It is a nice reminder for me. At IG's suggestion I sometimes visualize hugging or holding hands with each of them. Having a sort of visual, no matter how silly it kind of must be to others, does help me establish a thought form place for them inside me.

It's on an otherwise black desktop screen. So fairly dark and decent for meditating.

The irony to all this is that at one time I reacted so badly to any of them. I felt almost hysterical and angry or afraid. And now I feel like I love them and need them and I often feel great gratitude for them, and wonder how it was I could go so long without knowing and feeling them as part of me.

Recently in a half-daydream some woman tried to introduce herself to me as an aeon from a different grouping. I told her to get lost. So apparently the resistance hasn't passed, only to this particular group. They are all so awesome.

I have wondered, is it coincidence that Ithikah is very tall and HA is hugely tall, and they are front and back? Is it coincidence that the two to each side are fair women and both something to do with healing and more, I sense? My impression of their positioning (which they allowed me to put in a circle but had their opinions on how that should work) was always that, as one of them once said, it did matter a little, but not much. It was just mildly representative of our relationship.

I've had a few more conversations about 'awareness' with them. I still don't have much of it. Mostly Nero, when it does come through.

PJ
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Taan and a Hostile Moment

I went to see IG last night. It was her turn to choose. I don't know what happened. I was there... I was wide awake I thought... and I woke up this morning.

I hadn't been breathing well given the swelling in my right hand. I was having some dream that in my little girl's dojo, some woman had freaked out and between my kid and a young man who was a blackbelt, she had been killed, somewhat accidentally. It was a big heavy darkness on the sensei and on the two people involved. Someone brought in her body. There were two 2" thick long bags, bizarrely. It looks like two real thin rifle cases or something. Anyway...

I went back to IG first thing. Apologized for apparently passing out in the middle of a sentence or something. Told her I was ready for whatever she wanted me to meditate on.

I turned to the archetype, but I could see him oddly well for an arch with an issue; not very well, but he felt different. Just a man, ordinary. I couldn't see anything on him that needed cleaning, healing, adjustment, etc. I eyed him suspiciously.

Me: Are you an archetype?
Him: No. I'm another from your Consortium, as you call it.

I said nothing for awhile.

Me: I think this is AOL. Like some expectation, based on my last meditation being a guide.
Him: Your last meditation wasn't a guide. You've done archetype work since then.
Me: Oh yeah. Well but so what! That isn't the point. I think you're not... real. That I'm just imagining the whole thing. And why do you keep smiling?
Him: That's my nature.
Me: Well maybe I don't like your nature.
Him: You're a little hostile, but it's ok.

I stood silently for awhile more.

Me: What do you allegedly work on with me?
Him: Energy patterns.

I eyed him warily.

Me: Oooh Aaah. ALL guides work with energy patterns. That's a stock answer.
Him: Patterns within and related to your body.

I imagined colored shapes moving around inside me.

Me: Then make me feel something. Tangibly. Physically.

He grinned at me. His grinning at me just pissed me off for some reason.

Him: That's the skeptic route. You know it doesn't matter. If I give you that, you'll just think it wasn't enough, or you imagined it, or it still doesn't count unless I repeat it over and over, and so on. Anybody in that frame of mind is not going to be convinced by anything. You of all people know this, right?
Me: You're just avoiding the issue.

I felt as if something were pressing against my left cheek, and pulling it slightly.

Me: Is that you on my face?
Him: You're already telling yourself you're imagining it.
Me: Of course I am! (I snarled)

I felt like crossing my arms and sulking.

Me: Nero! -(He appeared a bit to my left.)- Is this guy really one of you?
Nero: Yes.
Me: Am I deluding myself?
He grinned.
Nero: Yes, somewhat.
Me: What? If he's really a guide, how am I deluding myself?
Nero: You're not really letting him through. The work he does is not just about moving the colored shapes in your body that you modeled it as internally.
Me: Well what's he really do?
Nero: He deals with your perception of self in relation to the world. How your energy interacts with the larger world and how you perceive yourself as related to that world.
Me: I thought he worked with my body. I had the feeling like, what it looked like, sort of.
Nero: That amounts to the same thing.
Me: It does not! Those are two completely different things! --And why is he so fucking cheerful?!
Nero: You really ARE cranky and hostile, you know.

I stomped away from him and glared at the other guy.

Me: So what is your alleged name?

I heard what sounded like a dozen names at once somehow. All of them had a sound like flat-A "AN" or "AM" in it. All the men's names I know that include that -- Dan, Adam, etc. -- flashed 'around' me somehow.

Me: Aw hell. Nero, IG, I have that problem again. I can feel the energy, I can hear a syllable, but I can't find the right shape of the sound.

I worked on it. Really tried to be open to it. Finally I said:

Me: "Taan" is the best I can do for now. I have the feeling there is somehow a 'doubling' of that energy-sound, like "twice as much energy in that shape as that word has", but when I try two syllables that feels even more wrong.

Taan: 'Taan' will do. I'm fine with that.

{note: edited this post later to change spelling which felt wrong.}

Still feeling like I'd rather send him away or punch him for some reason, rather than work with him, I forced myself to imagine taking his hands, and then slid my arms around him in a hug.

He started laughing. I knew why. I could feel that when I hugged him, the 'separation' between us became like a molecular layer of metal. He was definitely not getting through if I had my way.

"IG, help," I said with a sigh, and felt the layer of division dissolve. I hugged him again and felt that we were more integrated then, and I pulled him fully into me, but I didn't really feel a merge.

I walked back to her.

"I'm sorry I fell asleep last night," I said, wondering. I don't even remember what was going on when I did. Nada zip zero. I have to wonder if I was actually in the middle of something I had such an issue with that some part of me isn't remembering on purpose. "Thanks for helping me," I finally said, not knowing what else to say.

She said nothing, but nodded her head slightly.

I felt depressed. A little angry but mostly depressed. No idea why. I moved back to my plateau through the normal route but at near light speed, rolled it up inside me.

My computer almost didn't start for some reason.

My webserver at blog.palyne.com ATE the last 24 hours of my activity on that website as of yesterday around 7pm, and despite all my emails pleading, has failed to restore it and it's now over 12 hours later, which might mean it's lost forever. They haven't responded to the emails either which is weird as they normally are very prompt with service.

Somehow, both things, my computer's slow boot that stopped until I popped the DVD drive out and in again, and my home webserver having failed to restore itself or respond, just seemed like it was completely appropriate in the energy I was sitting in.

I still feel depressed. As if some energy inside me is just not... right. I know it must be related to why I was so hostile because Taan seemed so cheerful. But I don't feel like dealing with it right now. I kind of feel like throwing darts at someone. So I'm just going to go back to sleep I think. If I can.