The Bad-Stuff Guides: Manual Override

As much time as I spend "in denial" it's amazing I get any blogging done at all.

A few days ago I was thinking about my reality. About the idea of creating reality, and about some of my past experiences. I was thinking that I went from athletic to gigantic because I obviously pulled some genetic-hormonal-issue into the forefront of my reality, seemingly by accident but, if nothing's an accident, then I guess by design on some level. I was thinking about why it is a person might choose to experience negative things.

It occurred to me that choosing positive things would be a good step forward, and guides could help me with that. You know, the guides I am always not wanting to talk to. I want to 'claim my own power' and have better manifestation ability, but introduce me to a guide for just that purpose and it just pisses me off because they aren't supposed to be real and I'm embarrassed about it. No dichotomy here!

Then I had this rather abrupt thought: if guides exist to help me manifest what I choose, what if I choose something BAD?

"Nero!" I yelled, as if bellowing in the psychic realm is somehow more effective than talking. My 'sense of him' appeared in front of me just slightly to the left.

"If I choose on some mostly unconscious level to experience something bad, and you're the guide that deals with that genre of energy for me, do you actually help bring about the bad thing?"

"Regrettably, yes," he admitted.

"But WHY?" I whined like my pre-teen.

"All experience is equal," he said, quoting me back at me. "If that is an experience you choose, and that you can learn from, then I would help bring it about."

I sat there thinking about that for a bit. This idea kind of struck me in a hard way. Imagine you get hired and your job is to do anything person X tells you, and you really like person X and want to help them do great things. But person X keeps getting drunk (let's say, to form some analogy to the "mostly-unconscious" state we create reality from) and starts giving you really bonehead commands like "hurt me!" and "screw this up for me!" haha, and you have to do them because that's your job. Even though it might even contradict what you were trying to accomplish in other respects. That would suck! Poor guides. I almost felt sorry for them then.

It occurred to me that one of the problems most of us have is that a great deal of our reality is being formed by parts of ourselves on some kind of 'default' setting. We have belief systems that we don't see well, don't understand, or haven't even thought to look at. We have patterns we don't yet see. It's the stuff under the radar that is the hard part. When we see and understand something about ourselves, we can proactive work on it, ASK for help on it. It's all the stuff we're oblivious to that is the issue.

The more I thought about it, the more it seemed like consciously working with your guides is basically implementing "manual override" for your reality.

It's like saying ok, I know there's lots of stuff going on under my radar here, but since I have a direct line to an aspect of me that wields a bunch of power/influence in this or that area of my reality, I should make a point to talk with them. Just like they're a client or coworker, and I am project-managing my life. If I go talk to them and say something like hey, ok I'd like to have another vehicle now, then I am specifically directing their attention and their help to that area. It's obvious I have SOME kind of issue in that area, or I would not currently be without a car, right? And this basic logic you could apply to anything in your reality that is different than you want it to be, from health to job to trivia.

Seen in that light, the idea of actually being aware of guides and not wanting to meet them and resenting them and not talking to them seemed downright retarded frankly. It seemed perfectly reasonable that this was a "manual override" opportunity that not all people are 'aware' enough to be fortunate enough to be introduced to. It's like someone handed me this great project management tool for my life but I'm over in the corner in a snit because the tool isn't something I found in a book and can write code logically about and implement in some respectable and reasonable fashion.

It would just turn out, wouldn't it, that in the end, the primary 'technology' ends up feeling a lot like praying. Another thing I've spent great time avoiding. I mean dammit, it'd just figure!

(I'm reminded of the end of the movie 'My Cousin Vinnie' where the guy realizes he didn't succeed entirely on his own, and his girlfriend said that'd just be his torture wouldn't it, that he'd just be wildly successful but every damn time he'd have to say THANK YOU to someone.)

For some reason, my "perspective" on the subject of guides seems to be changing a little. I'm getting over it -- a little. I still haven't actually talked to any of them again besides Nero briefly. But I think internally I am getting used to the idea.

Ithikah

For goddssakes. Seriously, what IS it with the 'guides' thing? How retarded does this make me sound having to blog about it?

Not like I haven't been in total denial. I nearly forgot it then I avoided blogging about it, and just realized I'd better do so before I really DO forget and there's probably some internal penalty I'd pay for doing so...

I listened to bineural stuff for quite some time. Then I decided to meditate. I wanted to meditate on the 4th of 4 of the Knight of Wands archetype... talk about overdue. I finally get to Inner Guide and IG takes my hands and I suddenly have this overwhelming idea, "Wait, wait. I shouldn't just ask for this thing I spent 20 minutes repeatedly bringing myself back to meditate on. I should ask IG if SHE has any ideas!"

I know she put this in my head. It's impossible to be mad at her though.

"Oh fine," I say with some humor. "Do you have something for me to meditate on first?" She did.

Before I even turned around I knew it was another guide, another of the (16?) group that is Nero, Taan, Bolehren, and Marcan* so far. I was kinda MAD about it. How can I avoid them if she keeps putting them in my face?? And why do I NEED to meet them, anyway? So what if I never know their name, how is it helping me? I don't really even understand all the relationship very well anyway. It's just confusing to me. So what difference does it make?

I glare at a man behind me. Unlike archetypes there is nothing wrong with him... this is usually a clue. He is about 6'5" to 7' tall, so a bit unusually tall.

"Are you an archetype?" I ask him suspiciously.

A pause. Then he says, "Yes." As he said this, into my head came a variety of visuals, like symbolic geometric shapes, as if anything he said somehow had a whole shape-based core meaning... very odd.

But I didn't believe him. Not like I think a guide would (could??) lie to me but I can't recall, in 18 years of doing archetype meditations now and then, anybody ever doing so. So he had to be for real an archetype.

I call in the Water of Love to rain down on him and clean/heal/improve/etc. him, but I have the odd feeling it's doing nothing. It's like a ghost standing in the rain... unaffected. So I go up inches from him and have it rain hard down on both of us. I really focus on the visualization and imagine I'm soaking wet and that part goes pretty well (thanks to bineural beats for awhile first!). I look up at him, and I say,

"You're SO lying. You're a guide, aren't you."

He admits it. "Yes." Into my head comes another bizarre visual, as if the meaning has shape inside me and it rolls out into something.

"Why did you say you were an archetype?" I complained.

(Into my head comes the realization, I think from IG, that all he actually had said was "yes".)

"Because if I'd said I was a guide you were going to leave immediately. I thought if you considered me an archetype you would stay around a little and work with me, and I could make some connection." (All kinds of visualizations come with this. It's so bizarre.)

(I guess if there is ever a question about whether guides can lie -- or at least mislead -- the answer is apparently yes.)

"What is your name?" I say with a weary sigh.

"Ithikah." Inside me I see a shape roll straight down then out near the bottom then back up and out near the top and it looks like a cross or t with two crosses, one about 3/5 near bottom and one 3/5 near top. That was his name. Like the symbol that 'meant' his name, and the word 'Ithikah' (spelled it as I 'felt' right) was a much shallower 'version' of that shape.

Later I googled it. Ithikah doesn't exist, apparently, but Ithica is a city in New York, the original name being a place in Greece.

Ithikah and Nero? -- greek and roman? -- what is this? I have ZERO interest in greek stuff or roman stuff. And that dream recently, about the archeology site, which actually tied into a dream I had a few years ago of living at that site -- that feels like something from the greco-roman era. This reminds me of how when I had zero interest in Egyptian stuff I had all kinds of symbolism from it. Well now I have zero interest in Greek or Roman stuff yet my guides sure seem to be in that mold. Isn't 'Marcus'* some kind of Roman name too?

And why would it make sense that a 'guide' was from anywhere, anyway? If the whole point is that we are many people, then why would a... geez, what ARE guides? Spirits? Entities? Just aspects-of-self? Fragments of your oversoul? I have no idea. But why would they need to be any given one of those identities? And again, why do I need to know? Name one useful thing that "meeting" my guides is doing for me, besides making me sound even stupider and crazier to people who read my blog.

I did ask him what he did with me. I didn't really hear/get what he said. I thought he said, "public perception", but there were all these shapes rolling out in my head every time he spoke and I got distracted. When I refocused on him I said, "No, I'm pretty sure Bolehren does that or something like it she said. Can't imagine why I need two guides for it; can't even imagine why I need one frankly. He tried to say something else to me, I could feel he was trying to explain, but I couldn't hear him. I realized I was irked about meeting yet another of the group and closing him off.

I wish I could explain why this bothers me so. It just BUGS me! I feel intellectually like I should be fascinated and spending lots of time meditating and getting to know them and golly isn't that groovy but instead I just feel frustrated and exasperated and like I don't want to DEAL with it at all. Like it just completely trods on some boundary issue for me, pushes my buttons, and it makes me kinda mad -- not angry but some emotion close to that (maybe internal panic lol) -- every time I deal with it. It's like it's a belief system I don't have yet. I don't really BELIEVE in guides yet. I still think people talking about it sounds like grapenuts (fruits, nuts and flakes). Yet there it is dammit, like standing in the middle of my reality, and it's not going away! I have the clear feeling that IG is trying to force a change in my belief system, and I know it's for my own good, but that doesn't make it any easier.

I was irked about all of it. I closed the meditation. I went to see IG and I started to tell her about how it pissed me off that she keeps springing some new extension-of-self-guide on me. But before I can rant at her, this huge understanding comes into my mind of how much she loves me and how she is very wise and she is doing what needs doing and it is, in fact, exactly what I want, if only I were clearer with myself, with my higher self, so I understood it is really what I want.

(This reminds me of a time circa 1994 when I was on my knees literally shouting at God, seriously pissed off about something I can't even remember, something my reality was forcing on me and I DID NOT WANT dammit, when I had this understanding hit me that in fact it was exactly, profoundly, what I wanted, and only my stubborn shallow perception was keeping me from seeing that.)

I realize that she has 'given' me this perception. How can I be mad at her. She's awesome. I love her so and she's so great for me no matter how much I gripe about her. So I just end it.

I kinda tried to forget about it. Then talking to my boyfriend on the phone I remembered suddenly. I tried to forget it after that when I realized I needed to blog it. Sigh.

Both Nero and IG told me that at least once a day I should imagine that I am holding the hands of each guide and that we are freely exchanging energy.

I don't really know why. The vague impression I got was that the more I was connected with them consciously, the more of their power I had available to me and the more they could actively help and cause change in my life. It sounds good on paper. But I still don't really understand clearly how this help would come about.

I told my BF that I just wanted my spiritual life to make sense.

"Not bloody likely," he said dryly. I suppose he's right.

PJ

P.S. I didn't even realize yesterday (today for me) was the 22nd. I had decided last Nov. that Jan 22, 2009 was a big power number -- 1, 11 and 22. I was hoping to build and open a group on that date but my computer down for a month put that out of the plan. I didn't even use the date today at work oddly but still don't know how I missed it. Anyway, I wonder if meeting Ithikah on this date has any significance, or if it's just another sneaky opportunity for IG to get one in.

PPS> Marcus later said 'Marcan' was better.

Knight of Wands, part 5 (3/4)

I did this a couple weeks ago and didn't blog it, so predictably I've forgotten most of it.

In the fourth Knight of Wands meditation I was given 4 archetypes to work with and this was on the third of them.

My impression was of an oversized and bulbuous skull, as if I were seeing a skeleton sort of, on a very large and bulky man. He had way too much bone everywhere, like 3x as much as a human is supposed to need. It took me several meditation attempts to connect properly with him and work with him. I ended up doing a lot of visualization, 'water/light/chemical of love' cleansing, and he was only somewhat affected. I had the sudden idea to do a 'sandstorm' which did well at wearing his external until a great deal of it was gone and he was a relatively normal looking person. But he still had more bone than is normal. Maybe that's a symbol in itself.

We merged but I didn't feel anything. We did work a lot. IG seemed to think it was fine, but I felt like some stronger sense 'ought' to come of it, which was frustrating. I hate that! I went back and did a little more with him but still nothing.

As he did not 'change all the way' to normal in some fashion I felt like maybe I wasn't succeeding, but he suggested, 'Maybe that is the way I choose to be.' I had a sense then that just because something is not ideal in my opinion doesn't mean it is bad. I had the sense that the heavy thick bone he had was like a result of my childhood somehow, and so you might say, it was a little heavier than it should be, but it was also stronger, more powerful, and maybe he chose to keep that power/strength rather than be what I call normal or better looking.

I had to think about that for awhile, that maybe it related to my weight -- since this archetype was assigned by IG after a meditation about my weight and pointedly to work through before I got to the next ones on that topic. Like maybe I should interpret it in that context.

As an aside, bone represents 'character' in Biogram. And some related things. It's "foundational".

Well, not real exciting but that's the way it was. Wish I'd blogged it when I should have. One more to go!