I'd been talking on the phone to LD, and she was supposed to be sleeping beside me, having negotiated her way into a night in mama's bed, but really she was just faking it, listening to my conversation. The minute I hung up and prepared to sleep, my eyes closing as I thankfully began to relax, she popped up from her pillow all bright and chipper, insisting I tell her everything about whatever I'd been talking about.
The more I assured her that archetype meditations were a little bit subtle, complex, and probably better for adults as a result, the more steely her resolve became that I had to explain it to her. In detail. Right now. Or else. "Or else" I wouldn't get any sleep was obviously the first reality, so I decided to explain it to her as best I could, since in theory, about 60 seconds of this was likely to put her in a moderate theta snore anyway.
First I told her about creating one's "sacred space". Then I talked about adding the cave and the left- right- left- sequence and she says, "I can't even keep right and left straight in real life mom, I'll never keep it straight in a world in my head!" I realized this was probably true and I said well, you can just do these in your sacred space if you want. I prefer to have a little place just for them but you don't have to." (I've had it work, so, I guess it can.)
Then I told her about inner guide. She said she wanted to meet hers. She INSISTED. So she sat up and I had her breathe deeply a few times and then I walked her through creating that sacred space (hers: a garden setting, surrounded by water vapor like is around waterfalls, that is every color of the rainbow). Then I told her to go ahead and ask for her inner guide. Bear in mind here we are NOT religious...
Ry: He looks kinda like jesus.
Me: Some men do I suppose. Does that feel right?
Ry: I asked him his true form, and I suddenly saw really clearly this pink flamingo, like a picture shown me, then it vanished.
Me: So... your IG is a guy who looks like Jesus but also can be a Pink Flamingo...
Ry: Apparently. Do I talk to, um, Jesus?
Me: Call him IG. I suspect you associate that role with Jesus and that might be why he looks like that for you. Sure, talk to him.
Then I told her about meeting archetypes, and working with them to heal or fix or interact or whatever. I tried to explain how unique every instance is and how there were simply no limits to what could BE an archetype, nor to what an archetype could BE when you meet them. I explained the trading some energy-construct, and that being intuitive as well, and attempting to merge if it felt possible. I attempted to make clear that what an arch behaves like and looks like is not so much about that energy as about "her relationship with that energy" and as that improved, the arch would improve. I told her most primary archs were good relationships already. (She then revealed to me that she has always had a deep and abiding fascination and love for the planet Pluto, she has no idea why. I swear, sometimes kids say the oddest things at unexpected times.)
She insisted on being able to meet one. I told her the planets, astrology signs and all tarot symbols were "the primaries" and we could start with her "Sun" as that is usually a really positive, powerful arch. So we walked through the process -- I only provided a couple words of guidance here and there, and when she felt like it, she would tell me what came before. Her sun was a golden eagle, really big, very gold in color but a real bird. She petted it and said it was super soft. It gave her a boot (she laughed at how bizarre that was) and put it in her solar plexus (that confused her as she thought maybe she should put it on until then). She said she felt around inside for what to give it, and she tried to describe something that was metal, gold mostly but then silver on top; I didn't really understand the shape. She felt she should put it inside the head, around the forehead/eyes, of the eagle. She attempted to merge with it. She said she only felt the smallest thing, not the 'rush' I talked about, but she kept giggling, and she said, "I feel so happy inside! My mouth keeps smiling and I can't make it stop! I just feel so excited and happy!" so I figure it worked just fine.
Did I mention that I was praying furiously through this for help in helping her and not screwing it up and it going well for her.
She insisted, a little bit later when I thought she was asleep, on doing another one. I sleepily, wearily agreed, since she was kind of hyper and wide awake then and I thought it might mellow her out. I told her we should stick to the primaries for now, so she asked for her Moon. It was a small squirrel-like creature, but with a ferret-like face, and instead of brown it was a pure silverish color. She liked it and was petting it --
-- when she says, "Um... can... can something bad happen in these? Something come in that you didn't invite?"
This was SO not a good sign. I also realized suddenly that if I said 'no that can't happen' she would pretend it wasn't for me, even if it was, so it was important I let her drive, not me.
"In your inner space you are working with yourself," I said. "Anything there, from IG to your archetypes to anything else, is a part of you. There may be some energetic parts of you that you don't talk to much, or don't have a very good relationship with. I'm not sure I've ever had an archmed interrupted by something I didn't invite, but nothing's impossible."
But then I remembered. I actually HAD had this happen, a few times but all the same creature, but the first time, I was wary and frightened of it and felt it was stalking me and dangerous. It had happened the first time when I was at The Monroe Institute back in January 2000, and it was memorable because it was --
"--a black panther," she says. "It wants to eat me. I'm kind of afraid of it."
Now I ask you, what are the odds that SHE would encounter the SAME symbol I did in the same way with the same 'interference in an archmed' approach when I had not told her about this?
"Ask IG about it," I recommended.
"He showed me a picture of my foot, and then a picture of -- well -- it's too confusing," she said.
"It's a part of you, in any case," I concluded.
"You can ask IG to make it go away if you want," I said, "But it would be better to work with it. If you feel that it is not loving that just means you have a problem with that energy in some way, and if you can resolve that, your relationship with the panther will change. If it's stalking you that means it feels powerfully that it needs to interact with you. IG is all-powerful in there baby, and nothing can really hurt you in there--it's your world, and all mental."
"It ate my head!" she said, sounding a little weirded out and a little pissed. "I keep trying to be nice to it and it keeps trying to eat my head!"
"I think it's saying it wants to try merging with you," I theorized.
"No, it's saying it wants to EAT ME," she snapped, annoyed.
At this point I'm thinking fast. I really didn't know what the hell to do or say but I don't want her to be scared of this stuff.
"Well I bet it's really bummed out," I laughed a little, "To discover that it can't hurt you in there! You have the never-ending re-appearing head!" She giggled a little.
"My moon-squirrel-thing was running away," she said. "It felt there was something bad." I pshawed as best I could. "That's your concept of prey and its size," I assured her. "Your moon is incredibly powerful. Why don't you ask it to take a different form that wouldn't react like that to the panther?"
I got this total picture in my head. Not long ago we saw 'The Golden Compass' and the picture was similar to one of the giant polar bears in the movie, except this one was totally silver. Just as the image flashed away and my logical mind started to think, "Idea based on the recent movie we--"
"--it's a silver polar bear!" she exclaimed. "WOW."
"Have it hang with you," I said, "If the panther gets too out of line your moon and IG can help."
I walked her through an archmed with the panther. I told her that I felt it was probably a guide, not an archetype, but that the process would be good anyway, to get some exchange of energy. She didn't have any trouble with the visual, or with the trade of energy-objects. She said it gave her a sort of tube, made of gold, a couple feet long, that had tons of gold-light filaments coming out of each end, and it put it vertically in her so it went from (my words now) kundalini to solar plexus. She gave it something similar but silver and without the filaments and some other detail. I told her if she could merge with it she wouldn't need to worry about it going for her again because once it was part of her it would no longer be outside her to have to 'deal with' its teeth. So she managed to merge with it, and seemed to feel better. She said she didn't really feel anything in the merge but that she did feel they'd managed to do it.
Then we went back and finished the work with her moon. She said she thought she liked the silver polar bear better, so she worked with that. I can't remember the energy object trade. She attempted a merge. She said that it worked, that she felt something. She said, "It was stronger than I felt with the sun, but what I felt with the sun lasted a couple seconds longer."
She didn't seem to have any trouble making a sacred space.
She didn't seem to have any trouble meeting her inner guide promptly.
She didn't seem to have any trouble seeing him.
She didn't seem to have any trouble hearing him.
She didn't seem to have any trouble meeting, seeing, hearing, archetypes.
Or trading the energy objects. Or even merging with them.
I was 29 years old when I learned this, to the head-banging resistance of my left brain, and it took me like WEEKS of doing these meditations a few times a day before I could do all that.
I told her that. She giggled. "You're retarded, mom! But I love you anyway," she assured me, as she snuggled into me. "Well you're awesome with this," I told her in return. "Gifted, psychic--amazing. If you do these regularly you could be way happy and pretty powerful by the time you were 18. You should have your blackbelt by then too. Boy you'll be a Xena to reckon with!" She laughed and snuggled more and finally, thank goodness, fell asleep, her soft lips against my shoulder and her even breathing giving her sleep away.
I can't imagine learning to work with archetypes at the age of 11. It was mind blowing when I really got into them at nearly 30.
She woke up briefly later and I cannot remember how it came up but I said, "...because when you change your relationship with an archetype, the world changes." She wanted to know more, and I told her we should sleep, and it was kind of complicated to explain, but she insisted.
"You know how sometimes when we dream, sometimes we are another person in another world?" I asked. "Basically just a normal person somewhere else?" She said yeah. I said, "Well, THIS world, with you and me, this is a dream too. Every world is a dream. When you are in the world, though, it is totally real to you of course. It only seems like a dream when you are in a different dream looking back at it."
She said she understood and that didn't seem very complicated to her.
(...Maybe because she's 11. Meanwhile, adults struggle a lifetime to get a handle on the concept...)
"Well, dreams are like taking all the energies inside you, but experiencing them as if they are outside you," I said. "So you can work with them. Like light shining through a stained glass window, you see the colors on the wall. But if you changed that window, changed the design or colors, the wall would change. Well the wall is like the world around us, and the stained glass window is like what's inside you, the energies and how you relate to them. Am I making sense?"
She assured me I was, with that tone like, "What, you think I'm an idiot?" in her voice.
"OK," I continued. "So when you want to change the wall--the world--you change what's inside you--the colored glass. When we work with archetypes, we are changing what's inside us. So of course the world around us -- people, situations, etc. -- are going to change in relation to that. This is the point of archetype meditations. We are letting our imagination help us create dream symbols, even though we're wide awake, so that we can work with those energies, and change the patterns inside us."
She suddenly sat up, looking astonished.
"So THAT's what it means!" she exclaimed.
Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream
Merrily merrily merrily merrily
LIFE IS BUT A DREAM!
"Exactly," I said, as if this was some court-level evidence that proved my point. "That rhyme is basically saying, 'Take it easy, don't stress, enjoy your life, because it's all a dream, and it's YOUR dream to enjoy'."
She accepted that like it somehow answered EVERYTHING, and went back to sleep.
I wish *I* had gotten more sleep last night . . .
PJ
Friday, May 16, 2008
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Med: Inhibitors to Conscious Psi Functioning
I wasted no time. I took off running on the plateau the moment I felt fully there, and dived headfirst off the edge, falling and falling before I imagined my arms feathering into powerful wings that slowed and sloped me. When my feet finally touched the earth so far below, I ran into the cave, left across the footbridge over the (now slightly oversized) creek, out the cave opening on the side, right and up the field, then left again across the field and under the trees with the benches and so on where IG waited.
"Inhibitors to Conscious Psi Functioning," I said by way of introduction. "That's the archetype I want. I know there might be zillions, but whatever would do me the most good to work with, that's what I want. I want to be more aware of psi information, within and without, and I want to be more interactive with it." She nodded.
When I turned, only the corner of the arch was near me. It was far too large to simply be behind me like a person(s). I walked around it, looking up at this big stepped stone pyramid, like the south American sort.
It had two differences.
1. Visual is not the only kind of info one can get; it can be conceptual, emotional, probably even physiological though I'm not sure I've ever had much of that. Along with the full impact of it, into my head came the word very clearly, Juggernaut. It had an odd feeling with it that was important. I couldn't remember what that word meant or was, assuming I ever knew. But it felt like it was not the right word for what the pyramid physically was--that felt like a similar word I couldn't seem to bring to mind--but that it was the far-more-accurate word for what the pyramid conceptually and functionally implied. Had that "there is more to this than you realize" feeling. I decided to just continue, and look it up when I finished.
Googled it just now, a few different definitions. The word I couldn't think of that better described the physical object, I now know, was ziggurat, the type of stepped pyramid built by the babylonians/assyrians etc.
Geez. Fabulous.
2. The other difference was that instead of being complete levels like the pictures I've seen of stepped pyramids, it was a "spiral" from bottom to top. So you didn't go straight up it (though you could), you walked around it in ever-smaller squared-circles (symbol--the circle squared?) until you reached the top, where there was a small plateau.
I ran up it, speeding time, until I stood at the top, and looked out from on high. I didn't pay attention to anything out there, just wondered what I was supposed to do with this thing to get it into whatever form was normal for it so we could merge.
Since it was really, really big... and hard... I had the idea that maybe I should add to my repertoire the "lightning-of-love/life". Sounded novel. So I imagined that amazing amounts of lightning was striking it all over it around me, blazing a zillion volts of power into it. But after awhile, I saw and felt no change. That didn't seem to be working.
So I tried the water of life... no result. The chemical... no result. The light... no result. The wind and rain... no result.
So I sat on top of it thinking that this was an unusually tough one, but there had to be something that could be done to work with it, there always is. I flew to the bottom and walked around the whole thing. I saw something on the ground about 50 feet from it, a square darker patch of dirt (or whatever), and I walked over to it. I could see an edge of something and the square opened up, a lid, to reveal a steep small stone staircase going down into the darkness.
I thought it was interesting that inside an archmed I'm already "in/under" but this required going in/under yet further. I wondered if that itself was some symbolic statement.
I climbed down the stairs, and found myself in a fairly small, rectangle stone hallway that ended at the ladder and went into darkness toward the pyramid the other way. I went through it, but it appeared to be made for someone smaller than me, as I had to shrink to be comfortable. I walked for a little ways, and it dead-ended into another shaft that went straight up. I couldn't see anything but I climbed straight up, and pushed on something at the top, and moved it and climbed out.
I appeared to be inside the pyramid. As if they had deliberately left a hollow core, one that actually had stepped sides but in reverse, reaching up high to the top. I felt so astoundingly... alone inside it, or maybe singular or in solitude are better words.
I wondered why they hadn't just put a door in it if they wanted people to go inside, why I had to get to it from well outside it and then come under/through. I wondered if that had some symbolic meaning, then decided I was overthinking all this so I dropped it.
I'd been seriously considering what my boyfriend and I--who live half a planet away from each other alas--call "quality time". E.g. masturbation, which is pretty great in conjunction with archetype work. At more advanced levels this become a form of tantra (and you can use a partner and 'graft on' a godform or archetype to them as well), but I've sometimes used it simply to help me better "imagine the merge" with a given archetype. Thus far, this one didn't seem to be going all that well. It had taken me awhile even to figure out how to do anything at all with it and I now found myself with as little idea as I had when standing atop it.
"IG," I called to her, "Is that ok for this?" "If you like," she said.
So I imagined I was sitting on the stone floor with my favorite novelty toy and that perhaps "the spirit of the archetypal-pyramid" would at least be with me in an energetic sense. This was destined to be a fairly rapid event anyway (heh), but suddenly I felt myself yanked upward by the hands, dangling in the air, as if something had tied my wrists and then strung it through a ring at the very top of the inside for an adjustable rope, and my feet were at least thirty feet off the ground. Then it felt like an energy bigger than my whole body was trying to join me -- a rather odd, sexual version of the 'spiritual squishing', not exactly, but similar -- and so I just went with it and imagined pulling it all the way through me like my every cell was a sponge for the energy and it permeated me, which was a nice way to end that particular quality time in any case. Oddly though, although it was a bit physical, it wasn't the normal merge-rush feeling, just an energy-joining feeling.
I was a little surprised by the spontaneous way that kicked in--and the slightly disturbing symbolism with how it happened (not my normal style of fantasy for sure)--but on the bright side, something happened that was really spontaneous and that's always a good thing with these meditations I figure.
So I imagined myself released and sitting again on the stone floor in the fairly cavernous, if narrowing as it went up, environment with that aesthetically powerful sense of stillness and age and emptiness.
I thought, "But how can I interact with anything in here when I am so alone?"
And then I thought, "Well maybe it's not that the arch consists of a stepped pyramid I am inside of. Maybe it is as if the arch consists of 'this world', the air, the whole landscape or energy, and I am simply in the middle of something much bigger. Just because there is nothing perceived immediately around me doesn't mean there is nothing; I'm simply looking on too small a scale." Then I felt odd for a moment like I'd missed something and I re-said to myself, "I'm in the middle of something much bigger."
For reasons I can't fathom, at the moment this ran in near-words past my mind, it gripped me like a revelation of some kind, and I sat there thinking, "Wowwww! Whoaaaa! Yes, that's IT, you know?!"
That's what? I don't know. I guess you would've had to been there. Wish I'd been there. Because now that I'm out of it, I fail to see what is even relevant about that, let alone important. Sigh.
I told myself I needed to get creative. I stood and backed up so my back was to the wall at the bottom where I stood. I put my hands out and my fingers back against it behind me and imagined that I could turn the stone to say, rubber. Nothing happened, and I felt as if a whole spectrum of things were automatically tried and rejected by the pyramid until finally it accepted one, and flashed into thick blocks of ice.
It was opaque, and I thought at it, could you be clear? And with a flash it was completely clear, and I kind of marveled as I turned around slowly, looking out the walls at the landscape around. That was cool, and nice to know it could do that, but it didn't feel like I should keep it that way for some reason. So I let it shift back to stone, and returned to the darkness -- but somehow, awareness of its shape etc. inside -- where I'd begun.
I was out of ideas. I asked IG. I didn't get any answer, but I had some odd mental overlays of practicing Nero's visualization exercises while inside this thing, not sure why. I shrugged, and simply flew down through the outlet and back to IG and had her vanish it. I stood there struggling to say something to her, but I could only think of complaints and whining I realized, and I finally gave up saying anything at all except "Thanks." and I quickly left.
I used to have nearly every archmed be amazing and "work". Lately I feel like I'm in over my head and nothing's working very well. I don't really know what any of that means and I still don't know what to do with the archetype. Usually there is something wrong or different and I have to change that. This doesn't seem to have any singular quality. Well except the sense of alone-ness inside it. Wait, maybe that's it. Shit. Wish I'd have thought of that while in there! I'll have to pick up that arch again soon and try something related to that.
[Edited to add later: I finally continued this meditation in August 2008, in this post: Archmed: Gaia and the Pyramid.]
PJ
"Inhibitors to Conscious Psi Functioning," I said by way of introduction. "That's the archetype I want. I know there might be zillions, but whatever would do me the most good to work with, that's what I want. I want to be more aware of psi information, within and without, and I want to be more interactive with it." She nodded.
When I turned, only the corner of the arch was near me. It was far too large to simply be behind me like a person(s). I walked around it, looking up at this big stepped stone pyramid, like the south American sort.
It had two differences.
1. Visual is not the only kind of info one can get; it can be conceptual, emotional, probably even physiological though I'm not sure I've ever had much of that. Along with the full impact of it, into my head came the word very clearly, Juggernaut. It had an odd feeling with it that was important. I couldn't remember what that word meant or was, assuming I ever knew. But it felt like it was not the right word for what the pyramid physically was--that felt like a similar word I couldn't seem to bring to mind--but that it was the far-more-accurate word for what the pyramid conceptually and functionally implied. Had that "there is more to this than you realize" feeling. I decided to just continue, and look it up when I finished.
Googled it just now, a few different definitions. The word I couldn't think of that better described the physical object, I now know, was ziggurat, the type of stepped pyramid built by the babylonians/assyrians etc.
Juggernaut; here's what I think relates:
- Any belief or object needing or receiving sacrifice of themselves by believers.
- Anything that crushes all in its path.
Geez. Fabulous.
2. The other difference was that instead of being complete levels like the pictures I've seen of stepped pyramids, it was a "spiral" from bottom to top. So you didn't go straight up it (though you could), you walked around it in ever-smaller squared-circles (symbol--the circle squared?) until you reached the top, where there was a small plateau.
I ran up it, speeding time, until I stood at the top, and looked out from on high. I didn't pay attention to anything out there, just wondered what I was supposed to do with this thing to get it into whatever form was normal for it so we could merge.
Since it was really, really big... and hard... I had the idea that maybe I should add to my repertoire the "lightning-of-love/life". Sounded novel. So I imagined that amazing amounts of lightning was striking it all over it around me, blazing a zillion volts of power into it. But after awhile, I saw and felt no change. That didn't seem to be working.
So I tried the water of life... no result. The chemical... no result. The light... no result. The wind and rain... no result.
So I sat on top of it thinking that this was an unusually tough one, but there had to be something that could be done to work with it, there always is. I flew to the bottom and walked around the whole thing. I saw something on the ground about 50 feet from it, a square darker patch of dirt (or whatever), and I walked over to it. I could see an edge of something and the square opened up, a lid, to reveal a steep small stone staircase going down into the darkness.
I thought it was interesting that inside an archmed I'm already "in/under" but this required going in/under yet further. I wondered if that itself was some symbolic statement.
I climbed down the stairs, and found myself in a fairly small, rectangle stone hallway that ended at the ladder and went into darkness toward the pyramid the other way. I went through it, but it appeared to be made for someone smaller than me, as I had to shrink to be comfortable. I walked for a little ways, and it dead-ended into another shaft that went straight up. I couldn't see anything but I climbed straight up, and pushed on something at the top, and moved it and climbed out.
I appeared to be inside the pyramid. As if they had deliberately left a hollow core, one that actually had stepped sides but in reverse, reaching up high to the top. I felt so astoundingly... alone inside it, or maybe singular or in solitude are better words.
I wondered why they hadn't just put a door in it if they wanted people to go inside, why I had to get to it from well outside it and then come under/through. I wondered if that had some symbolic meaning, then decided I was overthinking all this so I dropped it.
I'd been seriously considering what my boyfriend and I--who live half a planet away from each other alas--call "quality time". E.g. masturbation, which is pretty great in conjunction with archetype work. At more advanced levels this become a form of tantra (and you can use a partner and 'graft on' a godform or archetype to them as well), but I've sometimes used it simply to help me better "imagine the merge" with a given archetype. Thus far, this one didn't seem to be going all that well. It had taken me awhile even to figure out how to do anything at all with it and I now found myself with as little idea as I had when standing atop it.
"IG," I called to her, "Is that ok for this?" "If you like," she said.
So I imagined I was sitting on the stone floor with my favorite novelty toy and that perhaps "the spirit of the archetypal-pyramid" would at least be with me in an energetic sense. This was destined to be a fairly rapid event anyway (heh), but suddenly I felt myself yanked upward by the hands, dangling in the air, as if something had tied my wrists and then strung it through a ring at the very top of the inside for an adjustable rope, and my feet were at least thirty feet off the ground. Then it felt like an energy bigger than my whole body was trying to join me -- a rather odd, sexual version of the 'spiritual squishing', not exactly, but similar -- and so I just went with it and imagined pulling it all the way through me like my every cell was a sponge for the energy and it permeated me, which was a nice way to end that particular quality time in any case. Oddly though, although it was a bit physical, it wasn't the normal merge-rush feeling, just an energy-joining feeling.
I was a little surprised by the spontaneous way that kicked in--and the slightly disturbing symbolism with how it happened (not my normal style of fantasy for sure)--but on the bright side, something happened that was really spontaneous and that's always a good thing with these meditations I figure.
So I imagined myself released and sitting again on the stone floor in the fairly cavernous, if narrowing as it went up, environment with that aesthetically powerful sense of stillness and age and emptiness.
I thought, "But how can I interact with anything in here when I am so alone?"
And then I thought, "Well maybe it's not that the arch consists of a stepped pyramid I am inside of. Maybe it is as if the arch consists of 'this world', the air, the whole landscape or energy, and I am simply in the middle of something much bigger. Just because there is nothing perceived immediately around me doesn't mean there is nothing; I'm simply looking on too small a scale." Then I felt odd for a moment like I'd missed something and I re-said to myself, "I'm in the middle of something much bigger."
For reasons I can't fathom, at the moment this ran in near-words past my mind, it gripped me like a revelation of some kind, and I sat there thinking, "Wowwww! Whoaaaa! Yes, that's IT, you know?!"
That's what? I don't know. I guess you would've had to been there. Wish I'd been there. Because now that I'm out of it, I fail to see what is even relevant about that, let alone important. Sigh.
I told myself I needed to get creative. I stood and backed up so my back was to the wall at the bottom where I stood. I put my hands out and my fingers back against it behind me and imagined that I could turn the stone to say, rubber. Nothing happened, and I felt as if a whole spectrum of things were automatically tried and rejected by the pyramid until finally it accepted one, and flashed into thick blocks of ice.
It was opaque, and I thought at it, could you be clear? And with a flash it was completely clear, and I kind of marveled as I turned around slowly, looking out the walls at the landscape around. That was cool, and nice to know it could do that, but it didn't feel like I should keep it that way for some reason. So I let it shift back to stone, and returned to the darkness -- but somehow, awareness of its shape etc. inside -- where I'd begun.
I was out of ideas. I asked IG. I didn't get any answer, but I had some odd mental overlays of practicing Nero's visualization exercises while inside this thing, not sure why. I shrugged, and simply flew down through the outlet and back to IG and had her vanish it. I stood there struggling to say something to her, but I could only think of complaints and whining I realized, and I finally gave up saying anything at all except "Thanks." and I quickly left.
I used to have nearly every archmed be amazing and "work". Lately I feel like I'm in over my head and nothing's working very well. I don't really know what any of that means and I still don't know what to do with the archetype. Usually there is something wrong or different and I have to change that. This doesn't seem to have any singular quality. Well except the sense of alone-ness inside it. Wait, maybe that's it. Shit. Wish I'd have thought of that while in there! I'll have to pick up that arch again soon and try something related to that.
[Edited to add later: I finally continued this meditation in August 2008, in this post: Archmed: Gaia and the Pyramid.]
PJ
Friday, May 2, 2008
No-brainer observation
Maybe the only thing consistent about my archmeds over the years is that the bigger the problem, the harder it is to get around to doing them at all; and if I do them, the harder it is to perceive them at all; and if I perceive them, the harder it is to merge with them; the more likely it is that it will take multiple meditations over time to get there.
It just occurred to me that I am not merely working with "problematic issues" the last couple days. I am working with my BIIIIIIG-est problem. Of all the millions of possible problems, issues, archetypes, etc. that I could be dealing with, I chose the BIGgest problem. Of course.
So it's almost moronic for me to expect that they are going to be easy, go super well, and result in a great rushing merge. It is frankly almost miraculous that I got around to doing them at all, that I could perceive them at all, and that it went as well as it has, and that I've had even the barely-noticed merge from a couple. I should be amazed and glad, not bitching about my incompetence.
If I had a brain, I'd be dangerous.
Ok, back to work now...
PJ
It just occurred to me that I am not merely working with "problematic issues" the last couple days. I am working with my BIIIIIIG-est problem. Of all the millions of possible problems, issues, archetypes, etc. that I could be dealing with, I chose the BIGgest problem. Of course.
So it's almost moronic for me to expect that they are going to be easy, go super well, and result in a great rushing merge. It is frankly almost miraculous that I got around to doing them at all, that I could perceive them at all, and that it went as well as it has, and that I've had even the barely-noticed merge from a couple. I should be amazed and glad, not bitching about my incompetence.
If I had a brain, I'd be dangerous.
Ok, back to work now...
PJ
Med: My Biggest Problem, Take 3
"Do you think I should slightly rephrase my request?" I asked IG. "I find with RV and dowsing that a slight word change, even one word, seems to improve the result when asking for intuitive info on the same thing more than once."
"You can," she said affably.
"OK, then let's make this one, 'The problem I most need to deal with at this time'," I said. She nodded, and I bowed my head and waited for her to seem done.
When I turned, I saw a big bundle of hanging white gauzy curtains. Hanging from nothing, but very tall. About a 20 foot radius circle of them. I couldn't see anything inside. I found the edge of one and pulled it aside, and then finally another, until I was completely lost in them, and couldn't see anything anywhere but the veils surrounding me. I wondered what the veils represented and wondered if it related to death and the infamous 'veils' between lives, and the living/dead.
I turned to IG, who I couldn't see, but felt was just as present. "That's really... novel, and creative!" I said, suddenly impressed. It occurred to me then, that maybe the "creativity" of your IG is unique to each of them. They're like... reality-psychology-artists of a sort. Maybe they have a sense of evolution and pride in their own work with us, too.
I finally found my way into the center of all of those white gauzy curtains, and ran into something totally hard and solid. I put my arms around it, unable to see anything except the gauzy sheets everywhere, and it felt like a several foot wide cylinder, about six or seven feet high, of metal. I wasn't sure what to do with it, so I finally got out of all those curtains and stood looking at it all.
I put my arms around as much of it as I could -- about 1/5 the way around it, is all I could reach -- and I grounded myself, and then started sending energy to and through all the veils, telling them that I did not need them to protect this, and that everything would be ok. I had this overlay in my head of a story about Luther Burbank and how he developed the "spineless cacti" -- by constantly telling the cactus that it did not need thorns to protect itself because he would keep it safe. I always found that fascinating. I felt myself thinking- and feeling-at the veils as if they were the thorns, protecting something from me. Assuring it I meant no harm and it was free to go. I imagined that they rapidly dissolved into wispy nothingness, falling away in whole sheets, and the circle of them got smaller and smaller as my arms were better able to fit around the bulk of it as it shrank.
Finally there was nothing left at all except a tall metal cylinder a few feet in diameter. Completely enclosed. I had the vague sense that maybe there was something under it or inside it. I used the same approach as on the veils except this time I added the ideas of the water, chemical, wind, light of love all at the same time, and I watched the outer impermeable metal shell of this cylinder erode away rapidly until it was gone.
I was looking at a bronzed statue of a roman centurion. His knees were slightly bent and he had a big sword and a round shield, but I don't think he was wearing a helmet. (I kind of wondered about the soldier symbology, given the last arch had that too.) As I stood there pondering it, I "understood" that this was not a statue. I had this overlay of the Narnia movie (and books) and how the white witch had frozen life forms as statues. So I anchored myself and imagined my heart chakra opening and asked for Aslan and The Christ to help me out and I put my hands on his thighs and imagined pouring gold loving energy into him. After a few moments, I also imagined pouring some of my own blood and living biochemicals into him, to help restore him. And finally he started changing, first inside and then finally visibly, until eventually the metal-bronze was completely gone and the man stood before me, just looking at me quietly.
I don't know why, but I felt guilty. I don't think I've ever felt guilty with an archetype before. But I found myself saying, "I'm so sorry. I know there is no excuse, so I can only apologize for whatever I did to entrap you or create that stasis. I'm glad you're free. If you need anything, I am here for you." He didn't say anything, just considered me. I stood on my toes and kissed him, and he kissed me back, but when I tried to merge into him, we couldn't do it. I kissed him again anyway and told him he was beautiful and I was sorry and that if he wasn't ready to merge I understood or would try to, and I thanked him for spending that time with me.
I created in the palm of my hand an earring, something I felt represented his strength, his style, his independence, and I put it on him. He took off a big leather armband from his bicep, and he put it on me. I half-bowed to him, and he turned and disappeared.
I looked at IG. "I'm just completely incompetent apparently," I groused.
"You have the wrong expectations for this," she said.
"I just want to merge!" I said in exasperation. "I can't touch anybody lately, apparently!"
"That's not always the right thing to do," she said. "You are accomplishing a great deal."
"I don't FEEL like I'm accomplishing ANYTHING," I sighed, then added, "I'll be back... well, soon. For more. Thanks for your time and... your creativity."
God I really suck at these lately.
It's like restarting remote viewing after a long time out. It's such a hard curve to get back in shape it's just miserable. I guess that's it, anyway.
A little later, I asked Nero, "What would you have me do? Like for meditating?"
He said, "What I've already showed you."
I thought to myself that seemed kind of trivially stupid. Visualization? Why was that so important?
"Because," he said, answering my thought, "Your ability to hold a focus without wavering is necessary to develop before we can do certain other things."
"Oh," I said. "Ok... thanks."
I think I'm just depressive the last few days. I feel like such a schmuck.
PJ
"You can," she said affably.
"OK, then let's make this one, 'The problem I most need to deal with at this time'," I said. She nodded, and I bowed my head and waited for her to seem done.
When I turned, I saw a big bundle of hanging white gauzy curtains. Hanging from nothing, but very tall. About a 20 foot radius circle of them. I couldn't see anything inside. I found the edge of one and pulled it aside, and then finally another, until I was completely lost in them, and couldn't see anything anywhere but the veils surrounding me. I wondered what the veils represented and wondered if it related to death and the infamous 'veils' between lives, and the living/dead.
I turned to IG, who I couldn't see, but felt was just as present. "That's really... novel, and creative!" I said, suddenly impressed. It occurred to me then, that maybe the "creativity" of your IG is unique to each of them. They're like... reality-psychology-artists of a sort. Maybe they have a sense of evolution and pride in their own work with us, too.
I finally found my way into the center of all of those white gauzy curtains, and ran into something totally hard and solid. I put my arms around it, unable to see anything except the gauzy sheets everywhere, and it felt like a several foot wide cylinder, about six or seven feet high, of metal. I wasn't sure what to do with it, so I finally got out of all those curtains and stood looking at it all.
I put my arms around as much of it as I could -- about 1/5 the way around it, is all I could reach -- and I grounded myself, and then started sending energy to and through all the veils, telling them that I did not need them to protect this, and that everything would be ok. I had this overlay in my head of a story about Luther Burbank and how he developed the "spineless cacti" -- by constantly telling the cactus that it did not need thorns to protect itself because he would keep it safe. I always found that fascinating. I felt myself thinking- and feeling-at the veils as if they were the thorns, protecting something from me. Assuring it I meant no harm and it was free to go. I imagined that they rapidly dissolved into wispy nothingness, falling away in whole sheets, and the circle of them got smaller and smaller as my arms were better able to fit around the bulk of it as it shrank.
Finally there was nothing left at all except a tall metal cylinder a few feet in diameter. Completely enclosed. I had the vague sense that maybe there was something under it or inside it. I used the same approach as on the veils except this time I added the ideas of the water, chemical, wind, light of love all at the same time, and I watched the outer impermeable metal shell of this cylinder erode away rapidly until it was gone.
I was looking at a bronzed statue of a roman centurion. His knees were slightly bent and he had a big sword and a round shield, but I don't think he was wearing a helmet. (I kind of wondered about the soldier symbology, given the last arch had that too.) As I stood there pondering it, I "understood" that this was not a statue. I had this overlay of the Narnia movie (and books) and how the white witch had frozen life forms as statues. So I anchored myself and imagined my heart chakra opening and asked for Aslan and The Christ to help me out and I put my hands on his thighs and imagined pouring gold loving energy into him. After a few moments, I also imagined pouring some of my own blood and living biochemicals into him, to help restore him. And finally he started changing, first inside and then finally visibly, until eventually the metal-bronze was completely gone and the man stood before me, just looking at me quietly.
I don't know why, but I felt guilty. I don't think I've ever felt guilty with an archetype before. But I found myself saying, "I'm so sorry. I know there is no excuse, so I can only apologize for whatever I did to entrap you or create that stasis. I'm glad you're free. If you need anything, I am here for you." He didn't say anything, just considered me. I stood on my toes and kissed him, and he kissed me back, but when I tried to merge into him, we couldn't do it. I kissed him again anyway and told him he was beautiful and I was sorry and that if he wasn't ready to merge I understood or would try to, and I thanked him for spending that time with me.
I created in the palm of my hand an earring, something I felt represented his strength, his style, his independence, and I put it on him. He took off a big leather armband from his bicep, and he put it on me. I half-bowed to him, and he turned and disappeared.
I looked at IG. "I'm just completely incompetent apparently," I groused.
"You have the wrong expectations for this," she said.
"I just want to merge!" I said in exasperation. "I can't touch anybody lately, apparently!"
"That's not always the right thing to do," she said. "You are accomplishing a great deal."
"I don't FEEL like I'm accomplishing ANYTHING," I sighed, then added, "I'll be back... well, soon. For more. Thanks for your time and... your creativity."
God I really suck at these lately.
It's like restarting remote viewing after a long time out. It's such a hard curve to get back in shape it's just miserable. I guess that's it, anyway.
A little later, I asked Nero, "What would you have me do? Like for meditating?"
He said, "What I've already showed you."
I thought to myself that seemed kind of trivially stupid. Visualization? Why was that so important?
"Because," he said, answering my thought, "Your ability to hold a focus without wavering is necessary to develop before we can do certain other things."
"Oh," I said. "Ok... thanks."
I think I'm just depressive the last few days. I feel like such a schmuck.
PJ
Med: My Biggest Problem, Take 2
I tried to meditate several times last night. Major denial going on. The minute I got about 30 seconds into it-- or maybe 5 or 10--my mind just completely went on to something else. I would realize it, 15 minutes later or more, and drag myself back to begin again, but eventually it was late and I fell asleep having accomplished zero. But I woke up around 3:30am, and I figured I ought to make another attempt to meditate.
In the end, I managed to do a 15 minute meditation, and it only took me four solid hours, not counting the night before. Denial sucks.
I went back to IG and asked her for the next iteration of 'My Biggest Problem'. Whether this was something different, or another stage of the initial thing, who knows, up to her. I let her bring the arch to our space and then I turned around. On one hand, this one was an archetype, not a whole minor world. On the other hand, there were nine of them. Three sets of three. (Curiously, that's the symbol from a recent dream too.) They were identical soldiers, about 7-8 feet tall, wearing hard stone-like armor with helmets. They almost looked like oversized statues.
I worked with the group the way I would normally work with an individual, except trying to refocus and feel a connection to all nine simultaneously while doing so, trying to hold the nine in my attention. Lots of 'water of love', which did little, but then the 'light of love' did what I suspected (common symbol for me), created gigantic deep cracks in all the stone armor, and then the 'wind of love' completely dissolved or broke-away all the armor. A rinse with the water again, and standing in front of me were nine people. Normal sized. All of them completely different. Different genders, races, sizes, etc.
I had an odd feeling about them. Like I knew them already. They didn't feel quite like archetypes. Well, anything and everything CAN be one, but they felt like... well... I wondered... I haven't yet been able to work with the group that the Four introduced me to in the tower long ago, except Nero. There were more than him -- about 15 more I guessed (it's some base-4 thing, go figure).
"Are these nine of the next-outer ring of the Four?" I asked IG suspiciously. She didn't answer, or I couldn't perceive her.
I wasn't sure what to do with them. I asked if they wanted to put something on or in my body so I could gradually absorb their energy and each one in turn stepped up and put a small ball of energy into a chakra, each one up the body, until the final one did this about a foot over my head and then connected them. I didn't feel any merge-rush though.
I gave them each a tiny whirl of energy that looked like a tattoo that they could wear as they liked. (I don't know what makes me think of each different thing I give an arch. It's always spontaneous.) I looked back at IG. "It seems like there ought to be more," I said.
I imagined us all merging together, me and the nine, and almost nothing happened. Teeeeeny tiny rush, hardly enough to mention.
Now, in difficult meditations -- and "denial" is a measure of difficulty -- sometimes I can't merge at all, things will go right through me, as if we exist in different dimensions. So the fact we could merge at all is a good sign, and even the tiniest feeling from it is a good sign. But obviously, I was expecting a great deal more from all this effort than what I got.
The archs having vanished (inside me), I turned to IG.
"I don't think that went very well," I admitted.
"It went fine," she answered calmly.
But I felt like I must have failed to figure out something of relevance, that the effect was so minimal, not to mention how embarrassing it is to spend much of a night and hours in the morning doing what should have taken 10-15 minutes.
I reassured myself inside. Sometimes things that seem no big deal are the stepping stones to making a big deal meditation possible. I haven't done regular archmeds in eons, maybe it's going to take awhile to work through various BS in the way before getting to something useful. I dunno... I was a little depressed about it. I want to feel like I am accomplishing something I guess!
Oh well. I'll try the next meditation when I can.
PJ
In the end, I managed to do a 15 minute meditation, and it only took me four solid hours, not counting the night before. Denial sucks.
I went back to IG and asked her for the next iteration of 'My Biggest Problem'. Whether this was something different, or another stage of the initial thing, who knows, up to her. I let her bring the arch to our space and then I turned around. On one hand, this one was an archetype, not a whole minor world. On the other hand, there were nine of them. Three sets of three. (Curiously, that's the symbol from a recent dream too.) They were identical soldiers, about 7-8 feet tall, wearing hard stone-like armor with helmets. They almost looked like oversized statues.
I worked with the group the way I would normally work with an individual, except trying to refocus and feel a connection to all nine simultaneously while doing so, trying to hold the nine in my attention. Lots of 'water of love', which did little, but then the 'light of love' did what I suspected (common symbol for me), created gigantic deep cracks in all the stone armor, and then the 'wind of love' completely dissolved or broke-away all the armor. A rinse with the water again, and standing in front of me were nine people. Normal sized. All of them completely different. Different genders, races, sizes, etc.
I had an odd feeling about them. Like I knew them already. They didn't feel quite like archetypes. Well, anything and everything CAN be one, but they felt like... well... I wondered... I haven't yet been able to work with the group that the Four introduced me to in the tower long ago, except Nero. There were more than him -- about 15 more I guessed (it's some base-4 thing, go figure).
"Are these nine of the next-outer ring of the Four?" I asked IG suspiciously. She didn't answer, or I couldn't perceive her.
I wasn't sure what to do with them. I asked if they wanted to put something on or in my body so I could gradually absorb their energy and each one in turn stepped up and put a small ball of energy into a chakra, each one up the body, until the final one did this about a foot over my head and then connected them. I didn't feel any merge-rush though.
I gave them each a tiny whirl of energy that looked like a tattoo that they could wear as they liked. (I don't know what makes me think of each different thing I give an arch. It's always spontaneous.) I looked back at IG. "It seems like there ought to be more," I said.
I imagined us all merging together, me and the nine, and almost nothing happened. Teeeeeny tiny rush, hardly enough to mention.
Now, in difficult meditations -- and "denial" is a measure of difficulty -- sometimes I can't merge at all, things will go right through me, as if we exist in different dimensions. So the fact we could merge at all is a good sign, and even the tiniest feeling from it is a good sign. But obviously, I was expecting a great deal more from all this effort than what I got.
The archs having vanished (inside me), I turned to IG.
"I don't think that went very well," I admitted.
"It went fine," she answered calmly.
But I felt like I must have failed to figure out something of relevance, that the effect was so minimal, not to mention how embarrassing it is to spend much of a night and hours in the morning doing what should have taken 10-15 minutes.
I reassured myself inside. Sometimes things that seem no big deal are the stepping stones to making a big deal meditation possible. I haven't done regular archmeds in eons, maybe it's going to take awhile to work through various BS in the way before getting to something useful. I dunno... I was a little depressed about it. I want to feel like I am accomplishing something I guess!
Oh well. I'll try the next meditation when I can.
PJ
Thursday, May 1, 2008
About Nero
Discovered something surprising today but first I should share some info about Nero on this blog because he's only mentioned now and then elsewhere and it looks like he is going to figure quite a bit on this one.
First, I'd kind of forgotten the detail or got it wrong concerning him. But more importantly, I had not realized -- at ALL, in fact I'd even forgotten some of these things until I re-read them today!! -- that in a way, Nero was working on the same stuff with me eons ago as we are doing now -- but I never finished. So apparently when I start back up, there we are! Like I never left off. The approach with IG is different but when I saw the accounts of him previous I realized it's all basically tying into the same dynamic.
Here is a summary of my work with him from previous other-blog entries.
And then:
And then:
And then:
And then:
And then:
And then:
First, I'd kind of forgotten the detail or got it wrong concerning him. But more importantly, I had not realized -- at ALL, in fact I'd even forgotten some of these things until I re-read them today!! -- that in a way, Nero was working on the same stuff with me eons ago as we are doing now -- but I never finished. So apparently when I start back up, there we are! Like I never left off. The approach with IG is different but when I saw the accounts of him previous I realized it's all basically tying into the same dynamic.
Here is a summary of my work with him from previous other-blog entries.
June 2006:
So I visualized sitting here and syncing with my third eye and then looking to my upper left where I had been for the girl.
I nearly jumped back in my mind---a man was standing there right in front of me! I thought WOW, that's clearer than usual and right-there-ready.
He was maybe mid-20's to mid-30's, hard for me to place an age. I was kind of astonished to see him there.
I thought, is this some part of me I don't want to see for some reason? I wonder why? I just looked at him for a little while.
"Are you part of me?" I finally asked.
"Yes," he said, nodding.
"Why would I not want to see you?" I asked him, wondering, if he is some aspect of myself, I don't see anything that odd about him, why would I be rejecting that?
He grinned, reminding me of the 'Mat' character in WoT, as if he knew my thoughts and said with a laugh, "I don't know!"
I realized that I shouldn't allow myself to be distracted.
"I'm doing psychic work at the moment," I said seriously. "I want to know the target info. That's all I want to do right now. Can you help me do that?"
"Will you come see me if I do?" he haggled.
I stared at him, nonplussed as I hadn't expected anything like that.
"Um. Are you sure you're a part of me?" I asked again, warily.
"Yes," he said, looking like he might laugh--in a good way though--any moment.
"What's your name?" I said, putting off commitment for a moment more.
"Nero."
"Nero?" I say, breaking into an actual giggle. "You have got to be kidding me."
"I am not kidding," he assured me with a droll quirk to his lips, but otherwise seriously.
I thought about it.
"OK," I agreed. "So I will... ah, just meditate and call you, is that all that is required?"
"That's all that's required," he told me.
And then:
June 2006:
There must have been about 12-16 other people there. [...] I gathered up my courage and agreed, and turned to greet them. And there he was. Nero, the mischeviously grinning dark haired man who had bargained with me earlier. [...] My relationship within the four is of one nature; the added people are more than an expansion, they are more like a... like a different nature of connectivity. Tonight I am going back to talk with the three and see if I can better understand the point of it all, and what they would like of me. Oh yeah. And I have a date with Nero.
And then:
June 2006:
Well, I had promised. So I went back into the inner world to call on Nero. Why any guide would choose a name like that I have no idea. Maybe Ghengis and Napolean were already taken.
He has dark hair, very straight, short and shaggy. Medium to dark complexion, a heck of a strong nose, and dark, intense eyes. A smile that melts me, a grin that makes me giggle and an intensity that is a little bit frightening.
I tell myself that either my imagination is improving by leaps and bounds or something in the last six months has really broken free inside me (and I hope it isn't what's left of my mind), because I previously couldn't 'see' any guide at all, and I could never hear them. It's long been my biggest gripe, that I had 'awareness' of their presence but I could not see or hear them. Yet I could see him fairly clear all things considered, and hear him as well.
I still have a little bit of a resistance---I have to distract myself slightly in order to get what he is saying, or analytical ego will try to forcibly create my expectations instead. It is an actual Art or skill all its own, interacting with anything and anybody in the psyche-psychic realms; a combination of holding a focus yet releasing a control that walks a fine borderline of attention that I am not sure everybody would be able to do.
So according to Nero, I have shifted into a... new level of perception. But the way he put it made it sound like everybody else had stepped back and I accidentally 'volunteered' to accomplish something; it sounded more like a job than an opportunity. I think I would have liked it better if he'd been suggesting that I am happily evolving and he had arrived to serve me. Heh. Aren't I the center of the universe. But instead it sounded a lot more like I had finally done something I should have done ten years ago and he'd been called in for job training.
He suggests that I'll be getting into areas where more "proactive" psychic efforts are called for. He is there to help force me to 'see' what I need to see and would otherwise block; and to mentor me in whatever 'proactive' psi he is talking about (I am severely fuzzy on those details), and to protect me until I can protect myself, a topic which rather unnerved me. Last I heard, I was still going on about how since we create our own reality I just won't believe in anything bad and la-ti-da the world will go fine. (Would someone please inform the IRS? They appear to be violating my Pollyanna's Rules for Reality.)
I ended up committing to allowing him to override protective systems that would prevent my conscious awareness of things that he specifically chooses to have me aware of. Let's hope that doesn't come back to haunt me. Literally.
And then:
June 2006:
I just can't figure what is up with my viewing except that apparently I'm going through some internal ... change. Or something. I also can't remember the details now of the meditation/session mix (accidental alas) that led into things last night. Suffice to say that Nero seemed to get aggravated at my utter inability to pay attention to anything for more than about 1.4 seconds. EricT calls it OLAP viewing, the RV attention deficit disorder: Yes, blue... stone, and curved at the -- oh look, a pony!
So Nero (sounding nothing like the kinder, gentler soul I thought guides were supposed to be) tells me that until I can learn to hold focus decently he wants to see me visualizing red-light triangle outlines until they are utterly clear visually in my mind and remain that way without front-brain (as I call it) effort.
I had this ping in my head when he said this, but it wasn't until I was into trying it that I recalled this is what the Inner Guide said to me way back in January, though he had also added white circle-outlines after that. So I'm guessing that what I dropped off doing back then, I am doing now. It's so basic it's embarrassing. This is magick 101.
But I have to admit he's right that my focus, which used to be nearly profound, is now really fragmented. He did help at least enough to show me that a slow turning of the shape actually seems to help hold it for some reason. I need more work on getting it fixed and then turning my attention away on the 'surface' but holding it. Damn it, I used to be so great at this stuff. Maybe 20 years of sleep deprivation and workaholism is finally showing my fraying at the edges.
When I finally got to my session, I was trying to hold the visualizing focus so since I didn't know how I could do both (and he clearly wanted me to). So I imagined it getting so big it was like a doorway around me, and hence wasn't in my face, so I could concentrate on viewing.
After a bit (I thought to show me an example of how clear the visual of the triangle should be), he popped a shape in front of me, a rectangle-outline with the corners rounded, made of silver metal, flat but a few inches wide, and it turned, in utter clarity in my head. I had to admit I was impressed at how this seemingly 99%-autonomous identity in my head could produce something in my mind with 4x the clarity I could. I couldn't seem to get my red triangle-outlines anywhere near that well done.
Eventually feedback arrives and the shape he was showing me was literally the central shape/material of the middle of the target (which had diverse components). And I had thought what he was doing was unrelated to my session! Which seems a rather obvious problem one might have if they can't keep what they are doing---viewing, vs. meditating---separate.
But I go to view lately and you see what I get---weird stuff, alleged other-lives, and so-called Guides. Sheesh. Guides, of all things. I admit, I feel like a total moron even using that label, given the general intellect of many others I've heard using it over time. Who with half a brain would admit to stupid junk like this?
And then:
July 2006:
My sense was that all these new aspects as a total package are like... hmmn. I used to call the four elementals of soul, "the linoleum theory," like how you look down at some tile and each four create a whole pattern, but then each of the four are linked in different positions into several other 4-patterns, too. Plus, of course, larger patterns. Well it is like maybe I got "the next ring out," like say 16 or whatever, more tiles all around us. I know that all those identities are part of me and when I am able to accept them, and basically "extend myself through them" in doing so, there will be some benefit to this, more power, more identity, more whatever it is that we think is evolutionary. For whatever reason I am having a difficult time with that apparently.
I had such a problem with Nero---I was completely incapable of merging with him at all---that I asked him and my inner guide (who I called to me for the occasion) and they both said sure, I can work in the tower, with these parts of me, just like I work with archetypes. So I laid him out on a medical table and looked at him, knowing there would be something up since I was having such issues with him.
I kept finding these big, kind of heavy-metal pieces of stuff in him, like formed stainless steel pieces of some structure or object that had gotten somehow half-deep into him. I would take each of them out gently, dissolve them and dump them into the waste grill under my feet to be washed out of the body. I turned him over and finally, the last major visible issue was this really big heavy all-metal knife that was in his back but down toward the lower right side a bit. I worked carefully on getting it out of him without pain, and then decided when I breathed and counted to 3 I would totally "let go of the part of myself that is that knife" and transmute the now-seems-separate energy into gold light at the same time. To my astonishment when I did this, it was a totally body-rocking amazing rush of buzzing energy. So... I guess it did SOME good.
And then:
October 2006:
The dream later felt like a story created for me, more than the other types of dreams I have. I was in a multi-story building with many friends whom I don't currently know. We were at war with another group of people, and they had a monster, like a giant who looked bizarre, and we were trying to make the big house a fortress of sorts. A man we knew well came to visit us, and began telling us the most fascinating story. It was so fascinating that we just stood there, enthralled, as he spun it out. And when he was done, he stepped aside and we realized that he was working for the bad guys -- and while we were all distracted, his people had let in the monster. Everybody scrambled in different directions, as it lumbered into the big room where we were.
I started to panic. What can I do?! I thought desperately.
And then I saw Nero. Remember Nero? I see him more often now, in meditations; this is the first time I've ever seen him in a dream. (And I might be inventing that it was him, but I feel more sure all the time that it was.) He was standing calmly in the center of the room, as if he had appeared just to answer my question.
"There is always a doorway out," he said. "Always. You have to look for it while holding yourself in a state of faith -- a suspension of disbelief -- you have to accept that it IS there, in order to create the space for that probability to come through." I tried to do this, imagining that something would fall in front of the monster to slow him down at the same time some opening would come for me, and I told myself to believe it and feel happily-optimistic that "it could happen!" and sure enough, it happened. Later, in a different situation on a high floor with bad guys closing in on me, I found myself in panic again, and Nero appeared and reminded me. He talked me through it, until the situation had a break and I found a way out.
This situation repeated, each time unique, like 100 times in the dream.
And then:
February 2007:
I merged with Nero while I was there by the way. I didn't mean to. I just threw my arms around him and hugged him and it started happening, so I accepted that and participated and it was really intense. Very cool.
So that is my history with Nero, in a nutshell. Now looking back at that dream; although the approach is different, doesn't it seem like that is basically the same fundamental dynamic that I just got yesterday?
Like I screwed up -- two YEARS ago I had this info and I didn't work on it and didn't pursue it and barely meditated -- and so when I finally get around to doing it, there it is -- as if the lesson still has to be waded through, whether I wait a year or ten or a lifetime. Sheesh! What IG is apparently covering with me today, I started all that time ago, but never did anything with.
Still I found that kind of interesting, in part because I had completely forgotten about a couple of those meetings.
PJ
More Musing
In all honesty I didn't think the meditation I finished yesterday was that big a deal. It was different -- the whole process had some differences, from how I chose to get to/from the area, to the size of the river in my cave, to the very novel way of presenting an archetype IG chose, to IG herself -- but although I had the merge effect, it wasn't nearly as strong as I would have expected for something that large and complex and for something that serious ('my biggest problem').
My interaction with outer guides afterwards failed. My interaction with the control center afterwards failed, and then barely worked at all. So on the whole, it was a good effort, but it didn't seem like an overly successful day.
Yet having a major water dream suggests something did change in me, and now I can't seem to quit thinking about related stuff even though I'm trying to work here.
So, some more musing on the topic, which I may add to through the day...
My interaction with outer guides afterwards failed. My interaction with the control center afterwards failed, and then barely worked at all. So on the whole, it was a good effort, but it didn't seem like an overly successful day.
Yet having a major water dream suggests something did change in me, and now I can't seem to quit thinking about related stuff even though I'm trying to work here.
So, some more musing on the topic, which I may add to through the day...
Trapped Soul
I once had a viewing session where I sensed some combination of shade (a ghost, but I actually had the old-fashioned sense of the word 'shade') and 'star' (an impression of a source of energy-light, but so small, with an overlay of the Crowley use of the word Star in Liber al vel Legis), and believed it to be a soul. The session had so far, as data, been a woman, with something in her hands that opened and closed, who was utterly devastated, emotionally, her whole world just falling apart. Then I sensed that the soul was kind of trapped, was unhappy, had not been able to let go and release from this plane of attention and find closure or whatever. I ended the session, saw that I'd been right about the data (had in fact AOL'd the actual target from the pool of 1000+ in the Viewer Studios), which reassured me maybe I was not just imagining it all.
I prayed to Archangel Michael during the session, that he would help me help her, and I felt this shift in me indicating that this would work, but I needed to focus intently on her, on the goal (her release/whatever), on myself as an open-allowing "bridge" between the two, and otherwise to un-focus and let him (Michael) do whatever-it-was that was necessary for this process. I didn't know those details, probably can't know it, and couldn't focus on them. I had to focus on the larger intent, the several points (me, her, the goal), but it was like a blur-focus with-points-of-light in a way: because the larger focus was blurred, was simply accepting that 'underneath', he was working out the details.
I set this focus, and it started happening. Literally I felt my whole body affected, in a way similar to how it feels when I over-merge and it feels like "spiritual squishing" inside me, except this was totally smooth, not something trying to fit "in" with me but rather something adding to me as it "moved through me". (I believe I can kind of make out the difference of Michael's involvement, in the sense of power and sense of smooth harmlessness. It's much more choppy and uncomfortable when I take some identity into me directly.) I almost lost the focus in my distraction at how physical the feeling was, but had this strong sense inside me that Michael was telling me I had to hold the focus -- I mean, HAD TO in capitals (I don't want to know what might happen, had I broken this focus mid-way into the process; would that soul be residing IN me now?? weird idea!), so I held on tight to the focus. By the time it finished, my head was thrown back, my back arched, my mouth open. I bet from the outside it looked like something from a movie.
Anyway, it occurs to me that this was an early, "similar" kind of focus to what I've been thinking about here, except that in that case I was "letting Michael work the detail" rather than some subconscious part of myself. But it rather amounted to the same thing in that regard. And the surface attention was interesting; similar, in that it had a deliberate blur-point yet high-attention, yet different in that in the midst of that blur it actually did have a few focus-points, but none of them made strong enough to be a single-focus or to compete with what was going on below. Session here.
Programming
... has some points of commonality with all this. For example when you start a programming project, you do exactly this: nothing. You let it sit in your head, trusting that the back of your brain is going to work it out, while the rest of you has the positive expectation. At some point, there is like this "Ding! It's done, stick a fork in it!" feeling, and THEN you go forward. And when you begin an outline, it's top level. While you're working through the basic architecture, the back of your brain is filling in details, pointing out obvious things you missed, etc. But you aren't trying to focus on that, you're doing meta-level stuff, but you're trusting that the rest of you will work out the finer points.
Martial Arts
Now that I think about it, I'm betting that this is the case in lots of skills, jobs, arts that we do on a constant basis. In martial arts for example, you want to train your body/mind to react instinctively, so while your conscious attention is on your opponent, your subconscious is working out all the details of his plans and the future and how to react to the immediate stuff. Maybe we all have this multiple levels of thinking, maybe most of us have already got the whole concept of the conscious blur-point with subconscious detail down, in one way or the other. Maybe we just don't normally do it totally on purpose, with awareness of what we're doing.
Possession is 90% of the Law
One of the things in that meditation was realizing that trying to affect a ton of things outside me was impossible, and instead I had to pull them all into me, then clean/integrate them neatly, and THEN they got the effect desired; then I had to set them free to be whatever. I guess this is a kind of lesson about anything: in order to have ownership of something, you have to be aware that it is a part of you. It can't seem external. Once it's internal, then you can do what you will with it. In a way this is the most fundamental lesson of archetype meditations.
And yet, it didn't work for my outer guides. I have imagined them external and sent them energy before and it's worked. When I tried to pull them internal and share in that meditation, it didn't work at all. Odd, that. Could it be the whole nature of being 'outer guides' is some kind of *need* for separation between us?
So I asked Nero.
Who was... 'present' in 'this' awareness (without the meditative inner world) on my request, just like last night.
Me: Do outer guides 'need' to be external?
Nero: They ARE external.
Me: But I thought everything in the universe was part of me?
Nero: You are mixing models, rather like mixing metaphors.
Me: Oh.
Me: What's the best way to work with an outer guide?
Nero: You're doing it.
Me: When you answer questions before I've had time to think the words out, it bugs me.
Me: I haven't done the exercises you set for me over a year ago. Are you disappointed in me?
Nero: You're disappointed in you.
Me: That isn't what I asked.
Nero: My job is to teach you. What that means in terms of your perceived time is up to you. It doesn't really have anything to do with me.
Me: You're not affected by time?
Nero: Not in the way you are, no.
Me: Can you help me get thinner?
Nero: We can work on anything.
Me: Do guides have a specific thing they work on?
Nero: Many do. My range is larger than many, smaller than some. It's mostly geared toward your inner-awareness.
Me: What is your job with me?
Nero: Guides are teachers.
Me: Am I a punishment assignment?
Nero: {seems to find that funny} Not any more than any other human. I am learning from this too.
Me: How come I can talk to you now and used to never be able to hear you?
Nero: You decided to allow that.
Me: Because of the sort-of crush I have on you?
Nero: That's a simplified interpretation of a more complex emotion.
Me: You mean... because I feel drawn to you because I'm supposed to?
Nero: Something like that.
Me: How come I still can't hear other outer guides very well, or see them well?
Nero: You haven't allowed it.
Me: But that one time I saw an outer guide, realer-than-real, stark clarity, that was amazing. And I remember I kept ranting, "I can SEE you!" over and over. That was Brin. But then later I spontaneously let him go. I don't know why. So the only one I saw that clearly is the one I lost. Kind of like loving IG and then they leave. If I learn to see and hear and love other outer guides, will they leave me?
Nero: Some will. This reflects a state of development. When you reach that, neither of you have further need of the other for progress.
Me: If my real life worked that way, it would be an endless series of annoyances and challenges and things that need to be better aligned to work and obnoxious people.
Nero: {long poignant silence}
Me: Oh... I see.
Me: Well geez, why can't it be an endless series of glorious things?
Nero: It could be, but that would be a different lesson, different life.
Me: Oh.
Me: So if I start to like you too well, will you leave me too? I know I'm being a baby but everytime an IG leaves I feel abandoned.
Nero: Eventually. But probably not in this life. I am part of your larger pattern.
{I had the sense he meant the me which was of the four, which was of the 16, and so on. He is one of the 16, the first and most dominant I've met.}
Me: Can you give me the lottery numbers?
Nero: What do you think?
Me: Never mind. (sigh)
Me: How much of you is in my head?
Nero: If you can't touch me, I'm all in your head.
Me: I mean, how much of you is real?
Nero: Define real.
Me: I mean, how much of you is imagination?
Nero: Imagination is the tool that delivers you the information. That doesn't make it the source of the information. Like a television does not source the information, it's just a carrier. You know that from the archetype work.
Me: Well yeah but... ok I'm not asking this right I guess. Is my conversation with you just deluding myself?
Nero: About what?
Me: About you, about you being a separate identity, or whatever.
Nero: No, but it wouldn't really matter. If you imagined talking to yourself and got answers, and you did it well, it would be just as useful if you actually talked to a guide and got answers.
Me: So... you mean kind of like that time OTO's Bill Heidrick told me that stuff about his opinion on aliens and entities, and he said whether we considered them part of us or apart from us, was a cultural label and how we needed to see it, and not any objective thing. Whether you are a part of me or apart from me is like that?
Nero: Yes and no. But for simplicity, yes. You have said you feel that spiritual technology is a personal relationship. Consider this a personal relationship you would not have in the same way, if you perceived outer guides as part of you. Sometimes there is an advantage to considering something a part of you, like in your earlier meditation. Sometimes there is an advantage to considering something apart from you.
Me: Ok. I think I see. I think.
Me: Will you view with me?
Nero: Yes, if you like.
Me: Can you be like, a monitor?
Nero: If you like.
Me: Will it help me?
Nero: That process is up to you, not me.
Me: Oh. ok.
Me (after thinking): So... if I suck, it's my fault, that's what you're saying.
Nero: Let me choose my own words.
Me: Sorry.
Nero: I viewed with you once before.
Me: When?
{Then I remembered: It was when he was giving me the exercises, visualizations of a red open triangle and a white open circle. Over a year ago I think? Not sure. (The Red Cairo blog has info about meeting him.) He showed me how my focus could hold it steadily a lot better if I imagined it slowly turning. The slight constant shift of it provided 'new' information that allowed my focus to stay-current. Otherwise, when something is static, the focus after a moment starts sliding off to anything 'moving'. Rather like looking at a still field, and it is the one thing in motion that gets your attention; this is the way body-senses work too. Keeping something in slight motion, allows the focus to stay constantly re-focused on that single thing. Well he had shown me that and told me to practice visualizing these two things until they were very clear for me, even in front of me with my eyes open in real life. I had gone into a session then and he had interjected to show me this shape. It was a rounded rectangle, thick, slightly curved, and it was so incredibly clear and real-seeming I could hardly believe it. I thought to myself that he was demonstrating how real this stuff should seem when I was practiced. But a short time later when I got feedback, which was little more than that EXACT shape in an object, I realized that he had been helping me with the data; that it was using the same process/dynamic that he had been showing me a few minutes prior. I'd forgotten all about this until just now.}
Now I'm REALLY Rambling...
Totally unrelated, sorta: I've often thought maybe a problem in RV is keeping the actual target in focus rather than shifting to more focus on the data incoming or what it sparks. I wonder if there is a way to hold the target in focus but imagine it moving slightly so it can stay more presently in single-focus without the 'movement' of other-info related to it, 'distracting' the mind.
Hmmn. I wonder if it can be held in blur-focus like the exercise and then let the elements get worked out and presented by the subconscious. In a way this almost sums up RV except I've never had quite that model/state of mind for it the way I did for that meditation.
I wonder if you can hold something in a blur-focus but yet with the task intent as that point-of-light (rather like the trapped soul exercise with Archangel Michael) AND have it rotating slightly or something for better singular fixed focus.
Or maybe I am making this way, way too complicated... maybe it should be more simple, not less...
OK. I should be spending time on work or my next meditation, not blogging.
PJ
Random Thoughts
I was thinking just a bit ago, while driving my kid to school, about where I have felt that feeling before. The one in the meditation and in the dream both. The one where there is much info under the surface, you don't and even can't know it consciously, but you have to trust that your subconscious can handle it, and you have to hold your conscious intent in such a way as to make that happen.
It's an odd contradiction of sorts. You can't look at it directly consciously; none of it is clear enough, and focusing on any one thing would make it impossible, it would mess it up. Kind of like how when you're doing something fast and complicated, physically, sometimes you have to NOT focus-in or you will screw it up; you have to let that semi-autonomous part of your brain, the one that manages the amazing physics of catching a ball when juggling 5 of them, to operate. In a way you are UN-focusing on any-single-thing consciously, while holding the intent that the lower-level of your brain is going to be able to catch any number of unknown things SUBconsciously, and at the same time you have to hold this sort of "optimistic, positive expectation and belief that it could be ok, this could work."
I think this relates to probabilities and creating reality. So often we don't really know WHAT it is we are trying to accomplish; if we did, we would be trying to force only a single outcome which is vastly less probable; what we really NEED, is the ability of the part of ourself that CAN manage all that confusing mess of probabilities, to reach down in there, sift out the ones that are decently probable and good and one way or another (no matter how indirectly or surprisingly) will bring about the desired end result.
But with the conscious mind, if we are focused on any specific thing, that is what our intention follows. So we can't focus on any one thing during this. But we do have to focus on the base intent (the positive expectation and how the lower-level is sorting probabilities) in order to "force" the process to occur.
So it really IS like those magic-eye pictures:
1 - You deliberately are staring at it (paying attention), but
2 - You are creating a blur-point and not focusing on it, and
3 - You accept that your brain is going to work out the hidden pattern, then
4 - The pattern starts becoming conscious, and you give it time to flesh out, then
5 - You can finally shift your single-focus to the newly-exposed pattern, and actually SEE the 'hidden picture' which now, to your focus at least is "fully manifested".
Hmmmnnn.
I'm reminded of one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite movies, "The Zero Effect" by Jake Kasdan (starring Bill Pullman, who I really like):
PJ
It's an odd contradiction of sorts. You can't look at it directly consciously; none of it is clear enough, and focusing on any one thing would make it impossible, it would mess it up. Kind of like how when you're doing something fast and complicated, physically, sometimes you have to NOT focus-in or you will screw it up; you have to let that semi-autonomous part of your brain, the one that manages the amazing physics of catching a ball when juggling 5 of them, to operate. In a way you are UN-focusing on any-single-thing consciously, while holding the intent that the lower-level of your brain is going to be able to catch any number of unknown things SUBconsciously, and at the same time you have to hold this sort of "optimistic, positive expectation and belief that it could be ok, this could work."
I think this relates to probabilities and creating reality. So often we don't really know WHAT it is we are trying to accomplish; if we did, we would be trying to force only a single outcome which is vastly less probable; what we really NEED, is the ability of the part of ourself that CAN manage all that confusing mess of probabilities, to reach down in there, sift out the ones that are decently probable and good and one way or another (no matter how indirectly or surprisingly) will bring about the desired end result.
But with the conscious mind, if we are focused on any specific thing, that is what our intention follows. So we can't focus on any one thing during this. But we do have to focus on the base intent (the positive expectation and how the lower-level is sorting probabilities) in order to "force" the process to occur.
So it really IS like those magic-eye pictures:
1 - You deliberately are staring at it (paying attention), but
2 - You are creating a blur-point and not focusing on it, and
3 - You accept that your brain is going to work out the hidden pattern, then
4 - The pattern starts becoming conscious, and you give it time to flesh out, then
5 - You can finally shift your single-focus to the newly-exposed pattern, and actually SEE the 'hidden picture' which now, to your focus at least is "fully manifested".
Hmmmnnn.
I'm reminded of one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite movies, "The Zero Effect" by Jake Kasdan (starring Bill Pullman, who I really like):
Now, a few words on looking for things. When you go looking for something specific, your chances of finding it are very bad. Because of all the things in the world, you're only looking for one of them. When you go looking for anything at all, your chances of finding it are very good. Because of all the things in the world, you're sure to find some of them.-- Daryl Zero
PJ
Dream: Flooding
I dreamed last night, and I think it symbolically relates to the meditative stuff so I'm putting it here.
I lived on a fairly high floor on an island. But it was storming bigtime, a literal typhoon, high winds and seas, and the waters and flooding came. Concerned it was going to reach my floor even though it was so high, I became really worried when it was obvious it would. A wave knocked down the outer wall of my apartment and I grabbed the big soft sofa and held on as tight as I could.
The sofa I was on washed out of my apartment and into the water. Sure I would capsize and die at any moment, or something big would hit me and I would die at any moment, or in fact SOMETHING was likely to happen causing me to die at any moment, I held on to the sofa, closed my eyes tight, and tried to "think positively about every good probability that could happen to save me"--not to spell it out in my mind, because I did not know WHAT those probabilities might be, but to allow them, to assume that my subconscious was capable of finding and arranging them, it feeling just like when I had allowed the many disparate archetypes to come under connection in my meditation earlier--and time passed.
I woke up later to find myself floating near the far shore of a different island that had been a helluva distance away. This was astronomically improbable, that I would survive the storm and flood and typhoon and end up that far away. As my sofa beached itself, I got up and waded through the water toward the shore. There was a small loose group of people there, some of whom came to me curiously, and when it became known that I had miraculously survived getting washed out a high window all the way from the other island, I became something of an instant celebrity.
I stayed on that island for awhile.
Eventually when things were cleaning up a bit I went back to my own island. My building was still standing. I went up the stairs to my floor and into my apartment. The wall was gone of course, and most of the door, and a portion of the wall to the next one over. There was a sign saying that they (someone official) was going to be "re-flooring" part of my level and all of my apartment, so I walked gingerly.
In the next apartment, two women were there, one black and one white. {Note: this is a symbol of the Four for me, the polarities.} They made it clear to me that I was not going to be appropriate living on that island anymore. The authorities had imposed rules that would somehow, implicitly be a problem for me. I didn't really understand. I went to a different part of the island, and some political council was meeting, walking around looking at the situation, and one of the men saw me, and said that I was to be jailed... for something that seemed kind of retarded, but also seemed to relate to my gall in surviving that storm and going to the other island.
I considered living there in hiding. Taking a new identity. But I saw the future, where eventually I was caught. I decided I simply wouldn't be able to live on that island any more. The other one had seemed so much more free, even though it was less developed, and the people were kinder to me. So I was arranging to get a flight back to the other island when I woke up.
In my dreams, water nearly always represents spirit, houses nearly always represent the structure of my reality, vehicles (from bikes to cars) represent my body. When I've had fairly significant internal shifts, I have often dreamed about various kinds of flooding, often ocean (I am a beach-girl, growing up, so it's usually ocean). Seems at least potentially related to the meditations earlier.
Hoping to get to another later today.
PJ
I lived on a fairly high floor on an island. But it was storming bigtime, a literal typhoon, high winds and seas, and the waters and flooding came. Concerned it was going to reach my floor even though it was so high, I became really worried when it was obvious it would. A wave knocked down the outer wall of my apartment and I grabbed the big soft sofa and held on as tight as I could.
The sofa I was on washed out of my apartment and into the water. Sure I would capsize and die at any moment, or something big would hit me and I would die at any moment, or in fact SOMETHING was likely to happen causing me to die at any moment, I held on to the sofa, closed my eyes tight, and tried to "think positively about every good probability that could happen to save me"--not to spell it out in my mind, because I did not know WHAT those probabilities might be, but to allow them, to assume that my subconscious was capable of finding and arranging them, it feeling just like when I had allowed the many disparate archetypes to come under connection in my meditation earlier--and time passed.
I woke up later to find myself floating near the far shore of a different island that had been a helluva distance away. This was astronomically improbable, that I would survive the storm and flood and typhoon and end up that far away. As my sofa beached itself, I got up and waded through the water toward the shore. There was a small loose group of people there, some of whom came to me curiously, and when it became known that I had miraculously survived getting washed out a high window all the way from the other island, I became something of an instant celebrity.
I stayed on that island for awhile.
Eventually when things were cleaning up a bit I went back to my own island. My building was still standing. I went up the stairs to my floor and into my apartment. The wall was gone of course, and most of the door, and a portion of the wall to the next one over. There was a sign saying that they (someone official) was going to be "re-flooring" part of my level and all of my apartment, so I walked gingerly.
In the next apartment, two women were there, one black and one white. {Note: this is a symbol of the Four for me, the polarities.} They made it clear to me that I was not going to be appropriate living on that island anymore. The authorities had imposed rules that would somehow, implicitly be a problem for me. I didn't really understand. I went to a different part of the island, and some political council was meeting, walking around looking at the situation, and one of the men saw me, and said that I was to be jailed... for something that seemed kind of retarded, but also seemed to relate to my gall in surviving that storm and going to the other island.
I considered living there in hiding. Taking a new identity. But I saw the future, where eventually I was caught. I decided I simply wouldn't be able to live on that island any more. The other one had seemed so much more free, even though it was less developed, and the people were kinder to me. So I was arranging to get a flight back to the other island when I woke up.
In my dreams, water nearly always represents spirit, houses nearly always represent the structure of my reality, vehicles (from bikes to cars) represent my body. When I've had fairly significant internal shifts, I have often dreamed about various kinds of flooding, often ocean (I am a beach-girl, growing up, so it's usually ocean). Seems at least potentially related to the meditations earlier.
Hoping to get to another later today.
PJ
Med: My Biggest Problem, Take 1
Well, the new IG and I started our first meditation today.
It was on "my biggest problem." This was destined to be a problem meditation because, of course, it's on a problem. The bigger the problem, the more likely the archetype will be unclear, the process confusing, etc.
(Unless it's one of those where the arch is instead, utterly terrifying. I recall doing a couple of 'fear of psi' archmeds, which I thought would be no issue at all, that were so frightening I had to do them during the day with my eyes open, standing against one wall and placing my sense of the archetype at the other side of the room. But usually problems start fuzzy and confusing, not scary.)
My idea of 'my biggest problem' is that IG should choose. It could be something physical, emotional, spiritual, psychological, some issue in my manifested reality, some combination of things -- totally up to IG. After working one round, the next request for 'my biggest problem' should, logically, be something different, as we assume that the one already dealt with is then improved.
Meditations on any problem are a pain in the ass. They often take me several tries, even days if not a week, to get all the way through the process. The diplomatic explanation is that it is a difficult process requiring much internal adjustment, and this has "its own time". The plain explanation is that I'm a wimp and tend to use distraction/denial as a shield, so it just takes me forever. I have what my buddy Eric calls the OLAP syndrome: "Adjusting this, doing that, then re-- OH LOOK, A PONY!" Some kind of psycho-spiritual ADD.
I wasn't looking forward to doing this with my new IG, since I don't know her yet and am slightly nervous as to how it's going to go. But this is the way it worked out, so I will have to assume there is some reason for that and go with it.
It was on "my biggest problem." This was destined to be a problem meditation because, of course, it's on a problem. The bigger the problem, the more likely the archetype will be unclear, the process confusing, etc.
(Unless it's one of those where the arch is instead, utterly terrifying. I recall doing a couple of 'fear of psi' archmeds, which I thought would be no issue at all, that were so frightening I had to do them during the day with my eyes open, standing against one wall and placing my sense of the archetype at the other side of the room. But usually problems start fuzzy and confusing, not scary.)
My idea of 'my biggest problem' is that IG should choose. It could be something physical, emotional, spiritual, psychological, some issue in my manifested reality, some combination of things -- totally up to IG. After working one round, the next request for 'my biggest problem' should, logically, be something different, as we assume that the one already dealt with is then improved.
Meditations on any problem are a pain in the ass. They often take me several tries, even days if not a week, to get all the way through the process. The diplomatic explanation is that it is a difficult process requiring much internal adjustment, and this has "its own time". The plain explanation is that I'm a wimp and tend to use distraction/denial as a shield, so it just takes me forever. I have what my buddy Eric calls the OLAP syndrome: "Adjusting this, doing that, then re-- OH LOOK, A PONY!" Some kind of psycho-spiritual ADD.
I wasn't looking forward to doing this with my new IG, since I don't know her yet and am slightly nervous as to how it's going to go. But this is the way it worked out, so I will have to assume there is some reason for that and go with it.
29APR08 5:30pm cdt
When I opened up my interior world, I just really didn't feel like going down to the sub-world where my archmeds are done. I figured this was the first sign of denial. So I started to go, but then I really didn't feel like getting there in the normal way. I don't mean I was feeling creative. I mean I felt resistant to the point of, I would have gotten stubborn and angry if anything had tried to 'make' me.
My interior space is at the top of a super high plateau (much like the pic on my Red Cairo blog in a way which is why I chose it) and I have a process for getting to my archetype subworld: I walk down this dirt path to a metal cage elevator at the top-side of the back of the plateau. I ride it down to ground level. I open it and walk across a small field of corn which is just a bit taller than I am (I can't see over it). At the edge of the field there is a brief clearing surrounding the opening of a cave.
I step into the cave (which is mostly-dark) and just a few steps in a small creek/river comes up and parallels the pathway. About 15 steps in there is a tiny stone footbridge that goes over the creek to the left, and just a few steps straight off that is another cave opening, this into an outer world. But not the same world that I came from somehow. I go to the outer world, take a right and walk along the wall of hill (that is the cave I walked through), and then take a left and walk straight across a small field to a space under a huge spread-out tree. There are some benches there, and that's where I meet IG.
So the overall process is that I go 'deep down' and then I go inward, left, right, left. Many IG meds are done fully within a cave, but I only go through it briefly, and I always begin in my interior space (up on the plateau). There are other areas both in the outer world (the plateau world) and in the inner world (the cave world).
But I just so did NOT feel like going down there in the ordinary way. So this was a little different for sure, but I imagined having wings like Daedelus, and I flew down there, swooping around a bit, and then finally coming up beside the cave entrance and slowing down till I was walking. That was kind of cool.
The creek in the cave was bigger than normal. God only knows why. It's been the same for like 15+ years now but today it's different.
I went to see IG and we just stood there. I still don't see her well. I felt frustrated again, that she is not my last IG and I don't know her and I didn't feel like doing this with her. I stalked and paced around the small area under the tree for awhile. I got distracted by life several times and had to come back to it. Finally I got my act together and told her what I wanted.
She began creating something. No IG has done that before. I ask for an archetype, they manifest someone/thing, and I turn around and work with it. I've never had an IG create anything other than an archetype behind me.
She created this giant sphere that went from the ground to far above us, in a circle as big as the cave wall across the small field would allow. Until we were enclosed. And then she said, "This is your biggest problem."
But when I turned around, instead of an archetype behind me, there was stuff all over the place, around us. People? Creatures? Machines? I couldn't tell -- just STUFF that was rolling and flying and bouncing off the walls and ceiling. I had the impression of something like a carnival, of lots of garish colors and offbeat people or things and machines in motion and cluttered jumbled "chaos".
I stood there trying to see it better, as the motion was clear in little pieces of time, but the details of everything was far too fuzzy, and I finally decided I was going to have to take a break and do some stuff in life, think about it a bit, and come back to deal with it later.
I've never had an archetype that wasn't just a single something. I've a single thing in obvious pieces but that's not the same. I felt like it was a whole small world of stuff. No idea what to do with it. So... more later.
30APR08 7:00pm cdt
When I returned to the interior today, a ton more outer guides were on the plateau than usual. I eyed them suspiciously. "Does this relate to the new IG, or to the med I'm doing right now?" I asked.
"Everything relates to you," one said helpfully.
(Outer guides, like Star Trek's infamous Deanna Troi, reveal 'secrets' that'd be blindingly obvious to an idiot. Why ask?)
I stood at the back edge of my super high plateau and looked down at the tiny valley with corn field and cave below. I imagined my wings and dived off, and flew around until I was at the mouth of the cave, and I went in, and then out the other side into the arch world, and over to see IG. When I nodded to her she shifted me inside the huge dome-structure of the archetype she'd created and I was back where I was when I left.
And just as confused. I closed my eyes (even inside my head) and tried to just 'feel' everything around me. The garish colors and flashing lights and constant chaotic jumbled motion seemed just as apparent somehow. I saw flashes of faces that I've been seeing in my head since I left the archmed yesterday: sorta like human faces, but exaggerated in some cartoonish or stylized way that is just "proportionally off". I'd already realized (finally) that some of the sudden visual *ping* of a face was related to the "in progress" medition, but... so what. They just looked like bizarre characters.
I stood there awhile and finally decided that in order to really get a handle on even a single thing, I needed to get a better lock on it. Since I couldn't see anything clearly when I looked at it directly, I locked onto one thing/entity in motion and imagined pouring energy into it, trying to get it to become more clear to me. It seemed to get larger, fuller, denser and heavier, and a man with super red hair and beard but a disproportionately long face in the middle, who seemed to be riding some kind of motorized thing around the side of the dome walls, seemed a bit more apparent. Unfortunately, this didn't give me an idea what to do with him, because I had to deal with ALL of it, and he and his whatever thing he was riding were just one tiny part of a much bigger confusing mess of motion.
I finally turned to IG and said, "Ok, you got me. I give up. What the heck am I supposed to *do* with all this??"
She didn't speak but into my head came the "understanding" that I needed to allow "lower levels of brain operation to help me" get a handle on all these disparate elements. Rather like Abramelin on Invisibility, when that identity talked to me about the multiple "levels" of thought. She was 'implying' that I was supposed to realize I couldn't possibly multi-track all this at once, and allow parts of my mind better at handling complex stuff to take care of it.
I anchored myself in the very center of the dome-arch, and I imagined energy coming into my chakras, and going out of them, and connecting with everything in there, and I breathed in and out calmly in an attempt to connect. I imagined that I was clear and energy could flow through me to and from them.
I relaxed, and told my mind, "Find the pattern in the motion." Like those magic-eye pictures, I had the idea suddenly that the motion was as much a hidden pattern my mind could find, as those visual pictures are. But you can't do it consciously, you have to let lower levels of your mind take care of that. (Probably the idea was sparked by the Abramelin association a few moments earlier, since I thought of those pics during that experience too.)
So I asked what felt like deeper parts of myself (the savant to my idiot :-)) to calculate all of that, to find the pattern in all of it, and to arrange the proper connection between me and all the energy-forms in the dome. I sat quietly and held that intent, feeling it gradually happen, feeling more and more of the bulk forms and motions "link in". Eventually, I could feel it -- not super clear still, but enough to take it seriously -- I had everything connected "through" me. The motion had slowed to slow-motion in most cases, not like stopped, more like suspended in time.
I wasn't sure what to do with everything now that I had it, but I figured I should attempt the normal archetype process with it, even if so far, nothing about this process had been normal at all. I wanted to run the water of life, light of life, etc. over and through everything/everyone, but I couldn't seem to make it work. They were all over the place and indistinct.
So I stood there for a bit more trying to figure out what the solution was to this. Then it came to me. I pulled every thing to me in turn, rapidly, absorbing everything. It gave me the impression of shining two films on the same screen, then three, then four--then dozens and dozens. When it was done, I felt like I had many dozens of disparate things inside and the end-result picture was just a big blot inside me, with nothing clear.
So I pulled the water of life and light of life through me one by one, imagining that anything IN me, I have authority for, and I imagined cleaning and purifying every "layer" in me (energy forms from the dome I'd absorbed), until everything was equally respected as its own "thing", pure and clean, and yet also "harmoniously together in me". This took a little while but was eventually done.
I was surprised, though, that the deliberate merge with all those things hadn't supplied any physical "rush" like a good arch-merge does. Now granted this is a problem, often you can't merge or you feel nothing if you haven't had a good integrative experience in the med, but I'd done all that cleansing and everything and still not felt anything.
I felt that I was supposed to release all the energy-forms, to be themselves. I was expecting they would go back to their normal ways.
But my garish, cluttered chaotic carnival aesthetic, had shifted. Now it was more like some kind of flying faery ballet. There were still colors, but they were iridescent rather than garish. There was still motion all over, but it all seemed graceful, like a planned dance. There were still people, but they seemed like beautiful be-ribboned sorts rather than bizarre carnies.
So apparently the work inside me had worked.
Then I felt was the time I should be merging--now, as equals, with respect, not to control them but to share with them myself, as much as anything. So I imagined inviting all of them back in, and genuinely opening myself to them. And everything joined me inside, and it was interesting, yet I still felt no sense of the real merge. As the last objects and things in motion at the farthest points finally shifted into me, everything was gone--the dome was empty--and so I imagined that I just collapsed the whole dome into energy and absorbed that too.
And THEN I felt the merge, and my whole body got the deep-buzz-shivers-rush that a decent merge will give you. Not a great one mind you--but enough to recognize that whatever I did, had at least some effect.
I turned to IG. "I feel like I didn't do it good enough, or do enough, or there is something else I'm supposed to do," I complained, "But I don't know what."
"You did fine," she said kindly, and kissed my forehead. Whoa. No IG has ever done that kind of thing unless I knew them reaaallllly well. I wonder if that's a difference in the gender (maybe some mother association?) or if, as an identity, she is simply different than the IGs I've had before and I should just accept that.
I will be back for more. I left, before my ridiculous emotional sense of hoping to please her started to embarrass me, and I flew back up to my plateau -- I actually *felt* the sense of soaring and "increased elevation" which was kind of cool.
Later
When I got to the top, all the OGs (outer guides) were still there. I imagined pulling them in like I had the others, and giving them energy, and then I put them back. Nobody moved. "Did that change anything or help at all?" I asked.
"Not really," one admitted. "A few of us of different nature, slightly." I sighed. Outer guides and inner guides somehow have different dynamics I still don't understand well. (One of the funniest experiences was when I dragged an outer guide into one of my inner guide meditations. He acted like it blew his mind.)
So I just imagined sending energy to all of them, and then formally requested they all help me however they thought was best... as long as it wasn't anything that harmed my health, body, car, finances, family, house, or... well ok then darn it, just help me in a way that I consider positive or at least not seriously negative!
I was going to wrap it up but I felt like I should do something else. I wasn't sure what, but I remembered that up ahead on the plateau was a spot I'd once gone down through and eventually gotten to the bottom of my brain stem, which is where my psychology thinks a "control center" is located. Actually there are a few of these, but this one, when I visited it in 1996, was like a small room filled with TV-style monitors, and a man working the room, and a machine that at the time, took a VCR tape, and then sent the message out to the whole body-life-reality. Back then, it shot gold light through every screen and I literally FELT gold-light-energy rushing through my entire nervous system (and a seeming miracle of synchronicity happened 15 seconds later). Anyway, I thought maybe I would go back there.
But I decided to skip the long intuitive process of stairs, elevators, slides, hiking, etc. that had formed the bizarre downward path last time, and I just imagined closing my eyes and sliding. It was like being on a large water slide, but not as much fun... I turned various ways and the slide turned all over and back again and sometimes up again for a bit, and eventually dumped me out in a hallway in front of the door. I went in, and the same guy was there. Normal looking guy.
I asked him if he could help me best construct my "new programming" that I wanted him to implement. He nodded yes. I started explaining that I wanted to do more viewing, but wait no, I want to be better at it, but no wait, what I really want is to be more aware, but wait no, what I really want is to be more aware BUT in deliberate and interesting and helpful ways (I've learned the hard way not to just ask for evolution or awareness--there's all kinds of crap I really do NOT want to be 'aware' of again), but wait no, what I really want is just to be more MOTIVATED to be CONSTRUCTIVE toward awareness because I know I'm good at all this if I just bother doing it, and --
-- he stopped me, and I didn't have to look at him to know if he were in this world his eyes would have been rolling about me. "One clear instruction," he said. "And it needs to be something you will allow." That gave me pause. How do I know?
So I finally said, "I want to be more positively motivated toward increasing my awareness." He nodded. "Do you need me to merge or something?" I asked. "Do you want sex?" He actually laughed. (Jesus -- I am so hormonal lately!) "No." he said, seeming bemused. "But you can join me for the process if you want." And he stepped into me from behind me, as if our bodies were simply sharing the same space, and he put our hands out, and energy from them created a small disk, like a CD but about half that size and thicker. Then he/we dropped it in this machine that sent the instructions out everywhere, and pressed the button.
Nothing happened.
"It's dark and silent," I said, confused. "What happened to the gold light and stuff, like all those years ago?"
"You are restricting this," he said. And he/we looked inside me, and saw that particularly in the energetic area around my waist, a little below/above that, I had tons of natural energy pathways, but they were all locked miserably together. Imagine something like... a thin garden hose, winding all over, and then imagine you've taken thin clear fishing line, and you have basically sewed it all together--not pierced anywhere, just wrapped so tightly all over that it is all held together and nothing can move at all.
I imagined light, then I asked for the Violet Flame (an old exercise from eons past) and imagined a whole lightning bolt of it flashing through my body and specifically dissolving that entrapping thread-stuff. It dissolved off part of it. I did this several times, and he was helping by shaking and separating the energy coils as soon as I got the entrapping stuff off, until finally I was pretty much clear inside at least as far as this was concerned.
"Let's do this again," he suggested. I closed my eyes, and imagined 'sharing' myself with him and 'allowing' the new instructions.
I saw them go out... but it was kind of dim. And I didn't really get any rush from it at all, and that's a hard-core rush when it happens (even compared to archs), so I don't know that I accomplished much. I thanked him anyway, figuring I'll need to go back there again at some point and try again, and I returned to the top of the plateau.
And then...
Just as I was about to wrap it up, I thought of the Four. I didn't have time to visit them. Nero appeared about two feet in front of me, slightly to the right. If I'd put my right arm nearly straight out I'd have hit him. I was surprised. "This is my outer guide area," I said. "You can show up here?" "I am a guide," he said, as if stating the obvious. "Of course I can."
I thought about that for a moment--true, he is part of the ... 16 or 32 or whatever it is that is the next outer-circle to The Four--but the first time I met him, it was as a guide, that is true. I still haven't done the exercises he set for me (visualizations, kind of similar to occult-magick exercises) and have avoided him because although I know he is supposed to teach me, and he acts like I'm waaaay overdue for stuff (as if I'm irresponsible kinda), I feel sort of embarrassed about my laziness.
I closed up the world (I imagine rolling it up into a microdot and storing it in my heart chakra), and sat back against my pillows, and opened my eyes and looked at my cat.
And Nero reappeared a couple feet in front of me again. Not really visually, although I had a sense of his visual. Not... aesthetically. Not sensory-ally. I don't know how to describe it. It isn't even what I would normally call an 'awareness' because that usually has a nearly-physical inner-sense attached. It was like just a pure mental awareness, perhaps. I said, "Good lord! You mean you can just like... just appear even HERE? Outside my inner/outer guide area?!"
"Yes," he said. I didn't know what to say. Part of me was thinking, "That is so cool! Maybe I could use this like, during viewing or something, as a new sort of interactive thing. He can monitor me, haha!" Another part of me was thinking, "Oh, GREAT. Now if I wanna scratch my butt I'm going to feel like some spiritual entity is watching me!" He grinned. "Not my focus," he assured me. "Well," I said, feeling sort of weird now, "Then I want to be able to say, like 'Curtain!' and have you vanish, so I don't feel like you're watching in... you know... private times." He sort of almost bowed japanese style, and I had this sense of a curtain pulling around him as he turned and he was gone.
I don't know how I can talk about him vanishing when he was never visual to begin with. I feel like such an idiot describing some of this stuff.
I didn't have to really hold any energy for him in terms of "enabling autonomy" like with archs. He seems to have his OWN autonomy. He is not an archetype; he's a guide and somehow connected, on a less close level, to the Four. I honestly don't understand what any of this stuff means or how it works. There were many others the Four introduced me to, but he's the only one I've felt close to and that has made a point to seek me out several times.
Anyway. I'm not sure what to think about that. I have known people who talked about guides like they were present around them all the time. I've not really understood all that... sort of intellectually... not really in practice. I mean, I could not hear a word any guide said for eons when I started this work--I could see their mouths move and 'feel' them trying to communicate, drove us all crazy--some kind of block I guess. At least sometimes I can interact now. But I've never had one feel so... present in the 'normal' world, not the internal/archetypal area before.
I'm not sure what all I accomplished this evening, but I feel like I accomplished *something*. Hopefully the next couple weeks, if I can stay with this fairly consistently, will amp up this process quite a bit and make them more effective.
PJ
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