The Sacred Space
When I first 'go to meditate', I 'unroll an inner world' that I imagine is kept stored in a microdot in my heart chakra. My 'sacred space' as I was taught to call it. Unlike most people's warm safe shady garden-like area, mine is a high plateau of stone, warm enough from a desert-like environ, but arid and windy up that high.
It's curious to me this is what I was most attracted to. There is nothing in my life experience along these lines, short of maybe a couple visits to the Southwest, which didn't make much impression on me besides the Grand Canyon being rather amazing.
I have often dreamed about being on Mars, in an environment a little like this in a way, except among 'ruins' of some kind. In the dreams, it feels like the ultimate 'longing for home', and things just impossibly big in some way, but everything there is millions of years of dead, creating a "lonely homesickness" inside me that is physically palpable.
I've had a lot of other dreams related to Mars that are just odd, from 'programmed dreams' of earth people having a future there (having been rescued by aliens :-)) to what you might call ordinary or metaphysical dreams that just touch on the concept (me and a certain friend [who is insanely psychic] are sometimes in dreams together about it, often with funny symbolisms like 'red tickets' to Mars and a lot of intrigue).
I feel very safe in this space. Nothing can come at me from anywhere really, but the sky, which feels pretty improbable and I'd see it coming. It's like a small space but totally open for my 360 degree vision around me. Kind of like the ultimate 'keep'-effect perhaps; my moat is over a thousand feet deep and wide is all. I won't sit in restaurants with my back to an open space -- I'm just not comfortable, I want my back to a wall -- so maybe this is some suppressed paranoia effect. Anyway, when I built the space that felt safest to me 20 years or so ago, that's how it ended up.
This environment, like everything else in my inner world, is subject to change, both deliberately and seemingly autonomously, and a little of both. ('Imaginal' is what that 'combination of both autonomous- and intentional- is called. Not imagination, but that + a totally separate-from-you thing that combines for some third-realm. I consider most of archetype work to be "imaginal" in that definition.)
The Plateau
When I roll out the inner world, I am sitting or standing (in whatever manner I am physically) on my plateau. The ground is rock with a thin layer of a sort of dirt that is just the powdered crumb of rock, reddish-brown. I actually found a picture by accident one day that so reminded me of my "sacred space" that I bought it and made it the background for my first esoteria blog, Red Cairo. In this picture, the place where I am centered/appear, is about in the middle of the block of plateaus near the middle-left of the pic, the part where they seem to kind of join together more. Off to the rear of that group (the continuance of the cliffs) is where things develop for me in that outer-world--the plateaus kind of grow to just be a flattop area.
In the right of the picture, "the rest of the world", my back is to that when I appear. I've never explored any of that.
To the left of the picture, that is what I'm facing, the area I go into to find my 'cave' and through that, yet-another world that is my 'Archetype'/Inner-Guide area. That is like a 'valley' of sorts that I look down into from my plateau. On the far side of the valley, the cliffs change to mountains.
I got this picture from Fotolia, which I recommend as a fabulous and affordable stock photo site, but I lost the artist/copyright name and haven't been able to find it even on their website to add it. It was titled, 'Surface of the Fantastic Planet'.
I really like heights (which is odd, I know). It was almost surreal how much this fantasy picture looked like what I had visualized a decade prior, although more from the first-person 'on top of those central plateaus' perspective, and mine didn't have all the 'extra' plateaus around (or the giant alien sun/moon lol).
Anyway, the plateau is a lot more extensive now. Originally it looked a lot like the picture. Just one of those high rock-plateaus. Eventually, over at the far right of it I found this giant 'trench' as if between plateaus or a break of sorts. On the other side of the trench, some ways off, I built a house. Deliberately, as part of a meditation exercise. It was two stories and had a huge front door.
Dor
I later recruited an energy-block I had found inside myself, turned it to MY side, seduced it by telling it that it could be a door instead of a wall and play BOTH roles, evolve, if it would work with me instead of against me. I named it Dor and used to have relationship with him. He was interesting and could "give me insight" that made me gape with astonishment, very impressive. He wanted energy as trade, which was ok with me.
One day The Four just 'disconnected me' from Dor, and made me take off the pendant I wore (that he'd requested and I'd had made as a physical anchor for his energy). They did not feel it was appropriate or allowed he hang out in me. Go figure. They didn't even give me any argument room. It just "was". Later I thought that perhaps it was not healthy or something and just needed to be done; he was an 'internal attachment', an entity created by other entities; not an innate part of me.
The House
Every day I would fly out to the house on the other side of the trench and sit on the couch and imagine talking to an 'outer guide' or two. It 'sort of' went ok. I could not directly hear or see them, but if I "relaxed and allowed" I would get the "intuitive understanding" following anything I asked.
I used to do archmeds daily and when you are consistent with these, let alone if you do them in a slightly altered state, the results are something you just have to experience to even believe what's possible. This work becomes a literal virtual reality, where the characters (and structures and environment) are "autonomous" and everything just surprises the shit out of you constantly and is amazing.
As time went on the house got busier. It looked like the Star Wars bar scene! All kinds of weird alienish, faeryish, creatureish, animalish, machineish, critters-people-things all over the place. My house was the hip hang-out for things even scifi has never dreamed of. The funny thing was that most of them didn't pay any attention to me, it wasn't like they were all there 'for' me or anything. Maybe the house was such an energy beacon it just attracted passing identities, who knows?
There really WAS a 'bar' at the far side of the house, and it functioned kind of like a saloon/hotel, with rooms upstairs and more. It was really pretty astounding after awhile, as if it was totally growing without even awareness on my part let alone anything intentional. I would just walk in and it was a little larger and had some new area, like a lucid dream but more... consistent.
All I know is that it was really, really amazing, and while the inner environ was constantly in flux, the overall environ was consistent and got "more real" all the time. All of this work is building thoughtforms of course, so the more regularly and intensely you put energy into them, the more powerful they become.
Things changed and I didn't meditate for a really long time. When I went back, the house was no longer vibrant, had a 'black and white shades of grey' old-photo feel and was forlornly empty and dusty when I went in. I wandered it and then sat alone and nearly cried. It was like going back to the house you grew up in and instead of your whole family-friends you expected, finding that everything and everybody had been wiped off the map and it's a condemned shell in a ghost town. I vanished the house and ignored any 'other possible areas' of my plateau for years.
The Castle
Then one day, during a period when The Four and I were interacting a lot, I saw this building, down on another plateau separated and on the valley side. The plateau was tiny, literally the building took up the entire space on it and you had to fly to get to it. It was like a single-room of some ancient white marble-esque structure, open on all four sides, somehow both minimist and elegant while also being impossibly opulent.
It reminded me a lot of the paintings of [still looking for his name here] in some way, he has these white castles in the sky with surrealist stuff. It was as if THEY had put it there, NEAR my sacred space. I went down to it and inside it--and to my mind came an overlay from verse, #51 in chapter 1 of Liber al vel Legis that reads:
There are four gates to one palace; the floor of that palace is of silver and gold; lapis lazuli & jasper are there; and all rare scents; jasmine & rose, and the emblems of death. Let him enter in turn or at once the four gates; let him stand on the floor of the palace.
I've often wondered if this verse has some mild reference to 'the Four'; if I could not merge and be all of them in our groupsoul, how could one enter 'at once the four gates'? But maybe I'm just so desperate for any written-philosophy that matches my experiential-reality that I am stretching it a bit.
I went in and I don't remember the meditation, but the next time I unrolled my inner space it had changed again, and radically. The 'trench' had vanished. The separate tiny plateau with castle-room had vanished. And over to my right there was now this huge walled garden that stretched out for eons, and I followed it until I reached the outer landscape of a castle in the distance. (The garden is not there now unless I request it. I had many experiences there but then it just went away.)
There is a really long, shallow pool that stretches probably about 1/8 of a mile from the garden [far right of me] to the castle proper. The bottom of it is a multi-colored stone mosaic in a 'double helix' DNA-looking pattern -- 2 of 2; The Four. (I had never thought of DNA or genetics related to The Four until then.) I see it when I fly over it toward the castle.
The Tower
The castle is where 'The Four' are centered. We each have our own area in it. Up near the top, there is a big round room called 'The Tower'. (There are actually separate higher towers of the normal sort around the castle, but this is inside it, in the middle.) The Senior had told me to "come to the Tower" but I didn't know what he meant, except that it was in/on the castle. I wandered the castle until gold light arrows appeared in the air in front of me, and literally led me through it, and up a big spiral staircase, until I reached the tower room which is up high.
Inside the tower is a huge symbol on the floor I've never looked closely at (waiting until it 'spontaneously' shows itself to me, so that my mind won't make it into something imaginatively). As "The Four" we are always there; it is a matter only of whether I am 'paying attention'. That is like the anchor place for us 'inside me'.
I usually go to my mate and wrap my arms around him, and put my head against his chest and just relax and breathe into him. The Senior and The Queen as I call them, the other 'higher' couple of our Four, are there and sometimes talk to me/us. They are 'holy' and although in one way I feel part of them and comfortable with that, in another way I have a sense of respect-AWE for them that makes me a little more inhibited. Inner Guide can be there if I ask for IG but is not unless I ask.
The Four insisted on introducing me to a whole group of other guides there at one point, which for some reason deeply upset me. I held onto my mate like a scared child and refused to deal with them. Eventually, unwillingly, and with IG's help, I shook their hands. Aside from Nero, who had showed up in a remote viewing session (but not part of the target, I knew) just prior to that, I didn't have any conscious clarity on any of them. Then I avoided the tower.
I started hanging out 'outside' it, a roof-like area of stone (the top story of the castle, which is outdoors). Since I refused to go in there, a lot of stuff "came to me" outside instead. There were some meditation experiences stemming from that, and I did a little archetype work inside the tower, but I have avoided the castle since that time. Even when I go to my 'sacred space', I am aware of it in the distance, but I avoid going there.
The Senior tells me I should be going there regularly to work with them. I know he is divine and that not obeying him is just crazy, but I have such resistance. I didn't want to meet all the people he seemed to want to introduce me to. I feel threatened by that.
It feels as if they are 'the next geometry out' of the Four, which is why I assume something mathematical and that perhaps there is like 12 or 16 or something like that, but I really don't know. The understanding I get, if this is accurate, is that somehow the more consciously aware I am of them, the more awareness I technically have of 'myself' because they are and/or represent energies that are also-me, and the more 'inherent power' I have as a result--control over my larger self of energy.
I am not real ambitious at this point in my life and it feels like Nero, the Four, pretty much everybody inside me, seems to have a lot higher expectations of me than I am living up to.
I haven't been to the tower in a long time. It doesn't appear that avoiding it helps, since IG promptly started stuffing Guides into my experience as if the Senior had told her to; there is no escape!
I might add that I think the reason I react so badly to this, with such fear and resistance, is that it's a form of death. The definition of "I" is seriously expanded -- that is to say, changed, hence obliterated and rebuilt differently -- with every new 'part of me' that I have to extend the "umbrella of identity to cover". Literally, it threatens the very core of my ego.
Outer Guides
When I unroll the inner world, I always have a sense of 'people there' who are 'around me', spread out all over the plateau. Sometimes I sense a few, sometimes many. The more 'regularly' I meditate, the more there. When I plan something major in meditation ahead of time, or am unusually emotional, more are there. Nero and others can be there or not as I choose.
The woman who taught me shamanic workings of various sorts, including archetype meditations (although (a) she based this on Steinbrecher's book so some I got from him, too, and (b) of course this 'evolves' with the meditator themselves over time), she called all these people "outer guides", as opposed to the singular "Inner Guide" that, from my 'sacred space', I would go through a cave to find. I don't know if 'outer guides' is the right label for them.
One time, I invited a so-called 'outer guide' from there (a woman I knew named them this), into an 'inner guide' meditation. He seemed blown away by the experience, which I found interesting. The next day when I went in there was an entire crowd that wanted to go, that he'd invited--it was like a college class of young men or something, totally rowdy with energy, I kept having to tell them to settle down.
So there seems to be a real difference between the 'identities' I was taught to call 'outer guides', and my actual Inner Guide (one identity, but it changes out from time to time), and 'Archetypes', and The Four (like a group-soul I think), and what I call my Consortium (initially I called them the Coalition), which is a bunch of people that are (a) extensions of The Four and (b) apparently 'Guides' in the typical sense. They tell me that I and they 'overlap' in energy, that we are meant to operate seamlessly and that much of what I think comes from or is 'me' is as much them. I find it all confusing but I'm getting better at accepting it.
I don't know what that leaves for the people on my plateau to be. They don't seem like any of the above. This would all be so much easier if these entities would fit into the little categories my culture already has. Then I'd have some decent model for them.
Instead I usually have the experiences and then struggle to find a way for my brain to handle it and know how to label it and relate it to everything else in my experience. Wouldn't you think there would be more written down? Aside from Jung and Steinbrecher and Jane Roberts -- all dead now, and their work related to my stuff but is not quite the same -- who writes about this stuff??
It is pitiful to imagine that someday in the future, someone will have nobody but me, some nobody-blogger, for shared experience on these things. Surely there are far more qualified, better written, more experienced people who ought to be documenting some of this stuff.
Body Guides
When I sink into the ground atop my cliff for various body-related meditations, there's a whole other cast of characters.
I once was taken on a tour of one of my eyes. I arrived in a slightly wet dark dank area, and met a frog with huge eyes. He opened a big trap door staircase in the ceiling for me and made it clear he could not go, just me, but that I needed to climb up and go to the end of the hall it led to. I went up it and then walked down a hallway, ignoring the doors, and a door at the end opened. A lizard-guy made entirely of ice (yet dry) was like a silent guide. (He appeared at the end of the meditation as well, and then melted into nothingness.)
He took me to a man with a beard in a suit and a british accent. That's hilarious. I guess I must have some association with men in suits with british accents that worked well for that energy. The man showed me around the eye. Told me that he was, get this, "the collective representative identity for the energy of my eyes," how crazy does that sound. He told me they needed more hydration and I literally signed a scroll for him officially authorizing a larger allotment of water intake to his area. I told him that he made it seem almost like "body politics," competition for a limited natural resource as if it were money, and he said dryly, "You have no idea."
The eye -- seen from the back I believe -- in that perception was mind-bogglingly fantastic. It was like the most complicated computer graphic scene in a movie EVER but in 3D (at least). There was this small part-rounded, short (few feet high) 'wall'-like area at the side of the room, and we went over to it and looked over it -- it was totally open beyond that, no floor, as if we were at least a few stories up.
The space went way down and some ways down was this gigantic round (galaxy-like, sorta) collection of individual buckey-ball shaped slightly-convex thin 'plates' and they were all in constant motion not only individually but also moving slowly around together (but irregularly together, like water molecules in a tide). There was something akin to a metal bucket filled with fluid at one side that I decided was my symbol for part of a tear duct maybe.
The 'concept' slightly reminded me of a big radio telescope made from a million little mini-telescope-plates except these really were individual with a slight space between them and the whole thing had that "elegance of divine technology" feel that some body-based remote viewing targets have had for me (like one I did on red blood cells).
But that's something akin to body-identities so that isn't a 'guide' either. I guess. Long ago in one of the most profound experiences I've ever had, a realization came to me: "Identity is an arbitrary collection of consciousness assigned a title" -- that it could be infinitely combined or separated -- and my experiences with my body, such as the eye I mentioned above, and such as 'Captain of the Guard', make me think this must be true.
Maybe we are all many things on many levels and all at once.
I have had other 'body-type' experiences and I usually sink into the cliff for them as if the plateau overall represents my body.
Back to people on the plateau
Very little that I do seems to affect the people on the plateau, so a lot of my inspiration for trying to send them energy or something has faded. I really just don't know what to do with them, who they are or why they're there. I assume they're related to me or why would they be present. I think of them as 'guides' sort of, but some I apparently have no interaction with to speak of. There are more of them when I'm doing 'regular' work or when I have planned something serious in advance.
At times I've held hands with some and attempted to introduce myself. I "go deaf" and "blind" when I try to very consciously talk with them--this is my own denial. I am only gradually, slightly, working through the same problem with everything in the archetype area. Getting better.
Once upon a time, a man named Brin was out on the plateau, and Stet -- 'outer guides' it appeared. Them, I perceived, much like I do Nero. Brin I once actually saw and heard as clearly as I would someone in regular life, one day, and I freaked out about that. A short time later, I spontaneously 'released' him--an intuitive act, I was just letting it roll -- so he disappeared, delightedly enough to nearly hurt my feelings.
The strange thing was that I had two cats when I met them, both big males, one half siamese and one a ginger tabby. Brin and Stet were asian and something akin to "an auburn cowboy" which hilariously fit the cats. I would never have noticed this sync if it were not for the fact that the siamese's name was Brynner (after Yul Brynner the actor) and I called him Bryn. He disappeared right after I 'released' the guide Brin. Sometime later, the tabby disappeared, and I expected he would come back--he did once a couple months later for half a day--then vanished again, and I haven't seen Stet inside since then either (and much like the cat he sort of faded away without comment).
Now the thing is, part of me thinks, "Ok then it's all fantasy, you're just very creative, that just proves it." Another part of me thinks, "It makes sense that your guides would partly-manifest in your pets, to physically anchor their energy." I haven't noticed any correlation between my pets and other so-called guides. Then again aside from Brin and Stet I have not met anybody clearly who seemed in quite the same category they were.
Maybe it's my idea that everything needs a category and label that is part of the problem. Maybe we have an infinite number of relationships and they span a "spectrum" not easily labeled.
Nedmund
Last night I forced myself to act responsibly. IG has told me repeatedly that 'consistency means more than quantity' with meditation. So before I got too sleepy I made a point, for the third day in a row, to drop into my other-world.
Because I didn't blog it promptly, I've forgotten nearly all of it. Suffice to say though that it went more positively than any meditation I've done for awhile. I felt a bit odd, going into it. Happy. Relaxed. Huge sense of humor.
So I said alrighty IG, give me whatever you like, feels like it'll be a guide right! I've never felt so totally ok with that as I did last night.
I worked on his name for awhile and still am not sure that is right. The problem with this is that it is energy not alphabet that is given me. So the name is like 'Edmund' 'Redmond' 'Bledland', and yet, the sounds of "ed" and "und/and/end" are supposed to be 'together' not separate, and the flat-'ed' sound is supposed to be twice-that, and there are a little taste of some other letters in there and -- I run into this in intuitive writing/speaking, dang it -- there are a bunch of "letter-sounds that do not exist in my language" but which the energy needs for being manifested.
It really makes me wonder what effect language has on the creation of reality. Do we limit our energetic creation in part by how we limit our language?
In words we can only stretch things out in TIME; we cannot "intensify" them, if you see what I mean. So something that "should" be one syllable with several flavors, dimensions, sounds, intensities, instead has to be multiple syllables, which is both way too shallow, and way too extra, and just--wrong.
Everything that is a guide-name is a little bit wrong and may or may not sound anything like a real name as we have them. So that's why some sound so silly. It's just my pitiful translation.
I do recall now that he was really close to me, inches away, male, I noticed his eyes a lot. I asked him why he was so CLOSE to me (really in my personal space like inches from my face) and he said he wanted to be sure that I was aware of him. He took up the space to my front left, kind of opposite Bolehren.
Jared and El Niño seem to be the rear-guard; they have kind of taken up the position behind me. I like them there. For some reason that seems strong and secure. Like I have the calvary at my back or something.
I totally forgot that I talked briefly to Jared again last night while in there. I asked him why he had never had the helmet I associate with the Roman Centurions. He said he doesn't need it here. I asked him why he isn't wearing chain mail and he said leather works fine for him in this place.
Nero did say that these 'positions' the guides take are not as literal and meaningful as I am assigning them, but do have some small meaning at least. I think it helps me to use this approach though, because then everyone has a place, a name, I can fairly quickly be 'aware' of each of them without forgetting or getting too confused.
Finally
I feel like I've been kind of pushed to walk through all this as a sort of history summary. And a sort of "OK, we've recapped, now start from here, move forward more proactively now, and RETURN TO THE TOWER ALREADY" message from the Senior. Sigh. Alrighty then.
I guess since avoiding the tower did not spare me having to deal with the 'other-extensions-of-us' located there, then there is no real reason to avoid it anymore. I belong as part of The Four.
Next meditation... I'll take IG to the tower.
PJ
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