Yesterday when napping I had such an 'astral-ish' dream. The sort where you can totally feel your energy body moving around. It vaguely related to remote viewing but I didn't remember much detail. Only that I was lying on a trampoline and gently throwing myself (impossibly) up into the air and then sinking low and rebounding.
Last night I was dreaming and again, I was focused on remote viewing. Not a surprise as I've been working on a human target pool yesterday and today. A man showed up to help me who seemed normal and friendly, we were going to be working on my RV, and I was just feeling enthusiastic when another man showed up very suddenly and pulled me away from him, forward in space but somehow in time as well.
The man who had arrived had a 'fascination' element for me; his eyes were black and hypnotic. In the back of my head, I was concerned about the nice guy, but couldn't seem to think very clearly about it anymore.
We were continuing on this journey, and the first man showed up behind us to join me. He seemed to think that it was his place to be with me related to RV. The second man with 'the eyes' grabbed him and threw him some impossible distance away. I looked back, stricken, worried that he would be harmed, and it seemed he had crumbled in a heap in the distance. But then the new guy's eyes distracted me and we continued on.
The nice guy showed up behind us a second time, refusing to leave me alone with the other. The other guy then grabbed him and somehow threw him into an oncoming speeding car that tumbled over until when I looked again, somehow he was stretched out like a cartoon around the end of a truck, obviously dead. I was getting more concerned now but again the eyes distracted me and we walked on.
A third time, the man showed up beside me, and the guy next to me threw him back on the ground, and the man with me shot him in the head three times. I looked in some horror at all the blood spreading on the ground behind us, and feeling some odd sense of grief I let the man pull me forward and away.
I suddenly woke up, and the dark-eyed man couldn't hold me asleep as I felt he tried to; he was gone to me when I awoke. But I could sense the other man in the dream though--the nice guy who had come to get me three times--as if he were right there with me while I was awake--something I've only felt Nero do before.
I said to him, "Damn, what a dream. Are you real? Are you one of my Guides?" He said yes. I brought us to Inner Guide and asked her if he was in Nero's group and she said yes. I said, "How can you be ok?" He answered, "He can't really hurt me; he can only give you the illusion of my death so you would give up on me." I thought then about how it did seem that when I looked back, his various injuries had sort of followed my attention.
"What's your name?" I asked, apparently too sleepy to remember this part is usually difficult for me, and he said, "Marcus." "Just like that?" I asked with some humor. "So... you are a guide who would work with me on RV, yes?" He nodded.
I still don't really understand the dream. Who was the bad guy with the black hypnotic eyes who didn't want him near me? It had that "three" sequence which I often get in meaningful dreams.
Well so I guess I have another guide now. At least this one's name wasn't hard to figure out.
.
(Edited 21NOV09: Marcus told me he was better with Marcan as a name. I asked why and he said he gave me Marcus because "It was familiar to you" and he wanted me to perceive it without any resistance. So... ok. I have changed the name in the blog so the labels work.)
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
ArchMed: Fear of Psi #2
This is the second meditation in that fear of psi series. I need to do more of these.
From Jul 18 2002. Archmed: Fear of Psi #2
It was late last night, but I had to go back in to work more with 'fear of psi' arch. I'd been putting it off which is only a sign it needs doing.
First I went to this house I have over past a canyon in my sacred space. I put some energy into its reality as a thoughtform. Just as I was about to turn to the door, I SAW a guide.
SAW him! Visually! Totally clear! For the first time in my whole life! I have 'felt' guides. Once in awhile I can hear like words if they say them quick. I block them - I feel the block - drives me nuts but that's the way it was. I held onto the visual while I said over and over in my head, oh my god! I can see him! I can really SEE him! Oh my god!
I finally said TO him, "I - I can SEE you!! How come I can see you?!" And he said, "Because you are ready for me." I lost the meaning of this because then I was going, "Oh my god! I can HEAR you too!" LOL. I have the attention span of my 5 year old...
Well after a bit, I decided I needed to get to it (the med). He was cleaned off and out and through but nowhere near being a good relationship. So I got myself TO him finally which was a huge effort of will. And I reached for him and put my hands on him and held him close in front of me though he clearly didn't want to be there.
Suddenly I had this huge fear, "My fish! I forgot to feed my fish! They will die! Oh, NO!" -- and I said, "Knock it off! I will not let go of you." I refocused on him.
Suddenly I felt this surge of fear and actual pain in my stomach and thought, "My servers! I forgot to send the money for my servers! This is terrible! Oh, NO!" -- and I said, "I will not let go of you!" and tightened my grip.
I went through about 12 things like this! One by one, every possible thing, every fear, came up in my gut like a hard kick, like I had to let go and focus on something else, but I refused.
Somewhere in there I had this insight that somehow... a lot of "little fears" in my life actually stem from HIM. From the fear of psi. I am not real clear on how. I'm constantly redirecting it into other things in life.
Then fleas were biting me. Then I had terrible itches. Then I had major stomach/pelvic abreactions. My mind tried to go elsewhere. This finally pissed me off to the point that I sat up and forward with my eyes wide opened and just locked the visualization in an overlay over the room around me, so I would not be so easily led away mentally as I am with eyes closed, and every time something bothered me I just dealt with it and then re-affirmed, holding him close, "I am not afraid of you! I will not let go of you!"
Then I said, "Give up. I am not letting go. I will work through you, I will integrate you, I will NOT be afraid."
And for the first time -- archs I fear, I almost never see clearly -- his face came into visual (more concept than vision? ). His eyes looked into mine, and changed radically into these large, orange, vertical-pupil'd cat eyes, the kind the cat-eyed lizard guys have, the hard-core telepath reptilians that seem to think this planet is their property, I knew them way back. I stomped on the fear and held steady and said, "You are alien. You are AN alien... I know that *I* am alien. This doesn't scare me! I will not be afraid of psi! I am not afraid of being alien! I am not afraid!"
Then his mouth came into sense, and this long, snaky forked tongue came out and waved around in my face and I said, "I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU! You are reptilian! -- You are the "ancient brain" -- I know that! I am a reptile, so FINE! -- I am not afraid! I will BE whatever I am -- I AM!"
Then his mouth opened up, and I saw stars and galaxies inside, and it kept opening impossibly huge, as if there was this impossibly vast universe of infinity inside him and I would be infinitely insignificant and utterly lost, and I dug in my heels and held him tighter and yelled in my head, "I am not afraid! I have died in that universe - I have been more dead than this body can dream - I have been dissolved at the ego-core -- I AM! My consciousness will NOT die, nothing dies, it can only change, and I'm willing! I will change! I am all things! I am that universe! You cannot scare me!"
This went on... I don't remember everything about each stage, but it was SOOOO drawn out and dramatic! I refused to be scared by anything, or more accurately, I should say I just dealt with the fear and refused to give into it because it all DID spark me... I insisted on accepting everything as something I was willing to integrate, and I held onto his shoulders and would not let him get away.
I turned to my inner guide (the one with me for such meds) and said, "I need help! What am I supposed to DO with him?! I need some process that will help integrate us, but I don't know what to do!" And I continued fighting to hold on and focus on the arch. I finally had an idea but it was different than normal. Usually in these meds, you do something that affects the archetype. You fix it, change it, heal it, whatever.
The idea was something that actually affected ME as much as the archetype (first time I've had that), a sort of tube of light rings we stood in, and piece by piece starting at the head, it dissolved each of us into the finest particles, then 'cleaned out' the 'space between them', and then merged them into a single body in the middle. Until we were done, and I was it.
And I looked down at my hands, and they almost seemed to grow into long-finger claw-like hands, and I remembered this symbology from when I was 19 and these entities were hanging out in my room, I was a total skeptic but talked to them since they were there and it seemed rather pointless to argue that obvious fact (!?), and my preacher tried to convince me it was 'spiritual warfare', until finally one of them in exasperation at my insisting they were some kind of evil gave me that imagery and freaked me out and I told them to leave and never come back (and my psi of that time in my life went with them, by the way, I hadn't realized that until this med; it came back like a cycle years later).
I looked at my hand and went ahead and further imagined it in that claw form and said to myself inside, as I was now him too, "I. Am. Not. Afraid.!"
It took me like 5 cycles of the TMI focus12 CD to do this and I finally had to turn it off entirely -- it was that hard to stay focused and get TO it.
And to think, when I began this 'fear of psi' as an archetype meditation idea, I thought it'd be a little thing I would just cover 'in case' it related to my seeming self-blocked from awareness.
OK. So I'm an alien ancient-brain reptilian in the insignificance of infinity.
It's just another day.
PJ
From Jul 18 2002. Archmed: Fear of Psi #2
It was late last night, but I had to go back in to work more with 'fear of psi' arch. I'd been putting it off which is only a sign it needs doing.
First I went to this house I have over past a canyon in my sacred space. I put some energy into its reality as a thoughtform. Just as I was about to turn to the door, I SAW a guide.
SAW him! Visually! Totally clear! For the first time in my whole life! I have 'felt' guides. Once in awhile I can hear like words if they say them quick. I block them - I feel the block - drives me nuts but that's the way it was. I held onto the visual while I said over and over in my head, oh my god! I can see him! I can really SEE him! Oh my god!
I finally said TO him, "I - I can SEE you!! How come I can see you?!" And he said, "Because you are ready for me." I lost the meaning of this because then I was going, "Oh my god! I can HEAR you too!" LOL. I have the attention span of my 5 year old...
Well after a bit, I decided I needed to get to it (the med). He was cleaned off and out and through but nowhere near being a good relationship. So I got myself TO him finally which was a huge effort of will. And I reached for him and put my hands on him and held him close in front of me though he clearly didn't want to be there.
Suddenly I had this huge fear, "My fish! I forgot to feed my fish! They will die! Oh, NO!" -- and I said, "Knock it off! I will not let go of you." I refocused on him.
Suddenly I felt this surge of fear and actual pain in my stomach and thought, "My servers! I forgot to send the money for my servers! This is terrible! Oh, NO!" -- and I said, "I will not let go of you!" and tightened my grip.
I went through about 12 things like this! One by one, every possible thing, every fear, came up in my gut like a hard kick, like I had to let go and focus on something else, but I refused.
Somewhere in there I had this insight that somehow... a lot of "little fears" in my life actually stem from HIM. From the fear of psi. I am not real clear on how. I'm constantly redirecting it into other things in life.
Then fleas were biting me. Then I had terrible itches. Then I had major stomach/pelvic abreactions. My mind tried to go elsewhere. This finally pissed me off to the point that I sat up and forward with my eyes wide opened and just locked the visualization in an overlay over the room around me, so I would not be so easily led away mentally as I am with eyes closed, and every time something bothered me I just dealt with it and then re-affirmed, holding him close, "I am not afraid of you! I will not let go of you!"
Then I said, "Give up. I am not letting go. I will work through you, I will integrate you, I will NOT be afraid."
And for the first time -- archs I fear, I almost never see clearly -- his face came into visual (more concept than vision? ). His eyes looked into mine, and changed radically into these large, orange, vertical-pupil'd cat eyes, the kind the cat-eyed lizard guys have, the hard-core telepath reptilians that seem to think this planet is their property, I knew them way back. I stomped on the fear and held steady and said, "You are alien. You are AN alien... I know that *I* am alien. This doesn't scare me! I will not be afraid of psi! I am not afraid of being alien! I am not afraid!"
Then his mouth came into sense, and this long, snaky forked tongue came out and waved around in my face and I said, "I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU! You are reptilian! -- You are the "ancient brain" -- I know that! I am a reptile, so FINE! -- I am not afraid! I will BE whatever I am -- I AM!"
Then his mouth opened up, and I saw stars and galaxies inside, and it kept opening impossibly huge, as if there was this impossibly vast universe of infinity inside him and I would be infinitely insignificant and utterly lost, and I dug in my heels and held him tighter and yelled in my head, "I am not afraid! I have died in that universe - I have been more dead than this body can dream - I have been dissolved at the ego-core -- I AM! My consciousness will NOT die, nothing dies, it can only change, and I'm willing! I will change! I am all things! I am that universe! You cannot scare me!"
This went on... I don't remember everything about each stage, but it was SOOOO drawn out and dramatic! I refused to be scared by anything, or more accurately, I should say I just dealt with the fear and refused to give into it because it all DID spark me... I insisted on accepting everything as something I was willing to integrate, and I held onto his shoulders and would not let him get away.
I turned to my inner guide (the one with me for such meds) and said, "I need help! What am I supposed to DO with him?! I need some process that will help integrate us, but I don't know what to do!" And I continued fighting to hold on and focus on the arch. I finally had an idea but it was different than normal. Usually in these meds, you do something that affects the archetype. You fix it, change it, heal it, whatever.
The idea was something that actually affected ME as much as the archetype (first time I've had that), a sort of tube of light rings we stood in, and piece by piece starting at the head, it dissolved each of us into the finest particles, then 'cleaned out' the 'space between them', and then merged them into a single body in the middle. Until we were done, and I was it.
And I looked down at my hands, and they almost seemed to grow into long-finger claw-like hands, and I remembered this symbology from when I was 19 and these entities were hanging out in my room, I was a total skeptic but talked to them since they were there and it seemed rather pointless to argue that obvious fact (!?), and my preacher tried to convince me it was 'spiritual warfare', until finally one of them in exasperation at my insisting they were some kind of evil gave me that imagery and freaked me out and I told them to leave and never come back (and my psi of that time in my life went with them, by the way, I hadn't realized that until this med; it came back like a cycle years later).
I looked at my hand and went ahead and further imagined it in that claw form and said to myself inside, as I was now him too, "I. Am. Not. Afraid.!"
It took me like 5 cycles of the TMI focus12 CD to do this and I finally had to turn it off entirely -- it was that hard to stay focused and get TO it.
And to think, when I began this 'fear of psi' as an archetype meditation idea, I thought it'd be a little thing I would just cover 'in case' it related to my seeming self-blocked from awareness.
OK. So I'm an alien ancient-brain reptilian in the insignificance of infinity.
It's just another day.
PJ
ArchMed: Fear of Psi #1
Since I still haven't gotten to #3 of the Knight of Wands meditation, I thought I would post a couple 2002-era impactive archmeds that I just found the record of yesterday. I wonder why sometimes the stuff I most expect to be nothing and shrug off, turn out to be the most mind bending.
From Jul 18 2002. Archmed: Fear of Psi #1
I decided to do an archetype meditation on 'fear of psi'.
While I've never felt this is much of an issue for me, some psychologists, such as Dr. Charles T. Tart, feel that fear of psi is a culturally common thing, much moreso than we realize, so I figured, it could not hurt to give it a try. (Didn't expect much.)
I was using a hemi-sync CD, focus 12 freeflow, which I put on repeat. I first spent some time just getting in a nicely altered state. I feel much more in touch with my 'emotional body' in F12 and I tend to feel emotions and such very _physically_, so it is really good for these meds.
I asked my guide for the archetype of My Fear of Psi. I rather figured this would be a fairly quick meditation, but who knows, maybe useful in some way.
The arch was humanoid. I turned to look at him and nearly hyperventilated as I put my hands on my chest. I couldn't see him well. He was covered with the symbol of fear, a "spiders in the gooey dark" kind of concept. The fear literally gripped me. My heart beat fast. I found myself distracted by other thoughts. Every time I brought myself back and tried to focus on the arch, I started breathing fast and hard again. I could feel the fear physically in my chest, a powerful force.
I was thinking to myself, my god! Dr. Tart probably didn't realize it was THIS big a deal, sheesh! And I was really surprised because I honestly didn't think this would be any big deal for me, and yet, this arch felt like one of the few very "core" archs have with me -- very powerful.
I realized I couldn't do it alone. I reacted too physically to it. So I called in my Sun -- he is my love, my energy, he works with me in a lot of archmeds, either merging with me or just being with me, or once in awhile I have certain archs hold hands with each other or something to share energies between two concepts. I also called in 'responsibility'. This is not the right word in english, use the 'true will/dharma' meaning of it, not the surface 'obligation' meaning. That arch is humanoid but not human, sort of the ultimate warrior, a strong man with golden eyes like a tiger and quills like a porcupine that normally lie flat on his skin. I had a profound, really physical, really oddly sexual meditation with him when I was at TMI (I was ignoring the tape and doing a med instead), that was so incredible, I felt as if he were physically inside my skin and any psychic looking at me might actually see HIM instead of me. He is very powerful and I wanted him to protect me. So with the two of them there with me, I finally had the courage to face the 'fear of psi' archetype.
First things first. I'm a clean freak when it comes to archetypes. Any sign of dirt, dust, bugs, etc. is a sign that I have a problem with the arch. (Dust usually indicates it's something I have buried for a long time in myself. Dirt that it is something I have denigrated in myself. Bugs/gross stuff usually indicates it is something I have real fear about. These are fairly repetitive symbols I've learned.) So first I had to clean him off. It was so thick and icky that I had to stand way back (hyperventilating a bit still), and imagine the 'water of life' in a sort of high pressure hose like the car wash, LOL. I cleaned him from head to toe in a about 6 detailed sprays. Then I surveyed him. He was still gross. I sensed that everything - his ear canals down to his neck, his digestive system all the way through, everything, had that horrible stuff. So I had to clean him out completely on the inside, too. (Sometimes such meds are quite physiological. You gotta be as objective as a doctor about it.)
The fear in my body lessened in my chest, and seemed to 'recede' from the chest, and then could be felt between the heart and solar plexus area.
(Note: when doing such things, imagine the arch is standing on a thick grate, and the gross stuff falls into it, is liquified, and is put in the 'waste disposal system' of that world. This is important because it seems from experience that these meditations often cleanse the physiological body of the meditator (as well as perhaps the energy body, if you wanna get metaphysical about it). Literally it can flush a lot of toxins. You don't want them just in your system or it'll be like doing a cleansing diet without taking appropriate herbs or liquids to wash it out, you'll have a good med and wake up with a body-aching flu. Use that symbology and your body will dump such things in the normal body waste disposal systems.)
When that was done I surveyed him once again. I was still too afraid to get super near him frankly, but felt a little better. I decided I still sensed a strong darkness throughout him, and he needed a chakra cleansing in a big way. (For those clueless, chakras are the hypothesized 'energy vortexes' throughout the body; there are a number of 'major' ones, the number and color and some placement depends on the tradition.) So I had Sun help me and we gradually cleaned him out energetically too. Really ICKY! he was. Yuck. Anyway, so finally he was pretty clean.
The 'fear' in my body had faded further, though it still existed, and had continued moving down to my solar plexus and a little below.
I had to get fairly close to him to do the crown chakra. I was able to, but still not comfortable. When it was over, I knew there was a lot more work to do, and told him that, but I'd done what I could for the time. We traded some symbols in the body. That was that. I will have to work a lot more with him as we are nowhere near the point of a good merge.
The intriguing thing to me was that "fear of psi," which I didn't think would be any big deal with me really, turned out to be such a "core" issue and so profoundly fearful. I am still kind of amazed about that. I mean, I've been 'into' the RV field for a long time, and wouldn't suspect that I personally have 'fear' about it. Yet, these meditations are usually extremely accurate about what is inside oneself, so I have to believe it must be so.
I am hoping that over time, my working with this archetype will resolve any issues in my RV that such deep, hidden issues might be affecting.
PJ
From Jul 18 2002. Archmed: Fear of Psi #1
I decided to do an archetype meditation on 'fear of psi'.
While I've never felt this is much of an issue for me, some psychologists, such as Dr. Charles T. Tart, feel that fear of psi is a culturally common thing, much moreso than we realize, so I figured, it could not hurt to give it a try. (Didn't expect much.)
I was using a hemi-sync CD, focus 12 freeflow, which I put on repeat. I first spent some time just getting in a nicely altered state. I feel much more in touch with my 'emotional body' in F12 and I tend to feel emotions and such very _physically_, so it is really good for these meds.
I asked my guide for the archetype of My Fear of Psi. I rather figured this would be a fairly quick meditation, but who knows, maybe useful in some way.
The arch was humanoid. I turned to look at him and nearly hyperventilated as I put my hands on my chest. I couldn't see him well. He was covered with the symbol of fear, a "spiders in the gooey dark" kind of concept. The fear literally gripped me. My heart beat fast. I found myself distracted by other thoughts. Every time I brought myself back and tried to focus on the arch, I started breathing fast and hard again. I could feel the fear physically in my chest, a powerful force.
I was thinking to myself, my god! Dr. Tart probably didn't realize it was THIS big a deal, sheesh! And I was really surprised because I honestly didn't think this would be any big deal for me, and yet, this arch felt like one of the few very "core" archs have with me -- very powerful.
I realized I couldn't do it alone. I reacted too physically to it. So I called in my Sun -- he is my love, my energy, he works with me in a lot of archmeds, either merging with me or just being with me, or once in awhile I have certain archs hold hands with each other or something to share energies between two concepts. I also called in 'responsibility'. This is not the right word in english, use the 'true will/dharma' meaning of it, not the surface 'obligation' meaning. That arch is humanoid but not human, sort of the ultimate warrior, a strong man with golden eyes like a tiger and quills like a porcupine that normally lie flat on his skin. I had a profound, really physical, really oddly sexual meditation with him when I was at TMI (I was ignoring the tape and doing a med instead), that was so incredible, I felt as if he were physically inside my skin and any psychic looking at me might actually see HIM instead of me. He is very powerful and I wanted him to protect me. So with the two of them there with me, I finally had the courage to face the 'fear of psi' archetype.
First things first. I'm a clean freak when it comes to archetypes. Any sign of dirt, dust, bugs, etc. is a sign that I have a problem with the arch. (Dust usually indicates it's something I have buried for a long time in myself. Dirt that it is something I have denigrated in myself. Bugs/gross stuff usually indicates it is something I have real fear about. These are fairly repetitive symbols I've learned.) So first I had to clean him off. It was so thick and icky that I had to stand way back (hyperventilating a bit still), and imagine the 'water of life' in a sort of high pressure hose like the car wash, LOL. I cleaned him from head to toe in a about 6 detailed sprays. Then I surveyed him. He was still gross. I sensed that everything - his ear canals down to his neck, his digestive system all the way through, everything, had that horrible stuff. So I had to clean him out completely on the inside, too. (Sometimes such meds are quite physiological. You gotta be as objective as a doctor about it.)
The fear in my body lessened in my chest, and seemed to 'recede' from the chest, and then could be felt between the heart and solar plexus area.
(Note: when doing such things, imagine the arch is standing on a thick grate, and the gross stuff falls into it, is liquified, and is put in the 'waste disposal system' of that world. This is important because it seems from experience that these meditations often cleanse the physiological body of the meditator (as well as perhaps the energy body, if you wanna get metaphysical about it). Literally it can flush a lot of toxins. You don't want them just in your system or it'll be like doing a cleansing diet without taking appropriate herbs or liquids to wash it out, you'll have a good med and wake up with a body-aching flu. Use that symbology and your body will dump such things in the normal body waste disposal systems.)
When that was done I surveyed him once again. I was still too afraid to get super near him frankly, but felt a little better. I decided I still sensed a strong darkness throughout him, and he needed a chakra cleansing in a big way. (For those clueless, chakras are the hypothesized 'energy vortexes' throughout the body; there are a number of 'major' ones, the number and color and some placement depends on the tradition.) So I had Sun help me and we gradually cleaned him out energetically too. Really ICKY! he was. Yuck. Anyway, so finally he was pretty clean.
The 'fear' in my body had faded further, though it still existed, and had continued moving down to my solar plexus and a little below.
I had to get fairly close to him to do the crown chakra. I was able to, but still not comfortable. When it was over, I knew there was a lot more work to do, and told him that, but I'd done what I could for the time. We traded some symbols in the body. That was that. I will have to work a lot more with him as we are nowhere near the point of a good merge.
The intriguing thing to me was that "fear of psi," which I didn't think would be any big deal with me really, turned out to be such a "core" issue and so profoundly fearful. I am still kind of amazed about that. I mean, I've been 'into' the RV field for a long time, and wouldn't suspect that I personally have 'fear' about it. Yet, these meditations are usually extremely accurate about what is inside oneself, so I have to believe it must be so.
I am hoping that over time, my working with this archetype will resolve any issues in my RV that such deep, hidden issues might be affecting.
PJ
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