Shifting Senses in Identity

English lacks the shared-concept words to do most internal work justice.

Even for people with enough internal experience, or intellectual subtlety, to understand, it's still hard to wrap a brain around. Even for people who've had the same experience. I often think that language is the reason it's hard to understand, because it feels like when I can't get something into words that this somehow creates limits. That if our language were different it might support a different way of thinking. Maybe author Robert Heinlein had it right in Stranger In A Strange Land and you have to teach someone a new language that supports a new way of thinking.

It's even more difficult to describe subtle internal feelings. I have felt "merged" with other identities many times but there are specific differences in the experience.

In remote viewing:

If I 'overdo rapport', it feels like I am aware of a sort of 'energy body' INside my physical body, as if it is something less tangible--but still physical or nearly-so--as if it were made out of veils or something is the feeling. Some other astral/spiritual body is "squishing" me, trying to "squish into my physical body with me" and it's uncomfortable. I might add that intellectually I do not think this is how it works, that is how it feels, though.

When that happens, there follows a feeling like of 'adjustment' and more comfort, and then I am 'sharing'. But it is like sharing 'the brain not the mind'. The other identity is specifically separate from me, and different from me. I get mostly flashes of concept and opinion, and so far I have felt more 'emotional tone' from them than anything else. I actually have the feeling that what I am getting from them is nearly accidental as an overlap because we are using the body at the same time. Another way to say this might be that my body is 'merged'--but not my mind.

But the 'side-effect' is that I feel as if I have been "built-out", like someone else was specifically "added-on" to me, and that for that time, I am a sort of 'Me+'. By the next day this is about 95% gone, and usually by the end of that day it is fully gone. If there is anything 'left with me' of the other identity, it's not something I am 'aware' of.

With archetypes, so far there can be a few different experiences of merging. So far:

• A full merge feels as if a 'cohesive grouping of energy' 'came into' my body and I feel a warmth and a buzzing ('warm fuzzy shivers') all through me, as well as outside me on my skin. I call this a 'rush'.
• A partial merge is like the above except I only get it in some parts of my body. This is more commonly the shoulders-to-head region than others, though I am not sure if this is relevant to where/how it is happening, or if that part of my body is simply more sensitive. (For example, you hear about how people can sometimes feel someone staring at them [there is interesting science on this] and it's often 'back of the neck' with the 'sense' of it.) However 'where' it is really does vary, and it can be just one area like a leg or combined areas like feet and a place in my torso and shoulders.
• Sometimes we can merge but I don't feel anything. I do sense that the merge happened. I simply have no perception about it at all, beyond that.
• Sometimes we cannot merge at all, is my sense. Or I sense we merge but one or more parts of me and/or the archetype are "sticking out" and unable to merge.
• Sometimes we merge and I feel it happened, but I felt no rush at all, yet I feel an 'awareness', as if in every cell of my body, that the merge has happened. I felt this when merging with IG once.
• And one time, just once, I merged and it was as if the archetype's energy "became incredibly thin" and it just "slid into every cell of my body" and suddenly I was totally changed. That was following a truly incredible meditation and then a sexual merge so I am inclined to consider that a powerfully good thing, although it's only happened once. Perhaps if I had more meditations at that level I would have more merging of that type.

There are other kinds of merging that might be called 'evoking' or something.

For example if I begin an archetype meditation and I "leave it open" -- I don't finish it -- that energy (in turbulent form) is with me until I do. This can have all kinds of effects on my life, and especially on my mind (in terms of spontaneous thoughts). Since the meditations I don't finish are usually those I have a problem with, the results in my mind and life are not pretty. (This should encourage me to wrap it up a lot sooner!) This is technically a type of merge it's simply that it is turbulent and unsettled. It is "hosted but not integrated" might be one way to put it.

When I merge with 'The Four' (as 4th of 4), the result varies. Often if I am very conscious, there is not a very strong feeling, simply an awareness or acceptance of it occurring. But on the occasions when I meet them in sudden visions, or very altered-state meditations, or deep dreams, then it is different.

When we (the four) are one, I am simply aware of more than one perspective simultaneously. I am not always aware of what the other three are thinking, particularly the two above me and the 3rd. I suspect they can choose what to share, and the 3rd can too, to a lesser degree, but he and I's "twinning" relationship simply overlaps with me a bit.

When we are together, I sometimes get a question, and an answer, sometimes more than one answer, at the same time. The question is usually from me, the answers from one or more of them. Sometimes (I am usually very altered-state during those sorts of merges) my 'awareness' of 'which perspective was me' follows on 'after' that kind of exchange.

OK so recently with my regular attempts and mantra to 'integrate' with 'my Aeons', I seem to be getting a slightly different subtle-sense of this... merge, or integration.

During the experience I don't feel much if anything and when I do, it's no diff than an archetype.

But after the experience is another story. I can feel that I have changed.

This is difficult to explain, but normally, when 'one' sense of identity has two different feelings or perspectives, we call it "ambivalence". Ambivalence is one identity, two views. In the example of the merging with The Four, there is only one sense of identity upon merge, but multiple views. However, at least so far, the views always concur. By that I mean: as the single-identity that results, we don't (as the multiplicity inside) ever diverge in opinion. We only have 'multiple internal points of perspective'. So it never leads to what you might call ambivalence.

The last few days, moreso in an experience today, I feel an awareness than I am changed. It's hard to find words. It is best compared to the feelings with The Four. As if I am a single identity, but my ordinary 'sense of self' is not just one internal 'perspective' -- which I notice simply because now, there is another. I never had another 'internal sense-of-self' before. It doesn't feel like anything other or foreign. It is as much me as any other part of me. It doesn't feel separate. It is like how your eyes work together seamlessly and you never notice the difference in their perspectives until some odd position causes it to become apparent. And even then, even when their vision is different, it doesn't feel like they are somehow at odds, it's simply an observation that the perspective is different.

I can tell an identity change in me. But I am still truly only one identity. I do not feel separated, not even 'within myself'. I simply feel 'more than one perspective'. The word 'separate' implies something that is not present (although I never knew that until I tried putting this into words). The difference from the Four is that in this case, my perspective(s), actually have enough difference that you might call it 'ambivalence'. Though it still does not 'feel' separate, it simply 'is' functioning with differing-perspectives.

The 'internal-I's' (internal-eyes??) communicate with the sense-of-I that is the 'singular' because we're all one, and they-combined-are-the-one, yet at the moment, I have an awareness of this. I think I am only aware because I want to be and I want to understand. I suspect this is normally not conscious and might not always be for me.

It's like I am aware of this and watching/listening as it goes on, but I don't have any prejudice against which perspective actually "wins out" when they differ. They are all equally me and as far as the "dominant perspective", it feels like 'psychic politics' (as Jane would have put it) that is theirs to work out, it happens naturally and automatically on some level and I have no attachment to it. I as the singular-identity running the body act on the dominant decisions.

I've felt this going on but it's been subtle. The first time I felt it was recently in a meditation. The feeling reminded me of the Senior, and other elements of the archmed had the Four so perhaps it was, or perhaps my "integration" with aspects of me as Aeons, has suddenly made me more integrated with some energy that is also part of the Senior.

At the time I ran into it first, it was in becoming aware that an 'identity' who was in my 'sacred space' for an archmed was not 'fully aligned with my intent'. That perspective was dominant for that moment, so I basically zapped it out of identity/form and into energy and consumed it. I felt a sense like 'decisive ruthlessness'. The latter word is a negative and is not quite right.

Later in that same meditation, I became aware that the 'me' had resisted some chakra development and it was necessary. My dominant perspective cared as little about my resistance or reasons as the first issue and made the decision to invoke that abruptly and from this point on. Again I had the vague sense of decisive and ruthless. But again that word is not right. It is more simply making a very clear decision without any ambivalence. No guilt. No emotion. A sense that it is what should be done and that is all.

Off and on for a few days I've had a lot more of that in my life. My kid is interpreting it as anger but it is not. (She is always sensitive anyway to my tone etc.) It is simply flatness. A decision. Something is right, or not. The decision is made. There is no room for my normal wishy-washy-ness, my chronic artificial guilt that is duct-taped onto every decision I even consider.

A number of things, small trivial things, about which I would normally have the tiniest bit of emotion about and wish were different, my dominant perspective has simply made a change. They are no longer at issue. They were unacceptable so they don't exist in my life any more.

I've felt that sort of 'utter decisiveness' before, once when The Four decided my relationship with Dor was over. Not since then, I don't think, except when they have helped me with something I needed real power for like some meditation too tough for me to handle alone. I've never felt it as me though. Until now.


I was in the grocery store earlier. I wanted to get some food. OK, some junk food. Stuff I shouldn't be eating but have been for awhile now. I was looking forward to it. Everything I started to reach for, 'a' perspective 'in' me just 'took' the 'dominance' and said NO. So my decision was changed. This happened repeatedly.

In the distant background, the other perspective, the one I have been aware of as 'me' for 'longer', was having a thought about it, much like it did when I felt it first in the meditation. Kind of complaining. But what will I eat? I whined. I will do awhile without food, I responded. But I'm making nothing sound good, I griped. Because it is not good, I responded. This went on through an entire grocery store walk.

On the last lane, the other perspective demanded dominance. I will have something special and yummy! I snapped, and since that was dominant, I as my body grabbed a small bottle of chocolate milk off the shelf. Inappropriate, I thought in response. I want it anyway, I thought, defiant. WEIRDLY ENOUGH this was not at all like being possessed hahahaha. This was happening so fast, in the blink of an eye.

I had the realization, much as I did the first time I ever heard 'aspects of myself' in 1998 during a remote viewing session, that it is ALWAYS THIS WAY. That the only thing going on was that my attempt lately to integrate more and be more aware was MAKING me "more aware."

This went on and then I am walking home (the store is very near my house so I walk), and it occurs to me (both perspectives 'recognize' this jointly) that by the time I reach home, Perspective 1 will have resumed dominance, and I will not be able to drink the chocolate milk. Perspective 2 takes dominance with a decision and I as body agree and sit down on a bench, stopping suddenly in the walk home, and shake the bottle and drink a few gulps of very cold frothy chocolate milk. Yummm. And then perspective 1 resumed dominance and I as body agreed and put the lid on, disinterested in it any further, and I continued walking home and gave it to the kid when I got there.

C came today (my housekeeping helper who has two teens the same age as mine). She called from McDonald's asking if I wanted anything. Perspective 2 thought that was a great idea. Perspective 1 flatly refused. So I said no. She came in and handed me a bag of something anyway. Perspective 2 was delighted. Perspective 1 was dominant though and said flatly, "No thanks," and the three teens fell on the extra with delight. It was hours before P1 decided I should go make baked chicken.

I am not clear on whether P1 and P2 are specific Aeons. I'm not clear on whether the 'sense of I' that I have always had, is one or more of the Aeons. I'm not clear on whether I have changed as much as I think, or if I'm simply more aware of what's going on than usual.

I do however feel as if I have... allowed? merged, integrated with?... more of a certain perspective which now has a lot more power inside me for the 'competitive politics', so to speak. I also had the impression that if I continue this road, this is going to change -- flex and flux, that 'dominant-I' will differ at times, as I work with the energies-of-I (the Aeons) inside me.

On the bright side, P1 might result in the "I" being "healthier"!

This is all so complicated to put into words. It is not as drama-queen or complex as it sounds when written down. It is actually quite rapid and subtle. It's just that I am working very hard to really pay attention, to be aware, and to record what I observe.

PJ