Not to complain. OK, to complain. My freaking heater went out. I paid over seven grand for a climate control system about 8-9 years ago. I've had to pay a few hundred bucks a few times now to fix various stuff. And the first night of the long holiday weekend (of course), just as the temperature finally drops to very cold (of course), my heater dies.
So after freezing for just over 5 days, they arrive to check it out and tell me I can either replace the 'heat cage' or whatever it is, or buy a whole new unit. A whole new unit, I know, would be 3-4 grand (recent quote to someone else). So that tells me the price range of the heat thing, if they're suggesting replacing the whole thing as an alternative.
This situation would result in my using a few cheap space heaters through the entire very cold midwest winter and freezing the entire time. This makes me very, very unhappy to contemplate. Very unhappy. Did I mention... unhappy. I actually was trying not to cry about it.
I have a spreadsheet of what to meditate on. I had just finished putting in the Thoth tarot on one page, and the items in our Solar System I want to do archmeds on in another page, and a ton of body parts (a few left to go) in another page. "Obviously," I told IG when the heating guy left, "I need to focus on fixing my life prior to going through a bazillion things as 'standards', yeah?"
"I dunno what I need," I griped. "But my main issue is I want to be warm and I am concerned about not having enough money. Those points need dealing with in an archetype. But you choose whatever is needed for the situation."
So I close my eyes, open up my 'space' from the middle and just walk to the tree on the plateau. IG wants me to be able to 'be anywhere' I feel, so I let her put her me in some kind of pod-thing, and I lay back in it and it closes, and when it's time I open my eyes and sit up and open the door of the pod. I'm sitting in space, in blackness, though I've a sense of various subtle distant things around.
I never know what the heck to DO on archs like that, very frustrating. I did what I did the last time I had one like that: I imagined myself becoming, or becoming aware of, myself as a gigantic energy body that expanded to totally fill that space, and imagined energy-of-me 'cleaning' it all. I had a lot of fuzzies all over while doing this so that seemed ok, but then I didn't know what to do again. I ranted at IG that it seemed stupid and I didn't know what to do. I felt so angry and impatient I could hardly stay still. I know I'm just taking it out on her.
I said, haven't I done enough you can give me another form? I don't like the space arch's! So I find myself back with her and a large medium brown very furry bear-like creature is the arch. I am nice to it and then I pull 'rain of love' and 'light of love' and so on down on both of us, and then I ask it if I can put it on a medical table as I sense it needs some kind of energy work inside, and it agrees. It needs a lot, and I focus on really pouring energy into various parts of its body that felt like they were problematic. I was sorta marveling that I was sending energy through my palms which were held out in front of me palm down, yet I felt it all the way through me in whatever body area I was focused on with him. The 'red dragon' arch had worked a little bit that way as I recalled.
I focused on going into his middle and finding the trace and following the root all the way to core for whatever energy was causing this problem, and healing it at core and then going back up the line as needed until I was at the surface again. By the time I was done (not very long) he seemed a normal size and sorta human and I was going to do the trade objects ritual, but I felt like hugging him and we did a nice body-rush merge at that point.
I wanted to do another archmed -- quick, before the 'manifestation' of the call I get from the HAC owner later with a price, I feel there is more that needs doing -- but felt I had to write this down since I've been insisting I will record my inner work.
{later}
I did another archmed... or most of one... in pieces. I said, this one should be about the 'being cold' and 'being vulnerable and helpless' and 'not having enough money' and whatever else relates. The arch was a person except they had a really big, long head, that was white, and had the weirdest solid-curly-flesh, I have nothing to compare it to. I suppose the more noteable point was that he had an arabic scimitar sword right through the middle of his head, as if someone had put it through his chin (which was abnormally low on his alien-ish yet kinda fishy face) and it was coming out the top back of the head.
I did all the basic stuff for archmeds with him. I shrunk and softened the scimitar and removed it, and dissolved it, and filled the hole with healing energy. I didn't really 'feel' anything though. I had this surprise visual of this big gold round thing sticking out horizontally from a wall, like a table with no legs but higher, and realized it was a giant gold coin, like say 10' diameter. I went to the top of it and it factured into a zillion pieces. Alien-head was getting less fishy and less alien on me and shrinking a little though. Still not human but getting closer.
We were to 'get into something' and holding his hand I took him to the edge and a rollercoaster car came up. We got in, did some swerving and speeding around (I felt that more than any other part so far), then it shifted and we were in a boat floating through some huge, dark but indoor area. Can't remember what happened after that, only that the last time I saw him he was getting pretty close to human, though still the funky solid white skin, and we were merging. I think. I felt a little, not a lot.
Seemed like I need to do a ton more work on this issue but I feel such upset it's hard to focus for it. This whole not having money with major expenses is really setting me off. I'm a renter, but the owner is my dad, and he has no money--he bought the house on sheer credit with me agreeing to do the payments/tax/insurance--so the major expenses that are all arriving with this 60 year old house, like needing to totally replace all water ductwork, totally rewire and ground it electrically, needs a new climate control thing and I already paid a ton for the last one, plus I need a car, and there's other stuff, all this and I have next to no money... it's just freaking me out I guess. I think I'm reacting to this with more than just the emotion of the heater, as if it summarizes every huge damn house expense I cannot begin to afford.
But, that's what meditative magick is for I guess. A new unit I know will cost me $3-4K. They are suggesting I consider that as an alternative to whatever the replacement thing turns out to cost, perhaps due to the unit's age and apparently huge expense anyway... I don't know how meditation can help with this, I only know the energies of my life are better if I let IG give me stuff to work with about it and I sincerely do it, so I'll have to hope for the best.
Seems to me this is the stuff -- the "watching my reality break down piece by piece" -- that archmeds are made to deal with. Of course, just DOING all the meditation/energy work I do, almost guarantees to bring my 'issues' and 'problem energies' up front and center to be 'dealt with'. Here's hoping I can do that... while not freezing to death.
PJ
Showing posts with label helplessness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label helplessness. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Archmed: Authority & Helplessness
Into my life, since childhood and still alas ever-present, is a certain "pattern of energy" that I have recognized more than once as a huge problem. Despite recognizing it, I haven't "got around to" meditating on it. Which might have continued if my friend hadn't just pointed it out. If it's so obvious it's even apparent to other people it's a major recurring issue I need to meditate on, I guess it's time.
The pattern is this: some 'more powerful' identity (a parent, a big corporation) will do something "invasive and harmful" in my life, and it will be injust or unfair (unwarranted). For example, a company might wrongly debit my account for a lot of money I need, when they aren't supposed to and they admit it, and then take weeks to get it back to me. Or they will do something actually illegal (I once later was part of a class action suit against BofA). Usually the issue is one thing but there is some problem caused by that issue as a second effect too.
In any case, it's basically being put in a position where I am utterly powerless against something or someone who is hurting me in some way. Sure, I survive, my friends are always impressed at how I manage to 'deal with' the unfortunate and unfair circumstance of that sort. But I shouldn't be having it in the first place. This has gone on since childhood. Then, it was mostly issues with parent/teacher figures. When I reached early adulthood it moved to the workplace and then out to the world of utility companies, big corporations, my ex-husband, even the IRS.
It's always something. The pattern, the energy, is the same.
So this morning (Tue 11/24) I woke up before my alarm and had time to wake up nicely and consider what kind of meditation I should do while sitting up in the dark with my blankets around my shoulders. I told IG I wanted to meditate on the archetype of that.
Just telling her gave me a gut-level fear feeling. When my friend mentioned I should do an archmed on this, even that conversation gave me the same feeling. I expected the arch to be some kind of monster.
Archetype Meditation:
Actually I couldn't see it at first. Not uncommon with things I have trouble facing or dealing with. Then I saw a piece of it, a metal outer wall with patterns, and my whole body shuddered with shivers when I saw it. I couldn't see anything else, and I imagined walking around it and then looking again. The same thing happened. I went around it and then attempted to go over it, which is when I realized it was unbelievably huge, tall. It is a structure of some kind. Imagine a cross between a skyscraper and a Borg Cube and you have a good idea of what it looks like.
At the top there was something offbeat. In one place it looked unfinished, like under construction, and I trembled violently -- I mean it was SO strong how hard shivers just rocked my whole body every time I 'saw' a new 'piece' of the archetype -- as I looked at it. As if just seeing it was some kind of merge or opening. Another part of it on top seem burned somehow, like melted to black.
I had the impression while looking at the top that this could take a Jedi framework for my working, some use-the-force-Luke, because while it might LOOK like a cross between a skyscraper and a Borg Cube, it FELT like Darth Vader's DEATH STAR, hahaha! Like this big, overwhelming, ridiculously powerful, force of 'authority'.
I might add I have never had merge-like effects just from SEEing an archetype before. In fact I only had it on merging until with my current IG when I sometimes started getting it during an archmed if I were sending much energy (like with the giant red dragon) as part of the process.
Wed afternoon (11/25). I have never less felt like doing any meditation in my life. It feels like it won't even work. Why even try, I tell myself. But I have time, and it's quiet, so I make myself walk through the whole long cave process (despite the tree on my plateau now. I felt I might get more into it with more effort) to see IG again. Of course, I fell asleep instead.
Wed night (11/25). I had put off doing the Aeon Round but since I was in denial of this archmed I did that. And blogged that. Then watched hulu.com with the kid. And managed to do away with many more hours of not-doing this meditation.
My heater in my climate control system in the house quit working. I wonder what that means as some symbolic, creating-my-reality symbol. That wondering killed a little time. It's so hilarious that I'm lucky to have the attention span of a gnat about most things until I'm in denial of something like meditation, at which point I can ponder some other trivial idea for hours.
I have a small electric space heater. It quit working too! I need to finish the meditation before any other bizarre "helplessness" symbol crops up or gets worse.
Thurs 11:30pm. I take the long way into my archetype working area and look at IG. My beautiful goddess-like guide, I say to her affectionately. I want to finish this meditation. I want to be courageous. I have the inner feeling that someday it will not be ok to open up a meditation like this and leave it open or unfinished. That the power inherent will be dangerous, moreso than the simple things I do now. I want to learn to face these things squarely and deal with them. She brought back the archetype, and the gigantic skyscraper-borgcube-thing rose impossibly high in front of me, only visible in places, mostly 'sensed'.
Bring me all that would most help me, I told her, yelling Jupiter! in my mind at the same moment although I have no idea why, it almost seemed to happen without my intent. A large man (Jupiter the archetype) appeared just behind my right shoulder. I looked at the collection of archetypes, and some Aeons, behind me, maybe guides, quite a few things/people I couldn't define well. I pulled them all into me. Then I considered. I could feel a reduction, as well as increase, in both power and focus, and considered what Ray etc. had taught me about that.
Then I pushed them all out of me and stood alone. Please link into me, I said with a sigh, imagining that we were 'connected' energetically. I think perhaps I am meant to learn to deal with things directly anyway. I think maybe hiding behind or within powerful other identities is not the right approach from now on.
I stopped. I looked again at the big collection of 'people'. One of them felt... not quite right. Not fully in favor of me. Not overtly bad, just not really one with my intent. Feeling as if some part of me I don't normally access was operating, which felt a little like the Senior, I reached out with energy and with a feeling of warrior, just obliterated the whole sense of human form and identity into nothing but energy, and then I slammed the energy with an intent at lightning and transformation to brighter and dissolution of everything that was not "Will of Mine" and then I sucked it all into my solar plexus, like some energy equivalent of eating your enemy's heart you just ripped out of his chest. I turned to IG, feeling as if I'd done something kind of sudden and ruthless and heard myself saying to her something like, "MY space. MY Will. I'll not abide anything that does not support me." She nodded her head, as if she expected this of me and was not surprised.
Well I certainly was. But the part of me that was, felt rather far away. It kinda wondered, is this a bad thing? But the dominant me answered no. Everything in there is part of ME. I am the Master of me. All energy here is OF me, and will serve me and my Will.
.... alrighty then...
I went up to the top of the arch. The burned part needs fixing, I decided. I attempted to remove it, but that didn't work. Then I attempted to just fix it, heal it, but that didn't work either. I pulled back and considered. I could feel that it just wasn't enough. Wasn't deep enough. I need to heal ME, I observed, and although the archetype is, technically, part of that, I think I need to do this directly.
I shifted perspectives and looked at my body, as a body of a person standing in the archetype world (not the me sitting on my bed), and I said, "Show me what I need to heal." I was shocked when I realized there were arrows protruding out of the back, in a straight line across the back, many next to each other. I created a medical table and put my/her body on it face down.
It was horrible. There were seven arrows stuck deeply into the body right at heart level from one side to the other. The entire area however was open like a deep gash or chasm in the earth. And it was filled with black, some vile wounding by evil not just by an arrow, as if there was some poisonous blackness on the arrowheads that had festered and spread in the gash-wound and now looked like some kind of chunky blackness, like lava rock made into a jello texture.
It had a weird perceptual effect. I was imagining all this (of course), some pieces more 'autonomously self-creative' than others, some more vivid than others, but the blackness had a completely different visual and sense feel. Imagine that you are looking at a page in a magazine and it has a picture and everything is slick and glossy and surreal and everything looks like a realistic but quality "illustration" but then right in the middle is this flat matte-finish, real-looking THING, as if it is somehow in full 3D reality while everything else is not-quite-real 2D. No gloss or reflection or 'drawing' impression. Real in a kind of brutal and ugly way.
I forced more darkness out of the body. I could feel there were pieces, even like atom-sized pieces, all over, and I focused my will and DRAGGED them out of the body, every bit that I could find, together. I put a stasis field over the big gash across the back and moved the body away and focused on the blob of blackness. I put my hands around it, asked all the onlookers for assistance, asked for the Angelics who put their hands on my back, and worked on making inert and then transmuting all that energy, removing the physical from less-so, dissolving it all into nothing but gold light, and then I had the feeling that I should let it go, and three that I felt were the others of The Four took the energy themselves, into their solar plexus chakras. I had the feeling they would be more competent at making it truly 'theirs' and not harmful. I let it go and turned back to the body and wound.
There were "seven empty cylinders of pain" across the back, as if that were their title, somehow. How odd, I thought, as if each arrow had left literally a fat, deep little 'cylinder' shape totally 'open' in the body, as if nothing was there anymore; whatever had been there had been absorbed into the blackness and was now gone, so it was empty. I imagined a fluid that would fill them and it seemed to have its own life, a thin, slightly viscuous silvery fluid that filled each cylinder area exactly to the top. Then I asked for a healing salve for all the space in the gash around and between these and something more golden showed up, like a thick gel, and I filled the body with it. I sensed the gel healing first, the body 'growing' new inner flesh etc. as needed, until it was healed to the surface and skin regrew. Then I asked the silver fluid to heal, and it did something similar, but it took longer, as it got thicker and mirrored the body and seemed to 'match the pattern' like DNA and then thickened until it 'grew' into body itself and finally came up to the surface, and as skin covered the last of it I put my hands over it and imagined energy throughout the body.
I returned into my virtual body and went back to the top of the roof. I rebuilt the burned areas at the top on one side, using author Jordan's concept of 'weave' to imagine doing so of fine strands of light, and it was finally ok.
I attempted to just remove the 'under construction' portion of building on the other side but that didn't work. I wanted to just wipe it out, destroy it, remove it, dissolve it, get rid of it. The solution to an enemy is not to feed that same energy, I heard. It is to heal the darkness that causes its pain. I thought that might be The Queen. It was difficult as I really did not FEEL like healing it beyond that one part I'd already done. I felt like obliterating it and eating its energy like I had the figure in my space. I finally closed my eyes and asked that "Divine Will" be the guide on whatever should be done there and let it be so. It was then finished building, though it was a bit different shape there than before.
I had the visual sense of a dog suddenly. I thought for a moment I was daydreaming, where did that come from?! Then I realized -- I had forgotten:
Who knows why but my dog-friend was there. I threw my arms around him and gave him energy and told him I was sorry for forgetting him--again--for a few days. Then I noticed the interesting sync of that 3-story house that was 'me' and this giant skyscraper-borgcube-thing that was the archetype. What did the partial-building-out mean? Was there some sync between me and it? Was the dog bringing this to my attention?
I stood on the roof and imagined the rain of love, the light, the gel, the wind, etc. pouring down on me and it, and at the end of that, the size of the building had reduced from 'monster' to 'ordinary' sized. I made myself big and put my hands around it and imagined sending energy into it to 'heal' it but it didn't feel like that was working.
Some things you cannot heal from the outside, I heard. I dropped to normal sized and walked through its front door, into the middle of the building which went all the way to the top, like hollow, and was surrounded by windows across the top and sides. (Reminded me briefly of a room in my arch-world that my Sun once took me to.) I imagined my root chakra connecting with the earth's core, and my crown chakra connecting with the galaxy's center, and pulling energy through me, and I began to send energy out.
It isn't enough, I heard. I 'understood' then that I would need to allow more opening and activation of all my chakras in order for this to happen, and that I had been refusing this for a very long time. I didn't even question it, feeling suddenly much like I had near the beginning when reacting to the sense of a presence not fully supportive, and I just 'did' it, made the decision to allow and moved on with it, without much thought. It was simply done. Distantly I sensed this was as ruthless as the other had been. This would have plenty of side-effects. They were not important. The power was what was important. I projected energy from me like crazy and it infused the building and that seemed to work.
I went outside it and considered. It was normal looking now. I had done everything that normally is required and then some. I looked at IG.
I felt nothing, I said flatly. Something just doesn't seem right. I don't FEEL anything. No shivers, no rushing, no warmth. No sense of merging. NOTHING in my body -- nothing at all. As if the entire experience had zero kinesthetic element. As if the entire thing were mental and less real. Tonight's work, I mean. I know it is just as valid; it was just as spontaneous as other good work, I don't doubt the soundness of it. Only that it seemed like I should be feeling something more physically and I wasn't.
Yeah I know she has told me more than once that 'feeling' is not the proper measure of what has value or has worked. But this feels like it ought to have been present. Somewhere. Like I am just not DONE with this until I FEEL something. And I know that but I don't know what else to do. I'm missing something.
I told IG I would return later. The archmed is done but there is something I need to do that I haven't yet grasped. Maybe the Four will know. I will visit them soon.
PJ
The pattern is this: some 'more powerful' identity (a parent, a big corporation) will do something "invasive and harmful" in my life, and it will be injust or unfair (unwarranted). For example, a company might wrongly debit my account for a lot of money I need, when they aren't supposed to and they admit it, and then take weeks to get it back to me. Or they will do something actually illegal (I once later was part of a class action suit against BofA). Usually the issue is one thing but there is some problem caused by that issue as a second effect too.
In any case, it's basically being put in a position where I am utterly powerless against something or someone who is hurting me in some way. Sure, I survive, my friends are always impressed at how I manage to 'deal with' the unfortunate and unfair circumstance of that sort. But I shouldn't be having it in the first place. This has gone on since childhood. Then, it was mostly issues with parent/teacher figures. When I reached early adulthood it moved to the workplace and then out to the world of utility companies, big corporations, my ex-husband, even the IRS.
It's always something. The pattern, the energy, is the same.
So this morning (Tue 11/24) I woke up before my alarm and had time to wake up nicely and consider what kind of meditation I should do while sitting up in the dark with my blankets around my shoulders. I told IG I wanted to meditate on the archetype of that.
Just telling her gave me a gut-level fear feeling. When my friend mentioned I should do an archmed on this, even that conversation gave me the same feeling. I expected the arch to be some kind of monster.
Archetype Meditation:
Actually I couldn't see it at first. Not uncommon with things I have trouble facing or dealing with. Then I saw a piece of it, a metal outer wall with patterns, and my whole body shuddered with shivers when I saw it. I couldn't see anything else, and I imagined walking around it and then looking again. The same thing happened. I went around it and then attempted to go over it, which is when I realized it was unbelievably huge, tall. It is a structure of some kind. Imagine a cross between a skyscraper and a Borg Cube and you have a good idea of what it looks like.
At the top there was something offbeat. In one place it looked unfinished, like under construction, and I trembled violently -- I mean it was SO strong how hard shivers just rocked my whole body every time I 'saw' a new 'piece' of the archetype -- as I looked at it. As if just seeing it was some kind of merge or opening. Another part of it on top seem burned somehow, like melted to black.
I had the impression while looking at the top that this could take a Jedi framework for my working, some use-the-force-Luke, because while it might LOOK like a cross between a skyscraper and a Borg Cube, it FELT like Darth Vader's DEATH STAR, hahaha! Like this big, overwhelming, ridiculously powerful, force of 'authority'.
I might add I have never had merge-like effects just from SEEing an archetype before. In fact I only had it on merging until with my current IG when I sometimes started getting it during an archmed if I were sending much energy (like with the giant red dragon) as part of the process.
Wed afternoon (11/25). I have never less felt like doing any meditation in my life. It feels like it won't even work. Why even try, I tell myself. But I have time, and it's quiet, so I make myself walk through the whole long cave process (despite the tree on my plateau now. I felt I might get more into it with more effort) to see IG again. Of course, I fell asleep instead.
Wed night (11/25). I had put off doing the Aeon Round but since I was in denial of this archmed I did that. And blogged that. Then watched hulu.com with the kid. And managed to do away with many more hours of not-doing this meditation.
My heater in my climate control system in the house quit working. I wonder what that means as some symbolic, creating-my-reality symbol. That wondering killed a little time. It's so hilarious that I'm lucky to have the attention span of a gnat about most things until I'm in denial of something like meditation, at which point I can ponder some other trivial idea for hours.
I have a small electric space heater. It quit working too! I need to finish the meditation before any other bizarre "helplessness" symbol crops up or gets worse.
Thurs 11:30pm. I take the long way into my archetype working area and look at IG. My beautiful goddess-like guide, I say to her affectionately. I want to finish this meditation. I want to be courageous. I have the inner feeling that someday it will not be ok to open up a meditation like this and leave it open or unfinished. That the power inherent will be dangerous, moreso than the simple things I do now. I want to learn to face these things squarely and deal with them. She brought back the archetype, and the gigantic skyscraper-borgcube-thing rose impossibly high in front of me, only visible in places, mostly 'sensed'.
Bring me all that would most help me, I told her, yelling Jupiter! in my mind at the same moment although I have no idea why, it almost seemed to happen without my intent. A large man (Jupiter the archetype) appeared just behind my right shoulder. I looked at the collection of archetypes, and some Aeons, behind me, maybe guides, quite a few things/people I couldn't define well. I pulled them all into me. Then I considered. I could feel a reduction, as well as increase, in both power and focus, and considered what Ray etc. had taught me about that.
Then I pushed them all out of me and stood alone. Please link into me, I said with a sigh, imagining that we were 'connected' energetically. I think perhaps I am meant to learn to deal with things directly anyway. I think maybe hiding behind or within powerful other identities is not the right approach from now on.
I stopped. I looked again at the big collection of 'people'. One of them felt... not quite right. Not fully in favor of me. Not overtly bad, just not really one with my intent. Feeling as if some part of me I don't normally access was operating, which felt a little like the Senior, I reached out with energy and with a feeling of warrior, just obliterated the whole sense of human form and identity into nothing but energy, and then I slammed the energy with an intent at lightning and transformation to brighter and dissolution of everything that was not "Will of Mine" and then I sucked it all into my solar plexus, like some energy equivalent of eating your enemy's heart you just ripped out of his chest. I turned to IG, feeling as if I'd done something kind of sudden and ruthless and heard myself saying to her something like, "MY space. MY Will. I'll not abide anything that does not support me." She nodded her head, as if she expected this of me and was not surprised.
Well I certainly was. But the part of me that was, felt rather far away. It kinda wondered, is this a bad thing? But the dominant me answered no. Everything in there is part of ME. I am the Master of me. All energy here is OF me, and will serve me and my Will.
.... alrighty then...
I went up to the top of the arch. The burned part needs fixing, I decided. I attempted to remove it, but that didn't work. Then I attempted to just fix it, heal it, but that didn't work either. I pulled back and considered. I could feel that it just wasn't enough. Wasn't deep enough. I need to heal ME, I observed, and although the archetype is, technically, part of that, I think I need to do this directly.
I shifted perspectives and looked at my body, as a body of a person standing in the archetype world (not the me sitting on my bed), and I said, "Show me what I need to heal." I was shocked when I realized there were arrows protruding out of the back, in a straight line across the back, many next to each other. I created a medical table and put my/her body on it face down.
It was horrible. There were seven arrows stuck deeply into the body right at heart level from one side to the other. The entire area however was open like a deep gash or chasm in the earth. And it was filled with black, some vile wounding by evil not just by an arrow, as if there was some poisonous blackness on the arrowheads that had festered and spread in the gash-wound and now looked like some kind of chunky blackness, like lava rock made into a jello texture.
(Note: just earlier today, I dreamed of this deep energy-blackness that these men, of whom I was watching yet also one of, were using, as a powerful magick, that was effective against a powerful enemy, yet did nearly as much damage to them while using it as it did to the other side. It was both murder and suicide, eventually, but they bore it with terrible stoicism, assumedly for some greater good at their own expense. In the dream I felt profound, deep compassion for them and wanted to heal them, to relieve their suffering. I didn't until just now connect the blackness or warfare symbols to the earlier dream I'd half forgotten by now. Also: there was one symbol, of thin metal 'casing' tube in the body ('through the right shoulder front to back' in this case) which is just like the symbol in the archmed of 8/31/09).I pulled out the arrows, all seven (the number seemed significant somehow) one by one and dropped them on the other side of the body. My mate of the Four was there, the Third, and he took them and did something with them to make them inert and harmless. (That is unusual. The Four are not usually present in archetype work.) When all seven were pulled out, I put my hands over the back and 'pulled up' with great intent, sort of 'sucking' the blackness out, and it raised into the air and began accumulating.
It had a weird perceptual effect. I was imagining all this (of course), some pieces more 'autonomously self-creative' than others, some more vivid than others, but the blackness had a completely different visual and sense feel. Imagine that you are looking at a page in a magazine and it has a picture and everything is slick and glossy and surreal and everything looks like a realistic but quality "illustration" but then right in the middle is this flat matte-finish, real-looking THING, as if it is somehow in full 3D reality while everything else is not-quite-real 2D. No gloss or reflection or 'drawing' impression. Real in a kind of brutal and ugly way.
I forced more darkness out of the body. I could feel there were pieces, even like atom-sized pieces, all over, and I focused my will and DRAGGED them out of the body, every bit that I could find, together. I put a stasis field over the big gash across the back and moved the body away and focused on the blob of blackness. I put my hands around it, asked all the onlookers for assistance, asked for the Angelics who put their hands on my back, and worked on making inert and then transmuting all that energy, removing the physical from less-so, dissolving it all into nothing but gold light, and then I had the feeling that I should let it go, and three that I felt were the others of The Four took the energy themselves, into their solar plexus chakras. I had the feeling they would be more competent at making it truly 'theirs' and not harmful. I let it go and turned back to the body and wound.
There were "seven empty cylinders of pain" across the back, as if that were their title, somehow. How odd, I thought, as if each arrow had left literally a fat, deep little 'cylinder' shape totally 'open' in the body, as if nothing was there anymore; whatever had been there had been absorbed into the blackness and was now gone, so it was empty. I imagined a fluid that would fill them and it seemed to have its own life, a thin, slightly viscuous silvery fluid that filled each cylinder area exactly to the top. Then I asked for a healing salve for all the space in the gash around and between these and something more golden showed up, like a thick gel, and I filled the body with it. I sensed the gel healing first, the body 'growing' new inner flesh etc. as needed, until it was healed to the surface and skin regrew. Then I asked the silver fluid to heal, and it did something similar, but it took longer, as it got thicker and mirrored the body and seemed to 'match the pattern' like DNA and then thickened until it 'grew' into body itself and finally came up to the surface, and as skin covered the last of it I put my hands over it and imagined energy throughout the body.
I returned into my virtual body and went back to the top of the roof. I rebuilt the burned areas at the top on one side, using author Jordan's concept of 'weave' to imagine doing so of fine strands of light, and it was finally ok.
I attempted to just remove the 'under construction' portion of building on the other side but that didn't work. I wanted to just wipe it out, destroy it, remove it, dissolve it, get rid of it. The solution to an enemy is not to feed that same energy, I heard. It is to heal the darkness that causes its pain. I thought that might be The Queen. It was difficult as I really did not FEEL like healing it beyond that one part I'd already done. I felt like obliterating it and eating its energy like I had the figure in my space. I finally closed my eyes and asked that "Divine Will" be the guide on whatever should be done there and let it be so. It was then finished building, though it was a bit different shape there than before.
I had the visual sense of a dog suddenly. I thought for a moment I was daydreaming, where did that come from?! Then I realized -- I had forgotten:
Long ago, maybe before blogging, I had a profoundly powerful spontaneous meditation (aka "vision") where I was in the upper story of a building being built-out. The building was 3 stories high and it was 'me'. The upper story was spiritual stuff. But it was so dusty, abandoned, with wood and workman's tools all over. And when I got to the top of the stairs where I knew I normally entered, a large dog was lying there, not just dead but 'dessicated' somehow. I knew that he was my best friend there, and I loved him hugely, and that he had died starving, waiting for me to return, and I had completely abandoned him. I fell to my knees bawling on him and cried and cried. I came out of the vision, considered it, and then bawled awhile more. More than once in the years since I have returned to the abandoned upper shell of that house and the stillness and the body of the dog, mourning him. Well just recently I found myself there again and I refused to accept it, and I poured energy into it and told it to wake up and continue, and then I went to find my dog and I sat there and just poured energy from hands and every chakra into his body until it started to flesh out, and then turned a normal color, and then finally started to come alive again, until all the sudden he was there, knocking me backward and licking my face and so happy to see me and I nearly bawled all over again. That was just... a few days ago I think.
Who knows why but my dog-friend was there. I threw my arms around him and gave him energy and told him I was sorry for forgetting him--again--for a few days. Then I noticed the interesting sync of that 3-story house that was 'me' and this giant skyscraper-borgcube-thing that was the archetype. What did the partial-building-out mean? Was there some sync between me and it? Was the dog bringing this to my attention?
I stood on the roof and imagined the rain of love, the light, the gel, the wind, etc. pouring down on me and it, and at the end of that, the size of the building had reduced from 'monster' to 'ordinary' sized. I made myself big and put my hands around it and imagined sending energy into it to 'heal' it but it didn't feel like that was working.
Some things you cannot heal from the outside, I heard. I dropped to normal sized and walked through its front door, into the middle of the building which went all the way to the top, like hollow, and was surrounded by windows across the top and sides. (Reminded me briefly of a room in my arch-world that my Sun once took me to.) I imagined my root chakra connecting with the earth's core, and my crown chakra connecting with the galaxy's center, and pulling energy through me, and I began to send energy out.
It isn't enough, I heard. I 'understood' then that I would need to allow more opening and activation of all my chakras in order for this to happen, and that I had been refusing this for a very long time. I didn't even question it, feeling suddenly much like I had near the beginning when reacting to the sense of a presence not fully supportive, and I just 'did' it, made the decision to allow and moved on with it, without much thought. It was simply done. Distantly I sensed this was as ruthless as the other had been. This would have plenty of side-effects. They were not important. The power was what was important. I projected energy from me like crazy and it infused the building and that seemed to work.
I went outside it and considered. It was normal looking now. I had done everything that normally is required and then some. I looked at IG.
I felt nothing, I said flatly. Something just doesn't seem right. I don't FEEL anything. No shivers, no rushing, no warmth. No sense of merging. NOTHING in my body -- nothing at all. As if the entire experience had zero kinesthetic element. As if the entire thing were mental and less real. Tonight's work, I mean. I know it is just as valid; it was just as spontaneous as other good work, I don't doubt the soundness of it. Only that it seemed like I should be feeling something more physically and I wasn't.
Yeah I know she has told me more than once that 'feeling' is not the proper measure of what has value or has worked. But this feels like it ought to have been present. Somewhere. Like I am just not DONE with this until I FEEL something. And I know that but I don't know what else to do. I'm missing something.
I told IG I would return later. The archmed is done but there is something I need to do that I haven't yet grasped. Maybe the Four will know. I will visit them soon.
PJ
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