Knight of Wands, Part 4 (2/4)

I swear, this may go down as the most difficult and epic archetype meditation of my life.

Tonight I worked on the second of the four figures from the 'Knight of Wands' archetype, the one I've been mostly in denial about since late September. The post previous to this talked about how I ended up in the meditation.

Apparently my guides and inner self are 'Bringing the Mountain to Mohammed'.

I didn't do the ordinary process of getting to Inner Guide (IG) as I was accepting an 'interactive vision' happening spontaneously. I was falling down this fairly wide, rounded hole in the ground that reminded me a little like, 'maybe this is the cliff from my archetype world'. I have gone down inside that area for body things before which have been pretty amazing.

At the bottom I slowed and just sat down. I could no longer see any opening at the top. It was pitch black and "dank". I remembered that particular sense from a spontaneous meditation I had in January of 2006, part of a series of amazing meditations. I had showed up in what appeared to be a sinus cavity and gone to see what turned out to be my eye. I know, that's just so bizarre it's hilarious, but the visuals in those visions were like 3D dolby-sound lucas-level immensely detailed wonders... amazing stuff.

Anyway, I heard this sound at the same time the "dank" sense of dark-wet-sorta-still got through, at the same time I was remembering where I'd felt that before, and I knew before I turned my head I would see some kind of amphibian-like creature. It was a frog with a longish body and big splayed colorful fingers and huge eyes, about half my size. Last time it was a frog twice my size that led me to where I needed to go, but this time, it was a bit different, and it just sat there and looked at me, as I became aware that there were quite a few like him of varying sizes, and other things I couldn't recognize, and then a whole variety of stuff all over everywhere, that seemed like kind of like a cross between lichen and fireflies, like something that grew thinly over surfaces but was sort of lit up. I wondered what it was and I got the sense of bacteria (not necessarily bad) and things like that.

I "became aware" that I was to do the next step of the archetype meditation on the knight of wands. Not having finished this has left me open to the effects of that energy activated and not dealt with and it's been kicking my ass bigtime for two months. I figured well why not, and agreed, and before I could even ask for the next step, a woman appeared. I called for IG, the Angelics, Nero, Taan, Bolehran, and went up to her.

She looked sort of ok on the outside. There was something wrong but I couldn't see what. She had longish straight dark hair, and after considering her for a bit, I felt that there was a sense of a grevious wound like from a sword, that wrapped up around her torso and across her neck. Like it was deep and bloody. And yet I couldn't see anything at all there... so that was just inexplicable.

I started talking to her, and I felt so very affectionate about her for some reason. I felt like she was a woman and yet, like a a vulnerable child who was holding something inside, like a secret, as if held for someone else, paying a price for something every day. I laid her on a table and brought in an imagined technology that would make her completely translucent to me so I could 'see inside her'.

I didn't know what to make of it. She was absolutely stuffed FULL of... stuff. The kind of stuff that looks like a metal junkyard, a local trash heap, someone's storage bin, everything you can imagine, random pieces of metal and weird and yucky stuff, actual objects, things in pieces, things rolled up like for packing, everything stuffed together tightly, and some impossible quantity of it stuffed into her body.

(Some analogy to my being fat was a little hard to ignore there.)

I imagined another table next to us on which everything I went through would appear, atom by atom, as it vanished from within her. I looked into her skull first. There was a specific shape in her head, like a partly open clamshell that had spikes like a carniverous plant but was made of metal. I imagined touching that energy thought-form and vibrating it super subtly and fast so it 'released' all its connections to anything in her head and then I used my palms to 'suck' like energetically at it until it came out into my hand. I asked for help in pouring good energy into the space it left and helping to rebuild or regrow there. Then I put the object on the other table in a stasis field and went back to her and worked on the 'space' now inside her. I imagined that this was such a great opportunity because she could grow tons of new energy here, exciting stuff, good stuff she'd never even imagined, it was like a little space of totally new opportunity.

When that seemed well dealt with, I went back to the other table, to the object, and I imagined separating at the most fundamental level, the energy of the form from the energy 'imbuing' it. I imagined cleaning all that energy totally so it was fresh and new. Then I imagined a place underground at least 500 feet wherever the earth felt most comfortable accepting this energy, and I imagined the gradual transfer of 'all energy that needs that renewal, that would not be truly good for me if reabsorbed' into that space. Then what was left, I brought into the energy field just outside my body. So my body could take it or leave it as needed, as it chose.

I found another shape in her skull, this one lower, another piece of metal, with a funky shape as if it were being used to separate and block several areas from one another. I did the same process with that.

Then I started at her crown and I went through her head like a beam of gold light lowering through her and everything it touched that was not something that should be there for her health, was transferred over to the other table, just as it was inside her (so in the same shape and so on). It was sort of amazing that when I finished the head, there was a solid conglomerate of 'stuff' over on the other table, that had all been inside her. I looked back into her head and it seemed like there was so much more space inside, like so much clutter had been removed that gosh, it was perfect and wonderful but her head might not know what to do with it for awhile.

I did this with the spinal cord, from into the brain down into top of the chest. When it was clear, I went to the other table and put my hands out (I do this physically too) and imagined a catalyst, a conversion of all the energy of whatever was there, all those objects/shapes/densities just as they were, into pure white light. I could feel rushy-buzzy throughout my body though especially my neck. Then I did the same stuff with that, and went back to her body.

I did the shoulders, to arms and hands, and torso down to just above pelvic girdle next. That one actually took awhile. Then I did the pelvis/hips all the way to above the knees. Then I did the knees to the toes. The torso, when I did the energy-cleaning on what had been inside it, gave my whole body a series of rushes with every breath of cleansing that went on awhile.

I noticed that in every area where bones met was something sort of interesting; a sort of "energetic complication". Where the hips met was a big deal, the joining place was different than the area on either side. The knees, very much the same thing. Then when I got to the ankles and the feet in detail, I openly wondered about this, and understood that this really IS how it is. "Junctures" within our body represent junctures within our energy patterns. On one hand, long static energy that can occur in other places is rare in junctures because the motion keeps things moving. On the other hand, they are potentially chaos. I perceived them as kind of like a complex freeway intersection of energy in a way, but infinitely more complex. On one hand it's a lot of energy moving and exchanging. On the other, this can result in everything from slowdowns to actual crashes and jams of complication. I had never before considered doing cleansing specifically on various joints before but it sounded like a good idea then. My feet appeared to be THE most complex thing in my body except my spinal cord, by this perception.

Then I went back and worked with every major chakra plus knees and feet and hands, and reached the same cleaning-energy into them many layers deep, pulled out a couple nasty shapes that were embedded much more deeply in a couple. I called in 'jesus' (the spirit not the archetype-of) during the heart chakra and added some prayer to this.

Then something interesting happened, the 'idea' sprang up 'as' it was happening. I was on a chakra and this image of something like a box opened, looked to be a 'panel with turning knob' with a snap-shut solid lid. And the turning-knob was like 1-10 from bottom left to bottom right, 5 at top. And it showed me that it was set to like 3.5 and I understood this was the degree of openness of that particularly chakra. And so I grabbed the knob and turned it up but I could "feel" clearly that if I went too high there was going to be some problems. Like too much of some energies would over-influence me, distract or disturb me, etc.

So I opened myself to IG and tried to "share my intent with her" for what I would *like* as far as psychic awareness goes, but with the caveat that I wanted a sense of guidance for what would be enough but not too much. I felt that a certain place on the dial was the crux point. At that point would be as much as I wanted, optimistically; but one click back would be safer. After considering that I could always do this visualization again and reset them, I usually (on most the chakras) chose one-click-back from the point possible. (I chose less for my third eye, for example, than for my throat; one-click back for my throat though, to prevent too much audio noise; but then on my solar plexus I actually went pretty high on the knob, feeling that was an important one to have power in; I don't remember all the detail.)

Some were at like 5 and some were at like 7.5... none went above that. On one (I can't recall which), the knob split into a spirit-vision of two knobs, and I could see that one was at like 2 and one was at like 8 and it was really a problem, there was some kind of "imbalance" there. I imagined moving them each so they were around 5 and then merging them together, and then 'feeling' with IG to move the one to wherever it should be. I would imagine putting the knob there, putting my palm over it to 'seal the intent' with energy, closing the little 'case-lid' that protected it.

When all this was done, I imagined her and my merging fully physically, and my accepting her. I didn't get any sense of rush from this at all, and yet I actually felt as if it worked pretty well. I don't know that I've ever had a good sense of integration while having no rush. Maybe because the rushes happened earlier during the process.

So IG vanished her and there I was in the dark dank cave-like room. I wondered if maybe the room and all its interesting inhabitants could use an energy cleaning. So I imagined sending out a 'wave' of cleansing white energy that gradually went around the walls and through everything. I sensed that some of the lichen-firefly-things were not 'good' (bad bacteria?) so I used the energy to basically over-energize them... they expired, leaving only raw energy, not their former identity. And as I cleaned this area and all its creatures, it started changing around me. Things were growing all over like plants and trees and fresh air was coming in and by the time I was finished, I was sitting in a little glade in something kind of like the median point between forest and jungle. That was kind of interesting.

I rolled it up inside me and decided to get up and do something useful (like make dinner, clean the refrigerator, etc.).

While cooking and cleaning, my body has felt so very interesting. As if it is relaxed in a way I've never felt. As if tension and some degree of... fullness or stiffness has left it. It's very difficult to put into words, but I really feel as if that meditation had a very physical effect on my body, and some degree of relaxed mental effect too.

As I was cooking I was thinking that this archetype is sort of the polar opposite of the first one.

Recall the first one was a man, and he was 'burned out'--very literally. This one was a woman, and she was stuffed-full of intensely packed, long-stored then 'abandoned' energies. It made me wonder if the four elements in this meditation have some analogy or parallel to The Four of me that I so often work with.

Well, two more to go. I hope I will do these much sooner; I feel as if I am more relaxed and inclined to do so. But I also feel that I should not do this right now. That I need some time, maybe a week or two (it's been a couple weeks since I did the first one) to let this integrate on some level, and then I can do the next.

Deep Sleep and Precursors to Meditation

The last two days have been very odd for me. My dreams have had a depth that is pretty rare and I haven't seen regularly in many years. And this morning when I woke up, I felt that my 'awareness' was 'still at depth'. I felt tranced but not in the normal dull-fuzzy way, rather just in the most-my-brain-is-deeper way. I was so intensely sleepy, the sort of feeling I used to get when my body/soul/whatever was insisting I sleep immediately to work something out, that a couple hours after I woke up this morning, I went back to sleep!

My kid woke me up later, astounded I was sleeping so late. (That's really something, coming from her, haha.) So I got up and made her food and did a few things online and then knew that I had to go back to sleep yet again. No matter how illogical it seemed, my body was insisting. So I went back to sleep for several hours.

I dreamed so deeply. What seemed like hundreds of dreams. Some were surface dreams but they involved events and people that haven't been in my life in 20-25 years. Most were deep dreams and one of the oddest factors was the awareness factor of a third element that was neither me nor dream. Dreams would be stopped at some point and someone would ask me, are you aware you're dreaming? or they would point out to me some element of the dream situation I was missing, or they would say, so what would be your decision in a situation like this? It was so odd, as it felt almost like a spiritual interview of some kind as well as education as part of it. Yet when I woke up, the whole content of the examples vanished from me and I 'understood' that was the way it had to be.

So I was up for a few hours mostly doing online stuff, when my internal-visuals started kicking up. What I mean by that is, I tend to daydream, even while in the process of thinking about something else, writing code for a website, typing email, whatever. The word 'daydream' is not accurate as that implies majority conscious control. It's more like I sometimes interfere a little in 'interest' but usually it's some other part of my mind doing whatever it does... I'm not consciously driving them. This is just a multi-track kind of thing, no big deal.

But suddenly whatever daydream the rest of me was having, the visuals and whole environmental awareness of it was getting so powerful that it started distracting me from what I was doing. When I turned my attention to it, it completely dropped in, like the sort of half-"Visions" I used to have a long time ago -- they are somewhere between a full vision and an archetype meditation. (Who knew there were so many 'degrees' of conscious involvement in one's own inner experience?)

I realized that my body and mind were basically saying, Hey! Pay attention! so I moved aside my laptop and turned off the light and closed my eyes and let myself be absorbed into the environment already fleshing out inside my head. And that's how the next stage of the archetype meditation began -- apparently it was my 'self' bringing it on, I realized, so I accepted that and moved into it.

PJ

Knight of Wands, part 3 (1/4)

Yes, I know. Sep 20 is the last day I meditated, a Knight of Wands meditation that was so difficult I couldn't get more than a little bit into it. I was going to be right back with that. October came and went. Difficult archetype meditations are such a pain to "get around to!"

I've spent the month+ since I left off, paying the price. Feeling emotionally fragmented and slightly traumatized, distracted and disorganized, in avoidance and denial. I blew my eating plan all to hell and more, in a small rampage of self-destruct mode.

My boyfriend came to visit at the end of October. It was great to have him here, but my one week a year with him vs. the other 51 weeks a year tends to put me through the whole 7-stages-of-grief thing when he leaves, which sucks. (Right now I'm in the slightly pissed off, fine-I-don't-need-you-then stage.) During one day he was here, I stayed in the car on a chilly, windy day, for about an hour in the driveway, when I just suddenly felt like meditating, out of the blue.

I went back and picked up where I left off in my Knight of Wands meditation. As a refresher, I had first come onto an endless lawn (almost battleground type 'field') filled with people on medical beds who were horrible, greviously injured, with a man up front speaking for them. I asked to shift the energy to a smaller quantity I could deal with, and then got four 'people' each with some... problem. The first, which I didn't start on before I passed out that time, seemed sort of normal in front except a monkey-like face, but the back was completely burned out, hollowed out, the whole back of the body. That's where I left off.

So I picked it up there, this is last week. The meditation was very difficult although not complex. I got him onto a gurney and flipped him over and filled all the hollowed-out of him with "the water of life". I asked for the Angelics and they came and each put a hand on my back on a shoulder blade. Then I 'got the attention' of the front of him that was still fleshed out and asked it to become flexible and to start replicating cells, to rebuild him from the front, gradually adding flesh on the inside where the little lakes were. I would be doing that and my mind would flip to some other weird seemingly unrelated scenario I had to get through, and then I'd find myself as if returned suddenly to the meditation, and I would refocus and continue the visualization. This happened over and over, so what was merely a simple visualization took just over an hour.

But in the end, that one was healed. I merged but got no rush at all from it, but felt that this was really only a fraction of the total archetype and it was not ready for more yet. That left three more. I ended the meditation.

My goal is to get to the next one 'soon' -- there are 4, I've done 1, so, 3 to go. I wrote this down so I wouldn't forget (I already forgot most the detail). It has basically been about 50 days and it's time to get THROUGH that! Gosh this one is turning out to be complex.

The odd thing is, I never had a meditation where another archetype was spelled out for me, let alone where I was specifically referenced to a tarot card archetype. I still find that so fascinating. And it would have been even if it had just been an ordinary meditation. But it seems to me the depth and challenge of this particular archetype, only goes to prove how important it must be for me to deal with.

And I still haven't gotten back to my original archetype related to obesity because I have to get through this one first. Talk about a challenge!
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