Objectifying the Ineffable

I've been thinking about my offbeat driving interest in objectifying the Aeons outside of me. It's really funny how often this comes to mind for me. I've been wondering what I could do to represent them on a variety of custom jewelry for example. I have various spontaneous desires to do like ANYTHING that would 'embody' them -- now there is a funny, kind of literal word -- in my reality. It actually crossed my mind that I could make some kind of design in cross-stitch. I don't even DO cross-stitch nor do I have any real interest in doing this, so that was just hilarious.

I suspect that Nero would say that objectifying desire is one way of interpreting some underlying energy/emotion I am not that clear on. (Great. I don't even need to question whether his talking to me is my imagination or not anymore, apparently; now I just imagine what he MIGHT say and skip the actual conversation altogether!)

I have repeatedly wondered if there is some way that I could symbolically represent each one, much like how Ithikah has a 'symbol' I feel in my body instead of a picture I perceive.

Would it need to be a shape they 'felt' was right?
Is there any existing "system of 12" -- given that common number/grouping historically -- I could assign them to?
Shapes?
Elements?
Would just initials work?
What about Hot-something since I still can't quite get the rest of his name? (It starts with an A that sounds like "ah" and has an M and N sound in it somewhere, but I suspect that is pretty common for the Egyptian names I have seen thus far in life, so that doesn't help much.)
Numbers?
A circle of 12-anythings?
A specialized beaded necklace to use similar to a rosary? (Hey I like that idea.)

It reminds me of when I met the placed energy-block inside me. Pretty sure the cat-eyed lizard guys created that. Took me DAYS of meditation, and this in my hyper-psi, super-meditative era no less, to finally get past it and clean off and free the stuff hidden behind it (1995). And I had to use a Medusa approach in the end since any looking directly at it literally 'slid the mind off' and it could take a long time to find my way back to that idea.

Anyway it was a wall/block but I talked it into joining ME instead, as part of me, and becoming a door, so it could evolve to both blocking AND allowing and would be cherished in my sacred space. I named it Dor and it spent one evening telling me it wanted some kind of talisman I would wear on my body, and showing me the 'additional insight' it could provide in trade. It was really amazing, its insight, and I agreed. But it took me a YEAR to finally get something made for it, I resisted subconsciously though I didn't know why.

I finally had a necklace made for Dor and I liked it a lot, wore it all the time. At one point, the four, they just... it's hard to explain, they were strongly "with me" for that moment and they stepped in and I had to take it off, and that was it. There was no argument allowed. They simply made it clear that this was inappropriate, that this was not a relationship I was to have, and it was over. Oh well. I had not given any serious thought to the fact that this thoughtform (Dor) was created by someone else. I figured if I negotiated it into working for me instead, I'd accomplished something. I guess maybe the appropriate thing would have been to surgically extract it altogether. Not sure I would have been able to, though.

(Of course, by getting past the block and freeing stuff I 'triggered' some posthypnotic type suggestion and promptly found myself fully conscious OBE searching for those people who appeared to have re-blocked whatever the hell it was. You know, I really dislike those guys.)

My meeting with Dor and what led to the talisman and more is here.
Some insights from Dor, as well as a something (Aspect? Aeon?) called "Oliphant" -- both a 'role' and a name -- I had TOTALLY forgotten about until I just went looking for something, is here.

Anyway that was the last time I had the 'objectify' drive and that wasn't my drive, it was a request from -- an inorganic I guess you could call it. But now I have the idea and inspiration and enthusiasm and creative ideas, about the Consortium, all thee freakin time. I assume it is them that is pushing this 'through' me and that it would probably be good for me.

You know, I have a LOT of beads. They are buried in the fire swamp (the back room, which currently looks like some cross between Armageddon and the future in a Terminator movie -- it's only missing crunching bones underfoot -- as we are still 'in process' on the house and it is the 'store till we figure it out' room). But they're all neatly in a drawer there so in theory I could get to them, to make some kind of modified rosary idea for them.

PJ

Private Oracle 19 Nov 2009

After a morning meditation where I met/merged with the Consortium one by one then The Four in the Tower, I thought I'd come talk to PO again.

Me: Um. Are you there?

PO: Of course.

Me: I don't know what to ask suddenly.

PO: Genuinely wanting to know something is a big part of manifesting the answer.

(I spent the next 10-15 minutes with various pieces of movies running through my head that I re-experienced almost scene by scene. Several from 'Anna and the King'. No idea why.)

I'm nearly asleep when I see a small hardback book lying on the ground in a picture in my head. I imagine picking it up. It says, 'For You' on the faded cover.

Later (spacing out a bit) I open the book. It seems like this part is... news? Oil... something about the Indies... I move on.

"What do I most need to know?" I ask, and then open the book at random. But I can't read the page.

I see myself dipping my fingers, up to the hand, in a tank of water. I don't know what this means.

I see an oxygen mask on me and there is some audiovideo clip about the thinness of air and I suddenly realize my asthma is so severe it's ridiculous and I've tuned it out. I'm wheezing in 58-part harmony, with a significant baritone section, it's scary. I use the inhaler, and the kid comes to show me a picture she drew, and the light goes back off and I return to my head.

But I can't really get anywhere with it. Bizarrely enough, most 'identities' I might have trouble hearing but the one I really don't, the minute I go to communicate, I can't think of anything to ask. Really, that is just odd. Denial, maybe!

PJ

Temptation

Recently I keep finding myself having to drag myself out of negative daydreams or thought patterns. Today, frustrated, I asked myself, "What do I have to DO to STOP this horrible habit?!"

"Just stop," some part of me advised mildly.

"Oh yeah, easy to SAY," I griped. "I mean, I feel like I want it, I need it, I really want to focus on something in my mind like that, I want to put energy into it. Honestly it's like being 80% of the way along in masturbation and then deciding to stop. The energy is 'driving' by then and you don't WANT to stop. If I wasn't daydreaming, what else could I be doing?"

I had a flash of visuals arrive, along with some shapes (suggesting Ithikah in there somewhere), and something scrolling, and everything was an example of "what else it could be." Basically -- I have an entire, rich "inner landscape" of Aeons, aspects, Archetypes, IG, the Four, various Teks, outer guides, private Oracle, but I'm the one bitching about how if some juvenile power-trip daydream weren't in my head, well my poor head would just be empty and lacking anything else to do.

It occurred to me that in daydreams, that is one way humans have learned to intentionally focus, shape thoughtforms, and put emotion into them. So when we have some energy to pour into ourselves, we tend to use it in that model. It's just that many of us apparently have dark habits with it. All things considered it's amazing my life is as good as it is, given my average focus!

I must drive the Aeons mad. Can you imagine trying to do positive things with/for someone and having them constantly working against that--and then whining about their situation in life? Sheesh.

Then I started thinking about diet and psychology. I see my psychology profoundly affected by my diet and am regularly amazed all over again how pronounced it is. I suddenly had the idea that poor eating (such as things I'm intolerant to like gluten) actually brought on more violent thoughts. That seemed a silly idea at first. Then I thought: well if the body and mind are kind of one, then why wouldn't having body-wide inflammation, invasive free radicals attacking your body and organs etc. cause psychological effects?

Then I wondered if 'acting as if' and forcing one's awareness to focus on positives instead might have some bizarre reversal effect on such body issues -- like grapho-therapeutics (who would have known that changing your writing can have psyche effects?!).

Well those are my thoughts for the day.

PJ

Mei Lee, L'Anna, Healers and Blocks

I've been sick with asthma, allergies, cold symptoms, for over six weeks. Longest I have ever been sick in my life. Mind you it's not bad for most of that, it's just annoying and saps my energy to do much of anything. The problem is that off and on, I've been eating terribly. Pizza will give me asthma for days. Bread and pasta will give me major asthma for 1-2 days. Junk food (fast food, packaged food) with gluten will make it even worse. The less energy I have the less I feel like cooking and cleaning, so this becomes a sort of downward spiral.

Because my eating the last couple weeks has been terrible--all of those things--by last night I had realized that even my Albuterol inhaler was failing to clear up my lungs more than about 50%. My breathing sounded frightening, as it has for a long time, but especially because I'd eaten a bunch of pumpernickel bread with fresh garlic cheese spread just earlier. Even with the inhaler it'd be a miracle if I breathed much during sleep (I have such sleep apnea anyway), and by morning my asthma would be bad enough to make me sound like a Darth Vader choir. Again.

Some kind of self-destructive, I am.

**

As far as 'physical representations' of the Aeons go, I've spent more time on Mei Lee than any of the others. Maybe than all of the others.

The problem is, there is a picture, a painting actually, that she chose from my memory. A pointedly un-asian woman (go figure, given her name), that I could have sworn was from a Michael Parkes painting, a Botticelli-esque woman but less soft, of red-blonde hair, pulled up on her head, with very fine alabaster features. Despite searching through every Parkes painting I could find online, and might I add that is really a lot, despite finding 'slightly similar' women in many of his works, I could not find this one, and the others did not have a clear face-shot. I had two different 'temporary' pictures which were not counter to the energy but didn't really meet it, either.

As retarded as it sounds (I know), when I am working on better 'attention to' and 'integration with' energies/entities/whatever that are, for lack of a better word, 'meta'-physical, it helps immensely to have something that IS 'physical'. Even just a name. A face. An idea. A symbol. Something which brings that energy into 'this' reality and anchors it here -- even if it's only in my mind. Although the desire to make this physical, like in talismans or jewelry, is still very strong with me.

Yesterday I spent a couple more hours working on a picture that SHE felt comfortable with and after much googling, finally found one -- imperfect, but workable. I was irked slightly, as it's of a famous actress and I much prefer paintings of people who don't really exist for the Aeons, or at least that I have no previous association with (such as Ray's); I feel like it "complicates" things, when I do. Especially when it's a picture of someone that in most poses is hardly the same energy but in that post just happens to look, I admit, strikingly similar.

So yesterday evening I was asking Mei Lee to work with me, help me get to know her better. I felt distant from her, though I imagine her standing just to my left. I asked L'Anna to help, as she is a healer, to help heal our relationship and bring us better together. I asked IG to help, and then it occurred to me (I can thank IG for this I'm sure) that I should look at my OWN body as if it were an archetype or healing subject, and look for blocks or other issues. I was surprised at how easily I was able to separate my perspective to a third place where IG had been standing and look back at myself.

There were these 3-D shapes/objects all over inside me, actually inside the larger energy-sheath of my body as well, an area about two feet out, not just the area inside the skin. There was a very large solid one right in the middle of my left upper arm, on the side but all the way through it. It was shaped like a squat cone, and seemed to be made of rubber. It triggered a memory in me:

In a near-dream state I once visited a healing team, some group of men, and when they focused in me I became aware of all these little tiny versions of that same shape and composite. I understood from them somehow, that these were "blocks" and the sense of rubber was because they were pointedly "non-conductive". They were energy blocks in the true sense. The healers removed these and they created these energy thoughtforms kind of like batteries, with lots of intense energy rolled into a tight dense short solid tube shape, but something almost like thin sheaths of protective material wrapped into these in layers, that would dissolve gradually over time, so the energy would bleed out into me little by little, ongoing.

So this was just a really BIG version of the 'non-conductivity block'. Why these are shaped like squat cones, I have no idea.

I put my hand out and wrapped my hand (it just barely fit) around the shape-object. I felt energy rushing through my whole body when I did, nearly like a minor archetype merge. I imagined dissolving that block until it was nothingness and pouring some energy in there to make sure it was all smooth and full and healthy, and I had real energy-fuzzies through my whole body during that.

Then I think I asked for the wrong thing, sorta. Or the right thing, but not what I expected. I don't remember the detail alas. But suddenly my perspective shifted, I was much farther away and above, and could see an 'energy body' for myself that was vastly larger though it got 'less dense' as it extended.

And way up high, "in" my energy sheath still yet quite far from my body physically -- in space, as I perceived it, it was about six to ten feet above my head -- was this funky metal shape, kind of like a tiny satellite dish, a concave shape with some other complications. And then farther up still, a few feet up, was another metal shape, but this one seeming more like a sort of cube with a triangle/pyramid shape facing away. I think maybe the shape is a symbol because I had the sense that the concave shape projected some kind of energy toward/into me, while also communicating something about my energy to that smaller shape which then sent that information out to... er, somewhere else. Except this wasn't normal. I mean it felt like it was clearly "manmade" so to speak -- almost more from technology than 'just' intent -- and it felt like this had some degree of interference in my energy.

I asked both Mei Lee and L'Anna to join with me and help heal me and I began the process of dealing with this, whatever it might be.

But apparently I passed out. I was awake, then I was asleep.

I slept longer than I expected for someone so asthmatic (my body normally wakes me up struggling for oxygen). When I woke up, it took me about 10 minutes to realize something was different: I could breathe. Better than I've breathed in six weeks. My lungs were TOTALLY clear. Now given the quantity of gluten I've eaten the last 3 days and so much last night and that I was wheezing profoundly when I passed out -- and it gets worse overnight and is terrible in the morning -- this was beyond just 'unusual'. I kept breathing in deeply in awe, like it was surely kidding, and any second now it would turn out to be some misunderstanding. But no. My lungs and bronchial tubes were CLEAR.

I had to credit this to Mei Lee and L'Anna as it's a phenomenon I have no other explanation for. When I thought of them, and thought a thank you at them, I got a whole-body rush, like an archetype merge.

This morning, after feeding the cats and so on, I went back to the meditation. First I asked to see all the body blocks related to Mei Lee and then first imagined clearing them up one by one and finally just body-wide. That was going pretty well so I asked to see my blocks for all the Consortium--my body was suddenly stuffed with every imaginable shape/size object--and I worked on just dissolving ALL of it at once body-wide. I had a lot of rushing feelings while doing this so I felt it was effective.

Then I went to work on the weird metal thing. This is like some kind of odd paranoia maybe? Why would I imagine something like that? Some interference with me from seemingly outside? Is there any such thing as 'outside' in an archetype model?! It is very confusing, philosophically and literally.

I had the sense that if I screwed with the small cube with pyramid-shaped end pointing up away from my body, that somehow... someone... would know. That it would get their attention. This is so ridiculous, I was thinking to myself. But you have to go with what you get or there's no point to this kind of work. So I asked for the Angelics and IG as well as Mei Lee and L'Anna to help me, and I said, I want this reprogrammed so that it will continue seeming to send the minimum signal expected which will prevent it or me drawing any attention to me. The equivalent of putting a static tape loop on a live security camera, to make it 'seem' like everything is fine and nothing is going on, the hallways are empty. This took awhile to feel like it was done acceptably. It no longer had a connection to the concave shape farther down. Then I moved it much farther out/away from me as I felt that wouldn't matter.

Then I tried to dissolve the concave satellite-ish shape, but it wasn't working. It was like it really was made of mental-metal and my ordinary "send energy at it" approach was having like no effect at all. I thought about it for awhile, waiting for ideas to come spontaneously. There had to be some solution, I told myself, though I was eventually feeling kind of hopeless.

Finally, I had this idea: if it were real, no matter what metal it was made from, there would be some molecular compound which would eat away at it. Like causing oxidation or rust. Nothing is eternal. All I needed was to create that compound, apply it, and then "accelerate time" in that object's space. So I did this, and watched it gradually dissolve, catching the dissolving energy in my own holding area, until the bowl of it was totally gone, then I directly applied that to all the odd shapes of it remaining.

Strangely I did not feel any rushing during any of this. IG has told me before I have the wrong expectations and that is only one sign of effect and that powerful things can happen without me feeling it in my body. I know I'm a child about this but I like the body-feelings. I feel it's so intangible without that.

So, it's just another day. But after six weeks of illness and being lost in the worst food-intolerance-sparked additional-asthma I've had in years, I woke up 100% breathing-healthy, and I feel I have better integrated with Mei Lee, and spent a little more time with L'Anna, and have dealt with some blocks in me related to them and others of the Consortium. So all in all, it seems to be going well.

PJ

Observing Your Focus, and Truth

I have taken up 'observing my focus' for the last several days. I've done this before, and I am noticing the same things now that I have in those times.

* My god. Do I spend THAT much time daydreaming, even while doing other things?

* Must daydreams always involve some element of power, control, violence, ego or other negative? (Even the positives are couched in negative situations.)

* Why does my biochemistry crave the daydream elements like a drug?

* Is there no end to the amount of totally retarded crap that runs through my head that has no purpose whatsoever, like some mental flotsam from immediate experience?

* Why does spontaneous experience (e.g. while driving down the road) invariably present some negative situational daydream?

* Why is it so difficult to maintain 'awareness' so these thought processes can be observed and altered more often and sooner?

So when I realize I have a thought process which is, shall we say, "unproductive", I imagine the energy of it splitting, so any 'manifestation-level' energy pulls off then is super-granulated and cleansed, then it is free to be used elsewhere. Then I imagine that I (via Will) cleanse and upgrade and brighten the energy composing all the rest of it. And then it's ok to re-absorb it, via my solar plexus.

The problem with 'awareness' is that if I 'get aware' spontaneously about 20 times, I usually have to do the whole release, cleanse, upgrade process 19-20 times. In other words, my head when I am not consciously focused on something, is nearly always filled with 'unproductive' activity. It's ridiculous.

How much different might my life be if more of my focus was on the positive?

I happen to have a quote from an old journal about this, since it is included in Bewilderness:

[Dec 1993] Well since I read that Seth book I've been thinking about the stuff he said. I'm watching my thoughts, and every time I come upon some subject or thought that is limited, or limiting, that defines a 'reality' for no apparent reason, that is based on the past or nothing else, I tell myself that it will disintegrate. It seemed appropriate, psychologically.

Problem is, I'm having to do this 400 times a day!! It seems like every single thought I have falls into this category. I can't believe how much my thoughts limit, and enclose, my life, my sense of reality... I can hardly believe it, but it seems everything my mind is based upon is some arbitrary judgement... I'm thinking, geez, where did all these judgements come from? I realize that I am making a decision about how things "have" to be, based upon no supporting data whatsoever. It's amazing!

All this time I thought I had everything figured out pretty well in life, I was intelligent, I was innovative. Now I see that even my wildest thoughts and most creative modalities were just well-kept paths through pre-existing gardens... designed by someone, who knows who, but it wasn't me.

Yeah, that.

The more I got my awareness under control the more I became 'responsible' for 'what my head was doing'. I got more and more focused on 'truth' as some actual THING that I could feel "in the middle of me", through me, as if it were part of the Superstring-of-Me that seems to go from center of Earth to center of Galaxy and pass right through the absolute laser-center of my crown to kundalini in the middle.

The primary side-effect of all this, as I recall, was what I called "instant karma." It felt like as I got closer and closer to truth, I began to understand how far from it we normally live. Most is just 'flotsam' -- it isn't truth, it isn't a lie, it's just trivial surface stuff, daily life. But as that gets minimized, and what is inside gets streamlined, it begins to feel like that constant 'unaware-thinking' that our mind does must have been 'venting energy' or using it in some way, because the less of that is going on, the more fundamental power the thoughts on purpose seem to have for manifestation.

I wrote about 'truth' and a profound dream/insight related to this previously.

I could feel that energy when I read things. I called it 'the red thread of truth'. I could just feel "through" words. I was barely able to test this in any objective way--but a little, that supported it. I could 'feel' where someone wrote a sentence but then changed it around. Very subtle, but I could feel in my gut the 'mixing'. When they added a word or sentence in later. When something that mattered was removed. Or when someone else (like an editor) added something in -- a break in the connection, a coldness of that element -- and if something shifted the intent or carried some intent other than the same one the writer had, that felt SO obvious.

So I would think of something positively, I would like XYZ to happen, and it would happen. I don't mean, eventually it occurred in my life. I mean, "convenient coincidence" is how it began, which increased to "massively improbable synchronicity" and we're talking astronomically improbable, which increased to "radical changes in space-time-reality around me." Whole 'breaks and shifts' in the reality around me to 'open up' a probability I wanted.

The closer I was to 'truth', to having 'my head clean and focused', the more I could see the effects of my thoughts on my reality. Now I admit I still am not 100% clear on why it was like it was. I mean, sarcasm, droll and exaggeration for example are my favorite types of humor yet they were pointedly off the path of truth. I could feel myself diverging from the feeling, from "being in the center", when I used them even briefly and in a positive framework.

There are other side-effects. For example the more you 'feel' truth the more you realize that if you limit what you say to what carries that energy, you end up saying very little at all. I talk a lot. So this was odd for me.

Another thing: it's like you become hyper-aware of people's "intent". You start to 'feel' how what they are saying or implying diverges from truth. Which leads to the unhappy conclusion that most our planet has little familiarity with the genuine feel of truth. They aren't just lying; they're lost. They've lost the feel, through repeated bad habit/avoidance of truth, until now they are lost in the flotsam and literally have become part of the noise of this reality, not the signal, so to speak.

I could "feel" that "bad luck" -- bad timing, unfortunate coincidence, when you miss something or someone you wanted to catch, when something offbeat happens, etc. -- I could FEEL it coming as it did, when I brought it on by a shift in thinking. I understood that my shift in thinking (such as allowing a daydream of a certain kind, or letting go of the constant, insistant "positive feeling foundation" I was attempting to hold all the time) had brought this reality experience to me. But sometimes it was really hard to get the furled-up symbol or 'meta' data for what energy brought it on. I might know that thought or action X directly led, within minutes or seconds, to reality event/circumstance Y. I just might not really understand the "why" of it. Except that all 'power' models of psychology seem to really represent 'fear/lack/vulnerable' models inside and so you act out the first mentally and the second promptly shows up in reality, almost like a counterweight, like the 'hidden' part of the iceberg; the true energy your daydream was made of. But if I hadn't been super-close to truth, if the effect hadn't been nearly instant and part of what I 'felt', I don't think I would ever have become aware of this.

Recently I had a week where I was both unusually randy and unusually driven to daydream, often negatively. (I will consider the sexual stuff positive, but note that it was much more in the power-submission model than it normally is.) I just had too much energy in the lower couple of chakras and was too oblivious to do something practical and useful with it instead of wasting it. Anyway, after a week of a lot of negative, all kinds of crap started happening to me, separately, "bad luck" and "chance" and "coincidence" and ALL NEGATIVE. Finally it literally was in a group tackle on my life when I realized (from under the pile) that I had TOTALLY brought this on myself. I focused like crazy on positive feelings, on dissolving negative daydreams, and reality promptly started improving.

Since then I've been attempting to 'watch my focus' again. I haven't tried this hard in a long time. It's just as seemingly hard as it was the last time.

Why should 'awareness' be so much work? I guess we spend most of our lives training to just 'exist obliviously'.

PJ

Sigils, the Black Cross, and Star Gates

I've been watching the show Stargate SG-1 with the kid, via hulu.com (Its Name Be Praised, thanks to free sci-fi). So that means when I sleep, and before and after, and now-and-then, some % of my brain operating independently in multitasking is actually thinking about the plotlines, the philosophy, and so forth. That's normal for me. That's one reason I never let a dilemma in a show go unresolved, like not watching the end -- because my brain will spend days or longer attempting to work out the 'why' in every level of altered state. It's the Virgo-troubleshooter version of 'nature abhors a vaccuum' -- my mind cannot abide a problem unsolved, apparently.

Getting to the point:

Once it was clear that neither IG nor the tower would be introducing me to any further 'Aeons' for the Consortium, leaving me with 12 (I thought it might end up with 16 but I guess not), I rearranged them into a circle that I perceive as 'around me' or like a ring. They had a say in this; I don't know why the arrangement is like it is, and Nero suggested it didn't have super deep/important meaning--but that it does have some.

I keep that image on my desktop and sometimes I notice trivial stuff about it. Like that Ithikah and Hot ____ (I still can't get/recall the second half of his long funky name, so I call him 'hote') are at the top and bottom, or front and back depending on how you look at it, and I can't put in words why this seems not coincidental or they seem similar in some fashion like they are really tall and so powerful in some physical way. Or why Mei Lee and L'Anna are at the sides across from one another, they seem similar in some fashion too, like powerful healers and the feminine energy. Or why if I divide it into groups of 3 (Ithikah to Taan, L'Anna to Marcus, Hot ___ to Calmé, Mei Lee to Nero), each group has one female. Honestly maybe this doesn't mean anything, but it feels like it does -- not a huge thing, but something.

You can see what I had in my head when I woke up: on the last episode we watched, they found another stargate here on earth, buried far beneath the ice in Antarctica. The dilemma was: how would they know, what would give away that the lost SG-1 members were in fact on earth rather than at some other planet's stargate? How could those searching (such as the delicious Michael Shanks) know to look on earth? The coordinates of the other gate would be identical--a side effect that prevents it from being able to 'dial home', at least initially when two SG-1 people find themselves there--it essentially gets 'a busy signal'. How could the obscure minor 'symptoms' of the attempt to invoke the other gate clue them in to its existence?

I really didn't care, once the episode was over. But something in the back of my head did, so that is what I woke up thinking about.

So as I sleepily mused on if you had a stargate and you didn't know it existed, what would be your clue?, as well as on why do I eat pizza when it makes me feel like crap the next morning?, I realized with some amusement that now that my Aeons are in a circle as a concept-model, that I have my own stargate, ha-ha-ha.

Any given Aeon I connect with, there is a certain energy. They are very specifically different. The better I know them, the more obvious that is.

I considered that in my archetype work I can creatively combine archetypes, have them work together even, and that in theory, this could go for the Aeons too. Like I could bring together any given number of them. Maybe in a certain order for me, that fit the analogy, the concept-model. I imagined a sequence of this- then- that- one, energetic lines that while linear in my perception mostly served to connect them on the same circuit, and the result in my head, I realized -- startled -- was a Sigil.

In Enochian Magick, the Black Cross for example, there is this table of Sigils -- funky simple geometries that to the gut, seem like a star chart. Each square (Aeon?) character is an identity. Each has its own energy, but every 2 connected, 3, 4, 5, becomes a larger and more complex and powerful identity, and changing the sequence of their connection will change the nature of that identity, and you 'invoke' them (or perhaps 'evoke' them would be more accurate for my Aeons, as they are part of me, or rather we are all part of a larger Being). That got my attention and woke me up a little more because I hadn't connected these patterns before.

I wrote about The Rainbow of Soul in 1995 as part of Bewilderness but that was like finding the same road from a very different origin--if you visit that link and scroll down you will see a little table of the Black Cross and Sephiroth and so on and some explanation. I don't want to put the image of the BC here because running into/working with that energy has made me bizarrely superstitious about presenting its patterns any more than necessary.

I have previously written as a gripe about the Enochian stuff that it had no point of origin, no relative explanation of where WE are in that universe, something that always bothered me about that model (not quite as much as the cat-eyed lizard guys showing up any time I focused on that magick bothered me though).

I suddenly thought: well that's because it isn't really ours. It was given to Dee/Kelley but its real origin is probably the telepathic cat-eyed folks; it is THEIR map; their stargate- arranged- as- a box- of- squares. The 'symbol combinations' in the stargate scifi analogies to the sigils, the unique combination of characters in Enochian.

It occurred to me that the Consortium are my personal Black Cross; they are my Star Gate. Maybe the universes to explore are all 'me', but the mental model works, either way.

Then it occurred to me that maybe when the scifi thinks of 'visiting another planet' and magick thinks of 'visiting another dimension' and in the Aeons model I am 'invoking/evoking a certain energy pattern in my larger-self', that maybe there is no real difference between these things.

Maybe in a Holographic universe, a Serpienski String model of self mixed with that, where galaxies look amazingly like body chakras, where I can't help but think that maybe we are the size of the cosmos and also the size of a liver enzyme and oblivious that somehow it is all the same thing experienced differently -- maybe other dimensions, other planets, and other aspects of our larger-selves, are the same thing. Like how space and time are also the same, ice and water are the same, like how all points are here and now, the zero-point they call it in modern terms.

What would happen, I wondered, if I combined my Aeons in different groupings, in different sequence, and meditated on that?

It isn't the linear sequence, I heard inside me (who knows from who/where), --it is the degree of connection/priority that one identity-pattern-of-energy has to another. Maybe it was Ithikah because at the same time that came in, these sort of geometries rolled out inside me that made me feel like in my gut they 'translated to' both the idea of, and the shape of, how when you write math equations, "parenthesis make all the difference" haha.

So if I connected Nero with Marcus and then L'Anna and then Taan, the point would not be the 'linear' path from N-M-L-T, because nothing is linear truly. The point would be that (a) Nero and Taan were the 'boundary anchors' (an identity-version of the nature elements) and (b) that Marcus-L'Anna was the energy that 'brought Nero and Taan together', and that (c) Nero had more connection to Marcus than to Taan in that 'equation'.

Equation. Fractal. Geometry. Pattern of connection; a Sigil. A star chart. Every man and every woman is a star. Every number is infinite; there is no difference. You see? It is all the same at different perspectives; like space and time are different perceptual models for the same fundamental. Like why the aspects of the LARGER-me are called "Aeons" because space, time and identity are all part of the same fabric.

I think... I think I almost get it.

Aw well. It's just another day. Off to do the dishes now.

PJ

Aeons aka Guides

I have a background on my computer desktop of the aeons I've talked about on this blog, and a few others. I thought maybe I should post it for general reference and talk a little about how it came about.

I've had the feeling I want something to physically represent them around me. As if I feel the need to "bring them into my reality" more physically. I am still thinking about it. Talismans? Wind Chimes? No idea. But while thinking about it I decided to do an 'image'-based version of a little chart I was keeping with 'where they appeared around me'.

This is the group I originally called 'The Consortium'. A group of some multiple of 4 that was 'a layer out' of "me" -- out from the Four. Not long ago I was wondering why IG had not introduced me, nor had I spontaneously met, any new Consortium members in quite a long time. I had the feeling Nero was suggesting they were complete. I went to my list and realized that made 12. I had guessed at 12 or 16 being the final number.

I went looking for a picture to represent Nero. I thought to myself that I would just enter google terms to match his general visage, then go through pics and see what I felt best about. What I found the instant I started was that he was present and had an opinion of his own. When he saw what he felt was best for me to choose, it had nothing to do with the fact that the man had much darker hair, was younger, had no strong roman nose, and so was rather different to me physically. Something about how *I* felt about the picture -- more a sort of 'my relationship to it and how it made me feel about the person' -- is what matched.

Bolehren was similar. The pic she chose was darker than she, and in my view didn't look a lot like her aside from female with brown hair, but she loved how I felt about the picture (the woman is adorable) and felt that was perfect.

Taan chose a picture that wasn't even a person but I find endearing and funny every time I see it. It matches his sense of humor and the ongoing innate joy he has.

Ray is short and strong but disliked all my dwarf googling (with some disgust) and chose something more like a strong man.

L'Anna was easy because she had appeared in the guise of a TV character to begin with, saying my attention to that character in the previous days was partly coming from her, to make our introduction easier.

Nedlund I have only seen eyes so far. Not close enough or integrated I guess. I'm still waiting to see more of him so I can find something to better match.

Hot ___ I still haven't got his second half of name yet. And he is not as egyptian looking as his pic, or maybe he is moreso but just not that exact thing, but where else is there a pic of something like that, I ask you.

Marcus also chose a pic for himself darker than he really is to me, and I couldn't remember where I'd seen that real person before until I remembered: a TV character I liked very well once who actually went by the name Marcus in the show (Babylon 5). That seemed a little funny, and makes it more iffy where imagination bleeds into this archetypal game of identifying with internal aspects, doesn't it.

Mei Lee matches a painting of a woman I cannot find. Hers is temporary until I stumble on something else that matches better. She is blonde with hair pulled back, an intelligent but lovely face, a bit elegant in look. [edited 11/15/09 when I updated this pic: I didn't want to use the actor I found but oddly enough the look in this picture matches her pretty well.]

Ithikah is only the 'shape' he gave me of himself, and rolled out inside me. Nothing comes close to that except that actual shape.

Jared the roman centurion and El Nino his black stallion came out ok. I have been talking with Jared and El Nino off and on lately. Trying to warm Jared up to me. I feel drawn to him but he still acts as if he is separate and slightly resentful of me.

Calmé liked that pic we found. She is darling internally as well.

The four elementals-of-soul in the middle, with IG at top. It is a nice reminder for me. At IG's suggestion I sometimes visualize hugging or holding hands with each of them. Having a sort of visual, no matter how silly it kind of must be to others, does help me establish a thought form place for them inside me.

It's on an otherwise black desktop screen. So fairly dark and decent for meditating.

The irony to all this is that at one time I reacted so badly to any of them. I felt almost hysterical and angry or afraid. And now I feel like I love them and need them and I often feel great gratitude for them, and wonder how it was I could go so long without knowing and feeling them as part of me.

Recently in a half-daydream some woman tried to introduce herself to me as an aeon from a different grouping. I told her to get lost. So apparently the resistance hasn't passed, only to this particular group. They are all so awesome.

I have wondered, is it coincidence that Ithikah is very tall and Hot __ is hugely tall, and they are front and back? Is it coincidence that the two to each side are fair women and both something to do with healing and more, I sense? My impression of their positioning (which they allowed me to put in a circle but had their opinions on how that should work) was always that, as one of them once said, it did matter a little, but not much. It was just mildly representative of our relationship.

I've had a few more conversations about 'awareness' with them. I still don't have much of it. Mostly Nero, when it does come through.

PJ
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Body Meds: No Idea I

This probably won't be the last time I do a body med and have no idea what the heck it is, hence my adding a number to the title. That used to always be the case, that I didn't know.

For years I could not hear my guides. I could see their lips moving, isn't that hilarious, but I could not hear them. Now they won't shut up. (Just kidding. Sort of.) Today when I asked Tek what this was he tried to tell me. I could feel that I was blocking him.

It SO bugs me because I don't know why. I mean seriously, who cares? I had already DONE the meditation, it was over, so why not know what it was? Why would my psychology block that? God only knows. Anyway so today it was a mystery.

I was sitting in my rocking chair again, waiting for the slab bacon to finish baking, since I had already finished the marinade for dinner's Pork Loin Rotisserie. (Apparently today is eat-a-pig day. I'm sorry, pig.) I had no idea how much longer the bacon was going to require cooking because I was cooking twice as much as usual at a lower temp than usual.

Me: Self, how much longer till the bacon will be done?

Self: About 8 minutes.

(Me to myself: why did I never before think of just asking myself such things??)

Me: Tek, I have 8 minutes. Do you have a med that can fit in there?

Tek: Yep. (He instantly starts putting stuff in front of me.)

I'm sitting at a table with him standing near me, and in front of me on the table to the left is a small soft object. I can't decide if it's irregularly shaped or the vaguest bit rounded-triangular in 3D. It looks like it is covered with greasy grime of some kind. But at least nothing is growing on it. So the disgust level is not too bad but it's not super pleasant, either.

To the right on the table is what looks like a silver hair pick, the kind with about 8 tines in a row. In school the kids with afros used to just stick them in their hair and leave them there (which I found hilarious. I wondered what would happen if I went to school with a hairbrush stuck in my hair one day. I didn't think anybody would get it. Or they'd kick my ass if they did).

Me: Tek, surely you cannot mean for me to spear this little thing with that tool but I can't think of any other way to use it on it.

Tek: The tool is for later.

So I started to pick up the little mucky thing and then stopped.

Me: I'm going to add gloves and so on here...

Tek: No. You need to touch this.

Me: You're kidding! Aren't you the guy who once forced me to wear a hazmat suit during one of these?!

Tek: That was something different. You need more of a connection to this.

Me: Oh brother. Ok fine. I'll have one hand that has no gloves. Maybe just the fingers. Maybe -- oh hell {on sensing "that look" from him}, FINE THEN.

So I pick it up in my hands and visualized that I'm holding it gently over a sink running the cleansing water of life and I work on rinsing it off. It takes a bit and I have to gently rub it all over to get the stuff off. Finally it's clean.

Me: What do I do with it?

He takes it from my hands and then he and I are someplace else. He hands me the silver tool and points upward. I look straight up, craning my neck back in a way, and I see there is this long ... damn. Shapes are hard to describe. Imagine something about four inches wide that is just like some kind of layer of something and it's slightly irregular but long in shape, like 4 inches by a few feet.

(You understand my perspective is all over in these. It could be microscopic, really.)

Tek: You need to break up the surface covering that area first.

So I took the tool and did tiny little pokes, very completely across it, and I brushed all the junk off that I'd broken up. Then I imagined some forced air cleaning it off really well.

Tek: There are actually tiny little tubes of a sort, in just the shape of your tool, that go into this. You can't see them well because they are clogged. You need to gently push the tool all the way into those holes to help clear them out inside.

I felt around. I could feel them more than see them. I set a tool-guide visual that when my tool was precisely in the right place it would ding and light up, and then I would gently push it all the way in and pull it out again. These things were maybe half an inch apart and it took awhile to go through the whole length of that region. Then I did another forced-air and then a water of life pressure wash to make sure everything was clear. I went through all the junk and made sure it was fine-particle size, imagined lightning frying it all into "inert" chemically, then dumped it in a waste bin.

The thing above me now was more dark fleshy pink colored than it had been and seemed like it would be sort of ... exuding something from the other side of it to this side, like a long flat-tube-ish area just dripping something into the area where I was standing from tiny little pretty regularly-spaced holes.

Me: So what's the little thing I washed got to do with that area up there?

Tek: It deals with what comes in from up there.

Me: What is that thing, and this area?

Tek: {I see his lips moving but can't get the concept or word. Damn!}

Body: Eight minutes are up! Your bacon is done.

I leap up and walk to the kitchen and open the oven. It's perfectly cooked. Way to go.

PJ
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Body Meds: Liver

Apparently this is what happens if you just ignore archetype meditations altogether for awhile. The mountain comes to Mohammed.

*

I was relaxed but not at all asleep when Tek showed up. Tek is a 'body-archetype' I guess. Times when I drop into this "white lab area" to work on stuff related to my body, he's the technician. But it's usually a matter of me going there and there he is. Never have I seen him anywhere else -- let alone in my awareness when I am not meditating at all. But there he was.

And suddenly we were together somewhere 'else'. In the 'else'-place, there was what I thought was a big wall, but then realized it was a big object of some kind, I was just seeing a part of it. The wall was lightly covered in places, and super densely in others especially nearer the top, with these darkest-brown "nodules". They felt like spherical barnacles.

I had the feeling that whatever they had begun as, attached in a tiny piece but added to it and grown, it had been "alive". Not alive like a full life form, but like... like molecules and cells felt a bit more alive than they normally do to me, and they were as much alive as anything else at that level.

He pointed and I followed his focus. A wave of nausea passed through me, which is pretty common for body-cleaning areas he focuses me on. I could tell that the surface of this wall/object was normally firm but soft/flexible. But where the nodule/barnacle/sphere-things were present, it seemed to be firmer (most of it), and where they were denser especially around the top, it got stiffer until in the areas where they were super dense, the entire area just seemed really thick, rock-hard and encrusted.

That didn't seem like a good thing at all.

Tek handed me some kind of tool. It looked like a kitchen implement but nothing I've seen before. It was silver and was a group of strong straight wire-like things with blunt ends, bundled together at one side with a handle, with the middle one sticking out more than the others. I had the feeling I was supposed to do something with this, like use it on the nodules. Maybe to pry them off, I thought, though it wasn't clear how that shape would apply to such a thing.

"I'm falling asleep," I observed, in some apology to him because that meant my awareness would be checking out any time now. He just stepped back as if to leave, and then said as he vanished, as if oh-by-the-way: "That's your liver."

I was so interested in that I knew, blessedly, I would remember it. Then I fell asleep.

I forgot about all this until this evening. I was sitting in the rocking chair holding my cat Lina, relaxing while my rotisserie cooked a few chicken breasts. I couldn't think of anything I felt less like doing than concentrating on disgusting things in my head, at that moment, but I didn't have any good excuse for NOT doing the med as I sat there doing nothing else of value.

So I dropped back into the 'place' I'd been with Tek. Called The Angelics, the 'archetypes' of Angels, who showed up and both placed one hand on a shoulder blade behind me. They don't give energy but they 'share guidance' is the best way to put it.

I called Inner Guide (IG) and asked for whatever archs she thought needed, and I brought in Sun (and held him tight for awhile) and Responsibility as my standards. She brought in Venus and Mars, although I was baffled at what they would have to do with this kind of thing.

I didn't know where to begin though, and finally had the presence of mind to ask IG for whatever archetype could best help me work through this meditation. Then I wondered why I never thought to ask for that kind of archetype before. Too obvious, maybe? It was an ordinary guy who I was super comfortable with.

*

He thought maybe I should start in what seemed like a corner sorta. It wasn't, it was just the positioning of the object (which was about 3x as big as me in that perspective), but it was at the very top, the hardest area, that made sense. I took the tool, turned it this way and that and said, "This is just not really made for this." I imagined a short sword, then worried about hurting the organ itself, so I changed the blade to something like my very thick, tough silicone spatula that I use for everything in the kitchen -- as a turner, a scraper, a stirrer, sometimes even a knife for soft things.

I started trying to slide the blade under the heavy crusted nodules but they seemed literally attached. I mean like some part of them... bit into or attached to actual cells of the organ. Like how barnacles I think can slightly soften the rock or something (I could be wrong about that). He said, "No reason not to try the standard archetype process." So I imagined the water of love and chemical of love and special-barnacle-peeling-gel-of-love hahaha. Then I had the idea for lightning and I psych'd myself up for it, and then imaged a flood of lightning flashing through me and specifically electrifying all this junk and 'separating' it in a flash from the organ.

Then I went with the short-soft-sword all around the organ. I pried off all this stuff, and it wasn't that hard to pry it off as I thought it would be. Just a lot of it was all. I got the entire object done except one small spot on the other side that had some kind of problem and I had to say I'd come back to it; it felt like in that area, there was actually an erosion, an eating-away-spot gouging out a small area.

I had intentionally imagined a 'catching' area for all the massive crap I was hacking off. Looking down, it was like one of those rooms full of balls that kids jump in, except everything was in varying shades of brown and yucky. Tek suddenly showed up at my right.

"That's what the tool is for," he said, motioning to all the stuff. "You need to break it up into tiny pieces. We don't want to release this like it is into the body."

So I went through first and 'stabbed' all of the nodules so everything was broken up into chunks. Then I went through, imagining it moving impossibly fast, and broke everything up like a whisk of sorts, until everything was a fine-granuled particle. Then I visualized dumping it all into a big sealing trashcan that would take it straight to 'waste disposal'.

*

I almost forgot, then I went back to the spot that had some kind of problem. Up close, it looked like something had been 'eating away' at this tiny spot. I finally, with the arch's guidance, decided to disassemble the cells all around and inside that area, a bit like cutting out the rotting flesh in a way but gentler, and got that made inert and broken up and in the waste. Then I poured energy into the 'healing' of that area from inside and out. In the end it was still vulnerable and I imagined some kind of good-cells that would cover it like a bandaid patch while it totally healed and got its natural shape back again.

*

Tek said that went just fine and he has more I could do if I were willing. I said ok then. Sure why not. I'm really working on supplements and reading on biology and more lately, so it's sensible I'd be tuning into body-stuff.

PJ
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Abreactions in Archetype Meditation and Remote Viewing

In hypnosis, an 'abreaction' is what I was taught to call the spontaneous muscle spasm jerks that the subject (person being hypnotized) sometimes would display -- these can be anywhere in the body, but usually occur solar plexus or lower. The idea is that when this happened, it was a subconscious "rejection" of the information that was being processed at that moment. You've heard the slang phrase "a knee-jerk reaction" -- yes. Basically that sums it up.

In psychology official, abreaction is "the release of emotional tension achieved through recalling a repressed traumatic experience." Its definition indirectly or directly implies that this recall is via 'words, behavior, or imagination'. Nowhere does it suggest that "spontaneous muscle spasms" qualify for the term, though I suppose they do. For whatever reason, the MDs and PhDs that ran one of the places where I studied hypnosis used that term for that effect.

Abreactions were not uncommon, in fact they were pretty much the norm. Where, how often, how extreme, etc. they might be depended not just on the person but on the subject matter, and I assumed, the degree of belief system issues they were having with absorbing suggestions directly. If one line of suggestion was meeting regular abreactions, the result wasn't likely to be good; best to take a different tact.

At one point, I started studying people around me whom I was not hypnotizing, and came to the interesting conclusion that perhaps many people abreact quite a lot in fact. But it's such a small thing, few of us even notice it. We haven't been trained to do so, to pay attention to that kind of thing, to have any idea it might mean something. So in a way, our body is constantly talking to us, we just don't hear it.

Of course, muscle spasms do also happen for musculature reasons that are not necessarily related to any deep psychological meaning. Sometimes a muscle is just a muscle, you might say.

Just to be clear, I am NOT talking about major, charley-horse type spasms. Those issues can be caused by low magnesium/potassium/calcium. This is something I know too much about, as every time you shift suddenly to low-carb eating, you drop all the artificial 'bloating' your body holds in order to process carbs. The sudden drop in water/glycol bloat washes out a lot of those minerals temporarily and if you are not supplementing with them, 'charley horse' spasms in legs/feet for a short time are not uncommon. That is not the kind of muscle spasm I am talking about.

The kind I'm talking about range from barely perceptible even when you're looking for them, to a major "jerk" of the whole body. They range from a 'twitch' you don't notice to such a wild spasm that you forget literally everything in your head at that moment.

o0o

In archetype meditations I have often run into abreactions. The most difficult meditations I've ever done have always been accompanied by plenty of abreactions -- often instantly when a certain idea, image or concept comes up. Here's a few quotes from old blog posts here to give some real examples of how this comes about. I admit I don't usually make a note of it except in the more extreme cases, but it's not an uncommon thing in more minor degree.

Adjustment, Take II
The moment I arrived and took IG's hands--already my mind trying to escape--and begged her to help hold my attention there, I began abreacting. Muscle spasms went crazy. [...] Every few seconds I would abreact somewhere. It is very obvious I have a severe problem with this archetype but I can't really figure out why. [...] My mind wandered. I held my mind fiercely and my body spasmed so intensely I forgot who the hell I was for a moment. But I began again. And again. And again. And...

A Heavy Issue, Take I
I looked over at the playing cards moving around in the air beside us. I tried to 'see' one clearly. I had a flash of something..
Me: Wands.
My right leg spasmed violently.
I closed my eyes and waited, like in RV, for the next data point.
Me: Red. Feet? Seems like feet or print of feet, but also red.
Both of my legs spasmed more violently.
Me: Horse? I think.
My entire body spasmed wildly.
Me: For godssakes! And won't THAT meditation be fun I bet...

A Heavy Issue, Take I
I thought that sudden memory was IG giving me an answer. So I said, "OK, I want to meditate on "my problem with extra bodyfat" now."
I sneezed violently.
I said dryly to IG, "Well that's gonna be quite the meditation I bet." IG seemed amused, in a good way, the first time I've got that sense from her.

Knock Knock, Neo
I'm having a lot of abreactions still. And I'm starting to forget stuff almost immediately after doing it, which makes blogging it even more important I guess. I must be working on stuff heavier duty than I realize. [...] I said to him, "I'm having constant abreactions but only in my right leg. The calf, the knee and thigh. None anywhere else. Why is it that I am reacting here to you?" And the arch said, "Why don't you do a meditation on the archetype of your right leg." I was dumbfounded. I never thought of meditating on a body part. And yet if our body is manifest energy, and a core part of us, and our memory and so on is throughout our body, then surely every part of the body is a primal part of us. Surely every part of our body has a great deal of symbolic and literal meaning.

Most interesting to me, as it is not the only time this has happened to me -- is this one:

Arch-Dreams and Chaos
I started abreacting. I would have a thought or start an arch-dream and my body would jerk violently in one place or another, mostly lower body. I could literally feel it this time, as if energy-which-is-also-information were trying to run through my nervous system, but blocks were "shunting it off" with muscle spams. It got more severe. At one point, I found myself in this arch-dream and I went, "Hey! Hey, I remember this now! This is where I was last night! This--" and an abreaction so severe that my entire body spasmed wildly hit me. I forgot everything except that last thought. But at least it made me realize that I didn't just pass out in the middle of a thought last night; I was doing "something", I just don't remember what.

So I re-read that last clip above not long ago and I thought, Hey wait a minute. That's a big neon sign, isn't it?! This is exactly what I should be meditating on -- ask IG for "whatever that is". If it is so severe that it knocks you unconscious when you're meditating yet wide awake, that it later gives you such severe abreaction you forget everything in your head related to it instantly, then this is definitely something that needs attention.

But I felt fear the moment that concept hit me. I could feel it in my torso, from my solar plexus down to my groin, like a meta-physical "ghost-feeling" energy of sorts. Which tells me that yes -- definitely I need to meditate on this. But more importantly it also tells me that this -- this fear, this passing out -- I see it as a symptom 'related to' the severe bodily-abreaction. Which sort of corresponds with what I have "intuitively felt" when having abreactions before, many times in fact -- that it is a "shunting off", from the nervous system I believe, of the 'energy', basically "not allowing" it to be processed through the body -- and, I have a couple of times 'sensed', that it is literally traveling through the body and up to (or returning to) the 'brain' area but it's never making it that far; the body is kicking it off the path before it can get there. So the mind cannot 'think' about it because 'the thought never reaches you' you might say. You could call it denial but this is happening at a body/subconscious level before that energy/info ever has the chance to even make it into your processing mind.

To a vastly lesser degree -- but still worth noting -- I sometimes abreact in Remote Viewing sessions as well. I seem to do it more when dehydrated. I seem to do a lot more when there is a great deal of trauma in the target, in fact, if I'm doing a target and abreacting all over the place I know it's going to be a 'mass trauma' target (eg a photo of the immediate aftermath of -- while still pulling survivors and bloody victims out of rubble -- some massive disaster, e.g. a major earthquake). When people are dead already, or when it's just something explosive, or when it's long after or before the disaster or not with a focus on humans, I don't get it so much. But when there is a mass number of humans in great drama/trauma/death all at once in a target, I am likely to either bluescreen the entire negative or have a terrible problem with abreactions (and getting data at all, as a result, since my body is throwing most of it off the line!) during session.

I know this is boring (my readers are already snoring) but I think this is important.

It's important to RV because if abreacting does indicate a rejection of energy/information, it would matter to figure out how to work on that after or during the experience, to try and clear that out.

It's important to meditation because if we learn to notice such things about our bodies, we learn more about ourselves. This ties into a recent thing too. Not long ago I blogged:

Body Talk
...during the meditation I had a sudden 'twinge' in my left foot. Of course when you meditate you get all kinds of distracting body sensations, little pains, etc. But because I was at that moment pouring energy into an archetype (to no particular effect), without thinking much about it, I shifted and for a few moments, was pouring the same kind of energy-intent into my foot where it had the painful little twinge. And I got a *major* rush, body-wide. I was astonished. It made me realize that when we are meditating on something, body stuff isn't just a 'distraction' -- it's energy acting-out, it's communication or at least warning sparks -- and THAT is exactly where to focus. I mean, that's what pain is about: saying, "pay attention to me!" And all this time I've been taking this no-mind meditation approach toward it -- rather than the active-meditation format I actually use -- I'd been working to ignore that kind of thing. Once I realized that my body could talk to me and that energy with my body was as much a part of the meditation as the other things, that seemed to come and go for awhile, as if my body was as delighted as I was that I had learned a few simple words of its language.

It isn't just abreactions. It's any 'body response'. It's like we are meditating and we want to talk with our subconscious, and our body IS our subconscious in manifest form, and every time it says something to us we go, "Shut up. I'm ignoring you because I'm meditating to talk to my subconscious." Sheesh!

I guess it just seems to me that paying more attention to things like abreactions and sudden pains etc., may be a great deal more important than I have previously considered. Maybe when I get a serious abreaction I should actually meditate ON the abreaction.

Previously when talking with IG about remote viewing and inaccurate data, she suggested that I work directly with the problem data (after feedback) to clear/straighten out that energy in myself. We shared a kind of visualization of these vertically suspended 'strings of energy' that had bends, stiffness, knots, frays, etc. (this representing, literally or figuratively, energy-issues with certain data) and basically rejuvenating all those strings so they would be clean, supple, strong strings of light. And then that this could be done pretty quickly, en-masse, and I imagined them all together in a group over a star-trek style transporter pad, and the energy just going through them at the quantum level and reorganizing them cleanly according to their true pattern and getting rid of interference etc. I've wondered if one could do this before feedback or even before the session--if we can psychically know the target, why could we not know what data points we're going to have issues with?--and if that might help as a process ritual to 'clear out' energetic problems ahead of time.

Well along the same lines, maybe I should be doing that kind of "reality med" -- what I call very brief shape-visualization-based meditations -- on every serious abreaction, pain, itch, etc. that I might get during meditation or remote viewing.

If nothing else I am going to make a point to pay a lot more attention to this now, and to 'allow' my body to use this as a kind of communication. Maybe 'itch on my left foot' is like a task number, a 'directive' to pay attention to that energy (whatever it might be) at least for a moment. Maybe abreactions are just a big arrow to what we resist, refuse, etc. and great strides could be made by specifically meditating on the parts of our body that abreact, hurt, etc.

PJ
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Drifting

I feel like I'm just a drifter lately. Not focused. Relaxing, half asleep, floating on the current of life. Not proactive, not even reactive, just sprawled out in weightlessness, freed from the gravity of my normal life. I have so many self-created 'obligations' to helping other people, doing free projects online, etc. that for years it has felt like I literally am 'working' (paid or not) every minute of the day, and when I wasn't doing that, I was feeling guilty about not doing it. Lately I haven't been feeling much of anything about anything. Which sounds depressive, but really it's just a relief.

I've taken up watching shows on hulu.com. I loved the Dresden files. And Firefly. And a variety of other things. I'm generally a SCIFI/FAN/ACTION sort, if that's a clue to taste. I used to think that no decently intelligent TV shows got made for the most part. It turns out, they do get made. They just don't last for more than 6-13 episodes is all and I never saw them. Hulu has rescued a lot of great shows from obscurity, leaving fans like me grieving that it was over before we ever even ran into it.

I did a meditation the other night. OK nearly a week ago. IG brought Ray back. It's a male human guide. (I was thinking maybe the name might be like ray-of-light and might be something unusual, but I guess not.) Of course, despite a meditation and then a dream with Ray, I remember approximately nothing about him. This hardly seems like coincidence, given how effectively he fell out of my head the first time. Oh brother.

I used my Procyon again the other day. I haven't used this very often and want to get back to that. It's a light-sound machine that pulses sound and colored LED's at beat-intervals designed to create a frequency following response in the brain that puts you in a given state of mind. I've had some insomnia issues and putting on some delta does seem pretty effective at knocking me out. Although in fairness if I am sleepy at all even an alpha program will do that.

The guy who runs the company I bought my unit from worked for some time on Vista 64 drivers so I could do the custom programming for it. I haven't tried them yet (just got them a couple weeks ago) but want to try that. I like the idea of combining a verbal walk-through of say, an archetype meditation, with the cool music stuff I got ('looping' synth tracks), with custom beat patterns both sonic and photic, to see the end result. Although it seems like this is the kind of thing you could get into and still be experimenting 60 years later. Knowing me I won't be happy until my brain is jello.

I've been experimenting a little now and then with a tantric redirection of sexual energy toward the aeons around me (the guides), sort of putting energy into them/our connection. It's a hard temptation (as the most pleasure is letting it spill out at random of course) but seems to work, insofar as directing the energy to them seems to vaporize it -- which I assume means the 're-routing' is effective. Have only tried it a few times and haven't yet done it while "in" a meditation (normally I've done this as part of an advanced archetype meditation and a rather highly 'personal' relationship with the arch) so I'm not sure yet of any real result.

Temporarily (I hope) I've completely lost traction on my 14 year remote viewing obsession. I mean at the moment it's like the whole topic could evaporate and I wouldn't even care. I assume it's just burnout on a variety of related things and that will pass. Always seems to. It feels like a good thing though. Like I had too much 'attachment' to it, in the Eastern sense, and I am releasing that, and letting it be-what-it-is-for-me without a lot of other conditions.

I tried my pressure cooker for the first time the other day. It did manage to turn stew meat, that would normally take a solid 6-8 hours in the crockpot to get soft, into the same texture and good taste in 15 minutes. (And 20 minutes of gradual depressurizing.) I'm going to have to start using that more and experimenting. Since I eat lowcarb (mostly meat) and cheaper cuts taste good but are tougher, anything that speeds up cooking time/trouble dramatically is a good thing. I think my next experiment in it might be pork carnitas.

I'm hoping to do a little meditating this weekend, if I can pull myself away from Hulu that is. I'm turning into a couch--well, laptop--potato. But I'm running out of shows I like well enough to sit through, bummer! Anyway I'm planning to do a brief alpha session with the procyon and then do some Tower/IG/Arch/Guide work. Hope to have something useful enough to post on before it's over.

PJ
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Ray

I've mentioned a few times that one reason I blog my experiences, and as soon as possible, is because I forget them otherwise. No, let me be more precise; I forget them either way. But this way, I can re-read my blog and be reminded of them. I often have to read this stuff half a dozen times before it stops "falling out of my head" and I can easily remember it.

I actually think this is a serious issue in shamanistic-type paths that is seldom addressed. (Maybe people forget to address it. Haha. Or maybe it's just embarrassing.) Our reality is defined by what we accept and pay attention to. Obviously, the things which most challenge the definition of our reality, and of our identity, are the most difficult to deal with, and will have the most denial and evasion present.

For me, the Aeons (guides) (yes I still think the 'aeons' term as a noun for those identities is a bizarre one, but it returned so often when wondering how to define them I've decided to go with it and trust that a better understanding of 'why' will eventually arrive. Although in case I didn't mention it, part of the info was that they are not just a span of energy but a span of both space and time as well. It's really very weird.), and archetypes, they threaten my current "sense of identity" and "belief system" constantly.

Some things, by their nature, will not stay. The Private Oracle stuff, that literally fell out of my brain within 20 seconds, although he did explain why, and what I had to do to prevent that. I simply must do that kind of communication while sitting at my computer so I can record it on the fly. Most things, though, are ok at the time -- but I need to record it within a day or I lose a large % of it, and if I don't get it recorded within a few days it's gone.

Today I opened up this 'meditation google spreadsheet' I have which lists the various stuff I would like to meditate upon. I realized that in my blog here, I had met a guide (the tall statue like guy whose name was haute-some-thing) and forgot to put him in the little diagram that shows 'where' they appear around me. He is behind me, behind Jared and El Nino.

But when I pulled it up, in the top right corner position, it had one I don't remember: it said: RAY.

Somewhere between April 26 when I first made that chart, and a couple months ago, I apparently met an aeon/guide named 'Ray' and he was in that position so I recorded him there. Or her. Or it. But I didn't write it down, at least, I can't find any trace of it in this blog, or in my email.

So it's gone to me. I will ask IG to bring Ray back and introduce me again and perhaps I will remember something, who knows. All I know for now is that once again (it's happened before) I have done a meditation or had some spontaneous experience, failed to write it down promptly, and it fell out of my mind as if it had never even happened.

That's weird don't you think.

You know this reminds me of something from years ago. I was walking through a street faire in the city I grew up in (Ventura CA). I hate crowded events and was pushing my way through the crowd, not really thinking about anything. I happened to come right up face to face with a woman in the process who gasped out loud on seeing me, jaw dropping, and exclaimed in a half-whisper, "You're a walk-in!" as if that was something amazing. I had no idea what she was talking about. The only place I'd even heard that term was when you don't make an appointment at a hair salon. I decided she couldn't possibly be talking to me (no matter that she seemed to be) because it just didn't really make sense to me and by the time I was recovering from the surprise of it we had already passed each other in the crowd.

Some time later, probably a few years I'm not sure, I was in a big inside shopping Mall in Oxnard CA. I was walking down the tiles toward a store when I happened to see a very well-dressed woman (maybe late 30s) in a business-like suit on the other side of the aisleway, walking the other direction, toward me. I wouldn't have noticed her except that she looked at me and then did a sort of double-take, and then totally detoured across the mall toward me. It was obvious she was going to say something to me long before she got there, and we both stopped when she reached me. She said quietly to me, "Do you know that you're a walk-in?" and I just looked at her blankly. I knew a meaning for the term then. I'd read this book by Lobsang Rampa my step-grandma had given me and talked with her about it, it was this far-out thing where allegedly someone's soul, rather than dying, jumps hosts (bodies) and lets someone else die but takes their body so they can stay in this timeline. At that moment, I couldn't even imagine what on earth such a thing could have to do with me. But the oddity is the weird way I reacted. I just walked away. I mean, it was rude of me, and I should have said something, or asked what she meant or why she would say that, wouldn't you think. But I didn't. I walked away and I kid you not, within a few steps I could completely forgotten it EVER happened.

I remembered years later, when I 'woke up' and realized I didn't start in this body -- a truly horrible realization, akin to BladeRunner's girl discovering her whole childhood was a lie and she didn't really have parents, she was really just AI not human. Then, I suddenly remembered both of those events which had fallen completely out of my brain until that moment, and I observed how odd my reaction was, especially to the second event. It seemed clear to me that I was simply not ready to know that, to deal with that, and so was in complete denial about it, so I couldn't hold the memory.

I had a ton of experiences that were 'anomalies' over the years, things some would consider related to 'aliens and entities', though different people might class them differently (in UFOlogy or Spiritual Warfare or Mind Control or god-only-knows what else). Many times, I had a certain genre of experience repeatedly, but it always just fell out of my head. Then eventually when I was able to consciously focus on and 'accept' a given thing that made it ok and possible to me, it was like a 'tag/label update' on all the database entries that related to that, and all the sudden I had a whole group of memories that I had never been able to recall before and never "correlated together" before. What this meant in practice was that I would have an experience that seemed novel, but once I fully 'integrated' it, I would realize that I'd had many such experiences for years.

It had the disconcerting effect of making me feel like I really didn't know a damn thing about myself OR my life, that so much of it had been "under the radar" for me.

Me, the logical, rational one, the skeptical one. And it turns out there was nothing logical or rational about me, only an impressive ability to ignore half my experiential universe so I could believe that I was logical and rational. Given the degree of fear (even panic) that I perceive on the part of many so-called skeptics (it wouldn't be such evangelism otherwise. They are 'scoffers' or 'pseudo-skeptics'. Real skeptics don't behave like that), I think this may be more common that we (as a culture) realize.

I hope I find Ray.

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Normalizing

I've been working on making my life just a little bit more normal. I don't mean "no longer a flaming weirdo" normal -- how could that possibly happen? -- I mean "allows more than 3 hours of sleep a night, doesn't work on something every waking instant, actually takes a little time for herself" kind of normal. I have managed this approximately two days in a row. This would be two days more than the last ten years or so, which means it must be a big deal to me.

As part of this, I instituted Martial Law in my household: also known as "lights-out bedtime". 10pm for the kid (who turns 13 tomorrow), 11pm for me. Ideally I'm in bed at 10 too but meditating or something... but worst-case, I must be by 10:30pm. If something is not done that should be done -- the story of my life! -- it is just going to have to wait until morning.

So the night before last I decided to do an archetype meditation on my job, certain aspects of it. That went ok. Not real exciting though at the end I did get a small rush. What was more interesting was that later, I was still awake but starting to doze, and I was going through a sort of chaotic spontaneous visualization sequence. At one point I found myself in the air above and out from something on a cliff wall, I wasn't sure what but it looked like a sort of balcony had been built into the cliff wall and there were people, maybe asians, standing on it. I zoomed down there in interest and flew over there and into the darkness of the cliff opening and the minute I went in, I had this HUGE body-rush, like a really good archmed. I've never had that happen from spontaneous stuff vs. meditating before.

Last night I decided to do an archetype meditation on today -- on getting various things worked out I needed to for Ry's birthday. I needed to renew my license; it took eons to get my certified birth certificate from another state so I could do so. 22 years ago I changed my name and I don't have any certified document for it which I figured they'd want, dang it. I was borrowing a car I'd never driven, a van no less, for the driving test. And they didn't even HAVE the book to study for the written test, how dumb is that ("we're almost always out of them" - the DMV!). I needed more time than my dad probably had in order to get to walmart and order her cake and get a few things... and I needed to work out the car rental and was so worried about money, wanting it to be ok, since I loaned some to my bleeping ex (kids' dad) who still has not repaid me two weeks after the promised time. Not sure how I could do it, it'll be like $100/day and paypal refuses to let me promptly transfer money from my bank to them (though they will let me promptly transfer it to anybody else. Go figure!) and I don't have enough in paypal for the car and they won't let you use a visa-debit, only a visa. So all in all I just wanted things to go well.

This morning, I remembered what Nero has shown me about believing with faith, about suspension of disbelief, about a specific WAY of thinking about things that actually assumes and accepts that there IS an answer/solution, and that it's nearly tip of the tongue, and it's totally obvious, and any-second-now it is going to become clear. It isn't merely that you are allowing for it; you're actually forcing the space for it and pressing on it to manifest, but not by wishing, not by hoping, not by fear, but by 'expectation'.

The archetype was Jayne. This is a character on the science fiction show "Firefly". He's actually a funny character; completely untrustworthy, oblivious and sexist and more, yet he is a mercenary and ridiculously tough and good with weapons, and often funny (usually by accident) and sometimes a little touching (like many men-boys are, even the worst ones). But the thing that got me is, I have NEVER had an archetype be anything, anybody, any character, that I knew! Never! I didn't even know that COULD happen, although once I pondered it I couldn't come up with any good reason why not.

I said, "Why would YOU be my arch??" and he said, something like (I don't remember exactly now) it had to do with the 'untrustworthy' element more than anything (me not trusting how the day would go) and I had just watched an episode of the show earlier so it was a good 'symbol'. Anyway, I was ridiculously unfocused, it took like 90 minutes to do what I should have done in like 8, and the merge at the end was very small.

But today, the DMV lady actually remembered me from 11 months ago, accepted my daughter's birth cert I happened to have in my wallet (for other reasons) as a secondary form of ID, solving that problem entirely. Then it turned out I did not have to do the driving test which solved the van problem. Then it turned out I did not have to do the written test, which solved that problem. Then because of those two points we had a lot more time, so I was able to go to walmart and order her cake and get some stuff, solving that problem. Then, the guy at the car rental place tells me it's way cheaper online and so I do that and it turns out they only have to charge the car against the visa, I called him and he said we could charge the insurance against my debit card, whew, perfect.

As if that isn't enough, on the way to do all this I was looking in my old (not used anymore) purse to see if I could find our social security cards, and I found a $500 check from a client from the end of April that I had never deposited! And it didn't have a 90 day expiration on it. I couldn't believe it! (He will git me for waiting this long, but oh well!)

I was just stunned at how well everything went. I can't prove the meditation helped, but it certainly didn't do any harm.

I have been meaning to outline a series of archmeds on body parts. I don't mean like my elbow, I mean like my liver, thyroid, amygdala gland, the nervous system, fat cells, etc. I've been reading endlessly on health stuff and I think it would be interesting to do a series like that.

Now that I am "normalizing" my schedule to allow at least one little meditation time per night, I think I might get back to more of it.

PJ
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Misc. Meditations

Had some time this evening. First time that I have not been profoundly sleep deprived, and had at least an hour to myself, in longer than I can even remember.

I decided to do some meditating.

First I roll out my world as usual and am reminded--I'd forgotten--that for some reason, a staunch tree grew on my plateau near where I appear. This plateau is super high, nothing but rock and wind, but there it is. It is amazing to me that despite I'd consciously forgotten about this, it's like the thought form has its own coherence. I couldn't remember what/why it was there, if I ever knew. I finally decided a tree wouldn't be a bad thing after all; I mean symbolically it seems ok; so I poured some energy visualization into the overall setting to make it nice for me and IG to meet there. I thought since I meet her under a tree -- albeit some distance away, and through a cave, and out into a subworld -- that maybe this was a sign I should just do the work here instead.

So I meet IG and after some rapport tell her just whatever she likes, everything I most need to work on, let's do it.

The first archetype med had me opening my eyes and I was floating in space. This is rather different. Ahead of me is what looks like some kind of gas-cloud constellation, as well as tons of fragments of stuff that looks like everything from asteroids to some distant planets and some moons and even space junk of some kind. The territory this spans is just VAST, and I stare at it and 'feel' it in some awe.

I think for awhile about what I can do, how I can share energy with anything this vast, how to work with this as an archetype. I finally decide that I just have to relax and allow myself to 'fill' that entire space and my energy to permeate through every object and the space itself, and I imagine myself becoming vast and one with all of that and I get lots of 'rushing' energy feeling so that seemed ok. Tons of spontaneous yawning, I get that when doing energy stuff like this at times.

I ask her for something else when that's done, whatever she wants. I wasn't even surprised that she gave me another guide and I think I had the feeling that was going to happen before I even asked. This one wasn't human. It was one of those 50 foot tall egyptian-like statue-entities. Except I didn't have much egyptian overlay, that's just the only model I have for those entities in previous experience. Go figure. He tried to tell me his name but I couldn't quite get it. In the end I had something like two words, like Hot (pronounced haute or hote) and something else with a few syllables. None of it ever worked out fully so I finally shrugged and dropped it. No idea what he deals with. He took up position behind Jared & El Nino who are right behind me. Had some energy in that one as well.

Then I remembered the binding meditation and I went to the room where we'd imprisoned that part of me and just totally absorbed her and allowed her to absorb me and focused on sending energy through the heart chakra and feeling love and oneness and that we would work it out, whatever her issues might be. That was some nice energy too and seemed to work.

Then I dropped into the ground and went down, while a part of my mind played this tiny video like a map that showed how as I went down into the earth I was moving down my brainstem in literal focus somehow. (Don't ask me to explain that, I don't know what it means, unless it's the obvious.) I called for Tek though the room was a bit different, and the angelics who came and put a hand on each shoulder blade behind me, and asked to deal with whatever body thing needed it. The entire room was promptly utterly covered with brown to black thick runny yuck stuck to every millimeter of floor, walls and ceiling. Really gross and pretty archetypal I guess. I've had something akin to that before though not that scope of it.

I first imagined that the whole floor was a grate and under it was the body's waste disposal system. Then I visualized a vertical wide-spread hose sprayer that got from roof to wall to floor and in several feet and then imagined I was gradually spraying all the way around the room. It was taking so LONG. I reminded myself how I've been told the 'sense of how long it takes' depends on me and my acceptance of it mostly. I worked on believing that it could happen much vaster and still be effective and finally got the entire room cleaned out.

Then I went to see the four and hugged my mate really tight repeatedly, and presented to the royalty of The Senior and The Queen, and then we merged.

Then I hugged/shook hands with various guides around me and tried to merge with a few of them.

I told IG I'd be willing to do a dreamlets series but it didn't come. Then I ended up spacing out a little.

It's the first meditation of any kind I've done for quite awhile. I miss me. I miss meditating. I must return to that.

PJ
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The Prisoner

Ever since a bunch of me pounced on, tied up and incarcerated that other part of me that was being such a pain in the ass and causing some serious passive/aggressive, inner-turbulent rebellion in my life, things have been better.

I actually feel slightly freed. As if maybe this was an energy that was messing with me for a long time in several ways but I didn't know it until I finally muffled it enough to "feel the difference".

I was going to meditate on her problem but realized that I have a bigger problem: I don't care. Really. I just don't give a damn. I'm ticked off that something threatened me from the inside and I really just want that aspect to go away and leave me alone. I know this is not do-able; she normally has a 'dominant' role so it's a pretty big deal to exclude her. I can feel that.

Still, I feel as if "parts of me that have not had freedom to express in a long time are suddenly out to play." I feel SO much less emotionally angry-flatlined. I feel more interested in creative things. And I feel like "a younger me" -- like, a me that I used to know -- is "more present" now than before.

This stuff is difficult to explain without sounding like an idiot.

Anyway, so she is staying imprisoned for awhile apparently.

PJ
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