I had forgotten a lot of my previous work with previous Inner Guides. I had forgotten that they taught me things, talked to me now and then, and that "lessons" were often involved. This is important stuff, geez. Practical hands-on energy stuff.
I regret spacing this out. I see that in fact, I have spaced out many 'fluency' points, my works with IGs and OGs and more, that I had forgotten were even possible.
I understand now why I've been driven to collect old accounts. Not only have I seen a lot of new things via the 'connective' overview, but I've been reminded of a lot of options and opportunity.
I think this was the change from IG#2 to IG#3. (I am currently 12/12/09 on IG#4. The change from 3 to 4 is here.)
Journal Fragment (a later part of another med), January 11, 2006
I reminded myself to get to the med already. I went down into the arch area and when my guide went to get up, like to hug me or say hi, I saw that he was leaning on a silver cane with his left hand. My Inner Guide was injured?! I couldn't even imagine such a thing so I started thinking, what does this mean, why am I creating this? I go to him and I realize that this is different, but I feel it must be done: I have to work on him as if he is an archetype.
So I put him on an elevated table of light and I pass my hands over him and I feel that the problem is from just below his hip to just above his knee -- the entire left upper leg. I give myself xray-style vision so I can see 'into' the leg to see the injury, and I see the whole thing -- and it's (this is so funny) like clockworkings or something. It's like he is an android or something. I can see how gears are gummed and things like that.
Now I've had tech symbols in archs before, no big deal, but I still couldn't figure out why he was showing injury, let alone what it meant that this was metallic inside. So I do an ordinary visualization on him, and I clean everything et al. All seems well and better.
But something wasn't right. I stepped back from him, and looked at him. He was looking at me (I've gotten to 'see' him though it's still 'sensing', much better the last 11 days).
"What's wrong?" he says.
"Something isn't right," I say hesitantly. "Like I don't feel... it's not just like I don't feel a connection, as lack of practice or something I've a real problem with can cause that. It's more like... well ok, it's like, I did everything, and I finished it, and now I am looking at you and it, and I don't feel that "sense of rightness" in my gut. The one that tells me that it is ok, that I have done what needed doing."
He sits up, then stands up, and reaches for my hands and takes them, and as I look at him and he looks down at me I realize and understand: he is leaving me.
We just had this conversation not long ago about how he could NOT LEAVE ME without telling me. I said, "Oh no! Oh, no, why would you be leaving me? Why would I need to get a new guide now? Noooo! I've had you for so long! I love you!"
And he hugs me and I "grok" without words that it was a test. That seeing if I could differentiate between "just a visualization" vs. "a visualization based on a legitimate energy construct" was the point of it. His 'injury' and the inner leg he showed me, none of it was real, though it seemed no different to me on the surface than anything else. It was only the gut sense that made me feel it wasn't like other things I worked with.
I gave him a rather tearful goodbye, and he left.
I was standing there thinking, that is a lot of inner change for one day, having your inner landscape change drastically, and now my guide I've had for years has left me.
A new guide appears. I can't see him clearly, which is normal for me when just-meeting an inner guide, except this is different: most of them, I just can't see anything, just a vague sense of them. But him, I could see something pretty well, it's just that all I could see was a sort of white "energy envelope" around him, blocking him, rather than seeing him normally with features and so on.
I can't help but be a little distant from him. I know I will love him muchly, but right then all I could feel was that he wasn't the guide I had gotten so attached to.
I told him I'd like to do a meditation on an archetype that would do me the most good at this moment in time, whatever that was.
A gigantic, sort of inflated bird, maybe eagle-ish but not proportional (like a cartoon maybe), like 10 feet tall and nearly that wide, appears in front of me. I eye the bird, deciding not to auto-force it to size to suit me, feeling that the oversize was one of the things I needed to deal with as a process. I start the work of the first basics (cleaning/clearing, etc.) as that often has some effect on any symptom right off.
Then I feel that, like a meditation I had recently, that I needed to learn to work on issues as if they "were" me, rather than "projected outward" into the archetype. So I began to do what I'd done in the previous med where this idea first came across, go 'into' him, but it didn't work. He didn't want me there, or I wasn't ready, or for whatever reason it wasn't doable.
I was a little disconcerted, and then I remembered this movie I once saw, where a 'faith healer' sort of 'took on' a woman's musculature disease to heal her of it. I wondered if that was safe all things considered! Then I thought well, the archetypal universe in here is all ME though right? I mean it's already me. So I don't see why 'taking on' my archetype's issues would be a big deal. It's just then I'd be dealing with it very personally instead of from the outside.
So I 'took on' the bird's issues, and literally my physical body did this weird shifting at the same time I was visualizing all this. And then I called in various dynamics and processes to cure 'myself', with the clear intent that I was reflecting that arch and it was getting the same energy.
My mind wandered a bit. Then I felt as if my IG whacked me or something! Not hard, just a thump for attention. I suddenly came back to what I was doing, realized I'd fallen into a half-sleep half-dream instead of my med, and realized that my new IG had a way diff response to this: he totally expected better of me and was not as "open to whatever" as my last guide was. For some weird reason I felt the need to say out loud exactly three times, "I'll do better! I'll do better! I'll do better!" and then refocused.
When it was fully done I put my hands out and sent it my energy like a bridge or "confirmation" of our connection. Then I stood back, and I looked over at inner guide, and his face got slightly clearer for me, and all these realizations HIT me at once like a ROTE sort of. To summarize it all, it's like:
If you learn to attune yourself, you can feel everything outside, on the inside.
I used to do "reality med" exercises, where I'd look at 'patterns' inside to see a situation outside in my world, and work to change the patterns as needed. And "archetype med" exercises, where I assumed the archs represent my inner belief systems/relationships with energy. And often in either type of med, I'd get a feeling that a given "issue" for me was for example manifesting in my body in tension or an actual issue in a certain place.
The new IG made me realize I was breaking up into separate pieces a process which is really just a "continuum," just like RV and Tarot and other things are part of a continuum of psi.
I had a rewind of the memory of being in Seattle and once "feeling" colors inside my body, actually feeling where inside my body they impacted. (I'd had a small dose of that when highly 'aware' with classical music, of feeling the sounds as if they were colors and shapes moving around inside my torso.) In Seattle one day I could feel how different colors of 'real' things touched me inside my body and how fake colors mostly didn't (like signs). Walking to work a different way I came around a corner facing a vividly deep red rose bush, and it felt like those sudden shocking air-blowing eye machines at the old optometrists, except right on my heart! -- WOW. I still remember that pretty vividly.
I realized that this was an example of "feeling what is outside you, inside you."
I might feel it in my body; I might feel it like it is a geometry or shape; I might feel it like it is a strange creature I need to interact with somehow. But everything OUTside me, is INside me.
Yes I know! -- we know this, we've even talked about this. I do know that even my trashcan is a "reality dream symbol" that means something. If I desired to have a tall skinny silver trashcan vs. a short wicker basket vs. an ugly bag next to my desk, all these things would be very literal, physically manifested symbols, representing energies of me and of relationship with me. The same goes for people, events, locations, etc.
I abruptly realized that this was the point of the previous archmed with the inflated bird, that I half-got but then missed while doing it. I was right, in that, the arch is *already* part of me, so why would I need to recreate it inside myself. It was not that I actually created inside me the arch's shape etc. I already had it. What I did was *find it inside myself.* And then I went WHOA! flash to remote viewing and "if you could find it within yourself..." this ALL ties together.
There are several other 'layers' and things I don't even remember that was part of this but it really kind of amazed me, this really different way of looking at things -- and realizing that now, PRACTICE means actually DOING THIS in my life, just like I used to do a decade ago when I was really into reality meds and energy work -- feeling inside myself for anything that got my attention, and 'working with' whatever I found, even if it was just offbeat geometrical shapes or whatever. (I mean in normal life.)
Long ago, I had spontaneously done it right. I just had no idea what the hell I was doing. Now I understand what I need to do and how to do it and why. And better yet, I understand why this connects internally to RV yet is a way bigger subject even than the larger world of psi.
So, all that finally passed, and my new IG and I were then much more friendly and affectionate-feeling after sharing all that, compared to initially. And I say ok well, I need to leave, but my former IG has usually been giving me something to wear or absorb or otherwise interact with before I go, do you want to do anything like that?
And he said yeah, and he gave me a little container just like the one my former IG had just given me yesterday, which had contained a flattened oval of pure gold with ancient script on it. It's about the size and shape of an executive pen-set gift box.
So, eager with anticipation, I open it, and I can't really see what's in it; there is a vague sense of something actually blocking my sight, like a tiny piece of his white energy envelope.
I decide I'll just ignore that and reach out for the gift but then I think, no, wait a minute. I don't feel it's right that I should allow myself to "ignore not seeing." This in fact is a very literal problem I've had spiritually, resulting in dreams where I yell at myself, 'You must seeeee! You must seeeee!' so it seemed kind of ironic that I would be willing to "not see" in this case.
So I stopped and forced the tiny energy cloud away from me so I could see, and as I reached for it, I realized that inside the box were two sharp as knives horrid insects of some kind. Now, insects are common symbology for me as you know. So that alone wasn't shocking. And oddly I had no inner "gut sense" of revulsion or fear that I normally have with any archetypal energy that takes that form. It was just something that personally, I felt that was not good for me.
"I am not touching those things." I say flatly to my new IG.
Wow. Understand, I've never, ever, even considered NOT accepting something an IG gave me before. I've had meditations that took DAYS to complete, hours per day, required calling in every good arch, hiding behind them, doing the med with my eyes wide open in the daylight -- I mean, that intense, that frightening or scary. But I have never once questioned that what an inner guide gave me is what I should work with.
"Pick them up," he says.
"I'm not touching the f-ing things" I snap, not angry, just confused about WHY a guide would be giving me something that I just don't feel is right.
I wonder, is he a real guide? Maybe something weird is going on?? How could he not be real, he was so good for me in that med we just did with all those realizations about reality!
And he waves the box into oblivion and suddenly I can see him so much better! And he smiles really kindly now, and he says, "You passed a lot of tests today. This is a lesson of import: you are responsible for yourself."
I say, "Oh.... oh, wow. But wait. You're my IG. You wouldn't hurt me, you're part of me!"
And he said, "The only thing that really IS likely to hurt you is something that is a part of you. Just because something is a part of you doesn't mean that it is fully -- if at all -- integrated with your conscious intent, or that it will not on some level work against you or even harm you."
I thought, like subconscious sabotage. He said "Yes, though this is a much bigger subject than that. You need to FEEL inside you for what is outside. You need to FEEL whether a visualization is working for real or is just an exercise. You need to KNOW, and trust that knowing, when something is not good for you, and not allow yourself to accept things that harm you."
I had a variety of thoughts on many levels then, that he was showing me, about how this pertains to my daily life and relationships.
There was also a sense that I was about to get into deeper water in my meditations and interactions with.. whatever, and that these various lessons were critical to my operating on that level and safely.
I figured I better write it down before I forget it.
PJ
Showing posts with label insights. Show all posts
Showing posts with label insights. Show all posts
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Aeon Round, 25nov09
Wed evening. It's after 10:30pm and I have no more excuse to avoid doing the Aeon Round (as I am calling it, going around the circle of the Aeons with the mantra prayer) which I should have done this morning before work, and as it's a lovely avoidance of the Archmed I'm supposed to be doing instead, I decide to do that.
My hands change with each, as I imagine touching them in various ways spontaneously, holding hands or hugging, sitting on someone's shoulders if they are a man (or giant statue...), whatever.
Nothing unusual until I reach Marcan. With Marcan I feel him more pronouncedly than usual. My hands together like in the Lord's Prayer, in front of my face, I feel he is putting his hands on the outside of mine, and I pray. But he is so "there with me", literally as if he is nearly-real and his face is just near mine, that after the mantra I just sit there, feeling "with him", close to him, close like someone you are not quite kissing.
And then finally he merges into me, and I don't feel any rush at all, but I feel quite sincerely that this is successful and that I and He are now 'we'. I feel my hands are also his, my perspective is also his, and that he is getting as used to me as I am to him in this.
It does not feel quite like the rapport-merge that some remote viewing can bring. It is not like a foreign-person, like a me-plus-something-else. It is more like another aspect of myself, but which does have its own personality, becoming "a larger percentage of the conscious-me", like a me-expanded.
We move on to Hot Amanakhaton and there is a difference, I feel. I am WE, now. How WE relate to HA is not quite the same as how I relate to him. It's like a formula and it has changed a little. I find that interesting.
We move to Jared and El Nino and are clasping his hand, the other on El Nino's forward flank, and somehow it feels like our relationship is a little... different. I don't have a word for the feeling. I have the distant, humorous observation that this has some relationship to Jared sometimes drinking too much and singing loudly during those times, that some of Marcan's energy is part of that. I feel in a subtle way that this has told me something about Jared I didn't know myself, that I got from Marcan.
We move on to Calm´ and she throws her arms around us, and I feel she is more beloved than usual, more adorable-as-small-feminine than usual, and I realize that Marcan is closer, more integrated, with her than I am, perhaps. I feel a slight merge, not too much.
We move on to Maelee and suddenly the difference is clear. It did not before occur to me that just because I might be better integrated with a couple of the Aeons does not mean they are 100% integrated with each other. I mean they're not 100% because they are different, but we all are part of the same larger Being and we overlap. I think at a spiritual level it is fuller than at the conscious level for whatever identity(s) we wear as 'surface personalities'. But I suddenly had the sense that in some kind of 'real life', Maelee did not really accept most the energy of Marcan, much like until recently I had not accepted the energy of any of them, and that although this is only a 'minor' effect for me, it is still a sort of effect. Following on this was a sense that the more I integrate them all 'through' me (as if through-my-middle), the more I actually help all of them in their own individual 'incarnate personalities' integrate with each other. That we all affect one another.
I felt that since I had recently done much with Maelee for us to be more merged, that now that I and Marcan were more-merged-than-usual at this moment, that she would be 'able' to accept more of the energy in me that is also-his, while he and I were merged. A doorway of sorts; a bridge-of-self. I imagined us putting our hands above the the heart and solar plexus chakras of Maelee and sending loving gold energy into her to 'share' it. My whole body from my crown to my toes got energy-shivers like crazy, and we poured energy into her as much as she would take, until the shivers stopped.
We continued to Nedlund. Though I felt some difference, nothing too unusual.
We continued to Nero, and we exclaimed with joy and threw our arms around each other. I got such body-rushing then from the merge, and realized with some surprise that this was ME -- I mean, that Marcan is better integrated with Nero than I am and I was getting the merge effect from a greater-energy with Nero, thanks to my merge with Marcan. We did the mantra then, and then Nero joined us in the merge.
I considered my bedroom walls as a tri-une entity. OK, this is a little weird but cool, I thought at them, remembering a dream someone once told me of such an experience, thinking this must be a very 'lite' version of it -- I didn't feel possessed, not like with viewing rapport, it was 'present-but-subtle'. I was wondering how we could be one and three at the same time. Then I remembered, one or both of them reminding me, that I am one and four at the same time when I am Four of Four, and it is the same, feels about the same, at least as far as the one-and-multiple perspectives combined does.
I looked at my laptop screen, at the round of the Aeons I have on the background, that I keep up while doing the meditation, noting the pics of Marcan and Nero with some quirky interest, feeling their different perspectives on the pictures. And you? I felt. My picture isn't on there. I imagined how I looked. Then I tilted the screen to reflect me, darkly. Eyes rather like that picture of Bohleren, one of them thought, I wasn't sure which. I felt pleased that they were pleased to see me, as if emotion somehow was amplified when the same one was felt by more than one of us at a time.
I remembered something I recently read that kinda referred to that, in the latest Wheel of Time book, between an Aes Sedai and her Warder, and I wondered idly if Robert Jordan, whose 'weave' approach to energy is remarkably useful as a real model in energy work (wish I'd had it a long time ago), might have been bringing forth a lot of truth in his writing, even without knowing it, as his own relationship with his own Aeons even if he were oblivious to it.
We then turned as-three to do the last mantra of the Round, the one where I imagine merging with The Four and then doing it once again 'as' them and 'through' them 'to' all 12 of the Aeons. It was very different though. I could feel that they were more able to integrate with the Third of Four than with the first two. Still, less with him than me. Much of the first two was opaque to them. I wondered if perhaps it is different for them. Do they have their own, different version of -- or just different -- The Four? Who knows? I didn't feel an answer to that.
I couldn't tell if they were not integrated, or if the two did not choose to share. Sometimes in the past, they -- especially the Senior -- do not choose to share with me, either. I have such a sense of 'Holy and powerful' from him, and 'Spiritual royalty' from her, that I do not question this. It isn't even my place. It's just an honor to have any part of them when we are merged, I feel. I'd like to be more flippant as I am about many things but the sense of awe with them is too real, still. So I don't know why I felt they were not at all sharing/overlapping with Nero and Marcus -- even though it was, ironically, the Senior who brought me the Consortium the first time, to merge with, when I was afraid of all of them and clung to the Third like a child.
Finished with that, we considered Bolehren, Taan, L'Anna and Ray, whom I had already done the mantra-prayer with prior to Marcan. I imagined the triune of us (me, Marcan and Nero) merging with them. It was rather odd. I expected to feel... I dunno. More aware. Larger. I actually felt "denser" -- but not really in a good way. More like... more complicated, but not more clear; with more energy but not necessarily more power, as some degree of... singularity is required for that conversion.
I had thought that I would get some kind of a rush. Actually there were these... you might call them "subtle rivulets of energy" that I could feel somewhere "deep inside" like spiritually, the side-effect of the merge for them, because of the differing integrations that each of us have with the others, but not in my body anywhere, nothing. I was puzzled.
But why? I asked them all, going through the list of them now 'in' me and then letting my perspective just feel... changed. I think it was Nero who said, because you only get what we ALL can share, and the more of us together, the smaller a grouping of energy that is. I struggled to get my brain around this idea.
Why wouldn't more of them "in" me be more powerful, not less? That felt completely counter-intuitive!
Opacity, is the word that came to mind, and I wondered if it was Ithikah commenting helpfully on observing this, as I saw and felt as the word rolled out in me, a variety of shapes coming together like in a computer graphic to demonstrate. So to translate, hopefully accurately here, and to make it simplistic and math-based:
If L'Anna and I share points 1-5 energy, and Ray and I share points 3-8 energy, and L'Anna and Ray share points 1-2 and 6-7 energy, then when I am 'me' I have 'access to points 1-8. But as-me, I have a sort of extra strength in 1-5 from L'Anna, extra from 3-8 from Ray, and twice as much extra in 1-2 and 6-7 because I have both of them 'supporting' that energy in me. But if we are literally together, merged, not just me-having-access to them, then points 3-5 and 8 are sort of 'suppressed or dimmed' because either Ray and/or L'Anna cannot 'allow/absorb/merge' with that energy.
Of course, 1-2 and 6-7 are extra-strong because all of us are integrated 'with' that energy. So it becomes a sort of trade-off. If I were doing something that really needed 1-2 and 6-7, or any of those, and it didn't matter than 3-5 and 8 were pretty much out of the picture, then this would be a good merge to have when doing energy work. If 4 were critical though, then I would probably not want them together with me, because their lack of integration on that point suppresses it in the final merged-identity, despite that both of them share it with me. If I wanted to merge with more than one of them for something requiring point 4, I would need to find an Aeon that one of them shared that point in common with.
This probably makes no sense to anybody else, as I have to render this into an "abstract". I am referring to energy work, healing and magick here, indirectly, and to the "parts of self" which may be best evoked for certain focii. I don't normally give this much thought, but today's Aeon Round just brought it all to focus I guess.
I typed the above and then thought I'd se if we could just have a conversation as I type.
So is the "integrate with me fully" not good for the mantra? I asked the Aeons at large.
Nero: It's good from your perspective, yes. You only control your own focus, though. The focus and integration that each part of our larger Being has, just like your own, is their decision.
Me: But... but what if I want more of this... this energy, this power, this integration? What if the energy of say, Marcan and Maelee is important to me, and I need them to merge more so that I in turn have better access to it? Is that mercenary? Can I help them to integrate better with each other, for the sake of me and our whole larger-Being or group?
Nero: Yes. Though you are unaware of the work you do on that level, what you might call spiritually. But the more focus you give this intent from your physical incarnate focus personality, the more energy you are giving to that spiritual work.
Me: So... I can't "do" it on purpose but my prayers can "help" the part of me that does it on purpose.
Nero: Basically right.
Me: So what would that... that spiritual part of me do, just out of curiosity, to bring about that end result?
Nero: Well it might show up in a vision or meditation and introduce itself to someone who avoided it for years and then laughed at its name.
Me: Wha -- oh! OH! You mean -- you mean like you and me! (I sense he is grinning.) You mean... oh. So... YOU got more... "aware". And as part of your own... evolution, you might say, you began to... encounter "other aspects of a larger self." And as part of that growth process, you... began to encourage those aspects to themselves become more aware, more integrated, with more of their larger self.
I sensed he agreed. I thought about this for a bit.
Me: So you mean that although we may evolve -- I don't much like that word, it's so badly used in the new-age world -- we evolve as individuals, that we also evolve as larger-identities. So this would imply that larger-entities like Angels -- and maybe even God Itself, if It is "the sum of All" as some models say -- is always evolving. And that every smallest part -- blade of grass, as the Buddhists might say -- has a role in the evolution of even the largest parts. And the largest parts become more free and more-of-God in part by aiding the evolution of the smaller parts because those are part of them. Er, I think the whole size and evolution part of this thinking-on-paper is screwing it up. It's not that linear. But if you see what I mean?
Nero: You have the right idea, generally.
Me: So long ago in 'The Rainbow of Soul' theory I wrote in Bewilderness, it was actually the right idea. Just... well, a lot more personalized than I had any idea. Hey. Seth once said part of him was a dog. Another part had been some past Pope. How does that work? Why are none of my Aeons dogs, for example? My Four once showed me that we are all things -- light beings, creatures, aliens, people and many of them, etc. Are we also blades of grass? Bugs? Cats? Kitchen tables?
Nero: All is one. But obviously within that there is a great deal of detail --
Me: But wait. Where would inanimates come into this? I mean ok so let's say all energy is one, fine, we're all so buddhic sounding now I love it, but there is my slant-desk five feet away, made of wood. What Being is that table part of, if any? What spirit would have what to do with it? Is it the guy who designed it? Who made it? Who cut down the tree? Who ran the machine that put the finish on? Who put it in a box? It is part of Me? Is there any way that anything could NOT be part of spirit if consciousness is inherent in every particle of energy? (Yes -- RV and my spiritual life have made me an Accidental Animist, as I say.) But much like I gripe about how the Enochian tablets had no map to humans, I also don't get how my Aeons or the Four have any map to my desk over there. How does it all relate?
I remembered an article I read once about how we constantly trade atoms with every physical thing around us -- so physicists say. The more we are around our cat and our desk chair, the more that they are literally part of us, and we are literally part of them.
I remembered experiences where I have 'gained rapport' with seemingly inanimate objects. A metal recycling bin, for example. I could feel that it was not 'self-aware' and I could feel that our consciousness (for lack of a better word) was able to "merge" -- it has no hard borders -- and that with the addition of mine, it could *almost* communicate, and its perception was radically expanded during that time, from its norm. I remember understanding that IT was having a profoundly spiritual experience. And that when we suddenly gain "cosmic insight" and "become all" or whatever humans have as mystical experiences, that it is, essentially, "sharing a larger perspective" -- just like that locking trashcan was with me -- we do this with 'larger identities'. I was a vastly larger, more complex identity than it. Yet I loved it. It was like a cool drink of water. It was so pure, so simple, comparatively, in a wonderful way. Maybe that is how Angels feel about us.
I supposed those memories were 'answers'.
Me: So... so you're telling me that the wooden desk five feet away is part of my spiritual evolution? I can't decide if this is insightful or retarded.
Ray: Look at your hands.
Me: Hey, it's Ray! OK that's novel. OK my hands. Uh, sorta chubby. Otherwise normal I guess.
Ray: Are they part of you?
Me: Well sure. I guess.
Ray: So why can't the desk be part of you?
Me: It isn't part of my body!
Ray: It sits within your energy field (several of them, actually). It shares many atoms with you and you with it. Yes, much of its composition is energy from other sources, and it is equally those sources in spirit. The tree. Other people. Other objects and locations. But right now the dominant influence by far is you.
Me: Uh. So how would I 'evolve' the desk? Oh my god. I sound like such a moron.
Ray: The same way you contribute to anything else. You send it loving energy.
Me: You think I should love my desk.
Ray: I think you should love anything and everything that is around you or that you come into contact with.
Me: But how can a desk evolve? I mean it's not like it can die and go to heaven or be reincarnated.
Ray: You think a body has to die to evolve?
Me: I -- well, hang on. I guess I assumed. Doesn't it? I mean ok, I could become a lot more... 'aware' as a person. I suppose a table could too but I really feel so stupid even saying that. But at some point... well let's say that a person got so evolved, like a Buddha or something, that they were... uh... larger. Or ready to become larger, like a larger entity. Like some kind of minor Angel, and I use the term loosely as I really don't know the cosmic heirarchy or anything and I'm not really using the biblical definition of them, it's probably more complex than that. OK but doesn't the person have to die in order to... well, to become that new Being?
Ray: If there is no time, how can any Being die? (Or be born, for that matter?)
Me: Well -- oh heck. You're frying my brain! Well how do you move on from being one thing to being another?
Ray: Think about it.
I'm starting to get grumpy now.
Oh. Merging. Ohhhhh................
Me: So... it isn't that you cease being a table and become a dog, cease being a dog and become a person, cease being a person and become an Angel, or whatever. You are always all of those things. The more one is able to ... expand awareness, the more one realizes it. So... so Seth knows that he is a Dog, and a Pope, and Seth, and Jane, and because from HIS perspective he is very 'aware', he knows all that. But as the Dog, he doesn't know.
I thought about this for a bit.
Me: So what's the value to the Dog in all this? How does that poor dog benefit from the expansion of consciousness? What's he get out of it, if he is always and evermore, outside of time, "a dog"?
Ray: Every lifeform has what you might call an absorption point. A degree of sentience that is the maximum potential of that species, physically and energetically. He can, eventually as you might put it in time-terms, become his most Ideal. His reality -- the probabilities he experiences -- would change as this happened as well, of course.
Me: So... so you mean that eventually, he would be like the perfectly sentient spiritual dog having the perfectly blissful joyous life. Er, eventually. Maybe today... or maybe not... but at some point prior to some eventual ultimate evolution of the universe or God, he could be that.
Ray: OK.
Me: And... and the more his... "larger awareness" grew, the more that awareness could HELP him toward that ultimate-evolution-toward-Ideal goal. Like Nero and all of you guys helping me. Which might, actually, be just as much a matter of our larger-Being helping itself to evolve, and ITS larger-being helping it in turn, and... my god! This seems hopelessly complex!
Ray: Actually it is profoundly simple. It is all one dynamic. It operates the same for everything, everyone, under every condition.
Me: I used to say "All things long for evolvement." Even inanimates and bugs, at some level. So... this is true.
Ray: Yes.
Me: But is there value to my becoming 'aware' of 'also being' some % of the atoms in my wooden desk? I mean really, what is the point of these obscure metaphysics?
Ray: Was there value to your awareness with the metal recycling bin?
Me: Oh yeah, that was awesome. Oh. I see. Well what if I don't want to be part of my wooden desk?
Ray: You have the focus you choose. Remove it from your focus if you wish. Your physical proximity to it however will share energy with it, which is another form of focus, as long as it is near you.
Me: Energy is focus? What do you mean? Isn't focus whatever I am thinking about?
Ray: Yes, but there is a level of awareness to all the atoms in your physically manifest forms as well as to all the atoms that used to be part of them (or that will be part of them). There is a difference between what is inherently part of you and what you choose to pay attention to. You can change many things in your reality based on what you pay attention to, but from the perspective of your physical personality, everything that shares energy with your physical form is a part of you. You might think of it, as an analogy, as like DNA. You can 'invoke' or 'manifest' certain aspects of your genetics, while suppressing others as 'latent', but it is all part of you.
Me: I see. I think. (I sat quietly for awhile, thinking.) Ray, earlier today I was thinking about my idealized self. I had this incredible dream many years ago where I met her. It was like an alternate self. I was so in love with her. I so wanted to be her. I wanted to even be near her. She made me feel so awesome. It seems odd you would bring up the 'Ideal' self of things on the very day I was having these thoughts, when I haven't thought of that in so many years.
Ray: As Taan said previously, we are always with you. This conversation did not begin when you became aware of it. It has been and will be going on, is one way of putting it.
Me: Wait. You mean... you mean this talk we're having now, you are... interacting with me, like 12 hours ago, which is why I am -- I mean, was -- thinking about that?
Ray: Yes. It always works that way, you know. Much of what you dismiss as "imagination" because it ties into experience or ideas that you had recently is simply a matter of experience and communication having a broader span of time overall, in your terms, than what your conscious mind is actively aware of. So you noticed a character especially in a TV show, and then met L'Anna later who told you she had encouraged your 'awareness' of this character as your feelings toward the pretty doctor/scientist/healer were a good model for a relationship with her. This did not make her imagination, it simply was because her communication with you spanned a range before your conscious introduction to and acceptance of her as what you call an Aeon.
Me: That is such a dumb name, by the way. My friends think I'm such a retard, I'm sure of it. Why does this word come to mind to name you guys that, rather than Guides? OK I know why not-guides, I feel the difference. But why that term?
Ray: It has a combination of meanings, and relationship inside you, that make it appropriate.
Me: So... if it has different meanings to my friend Jane, then the term wouldn't really work for Jane even for the same experience.
Ray: Of course.
Me: Well but heck, we would all cease using the same language if that were the case. Every single language would become its own Tower of Babel -- since every perspective is different!
Ray: To a great degree you do all use a different language, for that reason. Much like so-called consensus reality, there is an underlying agreement to meet in the areas that do not conflict. This is as true for language as it is for shared reality -- actually even moreso. You do not by any means truly relate to words the same way, even if you may (mostly) share a dictionary definition of the word.
Me: Oh. Nero?
Nero: Here.
Me: Do you know Ray?
Nero: Yes.
Me: Are you guys fully... uh, integrated?
Nero: No. But we are much moreso than Marcan and Maelee, for example.
Me: OK, well this brings me back to where I began. So... so my own evolution depends on you guys?
Nero: Your own evolution depends on you.
Me: Well yeah but, the larger-me, I have to integrate into that, right, to awareness of that, and then all that awareness has to sort of become aware of each other, which is becoming aware of itself of course, and then -- wait. And then that larger Being would... become aware of... something akin to The Four, or The Consortium, next level up?
Nero: This is more... heirarchical than it should be, but in your models, yes, this is basically the dynamic.
Me: So that means my evolution depends on you!
Ray: What you are not seeing is that at the point where you become aware of a given energy, it becomes part of you. Your definition of "you" changes. So you are not dependent on someone-else for 'your' evolution. You are always, at every moment, dependent on 'you'.
Me: Ah so. I think I see.
Well, the kid came in, so this has to stop and we're going to watch hulu.com instead for awhile.
P.S. I cannot believe I TOTALLY FORGOT this. This morning (was it this morning??) I had begun the Aeon Round and got interrupted. I stopped on Marcan and I was going to do a solo tantric thing and give him all my energy. He works with creative stuff and viewing, he told me, so I thought it would be a good focus (him vs. all the other options). But I couldn't make it happen, just didn't have the energy, and stopped long before completion. I guess I see why I forgot. I have slept twice since then! Albeit naps. It feels like a long time away.
Anyway it can't be coincidence that I was doing that kind of tantra focus on Marcan and then it just so turns out he was the one that I "felt" so physically tonight -- even though I had totally consciously forgotten all about this. I wonder, if I'd succeeded and given him my energy would it still have been that way? Curious.
PJ
My hands change with each, as I imagine touching them in various ways spontaneously, holding hands or hugging, sitting on someone's shoulders if they are a man (or giant statue...), whatever.
Nothing unusual until I reach Marcan. With Marcan I feel him more pronouncedly than usual. My hands together like in the Lord's Prayer, in front of my face, I feel he is putting his hands on the outside of mine, and I pray. But he is so "there with me", literally as if he is nearly-real and his face is just near mine, that after the mantra I just sit there, feeling "with him", close to him, close like someone you are not quite kissing.
And then finally he merges into me, and I don't feel any rush at all, but I feel quite sincerely that this is successful and that I and He are now 'we'. I feel my hands are also his, my perspective is also his, and that he is getting as used to me as I am to him in this.
It does not feel quite like the rapport-merge that some remote viewing can bring. It is not like a foreign-person, like a me-plus-something-else. It is more like another aspect of myself, but which does have its own personality, becoming "a larger percentage of the conscious-me", like a me-expanded.
We move on to Hot Amanakhaton and there is a difference, I feel. I am WE, now. How WE relate to HA is not quite the same as how I relate to him. It's like a formula and it has changed a little. I find that interesting.
We move to Jared and El Nino and are clasping his hand, the other on El Nino's forward flank, and somehow it feels like our relationship is a little... different. I don't have a word for the feeling. I have the distant, humorous observation that this has some relationship to Jared sometimes drinking too much and singing loudly during those times, that some of Marcan's energy is part of that. I feel in a subtle way that this has told me something about Jared I didn't know myself, that I got from Marcan.
We move on to Calm´ and she throws her arms around us, and I feel she is more beloved than usual, more adorable-as-small-feminine than usual, and I realize that Marcan is closer, more integrated, with her than I am, perhaps. I feel a slight merge, not too much.
We move on to Maelee and suddenly the difference is clear. It did not before occur to me that just because I might be better integrated with a couple of the Aeons does not mean they are 100% integrated with each other. I mean they're not 100% because they are different, but we all are part of the same larger Being and we overlap. I think at a spiritual level it is fuller than at the conscious level for whatever identity(s) we wear as 'surface personalities'. But I suddenly had the sense that in some kind of 'real life', Maelee did not really accept most the energy of Marcan, much like until recently I had not accepted the energy of any of them, and that although this is only a 'minor' effect for me, it is still a sort of effect. Following on this was a sense that the more I integrate them all 'through' me (as if through-my-middle), the more I actually help all of them in their own individual 'incarnate personalities' integrate with each other. That we all affect one another.
I felt that since I had recently done much with Maelee for us to be more merged, that now that I and Marcan were more-merged-than-usual at this moment, that she would be 'able' to accept more of the energy in me that is also-his, while he and I were merged. A doorway of sorts; a bridge-of-self. I imagined us putting our hands above the the heart and solar plexus chakras of Maelee and sending loving gold energy into her to 'share' it. My whole body from my crown to my toes got energy-shivers like crazy, and we poured energy into her as much as she would take, until the shivers stopped.
We continued to Nedlund. Though I felt some difference, nothing too unusual.
We continued to Nero, and we exclaimed with joy and threw our arms around each other. I got such body-rushing then from the merge, and realized with some surprise that this was ME -- I mean, that Marcan is better integrated with Nero than I am and I was getting the merge effect from a greater-energy with Nero, thanks to my merge with Marcan. We did the mantra then, and then Nero joined us in the merge.
I considered my bedroom walls as a tri-une entity. OK, this is a little weird but cool, I thought at them, remembering a dream someone once told me of such an experience, thinking this must be a very 'lite' version of it -- I didn't feel possessed, not like with viewing rapport, it was 'present-but-subtle'. I was wondering how we could be one and three at the same time. Then I remembered, one or both of them reminding me, that I am one and four at the same time when I am Four of Four, and it is the same, feels about the same, at least as far as the one-and-multiple perspectives combined does.
I looked at my laptop screen, at the round of the Aeons I have on the background, that I keep up while doing the meditation, noting the pics of Marcan and Nero with some quirky interest, feeling their different perspectives on the pictures. And you? I felt. My picture isn't on there. I imagined how I looked. Then I tilted the screen to reflect me, darkly. Eyes rather like that picture of Bohleren, one of them thought, I wasn't sure which. I felt pleased that they were pleased to see me, as if emotion somehow was amplified when the same one was felt by more than one of us at a time.
I remembered something I recently read that kinda referred to that, in the latest Wheel of Time book, between an Aes Sedai and her Warder, and I wondered idly if Robert Jordan, whose 'weave' approach to energy is remarkably useful as a real model in energy work (wish I'd had it a long time ago), might have been bringing forth a lot of truth in his writing, even without knowing it, as his own relationship with his own Aeons even if he were oblivious to it.
We then turned as-three to do the last mantra of the Round, the one where I imagine merging with The Four and then doing it once again 'as' them and 'through' them 'to' all 12 of the Aeons. It was very different though. I could feel that they were more able to integrate with the Third of Four than with the first two. Still, less with him than me. Much of the first two was opaque to them. I wondered if perhaps it is different for them. Do they have their own, different version of -- or just different -- The Four? Who knows? I didn't feel an answer to that.
I couldn't tell if they were not integrated, or if the two did not choose to share. Sometimes in the past, they -- especially the Senior -- do not choose to share with me, either. I have such a sense of 'Holy and powerful' from him, and 'Spiritual royalty' from her, that I do not question this. It isn't even my place. It's just an honor to have any part of them when we are merged, I feel. I'd like to be more flippant as I am about many things but the sense of awe with them is too real, still. So I don't know why I felt they were not at all sharing/overlapping with Nero and Marcus -- even though it was, ironically, the Senior who brought me the Consortium the first time, to merge with, when I was afraid of all of them and clung to the Third like a child.
Finished with that, we considered Bolehren, Taan, L'Anna and Ray, whom I had already done the mantra-prayer with prior to Marcan. I imagined the triune of us (me, Marcan and Nero) merging with them. It was rather odd. I expected to feel... I dunno. More aware. Larger. I actually felt "denser" -- but not really in a good way. More like... more complicated, but not more clear; with more energy but not necessarily more power, as some degree of... singularity is required for that conversion.
I had thought that I would get some kind of a rush. Actually there were these... you might call them "subtle rivulets of energy" that I could feel somewhere "deep inside" like spiritually, the side-effect of the merge for them, because of the differing integrations that each of us have with the others, but not in my body anywhere, nothing. I was puzzled.
But why? I asked them all, going through the list of them now 'in' me and then letting my perspective just feel... changed. I think it was Nero who said, because you only get what we ALL can share, and the more of us together, the smaller a grouping of energy that is. I struggled to get my brain around this idea.
Why wouldn't more of them "in" me be more powerful, not less? That felt completely counter-intuitive!
Opacity, is the word that came to mind, and I wondered if it was Ithikah commenting helpfully on observing this, as I saw and felt as the word rolled out in me, a variety of shapes coming together like in a computer graphic to demonstrate. So to translate, hopefully accurately here, and to make it simplistic and math-based:
If L'Anna and I share points 1-5 energy, and Ray and I share points 3-8 energy, and L'Anna and Ray share points 1-2 and 6-7 energy, then when I am 'me' I have 'access to points 1-8. But as-me, I have a sort of extra strength in 1-5 from L'Anna, extra from 3-8 from Ray, and twice as much extra in 1-2 and 6-7 because I have both of them 'supporting' that energy in me. But if we are literally together, merged, not just me-having-access to them, then points 3-5 and 8 are sort of 'suppressed or dimmed' because either Ray and/or L'Anna cannot 'allow/absorb/merge' with that energy.
Of course, 1-2 and 6-7 are extra-strong because all of us are integrated 'with' that energy. So it becomes a sort of trade-off. If I were doing something that really needed 1-2 and 6-7, or any of those, and it didn't matter than 3-5 and 8 were pretty much out of the picture, then this would be a good merge to have when doing energy work. If 4 were critical though, then I would probably not want them together with me, because their lack of integration on that point suppresses it in the final merged-identity, despite that both of them share it with me. If I wanted to merge with more than one of them for something requiring point 4, I would need to find an Aeon that one of them shared that point in common with.
This probably makes no sense to anybody else, as I have to render this into an "abstract". I am referring to energy work, healing and magick here, indirectly, and to the "parts of self" which may be best evoked for certain focii. I don't normally give this much thought, but today's Aeon Round just brought it all to focus I guess.
I typed the above and then thought I'd se if we could just have a conversation as I type.
So is the "integrate with me fully" not good for the mantra? I asked the Aeons at large.
Nero: It's good from your perspective, yes. You only control your own focus, though. The focus and integration that each part of our larger Being has, just like your own, is their decision.
Me: But... but what if I want more of this... this energy, this power, this integration? What if the energy of say, Marcan and Maelee is important to me, and I need them to merge more so that I in turn have better access to it? Is that mercenary? Can I help them to integrate better with each other, for the sake of me and our whole larger-Being or group?
Nero: Yes. Though you are unaware of the work you do on that level, what you might call spiritually. But the more focus you give this intent from your physical incarnate focus personality, the more energy you are giving to that spiritual work.
Me: So... I can't "do" it on purpose but my prayers can "help" the part of me that does it on purpose.
Nero: Basically right.
Me: So what would that... that spiritual part of me do, just out of curiosity, to bring about that end result?
Nero: Well it might show up in a vision or meditation and introduce itself to someone who avoided it for years and then laughed at its name.
Me: Wha -- oh! OH! You mean -- you mean like you and me! (I sense he is grinning.) You mean... oh. So... YOU got more... "aware". And as part of your own... evolution, you might say, you began to... encounter "other aspects of a larger self." And as part of that growth process, you... began to encourage those aspects to themselves become more aware, more integrated, with more of their larger self.
I sensed he agreed. I thought about this for a bit.
Me: So you mean that although we may evolve -- I don't much like that word, it's so badly used in the new-age world -- we evolve as individuals, that we also evolve as larger-identities. So this would imply that larger-entities like Angels -- and maybe even God Itself, if It is "the sum of All" as some models say -- is always evolving. And that every smallest part -- blade of grass, as the Buddhists might say -- has a role in the evolution of even the largest parts. And the largest parts become more free and more-of-God in part by aiding the evolution of the smaller parts because those are part of them. Er, I think the whole size and evolution part of this thinking-on-paper is screwing it up. It's not that linear. But if you see what I mean?
Nero: You have the right idea, generally.
Me: So long ago in 'The Rainbow of Soul' theory I wrote in Bewilderness, it was actually the right idea. Just... well, a lot more personalized than I had any idea. Hey. Seth once said part of him was a dog. Another part had been some past Pope. How does that work? Why are none of my Aeons dogs, for example? My Four once showed me that we are all things -- light beings, creatures, aliens, people and many of them, etc. Are we also blades of grass? Bugs? Cats? Kitchen tables?
Nero: All is one. But obviously within that there is a great deal of detail --
Me: But wait. Where would inanimates come into this? I mean ok so let's say all energy is one, fine, we're all so buddhic sounding now I love it, but there is my slant-desk five feet away, made of wood. What Being is that table part of, if any? What spirit would have what to do with it? Is it the guy who designed it? Who made it? Who cut down the tree? Who ran the machine that put the finish on? Who put it in a box? It is part of Me? Is there any way that anything could NOT be part of spirit if consciousness is inherent in every particle of energy? (Yes -- RV and my spiritual life have made me an Accidental Animist, as I say.) But much like I gripe about how the Enochian tablets had no map to humans, I also don't get how my Aeons or the Four have any map to my desk over there. How does it all relate?
I remembered an article I read once about how we constantly trade atoms with every physical thing around us -- so physicists say. The more we are around our cat and our desk chair, the more that they are literally part of us, and we are literally part of them.
I remembered experiences where I have 'gained rapport' with seemingly inanimate objects. A metal recycling bin, for example. I could feel that it was not 'self-aware' and I could feel that our consciousness (for lack of a better word) was able to "merge" -- it has no hard borders -- and that with the addition of mine, it could *almost* communicate, and its perception was radically expanded during that time, from its norm. I remember understanding that IT was having a profoundly spiritual experience. And that when we suddenly gain "cosmic insight" and "become all" or whatever humans have as mystical experiences, that it is, essentially, "sharing a larger perspective" -- just like that locking trashcan was with me -- we do this with 'larger identities'. I was a vastly larger, more complex identity than it. Yet I loved it. It was like a cool drink of water. It was so pure, so simple, comparatively, in a wonderful way. Maybe that is how Angels feel about us.
I supposed those memories were 'answers'.
Me: So... so you're telling me that the wooden desk five feet away is part of my spiritual evolution? I can't decide if this is insightful or retarded.
Ray: Look at your hands.
Me: Hey, it's Ray! OK that's novel. OK my hands. Uh, sorta chubby. Otherwise normal I guess.
Ray: Are they part of you?
Me: Well sure. I guess.
Ray: So why can't the desk be part of you?
Me: It isn't part of my body!
Ray: It sits within your energy field (several of them, actually). It shares many atoms with you and you with it. Yes, much of its composition is energy from other sources, and it is equally those sources in spirit. The tree. Other people. Other objects and locations. But right now the dominant influence by far is you.
Me: Uh. So how would I 'evolve' the desk? Oh my god. I sound like such a moron.
Ray: The same way you contribute to anything else. You send it loving energy.
Me: You think I should love my desk.
Ray: I think you should love anything and everything that is around you or that you come into contact with.
Me: But how can a desk evolve? I mean it's not like it can die and go to heaven or be reincarnated.
Ray: You think a body has to die to evolve?
Me: I -- well, hang on. I guess I assumed. Doesn't it? I mean ok, I could become a lot more... 'aware' as a person. I suppose a table could too but I really feel so stupid even saying that. But at some point... well let's say that a person got so evolved, like a Buddha or something, that they were... uh... larger. Or ready to become larger, like a larger entity. Like some kind of minor Angel, and I use the term loosely as I really don't know the cosmic heirarchy or anything and I'm not really using the biblical definition of them, it's probably more complex than that. OK but doesn't the person have to die in order to... well, to become that new Being?
Ray: If there is no time, how can any Being die? (Or be born, for that matter?)
Me: Well -- oh heck. You're frying my brain! Well how do you move on from being one thing to being another?
Ray: Think about it.
I'm starting to get grumpy now.
Oh. Merging. Ohhhhh................
Me: So... it isn't that you cease being a table and become a dog, cease being a dog and become a person, cease being a person and become an Angel, or whatever. You are always all of those things. The more one is able to ... expand awareness, the more one realizes it. So... so Seth knows that he is a Dog, and a Pope, and Seth, and Jane, and because from HIS perspective he is very 'aware', he knows all that. But as the Dog, he doesn't know.
I thought about this for a bit.
Me: So what's the value to the Dog in all this? How does that poor dog benefit from the expansion of consciousness? What's he get out of it, if he is always and evermore, outside of time, "a dog"?
Ray: Every lifeform has what you might call an absorption point. A degree of sentience that is the maximum potential of that species, physically and energetically. He can, eventually as you might put it in time-terms, become his most Ideal. His reality -- the probabilities he experiences -- would change as this happened as well, of course.
Me: So... so you mean that eventually, he would be like the perfectly sentient spiritual dog having the perfectly blissful joyous life. Er, eventually. Maybe today... or maybe not... but at some point prior to some eventual ultimate evolution of the universe or God, he could be that.
Ray: OK.
Me: And... and the more his... "larger awareness" grew, the more that awareness could HELP him toward that ultimate-evolution-toward-Ideal goal. Like Nero and all of you guys helping me. Which might, actually, be just as much a matter of our larger-Being helping itself to evolve, and ITS larger-being helping it in turn, and... my god! This seems hopelessly complex!
Ray: Actually it is profoundly simple. It is all one dynamic. It operates the same for everything, everyone, under every condition.
Me: I used to say "All things long for evolvement." Even inanimates and bugs, at some level. So... this is true.
Ray: Yes.
Me: But is there value to my becoming 'aware' of 'also being' some % of the atoms in my wooden desk? I mean really, what is the point of these obscure metaphysics?
Ray: Was there value to your awareness with the metal recycling bin?
Me: Oh yeah, that was awesome. Oh. I see. Well what if I don't want to be part of my wooden desk?
Ray: You have the focus you choose. Remove it from your focus if you wish. Your physical proximity to it however will share energy with it, which is another form of focus, as long as it is near you.
Me: Energy is focus? What do you mean? Isn't focus whatever I am thinking about?
Ray: Yes, but there is a level of awareness to all the atoms in your physically manifest forms as well as to all the atoms that used to be part of them (or that will be part of them). There is a difference between what is inherently part of you and what you choose to pay attention to. You can change many things in your reality based on what you pay attention to, but from the perspective of your physical personality, everything that shares energy with your physical form is a part of you. You might think of it, as an analogy, as like DNA. You can 'invoke' or 'manifest' certain aspects of your genetics, while suppressing others as 'latent', but it is all part of you.
Me: I see. I think. (I sat quietly for awhile, thinking.) Ray, earlier today I was thinking about my idealized self. I had this incredible dream many years ago where I met her. It was like an alternate self. I was so in love with her. I so wanted to be her. I wanted to even be near her. She made me feel so awesome. It seems odd you would bring up the 'Ideal' self of things on the very day I was having these thoughts, when I haven't thought of that in so many years.
Ray: As Taan said previously, we are always with you. This conversation did not begin when you became aware of it. It has been and will be going on, is one way of putting it.
Me: Wait. You mean... you mean this talk we're having now, you are... interacting with me, like 12 hours ago, which is why I am -- I mean, was -- thinking about that?
Ray: Yes. It always works that way, you know. Much of what you dismiss as "imagination" because it ties into experience or ideas that you had recently is simply a matter of experience and communication having a broader span of time overall, in your terms, than what your conscious mind is actively aware of. So you noticed a character especially in a TV show, and then met L'Anna later who told you she had encouraged your 'awareness' of this character as your feelings toward the pretty doctor/scientist/healer were a good model for a relationship with her. This did not make her imagination, it simply was because her communication with you spanned a range before your conscious introduction to and acceptance of her as what you call an Aeon.
Me: That is such a dumb name, by the way. My friends think I'm such a retard, I'm sure of it. Why does this word come to mind to name you guys that, rather than Guides? OK I know why not-guides, I feel the difference. But why that term?
Ray: It has a combination of meanings, and relationship inside you, that make it appropriate.
Me: So... if it has different meanings to my friend Jane, then the term wouldn't really work for Jane even for the same experience.
Ray: Of course.
Me: Well but heck, we would all cease using the same language if that were the case. Every single language would become its own Tower of Babel -- since every perspective is different!
Ray: To a great degree you do all use a different language, for that reason. Much like so-called consensus reality, there is an underlying agreement to meet in the areas that do not conflict. This is as true for language as it is for shared reality -- actually even moreso. You do not by any means truly relate to words the same way, even if you may (mostly) share a dictionary definition of the word.
Me: Oh. Nero?
Nero: Here.
Me: Do you know Ray?
Nero: Yes.
Me: Are you guys fully... uh, integrated?
Nero: No. But we are much moreso than Marcan and Maelee, for example.
Me: OK, well this brings me back to where I began. So... so my own evolution depends on you guys?
Nero: Your own evolution depends on you.
Me: Well yeah but, the larger-me, I have to integrate into that, right, to awareness of that, and then all that awareness has to sort of become aware of each other, which is becoming aware of itself of course, and then -- wait. And then that larger Being would... become aware of... something akin to The Four, or The Consortium, next level up?
Nero: This is more... heirarchical than it should be, but in your models, yes, this is basically the dynamic.
Me: So that means my evolution depends on you!
Ray: What you are not seeing is that at the point where you become aware of a given energy, it becomes part of you. Your definition of "you" changes. So you are not dependent on someone-else for 'your' evolution. You are always, at every moment, dependent on 'you'.
Me: Ah so. I think I see.
Well, the kid came in, so this has to stop and we're going to watch hulu.com instead for awhile.
P.S. I cannot believe I TOTALLY FORGOT this. This morning (was it this morning??) I had begun the Aeon Round and got interrupted. I stopped on Marcan and I was going to do a solo tantric thing and give him all my energy. He works with creative stuff and viewing, he told me, so I thought it would be a good focus (him vs. all the other options). But I couldn't make it happen, just didn't have the energy, and stopped long before completion. I guess I see why I forgot. I have slept twice since then! Albeit naps. It feels like a long time away.
Anyway it can't be coincidence that I was doing that kind of tantra focus on Marcan and then it just so turns out he was the one that I "felt" so physically tonight -- even though I had totally consciously forgotten all about this. I wonder, if I'd succeeded and given him my energy would it still have been that way? Curious.
PJ
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Thinking on Paper 24nov09
Since I have made a point to be more 'aware' of my thoughts, to attempt to stop and dissolve negative daydreams, I've had a few thoughts that seem a little more proactive than usual. Hmmmn, maybe if we're not busy with mental masturbation we spend more time in some mental version of getting a life instead. Random thoughts, insights, and wonderings for the moment.
Observation: Nearly all my daydreams are negative, if not in nature then in context. I have now got them in four categories:
1. My Glory, in a negative framework (I am more powerful, more smart, more strong, etc. etc. than another person / group / situation), also known as Me-The-Hero
2. My Glory, in a positive framework which requires a negative context (I am savior, healer, etc. but alas this requires someone or something needing that doesn't it, which means I am still creating the negative as context in that case), also known as Me-The-Savior
Also:
3. My Action Plans, meaning an idea for something I would like to do or be.
4. My Having Plans, meanig an idea for something I would like to have or acquire.
The last two are much briefer and less embroidered than the ordinary types of daydreams in the first two. The latter are more like a rapid, casual "review of potential and probability" for something. I think these probably should not be called daydreams -- since when they become so they usually move into one of the first two categories. I actually think that #3 and #4 are a basic of life that I have just not paid much attention to before now.
Observation: If I make a point to document ideas, musings, insights, any 'good' things like synchronicity, manifestation, etc. it is possible this will be a good thing and will encourage those energies as I am focusing on them. So I want to do that.
Happy chance: We wanted to go see the movie New Moon but didn't have transportation. I thought Tuesday night would be ideal but didn't want to bother my dad to ask for a ride (as we'd done something Monday), so planned Wed instead. We did things we wanted in the evening and just as we were done (ideal timing) a friend called saying they were coming into our city to see the show and would pick us up if we wanted to go. So that worked out well.
Insight: I was observing that my attempt to encourage 'protection' of my 13 year old when she was taking a small plate out of the microwave -- my suggesting she put a paper plate under the plate that she could use as something larger and cooler to grab hold of -- seemed, to her, very uptight. I realized that to her, my ideas and reservations about her plans -- though she had in fact cooked this before and it hadn't burned her then, so she wasn't worried -- seemed, to her, very... old. I realized that since I myself KNEW she'd done it once and been fine, it was odd that I would still be so hesitant, so concerned.
I thought to myself, "Why is it that as people get older, they get so much more conservative?" and into my head came a "thoughtball realization" as an answer.
Well. I asked, I guess!
PJ
Observation: Nearly all my daydreams are negative, if not in nature then in context. I have now got them in four categories:
1. My Glory, in a negative framework (I am more powerful, more smart, more strong, etc. etc. than another person / group / situation), also known as Me-The-Hero
2. My Glory, in a positive framework which requires a negative context (I am savior, healer, etc. but alas this requires someone or something needing that doesn't it, which means I am still creating the negative as context in that case), also known as Me-The-Savior
Also:
3. My Action Plans, meaning an idea for something I would like to do or be.
4. My Having Plans, meanig an idea for something I would like to have or acquire.
The last two are much briefer and less embroidered than the ordinary types of daydreams in the first two. The latter are more like a rapid, casual "review of potential and probability" for something. I think these probably should not be called daydreams -- since when they become so they usually move into one of the first two categories. I actually think that #3 and #4 are a basic of life that I have just not paid much attention to before now.
Observation: If I make a point to document ideas, musings, insights, any 'good' things like synchronicity, manifestation, etc. it is possible this will be a good thing and will encourage those energies as I am focusing on them. So I want to do that.
Happy chance: We wanted to go see the movie New Moon but didn't have transportation. I thought Tuesday night would be ideal but didn't want to bother my dad to ask for a ride (as we'd done something Monday), so planned Wed instead. We did things we wanted in the evening and just as we were done (ideal timing) a friend called saying they were coming into our city to see the show and would pick us up if we wanted to go. So that worked out well.
Insight: I was observing that my attempt to encourage 'protection' of my 13 year old when she was taking a small plate out of the microwave -- my suggesting she put a paper plate under the plate that she could use as something larger and cooler to grab hold of -- seemed, to her, very uptight. I realized that to her, my ideas and reservations about her plans -- though she had in fact cooked this before and it hadn't burned her then, so she wasn't worried -- seemed, to her, very... old. I realized that since I myself KNEW she'd done it once and been fine, it was odd that I would still be so hesitant, so concerned.
I thought to myself, "Why is it that as people get older, they get so much more conservative?" and into my head came a "thoughtball realization" as an answer.
Pain and fear create small physical changes in the nervous system, intensity and result varying by degree of experience. This is hardwired biologically. It is designed to function in support of human survival.I found that interesting. I had a few "wondering questions" in response to that thoughtball, which resulted in the following additional info:
At high levels, it is a neural shortcut-mapping, such as in PTSD. (This refers to combat/repeat-issues not just 'trauma from a single bad experience'. - P) At low levels it functions more like "filters and filter-sets". These are aggregate; they are cumulative in each person.
Note that this "filter" term is used as a concept function-model. It is not a literal-model, biologically.
Every time you have hurt yourself when taking something out of a microwave, a filter has been applied to better protect you from future experience. (Usually this functions as an 'avoidance' or 'plan ahead' or 'be careful' effect.) As a mother your filters are applied to the projected future of your child.
You have many years of collected "filters" so to speak. Enough in number that these even override other intellectual knowings that might otherwise make them seem moot; this collection causes you to be "more careful than is actually necessary for that situation." Even when you know that something is unlikely to hurt you, often you plan ahead protectively anyway, to avoid any potential of pain or mishap.
As people age, their filter-collection as we are calling it, grows, not only in variety, but it cumulates in some areas, ranging from "human relationships" to "cooking," in this example. The added filters and filter-sets gradually make a person more inhibited, more careful, more "conservative" as you call it.
But she (daughter) at age 13 has not had the same experience-set. She is less careful because she is less worried. And she is less worried because she has fewer filters on the experience or situation warning her to be so.
Verbally warning someone, often with great drama, is an attempt to manually create filters. It is a natural inclination particularly of parents, to share the RESULT of experience vicariously, to prevent that actual experience being necessary.and
'Awareness' reduces the creation of filters by avoiding many of the experiences which create them in the first place. You have often been 'unaware' when going about your daily life. Your focus has often been in your work, your daydreams, or simply "diffused" or "outside the body" as you call it, or "20 minutes into the future" as you say. You have in this case hurt yourself on many occasions due solely to inattention [subthought: pain can be an attempt to bring your attention back to the here-now [subsubthought: all pain is a plea for attention from some part of the Self]].
This has created additional 'filters' in your body on the experiential-context of taking food out of the microwave. These were not necessary. They did not provide any new information that you did not already have, nor any new filters for situation or context that you did not already have. The pain, and the resulting fear of pain, simply added to the cumulation of filters on that experience overall. Now, you are not merely cautious, you are over-cautious, even when you have sufficient information to know that you (or your child) in a given instance do not need to be.
This changes your behavior; it changes a small aspect of what you might call your personality. This is one [subthought: of many] side-effect of living with less awareness.
What you might think of as being "more open" or "more free" or "more relaxed" or "more flexible" particularly in what you think of as "old age", relates to the protective filters the nervous system has accumulated over the course of a person's lifetime. The less 'aware' the person was, often the more trauma (both physical and emotional) the person has experienced [subthought: referring to the above example of creating more layers-of-filters even when unnecessary [subsubthought: 'more awareness' has other effects such as changing the understanding or framework of experience which can also greatly reduce the fear/pain auto-response of the body]], resulting gradually with age in a "personality" which is hesitant, afraid to take risks or try new things. [Subthought: this is why you once observed that mystics seemed more 'free' when elderly than the average person; they have fewer 'inhibitive-filters' due to living with more awareness in previous years of life.]
Children are less hesitant, less afraid, and more inclined to take risks, because they do not have those protective filters that greater experience builds.
What you sometimes call "learning the same lesson the hard way, repeatedly" has a more lasting effect than merely the experience at the time. Failing to modify decision or behavior so as to avoid having the same pain-based experience, brings multiple layers of filters on the same situation. This can result in what you might call inhibition, or in more developed cases eventually, neurosis.
Well. I asked, I guess!
PJ
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