Rambling 29nov09

The kid says for the last few days I've been instant to anger, and less 'nice'. I don't feel like this, but I observe she's said this several times now... for the last few days. Maybe she's right. I do feel less tolerant. Not like stressed with less absorption ability, I don't mean it in that (normal) way. More like I just feel a little more ruthless about everything. As if a week ago there are things I would have simply wished were different but sighed and accepted, that now I simply find no room for tolerating them at all; they will not happen as they are unacceptable. This goes even for trivial stuff. Not sure if the meditations are having anything to do with that or not, but I mention it because I expect if the meditations I do are even partly effective, that changes in me might relate to them.

Yesterday I worked to hold Nero in my 'attention' as often as possible, to see if having an Aeon 'ride' the day with me in awareness might build up some kind of greater energy for the next time we were together in the Round. I grant I was not great at this. It's hard to remember to 'stay aware' all the time. It doesn't seem to have had any particular effect that I can discern so far, though. I missed the Round last night as I fell asleep but did it this morning and didn't notice any major difference with him. Or anyone.

So Friday I speed-read a bunch of webstuff mostly on tantra and sex magick which only led to my complete eye-rolling disgust with religion. Yesterday I speed-read a bunch of webstuff mostly on gnosticism which only led to my complete eye-rolling disgust with religion. Wait, there is a common theme here, if only I could figure out what...

You know what? Religion, of ANY kind, is a ridiculously complicated, convoluted, distractive pain in the ass. Because when it's all said and done and we have our 8,001 different sects with their variations on everything from the creation myth to how God feels about musical instruments, all we have is people at odds with each other, people arguing (if not actually AT WAR) over stupid shit that doesn't even matter.

And people NOT focused on the ONLY thing that really DOES matter: an individual's personal relationship with God, or their spirituality, or however they want to model it.

Sure, there are some things I find interesting, intellectually. But it's only intellectual. I feel it, in my gut, that it is dark and chaotic and distracting, that it is not part of "the light of communion." Religion was invented by humans, not God, is badly developed, badly kept, badly implemented, and badly used, by humans, not by God. I don't want anything to do with it.

I find God through my middle, through prayer and meditation and LIFE. That's the path, the Zen of it. All the study 'about' God is a separate thing.

At one time in my life I spent a lot of effort studying theology (by which I mean major sects of the Americas -- about 20 variants of protestant, charismatic, and a few temples. Not the detail of philosophy, which is I guess why I hadn't heard anything more about 'the ancient gnostics' than that term). At one point later, I spent a bunch of time reading on magick and QBL (cabala). In both cases I came to the same realization: that it distracted me, just as I perceived it doing to nearly everybody around me. It had very little if any relationship to one's personal relationship with God. It is an academic topic, as divorced from true Spirit as an analytical review of someone else's art style is separated from a feverish night spent in painter's inspiration.

I know I only read a little, but I don't really understand how the Gnostics also used the Aeons term I'm using, for an entity which I find fascinating as to me I was using the term so wrongly since I thought it meant time. But it seems to be used differently: they seem to be referring to some kind of primal or primary Aeons 'of God', and they're always male-female matched. Mine are like constellations, of a larger galaxy of Me, it is not about some official deity at all, they are not even demi-deities, just... associates. And so far they're not male-female matched unless all their other-halves are hiding.

I considered trying to change the term I use for them because I don't want what I do to be confused with that obscure ancient religion. But then I decided that (a) that's the term I got repeatedly so it's my right to use it if it seems right, and (b) it is obscure and ancient so probably almost nobody browsing the internet knows enough about it to confuse them anyway.

I actually felt BAD even skimming all that material. I felt like I shouldn't be, like it would just cause mental and energetic confusion.

As for all the origin stories, it is hopelessly confusing. In my opinion spirit is all that matters. I don't care what geneticist God(s) may have mucked about with our biological line. In my opinion there is no true god but "the light inside." Whatever guy in the old testament was sending plagues just to make a point, or hovering his UFO over the desert, really doesn't matter to me. The 'earth lords' -- the Archons with Animal heads -- it's interesting those are in Egypt as well as in the gnostic writings found, intellectually -- but what have they to do with spirit?

I see now that I was wrong in the first place. I was feeling that the Four and the 12 of the Consortium were so offbeat compared to anything else I hear of, that I got insecure. No matter that it is real to me, I wanted to find some kind of confirmation from elsewhere, someone else who had walked this road. So I went googling, and all I found is a bunch of complex religious crap that is way more confusion than enlightenment, way more human-says-something-godlike-says-about-god than anything I recognize as 'Of the Light'.

PJ