This is an experience I had near the end of 1993 I believe. Although I've written it down to others a few times, it's not in my formal archives and I have no idea where to find it, so I thought I would record it again for posterity. I remembered it after reading the latest post on the CobalSigil blog.
I was definitely in a trance state, but not deeply; I was resting, having finished email, and was considering what to do about dinner, as I gazed mindlessly out my back sliding glass door. It was still very light outside though evening was approaching fast, and I was feeling a bit languid and didn't much feel like getting up and doing anything.
It took me a little while to realize that something had just happened. Often this kind of thing actually goes on for a bit before my conscious mind clues in and decides to pay attention. I had just "shared" the experience of an entity.
-------------------
He had traveled far to make the request. Journeyed among many lands and strange creatures to get to the place where you could make a petition to the Gods. Maybe if you were lucky, the Gods might hear you; there was no other choice, now.
He carried the sword the King had given him personally, and he felt heavy with the responsibility. He carried the weight of worry in his heart, and the fate of his whole people upon his brow.
He had been the Captain of the Guard for the King; the people's hero; the local Champion. Who else to take on such a task? Who else to show both the honor and courage the Gods might listen to? He had arrived at the temple finally, exhausted, and rested only long enough to hope that he was now strong enough that the Gods, any God, some God, might hear him.
He came from a land in despair. A land some said the gods must have abandoned for some great crime committed against them. The people had fled the borderlands of the South, where the land had become full desert, and had migrated away from the lakes that had shriveled into dustbowls. People had died by the handfuls and then by too large a number to count. Animals died as the fields and streams died, until most of the southern country was now a dry brown mausoleum to the past. The brown had spread to the centerlands, and even the far North of the kingdom, where the King himself lived, had begun to show the warning signs of death.
Nobody could say exactly when the rain stopped coming. They had never had a great deal of it, but the landscape preserved much of what arrived. At some point people realized the rain had began to diminish over time, and it seemed to get worse, until people began to talk in worried tones about it, and finally even the King mentioned it: there was something wrong with the sky: it had ceased to rain.
And one day the king's men returned from their surveys, and it became known just how much of the kingdom had already died, and how many would shortly, and how the dusty death would be taken all of them, even the King's court in the far North, before long.
The sun beat mercilessly down on all of them at the ceremony. The young Captain stood strong, proud to be chosen by the King, terrified that he had no idea if the gods were even real let alone would listen to him, grieved by just having heard of the death of his parents, and feeling torn inside between hopeless despair, and the determination to believe in something invisible, impossible, just for the sake of maybe finding it. All the people gathered to put their prayers into their hands and touch him, to give him their power. Maybe there would be enough power in him that his prayers would reach all the way to the gods.
He knelt in the temple on the mountain, alone in the room. The front of the temple was open and the sun was just setting, sending warm splashes of gold along the floor and onto his body. He looked at his hands and wished he had paid a little more attention as a child; he didn't remember any formal prayers. He had only the scroll, which he pulled from his shirt.
O mighty gods, he began, and then stopped.
His voice was trembling. The exhaustion of the ride, the emotional exhaustion of the last few weeks, the tears still unshed for his parents, and his mortal fear that the gods would not help him, had conspired against him, he thought somewhat desperately, as he forced himself to one of the sword-practice exercises that counted breath. Finally he felt calm again, and felt he could sound more confident this time, and he began again.
O mighty gods, he said again, hear my prayer. He held the scroll up and began the chant in his strong clear voice, the combined prayer of his people. He visualized all the power they put into him with their hands, and sending that power on one of those golden beams of light all the way to the sun, all the way to the gods. He imagined it carrying his voice through to them so clearly that he would echo around them. And while his mouth sang the chant and his mind's-eye worked the power, in his heart he prayed with love.
He had spent the weeks of his journey letting go of the anger he held inside against the gods for allowing his land such destruction, for the unfairness of it all. He had worked hard to hold nothing but faith. It had been a real stretch for a practical man such as himself, but he had dedicated himself to it fully, and by the time he arrived at the temple, he had been "filled with faith" for days. He prayed that his heart would be good enough to reach the gods, and that if it might not be -- for he sometimes doubted this -- that the gods would not hold that against his people.
And as he kneeled on the floor of the temple and prayed with all his might, a curious thing happened: God heard him.
And being God, with merely the shift of attention, intimately knew all about him and what was truly in his heart. And his heart moved God; who in turn loved him deeply and powerfully. His whole body shook with the intensity of the rapport.
He kneeled breathlessly on the floor, overwhelmed by the experience, and with joy from understanding that his people would surely be helped: God had heard him. He lay out on the floor, face down and arms out, exhausted and thankful and filled with love and faith.
And God turned to do something about his peoples' situation.
And the shallow surface focus-personality that God normally wore, which seldom interfaced with the deeper, larger part of God that handled this sort of thing, was more perceptive than usual at that moment, and realized with a shock all that had just occurred.
And that part of God wondered with confusion where the Captain of the Guard concept had come from, because she understood that the Captain's people were a large collection of cells in her lower right torso, profoundly dehydrated and much of the small system already atrophied, and she needed to drink a great deal more water.
God grieved, realizing she had just fallen in love with a young man who could not possibly exist. And God was in awe, that someone actually considered her ... to be God.
Are there whole worlds inside us? Are we merely inside someone else? Is God "in part" composed of everything created in God's image?
If everything is truly alive, does God have a responsibility to take care of her people?
.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Knight of Wands, a break
I've been pretty sick for a week. I'm just feeling better today. I intend to get back to my Knight of Wands meditation -- and following that, the one that sparked it, on obesity -- starting tomorrow, hopefully.
Remote Viewing and Energy
I would subtitle this "IG Points Out the Obvious".
This morning me and my best friend were having a discussion about viewing -- which we do regularly of course. I don't even remember all the talk, but I remember what I was thinking about afterward. Mostly, it came down to this:
Why? When we get the totally wrong target, why? When we clearly perceive specific data, and it turns out to be wrong, why?
I don't care about data you screw up on your own, which is the majority of problem data frankly. I don't care about poor contact or process issues. All of those are visible at feedback, and you can learn from feedback, and that is a sport-skill. No, I am talking about when a viewer has good contact, has a clear experience, and yet that is not about the target intended. In that instance feedback is useless, is more harm than help to likely psi experience, and we don't learn anything except not to trust ourselves.
Everybody has this in RV; nobody is exempt. Everybody seems to accept that's the way it is. Even in the professional lab, viewers will include 'getting the correct target to start with' as a separate statistic; one may say, "I'm on target about 68% of the time, but when I am, about 92% of my data is accurate." Everybody accepts that some portion of the time, a viewer has a perfectly clear piece of data that is totally wrong, or even an entire clear session that is totally wrong.
Nobody has a clue what to do about it. There are all kinds of things people come up with to try and combat this, from the target selection, to tasking, to session cool-down, warm-up, session methodologies, feedback rituals, you name it. Most things 'initially' seem to help but eventually it's the same accuracy % as usual. As an entire field we are just stuck: sometimes we suck and we have no idea how to fix it. The only consolation is that everybody does, to varying degrees; the only thing consistent about RV is its inconsistency.
I accept that this is the case. But I can't let it go. I want to know, why?
As I blogged previously (and those posts should be read before this one: first Aspect RV and then Archetype RV), off and on I have worked on my own approaches to viewing. Some of this is because spontaneous experience has made me more interested in the "session dynamics and experience" than most people are. In other words, most viewing is only about accurate data. I care about that, but to me the overall process is a point of fascination that I like to explore. Sometimes that helps me with data, such as Aspect RV; sometimes it tends to distract me from the data, such as with Archetype RV.
I was in the kitchen this morning making my kid a blueberry coconut pancake. As I'd mixed in the blueberry muffin crumbles from the hilariously failed muffins of the night before, the batter was crazy thick, so I sat down in a chair waiting for it to cook for a long while, and thought about it more.
If I only knew where to look, I griped to myself. I mean, let's say that I have some distortion in energy which causes me to not-perceive, or wrongly-perceive, Data X in Target Y. Fine, but how do I know what to work on, to directly address that distortion, if that's what the problem is? And what about when a whole session is on a seemingly wrong-target? Is that a distortion too? Where does a person LOOK for "what energies to address" in an archetype meditation, for example, to try and meet RV problems head-on and proactively work them out?
Using "the target" in general didn't work. I had tried addressing "the viewer's relationship with the target" in my Archetype RV. While I didn't give up the gut-feeling that this was generally the right road, still, that obviously was not the answer, and I was not planning to take up that same experiment in my next viewing cycle.
I pondered the problem. Then I pondered the solution: I have tools for working on stuff, after all.
I can build "mental tools" in my head, such as Richard Bandler talks about in NLP and which I assume most of us do a little bit automatically anyway. If I know that problem-Z is occurring, I can build a tool to help, for example. I can use my energy tools, such as reality-meds and arch-meds, to deal with things I know are problems. If there's issue X, I can work on that outside of RV to try and improve myself.
In short, I have a hammer. The problem is, I don't know where to find the bloody nail!
Sure, maybe "strong enough intent" would fix it but that isn't dealing with the problem I feel--that is strong-arming the solution 'through' the problem in that single instance. You still have the problem intact and it's just as likely to ruin some other session that didn't have some overwhelmingly powerful 'intent-assistance' factor instead.
What good are tools if you can't use them? If you don't even know where to look to find the real problem?
"IG," I half-whined at her, "Can you help me with this? Can you help me understand what is going wrong? Or maybe help me understand what I can work on to improve it?"
I had a clear sense of assent from her, and then a ROTE, as Bob Monroe described it -- a 'thoughtball' -- hit me and unfurled. This was multi-level conceptual and contains a bit of stuff, so it takes a bit of explaining.
But at the moment it unrolled in me, my first thought was:
Holy cats! That's so obvious! That's so perfect! That might work!
and my second thought was,
Why the hell didn't I think of this before?!
The first part of the thoughtball was like a "concept-relationship" and almost seemed as much like math-and-logic as it did anything else. It's difficult even to articulate in English but let me try. I used to troubleshoot manufacturing line and related process-flow issues, so I think for me it's easiest to put it into that context.
Let's say you have a goal and intent and plan and raw materials: you're going to build a bunch of somethings. And, you have a process for building these somethings --a manufacturing process --on one side of an equation. And then you have an output --that manufacturing result --on the other side.
Somewhere in the middle, you have got some obvious problems. Something is failing in your process. You're ending up with some products perfect, some products deformed, and some products that go in with the intent of being metal widgets and come out as stuffed animals. What the hell?! You must have several things going wrong somewhere in the middle! It's inconsistent, and nobody is sure what is going wrong, so you immediately start to troubleshoot.
But it's black-box, to use a software term. You cannot SEE the actual manufacturing process for some reason.
Well, that is an analogy to the issue that Remote Viewing has. There is a portion of our process which is black-box, which we neither know nor understand. People get target contact or they don't. While a myriad of factors can lean on helping or hurting that situation, still nobody knows why it does or doesn't happen or correctly. We're stumbling in the dark and trying to do everything else right and hoping for the best.
So archetype meditations, and reality meds -- or 'energy work' as there are many forms of that -- can address black-box problems, I already knew that. I just don't know "where to look."
Where do I find the connection between "here is a data point and/or session that obviously had a problem," and "the actual problem" so I can take my hammer and go pound on it?
And suddenly in a sort of blinding flash of the-obvious, I understood:
It's the data.
The data is the key. It's like the task-number-leading-to-the-problem.
Right now, we set an 'intent' as tasking and describe it as a session. How much more black box can you get than that? Yet we have no trouble following that intent, whether it's task# or something else we just address ourselves to.
Do I want to work on "what energies or energetic relationships caused distortion" in a given data point of a session? What kind of rocket science makes that hard to figure out? The answer is: specifically address yourself to the issues that caused distortion in that data point.
Not the entire target as an archetype which is how I'd been approaching it previously. Not only is that absolutely huge and complex compared to the surface data about one tiny aspect of something we are targeting, but it's also containing tons of energy that has nothing to do with whatever got messed up. It's like wanting to clean your house, and trying to accomplish this by cleaning up Chicago. It's overkill in a major way. The troubleshooting has got to be more specific.
The model IG gave was sorta similar to a reality-med, a form of energy work.
In my head, the way I perceived it (I'm sure a translation):
Each "data point" was the end-result of a "relationship". The 'relationship' was defined like a string.
Like a 4 foot long, 1 inch diameter, "cord of energy".
At one end is what I'd call the "core pattern": the energy of the target (which is part of us).
At the other end is what I'd call the "data point": the recorded end-result of that energy string.
The energy-string itself was in us, part of us. It is about our relationship to ourself.
I saw a gathering of strings, like thick cords of light for a bunch of floating balloons, but no balloons. Each string showed its "issues". Many looked just fine. But, some were stiff in places with a hard-angle kink to another direction. Some had knots or frays in them. Some had parts of them dirty and gummy-gunky. I understood that to function cleanly and clearly, they should all be clean all the way through, relaxed, not stiff, not angled or kinky, not knotted or frayed. Essentially, the energy of the target (which is of ourself; in my mental model, we 'locally replicate the non-local pattern' as how we 'get' target info) has to travel through us. It has to get through our body--the full energy body, not just the fully physical one in this focus-level--and there are often lots of things in the way, things that will block energy, shunt energy off, distort energy from slightly to completely, etc.
We would not know we had these issues, that we needed a little clean-up inside for better clarity, were it not for viewing. It shows us up close and personal exactly what kind of energetic clarity we have within ourselves. (Most session problems are process problems and none of that applies to this discussion and concept. It is core-experience-wrong that I am talking about.)
Every 'relationship point' that we create in a remote viewing session is a unique trail, a distinct energy string. If we are viewing a truck in two different targets, there will be some similarities in that string, but also differences. This would be the case even if it were the same truck, but to a lesser degree. And some of that energy is going to be present in other trails of completely different things, which have some overlap in concept, composition, dynamic, or something.
But if there is a specific energy that we "deal with" -- that we clean, unkink, unknot, etc. -- for one target, then we have dealt with that energy period. Any other target we get that has that particular energy involved, we are going to be clear with it. Of course, we may not be clear with the rest of what's involved in an 'energy string' even of similar data, but we will at least have addressed some of it with the first session, and the results are cumulative.
The cool thing was I had no impression of this requiring a lot of time or effort. In fact it seemed really easy and obvious, like this is right on the surface. All you have to do when finishing the feedback part of viewing, is ask for all the energy points where distortion happened, and take those strings and pull them into your body and imagine cleaning them and healing them etc.
I had a sense this quick and simple little approach could be used during viewing and after viewing (before session submission), as well.
My friend pointed out that you could build a mental tool to deal with this automatically. I imagined a star-trek-like teleporter pad, where the energy is holding something in stasis, and that something is an energy-cord. Either lots of pads (1 for each string that had issues) or just 1 that was 'cumulatively representative' of all of them, like with archetype work. You press something on a panel and the energy is re-arranged at the sub-atomic level to be clean and perfect.
I don't know exactly how I'm going to implement this yet but I definitely am. Actually I'm having a hard time not diving into viewing immediately in my enthusiasm but I'm supposed to be on an archmed series until end of year. Maybe I should quit being such an extremist and do a little more mix of things.
Anyway, in the end, the answer was blindingly simple: we have a glowing arrow to exactly what problem(s) we have in viewing, in the form of the data or session that is or has a problem. If I'm looking for the door to open to "deal with" something, there it is.
The only problem I'm having is understanding why this is an epiphany; why it isn't just so simple it's obvious.
.
This morning me and my best friend were having a discussion about viewing -- which we do regularly of course. I don't even remember all the talk, but I remember what I was thinking about afterward. Mostly, it came down to this:
Why? When we get the totally wrong target, why? When we clearly perceive specific data, and it turns out to be wrong, why?
I don't care about data you screw up on your own, which is the majority of problem data frankly. I don't care about poor contact or process issues. All of those are visible at feedback, and you can learn from feedback, and that is a sport-skill. No, I am talking about when a viewer has good contact, has a clear experience, and yet that is not about the target intended. In that instance feedback is useless, is more harm than help to likely psi experience, and we don't learn anything except not to trust ourselves.
Everybody has this in RV; nobody is exempt. Everybody seems to accept that's the way it is. Even in the professional lab, viewers will include 'getting the correct target to start with' as a separate statistic; one may say, "I'm on target about 68% of the time, but when I am, about 92% of my data is accurate." Everybody accepts that some portion of the time, a viewer has a perfectly clear piece of data that is totally wrong, or even an entire clear session that is totally wrong.
Nobody has a clue what to do about it. There are all kinds of things people come up with to try and combat this, from the target selection, to tasking, to session cool-down, warm-up, session methodologies, feedback rituals, you name it. Most things 'initially' seem to help but eventually it's the same accuracy % as usual. As an entire field we are just stuck: sometimes we suck and we have no idea how to fix it. The only consolation is that everybody does, to varying degrees; the only thing consistent about RV is its inconsistency.
I accept that this is the case. But I can't let it go. I want to know, why?
As I blogged previously (and those posts should be read before this one: first Aspect RV and then Archetype RV), off and on I have worked on my own approaches to viewing. Some of this is because spontaneous experience has made me more interested in the "session dynamics and experience" than most people are. In other words, most viewing is only about accurate data. I care about that, but to me the overall process is a point of fascination that I like to explore. Sometimes that helps me with data, such as Aspect RV; sometimes it tends to distract me from the data, such as with Archetype RV.
I was in the kitchen this morning making my kid a blueberry coconut pancake. As I'd mixed in the blueberry muffin crumbles from the hilariously failed muffins of the night before, the batter was crazy thick, so I sat down in a chair waiting for it to cook for a long while, and thought about it more.
If I only knew where to look, I griped to myself. I mean, let's say that I have some distortion in energy which causes me to not-perceive, or wrongly-perceive, Data X in Target Y. Fine, but how do I know what to work on, to directly address that distortion, if that's what the problem is? And what about when a whole session is on a seemingly wrong-target? Is that a distortion too? Where does a person LOOK for "what energies to address" in an archetype meditation, for example, to try and meet RV problems head-on and proactively work them out?
Using "the target" in general didn't work. I had tried addressing "the viewer's relationship with the target" in my Archetype RV. While I didn't give up the gut-feeling that this was generally the right road, still, that obviously was not the answer, and I was not planning to take up that same experiment in my next viewing cycle.
I pondered the problem. Then I pondered the solution: I have tools for working on stuff, after all.
I can build "mental tools" in my head, such as Richard Bandler talks about in NLP and which I assume most of us do a little bit automatically anyway. If I know that problem-Z is occurring, I can build a tool to help, for example. I can use my energy tools, such as reality-meds and arch-meds, to deal with things I know are problems. If there's issue X, I can work on that outside of RV to try and improve myself.
In short, I have a hammer. The problem is, I don't know where to find the bloody nail!
Sure, maybe "strong enough intent" would fix it but that isn't dealing with the problem I feel--that is strong-arming the solution 'through' the problem in that single instance. You still have the problem intact and it's just as likely to ruin some other session that didn't have some overwhelmingly powerful 'intent-assistance' factor instead.
What good are tools if you can't use them? If you don't even know where to look to find the real problem?
"IG," I half-whined at her, "Can you help me with this? Can you help me understand what is going wrong? Or maybe help me understand what I can work on to improve it?"
I had a clear sense of assent from her, and then a ROTE, as Bob Monroe described it -- a 'thoughtball' -- hit me and unfurled. This was multi-level conceptual and contains a bit of stuff, so it takes a bit of explaining.
But at the moment it unrolled in me, my first thought was:
Holy cats! That's so obvious! That's so perfect! That might work!
and my second thought was,
Why the hell didn't I think of this before?!
The first part of the thoughtball was like a "concept-relationship" and almost seemed as much like math-and-logic as it did anything else. It's difficult even to articulate in English but let me try. I used to troubleshoot manufacturing line and related process-flow issues, so I think for me it's easiest to put it into that context.
Let's say you have a goal and intent and plan and raw materials: you're going to build a bunch of somethings. And, you have a process for building these somethings --a manufacturing process --on one side of an equation. And then you have an output --that manufacturing result --on the other side.
Somewhere in the middle, you have got some obvious problems. Something is failing in your process. You're ending up with some products perfect, some products deformed, and some products that go in with the intent of being metal widgets and come out as stuffed animals. What the hell?! You must have several things going wrong somewhere in the middle! It's inconsistent, and nobody is sure what is going wrong, so you immediately start to troubleshoot.
But it's black-box, to use a software term. You cannot SEE the actual manufacturing process for some reason.
Well, that is an analogy to the issue that Remote Viewing has. There is a portion of our process which is black-box, which we neither know nor understand. People get target contact or they don't. While a myriad of factors can lean on helping or hurting that situation, still nobody knows why it does or doesn't happen or correctly. We're stumbling in the dark and trying to do everything else right and hoping for the best.
So archetype meditations, and reality meds -- or 'energy work' as there are many forms of that -- can address black-box problems, I already knew that. I just don't know "where to look."
Where do I find the connection between "here is a data point and/or session that obviously had a problem," and "the actual problem" so I can take my hammer and go pound on it?
And suddenly in a sort of blinding flash of the-obvious, I understood:
It's the data.
The data is the key. It's like the task-number-leading-to-the-problem.
Right now, we set an 'intent' as tasking and describe it as a session. How much more black box can you get than that? Yet we have no trouble following that intent, whether it's task# or something else we just address ourselves to.
Do I want to work on "what energies or energetic relationships caused distortion" in a given data point of a session? What kind of rocket science makes that hard to figure out? The answer is: specifically address yourself to the issues that caused distortion in that data point.
Not the entire target as an archetype which is how I'd been approaching it previously. Not only is that absolutely huge and complex compared to the surface data about one tiny aspect of something we are targeting, but it's also containing tons of energy that has nothing to do with whatever got messed up. It's like wanting to clean your house, and trying to accomplish this by cleaning up Chicago. It's overkill in a major way. The troubleshooting has got to be more specific.
The model IG gave was sorta similar to a reality-med, a form of energy work.
In my head, the way I perceived it (I'm sure a translation):
Each "data point" was the end-result of a "relationship". The 'relationship' was defined like a string.
Like a 4 foot long, 1 inch diameter, "cord of energy".
At one end is what I'd call the "core pattern": the energy of the target (which is part of us).
At the other end is what I'd call the "data point": the recorded end-result of that energy string.
The energy-string itself was in us, part of us. It is about our relationship to ourself.
I saw a gathering of strings, like thick cords of light for a bunch of floating balloons, but no balloons. Each string showed its "issues". Many looked just fine. But, some were stiff in places with a hard-angle kink to another direction. Some had knots or frays in them. Some had parts of them dirty and gummy-gunky. I understood that to function cleanly and clearly, they should all be clean all the way through, relaxed, not stiff, not angled or kinky, not knotted or frayed. Essentially, the energy of the target (which is of ourself; in my mental model, we 'locally replicate the non-local pattern' as how we 'get' target info) has to travel through us. It has to get through our body--the full energy body, not just the fully physical one in this focus-level--and there are often lots of things in the way, things that will block energy, shunt energy off, distort energy from slightly to completely, etc.
We would not know we had these issues, that we needed a little clean-up inside for better clarity, were it not for viewing. It shows us up close and personal exactly what kind of energetic clarity we have within ourselves. (Most session problems are process problems and none of that applies to this discussion and concept. It is core-experience-wrong that I am talking about.)
Every 'relationship point' that we create in a remote viewing session is a unique trail, a distinct energy string. If we are viewing a truck in two different targets, there will be some similarities in that string, but also differences. This would be the case even if it were the same truck, but to a lesser degree. And some of that energy is going to be present in other trails of completely different things, which have some overlap in concept, composition, dynamic, or something.
But if there is a specific energy that we "deal with" -- that we clean, unkink, unknot, etc. -- for one target, then we have dealt with that energy period. Any other target we get that has that particular energy involved, we are going to be clear with it. Of course, we may not be clear with the rest of what's involved in an 'energy string' even of similar data, but we will at least have addressed some of it with the first session, and the results are cumulative.
The cool thing was I had no impression of this requiring a lot of time or effort. In fact it seemed really easy and obvious, like this is right on the surface. All you have to do when finishing the feedback part of viewing, is ask for all the energy points where distortion happened, and take those strings and pull them into your body and imagine cleaning them and healing them etc.
I had a sense this quick and simple little approach could be used during viewing and after viewing (before session submission), as well.
My friend pointed out that you could build a mental tool to deal with this automatically. I imagined a star-trek-like teleporter pad, where the energy is holding something in stasis, and that something is an energy-cord. Either lots of pads (1 for each string that had issues) or just 1 that was 'cumulatively representative' of all of them, like with archetype work. You press something on a panel and the energy is re-arranged at the sub-atomic level to be clean and perfect.
I don't know exactly how I'm going to implement this yet but I definitely am. Actually I'm having a hard time not diving into viewing immediately in my enthusiasm but I'm supposed to be on an archmed series until end of year. Maybe I should quit being such an extremist and do a little more mix of things.
Anyway, in the end, the answer was blindingly simple: we have a glowing arrow to exactly what problem(s) we have in viewing, in the form of the data or session that is or has a problem. If I'm looking for the door to open to "deal with" something, there it is.
The only problem I'm having is understanding why this is an epiphany; why it isn't just so simple it's obvious.
.
Archetype RV (Remote Viewing)
Prior to this article, it's best to read the previous Aspect RV post.
So as 'Aspect RV' settled into my psyche over time (or my psiche, as I call it, since psi is heavily involved here too), I began to realize that not only could I interact with 'myself' during viewing, but that the target itself seemed to interact with me.
At first I didn't know what was going on. I would start a session and get a flash of something bizarre, like: I'm in a tiny dark stone room and there is a big sarcophagus and brilliant gold light is shining out of it but I tune in just at the INSTANT a huge heavy stone lid is slamming down and shutting out the light. WTF?? I knew it wasn't part of the target, and I suspected it was information about the session or my contact (so... that wouldn't be a good sign, in this case...) Or I'd be in the middle of a session and I'd see a person, like an 'Aspect' -- but they would run in a room and slam the door. WTF?? This began happening more often as time went on. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know why it was happening. In the Official Doctrine of Methods, the data does not act out and talk to you. It's considered "inert information" that you "passively wait for". Yet my data was not remotely inert, and it seemed to want me to be proactively interacting with it.
So one day I was in a session and I 'found myself' on a street I sensed, and there was an Aspect, a woman standing in the sky above me, her feet a couple feet above my head. She leaned down to me and held out a pair of eyeglasses. Determined to do something proactive this time, I leaned up and took them, and then I put them on. Suddenly I found myself rushing through space, at enormous speeds as stars flashed past me, going toward some ball. I can't remember the target now -- it was a planet or moon -- but the point was, the "experiential" nature of that data was SO intense, and the data itself definitely did seem on target, that I began to think maybe this 'interact with the data' was an idea worth trying.
After awhile of "off and on" working in that model, I started thinking a whole LOT about the two main problems in RV: inaccurate target acquisition (good sessions that aren't on the proper target apparently) and inaccurate data (I don't mean data you mess up between 'experience' and 'paper', I mean data you get clearly, but that is clearly wrong, you see later). What is going wrong in those cases? It is not a case of not being psychic; I believe both of those *are* psychic--but about "the wrong thing" somehow. It is true that a powerful intent or related issues CAN overcome problems in RV and improve success, however, I think that is more like something that is just 'overriding' whatever the real problem is. I don't think we have a clue what the real problem is.
I started thinking about archetype meditations. The idea there is that there is you, and there is something else, and "interacting with the archetype" amounts to "resolving the energies" between you. I had the powerful gut feeling that this wrong-target/wrong-data amounted to some kind of "disturbed energy" that the person themselves had, that was causing some kind of distortion in the end-result of their actions. Something deep. It wasn't something done at the conscious level, I believed that. Yet it did relate to the viewer and not any cosmic thing outside them. So it had to be something 'fundamental'.
This feeling was so strong in me I couldn't let it go. I decided to experiment: I would see if doing an archetype meditation on "the target" could in some way clear up "any energy pattern problems, blockages, skewings, etc." I might have.
The problem was that first off, doing that work really took awhile before I ever got to the session. I would end up with an archmed and then 5 minutes of session, which was unworkable. Worse, often the archmed, while intriguingly experiential, would just barely if at all relate to the 'literal' target -- and that's not unusual, but terribly distracting for RV's purpose. I worked various approaches to this, only to gradually and sadly conclude that it did not seem to improve RV and only seemed to cause problems. Although sometimes it worked, too many times it didn't or worse, it either didn't or it distracted me so I didn't even get to the viewing, but neither situation bothered me because emotionally, the archmed meant more to me than the data. So then RV literally had 'competition' instead of help.
There are some elements of the archetype RV work that I will probably keep. I ask my Inner Guide to 'weave me and the target together' before it, and deweave us AFTER I have feedback, so the 'target' can be with me (an attempt at rapport) as I am getting feedback. At worst this is just better for understanding, and at best this has had some amazing occasions, like when the target itself appeared to be sentient and perceiving me and my feedback experience (like viewing-in-reverse) (Ganymede did this). But that is it. The whole archetypal process, I feel is counter-productive to the RV session and focus.
But the dilemma remained: I still felt strongly that my core gut-feeling was correct: that inaccurate target acquisition and inaccurate data (clear experiences which did not match intended target) were some kind of energy distortion maybe between the viewer and that target, or just the viewer period, who knows. So ok, maybe 'archetype meditations' -- normally a process to resolve problem energies -- were not the solution; because really, RV does not care about the fuller, deeper target. It just wants the bleepin data. Anything beyond that, unless it almost ensures that, is a distraction.
So when I left my last viewing cycle, I was in limbo. I want to experiment: I don't want to just accept that "when it's right it's right" and ignore that it's wrong sometimes; I want to understand WHY it's wrong. I want to fix that or at least greatly reduce its frequency.
Not that my viewing's any worse than anybody else's; percentage of target contact seems better than average if anything (and there's no brag in that because this is one of those things we appear to be helpless about, says science anyway; we get what we get). But my personality is not well suited to just accepting that a percentage of the time things go horribly wrong somewhere, and everyone just thinks that's the way it is and nobody has a clue what to do about it. People invent all kinds of tasker-dances and feedback-jigs and cool-down approaches and methodology steps and more, trying for anything that might improve accuracy or reduce inaccuracy, but the reality is, after initial 'change'-related seeming-success everything pans out to the same accuracy rate as always.
My whole career has been varying degrees and approaches to "troubleshooting". My whole personality is geared to looking for stuff like that, understanding it, and fixing it. So that my primary interest in life is nearly overwhelmed with a major problem(s) of no explanation and nobody's doing jack about it, drives me crazy!
So that's where I left things.
This morning after a talk about RV I had an insight that relates a bit to the combination of Aspect RV and Archetype RV, but I'll put that in a separate post.
.
So as 'Aspect RV' settled into my psyche over time (or my psiche, as I call it, since psi is heavily involved here too), I began to realize that not only could I interact with 'myself' during viewing, but that the target itself seemed to interact with me.
At first I didn't know what was going on. I would start a session and get a flash of something bizarre, like: I'm in a tiny dark stone room and there is a big sarcophagus and brilliant gold light is shining out of it but I tune in just at the INSTANT a huge heavy stone lid is slamming down and shutting out the light. WTF?? I knew it wasn't part of the target, and I suspected it was information about the session or my contact (so... that wouldn't be a good sign, in this case...) Or I'd be in the middle of a session and I'd see a person, like an 'Aspect' -- but they would run in a room and slam the door. WTF?? This began happening more often as time went on. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know why it was happening. In the Official Doctrine of Methods, the data does not act out and talk to you. It's considered "inert information" that you "passively wait for". Yet my data was not remotely inert, and it seemed to want me to be proactively interacting with it.
So one day I was in a session and I 'found myself' on a street I sensed, and there was an Aspect, a woman standing in the sky above me, her feet a couple feet above my head. She leaned down to me and held out a pair of eyeglasses. Determined to do something proactive this time, I leaned up and took them, and then I put them on. Suddenly I found myself rushing through space, at enormous speeds as stars flashed past me, going toward some ball. I can't remember the target now -- it was a planet or moon -- but the point was, the "experiential" nature of that data was SO intense, and the data itself definitely did seem on target, that I began to think maybe this 'interact with the data' was an idea worth trying.
After awhile of "off and on" working in that model, I started thinking a whole LOT about the two main problems in RV: inaccurate target acquisition (good sessions that aren't on the proper target apparently) and inaccurate data (I don't mean data you mess up between 'experience' and 'paper', I mean data you get clearly, but that is clearly wrong, you see later). What is going wrong in those cases? It is not a case of not being psychic; I believe both of those *are* psychic--but about "the wrong thing" somehow. It is true that a powerful intent or related issues CAN overcome problems in RV and improve success, however, I think that is more like something that is just 'overriding' whatever the real problem is. I don't think we have a clue what the real problem is.
I started thinking about archetype meditations. The idea there is that there is you, and there is something else, and "interacting with the archetype" amounts to "resolving the energies" between you. I had the powerful gut feeling that this wrong-target/wrong-data amounted to some kind of "disturbed energy" that the person themselves had, that was causing some kind of distortion in the end-result of their actions. Something deep. It wasn't something done at the conscious level, I believed that. Yet it did relate to the viewer and not any cosmic thing outside them. So it had to be something 'fundamental'.
This feeling was so strong in me I couldn't let it go. I decided to experiment: I would see if doing an archetype meditation on "the target" could in some way clear up "any energy pattern problems, blockages, skewings, etc." I might have.
The problem was that first off, doing that work really took awhile before I ever got to the session. I would end up with an archmed and then 5 minutes of session, which was unworkable. Worse, often the archmed, while intriguingly experiential, would just barely if at all relate to the 'literal' target -- and that's not unusual, but terribly distracting for RV's purpose. I worked various approaches to this, only to gradually and sadly conclude that it did not seem to improve RV and only seemed to cause problems. Although sometimes it worked, too many times it didn't or worse, it either didn't or it distracted me so I didn't even get to the viewing, but neither situation bothered me because emotionally, the archmed meant more to me than the data. So then RV literally had 'competition' instead of help.
There are some elements of the archetype RV work that I will probably keep. I ask my Inner Guide to 'weave me and the target together' before it, and deweave us AFTER I have feedback, so the 'target' can be with me (an attempt at rapport) as I am getting feedback. At worst this is just better for understanding, and at best this has had some amazing occasions, like when the target itself appeared to be sentient and perceiving me and my feedback experience (like viewing-in-reverse) (Ganymede did this). But that is it. The whole archetypal process, I feel is counter-productive to the RV session and focus.
But the dilemma remained: I still felt strongly that my core gut-feeling was correct: that inaccurate target acquisition and inaccurate data (clear experiences which did not match intended target) were some kind of energy distortion maybe between the viewer and that target, or just the viewer period, who knows. So ok, maybe 'archetype meditations' -- normally a process to resolve problem energies -- were not the solution; because really, RV does not care about the fuller, deeper target. It just wants the bleepin data. Anything beyond that, unless it almost ensures that, is a distraction.
So when I left my last viewing cycle, I was in limbo. I want to experiment: I don't want to just accept that "when it's right it's right" and ignore that it's wrong sometimes; I want to understand WHY it's wrong. I want to fix that or at least greatly reduce its frequency.
Not that my viewing's any worse than anybody else's; percentage of target contact seems better than average if anything (and there's no brag in that because this is one of those things we appear to be helpless about, says science anyway; we get what we get). But my personality is not well suited to just accepting that a percentage of the time things go horribly wrong somewhere, and everyone just thinks that's the way it is and nobody has a clue what to do about it. People invent all kinds of tasker-dances and feedback-jigs and cool-down approaches and methodology steps and more, trying for anything that might improve accuracy or reduce inaccuracy, but the reality is, after initial 'change'-related seeming-success everything pans out to the same accuracy rate as always.
My whole career has been varying degrees and approaches to "troubleshooting". My whole personality is geared to looking for stuff like that, understanding it, and fixing it. So that my primary interest in life is nearly overwhelmed with a major problem(s) of no explanation and nobody's doing jack about it, drives me crazy!
So that's where I left things.
This morning after a talk about RV I had an insight that relates a bit to the combination of Aspect RV and Archetype RV, but I'll put that in a separate post.
.
Aspect RV ( Remote Viewing )
Back around early Fall of 1998 -- holy cow! Ten years ago exactly -- when I was still very ignorant about RV (that is to say, I was a walking encyclopedia about what the expert selling training in the field taught, which is nothing like my models and understanding of things now...) I had a rather unusual experience.
I was in the middle of an RV session when I momentarily 'spaced out' and then suddenly realized that I could hear/feel a whole big group of people talking, arguing together -- inside me. They were all me. All part of me.
This came as other "spontaneous psi" tends to come to me -- a certain category of it, anyway -- where I realize that I am seeing or hearing something but
(a) somewhat after it's already been going on, and
(b) it is not really coming through my eyes/ears though I interpret it that way, and
(c) although I call it 'seeing' or 'hearing' there is actually a lot of other kinds of information coming through, a more wholistic 'understanding', than the physical sense would have. Much like in a dream, I may know past, future, relationships, situations, 'potentials', and more, related to what I'm perceiving.
In pure astonishment, I observed this group. It was a large group of people, all separate identities, and yet I understood that they were all "part of what makes up the energy I think of as me". (I wonder, while writing this, if this is like the consortium, and maybe other groupings-of-self as well.) They were having a debate.
The debate was about a piece of data -- of energy -- for my RV session. They were debating "who got to give it to me." There was the understanding that whomever gave it to me, there was some other things involved. They were 'touching my attention' and so were getting some energy from me when that happened. They were 'expressing through me' and so were getting to express/vent some of their own energy. There was a huge sense of "political competition" between them in vying for this. We were all part of the "larger entity".
I clearly sensed male and female all over. One man was insisting that he should do it because he is usually the one who does it and I expect that. Another man was insisting that no, HE should do it because he is far more expert on this particular kind of energy (of the target data). A woman was emotionally insisting -- sounding very upset -- that she should get to do it because she almost never got to do anything with me and she really needed to. I had the clear understanding at that moment that if she were the one to give me the energy, it would be completely wrong in my world. Her "need to express" means her "translation" of that energy and her "presentation" of that energy would come through to me hugely affected by--carrying--that emotional energy that she so needed to communicate and express. I realized that I definitely did not want her giving me RV data, but also, that this was some part of myself that (in ordinary life) I unfairly ignore, repress, etc. It occurred to me that when we say things like, "... and I got to express a part of me that really needed an outlet when I took up painting" or whatever, that this might be far more literal than we realize.
The experience ended. I was baffled, and I thought about this for quite awhile. I did not attribute this to session data -- I did not doubt it -- I felt implicitly this was something real and merely an 'insight' into a degree of 'internal affairs' that I had never had before.
On thinking one night, later, about how it was like social-politics, my brain made an association: Jane Roberts had a book called "PSYCHIC POLITICS." I didn't remember if I'd read it or what it was about but certainly the Seth work touched on "Aspects" and that's what this felt like.
I hunted it down and sat down to read. It amounted to the same concept/theory. That we think of ourselves as a single entity but really we are an enormously complex, "conglomerate" blend of identities operating under a single face/body/focus. That our "surface personality" is a custom and varying %/ratio of various individual identity/focuses, ever-shifting, but with common patterns. And that those inner identities work with each other -- just like people do -- and a great deal of social politics and competition and so on was involved.
I had another experience or two with the 'perception' of the 'psychic politics' inside me, later. I might have had more, but I was so emotionally enraged about the remote viewing field and my experiences with people at that point, that I really couldn't view; even thinking of the term "RV" made my stomach hurt and made me angry and dark. So I didn't explore this much during the era when I seemed most likely to perceive that dynamic.
Many years later, I came up with an approach during RV that I called "Aspect RV." My theory was that first, if there were some aspects better qualified than others to be the ones handing me the data, I wanted to call those. But since they apparently specialized in different kinds of energy, then I wanted to call the one appropriate. But if I was doubleblind, I didn't know. So instead, I would call to parts of me -- custom created by some mix of identity-energies for my call, I was sure -- and ask it what it thought or got from the target, and then go to another. So for example, I would ask the architect, priest, CEO, songwriter, mother, policeman, rock star, etc. and it was just fascinating. It did seem to be the case that if the target were a building or 'construction' for example, that I'd be more likely to get data from an aspect geared to that. But they wouldn't give me emotional, conceptual stuff, so I'd ask for a different aspect for that. Since I knew the framework of what I was asking for, I could compare the data of say, a songwriter and architect, policeman and priest, and consider that data 'from the vantage point of' that kind of energy.
Eventually I opened it more and would say, "who volunteers to give me info?" and I would get a lot of "hands in the air" sense. I would pick one, and insist that they give me a name or I would give them a name based on how I sensed their energy -- that way, in the future, if I wanted to ask for this particular blend of aspect-energy, I could do so. (This usually came out to some silly name, like 'people-girl' or 'bouncy-blue'.) Then I would get data from them. On feedback, I would know how well they had done (or not).
So if they wanted my attention again in the future, they needed to be as accurate-for-my-reality in their presentation of that to me as possible.
You might say that I used remote viewing to introduce a "free market" to my inner conglomerate. :-) Now there was competition with market-driven result!
Eventually I realized that my aspect requests could be anything. I could request the aspects best for that target (though my results with that were not as good as I hoped frankly), or I could request MY aspect of 'abraham lincoln' and get energy about the target "through that perspective". If I sensed a target related to war or military, I could ask for "my aspect of General MacArthur" or whatever, trusting that this unique combination of energies inside me would be well suited to describing the target. (You might ask, how those inner energies know what combination to provide to best mirror MacArthur? 'Cause everything IS and they're psychic, of course! ;-))
"How" I got info seemed to depend on the aspect. For example, many of them would "act out" energy like charades, while another might give me a visual or conceptual of something. I gradually came to suspect that this was a matter of what they could provide directly based on their own energetic pattern. When they couldn't, I got charades, or analogies. When they could, I would actually see or hear or experience the target in some fashion. And some might be able to get something like say, kinesthetics, but not some other aspect. I had one aspect that I called black-humor-me that felt distinctly... alien. It was fascinating yet deeply disturbing. When I got data from that source, I felt specifically not-human. I thought of humans as "other".
I started seriously wondering if the seemingly random nature of the type of data I get and the way it comes through -- both total variables -- were actually due to the combination of the target detail and the aspect of me that was bringing this through to me. In other words, that even if the target energy or pattern or whatever was clear in me at some very core point, that the process of getting it "through my body and to my mind" seemed to be going "through" a whole group of aspects, all of whom competed to be the one to that have that communication with the surface-me and that expression of their own energy as part of it. The variety of the aspects combined with the variety of elements in a target, resulted in the process -- what data came, or didn't, how it came, whether it connected to other data, etc. -- seeming to be bewilderingly random, on my surface.
But it wasn't really random, I realized; it was merely uncontrolled. This made me laugh, because the term 'controlled' remote viewing is actually a descriptive phrase that applies to the session process (it's also used as a method-label, but in english terms it is more than that). But it definitely has never been used to relate to "controlling the myriad identities inside you that translate information for you", and the theory itself is about as far-out as they come I suppose.
I've talked about this (Aspect RV) off and on over the last six years online. I've experimented with it off and on. I have had very good results with it, but it's one of those subjects that is actually so complex that I feel like I'd need to experiment for the next century to really have a clue what's going on.
I have resisted it fiercely in cycles because I struggle to "keep things simple" in RV, which in many respects is just so important -- that things be as 'clean' as possible. Usually when someone has a theory about almost anything, it is just adding complexity that makes things less clear not more. But no matter what my intellectual self thought about it, the experience of "being a conglomerate of identities" happens -- in a thousand different ways actually -- regardless.
I had an epiphany today. But it relates to Aspect RV and Archetype RV and Archetype Meditations and so I have to document those things first as edu, and THEN talk about this morning's insight.
.
I was in the middle of an RV session when I momentarily 'spaced out' and then suddenly realized that I could hear/feel a whole big group of people talking, arguing together -- inside me. They were all me. All part of me.
This came as other "spontaneous psi" tends to come to me -- a certain category of it, anyway -- where I realize that I am seeing or hearing something but
(a) somewhat after it's already been going on, and
(b) it is not really coming through my eyes/ears though I interpret it that way, and
(c) although I call it 'seeing' or 'hearing' there is actually a lot of other kinds of information coming through, a more wholistic 'understanding', than the physical sense would have. Much like in a dream, I may know past, future, relationships, situations, 'potentials', and more, related to what I'm perceiving.
In pure astonishment, I observed this group. It was a large group of people, all separate identities, and yet I understood that they were all "part of what makes up the energy I think of as me". (I wonder, while writing this, if this is like the consortium, and maybe other groupings-of-self as well.) They were having a debate.
The debate was about a piece of data -- of energy -- for my RV session. They were debating "who got to give it to me." There was the understanding that whomever gave it to me, there was some other things involved. They were 'touching my attention' and so were getting some energy from me when that happened. They were 'expressing through me' and so were getting to express/vent some of their own energy. There was a huge sense of "political competition" between them in vying for this. We were all part of the "larger entity".
I clearly sensed male and female all over. One man was insisting that he should do it because he is usually the one who does it and I expect that. Another man was insisting that no, HE should do it because he is far more expert on this particular kind of energy (of the target data). A woman was emotionally insisting -- sounding very upset -- that she should get to do it because she almost never got to do anything with me and she really needed to. I had the clear understanding at that moment that if she were the one to give me the energy, it would be completely wrong in my world. Her "need to express" means her "translation" of that energy and her "presentation" of that energy would come through to me hugely affected by--carrying--that emotional energy that she so needed to communicate and express. I realized that I definitely did not want her giving me RV data, but also, that this was some part of myself that (in ordinary life) I unfairly ignore, repress, etc. It occurred to me that when we say things like, "... and I got to express a part of me that really needed an outlet when I took up painting" or whatever, that this might be far more literal than we realize.
The experience ended. I was baffled, and I thought about this for quite awhile. I did not attribute this to session data -- I did not doubt it -- I felt implicitly this was something real and merely an 'insight' into a degree of 'internal affairs' that I had never had before.
On thinking one night, later, about how it was like social-politics, my brain made an association: Jane Roberts had a book called "PSYCHIC POLITICS." I didn't remember if I'd read it or what it was about but certainly the Seth work touched on "Aspects" and that's what this felt like.
I hunted it down and sat down to read. It amounted to the same concept/theory. That we think of ourselves as a single entity but really we are an enormously complex, "conglomerate" blend of identities operating under a single face/body/focus. That our "surface personality" is a custom and varying %/ratio of various individual identity/focuses, ever-shifting, but with common patterns. And that those inner identities work with each other -- just like people do -- and a great deal of social politics and competition and so on was involved.
I had another experience or two with the 'perception' of the 'psychic politics' inside me, later. I might have had more, but I was so emotionally enraged about the remote viewing field and my experiences with people at that point, that I really couldn't view; even thinking of the term "RV" made my stomach hurt and made me angry and dark. So I didn't explore this much during the era when I seemed most likely to perceive that dynamic.
Many years later, I came up with an approach during RV that I called "Aspect RV." My theory was that first, if there were some aspects better qualified than others to be the ones handing me the data, I wanted to call those. But since they apparently specialized in different kinds of energy, then I wanted to call the one appropriate. But if I was doubleblind, I didn't know. So instead, I would call to parts of me -- custom created by some mix of identity-energies for my call, I was sure -- and ask it what it thought or got from the target, and then go to another. So for example, I would ask the architect, priest, CEO, songwriter, mother, policeman, rock star, etc. and it was just fascinating. It did seem to be the case that if the target were a building or 'construction' for example, that I'd be more likely to get data from an aspect geared to that. But they wouldn't give me emotional, conceptual stuff, so I'd ask for a different aspect for that. Since I knew the framework of what I was asking for, I could compare the data of say, a songwriter and architect, policeman and priest, and consider that data 'from the vantage point of' that kind of energy.
Eventually I opened it more and would say, "who volunteers to give me info?" and I would get a lot of "hands in the air" sense. I would pick one, and insist that they give me a name or I would give them a name based on how I sensed their energy -- that way, in the future, if I wanted to ask for this particular blend of aspect-energy, I could do so. (This usually came out to some silly name, like 'people-girl' or 'bouncy-blue'.) Then I would get data from them. On feedback, I would know how well they had done (or not).
So if they wanted my attention again in the future, they needed to be as accurate-for-my-reality in their presentation of that to me as possible.
You might say that I used remote viewing to introduce a "free market" to my inner conglomerate. :-) Now there was competition with market-driven result!
Eventually I realized that my aspect requests could be anything. I could request the aspects best for that target (though my results with that were not as good as I hoped frankly), or I could request MY aspect of 'abraham lincoln' and get energy about the target "through that perspective". If I sensed a target related to war or military, I could ask for "my aspect of General MacArthur" or whatever, trusting that this unique combination of energies inside me would be well suited to describing the target. (You might ask, how those inner energies know what combination to provide to best mirror MacArthur? 'Cause everything IS and they're psychic, of course! ;-))
"How" I got info seemed to depend on the aspect. For example, many of them would "act out" energy like charades, while another might give me a visual or conceptual of something. I gradually came to suspect that this was a matter of what they could provide directly based on their own energetic pattern. When they couldn't, I got charades, or analogies. When they could, I would actually see or hear or experience the target in some fashion. And some might be able to get something like say, kinesthetics, but not some other aspect. I had one aspect that I called black-humor-me that felt distinctly... alien. It was fascinating yet deeply disturbing. When I got data from that source, I felt specifically not-human. I thought of humans as "other".
I started seriously wondering if the seemingly random nature of the type of data I get and the way it comes through -- both total variables -- were actually due to the combination of the target detail and the aspect of me that was bringing this through to me. In other words, that even if the target energy or pattern or whatever was clear in me at some very core point, that the process of getting it "through my body and to my mind" seemed to be going "through" a whole group of aspects, all of whom competed to be the one to that have that communication with the surface-me and that expression of their own energy as part of it. The variety of the aspects combined with the variety of elements in a target, resulted in the process -- what data came, or didn't, how it came, whether it connected to other data, etc. -- seeming to be bewilderingly random, on my surface.
But it wasn't really random, I realized; it was merely uncontrolled. This made me laugh, because the term 'controlled' remote viewing is actually a descriptive phrase that applies to the session process (it's also used as a method-label, but in english terms it is more than that). But it definitely has never been used to relate to "controlling the myriad identities inside you that translate information for you", and the theory itself is about as far-out as they come I suppose.
I've talked about this (Aspect RV) off and on over the last six years online. I've experimented with it off and on. I have had very good results with it, but it's one of those subjects that is actually so complex that I feel like I'd need to experiment for the next century to really have a clue what's going on.
I have resisted it fiercely in cycles because I struggle to "keep things simple" in RV, which in many respects is just so important -- that things be as 'clean' as possible. Usually when someone has a theory about almost anything, it is just adding complexity that makes things less clear not more. But no matter what my intellectual self thought about it, the experience of "being a conglomerate of identities" happens -- in a thousand different ways actually -- regardless.
I had an epiphany today. But it relates to Aspect RV and Archetype RV and Archetype Meditations and so I have to document those things first as edu, and THEN talk about this morning's insight.
.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Knight of Wands, part 2
My boyfriend and I talked about it. The previous meditation had been so hard. Moreso later, oddly enough; during the meditation it was horror and nausea. But hours later, in a brief prayer for more help, I found myself sobbing uncontrollably about it. It must have touched something raw.
I said I wished I could ask for ... fewer 'representatives'. Why couldn't quantity be represented by intensity, or complexity, or something like that, something more reasonable for me to deal with. It's happened before, after all. But I felt maybe it would be rude, since the numbers had been given me seemingly on purpose. My BF argued this. "Maybe the point was only to convey scope," he suggested, to paraphrase. I thought about this for awhile a bit later. Why not at least ASK what could be done to make it do-able? For that matter, why not do a pre-meditation stage where I went and asked for help from every source I could think of?
The last part's what sold me. I imagined The Four helping me. And my body techs. And my actual guides and the consortium and the indistinct but numerous guides I perceive shadowy on my plateau. And the GWBMAT I called last time. And a religious entity -- or ten. And all of my powerful archetypes. Come on, how could I not succeed with all that power behind me? With The Four I already feel I can do anything. With "everything" helping like that... what wouldn't be possible?
So I did it. I turned on my 'brain' playlist, which has a dozen bineural-tech selections, all voiceless mixes except one generic one; mostly Wave VI from HemiSync and a few from BrainSync. I gave it time while I did other things quietly, letting myself pick up the altered state.
Then I went through my inner space and asked for literally everybody one at a time, a group at a time. And IG added every planet in our solar system to the archetype mix (as well as moon) to help me. And eventually when I had nearly everybody I could think of, sans a few religious entities I didn't ask, I imagined that I was in the middle of the archetype working area and I started to imagine that I was centered and that they would all be around or behind me.
But the minute I was done and imagined myself centered, this unbelievable RUSH hit me, and I gasped out loud and my eyes flew open, and just as I was getting over that another wave of rush hit me, every hair on my body standing up and the buzzing all through me, then several more smaller but still fairly intense waves crashing into me one right after the other, and I could feel clearly that all of those energies were joining me, merging WITH me, all at once, though staggered in waves. When done I just sat blinking for a minute. I hadn't expected that.
I asked the man of the archetype if we could have fewer representatives. He vanished himself and all the beds vanished and then before me, four people appeared. Each one seemed to be significantly odd in some way, as if it were the summary of a certain kind of energy. I went to the one on the far right and 'began'.
Along with having a face a lot like a monkey, when I went around the back of the arch, it was hollowed out. It was missing in the most horrible way, as if burned out into a shell. So the front seemed ok but the back, in every part of the body, had been sort of hollowed out. I was reminded from a scene in a movie that marked me when I was a little girl, from 'The Hindenburg', where near the end there is this guy who seems ok and actually answers a question, then pitches forward and you realize that his whole back/torso has been burned out. I had the impression that this archetype had this quality but that the quality of each of these "pieces" of the arch would be significantly different.
Dealing with it was easier said than done, though I have no words to describe a certain intensity or depth that made it different than the surface description sums up.
Unfortunately by the time I reached that point I had been meditating awhile and had gotten so altered state and so heavy into it that I was starting to lose traction on the autonomy. I felt that my intent and many of the identities now part of me for the cause, were still driving it, despite that I would need to come back consciously and finish. I lost conscious control at some point and memory beyond that, although I feel some things happened later.
I'll go back. I think I can do this, and it will work out, though it is not easy to understate it. I am relieved to think it is possible. I had seriously questioned if it were even do-able for me. I think it is.
I said I wished I could ask for ... fewer 'representatives'. Why couldn't quantity be represented by intensity, or complexity, or something like that, something more reasonable for me to deal with. It's happened before, after all. But I felt maybe it would be rude, since the numbers had been given me seemingly on purpose. My BF argued this. "Maybe the point was only to convey scope," he suggested, to paraphrase. I thought about this for awhile a bit later. Why not at least ASK what could be done to make it do-able? For that matter, why not do a pre-meditation stage where I went and asked for help from every source I could think of?
The last part's what sold me. I imagined The Four helping me. And my body techs. And my actual guides and the consortium and the indistinct but numerous guides I perceive shadowy on my plateau. And the GWBMAT I called last time. And a religious entity -- or ten. And all of my powerful archetypes. Come on, how could I not succeed with all that power behind me? With The Four I already feel I can do anything. With "everything" helping like that... what wouldn't be possible?
So I did it. I turned on my 'brain' playlist, which has a dozen bineural-tech selections, all voiceless mixes except one generic one; mostly Wave VI from HemiSync and a few from BrainSync. I gave it time while I did other things quietly, letting myself pick up the altered state.
Then I went through my inner space and asked for literally everybody one at a time, a group at a time. And IG added every planet in our solar system to the archetype mix (as well as moon) to help me. And eventually when I had nearly everybody I could think of, sans a few religious entities I didn't ask, I imagined that I was in the middle of the archetype working area and I started to imagine that I was centered and that they would all be around or behind me.
But the minute I was done and imagined myself centered, this unbelievable RUSH hit me, and I gasped out loud and my eyes flew open, and just as I was getting over that another wave of rush hit me, every hair on my body standing up and the buzzing all through me, then several more smaller but still fairly intense waves crashing into me one right after the other, and I could feel clearly that all of those energies were joining me, merging WITH me, all at once, though staggered in waves. When done I just sat blinking for a minute. I hadn't expected that.
I asked the man of the archetype if we could have fewer representatives. He vanished himself and all the beds vanished and then before me, four people appeared. Each one seemed to be significantly odd in some way, as if it were the summary of a certain kind of energy. I went to the one on the far right and 'began'.
Along with having a face a lot like a monkey, when I went around the back of the arch, it was hollowed out. It was missing in the most horrible way, as if burned out into a shell. So the front seemed ok but the back, in every part of the body, had been sort of hollowed out. I was reminded from a scene in a movie that marked me when I was a little girl, from 'The Hindenburg', where near the end there is this guy who seems ok and actually answers a question, then pitches forward and you realize that his whole back/torso has been burned out. I had the impression that this archetype had this quality but that the quality of each of these "pieces" of the arch would be significantly different.
Dealing with it was easier said than done, though I have no words to describe a certain intensity or depth that made it different than the surface description sums up.
Unfortunately by the time I reached that point I had been meditating awhile and had gotten so altered state and so heavy into it that I was starting to lose traction on the autonomy. I felt that my intent and many of the identities now part of me for the cause, were still driving it, despite that I would need to come back consciously and finish. I lost conscious control at some point and memory beyond that, although I feel some things happened later.
I'll go back. I think I can do this, and it will work out, though it is not easy to understate it. I am relieved to think it is possible. I had seriously questioned if it were even do-able for me. I think it is.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Knight of Wands, part 1
I should have known it wouldn't be easy.
It has been days since I meditated. I tried a few times and fell asleep. And I didn't try more times than that. Some part of me inside has been freaking out about my losing the consistency of it when it seems to be working well. Some other part of me has been freaking out period and trying to avoid everything about the subject. I realize that there are parts of me that want to slow things down and adjust, but I don't really care. I WANT to work through some of this stuff, and I'm already too freakin old, I don't need to wait another year or ten of life before I deal with it. So last night, around more avoidance-evasion efforts than you would believe, I forced myself into meditation.
First I touched base with Bolehren, Taan and Nero.
Then I told IG that it was time: I wanted to work on the Knight of Wands archetype. I knew already from the tiniest exposure that somehow this was tied into my childhood and that I was likely to react physically to it, but I was ready.
It took a dozen attempts to bring my attention back before I could even partly see it. It was a bizarre chaos of visual collage. It was somehow huge and small, pink and black, there was blood and wounds, it was a monster, it was a cartoon, it was somehow a thousand things at once. I closed my inner eyes and just spent awhile imagining the 'rain of love' in a monsoon on us, and then the 'light of love', and then the 'wind of love' which blew off a lot of 'pieces' here and there, some that seemed to come from inside it, and then a sort of clear thick 'chemical of love' that first slightly numbed and then disinfected and then rinsed clean. It took awhile for all that (especially since my mind was frantically trying to escape to any possible universe that did not involve dealing with this).
Near the end of the chem rinsing I realized that for a few moments I had been seeing and looking at -- without consciously noticing -- something. It reminded me of sometimes when you get chakra visuals or sounds and you're oblivious to them and suddenly your awareness throws up a flag that your eyes are seeing one thing and your 'other eyes' are seeing something completely different. I suddenly paid attention again and realized everything had vanished to be replaced by two things: a man standing in front of me, and a really huge "hospital ward" filled with populated beds that started about a hundred yards back. Except although it was definitely a 'hospital ward' it was outside with us.
I looked at the man.
"How can I possibly heal all these people?" I asked him, feeling overwhelmed by the sheer quantity of them and the sense even from a distance that the wounds were grievous.
"Only you can do it," he observed with a shrug.
I walked over to the nearest bed. My body abreacted wildly and I forced my attention to stay there. On the bed was a person, I couldn't even tell gender. Their body was on its side. The torso was opened up with a perfectly round hole, and all their guts were sort of "formed" into a semi-stiff shape that stuck straight out of them, like all the intestines had been fashioned into a blunt club of sorts. I felt revulsion through my whole body and shuddered. I looked at the head, which was turned so the face was mostly face-up. The eyes were slightly filmed over and still. I felt sick and nauseated. I backed off from the bed in disgust and looked back at the man.
Me: Oh my god. That one is dead.
Him: No, not dead. None of them are dead.
I looked back at the bed with a dawning idea. "How long have they been in that condition?" I whispered, starting to feel some degree of horror.
"Time is perceptual," he said, and I understood he meant, not real and not relevant to this question, but I also understood that these are old... generally these are not energies from any time near the present in my life.
I tried to see the far end of the hospital beds filled with bloody people. There were too many to count, and as I turned to ask the man about it, into my head came the understanding (I think from IG) that this was 'representative'; there were vastly more where these came from, but they were representing all the others. I wondered if each one of these represented some event of my childhood. Would I find a thousand bodies that resulted from a stepmom slamming my head against the wall repeatedly in her rage? A few hundred from a body covered with deep welts from the belt, conveniently that didn't show outside my clothes? Maybe one really mutilated body for the time I missed christmas and got slapped across the face about 120 times until I had a 3" black-purple bruise with blood blisters down my face, and got my presents given me the next May (when I got in trouble for not being excited enough to get them)?
The sense of overwhelm came back. I realized I couldn't possibly deal with this many things. I mean, it takes a bit to deal with even ONE archetypal piece; I would be meditating on horror every night for the next five years to get through that! I can't do it. I can't begin to do it. It's too much.
I walked away from the beds and back toward IG, and then I had an idea and turned around. I called 'The Great White Brotherhood Medical Assistance Team' that I'd heard referenced some, and that despite its rather silly name I had reason to believe was an identity-set that really did work with people in my world if requested. I told them, I know you guys are normally requested for medical stuff and this is probably psyche stuff, despite the medical archetypes. But surely you can deal with this or find me the kind of identities who can help me. Please, you've got to help me heal this stuff, it's too much for me.
And I left. I will go back. But I can't begin to do that alone. I've never had an archetype that I felt so completely overwhelmed by.
I should probably make my next few archetype meditations on the ones I love, like Responsibility and Sun.
It has been days since I meditated. I tried a few times and fell asleep. And I didn't try more times than that. Some part of me inside has been freaking out about my losing the consistency of it when it seems to be working well. Some other part of me has been freaking out period and trying to avoid everything about the subject. I realize that there are parts of me that want to slow things down and adjust, but I don't really care. I WANT to work through some of this stuff, and I'm already too freakin old, I don't need to wait another year or ten of life before I deal with it. So last night, around more avoidance-evasion efforts than you would believe, I forced myself into meditation.
First I touched base with Bolehren, Taan and Nero.
Then I told IG that it was time: I wanted to work on the Knight of Wands archetype. I knew already from the tiniest exposure that somehow this was tied into my childhood and that I was likely to react physically to it, but I was ready.
It took a dozen attempts to bring my attention back before I could even partly see it. It was a bizarre chaos of visual collage. It was somehow huge and small, pink and black, there was blood and wounds, it was a monster, it was a cartoon, it was somehow a thousand things at once. I closed my inner eyes and just spent awhile imagining the 'rain of love' in a monsoon on us, and then the 'light of love', and then the 'wind of love' which blew off a lot of 'pieces' here and there, some that seemed to come from inside it, and then a sort of clear thick 'chemical of love' that first slightly numbed and then disinfected and then rinsed clean. It took awhile for all that (especially since my mind was frantically trying to escape to any possible universe that did not involve dealing with this).
Near the end of the chem rinsing I realized that for a few moments I had been seeing and looking at -- without consciously noticing -- something. It reminded me of sometimes when you get chakra visuals or sounds and you're oblivious to them and suddenly your awareness throws up a flag that your eyes are seeing one thing and your 'other eyes' are seeing something completely different. I suddenly paid attention again and realized everything had vanished to be replaced by two things: a man standing in front of me, and a really huge "hospital ward" filled with populated beds that started about a hundred yards back. Except although it was definitely a 'hospital ward' it was outside with us.
I looked at the man.
"How can I possibly heal all these people?" I asked him, feeling overwhelmed by the sheer quantity of them and the sense even from a distance that the wounds were grievous.
"Only you can do it," he observed with a shrug.
I walked over to the nearest bed. My body abreacted wildly and I forced my attention to stay there. On the bed was a person, I couldn't even tell gender. Their body was on its side. The torso was opened up with a perfectly round hole, and all their guts were sort of "formed" into a semi-stiff shape that stuck straight out of them, like all the intestines had been fashioned into a blunt club of sorts. I felt revulsion through my whole body and shuddered. I looked at the head, which was turned so the face was mostly face-up. The eyes were slightly filmed over and still. I felt sick and nauseated. I backed off from the bed in disgust and looked back at the man.
Me: Oh my god. That one is dead.
Him: No, not dead. None of them are dead.
I looked back at the bed with a dawning idea. "How long have they been in that condition?" I whispered, starting to feel some degree of horror.
"Time is perceptual," he said, and I understood he meant, not real and not relevant to this question, but I also understood that these are old... generally these are not energies from any time near the present in my life.
I tried to see the far end of the hospital beds filled with bloody people. There were too many to count, and as I turned to ask the man about it, into my head came the understanding (I think from IG) that this was 'representative'; there were vastly more where these came from, but they were representing all the others. I wondered if each one of these represented some event of my childhood. Would I find a thousand bodies that resulted from a stepmom slamming my head against the wall repeatedly in her rage? A few hundred from a body covered with deep welts from the belt, conveniently that didn't show outside my clothes? Maybe one really mutilated body for the time I missed christmas and got slapped across the face about 120 times until I had a 3" black-purple bruise with blood blisters down my face, and got my presents given me the next May (when I got in trouble for not being excited enough to get them)?
The sense of overwhelm came back. I realized I couldn't possibly deal with this many things. I mean, it takes a bit to deal with even ONE archetypal piece; I would be meditating on horror every night for the next five years to get through that! I can't do it. I can't begin to do it. It's too much.
I walked away from the beds and back toward IG, and then I had an idea and turned around. I called 'The Great White Brotherhood Medical Assistance Team' that I'd heard referenced some, and that despite its rather silly name I had reason to believe was an identity-set that really did work with people in my world if requested. I told them, I know you guys are normally requested for medical stuff and this is probably psyche stuff, despite the medical archetypes. But surely you can deal with this or find me the kind of identities who can help me. Please, you've got to help me heal this stuff, it's too much for me.
And I left. I will go back. But I can't begin to do that alone. I've never had an archetype that I felt so completely overwhelmed by.
I should probably make my next few archetype meditations on the ones I love, like Responsibility and Sun.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Guerilla Tarot
I was reading a blog entry here:
http://blog.lavacocktail.com/2008/09/14/guerilla-tarot.aspx
where the author suggested we try to use tarot for remote influence, with such charming ideas as
Fwiw (I try to save my 'comments' on stuff somewhere), my comment:
http://blog.lavacocktail.com/2008/09/14/guerilla-tarot.aspx
where the author suggested we try to use tarot for remote influence, with such charming ideas as
...send the Empress into Palin's neo-cortex and see what happens or The Devil into McCain's limbic brain to see if there's a vibrational match. Have the Fool stimulate Karl Rove's pineal gland and enjoy the show!
So maybe we can blame the conservatives on the liberals LOLOLOL.
Anyway along the way, the article itself said:
I suggest, in order to mature the Tarot deck into the next millenium, that not only all of its characters and symbols, from the Ace of Cups to the King of Pentacles, be infused with our life energy but that they be animated as well, as if they were participating in a cartoon of our own making.
Fwiw (I try to save my 'comments' on stuff somewhere), my comment:
I got a kick out of the idea that tarot "be infused with our life energy but that they be animated as well, as if they were participating in a cartoon of our own making." Tarot is ALREADY exactly that! It's a concept-map of the experiential universe. (Probably the best work on it is from Crowley and Edwin Steinbrecher, in this regard.) You might wish to consider testing out Steinbrecher's internal-yoga meditative approach; definitely the cards "map to" and associate with (frankly, whether we want them to or not) the energies in our existing world.
Windows and Synchronicity
I'm sure getting a lot more offbeat overlay-visuals than I used to. Normally I get a little sound that way, though I only notice it when I pay attention. Sometimes it's imagination; sometimes it seems like reality-overlay. But I seem to be doing it more with visuals lately.
For example I'll be thinking, or doing something, and suddenly a very vivid visual so affects me because for a moment I think it's real. If I had time with it I would realize it weren't real but usually the first impact of it startles me and pulls me out of experiencing it.
Today I was nearly asleep when, like a mini-dream, on this street that I visited yesterday in another city, I was walking near the corner, when around the corner incredibly fast came (of all things) a modern train and it ran right into me -- or at least, the total shock of the fact that I was suddenly being hit by a modern train was so severe that I literally leapt up in defense-panic reaction just at the instant when it would have done so.
***
Last night I finished an archmed I'd let IG choose previously. I'd worked on something until it split into 5 parts and each part had its own issues. I'm trying to remember them now. That's why I have to blog this stuff immediately, 'cause it falls out of my head otherwise!
There was one that had these long cone-shaped black rubber bullet-like inserts all over his body especially in his palms, feet, head, etc. He said that was to keep him from feeling in those areas. There was another that had some terrible abscess-boils on his head that went impossibly deep. There was another that kept shaking his head like a cat that gets fur stuck in its mouth. He said he had a bad taste and kept trying to wash it out. There was one that had some metal... something in front of it. We unwound all the molecules and then remade it into a flying carpet. I forget the other. I worked with each of them until it was through.
I am overdue for getting to my Knight of Wands tarot archetype meditation and the next session from the archmed that sparked that. I've started listening to some bineural-beat stuff. I had really forgotten how if you're not used to it, some of that can just knock you out cold! Actually I think any given 'focus level' can if you're not used to it and it's got a dominance of theta or a good dose of delta. Anyway so several times I've been snoring instead of meditating, but I'm sure that will pass.
***
I've been doing a new brief visualization though. For days I have just been in a vastly better mood about everything. I was talking at-large to all-guides one day while driving, thinking that I wanted them to help me any way they chose to, and then I wanted to "clear out doubt or attachment to reality" and "let go" so they could operate freely. I had this visual-concept of like a big sphere like a snowglobe. Except each tiny piece of snow was actually a guide "aspect of me", and I was at the center, and all of us together were a sort of galazy. I imagined that I released any grungy dark matter between all the stars that were me, and that my whole personal solar system / galaxy / whatever, was really clean and free. It seems to work ok, as a 1-second meditative concept. :-)
On the 13th I was overcome by this desire to DO something about my windows. For 8 years in this house I have mostly ignored the windows. The kid is missing a curtain; the back room has a curtain duck-taped on because the curtain rod fell; the other window is missing one; the side-front and kitchen window and kitchen door are all missing them; I had the day to myself and was planning to come home and sleep. When I got home I felt absolutely wired and driven to FIX THIS. I wondered why I cared, really, if I hadn't cared much until now, not that I don't think it's relevent, just that you know, there are limited things to spend money on. But I felt very powerfully that this was a really powerful and profound thing in a Feng Shui sense, and that some messed-up energy had resolved in me which was reflected in that, and now the outer world had to be resolved to match, or it would have internal effects.
So I went and spent way too much money--even though on cheap stuff at WalMart, my little city's only real store!--and got rods, blinds, sheers, and curtains (depending) for every one of the 13 windows in the house. For the first time EVER, when I am asleep, I am actually IN THE DARK, not having light shining in through and around the semi-curtains I had. For the first time, every window looks decent. For the first time, we actually have privacy, and don't have to worry about running into the kitchen when half-naked for example. It's very cool. I don't fully understand why it was so needed but I am trusting my intuition that it really was.
Meanwhile, on that day, I spent a very long time shopping, and it was hilarious how "synchronicity" had amped-up. I almost couldn't think positively of anything without it falling right to hand. Every quantity I needed of something was exactly how much they had (and often not at first but I'd think, "Oh, I needed two more!" or something and then I'd slightly turn my head and right there would be exactly two more). By the end of the day it was just funny. I haven't had synchronicity work like that for me in a good 15 years.
After my inspiration-overwhelm, but before my shopping spree, I stopped by the hair salon. Once a year I get my useless hair chopped off just above the shoulders. This time I had a stripe of gold and a stripe of red-violet put in it, and left a little bit for a tri-colored braid, THEN had the 8" chopped off it. I was happy mostly because it is the first time I've really felt like doing something for ME in a very, very long time. I mean something that related to how I looked and felt about myself. I would have gotten a manicure but they were busy. Frankly I would have gotten a tattoo if there'd been a parlor near LOL! What a day!
My birthday (14th) went fine. I got a few gifts from a few folks though my favorite was the constellation card from a friend and the message-in-a-bottle love letter from my boyfriend. Me and Ry went out to Olive Garden and ate enough carbs (and gluten) to keel over from... damn it was so good. Must return to MEAT=FOOD soon here, though!
PJ
For example I'll be thinking, or doing something, and suddenly a very vivid visual so affects me because for a moment I think it's real. If I had time with it I would realize it weren't real but usually the first impact of it startles me and pulls me out of experiencing it.
Today I was nearly asleep when, like a mini-dream, on this street that I visited yesterday in another city, I was walking near the corner, when around the corner incredibly fast came (of all things) a modern train and it ran right into me -- or at least, the total shock of the fact that I was suddenly being hit by a modern train was so severe that I literally leapt up in defense-panic reaction just at the instant when it would have done so.
***
Last night I finished an archmed I'd let IG choose previously. I'd worked on something until it split into 5 parts and each part had its own issues. I'm trying to remember them now. That's why I have to blog this stuff immediately, 'cause it falls out of my head otherwise!
There was one that had these long cone-shaped black rubber bullet-like inserts all over his body especially in his palms, feet, head, etc. He said that was to keep him from feeling in those areas. There was another that had some terrible abscess-boils on his head that went impossibly deep. There was another that kept shaking his head like a cat that gets fur stuck in its mouth. He said he had a bad taste and kept trying to wash it out. There was one that had some metal... something in front of it. We unwound all the molecules and then remade it into a flying carpet. I forget the other. I worked with each of them until it was through.
I am overdue for getting to my Knight of Wands tarot archetype meditation and the next session from the archmed that sparked that. I've started listening to some bineural-beat stuff. I had really forgotten how if you're not used to it, some of that can just knock you out cold! Actually I think any given 'focus level' can if you're not used to it and it's got a dominance of theta or a good dose of delta. Anyway so several times I've been snoring instead of meditating, but I'm sure that will pass.
***
I've been doing a new brief visualization though. For days I have just been in a vastly better mood about everything. I was talking at-large to all-guides one day while driving, thinking that I wanted them to help me any way they chose to, and then I wanted to "clear out doubt or attachment to reality" and "let go" so they could operate freely. I had this visual-concept of like a big sphere like a snowglobe. Except each tiny piece of snow was actually a guide "aspect of me", and I was at the center, and all of us together were a sort of galazy. I imagined that I released any grungy dark matter between all the stars that were me, and that my whole personal solar system / galaxy / whatever, was really clean and free. It seems to work ok, as a 1-second meditative concept. :-)
On the 13th I was overcome by this desire to DO something about my windows. For 8 years in this house I have mostly ignored the windows. The kid is missing a curtain; the back room has a curtain duck-taped on because the curtain rod fell; the other window is missing one; the side-front and kitchen window and kitchen door are all missing them; I had the day to myself and was planning to come home and sleep. When I got home I felt absolutely wired and driven to FIX THIS. I wondered why I cared, really, if I hadn't cared much until now, not that I don't think it's relevent, just that you know, there are limited things to spend money on. But I felt very powerfully that this was a really powerful and profound thing in a Feng Shui sense, and that some messed-up energy had resolved in me which was reflected in that, and now the outer world had to be resolved to match, or it would have internal effects.
So I went and spent way too much money--even though on cheap stuff at WalMart, my little city's only real store!--and got rods, blinds, sheers, and curtains (depending) for every one of the 13 windows in the house. For the first time EVER, when I am asleep, I am actually IN THE DARK, not having light shining in through and around the semi-curtains I had. For the first time, every window looks decent. For the first time, we actually have privacy, and don't have to worry about running into the kitchen when half-naked for example. It's very cool. I don't fully understand why it was so needed but I am trusting my intuition that it really was.
Meanwhile, on that day, I spent a very long time shopping, and it was hilarious how "synchronicity" had amped-up. I almost couldn't think positively of anything without it falling right to hand. Every quantity I needed of something was exactly how much they had (and often not at first but I'd think, "Oh, I needed two more!" or something and then I'd slightly turn my head and right there would be exactly two more). By the end of the day it was just funny. I haven't had synchronicity work like that for me in a good 15 years.
After my inspiration-overwhelm, but before my shopping spree, I stopped by the hair salon. Once a year I get my useless hair chopped off just above the shoulders. This time I had a stripe of gold and a stripe of red-violet put in it, and left a little bit for a tri-colored braid, THEN had the 8" chopped off it. I was happy mostly because it is the first time I've really felt like doing something for ME in a very, very long time. I mean something that related to how I looked and felt about myself. I would have gotten a manicure but they were busy. Frankly I would have gotten a tattoo if there'd been a parlor near LOL! What a day!
My birthday (14th) went fine. I got a few gifts from a few folks though my favorite was the constellation card from a friend and the message-in-a-bottle love letter from my boyfriend. Me and Ry went out to Olive Garden and ate enough carbs (and gluten) to keel over from... damn it was so good. Must return to MEAT=FOOD soon here, though!
PJ
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Morning Pics
My hair is eight inches shorter suddenly. My head feels so light! This is my birthday fling -- short hair! I just took this a bit ago -- so it is first thing in the morning, still sitting in bed with my laptop, no makeup, be warned!
I tried to catch some of the color on the side a little better:
Didn't work so well though! I only have a bad webcam/celcam and I think I need a separate person to really get a good shot of the color stripes and braid. Maybe I can get one from my dad later today.
The hurricane-rainoff that was supposed to hit us swerved right -- just as I asked it to, I might add ;-) -- so I might go to Joplin today after all. We'll see!
PJ
I tried to catch some of the color on the side a little better:
Didn't work so well though! I only have a bad webcam/celcam and I think I need a separate person to really get a good shot of the color stripes and braid. Maybe I can get one from my dad later today.
The hurricane-rainoff that was supposed to hit us swerved right -- just as I asked it to, I might add ;-) -- so I might go to Joplin today after all. We'll see!
PJ
Friday, September 12, 2008
Not Quite the Golden Horse
A quote from this blog on Sep 4 (meditation was the 3rd evening):
I want to have stuff that works. If it's not willing to work, I want it to move out of my life and be replaced by something that does. But wait, wait! I hate the timing issues on this stuff. Move in something that does work at the SAME time or very immediately after if that's going to happen!
At that time, my car had a problem with the heat/AC. The heating fan wasn't turning on like it should. I wanted to get it fixed but didn't have the money. Hoped I could spare it from my paycheck in a week (that's today).
Several days ago I got notice that the changed fiscal year of my company meant we were going to get our bonuses on the 12th. Yay! Mine was more than I had expected. Not that I don't have 10x the "needs" of it, of course!
A few days ago my car ran out of water. Shortly after, it ran out of water and the temp light came on. I had already arranged to get the heater fan worked on today. This morning trying to get it there, the temp light came on again.
The head gasket is blown. It's a side-mounted aluminum engine (cad 1988, my parents gave it to me 4 years ago when Jiffy Lube killed my truck). The mechanic said, "You can't replace 'em in these, I've tried, they don't even stay, it's a waste. It ain't even worth the money to fix it. I recommend you get rid of it and work out something else."
So it took... 9 days, before my car "MOVED OUT OF MY LIFE" -- literally on THE VERY DAY when I got a larger block of money than I've had in a couple years.
I grant... I have other things I want to spend it on! But the point is... well... usually archmed results happen in about a week -- this is a bit late for a specific meditation, but then I haven't been really hard core altered state for them either. I don't know what I'm going to do about a vehicle. I feel like if I buy something within 2-3K I'm just going to have to spend that much more replacing the transmission and engine--people who are poor, who have the kind of cars I can afford, don't give away cars until they're ready to die, I know that. I'm trying to get the phone# of a guy named Dan who is a master mechanic around here, has a day job, but thought I'd see if I could offer to pay him cash under the table to work on my truck, a flex schedule, and rebuild that engine (to me, the truck is worth saving, the car isn't).
And for the weekend I've rented (thanks to my bonus check!) the only full-size car (not a truck because The Mother Of All Storms is hitting tomorrow night and I don't want to be driving a truck on the highway in high wind and rain!) in my small town, and it's a beautiful dark red Chevy Magnum -- very nice, I totally love it.
It is not exactly the golden talking horse of my meditation. And I can't afford it for more than 4 days (barely at that). But it's awesome to have for a little while! And it looks like my car is a paperweight, so... that's one energy down!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
dreams, the crash
I only got like 2 hours sleep. I barely managed to get my ass outta bed and function to start work. Geez this was easier when I wasn't 43 (in 3 days!). Have a break here and wanted to record the dream I was having when I woke up, because I have the feeling it relates to the meditation and/or maybe the card.
Oh, so before I went to sleep, I dug out my Thoth tarot deck. It took awhile to find it. I searched the shelves in my room, then the big shelves in the living, then some storage drawers, then came back and searched the drawers on my bed (it has 12), and I found the deck inside a bag in one of those. That side of my bed has been so close to the wall for 2.5 years since I got this bed--until 2 weeks ago when I moved my bed--I'd forgotten it was there.
Before that I had been working on ideas for the 'mental tools' concept in RV, in 'process' (I'd already worked out some for 'in reporting'). I was in a decent state of mind as a result, though sleepy. Then I found and went through the deck. I found the 'wands' section. I was looking for something with red, a foot (human foot; there was a big double footprint that also had red, like from big boots or something, in my visual flash), and maybe a horse. As it turns out, all the wands have red. And all the 1-10 cards are just wands. That left the queen of wands (an awesome pic, a woman with big twisting horns), the king (a barefoot man in a chariot pulled by some creature), and the knight -- a man with big boots, on a rearing horse. So, that's the only one it could be.
I studied the card a bit. It seems rather dull to be honest. I've no idea what it is supposed to signify, though I can look it up today. I wondered if maybe the knight being a traditional symbol of 'rescue' had anything to do with it. I don't know if that's true or not but I had a major lower-body abreaction right then, so I felt that confirmed that at least was the card for sure. I set it out on my bedside table and asked IG and the 3 guides from the consortium to please help me process this energy (the card and the archetype) in dreams as much as possible.
So when I woke up this morning (barely, with my alarm going off repeatedly), I was having this dream:
I was driving a car. Ry was in the car with me, in the back seat. Some huge 'event' happened that caused my entire body to react with panic, fear, rage, trauma, stress, etc. and I just barely saved us from having some terrible crash. I was tired and wanted to stop but for some reason I couldn't, I had to press on.
Then that same kind of situation happened again. And again. And again. And again. And it kept happening, and every time, I got more trashed on every level, more exhausted, and all the panic-fear-rage-trauma emotions as I tried to get us out of the immediate and deadly situation somehow got more overwhelming.
Eventually I realized that I had been pretty much in a foggy, trauma'd trance for a long time. I was operating on auto-pilot. I literally *expected* the total trauma events to occur now, and maintained pretty much all the emotions they evoked all the time. My physical and emotional and mental exhaustion were so unbelievable that there just weren't even words for it.
And then I found myself steering us out of yet another of those situations, and I... I "broke". My ability to push past the exhaustion just expired, and something inside me collapsed in on itself. I had gotten us out of the immediate driving situation, but the car still affected by it was starting to slide and slowly spiral out of control and into the wrong lane toward the other side of the road. But I couldn't seem to stay fully aware, I could feel myself starting to slip into the darkness of unconscious, and I saw this huge brick wall coming toward us.
I felt a little bit of grief that I couldn't save us, and a very distant, fragment of concern that I was about to be killed, but I was just too exhausted to really care. I felt myself slump against the door, and just as I expected the wall to hit our careening, spinning car and come crashing through the glass and metal at me, we stopped. After a little while of being mostly-unconscious, I finally opened one eye and half-looked. The wall was right against the car. I'd come like two millimeters from it and the car had stopped. I couldn't seem to find the emotion to have any opinion about that, as I passed out fully.
I came to some time later, I didn't know how long I'd been out. In the distance in my sleep I could hear my father calling my name. It got closer. I managed to get halfway alert. He came into my line of vision out the back window. The car had changed. It had been a small car with Ry in the backseat before. Now it was some kind of mini-van with a big hatchback or whatever (and she wasn't there). The door seemed much too far away as if the car was really long and wide. I squinted at the light as my father opened the back.
"Look what you've done," he said to me, clearly annoyed. "Look at all this crap you have in the car now!" he pointed out. I looked. The area where we stopped seemed mostly undeveloped except for the wall, and there had been massive quantities of loose brush and tree limbs and 'nature-trash' so to speak, a real mess. Somehow the process of my semi-crashing, had caused a ton of this stuff to be bundled up in big hefty bags, and they were now stuffed into the back and side of my vehicle. Dad was clearly a bit disgusted that I had so poorly taken care of things that I was now saddled with all this crap to deal with.
Then I woke up.
One thing I'll say for my subconscious: it is merciful. Maybe with guide-help, who knows. But that whole dream, to me, is startlingly obvious symbolism! Man, I wish dreams were always so obvious!!
* Vehicles (bikes, motorcyles, cars, trucks, boats, planes, etc.) are always without exception really obvious analogies to my body in dreams, this is known to me.
* Interesting I'd notice I was in a trance. After years of hypnosis self-study but not a ton of doing it on myself, I was enrolled in an institute to study it during the era when I gained massive weight really fast. The one thing I learned that most helped me in that time was that I'd spent much of my life IN hypnosis (a suggestible partly tranced state)--and I learned how to stay OUT of it.
* I was so exhausted in that era... I would get up for work, take a shower, and sleep for 5 minutes while standing up in an ice-cold shower trying to wake myself up. My biggest trauma was 4.5 hours every day commuting on the 405 in Los Angeles. That highway is a friggin nightmare. A parking lot when you're in a hurry, people nearly killing you constantly to try and get .8 seconds ahead of where they were. I had such rage on the highway there I knew that if I had a gun I would have gone postal and killed people -- I finally understood why you can NOT carry a gun in the car. I had a manual transmission and that's probably the only reason I didn't sleep on the way to work, because it required changing from 1st to 2nd and back again every 30-60 seconds in the 30 minutes between home and work. Yuck. Seriously I could have bicycled there 20x as fast but the city layout made it impossible and I had to go from Culver City where I worked way the hell over to Tarzana for school right after. I used to call it (in a black urban accent) "the 4 o' 5 miles an hour" freeway. Part of it was emotional exhaustion though. I was working through a lot of serious psychological stuff, via hypnosis, and it was as hard core as the physical circumstance at that point.
* I had 'gotten us out of the immediate situation' but my car was starting to spin out of control. That does rather speak to the timeframe (the archetype being about childhood, but the weight gain happening shortly after).
* I thought the part about slipping into unconscious and being too exhausted to really care about my impending doom was an interesting symbol. That really well defines it. I was so trashed during that era that even though I saw my body going nuts and ended up wearing tons of 'broomstick skirts' -- that had no sizing, so I could grow massively with little issue -- I didn't even notice the stretch mark issue until later when I looked like a road map. I was sort of aware but just couldn't seem to care sufficiently.
It's also interesting that for all the years I've been fat, my biggest problem has been really cognitively integrating it. I mean I know it intellectually, how peoples' reaction to me changed was radical and profound (and horrifying), I'd been a fashion zombie performer so you better believe I had a lot of bad feelings about not being able to fit in anything, and not wanting to be seen by anybody let alone anybody who knew me especially from high school or college. Every time I saw a picture of myself or saw myself in a store window, I was so shocked--I mean downright aghast--I just couldn't compute it. I was cool, everyone knew I was talented, smart and funny, so that hideous fat-thing in the window couldn't possibly be me! Despite that I dieted (to zero avail, since diets were high-carb, and carbs were what made me fat of course), despite my misery over my size, despite I nearly put a bullet in my head in my despair over that and that it annihilated my lifetime career plans in music, despite all of that, some part of me just couldn't... get it through the darkness in my head I guess. 17 years later I am still horrified to see a picture of myself, although the last couple of years have seen a great improvement both in my size and in my 'awareness and acceptance'. There is some surreal kind of unconscious state. Much like anorexics see themselves as hideously fat when they are skeletal, I avoided looking at myself, and 'perceived' myself (not my visual-ref but my "residual self-image" as The Matrix might put it) as still like I'd been prior to the weight gain.
* That my car changed from a small car to a minivan with a big hatchback is HILARIOUS! Oh man.
* That symbol -- "nature trash"! Wow. And "Hefty" bags! Wow. And most of it was stored "in my trunk and on the sides" -- LOL -- I am a major pear shape. I mean you just can't get any more obvious than that!
* My father reacted very badly to my coming home from L.A. morbidly obese. He himself is a musician/performer and a rather critical Scorpio. He was really irked about it and he gave me major grief about it, making jokes about me ("hey, pull up a couple'a chairs and siddown, ha-ha-ha!" or "hey I hear the best exercise is push-aways, away from the table ha-ha-ha!" and so on. That I gained weight on one freakin meal a day while pushing myself harder than anybody I know both physically and psychologically is the real irony, obviously. Not a surprise to any metabolism expert, given my conditions, but our society is just really stupid in what they think makes people so fat, mostly because the science-government 'party line', despite being pretty well blown to hell by modern research and theory, is still maintaining the old ignorance [mostly because changing it would hugely impact food sales and resultant medical-drug sales, and the people sponsoring medical societies and edu are all the food and drug corps]). Anyway he had a really bad reaction to it and always pointed it out, and often said his frustration was that he knew what it would do to my life (socially--from music to business to men), that I would have to "deal with" that. So I found it interesting that in the dream it was him that tracked me down and pointed out what had happened.
I can't but think this dream definitely relates to the issue I was working on.
I guess I get the important part of this:
I wondered why on earth I'd get childhood archetype stuff when the weight gain came in early adulthood. The dream, and thinking of how it relates, clears that up. Yes, I was just past the real survival-threats, but I was still reacting to them and starting to spin out of control. If nothing else, this does fill in the blanks for me on that, because I've always wondered.
Oh, so before I went to sleep, I dug out my Thoth tarot deck. It took awhile to find it. I searched the shelves in my room, then the big shelves in the living, then some storage drawers, then came back and searched the drawers on my bed (it has 12), and I found the deck inside a bag in one of those. That side of my bed has been so close to the wall for 2.5 years since I got this bed--until 2 weeks ago when I moved my bed--I'd forgotten it was there.
Before that I had been working on ideas for the 'mental tools' concept in RV, in 'process' (I'd already worked out some for 'in reporting'). I was in a decent state of mind as a result, though sleepy. Then I found and went through the deck. I found the 'wands' section. I was looking for something with red, a foot (human foot; there was a big double footprint that also had red, like from big boots or something, in my visual flash), and maybe a horse. As it turns out, all the wands have red. And all the 1-10 cards are just wands. That left the queen of wands (an awesome pic, a woman with big twisting horns), the king (a barefoot man in a chariot pulled by some creature), and the knight -- a man with big boots, on a rearing horse. So, that's the only one it could be.
I studied the card a bit. It seems rather dull to be honest. I've no idea what it is supposed to signify, though I can look it up today. I wondered if maybe the knight being a traditional symbol of 'rescue' had anything to do with it. I don't know if that's true or not but I had a major lower-body abreaction right then, so I felt that confirmed that at least was the card for sure. I set it out on my bedside table and asked IG and the 3 guides from the consortium to please help me process this energy (the card and the archetype) in dreams as much as possible.
So when I woke up this morning (barely, with my alarm going off repeatedly), I was having this dream:
I was driving a car. Ry was in the car with me, in the back seat. Some huge 'event' happened that caused my entire body to react with panic, fear, rage, trauma, stress, etc. and I just barely saved us from having some terrible crash. I was tired and wanted to stop but for some reason I couldn't, I had to press on.
Then that same kind of situation happened again. And again. And again. And again. And it kept happening, and every time, I got more trashed on every level, more exhausted, and all the panic-fear-rage-trauma emotions as I tried to get us out of the immediate and deadly situation somehow got more overwhelming.
Eventually I realized that I had been pretty much in a foggy, trauma'd trance for a long time. I was operating on auto-pilot. I literally *expected* the total trauma events to occur now, and maintained pretty much all the emotions they evoked all the time. My physical and emotional and mental exhaustion were so unbelievable that there just weren't even words for it.
And then I found myself steering us out of yet another of those situations, and I... I "broke". My ability to push past the exhaustion just expired, and something inside me collapsed in on itself. I had gotten us out of the immediate driving situation, but the car still affected by it was starting to slide and slowly spiral out of control and into the wrong lane toward the other side of the road. But I couldn't seem to stay fully aware, I could feel myself starting to slip into the darkness of unconscious, and I saw this huge brick wall coming toward us.
I felt a little bit of grief that I couldn't save us, and a very distant, fragment of concern that I was about to be killed, but I was just too exhausted to really care. I felt myself slump against the door, and just as I expected the wall to hit our careening, spinning car and come crashing through the glass and metal at me, we stopped. After a little while of being mostly-unconscious, I finally opened one eye and half-looked. The wall was right against the car. I'd come like two millimeters from it and the car had stopped. I couldn't seem to find the emotion to have any opinion about that, as I passed out fully.
I came to some time later, I didn't know how long I'd been out. In the distance in my sleep I could hear my father calling my name. It got closer. I managed to get halfway alert. He came into my line of vision out the back window. The car had changed. It had been a small car with Ry in the backseat before. Now it was some kind of mini-van with a big hatchback or whatever (and she wasn't there). The door seemed much too far away as if the car was really long and wide. I squinted at the light as my father opened the back.
"Look what you've done," he said to me, clearly annoyed. "Look at all this crap you have in the car now!" he pointed out. I looked. The area where we stopped seemed mostly undeveloped except for the wall, and there had been massive quantities of loose brush and tree limbs and 'nature-trash' so to speak, a real mess. Somehow the process of my semi-crashing, had caused a ton of this stuff to be bundled up in big hefty bags, and they were now stuffed into the back and side of my vehicle. Dad was clearly a bit disgusted that I had so poorly taken care of things that I was now saddled with all this crap to deal with.
Then I woke up.
One thing I'll say for my subconscious: it is merciful. Maybe with guide-help, who knows. But that whole dream, to me, is startlingly obvious symbolism! Man, I wish dreams were always so obvious!!
* Vehicles (bikes, motorcyles, cars, trucks, boats, planes, etc.) are always without exception really obvious analogies to my body in dreams, this is known to me.
* Interesting I'd notice I was in a trance. After years of hypnosis self-study but not a ton of doing it on myself, I was enrolled in an institute to study it during the era when I gained massive weight really fast. The one thing I learned that most helped me in that time was that I'd spent much of my life IN hypnosis (a suggestible partly tranced state)--and I learned how to stay OUT of it.
* I was so exhausted in that era... I would get up for work, take a shower, and sleep for 5 minutes while standing up in an ice-cold shower trying to wake myself up. My biggest trauma was 4.5 hours every day commuting on the 405 in Los Angeles. That highway is a friggin nightmare. A parking lot when you're in a hurry, people nearly killing you constantly to try and get .8 seconds ahead of where they were. I had such rage on the highway there I knew that if I had a gun I would have gone postal and killed people -- I finally understood why you can NOT carry a gun in the car. I had a manual transmission and that's probably the only reason I didn't sleep on the way to work, because it required changing from 1st to 2nd and back again every 30-60 seconds in the 30 minutes between home and work. Yuck. Seriously I could have bicycled there 20x as fast but the city layout made it impossible and I had to go from Culver City where I worked way the hell over to Tarzana for school right after. I used to call it (in a black urban accent) "the 4 o' 5 miles an hour" freeway. Part of it was emotional exhaustion though. I was working through a lot of serious psychological stuff, via hypnosis, and it was as hard core as the physical circumstance at that point.
* I had 'gotten us out of the immediate situation' but my car was starting to spin out of control. That does rather speak to the timeframe (the archetype being about childhood, but the weight gain happening shortly after).
* I thought the part about slipping into unconscious and being too exhausted to really care about my impending doom was an interesting symbol. That really well defines it. I was so trashed during that era that even though I saw my body going nuts and ended up wearing tons of 'broomstick skirts' -- that had no sizing, so I could grow massively with little issue -- I didn't even notice the stretch mark issue until later when I looked like a road map. I was sort of aware but just couldn't seem to care sufficiently.
It's also interesting that for all the years I've been fat, my biggest problem has been really cognitively integrating it. I mean I know it intellectually, how peoples' reaction to me changed was radical and profound (and horrifying), I'd been a fashion zombie performer so you better believe I had a lot of bad feelings about not being able to fit in anything, and not wanting to be seen by anybody let alone anybody who knew me especially from high school or college. Every time I saw a picture of myself or saw myself in a store window, I was so shocked--I mean downright aghast--I just couldn't compute it. I was cool, everyone knew I was talented, smart and funny, so that hideous fat-thing in the window couldn't possibly be me! Despite that I dieted (to zero avail, since diets were high-carb, and carbs were what made me fat of course), despite my misery over my size, despite I nearly put a bullet in my head in my despair over that and that it annihilated my lifetime career plans in music, despite all of that, some part of me just couldn't... get it through the darkness in my head I guess. 17 years later I am still horrified to see a picture of myself, although the last couple of years have seen a great improvement both in my size and in my 'awareness and acceptance'. There is some surreal kind of unconscious state. Much like anorexics see themselves as hideously fat when they are skeletal, I avoided looking at myself, and 'perceived' myself (not my visual-ref but my "residual self-image" as The Matrix might put it) as still like I'd been prior to the weight gain.
* That my car changed from a small car to a minivan with a big hatchback is HILARIOUS! Oh man.
* That symbol -- "nature trash"! Wow. And "Hefty" bags! Wow. And most of it was stored "in my trunk and on the sides" -- LOL -- I am a major pear shape. I mean you just can't get any more obvious than that!
* My father reacted very badly to my coming home from L.A. morbidly obese. He himself is a musician/performer and a rather critical Scorpio. He was really irked about it and he gave me major grief about it, making jokes about me ("hey, pull up a couple'a chairs and siddown, ha-ha-ha!" or "hey I hear the best exercise is push-aways, away from the table ha-ha-ha!" and so on. That I gained weight on one freakin meal a day while pushing myself harder than anybody I know both physically and psychologically is the real irony, obviously. Not a surprise to any metabolism expert, given my conditions, but our society is just really stupid in what they think makes people so fat, mostly because the science-government 'party line', despite being pretty well blown to hell by modern research and theory, is still maintaining the old ignorance [mostly because changing it would hugely impact food sales and resultant medical-drug sales, and the people sponsoring medical societies and edu are all the food and drug corps]). Anyway he had a really bad reaction to it and always pointed it out, and often said his frustration was that he knew what it would do to my life (socially--from music to business to men), that I would have to "deal with" that. So I found it interesting that in the dream it was him that tracked me down and pointed out what had happened.
I can't but think this dream definitely relates to the issue I was working on.
I guess I get the important part of this:
I wondered why on earth I'd get childhood archetype stuff when the weight gain came in early adulthood. The dream, and thinking of how it relates, clears that up. Yes, I was just past the real survival-threats, but I was still reacting to them and starting to spin out of control. If nothing else, this does fill in the blanks for me on that, because I've always wondered.
A Heavy Issue, Take I
I'm SO sleepy but felt I needed to record this before I sleep and forget most of it. I did record most of the conversation part in my notebook as it was happening, but it's barely legible.
Tonight I ran in to see IG, concerned I'd be too sleepy. I just hugged her. For the first time ever, I feel a sort of maternal sense about my IG. Maybe that is natural. Anyway I said, "I don't know what to work on. I don't want to do one of the things you give me that are so intangible. All my ideas seem kind of trivial or stuff I've done before. What is important, that I should ask for?
I had this sudden memory. Fairly recently my boyfriend said, "You know, it amazes me that you've done so much heavy duty internal work, and yet while you consider your weight a major issue in your life, you don't meditate on that." He's right. He doesn't care about it, but I do, and I guess it IS weird that I haven't made that a meditation point. Being fat ruined my life to a great degree, the way I see it, and blitzed metabolism that brought that on, kept it on, and makes it damn hard to lose (I've lost about 40% of it), just perpetuates the problem.
I thought that sudden memory was IG giving me an answer. So I said, "OK, I want to meditate on "my problem with extra bodyfat" now."
I sneezed violently.
I said dryly to IG, "Well that's gonna be quite the meditation I bet." IG seemed amused, in a good way, the first time I've got that sense from her.
I turned to see the arch. It took me a moment before I could see this round wheel-like thing, some flat shape sticking out of it. I thought a person was there somewhere but couldn't get them clearly.
My BF and I had been talking about "mental tools" in NLP (and designing them for RV use). I'd tried one before, 'tuning my head' so I 'saw' the frequency of the 'invisible' arch that turned out to be the (concealed) Bolehren. So I tried it again. I imagined an old ham radio-like knob in the center of my forehead but slightly lower, where I've perceived the 'third eye' chakra, and I assigned it to "fine tune visual focus" and I played with it until I felt I could see well enough.
The target was a man in a wheelchair. He was probably in his 35-55 range (I'm terrible with age guessing), overweight, with the big-belly style some men get (oddly, I'm not a man, and I don't have the belly, so go figure). His face was sort of red, and he seemed ... upset. Like the kind of man suffering sleep apnea without knowing it, who is a raging ranting bull at the drop of a hat. His wheels were kind of large and there was some odd flat rectangle things sticking out of them.
For once, I had the clear feeling that I could actually TALK with this arch. I don't get that often. I love it when I do!
Me: Why are you crippled?
Him: You! It's you! You do everything wrong! I hate you!
I was taken aback. He was waving his arms, trying to reach me to 'get' me but trapped in the chair. His face was now twice as red and he looked like he was just enraged. I wondered what this meant. Does this mean I hate myself? What do I do wrong? I decided to ignore his anger but stay out of reach of his hands.
Me: What do the things on the wheels represent?
Him: Adaptations. Extra balance and function. I build things to help deal with it all.
(I hoped dearly that this would not imply my programming websites, which counts as building things, was in some way related to my weight. I mean give me a break! I decided it probably related more to personality or physical adaptations.)
Me: Are you truly angry at ME?
Him: I hate you. I want to kill you!
He began swinging to reach me again and I stepped back again. He sat back, giving up, but looked at me with boiling resentment. I had the sudden overlay of this truly hilarious essay someone once wrote about meeting Martians. I'll dig it up tomorrow and post it.
Me: Well you have an odd way of going about it.
Him: Your defenses. Can't use a knife or a club. But I can make my weight such a burden it'll eventually pull you under.
Me: Hmmn. Do you relate at all to the "weight of guilt" I struggle with?
Him: The weight of guilt, the weight of body, in our case it's all connected, and there are other forms it takes.
Me: Well... but why do you hate me?
Him: I can't take any more pain. You don't protect me!
Me: Now? Or in my past?
Him: There is only ever the now for me. For you it's the past.
Me: But... why are you in a wheelchair instead of walking?
Him: I'm too weak to defend myself or get away!
Me: This is starting to sound like a child abuse energy frankly.
Him: NO SHIT!
I almost laughed. I've never had an archetype swear before! It was funny, but I didn't think he'd appreciate my laughing. I had a sudden suspicion.
Me: I love weight lifting. I have some emotional problem that interferes. Do you know anything about this?
Him: I am weak! I am not strong!
I sighed. Well that's kind of interesting. But it seemed to me the symbolism of my child self -- pretty severe child abuse in various forms physical and psychological around 9-15 age -- was operational here. What I don't understand is, although I was never skinny, I was never pointedly overweight until I gained over 200 lbs in less than 2 years in my early 20s. And the irony is that this is when I was finally FREE of authority figures. I mean, I was working 60 hours, commuting 4.5 hours a day on the 405 in Los Angeles, going to night school studying hypnosis, sleeping about 4 hours a night, only having time / place to eat once a day (Del Taco at 1am!), and in addition to serious chronic sleep deprivation, I was massively stressed out. So I can understand how those conditions led to major body issues--and ok, I can see how my childhood might have resulted in my seriously over-driven, self-punishing personality, true. What I don't understand is why my archetype for being fat wouldn't relate more to THAT era, rather than to the nightmare of my childhood. I mean doesn't it seem like I would have been fat IN childhood, if that was the source? Was the 'big scary angry fat man' some symbol more from my childhood perception of someone? I decided to quit trying to psychoanalyze myself since I was supposed to be talking to the archetype.
Me: What if I healed you, and made you strong?
Him: Strong enough to fight or run?
Me: Strong enough to rule the world.
He got rather still then, looking at me as if he were afraid to hope. I wondered how crazy it was that since the talk began I had a constant sense of different emotions coming from him. I wondered if this was another child overlay (children are so obvious to read). Then he said:
Him: "That would be good."
Me: I tell you what. You are SO special, I'm going to dedicate not 1 but 3 meditations just to you. I promise when we are done, you'll be Superman. Literally, if you want.
Him: That's... great. OK.
Me: For this first one, even just our talk will help some. And I'd like to shake your hand and trade energy. Can I come near you, without you hurting me?
Him: Yeah, it's ok.
I gave him a red cape and told him he'd be using it before long. I didn't really grok what he gave me, only that it was multiple things he put in various parts of my body, that felt like the parts "where my body pieces joined" -- each of my pelvic joins to leg, my shoulders where the arms join, my neck, and one in the middle.
We merged. I didn't feel any rush at all, but I "felt the merge" -- oddly, that is how I felt when I merged with IG that time.
I turned to IG. But before I could say anything, I had this visual. To my left (her right, I faced her), about 20 feet away, was something like a conveyor system that held from above, rectangle playing cards. Like 8 of hearts I thought I saw, but wasn't sure, but it seemed clear it was the four typical patterns of cards.
I recognized the symbol after a minute. It was modeled on a visual from the movie "Monsters, Inc." where there is this huge area where conveyor clips-on-cables carry doors (rectangles) around.
Then I thought: cards. Cards! This is a clue. This is some symbolism that I think means the tarot. Why is it that IG doesn't just SAY it to me, if I need to meditate on something?
IG: You are not always open to 'new' information via audio. If you think you thought of it, you are open to it.
I looked at her with some droll humor and suspicion. It reminded me of my BF telling me awhile ago that it was just like a woman, that my IG was giving me ideas "that I would think were mine" for meditating on.
Me: So I feel sure this means Tarot. That I need to meditate on something Tarot. Thoth is the only deck I have handy. And I know nothing of it and aside from about 3 of them I vaguely remember, I don't even know what the cards are. Aside from 'Adjustment', and that meditation sucked mind you, I don't think I've even looked at one of them in eons. Maybe years.
I looked over at the playing cards moving around in the air beside us. I tried to 'see' one clearly. I had a flash of something..
Me: Wands.
My right leg spasmed violently.
I closed my eyes and waited, like in RV, for the next data point.
Me: Red. Feet? Seems like feet or print of feet, but also red.
Both of my legs spasmed more violently.
Me: Horse? I think.
My entire body spasmed wildly.
Me: For godssakes! And won't THAT meditation be fun I bet. IG, I'm having a hard time here. I can't get what card it is specifically. I can feel my body is so reacting it won't let the energy through.
IG: If you don't recognize it on just going through the wands of the deck, use Biogram. Ask for the abreaction when you reach it.
Me: OK then. God. That's -- sheesh. What a reaction.
I had the feeling that the card related to me and my past (eg the abuse element or something). Frankly I felt an odd sense of minor trauma just in the vague flashes of something I couldn't make out. I guess I should do that one before I get back to the other two with tonight's archetype.
Must sleep now.
PJ
Tonight I ran in to see IG, concerned I'd be too sleepy. I just hugged her. For the first time ever, I feel a sort of maternal sense about my IG. Maybe that is natural. Anyway I said, "I don't know what to work on. I don't want to do one of the things you give me that are so intangible. All my ideas seem kind of trivial or stuff I've done before. What is important, that I should ask for?
I had this sudden memory. Fairly recently my boyfriend said, "You know, it amazes me that you've done so much heavy duty internal work, and yet while you consider your weight a major issue in your life, you don't meditate on that." He's right. He doesn't care about it, but I do, and I guess it IS weird that I haven't made that a meditation point. Being fat ruined my life to a great degree, the way I see it, and blitzed metabolism that brought that on, kept it on, and makes it damn hard to lose (I've lost about 40% of it), just perpetuates the problem.
I thought that sudden memory was IG giving me an answer. So I said, "OK, I want to meditate on "my problem with extra bodyfat" now."
I sneezed violently.
I said dryly to IG, "Well that's gonna be quite the meditation I bet." IG seemed amused, in a good way, the first time I've got that sense from her.
I turned to see the arch. It took me a moment before I could see this round wheel-like thing, some flat shape sticking out of it. I thought a person was there somewhere but couldn't get them clearly.
My BF and I had been talking about "mental tools" in NLP (and designing them for RV use). I'd tried one before, 'tuning my head' so I 'saw' the frequency of the 'invisible' arch that turned out to be the (concealed) Bolehren. So I tried it again. I imagined an old ham radio-like knob in the center of my forehead but slightly lower, where I've perceived the 'third eye' chakra, and I assigned it to "fine tune visual focus" and I played with it until I felt I could see well enough.
The target was a man in a wheelchair. He was probably in his 35-55 range (I'm terrible with age guessing), overweight, with the big-belly style some men get (oddly, I'm not a man, and I don't have the belly, so go figure). His face was sort of red, and he seemed ... upset. Like the kind of man suffering sleep apnea without knowing it, who is a raging ranting bull at the drop of a hat. His wheels were kind of large and there was some odd flat rectangle things sticking out of them.
For once, I had the clear feeling that I could actually TALK with this arch. I don't get that often. I love it when I do!
Me: Why are you crippled?
Him: You! It's you! You do everything wrong! I hate you!
I was taken aback. He was waving his arms, trying to reach me to 'get' me but trapped in the chair. His face was now twice as red and he looked like he was just enraged. I wondered what this meant. Does this mean I hate myself? What do I do wrong? I decided to ignore his anger but stay out of reach of his hands.
Me: What do the things on the wheels represent?
Him: Adaptations. Extra balance and function. I build things to help deal with it all.
(I hoped dearly that this would not imply my programming websites, which counts as building things, was in some way related to my weight. I mean give me a break! I decided it probably related more to personality or physical adaptations.)
Me: Are you truly angry at ME?
Him: I hate you. I want to kill you!
He began swinging to reach me again and I stepped back again. He sat back, giving up, but looked at me with boiling resentment. I had the sudden overlay of this truly hilarious essay someone once wrote about meeting Martians. I'll dig it up tomorrow and post it.
Me: Well you have an odd way of going about it.
Him: Your defenses. Can't use a knife or a club. But I can make my weight such a burden it'll eventually pull you under.
Me: Hmmn. Do you relate at all to the "weight of guilt" I struggle with?
Him: The weight of guilt, the weight of body, in our case it's all connected, and there are other forms it takes.
Me: Well... but why do you hate me?
Him: I can't take any more pain. You don't protect me!
Me: Now? Or in my past?
Him: There is only ever the now for me. For you it's the past.
Me: But... why are you in a wheelchair instead of walking?
Him: I'm too weak to defend myself or get away!
Me: This is starting to sound like a child abuse energy frankly.
Him: NO SHIT!
I almost laughed. I've never had an archetype swear before! It was funny, but I didn't think he'd appreciate my laughing. I had a sudden suspicion.
Me: I love weight lifting. I have some emotional problem that interferes. Do you know anything about this?
Him: I am weak! I am not strong!
I sighed. Well that's kind of interesting. But it seemed to me the symbolism of my child self -- pretty severe child abuse in various forms physical and psychological around 9-15 age -- was operational here. What I don't understand is, although I was never skinny, I was never pointedly overweight until I gained over 200 lbs in less than 2 years in my early 20s. And the irony is that this is when I was finally FREE of authority figures. I mean, I was working 60 hours, commuting 4.5 hours a day on the 405 in Los Angeles, going to night school studying hypnosis, sleeping about 4 hours a night, only having time / place to eat once a day (Del Taco at 1am!), and in addition to serious chronic sleep deprivation, I was massively stressed out. So I can understand how those conditions led to major body issues--and ok, I can see how my childhood might have resulted in my seriously over-driven, self-punishing personality, true. What I don't understand is why my archetype for being fat wouldn't relate more to THAT era, rather than to the nightmare of my childhood. I mean doesn't it seem like I would have been fat IN childhood, if that was the source? Was the 'big scary angry fat man' some symbol more from my childhood perception of someone? I decided to quit trying to psychoanalyze myself since I was supposed to be talking to the archetype.
Me: What if I healed you, and made you strong?
Him: Strong enough to fight or run?
Me: Strong enough to rule the world.
He got rather still then, looking at me as if he were afraid to hope. I wondered how crazy it was that since the talk began I had a constant sense of different emotions coming from him. I wondered if this was another child overlay (children are so obvious to read). Then he said:
Him: "That would be good."
Me: I tell you what. You are SO special, I'm going to dedicate not 1 but 3 meditations just to you. I promise when we are done, you'll be Superman. Literally, if you want.
Him: That's... great. OK.
Me: For this first one, even just our talk will help some. And I'd like to shake your hand and trade energy. Can I come near you, without you hurting me?
Him: Yeah, it's ok.
I gave him a red cape and told him he'd be using it before long. I didn't really grok what he gave me, only that it was multiple things he put in various parts of my body, that felt like the parts "where my body pieces joined" -- each of my pelvic joins to leg, my shoulders where the arms join, my neck, and one in the middle.
We merged. I didn't feel any rush at all, but I "felt the merge" -- oddly, that is how I felt when I merged with IG that time.
I turned to IG. But before I could say anything, I had this visual. To my left (her right, I faced her), about 20 feet away, was something like a conveyor system that held from above, rectangle playing cards. Like 8 of hearts I thought I saw, but wasn't sure, but it seemed clear it was the four typical patterns of cards.
I recognized the symbol after a minute. It was modeled on a visual from the movie "Monsters, Inc." where there is this huge area where conveyor clips-on-cables carry doors (rectangles) around.
Then I thought: cards. Cards! This is a clue. This is some symbolism that I think means the tarot. Why is it that IG doesn't just SAY it to me, if I need to meditate on something?
IG: You are not always open to 'new' information via audio. If you think you thought of it, you are open to it.
I looked at her with some droll humor and suspicion. It reminded me of my BF telling me awhile ago that it was just like a woman, that my IG was giving me ideas "that I would think were mine" for meditating on.
Me: So I feel sure this means Tarot. That I need to meditate on something Tarot. Thoth is the only deck I have handy. And I know nothing of it and aside from about 3 of them I vaguely remember, I don't even know what the cards are. Aside from 'Adjustment', and that meditation sucked mind you, I don't think I've even looked at one of them in eons. Maybe years.
I looked over at the playing cards moving around in the air beside us. I tried to 'see' one clearly. I had a flash of something..
Me: Wands.
My right leg spasmed violently.
I closed my eyes and waited, like in RV, for the next data point.
Me: Red. Feet? Seems like feet or print of feet, but also red.
Both of my legs spasmed more violently.
Me: Horse? I think.
My entire body spasmed wildly.
Me: For godssakes! And won't THAT meditation be fun I bet. IG, I'm having a hard time here. I can't get what card it is specifically. I can feel my body is so reacting it won't let the energy through.
IG: If you don't recognize it on just going through the wands of the deck, use Biogram. Ask for the abreaction when you reach it.
Me: OK then. God. That's -- sheesh. What a reaction.
I had the feeling that the card related to me and my past (eg the abuse element or something). Frankly I felt an odd sense of minor trauma just in the vague flashes of something I couldn't make out. I guess I should do that one before I get back to the other two with tonight's archetype.
Must sleep now.
PJ
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Inner Turbulence
Every morning and every night I have tried to meditate. I hadn't actually gotten to doing so, though, since Sunday morning, and it was Tuesday night. Sleep is the easiest form of denial. Staying up too late so that's inevitable... sigh.
I made it to IG this morning despite several valiant inner attempts at distraction. I discovered a few daydreams that I felt emotionally impelled to go explore right now instead of meditating, but I recognize that by now, and refused. I wandered several times even once I made it to IG, but brought myself back.
A yogi I read once said that if most people in the West had bodies as uncoordinated as their minds, they'd be lucky to make it across the street alive. That's me.
So I grounded myself and really focused and really forced myself to be "here now with" IG and felt my whole emotional-body react. It was obvious to me, from the feeling, that I was specifically avoiding, afraid of, refusing, resisting, my Guides. By which I mean Taan, Nero and Bolehren. I had some substantial energy issues unresolved related to them that had combined to a blocky, spiky, dark unwillingness.
I had noticed earlier, without giving it more thought, that I had such an issue with the guides-thing that I pointedly told IG, "No more guides. I only want archetypes." Even though intellectually, I know The Four introduced me to the Consortium eons ago and I am supposed to be 'becoming aware' of all of them. And yet what, two years later, I've only just met 2 out of 3 (and there's like 12-16 or something) and I can barely stand even that. And IG basically forced the last two on me; I certainly didn't go looking for them in the Tower, with the Four, where I would have expected them to be. I feel like she 'snuck them in' under my radar to some degree. And while I trust her and trust that it's right and the guides themselves seem cool, still, inside my whole body, I just feel a sort of ... "upset" about the whole thing.
I can't get my head around why my insides react like this. My head thinks the idea of guides is kind of groovy. Ooh, aaah, cosmic, dude. If nothing else, it's a useful mental construct, even if it's only me talking to myself with a new name. What's the big deal? Why should it matter? Why is talking to an archetype or IG any different than talking to a guide? Why is 'awareness' of guides I already have so threatening?
Is it awareness of part of myself I normally avoid? Is it like psi, where the sudden expansion of awareness in scope leaves the ego trying to protect such a large territory-of-self that arrogance and paranoia result from its strain? (That's my theory on it anyway.) My mind does not have any "logical" reason for why my body and emotions react as they do to any exposure to my guides. Despite that I have a crush on Nero--feeling shy yet wanting to impress him every time I focus on him--despite that I really WANT to expand my awareness... I feel how I feel.
A long time ago, I used to pray fiercely for evolution. "I want to EVOLVE!" I would say with great powerful longing. (Best done with frankincense and myrrh, a fat purple candle sitting on your sailboard in the dark, inside your RV van conversion while the two kittens watch with wide eyes, perched on your guitar case, and Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison look on from their giant tie-die cloth posters.) Later, I felt I did 'evolve', radically, waaaaay too quickly, and I realized, as I said in Bewilderness, that I understood now why evolution was normally slower, and I didn't want to grow that fast ever again.
I wondered if I should have asked for something other than 'to evolve'. Maybe I would have got nothing but sweet happy stuff if I'd asked right. Maybe getting entities and aliens and occult and egyptian and celtic and modern symbols all in a bizarre collage was a side effect of my database query with a wildcard symbol. That will teach me to use boolean logic! Later I thought it reminded me of that great line from comedian Lily Tomlin, who said: I used to say, when I was a child, that someday, I'd grow up to BE somebody! -- ...now I realize, I should have been more specific.
The turbulence this morning was so obvious I immediately said, "Just give it to me as an archetype while I can still focus!" and I whirled around to deal with it as fast as I could, worried that with that degree of "inner jumbling upset" something would distract me.
The archetype looked like a very large fat insect with about a bazillion tiny little claw-things. I felt nauseated and disgusted. I called for Sun, Jupiter, and IG said, "and Venus" and added her, and I called for the Angelics, and they all willingly part-merged with me while I did a "monsoon-rain of love" upon it and us. It took a bit but finally it seemed to be smaller with less disgusting overlay.
Then we did a 'bright sun of love' as intense light against it, which (this is common for this kind of symbol) 'dried-out' the insect-like shell and made it fragile and prone to cracking. Then I brought in the 'severe winds of love' (why not?) and pressed against it from all directions until its shell cracked and it went flying off all over the place. I imagined that all those pieces got put in the waste disposal systems of my body and went back to it.
There were now three pieces, of three sizes. They were black and soft but firm, like large elongated eggs. Which felt kind of gross in a way, but much better than the initial arch had. I imagined sending "pure love energy" at their centers, and I asked the Angelics to help me do it right and trusted they would, as they were touching my back again, and I just kept pouring it into the three pieces until I could feel the smallest one starting to reach maximum absorption.
I kept pouring, and suddenly it hit some max-point and the whole outside sort of bloomed from the inside into a colored (pink or purple) fuzzy surface. That was novel. I looked at it for a moment, wondering what on earth it was supposed to be. I had the feeling that it was ok now--this was the final/good state of it. I wondered if that smaller colored piece was supposed to represent Bolehren, the smaller female of the guides.
I worked on the other two pieces. The slightly smaller one eventually did the same thing, except the texture and color were different; soft texture, but darker color, but I couldn't make out exactly what. It reminded me of remote viewing where often I sense something but it's fuzzy so I get the concept but not the detail. Then we worked on the last one, and finally when it inverted/bloomed/whatever, its texture was really long, like thick bear-fur or something. I wondered if this represented Nero.
I was still in a hurry--worried I'd space out in some fashion--so I grabbed something from inside me I can't even remember and put it into the middle of each of the three, and some part of them appeared in me, and I pulled them into me in a merge. The feeling was extremely mild. I'd hoped for better. But I did feel that the most severe part of my resistance has been dealt with and I won't have such an evasion of meditating 'lest I have to deal with my guides' anymore.
I had to work then so that was that.
My boyfriend and I were talking about how if you meditated even once a day you could still do 350+ per year, and as you can often do more than one at a time... well gee, if you spent a year making an effort for these, you could really work through a lot of stuff. We had been talking about how we wanted to do major body parts and systems, astronomy, tarot, every issue in our life, and how long that made the list, but if one really does this work consistently, you can get through quite a lot.
I don't know why I feel like, if I knew WHY I had such turbulence about my guides, that somehow I might feel better about it. Like at least it would make sense to my left brain. But I have the clear feeling inside that if I asked them, I would 'resist' their answer so much I couldn't perceive it.
If they are partially merged with me, does it mean I am afraid of myself? That reminds me of a quote from Bewilderness, when I really was. Wow, 13 years ago, and it still applies today as it did then, I guess.
I made it to IG this morning despite several valiant inner attempts at distraction. I discovered a few daydreams that I felt emotionally impelled to go explore right now instead of meditating, but I recognize that by now, and refused. I wandered several times even once I made it to IG, but brought myself back.
A yogi I read once said that if most people in the West had bodies as uncoordinated as their minds, they'd be lucky to make it across the street alive. That's me.
So I grounded myself and really focused and really forced myself to be "here now with" IG and felt my whole emotional-body react. It was obvious to me, from the feeling, that I was specifically avoiding, afraid of, refusing, resisting, my Guides. By which I mean Taan, Nero and Bolehren. I had some substantial energy issues unresolved related to them that had combined to a blocky, spiky, dark unwillingness.
I had noticed earlier, without giving it more thought, that I had such an issue with the guides-thing that I pointedly told IG, "No more guides. I only want archetypes." Even though intellectually, I know The Four introduced me to the Consortium eons ago and I am supposed to be 'becoming aware' of all of them. And yet what, two years later, I've only just met 2 out of 3 (and there's like 12-16 or something) and I can barely stand even that. And IG basically forced the last two on me; I certainly didn't go looking for them in the Tower, with the Four, where I would have expected them to be. I feel like she 'snuck them in' under my radar to some degree. And while I trust her and trust that it's right and the guides themselves seem cool, still, inside my whole body, I just feel a sort of ... "upset" about the whole thing.
I can't get my head around why my insides react like this. My head thinks the idea of guides is kind of groovy. Ooh, aaah, cosmic, dude. If nothing else, it's a useful mental construct, even if it's only me talking to myself with a new name. What's the big deal? Why should it matter? Why is talking to an archetype or IG any different than talking to a guide? Why is 'awareness' of guides I already have so threatening?
Is it awareness of part of myself I normally avoid? Is it like psi, where the sudden expansion of awareness in scope leaves the ego trying to protect such a large territory-of-self that arrogance and paranoia result from its strain? (That's my theory on it anyway.) My mind does not have any "logical" reason for why my body and emotions react as they do to any exposure to my guides. Despite that I have a crush on Nero--feeling shy yet wanting to impress him every time I focus on him--despite that I really WANT to expand my awareness... I feel how I feel.
A long time ago, I used to pray fiercely for evolution. "I want to EVOLVE!" I would say with great powerful longing. (Best done with frankincense and myrrh, a fat purple candle sitting on your sailboard in the dark, inside your RV van conversion while the two kittens watch with wide eyes, perched on your guitar case, and Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison look on from their giant tie-die cloth posters.) Later, I felt I did 'evolve', radically, waaaaay too quickly, and I realized, as I said in Bewilderness, that I understood now why evolution was normally slower, and I didn't want to grow that fast ever again.
I wondered if I should have asked for something other than 'to evolve'. Maybe I would have got nothing but sweet happy stuff if I'd asked right. Maybe getting entities and aliens and occult and egyptian and celtic and modern symbols all in a bizarre collage was a side effect of my database query with a wildcard symbol. That will teach me to use boolean logic! Later I thought it reminded me of that great line from comedian Lily Tomlin, who said: I used to say, when I was a child, that someday, I'd grow up to BE somebody! -- ...now I realize, I should have been more specific.
The turbulence this morning was so obvious I immediately said, "Just give it to me as an archetype while I can still focus!" and I whirled around to deal with it as fast as I could, worried that with that degree of "inner jumbling upset" something would distract me.
The archetype looked like a very large fat insect with about a bazillion tiny little claw-things. I felt nauseated and disgusted. I called for Sun, Jupiter, and IG said, "and Venus" and added her, and I called for the Angelics, and they all willingly part-merged with me while I did a "monsoon-rain of love" upon it and us. It took a bit but finally it seemed to be smaller with less disgusting overlay.
Then we did a 'bright sun of love' as intense light against it, which (this is common for this kind of symbol) 'dried-out' the insect-like shell and made it fragile and prone to cracking. Then I brought in the 'severe winds of love' (why not?) and pressed against it from all directions until its shell cracked and it went flying off all over the place. I imagined that all those pieces got put in the waste disposal systems of my body and went back to it.
There were now three pieces, of three sizes. They were black and soft but firm, like large elongated eggs. Which felt kind of gross in a way, but much better than the initial arch had. I imagined sending "pure love energy" at their centers, and I asked the Angelics to help me do it right and trusted they would, as they were touching my back again, and I just kept pouring it into the three pieces until I could feel the smallest one starting to reach maximum absorption.
I kept pouring, and suddenly it hit some max-point and the whole outside sort of bloomed from the inside into a colored (pink or purple) fuzzy surface. That was novel. I looked at it for a moment, wondering what on earth it was supposed to be. I had the feeling that it was ok now--this was the final/good state of it. I wondered if that smaller colored piece was supposed to represent Bolehren, the smaller female of the guides.
I worked on the other two pieces. The slightly smaller one eventually did the same thing, except the texture and color were different; soft texture, but darker color, but I couldn't make out exactly what. It reminded me of remote viewing where often I sense something but it's fuzzy so I get the concept but not the detail. Then we worked on the last one, and finally when it inverted/bloomed/whatever, its texture was really long, like thick bear-fur or something. I wondered if this represented Nero.
I was still in a hurry--worried I'd space out in some fashion--so I grabbed something from inside me I can't even remember and put it into the middle of each of the three, and some part of them appeared in me, and I pulled them into me in a merge. The feeling was extremely mild. I'd hoped for better. But I did feel that the most severe part of my resistance has been dealt with and I won't have such an evasion of meditating 'lest I have to deal with my guides' anymore.
I had to work then so that was that.
My boyfriend and I were talking about how if you meditated even once a day you could still do 350+ per year, and as you can often do more than one at a time... well gee, if you spent a year making an effort for these, you could really work through a lot of stuff. We had been talking about how we wanted to do major body parts and systems, astronomy, tarot, every issue in our life, and how long that made the list, but if one really does this work consistently, you can get through quite a lot.
I don't know why I feel like, if I knew WHY I had such turbulence about my guides, that somehow I might feel better about it. Like at least it would make sense to my left brain. But I have the clear feeling inside that if I asked them, I would 'resist' their answer so much I couldn't perceive it.
If they are partially merged with me, does it mean I am afraid of myself? That reminds me of a quote from Bewilderness, when I really was. Wow, 13 years ago, and it still applies today as it did then, I guess.
I don't mind being an archeologist on myself. I just want to know how to classify what I find. Is it a treasure or a virus? What will make me grow? What are the consequences or potential end results of the different ways of growing? [...] I simply can't be the first person to wonder this. I should learn astrology so I can blame being such a pinhead on it.
Bewilderness, chapter 13
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Cleaning Center Meds
I fell asleep before I could get anything accomplished in meditation last night. So today when I got up I decided to start my weekend cooking and once it was set, sit down and meditate.(I try to cook some for the coming week, things we can munch here and there without whole-meal cooking. Today it was Mexichiliburger Stew and Blueberry Flax Muffins.)
I let IG pick the first two archetypes--and I asked for archetypes. No more guides. I don't know why, but I really have a reaction to even the idea of guides let alone meeting them up close. I apologized to Taan last night for being such a jerk. For whatever reason I have some threat-issues with the Consortium, I have since the first time the Four introduced me to them. I couldn't even LOOK at them then, and I clung to the 3rd of 4 like a small child, it was weird. I'm intending to make "my relationship with them" an archetype and work on it. I'll get there, but I have three of them now and that ought to be enough for awhile I figure.
There was nothing exceptional about the meds. Just ordinary archetype work, not even very memorable.
Then I asked to work with a few planets because I knew they wouldn't be so intangible as the archs she happened to be giving me. She brought me Jupiter, Pluto, and then Ganymede at my request. The first two were just a lovely minor rush on hugging them. The last was nice but there was this odd thing; just to the side of us there was a big part of the ground that was all 'torn up and messy' like construction mess. So I cleaned that up and then hugged him. Ever since my RV session on him I am fond of him. It. Whatever. I have to assign genders to things or I have a hard time relating to them, I find.
I felt like I'd done enough archmeds and had the feeling I should do something else. IG suggested the Cleaning Center, so I decided to do one of those.
My normal way of doing them is like this:
1. I imagine whatever chair/bed I'm in is on my plateau and then I imagine sinking deeply into the underground, and then getting permission to 'port' through into a room down there. It's a big room, and all white, high ceiling, lots of light.
2. In the room is a tech who will bring me stuff to work on and answer questions. I ask him to bring me whatever most needs working on (unless I'm attempting to work on a specific body-part, then I ask for that). The tech brings me exactly THE part of the body to clean. Not an analogy or reference or visual; the actual energy of the actual thing. So whatever I'm doing is pretty literal. If there are 'many' and I want to work on one-focus and have it apply to many, he will make it holographic for me and that works.
3. On the floor of wherever I'm standing, sitting etc. is a fine grill. Underneath that is a sewage area. Everything washes down to there. Underneath there are special lights and chemicals that render everything 'inert'.
So he brings me whatever, and sometimes he sets it on a table in front of me, sometimes it is levitating in a column in front of me. And I just look at it and figure out what to do. Each time is different. Usually a whole lot of energy work with the water/light/chemical/etc. "of love" works but it depends. Sometimes I've had to summon actual tools, like a pick, saw, laser cutter, dremel tool (haha), whatever.
The body part may be a few cells or something; I have no idea what it is or where it is generally or the 'scale' of it. In the past, the 'thing' I was working on has had pretty much every possible configuration. Once it was a flat thing that had a bunch of tubes that clearly were supposed to come out of it and go somewhere, but most of them were smashed, some destroyed, mangled and stuck to the side. Once it looked like a black volcanic rock sort of and it turned out all that was a hard shell coating. Once it was really gunky with a variety of dark colors. Fuzzy, slimy, gunky, encrusted, matted, you get the idea.
Don't ever attempt to do these while casually eating or anything. I've never had one that did not eventually require the kind of deep nearly hyperventilating you do when you are on the verge of throwing up. Feelings of nausea, dread, fear, disgust are pretty common, to varying degrees. Sometimes it's fairly mild, I just feel kinda icky in the torso region 'a little' while I'm doing it. Sometimes it's so intense that every time I do a new thing or focus I'm nearly overwhelmed by a sort of dread-disgust-nausea and it takes a LONG time to get through because I have to keep taking breaks from the med.
Today when I dropped in I looked at the tech who is there and said, "OK, now I'm interested. Tell me, are you JUST some little facet of me, or are you 'more' energy that is a little 'other' too, like a guide?"
Tech: Some of the energy you think is you is just as much 'other' as you. But I am a little of both.
Me: Do you have some desire for me to do this meditation, or do you not care at all?
Tech: I'm here to help. I desire to help when you desire to heal. I don't have any attachment to whether or not you desire, though.
Me: I see. I haven't done this in probably years. Do you think I need to do these kind of meditations more often?
Tech: Yes. Definitely. Much more often.
Me: Do you have a name? I always just call you tech.
Tech: Tech works fine. (But I felt like "Tek" was the overlay of spelling.)
So I thought he was bringing me the thing to work on but he brought me thick gloves, a funky hard bib-thing that went all the way around where I was sitting and up to my neck, and then he puts like an oxygen mask on me with a tank behind. I started laughing.
Me: This is virtual. How much protection can I need?
Tek: The mental models matter, in this case.
Me: But you've never done this before.
Tek: You've never worked on this particular thing before.
Me: Alrighty then. Bring it on.
The 'thing to clean' was a large irregular blob. It had a lot of sort of pink fleshy color to it, white-ish, and a variety of in-between colors. The 'impression' it gave me was really bad though.
Me: This is really rather disgusting.
Tech: Yes, it is.
I worked on it with light and water and chemical and then I was able to see it was a bunch of pieces sort of stuck together. I imagined a laser-light tool that helped me separate each of the pieces, rather like long, two-foot fleshy-cloves covered with fuzz and yuck, and I laid them across the grille/grate I had in front of me. I felt some degree of body-reaction from that, but mild.
I put my hands over one and started visualizing working with its energy. It seemed difficult though and it was taking a long time.
Me: Tek, can I get help with this? Am I able to do it on my own?
Tek: You can always call for any help you want. But you are capable of the cleaning work on your own, with focus.
Me: Can I have the Angelics?
The twin white-on-white semi-light people appeared.
Me: I know you guys don't 'give' energy. But maybe there is something you could do to help?
I went back to what I was doing. They came and stood on either side of me, and each put a hand on my upper back near my shoulder blade. I was working with visualizing that the energy inside the pieces got golder, cleaner, and that anything 'bad' was broken down into smaller particles. When they added their hands on me, the energy turned to white instead of gold, and it seemed to work through things much faster, cleaner, with far less effort for me. I was able to get all the pieces done in much less time than I would have without them, and I thanked them for that. I washed everything down the grate, imagined it being made chemically inert and flushing into the sewage systems.
I didn't feel like doing more. So I 'ported to just above the room (in my chair) and then 'raised up' until my plateau was under me, and that was that.
I will come up with at least a couple of my own chosen archs to work with tonight. It is so much tougher for me when I let IG choose as, most (not all) the time, I am much less in rapport with it and I can barely discern it. I think that IG naturally chooses things that I have the least relationship with, as maybe that is what I need the most. But that means that the sense of tangibility with them is almost zero. (At least things I have a BAD relationship with, are vivid and/or kinesthetic enough that I really "feel" it.) Too much of that intangible stuff makes me feel it's too imaginative; I need stuff that surprises me and makes me feel stuff in my body, to really feel like I'm accomplishing something.
***
My personal feelings continue to change for the better though. My 'sense of well-being' has vastly improved since I've been doing archetype meds regularly. My sense of comfort with myself and the world in particular has increased.
I've been cleaner the last two weeks than I can remember being as an adult. Not driven to clean; just vastly more 'inspired' to keep all the little things clean around me that normally pile up fast.
My relationship to food seems to be changing. I had a wonderful burrito last night, I had room in my stomach for it (I'd already had one) and it tasted great and I wanted to eat it, but I felt as if Taan were telling me that my body would prefer I didn't. I sort of argued that and ate a few bites of it but the feeling was so strong that it simply "wasn't appropriate", that my body would feel better if I didn't, that I ended up throwing 3/4 of it away. I don't think I've ever done that before. I was irritated, because I wanted it, and it felt kind of weird to have that new awareness of his opinion.
Not sure how much of this I can attribute to the meditations. The changes are fairly subtle, low-level, yet fundamental enough to make a significant change in my life when combined and over time. I wanted to do at least a solid month of them. I started on 8/26. So I have awhile to go.
9/14 is my 43rd birthday.
PJ
I let IG pick the first two archetypes--and I asked for archetypes. No more guides. I don't know why, but I really have a reaction to even the idea of guides let alone meeting them up close. I apologized to Taan last night for being such a jerk. For whatever reason I have some threat-issues with the Consortium, I have since the first time the Four introduced me to them. I couldn't even LOOK at them then, and I clung to the 3rd of 4 like a small child, it was weird. I'm intending to make "my relationship with them" an archetype and work on it. I'll get there, but I have three of them now and that ought to be enough for awhile I figure.
There was nothing exceptional about the meds. Just ordinary archetype work, not even very memorable.
Then I asked to work with a few planets because I knew they wouldn't be so intangible as the archs she happened to be giving me. She brought me Jupiter, Pluto, and then Ganymede at my request. The first two were just a lovely minor rush on hugging them. The last was nice but there was this odd thing; just to the side of us there was a big part of the ground that was all 'torn up and messy' like construction mess. So I cleaned that up and then hugged him. Ever since my RV session on him I am fond of him. It. Whatever. I have to assign genders to things or I have a hard time relating to them, I find.
I felt like I'd done enough archmeds and had the feeling I should do something else. IG suggested the Cleaning Center, so I decided to do one of those.
My normal way of doing them is like this:
1. I imagine whatever chair/bed I'm in is on my plateau and then I imagine sinking deeply into the underground, and then getting permission to 'port' through into a room down there. It's a big room, and all white, high ceiling, lots of light.
2. In the room is a tech who will bring me stuff to work on and answer questions. I ask him to bring me whatever most needs working on (unless I'm attempting to work on a specific body-part, then I ask for that). The tech brings me exactly THE part of the body to clean. Not an analogy or reference or visual; the actual energy of the actual thing. So whatever I'm doing is pretty literal. If there are 'many' and I want to work on one-focus and have it apply to many, he will make it holographic for me and that works.
3. On the floor of wherever I'm standing, sitting etc. is a fine grill. Underneath that is a sewage area. Everything washes down to there. Underneath there are special lights and chemicals that render everything 'inert'.
So he brings me whatever, and sometimes he sets it on a table in front of me, sometimes it is levitating in a column in front of me. And I just look at it and figure out what to do. Each time is different. Usually a whole lot of energy work with the water/light/chemical/etc. "of love" works but it depends. Sometimes I've had to summon actual tools, like a pick, saw, laser cutter, dremel tool (haha), whatever.
The body part may be a few cells or something; I have no idea what it is or where it is generally or the 'scale' of it. In the past, the 'thing' I was working on has had pretty much every possible configuration. Once it was a flat thing that had a bunch of tubes that clearly were supposed to come out of it and go somewhere, but most of them were smashed, some destroyed, mangled and stuck to the side. Once it looked like a black volcanic rock sort of and it turned out all that was a hard shell coating. Once it was really gunky with a variety of dark colors. Fuzzy, slimy, gunky, encrusted, matted, you get the idea.
Don't ever attempt to do these while casually eating or anything. I've never had one that did not eventually require the kind of deep nearly hyperventilating you do when you are on the verge of throwing up. Feelings of nausea, dread, fear, disgust are pretty common, to varying degrees. Sometimes it's fairly mild, I just feel kinda icky in the torso region 'a little' while I'm doing it. Sometimes it's so intense that every time I do a new thing or focus I'm nearly overwhelmed by a sort of dread-disgust-nausea and it takes a LONG time to get through because I have to keep taking breaks from the med.
Today when I dropped in I looked at the tech who is there and said, "OK, now I'm interested. Tell me, are you JUST some little facet of me, or are you 'more' energy that is a little 'other' too, like a guide?"
Tech: Some of the energy you think is you is just as much 'other' as you. But I am a little of both.
Me: Do you have some desire for me to do this meditation, or do you not care at all?
Tech: I'm here to help. I desire to help when you desire to heal. I don't have any attachment to whether or not you desire, though.
Me: I see. I haven't done this in probably years. Do you think I need to do these kind of meditations more often?
Tech: Yes. Definitely. Much more often.
Me: Do you have a name? I always just call you tech.
Tech: Tech works fine. (But I felt like "Tek" was the overlay of spelling.)
So I thought he was bringing me the thing to work on but he brought me thick gloves, a funky hard bib-thing that went all the way around where I was sitting and up to my neck, and then he puts like an oxygen mask on me with a tank behind. I started laughing.
Me: This is virtual. How much protection can I need?
Tek: The mental models matter, in this case.
Me: But you've never done this before.
Tek: You've never worked on this particular thing before.
Me: Alrighty then. Bring it on.
The 'thing to clean' was a large irregular blob. It had a lot of sort of pink fleshy color to it, white-ish, and a variety of in-between colors. The 'impression' it gave me was really bad though.
Me: This is really rather disgusting.
Tech: Yes, it is.
I worked on it with light and water and chemical and then I was able to see it was a bunch of pieces sort of stuck together. I imagined a laser-light tool that helped me separate each of the pieces, rather like long, two-foot fleshy-cloves covered with fuzz and yuck, and I laid them across the grille/grate I had in front of me. I felt some degree of body-reaction from that, but mild.
I put my hands over one and started visualizing working with its energy. It seemed difficult though and it was taking a long time.
Me: Tek, can I get help with this? Am I able to do it on my own?
Tek: You can always call for any help you want. But you are capable of the cleaning work on your own, with focus.
Me: Can I have the Angelics?
The twin white-on-white semi-light people appeared.
Me: I know you guys don't 'give' energy. But maybe there is something you could do to help?
I went back to what I was doing. They came and stood on either side of me, and each put a hand on my upper back near my shoulder blade. I was working with visualizing that the energy inside the pieces got golder, cleaner, and that anything 'bad' was broken down into smaller particles. When they added their hands on me, the energy turned to white instead of gold, and it seemed to work through things much faster, cleaner, with far less effort for me. I was able to get all the pieces done in much less time than I would have without them, and I thanked them for that. I washed everything down the grate, imagined it being made chemically inert and flushing into the sewage systems.
I didn't feel like doing more. So I 'ported to just above the room (in my chair) and then 'raised up' until my plateau was under me, and that was that.
I will come up with at least a couple of my own chosen archs to work with tonight. It is so much tougher for me when I let IG choose as, most (not all) the time, I am much less in rapport with it and I can barely discern it. I think that IG naturally chooses things that I have the least relationship with, as maybe that is what I need the most. But that means that the sense of tangibility with them is almost zero. (At least things I have a BAD relationship with, are vivid and/or kinesthetic enough that I really "feel" it.) Too much of that intangible stuff makes me feel it's too imaginative; I need stuff that surprises me and makes me feel stuff in my body, to really feel like I'm accomplishing something.
***
My personal feelings continue to change for the better though. My 'sense of well-being' has vastly improved since I've been doing archetype meds regularly. My sense of comfort with myself and the world in particular has increased.
I've been cleaner the last two weeks than I can remember being as an adult. Not driven to clean; just vastly more 'inspired' to keep all the little things clean around me that normally pile up fast.
My relationship to food seems to be changing. I had a wonderful burrito last night, I had room in my stomach for it (I'd already had one) and it tasted great and I wanted to eat it, but I felt as if Taan were telling me that my body would prefer I didn't. I sort of argued that and ate a few bites of it but the feeling was so strong that it simply "wasn't appropriate", that my body would feel better if I didn't, that I ended up throwing 3/4 of it away. I don't think I've ever done that before. I was irritated, because I wanted it, and it felt kind of weird to have that new awareness of his opinion.
Not sure how much of this I can attribute to the meditations. The changes are fairly subtle, low-level, yet fundamental enough to make a significant change in my life when combined and over time. I wanted to do at least a solid month of them. I started on 8/26. So I have awhile to go.
9/14 is my 43rd birthday.
PJ
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