Shifting Senses in Identity

English lacks the shared-concept words to do most internal work justice.

Even for people with enough internal experience, or intellectual subtlety, to understand, it's still hard to wrap a brain around. Even for people who've had the same experience. I often think that language is the reason it's hard to understand, because it feels like when I can't get something into words that this somehow creates limits. That if our language were different it might support a different way of thinking. Maybe author Robert Heinlein had it right in Stranger In A Strange Land and you have to teach someone a new language that supports a new way of thinking.

It's even more difficult to describe subtle internal feelings. I have felt "merged" with other identities many times but there are specific differences in the experience.

In remote viewing:

If I 'overdo rapport', it feels like I am aware of a sort of 'energy body' INside my physical body, as if it is something less tangible--but still physical or nearly-so--as if it were made out of veils or something is the feeling. Some other astral/spiritual body is "squishing" me, trying to "squish into my physical body with me" and it's uncomfortable. I might add that intellectually I do not think this is how it works, that is how it feels, though.

When that happens, there follows a feeling like of 'adjustment' and more comfort, and then I am 'sharing'. But it is like sharing 'the brain not the mind'. The other identity is specifically separate from me, and different from me. I get mostly flashes of concept and opinion, and so far I have felt more 'emotional tone' from them than anything else. I actually have the feeling that what I am getting from them is nearly accidental as an overlap because we are using the body at the same time. Another way to say this might be that my body is 'merged'--but not my mind.

But the 'side-effect' is that I feel as if I have been "built-out", like someone else was specifically "added-on" to me, and that for that time, I am a sort of 'Me+'. By the next day this is about 95% gone, and usually by the end of that day it is fully gone. If there is anything 'left with me' of the other identity, it's not something I am 'aware' of.

With archetypes, so far there can be a few different experiences of merging. So far:

• A full merge feels as if a 'cohesive grouping of energy' 'came into' my body and I feel a warmth and a buzzing ('warm fuzzy shivers') all through me, as well as outside me on my skin. I call this a 'rush'.
• A partial merge is like the above except I only get it in some parts of my body. This is more commonly the shoulders-to-head region than others, though I am not sure if this is relevant to where/how it is happening, or if that part of my body is simply more sensitive. (For example, you hear about how people can sometimes feel someone staring at them [there is interesting science on this] and it's often 'back of the neck' with the 'sense' of it.) However 'where' it is really does vary, and it can be just one area like a leg or combined areas like feet and a place in my torso and shoulders.
• Sometimes we can merge but I don't feel anything. I do sense that the merge happened. I simply have no perception about it at all, beyond that.
• Sometimes we cannot merge at all, is my sense. Or I sense we merge but one or more parts of me and/or the archetype are "sticking out" and unable to merge.
• Sometimes we merge and I feel it happened, but I felt no rush at all, yet I feel an 'awareness', as if in every cell of my body, that the merge has happened. I felt this when merging with IG once.
• And one time, just once, I merged and it was as if the archetype's energy "became incredibly thin" and it just "slid into every cell of my body" and suddenly I was totally changed. That was following a truly incredible meditation and then a sexual merge so I am inclined to consider that a powerfully good thing, although it's only happened once. Perhaps if I had more meditations at that level I would have more merging of that type.

There are other kinds of merging that might be called 'evoking' or something.

For example if I begin an archetype meditation and I "leave it open" -- I don't finish it -- that energy (in turbulent form) is with me until I do. This can have all kinds of effects on my life, and especially on my mind (in terms of spontaneous thoughts). Since the meditations I don't finish are usually those I have a problem with, the results in my mind and life are not pretty. (This should encourage me to wrap it up a lot sooner!) This is technically a type of merge it's simply that it is turbulent and unsettled. It is "hosted but not integrated" might be one way to put it.

When I merge with 'The Four' (as 4th of 4), the result varies. Often if I am very conscious, there is not a very strong feeling, simply an awareness or acceptance of it occurring. But on the occasions when I meet them in sudden visions, or very altered-state meditations, or deep dreams, then it is different.

When we (the four) are one, I am simply aware of more than one perspective simultaneously. I am not always aware of what the other three are thinking, particularly the two above me and the 3rd. I suspect they can choose what to share, and the 3rd can too, to a lesser degree, but he and I's "twinning" relationship simply overlaps with me a bit.

When we are together, I sometimes get a question, and an answer, sometimes more than one answer, at the same time. The question is usually from me, the answers from one or more of them. Sometimes (I am usually very altered-state during those sorts of merges) my 'awareness' of 'which perspective was me' follows on 'after' that kind of exchange.

OK so recently with my regular attempts and mantra to 'integrate' with 'my Aeons', I seem to be getting a slightly different subtle-sense of this... merge, or integration.

During the experience I don't feel much if anything and when I do, it's no diff than an archetype.

But after the experience is another story. I can feel that I have changed.

This is difficult to explain, but normally, when 'one' sense of identity has two different feelings or perspectives, we call it "ambivalence". Ambivalence is one identity, two views. In the example of the merging with The Four, there is only one sense of identity upon merge, but multiple views. However, at least so far, the views always concur. By that I mean: as the single-identity that results, we don't (as the multiplicity inside) ever diverge in opinion. We only have 'multiple internal points of perspective'. So it never leads to what you might call ambivalence.

The last few days, moreso in an experience today, I feel an awareness than I am changed. It's hard to find words. It is best compared to the feelings with The Four. As if I am a single identity, but my ordinary 'sense of self' is not just one internal 'perspective' -- which I notice simply because now, there is another. I never had another 'internal sense-of-self' before. It doesn't feel like anything other or foreign. It is as much me as any other part of me. It doesn't feel separate. It is like how your eyes work together seamlessly and you never notice the difference in their perspectives until some odd position causes it to become apparent. And even then, even when their vision is different, it doesn't feel like they are somehow at odds, it's simply an observation that the perspective is different.

I can tell an identity change in me. But I am still truly only one identity. I do not feel separated, not even 'within myself'. I simply feel 'more than one perspective'. The word 'separate' implies something that is not present (although I never knew that until I tried putting this into words). The difference from the Four is that in this case, my perspective(s), actually have enough difference that you might call it 'ambivalence'. Though it still does not 'feel' separate, it simply 'is' functioning with differing-perspectives.

The 'internal-I's' (internal-eyes??) communicate with the sense-of-I that is the 'singular' because we're all one, and they-combined-are-the-one, yet at the moment, I have an awareness of this. I think I am only aware because I want to be and I want to understand. I suspect this is normally not conscious and might not always be for me.

It's like I am aware of this and watching/listening as it goes on, but I don't have any prejudice against which perspective actually "wins out" when they differ. They are all equally me and as far as the "dominant perspective", it feels like 'psychic politics' (as Jane would have put it) that is theirs to work out, it happens naturally and automatically on some level and I have no attachment to it. I as the singular-identity running the body act on the dominant decisions.

I've felt this going on but it's been subtle. The first time I felt it was recently in a meditation. The feeling reminded me of the Senior, and other elements of the archmed had the Four so perhaps it was, or perhaps my "integration" with aspects of me as Aeons, has suddenly made me more integrated with some energy that is also part of the Senior.

At the time I ran into it first, it was in becoming aware that an 'identity' who was in my 'sacred space' for an archmed was not 'fully aligned with my intent'. That perspective was dominant for that moment, so I basically zapped it out of identity/form and into energy and consumed it. I felt a sense like 'decisive ruthlessness'. The latter word is a negative and is not quite right.

Later in that same meditation, I became aware that the 'me' had resisted some chakra development and it was necessary. My dominant perspective cared as little about my resistance or reasons as the first issue and made the decision to invoke that abruptly and from this point on. Again I had the vague sense of decisive and ruthless. But again that word is not right. It is more simply making a very clear decision without any ambivalence. No guilt. No emotion. A sense that it is what should be done and that is all.

Off and on for a few days I've had a lot more of that in my life. My kid is interpreting it as anger but it is not. (She is always sensitive anyway to my tone etc.) It is simply flatness. A decision. Something is right, or not. The decision is made. There is no room for my normal wishy-washy-ness, my chronic artificial guilt that is duct-taped onto every decision I even consider.

A number of things, small trivial things, about which I would normally have the tiniest bit of emotion about and wish were different, my dominant perspective has simply made a change. They are no longer at issue. They were unacceptable so they don't exist in my life any more.

I've felt that sort of 'utter decisiveness' before, once when The Four decided my relationship with Dor was over. Not since then, I don't think, except when they have helped me with something I needed real power for like some meditation too tough for me to handle alone. I've never felt it as me though. Until now.


I was in the grocery store earlier. I wanted to get some food. OK, some junk food. Stuff I shouldn't be eating but have been for awhile now. I was looking forward to it. Everything I started to reach for, 'a' perspective 'in' me just 'took' the 'dominance' and said NO. So my decision was changed. This happened repeatedly.

In the distant background, the other perspective, the one I have been aware of as 'me' for 'longer', was having a thought about it, much like it did when I felt it first in the meditation. Kind of complaining. But what will I eat? I whined. I will do awhile without food, I responded. But I'm making nothing sound good, I griped. Because it is not good, I responded. This went on through an entire grocery store walk.

On the last lane, the other perspective demanded dominance. I will have something special and yummy! I snapped, and since that was dominant, I as my body grabbed a small bottle of chocolate milk off the shelf. Inappropriate, I thought in response. I want it anyway, I thought, defiant. WEIRDLY ENOUGH this was not at all like being possessed hahahaha. This was happening so fast, in the blink of an eye.

I had the realization, much as I did the first time I ever heard 'aspects of myself' in 1998 during a remote viewing session, that it is ALWAYS THIS WAY. That the only thing going on was that my attempt lately to integrate more and be more aware was MAKING me "more aware."

This went on and then I am walking home (the store is very near my house so I walk), and it occurs to me (both perspectives 'recognize' this jointly) that by the time I reach home, Perspective 1 will have resumed dominance, and I will not be able to drink the chocolate milk. Perspective 2 takes dominance with a decision and I as body agree and sit down on a bench, stopping suddenly in the walk home, and shake the bottle and drink a few gulps of very cold frothy chocolate milk. Yummm. And then perspective 1 resumed dominance and I as body agreed and put the lid on, disinterested in it any further, and I continued walking home and gave it to the kid when I got there.

C came today (my housekeeping helper who has two teens the same age as mine). She called from McDonald's asking if I wanted anything. Perspective 2 thought that was a great idea. Perspective 1 flatly refused. So I said no. She came in and handed me a bag of something anyway. Perspective 2 was delighted. Perspective 1 was dominant though and said flatly, "No thanks," and the three teens fell on the extra with delight. It was hours before P1 decided I should go make baked chicken.

I am not clear on whether P1 and P2 are specific Aeons. I'm not clear on whether the 'sense of I' that I have always had, is one or more of the Aeons. I'm not clear on whether I have changed as much as I think, or if I'm simply more aware of what's going on than usual.

I do however feel as if I have... allowed? merged, integrated with?... more of a certain perspective which now has a lot more power inside me for the 'competitive politics', so to speak. I also had the impression that if I continue this road, this is going to change -- flex and flux, that 'dominant-I' will differ at times, as I work with the energies-of-I (the Aeons) inside me.

On the bright side, P1 might result in the "I" being "healthier"!

This is all so complicated to put into words. It is not as drama-queen or complex as it sounds when written down. It is actually quite rapid and subtle. It's just that I am working very hard to really pay attention, to be aware, and to record what I observe.

PJ

Rambling 29nov09

The kid says for the last few days I've been instant to anger, and less 'nice'. I don't feel like this, but I observe she's said this several times now... for the last few days. Maybe she's right. I do feel less tolerant. Not like stressed with less absorption ability, I don't mean it in that (normal) way. More like I just feel a little more ruthless about everything. As if a week ago there are things I would have simply wished were different but sighed and accepted, that now I simply find no room for tolerating them at all; they will not happen as they are unacceptable. This goes even for trivial stuff. Not sure if the meditations are having anything to do with that or not, but I mention it because I expect if the meditations I do are even partly effective, that changes in me might relate to them.

Yesterday I worked to hold Nero in my 'attention' as often as possible, to see if having an Aeon 'ride' the day with me in awareness might build up some kind of greater energy for the next time we were together in the Round. I grant I was not great at this. It's hard to remember to 'stay aware' all the time. It doesn't seem to have had any particular effect that I can discern so far, though. I missed the Round last night as I fell asleep but did it this morning and didn't notice any major difference with him. Or anyone.

So Friday I speed-read a bunch of webstuff mostly on tantra and sex magick which only led to my complete eye-rolling disgust with religion. Yesterday I speed-read a bunch of webstuff mostly on gnosticism which only led to my complete eye-rolling disgust with religion. Wait, there is a common theme here, if only I could figure out what...

You know what? Religion, of ANY kind, is a ridiculously complicated, convoluted, distractive pain in the ass. Because when it's all said and done and we have our 8,001 different sects with their variations on everything from the creation myth to how God feels about musical instruments, all we have is people at odds with each other, people arguing (if not actually AT WAR) over stupid shit that doesn't even matter.

And people NOT focused on the ONLY thing that really DOES matter: an individual's personal relationship with God, or their spirituality, or however they want to model it.

Sure, there are some things I find interesting, intellectually. But it's only intellectual. I feel it, in my gut, that it is dark and chaotic and distracting, that it is not part of "the light of communion." Religion was invented by humans, not God, is badly developed, badly kept, badly implemented, and badly used, by humans, not by God. I don't want anything to do with it.

I find God through my middle, through prayer and meditation and LIFE. That's the path, the Zen of it. All the study 'about' God is a separate thing.

At one time in my life I spent a lot of effort studying theology (by which I mean major sects of the Americas -- about 20 variants of protestant, charismatic, and a few temples. Not the detail of philosophy, which is I guess why I hadn't heard anything more about 'the ancient gnostics' than that term). At one point later, I spent a bunch of time reading on magick and QBL (cabala). In both cases I came to the same realization: that it distracted me, just as I perceived it doing to nearly everybody around me. It had very little if any relationship to one's personal relationship with God. It is an academic topic, as divorced from true Spirit as an analytical review of someone else's art style is separated from a feverish night spent in painter's inspiration.

I know I only read a little, but I don't really understand how the Gnostics also used the Aeons term I'm using, for an entity which I find fascinating as to me I was using the term so wrongly since I thought it meant time. But it seems to be used differently: they seem to be referring to some kind of primal or primary Aeons 'of God', and they're always male-female matched. Mine are like constellations, of a larger galaxy of Me, it is not about some official deity at all, they are not even demi-deities, just... associates. And so far they're not male-female matched unless all their other-halves are hiding.

I considered trying to change the term I use for them because I don't want what I do to be confused with that obscure ancient religion. But then I decided that (a) that's the term I got repeatedly so it's my right to use it if it seems right, and (b) it is obscure and ancient so probably almost nobody browsing the internet knows enough about it to confuse them anyway.

I actually felt BAD even skimming all that material. I felt like I shouldn't be, like it would just cause mental and energetic confusion.

As for all the origin stories, it is hopelessly confusing. In my opinion spirit is all that matters. I don't care what geneticist God(s) may have mucked about with our biological line. In my opinion there is no true god but "the light inside." Whatever guy in the old testament was sending plagues just to make a point, or hovering his UFO over the desert, really doesn't matter to me. The 'earth lords' -- the Archons with Animal heads -- it's interesting those are in Egypt as well as in the gnostic writings found, intellectually -- but what have they to do with spirit?

I see now that I was wrong in the first place. I was feeling that the Four and the 12 of the Consortium were so offbeat compared to anything else I hear of, that I got insecure. No matter that it is real to me, I wanted to find some kind of confirmation from elsewhere, someone else who had walked this road. So I went googling, and all I found is a bunch of complex religious crap that is way more confusion than enlightenment, way more human-says-something-godlike-says-about-god than anything I recognize as 'Of the Light'.

PJ

Aeons, "Sethians", History

Well this will teach me to inquire. Maybe I don't want to know!

I was out Googling when I saw something called "Sethian" Gnosticism. I ignored it the first few times I saw it. When I refer to 'Seth' it's a modern channeled entity, not some Egyptian God or biblical figure, I know that name is those things too, so I wasn't interested. Later, something else I don't recall, caused me to visit the relevant page on wiki, where it says -- I am not kidding:

This original God went through a series of emanations, during which its essence is seen as spontaneously expanding into many successive 'generations' of paired male and female beings, called 'aeons'.

Well I guess we know where my brain came up with the Aeons term as used for some kind of 'entity'. Even though I have zero conscious recollection of seeing that -- I didn't even understand how the term, which I perceive as a measure of time or space, could be used that way. But since it already exists, I have to assume I saw it and simply don't remember.

As a point of humor, a friend of mine once made an archetype blog called "archon" -- I think some comic book had a character with that name. But on that same page, about this apparently offbeat philosophical line, it says:

Using this stolen power, Yaldabaoth creates a material world in imitation of the divine Pleroma. To complete this task, he spawns a group of entities known collectively as Archons, 'petty rulers' and craftsmen of the physical world. Like him, they are commonly depicted as theriomorphic, having the heads of animals.

I guess I should be grateful that I am not working with animal headed identities instead, right, which would sound even more ridiculous.

I had heard of some documents found in the desert once, the 'Nag Hammadi' texts that were some alternate writings related to Jesus's era. I even had a book, not sure if I read it or what its scope even was, about this once, that I think I gave to a friend not all that long ago. I honestly don't remember (not that this means anything) this "religious sub-cult" though, assuming it was even mentioned in it:

The Sethians were a gnostic group who originally worshipped the biblical Seth as a messianic figure, later treating Jesus as a re-incarnation of Seth. They produced numerous texts expounding their esoteric cosmology, usually in the form of visions:

• Apocryphon of John (also called the "Secret Gospel of John")
• Coptic Gospel of the Egyptians (distinct from the Greek Gospel of the Egyptians)
• Coptic Apocalypse of Paul (distinct from the Apocalypse of Paul)
• Trimorphic Protennoia

There are various notes about the "Sethian" philosophy (it is so weird to realize this is a whole terminology about ancient biblical stuff, since I use the term related to modern author Jane Roberts's work!). I don't really understand it all.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. I mean, if my subconscious assumedly knew that Aeons term and felt the Consortium qualified then what the hey, why not, it's not hurting anybody.

On the other hand, I just finished talking about how I don't have any specific theology and dislike labels. If it turns out there is a whole specific obscure religion using the same terms and maybe a couple similar concepts (by accident or design as far as my picking that up goes) I don't want to SEEM like that is my religion when at least consciously and as I recall (which means nothing, I forget all kinds of stuff!), I don't even know anything about it. And maybe if I did I wouldn't even like it, beyond that we happen to use one word the same way, beyond that it is part of the larger field of 'Gnosticism' of which (due mostly to my OTO association) I have considered myself a part.

Well, I feel "resistance" to the idea of studying the "Sethian Gnosticism" stuff. Not sure why. Maybe I am just mad that since they are already using that fairly unique term, making me feel like I subconsciously copied it, that something else which I consider genuinely unique to my "spontaneous experience" will turn out to be old hat from a couple thousand years ago. That does sort of take the spontaneous fun out of it, I admit. Not sure I want to know!

PJ

Gnostics and Armchairs

I meant to post this yesterday but hadn't finished with it. (I mention this because it was this post that actually led into the sex magick post that appeared here earlier. I was reading on gnostic stuff that led to magick stuff that led to that topic and I got opinionated.)

I don't much like labels when it comes to experiential things, like spirituality. I think as long as you're sitting in the armchair of intellectualism, as long as you're talking about theology or philosophy or whatever, then fine, we can wax poetic all day, and glue-stick labels onto things right and left. But the moment one gets into the genuine experience of the thing, it's another story. At that point, those labels aren't doorways, they are no longer marking the opening to the infinite one road at a time, but rather, stuffing into uniformity and expectation all truly creative and spontaneous experience.

From wiki:

Jung saw the Gnostics not as syncretic schools of mixed theological doctrines, but as genuine visionaries, and saw their imagery not as myths but as records of inner experience. He wrote that "The explanation of Gnostic ideas 'in terms of themselves,' i.e., in terms of their historical foundations, is futile, for in that way they are reduced only to their less developed forestages but not understood in their actual significance."

I would agree with that. Labeling and categorizing experiential-spirituality is like taking art, real art, the "it moved my soul through the night so I created this" art, and reducing it to an intellectual essay on the form and style, in such a convoluted, footnoted way that the artist themselves would be lucky to even recognize it from that perspective.

Yet if I don't use labels, it is difficult to communicate. Most people do not want an 'introduction' that requires reading a book's worth of material from someone's inner life. They expect a sound-bite.

OK, so:

• I am a Gnostic.
• I am a Thelemite.
• I have an experiential leaning toward Christian Mysticism, not related to the doctrines of Christianity, but related to the deities of such.

That is another way of saying I respect and have had experiences with 'identities', from Angels to Jesus, from Egyptian stuff to the Abramelin entities, from an 'inner soul-being' some might call HGA or Atman, to the conglomerate of Aspect Psychology that Roberts called Psychic Politics. From Kabbalah to Christianity, from Shamanism to Occult magick of a variety of traditions, I've had experiences, insights, and symbols, that seem to cover a little bit of it all. Frankly that has made it confusing that it seemed like "everything and nothing" was true -- no single model has seemed to contain my experiences, but most models contain room for some of them.

I have no serious interest in the various religious doctrines or histories which surround all those identities or models. If I have a vision or dream and I meet entity-X in environment-Y, and interact, then to me, that's XY. If someone later points me to stuff others have written about XY, I do find that mildly interesting sometimes, but only sometimes and only as food-for-thought or trivia, except in rare cases where -- like the Four and the Consortium -- I go out and search in an attempt to get an idea of whether someone's written this stuff down before and what "context" it was found in, if so.

I don't really feel that my experience with XY needs to be measured by, compared to, or evaluated against, anybody else's experience, or anybody's intellectual opinion or doctrine as written down throughout time. I will judge XY and our interaction based on my own experience and prayer. It is not particularly relevant to me whether this or that doctrine has assigned some entity or some activity to being holy, or to being black magick, or to being a 7th branch, French offshoot, of lineage-Z of some philosophy first recorded (that we know of) 140 years ago by someone I never heard of.

I'm not saying that education and study don't have value, because they do. It is that those are easy for me, and I have come to believe, due to my own weak tendency to 'think about living' more than 'living', that what matters if anything is that one most go 'through, not around' spiritual experience if it is to be anything more than armchair philosophy. I used to be so much more ... linear, than I am now. I've worked hard to shift.

I believe that sincere and regular prayer to God, whatever God might really be, that "genuinely good intentions", held with interest, a sense of humor, and a model of sharing and healing and joy, and the most minimum bias for or against or concerning 'the assumed value of a certain thing', that these will take a person through the experiences that provide "education from the inside" about oneself and spirit.

Moving on --

Trivia: I was skimming a tiny part of Tertium Organum (P.D. Ouspensky, 1922), a chart TABLE OF THE FOUR FORMS OF THE MANIFESTATION OF CONSCIOUSNESS. This wasn't any analogy to 'the Four' but rather, a sort of "four-stages-of-development". It was peripherally interesting, no big deal, and I speed-read. But there was this one line in it which for some reason felt like it reached out and slapped me upside the head and made me STOP and think. Under 'forms of consciousness', the third of four stages, one of the descriptions said:

The moment when further evolution can be conscious only.

(The fourth stage was then: The commencement of self-consciousness. Ecstatic states. Transitions to cosmic consciousness.) I felt like some part of me pulled out that line and emphasized it inside me, as if it arrived with the sound of a gong and the light of spirit and a logical typed-out business-report answer to some question.

I think this is "why." This is why the weird stuff. The Four, the Consortium of 12, even some of the confusion of my 'Bewilderness' period all those years ago. Because there comes a point in every energy-conglomerate's development when further evolution must be conscious. Where you are no longer able to unconsciously just drift along in oblivious darkness, when it no longer happens at a slow but automatic pace, where basically the escalator has come to an end and if you want to continue you've got to take the stairs.

And since it's new to 'conscious realization', it's just as confusing as the world is to a baby, in some respects. Learning how to even perceive, then how to remember, then how to correctly categorize, then how to understand, then how to consciously modify or interact with, each energy, thing, identity, dynamic, whatever, is a whole development of its own. 'Mysticism' is born and we spend a big chunk of our life then trying to accomplish one or more of these things in one or more areas.

Ironically the point is to get to where it's all a no-brainer background-info, because the larger focus is always communion-with-God, at least that is my perspective. All the rest is like... getting to know the culture and home of your soulmate.

So I was googling, as my friend L had done, trying to find any reference to the four, the twelve, a group soul, etc. I thought this following excerpt was a great left-brain description of The Four as I perceive them/us/etc. -- although I suspect it was not intended to be used for that. It even perfectly matches the bizarre but deep concept of "the tree of life in 3-D" that the Four once showed me we are, and that we "compose the universe", each of us a certain kind of energy that contributes to the makeup of things, although it was more person-based in my perception than... elemental, as it sounds here, but I can imagine that might have been a limit of my perception at the time. Check this out:

...Hasidic philosophy explains that the Merkaba is a multi-layered analogy...

...The four Chayot angels represent the basic archetypes that God used to create the current nature of the world. Ofannim, which means "ways", are the ways these archetypes combine to create actual entities that exist in the world. For instance, in the basic elements of the world, the lion represents fire, the ox/earth, the man/water, and the eagle/air. However, in practice, everything in the world is some combination of all four, and the particular combination of each element that exist in each thing are its particular Ofannim or ways. In another example, the four Chayot represent spring, summer, winter and fall. These four types of weather are the archetypal forms. The Ofannim would be the combination of weather that exists on a particular day, which may be a winter-like day within the summer or a summer like day within the winter.

For some reason this reminds me of the day that I had an 'insight' that Feng Shui is 'localized astrology' -- that wood in a fire region was like virgo in scorpio, an energy 'transit', or whatever.

...A person should strive to be like a Merkaba, that is to say, he should realize all the different qualities, talents and inclinations he has (his angels). They may seem to contradict, but when one directs his life to a higher goal such as doing God's will (the man on the chair driving the chariot) he will see how they all can work together and even complement each other. Ultimately, we should strive to realize how all of the forces in the world, though they may seem to conflict can unite when one knows how to use them all to fulfill a higher purpose, namely to serve God.

Cool. I am not-quite going to qualify as Hasidic though! If that does have some relationship to my experience, then the idea of some ignorant goya like me stumbling over the experientially-real spirituality of their occult philosophies would probably horrify all those serious hasidic scholars. (I remember being Jewish in another life. Does that count?? OK, probably not!)

In googling on 'the Four' I find (of course) many refs to the four elements. I wonder if I should work to find a way to incorporate this into something? Meditation?

Is there a way to apply Feng Shui to the soul? hahahaha!

This is a seemingly channeled page (feels that way to me) on 'soul clusters'. (Later: yes, it's channeled.) Though if I'm going to look at any channeling I would first prefer Seth via Jane Roberts, and I'm not fond of the topic in general and tend to dislike and distrust it (and yes I'm aware my conversations with Aeons sound very similar to exactly that. Sorry, that's just how it keeps working out).

"...A soul group is a circle with an eye, a soul, in the middle and four souls representing each direction. The direction is not necessarily that of nature as on earth, but as in the universe. In our reality as humans on earth it is the four directions with each responsible of the energy and power of the four directions. Each soul that occupies the position of a direction is also an eye or center of their own soul group as well. These soul groups are constantly moving and rotating around each other and through each other..."

Interesting they chose four, yeah? I mean, why that number, why not some other? I guess it doesn't prove anything (like why I get the Four or the Consortium), and I found some of the articles on the same site/source questionable, but I found it an interesting coincidence.

I wrote about the four and our 'pattern of four' and the 'larger patterns' back during my Bewilderness days, calling it "The Linoleum Theory" initially, then expanding it to "The Rainbow of Soul". My original TLT writings said something like:

When I look down at the square tiles in public buildings, I often see that every tile has a 'pattern'. It's all based on each tile being a singular pattern, one of four primary natures. Then, four tiles together are a pattern. And each of those four tiles is a part of yet-larger patterns that have it in different placements within those patterns. And the whole room is a larger, more complex pattern.

To me, 'The Linoleum Theory' described The Four pretty well. The Rainbow of Soul is better, though. I'm glad I came up with a less retarded name and model eventually.

PJ

Sex Magick and Meditation

My astrologer friends tell me that having both Venus and Mars in Scorpio has something to do with this, but all I know is, I tend to hold the polarities when it comes to things like love and sex.

I've had less sex in my 44 years than most the 17 year olds I know have had already. Never mind the long boring details of why, but as a summary, it mostly involves starting a bit late in life and two ten-year periods of semi-celibacy (one on a vow, one just because I was single and am very conservative so don't sleep around. "Semi" means I had no sex with others but had no restriction on masturbation.), and a current friend-slash-boyfriend that I only get to see like once a year which is only slightly different than celibacy frankly.

Part of this in all honesty is because I came of age in the AIDS generation. Just as I was truly opening up to the sex idea, the media was filled with the 11-zillion ways you can get something disgusting or fatal from having sex. My terror of this actually happening has prevented a ton of sex I could otherwise have had in my life but really did not want to risk myself with.

Despite having had so little of it with other people, sex is a pretty powerful subject with me. I discovered a long time ago, by spontaneous "anomalous experience," that some of what I call sex, entities call merging, and that sexual energy has a very powerful effect on basically anything that you might hold in your mind during masturbation, and if you "give your energy" on climax to a given focus, that seems to have a powerful effect.

I have no formal education on sex magick or tantra. Now and then I've lightly-skimmed something on it; doesn't mean much to me. I'm technically part of a tantric magickal order (OTO), about which I know almost nothing and likely never will. It was part of my experience-set in 1994 based on profound dreams with Alastor and Israel which were "shared parts of a larger soul" with me in some fashion, I 'took Minerval and 1st degree' then, and it has had little to do with my conscious life or interests except temporarily, and once in a rare while in cycles, since. I don't expect to ever delve farther into that (and the tantric part doesn't even start in that until 4th degree, I've heard) so whatever I might learn from experience is all I've got.

Sex magick, as in masturbation with 'intent' and 'channeling of that energy' involved, is an occasional part of what I consider my spiritual and meditational work. So, I'm going to talk about it here.

Tantric Terminology and Directing Energy

Like many topics, when I read about sex magick or tantra on occasion, I see that people get lost in semantics. Terminology is too limited for our experience-set.

When I am really tuned in ideally to something as a magickal focus during sex, the so-called climax isn't-quite the normal thing. This can vary a little in detail and degree, but basically it feels like sexual energy is many things, on many levels, winding through both the physical and energy bodies.

Our normal definition of 'sex' is very simplistic and crude and limited. It's like defining 'love' as 'sex'. Sex can be involved, doesn't have to be involved, can range from abuse to worship, plus love itself is a zillion things beyond, besides, or apart from, sex. So that definition would be retarded, except for people who honestly don't know the difference because so far, they either always come together for them, or love in a fuller sense has simply not happened to them, either by chance or by inability of their psychology to allow that.

Well, defining sex as pleasure followed by physical climax does make a little more sense than that, but mostly only to people who have never tried using the process for any other purpose. Once you have for awhile, and have realized the variety and depth of experience involved, then the words 'sex' and 'climax' become generalities that have a lot of different categories inside them.

The term climax in particular gets lost in the words. It is the "peak of the cycle" but that does not always mean the typical physical result most of us learned to call sex. That is what normally happens at the peak of the cycle if you are not bothering to do anything with that cycle except feel good and then vent the energy.

The 'ejaculative fluids' of either gender are just one part of a sexual act. I think the physical climax could be thought of as a sort of "physical overflow valve". Maybe we need that; maybe if we didn't have that and we were not focusing the energy on something specific, it would end up 'intensifying' everything physical and it wouldn't be good. Sexual energy might be like nuclear energy, you can channel it into something as 'energy' and that's good, but a simple explosion of it is quite bad. If there's a way to "divert" any explosion into some "safe outlet", that seems useful. I think that is essentially sexual climax as our culture thinks of it. Not a bad thing. The common default thing. Needed-for-children thing. Just not the ONLY thing.

When you really focus and gain rapport properly, at the point you would normally hit climax, the energy goes -- er, elsewhere. I mean literally. It is quite weird sometimes. It's like all of the energy sometimes just disappears as it pours into whatever your focus was, and you're left suddenly having gone from edge-of-climax to nothing -- as if you were just standing there considering the weather and it is no part of you at all -- because now-its-with-that-other-thing. On the bright side, you know what you were doing worked when this happens, that energy is very powerful and it goes SOMEWHERE. On the down side, it is not so much fun at that point as it would be if you were venting it physically. OK, not fun at all, actually!

Sometimes you can keep 'part' of the energy with you and part with whatever if a "merge" is the real goal. It will reduce the power of the climax as "some" of the energy pours into the Other.

You can keep it all "in-body" with an ordinary peak of physical-venting, but imagine "sharing" that energy, like you can do with archetypes, and that is a lot of fun and I think effective too (I feel that I've seen this have positive emphasis effects in archetype work), but I think that while that is a lot more enjoyable because you get to physically "keep" the physical part of your climax, it doesn't have anywhere near the same degree of power the first option does.

Parallels, such as Energy Work

This reminds me a lot of hands-on energy work. When you are really attuned to the divine of the person/you/God, it's like a trance with an impossible depth through your middle, and the energy just goes through you like a channel--you aren't even consciously doing much besides "holding the physical gateway of body+intent open" you might say--and there is the sense, later when you can get left-brain about it, that the energy poured into them was profound and powerful and deep. To the person, that was just 'nice', felt spiritual. But what really feels GREAT to someone getting a healing is when you "let the energy overflow" and it basically can be thought of as bubbling over onto/through the skin and surface energy body. Now at that point, the moment you feel that the energy you are pouring in has 'filled' and the 'overflow' reaches your hands or senses, it is time to move on. But the overflow feels really good to the person under your hands, as that is the "warm energy shivers" that are so physical. Much of energy work they are consciously oblivious to, especially the deepest stuff. The mostly-useless stuff that is just "stroking" so to speak, is what 'feels' best.

I think it is similar in terms of using sex. I'm referring to anything including masturbation in this case, which I have zero inhibition or embarrassment about, and I do not [unlike some authors] consider this any kind of a negative thing. The most spiritual stuff, the most powerful stuff, works "through" the physical body but then is fully transformed into something else, I have no idea what exactly. Probably all kinds of people have long boring tomes of dictation about this stuff but I really could not care less about all the philosophy, to me, it's experience, and I can think through-it with the help of that experience; books don't do much for me in this topic.

The least spiritual stuff, but that with the most physically kinesthetic or enjoyable experience, stays with the physical body, and the major point of enjoyment is actually in the "overflow" -- which is not even very useful, energetically, just a lot of fun.

Some tantric philosophies consider ordinary sex, aside from having-children, to be inherently bad. From 'disappointing' to actual 'black magick'. I mean seriously, to hear some of these people tell it, if you masturbate you're already one with demonic forces. Give me a break. I really wish that tantra could, like remote viewing in a way, have the critical parts of it dragged into a more scientific+experiential approach, free from the eons of philosophical baggage, religious garbage and mystical muck it is usually found drowning within.

It seems to me, and this is my informal experience talking and I'm no sage mind you, but it seems to me that the more physical energies are just crude in form. Every kind of energy has a sort of "gradient of levels", from the most crude (let's say masturbation to pornography, mental or physical) to the most divine (spiritual union). The difference is I don't consider the physical stuff to be inherently evil, any more than I consider washing the dishes evil. You can use washing the dishes as a spiritual meditation. You can analogy, allegory the experience to many things and manipulate your archetypal map of reality based on this. You can commune with divine parts of yourself and use a slow, warm-water, slippery-soap, cleansing-ritual as a very sensual form of kitchen worship. Or, you can just wash the damn dishes because it needs doing or because you're chilly and the warm water idea felt good or because it gives you a sense of accomplishment and room to mess it all up again. Not as much fun as divine merging via plate-buffing, granted, but not necessarily the left hand path of darkness, either.

I do not consider the physical world or body to be inherently bad. I consider the doctrine of Original Sin to be the greatest evil ever perpetuated on mankind, and much of the knee-jerk denouncement of things like masturbation to be a side-effect of that philosophy -- even in the eastern models, which have their own uniform of doctrine too. To all things there is a season, as the saying goes -- I think sometimes it is appropriate and fun to be 'crude' and have sex for the sheer joy of having it -- zen, by nature, is 'living' -- and sometimes it is appropriate to make it a divine tool. I consider myself a spiritual conglomerate and a symbiote of sorts, with a nature-spirit that is the physical body but also-me while I merge-inhabit her (although the definition of "I" includes her while this is so).

Sex and Women

Perhaps the single thing I agree with Freud about (I am a Jung fan, not one of Freud at all except where they agree) is that the clitoral orgasm is an "incomplete" release of energy, and this tends to be the type of orgasm that most women most commonly have.

This is in part because external stimulation is just so much easier; because internal stimulation tends to be based on the man more than the woman as far as how its gone about, rythym and for how long (and position matters; for many women it's much more likely to happen if she is squatting above rather than in front of or below the man), and because--in all honesty--it is more trouble to bring about usually, takes awhile in most cases -- and it's messy as hell! When men ejaculate they need a hand cloth. When women ejaculate they may need three towels and the mattress takes a week to dry out. At least this is my experience and that of many women I've talked with. So, often "G-spot orgasms" are not pursued simply because they are more trouble and inconvenient.

(Until not very long ago, the 'G'-spot was considered a myth. I find that difficult to believe, like I find many of the things related to women and changes in culture and science in the last century. I myself assumed it was a myth and knew nothing about it but then again, I knew nothing about sex at all. When I discovered this was real, I was so ASTOUNDED by it (I spent weeks wondering, "Where did all that fluid COME FROM?! Has it been sitting there for 33 years?? Where does it GO if I don't do that??") I sent an email to everybody, even my parents, heartily recommending they try finding and utilizing this fabulous area of the body, with instructions no less. OK, I might have been a little temporarily insane. That was also the first time I discovered multiple orgasms, and that women's get more intense with each one until you genuinely fear that you might DIE somehow, so it was a bit impactive an experience!)

But I agree with Freud that the clitoral climax is incomplete. I say this because this never fully relieves sexual energy for me. It does relieve/vent a bunch of it for "that moment" and for years I THOUGHT it was taking care of it for me, until I learned more about myself and paid more attention to myself and realized that even when that happens, sure on the surface I feel better, thanks I can move on with my day now, but at core I am still 'simmering' (and can do so for a long time -- days, longer) waiting for a more complete release. The G-spot orgasm involves my entire body, not just the genitals, and I can feel the difference not just as a focal point but as a more powerful "energetic" experience.

I have never tried to redirect a g-spot orgasm into a magickal focus. This is mostly because I don't bother having them all that often and am more interested in the experience. Most the so-called tantric work I do with meditation is either partial usually on purpose (not fully to any kind of climax, but a build-up of energy), or a clitoral orgasm. I imagine, since it is so much more body-wide and powerful, that it would be really powerful for magick work. I guess until I've had a lot more of them and can be more blase about having them, I am too selfish though, I would rather have the pleasure.

Using Tantric Focus or Sex Magick in Meditation

Like most things in theology or psi or both, sex magick is in part a no-brainer anybody can teach themselves the hard-but-experiential way, with innate intuition and learning-from-experience. But like those things, it has been canonized into a thousand roads of doctrine, with gurus and our-way-is-the-only-way and more. If sex were half as complicated as magick and psi have been made out to be by self-appointed authorities, our whole species would have died out a few million years ago.

I have three different major ways that I "think about" whatever I am focusing on during a sexually-assisted meditation. I am referring now to using masturbation as a tool. As far as sex with other people goes, it is most ideal as a form of worship, and I am sure readers can figure that one out for themselves. Here I am talking about using a gradual "building-up and intensifying of energy" in the body(s) to work with, merge with, etc. anything -- and I really do mean anything -- even 'abstract concepts', situations, relationships, can be made archetypes, in any form/gender, and approached like this. (Works just as well with two people.) Obviously other "identities", from aspects-of-self, to entire Godforms[a], can be approached this way.

1. I simply imagine that whatever focus, energy, topic, archetype, etc. is in question, I am literally having sex with in some fashion, and the pleasuring and semi-worship elements come in then.
2. I imagine that the focus is 'merging with me' like some kind of Energy-Being and the "suffusion" is sensual and feels good, and that we are gradually "sharing molecules" and getting brighter and so on.
3. I imagine that the focus is 'sharing my body' and we are mutually enjoying the pleasure. This is usually the approach I use if my focus is an identity (eg archetype) that is another woman.

[a] Most Godforms have more autonomous sense-of-self than the magickians calling them, and the latter become lunch and a sub-identity rather than the other way around as they had in mind. So I don't actually recommend that practice, except for people with much experience.

When you start approaching the "ramp to climax" is when you have to start paying more attention. Left to its own default behavior, the body will take that "extra energy" and "vent it via outlet" and it will be an ordinary experience. You have to take more control of "directing" via "Will/intent" the energy at this point.

There is a variety of stuff you can do here.

You can attempt to build it up in one or more chakras, in order to give some energy and emphasis to the qualities/energies/experiences that chakra is a gateway/sponsor for in your physical and energy bodies. For example your solar plexus chakra stores energy well and can be related to strength of will; your heart to understanding ('compassion'); these have psi effects (SP in dowsing physical relationships and heart in conceptual data; the throat chakra in audio-type info and forehead in visual, etc.). Some people might want the side-effects of this. It also simply helps intensify and open that chakra.

I might add that this energy is very powerful and to some degree can sort of 'burn through' energy blocks in the energy body, and while this has some good points it also has some concerning points; you can overdo it and kind of harm yourself, not eternally I assume but for awhile, just like you can when moving furniture, lifting weights, or anything else in life -- you can "overdo it" with energy work too sometimes and this can go beyond being sore and literally into being injured, and if you're thinking this is all some woo-woo energy thing, you only need to screw this up really well once to understand the effects can be quite physical.

So spending a solid hour building up massive energy, and then attempting to use that to 'burn through all blocks' and 'totally open' your heart chakra, is probably not wise and it'll help to have a good health insurance plan. Such things are better done gradually and in balance with all the others.

You can intentionally raise the kundalini energy to be a very powerful connection between all the chakras. I've only done this a few times because I've only tried a few times. Basically you want to really focus on the energy at the base chakra and then imagine it moving upward. I've had the best result with this in visualization, imagining that the feel on my genitals is like a serpent 'swallowing' that part of me very slowly, energetically swallowing "my whole spine" at that point, and then I gradually move it 'up' and if done right the energy does move 'up' the spine.

It helps, if you want to make this work, it's a little like some of the more powerful archetype meditations: you really need to WANT it. I mean really focus on "the wanting" it every instant, teasing and tempting it, talking to it in your head, that it wants to consume that whole spine, and that there is a powerful energy at top that wants it to reach that goal, and that you want to be consumed by it, all the way around that circle-of-want, perceive it like a powerful identity, of its own, you are having sex with THAT part of yourself then.

The only caution about this is that if you do it right often your whole body will arch into rigid and this can stay that way for a LONG time, and I mean you really are paralyzed beyond conscious ability to change it at that point, and this can be really scary. I had someone whom I assume would know, once tell me that it was important not to have fear here, that it could create powerful energetic blocks if that got out of hand. He also told me that some people will intentionally stiffen/force a stop in the body-climax of this at some point (say, the neck, meaning the throat chakra) to intensify the effects there. I haven't tried that so far.

You can visualize the prep/setup for whatever or whomever it is you are focusing on for this, preparing to receive with great passionate wanting, all that energy, and imagine that the channel is set up that all this energy is transferring directly to/into them as it comes. This will generally cause the energy to just sort of "flow to them/it" and it's GONE in body-feeling, if done ideally.

But this isn't always done ideally. So a lot of the time it is more of a variable, by-degree, spectrum-experience ranging from "total transmutation of energy" to "physical venting climax" and every possible place on the scale between.

Crowley wrote about sex:

The battle will rage most fiercely around the question of sex... Mankind must learn that the sexual instinct is in its true nature ennobling. The shocking evils which we all deplore are principally due to the perversion produced by suppressions. The feeling that it is shameful and the sense of sin cause concealment, which is ignoble, and internal conflict which creates distortion, neurosis, and ends in explosion.

I happen to agree with that view.

PJ

Aeon Round, 27nov09

Tonight when I was doing the round -- the rosary-of-Aeons-mantra -- I was thanking some of them for having taught me something in the merge with Marcan. For giving me the opportunity to really feel something different. God knows if this were only in my head and never in my body, only semi-autonomous visualization and never spontaneous and surprising, it just wouldn't work at all. My left-brain (so to speak) is far too active for me to allow myself any of it otherwise.

It was all pretty normal for this round. I reached Nero at the end, he is the last if I begin at the top of the round with Ithikah. And suddenly, I felt nearly overcome with gratitude and wishing. I invented a whole formalized prayer designed to disable, override, remove, or render inactive, defenses and resistance and fears and more that would slow, resist or prevent he and I's fuller integration.

Then, while I was getting all kinds of groovy body-rushing-fuzzies from this, I had a sort of epiphany, in a way, though I didn't realize the mental part of it until later. That understanding, evolution if you want to use that word, is not even, not linear, for me or anyone, any more than it has been for humanity at large. I said, I will be courageous and aware like you, because you woke me, you were the first to get through to me, and you inspire me, and I will join you in this effort to "build-out" our larger shared soul.

And then waves of emotional gratitude seemed to hit me in cycles, like ocean waves on a shore, and I realized that to varying degrees, I actually had the ability to HELP him, not just by working on the same thing beside him in a way, but by intentionally working to bring everything I have into him too. There are plenty of energies that I integrate with better or easier than he does and vice-versa, that's just always the way it is with different aspects I felt, and I can deliberately help him with everything I am, and am capable of being or becoming. As a gift, of sorts. As my gift of gratitude.

Much more body-rocking energy-rushing happened then for awhile, particularly from mid-torso to about halfway up my head.

Aside from that the round was normal. I mean I assume this is just a rosary of sorts and normally these things do not occur during it. But much like practicing something daily (e.g. music) you get all kinds of novel creative riffs and ideas you wouldn't if you weren't doing it regularly.

I'm still a little fascinated by the other day's experience. I mean how I was doing tantric focus in the morning, but left that unfinished, and then Marcan (who was my focus that morning) was so incredibly "present" later, and we ended up in that merge. I feel I should intentionally attempt to do this with each one of my Aeons in turn just to see the results.

Unfortunately since my heater is currently out and it's cold, my teen is sleeping with me as my tiny room is the warm one, so that isn't real workable right now. Oh well--reality is what it is. Soon though.

I wonder what effect other offbeat things with a specific focus would have. I mean... if sexual energy, focused but without climax, can have that effect later, what about other body-things? Like eating? Smelling essential oils? Listening to classical music? Massaging any given part of the body? If one really focused on doing that "with" -- sharing the energy "with" -- one of the Aeons, would it make any difference at all, given a little time to integrate/absorb?

Are there ways of intentionally expanding one's integration with a given energy, based on other historical occult practices, like visualization of certain colors, shapes, invoking certain godforms (that practice is not for me, call it paranoia), or whatever? Would chakra meditations (which I feel, since the archmed that sort of ruthlessly "set them to begin opening-more-etc.", are expected of me) help, or would focusing one or more chakras' energy on a given Aeon make a difference?

I'm still flipped out by Nedlund being 'sound' and still working to wrap my brain around that. It gives me the most bizarre ideas as I try to understand it better. Like this one: If I were to put on, say, a purple light, and massage my left leg, and chant "ra, ra, ra" for a few minutes, while focusing on some given Aeon, would this 'open up' ANY 'area of energy' inside me for better integration? Would it have some different effect than a yellow light and chanting 'shreen shreen shreen' as I massaged my right hand instead? Or would these things have no effect at all?

Am I oversimplifying? If this is silly and I really am, then how can I intentionally work with a given Aeon aside from semi-ordinary prayer? Is there some way of going about this MORE powerfully, proactively, intensely, than how I am doing it?

Not to be impatient (...) but since the majority of my life is spent in NOT really evolving in any noticeable way, what few periods I have when I am really focused, I really have to maximize the results of, since it could be a long time before that kind of focus and growth comes around in my life again. I first met The Four more than fifteen years ago. I was introduced to the consortium a few years ago. It has taken me this long to finally accept it enough, despite that this bizarre perceptual framework does not fit into my western models of religion or philosophy, to begin working with it actively. I don't want it to take another 15 years to learn to accept this fully. Whatever I can do right now, when I am focused (for whatever reason) so much more than usual, seems like it would be a good thing.

I wonder if just dedicating "all the experience of a day" to a given Aeon would have any effect. You know, everything, every energy-of-experience no matter how mundane, trivial, crude, or interesting, just really holding a given Aeon in "awareness" and "sharing" that energy with them, every moment one is capable of doing so.

I wish other people did this stuff. I mean surely somewhere, other people do. I just don't find it written in the past or on the internet in the present. I wish I didn't feel like the lone ranger with so much of it. Where did these awarenesses, these numbers, the Four, the 12 in the Consortium, come from? Would the Urantia book have some category explaining this? God knows it's got some bureaucratic accounting for damn near everything else in the universe, at least so I hear.

It reminds me of remote viewing, aspect and archetype and chakra RV and my fascination with 'process' and experimenting with these, and a seeming vaccuum of that interest with most people I've known aside from ways to write stuff down on paper (oh brother. Although I grant that's a place to start). I feel like there should be at least a tiny world of people sharing similar interests with me, but those that might exist don't spend much if any time documenting it for sharing with others I guess, at least in a model like mine. I suspect I just sound like an out-there-weirdo being the one raving about it alone.

I feel like someday, someone is going to find my blog content in some obscure archive of the past and go, oh my gosh, this person had such similar experiences, I am not alone with it! (Concerning RV stuff, I have often felt that actually happens but it's many decades in the future and that person is another incarnation of me.) But with my luck I'll be long dead by then!

PS: Any 'ideas for integration' are welcome.

PJ

Archmed: Authority & Helplessness

Into my life, since childhood and still alas ever-present, is a certain "pattern of energy" that I have recognized more than once as a huge problem. Despite recognizing it, I haven't "got around to" meditating on it. Which might have continued if my friend hadn't just pointed it out. If it's so obvious it's even apparent to other people it's a major recurring issue I need to meditate on, I guess it's time.

The pattern is this: some 'more powerful' identity (a parent, a big corporation) will do something "invasive and harmful" in my life, and it will be injust or unfair (unwarranted). For example, a company might wrongly debit my account for a lot of money I need, when they aren't supposed to and they admit it, and then take weeks to get it back to me. Or they will do something actually illegal (I once later was part of a class action suit against BofA). Usually the issue is one thing but there is some problem caused by that issue as a second effect too.

In any case, it's basically being put in a position where I am utterly powerless against something or someone who is hurting me in some way. Sure, I survive, my friends are always impressed at how I manage to 'deal with' the unfortunate and unfair circumstance of that sort. But I shouldn't be having it in the first place. This has gone on since childhood. Then, it was mostly issues with parent/teacher figures. When I reached early adulthood it moved to the workplace and then out to the world of utility companies, big corporations, my ex-husband, even the IRS.

It's always something. The pattern, the energy, is the same.

So this morning (Tue 11/24) I woke up before my alarm and had time to wake up nicely and consider what kind of meditation I should do while sitting up in the dark with my blankets around my shoulders. I told IG I wanted to meditate on the archetype of that.

Just telling her gave me a gut-level fear feeling. When my friend mentioned I should do an archmed on this, even that conversation gave me the same feeling. I expected the arch to be some kind of monster.

Archetype Meditation:

Actually I couldn't see it at first. Not uncommon with things I have trouble facing or dealing with. Then I saw a piece of it, a metal outer wall with patterns, and my whole body shuddered with shivers when I saw it. I couldn't see anything else, and I imagined walking around it and then looking again. The same thing happened. I went around it and then attempted to go over it, which is when I realized it was unbelievably huge, tall. It is a structure of some kind. Imagine a cross between a skyscraper and a Borg Cube and you have a good idea of what it looks like.

At the top there was something offbeat. In one place it looked unfinished, like under construction, and I trembled violently -- I mean it was SO strong how hard shivers just rocked my whole body every time I 'saw' a new 'piece' of the archetype -- as I looked at it. As if just seeing it was some kind of merge or opening. Another part of it on top seem burned somehow, like melted to black.

I had the impression while looking at the top that this could take a Jedi framework for my working, some use-the-force-Luke, because while it might LOOK like a cross between a skyscraper and a Borg Cube, it FELT like Darth Vader's DEATH STAR, hahaha! Like this big, overwhelming, ridiculously powerful, force of 'authority'.

I might add I have never had merge-like effects just from SEEing an archetype before. In fact I only had it on merging until with my current IG when I sometimes started getting it during an archmed if I were sending much energy (like with the giant red dragon) as part of the process.

Wed afternoon (11/25). I have never less felt like doing any meditation in my life. It feels like it won't even work. Why even try, I tell myself. But I have time, and it's quiet, so I make myself walk through the whole long cave process (despite the tree on my plateau now. I felt I might get more into it with more effort) to see IG again. Of course, I fell asleep instead.

Wed night (11/25). I had put off doing the Aeon Round but since I was in denial of this archmed I did that. And blogged that. Then watched hulu.com with the kid. And managed to do away with many more hours of not-doing this meditation.

My heater in my climate control system in the house quit working. I wonder what that means as some symbolic, creating-my-reality symbol. That wondering killed a little time. It's so hilarious that I'm lucky to have the attention span of a gnat about most things until I'm in denial of something like meditation, at which point I can ponder some other trivial idea for hours.

I have a small electric space heater. It quit working too! I need to finish the meditation before any other bizarre "helplessness" symbol crops up or gets worse.

---

Thurs 11:30pm. I take the long way into my archetype working area and look at IG. My beautiful goddess-like guide, I say to her affectionately. I want to finish this meditation. I want to be courageous. I have the inner feeling that someday it will not be ok to open up a meditation like this and leave it open or unfinished. That the power inherent will be dangerous, moreso than the simple things I do now. I want to learn to face these things squarely and deal with them. She brought back the archetype, and the gigantic skyscraper-borgcube-thing rose impossibly high in front of me, only visible in places, mostly 'sensed'.

Bring me all that would most help me, I told her, yelling Jupiter! in my mind at the same moment although I have no idea why, it almost seemed to happen without my intent. A large man (Jupiter the archetype) appeared just behind my right shoulder. I looked at the collection of archetypes, and some Aeons, behind me, maybe guides, quite a few things/people I couldn't define well. I pulled them all into me. Then I considered. I could feel a reduction, as well as increase, in both power and focus, and considered what Ray etc. had taught me about that.

Then I pushed them all out of me and stood alone. Please link into me, I said with a sigh, imagining that we were 'connected' energetically. I think perhaps I am meant to learn to deal with things directly anyway. I think maybe hiding behind or within powerful other identities is not the right approach from now on.

I stopped. I looked again at the big collection of 'people'. One of them felt... not quite right. Not fully in favor of me. Not overtly bad, just not really one with my intent. Feeling as if some part of me I don't normally access was operating, which felt a little like the Senior, I reached out with energy and with a feeling of warrior, just obliterated the whole sense of human form and identity into nothing but energy, and then I slammed the energy with an intent at lightning and transformation to brighter and dissolution of everything that was not "Will of Mine" and then I sucked it all into my solar plexus, like some energy equivalent of eating your enemy's heart you just ripped out of his chest. I turned to IG, feeling as if I'd done something kind of sudden and ruthless and heard myself saying to her something like, "MY space. MY Will. I'll not abide anything that does not support me." She nodded her head, as if she expected this of me and was not surprised.

Well I certainly was. But the part of me that was, felt rather far away. It kinda wondered, is this a bad thing? But the dominant me answered no. Everything in there is part of ME. I am the Master of me. All energy here is OF me, and will serve me and my Will.

.... alrighty then...

I went up to the top of the arch. The burned part needs fixing, I decided. I attempted to remove it, but that didn't work. Then I attempted to just fix it, heal it, but that didn't work either. I pulled back and considered. I could feel that it just wasn't enough. Wasn't deep enough. I need to heal ME, I observed, and although the archetype is, technically, part of that, I think I need to do this directly.

I shifted perspectives and looked at my body, as a body of a person standing in the archetype world (not the me sitting on my bed), and I said, "Show me what I need to heal." I was shocked when I realized there were arrows protruding out of the back, in a straight line across the back, many next to each other. I created a medical table and put my/her body on it face down.

It was horrible. There were seven arrows stuck deeply into the body right at heart level from one side to the other. The entire area however was open like a deep gash or chasm in the earth. And it was filled with black, some vile wounding by evil not just by an arrow, as if there was some poisonous blackness on the arrowheads that had festered and spread in the gash-wound and now looked like some kind of chunky blackness, like lava rock made into a jello texture.

(Note: just earlier today, I dreamed of this deep energy-blackness that these men, of whom I was watching yet also one of, were using, as a powerful magick, that was effective against a powerful enemy, yet did nearly as much damage to them while using it as it did to the other side. It was both murder and suicide, eventually, but they bore it with terrible stoicism, assumedly for some greater good at their own expense. In the dream I felt profound, deep compassion for them and wanted to heal them, to relieve their suffering. I didn't until just now connect the blackness or warfare symbols to the earlier dream I'd half forgotten by now. Also: there was one symbol, of thin metal 'casing' tube in the body ('through the right shoulder front to back' in this case) which is just like the symbol in the archmed of 8/31/09).

I pulled out the arrows, all seven (the number seemed significant somehow) one by one and dropped them on the other side of the body. My mate of the Four was there, the Third, and he took them and did something with them to make them inert and harmless. (That is unusual. The Four are not usually present in archetype work.) When all seven were pulled out, I put my hands over the back and 'pulled up' with great intent, sort of 'sucking' the blackness out, and it raised into the air and began accumulating.

It had a weird perceptual effect. I was imagining all this (of course), some pieces more 'autonomously self-creative' than others, some more vivid than others, but the blackness had a completely different visual and sense feel. Imagine that you are looking at a page in a magazine and it has a picture and everything is slick and glossy and surreal and everything looks like a realistic but quality "illustration" but then right in the middle is this flat matte-finish, real-looking THING, as if it is somehow in full 3D reality while everything else is not-quite-real 2D. No gloss or reflection or 'drawing' impression. Real in a kind of brutal and ugly way.

I forced more darkness out of the body. I could feel there were pieces, even like atom-sized pieces, all over, and I focused my will and DRAGGED them out of the body, every bit that I could find, together. I put a stasis field over the big gash across the back and moved the body away and focused on the blob of blackness. I put my hands around it, asked all the onlookers for assistance, asked for the Angelics who put their hands on my back, and worked on making inert and then transmuting all that energy, removing the physical from less-so, dissolving it all into nothing but gold light, and then I had the feeling that I should let it go, and three that I felt were the others of The Four took the energy themselves, into their solar plexus chakras. I had the feeling they would be more competent at making it truly 'theirs' and not harmful. I let it go and turned back to the body and wound.

There were "seven empty cylinders of pain" across the back, as if that were their title, somehow. How odd, I thought, as if each arrow had left literally a fat, deep little 'cylinder' shape totally 'open' in the body, as if nothing was there anymore; whatever had been there had been absorbed into the blackness and was now gone, so it was empty. I imagined a fluid that would fill them and it seemed to have its own life, a thin, slightly viscuous silvery fluid that filled each cylinder area exactly to the top. Then I asked for a healing salve for all the space in the gash around and between these and something more golden showed up, like a thick gel, and I filled the body with it. I sensed the gel healing first, the body 'growing' new inner flesh etc. as needed, until it was healed to the surface and skin regrew. Then I asked the silver fluid to heal, and it did something similar, but it took longer, as it got thicker and mirrored the body and seemed to 'match the pattern' like DNA and then thickened until it 'grew' into body itself and finally came up to the surface, and as skin covered the last of it I put my hands over it and imagined energy throughout the body.

I returned into my virtual body and went back to the top of the roof. I rebuilt the burned areas at the top on one side, using author Jordan's concept of 'weave' to imagine doing so of fine strands of light, and it was finally ok.

I attempted to just remove the 'under construction' portion of building on the other side but that didn't work. I wanted to just wipe it out, destroy it, remove it, dissolve it, get rid of it. The solution to an enemy is not to feed that same energy, I heard. It is to heal the darkness that causes its pain. I thought that might be The Queen. It was difficult as I really did not FEEL like healing it beyond that one part I'd already done. I felt like obliterating it and eating its energy like I had the figure in my space. I finally closed my eyes and asked that "Divine Will" be the guide on whatever should be done there and let it be so. It was then finished building, though it was a bit different shape there than before.

I had the visual sense of a dog suddenly. I thought for a moment I was daydreaming, where did that come from?! Then I realized -- I had forgotten:

Long ago, maybe before blogging, I had a profoundly powerful spontaneous meditation (aka "vision") where I was in the upper story of a building being built-out. The building was 3 stories high and it was 'me'. The upper story was spiritual stuff. But it was so dusty, abandoned, with wood and workman's tools all over. And when I got to the top of the stairs where I knew I normally entered, a large dog was lying there, not just dead but 'dessicated' somehow. I knew that he was my best friend there, and I loved him hugely, and that he had died starving, waiting for me to return, and I had completely abandoned him. I fell to my knees bawling on him and cried and cried. I came out of the vision, considered it, and then bawled awhile more. More than once in the years since I have returned to the abandoned upper shell of that house and the stillness and the body of the dog, mourning him. Well just recently I found myself there again and I refused to accept it, and I poured energy into it and told it to wake up and continue, and then I went to find my dog and I sat there and just poured energy from hands and every chakra into his body until it started to flesh out, and then turned a normal color, and then finally started to come alive again, until all the sudden he was there, knocking me backward and licking my face and so happy to see me and I nearly bawled all over again. That was just... a few days ago I think.

Who knows why but my dog-friend was there. I threw my arms around him and gave him energy and told him I was sorry for forgetting him--again--for a few days. Then I noticed the interesting sync of that 3-story house that was 'me' and this giant skyscraper-borgcube-thing that was the archetype. What did the partial-building-out mean? Was there some sync between me and it? Was the dog bringing this to my attention?

I stood on the roof and imagined the rain of love, the light, the gel, the wind, etc. pouring down on me and it, and at the end of that, the size of the building had reduced from 'monster' to 'ordinary' sized. I made myself big and put my hands around it and imagined sending energy into it to 'heal' it but it didn't feel like that was working.

Some things you cannot heal from the outside, I heard. I dropped to normal sized and walked through its front door, into the middle of the building which went all the way to the top, like hollow, and was surrounded by windows across the top and sides. (Reminded me briefly of a room in my arch-world that my Sun once took me to.) I imagined my root chakra connecting with the earth's core, and my crown chakra connecting with the galaxy's center, and pulling energy through me, and I began to send energy out.

It isn't enough, I heard. I 'understood' then that I would need to allow more opening and activation of all my chakras in order for this to happen, and that I had been refusing this for a very long time. I didn't even question it, feeling suddenly much like I had near the beginning when reacting to the sense of a presence not fully supportive, and I just 'did' it, made the decision to allow and moved on with it, without much thought. It was simply done. Distantly I sensed this was as ruthless as the other had been. This would have plenty of side-effects. They were not important. The power was what was important. I projected energy from me like crazy and it infused the building and that seemed to work.

I went outside it and considered. It was normal looking now. I had done everything that normally is required and then some. I looked at IG.

I felt nothing, I said flatly. Something just doesn't seem right. I don't FEEL anything. No shivers, no rushing, no warmth. No sense of merging. NOTHING in my body -- nothing at all. As if the entire experience had zero kinesthetic element. As if the entire thing were mental and less real. Tonight's work, I mean. I know it is just as valid; it was just as spontaneous as other good work, I don't doubt the soundness of it. Only that it seemed like I should be feeling something more physically and I wasn't.

Yeah I know she has told me more than once that 'feeling' is not the proper measure of what has value or has worked. But this feels like it ought to have been present. Somewhere. Like I am just not DONE with this until I FEEL something. And I know that but I don't know what else to do. I'm missing something.

I told IG I would return later. The archmed is done but there is something I need to do that I haven't yet grasped. Maybe the Four will know. I will visit them soon.

PJ

The Four, The Consortium, The Point

I love it when I'm watching something in a movie and suddenly I see something that TOTALLY reminds me of some scene from my inner world.

Long ago (blogged in two parts in "IG and the Pagan Night" and "Gaia and the Pyramid"), I had this archetype meditation where the arch was a step pyramid like south american stuff. Except the step was actually in a spiral. And there was no visible way into it. The entrance turned out to be off to the side of the pyramid some distance, there was like a door in the ground and you went down into it, and then there was this stone hallway that led across (under) the ground and it went to the center of the pyramid at the bottom of it and then a door above opened up and you were "inside" it then. It was stepped 'in reverse' inside and it was fairly small. The meditations were kick-ass.

Well there are many differences... this pyramid was a bazillion times bigger, the distance to entrance farther, the entrance above ground, the stone path a road not a tunnel, and the pyramid different inside -- ok, yes, so they are almost nothing alike I admit -- still, the vision of this pyramid with an entrance in exactly the same relationship off to the side (except farther away, but then the pyramid was so much bigger, it seems like it's the same) and a path over there to the middle was just "startling" to me for some reason. It was in the season 3 episode 1 of SG-1. Imagine that the walkway is a tunnel and it's actually underneath the ground not above it, and this is just like the archetype turned out to be.



Musing --

I was talking to my buddy L about all this last night. You know, about: What's the point? OK, the whole 'The Four' and 'The Consortium' are... what, novel? More interesting than Mormonism? But what's the difference really, is it just another uniform, another trap, another doctrine in development, some funky perspective that's just wasting my time with some imaginative kick-the-can rather than something more useful?

I've often mentioned people I knew who went into some kind of mystic inquiry allegedly for spiritual reasons and ended up off the side of the road selling crystals... or whatever. If you see what I mean.

The Four

Thinking back, the first time I met the four it was as individuals. I didn't know them as part of our Four then. I met the Third (my mate) in several visions. I knew we had the relationship we do. From Bewilderness:

November, 1993

I sat down briefly, and found myself abruptly in a vision or dream. There was this blonde man, who as it turns out, was me. I don't mean he was symbolically me, or 'male energy' of me, or anything like that. I mean I literally shared his perception because we are really one, but we are still separate identities as well. I saw him as "another aspect of me." As if his consciousness is combined with mine but his... perception is slightly... larger. Because he's smarter, I mean, a slightly higher order of species. A separate individual than me in the physical, though, even though we could share our perception at times.

I met the Queen in several visions and dreams as well. Then I met her in what seemed a past life, where 'she' was the dominant personality in the body and I functioned like a spirit guide extension of her in some fashion.

And I wondered what the point of it all was even way back then. One thing I journaled touched on that:

November, 1993

There's something I realized as a result of that dream of the blonde-me. This is hard to explain, but seems to fit into it all for some reason, and I feel it's really important that I understand this, that it relates to all the odd things going on in my life. The realization goes something like this:

All acceptance is by faith. Not blind faith as "trust," but faith as an absolute commitment, and when you make the latter, you realize it is the former.

I feel as if I've made a specific commitment. When I made it, I didn't know the path, or where it led, or anything. I knew only that I would do whatever it took, wherever I was, whatever the conditions, regardless of anything else in the universe. There's a certain point where, when you know you're going to do something no matter what, the how and why and when simply become... irrelevant. When you get right down to it, you either commit or not: there are no "conditional" commitments. Which is why it becomes faith: you quit worrying about, or even thinking about, the ways and means (or even the goal).

The Four developed with me over time. Some journal quotes (thanks to Bewilderness):

October, 1994

There is this one type of dream that I always remember, when in the dream, that I am there "all the time" or at least often, but not until today did I remember (while awake) having them. In them I am somehow four different people at the same time, and yet one. Two male, two female. And we're every possible relationship to each other and also merged. Every possible relationship. So for instance, the other female would not only be mother, sister, lover, daughter, but would also be every probability combination existence on the planet, up to and including the ex-girlfriend of a second cousin of mine, a political leader, someone I never heard of, indirect things as well. They all have the same thing with me and with each other, the four of us completely intertwine, like "the four of us compose the universe," or at least the human element of it.

and

The "aspect of me" that was the blonde fellow, or the one I called "the blonde-me," was one in a group of four including myself. Maybe there's more and I just don't know it. I wondered if multiple personality syndrome would explain such a thing, but finally decided that most of the personalities people have with that syndrome are, well, from this dimension, so to speak, and not usually quite that simultaneous, let alone in a separate body. I didn't realize that he was part of the four of us at first. My encounters with him alone were quite different than the times when I encountered all three of them together. When it was just he and I, it seemed more... fascinating in a way that shamanic creatures fascinated me. When it was all four of us, it was invariably an exciting, spiritual experience that left me feeling ... "holy."

and

(As part of a dream of the future) Then last night I (as the four we, but mainly as the two [younger?] we's) were cleaning the eye, and we (the two older we's) said, We thought you weren't going to see that. And we [the youngers] replied, Well we weren't, but we've found a way now that we can see the future without it hurting.

and

October, 1994

Well the other day I'm in the shower, and I'm thinking casually about the 4 in 1 thing, these dreams about me and three who are also me, and I turned my face into the water for a moment and suddenly the water reminded me of that vortex which reminded me -- Four in one. Four colors, four beams of light which were also sound; all of which had their own resonance, and then when they perfectly merged they wrapped around each other in a vortex providing a "doorway" to "some other dimension." The 4-in-1 dreams where we all merge and whatever thing we're doing together works. The round thing with the four beams of light: the circle squared, as magick calls it. All this stuff is connected. I was so shocked by the associations I inhaled and choked on the water. (Talk about baptized by an idea.) I think I get it. It's like a key. I don't actually know, though, if it is dependent only upon the "higher self" structure or if there are other ways of accomplishing that four beam thing with technology, and either way I don't think I know how to get to the "technology or method" of doing it.

I always wondered if this related to the four, but I don't know:

November, 1994

3,3,3,4. 9,9,9,12. These numbers came up in a dream, and I felt it crucially important that I remember them when I awoke. I haven't the vaguest clue what it means.

It got more comfortable over time.

November, 1994

Had a nice meditation, sort of (what does one call all these states of consciousness?). Three others and I (this is getting a bit repetitive, I must admit) were playing and talking and such. And I said Hey, it's you guys! Cool! Let's merge! And when we did, I was reminded of how the first time I consciously remembered them, I realized we had "every possible relationship" to each other. Then it was like these rays of light connected each of us to the other; and then we merged, but those rays were still there, even though we weren't really separate; and then it was like chakras below and above the body (I had forgotten some schools of thought mention those) merged together in these bright balls of light, one ball above and below us, and then all the connecting paths between us lit up, with certain bright spots, balls of light like our chakras, in certain places. It felt very groovy, and as my perception pulled back a little bit so I could see us almost from the outside, I went Hey! We're that Tree of Life thing, in 3-D! I didn't realize that was connected to the subject. (Perhaps I'm coming upon obvious things that everyone knows, but they're fun nonetheless.) So perhaps the four of us really do "compose the universe," like my first impression gave me.

and

They seem to be getting more casual, I meet them more easily (though they often change form), and they often find my immediate "Let's merge!" approach nothing short of riotous. (I'm glad I'm such entertainment. Sigh.) Maybe there is some kind of diplomatic relationship one is supposed to have prior to this announced desire, like buying your date dinner first.

In fairness, I didn't really make anything all that special of this because I was having so much other experience around then, in the 93-95 era. Dreaming of Crowley and the Abramelins, of the future, having major waking visions, and the weird experiences that somehow blended alien, faery, and inorganics all in one, there was so much OTHER stuff going on that in the scheme of things, although they were special, they were just one of many 'weirdities' in my life.

I didn't realize until later this was also about them:

January, 1995

The first section was all about my "energy;" somehow breathing was not the only cyclical thing I did, but it was as if there were dozens of things my "body" did (maybe below the conscious level or even below the physical), and I was trying to get them aligned, and noting that many of them were blocked, it was like if you were watching a whole group of waveforms and they were crashing into each other instead of moving harmoniously together. Anyway, so I got most of them aligned OK, and my breathing evened out.

The second section was about humanity, the same sort of thing as with the first dream, except it was on a larger scale; more items to "synchronize" and with the overall world, not just myself.

The third section was something related to the first two, but hard to describe. There was some acknowledgement of everything (energy) in the world feeding into this one eventual unit, kind of like a drain, the way the energy swirled around in a vortex before going into this one place/thing. But there was this sort of distraction, it was as if just above that layer of "going into one" understanding, there were four "units" which would be better called "collective energy with a representative identity" that everything flowed into according to its matching nature. I was repeatedly trying to get past the four and back to the one which I knew was the real source, and the whole point of things. I varied back and forth between the two perspectives of one or four.

Anyway, I don't really know what all this has to do with anything, except the four elements of nature seem the obvious symbolism here.

Wow, funny. I didn't pick up that quote till today, and I'd forgotten the detail. Terms like 'distraction' and 'the whole point of things', energy and alignment and blocks -- are all part of the last day talking about the subject. Which is... what. Two months shy of 15 years later!

Well after 15 years I guess it's fair to say it's not going away soon.

The Consortium (also called The Coalition in the early days), I blogged about my meeting with them in The Tower, introduced to me by The Senior, shortly after I had met Nero, the first of them.

There were a bunch of people there, which was confusing. There is only me and the three after all. I looked for my mate, and there he was; I walked over and put my arm around him, and tried to kind of curl up and hide against his chest, like a shy child might with their mother. I felt intensely shy about all these other people, as if they were more than I was ready to deal with.

...They are 'of' you as well, the senior told me. I held harder to the third, not wanting to see. It was hard enough accepting that my soul could somehow have three others involved with it---let alone that I was a 'smaller perspective' than they were, and the fourth of four---that took years.

... There must have been about 12-16 other people there.

... It is already so, you know, he said. It is only a matter of acceptance. He was quoting me back at me!---I wrote that about my 'Abyss' experience back in my Bewilderness days. I gathered up my courage and agreed, and turned to greet them.

The people spread out from the four of us, and I had the definite sense of a geometric, fractal pattern, that the combination of us "composed" something. Long ago, I had merged with the three and had a similar sense.

... This time, there were lights less like white energy ball-spheres, and more like small but intensely bright glimmering things, and each person had several of them. We all connected together, as if the several we each carried were all fitted into a net or matrix or sorts, a pattern, somewhat spread out. I gazed on it from the inside and suddenly realized: it's like being within the stars. Like a star-map in 3D, like floating in space.

Every man and every woman is a star, I remembered once reading, and then I remembered my experience with a universe as an idea incarnate. My relationship within the four is of one nature; the added people are more than an expansion, they are more like a... like a different nature of connectivity

I'm biased, sure, but I suspect that in Cambodia, those temple towers with four faces? That this is a symbol for what I call "the four-fold soul".


I also suspect that in Vedic art, those gods with 8 arms or more? That this is how they are representing four (or more) personas in one. That the arms each holding a different object or symbol represent different identity-focuses.



So while on one hand I find nothing in "Western writings" to make me feel sane, to match my own experience, I suspect that some of that stuff in the East might.


My friend L was googling trying to find anything that would describe something similar like a group soul, or being one in four. He found this rather fascinating sync. This is I guess a book excerpt about someone's NDE. http://www.dharma-talks.com/soul_group.htm This syncs to The Four:

I noticed three other light fragments that became brighter. They had silhouette shapes. Not clearly defined but I recognized them as other beings. It seemed like they were separating themselves from the light and coming to me. As they did, I could sense them projecting “welcome home” as if we were family and that there was joy in our reunion. I never had those strong feelings in life. This felt stronger and more binding than anything I had experienced in my life. I was now home, together with these beings. Since then, I have come to call them my Soul Group or Soul Family.

And this syncs to the Consortium:

Beyond the original three, there were more light beings coming and joining us. They didn't really communicate, at least not in a way that you and I are accustomed to. There were maybe a dozen in all. Some of them were behind others so I couldn’t see them as clearly as the ones closest to me, but they were all around me. These others were like family, but not as close as the first three.

Huh. I don't know... seems like a big coincidence. I don't know how long it took L googling to find that but it seems the only thing he found. Of course we both know of the 'group soul' concept from Jane Roberts's works. It was the one thing I always found hardest to understand or accept, so it's so ironic it would be the one that has played the biggest part in my experience.

I wanted to know myself. Truly. That has led me to The Four, and eventually to the twelve. The Third of Four told me he worked with other groupings too.

Is there some point to this eventually, I wonder?

For the moment I feel like I just need to be consistent, and trust, and see where it takes me.

PJ