I saw the Senior more clearly last night than I ever have.
Earlier I had decided to do something about the ongoing randy energy I'd had for days and, since I have no conscious relationship with (the Aeon) Hot Amanakhaton, I gave him that energy. During that event I felt like I had more awareness on his part, more interaction, than normal. It worked well enough, which is to say that it was about to be really fabulous on climax and then the energy was GONE given to him. It's so weird how that works. It certainly takes the fun out of it at that point!
Later I went to the tower, I felt I should for some reason. I felt more 'aware' of all the three of them than usual. And then there he was, the Senior. I was just stunned that I could see him so well. Most the time I can't see him at all, or barely a sense of him, except rare flashes.
I said, "But-- but-- but you're a white guy, how did this happen? Last times I thought I saw you, you were --" and he changes and he is the guy I remember: really tall, with the dusky skin, the sense of 'vaguely red, vaguely asian' that I think our people sometimes encounter as a type of alien. I realize that of course we are many people and the others, especially he and the Queen, can be in any form they choose. He shifted back to the other form and I 'felt in me' that this was because this guy was more 'normal' to me.
Me: Why is it that I can see you so clearly all the sudden?
Senior: Your work with {HA} opened up more conscious communication areas.
Me: But what does he have to do with you?
Senior: He has to do with YOU. The more of yourself you are able to bring into your awareness {through your work with them}, the more of yourself you are able to perceive in the energy that we {the four} share.
So maybe that's why a couple times after bigger experiences with one of the Consortium it seemed like I was suddenly having more of the Four in some fashion. If the consortium somehow compose me then more integration with them means more of me available to me. I guess it makes sense that the Senior would have brought them to me for working with, considering that; it's a way of bringing me closer to the Four.
I was so awed and flattered he was letting me see him so plainly, and so happy that I could see AND hear him just like someone present with me, and I felt like I had so much I wanted to talk with him about, now that I finally could -- but I couldn't remember any of it. I couldn't even think of a question to ask him!
Geez, that is about what happened with the Private Oracle recently too.
I felt closer consciously to the Queen than usual too.
I went to my mate/twin and hugged him and then realized that I usually don't see his face. Not because I can't, so I'm not sure why. I focused on his chest and really aimed my intent and focus and that came into clear view. I moved my focus up his body and over his face just a few inches at a time, seeing him more clearly than I have in eons.
I thought of the bridge. A couple years ago I guess it was, I was doing a lot of inner world stuff and I can't remember if it was IG taking me to it or what, but I came to this "bridge of me." It was a really big bridge, the metal kind that go over a major waterway. But at one side there was a gigantic hole through the bottom and there was various falling-aparts and holes and weakness throughout most of the structure. The integrity of all the metal was fine, excepting a few beams on the bottom in bad places. But all the rest that made up the 'floor' of the bridge had some serious issues. I had been working on healing and fixing it when my mate/twin showed up directing a whole workforce of guys. I had a slight overlap with the Queen then, which I didn't even realize till just now. Anyway he was responsible for the massive job actually getting done.
I realized my thoughts had moved us and the Four of us as one stood on the bridge. "He did this," I said, impressed with him and proud of him. "He fixed this whole thing!" And then I wondered, "WHY would he do that, if it was my bridge, maybe the Queen's in places, not his??" And they felt (so I understood) that we 'share' energy as literally as I perceived the first time I ever met my mate/twin. I don't know that I have any energy they don't. But my mate has some I don't. And the Queen has some he doesn't, and the Senior some she doesn't. We are less like four separate things that combine to one, than "nested spheres", like a Russian doll, and each larger one contains the one inside plus is something more. That means that since they all 'contain me', that any problem with me IS a problem with them, too. Their own... evolution, for lack of a better word, includes the need for mine.
I fell asleep so whatever else happened I don't recall.
This morning in the Aeon round, Hot Amanakhaton was no more merging or responsive than normal, go figure, the ingrate. Yes I know he is a giant statue but still. The round was nothing to blog about, not even merging senses except the tiniest bit with Ithikah.
I went back to the tower. I did feel more clear with all of them than usual but as I stood in the center and the three of them stood together to the side, I thought, What am I supposed to do? I don't understand what action I'm supposed to take when with them. I know they've previously told me that we don't generally "do"; it's more a "be"; but getting to the BE part, to where I am enough integrated-aware with them that we are merged, is the issue.
I started to ask them but felt, from my mate, that I shouldn't. He didn't actually lecture me but it came with the feeling that I sometimes get from him that I need to quite whining and expecting someone else to hand me answers or action and step up. I stopped just before saying anything and asked myself, What does it SEEM like I should do? What do I feel? What is appropriate?
After a minute, I went and stood besides my mate, held his hand, closed my eyes and just imagined "being" with them, that's all. I saw the Senior and the Queen slide into each other and then we did that and then for a moment I was more aware than usual of the two identities that resulted. I 'allowed' myself to perceive from the perspective of the merged being and felt a tiny bit of rush-energy then. Then we merged as the four, and I did that again.
And then we just 'were' for a bit.
Then I said, I'm going to leave now, I mean my awareness. Do I need to do something that kind of... officially closes this, so that my going on with my physical life in a moment won't be bleeding into your awareness? They felt no, I didn't need to. But I sorta did anyway, just for closure.
I felt a little clueless then, when it was all said and done. I sense that I need to get much more clear with the Four. Now I understand that, indirectly, getting much more clear with the Aeons, the 12, is a big part of that. But it feels like the easy part is passing. By which I mean, initially I had tons of merging with all of them in various ways like because there was so much to do it was easy. But now I feel like I am getting to the point where merely thinking it'd be nice isn't enough anymore. Like something more proactive is required. But I don't know what.
PJ
Showing posts with label tantric. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tantric. Show all posts
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Sex Magick and Meditation
My astrologer friends tell me that having both Venus and Mars in Scorpio has something to do with this, but all I know is, I tend to hold the polarities when it comes to things like love and sex.
I've had less sex in my 44 years than most the 17 year olds I know have had already. Never mind the long boring details of why, but as a summary, it mostly involves starting a bit late in life and two ten-year periods of semi-celibacy (one on a vow, one just because I was single and am very conservative so don't sleep around. "Semi" means I had no sex with others but had no restriction on masturbation.), and a current friend-slash-boyfriend that I only get to see like once a year which is only slightly different than celibacy frankly.
Part of this in all honesty is because I came of age in the AIDS generation. Just as I was truly opening up to the sex idea, the media was filled with the 11-zillion ways you can get something disgusting or fatal from having sex. My terror of this actually happening has prevented a ton of sex I could otherwise have had in my life but really did not want to risk myself with.
Despite having had so little of it with other people, sex is a pretty powerful subject with me. I discovered a long time ago, by spontaneous "anomalous experience," that some of what I call sex, entities call merging, and that sexual energy has a very powerful effect on basically anything that you might hold in your mind during masturbation, and if you "give your energy" on climax to a given focus, that seems to have a powerful effect.
I have no formal education on sex magick or tantra. Now and then I've lightly-skimmed something on it; doesn't mean much to me. I'm technically part of a tantric magickal order (OTO), about which I know almost nothing and likely never will. It was part of my experience-set in 1994 based on profound dreams with Alastor and Israel which were "shared parts of a larger soul" with me in some fashion, I 'took Minerval and 1st degree' then, and it has had little to do with my conscious life or interests except temporarily, and once in a rare while in cycles, since. I don't expect to ever delve farther into that (and the tantric part doesn't even start in that until 4th degree, I've heard) so whatever I might learn from experience is all I've got.
Sex magick, as in masturbation with 'intent' and 'channeling of that energy' involved, is an occasional part of what I consider my spiritual and meditational work. So, I'm going to talk about it here.
Tantric Terminology and Directing Energy
Like many topics, when I read about sex magick or tantra on occasion, I see that people get lost in semantics. Terminology is too limited for our experience-set.
When I am really tuned in ideally to something as a magickal focus during sex, the so-called climax isn't-quite the normal thing. This can vary a little in detail and degree, but basically it feels like sexual energy is many things, on many levels, winding through both the physical and energy bodies.
Our normal definition of 'sex' is very simplistic and crude and limited. It's like defining 'love' as 'sex'. Sex can be involved, doesn't have to be involved, can range from abuse to worship, plus love itself is a zillion things beyond, besides, or apart from, sex. So that definition would be retarded, except for people who honestly don't know the difference because so far, they either always come together for them, or love in a fuller sense has simply not happened to them, either by chance or by inability of their psychology to allow that.
Well, defining sex as pleasure followed by physical climax does make a little more sense than that, but mostly only to people who have never tried using the process for any other purpose. Once you have for awhile, and have realized the variety and depth of experience involved, then the words 'sex' and 'climax' become generalities that have a lot of different categories inside them.
The term climax in particular gets lost in the words. It is the "peak of the cycle" but that does not always mean the typical physical result most of us learned to call sex. That is what normally happens at the peak of the cycle if you are not bothering to do anything with that cycle except feel good and then vent the energy.
The 'ejaculative fluids' of either gender are just one part of a sexual act. I think the physical climax could be thought of as a sort of "physical overflow valve". Maybe we need that; maybe if we didn't have that and we were not focusing the energy on something specific, it would end up 'intensifying' everything physical and it wouldn't be good. Sexual energy might be like nuclear energy, you can channel it into something as 'energy' and that's good, but a simple explosion of it is quite bad. If there's a way to "divert" any explosion into some "safe outlet", that seems useful. I think that is essentially sexual climax as our culture thinks of it. Not a bad thing. The common default thing. Needed-for-children thing. Just not the ONLY thing.
When you really focus and gain rapport properly, at the point you would normally hit climax, the energy goes -- er, elsewhere. I mean literally. It is quite weird sometimes. It's like all of the energy sometimes just disappears as it pours into whatever your focus was, and you're left suddenly having gone from edge-of-climax to nothing -- as if you were just standing there considering the weather and it is no part of you at all -- because now-its-with-that-other-thing. On the bright side, you know what you were doing worked when this happens, that energy is very powerful and it goes SOMEWHERE. On the down side, it is not so much fun at that point as it would be if you were venting it physically. OK, not fun at all, actually!
Sometimes you can keep 'part' of the energy with you and part with whatever if a "merge" is the real goal. It will reduce the power of the climax as "some" of the energy pours into the Other.
You can keep it all "in-body" with an ordinary peak of physical-venting, but imagine "sharing" that energy, like you can do with archetypes, and that is a lot of fun and I think effective too (I feel that I've seen this have positive emphasis effects in archetype work), but I think that while that is a lot more enjoyable because you get to physically "keep" the physical part of your climax, it doesn't have anywhere near the same degree of power the first option does.
Parallels, such as Energy Work
This reminds me a lot of hands-on energy work. When you are really attuned to the divine of the person/you/God, it's like a trance with an impossible depth through your middle, and the energy just goes through you like a channel--you aren't even consciously doing much besides "holding the physical gateway of body+intent open" you might say--and there is the sense, later when you can get left-brain about it, that the energy poured into them was profound and powerful and deep. To the person, that was just 'nice', felt spiritual. But what really feels GREAT to someone getting a healing is when you "let the energy overflow" and it basically can be thought of as bubbling over onto/through the skin and surface energy body. Now at that point, the moment you feel that the energy you are pouring in has 'filled' and the 'overflow' reaches your hands or senses, it is time to move on. But the overflow feels really good to the person under your hands, as that is the "warm energy shivers" that are so physical. Much of energy work they are consciously oblivious to, especially the deepest stuff. The mostly-useless stuff that is just "stroking" so to speak, is what 'feels' best.
I think it is similar in terms of using sex. I'm referring to anything including masturbation in this case, which I have zero inhibition or embarrassment about, and I do not [unlike some authors] consider this any kind of a negative thing. The most spiritual stuff, the most powerful stuff, works "through" the physical body but then is fully transformed into something else, I have no idea what exactly. Probably all kinds of people have long boring tomes of dictation about this stuff but I really could not care less about all the philosophy, to me, it's experience, and I can think through-it with the help of that experience; books don't do much for me in this topic.
The least spiritual stuff, but that with the most physically kinesthetic or enjoyable experience, stays with the physical body, and the major point of enjoyment is actually in the "overflow" -- which is not even very useful, energetically, just a lot of fun.
Some tantric philosophies consider ordinary sex, aside from having-children, to be inherently bad. From 'disappointing' to actual 'black magick'. I mean seriously, to hear some of these people tell it, if you masturbate you're already one with demonic forces. Give me a break. I really wish that tantra could, like remote viewing in a way, have the critical parts of it dragged into a more scientific+experiential approach, free from the eons of philosophical baggage, religious garbage and mystical muck it is usually found drowning within.
It seems to me, and this is my informal experience talking and I'm no sage mind you, but it seems to me that the more physical energies are just crude in form. Every kind of energy has a sort of "gradient of levels", from the most crude (let's say masturbation to pornography, mental or physical) to the most divine (spiritual union). The difference is I don't consider the physical stuff to be inherently evil, any more than I consider washing the dishes evil. You can use washing the dishes as a spiritual meditation. You can analogy, allegory the experience to many things and manipulate your archetypal map of reality based on this. You can commune with divine parts of yourself and use a slow, warm-water, slippery-soap, cleansing-ritual as a very sensual form of kitchen worship. Or, you can just wash the damn dishes because it needs doing or because you're chilly and the warm water idea felt good or because it gives you a sense of accomplishment and room to mess it all up again. Not as much fun as divine merging via plate-buffing, granted, but not necessarily the left hand path of darkness, either.
I do not consider the physical world or body to be inherently bad. I consider the doctrine of Original Sin to be the greatest evil ever perpetuated on mankind, and much of the knee-jerk denouncement of things like masturbation to be a side-effect of that philosophy -- even in the eastern models, which have their own uniform of doctrine too. To all things there is a season, as the saying goes -- I think sometimes it is appropriate and fun to be 'crude' and have sex for the sheer joy of having it -- zen, by nature, is 'living' -- and sometimes it is appropriate to make it a divine tool. I consider myself a spiritual conglomerate and a symbiote of sorts, with a nature-spirit that is the physical body but also-me while I merge-inhabit her (although the definition of "I" includes her while this is so).
Sex and Women
Perhaps the single thing I agree with Freud about (I am a Jung fan, not one of Freud at all except where they agree) is that the clitoral orgasm is an "incomplete" release of energy, and this tends to be the type of orgasm that most women most commonly have.
This is in part because external stimulation is just so much easier; because internal stimulation tends to be based on the man more than the woman as far as how its gone about, rythym and for how long (and position matters; for many women it's much more likely to happen if she is squatting above rather than in front of or below the man), and because--in all honesty--it is more trouble to bring about usually, takes awhile in most cases -- and it's messy as hell! When men ejaculate they need a hand cloth. When women ejaculate they may need three towels and the mattress takes a week to dry out. At least this is my experience and that of many women I've talked with. So, often "G-spot orgasms" are not pursued simply because they are more trouble and inconvenient.
(Until not very long ago, the 'G'-spot was considered a myth. I find that difficult to believe, like I find many of the things related to women and changes in culture and science in the last century. I myself assumed it was a myth and knew nothing about it but then again, I knew nothing about sex at all. When I discovered this was real, I was so ASTOUNDED by it (I spent weeks wondering, "Where did all that fluid COME FROM?! Has it been sitting there for 33 years?? Where does it GO if I don't do that??") I sent an email to everybody, even my parents, heartily recommending they try finding and utilizing this fabulous area of the body, with instructions no less. OK, I might have been a little temporarily insane. That was also the first time I discovered multiple orgasms, and that women's get more intense with each one until you genuinely fear that you might DIE somehow, so it was a bit impactive an experience!)
But I agree with Freud that the clitoral climax is incomplete. I say this because this never fully relieves sexual energy for me. It does relieve/vent a bunch of it for "that moment" and for years I THOUGHT it was taking care of it for me, until I learned more about myself and paid more attention to myself and realized that even when that happens, sure on the surface I feel better, thanks I can move on with my day now, but at core I am still 'simmering' (and can do so for a long time -- days, longer) waiting for a more complete release. The G-spot orgasm involves my entire body, not just the genitals, and I can feel the difference not just as a focal point but as a more powerful "energetic" experience.
I have never tried to redirect a g-spot orgasm into a magickal focus. This is mostly because I don't bother having them all that often and am more interested in the experience. Most the so-called tantric work I do with meditation is either partial usually on purpose (not fully to any kind of climax, but a build-up of energy), or a clitoral orgasm. I imagine, since it is so much more body-wide and powerful, that it would be really powerful for magick work. I guess until I've had a lot more of them and can be more blase about having them, I am too selfish though, I would rather have the pleasure.
Using Tantric Focus or Sex Magick in Meditation
Like most things in theology or psi or both, sex magick is in part a no-brainer anybody can teach themselves the hard-but-experiential way, with innate intuition and learning-from-experience. But like those things, it has been canonized into a thousand roads of doctrine, with gurus and our-way-is-the-only-way and more. If sex were half as complicated as magick and psi have been made out to be by self-appointed authorities, our whole species would have died out a few million years ago.
I have three different major ways that I "think about" whatever I am focusing on during a sexually-assisted meditation. I am referring now to using masturbation as a tool. As far as sex with other people goes, it is most ideal as a form of worship, and I am sure readers can figure that one out for themselves. Here I am talking about using a gradual "building-up and intensifying of energy" in the body(s) to work with, merge with, etc. anything -- and I really do mean anything -- even 'abstract concepts', situations, relationships, can be made archetypes, in any form/gender, and approached like this. (Works just as well with two people.) Obviously other "identities", from aspects-of-self, to entire Godforms[a], can be approached this way.
When you start approaching the "ramp to climax" is when you have to start paying more attention. Left to its own default behavior, the body will take that "extra energy" and "vent it via outlet" and it will be an ordinary experience. You have to take more control of "directing" via "Will/intent" the energy at this point.
There is a variety of stuff you can do here.
You can attempt to build it up in one or more chakras, in order to give some energy and emphasis to the qualities/energies/experiences that chakra is a gateway/sponsor for in your physical and energy bodies. For example your solar plexus chakra stores energy well and can be related to strength of will; your heart to understanding ('compassion'); these have psi effects (SP in dowsing physical relationships and heart in conceptual data; the throat chakra in audio-type info and forehead in visual, etc.). Some people might want the side-effects of this. It also simply helps intensify and open that chakra.
I might add that this energy is very powerful and to some degree can sort of 'burn through' energy blocks in the energy body, and while this has some good points it also has some concerning points; you can overdo it and kind of harm yourself, not eternally I assume but for awhile, just like you can when moving furniture, lifting weights, or anything else in life -- you can "overdo it" with energy work too sometimes and this can go beyond being sore and literally into being injured, and if you're thinking this is all some woo-woo energy thing, you only need to screw this up really well once to understand the effects can be quite physical.
So spending a solid hour building up massive energy, and then attempting to use that to 'burn through all blocks' and 'totally open' your heart chakra, is probably not wise and it'll help to have a good health insurance plan. Such things are better done gradually and in balance with all the others.
You can intentionally raise the kundalini energy to be a very powerful connection between all the chakras. I've only done this a few times because I've only tried a few times. Basically you want to really focus on the energy at the base chakra and then imagine it moving upward. I've had the best result with this in visualization, imagining that the feel on my genitals is like a serpent 'swallowing' that part of me very slowly, energetically swallowing "my whole spine" at that point, and then I gradually move it 'up' and if done right the energy does move 'up' the spine.
It helps, if you want to make this work, it's a little like some of the more powerful archetype meditations: you really need to WANT it. I mean really focus on "the wanting" it every instant, teasing and tempting it, talking to it in your head, that it wants to consume that whole spine, and that there is a powerful energy at top that wants it to reach that goal, and that you want to be consumed by it, all the way around that circle-of-want, perceive it like a powerful identity, of its own, you are having sex with THAT part of yourself then.
The only caution about this is that if you do it right often your whole body will arch into rigid and this can stay that way for a LONG time, and I mean you really are paralyzed beyond conscious ability to change it at that point, and this can be really scary. I had someone whom I assume would know, once tell me that it was important not to have fear here, that it could create powerful energetic blocks if that got out of hand. He also told me that some people will intentionally stiffen/force a stop in the body-climax of this at some point (say, the neck, meaning the throat chakra) to intensify the effects there. I haven't tried that so far.
You can visualize the prep/setup for whatever or whomever it is you are focusing on for this, preparing to receive with great passionate wanting, all that energy, and imagine that the channel is set up that all this energy is transferring directly to/into them as it comes. This will generally cause the energy to just sort of "flow to them/it" and it's GONE in body-feeling, if done ideally.
But this isn't always done ideally. So a lot of the time it is more of a variable, by-degree, spectrum-experience ranging from "total transmutation of energy" to "physical venting climax" and every possible place on the scale between.
Crowley wrote about sex:
PJ
I've had less sex in my 44 years than most the 17 year olds I know have had already. Never mind the long boring details of why, but as a summary, it mostly involves starting a bit late in life and two ten-year periods of semi-celibacy (one on a vow, one just because I was single and am very conservative so don't sleep around. "Semi" means I had no sex with others but had no restriction on masturbation.), and a current friend-slash-boyfriend that I only get to see like once a year which is only slightly different than celibacy frankly.
Part of this in all honesty is because I came of age in the AIDS generation. Just as I was truly opening up to the sex idea, the media was filled with the 11-zillion ways you can get something disgusting or fatal from having sex. My terror of this actually happening has prevented a ton of sex I could otherwise have had in my life but really did not want to risk myself with.
Despite having had so little of it with other people, sex is a pretty powerful subject with me. I discovered a long time ago, by spontaneous "anomalous experience," that some of what I call sex, entities call merging, and that sexual energy has a very powerful effect on basically anything that you might hold in your mind during masturbation, and if you "give your energy" on climax to a given focus, that seems to have a powerful effect.
I have no formal education on sex magick or tantra. Now and then I've lightly-skimmed something on it; doesn't mean much to me. I'm technically part of a tantric magickal order (OTO), about which I know almost nothing and likely never will. It was part of my experience-set in 1994 based on profound dreams with Alastor and Israel which were "shared parts of a larger soul" with me in some fashion, I 'took Minerval and 1st degree' then, and it has had little to do with my conscious life or interests except temporarily, and once in a rare while in cycles, since. I don't expect to ever delve farther into that (and the tantric part doesn't even start in that until 4th degree, I've heard) so whatever I might learn from experience is all I've got.
Sex magick, as in masturbation with 'intent' and 'channeling of that energy' involved, is an occasional part of what I consider my spiritual and meditational work. So, I'm going to talk about it here.
Tantric Terminology and Directing Energy
Like many topics, when I read about sex magick or tantra on occasion, I see that people get lost in semantics. Terminology is too limited for our experience-set.
When I am really tuned in ideally to something as a magickal focus during sex, the so-called climax isn't-quite the normal thing. This can vary a little in detail and degree, but basically it feels like sexual energy is many things, on many levels, winding through both the physical and energy bodies.
Our normal definition of 'sex' is very simplistic and crude and limited. It's like defining 'love' as 'sex'. Sex can be involved, doesn't have to be involved, can range from abuse to worship, plus love itself is a zillion things beyond, besides, or apart from, sex. So that definition would be retarded, except for people who honestly don't know the difference because so far, they either always come together for them, or love in a fuller sense has simply not happened to them, either by chance or by inability of their psychology to allow that.
Well, defining sex as pleasure followed by physical climax does make a little more sense than that, but mostly only to people who have never tried using the process for any other purpose. Once you have for awhile, and have realized the variety and depth of experience involved, then the words 'sex' and 'climax' become generalities that have a lot of different categories inside them.
The term climax in particular gets lost in the words. It is the "peak of the cycle" but that does not always mean the typical physical result most of us learned to call sex. That is what normally happens at the peak of the cycle if you are not bothering to do anything with that cycle except feel good and then vent the energy.
The 'ejaculative fluids' of either gender are just one part of a sexual act. I think the physical climax could be thought of as a sort of "physical overflow valve". Maybe we need that; maybe if we didn't have that and we were not focusing the energy on something specific, it would end up 'intensifying' everything physical and it wouldn't be good. Sexual energy might be like nuclear energy, you can channel it into something as 'energy' and that's good, but a simple explosion of it is quite bad. If there's a way to "divert" any explosion into some "safe outlet", that seems useful. I think that is essentially sexual climax as our culture thinks of it. Not a bad thing. The common default thing. Needed-for-children thing. Just not the ONLY thing.
When you really focus and gain rapport properly, at the point you would normally hit climax, the energy goes -- er, elsewhere. I mean literally. It is quite weird sometimes. It's like all of the energy sometimes just disappears as it pours into whatever your focus was, and you're left suddenly having gone from edge-of-climax to nothing -- as if you were just standing there considering the weather and it is no part of you at all -- because now-its-with-that-other-thing. On the bright side, you know what you were doing worked when this happens, that energy is very powerful and it goes SOMEWHERE. On the down side, it is not so much fun at that point as it would be if you were venting it physically. OK, not fun at all, actually!
Sometimes you can keep 'part' of the energy with you and part with whatever if a "merge" is the real goal. It will reduce the power of the climax as "some" of the energy pours into the Other.
You can keep it all "in-body" with an ordinary peak of physical-venting, but imagine "sharing" that energy, like you can do with archetypes, and that is a lot of fun and I think effective too (I feel that I've seen this have positive emphasis effects in archetype work), but I think that while that is a lot more enjoyable because you get to physically "keep" the physical part of your climax, it doesn't have anywhere near the same degree of power the first option does.
Parallels, such as Energy Work
This reminds me a lot of hands-on energy work. When you are really attuned to the divine of the person/you/God, it's like a trance with an impossible depth through your middle, and the energy just goes through you like a channel--you aren't even consciously doing much besides "holding the physical gateway of body+intent open" you might say--and there is the sense, later when you can get left-brain about it, that the energy poured into them was profound and powerful and deep. To the person, that was just 'nice', felt spiritual. But what really feels GREAT to someone getting a healing is when you "let the energy overflow" and it basically can be thought of as bubbling over onto/through the skin and surface energy body. Now at that point, the moment you feel that the energy you are pouring in has 'filled' and the 'overflow' reaches your hands or senses, it is time to move on. But the overflow feels really good to the person under your hands, as that is the "warm energy shivers" that are so physical. Much of energy work they are consciously oblivious to, especially the deepest stuff. The mostly-useless stuff that is just "stroking" so to speak, is what 'feels' best.
I think it is similar in terms of using sex. I'm referring to anything including masturbation in this case, which I have zero inhibition or embarrassment about, and I do not [unlike some authors] consider this any kind of a negative thing. The most spiritual stuff, the most powerful stuff, works "through" the physical body but then is fully transformed into something else, I have no idea what exactly. Probably all kinds of people have long boring tomes of dictation about this stuff but I really could not care less about all the philosophy, to me, it's experience, and I can think through-it with the help of that experience; books don't do much for me in this topic.
The least spiritual stuff, but that with the most physically kinesthetic or enjoyable experience, stays with the physical body, and the major point of enjoyment is actually in the "overflow" -- which is not even very useful, energetically, just a lot of fun.
Some tantric philosophies consider ordinary sex, aside from having-children, to be inherently bad. From 'disappointing' to actual 'black magick'. I mean seriously, to hear some of these people tell it, if you masturbate you're already one with demonic forces. Give me a break. I really wish that tantra could, like remote viewing in a way, have the critical parts of it dragged into a more scientific+experiential approach, free from the eons of philosophical baggage, religious garbage and mystical muck it is usually found drowning within.
It seems to me, and this is my informal experience talking and I'm no sage mind you, but it seems to me that the more physical energies are just crude in form. Every kind of energy has a sort of "gradient of levels", from the most crude (let's say masturbation to pornography, mental or physical) to the most divine (spiritual union). The difference is I don't consider the physical stuff to be inherently evil, any more than I consider washing the dishes evil. You can use washing the dishes as a spiritual meditation. You can analogy, allegory the experience to many things and manipulate your archetypal map of reality based on this. You can commune with divine parts of yourself and use a slow, warm-water, slippery-soap, cleansing-ritual as a very sensual form of kitchen worship. Or, you can just wash the damn dishes because it needs doing or because you're chilly and the warm water idea felt good or because it gives you a sense of accomplishment and room to mess it all up again. Not as much fun as divine merging via plate-buffing, granted, but not necessarily the left hand path of darkness, either.
I do not consider the physical world or body to be inherently bad. I consider the doctrine of Original Sin to be the greatest evil ever perpetuated on mankind, and much of the knee-jerk denouncement of things like masturbation to be a side-effect of that philosophy -- even in the eastern models, which have their own uniform of doctrine too. To all things there is a season, as the saying goes -- I think sometimes it is appropriate and fun to be 'crude' and have sex for the sheer joy of having it -- zen, by nature, is 'living' -- and sometimes it is appropriate to make it a divine tool. I consider myself a spiritual conglomerate and a symbiote of sorts, with a nature-spirit that is the physical body but also-me while I merge-inhabit her (although the definition of "I" includes her while this is so).
Sex and Women
Perhaps the single thing I agree with Freud about (I am a Jung fan, not one of Freud at all except where they agree) is that the clitoral orgasm is an "incomplete" release of energy, and this tends to be the type of orgasm that most women most commonly have.
This is in part because external stimulation is just so much easier; because internal stimulation tends to be based on the man more than the woman as far as how its gone about, rythym and for how long (and position matters; for many women it's much more likely to happen if she is squatting above rather than in front of or below the man), and because--in all honesty--it is more trouble to bring about usually, takes awhile in most cases -- and it's messy as hell! When men ejaculate they need a hand cloth. When women ejaculate they may need three towels and the mattress takes a week to dry out. At least this is my experience and that of many women I've talked with. So, often "G-spot orgasms" are not pursued simply because they are more trouble and inconvenient.
(Until not very long ago, the 'G'-spot was considered a myth. I find that difficult to believe, like I find many of the things related to women and changes in culture and science in the last century. I myself assumed it was a myth and knew nothing about it but then again, I knew nothing about sex at all. When I discovered this was real, I was so ASTOUNDED by it (I spent weeks wondering, "Where did all that fluid COME FROM?! Has it been sitting there for 33 years?? Where does it GO if I don't do that??") I sent an email to everybody, even my parents, heartily recommending they try finding and utilizing this fabulous area of the body, with instructions no less. OK, I might have been a little temporarily insane. That was also the first time I discovered multiple orgasms, and that women's get more intense with each one until you genuinely fear that you might DIE somehow, so it was a bit impactive an experience!)
But I agree with Freud that the clitoral climax is incomplete. I say this because this never fully relieves sexual energy for me. It does relieve/vent a bunch of it for "that moment" and for years I THOUGHT it was taking care of it for me, until I learned more about myself and paid more attention to myself and realized that even when that happens, sure on the surface I feel better, thanks I can move on with my day now, but at core I am still 'simmering' (and can do so for a long time -- days, longer) waiting for a more complete release. The G-spot orgasm involves my entire body, not just the genitals, and I can feel the difference not just as a focal point but as a more powerful "energetic" experience.
I have never tried to redirect a g-spot orgasm into a magickal focus. This is mostly because I don't bother having them all that often and am more interested in the experience. Most the so-called tantric work I do with meditation is either partial usually on purpose (not fully to any kind of climax, but a build-up of energy), or a clitoral orgasm. I imagine, since it is so much more body-wide and powerful, that it would be really powerful for magick work. I guess until I've had a lot more of them and can be more blase about having them, I am too selfish though, I would rather have the pleasure.
Using Tantric Focus or Sex Magick in Meditation
Like most things in theology or psi or both, sex magick is in part a no-brainer anybody can teach themselves the hard-but-experiential way, with innate intuition and learning-from-experience. But like those things, it has been canonized into a thousand roads of doctrine, with gurus and our-way-is-the-only-way and more. If sex were half as complicated as magick and psi have been made out to be by self-appointed authorities, our whole species would have died out a few million years ago.
I have three different major ways that I "think about" whatever I am focusing on during a sexually-assisted meditation. I am referring now to using masturbation as a tool. As far as sex with other people goes, it is most ideal as a form of worship, and I am sure readers can figure that one out for themselves. Here I am talking about using a gradual "building-up and intensifying of energy" in the body(s) to work with, merge with, etc. anything -- and I really do mean anything -- even 'abstract concepts', situations, relationships, can be made archetypes, in any form/gender, and approached like this. (Works just as well with two people.) Obviously other "identities", from aspects-of-self, to entire Godforms[a], can be approached this way.
- I simply imagine that whatever focus, energy, topic, archetype, etc. is in question, I am literally having sex with in some fashion, and the pleasuring and semi-worship elements come in then.
- I imagine that the focus is 'merging with me' like some kind of Energy-Being and the "suffusion" is sensual and feels good, and that we are gradually "sharing molecules" and getting brighter and so on.
- I imagine that the focus is 'sharing my body' and we are mutually enjoying the pleasure. This is usually the approach I use if my focus is an identity (eg archetype) that is another woman.
When you start approaching the "ramp to climax" is when you have to start paying more attention. Left to its own default behavior, the body will take that "extra energy" and "vent it via outlet" and it will be an ordinary experience. You have to take more control of "directing" via "Will/intent" the energy at this point.
There is a variety of stuff you can do here.
You can attempt to build it up in one or more chakras, in order to give some energy and emphasis to the qualities/energies/experiences that chakra is a gateway/sponsor for in your physical and energy bodies. For example your solar plexus chakra stores energy well and can be related to strength of will; your heart to understanding ('compassion'); these have psi effects (SP in dowsing physical relationships and heart in conceptual data; the throat chakra in audio-type info and forehead in visual, etc.). Some people might want the side-effects of this. It also simply helps intensify and open that chakra.
I might add that this energy is very powerful and to some degree can sort of 'burn through' energy blocks in the energy body, and while this has some good points it also has some concerning points; you can overdo it and kind of harm yourself, not eternally I assume but for awhile, just like you can when moving furniture, lifting weights, or anything else in life -- you can "overdo it" with energy work too sometimes and this can go beyond being sore and literally into being injured, and if you're thinking this is all some woo-woo energy thing, you only need to screw this up really well once to understand the effects can be quite physical.
So spending a solid hour building up massive energy, and then attempting to use that to 'burn through all blocks' and 'totally open' your heart chakra, is probably not wise and it'll help to have a good health insurance plan. Such things are better done gradually and in balance with all the others.
You can intentionally raise the kundalini energy to be a very powerful connection between all the chakras. I've only done this a few times because I've only tried a few times. Basically you want to really focus on the energy at the base chakra and then imagine it moving upward. I've had the best result with this in visualization, imagining that the feel on my genitals is like a serpent 'swallowing' that part of me very slowly, energetically swallowing "my whole spine" at that point, and then I gradually move it 'up' and if done right the energy does move 'up' the spine.
It helps, if you want to make this work, it's a little like some of the more powerful archetype meditations: you really need to WANT it. I mean really focus on "the wanting" it every instant, teasing and tempting it, talking to it in your head, that it wants to consume that whole spine, and that there is a powerful energy at top that wants it to reach that goal, and that you want to be consumed by it, all the way around that circle-of-want, perceive it like a powerful identity, of its own, you are having sex with THAT part of yourself then.
The only caution about this is that if you do it right often your whole body will arch into rigid and this can stay that way for a LONG time, and I mean you really are paralyzed beyond conscious ability to change it at that point, and this can be really scary. I had someone whom I assume would know, once tell me that it was important not to have fear here, that it could create powerful energetic blocks if that got out of hand. He also told me that some people will intentionally stiffen/force a stop in the body-climax of this at some point (say, the neck, meaning the throat chakra) to intensify the effects there. I haven't tried that so far.
You can visualize the prep/setup for whatever or whomever it is you are focusing on for this, preparing to receive with great passionate wanting, all that energy, and imagine that the channel is set up that all this energy is transferring directly to/into them as it comes. This will generally cause the energy to just sort of "flow to them/it" and it's GONE in body-feeling, if done ideally.
But this isn't always done ideally. So a lot of the time it is more of a variable, by-degree, spectrum-experience ranging from "total transmutation of energy" to "physical venting climax" and every possible place on the scale between.
Crowley wrote about sex:
The battle will rage most fiercely around the question of sex... Mankind must learn that the sexual instinct is in its true nature ennobling. The shocking evils which we all deplore are principally due to the perversion produced by suppressions. The feeling that it is shameful and the sense of sin cause concealment, which is ignoble, and internal conflict which creates distortion, neurosis, and ends in explosion.I happen to agree with that view.
PJ
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Drifting
I feel like I'm just a drifter lately. Not focused. Relaxing, half asleep, floating on the current of life. Not proactive, not even reactive, just sprawled out in weightlessness, freed from the gravity of my normal life. I have so many self-created 'obligations' to helping other people, doing free projects online, etc. that for years it has felt like I literally am 'working' (paid or not) every minute of the day, and when I wasn't doing that, I was feeling guilty about not doing it. Lately I haven't been feeling much of anything about anything. Which sounds depressive, but really it's just a relief.
I've taken up watching shows on hulu.com. I loved the Dresden files. And Firefly. And a variety of other things. I'm generally a SCIFI/FAN/ACTION sort, if that's a clue to taste. I used to think that no decently intelligent TV shows got made for the most part. It turns out, they do get made. They just don't last for more than 6-13 episodes is all and I never saw them. Hulu has rescued a lot of great shows from obscurity, leaving fans like me grieving that it was over before we ever even ran into it.
I did a meditation the other night. OK nearly a week ago. IG brought Ray back. It's a male human guide. (I was thinking maybe the name might be like ray-of-light and might be something unusual, but I guess not.) Of course, despite a meditation and then a dream with Ray, I remember approximately nothing about him. This hardly seems like coincidence, given how effectively he fell out of my head the first time. Oh brother.
I used my Procyon again the other day. I haven't used this very often and want to get back to that. It's a light-sound machine that pulses sound and colored LED's at beat-intervals designed to create a frequency following response in the brain that puts you in a given state of mind. I've had some insomnia issues and putting on some delta does seem pretty effective at knocking me out. Although in fairness if I am sleepy at all even an alpha program will do that.
The guy who runs the company I bought my unit from worked for some time on Vista 64 drivers so I could do the custom programming for it. I haven't tried them yet (just got them a couple weeks ago) but want to try that. I like the idea of combining a verbal walk-through of say, an archetype meditation, with the cool music stuff I got ('looping' synth tracks), with custom beat patterns both sonic and photic, to see the end result. Although it seems like this is the kind of thing you could get into and still be experimenting 60 years later. Knowing me I won't be happy until my brain is jello.
I've been experimenting a little now and then with a tantric redirection of sexual energy toward the aeons around me (the guides), sort of putting energy into them/our connection. It's a hard temptation (as the most pleasure is letting it spill out at random of course) but seems to work, insofar as directing the energy to them seems to vaporize it -- which I assume means the 're-routing' is effective. Have only tried it a few times and haven't yet done it while "in" a meditation (normally I've done this as part of an advanced archetype meditation and a rather highly 'personal' relationship with the arch) so I'm not sure yet of any real result.
Temporarily (I hope) I've completely lost traction on my 14 year remote viewing obsession. I mean at the moment it's like the whole topic could evaporate and I wouldn't even care. I assume it's just burnout on a variety of related things and that will pass. Always seems to. It feels like a good thing though. Like I had too much 'attachment' to it, in the Eastern sense, and I am releasing that, and letting it be-what-it-is-for-me without a lot of other conditions.
I tried my pressure cooker for the first time the other day. It did manage to turn stew meat, that would normally take a solid 6-8 hours in the crockpot to get soft, into the same texture and good taste in 15 minutes. (And 20 minutes of gradual depressurizing.) I'm going to have to start using that more and experimenting. Since I eat lowcarb (mostly meat) and cheaper cuts taste good but are tougher, anything that speeds up cooking time/trouble dramatically is a good thing. I think my next experiment in it might be pork carnitas.
I'm hoping to do a little meditating this weekend, if I can pull myself away from Hulu that is. I'm turning into a couch--well, laptop--potato. But I'm running out of shows I like well enough to sit through, bummer! Anyway I'm planning to do a brief alpha session with the procyon and then do some Tower/IG/Arch/Guide work. Hope to have something useful enough to post on before it's over.
PJ
.
I've taken up watching shows on hulu.com. I loved the Dresden files. And Firefly. And a variety of other things. I'm generally a SCIFI/FAN/ACTION sort, if that's a clue to taste. I used to think that no decently intelligent TV shows got made for the most part. It turns out, they do get made. They just don't last for more than 6-13 episodes is all and I never saw them. Hulu has rescued a lot of great shows from obscurity, leaving fans like me grieving that it was over before we ever even ran into it.
I did a meditation the other night. OK nearly a week ago. IG brought Ray back. It's a male human guide. (I was thinking maybe the name might be like ray-of-light and might be something unusual, but I guess not.) Of course, despite a meditation and then a dream with Ray, I remember approximately nothing about him. This hardly seems like coincidence, given how effectively he fell out of my head the first time. Oh brother.
I used my Procyon again the other day. I haven't used this very often and want to get back to that. It's a light-sound machine that pulses sound and colored LED's at beat-intervals designed to create a frequency following response in the brain that puts you in a given state of mind. I've had some insomnia issues and putting on some delta does seem pretty effective at knocking me out. Although in fairness if I am sleepy at all even an alpha program will do that.
The guy who runs the company I bought my unit from worked for some time on Vista 64 drivers so I could do the custom programming for it. I haven't tried them yet (just got them a couple weeks ago) but want to try that. I like the idea of combining a verbal walk-through of say, an archetype meditation, with the cool music stuff I got ('looping' synth tracks), with custom beat patterns both sonic and photic, to see the end result. Although it seems like this is the kind of thing you could get into and still be experimenting 60 years later. Knowing me I won't be happy until my brain is jello.
I've been experimenting a little now and then with a tantric redirection of sexual energy toward the aeons around me (the guides), sort of putting energy into them/our connection. It's a hard temptation (as the most pleasure is letting it spill out at random of course) but seems to work, insofar as directing the energy to them seems to vaporize it -- which I assume means the 're-routing' is effective. Have only tried it a few times and haven't yet done it while "in" a meditation (normally I've done this as part of an advanced archetype meditation and a rather highly 'personal' relationship with the arch) so I'm not sure yet of any real result.
Temporarily (I hope) I've completely lost traction on my 14 year remote viewing obsession. I mean at the moment it's like the whole topic could evaporate and I wouldn't even care. I assume it's just burnout on a variety of related things and that will pass. Always seems to. It feels like a good thing though. Like I had too much 'attachment' to it, in the Eastern sense, and I am releasing that, and letting it be-what-it-is-for-me without a lot of other conditions.
I tried my pressure cooker for the first time the other day. It did manage to turn stew meat, that would normally take a solid 6-8 hours in the crockpot to get soft, into the same texture and good taste in 15 minutes. (And 20 minutes of gradual depressurizing.) I'm going to have to start using that more and experimenting. Since I eat lowcarb (mostly meat) and cheaper cuts taste good but are tougher, anything that speeds up cooking time/trouble dramatically is a good thing. I think my next experiment in it might be pork carnitas.
I'm hoping to do a little meditating this weekend, if I can pull myself away from Hulu that is. I'm turning into a couch--well, laptop--potato. But I'm running out of shows I like well enough to sit through, bummer! Anyway I'm planning to do a brief alpha session with the procyon and then do some Tower/IG/Arch/Guide work. Hope to have something useful enough to post on before it's over.
PJ
.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Archmed: Gaia and the Pyramid
This is a continuation of "IG and the Pagan Night" post.
I walked around the pyramid until I saw the dark spot on the ground some distance away that marked the doorway. I climbed down the ladder and went through the stone hallway underground and came up the ladder into the pyramid. I closed the floor-door and went to the middle of the floor and sat down and thought for awhile.
I thought about the sense of 'solitude and alone-ness' which in the first meditation seemed the primary impression it made on me. Maybe, I thought, the pyramid represents the body. It is a strong, powerful filter of defense against, well, everything. The whole point of our conglomerate consciousness merging symbiotically with the nature-creature of a human body is surely to experience the sense of being independent, alone, unique -- in short, "separate".
I thought, if I am here and I want to psychically perceive something over there, the pyramid can't take me. Can I bring whatever-it-is to me instead? Can I replicate a local version of that non-local energetic construct in the center, is that what I'm supposed to do? I imagined doing that. Didn't seem to work very well and didn't seem like the answer.
I remembered in my blog I'd said I had a real epiphany over the thought that "I was in the middle of something larger" but had no idea why, afterward. I thought about that idea for awhile. I still didn't get it though.
I did start to get a sense of push to merge with the target. I wondered if that was from IG. I let that flow, and felt rather as if my body were streeetttttching out to the four corners at the bottom, and so on all the way up, until my neck was at the very top. Then I flipped my head over so it felt like it was hanging down from the very top of the open-inside stepped pyramid, and I pondered all this, upside down in the open darkness.
I remembered writing that I felt I should do some of the visualizations that Nero had suggested to me. I couldn't really think of any good reason for this. But anything was worth a try. So I allowed my sense of merge to 'stay' while I refocused my 'sense-of-I-ness' down to the ground inside again and started to visualize. At first it was weak and tentative. A red open triangle of light. A white square, then a white or gold circle. I realized I couldn't really remember what Nero had suggested aside from the triangle; I was guessing at the others. I turned them slowly like he taught me, so I could hold them in focus. They grew larger of their own accord, so I went with that. They got bigger, and I moved them further away from me so there was room, and then it was just the red triangle, very large.
It occurred to me that when I spun this fast enough, it would be a cone. And that a cone was, technically, "infinite triangles." I had never thought of that before. Then I realized that a pyramid is also a whole mess of triangles. Each side is a triangle. And measured diagonally, the shape was two crossing triangles. In fact you could say that a pyramid was a squared shape of a cone, as if to 'retain' the triangles of the shape but still be in full 3D. As I wandered through this trivia, the open red triangle got yet larger, and I had the sense of 'urge/rightness' to move it around me. I once did that when trying to remote view with a spinning triangle; it was distracting me so I'd made it big and put it around me so it wasn't so much in my vision. Well I did that again, having it go around me, and I got this curious sense of sound, not audible sound but sense-of-sound, like a low strong "whoosh" at a certain point in every turning cycle. The speed of it seemed to increase, and the whooshing sound of it seemed to get louder. it started to seem kind of fun. So I really put my focus on being 'in the center' of it and having it spinning around me powerfully, whooshingly.
And then without warning, as sudden and shocking as the jerk upward by the wrists had been in the previous meditation, it happened. The top of the pyramid seemed to suck in massive energy all the way from the center of the universe out in the starry sky somewhere, that went straight down into the top of my spinning triangle (which was sometimes more like a spinning circle) and through it, through the crown of my head, all the way through my body in the middle, through the bottom of the spinning shape, through the bottom of the pyramid, and all the way to the center of earth. As if the spinning had created a vortex and the pyramid had created a sort of shape of power and the two sort of "sucked" the energy down through. It was so powerful that my body, sitting on my bed, jerked fully spine-upright, my head thrown back and my mouth open, and it was almost like being struck by lightning from the inside for several long seconds, as this whole column of energy rushed through me. I was surprised how intense it was and how long it lasted, and it had the 'sense of rushing-merging' that a great archmed does and I realized that I had, by chance or by IG's help, finally stumbled on what I needed to do for this arch. Absolutely awesome! Really body-and-mind-blowing. At the time it was happening, I had that thing I've gotten during some extreme experiences (kind of a sign of its reality I think), in remote viewing you sometimes get an 'overlay' of one concept on another or something, but this was like 100 overlays all at once, so many my mind couldn't absorb or track them all. And it did get a lot but I forgot again instantly when no longer in that massive column of energy. There was something about the square shape of the pyramid at bottom being an earth shape for connection, and the triangles nature of the pyramid not being accidental, it being dynamic in nature even though static in shape, and the point at the top of a pyramid being both receptive as well as projective, which I didn't understand until later I thought about how lightning loves to hit high pointy stuff (so the shape is receptive then). That stuff was at the bottom and totally trivia though, there was lots more interesting stuff that fell outta my brain alas.
The energy ceased and I felt almost shell-shocked in some way. I felt odd. Then I thought again, for some reason, of that "I am part of something larger" thought I'd had in the previous med, and I suddenly realized I WAS part of something larger. I expanded, realizing that I was everything on an entire planet, everything from the smallest microbe to the entire planet and its atmosphere and everything, and I found myself staring down at the planet from outside it, as if I were a genie and the whole planet and outer energy sphere composed my body. I realized that even though I couldn't see it from this perspective, I could still FEEL, somewhere verrrrrrrry teeeeeeny, that stone pyramid, with the woman inside it. It was like... being 'aware' of one of your blood cells or something, that tiny, yet still perfectly clear to me. I moved my perspective in, toward the part of the planet where I could feel them, with a humor-flash-overlay of Google Earth's way of moving-in like that. I came in rushing until I was just above and around the pyramid. And I felt this sense of... benevolence. For the woman and the pyramid. And I put my energy-hands, which were bigger than the pyramid, around it, and I poured energy into them, and I understood that the woman had been trying to 'open up' in a sense, energetically. I decided that I would make her an anchor of energy, a sort of power source and protector for my planet as it can always use those, and I poured energy into them and designed her so that she would be open to information, powerful, well protected, and anchored with the planet as part of its welfare. I felt such affection during this, for the tiny little pyramid that felt as small as a toy, and the tinier spark of lifeform inside it, as if they were just so... SWEET. And then I was done, it was done, and I realized that I was not only more than all this, I was more than THAT, too, and I leaned backward and felt myself become aware of being an entire galaxy of shapes and forms and life and then I felt more drawing me, and I stretched with my arms up and felt myself finally reach a sense of "home" of the ultimate of birth and rebirth and ISness, and a sense that I was in the center of the galaxy and yet, everything that seemed like it was not right there, actually was. As if the sense-of-separation of something like earth from the center (Sirius A or wherever it is) is actually a total illusion; we are all part of her. It was awesome.
I seemed to either go beyond what my brain could handle or overload, not sure which, as I realized I was just sitting here spaced out, and I went back to the sense of "I" inside the pyramid. Then I realized there was a potential, and I imagined running time back to when I had my hands around the pyramid, except now it was HER hands, and I was IN the pyramid, and I stood up with my legs strong and apart, my feet on the stone floor, and as all the energy came through me and the pyramid I yelled, I ACCEPT! and understood that I was "accepting the designated role given me by the Goddess." Now this nearly made me laugh because not ten minutes before when IG had gone all pagan on me I'd actually thought about how I was so NOT into the Wiccan thing and never really related to it and yet, I had such a powerful sense that SHE, which I knew intellectually had been me but now it felt so much MORE I did not mix us at all, that it was a she and that she was a sort of collective consciousness of the whole earth, Gaia maybe?, and that she had the power to make me whatever she liked and that I was just hugely, unbelievably HONORED for it. A million possibilities of what this might entail, some not so great, flashed through my head in a microsecond and I responded with a shrug, "Whatever it takes. I am hers." I was as surprised and impressed by this feeling as by anything previous in the experience.
I projected out of the pyramid, which I now felt a special significance for I hadn't previously, and went back to IG. I hugged her, assuming she had helped me. Because really, I feel like I would NEVER have actually come up with "the way" to do that archmed merge without her. I would never have thought that I needed to merge with the shaped and then go to the center and spin a triangle around me hahaha -- that's just totally obscure! Who would ever think of that?! Usually archmeds you just ... heal something or put it back together or whatever. They aren't usually nearly that complicated!
I wondered about the other part. I honestly had the feeling that the Goddess part (so to dub it something, as I'm not sure what to call it) was not actually a planned part of the meditation. That it was actually totally in line with the intent of the archetype and the meditation, however, that it had not actually been part of it; I mean that the energy bit with the pyramid was the archmed, that it had just been powerful enough and caused other 'side effects' in me, to spark the second part, which was a whole separate experience in a way.
I went back to my plateau and considered the outer guides again. Were they part of me? Then they were part of that amazing energy creature the goddess summation of earth, or whatever it was, had just designated an anchor of light and power and protection and communication. So I imagined encompassing all of them and then pulling in energy and rushing it through all of them. Then I rolled it all up inside me.
I still felt completely weird in a good way. I wondered if I felt heavier but then I decided no, it was more like I felt more aware of every cell of my body, which amounted to a mental version of that (feeling heavier) but not a physical one. I felt 'smooth' inside too, a rather ineffable feeling.
My boyfriend called and I told him about it. Then I started writing it out, but after a short time felt I needed to just close the computer and sit quietly 'in the center' and absorb for awhile, so I did. Eventually I felt I should sleep, so I did.
I woke up this morning normally. In a good mood, but nothing special. I kind of feel my crown chakra in a way I haven't in a long time, but even that isn't extreme or anything. I do still have a residue of the sense of 'internally smooth' that is hard to put into words, but even that is not real strong.
My doubting mind has kicked in and although I believed it to be a 'real and meaningful' experience last night, now I wonder if it was just an unusually powerful hallucination. I wonder if it matters. If you hallucinate something like that, so it was real to you, would it have the same effect anyway I wonder. I was so... EXTREME in several ways that the sheer extremity of it is the part that makes me doubt, I guess.
I have this slightly unsettling feeling that I've made a commitment and an acceptance and it doesn't really matter if I doubt or not, or change my mind or not, because what is already is and has always been and will always be and maybe all of that stuff in the meditation is, was, and forever will be, and it just so happens that last night was the place some larger-me put it "in the sense of flowing time" but that it was eternal. Destiny, dharma, whatever. Four planets in virgo and the circle squared and the square sits on earth and spins triangles and connects with the universe and maybe it's always been so, I just lived in ignorant bliss of it until now.
Still... as I used to say in Bewilderness... it's just another day.
PJ
I walked around the pyramid until I saw the dark spot on the ground some distance away that marked the doorway. I climbed down the ladder and went through the stone hallway underground and came up the ladder into the pyramid. I closed the floor-door and went to the middle of the floor and sat down and thought for awhile.
I thought about the sense of 'solitude and alone-ness' which in the first meditation seemed the primary impression it made on me. Maybe, I thought, the pyramid represents the body. It is a strong, powerful filter of defense against, well, everything. The whole point of our conglomerate consciousness merging symbiotically with the nature-creature of a human body is surely to experience the sense of being independent, alone, unique -- in short, "separate".
I thought, if I am here and I want to psychically perceive something over there, the pyramid can't take me. Can I bring whatever-it-is to me instead? Can I replicate a local version of that non-local energetic construct in the center, is that what I'm supposed to do? I imagined doing that. Didn't seem to work very well and didn't seem like the answer.
I remembered in my blog I'd said I had a real epiphany over the thought that "I was in the middle of something larger" but had no idea why, afterward. I thought about that idea for awhile. I still didn't get it though.
I did start to get a sense of push to merge with the target. I wondered if that was from IG. I let that flow, and felt rather as if my body were streeetttttching out to the four corners at the bottom, and so on all the way up, until my neck was at the very top. Then I flipped my head over so it felt like it was hanging down from the very top of the open-inside stepped pyramid, and I pondered all this, upside down in the open darkness.
I remembered writing that I felt I should do some of the visualizations that Nero had suggested to me. I couldn't really think of any good reason for this. But anything was worth a try. So I allowed my sense of merge to 'stay' while I refocused my 'sense-of-I-ness' down to the ground inside again and started to visualize. At first it was weak and tentative. A red open triangle of light. A white square, then a white or gold circle. I realized I couldn't really remember what Nero had suggested aside from the triangle; I was guessing at the others. I turned them slowly like he taught me, so I could hold them in focus. They grew larger of their own accord, so I went with that. They got bigger, and I moved them further away from me so there was room, and then it was just the red triangle, very large.
It occurred to me that when I spun this fast enough, it would be a cone. And that a cone was, technically, "infinite triangles." I had never thought of that before. Then I realized that a pyramid is also a whole mess of triangles. Each side is a triangle. And measured diagonally, the shape was two crossing triangles. In fact you could say that a pyramid was a squared shape of a cone, as if to 'retain' the triangles of the shape but still be in full 3D. As I wandered through this trivia, the open red triangle got yet larger, and I had the sense of 'urge/rightness' to move it around me. I once did that when trying to remote view with a spinning triangle; it was distracting me so I'd made it big and put it around me so it wasn't so much in my vision. Well I did that again, having it go around me, and I got this curious sense of sound, not audible sound but sense-of-sound, like a low strong "whoosh" at a certain point in every turning cycle. The speed of it seemed to increase, and the whooshing sound of it seemed to get louder. it started to seem kind of fun. So I really put my focus on being 'in the center' of it and having it spinning around me powerfully, whooshingly.
And then without warning, as sudden and shocking as the jerk upward by the wrists had been in the previous meditation, it happened. The top of the pyramid seemed to suck in massive energy all the way from the center of the universe out in the starry sky somewhere, that went straight down into the top of my spinning triangle (which was sometimes more like a spinning circle) and through it, through the crown of my head, all the way through my body in the middle, through the bottom of the spinning shape, through the bottom of the pyramid, and all the way to the center of earth. As if the spinning had created a vortex and the pyramid had created a sort of shape of power and the two sort of "sucked" the energy down through. It was so powerful that my body, sitting on my bed, jerked fully spine-upright, my head thrown back and my mouth open, and it was almost like being struck by lightning from the inside for several long seconds, as this whole column of energy rushed through me. I was surprised how intense it was and how long it lasted, and it had the 'sense of rushing-merging' that a great archmed does and I realized that I had, by chance or by IG's help, finally stumbled on what I needed to do for this arch. Absolutely awesome! Really body-and-mind-blowing. At the time it was happening, I had that thing I've gotten during some extreme experiences (kind of a sign of its reality I think), in remote viewing you sometimes get an 'overlay' of one concept on another or something, but this was like 100 overlays all at once, so many my mind couldn't absorb or track them all. And it did get a lot but I forgot again instantly when no longer in that massive column of energy. There was something about the square shape of the pyramid at bottom being an earth shape for connection, and the triangles nature of the pyramid not being accidental, it being dynamic in nature even though static in shape, and the point at the top of a pyramid being both receptive as well as projective, which I didn't understand until later I thought about how lightning loves to hit high pointy stuff (so the shape is receptive then). That stuff was at the bottom and totally trivia though, there was lots more interesting stuff that fell outta my brain alas.
The energy ceased and I felt almost shell-shocked in some way. I felt odd. Then I thought again, for some reason, of that "I am part of something larger" thought I'd had in the previous med, and I suddenly realized I WAS part of something larger. I expanded, realizing that I was everything on an entire planet, everything from the smallest microbe to the entire planet and its atmosphere and everything, and I found myself staring down at the planet from outside it, as if I were a genie and the whole planet and outer energy sphere composed my body. I realized that even though I couldn't see it from this perspective, I could still FEEL, somewhere verrrrrrrry teeeeeeny, that stone pyramid, with the woman inside it. It was like... being 'aware' of one of your blood cells or something, that tiny, yet still perfectly clear to me. I moved my perspective in, toward the part of the planet where I could feel them, with a humor-flash-overlay of Google Earth's way of moving-in like that. I came in rushing until I was just above and around the pyramid. And I felt this sense of... benevolence. For the woman and the pyramid. And I put my energy-hands, which were bigger than the pyramid, around it, and I poured energy into them, and I understood that the woman had been trying to 'open up' in a sense, energetically. I decided that I would make her an anchor of energy, a sort of power source and protector for my planet as it can always use those, and I poured energy into them and designed her so that she would be open to information, powerful, well protected, and anchored with the planet as part of its welfare. I felt such affection during this, for the tiny little pyramid that felt as small as a toy, and the tinier spark of lifeform inside it, as if they were just so... SWEET. And then I was done, it was done, and I realized that I was not only more than all this, I was more than THAT, too, and I leaned backward and felt myself become aware of being an entire galaxy of shapes and forms and life and then I felt more drawing me, and I stretched with my arms up and felt myself finally reach a sense of "home" of the ultimate of birth and rebirth and ISness, and a sense that I was in the center of the galaxy and yet, everything that seemed like it was not right there, actually was. As if the sense-of-separation of something like earth from the center (Sirius A or wherever it is) is actually a total illusion; we are all part of her. It was awesome.
I seemed to either go beyond what my brain could handle or overload, not sure which, as I realized I was just sitting here spaced out, and I went back to the sense of "I" inside the pyramid. Then I realized there was a potential, and I imagined running time back to when I had my hands around the pyramid, except now it was HER hands, and I was IN the pyramid, and I stood up with my legs strong and apart, my feet on the stone floor, and as all the energy came through me and the pyramid I yelled, I ACCEPT! and understood that I was "accepting the designated role given me by the Goddess." Now this nearly made me laugh because not ten minutes before when IG had gone all pagan on me I'd actually thought about how I was so NOT into the Wiccan thing and never really related to it and yet, I had such a powerful sense that SHE, which I knew intellectually had been me but now it felt so much MORE I did not mix us at all, that it was a she and that she was a sort of collective consciousness of the whole earth, Gaia maybe?, and that she had the power to make me whatever she liked and that I was just hugely, unbelievably HONORED for it. A million possibilities of what this might entail, some not so great, flashed through my head in a microsecond and I responded with a shrug, "Whatever it takes. I am hers." I was as surprised and impressed by this feeling as by anything previous in the experience.
I projected out of the pyramid, which I now felt a special significance for I hadn't previously, and went back to IG. I hugged her, assuming she had helped me. Because really, I feel like I would NEVER have actually come up with "the way" to do that archmed merge without her. I would never have thought that I needed to merge with the shaped and then go to the center and spin a triangle around me hahaha -- that's just totally obscure! Who would ever think of that?! Usually archmeds you just ... heal something or put it back together or whatever. They aren't usually nearly that complicated!
I wondered about the other part. I honestly had the feeling that the Goddess part (so to dub it something, as I'm not sure what to call it) was not actually a planned part of the meditation. That it was actually totally in line with the intent of the archetype and the meditation, however, that it had not actually been part of it; I mean that the energy bit with the pyramid was the archmed, that it had just been powerful enough and caused other 'side effects' in me, to spark the second part, which was a whole separate experience in a way.
I went back to my plateau and considered the outer guides again. Were they part of me? Then they were part of that amazing energy creature the goddess summation of earth, or whatever it was, had just designated an anchor of light and power and protection and communication. So I imagined encompassing all of them and then pulling in energy and rushing it through all of them. Then I rolled it all up inside me.
I still felt completely weird in a good way. I wondered if I felt heavier but then I decided no, it was more like I felt more aware of every cell of my body, which amounted to a mental version of that (feeling heavier) but not a physical one. I felt 'smooth' inside too, a rather ineffable feeling.
My boyfriend called and I told him about it. Then I started writing it out, but after a short time felt I needed to just close the computer and sit quietly 'in the center' and absorb for awhile, so I did. Eventually I felt I should sleep, so I did.
I woke up this morning normally. In a good mood, but nothing special. I kind of feel my crown chakra in a way I haven't in a long time, but even that isn't extreme or anything. I do still have a residue of the sense of 'internally smooth' that is hard to put into words, but even that is not real strong.
My doubting mind has kicked in and although I believed it to be a 'real and meaningful' experience last night, now I wonder if it was just an unusually powerful hallucination. I wonder if it matters. If you hallucinate something like that, so it was real to you, would it have the same effect anyway I wonder. I was so... EXTREME in several ways that the sheer extremity of it is the part that makes me doubt, I guess.
I have this slightly unsettling feeling that I've made a commitment and an acceptance and it doesn't really matter if I doubt or not, or change my mind or not, because what is already is and has always been and will always be and maybe all of that stuff in the meditation is, was, and forever will be, and it just so happens that last night was the place some larger-me put it "in the sense of flowing time" but that it was eternal. Destiny, dharma, whatever. Four planets in virgo and the circle squared and the square sits on earth and spins triangles and connects with the universe and maybe it's always been so, I just lived in ignorant bliss of it until now.
Still... as I used to say in Bewilderness... it's just another day.
PJ
Sunday, January 6, 2008
When the Arch's a Mystery
Last night I finally got off my ass and (and ok I'm lying; I was sitting in bed.) did an archetype meditation. It has been a long time since I've let myself focus on any of this.
The night before this, I had asked IG to give me "whatever archetype I most need to integrate with, for positive benefits in my life." Now I understand that's going to be arbitrary just by nature. What energy is best for my health may not be what is best for my job, or whatever, but I trust IG.
I couldn't see the arch. This is always a sign of something I am repressing or in denial of. I did have a sense though of it being really huge and fat, sort of like a giant tweedledum but not actually human.
I used the water of life in shower mode for some time.
I restarted the meditation about a dozen times because my mind went drifting off into something else instantly in denial.
Then I used the light of life for awhile.
The arch ended up being something small, sort of crown-shaped, and unusually heavy. At this point I did the ultimate denial space-out: I fell asleep.
So yesterday early evening I was walking with the kid to the store to get some food for dinner. (I was walking because my car battery up and died.) And about every 60 seconds, I would have some mild thought - about a dog, a kid on a bike, anything - that would instantly turn into something really violent and gory. I recalled that my dreams had been like that, after falling asleep before finishing the meditation.
This happened so fast, so repeatedly, that by the time I reached the store I was scolding myself internally. Nothing (but nothing) is as bad as the time I stupidly meditated on the arch of someone ELSE, asking for the arch of whatever was giving my friend heart trouble; that was utterly terrifying, I couldn't finish it, and it stalked me for weeks in my dreams like a feral slasher-werewolf-warrior of red-red-red that made me watch up close all the horrors and then get blamed for them. Not dreams I ever want to repeat. So, this wasn't nearly as bad as that. Nothing is. But it was bad enough that I was starting to wish I could whack myself upside the head and snap out of it, it was almost frightening how instant and severe the daydreams were.
So last night I went back into the meditation, apologized for the interruption, and continued from where I left off. I was frankly a bit out of ideas for what to do with this arch. I could see it better now, it had changed form, but I was still a bit clueless. Fortunately my boyfriend had really wound me up (from a distance, alas) so I asked the arch to take human form and did a tantric merge with it. I have no idea how he liked it but I had a good time, heh! It did certainly relax me greatly with the archetype though.
When the med was over, I asked IG to take his real form (a giant vaguely frog like creature) and I laid on top of him looking up at the stars and told him of the things I wish for. Then I had him morph into his human form, with the pale skin and dark eyes and ear holes and spots along the side of his face/neck, and I hugged him for awhile and told him how I want to visit him more often and to please play a larger role in my conscious life.
I went back to my normal sacred space where I enter, and there were a variety of outer guides (OG's) hanging around as usual. I meditated for a couple minutes, imagining pulling energy into me from the center of earth and the center of the galaxy, and then channeling it through me and into all my guides, to do whatever they wanted with. Then I closed, and went to sleep.
My dreams were troubled. I feel my sleep was fitful, and I woke up unusually early.
When I woke up, I was happy. I mean... HAPPY. I had energy, physical energy, like I really wanted to get up and do something right then. It reminded me a little of early childhood, around age 5 or so, when I would wake up and feel happy and could hardly wait to get outside to play.
All day, despite finding my garden (after the horrid ice-freezes and a year of ignoring it) a bigger disaster than I could have imagined, I just felt GLAD. Glad to be alive. And energetic. I got more 'movement' into this day than I almost ever do. Gardening and cleaning and cooking and shopping and some house odd jobs.
***
So tonight it occured to me, something that Steinbrecher actually wrote in his Inner Guide book. (His IG exercise is his own, but it is based on Jung's Active Imagination of course, as well as some similar traditions, and then steeped in his astrology and tarot.) He was theorizing that all energy 'flows freely' in a perfect sense, but that when we block an energy -- suppress it -- we are essentially "holding it under."
He suggested that its presence in our external life would be in strength to 'balance' how much we were blocking/denying/suppressing that energy. He made this little chart with several 'degree lines' and said for example, if you were really really repressing something hard, all the way to level 4, that energy would be huge in your life, because the 'power' of it, for balance, would have to be 'equal' to the power you were constantly putting into suppressing it.
OK so what occurred to me was, what if I am suddenly so energetic and such, because all that energy I was putting into repressing whatever energy conglomerate this was, has suddenly been released? So all that energy is now mine to use, rather than buried in some subconscious effort.
Oddly, my father was really unusually nice and happy today and tonight too, being so nice to me I almost wondered what was up. I did major archetype work related to him when I was 26 and I swear he changed so radically, so fast, in our relationship, that his friends actually commented on how significant it was. But I wonder if this Arch had some degree of energy that ties into him involved.
It's hard when the archetype is a mystery. And yet, I feel that IG knows a great deal more than I do, and letting him choose, or at least letting me choose generally and then him the detail, I think is a decent approach when I feel like it.
I'll do another tonight.
The night before this, I had asked IG to give me "whatever archetype I most need to integrate with, for positive benefits in my life." Now I understand that's going to be arbitrary just by nature. What energy is best for my health may not be what is best for my job, or whatever, but I trust IG.
I couldn't see the arch. This is always a sign of something I am repressing or in denial of. I did have a sense though of it being really huge and fat, sort of like a giant tweedledum but not actually human.
I used the water of life in shower mode for some time.
I restarted the meditation about a dozen times because my mind went drifting off into something else instantly in denial.
Then I used the light of life for awhile.
The arch ended up being something small, sort of crown-shaped, and unusually heavy. At this point I did the ultimate denial space-out: I fell asleep.
So yesterday early evening I was walking with the kid to the store to get some food for dinner. (I was walking because my car battery up and died.) And about every 60 seconds, I would have some mild thought - about a dog, a kid on a bike, anything - that would instantly turn into something really violent and gory. I recalled that my dreams had been like that, after falling asleep before finishing the meditation.
This happened so fast, so repeatedly, that by the time I reached the store I was scolding myself internally. Nothing (but nothing) is as bad as the time I stupidly meditated on the arch of someone ELSE, asking for the arch of whatever was giving my friend heart trouble; that was utterly terrifying, I couldn't finish it, and it stalked me for weeks in my dreams like a feral slasher-werewolf-warrior of red-red-red that made me watch up close all the horrors and then get blamed for them. Not dreams I ever want to repeat. So, this wasn't nearly as bad as that. Nothing is. But it was bad enough that I was starting to wish I could whack myself upside the head and snap out of it, it was almost frightening how instant and severe the daydreams were.
So last night I went back into the meditation, apologized for the interruption, and continued from where I left off. I was frankly a bit out of ideas for what to do with this arch. I could see it better now, it had changed form, but I was still a bit clueless. Fortunately my boyfriend had really wound me up (from a distance, alas) so I asked the arch to take human form and did a tantric merge with it. I have no idea how he liked it but I had a good time, heh! It did certainly relax me greatly with the archetype though.
When the med was over, I asked IG to take his real form (a giant vaguely frog like creature) and I laid on top of him looking up at the stars and told him of the things I wish for. Then I had him morph into his human form, with the pale skin and dark eyes and ear holes and spots along the side of his face/neck, and I hugged him for awhile and told him how I want to visit him more often and to please play a larger role in my conscious life.
I went back to my normal sacred space where I enter, and there were a variety of outer guides (OG's) hanging around as usual. I meditated for a couple minutes, imagining pulling energy into me from the center of earth and the center of the galaxy, and then channeling it through me and into all my guides, to do whatever they wanted with. Then I closed, and went to sleep.
My dreams were troubled. I feel my sleep was fitful, and I woke up unusually early.
When I woke up, I was happy. I mean... HAPPY. I had energy, physical energy, like I really wanted to get up and do something right then. It reminded me a little of early childhood, around age 5 or so, when I would wake up and feel happy and could hardly wait to get outside to play.
All day, despite finding my garden (after the horrid ice-freezes and a year of ignoring it) a bigger disaster than I could have imagined, I just felt GLAD. Glad to be alive. And energetic. I got more 'movement' into this day than I almost ever do. Gardening and cleaning and cooking and shopping and some house odd jobs.
***
So tonight it occured to me, something that Steinbrecher actually wrote in his Inner Guide book. (His IG exercise is his own, but it is based on Jung's Active Imagination of course, as well as some similar traditions, and then steeped in his astrology and tarot.) He was theorizing that all energy 'flows freely' in a perfect sense, but that when we block an energy -- suppress it -- we are essentially "holding it under."
He suggested that its presence in our external life would be in strength to 'balance' how much we were blocking/denying/suppressing that energy. He made this little chart with several 'degree lines' and said for example, if you were really really repressing something hard, all the way to level 4, that energy would be huge in your life, because the 'power' of it, for balance, would have to be 'equal' to the power you were constantly putting into suppressing it.
OK so what occurred to me was, what if I am suddenly so energetic and such, because all that energy I was putting into repressing whatever energy conglomerate this was, has suddenly been released? So all that energy is now mine to use, rather than buried in some subconscious effort.
Oddly, my father was really unusually nice and happy today and tonight too, being so nice to me I almost wondered what was up. I did major archetype work related to him when I was 26 and I swear he changed so radically, so fast, in our relationship, that his friends actually commented on how significant it was. But I wonder if this Arch had some degree of energy that ties into him involved.
It's hard when the archetype is a mystery. And yet, I feel that IG knows a great deal more than I do, and letting him choose, or at least letting me choose generally and then him the detail, I think is a decent approach when I feel like it.
I'll do another tonight.
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