Putting Together the Puzzle

Oh man. I just remembered a bunch of what I talked with Nedmund about last night and then had like epiphany after epiphany and weirdly, ended up back where I began, but with this gigantically larger, deeper understanding of everything that's been going on with me internally for over a year now.

Heavy duty metaphysics.

This is another blog post I need to write but nobody needs to read because it's going to be LONG I can just feel it. I just need to walk through the words and get it fleshed out through myself so I better understand.

***

Last night, Nedmund told me that he dealt with -- this is hard to explain since it was a 'feeling, intuitive understanding-transfer' and not 'words' -- he dealt with all the energies for me that are in the spectrum of 'sound'.

This fried my brain a little trying to comprehend it, immediately. I'd just never thought of any guide 'dividing up reality' that way.

Me: You mean... you mean that the whole 'frequency bandwidth' that I associate with sound, you as an identity basically... constitute my... relationship with that.

Nedmund: ...basically. (I had the feeling he would have elaborated but I was not hearing very well and he didn't think I'd get any of it if he tried.)

Me: That's something I never even thought of.

I just sat quietly for a bit. This was a way of dividing up me and the universe I had not considered. So he was sound? What, was some other guide 'sight' or 'all things blue' or 'all things strawberry' or... ??

Me: Is it possible that "bandwidths of frequency" that constitute OTHER physical senses, are managed--I feel it's more accurate to say, 'are summed up in, for me'--by a so-called "Guide"?

Nedmund: Yes.

I meant, like some guide relates to vision and another smell and another touch. There are nearly 20 documented human senses already and probably hundreds more subcategories within those not to mention a bazillion 'subtle' senses that get into energy/psi-stuff. So... any of this energy spectrum can be cumulated as an 'identity' and interacted with, and I become more 'aware' of that part of myself when doing so. That is a much more... literal understanding than I had of guides before.

As for what they helped with, somehow, I had only considered 'concepts' before. Like guide-x might "help with a certain kind of relationships" for example. But this "implies" that guide-x is SEPARATE FROM both you, the other-thing, and the relationship, as if guide-x were an advisor of some kind.

But everything the guides tell me intuitively and literally, suggests that they are "quite literally the manifested energy OF all this". That means the me, the thing, the relationship, and (I hadn't thought until today) the senses, and the meaning-mapping for the brain, that is part of those things.

This is... different. I feel like I have to really THINK clearly to delineate this, as if normal levels of thinking are too course and fuzzy to get it, and I'm trying to 'turn up the focus' on the clarity of my mind.

***

I had never before considered that "a chunk of me + my-awareness-of + my-understanding-of + my-external reality" combined together could "be" an identity, a guide. I mean I I guess they keep telling me this but I never "got it" until now. And I still feel resistance and fuzziness about it. Now, that IS a little bit of how I understand archetypes. But guides seem like... more of "ME" whereas archetypes seem like more of "relationship between me and something else".

I saw a concept, "identity" like a chessboard of black and white men, black and white squares, and I could be any of the men I chose, or the board, or a square, or the air, or any percentage or combination... it was totally irrelevant: all identity is just a game: it is an arbitrary collection of consciousness assigned a title: it is form, which is actually not-form, it is all actually Nothingness.

from 'Bewilderness'

In my brain I'm so used to thinking of everything as 'representative'--separate. If I say 'the sun' the words are merely representative of the-actual-thing-the-sun.

If I have an archetype of my relationship with sun, the arch is the manifestation of the actual energies that make up 'our relationship'--which includes some of me and some of the sun quite literally but is dominantly the-relationship as a-thing.

But I had not thought of my guides in a way that fit with how they present themselves, that is kind of like archetypes except in a way more literal or perhaps more tied to the 'manifested-being' that includes every facet of my body, energy body, etc.

I had thought of them as overlapping with me, sharing energy. Mostly metaphysically. In fact I intuitively thought of it rather like I'd perceived me and the Four once, how all our chakras had merged and we had become 'that tree-of-life thing, in 3-D'. I thought, "OK, it's like the four of us comprise the human-spectrum of my universe" as that is what it seems with our relationships for various reasons.

So when they started introducing the guides, and it seemed almost like a geometry, a star-pattern, orbits-as-relationships, I thought that the Guides were probably other 'chunks-of', or other 'aspects-of', the universe. And actually I think this is so, it's just very different than I had thought of it because my definition of "me" in that universe had been both far too separate, and far too small. I AM the universe, I think, is what is trying to get through my brain. It's entirely possible that part of the planet Venus and part of a certain kind of jazz and part of things with an S-curve shape in them are all, actually, the SAME energy as is part of my elbow or my throat chakra.

(Semi-unrelated trivia I just thought of: I once had the distinct impression, years ago when I was experiencing things in this area, that Crowley upon death had deliberately and very literally become 'part of' a ton of identities. People who upon growing up, eventually were convinced they were 'him' in some previous life because, in effect, they all were. Just not 'entirely'. So we all dream of being some little part of him or some era of him. We all have relationships with Rose and Israel or at least most of us, because of it. We are all drawn to his work and "recognize it within us" because it's a tiny part of us. Once I understood that, I quit taking it so seriously. I no longer thought it had some profound meaning or that my current-life destiny needed to have any part of that. He is part of me like my elbow is part of me, and I like my elbow just fine and respect its place in my larger identity, but the decisions I make in this life belong to ME. He is a small welcome part of that, but I don't need to become a flippin weirdo, a power hungry control freak, or a ceremonial magickian, to evolve; those were his choices, I'm drawn to them because of the part of him inside me, but they are not my choices. I explored a little of all of those and then continued on my own way.)

Back to shared-energy and guides: Identity-wise, it's like 'my liver' as an identity is 'my liver', but "I" am also my liver (in part); that energy 'overlaps'--the liver-identity and the PJ-identity both "share" it. But I had not thought of Guides as being, for example, the energy of the liver, or even something more huge like the frequency bandwidth we categorize as sound, ye gods I can't even conceptualize what all that really means!--it overlaps with my body, but so much more.

I had thought of them as metaphysical, mostly. Like "Yea, and on some grand soul-level, there is more energy out there, and we both have part of it."

But I blogged just earlier and was reminded as part of it that I met a guide that was literally the combined energy of 'my eyes'. A GUIDE. A man. With an accent and personality of his own. A body-guide I called it and I relegated it to a completely different mental category than the guides I am meeting now. But he was basically the cumulative energy of a part of my body and he was a GUIDE, not an archetype.

I know. "Identity is an arbitrary collection of consciousness assigned a title." Still! This is so brain-crunching.

***

Now the idea seems to be that as I become more consciously familiar with these 'guides', that as they are kind of part of me -- important to realize, not limited to me, and existing in their own right, but "overlapping" enough in "shared energy" that it amounts to them also being "part of the larger me" -- that I become more aware of, and cognizantly able to deal with, "my fuller self". Or at least, parts of myself I didn't have awareness of in the past.

I've been kind of thinking of this in woo-woo metaphysical terms. Not bodily terms. But the body is just one energy. The energy body is so many others. And there are sheaths of energy body that extend from us. And probably whole dimensions that extend within us as well, popping out like physics bubbles that manifest and collapse like the freakily-different spontaneous dream-lings inside archetype meditations. So if Guides can be 'manifest of' the energy that is also our body, then. . .

I think part of this realization is that they are not separate. My psi, my rapport with Ganymede, and -- Jesus H. I just realized I actually have an ancient blog post called "My Liver Does RV." Some part of me in a tiny thread of way actually got this a long time ago. That my body and my reality and my psi [and quite possibly even the thing I am being psychic about (this part, obviously, would change with the target)] are a spectrum of the same thing.

***

IG said this was what I really, truly wanted (the Guides) despite my panicked avoidance of the 'awareness and introduction'. I recently read a lot of the Red Cairo and My Psiche blog histories (felt impelled to for some reason and I'm glad because there was so much I had forgotten), and the one thing that I see I have asked for repeatedly, and probably the only thing, is greater awareness, specifically greater psychic awareness. (Well ok and some related to my body/health/weight.)

So... I hadn't put it in this context or model before, but... maybe psi really IS physiologically-based, MUCH more than we give it credit for being. Not because the information necessarily is but rather, because even if a 'sense' exists in us, if we are oblivious to it, it's useless.

And even when we're aware of it, if we use it with the subtlety of a grizzy bear, then we're not going to get very much from it at all or we're likely to over-stereotype any data received from it (the 'pieces' of info are 'too gross/large' basically).

We only learned to see and hear and touch and taste and smell well because we grew up in a reality where we gradually were taught to perceive from those senses -- but only to limited degrees. Everything that was "outside the boundaries" of what our parents considered "reality" we were indirectly taught to NOT see (not pay attention to) as we modeled them. Some things in life, whether it's childhood or military combat or other unique threatening experiences, can open up our perception as a form of survival skill, either temporarily, or repeatedly enough to become habit. Even the existing senses (let alone many others that may "perceive and interpret and communicate to the brain, which then maps that energy to meaning") can hugely increase in scope and intensity under the right conditions (combat conditions and smell for example).

I've written somewhere before -- oh, in Bewilderness:

If you give a very young child a number of large colored beads and paste to make a picture with, you'll end up with a picture where the colors and sizes of the beads are intermixed; mostly just a glob of sticky beads. The child thinks it's a picture, but it doesn't look like one. Give these materials to a slightly older child, and they will usually separate the beads and use the contrast of color and size as part of the picture. The difference is not only physical coordination, but that the older children have had more training in how to differentiate and categorize the data they perceive. In this case, color and size. Because most people in our society can see, hear, taste, touch, smell, we are able to (whether deliberately or merely by association) educate our children into sharing the same interpretation of their perception as everybody else, and categorizing what they perceive appropriately. Confusing or multiple streams of data eventually become linear, recognizable sequences, quite separate from each other. [...some data about people perceiving 'aliens and entities' and being considered crazy for it, and sometimes genuinely clearly having problems...] But the point I am trying to make here is that whether the perception being twisted is regular eyesight or "astral" communication, the problem may not be with the perception nor the validity of the thing perceived, but rather the interpretive abilities of the receiver.

I have been more than aware that my nervous system is involved in remote viewing. I can literally feel myself 'shunting energy off' with physical abreactions at times. And feel parts of my body 'reacting' to data in some fashion.

Just in the last year with the guides I've started to feel the odd sense sometimes that something like interest or enthusiasm is "in" my body. It reminds me vaguely of when I first wanted to try squats (for weight lifting) and I was much heavier than I am now, and "my knees felt scared." Not my mind 'for' my knees; the fear quite literally seemed to be IN the knees; that was just so weird. I've sometimes had fear I clearly felt in one or more areas of my torso. Well I'm starting to feel a little more of that 'awareness' over time, as if maybe it has always been that way, but my internal model of emotions doesn't "allow" my knees to have them, so normally it would 'assign it' to some nebulous sense of "I" instead.

Or, rather like how my guides and I overlap and it's "seamless" so I usually think it is "me" thinking or talking when really it is as-much-them, I just didn't have my knees recognized as being their own identity of a sort. You almost have to have that concept before your brain can even conceptualize your knees feeling anything. Despite that even science will tell us that there is essentially "thoughts and feelings" -- the physiological elements that make up those things -- everywhere in the body, still we persist in thinking of all this as if they are all in some abstracted non-location. Not until I recognized that-part-of-myself as an-identity named Nero was I able to just sit down and have a conversation with it, send loving energy to it, etc.

A previous post from March 2008, "Psychic Pods" is where I explored, based on something I'd read in Ingo Swann's work, the idea that I had 'sensory receptors' for psi information inside me. It worked well enough to make me think there was something to it. I didn't have any idea what these might be but the archetype was pretty 'organic' in nature. Suggesting something physical and not just 'metaphysical'. Both McMoneagle and Swann have referred (in different ways) to psychic functioning being physiologically based. (And that obviously doesn't mean one has to be healthy since JM has had endless medical issues stemming from his long duration as a combat soldier, and other things. It isn't that general.)

Back in September 2008, "Taan and a Hostile Moment" is where I had this conversation (with Nero, about Taan):

Me: Well what's he really do?
Nero: He deals with your perception of self in relation to the world. How your energy interacts with the larger world and how you perceive yourself as related to that world.
Me: I thought he worked with my body. I had the feeling like, what it looked like, sort of.
Nero: That amounts to the same thing.
Me: It does not! Those are two completely different things!

What if they are not two different things? What if the definition of "me" and the definition of "the parts of me that do sensing" and the definition of "the sensing" and the definition of "the meaning/translation of the sensing" -- are, in fact, ALL basically just a rainbow-spectrum of the same thing? And so my body, and how it interacts, and how I perceive it interacting, are the same thing. It's energy. It only looks physical to our 5-senses that are in the same vibrational frequency. There's a larger spectrum of everything than what we perceive.

What if I'm not really separate from anything (whether it is 'sound' or 'psi-data-from-thingX-over-there'), but have just been physically and culturally geared to think of all this like a linear, multi-piece assembly-line of experience-in-separate-blocks, rather than just a 'spectrum' which is in fact all part of ME?

You can't control anything you consider separate from you. You have to 'bring it into you' and then you understand that the power and authority is yours. To the degree we consider ourselves separate from something we abandon our power over it. That's why archetype work is so powerful; when we accept it enough to really properly merge, we lose the 'separation' which is generally what is causing problems in our bodies, realities, etc.

***

I don't feel like I'm articulating this right. Let me try again with something simple and physical.

Let's say there is me. And there is... my guitar. And there is how I perceive the guitar, which relies both on physical senses, and on brain-mapping to interpret those senses. And there is how I play the guitar, and write songs on it, which call in all kinds of other slightly different areas, relating to everything from senses to creativity to physiology. And there is guitar as an archetype, music at large and as an archetype, on and on. Well I think of "me" as thing-1, the "guitar" as thing-2, my "physical senses" as thing-3, my "brain-mapping-of-senses" as thing-4, my "creative-interaction-with" it as thing-5, and there's like a dozen other steps in here (things6-18) that I'm leaving out that are more subtle (or I am insufficiently caffeinated to think of them).

Now let's say I pray to learn to better play, understand, whatever, my guitar. And along comes a guide who says they are here to help me better deal with this area.

I have been thinking of the guide as like, thing-19. An addition provided for me like a counselor or coach. They were 'part of me' in some cosmic sense like "I'm this huge invisible entity, and PJ's-body is just one teeeeny little speck in that, and they are part of some other, nebulously- abstracted- elsewhere-, part of the larger me, which can help."

But maybe the guide IS "the arbitrary collection of consciousness assigned a title" -- LITERALLY, "the combination of Things 1-18." Not just figuratively. Not representationally. But, like archetypes, that literal THING. Ignore that it seems like the guitar is there and I'm here so nothing could be both. We are nothing but energy, there is no time and no space, there is only that energy having a relationship with itself in some geometric pattern that makes it seem like it's a wooden object over there and I'm an organic object over here but really it's all just energy in one point of space and one point of time; reality is about 'relationships'.

Maybe the guide's name is allegedly Peter and he looks like a surfer dude and god-only-knows why, but the fact remains that he is not just overlapping with me/my energy in some abstract metaphysical way... he is literally, like an archetype but different, the SINGULAR-MANIFESTATION of that arbitrary-collection-of-consciousness (energy).

Jesus. Maybe I am really just the liver duct of someone way larger. HAHAHA.

***

I wouldn't have seen this if I hadn't written the long post earlier. It set up my brain in some respects and then after that I happened to be inspired to give someone a link to a page of Ingo quotes I collected and I reread them while I was at it.

He was talking about the "sensory receptors" as well as "sensory mapping". He's not necessarily talking about the 5 senses here, or even the nearly-20 or hundreds by other measures, but about whatever actual 'sensory perceptors' allow psychic functioning (which may be those, or others, or some combination, who knows). Here's a few quotes:

# The remote-viewing discovery work uncovered very delicate sense receptors which, when properly transduced into accurate intellect meaning resulted in controlled remote viewing. Thus, if perhaps not exactly so, the discoveries of the delicate sense receptors and proper sensory transducers must closely resemble the knowledge of the ancient Yogins and their concepts of the distant-seeing sidhi.

# Largely speaking, even the basic five senses are useless unless their sensory inputs are mitigated and analyzed by the intellect or some other analyzing part of the biomind -- after which a great deal seems to depend on the loads of information accumulated and actively contained in the intellect at the individual level and via which the sensory inputs are analyzed. . . The meaning here is that one's sensory receptors may indeed be receiving certain kinds of signals. But if one's intellect is not prepared to deal with their information loads, then the signals will remain invisible -- at least to one's non-sensitized, unaware cognitive intellect.

# [T]he thoughts one experiences are the end-products of the processes that produce them, and few are ever really aware of those processes. It is quite probable that the products of one's thinking processes are based exclusively in whatever sensory transducers have been formatted -- or NOT been formatted. The processes are therefore invisible and, usually intangible.

# [It] has often been deduced that people are trapped in the limits of their perceptions. But such is not actually the case. They are trapped within the sensory transducers which apparently produce the meanings which have been assigned to what they perceive -- and then only if they perceive it and actually have assigned some kind of meaning to the perceptions.

# Beginning somewhere before the 1970s, various researchers began to understand that the not only the neural nets of the brain process information. It increasingly became understood that the neurological networks throughout the whole bio-body itself also process information. And since the 1970s it has become understood that certain kinds of information are processed at the cellular level throughout the surface and internal organs of the bio-body.

# [Our] mental information processing grids must have information points consisting not only of sensory transducers, but also consisting of meaning transducers. If it is a case of becoming aware of gross and subtle signals, then appropriate meaning transducers must be established to cope with both kinds. And it must follow that the lack of such meaning transducers will leave what might be called "experiential holes or pits" in one's mental information processing grids. I prefer to call these "meaning defaults," though. . . . It is meaning which governs our understanding. . . . And meaning defaults will "mean" that we will not know or understand what has been experienced -- or we will either not experience it or perhaps know that we have.

# If we think only in terms of senses and/or sensing systems, then in very subtle ways we may be distinguishing between them and ourselves. It is true that we do "have" or "possess" senses and sensing systems. But something else is also true, and it is very important that it should be grasped. We ARE our sensing systems. And what we call "WE" or "US" or "SELF" is in some full part neither no more nor no less than our sensing systems are acknowledged, developed, and utilized.
-- Ingo Swann

I think the part that finally broke through my puny little mind was the idea that the sensing systems are as much "us" as anything else. I have often myself said that I think our bodies are as much spiritually us as anything else--we do not inhabit a shell (this is not a prison!), we "continually re-manifest an interface". That the energy of my knees is just as spiritual and specific as the energy of my heart chakra. (So, if I am fat, I am recreating this constantly; figuring out why or how to stop doing that, would result in a change in my physical experience.)

I thought of Nedmund talking about frequencies of sound and him being the guide for that, which almost cracked me trying to understand;
Then I remembered Nero suggesting that my actual body AND how I felt about myself related to others "were the same thing";
Then I remembered the meditation of the "psychic pods inside me" and the idea of those being psi-based sensory receptors but they were physical;
and then it all just hit me in a blinding flash that THIS IS WHY the Guides.

This is what they ARE: a vastly greater 'extension' of my fuller 'self' -- and more -- that I'll need to have rapport with in order to more effectively deal with psi.

So they aren't just me in metaphysical terms. They aren't just me in some cosmic star-pattern of greater identity (although it really does amount to that, it's much more literal and personal and physical and immediate). My projecting them into metaphysics is the equivalent of people projecting God into some guy on a cloud who is really nice as long as you don't piss him off and he'll give you a harp later if you do everything right. In short: it's a separation philosophy.

I should have realized how opposite that was. Everything they have been and even the Four are, is an INTEGRATION philosophy. They aren't introducing me to something new and different and elsewhere. They are introducing me to parts of MYSELF. They are the parts of me that I need to develop a relationship with because that's what I've been praying for: to be aware, to perceive, to interpret/translate. And as for appearing to be people and fairies and horses or whatever, I don't have an answer for this, except that (a) for all I know in some reality they really are, and (b) the whole point of a 'Guide' at all is for a RELATIONSHIP. So, somehow, it must relate.

"Personalization" as I've written about before. I cannot have a 'relationship' with some abstracted sense of nervous system components affected by a certain frequency of energy that is not perceivable to me consciously, which might literally be an element of psychic perception. Seriously! How obscure is that! But if all of that combines itself and shows up and says his name is Fred, THAT, I can have a 'relationship' with.

There could be literally infinite numbers of 'guides'. It's not like there are just me with 'The Four' and then some multiplication of that. I mean that IS real, but it's an "arbitrary division/compilation of consciousness" -- so other groupings, divisions, exist. (I knew that; I sensed that in an experience 14 years ago.) Everything exists. Everything is me but I am infinite.

It's not that they are more me than anything else (other guides) could be, so much as that they are more the parts of me that I have consciously chosen to become aware of and hence 'learn to better perceive/live through' -- because I specifically have wanted my primary development to be related to remote viewing (and, also but less often requested, related to my body and making it thinner so I'm not too shy or unable to to do many of the things I'd like to in life). Humorously, it may turn out that my desire for conscious psi functioning and my desire for improving my body have some overlap somewhere.

In fact now that I think about it, The Senior -- the Four -- brought them to me just after I had a very serious talk with them about Remote Viewing and said, in essence, I have paid my dues, I am READY, I deserve this, it is MINE, make it so! I never really grokked the two events as being related.

I just thought... I thought that we were going along just fine together and I was really happy about it, and then one day out of the blue I felt threatened to my very core-identity because all the sudden there were all these other people there that the others of the Four thought I should be getting to know. I didn't know them and didn't WANT to know them. Except now I see that they were me, and IG was right: this is exactly what I wanted to know, to learn, to do, to understand, to interact with.

In short, I prayed for an answer, and got "exactly what I asked for but not what I wanted." Hahaha.

So taking each day to "hold the hands of, concentrate on, imagine sharing energy with," each of my guides, is like attempting to wake up, clean off, sensitize, become aware of, and learn to interpret from, everything that relates to information in a certain range/block/category that guide is manifest-of.

***

Many of these... things, areas, whatever, I am so oblivious even to the existence to, that I could not possibly even ask for them consciously; my mind may not even be able to conceptualize (thanks to cultural conditioning and language limitations) how some things really work, or why, etc. The Guides are a 'conglomerate' of energy though -- just like I am -- they are complex and autonomous in their own right; and they contain, understand, are-OF, "pieces of the spectrum of me", "pieces of the spectrum of the universe".

Now to go back to the original concept I had for them: that they were essentially further, larger divisions of 'me' and 'my universe'. Like the Four are, combined, the human part of the universe (you could model this like the Tree of Life in QBL [Cabala] and its sephiroth); the larger number are, combined, a broader part of the universe. Different aspects of it, different 'ways of dividing and experiencing' it.

Nedmund is about 'sound'. Taan is about 'my body'. But they're not just abstracts or counselors. They are the named-identity comprised of the energies of thing-itself, both as it IS, as it is experienced, as it perceives being experienced, as it interacts as part of experience, because all of these things, from a larger perspective, are the same thing.

It's all just a spectrum of energy of the same thing. We choose to look at white light, and it inherently contains a rainbow of something, and all we see is red and green and purple of that rainbow, so we think it's totally separate things. We don't grok that not only is it 'all one', all part of a spectrum, but that the spectrum itself is part of an even greater one-ness.

I've said before that: The definition of God is I AM. Of the so-called Devil is WE ARE LEGION. Evolution is toward 'Singularity'. Consciousness is an organizing principle. Spiritual growth is like any other growth: you absorb into you what was already you but unrecognized, and you become aware of it, and via love (sympathetic rapport) and will (directed intent) that energy becomes part of your singular sense of identity.

And eventually you're not just a cell you're flesh and then you're not just flesh you're a liver and then you're not just a liver you're a torso and then you're not just a torso you're a whole person and then you're not just a person you're ... you're a Four, or a neighborhood or city, and then you're not just a city you're a continent, and then you're not just a continent you are Gaia, and then you're not just Gaia you are the Galaxy, and then you're not just the Galaxy you're the Universe... And then you hit the 'reset, game over' button and start again as an atom inside the molecule inside the liver of some woman in the Milky Way on Earth in North America in the midwest. Except I've only exampled the physical human spectrum which is just one of an infinite number of ways-of-combining consciousness.

The problem isn't that my perception is limited to that of being a human being. It's that my definition of what a human being 'is', is so profoundly limited, that even remote viewing makes me feel like some totally alien 'creature' that other humans could not possibly understand. The range of a human is utterly vast and diverse compared to what we know of it. I don't know anything but the most trivial, shallow, sliver of myself. When I encounter any aspect of who I really am, it feels alien; separate from the me-I-know-to-define-as-human.

My psychic perception is profoundly limited by the fact that I am oblivious to the physical senses and semi-physical [energy body] senses and maybe other senses I have even to DO the perceiving in the first place. Even if they work fine, I'm as oblivious to them as senses as I am deaf and blind sometimes to people in my inner world trying to talk to me.

And even if I were aware of the senses and the pure energy (information) they perceive, I still need to end up with a brain-mapping that lets me transfer that perceptual sense into meaning that I can communicate.

I want to view, I want to 'wake up and get to know' the parts of me necessary for doing this well, and it just so happens that they are a whole spectrum of "self" that I have considered myself separate from, not known, not wanted to know, been afraid to know because it took me out of my comfortable little 'box' that my reality fit in. I think that's why I've reacted with such strong fear to guides so far. It isn't that I feared them, it's that I feared myself.

I have a safe little boxed identity and expanding to include them wipes out that identity and builds a new one big enough to include them too. So of course the "I" am always afraid; the I is "ego" defending the territory of "identity". That's it's job, it's good at it, and there's a good reason for it to exist. But sometimes that just has to be set aside enough to make a substantial change.

***

Me: Nero?

Nero: I'm here.

Me: Why... why didn't you guys make this clear to me sooner, so I wouldn't fight it so much?

Nero: You have a lot of resistance. It took a substantial amount of our energy to weigh against that. A certain number of us needed to be present in your awareness. That's why IG has been forcing the introductions.

Me: And what do you work with me on again? (I felt myself 'resisting' and 'blocking' in the lower right of my torso. I can't explain how/why I felt it there but I knew I wouldn't be able to "hear" him if he told me. I felt as if he 'changed tactics' upon us mutually realizing this.)

Nero: Maybe some things you would not be able to easily understand even if you were told, even if you had internal concepts that allowed it to be told, and a language base that allowed you to translate it. That is why your guides are identities you can have relationships with on your own terms. Sometimes, they have much energy you will not understand, that you have no model for, or not exactly. In those cases, maybe you see a faery instead of a human, or a horse.

Me: Ohhhhhhhh! {Thinking} So maybe you are a manager of sorts, that I met you first, perceive you most clearly, love you most, and you seem to know a lot about this.

Nero: The way you model things, makes you want me to be that; a sense of authority; something in a pattern of heirarchy.

(I had the sense, not spoken, that if I wanted an authority or manager identity for Guides, I should be looking to Inner Guide or the Senior for that.)

Me: Is it ok that I love you unreasonably for something only in my head?

Nero: {smiling} It's fine.

Me: Can I learn to love all my other guides that much?

Nero: Yes.

I just sat here thinking for awhile, kinda spaced out.

So the guides really ARE, as I first envisioned, "pieces of the universe-which-is-me"; as if I had arbitrarily divided the universe of energy into a puzzle and they were each a piece.

But they are NOT, as I was modeling it, some distant, abstracted, metaphysical thing. They are of my body and my energy body as much as they are of the energies of my reality and my world as much as they are of the energies of astral, mental, and other 'psychic' realms, as much as there are of things I don't even understand.

And, specifically since that was my request, they deal with (a) all the parts of me [including physiological senses] involved in conscious psychic functioning (and how all this interacts with my reality), and (b) the parts of me related to my body (and how all this interacts with my reality).

When I set out to meditate on stuff related to psi sometimes and to tell The Four that I wanted remote viewing as my focus and skill, I guess this is in fact exactly what I needed. It's a great gift. Confusing, a little weird, kind of embarrassing to talk about, but the genuine and powerful expansion of self, or evolution, I wanted.

So it's definitely time to get more proactive about my guides and our relationship.

PJ

History & Environment Review, and Nedmund

For some reason, I think to kind of review and make it clear to myself as well as to anybody else, I feel like talking about the overall structure, environment, of my "inner world." And whatever the people are all over the plateau. And a new introduction to a guide loosely called "Nedmund" because I couldn't really get any closer to a name than that. This will be boring to anybody else, I'm writing it for me, so don't feel any kind of impelled to read this one lol.

The Sacred Space

When I first 'go to meditate', I 'unroll an inner world' that I imagine is kept stored in a microdot in my heart chakra. My 'sacred space' as I was taught to call it. Unlike most people's warm safe shady garden-like area, mine is a high plateau of stone, warm enough from a desert-like environ, but arid and windy up that high.

It's curious to me this is what I was most attracted to. There is nothing in my life experience along these lines, short of maybe a couple visits to the Southwest, which didn't make much impression on me besides the Grand Canyon being rather amazing.

I have often dreamed about being on Mars, in an environment a little like this in a way, except among 'ruins' of some kind. In the dreams, it feels like the ultimate 'longing for home', and things just impossibly big in some way, but everything there is millions of years of dead, creating a "lonely homesickness" inside me that is physically palpable.

I've had a lot of other dreams related to Mars that are just odd, from 'programmed dreams' of earth people having a future there (having been rescued by aliens :-)) to what you might call ordinary or metaphysical dreams that just touch on the concept (me and a certain friend [who is insanely psychic] are sometimes in dreams together about it, often with funny symbolisms like 'red tickets' to Mars and a lot of intrigue).

I feel very safe in this space. Nothing can come at me from anywhere really, but the sky, which feels pretty improbable and I'd see it coming. It's like a small space but totally open for my 360 degree vision around me. Kind of like the ultimate 'keep'-effect perhaps; my moat is over a thousand feet deep and wide is all. I won't sit in restaurants with my back to an open space -- I'm just not comfortable, I want my back to a wall -- so maybe this is some suppressed paranoia effect. Anyway, when I built the space that felt safest to me 20 years or so ago, that's how it ended up.

This environment, like everything else in my inner world, is subject to change, both deliberately and seemingly autonomously, and a little of both. ('Imaginal' is what that 'combination of both autonomous- and intentional- is called. Not imagination, but that + a totally separate-from-you thing that combines for some third-realm. I consider most of archetype work to be "imaginal" in that definition.)

The Plateau

When I roll out the inner world, I am sitting or standing (in whatever manner I am physically) on my plateau. The ground is rock with a thin layer of a sort of dirt that is just the powdered crumb of rock, reddish-brown. I actually found a picture by accident one day that so reminded me of my "sacred space" that I bought it and made it the background for my first esoteria blog, Red Cairo. In this picture, the place where I am centered/appear, is about in the middle of the block of plateaus near the middle-left of the pic, the part where they seem to kind of join together more. Off to the rear of that group (the continuance of the cliffs) is where things develop for me in that outer-world--the plateaus kind of grow to just be a flattop area.

In the right of the picture, "the rest of the world", my back is to that when I appear. I've never explored any of that.

To the left of the picture, that is what I'm facing, the area I go into to find my 'cave' and through that, yet-another world that is my 'Archetype'/Inner-Guide area. That is like a 'valley' of sorts that I look down into from my plateau. On the far side of the valley, the cliffs change to mountains.

I got this picture from Fotolia, which I recommend as a fabulous and affordable stock photo site, but I lost the artist/copyright name and haven't been able to find it even on their website to add it. It was titled, 'Surface of the Fantastic Planet'.

I really like heights (which is odd, I know). It was almost surreal how much this fantasy picture looked like what I had visualized a decade prior, although more from the first-person 'on top of those central plateaus' perspective, and mine didn't have all the 'extra' plateaus around (or the giant alien sun/moon lol).

Anyway, the plateau is a lot more extensive now. Originally it looked a lot like the picture. Just one of those high rock-plateaus. Eventually, over at the far right of it I found this giant 'trench' as if between plateaus or a break of sorts. On the other side of the trench, some ways off, I built a house. Deliberately, as part of a meditation exercise. It was two stories and had a huge front door.

Dor

I later recruited an energy-block I had found inside myself, turned it to MY side, seduced it by telling it that it could be a door instead of a wall and play BOTH roles, evolve, if it would work with me instead of against me. I named it Dor and used to have relationship with him. He was interesting and could "give me insight" that made me gape with astonishment, very impressive. He wanted energy as trade, which was ok with me.

One day The Four just 'disconnected me' from Dor, and made me take off the pendant I wore (that he'd requested and I'd had made as a physical anchor for his energy). They did not feel it was appropriate or allowed he hang out in me. Go figure. They didn't even give me any argument room. It just "was". Later I thought that perhaps it was not healthy or something and just needed to be done; he was an 'internal attachment', an entity created by other entities; not an innate part of me.

The House

Every day I would fly out to the house on the other side of the trench and sit on the couch and imagine talking to an 'outer guide' or two. It 'sort of' went ok. I could not directly hear or see them, but if I "relaxed and allowed" I would get the "intuitive understanding" following anything I asked.

I used to do archmeds daily and when you are consistent with these, let alone if you do them in a slightly altered state, the results are something you just have to experience to even believe what's possible. This work becomes a literal virtual reality, where the characters (and structures and environment) are "autonomous" and everything just surprises the shit out of you constantly and is amazing.

As time went on the house got busier. It looked like the Star Wars bar scene! All kinds of weird alienish, faeryish, creatureish, animalish, machineish, critters-people-things all over the place. My house was the hip hang-out for things even scifi has never dreamed of. The funny thing was that most of them didn't pay any attention to me, it wasn't like they were all there 'for' me or anything. Maybe the house was such an energy beacon it just attracted passing identities, who knows?

There really WAS a 'bar' at the far side of the house, and it functioned kind of like a saloon/hotel, with rooms upstairs and more. It was really pretty astounding after awhile, as if it was totally growing without even awareness on my part let alone anything intentional. I would just walk in and it was a little larger and had some new area, like a lucid dream but more... consistent.

All I know is that it was really, really amazing, and while the inner environ was constantly in flux, the overall environ was consistent and got "more real" all the time. All of this work is building thoughtforms of course, so the more regularly and intensely you put energy into them, the more powerful they become.

Things changed and I didn't meditate for a really long time. When I went back, the house was no longer vibrant, had a 'black and white shades of grey' old-photo feel and was forlornly empty and dusty when I went in. I wandered it and then sat alone and nearly cried. It was like going back to the house you grew up in and instead of your whole family-friends you expected, finding that everything and everybody had been wiped off the map and it's a condemned shell in a ghost town. I vanished the house and ignored any 'other possible areas' of my plateau for years.

The Castle

Then one day, during a period when The Four and I were interacting a lot, I saw this building, down on another plateau separated and on the valley side. The plateau was tiny, literally the building took up the entire space on it and you had to fly to get to it. It was like a single-room of some ancient white marble-esque structure, open on all four sides, somehow both minimist and elegant while also being impossibly opulent.

It reminded me a lot of the paintings of [still looking for his name here] in some way, he has these white castles in the sky with surrealist stuff. It was as if THEY had put it there, NEAR my sacred space. I went down to it and inside it--and to my mind came an overlay from verse, #51 in chapter 1 of Liber al vel Legis that reads:

There are four gates to one palace; the floor of that palace is of silver and gold; lapis lazuli & jasper are there; and all rare scents; jasmine & rose, and the emblems of death. Let him enter in turn or at once the four gates; let him stand on the floor of the palace.

I've often wondered if this verse has some mild reference to 'the Four'; if I could not merge and be all of them in our groupsoul, how could one enter 'at once the four gates'? But maybe I'm just so desperate for any written-philosophy that matches my experiential-reality that I am stretching it a bit.

I went in and I don't remember the meditation, but the next time I unrolled my inner space it had changed again, and radically. The 'trench' had vanished. The separate tiny plateau with castle-room had vanished. And over to my right there was now this huge walled garden that stretched out for eons, and I followed it until I reached the outer landscape of a castle in the distance. (The garden is not there now unless I request it. I had many experiences there but then it just went away.)

There is a really long, shallow pool that stretches probably about 1/8 of a mile from the garden [far right of me] to the castle proper. The bottom of it is a multi-colored stone mosaic in a 'double helix' DNA-looking pattern -- 2 of 2; The Four. (I had never thought of DNA or genetics related to The Four until then.) I see it when I fly over it toward the castle.

The Tower

The castle is where 'The Four' are centered. We each have our own area in it. Up near the top, there is a big round room called 'The Tower'. (There are actually separate higher towers of the normal sort around the castle, but this is inside it, in the middle.) The Senior had told me to "come to the Tower" but I didn't know what he meant, except that it was in/on the castle. I wandered the castle until gold light arrows appeared in the air in front of me, and literally led me through it, and up a big spiral staircase, until I reached the tower room which is up high.

Inside the tower is a huge symbol on the floor I've never looked closely at (waiting until it 'spontaneously' shows itself to me, so that my mind won't make it into something imaginatively). As "The Four" we are always there; it is a matter only of whether I am 'paying attention'. That is like the anchor place for us 'inside me'.

I usually go to my mate and wrap my arms around him, and put my head against his chest and just relax and breathe into him. The Senior and The Queen as I call them, the other 'higher' couple of our Four, are there and sometimes talk to me/us. They are 'holy' and although in one way I feel part of them and comfortable with that, in another way I have a sense of respect-AWE for them that makes me a little more inhibited. Inner Guide can be there if I ask for IG but is not unless I ask.

The Four insisted on introducing me to a whole group of other guides there at one point, which for some reason deeply upset me. I held onto my mate like a scared child and refused to deal with them. Eventually, unwillingly, and with IG's help, I shook their hands. Aside from Nero, who had showed up in a remote viewing session (but not part of the target, I knew) just prior to that, I didn't have any conscious clarity on any of them. Then I avoided the tower.

I started hanging out 'outside' it, a roof-like area of stone (the top story of the castle, which is outdoors). Since I refused to go in there, a lot of stuff "came to me" outside instead. There were some meditation experiences stemming from that, and I did a little archetype work inside the tower, but I have avoided the castle since that time. Even when I go to my 'sacred space', I am aware of it in the distance, but I avoid going there.

The Senior tells me I should be going there regularly to work with them. I know he is divine and that not obeying him is just crazy, but I have such resistance. I didn't want to meet all the people he seemed to want to introduce me to. I feel threatened by that.

It feels as if they are 'the next geometry out' of the Four, which is why I assume something mathematical and that perhaps there is like 12 or 16 or something like that, but I really don't know. The understanding I get, if this is accurate, is that somehow the more consciously aware I am of them, the more awareness I technically have of 'myself' because they are and/or represent energies that are also-me, and the more 'inherent power' I have as a result--control over my larger self of energy.

I am not real ambitious at this point in my life and it feels like Nero, the Four, pretty much everybody inside me, seems to have a lot higher expectations of me than I am living up to.

I haven't been to the tower in a long time. It doesn't appear that avoiding it helps, since IG promptly started stuffing Guides into my experience as if the Senior had told her to; there is no escape!

I might add that I think the reason I react so badly to this, with such fear and resistance, is that it's a form of death. The definition of "I" is seriously expanded -- that is to say, changed, hence obliterated and rebuilt differently -- with every new 'part of me' that I have to extend the "umbrella of identity to cover". Literally, it threatens the very core of my ego.

Outer Guides

When I unroll the inner world, I always have a sense of 'people there' who are 'around me', spread out all over the plateau. Sometimes I sense a few, sometimes many. The more 'regularly' I meditate, the more there. When I plan something major in meditation ahead of time, or am unusually emotional, more are there. Nero and others can be there or not as I choose.

The woman who taught me shamanic workings of various sorts, including archetype meditations (although (a) she based this on Steinbrecher's book so some I got from him, too, and (b) of course this 'evolves' with the meditator themselves over time), she called all these people "outer guides", as opposed to the singular "Inner Guide" that, from my 'sacred space', I would go through a cave to find. I don't know if 'outer guides' is the right label for them.

One time, I invited a so-called 'outer guide' from there (a woman I knew named them this), into an 'inner guide' meditation. He seemed blown away by the experience, which I found interesting. The next day when I went in there was an entire crowd that wanted to go, that he'd invited--it was like a college class of young men or something, totally rowdy with energy, I kept having to tell them to settle down.

So there seems to be a real difference between the 'identities' I was taught to call 'outer guides', and my actual Inner Guide (one identity, but it changes out from time to time), and 'Archetypes', and The Four (like a group-soul I think), and what I call my Consortium (initially I called them the Coalition), which is a bunch of people that are (a) extensions of The Four and (b) apparently 'Guides' in the typical sense. They tell me that I and they 'overlap' in energy, that we are meant to operate seamlessly and that much of what I think comes from or is 'me' is as much them. I find it all confusing but I'm getting better at accepting it.

I don't know what that leaves for the people on my plateau to be. They don't seem like any of the above. This would all be so much easier if these entities would fit into the little categories my culture already has. Then I'd have some decent model for them.

Instead I usually have the experiences and then struggle to find a way for my brain to handle it and know how to label it and relate it to everything else in my experience. Wouldn't you think there would be more written down? Aside from Jung and Steinbrecher and Jane Roberts -- all dead now, and their work related to my stuff but is not quite the same -- who writes about this stuff??

It is pitiful to imagine that someday in the future, someone will have nobody but me, some nobody-blogger, for shared experience on these things. Surely there are far more qualified, better written, more experienced people who ought to be documenting some of this stuff.

Body Guides

When I sink into the ground atop my cliff for various body-related meditations, there's a whole other cast of characters.

I once was taken on a tour of one of my eyes. I arrived in a slightly wet dark dank area, and met a frog with huge eyes. He opened a big trap door staircase in the ceiling for me and made it clear he could not go, just me, but that I needed to climb up and go to the end of the hall it led to. I went up it and then walked down a hallway, ignoring the doors, and a door at the end opened. A lizard-guy made entirely of ice (yet dry) was like a silent guide. (He appeared at the end of the meditation as well, and then melted into nothingness.)

He took me to a man with a beard in a suit and a british accent. That's hilarious. I guess I must have some association with men in suits with british accents that worked well for that energy. The man showed me around the eye. Told me that he was, get this, "the collective representative identity for the energy of my eyes," how crazy does that sound. He told me they needed more hydration and I literally signed a scroll for him officially authorizing a larger allotment of water intake to his area. I told him that he made it seem almost like "body politics," competition for a limited natural resource as if it were money, and he said dryly, "You have no idea."

The eye -- seen from the back I believe -- in that perception was mind-bogglingly fantastic. It was like the most complicated computer graphic scene in a movie EVER but in 3D (at least). There was this small part-rounded, short (few feet high) 'wall'-like area at the side of the room, and we went over to it and looked over it -- it was totally open beyond that, no floor, as if we were at least a few stories up.

The space went way down and some ways down was this gigantic round (galaxy-like, sorta) collection of individual buckey-ball shaped slightly-convex thin 'plates' and they were all in constant motion not only individually but also moving slowly around together (but irregularly together, like water molecules in a tide). There was something akin to a metal bucket filled with fluid at one side that I decided was my symbol for part of a tear duct maybe.

The 'concept' slightly reminded me of a big radio telescope made from a million little mini-telescope-plates except these really were individual with a slight space between them and the whole thing had that "elegance of divine technology" feel that some body-based remote viewing targets have had for me (like one I did on red blood cells).

But that's something akin to body-identities so that isn't a 'guide' either. I guess. Long ago in one of the most profound experiences I've ever had, a realization came to me: "Identity is an arbitrary collection of consciousness assigned a title" -- that it could be infinitely combined or separated -- and my experiences with my body, such as the eye I mentioned above, and such as 'Captain of the Guard', make me think this must be true.

Maybe we are all many things on many levels and all at once.

I have had other 'body-type' experiences and I usually sink into the cliff for them as if the plateau overall represents my body.

Back to people on the plateau

Very little that I do seems to affect the people on the plateau, so a lot of my inspiration for trying to send them energy or something has faded. I really just don't know what to do with them, who they are or why they're there. I assume they're related to me or why would they be present. I think of them as 'guides' sort of, but some I apparently have no interaction with to speak of. There are more of them when I'm doing 'regular' work or when I have planned something serious in advance.

At times I've held hands with some and attempted to introduce myself. I "go deaf" and "blind" when I try to very consciously talk with them--this is my own denial. I am only gradually, slightly, working through the same problem with everything in the archetype area. Getting better.

Once upon a time, a man named Brin was out on the plateau, and Stet -- 'outer guides' it appeared. Them, I perceived, much like I do Nero. Brin I once actually saw and heard as clearly as I would someone in regular life, one day, and I freaked out about that. A short time later, I spontaneously 'released' him--an intuitive act, I was just letting it roll -- so he disappeared, delightedly enough to nearly hurt my feelings.

The strange thing was that I had two cats when I met them, both big males, one half siamese and one a ginger tabby. Brin and Stet were asian and something akin to "an auburn cowboy" which hilariously fit the cats. I would never have noticed this sync if it were not for the fact that the siamese's name was Brynner (after Yul Brynner the actor) and I called him Bryn. He disappeared right after I 'released' the guide Brin. Sometime later, the tabby disappeared, and I expected he would come back--he did once a couple months later for half a day--then vanished again, and I haven't seen Stet inside since then either (and much like the cat he sort of faded away without comment).

Now the thing is, part of me thinks, "Ok then it's all fantasy, you're just very creative, that just proves it." Another part of me thinks, "It makes sense that your guides would partly-manifest in your pets, to physically anchor their energy." I haven't noticed any correlation between my pets and other so-called guides. Then again aside from Brin and Stet I have not met anybody clearly who seemed in quite the same category they were.

Maybe it's my idea that everything needs a category and label that is part of the problem. Maybe we have an infinite number of relationships and they span a "spectrum" not easily labeled.

Nedmund

Last night I forced myself to act responsibly. IG has told me repeatedly that 'consistency means more than quantity' with meditation. So before I got too sleepy I made a point, for the third day in a row, to drop into my other-world.

Because I didn't blog it promptly, I've forgotten nearly all of it. Suffice to say though that it went more positively than any meditation I've done for awhile. I felt a bit odd, going into it. Happy. Relaxed. Huge sense of humor.

So I said alrighty IG, give me whatever you like, feels like it'll be a guide right! I've never felt so totally ok with that as I did last night.

I worked on his name for awhile and still am not sure that is right. The problem with this is that it is energy not alphabet that is given me. So the name is like 'Edmund' 'Redmond' 'Bledland', and yet, the sounds of "ed" and "und/and/end" are supposed to be 'together' not separate, and the flat-'ed' sound is supposed to be twice-that, and there are a little taste of some other letters in there and -- I run into this in intuitive writing/speaking, dang it -- there are a bunch of "letter-sounds that do not exist in my language" but which the energy needs for being manifested.

It really makes me wonder what effect language has on the creation of reality. Do we limit our energetic creation in part by how we limit our language?

In words we can only stretch things out in TIME; we cannot "intensify" them, if you see what I mean. So something that "should" be one syllable with several flavors, dimensions, sounds, intensities, instead has to be multiple syllables, which is both way too shallow, and way too extra, and just--wrong.

Everything that is a guide-name is a little bit wrong and may or may not sound anything like a real name as we have them. So that's why some sound so silly. It's just my pitiful translation.

I do recall now that he was really close to me, inches away, male, I noticed his eyes a lot. I asked him why he was so CLOSE to me (really in my personal space like inches from my face) and he said he wanted to be sure that I was aware of him. He took up the space to my front left, kind of opposite Bolehren.

Jared and El Niño seem to be the rear-guard; they have kind of taken up the position behind me. I like them there. For some reason that seems strong and secure. Like I have the calvary at my back or something.

I totally forgot that I talked briefly to Jared again last night while in there. I asked him why he had never had the helmet I associate with the Roman Centurions. He said he doesn't need it here. I asked him why he isn't wearing chain mail and he said leather works fine for him in this place.

Nero did say that these 'positions' the guides take are not as literal and meaningful as I am assigning them, but do have some small meaning at least. I think it helps me to use this approach though, because then everyone has a place, a name, I can fairly quickly be 'aware' of each of them without forgetting or getting too confused.

Finally

I feel like I've been kind of pushed to walk through all this as a sort of history summary. And a sort of "OK, we've recapped, now start from here, move forward more proactively now, and RETURN TO THE TOWER ALREADY" message from the Senior. Sigh. Alrighty then.

I guess since avoiding the tower did not spare me having to deal with the 'other-extensions-of-us' located there, then there is no real reason to avoid it anymore. I belong as part of The Four.

Next meditation... I'll take IG to the tower.

PJ