Yesterday when napping I had such an 'astral-ish' dream. The sort where you can totally feel your energy body moving around. It vaguely related to remote viewing but I didn't remember much detail. Only that I was lying on a trampoline and gently throwing myself (impossibly) up into the air and then sinking low and rebounding.
Last night I was dreaming and again, I was focused on remote viewing. Not a surprise as I've been working on a human target pool yesterday and today. A man showed up to help me who seemed normal and friendly, we were going to be working on my RV, and I was just feeling enthusiastic when another man showed up very suddenly and pulled me away from him, forward in space but somehow in time as well.
The man who had arrived had a 'fascination' element for me; his eyes were black and hypnotic. In the back of my head, I was concerned about the nice guy, but couldn't seem to think very clearly about it anymore.
We were continuing on this journey, and the first man showed up behind us to join me. He seemed to think that it was his place to be with me related to RV. The second man with 'the eyes' grabbed him and threw him some impossible distance away. I looked back, stricken, worried that he would be harmed, and it seemed he had crumbled in a heap in the distance. But then the new guy's eyes distracted me and we continued on.
The nice guy showed up behind us a second time, refusing to leave me alone with the other. The other guy then grabbed him and somehow threw him into an oncoming speeding car that tumbled over until when I looked again, somehow he was stretched out like a cartoon around the end of a truck, obviously dead. I was getting more concerned now but again the eyes distracted me and we walked on.
A third time, the man showed up beside me, and the guy next to me threw him back on the ground, and the man with me shot him in the head three times. I looked in some horror at all the blood spreading on the ground behind us, and feeling some odd sense of grief I let the man pull me forward and away.
I suddenly woke up, and the dark-eyed man couldn't hold me asleep as I felt he tried to; he was gone to me when I awoke. But I could sense the other man in the dream though--the nice guy who had come to get me three times--as if he were right there with me while I was awake--something I've only felt Nero do before.
I said to him, "Damn, what a dream. Are you real? Are you one of my Guides?" He said yes. I brought us to Inner Guide and asked her if he was in Nero's group and she said yes. I said, "How can you be ok?" He answered, "He can't really hurt me; he can only give you the illusion of my death so you would give up on me." I thought then about how it did seem that when I looked back, his various injuries had sort of followed my attention.
"What's your name?" I asked, apparently too sleepy to remember this part is usually difficult for me, and he said, "Marcus." "Just like that?" I asked with some humor. "So... you are a guide who would work with me on RV, yes?" He nodded.
I still don't really understand the dream. Who was the bad guy with the black hypnotic eyes who didn't want him near me? It had that "three" sequence which I often get in meaningful dreams.
Well so I guess I have another guide now. At least this one's name wasn't hard to figure out.
.
(Edited 21NOV09: Marcus told me he was better with Marcan as a name. I asked why and he said he gave me Marcus because "It was familiar to you" and he wanted me to perceive it without any resistance. So... ok. I have changed the name in the blog so the labels work.)
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
ArchMed: Fear of Psi #2
This is the second meditation in that fear of psi series. I need to do more of these.
From Jul 18 2002. Archmed: Fear of Psi #2
It was late last night, but I had to go back in to work more with 'fear of psi' arch. I'd been putting it off which is only a sign it needs doing.
First I went to this house I have over past a canyon in my sacred space. I put some energy into its reality as a thoughtform. Just as I was about to turn to the door, I SAW a guide.
SAW him! Visually! Totally clear! For the first time in my whole life! I have 'felt' guides. Once in awhile I can hear like words if they say them quick. I block them - I feel the block - drives me nuts but that's the way it was. I held onto the visual while I said over and over in my head, oh my god! I can see him! I can really SEE him! Oh my god!
I finally said TO him, "I - I can SEE you!! How come I can see you?!" And he said, "Because you are ready for me." I lost the meaning of this because then I was going, "Oh my god! I can HEAR you too!" LOL. I have the attention span of my 5 year old...
Well after a bit, I decided I needed to get to it (the med). He was cleaned off and out and through but nowhere near being a good relationship. So I got myself TO him finally which was a huge effort of will. And I reached for him and put my hands on him and held him close in front of me though he clearly didn't want to be there.
Suddenly I had this huge fear, "My fish! I forgot to feed my fish! They will die! Oh, NO!" -- and I said, "Knock it off! I will not let go of you." I refocused on him.
Suddenly I felt this surge of fear and actual pain in my stomach and thought, "My servers! I forgot to send the money for my servers! This is terrible! Oh, NO!" -- and I said, "I will not let go of you!" and tightened my grip.
I went through about 12 things like this! One by one, every possible thing, every fear, came up in my gut like a hard kick, like I had to let go and focus on something else, but I refused.
Somewhere in there I had this insight that somehow... a lot of "little fears" in my life actually stem from HIM. From the fear of psi. I am not real clear on how. I'm constantly redirecting it into other things in life.
Then fleas were biting me. Then I had terrible itches. Then I had major stomach/pelvic abreactions. My mind tried to go elsewhere. This finally pissed me off to the point that I sat up and forward with my eyes wide opened and just locked the visualization in an overlay over the room around me, so I would not be so easily led away mentally as I am with eyes closed, and every time something bothered me I just dealt with it and then re-affirmed, holding him close, "I am not afraid of you! I will not let go of you!"
Then I said, "Give up. I am not letting go. I will work through you, I will integrate you, I will NOT be afraid."
And for the first time -- archs I fear, I almost never see clearly -- his face came into visual (more concept than vision? ). His eyes looked into mine, and changed radically into these large, orange, vertical-pupil'd cat eyes, the kind the cat-eyed lizard guys have, the hard-core telepath reptilians that seem to think this planet is their property, I knew them way back. I stomped on the fear and held steady and said, "You are alien. You are AN alien... I know that *I* am alien. This doesn't scare me! I will not be afraid of psi! I am not afraid of being alien! I am not afraid!"
Then his mouth came into sense, and this long, snaky forked tongue came out and waved around in my face and I said, "I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU! You are reptilian! -- You are the "ancient brain" -- I know that! I am a reptile, so FINE! -- I am not afraid! I will BE whatever I am -- I AM!"
Then his mouth opened up, and I saw stars and galaxies inside, and it kept opening impossibly huge, as if there was this impossibly vast universe of infinity inside him and I would be infinitely insignificant and utterly lost, and I dug in my heels and held him tighter and yelled in my head, "I am not afraid! I have died in that universe - I have been more dead than this body can dream - I have been dissolved at the ego-core -- I AM! My consciousness will NOT die, nothing dies, it can only change, and I'm willing! I will change! I am all things! I am that universe! You cannot scare me!"
This went on... I don't remember everything about each stage, but it was SOOOO drawn out and dramatic! I refused to be scared by anything, or more accurately, I should say I just dealt with the fear and refused to give into it because it all DID spark me... I insisted on accepting everything as something I was willing to integrate, and I held onto his shoulders and would not let him get away.
I turned to my inner guide (the one with me for such meds) and said, "I need help! What am I supposed to DO with him?! I need some process that will help integrate us, but I don't know what to do!" And I continued fighting to hold on and focus on the arch. I finally had an idea but it was different than normal. Usually in these meds, you do something that affects the archetype. You fix it, change it, heal it, whatever.
The idea was something that actually affected ME as much as the archetype (first time I've had that), a sort of tube of light rings we stood in, and piece by piece starting at the head, it dissolved each of us into the finest particles, then 'cleaned out' the 'space between them', and then merged them into a single body in the middle. Until we were done, and I was it.
And I looked down at my hands, and they almost seemed to grow into long-finger claw-like hands, and I remembered this symbology from when I was 19 and these entities were hanging out in my room, I was a total skeptic but talked to them since they were there and it seemed rather pointless to argue that obvious fact (!?), and my preacher tried to convince me it was 'spiritual warfare', until finally one of them in exasperation at my insisting they were some kind of evil gave me that imagery and freaked me out and I told them to leave and never come back (and my psi of that time in my life went with them, by the way, I hadn't realized that until this med; it came back like a cycle years later).
I looked at my hand and went ahead and further imagined it in that claw form and said to myself inside, as I was now him too, "I. Am. Not. Afraid.!"
It took me like 5 cycles of the TMI focus12 CD to do this and I finally had to turn it off entirely -- it was that hard to stay focused and get TO it.
And to think, when I began this 'fear of psi' as an archetype meditation idea, I thought it'd be a little thing I would just cover 'in case' it related to my seeming self-blocked from awareness.
OK. So I'm an alien ancient-brain reptilian in the insignificance of infinity.
It's just another day.
PJ
From Jul 18 2002. Archmed: Fear of Psi #2
It was late last night, but I had to go back in to work more with 'fear of psi' arch. I'd been putting it off which is only a sign it needs doing.
First I went to this house I have over past a canyon in my sacred space. I put some energy into its reality as a thoughtform. Just as I was about to turn to the door, I SAW a guide.
SAW him! Visually! Totally clear! For the first time in my whole life! I have 'felt' guides. Once in awhile I can hear like words if they say them quick. I block them - I feel the block - drives me nuts but that's the way it was. I held onto the visual while I said over and over in my head, oh my god! I can see him! I can really SEE him! Oh my god!
I finally said TO him, "I - I can SEE you!! How come I can see you?!" And he said, "Because you are ready for me." I lost the meaning of this because then I was going, "Oh my god! I can HEAR you too!" LOL. I have the attention span of my 5 year old...
Well after a bit, I decided I needed to get to it (the med). He was cleaned off and out and through but nowhere near being a good relationship. So I got myself TO him finally which was a huge effort of will. And I reached for him and put my hands on him and held him close in front of me though he clearly didn't want to be there.
Suddenly I had this huge fear, "My fish! I forgot to feed my fish! They will die! Oh, NO!" -- and I said, "Knock it off! I will not let go of you." I refocused on him.
Suddenly I felt this surge of fear and actual pain in my stomach and thought, "My servers! I forgot to send the money for my servers! This is terrible! Oh, NO!" -- and I said, "I will not let go of you!" and tightened my grip.
I went through about 12 things like this! One by one, every possible thing, every fear, came up in my gut like a hard kick, like I had to let go and focus on something else, but I refused.
Somewhere in there I had this insight that somehow... a lot of "little fears" in my life actually stem from HIM. From the fear of psi. I am not real clear on how. I'm constantly redirecting it into other things in life.
Then fleas were biting me. Then I had terrible itches. Then I had major stomach/pelvic abreactions. My mind tried to go elsewhere. This finally pissed me off to the point that I sat up and forward with my eyes wide opened and just locked the visualization in an overlay over the room around me, so I would not be so easily led away mentally as I am with eyes closed, and every time something bothered me I just dealt with it and then re-affirmed, holding him close, "I am not afraid of you! I will not let go of you!"
Then I said, "Give up. I am not letting go. I will work through you, I will integrate you, I will NOT be afraid."
And for the first time -- archs I fear, I almost never see clearly -- his face came into visual (more concept than vision? ). His eyes looked into mine, and changed radically into these large, orange, vertical-pupil'd cat eyes, the kind the cat-eyed lizard guys have, the hard-core telepath reptilians that seem to think this planet is their property, I knew them way back. I stomped on the fear and held steady and said, "You are alien. You are AN alien... I know that *I* am alien. This doesn't scare me! I will not be afraid of psi! I am not afraid of being alien! I am not afraid!"
Then his mouth came into sense, and this long, snaky forked tongue came out and waved around in my face and I said, "I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU! You are reptilian! -- You are the "ancient brain" -- I know that! I am a reptile, so FINE! -- I am not afraid! I will BE whatever I am -- I AM!"
Then his mouth opened up, and I saw stars and galaxies inside, and it kept opening impossibly huge, as if there was this impossibly vast universe of infinity inside him and I would be infinitely insignificant and utterly lost, and I dug in my heels and held him tighter and yelled in my head, "I am not afraid! I have died in that universe - I have been more dead than this body can dream - I have been dissolved at the ego-core -- I AM! My consciousness will NOT die, nothing dies, it can only change, and I'm willing! I will change! I am all things! I am that universe! You cannot scare me!"
This went on... I don't remember everything about each stage, but it was SOOOO drawn out and dramatic! I refused to be scared by anything, or more accurately, I should say I just dealt with the fear and refused to give into it because it all DID spark me... I insisted on accepting everything as something I was willing to integrate, and I held onto his shoulders and would not let him get away.
I turned to my inner guide (the one with me for such meds) and said, "I need help! What am I supposed to DO with him?! I need some process that will help integrate us, but I don't know what to do!" And I continued fighting to hold on and focus on the arch. I finally had an idea but it was different than normal. Usually in these meds, you do something that affects the archetype. You fix it, change it, heal it, whatever.
The idea was something that actually affected ME as much as the archetype (first time I've had that), a sort of tube of light rings we stood in, and piece by piece starting at the head, it dissolved each of us into the finest particles, then 'cleaned out' the 'space between them', and then merged them into a single body in the middle. Until we were done, and I was it.
And I looked down at my hands, and they almost seemed to grow into long-finger claw-like hands, and I remembered this symbology from when I was 19 and these entities were hanging out in my room, I was a total skeptic but talked to them since they were there and it seemed rather pointless to argue that obvious fact (!?), and my preacher tried to convince me it was 'spiritual warfare', until finally one of them in exasperation at my insisting they were some kind of evil gave me that imagery and freaked me out and I told them to leave and never come back (and my psi of that time in my life went with them, by the way, I hadn't realized that until this med; it came back like a cycle years later).
I looked at my hand and went ahead and further imagined it in that claw form and said to myself inside, as I was now him too, "I. Am. Not. Afraid.!"
It took me like 5 cycles of the TMI focus12 CD to do this and I finally had to turn it off entirely -- it was that hard to stay focused and get TO it.
And to think, when I began this 'fear of psi' as an archetype meditation idea, I thought it'd be a little thing I would just cover 'in case' it related to my seeming self-blocked from awareness.
OK. So I'm an alien ancient-brain reptilian in the insignificance of infinity.
It's just another day.
PJ
ArchMed: Fear of Psi #1
Since I still haven't gotten to #3 of the Knight of Wands meditation, I thought I would post a couple 2002-era impactive archmeds that I just found the record of yesterday. I wonder why sometimes the stuff I most expect to be nothing and shrug off, turn out to be the most mind bending.
From Jul 18 2002. Archmed: Fear of Psi #1
I decided to do an archetype meditation on 'fear of psi'.
While I've never felt this is much of an issue for me, some psychologists, such as Dr. Charles T. Tart, feel that fear of psi is a culturally common thing, much moreso than we realize, so I figured, it could not hurt to give it a try. (Didn't expect much.)
I was using a hemi-sync CD, focus 12 freeflow, which I put on repeat. I first spent some time just getting in a nicely altered state. I feel much more in touch with my 'emotional body' in F12 and I tend to feel emotions and such very _physically_, so it is really good for these meds.
I asked my guide for the archetype of My Fear of Psi. I rather figured this would be a fairly quick meditation, but who knows, maybe useful in some way.
The arch was humanoid. I turned to look at him and nearly hyperventilated as I put my hands on my chest. I couldn't see him well. He was covered with the symbol of fear, a "spiders in the gooey dark" kind of concept. The fear literally gripped me. My heart beat fast. I found myself distracted by other thoughts. Every time I brought myself back and tried to focus on the arch, I started breathing fast and hard again. I could feel the fear physically in my chest, a powerful force.
I was thinking to myself, my god! Dr. Tart probably didn't realize it was THIS big a deal, sheesh! And I was really surprised because I honestly didn't think this would be any big deal for me, and yet, this arch felt like one of the few very "core" archs have with me -- very powerful.
I realized I couldn't do it alone. I reacted too physically to it. So I called in my Sun -- he is my love, my energy, he works with me in a lot of archmeds, either merging with me or just being with me, or once in awhile I have certain archs hold hands with each other or something to share energies between two concepts. I also called in 'responsibility'. This is not the right word in english, use the 'true will/dharma' meaning of it, not the surface 'obligation' meaning. That arch is humanoid but not human, sort of the ultimate warrior, a strong man with golden eyes like a tiger and quills like a porcupine that normally lie flat on his skin. I had a profound, really physical, really oddly sexual meditation with him when I was at TMI (I was ignoring the tape and doing a med instead), that was so incredible, I felt as if he were physically inside my skin and any psychic looking at me might actually see HIM instead of me. He is very powerful and I wanted him to protect me. So with the two of them there with me, I finally had the courage to face the 'fear of psi' archetype.
First things first. I'm a clean freak when it comes to archetypes. Any sign of dirt, dust, bugs, etc. is a sign that I have a problem with the arch. (Dust usually indicates it's something I have buried for a long time in myself. Dirt that it is something I have denigrated in myself. Bugs/gross stuff usually indicates it is something I have real fear about. These are fairly repetitive symbols I've learned.) So first I had to clean him off. It was so thick and icky that I had to stand way back (hyperventilating a bit still), and imagine the 'water of life' in a sort of high pressure hose like the car wash, LOL. I cleaned him from head to toe in a about 6 detailed sprays. Then I surveyed him. He was still gross. I sensed that everything - his ear canals down to his neck, his digestive system all the way through, everything, had that horrible stuff. So I had to clean him out completely on the inside, too. (Sometimes such meds are quite physiological. You gotta be as objective as a doctor about it.)
The fear in my body lessened in my chest, and seemed to 'recede' from the chest, and then could be felt between the heart and solar plexus area.
(Note: when doing such things, imagine the arch is standing on a thick grate, and the gross stuff falls into it, is liquified, and is put in the 'waste disposal system' of that world. This is important because it seems from experience that these meditations often cleanse the physiological body of the meditator (as well as perhaps the energy body, if you wanna get metaphysical about it). Literally it can flush a lot of toxins. You don't want them just in your system or it'll be like doing a cleansing diet without taking appropriate herbs or liquids to wash it out, you'll have a good med and wake up with a body-aching flu. Use that symbology and your body will dump such things in the normal body waste disposal systems.)
When that was done I surveyed him once again. I was still too afraid to get super near him frankly, but felt a little better. I decided I still sensed a strong darkness throughout him, and he needed a chakra cleansing in a big way. (For those clueless, chakras are the hypothesized 'energy vortexes' throughout the body; there are a number of 'major' ones, the number and color and some placement depends on the tradition.) So I had Sun help me and we gradually cleaned him out energetically too. Really ICKY! he was. Yuck. Anyway, so finally he was pretty clean.
The 'fear' in my body had faded further, though it still existed, and had continued moving down to my solar plexus and a little below.
I had to get fairly close to him to do the crown chakra. I was able to, but still not comfortable. When it was over, I knew there was a lot more work to do, and told him that, but I'd done what I could for the time. We traded some symbols in the body. That was that. I will have to work a lot more with him as we are nowhere near the point of a good merge.
The intriguing thing to me was that "fear of psi," which I didn't think would be any big deal with me really, turned out to be such a "core" issue and so profoundly fearful. I am still kind of amazed about that. I mean, I've been 'into' the RV field for a long time, and wouldn't suspect that I personally have 'fear' about it. Yet, these meditations are usually extremely accurate about what is inside oneself, so I have to believe it must be so.
I am hoping that over time, my working with this archetype will resolve any issues in my RV that such deep, hidden issues might be affecting.
PJ
From Jul 18 2002. Archmed: Fear of Psi #1
I decided to do an archetype meditation on 'fear of psi'.
While I've never felt this is much of an issue for me, some psychologists, such as Dr. Charles T. Tart, feel that fear of psi is a culturally common thing, much moreso than we realize, so I figured, it could not hurt to give it a try. (Didn't expect much.)
I was using a hemi-sync CD, focus 12 freeflow, which I put on repeat. I first spent some time just getting in a nicely altered state. I feel much more in touch with my 'emotional body' in F12 and I tend to feel emotions and such very _physically_, so it is really good for these meds.
I asked my guide for the archetype of My Fear of Psi. I rather figured this would be a fairly quick meditation, but who knows, maybe useful in some way.
The arch was humanoid. I turned to look at him and nearly hyperventilated as I put my hands on my chest. I couldn't see him well. He was covered with the symbol of fear, a "spiders in the gooey dark" kind of concept. The fear literally gripped me. My heart beat fast. I found myself distracted by other thoughts. Every time I brought myself back and tried to focus on the arch, I started breathing fast and hard again. I could feel the fear physically in my chest, a powerful force.
I was thinking to myself, my god! Dr. Tart probably didn't realize it was THIS big a deal, sheesh! And I was really surprised because I honestly didn't think this would be any big deal for me, and yet, this arch felt like one of the few very "core" archs have with me -- very powerful.
I realized I couldn't do it alone. I reacted too physically to it. So I called in my Sun -- he is my love, my energy, he works with me in a lot of archmeds, either merging with me or just being with me, or once in awhile I have certain archs hold hands with each other or something to share energies between two concepts. I also called in 'responsibility'. This is not the right word in english, use the 'true will/dharma' meaning of it, not the surface 'obligation' meaning. That arch is humanoid but not human, sort of the ultimate warrior, a strong man with golden eyes like a tiger and quills like a porcupine that normally lie flat on his skin. I had a profound, really physical, really oddly sexual meditation with him when I was at TMI (I was ignoring the tape and doing a med instead), that was so incredible, I felt as if he were physically inside my skin and any psychic looking at me might actually see HIM instead of me. He is very powerful and I wanted him to protect me. So with the two of them there with me, I finally had the courage to face the 'fear of psi' archetype.
First things first. I'm a clean freak when it comes to archetypes. Any sign of dirt, dust, bugs, etc. is a sign that I have a problem with the arch. (Dust usually indicates it's something I have buried for a long time in myself. Dirt that it is something I have denigrated in myself. Bugs/gross stuff usually indicates it is something I have real fear about. These are fairly repetitive symbols I've learned.) So first I had to clean him off. It was so thick and icky that I had to stand way back (hyperventilating a bit still), and imagine the 'water of life' in a sort of high pressure hose like the car wash, LOL. I cleaned him from head to toe in a about 6 detailed sprays. Then I surveyed him. He was still gross. I sensed that everything - his ear canals down to his neck, his digestive system all the way through, everything, had that horrible stuff. So I had to clean him out completely on the inside, too. (Sometimes such meds are quite physiological. You gotta be as objective as a doctor about it.)
The fear in my body lessened in my chest, and seemed to 'recede' from the chest, and then could be felt between the heart and solar plexus area.
(Note: when doing such things, imagine the arch is standing on a thick grate, and the gross stuff falls into it, is liquified, and is put in the 'waste disposal system' of that world. This is important because it seems from experience that these meditations often cleanse the physiological body of the meditator (as well as perhaps the energy body, if you wanna get metaphysical about it). Literally it can flush a lot of toxins. You don't want them just in your system or it'll be like doing a cleansing diet without taking appropriate herbs or liquids to wash it out, you'll have a good med and wake up with a body-aching flu. Use that symbology and your body will dump such things in the normal body waste disposal systems.)
When that was done I surveyed him once again. I was still too afraid to get super near him frankly, but felt a little better. I decided I still sensed a strong darkness throughout him, and he needed a chakra cleansing in a big way. (For those clueless, chakras are the hypothesized 'energy vortexes' throughout the body; there are a number of 'major' ones, the number and color and some placement depends on the tradition.) So I had Sun help me and we gradually cleaned him out energetically too. Really ICKY! he was. Yuck. Anyway, so finally he was pretty clean.
The 'fear' in my body had faded further, though it still existed, and had continued moving down to my solar plexus and a little below.
I had to get fairly close to him to do the crown chakra. I was able to, but still not comfortable. When it was over, I knew there was a lot more work to do, and told him that, but I'd done what I could for the time. We traded some symbols in the body. That was that. I will have to work a lot more with him as we are nowhere near the point of a good merge.
The intriguing thing to me was that "fear of psi," which I didn't think would be any big deal with me really, turned out to be such a "core" issue and so profoundly fearful. I am still kind of amazed about that. I mean, I've been 'into' the RV field for a long time, and wouldn't suspect that I personally have 'fear' about it. Yet, these meditations are usually extremely accurate about what is inside oneself, so I have to believe it must be so.
I am hoping that over time, my working with this archetype will resolve any issues in my RV that such deep, hidden issues might be affecting.
PJ
Monday, November 24, 2008
Knight of Wands, Part 4 (2/4)
I swear, this may go down as the most difficult and epic archetype meditation of my life.
Tonight I worked on the second of the four figures from the 'Knight of Wands' archetype, the one I've been mostly in denial about since late September. The post previous to this talked about how I ended up in the meditation.
Apparently my guides and inner self are 'Bringing the Mountain to Mohammed'.
I didn't do the ordinary process of getting to Inner Guide (IG) as I was accepting an 'interactive vision' happening spontaneously. I was falling down this fairly wide, rounded hole in the ground that reminded me a little like, 'maybe this is the cliff from my archetype world'. I have gone down inside that area for body things before which have been pretty amazing.
At the bottom I slowed and just sat down. I could no longer see any opening at the top. It was pitch black and "dank". I remembered that particular sense from a spontaneous meditation I had in January of 2006, part of a series of amazing meditations. I had showed up in what appeared to be a sinus cavity and gone to see what turned out to be my eye. I know, that's just so bizarre it's hilarious, but the visuals in those visions were like 3D dolby-sound lucas-level immensely detailed wonders... amazing stuff.
Anyway, I heard this sound at the same time the "dank" sense of dark-wet-sorta-still got through, at the same time I was remembering where I'd felt that before, and I knew before I turned my head I would see some kind of amphibian-like creature. It was a frog with a longish body and big splayed colorful fingers and huge eyes, about half my size. Last time it was a frog twice my size that led me to where I needed to go, but this time, it was a bit different, and it just sat there and looked at me, as I became aware that there were quite a few like him of varying sizes, and other things I couldn't recognize, and then a whole variety of stuff all over everywhere, that seemed like kind of like a cross between lichen and fireflies, like something that grew thinly over surfaces but was sort of lit up. I wondered what it was and I got the sense of bacteria (not necessarily bad) and things like that.
I "became aware" that I was to do the next step of the archetype meditation on the knight of wands. Not having finished this has left me open to the effects of that energy activated and not dealt with and it's been kicking my ass bigtime for two months. I figured well why not, and agreed, and before I could even ask for the next step, a woman appeared. I called for IG, the Angelics, Nero, Taan, Bolehran, and went up to her.
She looked sort of ok on the outside. There was something wrong but I couldn't see what. She had longish straight dark hair, and after considering her for a bit, I felt that there was a sense of a grevious wound like from a sword, that wrapped up around her torso and across her neck. Like it was deep and bloody. And yet I couldn't see anything at all there... so that was just inexplicable.
I started talking to her, and I felt so very affectionate about her for some reason. I felt like she was a woman and yet, like a a vulnerable child who was holding something inside, like a secret, as if held for someone else, paying a price for something every day. I laid her on a table and brought in an imagined technology that would make her completely translucent to me so I could 'see inside her'.
I didn't know what to make of it. She was absolutely stuffed FULL of... stuff. The kind of stuff that looks like a metal junkyard, a local trash heap, someone's storage bin, everything you can imagine, random pieces of metal and weird and yucky stuff, actual objects, things in pieces, things rolled up like for packing, everything stuffed together tightly, and some impossible quantity of it stuffed into her body.
(Some analogy to my being fat was a little hard to ignore there.)
I imagined another table next to us on which everything I went through would appear, atom by atom, as it vanished from within her. I looked into her skull first. There was a specific shape in her head, like a partly open clamshell that had spikes like a carniverous plant but was made of metal. I imagined touching that energy thought-form and vibrating it super subtly and fast so it 'released' all its connections to anything in her head and then I used my palms to 'suck' like energetically at it until it came out into my hand. I asked for help in pouring good energy into the space it left and helping to rebuild or regrow there. Then I put the object on the other table in a stasis field and went back to her and worked on the 'space' now inside her. I imagined that this was such a great opportunity because she could grow tons of new energy here, exciting stuff, good stuff she'd never even imagined, it was like a little space of totally new opportunity.
When that seemed well dealt with, I went back to the other table, to the object, and I imagined separating at the most fundamental level, the energy of the form from the energy 'imbuing' it. I imagined cleaning all that energy totally so it was fresh and new. Then I imagined a place underground at least 500 feet wherever the earth felt most comfortable accepting this energy, and I imagined the gradual transfer of 'all energy that needs that renewal, that would not be truly good for me if reabsorbed' into that space. Then what was left, I brought into the energy field just outside my body. So my body could take it or leave it as needed, as it chose.
I found another shape in her skull, this one lower, another piece of metal, with a funky shape as if it were being used to separate and block several areas from one another. I did the same process with that.
Then I started at her crown and I went through her head like a beam of gold light lowering through her and everything it touched that was not something that should be there for her health, was transferred over to the other table, just as it was inside her (so in the same shape and so on). It was sort of amazing that when I finished the head, there was a solid conglomerate of 'stuff' over on the other table, that had all been inside her. I looked back into her head and it seemed like there was so much more space inside, like so much clutter had been removed that gosh, it was perfect and wonderful but her head might not know what to do with it for awhile.
I did this with the spinal cord, from into the brain down into top of the chest. When it was clear, I went to the other table and put my hands out (I do this physically too) and imagined a catalyst, a conversion of all the energy of whatever was there, all those objects/shapes/densities just as they were, into pure white light. I could feel rushy-buzzy throughout my body though especially my neck. Then I did the same stuff with that, and went back to her body.
I did the shoulders, to arms and hands, and torso down to just above pelvic girdle next. That one actually took awhile. Then I did the pelvis/hips all the way to above the knees. Then I did the knees to the toes. The torso, when I did the energy-cleaning on what had been inside it, gave my whole body a series of rushes with every breath of cleansing that went on awhile.
I noticed that in every area where bones met was something sort of interesting; a sort of "energetic complication". Where the hips met was a big deal, the joining place was different than the area on either side. The knees, very much the same thing. Then when I got to the ankles and the feet in detail, I openly wondered about this, and understood that this really IS how it is. "Junctures" within our body represent junctures within our energy patterns. On one hand, long static energy that can occur in other places is rare in junctures because the motion keeps things moving. On the other hand, they are potentially chaos. I perceived them as kind of like a complex freeway intersection of energy in a way, but infinitely more complex. On one hand it's a lot of energy moving and exchanging. On the other, this can result in everything from slowdowns to actual crashes and jams of complication. I had never before considered doing cleansing specifically on various joints before but it sounded like a good idea then. My feet appeared to be THE most complex thing in my body except my spinal cord, by this perception.
Then I went back and worked with every major chakra plus knees and feet and hands, and reached the same cleaning-energy into them many layers deep, pulled out a couple nasty shapes that were embedded much more deeply in a couple. I called in 'jesus' (the spirit not the archetype-of) during the heart chakra and added some prayer to this.
Then something interesting happened, the 'idea' sprang up 'as' it was happening. I was on a chakra and this image of something like a box opened, looked to be a 'panel with turning knob' with a snap-shut solid lid. And the turning-knob was like 1-10 from bottom left to bottom right, 5 at top. And it showed me that it was set to like 3.5 and I understood this was the degree of openness of that particularly chakra. And so I grabbed the knob and turned it up but I could "feel" clearly that if I went too high there was going to be some problems. Like too much of some energies would over-influence me, distract or disturb me, etc.
So I opened myself to IG and tried to "share my intent with her" for what I would *like* as far as psychic awareness goes, but with the caveat that I wanted a sense of guidance for what would be enough but not too much. I felt that a certain place on the dial was the crux point. At that point would be as much as I wanted, optimistically; but one click back would be safer. After considering that I could always do this visualization again and reset them, I usually (on most the chakras) chose one-click-back from the point possible. (I chose less for my third eye, for example, than for my throat; one-click back for my throat though, to prevent too much audio noise; but then on my solar plexus I actually went pretty high on the knob, feeling that was an important one to have power in; I don't remember all the detail.)
Some were at like 5 and some were at like 7.5... none went above that. On one (I can't recall which), the knob split into a spirit-vision of two knobs, and I could see that one was at like 2 and one was at like 8 and it was really a problem, there was some kind of "imbalance" there. I imagined moving them each so they were around 5 and then merging them together, and then 'feeling' with IG to move the one to wherever it should be. I would imagine putting the knob there, putting my palm over it to 'seal the intent' with energy, closing the little 'case-lid' that protected it.
When all this was done, I imagined her and my merging fully physically, and my accepting her. I didn't get any sense of rush from this at all, and yet I actually felt as if it worked pretty well. I don't know that I've ever had a good sense of integration while having no rush. Maybe because the rushes happened earlier during the process.
So IG vanished her and there I was in the dark dank cave-like room. I wondered if maybe the room and all its interesting inhabitants could use an energy cleaning. So I imagined sending out a 'wave' of cleansing white energy that gradually went around the walls and through everything. I sensed that some of the lichen-firefly-things were not 'good' (bad bacteria?) so I used the energy to basically over-energize them... they expired, leaving only raw energy, not their former identity. And as I cleaned this area and all its creatures, it started changing around me. Things were growing all over like plants and trees and fresh air was coming in and by the time I was finished, I was sitting in a little glade in something kind of like the median point between forest and jungle. That was kind of interesting.
I rolled it up inside me and decided to get up and do something useful (like make dinner, clean the refrigerator, etc.).
While cooking and cleaning, my body has felt so very interesting. As if it is relaxed in a way I've never felt. As if tension and some degree of... fullness or stiffness has left it. It's very difficult to put into words, but I really feel as if that meditation had a very physical effect on my body, and some degree of relaxed mental effect too.
As I was cooking I was thinking that this archetype is sort of the polar opposite of the first one.
Recall the first one was a man, and he was 'burned out'--very literally. This one was a woman, and she was stuffed-full of intensely packed, long-stored then 'abandoned' energies. It made me wonder if the four elements in this meditation have some analogy or parallel to The Four of me that I so often work with.
Well, two more to go. I hope I will do these much sooner; I feel as if I am more relaxed and inclined to do so. But I also feel that I should not do this right now. That I need some time, maybe a week or two (it's been a couple weeks since I did the first one) to let this integrate on some level, and then I can do the next.
Tonight I worked on the second of the four figures from the 'Knight of Wands' archetype, the one I've been mostly in denial about since late September. The post previous to this talked about how I ended up in the meditation.
Apparently my guides and inner self are 'Bringing the Mountain to Mohammed'.
I didn't do the ordinary process of getting to Inner Guide (IG) as I was accepting an 'interactive vision' happening spontaneously. I was falling down this fairly wide, rounded hole in the ground that reminded me a little like, 'maybe this is the cliff from my archetype world'. I have gone down inside that area for body things before which have been pretty amazing.
At the bottom I slowed and just sat down. I could no longer see any opening at the top. It was pitch black and "dank". I remembered that particular sense from a spontaneous meditation I had in January of 2006, part of a series of amazing meditations. I had showed up in what appeared to be a sinus cavity and gone to see what turned out to be my eye. I know, that's just so bizarre it's hilarious, but the visuals in those visions were like 3D dolby-sound lucas-level immensely detailed wonders... amazing stuff.
Anyway, I heard this sound at the same time the "dank" sense of dark-wet-sorta-still got through, at the same time I was remembering where I'd felt that before, and I knew before I turned my head I would see some kind of amphibian-like creature. It was a frog with a longish body and big splayed colorful fingers and huge eyes, about half my size. Last time it was a frog twice my size that led me to where I needed to go, but this time, it was a bit different, and it just sat there and looked at me, as I became aware that there were quite a few like him of varying sizes, and other things I couldn't recognize, and then a whole variety of stuff all over everywhere, that seemed like kind of like a cross between lichen and fireflies, like something that grew thinly over surfaces but was sort of lit up. I wondered what it was and I got the sense of bacteria (not necessarily bad) and things like that.
I "became aware" that I was to do the next step of the archetype meditation on the knight of wands. Not having finished this has left me open to the effects of that energy activated and not dealt with and it's been kicking my ass bigtime for two months. I figured well why not, and agreed, and before I could even ask for the next step, a woman appeared. I called for IG, the Angelics, Nero, Taan, Bolehran, and went up to her.
She looked sort of ok on the outside. There was something wrong but I couldn't see what. She had longish straight dark hair, and after considering her for a bit, I felt that there was a sense of a grevious wound like from a sword, that wrapped up around her torso and across her neck. Like it was deep and bloody. And yet I couldn't see anything at all there... so that was just inexplicable.
I started talking to her, and I felt so very affectionate about her for some reason. I felt like she was a woman and yet, like a a vulnerable child who was holding something inside, like a secret, as if held for someone else, paying a price for something every day. I laid her on a table and brought in an imagined technology that would make her completely translucent to me so I could 'see inside her'.
I didn't know what to make of it. She was absolutely stuffed FULL of... stuff. The kind of stuff that looks like a metal junkyard, a local trash heap, someone's storage bin, everything you can imagine, random pieces of metal and weird and yucky stuff, actual objects, things in pieces, things rolled up like for packing, everything stuffed together tightly, and some impossible quantity of it stuffed into her body.
(Some analogy to my being fat was a little hard to ignore there.)
I imagined another table next to us on which everything I went through would appear, atom by atom, as it vanished from within her. I looked into her skull first. There was a specific shape in her head, like a partly open clamshell that had spikes like a carniverous plant but was made of metal. I imagined touching that energy thought-form and vibrating it super subtly and fast so it 'released' all its connections to anything in her head and then I used my palms to 'suck' like energetically at it until it came out into my hand. I asked for help in pouring good energy into the space it left and helping to rebuild or regrow there. Then I put the object on the other table in a stasis field and went back to her and worked on the 'space' now inside her. I imagined that this was such a great opportunity because she could grow tons of new energy here, exciting stuff, good stuff she'd never even imagined, it was like a little space of totally new opportunity.
When that seemed well dealt with, I went back to the other table, to the object, and I imagined separating at the most fundamental level, the energy of the form from the energy 'imbuing' it. I imagined cleaning all that energy totally so it was fresh and new. Then I imagined a place underground at least 500 feet wherever the earth felt most comfortable accepting this energy, and I imagined the gradual transfer of 'all energy that needs that renewal, that would not be truly good for me if reabsorbed' into that space. Then what was left, I brought into the energy field just outside my body. So my body could take it or leave it as needed, as it chose.
I found another shape in her skull, this one lower, another piece of metal, with a funky shape as if it were being used to separate and block several areas from one another. I did the same process with that.
Then I started at her crown and I went through her head like a beam of gold light lowering through her and everything it touched that was not something that should be there for her health, was transferred over to the other table, just as it was inside her (so in the same shape and so on). It was sort of amazing that when I finished the head, there was a solid conglomerate of 'stuff' over on the other table, that had all been inside her. I looked back into her head and it seemed like there was so much more space inside, like so much clutter had been removed that gosh, it was perfect and wonderful but her head might not know what to do with it for awhile.
I did this with the spinal cord, from into the brain down into top of the chest. When it was clear, I went to the other table and put my hands out (I do this physically too) and imagined a catalyst, a conversion of all the energy of whatever was there, all those objects/shapes/densities just as they were, into pure white light. I could feel rushy-buzzy throughout my body though especially my neck. Then I did the same stuff with that, and went back to her body.
I did the shoulders, to arms and hands, and torso down to just above pelvic girdle next. That one actually took awhile. Then I did the pelvis/hips all the way to above the knees. Then I did the knees to the toes. The torso, when I did the energy-cleaning on what had been inside it, gave my whole body a series of rushes with every breath of cleansing that went on awhile.
I noticed that in every area where bones met was something sort of interesting; a sort of "energetic complication". Where the hips met was a big deal, the joining place was different than the area on either side. The knees, very much the same thing. Then when I got to the ankles and the feet in detail, I openly wondered about this, and understood that this really IS how it is. "Junctures" within our body represent junctures within our energy patterns. On one hand, long static energy that can occur in other places is rare in junctures because the motion keeps things moving. On the other hand, they are potentially chaos. I perceived them as kind of like a complex freeway intersection of energy in a way, but infinitely more complex. On one hand it's a lot of energy moving and exchanging. On the other, this can result in everything from slowdowns to actual crashes and jams of complication. I had never before considered doing cleansing specifically on various joints before but it sounded like a good idea then. My feet appeared to be THE most complex thing in my body except my spinal cord, by this perception.
Then I went back and worked with every major chakra plus knees and feet and hands, and reached the same cleaning-energy into them many layers deep, pulled out a couple nasty shapes that were embedded much more deeply in a couple. I called in 'jesus' (the spirit not the archetype-of) during the heart chakra and added some prayer to this.
Then something interesting happened, the 'idea' sprang up 'as' it was happening. I was on a chakra and this image of something like a box opened, looked to be a 'panel with turning knob' with a snap-shut solid lid. And the turning-knob was like 1-10 from bottom left to bottom right, 5 at top. And it showed me that it was set to like 3.5 and I understood this was the degree of openness of that particularly chakra. And so I grabbed the knob and turned it up but I could "feel" clearly that if I went too high there was going to be some problems. Like too much of some energies would over-influence me, distract or disturb me, etc.
So I opened myself to IG and tried to "share my intent with her" for what I would *like* as far as psychic awareness goes, but with the caveat that I wanted a sense of guidance for what would be enough but not too much. I felt that a certain place on the dial was the crux point. At that point would be as much as I wanted, optimistically; but one click back would be safer. After considering that I could always do this visualization again and reset them, I usually (on most the chakras) chose one-click-back from the point possible. (I chose less for my third eye, for example, than for my throat; one-click back for my throat though, to prevent too much audio noise; but then on my solar plexus I actually went pretty high on the knob, feeling that was an important one to have power in; I don't remember all the detail.)
Some were at like 5 and some were at like 7.5... none went above that. On one (I can't recall which), the knob split into a spirit-vision of two knobs, and I could see that one was at like 2 and one was at like 8 and it was really a problem, there was some kind of "imbalance" there. I imagined moving them each so they were around 5 and then merging them together, and then 'feeling' with IG to move the one to wherever it should be. I would imagine putting the knob there, putting my palm over it to 'seal the intent' with energy, closing the little 'case-lid' that protected it.
When all this was done, I imagined her and my merging fully physically, and my accepting her. I didn't get any sense of rush from this at all, and yet I actually felt as if it worked pretty well. I don't know that I've ever had a good sense of integration while having no rush. Maybe because the rushes happened earlier during the process.
So IG vanished her and there I was in the dark dank cave-like room. I wondered if maybe the room and all its interesting inhabitants could use an energy cleaning. So I imagined sending out a 'wave' of cleansing white energy that gradually went around the walls and through everything. I sensed that some of the lichen-firefly-things were not 'good' (bad bacteria?) so I used the energy to basically over-energize them... they expired, leaving only raw energy, not their former identity. And as I cleaned this area and all its creatures, it started changing around me. Things were growing all over like plants and trees and fresh air was coming in and by the time I was finished, I was sitting in a little glade in something kind of like the median point between forest and jungle. That was kind of interesting.
I rolled it up inside me and decided to get up and do something useful (like make dinner, clean the refrigerator, etc.).
While cooking and cleaning, my body has felt so very interesting. As if it is relaxed in a way I've never felt. As if tension and some degree of... fullness or stiffness has left it. It's very difficult to put into words, but I really feel as if that meditation had a very physical effect on my body, and some degree of relaxed mental effect too.
As I was cooking I was thinking that this archetype is sort of the polar opposite of the first one.
Recall the first one was a man, and he was 'burned out'--very literally. This one was a woman, and she was stuffed-full of intensely packed, long-stored then 'abandoned' energies. It made me wonder if the four elements in this meditation have some analogy or parallel to The Four of me that I so often work with.
Well, two more to go. I hope I will do these much sooner; I feel as if I am more relaxed and inclined to do so. But I also feel that I should not do this right now. That I need some time, maybe a week or two (it's been a couple weeks since I did the first one) to let this integrate on some level, and then I can do the next.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Deep Sleep and Precursors to Meditation
The last two days have been very odd for me. My dreams have had a depth that is pretty rare and I haven't seen regularly in many years. And this morning when I woke up, I felt that my 'awareness' was 'still at depth'. I felt tranced but not in the normal dull-fuzzy way, rather just in the most-my-brain-is-deeper way. I was so intensely sleepy, the sort of feeling I used to get when my body/soul/whatever was insisting I sleep immediately to work something out, that a couple hours after I woke up this morning, I went back to sleep!
My kid woke me up later, astounded I was sleeping so late. (That's really something, coming from her, haha.) So I got up and made her food and did a few things online and then knew that I had to go back to sleep yet again. No matter how illogical it seemed, my body was insisting. So I went back to sleep for several hours.
I dreamed so deeply. What seemed like hundreds of dreams. Some were surface dreams but they involved events and people that haven't been in my life in 20-25 years. Most were deep dreams and one of the oddest factors was the awareness factor of a third element that was neither me nor dream. Dreams would be stopped at some point and someone would ask me, are you aware you're dreaming? or they would point out to me some element of the dream situation I was missing, or they would say, so what would be your decision in a situation like this? It was so odd, as it felt almost like a spiritual interview of some kind as well as education as part of it. Yet when I woke up, the whole content of the examples vanished from me and I 'understood' that was the way it had to be.
So I was up for a few hours mostly doing online stuff, when my internal-visuals started kicking up. What I mean by that is, I tend to daydream, even while in the process of thinking about something else, writing code for a website, typing email, whatever. The word 'daydream' is not accurate as that implies majority conscious control. It's more like I sometimes interfere a little in 'interest' but usually it's some other part of my mind doing whatever it does... I'm not consciously driving them. This is just a multi-track kind of thing, no big deal.
But suddenly whatever daydream the rest of me was having, the visuals and whole environmental awareness of it was getting so powerful that it started distracting me from what I was doing. When I turned my attention to it, it completely dropped in, like the sort of half-"Visions" I used to have a long time ago -- they are somewhere between a full vision and an archetype meditation. (Who knew there were so many 'degrees' of conscious involvement in one's own inner experience?)
I realized that my body and mind were basically saying, Hey! Pay attention! so I moved aside my laptop and turned off the light and closed my eyes and let myself be absorbed into the environment already fleshing out inside my head. And that's how the next stage of the archetype meditation began -- apparently it was my 'self' bringing it on, I realized, so I accepted that and moved into it.
PJ
My kid woke me up later, astounded I was sleeping so late. (That's really something, coming from her, haha.) So I got up and made her food and did a few things online and then knew that I had to go back to sleep yet again. No matter how illogical it seemed, my body was insisting. So I went back to sleep for several hours.
I dreamed so deeply. What seemed like hundreds of dreams. Some were surface dreams but they involved events and people that haven't been in my life in 20-25 years. Most were deep dreams and one of the oddest factors was the awareness factor of a third element that was neither me nor dream. Dreams would be stopped at some point and someone would ask me, are you aware you're dreaming? or they would point out to me some element of the dream situation I was missing, or they would say, so what would be your decision in a situation like this? It was so odd, as it felt almost like a spiritual interview of some kind as well as education as part of it. Yet when I woke up, the whole content of the examples vanished from me and I 'understood' that was the way it had to be.
So I was up for a few hours mostly doing online stuff, when my internal-visuals started kicking up. What I mean by that is, I tend to daydream, even while in the process of thinking about something else, writing code for a website, typing email, whatever. The word 'daydream' is not accurate as that implies majority conscious control. It's more like I sometimes interfere a little in 'interest' but usually it's some other part of my mind doing whatever it does... I'm not consciously driving them. This is just a multi-track kind of thing, no big deal.
But suddenly whatever daydream the rest of me was having, the visuals and whole environmental awareness of it was getting so powerful that it started distracting me from what I was doing. When I turned my attention to it, it completely dropped in, like the sort of half-"Visions" I used to have a long time ago -- they are somewhere between a full vision and an archetype meditation. (Who knew there were so many 'degrees' of conscious involvement in one's own inner experience?)
I realized that my body and mind were basically saying, Hey! Pay attention! so I moved aside my laptop and turned off the light and closed my eyes and let myself be absorbed into the environment already fleshing out inside my head. And that's how the next stage of the archetype meditation began -- apparently it was my 'self' bringing it on, I realized, so I accepted that and moved into it.
PJ
Monday, November 10, 2008
Knight of Wands, part 3 (1/4)
Yes, I know. Sep 20 is the last day I meditated, a Knight of Wands meditation that was so difficult I couldn't get more than a little bit into it. I was going to be right back with that. October came and went. Difficult archetype meditations are such a pain to "get around to!"
I've spent the month+ since I left off, paying the price. Feeling emotionally fragmented and slightly traumatized, distracted and disorganized, in avoidance and denial. I blew my eating plan all to hell and more, in a small rampage of self-destruct mode.
My boyfriend came to visit at the end of October. It was great to have him here, but my one week a year with him vs. the other 51 weeks a year tends to put me through the whole 7-stages-of-grief thing when he leaves, which sucks. (Right now I'm in the slightly pissed off, fine-I-don't-need-you-then stage.) During one day he was here, I stayed in the car on a chilly, windy day, for about an hour in the driveway, when I just suddenly felt like meditating, out of the blue.
I went back and picked up where I left off in my Knight of Wands meditation. As a refresher, I had first come onto an endless lawn (almost battleground type 'field') filled with people on medical beds who were horrible, greviously injured, with a man up front speaking for them. I asked to shift the energy to a smaller quantity I could deal with, and then got four 'people' each with some... problem. The first, which I didn't start on before I passed out that time, seemed sort of normal in front except a monkey-like face, but the back was completely burned out, hollowed out, the whole back of the body. That's where I left off.
So I picked it up there, this is last week. The meditation was very difficult although not complex. I got him onto a gurney and flipped him over and filled all the hollowed-out of him with "the water of life". I asked for the Angelics and they came and each put a hand on my back on a shoulder blade. Then I 'got the attention' of the front of him that was still fleshed out and asked it to become flexible and to start replicating cells, to rebuild him from the front, gradually adding flesh on the inside where the little lakes were. I would be doing that and my mind would flip to some other weird seemingly unrelated scenario I had to get through, and then I'd find myself as if returned suddenly to the meditation, and I would refocus and continue the visualization. This happened over and over, so what was merely a simple visualization took just over an hour.
But in the end, that one was healed. I merged but got no rush at all from it, but felt that this was really only a fraction of the total archetype and it was not ready for more yet. That left three more. I ended the meditation.
My goal is to get to the next one 'soon' -- there are 4, I've done 1, so, 3 to go. I wrote this down so I wouldn't forget (I already forgot most the detail). It has basically been about 50 days and it's time to get THROUGH that! Gosh this one is turning out to be complex.
The odd thing is, I never had a meditation where another archetype was spelled out for me, let alone where I was specifically referenced to a tarot card archetype. I still find that so fascinating. And it would have been even if it had just been an ordinary meditation. But it seems to me the depth and challenge of this particular archetype, only goes to prove how important it must be for me to deal with.
And I still haven't gotten back to my original archetype related to obesity because I have to get through this one first. Talk about a challenge!
.
I've spent the month+ since I left off, paying the price. Feeling emotionally fragmented and slightly traumatized, distracted and disorganized, in avoidance and denial. I blew my eating plan all to hell and more, in a small rampage of self-destruct mode.
My boyfriend came to visit at the end of October. It was great to have him here, but my one week a year with him vs. the other 51 weeks a year tends to put me through the whole 7-stages-of-grief thing when he leaves, which sucks. (Right now I'm in the slightly pissed off, fine-I-don't-need-you-then stage.) During one day he was here, I stayed in the car on a chilly, windy day, for about an hour in the driveway, when I just suddenly felt like meditating, out of the blue.
I went back and picked up where I left off in my Knight of Wands meditation. As a refresher, I had first come onto an endless lawn (almost battleground type 'field') filled with people on medical beds who were horrible, greviously injured, with a man up front speaking for them. I asked to shift the energy to a smaller quantity I could deal with, and then got four 'people' each with some... problem. The first, which I didn't start on before I passed out that time, seemed sort of normal in front except a monkey-like face, but the back was completely burned out, hollowed out, the whole back of the body. That's where I left off.
So I picked it up there, this is last week. The meditation was very difficult although not complex. I got him onto a gurney and flipped him over and filled all the hollowed-out of him with "the water of life". I asked for the Angelics and they came and each put a hand on my back on a shoulder blade. Then I 'got the attention' of the front of him that was still fleshed out and asked it to become flexible and to start replicating cells, to rebuild him from the front, gradually adding flesh on the inside where the little lakes were. I would be doing that and my mind would flip to some other weird seemingly unrelated scenario I had to get through, and then I'd find myself as if returned suddenly to the meditation, and I would refocus and continue the visualization. This happened over and over, so what was merely a simple visualization took just over an hour.
But in the end, that one was healed. I merged but got no rush at all from it, but felt that this was really only a fraction of the total archetype and it was not ready for more yet. That left three more. I ended the meditation.
My goal is to get to the next one 'soon' -- there are 4, I've done 1, so, 3 to go. I wrote this down so I wouldn't forget (I already forgot most the detail). It has basically been about 50 days and it's time to get THROUGH that! Gosh this one is turning out to be complex.
The odd thing is, I never had a meditation where another archetype was spelled out for me, let alone where I was specifically referenced to a tarot card archetype. I still find that so fascinating. And it would have been even if it had just been an ordinary meditation. But it seems to me the depth and challenge of this particular archetype, only goes to prove how important it must be for me to deal with.
And I still haven't gotten back to my original archetype related to obesity because I have to get through this one first. Talk about a challenge!
.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Captain of the Guard
This is an experience I had near the end of 1993 I believe. Although I've written it down to others a few times, it's not in my formal archives and I have no idea where to find it, so I thought I would record it again for posterity. I remembered it after reading the latest post on the CobalSigil blog.
I was definitely in a trance state, but not deeply; I was resting, having finished email, and was considering what to do about dinner, as I gazed mindlessly out my back sliding glass door. It was still very light outside though evening was approaching fast, and I was feeling a bit languid and didn't much feel like getting up and doing anything.
It took me a little while to realize that something had just happened. Often this kind of thing actually goes on for a bit before my conscious mind clues in and decides to pay attention. I had just "shared" the experience of an entity.
-------------------
He had traveled far to make the request. Journeyed among many lands and strange creatures to get to the place where you could make a petition to the Gods. Maybe if you were lucky, the Gods might hear you; there was no other choice, now.
He carried the sword the King had given him personally, and he felt heavy with the responsibility. He carried the weight of worry in his heart, and the fate of his whole people upon his brow.
He had been the Captain of the Guard for the King; the people's hero; the local Champion. Who else to take on such a task? Who else to show both the honor and courage the Gods might listen to? He had arrived at the temple finally, exhausted, and rested only long enough to hope that he was now strong enough that the Gods, any God, some God, might hear him.
He came from a land in despair. A land some said the gods must have abandoned for some great crime committed against them. The people had fled the borderlands of the South, where the land had become full desert, and had migrated away from the lakes that had shriveled into dustbowls. People had died by the handfuls and then by too large a number to count. Animals died as the fields and streams died, until most of the southern country was now a dry brown mausoleum to the past. The brown had spread to the centerlands, and even the far North of the kingdom, where the King himself lived, had begun to show the warning signs of death.
Nobody could say exactly when the rain stopped coming. They had never had a great deal of it, but the landscape preserved much of what arrived. At some point people realized the rain had began to diminish over time, and it seemed to get worse, until people began to talk in worried tones about it, and finally even the King mentioned it: there was something wrong with the sky: it had ceased to rain.
And one day the king's men returned from their surveys, and it became known just how much of the kingdom had already died, and how many would shortly, and how the dusty death would be taken all of them, even the King's court in the far North, before long.
The sun beat mercilessly down on all of them at the ceremony. The young Captain stood strong, proud to be chosen by the King, terrified that he had no idea if the gods were even real let alone would listen to him, grieved by just having heard of the death of his parents, and feeling torn inside between hopeless despair, and the determination to believe in something invisible, impossible, just for the sake of maybe finding it. All the people gathered to put their prayers into their hands and touch him, to give him their power. Maybe there would be enough power in him that his prayers would reach all the way to the gods.
He knelt in the temple on the mountain, alone in the room. The front of the temple was open and the sun was just setting, sending warm splashes of gold along the floor and onto his body. He looked at his hands and wished he had paid a little more attention as a child; he didn't remember any formal prayers. He had only the scroll, which he pulled from his shirt.
O mighty gods, he began, and then stopped.
His voice was trembling. The exhaustion of the ride, the emotional exhaustion of the last few weeks, the tears still unshed for his parents, and his mortal fear that the gods would not help him, had conspired against him, he thought somewhat desperately, as he forced himself to one of the sword-practice exercises that counted breath. Finally he felt calm again, and felt he could sound more confident this time, and he began again.
O mighty gods, he said again, hear my prayer. He held the scroll up and began the chant in his strong clear voice, the combined prayer of his people. He visualized all the power they put into him with their hands, and sending that power on one of those golden beams of light all the way to the sun, all the way to the gods. He imagined it carrying his voice through to them so clearly that he would echo around them. And while his mouth sang the chant and his mind's-eye worked the power, in his heart he prayed with love.
He had spent the weeks of his journey letting go of the anger he held inside against the gods for allowing his land such destruction, for the unfairness of it all. He had worked hard to hold nothing but faith. It had been a real stretch for a practical man such as himself, but he had dedicated himself to it fully, and by the time he arrived at the temple, he had been "filled with faith" for days. He prayed that his heart would be good enough to reach the gods, and that if it might not be -- for he sometimes doubted this -- that the gods would not hold that against his people.
And as he kneeled on the floor of the temple and prayed with all his might, a curious thing happened: God heard him.
And being God, with merely the shift of attention, intimately knew all about him and what was truly in his heart. And his heart moved God; who in turn loved him deeply and powerfully. His whole body shook with the intensity of the rapport.
He kneeled breathlessly on the floor, overwhelmed by the experience, and with joy from understanding that his people would surely be helped: God had heard him. He lay out on the floor, face down and arms out, exhausted and thankful and filled with love and faith.
And God turned to do something about his peoples' situation.
And the shallow surface focus-personality that God normally wore, which seldom interfaced with the deeper, larger part of God that handled this sort of thing, was more perceptive than usual at that moment, and realized with a shock all that had just occurred.
And that part of God wondered with confusion where the Captain of the Guard concept had come from, because she understood that the Captain's people were a large collection of cells in her lower right torso, profoundly dehydrated and much of the small system already atrophied, and she needed to drink a great deal more water.
God grieved, realizing she had just fallen in love with a young man who could not possibly exist. And God was in awe, that someone actually considered her ... to be God.
Are there whole worlds inside us? Are we merely inside someone else? Is God "in part" composed of everything created in God's image?
If everything is truly alive, does God have a responsibility to take care of her people?
.
I was definitely in a trance state, but not deeply; I was resting, having finished email, and was considering what to do about dinner, as I gazed mindlessly out my back sliding glass door. It was still very light outside though evening was approaching fast, and I was feeling a bit languid and didn't much feel like getting up and doing anything.
It took me a little while to realize that something had just happened. Often this kind of thing actually goes on for a bit before my conscious mind clues in and decides to pay attention. I had just "shared" the experience of an entity.
-------------------
He had traveled far to make the request. Journeyed among many lands and strange creatures to get to the place where you could make a petition to the Gods. Maybe if you were lucky, the Gods might hear you; there was no other choice, now.
He carried the sword the King had given him personally, and he felt heavy with the responsibility. He carried the weight of worry in his heart, and the fate of his whole people upon his brow.
He had been the Captain of the Guard for the King; the people's hero; the local Champion. Who else to take on such a task? Who else to show both the honor and courage the Gods might listen to? He had arrived at the temple finally, exhausted, and rested only long enough to hope that he was now strong enough that the Gods, any God, some God, might hear him.
He came from a land in despair. A land some said the gods must have abandoned for some great crime committed against them. The people had fled the borderlands of the South, where the land had become full desert, and had migrated away from the lakes that had shriveled into dustbowls. People had died by the handfuls and then by too large a number to count. Animals died as the fields and streams died, until most of the southern country was now a dry brown mausoleum to the past. The brown had spread to the centerlands, and even the far North of the kingdom, where the King himself lived, had begun to show the warning signs of death.
Nobody could say exactly when the rain stopped coming. They had never had a great deal of it, but the landscape preserved much of what arrived. At some point people realized the rain had began to diminish over time, and it seemed to get worse, until people began to talk in worried tones about it, and finally even the King mentioned it: there was something wrong with the sky: it had ceased to rain.
And one day the king's men returned from their surveys, and it became known just how much of the kingdom had already died, and how many would shortly, and how the dusty death would be taken all of them, even the King's court in the far North, before long.
The sun beat mercilessly down on all of them at the ceremony. The young Captain stood strong, proud to be chosen by the King, terrified that he had no idea if the gods were even real let alone would listen to him, grieved by just having heard of the death of his parents, and feeling torn inside between hopeless despair, and the determination to believe in something invisible, impossible, just for the sake of maybe finding it. All the people gathered to put their prayers into their hands and touch him, to give him their power. Maybe there would be enough power in him that his prayers would reach all the way to the gods.
He knelt in the temple on the mountain, alone in the room. The front of the temple was open and the sun was just setting, sending warm splashes of gold along the floor and onto his body. He looked at his hands and wished he had paid a little more attention as a child; he didn't remember any formal prayers. He had only the scroll, which he pulled from his shirt.
O mighty gods, he began, and then stopped.
His voice was trembling. The exhaustion of the ride, the emotional exhaustion of the last few weeks, the tears still unshed for his parents, and his mortal fear that the gods would not help him, had conspired against him, he thought somewhat desperately, as he forced himself to one of the sword-practice exercises that counted breath. Finally he felt calm again, and felt he could sound more confident this time, and he began again.
O mighty gods, he said again, hear my prayer. He held the scroll up and began the chant in his strong clear voice, the combined prayer of his people. He visualized all the power they put into him with their hands, and sending that power on one of those golden beams of light all the way to the sun, all the way to the gods. He imagined it carrying his voice through to them so clearly that he would echo around them. And while his mouth sang the chant and his mind's-eye worked the power, in his heart he prayed with love.
He had spent the weeks of his journey letting go of the anger he held inside against the gods for allowing his land such destruction, for the unfairness of it all. He had worked hard to hold nothing but faith. It had been a real stretch for a practical man such as himself, but he had dedicated himself to it fully, and by the time he arrived at the temple, he had been "filled with faith" for days. He prayed that his heart would be good enough to reach the gods, and that if it might not be -- for he sometimes doubted this -- that the gods would not hold that against his people.
And as he kneeled on the floor of the temple and prayed with all his might, a curious thing happened: God heard him.
And being God, with merely the shift of attention, intimately knew all about him and what was truly in his heart. And his heart moved God; who in turn loved him deeply and powerfully. His whole body shook with the intensity of the rapport.
He kneeled breathlessly on the floor, overwhelmed by the experience, and with joy from understanding that his people would surely be helped: God had heard him. He lay out on the floor, face down and arms out, exhausted and thankful and filled with love and faith.
And God turned to do something about his peoples' situation.
And the shallow surface focus-personality that God normally wore, which seldom interfaced with the deeper, larger part of God that handled this sort of thing, was more perceptive than usual at that moment, and realized with a shock all that had just occurred.
And that part of God wondered with confusion where the Captain of the Guard concept had come from, because she understood that the Captain's people were a large collection of cells in her lower right torso, profoundly dehydrated and much of the small system already atrophied, and she needed to drink a great deal more water.
God grieved, realizing she had just fallen in love with a young man who could not possibly exist. And God was in awe, that someone actually considered her ... to be God.
Are there whole worlds inside us? Are we merely inside someone else? Is God "in part" composed of everything created in God's image?
If everything is truly alive, does God have a responsibility to take care of her people?
.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Knight of Wands, a break
I've been pretty sick for a week. I'm just feeling better today. I intend to get back to my Knight of Wands meditation -- and following that, the one that sparked it, on obesity -- starting tomorrow, hopefully.
Remote Viewing and Energy
I would subtitle this "IG Points Out the Obvious".
This morning me and my best friend were having a discussion about viewing -- which we do regularly of course. I don't even remember all the talk, but I remember what I was thinking about afterward. Mostly, it came down to this:
Why? When we get the totally wrong target, why? When we clearly perceive specific data, and it turns out to be wrong, why?
I don't care about data you screw up on your own, which is the majority of problem data frankly. I don't care about poor contact or process issues. All of those are visible at feedback, and you can learn from feedback, and that is a sport-skill. No, I am talking about when a viewer has good contact, has a clear experience, and yet that is not about the target intended. In that instance feedback is useless, is more harm than help to likely psi experience, and we don't learn anything except not to trust ourselves.
Everybody has this in RV; nobody is exempt. Everybody seems to accept that's the way it is. Even in the professional lab, viewers will include 'getting the correct target to start with' as a separate statistic; one may say, "I'm on target about 68% of the time, but when I am, about 92% of my data is accurate." Everybody accepts that some portion of the time, a viewer has a perfectly clear piece of data that is totally wrong, or even an entire clear session that is totally wrong.
Nobody has a clue what to do about it. There are all kinds of things people come up with to try and combat this, from the target selection, to tasking, to session cool-down, warm-up, session methodologies, feedback rituals, you name it. Most things 'initially' seem to help but eventually it's the same accuracy % as usual. As an entire field we are just stuck: sometimes we suck and we have no idea how to fix it. The only consolation is that everybody does, to varying degrees; the only thing consistent about RV is its inconsistency.
I accept that this is the case. But I can't let it go. I want to know, why?
As I blogged previously (and those posts should be read before this one: first Aspect RV and then Archetype RV), off and on I have worked on my own approaches to viewing. Some of this is because spontaneous experience has made me more interested in the "session dynamics and experience" than most people are. In other words, most viewing is only about accurate data. I care about that, but to me the overall process is a point of fascination that I like to explore. Sometimes that helps me with data, such as Aspect RV; sometimes it tends to distract me from the data, such as with Archetype RV.
I was in the kitchen this morning making my kid a blueberry coconut pancake. As I'd mixed in the blueberry muffin crumbles from the hilariously failed muffins of the night before, the batter was crazy thick, so I sat down in a chair waiting for it to cook for a long while, and thought about it more.
If I only knew where to look, I griped to myself. I mean, let's say that I have some distortion in energy which causes me to not-perceive, or wrongly-perceive, Data X in Target Y. Fine, but how do I know what to work on, to directly address that distortion, if that's what the problem is? And what about when a whole session is on a seemingly wrong-target? Is that a distortion too? Where does a person LOOK for "what energies to address" in an archetype meditation, for example, to try and meet RV problems head-on and proactively work them out?
Using "the target" in general didn't work. I had tried addressing "the viewer's relationship with the target" in my Archetype RV. While I didn't give up the gut-feeling that this was generally the right road, still, that obviously was not the answer, and I was not planning to take up that same experiment in my next viewing cycle.
I pondered the problem. Then I pondered the solution: I have tools for working on stuff, after all.
I can build "mental tools" in my head, such as Richard Bandler talks about in NLP and which I assume most of us do a little bit automatically anyway. If I know that problem-Z is occurring, I can build a tool to help, for example. I can use my energy tools, such as reality-meds and arch-meds, to deal with things I know are problems. If there's issue X, I can work on that outside of RV to try and improve myself.
In short, I have a hammer. The problem is, I don't know where to find the bloody nail!
Sure, maybe "strong enough intent" would fix it but that isn't dealing with the problem I feel--that is strong-arming the solution 'through' the problem in that single instance. You still have the problem intact and it's just as likely to ruin some other session that didn't have some overwhelmingly powerful 'intent-assistance' factor instead.
What good are tools if you can't use them? If you don't even know where to look to find the real problem?
"IG," I half-whined at her, "Can you help me with this? Can you help me understand what is going wrong? Or maybe help me understand what I can work on to improve it?"
I had a clear sense of assent from her, and then a ROTE, as Bob Monroe described it -- a 'thoughtball' -- hit me and unfurled. This was multi-level conceptual and contains a bit of stuff, so it takes a bit of explaining.
But at the moment it unrolled in me, my first thought was:
Holy cats! That's so obvious! That's so perfect! That might work!
and my second thought was,
Why the hell didn't I think of this before?!
The first part of the thoughtball was like a "concept-relationship" and almost seemed as much like math-and-logic as it did anything else. It's difficult even to articulate in English but let me try. I used to troubleshoot manufacturing line and related process-flow issues, so I think for me it's easiest to put it into that context.
Let's say you have a goal and intent and plan and raw materials: you're going to build a bunch of somethings. And, you have a process for building these somethings --a manufacturing process --on one side of an equation. And then you have an output --that manufacturing result --on the other side.
Somewhere in the middle, you have got some obvious problems. Something is failing in your process. You're ending up with some products perfect, some products deformed, and some products that go in with the intent of being metal widgets and come out as stuffed animals. What the hell?! You must have several things going wrong somewhere in the middle! It's inconsistent, and nobody is sure what is going wrong, so you immediately start to troubleshoot.
But it's black-box, to use a software term. You cannot SEE the actual manufacturing process for some reason.
Well, that is an analogy to the issue that Remote Viewing has. There is a portion of our process which is black-box, which we neither know nor understand. People get target contact or they don't. While a myriad of factors can lean on helping or hurting that situation, still nobody knows why it does or doesn't happen or correctly. We're stumbling in the dark and trying to do everything else right and hoping for the best.
So archetype meditations, and reality meds -- or 'energy work' as there are many forms of that -- can address black-box problems, I already knew that. I just don't know "where to look."
Where do I find the connection between "here is a data point and/or session that obviously had a problem," and "the actual problem" so I can take my hammer and go pound on it?
And suddenly in a sort of blinding flash of the-obvious, I understood:
It's the data.
The data is the key. It's like the task-number-leading-to-the-problem.
Right now, we set an 'intent' as tasking and describe it as a session. How much more black box can you get than that? Yet we have no trouble following that intent, whether it's task# or something else we just address ourselves to.
Do I want to work on "what energies or energetic relationships caused distortion" in a given data point of a session? What kind of rocket science makes that hard to figure out? The answer is: specifically address yourself to the issues that caused distortion in that data point.
Not the entire target as an archetype which is how I'd been approaching it previously. Not only is that absolutely huge and complex compared to the surface data about one tiny aspect of something we are targeting, but it's also containing tons of energy that has nothing to do with whatever got messed up. It's like wanting to clean your house, and trying to accomplish this by cleaning up Chicago. It's overkill in a major way. The troubleshooting has got to be more specific.
The model IG gave was sorta similar to a reality-med, a form of energy work.
In my head, the way I perceived it (I'm sure a translation):
Each "data point" was the end-result of a "relationship". The 'relationship' was defined like a string.
Like a 4 foot long, 1 inch diameter, "cord of energy".
At one end is what I'd call the "core pattern": the energy of the target (which is part of us).
At the other end is what I'd call the "data point": the recorded end-result of that energy string.
The energy-string itself was in us, part of us. It is about our relationship to ourself.
I saw a gathering of strings, like thick cords of light for a bunch of floating balloons, but no balloons. Each string showed its "issues". Many looked just fine. But, some were stiff in places with a hard-angle kink to another direction. Some had knots or frays in them. Some had parts of them dirty and gummy-gunky. I understood that to function cleanly and clearly, they should all be clean all the way through, relaxed, not stiff, not angled or kinky, not knotted or frayed. Essentially, the energy of the target (which is of ourself; in my mental model, we 'locally replicate the non-local pattern' as how we 'get' target info) has to travel through us. It has to get through our body--the full energy body, not just the fully physical one in this focus-level--and there are often lots of things in the way, things that will block energy, shunt energy off, distort energy from slightly to completely, etc.
We would not know we had these issues, that we needed a little clean-up inside for better clarity, were it not for viewing. It shows us up close and personal exactly what kind of energetic clarity we have within ourselves. (Most session problems are process problems and none of that applies to this discussion and concept. It is core-experience-wrong that I am talking about.)
Every 'relationship point' that we create in a remote viewing session is a unique trail, a distinct energy string. If we are viewing a truck in two different targets, there will be some similarities in that string, but also differences. This would be the case even if it were the same truck, but to a lesser degree. And some of that energy is going to be present in other trails of completely different things, which have some overlap in concept, composition, dynamic, or something.
But if there is a specific energy that we "deal with" -- that we clean, unkink, unknot, etc. -- for one target, then we have dealt with that energy period. Any other target we get that has that particular energy involved, we are going to be clear with it. Of course, we may not be clear with the rest of what's involved in an 'energy string' even of similar data, but we will at least have addressed some of it with the first session, and the results are cumulative.
The cool thing was I had no impression of this requiring a lot of time or effort. In fact it seemed really easy and obvious, like this is right on the surface. All you have to do when finishing the feedback part of viewing, is ask for all the energy points where distortion happened, and take those strings and pull them into your body and imagine cleaning them and healing them etc.
I had a sense this quick and simple little approach could be used during viewing and after viewing (before session submission), as well.
My friend pointed out that you could build a mental tool to deal with this automatically. I imagined a star-trek-like teleporter pad, where the energy is holding something in stasis, and that something is an energy-cord. Either lots of pads (1 for each string that had issues) or just 1 that was 'cumulatively representative' of all of them, like with archetype work. You press something on a panel and the energy is re-arranged at the sub-atomic level to be clean and perfect.
I don't know exactly how I'm going to implement this yet but I definitely am. Actually I'm having a hard time not diving into viewing immediately in my enthusiasm but I'm supposed to be on an archmed series until end of year. Maybe I should quit being such an extremist and do a little more mix of things.
Anyway, in the end, the answer was blindingly simple: we have a glowing arrow to exactly what problem(s) we have in viewing, in the form of the data or session that is or has a problem. If I'm looking for the door to open to "deal with" something, there it is.
The only problem I'm having is understanding why this is an epiphany; why it isn't just so simple it's obvious.
.
This morning me and my best friend were having a discussion about viewing -- which we do regularly of course. I don't even remember all the talk, but I remember what I was thinking about afterward. Mostly, it came down to this:
Why? When we get the totally wrong target, why? When we clearly perceive specific data, and it turns out to be wrong, why?
I don't care about data you screw up on your own, which is the majority of problem data frankly. I don't care about poor contact or process issues. All of those are visible at feedback, and you can learn from feedback, and that is a sport-skill. No, I am talking about when a viewer has good contact, has a clear experience, and yet that is not about the target intended. In that instance feedback is useless, is more harm than help to likely psi experience, and we don't learn anything except not to trust ourselves.
Everybody has this in RV; nobody is exempt. Everybody seems to accept that's the way it is. Even in the professional lab, viewers will include 'getting the correct target to start with' as a separate statistic; one may say, "I'm on target about 68% of the time, but when I am, about 92% of my data is accurate." Everybody accepts that some portion of the time, a viewer has a perfectly clear piece of data that is totally wrong, or even an entire clear session that is totally wrong.
Nobody has a clue what to do about it. There are all kinds of things people come up with to try and combat this, from the target selection, to tasking, to session cool-down, warm-up, session methodologies, feedback rituals, you name it. Most things 'initially' seem to help but eventually it's the same accuracy % as usual. As an entire field we are just stuck: sometimes we suck and we have no idea how to fix it. The only consolation is that everybody does, to varying degrees; the only thing consistent about RV is its inconsistency.
I accept that this is the case. But I can't let it go. I want to know, why?
As I blogged previously (and those posts should be read before this one: first Aspect RV and then Archetype RV), off and on I have worked on my own approaches to viewing. Some of this is because spontaneous experience has made me more interested in the "session dynamics and experience" than most people are. In other words, most viewing is only about accurate data. I care about that, but to me the overall process is a point of fascination that I like to explore. Sometimes that helps me with data, such as Aspect RV; sometimes it tends to distract me from the data, such as with Archetype RV.
I was in the kitchen this morning making my kid a blueberry coconut pancake. As I'd mixed in the blueberry muffin crumbles from the hilariously failed muffins of the night before, the batter was crazy thick, so I sat down in a chair waiting for it to cook for a long while, and thought about it more.
If I only knew where to look, I griped to myself. I mean, let's say that I have some distortion in energy which causes me to not-perceive, or wrongly-perceive, Data X in Target Y. Fine, but how do I know what to work on, to directly address that distortion, if that's what the problem is? And what about when a whole session is on a seemingly wrong-target? Is that a distortion too? Where does a person LOOK for "what energies to address" in an archetype meditation, for example, to try and meet RV problems head-on and proactively work them out?
Using "the target" in general didn't work. I had tried addressing "the viewer's relationship with the target" in my Archetype RV. While I didn't give up the gut-feeling that this was generally the right road, still, that obviously was not the answer, and I was not planning to take up that same experiment in my next viewing cycle.
I pondered the problem. Then I pondered the solution: I have tools for working on stuff, after all.
I can build "mental tools" in my head, such as Richard Bandler talks about in NLP and which I assume most of us do a little bit automatically anyway. If I know that problem-Z is occurring, I can build a tool to help, for example. I can use my energy tools, such as reality-meds and arch-meds, to deal with things I know are problems. If there's issue X, I can work on that outside of RV to try and improve myself.
In short, I have a hammer. The problem is, I don't know where to find the bloody nail!
Sure, maybe "strong enough intent" would fix it but that isn't dealing with the problem I feel--that is strong-arming the solution 'through' the problem in that single instance. You still have the problem intact and it's just as likely to ruin some other session that didn't have some overwhelmingly powerful 'intent-assistance' factor instead.
What good are tools if you can't use them? If you don't even know where to look to find the real problem?
"IG," I half-whined at her, "Can you help me with this? Can you help me understand what is going wrong? Or maybe help me understand what I can work on to improve it?"
I had a clear sense of assent from her, and then a ROTE, as Bob Monroe described it -- a 'thoughtball' -- hit me and unfurled. This was multi-level conceptual and contains a bit of stuff, so it takes a bit of explaining.
But at the moment it unrolled in me, my first thought was:
Holy cats! That's so obvious! That's so perfect! That might work!
and my second thought was,
Why the hell didn't I think of this before?!
The first part of the thoughtball was like a "concept-relationship" and almost seemed as much like math-and-logic as it did anything else. It's difficult even to articulate in English but let me try. I used to troubleshoot manufacturing line and related process-flow issues, so I think for me it's easiest to put it into that context.
Let's say you have a goal and intent and plan and raw materials: you're going to build a bunch of somethings. And, you have a process for building these somethings --a manufacturing process --on one side of an equation. And then you have an output --that manufacturing result --on the other side.
Somewhere in the middle, you have got some obvious problems. Something is failing in your process. You're ending up with some products perfect, some products deformed, and some products that go in with the intent of being metal widgets and come out as stuffed animals. What the hell?! You must have several things going wrong somewhere in the middle! It's inconsistent, and nobody is sure what is going wrong, so you immediately start to troubleshoot.
But it's black-box, to use a software term. You cannot SEE the actual manufacturing process for some reason.
Well, that is an analogy to the issue that Remote Viewing has. There is a portion of our process which is black-box, which we neither know nor understand. People get target contact or they don't. While a myriad of factors can lean on helping or hurting that situation, still nobody knows why it does or doesn't happen or correctly. We're stumbling in the dark and trying to do everything else right and hoping for the best.
So archetype meditations, and reality meds -- or 'energy work' as there are many forms of that -- can address black-box problems, I already knew that. I just don't know "where to look."
Where do I find the connection between "here is a data point and/or session that obviously had a problem," and "the actual problem" so I can take my hammer and go pound on it?
And suddenly in a sort of blinding flash of the-obvious, I understood:
It's the data.
The data is the key. It's like the task-number-leading-to-the-problem.
Right now, we set an 'intent' as tasking and describe it as a session. How much more black box can you get than that? Yet we have no trouble following that intent, whether it's task# or something else we just address ourselves to.
Do I want to work on "what energies or energetic relationships caused distortion" in a given data point of a session? What kind of rocket science makes that hard to figure out? The answer is: specifically address yourself to the issues that caused distortion in that data point.
Not the entire target as an archetype which is how I'd been approaching it previously. Not only is that absolutely huge and complex compared to the surface data about one tiny aspect of something we are targeting, but it's also containing tons of energy that has nothing to do with whatever got messed up. It's like wanting to clean your house, and trying to accomplish this by cleaning up Chicago. It's overkill in a major way. The troubleshooting has got to be more specific.
The model IG gave was sorta similar to a reality-med, a form of energy work.
In my head, the way I perceived it (I'm sure a translation):
Each "data point" was the end-result of a "relationship". The 'relationship' was defined like a string.
Like a 4 foot long, 1 inch diameter, "cord of energy".
At one end is what I'd call the "core pattern": the energy of the target (which is part of us).
At the other end is what I'd call the "data point": the recorded end-result of that energy string.
The energy-string itself was in us, part of us. It is about our relationship to ourself.
I saw a gathering of strings, like thick cords of light for a bunch of floating balloons, but no balloons. Each string showed its "issues". Many looked just fine. But, some were stiff in places with a hard-angle kink to another direction. Some had knots or frays in them. Some had parts of them dirty and gummy-gunky. I understood that to function cleanly and clearly, they should all be clean all the way through, relaxed, not stiff, not angled or kinky, not knotted or frayed. Essentially, the energy of the target (which is of ourself; in my mental model, we 'locally replicate the non-local pattern' as how we 'get' target info) has to travel through us. It has to get through our body--the full energy body, not just the fully physical one in this focus-level--and there are often lots of things in the way, things that will block energy, shunt energy off, distort energy from slightly to completely, etc.
We would not know we had these issues, that we needed a little clean-up inside for better clarity, were it not for viewing. It shows us up close and personal exactly what kind of energetic clarity we have within ourselves. (Most session problems are process problems and none of that applies to this discussion and concept. It is core-experience-wrong that I am talking about.)
Every 'relationship point' that we create in a remote viewing session is a unique trail, a distinct energy string. If we are viewing a truck in two different targets, there will be some similarities in that string, but also differences. This would be the case even if it were the same truck, but to a lesser degree. And some of that energy is going to be present in other trails of completely different things, which have some overlap in concept, composition, dynamic, or something.
But if there is a specific energy that we "deal with" -- that we clean, unkink, unknot, etc. -- for one target, then we have dealt with that energy period. Any other target we get that has that particular energy involved, we are going to be clear with it. Of course, we may not be clear with the rest of what's involved in an 'energy string' even of similar data, but we will at least have addressed some of it with the first session, and the results are cumulative.
The cool thing was I had no impression of this requiring a lot of time or effort. In fact it seemed really easy and obvious, like this is right on the surface. All you have to do when finishing the feedback part of viewing, is ask for all the energy points where distortion happened, and take those strings and pull them into your body and imagine cleaning them and healing them etc.
I had a sense this quick and simple little approach could be used during viewing and after viewing (before session submission), as well.
My friend pointed out that you could build a mental tool to deal with this automatically. I imagined a star-trek-like teleporter pad, where the energy is holding something in stasis, and that something is an energy-cord. Either lots of pads (1 for each string that had issues) or just 1 that was 'cumulatively representative' of all of them, like with archetype work. You press something on a panel and the energy is re-arranged at the sub-atomic level to be clean and perfect.
I don't know exactly how I'm going to implement this yet but I definitely am. Actually I'm having a hard time not diving into viewing immediately in my enthusiasm but I'm supposed to be on an archmed series until end of year. Maybe I should quit being such an extremist and do a little more mix of things.
Anyway, in the end, the answer was blindingly simple: we have a glowing arrow to exactly what problem(s) we have in viewing, in the form of the data or session that is or has a problem. If I'm looking for the door to open to "deal with" something, there it is.
The only problem I'm having is understanding why this is an epiphany; why it isn't just so simple it's obvious.
.
Archetype RV (Remote Viewing)
Prior to this article, it's best to read the previous Aspect RV post.
So as 'Aspect RV' settled into my psyche over time (or my psiche, as I call it, since psi is heavily involved here too), I began to realize that not only could I interact with 'myself' during viewing, but that the target itself seemed to interact with me.
At first I didn't know what was going on. I would start a session and get a flash of something bizarre, like: I'm in a tiny dark stone room and there is a big sarcophagus and brilliant gold light is shining out of it but I tune in just at the INSTANT a huge heavy stone lid is slamming down and shutting out the light. WTF?? I knew it wasn't part of the target, and I suspected it was information about the session or my contact (so... that wouldn't be a good sign, in this case...) Or I'd be in the middle of a session and I'd see a person, like an 'Aspect' -- but they would run in a room and slam the door. WTF?? This began happening more often as time went on. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know why it was happening. In the Official Doctrine of Methods, the data does not act out and talk to you. It's considered "inert information" that you "passively wait for". Yet my data was not remotely inert, and it seemed to want me to be proactively interacting with it.
So one day I was in a session and I 'found myself' on a street I sensed, and there was an Aspect, a woman standing in the sky above me, her feet a couple feet above my head. She leaned down to me and held out a pair of eyeglasses. Determined to do something proactive this time, I leaned up and took them, and then I put them on. Suddenly I found myself rushing through space, at enormous speeds as stars flashed past me, going toward some ball. I can't remember the target now -- it was a planet or moon -- but the point was, the "experiential" nature of that data was SO intense, and the data itself definitely did seem on target, that I began to think maybe this 'interact with the data' was an idea worth trying.
After awhile of "off and on" working in that model, I started thinking a whole LOT about the two main problems in RV: inaccurate target acquisition (good sessions that aren't on the proper target apparently) and inaccurate data (I don't mean data you mess up between 'experience' and 'paper', I mean data you get clearly, but that is clearly wrong, you see later). What is going wrong in those cases? It is not a case of not being psychic; I believe both of those *are* psychic--but about "the wrong thing" somehow. It is true that a powerful intent or related issues CAN overcome problems in RV and improve success, however, I think that is more like something that is just 'overriding' whatever the real problem is. I don't think we have a clue what the real problem is.
I started thinking about archetype meditations. The idea there is that there is you, and there is something else, and "interacting with the archetype" amounts to "resolving the energies" between you. I had the powerful gut feeling that this wrong-target/wrong-data amounted to some kind of "disturbed energy" that the person themselves had, that was causing some kind of distortion in the end-result of their actions. Something deep. It wasn't something done at the conscious level, I believed that. Yet it did relate to the viewer and not any cosmic thing outside them. So it had to be something 'fundamental'.
This feeling was so strong in me I couldn't let it go. I decided to experiment: I would see if doing an archetype meditation on "the target" could in some way clear up "any energy pattern problems, blockages, skewings, etc." I might have.
The problem was that first off, doing that work really took awhile before I ever got to the session. I would end up with an archmed and then 5 minutes of session, which was unworkable. Worse, often the archmed, while intriguingly experiential, would just barely if at all relate to the 'literal' target -- and that's not unusual, but terribly distracting for RV's purpose. I worked various approaches to this, only to gradually and sadly conclude that it did not seem to improve RV and only seemed to cause problems. Although sometimes it worked, too many times it didn't or worse, it either didn't or it distracted me so I didn't even get to the viewing, but neither situation bothered me because emotionally, the archmed meant more to me than the data. So then RV literally had 'competition' instead of help.
There are some elements of the archetype RV work that I will probably keep. I ask my Inner Guide to 'weave me and the target together' before it, and deweave us AFTER I have feedback, so the 'target' can be with me (an attempt at rapport) as I am getting feedback. At worst this is just better for understanding, and at best this has had some amazing occasions, like when the target itself appeared to be sentient and perceiving me and my feedback experience (like viewing-in-reverse) (Ganymede did this). But that is it. The whole archetypal process, I feel is counter-productive to the RV session and focus.
But the dilemma remained: I still felt strongly that my core gut-feeling was correct: that inaccurate target acquisition and inaccurate data (clear experiences which did not match intended target) were some kind of energy distortion maybe between the viewer and that target, or just the viewer period, who knows. So ok, maybe 'archetype meditations' -- normally a process to resolve problem energies -- were not the solution; because really, RV does not care about the fuller, deeper target. It just wants the bleepin data. Anything beyond that, unless it almost ensures that, is a distraction.
So when I left my last viewing cycle, I was in limbo. I want to experiment: I don't want to just accept that "when it's right it's right" and ignore that it's wrong sometimes; I want to understand WHY it's wrong. I want to fix that or at least greatly reduce its frequency.
Not that my viewing's any worse than anybody else's; percentage of target contact seems better than average if anything (and there's no brag in that because this is one of those things we appear to be helpless about, says science anyway; we get what we get). But my personality is not well suited to just accepting that a percentage of the time things go horribly wrong somewhere, and everyone just thinks that's the way it is and nobody has a clue what to do about it. People invent all kinds of tasker-dances and feedback-jigs and cool-down approaches and methodology steps and more, trying for anything that might improve accuracy or reduce inaccuracy, but the reality is, after initial 'change'-related seeming-success everything pans out to the same accuracy rate as always.
My whole career has been varying degrees and approaches to "troubleshooting". My whole personality is geared to looking for stuff like that, understanding it, and fixing it. So that my primary interest in life is nearly overwhelmed with a major problem(s) of no explanation and nobody's doing jack about it, drives me crazy!
So that's where I left things.
This morning after a talk about RV I had an insight that relates a bit to the combination of Aspect RV and Archetype RV, but I'll put that in a separate post.
.
So as 'Aspect RV' settled into my psyche over time (or my psiche, as I call it, since psi is heavily involved here too), I began to realize that not only could I interact with 'myself' during viewing, but that the target itself seemed to interact with me.
At first I didn't know what was going on. I would start a session and get a flash of something bizarre, like: I'm in a tiny dark stone room and there is a big sarcophagus and brilliant gold light is shining out of it but I tune in just at the INSTANT a huge heavy stone lid is slamming down and shutting out the light. WTF?? I knew it wasn't part of the target, and I suspected it was information about the session or my contact (so... that wouldn't be a good sign, in this case...) Or I'd be in the middle of a session and I'd see a person, like an 'Aspect' -- but they would run in a room and slam the door. WTF?? This began happening more often as time went on. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know why it was happening. In the Official Doctrine of Methods, the data does not act out and talk to you. It's considered "inert information" that you "passively wait for". Yet my data was not remotely inert, and it seemed to want me to be proactively interacting with it.
So one day I was in a session and I 'found myself' on a street I sensed, and there was an Aspect, a woman standing in the sky above me, her feet a couple feet above my head. She leaned down to me and held out a pair of eyeglasses. Determined to do something proactive this time, I leaned up and took them, and then I put them on. Suddenly I found myself rushing through space, at enormous speeds as stars flashed past me, going toward some ball. I can't remember the target now -- it was a planet or moon -- but the point was, the "experiential" nature of that data was SO intense, and the data itself definitely did seem on target, that I began to think maybe this 'interact with the data' was an idea worth trying.
After awhile of "off and on" working in that model, I started thinking a whole LOT about the two main problems in RV: inaccurate target acquisition (good sessions that aren't on the proper target apparently) and inaccurate data (I don't mean data you mess up between 'experience' and 'paper', I mean data you get clearly, but that is clearly wrong, you see later). What is going wrong in those cases? It is not a case of not being psychic; I believe both of those *are* psychic--but about "the wrong thing" somehow. It is true that a powerful intent or related issues CAN overcome problems in RV and improve success, however, I think that is more like something that is just 'overriding' whatever the real problem is. I don't think we have a clue what the real problem is.
I started thinking about archetype meditations. The idea there is that there is you, and there is something else, and "interacting with the archetype" amounts to "resolving the energies" between you. I had the powerful gut feeling that this wrong-target/wrong-data amounted to some kind of "disturbed energy" that the person themselves had, that was causing some kind of distortion in the end-result of their actions. Something deep. It wasn't something done at the conscious level, I believed that. Yet it did relate to the viewer and not any cosmic thing outside them. So it had to be something 'fundamental'.
This feeling was so strong in me I couldn't let it go. I decided to experiment: I would see if doing an archetype meditation on "the target" could in some way clear up "any energy pattern problems, blockages, skewings, etc." I might have.
The problem was that first off, doing that work really took awhile before I ever got to the session. I would end up with an archmed and then 5 minutes of session, which was unworkable. Worse, often the archmed, while intriguingly experiential, would just barely if at all relate to the 'literal' target -- and that's not unusual, but terribly distracting for RV's purpose. I worked various approaches to this, only to gradually and sadly conclude that it did not seem to improve RV and only seemed to cause problems. Although sometimes it worked, too many times it didn't or worse, it either didn't or it distracted me so I didn't even get to the viewing, but neither situation bothered me because emotionally, the archmed meant more to me than the data. So then RV literally had 'competition' instead of help.
There are some elements of the archetype RV work that I will probably keep. I ask my Inner Guide to 'weave me and the target together' before it, and deweave us AFTER I have feedback, so the 'target' can be with me (an attempt at rapport) as I am getting feedback. At worst this is just better for understanding, and at best this has had some amazing occasions, like when the target itself appeared to be sentient and perceiving me and my feedback experience (like viewing-in-reverse) (Ganymede did this). But that is it. The whole archetypal process, I feel is counter-productive to the RV session and focus.
But the dilemma remained: I still felt strongly that my core gut-feeling was correct: that inaccurate target acquisition and inaccurate data (clear experiences which did not match intended target) were some kind of energy distortion maybe between the viewer and that target, or just the viewer period, who knows. So ok, maybe 'archetype meditations' -- normally a process to resolve problem energies -- were not the solution; because really, RV does not care about the fuller, deeper target. It just wants the bleepin data. Anything beyond that, unless it almost ensures that, is a distraction.
So when I left my last viewing cycle, I was in limbo. I want to experiment: I don't want to just accept that "when it's right it's right" and ignore that it's wrong sometimes; I want to understand WHY it's wrong. I want to fix that or at least greatly reduce its frequency.
Not that my viewing's any worse than anybody else's; percentage of target contact seems better than average if anything (and there's no brag in that because this is one of those things we appear to be helpless about, says science anyway; we get what we get). But my personality is not well suited to just accepting that a percentage of the time things go horribly wrong somewhere, and everyone just thinks that's the way it is and nobody has a clue what to do about it. People invent all kinds of tasker-dances and feedback-jigs and cool-down approaches and methodology steps and more, trying for anything that might improve accuracy or reduce inaccuracy, but the reality is, after initial 'change'-related seeming-success everything pans out to the same accuracy rate as always.
My whole career has been varying degrees and approaches to "troubleshooting". My whole personality is geared to looking for stuff like that, understanding it, and fixing it. So that my primary interest in life is nearly overwhelmed with a major problem(s) of no explanation and nobody's doing jack about it, drives me crazy!
So that's where I left things.
This morning after a talk about RV I had an insight that relates a bit to the combination of Aspect RV and Archetype RV, but I'll put that in a separate post.
.
Aspect RV ( Remote Viewing )
Back around early Fall of 1998 -- holy cow! Ten years ago exactly -- when I was still very ignorant about RV (that is to say, I was a walking encyclopedia about what the expert selling training in the field taught, which is nothing like my models and understanding of things now...) I had a rather unusual experience.
I was in the middle of an RV session when I momentarily 'spaced out' and then suddenly realized that I could hear/feel a whole big group of people talking, arguing together -- inside me. They were all me. All part of me.
This came as other "spontaneous psi" tends to come to me -- a certain category of it, anyway -- where I realize that I am seeing or hearing something but
(a) somewhat after it's already been going on, and
(b) it is not really coming through my eyes/ears though I interpret it that way, and
(c) although I call it 'seeing' or 'hearing' there is actually a lot of other kinds of information coming through, a more wholistic 'understanding', than the physical sense would have. Much like in a dream, I may know past, future, relationships, situations, 'potentials', and more, related to what I'm perceiving.
In pure astonishment, I observed this group. It was a large group of people, all separate identities, and yet I understood that they were all "part of what makes up the energy I think of as me". (I wonder, while writing this, if this is like the consortium, and maybe other groupings-of-self as well.) They were having a debate.
The debate was about a piece of data -- of energy -- for my RV session. They were debating "who got to give it to me." There was the understanding that whomever gave it to me, there was some other things involved. They were 'touching my attention' and so were getting some energy from me when that happened. They were 'expressing through me' and so were getting to express/vent some of their own energy. There was a huge sense of "political competition" between them in vying for this. We were all part of the "larger entity".
I clearly sensed male and female all over. One man was insisting that he should do it because he is usually the one who does it and I expect that. Another man was insisting that no, HE should do it because he is far more expert on this particular kind of energy (of the target data). A woman was emotionally insisting -- sounding very upset -- that she should get to do it because she almost never got to do anything with me and she really needed to. I had the clear understanding at that moment that if she were the one to give me the energy, it would be completely wrong in my world. Her "need to express" means her "translation" of that energy and her "presentation" of that energy would come through to me hugely affected by--carrying--that emotional energy that she so needed to communicate and express. I realized that I definitely did not want her giving me RV data, but also, that this was some part of myself that (in ordinary life) I unfairly ignore, repress, etc. It occurred to me that when we say things like, "... and I got to express a part of me that really needed an outlet when I took up painting" or whatever, that this might be far more literal than we realize.
The experience ended. I was baffled, and I thought about this for quite awhile. I did not attribute this to session data -- I did not doubt it -- I felt implicitly this was something real and merely an 'insight' into a degree of 'internal affairs' that I had never had before.
On thinking one night, later, about how it was like social-politics, my brain made an association: Jane Roberts had a book called "PSYCHIC POLITICS." I didn't remember if I'd read it or what it was about but certainly the Seth work touched on "Aspects" and that's what this felt like.
I hunted it down and sat down to read. It amounted to the same concept/theory. That we think of ourselves as a single entity but really we are an enormously complex, "conglomerate" blend of identities operating under a single face/body/focus. That our "surface personality" is a custom and varying %/ratio of various individual identity/focuses, ever-shifting, but with common patterns. And that those inner identities work with each other -- just like people do -- and a great deal of social politics and competition and so on was involved.
I had another experience or two with the 'perception' of the 'psychic politics' inside me, later. I might have had more, but I was so emotionally enraged about the remote viewing field and my experiences with people at that point, that I really couldn't view; even thinking of the term "RV" made my stomach hurt and made me angry and dark. So I didn't explore this much during the era when I seemed most likely to perceive that dynamic.
Many years later, I came up with an approach during RV that I called "Aspect RV." My theory was that first, if there were some aspects better qualified than others to be the ones handing me the data, I wanted to call those. But since they apparently specialized in different kinds of energy, then I wanted to call the one appropriate. But if I was doubleblind, I didn't know. So instead, I would call to parts of me -- custom created by some mix of identity-energies for my call, I was sure -- and ask it what it thought or got from the target, and then go to another. So for example, I would ask the architect, priest, CEO, songwriter, mother, policeman, rock star, etc. and it was just fascinating. It did seem to be the case that if the target were a building or 'construction' for example, that I'd be more likely to get data from an aspect geared to that. But they wouldn't give me emotional, conceptual stuff, so I'd ask for a different aspect for that. Since I knew the framework of what I was asking for, I could compare the data of say, a songwriter and architect, policeman and priest, and consider that data 'from the vantage point of' that kind of energy.
Eventually I opened it more and would say, "who volunteers to give me info?" and I would get a lot of "hands in the air" sense. I would pick one, and insist that they give me a name or I would give them a name based on how I sensed their energy -- that way, in the future, if I wanted to ask for this particular blend of aspect-energy, I could do so. (This usually came out to some silly name, like 'people-girl' or 'bouncy-blue'.) Then I would get data from them. On feedback, I would know how well they had done (or not).
So if they wanted my attention again in the future, they needed to be as accurate-for-my-reality in their presentation of that to me as possible.
You might say that I used remote viewing to introduce a "free market" to my inner conglomerate. :-) Now there was competition with market-driven result!
Eventually I realized that my aspect requests could be anything. I could request the aspects best for that target (though my results with that were not as good as I hoped frankly), or I could request MY aspect of 'abraham lincoln' and get energy about the target "through that perspective". If I sensed a target related to war or military, I could ask for "my aspect of General MacArthur" or whatever, trusting that this unique combination of energies inside me would be well suited to describing the target. (You might ask, how those inner energies know what combination to provide to best mirror MacArthur? 'Cause everything IS and they're psychic, of course! ;-))
"How" I got info seemed to depend on the aspect. For example, many of them would "act out" energy like charades, while another might give me a visual or conceptual of something. I gradually came to suspect that this was a matter of what they could provide directly based on their own energetic pattern. When they couldn't, I got charades, or analogies. When they could, I would actually see or hear or experience the target in some fashion. And some might be able to get something like say, kinesthetics, but not some other aspect. I had one aspect that I called black-humor-me that felt distinctly... alien. It was fascinating yet deeply disturbing. When I got data from that source, I felt specifically not-human. I thought of humans as "other".
I started seriously wondering if the seemingly random nature of the type of data I get and the way it comes through -- both total variables -- were actually due to the combination of the target detail and the aspect of me that was bringing this through to me. In other words, that even if the target energy or pattern or whatever was clear in me at some very core point, that the process of getting it "through my body and to my mind" seemed to be going "through" a whole group of aspects, all of whom competed to be the one to that have that communication with the surface-me and that expression of their own energy as part of it. The variety of the aspects combined with the variety of elements in a target, resulted in the process -- what data came, or didn't, how it came, whether it connected to other data, etc. -- seeming to be bewilderingly random, on my surface.
But it wasn't really random, I realized; it was merely uncontrolled. This made me laugh, because the term 'controlled' remote viewing is actually a descriptive phrase that applies to the session process (it's also used as a method-label, but in english terms it is more than that). But it definitely has never been used to relate to "controlling the myriad identities inside you that translate information for you", and the theory itself is about as far-out as they come I suppose.
I've talked about this (Aspect RV) off and on over the last six years online. I've experimented with it off and on. I have had very good results with it, but it's one of those subjects that is actually so complex that I feel like I'd need to experiment for the next century to really have a clue what's going on.
I have resisted it fiercely in cycles because I struggle to "keep things simple" in RV, which in many respects is just so important -- that things be as 'clean' as possible. Usually when someone has a theory about almost anything, it is just adding complexity that makes things less clear not more. But no matter what my intellectual self thought about it, the experience of "being a conglomerate of identities" happens -- in a thousand different ways actually -- regardless.
I had an epiphany today. But it relates to Aspect RV and Archetype RV and Archetype Meditations and so I have to document those things first as edu, and THEN talk about this morning's insight.
.
I was in the middle of an RV session when I momentarily 'spaced out' and then suddenly realized that I could hear/feel a whole big group of people talking, arguing together -- inside me. They were all me. All part of me.
This came as other "spontaneous psi" tends to come to me -- a certain category of it, anyway -- where I realize that I am seeing or hearing something but
(a) somewhat after it's already been going on, and
(b) it is not really coming through my eyes/ears though I interpret it that way, and
(c) although I call it 'seeing' or 'hearing' there is actually a lot of other kinds of information coming through, a more wholistic 'understanding', than the physical sense would have. Much like in a dream, I may know past, future, relationships, situations, 'potentials', and more, related to what I'm perceiving.
In pure astonishment, I observed this group. It was a large group of people, all separate identities, and yet I understood that they were all "part of what makes up the energy I think of as me". (I wonder, while writing this, if this is like the consortium, and maybe other groupings-of-self as well.) They were having a debate.
The debate was about a piece of data -- of energy -- for my RV session. They were debating "who got to give it to me." There was the understanding that whomever gave it to me, there was some other things involved. They were 'touching my attention' and so were getting some energy from me when that happened. They were 'expressing through me' and so were getting to express/vent some of their own energy. There was a huge sense of "political competition" between them in vying for this. We were all part of the "larger entity".
I clearly sensed male and female all over. One man was insisting that he should do it because he is usually the one who does it and I expect that. Another man was insisting that no, HE should do it because he is far more expert on this particular kind of energy (of the target data). A woman was emotionally insisting -- sounding very upset -- that she should get to do it because she almost never got to do anything with me and she really needed to. I had the clear understanding at that moment that if she were the one to give me the energy, it would be completely wrong in my world. Her "need to express" means her "translation" of that energy and her "presentation" of that energy would come through to me hugely affected by--carrying--that emotional energy that she so needed to communicate and express. I realized that I definitely did not want her giving me RV data, but also, that this was some part of myself that (in ordinary life) I unfairly ignore, repress, etc. It occurred to me that when we say things like, "... and I got to express a part of me that really needed an outlet when I took up painting" or whatever, that this might be far more literal than we realize.
The experience ended. I was baffled, and I thought about this for quite awhile. I did not attribute this to session data -- I did not doubt it -- I felt implicitly this was something real and merely an 'insight' into a degree of 'internal affairs' that I had never had before.
On thinking one night, later, about how it was like social-politics, my brain made an association: Jane Roberts had a book called "PSYCHIC POLITICS." I didn't remember if I'd read it or what it was about but certainly the Seth work touched on "Aspects" and that's what this felt like.
I hunted it down and sat down to read. It amounted to the same concept/theory. That we think of ourselves as a single entity but really we are an enormously complex, "conglomerate" blend of identities operating under a single face/body/focus. That our "surface personality" is a custom and varying %/ratio of various individual identity/focuses, ever-shifting, but with common patterns. And that those inner identities work with each other -- just like people do -- and a great deal of social politics and competition and so on was involved.
I had another experience or two with the 'perception' of the 'psychic politics' inside me, later. I might have had more, but I was so emotionally enraged about the remote viewing field and my experiences with people at that point, that I really couldn't view; even thinking of the term "RV" made my stomach hurt and made me angry and dark. So I didn't explore this much during the era when I seemed most likely to perceive that dynamic.
Many years later, I came up with an approach during RV that I called "Aspect RV." My theory was that first, if there were some aspects better qualified than others to be the ones handing me the data, I wanted to call those. But since they apparently specialized in different kinds of energy, then I wanted to call the one appropriate. But if I was doubleblind, I didn't know. So instead, I would call to parts of me -- custom created by some mix of identity-energies for my call, I was sure -- and ask it what it thought or got from the target, and then go to another. So for example, I would ask the architect, priest, CEO, songwriter, mother, policeman, rock star, etc. and it was just fascinating. It did seem to be the case that if the target were a building or 'construction' for example, that I'd be more likely to get data from an aspect geared to that. But they wouldn't give me emotional, conceptual stuff, so I'd ask for a different aspect for that. Since I knew the framework of what I was asking for, I could compare the data of say, a songwriter and architect, policeman and priest, and consider that data 'from the vantage point of' that kind of energy.
Eventually I opened it more and would say, "who volunteers to give me info?" and I would get a lot of "hands in the air" sense. I would pick one, and insist that they give me a name or I would give them a name based on how I sensed their energy -- that way, in the future, if I wanted to ask for this particular blend of aspect-energy, I could do so. (This usually came out to some silly name, like 'people-girl' or 'bouncy-blue'.) Then I would get data from them. On feedback, I would know how well they had done (or not).
So if they wanted my attention again in the future, they needed to be as accurate-for-my-reality in their presentation of that to me as possible.
You might say that I used remote viewing to introduce a "free market" to my inner conglomerate. :-) Now there was competition with market-driven result!
Eventually I realized that my aspect requests could be anything. I could request the aspects best for that target (though my results with that were not as good as I hoped frankly), or I could request MY aspect of 'abraham lincoln' and get energy about the target "through that perspective". If I sensed a target related to war or military, I could ask for "my aspect of General MacArthur" or whatever, trusting that this unique combination of energies inside me would be well suited to describing the target. (You might ask, how those inner energies know what combination to provide to best mirror MacArthur? 'Cause everything IS and they're psychic, of course! ;-))
"How" I got info seemed to depend on the aspect. For example, many of them would "act out" energy like charades, while another might give me a visual or conceptual of something. I gradually came to suspect that this was a matter of what they could provide directly based on their own energetic pattern. When they couldn't, I got charades, or analogies. When they could, I would actually see or hear or experience the target in some fashion. And some might be able to get something like say, kinesthetics, but not some other aspect. I had one aspect that I called black-humor-me that felt distinctly... alien. It was fascinating yet deeply disturbing. When I got data from that source, I felt specifically not-human. I thought of humans as "other".
I started seriously wondering if the seemingly random nature of the type of data I get and the way it comes through -- both total variables -- were actually due to the combination of the target detail and the aspect of me that was bringing this through to me. In other words, that even if the target energy or pattern or whatever was clear in me at some very core point, that the process of getting it "through my body and to my mind" seemed to be going "through" a whole group of aspects, all of whom competed to be the one to that have that communication with the surface-me and that expression of their own energy as part of it. The variety of the aspects combined with the variety of elements in a target, resulted in the process -- what data came, or didn't, how it came, whether it connected to other data, etc. -- seeming to be bewilderingly random, on my surface.
But it wasn't really random, I realized; it was merely uncontrolled. This made me laugh, because the term 'controlled' remote viewing is actually a descriptive phrase that applies to the session process (it's also used as a method-label, but in english terms it is more than that). But it definitely has never been used to relate to "controlling the myriad identities inside you that translate information for you", and the theory itself is about as far-out as they come I suppose.
I've talked about this (Aspect RV) off and on over the last six years online. I've experimented with it off and on. I have had very good results with it, but it's one of those subjects that is actually so complex that I feel like I'd need to experiment for the next century to really have a clue what's going on.
I have resisted it fiercely in cycles because I struggle to "keep things simple" in RV, which in many respects is just so important -- that things be as 'clean' as possible. Usually when someone has a theory about almost anything, it is just adding complexity that makes things less clear not more. But no matter what my intellectual self thought about it, the experience of "being a conglomerate of identities" happens -- in a thousand different ways actually -- regardless.
I had an epiphany today. But it relates to Aspect RV and Archetype RV and Archetype Meditations and so I have to document those things first as edu, and THEN talk about this morning's insight.
.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Knight of Wands, part 2
My boyfriend and I talked about it. The previous meditation had been so hard. Moreso later, oddly enough; during the meditation it was horror and nausea. But hours later, in a brief prayer for more help, I found myself sobbing uncontrollably about it. It must have touched something raw.
I said I wished I could ask for ... fewer 'representatives'. Why couldn't quantity be represented by intensity, or complexity, or something like that, something more reasonable for me to deal with. It's happened before, after all. But I felt maybe it would be rude, since the numbers had been given me seemingly on purpose. My BF argued this. "Maybe the point was only to convey scope," he suggested, to paraphrase. I thought about this for awhile a bit later. Why not at least ASK what could be done to make it do-able? For that matter, why not do a pre-meditation stage where I went and asked for help from every source I could think of?
The last part's what sold me. I imagined The Four helping me. And my body techs. And my actual guides and the consortium and the indistinct but numerous guides I perceive shadowy on my plateau. And the GWBMAT I called last time. And a religious entity -- or ten. And all of my powerful archetypes. Come on, how could I not succeed with all that power behind me? With The Four I already feel I can do anything. With "everything" helping like that... what wouldn't be possible?
So I did it. I turned on my 'brain' playlist, which has a dozen bineural-tech selections, all voiceless mixes except one generic one; mostly Wave VI from HemiSync and a few from BrainSync. I gave it time while I did other things quietly, letting myself pick up the altered state.
Then I went through my inner space and asked for literally everybody one at a time, a group at a time. And IG added every planet in our solar system to the archetype mix (as well as moon) to help me. And eventually when I had nearly everybody I could think of, sans a few religious entities I didn't ask, I imagined that I was in the middle of the archetype working area and I started to imagine that I was centered and that they would all be around or behind me.
But the minute I was done and imagined myself centered, this unbelievable RUSH hit me, and I gasped out loud and my eyes flew open, and just as I was getting over that another wave of rush hit me, every hair on my body standing up and the buzzing all through me, then several more smaller but still fairly intense waves crashing into me one right after the other, and I could feel clearly that all of those energies were joining me, merging WITH me, all at once, though staggered in waves. When done I just sat blinking for a minute. I hadn't expected that.
I asked the man of the archetype if we could have fewer representatives. He vanished himself and all the beds vanished and then before me, four people appeared. Each one seemed to be significantly odd in some way, as if it were the summary of a certain kind of energy. I went to the one on the far right and 'began'.
Along with having a face a lot like a monkey, when I went around the back of the arch, it was hollowed out. It was missing in the most horrible way, as if burned out into a shell. So the front seemed ok but the back, in every part of the body, had been sort of hollowed out. I was reminded from a scene in a movie that marked me when I was a little girl, from 'The Hindenburg', where near the end there is this guy who seems ok and actually answers a question, then pitches forward and you realize that his whole back/torso has been burned out. I had the impression that this archetype had this quality but that the quality of each of these "pieces" of the arch would be significantly different.
Dealing with it was easier said than done, though I have no words to describe a certain intensity or depth that made it different than the surface description sums up.
Unfortunately by the time I reached that point I had been meditating awhile and had gotten so altered state and so heavy into it that I was starting to lose traction on the autonomy. I felt that my intent and many of the identities now part of me for the cause, were still driving it, despite that I would need to come back consciously and finish. I lost conscious control at some point and memory beyond that, although I feel some things happened later.
I'll go back. I think I can do this, and it will work out, though it is not easy to understate it. I am relieved to think it is possible. I had seriously questioned if it were even do-able for me. I think it is.
I said I wished I could ask for ... fewer 'representatives'. Why couldn't quantity be represented by intensity, or complexity, or something like that, something more reasonable for me to deal with. It's happened before, after all. But I felt maybe it would be rude, since the numbers had been given me seemingly on purpose. My BF argued this. "Maybe the point was only to convey scope," he suggested, to paraphrase. I thought about this for awhile a bit later. Why not at least ASK what could be done to make it do-able? For that matter, why not do a pre-meditation stage where I went and asked for help from every source I could think of?
The last part's what sold me. I imagined The Four helping me. And my body techs. And my actual guides and the consortium and the indistinct but numerous guides I perceive shadowy on my plateau. And the GWBMAT I called last time. And a religious entity -- or ten. And all of my powerful archetypes. Come on, how could I not succeed with all that power behind me? With The Four I already feel I can do anything. With "everything" helping like that... what wouldn't be possible?
So I did it. I turned on my 'brain' playlist, which has a dozen bineural-tech selections, all voiceless mixes except one generic one; mostly Wave VI from HemiSync and a few from BrainSync. I gave it time while I did other things quietly, letting myself pick up the altered state.
Then I went through my inner space and asked for literally everybody one at a time, a group at a time. And IG added every planet in our solar system to the archetype mix (as well as moon) to help me. And eventually when I had nearly everybody I could think of, sans a few religious entities I didn't ask, I imagined that I was in the middle of the archetype working area and I started to imagine that I was centered and that they would all be around or behind me.
But the minute I was done and imagined myself centered, this unbelievable RUSH hit me, and I gasped out loud and my eyes flew open, and just as I was getting over that another wave of rush hit me, every hair on my body standing up and the buzzing all through me, then several more smaller but still fairly intense waves crashing into me one right after the other, and I could feel clearly that all of those energies were joining me, merging WITH me, all at once, though staggered in waves. When done I just sat blinking for a minute. I hadn't expected that.
I asked the man of the archetype if we could have fewer representatives. He vanished himself and all the beds vanished and then before me, four people appeared. Each one seemed to be significantly odd in some way, as if it were the summary of a certain kind of energy. I went to the one on the far right and 'began'.
Along with having a face a lot like a monkey, when I went around the back of the arch, it was hollowed out. It was missing in the most horrible way, as if burned out into a shell. So the front seemed ok but the back, in every part of the body, had been sort of hollowed out. I was reminded from a scene in a movie that marked me when I was a little girl, from 'The Hindenburg', where near the end there is this guy who seems ok and actually answers a question, then pitches forward and you realize that his whole back/torso has been burned out. I had the impression that this archetype had this quality but that the quality of each of these "pieces" of the arch would be significantly different.
Dealing with it was easier said than done, though I have no words to describe a certain intensity or depth that made it different than the surface description sums up.
Unfortunately by the time I reached that point I had been meditating awhile and had gotten so altered state and so heavy into it that I was starting to lose traction on the autonomy. I felt that my intent and many of the identities now part of me for the cause, were still driving it, despite that I would need to come back consciously and finish. I lost conscious control at some point and memory beyond that, although I feel some things happened later.
I'll go back. I think I can do this, and it will work out, though it is not easy to understate it. I am relieved to think it is possible. I had seriously questioned if it were even do-able for me. I think it is.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Knight of Wands, part 1
I should have known it wouldn't be easy.
It has been days since I meditated. I tried a few times and fell asleep. And I didn't try more times than that. Some part of me inside has been freaking out about my losing the consistency of it when it seems to be working well. Some other part of me has been freaking out period and trying to avoid everything about the subject. I realize that there are parts of me that want to slow things down and adjust, but I don't really care. I WANT to work through some of this stuff, and I'm already too freakin old, I don't need to wait another year or ten of life before I deal with it. So last night, around more avoidance-evasion efforts than you would believe, I forced myself into meditation.
First I touched base with Bolehren, Taan and Nero.
Then I told IG that it was time: I wanted to work on the Knight of Wands archetype. I knew already from the tiniest exposure that somehow this was tied into my childhood and that I was likely to react physically to it, but I was ready.
It took a dozen attempts to bring my attention back before I could even partly see it. It was a bizarre chaos of visual collage. It was somehow huge and small, pink and black, there was blood and wounds, it was a monster, it was a cartoon, it was somehow a thousand things at once. I closed my inner eyes and just spent awhile imagining the 'rain of love' in a monsoon on us, and then the 'light of love', and then the 'wind of love' which blew off a lot of 'pieces' here and there, some that seemed to come from inside it, and then a sort of clear thick 'chemical of love' that first slightly numbed and then disinfected and then rinsed clean. It took awhile for all that (especially since my mind was frantically trying to escape to any possible universe that did not involve dealing with this).
Near the end of the chem rinsing I realized that for a few moments I had been seeing and looking at -- without consciously noticing -- something. It reminded me of sometimes when you get chakra visuals or sounds and you're oblivious to them and suddenly your awareness throws up a flag that your eyes are seeing one thing and your 'other eyes' are seeing something completely different. I suddenly paid attention again and realized everything had vanished to be replaced by two things: a man standing in front of me, and a really huge "hospital ward" filled with populated beds that started about a hundred yards back. Except although it was definitely a 'hospital ward' it was outside with us.
I looked at the man.
"How can I possibly heal all these people?" I asked him, feeling overwhelmed by the sheer quantity of them and the sense even from a distance that the wounds were grievous.
"Only you can do it," he observed with a shrug.
I walked over to the nearest bed. My body abreacted wildly and I forced my attention to stay there. On the bed was a person, I couldn't even tell gender. Their body was on its side. The torso was opened up with a perfectly round hole, and all their guts were sort of "formed" into a semi-stiff shape that stuck straight out of them, like all the intestines had been fashioned into a blunt club of sorts. I felt revulsion through my whole body and shuddered. I looked at the head, which was turned so the face was mostly face-up. The eyes were slightly filmed over and still. I felt sick and nauseated. I backed off from the bed in disgust and looked back at the man.
Me: Oh my god. That one is dead.
Him: No, not dead. None of them are dead.
I looked back at the bed with a dawning idea. "How long have they been in that condition?" I whispered, starting to feel some degree of horror.
"Time is perceptual," he said, and I understood he meant, not real and not relevant to this question, but I also understood that these are old... generally these are not energies from any time near the present in my life.
I tried to see the far end of the hospital beds filled with bloody people. There were too many to count, and as I turned to ask the man about it, into my head came the understanding (I think from IG) that this was 'representative'; there were vastly more where these came from, but they were representing all the others. I wondered if each one of these represented some event of my childhood. Would I find a thousand bodies that resulted from a stepmom slamming my head against the wall repeatedly in her rage? A few hundred from a body covered with deep welts from the belt, conveniently that didn't show outside my clothes? Maybe one really mutilated body for the time I missed christmas and got slapped across the face about 120 times until I had a 3" black-purple bruise with blood blisters down my face, and got my presents given me the next May (when I got in trouble for not being excited enough to get them)?
The sense of overwhelm came back. I realized I couldn't possibly deal with this many things. I mean, it takes a bit to deal with even ONE archetypal piece; I would be meditating on horror every night for the next five years to get through that! I can't do it. I can't begin to do it. It's too much.
I walked away from the beds and back toward IG, and then I had an idea and turned around. I called 'The Great White Brotherhood Medical Assistance Team' that I'd heard referenced some, and that despite its rather silly name I had reason to believe was an identity-set that really did work with people in my world if requested. I told them, I know you guys are normally requested for medical stuff and this is probably psyche stuff, despite the medical archetypes. But surely you can deal with this or find me the kind of identities who can help me. Please, you've got to help me heal this stuff, it's too much for me.
And I left. I will go back. But I can't begin to do that alone. I've never had an archetype that I felt so completely overwhelmed by.
I should probably make my next few archetype meditations on the ones I love, like Responsibility and Sun.
It has been days since I meditated. I tried a few times and fell asleep. And I didn't try more times than that. Some part of me inside has been freaking out about my losing the consistency of it when it seems to be working well. Some other part of me has been freaking out period and trying to avoid everything about the subject. I realize that there are parts of me that want to slow things down and adjust, but I don't really care. I WANT to work through some of this stuff, and I'm already too freakin old, I don't need to wait another year or ten of life before I deal with it. So last night, around more avoidance-evasion efforts than you would believe, I forced myself into meditation.
First I touched base with Bolehren, Taan and Nero.
Then I told IG that it was time: I wanted to work on the Knight of Wands archetype. I knew already from the tiniest exposure that somehow this was tied into my childhood and that I was likely to react physically to it, but I was ready.
It took a dozen attempts to bring my attention back before I could even partly see it. It was a bizarre chaos of visual collage. It was somehow huge and small, pink and black, there was blood and wounds, it was a monster, it was a cartoon, it was somehow a thousand things at once. I closed my inner eyes and just spent awhile imagining the 'rain of love' in a monsoon on us, and then the 'light of love', and then the 'wind of love' which blew off a lot of 'pieces' here and there, some that seemed to come from inside it, and then a sort of clear thick 'chemical of love' that first slightly numbed and then disinfected and then rinsed clean. It took awhile for all that (especially since my mind was frantically trying to escape to any possible universe that did not involve dealing with this).
Near the end of the chem rinsing I realized that for a few moments I had been seeing and looking at -- without consciously noticing -- something. It reminded me of sometimes when you get chakra visuals or sounds and you're oblivious to them and suddenly your awareness throws up a flag that your eyes are seeing one thing and your 'other eyes' are seeing something completely different. I suddenly paid attention again and realized everything had vanished to be replaced by two things: a man standing in front of me, and a really huge "hospital ward" filled with populated beds that started about a hundred yards back. Except although it was definitely a 'hospital ward' it was outside with us.
I looked at the man.
"How can I possibly heal all these people?" I asked him, feeling overwhelmed by the sheer quantity of them and the sense even from a distance that the wounds were grievous.
"Only you can do it," he observed with a shrug.
I walked over to the nearest bed. My body abreacted wildly and I forced my attention to stay there. On the bed was a person, I couldn't even tell gender. Their body was on its side. The torso was opened up with a perfectly round hole, and all their guts were sort of "formed" into a semi-stiff shape that stuck straight out of them, like all the intestines had been fashioned into a blunt club of sorts. I felt revulsion through my whole body and shuddered. I looked at the head, which was turned so the face was mostly face-up. The eyes were slightly filmed over and still. I felt sick and nauseated. I backed off from the bed in disgust and looked back at the man.
Me: Oh my god. That one is dead.
Him: No, not dead. None of them are dead.
I looked back at the bed with a dawning idea. "How long have they been in that condition?" I whispered, starting to feel some degree of horror.
"Time is perceptual," he said, and I understood he meant, not real and not relevant to this question, but I also understood that these are old... generally these are not energies from any time near the present in my life.
I tried to see the far end of the hospital beds filled with bloody people. There were too many to count, and as I turned to ask the man about it, into my head came the understanding (I think from IG) that this was 'representative'; there were vastly more where these came from, but they were representing all the others. I wondered if each one of these represented some event of my childhood. Would I find a thousand bodies that resulted from a stepmom slamming my head against the wall repeatedly in her rage? A few hundred from a body covered with deep welts from the belt, conveniently that didn't show outside my clothes? Maybe one really mutilated body for the time I missed christmas and got slapped across the face about 120 times until I had a 3" black-purple bruise with blood blisters down my face, and got my presents given me the next May (when I got in trouble for not being excited enough to get them)?
The sense of overwhelm came back. I realized I couldn't possibly deal with this many things. I mean, it takes a bit to deal with even ONE archetypal piece; I would be meditating on horror every night for the next five years to get through that! I can't do it. I can't begin to do it. It's too much.
I walked away from the beds and back toward IG, and then I had an idea and turned around. I called 'The Great White Brotherhood Medical Assistance Team' that I'd heard referenced some, and that despite its rather silly name I had reason to believe was an identity-set that really did work with people in my world if requested. I told them, I know you guys are normally requested for medical stuff and this is probably psyche stuff, despite the medical archetypes. But surely you can deal with this or find me the kind of identities who can help me. Please, you've got to help me heal this stuff, it's too much for me.
And I left. I will go back. But I can't begin to do that alone. I've never had an archetype that I felt so completely overwhelmed by.
I should probably make my next few archetype meditations on the ones I love, like Responsibility and Sun.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Guerilla Tarot
I was reading a blog entry here:
http://blog.lavacocktail.com/2008/09/14/guerilla-tarot.aspx
where the author suggested we try to use tarot for remote influence, with such charming ideas as
Fwiw (I try to save my 'comments' on stuff somewhere), my comment:
http://blog.lavacocktail.com/2008/09/14/guerilla-tarot.aspx
where the author suggested we try to use tarot for remote influence, with such charming ideas as
...send the Empress into Palin's neo-cortex and see what happens or The Devil into McCain's limbic brain to see if there's a vibrational match. Have the Fool stimulate Karl Rove's pineal gland and enjoy the show!
So maybe we can blame the conservatives on the liberals LOLOLOL.
Anyway along the way, the article itself said:
I suggest, in order to mature the Tarot deck into the next millenium, that not only all of its characters and symbols, from the Ace of Cups to the King of Pentacles, be infused with our life energy but that they be animated as well, as if they were participating in a cartoon of our own making.
Fwiw (I try to save my 'comments' on stuff somewhere), my comment:
I got a kick out of the idea that tarot "be infused with our life energy but that they be animated as well, as if they were participating in a cartoon of our own making." Tarot is ALREADY exactly that! It's a concept-map of the experiential universe. (Probably the best work on it is from Crowley and Edwin Steinbrecher, in this regard.) You might wish to consider testing out Steinbrecher's internal-yoga meditative approach; definitely the cards "map to" and associate with (frankly, whether we want them to or not) the energies in our existing world.
Windows and Synchronicity
I'm sure getting a lot more offbeat overlay-visuals than I used to. Normally I get a little sound that way, though I only notice it when I pay attention. Sometimes it's imagination; sometimes it seems like reality-overlay. But I seem to be doing it more with visuals lately.
For example I'll be thinking, or doing something, and suddenly a very vivid visual so affects me because for a moment I think it's real. If I had time with it I would realize it weren't real but usually the first impact of it startles me and pulls me out of experiencing it.
Today I was nearly asleep when, like a mini-dream, on this street that I visited yesterday in another city, I was walking near the corner, when around the corner incredibly fast came (of all things) a modern train and it ran right into me -- or at least, the total shock of the fact that I was suddenly being hit by a modern train was so severe that I literally leapt up in defense-panic reaction just at the instant when it would have done so.
***
Last night I finished an archmed I'd let IG choose previously. I'd worked on something until it split into 5 parts and each part had its own issues. I'm trying to remember them now. That's why I have to blog this stuff immediately, 'cause it falls out of my head otherwise!
There was one that had these long cone-shaped black rubber bullet-like inserts all over his body especially in his palms, feet, head, etc. He said that was to keep him from feeling in those areas. There was another that had some terrible abscess-boils on his head that went impossibly deep. There was another that kept shaking his head like a cat that gets fur stuck in its mouth. He said he had a bad taste and kept trying to wash it out. There was one that had some metal... something in front of it. We unwound all the molecules and then remade it into a flying carpet. I forget the other. I worked with each of them until it was through.
I am overdue for getting to my Knight of Wands tarot archetype meditation and the next session from the archmed that sparked that. I've started listening to some bineural-beat stuff. I had really forgotten how if you're not used to it, some of that can just knock you out cold! Actually I think any given 'focus level' can if you're not used to it and it's got a dominance of theta or a good dose of delta. Anyway so several times I've been snoring instead of meditating, but I'm sure that will pass.
***
I've been doing a new brief visualization though. For days I have just been in a vastly better mood about everything. I was talking at-large to all-guides one day while driving, thinking that I wanted them to help me any way they chose to, and then I wanted to "clear out doubt or attachment to reality" and "let go" so they could operate freely. I had this visual-concept of like a big sphere like a snowglobe. Except each tiny piece of snow was actually a guide "aspect of me", and I was at the center, and all of us together were a sort of galazy. I imagined that I released any grungy dark matter between all the stars that were me, and that my whole personal solar system / galaxy / whatever, was really clean and free. It seems to work ok, as a 1-second meditative concept. :-)
On the 13th I was overcome by this desire to DO something about my windows. For 8 years in this house I have mostly ignored the windows. The kid is missing a curtain; the back room has a curtain duck-taped on because the curtain rod fell; the other window is missing one; the side-front and kitchen window and kitchen door are all missing them; I had the day to myself and was planning to come home and sleep. When I got home I felt absolutely wired and driven to FIX THIS. I wondered why I cared, really, if I hadn't cared much until now, not that I don't think it's relevent, just that you know, there are limited things to spend money on. But I felt very powerfully that this was a really powerful and profound thing in a Feng Shui sense, and that some messed-up energy had resolved in me which was reflected in that, and now the outer world had to be resolved to match, or it would have internal effects.
So I went and spent way too much money--even though on cheap stuff at WalMart, my little city's only real store!--and got rods, blinds, sheers, and curtains (depending) for every one of the 13 windows in the house. For the first time EVER, when I am asleep, I am actually IN THE DARK, not having light shining in through and around the semi-curtains I had. For the first time, every window looks decent. For the first time, we actually have privacy, and don't have to worry about running into the kitchen when half-naked for example. It's very cool. I don't fully understand why it was so needed but I am trusting my intuition that it really was.
Meanwhile, on that day, I spent a very long time shopping, and it was hilarious how "synchronicity" had amped-up. I almost couldn't think positively of anything without it falling right to hand. Every quantity I needed of something was exactly how much they had (and often not at first but I'd think, "Oh, I needed two more!" or something and then I'd slightly turn my head and right there would be exactly two more). By the end of the day it was just funny. I haven't had synchronicity work like that for me in a good 15 years.
After my inspiration-overwhelm, but before my shopping spree, I stopped by the hair salon. Once a year I get my useless hair chopped off just above the shoulders. This time I had a stripe of gold and a stripe of red-violet put in it, and left a little bit for a tri-colored braid, THEN had the 8" chopped off it. I was happy mostly because it is the first time I've really felt like doing something for ME in a very, very long time. I mean something that related to how I looked and felt about myself. I would have gotten a manicure but they were busy. Frankly I would have gotten a tattoo if there'd been a parlor near LOL! What a day!
My birthday (14th) went fine. I got a few gifts from a few folks though my favorite was the constellation card from a friend and the message-in-a-bottle love letter from my boyfriend. Me and Ry went out to Olive Garden and ate enough carbs (and gluten) to keel over from... damn it was so good. Must return to MEAT=FOOD soon here, though!
PJ
For example I'll be thinking, or doing something, and suddenly a very vivid visual so affects me because for a moment I think it's real. If I had time with it I would realize it weren't real but usually the first impact of it startles me and pulls me out of experiencing it.
Today I was nearly asleep when, like a mini-dream, on this street that I visited yesterday in another city, I was walking near the corner, when around the corner incredibly fast came (of all things) a modern train and it ran right into me -- or at least, the total shock of the fact that I was suddenly being hit by a modern train was so severe that I literally leapt up in defense-panic reaction just at the instant when it would have done so.
***
Last night I finished an archmed I'd let IG choose previously. I'd worked on something until it split into 5 parts and each part had its own issues. I'm trying to remember them now. That's why I have to blog this stuff immediately, 'cause it falls out of my head otherwise!
There was one that had these long cone-shaped black rubber bullet-like inserts all over his body especially in his palms, feet, head, etc. He said that was to keep him from feeling in those areas. There was another that had some terrible abscess-boils on his head that went impossibly deep. There was another that kept shaking his head like a cat that gets fur stuck in its mouth. He said he had a bad taste and kept trying to wash it out. There was one that had some metal... something in front of it. We unwound all the molecules and then remade it into a flying carpet. I forget the other. I worked with each of them until it was through.
I am overdue for getting to my Knight of Wands tarot archetype meditation and the next session from the archmed that sparked that. I've started listening to some bineural-beat stuff. I had really forgotten how if you're not used to it, some of that can just knock you out cold! Actually I think any given 'focus level' can if you're not used to it and it's got a dominance of theta or a good dose of delta. Anyway so several times I've been snoring instead of meditating, but I'm sure that will pass.
***
I've been doing a new brief visualization though. For days I have just been in a vastly better mood about everything. I was talking at-large to all-guides one day while driving, thinking that I wanted them to help me any way they chose to, and then I wanted to "clear out doubt or attachment to reality" and "let go" so they could operate freely. I had this visual-concept of like a big sphere like a snowglobe. Except each tiny piece of snow was actually a guide "aspect of me", and I was at the center, and all of us together were a sort of galazy. I imagined that I released any grungy dark matter between all the stars that were me, and that my whole personal solar system / galaxy / whatever, was really clean and free. It seems to work ok, as a 1-second meditative concept. :-)
On the 13th I was overcome by this desire to DO something about my windows. For 8 years in this house I have mostly ignored the windows. The kid is missing a curtain; the back room has a curtain duck-taped on because the curtain rod fell; the other window is missing one; the side-front and kitchen window and kitchen door are all missing them; I had the day to myself and was planning to come home and sleep. When I got home I felt absolutely wired and driven to FIX THIS. I wondered why I cared, really, if I hadn't cared much until now, not that I don't think it's relevent, just that you know, there are limited things to spend money on. But I felt very powerfully that this was a really powerful and profound thing in a Feng Shui sense, and that some messed-up energy had resolved in me which was reflected in that, and now the outer world had to be resolved to match, or it would have internal effects.
So I went and spent way too much money--even though on cheap stuff at WalMart, my little city's only real store!--and got rods, blinds, sheers, and curtains (depending) for every one of the 13 windows in the house. For the first time EVER, when I am asleep, I am actually IN THE DARK, not having light shining in through and around the semi-curtains I had. For the first time, every window looks decent. For the first time, we actually have privacy, and don't have to worry about running into the kitchen when half-naked for example. It's very cool. I don't fully understand why it was so needed but I am trusting my intuition that it really was.
Meanwhile, on that day, I spent a very long time shopping, and it was hilarious how "synchronicity" had amped-up. I almost couldn't think positively of anything without it falling right to hand. Every quantity I needed of something was exactly how much they had (and often not at first but I'd think, "Oh, I needed two more!" or something and then I'd slightly turn my head and right there would be exactly two more). By the end of the day it was just funny. I haven't had synchronicity work like that for me in a good 15 years.
After my inspiration-overwhelm, but before my shopping spree, I stopped by the hair salon. Once a year I get my useless hair chopped off just above the shoulders. This time I had a stripe of gold and a stripe of red-violet put in it, and left a little bit for a tri-colored braid, THEN had the 8" chopped off it. I was happy mostly because it is the first time I've really felt like doing something for ME in a very, very long time. I mean something that related to how I looked and felt about myself. I would have gotten a manicure but they were busy. Frankly I would have gotten a tattoo if there'd been a parlor near LOL! What a day!
My birthday (14th) went fine. I got a few gifts from a few folks though my favorite was the constellation card from a friend and the message-in-a-bottle love letter from my boyfriend. Me and Ry went out to Olive Garden and ate enough carbs (and gluten) to keel over from... damn it was so good. Must return to MEAT=FOOD soon here, though!
PJ
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Morning Pics
My hair is eight inches shorter suddenly. My head feels so light! This is my birthday fling -- short hair! I just took this a bit ago -- so it is first thing in the morning, still sitting in bed with my laptop, no makeup, be warned!
I tried to catch some of the color on the side a little better:
Didn't work so well though! I only have a bad webcam/celcam and I think I need a separate person to really get a good shot of the color stripes and braid. Maybe I can get one from my dad later today.
The hurricane-rainoff that was supposed to hit us swerved right -- just as I asked it to, I might add ;-) -- so I might go to Joplin today after all. We'll see!
PJ
I tried to catch some of the color on the side a little better:
Didn't work so well though! I only have a bad webcam/celcam and I think I need a separate person to really get a good shot of the color stripes and braid. Maybe I can get one from my dad later today.
The hurricane-rainoff that was supposed to hit us swerved right -- just as I asked it to, I might add ;-) -- so I might go to Joplin today after all. We'll see!
PJ
Friday, September 12, 2008
Not Quite the Golden Horse
A quote from this blog on Sep 4 (meditation was the 3rd evening):
I want to have stuff that works. If it's not willing to work, I want it to move out of my life and be replaced by something that does. But wait, wait! I hate the timing issues on this stuff. Move in something that does work at the SAME time or very immediately after if that's going to happen!
At that time, my car had a problem with the heat/AC. The heating fan wasn't turning on like it should. I wanted to get it fixed but didn't have the money. Hoped I could spare it from my paycheck in a week (that's today).
Several days ago I got notice that the changed fiscal year of my company meant we were going to get our bonuses on the 12th. Yay! Mine was more than I had expected. Not that I don't have 10x the "needs" of it, of course!
A few days ago my car ran out of water. Shortly after, it ran out of water and the temp light came on. I had already arranged to get the heater fan worked on today. This morning trying to get it there, the temp light came on again.
The head gasket is blown. It's a side-mounted aluminum engine (cad 1988, my parents gave it to me 4 years ago when Jiffy Lube killed my truck). The mechanic said, "You can't replace 'em in these, I've tried, they don't even stay, it's a waste. It ain't even worth the money to fix it. I recommend you get rid of it and work out something else."
So it took... 9 days, before my car "MOVED OUT OF MY LIFE" -- literally on THE VERY DAY when I got a larger block of money than I've had in a couple years.
I grant... I have other things I want to spend it on! But the point is... well... usually archmed results happen in about a week -- this is a bit late for a specific meditation, but then I haven't been really hard core altered state for them either. I don't know what I'm going to do about a vehicle. I feel like if I buy something within 2-3K I'm just going to have to spend that much more replacing the transmission and engine--people who are poor, who have the kind of cars I can afford, don't give away cars until they're ready to die, I know that. I'm trying to get the phone# of a guy named Dan who is a master mechanic around here, has a day job, but thought I'd see if I could offer to pay him cash under the table to work on my truck, a flex schedule, and rebuild that engine (to me, the truck is worth saving, the car isn't).
And for the weekend I've rented (thanks to my bonus check!) the only full-size car (not a truck because The Mother Of All Storms is hitting tomorrow night and I don't want to be driving a truck on the highway in high wind and rain!) in my small town, and it's a beautiful dark red Chevy Magnum -- very nice, I totally love it.
It is not exactly the golden talking horse of my meditation. And I can't afford it for more than 4 days (barely at that). But it's awesome to have for a little while! And it looks like my car is a paperweight, so... that's one energy down!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
