*
What is really the difference between the archetype of an energy and the energy? I know officially it is 'my relationship' with that thing; not that-thing-itself. But how could I perceive it without my relationship in the way anyway? Is it impossible to truly perceive any thing as it truly is?
The-thing-itself, I suspect, would always be a geometry. Does that mean that everything manifest that doesn't come across like an 11-D geometric shape is, actually, an 'archetype'? A symbol or translation? So we are walking around an entire landscape of "symbols not things"? Skyscrapers and flowers and cats and cars... no different than if they were green cubes and yellow tetrahedrons that chirped?
Is it that we acclimatize to the symbols and so we hard-wire the neural perception like a shortcut to meaning, and we start thinking that every thing IS instead the symbol?
Do the QBL (Kabbalah) "correspondences" have validity because everything we perceive is not a 'thing' but 'an archetype/symbol'? So it's not that there are things, and then symbolic meaning; it's that everything is symbolic meaning. It's not that we have a viewing target of the Eiffel Tower and get symbolic data; it's that the target itself IS symbolic, because everything is. There is no such thing as literal data only matching-symbols. Hmmn. That might give a different idea regarding RV data if I think about it enough.
Does a geometry found 'within' the tiny span of filtered frequencies our biological bodies inhabit, look like "a rose" not just because of our personal relationship to that energy, but because of its relationship to the "aery worlds" of the frequency 'layers' it's perceived from within? So we see it not only as we are, but as the combined energy of those layered worlds (a combined identity we loosely call "reality") is, as well?
And what if the worlds we inhabit are themselves an interpretive framework? So we are interacting not just with that thing (rose), not just with our own thing (subjective perspective down to energy-level, which makes whatever we perceive "our archetype"), but also with that place which itself is a living-consciousness?
Maybe things look different to me "inside" than outside in part because those aery worlds I perceive within 'there' have a different context-interpretation-quality of their own, which changes the aspect-nature of the thing perceived? Totally apart from whatever effect or perspective is contributed by 'me'? (Like how some people would be 'different' depending on whether they were in a judo match vs. helping their grandmother carry groceries, even with the same motion their energy is totally different and if we looked at their energy not just their body we might see them differently.)
And: do we blend with the frequencies our perception is spanning?, so we -- just like what we perceive -- are different in different contexts?
So our 'identity' is always "a composition" and "fluid" even based on "the environment of our consciousness"? Like the diff between pouring blue ink (symbol for 'us' here) into clear water, or red vinegar, or black oil? That it "blends with" the "environment" and then is itself different?
*
So back to: is every 'layer' a world (yes, I believe); I call them "aers" (as opposed to Ether or Aethyr) (aer sounds kinda like layer but doesn't evoke enochian framework and works for me).
So... there's lots and lots of layers/aers in the 'spectrum' we perceive as reality. And of course just like any identity, it can be arbitrarily grouped, and the whole span of it is also one identity. So does our... world-of-perception... have a representative identity? The "Deva of our Reality"?
Gosh this reminds me of the time I had this really powerful dream that "our world's" KING (literally in a spiritual sense) was a Tree, and he was talking to the KING of this nearby world which was a Dragon. They were both just gigantic entities. Yet they only felt like powerful authority entities to me, not so much like holy entities, as more like a planetary entity, yet they didn't feel like Earth or Ganymede have felt to me. Huh. I hadn't thought of this until now.
If we call on a tarot archetypal identity, or the collective energy-form of something to better integrate and understand... then why not call on the deva of our perceptual reality, the deva of our physical reality? If consciousness can be arbitrarily combined and divided, and is more powerful when more 'dense' ("inclusive span"), why not? Those sound like great identities to me.
I have the subtle feeling I am not inventing this. I think some concept of this may exist in QBL and a decade ago I passed it 'skimming' and it simply did not sink in for useful consideration until now.
*
I was working on letting outer-world things show themselves to me inside. I was sitting in a subway sandwich shop at the front of walmart. I was asking various things I heard to give me their inside-me experience.
It was hard. My mind automatically slams down on imagination in my ordinary world. It was like arm-wrestling with myself in my head. The slightest sound or visual or feeling in my head that was not matching my outer reality was slammed out before it could even fully form. Geez. Now I know why I've managed to be so "functional" when other people with my experiences are often ravingly crazy. My brain has a definition set for "objective reality" and it holds to those shapes ruthlessly.
*
I just dozed off rereading this. I had the feeling when I woke up that my thoughts had a pattern, and my head, which was totally leaning to the side, was affecting my thoughts. Then I had this insight that this is literal and relates to the crown chakra and its role in understanding: I have seen even birds and dogs and cats "tilt their head" to the side when attempting to understand something.
I could "sense" for a few moments as I awoke that there is this... space-collection of energy that is very strong-dense, like from a foot above our head and it goes down like to the top of the chest, and it's a straight line that is cohesive and connected, and there is a sense of a sort of brightness at top and bottom, and of the 'geometry' of it changing when you tilt your head.
I sense that it's an attempt to slightly shift the energy-flow and literally "point" the top of it in a slightly different direction with the motion -- akin to 'squinting' but on some energetic-understanding level -- like how you move your straw when the liquid in your glass is nearly gone -- except that is looking to 'find' something at the bottom, and this is just opposite that (at the top instead) -- but it's the same sort of dynamic, of like... sucking in something slightly different.
Like we understand things ever so slightly differently sometimes depending on "where" the very top of our crown chakra is located. I sense this is actually more about our imperfectly open crown chakras. That if we were totally (healthy spiritually by which I mean 'fully realized') it would have equal access to everything. But like a radio, some areas of the dial/frequency come in more clearly than others for us.
*
Back to getting inside me what is outside me recently:
One odd thing: everything that I 'saw' and asked myself for, I got as a sound. But everything I 'heard' and asked myself for, I got as a visual. Go figure!
The soda machine had a constant low churning motor sound. It felt like a brown-grey slightly sticky irregular moving bulbuous cloud-shape that was 2-3.5 foot high. It was like a sort of thick but airy swamp effect filling the place. These colors in my inner world mean things ignored and repressed and the sticky generally means something slightly unhealthy depending on degree of thickness and stickyness (this was thin and only slightly sticky). Occasional tiny, ultra-thin 'thread flares', just for an instant, of various colors would spark near the top of the cloud or sometimes a few to many feet above, so brief I nearly missed them. I was trying to figure out what on earth that would be when I realized it might be harmonics I didn't consciously hear.
The handicapped chairs at walmart make this really loud piercing long-beeping sound when they back up. Someone was doing that shortly after I walked into the store. These shapes flew all over about 5-6 feet high, like a... like 'burst of a quiver of arrows' that went to every person and "more transparent" shorter versions went to people farther away. They were pencil-sized in shape, sharp at front and slim and straight, about an inch in diameter, and had a funky 'stretch' effect, as if instead of just 'being' a certain shape, they began about 6" long but then as they flew rapidly they elongated/grew with a 'rubbery-stretch' feel into something about 6 foot long. They went sharply and fast right through the middle of people's heads!, beginning to dissipate a few feet from their head, as if it was flying into something dissolving it so it got shorter until only a ghost of it about 6" long again, faded away super fast.
I laughed inside. An arrow through the head, that's a good symbol, it feels like that too!
Sitting in subway, I became aware of the insane amount of noise even when it is allegedly quiet. When I closed my eyes and asked for a 'casual feel' of everything, ye gods, it was like being lost in a colorful, irregular, but kind of ugly and chaotic kaleidascope of fogs that varied in shape and density and motion.
Glad we don't have to operate inside that. We'd be grossed out, as well as confused and lost. Guess that's one reason we don't normally 'let ourselves' perceive things inside us. Much of the word is just friggin ugly.
That reminds me that recently in a med in the aer with worlds in bubbles I was hanging out 'in' some whale-like creature deep underwater, and there was some visual but mostly it was like a whole world of sound, and as much small and subtle with that as we get with vision.
Hmmn. Do you suppose this is Nedlund, the Aeon who allegedly relates to "sound" he told me, integrating a little more with me.
*
My dad mentioned someone having a really old computer. I had this insight that the 'dynamic' of technology's rapid growth in our world reflects a dynamic of our own growth as a species, and that this is speeding up, gaining momentum.
We are oblivious to this change in ourselves at large, and this ... increase in novelty ... and resultant devaluing of the more immediate past ... and greater need for [hard to translate] 'component flexibility for integral but partial gradual upgrade' ... is becoming more important to individuals and to whole cultures and to the whole planet. There's more, but essentially, that this whole thing about technology's rapid growth is itself a "symbol".
I hadn't thought about issues and dynamics in the greater world at large as being symbols too, when I asked to be 'shown inside' stuff on the outside.
I was thinking like, what does a blue truck or that person look like inside me? Now I realize how shallow I tend to think!
*
I was standing in the aisle in walmart looking at chocolate chips. Christmas baking time! Low carb and gluten free has taken a hike. I will repent once all the symptoms hit but for now I agreed with my kid we could do some as we are really doing a low-key holiday this year.
I'm thinking (semi-sweet or white?) about my friend who recently 'met' what he is certain is 'my soul-angel'. Apparently those creatures are of a similar species since they seem to look pretty similar for many different people. White hair and ultra blue eyes but as much light-being as human, though in ~human form.
I wonder to myself, "And if I 'let my mind give me a symbol of this', would I see it like that, or would I see something different?" I looked to my right, where a woman stood looking at the bagged baking chopped nuts. She was about 140# overweight and looked very uncomfortable, in pantyhose and business style skirt. I closed my eyes while facing her direction and told my mind, 'show me her angel-of-soul.'
The surprising thing was how EASY it was for this to totally pop right into my visual field.
I mean I usually have to provide a little bit more "help" to the imaginative visualization of something brand new -- like the things noted above -- not 'making' it you understand, but almost like a helping foot-up in imaginative-energy. (Actually that's impossible to describe, so either the reader does this stuff, and gets it, or never will.) But BAM this was right there.
It was slightly diff for me; more soft-opaque light-being than I think they probably are, at least as my symbol or perception goes.
I was startled because it instantly turned and looked right at me.
I love being startled by things built by imagination as to me that validates a little bit of them; if it genuinely surprises me I don't feel I made that part up.
Of course I'm just imagining this, I tell myself. I notice there "is too much going on in the knee to foot area" just like I've noticed like in a super-brief flash I once got in a db RV session on Archangel Michael, as if it's just not as well defined or it's something we don't really grok and the only translation is sort of a thick feathery solid area sorta. But not in detail. I'm going on about this too much, that was only an instant indirect observation.
The woman bends over to get something from a bottom shelf and I was surprised because I thought what I was seeing would bend too, but it didn't. I guess I was thinking of it like some kind of X-ray of the soul like a skeleton or something that would move in every way she did. I thought that was funny then, I'm so ridiculous, as if the angel is going to be doing jumping jacks with you in the morning? hahaha! It *could* but I don't think it would. The whole idea almost made me giggle out loud!
It was more like it just sort of glided/existed 'in the center of her gravity' or something. I had the feeling that it could move 'with' her if it chose, lay down with her, but it was a sort of generality, it was usually standing, sitting or lying, and other motion was trivial-peripheral on her part... definitely the feel that orientation in space and gravity doesn't mean jack.
It was still looking at me. I felt such... "sweetness" in me all the sudden.
What can I do for her? I ask it, having the sudden desire to do something genuinely good for her.
Just be kind, it says. (I really didn't have a gender perception.)
I needed some macademia nuts anyway. So I asked her to help me find them, and I made a point to really look at her and smile sincerely and 'see the holiness in her' as I did. She really smiled in response, like really warmly and real, and I had the oddly sad impression that it had been too long since someone had made that kind of connection with her.
*
Coming out the end of the row a woman is bitching at her small child. He says something in response and I smile sweetly at him, thinking how adorable he is, and as she is turning away, she sees me doing that, and her voice gets kinder, and I realize that when I see the "adorable" in her child, it helps HER to be reminded to see the adorable in him too. And I think of how often that has actually happened with children and parents in stores, I've noticed it before but never thought too much about it.
It occurred to me that maybe if we were able to see the angel in everybody and interact like that, that maybe other people would see the angel better in them too subconsciously, and people might be a little bit nicer. I thought maybe that is part of our creating a joint-reality in some ways. That what we see is not just about what we see on our own, but what we are constantly reminded, in subtle ways, that others see.
I am really fat, and this has a huge (no pun intended) effect on how 'social culture' reacts to me as an individual. I was pretty normal until my early 20s saw a super rapid drastic weight gain, so I got a good view of the drastic "change" in how people reacted to me at 130# vs. 350#. Depending on the person and environ, suddenly I was invisible-er, stupid-er, geeky-er, gross-er, unworthy-er, a whole variety of the "cultural prejudice" that I'm sure anybody who is a minority race or has anything unusual about their appearance has run into to varying degrees. Anyway I only mention this because it makes me think that this is actually at the root of human prejudice. That we see people not just as they are but as we are to begin with, but on top of that, we are constantly affected, subconsciously even, by how we perceive what other-people-perceive. As if it is a "psychic collusion" to "agree on reality" and we are always unconsciously 'adjusting' ourselves to 'conform' with the 'consensus reality' around us. It takes actual "conscious individuality" for people NOT to do that. Not to treat fat people, race-X people, midget people, or whatever, in the way that the people around them, those on "auto-pilot adjust to conform to consensus reality" do. This last paragraph is my own idea, not an 'insight'.
*
We continued out and were walking down the side of the store with all the meat. It's a big area, divided down the middle by 3' high frozen/refrigerated structures that hold turkeys and frozen burritos and sales and so on. It was busy, lots of shoppers, so there were quite a few people throughout the length of the store on both sides.
I thought to myself, as I pondered whether a sirloin petite at the side looked ok, I wonder if everyone's angel looks different, or if people have different sorts, or maybe some are brighter or darker, bigger or smaller? I was actually only 'generally wondering to myself'.
But when I picked up the meat and turned toward my basket, every person from me to the far wall had that humanish lightish white form in them! --which somehow I could see clearly even though I also saw their bodies clearly.
--I might add that is an effect I've never had before. Even in my imagination right now I cannot make two completely opaque visuals occupy the same space and yet both be perceived clearly. It's almost like the "extra-dimensionality of sound" that I've talked about where no sound can replicate the depth and multiple-inclusion of one I hear/feel on the inside; with sound you have to stretch it out in time in 'this' reality, which makes it so... thin and wrong. With vision you have to stretch it out in space. But somehow on the inside you can get things that are 'together' without any contradiction or occlusion of the other.
Immediately every one of them turned and LOOKED at me! All at the same time, like orchestrated motion. In my head I sort of did a mental intake-of-breath in surprise. I mean it was like every one of them 'knew I was looking at them' the instant I was.
I had the feeling inside me of such FUN. Like light-joy-delight. Like they were... they were wearing their people... hahaha! -- like it was all this fabulously fun experiment... the way that we would treat theme park racing track-cars or bumper cars or something we "sat in and operated within pre-designed major limits." As if you could bump into someone hard and that would be as neat an experience as speeding along or going over a waterfall in a log-boat or spinning in a teacup or anything else. It was all this hilariously delightful really "sweet" feeling grand adventure.
I remembered this one time in the mid-90s when I was driving down the highway in Camarillo CA and for a moment, I became the entire landscape, I mean "I" contained everything from the distant small mountains/hills on each side to the far behind me and in front of me, the highway, all the cars, the trees and structures and more along the sides, I mean everything. I was ALL of it. Including the "motion" and the "noise" which somehow was just as much an energy as a tree.On the bright side it did answer my question. Yes, they all looked the same. No, they are not dimmer or brighter. But, they actually did all "fit the body" they were in -- their height was the same or maybe a foot higher in some cases than the person they were inside, so there was that variance -- at least as I grokked prior to looking down after just a couple moments, and then looked back up and I had lost the vision, probably because I was already going, You know you must be imagining this, right.
I understood that my "focus point" was carefully "inside the human" who was "inside the car" -- limited on purpose, not because it really was. I had the feeling that I limited my perception down to that tiny little entrapped space, as if I could not perceive (let alone KNOW) everything all around, only because otherwise, driving down the highway was not as much fun unless I did. Seriously. That has always been kind of an anomaly I thought I was grafting my own feeling onto, the "more fun" part, but now I'm thinking maybe there is really something to that.
*
Later, talking to my friend on the phone about this, it occurred to me:
Humans = "Angels in Suits"
*
"Mom, why did God make bugs?" Ry has asked more than once. Funny as I've asked the same question.
Meditation and recent review of it made me realize I actually had the answer to that. Bugs exist because of us; we create our reality and they are the "rejected and feared and denied" energy. They are poisonous because that's the effect the energy has on us when we refuse it, it causes a "bad reaction" like inflammation and rejection. They have many legs and move many directions because that perfectly describes the way a certain kind of energy IS, offshoots in many directions and very flexible in motion and 'sense of balance'. They actually come in many colors - white, yellow, tan, clear, red, orange, striped spotted, as well as the brown and black that we stereotype them with. They come in quite a few shapes and textures as well. They vary in how they move and how they web.
I once moved a kid's big backyard playground-thing while mowing, and about 60 black and white striped "jumping spiders" went nuts, jumping all over the place. I nearly had a freaking heart attack and that was AFTER I was a lot more comfy with them haha! But I had to admit, later, that they were actually really COOL! Boys/men who are often for some reason less afraid of spiders than girls, culturally, seem to appreciate that more, I've noticed.
I wondered briefly, if we didn't reject that particular energy, what might they be like, instead of deadly and gross?
And I remembered the two times I have perceived a spider deva, once spontaneously and once in a dream, and both time, they were just beautiful, amazing, astounding, holy, "glory" is the word that comes to mind. There was zero sense of grossness.
I used to have a genuine, pay-a-psychologist-level phobia of spiders. I could not even hear the word without having a full-on panic attack. Even when I knew it was coming like a friend teasing and just whispering it. When I was 18 and my father and I moved out from his 4th (psychotic) wife, I set out to take on everything I was afraid of and not be afraid of it anymore. I took up martial arts and firearms so I could kill the next person stupid enough to beat up on me or frankly torment me in any way. And I took up dealing with my fear about that bug.
I conditioned myself out 'most of' my fear, though it took a long time and serious work. I would see one and get as close as I could (like... as far away as physically possible, so it was so distant I could barely see it, hahaha) and then I would force myself to slowly get closer and closer to it, telling myself it was one of God's creatures, it was very small, it was probably more scared of me than I of it if it even perceived me at all, that it was really quite wondrous in build as a nature technology, and so on and so forth. I would try to get as close to it as I could, which initially was "at least 10 feet away back pressed to opposite wall" and eventually was up close enough that I could study it carefully and in detail, and notice its texture and unique shaping and pretty coloring sometimes and so on.
I still do not like seeing them by surprise and I definitely don't want them touching my body, but I will catch them in a plastic storage dish and scoot a paper plate under, and put them outside, when I find them in the house, so they are not killed.
I had a really interesting experience with a couple spiders (and a deva) back in the 90s here, for those interested.
So maybe instead of biting us, they wouldn't, or maybe it just literally would have no toxic effect on us at all -- after all, the degree of deadly in bugs is about how our bodies react to them -- if our bodies were different, they wouldn't be so deadly. Maybe instead of seeming gross and scary they would look nicer, and we would perceive them as nicer. We would "see their glory" -- their angel inside, like the deva! -- rather than what we perceive it like now.
Like how beautiful flowers are. Maybe they didn't start as flowers. Or way fewer of them. Maybe they are small energies that we really adore but haven't totally integrated--or that did not choose to be integrated and we haven't forced the issue--and so we perceive them as beautiful in color and form and smell, the jewels of the plant world. More positive relationship with trees, more flowers... more negative relationship with dandelions, more spiky weeds. :-)
*
The meditation (from past journals) where I pulled the energy together that was miles of yucky bugs, and when it reached a certain point everything flash-changed and was a forest with a myriad of creatures, with varying degrees of sentience, ranging from bugs (still) to trees and large animals, made me realize that animals are part of us too.
They are a lot more "independent in identity and autonomy" of course.
I once woke up in the morning, back when I lived in my RV-van-conversion with sailboard, guitars and Jimi posters :-) -- and happened to look at my black kitten, Polo. (I had two, Polo and Seti.) I was awake, but sleepy.
And when I looked at her, my god! -- what I actually saw, "inhabiting the same space as her" now that I think about it, like the light-beings in people in the store -- was this other cat, a few times her size, with HUGE eyes, that were totally sentient, in a way foreign to me. The eyes were actually larger and more slanted than most cat's eyes actually are, on this creature. Oh yeah, and the eyes and most of it was actually really *gold* even though polo was black.
(It suddenly occurs to me why Praying Mantis bugs are so freaky-but-cool: their eyes are actually a lot more like a deva than most critters' are. When they look at you, you actually feel as if they are intelligent and if you're open to it, you see the sentience and the foreignness of it at the same time. It's disturbing, and yet fascinating.)
The cat-soul of Polo looked at me, way-smart and way-foreign, and I imagine my eyes and mouth were open wide in astonishment. I closed my eyes tight, thinking I was imagining it, and opened them again, and it was just Polo, looking at me like most cats do... like they simply cannot care less unless you're going to feed or wait on them. :-)
Anyway -- so I was going to say, that animals represent energy that is part of us too, maybe "at large." By that I mean, maybe it's a sort of "collective species energy" that we pointedly make not-us, and that energy makes "cats" and their variants, just like other energy makes spiders and their variants.
I am not actually intending to convey that they are just 'a rejected part of us'. NO. They are a valid part of the universe of energy all on their own. They deserve respect as that, they are just like we are in that regard. It's just that we have not integrated them AND they have not integrated us.
I think maybe when an animal goes extinct it is either because we have truly integrated it, or more likely, because our interaction with it has literally changed the form it is going to take.
So for example, we have no more of a certain kind of buffalo, which were harmless to us for the most part, but now maybe we have, say... a certain sub-type of animal that is more hostile to us... or insect.... or Kudzu, taking over and destroying landscapes and human efforts the way white men took over and destroyed the buffalo's habitat.
Like energy's "social geometry", buffalo=A, and any combination of things that "equals A" could be created to 'balance that' in our reality. Maybe it takes a small animal, a bug, and kudzu, to kind of split up the energy into certain genres of 'meaning-form'.
Thinking out loud here. I think the energy say of cats, has a much more positive relationship to us, and is a lot more developed within us, maybe that is why it is in larger form than a bug, and why it has a positive perception for us. Most of us. Maybe the control freaks-of-nature that don't like cats (sorry, I'm a cat person!) actually have an issue with 'that energy' -- not really cats but the energy which cats are based on. Their fractal formula, you might say.
When we have something really well developed but not fully accepted, maybe it comes across as something we admire, something very sentient, but something potentially deadly to us -- like a cougar or polar bear.
I think our horrifying treatment of animals in our farming food supply -- I do not mean the eating them, I mean the conditions of breeding them for that we allow -- as well as the horrifying destruction of entire ecosystems that agriculture creates -- is a big sign of how we are treating a fairly major and otherwise positive energy in us. We're making it more negative, that relationship.
I imagine when wolves began to domesticate into man's best friend the dog, it reflected in part a change in human energetic relationship with the wolves. Not 100% or there would not be any wolves left. But partly. Our hunting the Auk to extinction, and it harmless to us, well that energy doesn't just disappear, energy never goes anywhere it just changes form. So where did all the energy of the Auk go? I don't know.
Maybe when we have fairly advanced energies we are so separate from we can barely perceive them, really foreign and alien to us, they live in the sea far from us, like the giant squid that after thousands of years we just recently even realized was real and not just some rare sailor superstition.
*
That makes me wonder. If everything in our reality is really a symbol... that means everything has meaning, even color, form, etc.. Yes, Seth told me this 10 years ago but I'm just starting to grok it in new ways now!
I used to take out my trash while visualizing that all the bad and dark and yucky energies of me were being taken into that bag and I would carry it out and throw it into the can and give myself a great sense of relief like it was a formal energy cleansing.
Maybe panthers are black for a reason. Maybe the King's energy, his color black, is part of them, and part of everything black in our experiential universe. Hmmmn. I guess the cabalists would probably say that is so.
*
I got this great light that is a cubic rectangle, a tall japanese shoji light, few years ago. I was really having awesome meditations then. In one, the "four rectangle panels of light" were sort of 'reflected' and that was a key thing of import. Not until recently when I saw the Gnostic doctrine that suggests "the Four" are "the Four Aeons of Light" did I suspect what that meant.
Later, I quit meditating for eons, barely ever at all, and have ignored the Senior for a long time though he has flatly commanded me to come to the Tower. Curiously, that light died. I haven't been able to figure out how to fix it all this time. It was fine, then every time I tried to plug it in, it sparked and threw the whole breaker.
It makes me think that Seth was right. Like me getting LASIK within two months of the massive change in my eye/I that the body-intelligence/deva showed me. Our physical reality including the "dynamics and issues and situations", are symbols for what is inside us. Maybe my light died, leaving only the empty dark forms of it, because it's a reflection.
I have a socket for the light, with a long cord and plug. I have -- or at least had -- the metal thing that stands upright (using a couple thumb-flybolts tightened) in this piece of wood in the middle. I have everything I need. But I cannot figure out how to get the light socket's power-cord/plug, "through" the metal thing that maintains it upright inside the four panels that fold up to the cubic rectangle. In order to get the connecting cord between light socket and plug 'through' that metal thing, it seems obvious that the cord would need to be cut and put through it, and then re-connected. Or that when it was built, it just started that way and the plug wasn't added until it was already through. I have both pieces, I just can't get it integrated so that the "supporting structure" can hold the light inside.
Shit. I just can't get integrated so that the supporting structure can hold the light inside. Should I pretend that was not so blindingly obvious a metaphysical and psychological parallel to my life? I have been refusing to take the King's energy, and refusing to "let myself make this a religion" or "delude myself into believing all this is more than entertaining imagination" so I've been unable to solidify it into a structure of practice and attention and allowance that would really let me... er, shine.
PJ
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