ArchMed: Fear of Psi #2

This is the second meditation in that fear of psi series. I need to do more of these.

From Jul 18 2002. Archmed: Fear of Psi #2

It was late last night, but I had to go back in to work more with 'fear of psi' arch. I'd been putting it off which is only a sign it needs doing.

First I went to this house I have over past a canyon in my sacred space. I put some energy into its reality as a thoughtform. Just as I was about to turn to the door, I SAW a guide.

SAW him! Visually! Totally clear! For the first time in my whole life! I have 'felt' guides. Once in awhile I can hear like words if they say them quick. I block them - I feel the block - drives me nuts but that's the way it was. I held onto the visual while I said over and over in my head, oh my god! I can see him! I can really SEE him! Oh my god!

I finally said TO him, "I - I can SEE you!! How come I can see you?!" And he said, "Because you are ready for me." I lost the meaning of this because then I was going, "Oh my god! I can HEAR you too!" LOL. I have the attention span of my 5 year old...

Well after a bit, I decided I needed to get to it (the med). He was cleaned off and out and through but nowhere near being a good relationship. So I got myself TO him finally which was a huge effort of will. And I reached for him and put my hands on him and held him close in front of me though he clearly didn't want to be there.

Suddenly I had this huge fear, "My fish! I forgot to feed my fish! They will die! Oh, NO!" -- and I said, "Knock it off! I will not let go of you." I refocused on him.

Suddenly I felt this surge of fear and actual pain in my stomach and thought, "My servers! I forgot to send the money for my servers! This is terrible! Oh, NO!" -- and I said, "I will not let go of you!" and tightened my grip.

I went through about 12 things like this! One by one, every possible thing, every fear, came up in my gut like a hard kick, like I had to let go and focus on something else, but I refused.

Somewhere in there I had this insight that somehow... a lot of "little fears" in my life actually stem from HIM. From the fear of psi. I am not real clear on how. I'm constantly redirecting it into other things in life.

Then fleas were biting me. Then I had terrible itches. Then I had major stomach/pelvic abreactions. My mind tried to go elsewhere. This finally pissed me off to the point that I sat up and forward with my eyes wide opened and just locked the visualization in an overlay over the room around me, so I would not be so easily led away mentally as I am with eyes closed, and every time something bothered me I just dealt with it and then re-affirmed, holding him close, "I am not afraid of you! I will not let go of you!"

Then I said, "Give up. I am not letting go. I will work through you, I will integrate you, I will NOT be afraid."

And for the first time -- archs I fear, I almost never see clearly -- his face came into visual (more concept than vision? ). His eyes looked into mine, and changed radically into these large, orange, vertical-pupil'd cat eyes, the kind the cat-eyed lizard guys have, the hard-core telepath reptilians that seem to think this planet is their property, I knew them way back. I stomped on the fear and held steady and said, "You are alien. You are AN alien... I know that *I* am alien. This doesn't scare me! I will not be afraid of psi! I am not afraid of being alien! I am not afraid!"

Then his mouth came into sense, and this long, snaky forked tongue came out and waved around in my face and I said, "I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU! You are reptilian! -- You are the "ancient brain" -- I know that! I am a reptile, so FINE! -- I am not afraid! I will BE whatever I am -- I AM!"

Then his mouth opened up, and I saw stars and galaxies inside, and it kept opening impossibly huge, as if there was this impossibly vast universe of infinity inside him and I would be infinitely insignificant and utterly lost, and I dug in my heels and held him tighter and yelled in my head, "I am not afraid! I have died in that universe - I have been more dead than this body can dream - I have been dissolved at the ego-core -- I AM! My consciousness will NOT die, nothing dies, it can only change, and I'm willing! I will change! I am all things! I am that universe! You cannot scare me!"

This went on... I don't remember everything about each stage, but it was SOOOO drawn out and dramatic! I refused to be scared by anything, or more accurately, I should say I just dealt with the fear and refused to give into it because it all DID spark me... I insisted on accepting everything as something I was willing to integrate, and I held onto his shoulders and would not let him get away.

I turned to my inner guide (the one with me for such meds) and said, "I need help! What am I supposed to DO with him?! I need some process that will help integrate us, but I don't know what to do!" And I continued fighting to hold on and focus on the arch. I finally had an idea but it was different than normal. Usually in these meds, you do something that affects the archetype. You fix it, change it, heal it, whatever.

The idea was something that actually affected ME as much as the archetype (first time I've had that), a sort of tube of light rings we stood in, and piece by piece starting at the head, it dissolved each of us into the finest particles, then 'cleaned out' the 'space between them', and then merged them into a single body in the middle. Until we were done, and I was it.

And I looked down at my hands, and they almost seemed to grow into long-finger claw-like hands, and I remembered this symbology from when I was 19 and these entities were hanging out in my room, I was a total skeptic but talked to them since they were there and it seemed rather pointless to argue that obvious fact (!?), and my preacher tried to convince me it was 'spiritual warfare', until finally one of them in exasperation at my insisting they were some kind of evil gave me that imagery and freaked me out and I told them to leave and never come back (and my psi of that time in my life went with them, by the way, I hadn't realized that until this med; it came back like a cycle years later).

I looked at my hand and went ahead and further imagined it in that claw form and said to myself inside, as I was now him too, "I. Am. Not. Afraid.!"

It took me like 5 cycles of the TMI focus12 CD to do this and I finally had to turn it off entirely -- it was that hard to stay focused and get TO it.

And to think, when I began this 'fear of psi' as an archetype meditation idea, I thought it'd be a little thing I would just cover 'in case' it related to my seeming self-blocked from awareness.

OK. So I'm an alien ancient-brain reptilian in the insignificance of infinity.

It's just another day.

PJ

ArchMed: Fear of Psi #1

Since I still haven't gotten to #3 of the Knight of Wands meditation, I thought I would post a couple 2002-era impactive archmeds that I just found the record of yesterday. I wonder why sometimes the stuff I most expect to be nothing and shrug off, turn out to be the most mind bending.


From Jul 18 2002. Archmed: Fear of Psi #1

I decided to do an archetype meditation on 'fear of psi'.

While I've never felt this is much of an issue for me, some psychologists, such as Dr. Charles T. Tart, feel that fear of psi is a culturally common thing, much moreso than we realize, so I figured, it could not hurt to give it a try. (Didn't expect much.)

I was using a hemi-sync CD, focus 12 freeflow, which I put on repeat. I first spent some time just getting in a nicely altered state. I feel much more in touch with my 'emotional body' in F12 and I tend to feel emotions and such very _physically_, so it is really good for these meds.

I asked my guide for the archetype of My Fear of Psi. I rather figured this would be a fairly quick meditation, but who knows, maybe useful in some way.

The arch was humanoid. I turned to look at him and nearly hyperventilated as I put my hands on my chest. I couldn't see him well. He was covered with the symbol of fear, a "spiders in the gooey dark" kind of concept. The fear literally gripped me. My heart beat fast. I found myself distracted by other thoughts. Every time I brought myself back and tried to focus on the arch, I started breathing fast and hard again. I could feel the fear physically in my chest, a powerful force.

I was thinking to myself, my god! Dr. Tart probably didn't realize it was THIS big a deal, sheesh! And I was really surprised because I honestly didn't think this would be any big deal for me, and yet, this arch felt like one of the few very "core" archs have with me -- very powerful.

I realized I couldn't do it alone. I reacted too physically to it. So I called in my Sun -- he is my love, my energy, he works with me in a lot of archmeds, either merging with me or just being with me, or once in awhile I have certain archs hold hands with each other or something to share energies between two concepts. I also called in 'responsibility'. This is not the right word in english, use the 'true will/dharma' meaning of it, not the surface 'obligation' meaning. That arch is humanoid but not human, sort of the ultimate warrior, a strong man with golden eyes like a tiger and quills like a porcupine that normally lie flat on his skin. I had a profound, really physical, really oddly sexual meditation with him when I was at TMI (I was ignoring the tape and doing a med instead), that was so incredible, I felt as if he were physically inside my skin and any psychic looking at me might actually see HIM instead of me. He is very powerful and I wanted him to protect me. So with the two of them there with me, I finally had the courage to face the 'fear of psi' archetype.

First things first. I'm a clean freak when it comes to archetypes. Any sign of dirt, dust, bugs, etc. is a sign that I have a problem with the arch. (Dust usually indicates it's something I have buried for a long time in myself. Dirt that it is something I have denigrated in myself. Bugs/gross stuff usually indicates it is something I have real fear about. These are fairly repetitive symbols I've learned.) So first I had to clean him off. It was so thick and icky that I had to stand way back (hyperventilating a bit still), and imagine the 'water of life' in a sort of high pressure hose like the car wash, LOL. I cleaned him from head to toe in a about 6 detailed sprays. Then I surveyed him. He was still gross. I sensed that everything - his ear canals down to his neck, his digestive system all the way through, everything, had that horrible stuff. So I had to clean him out completely on the inside, too. (Sometimes such meds are quite physiological. You gotta be as objective as a doctor about it.)

The fear in my body lessened in my chest, and seemed to 'recede' from the chest, and then could be felt between the heart and solar plexus area.

(Note: when doing such things, imagine the arch is standing on a thick grate, and the gross stuff falls into it, is liquified, and is put in the 'waste disposal system' of that world. This is important because it seems from experience that these meditations often cleanse the physiological body of the meditator (as well as perhaps the energy body, if you wanna get metaphysical about it). Literally it can flush a lot of toxins. You don't want them just in your system or it'll be like doing a cleansing diet without taking appropriate herbs or liquids to wash it out, you'll have a good med and wake up with a body-aching flu. Use that symbology and your body will dump such things in the normal body waste disposal systems.)

When that was done I surveyed him once again. I was still too afraid to get super near him frankly, but felt a little better. I decided I still sensed a strong darkness throughout him, and he needed a chakra cleansing in a big way. (For those clueless, chakras are the hypothesized 'energy vortexes' throughout the body; there are a number of 'major' ones, the number and color and some placement depends on the tradition.) So I had Sun help me and we gradually cleaned him out energetically too. Really ICKY! he was. Yuck. Anyway, so finally he was pretty clean.

The 'fear' in my body had faded further, though it still existed, and had continued moving down to my solar plexus and a little below.

I had to get fairly close to him to do the crown chakra. I was able to, but still not comfortable. When it was over, I knew there was a lot more work to do, and told him that, but I'd done what I could for the time. We traded some symbols in the body. That was that. I will have to work a lot more with him as we are nowhere near the point of a good merge.

The intriguing thing to me was that "fear of psi," which I didn't think would be any big deal with me really, turned out to be such a "core" issue and so profoundly fearful. I am still kind of amazed about that. I mean, I've been 'into' the RV field for a long time, and wouldn't suspect that I personally have 'fear' about it. Yet, these meditations are usually extremely accurate about what is inside oneself, so I have to believe it must be so.

I am hoping that over time, my working with this archetype will resolve any issues in my RV that such deep, hidden issues might be affecting.

PJ

Archmed: Gaia and the Pyramid

This is a continuation of "IG and the Pagan Night" post.

I walked around the pyramid until I saw the dark spot on the ground some distance away that marked the doorway. I climbed down the ladder and went through the stone hallway underground and came up the ladder into the pyramid. I closed the floor-door and went to the middle of the floor and sat down and thought for awhile.

I thought about the sense of 'solitude and alone-ness' which in the first meditation seemed the primary impression it made on me. Maybe, I thought, the pyramid represents the body. It is a strong, powerful filter of defense against, well, everything. The whole point of our conglomerate consciousness merging symbiotically with the nature-creature of a human body is surely to experience the sense of being independent, alone, unique -- in short, "separate".

I thought, if I am here and I want to psychically perceive something over there, the pyramid can't take me. Can I bring whatever-it-is to me instead? Can I replicate a local version of that non-local energetic construct in the center, is that what I'm supposed to do? I imagined doing that. Didn't seem to work very well and didn't seem like the answer.

I remembered in my blog I'd said I had a real epiphany over the thought that "I was in the middle of something larger" but had no idea why, afterward. I thought about that idea for awhile. I still didn't get it though.

I did start to get a sense of push to merge with the target. I wondered if that was from IG. I let that flow, and felt rather as if my body were streeetttttching out to the four corners at the bottom, and so on all the way up, until my neck was at the very top. Then I flipped my head over so it felt like it was hanging down from the very top of the open-inside stepped pyramid, and I pondered all this, upside down in the open darkness.

I remembered writing that I felt I should do some of the visualizations that Nero had suggested to me. I couldn't really think of any good reason for this. But anything was worth a try. So I allowed my sense of merge to 'stay' while I refocused my 'sense-of-I-ness' down to the ground inside again and started to visualize. At first it was weak and tentative. A red open triangle of light. A white square, then a white or gold circle. I realized I couldn't really remember what Nero had suggested aside from the triangle; I was guessing at the others. I turned them slowly like he taught me, so I could hold them in focus. They grew larger of their own accord, so I went with that. They got bigger, and I moved them further away from me so there was room, and then it was just the red triangle, very large.

It occurred to me that when I spun this fast enough, it would be a cone. And that a cone was, technically, "infinite triangles." I had never thought of that before. Then I realized that a pyramid is also a whole mess of triangles. Each side is a triangle. And measured diagonally, the shape was two crossing triangles. In fact you could say that a pyramid was a squared shape of a cone, as if to 'retain' the triangles of the shape but still be in full 3D. As I wandered through this trivia, the open red triangle got yet larger, and I had the sense of 'urge/rightness' to move it around me. I once did that when trying to remote view with a spinning triangle; it was distracting me so I'd made it big and put it around me so it wasn't so much in my vision. Well I did that again, having it go around me, and I got this curious sense of sound, not audible sound but sense-of-sound, like a low strong "whoosh" at a certain point in every turning cycle. The speed of it seemed to increase, and the whooshing sound of it seemed to get louder. it started to seem kind of fun. So I really put my focus on being 'in the center' of it and having it spinning around me powerfully, whooshingly.

And then without warning, as sudden and shocking as the jerk upward by the wrists had been in the previous meditation, it happened. The top of the pyramid seemed to suck in massive energy all the way from the center of the universe out in the starry sky somewhere, that went straight down into the top of my spinning triangle (which was sometimes more like a spinning circle) and through it, through the crown of my head, all the way through my body in the middle, through the bottom of the spinning shape, through the bottom of the pyramid, and all the way to the center of earth. As if the spinning had created a vortex and the pyramid had created a sort of shape of power and the two sort of "sucked" the energy down through. It was so powerful that my body, sitting on my bed, jerked fully spine-upright, my head thrown back and my mouth open, and it was almost like being struck by lightning from the inside for several long seconds, as this whole column of energy rushed through me. I was surprised how intense it was and how long it lasted, and it had the 'sense of rushing-merging' that a great archmed does and I realized that I had, by chance or by IG's help, finally stumbled on what I needed to do for this arch. Absolutely awesome! Really body-and-mind-blowing. At the time it was happening, I had that thing I've gotten during some extreme experiences (kind of a sign of its reality I think), in remote viewing you sometimes get an 'overlay' of one concept on another or something, but this was like 100 overlays all at once, so many my mind couldn't absorb or track them all. And it did get a lot but I forgot again instantly when no longer in that massive column of energy. There was something about the square shape of the pyramid at bottom being an earth shape for connection, and the triangles nature of the pyramid not being accidental, it being dynamic in nature even though static in shape, and the point at the top of a pyramid being both receptive as well as projective, which I didn't understand until later I thought about how lightning loves to hit high pointy stuff (so the shape is receptive then). That stuff was at the bottom and totally trivia though, there was lots more interesting stuff that fell outta my brain alas.

The energy ceased and I felt almost shell-shocked in some way. I felt odd. Then I thought again, for some reason, of that "I am part of something larger" thought I'd had in the previous med, and I suddenly realized I WAS part of something larger. I expanded, realizing that I was everything on an entire planet, everything from the smallest microbe to the entire planet and its atmosphere and everything, and I found myself staring down at the planet from outside it, as if I were a genie and the whole planet and outer energy sphere composed my body. I realized that even though I couldn't see it from this perspective, I could still FEEL, somewhere verrrrrrrry teeeeeeny, that stone pyramid, with the woman inside it. It was like... being 'aware' of one of your blood cells or something, that tiny, yet still perfectly clear to me. I moved my perspective in, toward the part of the planet where I could feel them, with a humor-flash-overlay of Google Earth's way of moving-in like that. I came in rushing until I was just above and around the pyramid. And I felt this sense of... benevolence. For the woman and the pyramid. And I put my energy-hands, which were bigger than the pyramid, around it, and I poured energy into them, and I understood that the woman had been trying to 'open up' in a sense, energetically. I decided that I would make her an anchor of energy, a sort of power source and protector for my planet as it can always use those, and I poured energy into them and designed her so that she would be open to information, powerful, well protected, and anchored with the planet as part of its welfare. I felt such affection during this, for the tiny little pyramid that felt as small as a toy, and the tinier spark of lifeform inside it, as if they were just so... SWEET. And then I was done, it was done, and I realized that I was not only more than all this, I was more than THAT, too, and I leaned backward and felt myself become aware of being an entire galaxy of shapes and forms and life and then I felt more drawing me, and I stretched with my arms up and felt myself finally reach a sense of "home" of the ultimate of birth and rebirth and ISness, and a sense that I was in the center of the galaxy and yet, everything that seemed like it was not right there, actually was. As if the sense-of-separation of something like earth from the center (Sirius A or wherever it is) is actually a total illusion; we are all part of her. It was awesome.

I seemed to either go beyond what my brain could handle or overload, not sure which, as I realized I was just sitting here spaced out, and I went back to the sense of "I" inside the pyramid. Then I realized there was a potential, and I imagined running time back to when I had my hands around the pyramid, except now it was HER hands, and I was IN the pyramid, and I stood up with my legs strong and apart, my feet on the stone floor, and as all the energy came through me and the pyramid I yelled, I ACCEPT! and understood that I was "accepting the designated role given me by the Goddess." Now this nearly made me laugh because not ten minutes before when IG had gone all pagan on me I'd actually thought about how I was so NOT into the Wiccan thing and never really related to it and yet, I had such a powerful sense that SHE, which I knew intellectually had been me but now it felt so much MORE I did not mix us at all, that it was a she and that she was a sort of collective consciousness of the whole earth, Gaia maybe?, and that she had the power to make me whatever she liked and that I was just hugely, unbelievably HONORED for it. A million possibilities of what this might entail, some not so great, flashed through my head in a microsecond and I responded with a shrug, "Whatever it takes. I am hers." I was as surprised and impressed by this feeling as by anything previous in the experience.

I projected out of the pyramid, which I now felt a special significance for I hadn't previously, and went back to IG. I hugged her, assuming she had helped me. Because really, I feel like I would NEVER have actually come up with "the way" to do that archmed merge without her. I would never have thought that I needed to merge with the shaped and then go to the center and spin a triangle around me hahaha -- that's just totally obscure! Who would ever think of that?! Usually archmeds you just ... heal something or put it back together or whatever. They aren't usually nearly that complicated!

I wondered about the other part. I honestly had the feeling that the Goddess part (so to dub it something, as I'm not sure what to call it) was not actually a planned part of the meditation. That it was actually totally in line with the intent of the archetype and the meditation, however, that it had not actually been part of it; I mean that the energy bit with the pyramid was the archmed, that it had just been powerful enough and caused other 'side effects' in me, to spark the second part, which was a whole separate experience in a way.

I went back to my plateau and considered the outer guides again. Were they part of me? Then they were part of that amazing energy creature the goddess summation of earth, or whatever it was, had just designated an anchor of light and power and protection and communication. So I imagined encompassing all of them and then pulling in energy and rushing it through all of them. Then I rolled it all up inside me.

I still felt completely weird in a good way. I wondered if I felt heavier but then I decided no, it was more like I felt more aware of every cell of my body, which amounted to a mental version of that (feeling heavier) but not a physical one. I felt 'smooth' inside too, a rather ineffable feeling.

My boyfriend called and I told him about it. Then I started writing it out, but after a short time felt I needed to just close the computer and sit quietly 'in the center' and absorb for awhile, so I did. Eventually I felt I should sleep, so I did.

I woke up this morning normally. In a good mood, but nothing special. I kind of feel my crown chakra in a way I haven't in a long time, but even that isn't extreme or anything. I do still have a residue of the sense of 'internally smooth' that is hard to put into words, but even that is not real strong.

My doubting mind has kicked in and although I believed it to be a 'real and meaningful' experience last night, now I wonder if it was just an unusually powerful hallucination. I wonder if it matters. If you hallucinate something like that, so it was real to you, would it have the same effect anyway I wonder. I was so... EXTREME in several ways that the sheer extremity of it is the part that makes me doubt, I guess.

I have this slightly unsettling feeling that I've made a commitment and an acceptance and it doesn't really matter if I doubt or not, or change my mind or not, because what is already is and has always been and will always be and maybe all of that stuff in the meditation is, was, and forever will be, and it just so happens that last night was the place some larger-me put it "in the sense of flowing time" but that it was eternal. Destiny, dharma, whatever. Four planets in virgo and the circle squared and the square sits on earth and spins triangles and connects with the universe and maybe it's always been so, I just lived in ignorant bliss of it until now.

Still... as I used to say in Bewilderness... it's just another day.

PJ

Med: Inhibitors to Conscious Psi Functioning

I wasted no time. I took off running on the plateau the moment I felt fully there, and dived headfirst off the edge, falling and falling before I imagined my arms feathering into powerful wings that slowed and sloped me. When my feet finally touched the earth so far below, I ran into the cave, left across the footbridge over the (now slightly oversized) creek, out the cave opening on the side, right and up the field, then left again across the field and under the trees with the benches and so on where IG waited.

"Inhibitors to Conscious Psi Functioning," I said by way of introduction. "That's the archetype I want. I know there might be zillions, but whatever would do me the most good to work with, that's what I want. I want to be more aware of psi information, within and without, and I want to be more interactive with it." She nodded.

When I turned, only the corner of the arch was near me. It was far too large to simply be behind me like a person(s). I walked around it, looking up at this big stepped stone pyramid, like the south American sort.

It had two differences.

1. Visual is not the only kind of info one can get; it can be conceptual, emotional, probably even physiological though I'm not sure I've ever had much of that. Along with the full impact of it, into my head came the word very clearly, Juggernaut. It had an odd feeling with it that was important. I couldn't remember what that word meant or was, assuming I ever knew. But it felt like it was not the right word for what the pyramid physically was--that felt like a similar word I couldn't seem to bring to mind--but that it was the far-more-accurate word for what the pyramid conceptually and functionally implied. Had that "there is more to this than you realize" feeling. I decided to just continue, and look it up when I finished.

Googled it just now, a few different definitions. The word I couldn't think of that better described the physical object, I now know, was ziggurat, the type of stepped pyramid built by the babylonians/assyrians etc.

Juggernaut; here's what I think relates:
• Any belief or object needing or receiving sacrifice of themselves by believers.
• Anything that crushes all in its path.

Geez. Fabulous.

2. The other difference was that instead of being complete levels like the pictures I've seen of stepped pyramids, it was a "spiral" from bottom to top. So you didn't go straight up it (though you could), you walked around it in ever-smaller squared-circles (symbol--the circle squared?) until you reached the top, where there was a small plateau.

I ran up it, speeding time, until I stood at the top, and looked out from on high. I didn't pay attention to anything out there, just wondered what I was supposed to do with this thing to get it into whatever form was normal for it so we could merge.

Since it was really, really big... and hard... I had the idea that maybe I should add to my repertoire the "lightning-of-love/life". Sounded novel. So I imagined that amazing amounts of lightning was striking it all over it around me, blazing a zillion volts of power into it. But after awhile, I saw and felt no change. That didn't seem to be working.

So I tried the water of life... no result. The chemical... no result. The light... no result. The wind and rain... no result.

So I sat on top of it thinking that this was an unusually tough one, but there had to be something that could be done to work with it, there always is. I flew to the bottom and walked around the whole thing. I saw something on the ground about 50 feet from it, a square darker patch of dirt (or whatever), and I walked over to it. I could see an edge of something and the square opened up, a lid, to reveal a steep small stone staircase going down into the darkness.

I thought it was interesting that inside an archmed I'm already "in/under" but this required going in/under yet further. I wondered if that itself was some symbolic statement.

I climbed down the stairs, and found myself in a fairly small, rectangle stone hallway that ended at the ladder and went into darkness toward the pyramid the other way. I went through it, but it appeared to be made for someone smaller than me, as I had to shrink to be comfortable. I walked for a little ways, and it dead-ended into another shaft that went straight up. I couldn't see anything but I climbed straight up, and pushed on something at the top, and moved it and climbed out.

I appeared to be inside the pyramid. As if they had deliberately left a hollow core, one that actually had stepped sides but in reverse, reaching up high to the top. I felt so astoundingly... alone inside it, or maybe singular or in solitude are better words.

I wondered why they hadn't just put a door in it if they wanted people to go inside, why I had to get to it from well outside it and then come under/through. I wondered if that had some symbolic meaning, then decided I was overthinking all this so I dropped it.

I'd been seriously considering what my boyfriend and I--who live half a planet away from each other alas--call "quality time". E.g. masturbation, which is pretty great in conjunction with archetype work. At more advanced levels this become a form of tantra (and you can use a partner and 'graft on' a godform or archetype to them as well), but I've sometimes used it simply to help me better "imagine the merge" with a given archetype. Thus far, this one didn't seem to be going all that well. It had taken me awhile even to figure out how to do anything at all with it and I now found myself with as little idea as I had when standing atop it.

"IG," I called to her, "Is that ok for this?" "If you like," she said.

So I imagined I was sitting on the stone floor with my favorite novelty toy and that perhaps "the spirit of the archetypal-pyramid" would at least be with me in an energetic sense. This was destined to be a fairly rapid event anyway (heh), but suddenly I felt myself yanked upward by the hands, dangling in the air, as if something had tied my wrists and then strung it through a ring at the very top of the inside for an adjustable rope, and my feet were at least thirty feet off the ground. Then it felt like an energy bigger than my whole body was trying to join me -- a rather odd, sexual version of the 'spiritual squishing', not exactly, but similar -- and so I just went with it and imagined pulling it all the way through me like my every cell was a sponge for the energy and it permeated me, which was a nice way to end that particular quality time in any case. Oddly though, although it was a bit physical, it wasn't the normal merge-rush feeling, just an energy-joining feeling.

I was a little surprised by the spontaneous way that kicked in--and the slightly disturbing symbolism with how it happened (not my normal style of fantasy for sure)--but on the bright side, something happened that was really spontaneous and that's always a good thing with these meditations I figure.

So I imagined myself released and sitting again on the stone floor in the fairly cavernous, if narrowing as it went up, environment with that aesthetically powerful sense of stillness and age and emptiness.

I thought, "But how can I interact with anything in here when I am so alone?"

And then I thought, "Well maybe it's not that the arch consists of a stepped pyramid I am inside of. Maybe it is as if the arch consists of 'this world', the air, the whole landscape or energy, and I am simply in the middle of something much bigger. Just because there is nothing perceived immediately around me doesn't mean there is nothing; I'm simply looking on too small a scale." Then I felt odd for a moment like I'd missed something and I re-said to myself, "I'm in the middle of something much bigger."

For reasons I can't fathom, at the moment this ran in near-words past my mind, it gripped me like a revelation of some kind, and I sat there thinking, "Wowwww! Whoaaaa! Yes, that's IT, you know?!"

That's what? I don't know. I guess you would've had to been there. Wish I'd been there. Because now that I'm out of it, I fail to see what is even relevant about that, let alone important. Sigh.

I told myself I needed to get creative. I stood and backed up so my back was to the wall at the bottom where I stood. I put my hands out and my fingers back against it behind me and imagined that I could turn the stone to say, rubber. Nothing happened, and I felt as if a whole spectrum of things were automatically tried and rejected by the pyramid until finally it accepted one, and flashed into thick blocks of ice.

It was opaque, and I thought at it, could you be clear? And with a flash it was completely clear, and I kind of marveled as I turned around slowly, looking out the walls at the landscape around. That was cool, and nice to know it could do that, but it didn't feel like I should keep it that way for some reason. So I let it shift back to stone, and returned to the darkness -- but somehow, awareness of its shape etc. inside -- where I'd begun.

I was out of ideas. I asked IG. I didn't get any answer, but I had some odd mental overlays of practicing Nero's visualization exercises while inside this thing, not sure why. I shrugged, and simply flew down through the outlet and back to IG and had her vanish it. I stood there struggling to say something to her, but I could only think of complaints and whining I realized, and I finally gave up saying anything at all except "Thanks." and I quickly left.

I used to have nearly every archmed be amazing and "work". Lately I feel like I'm in over my head and nothing's working very well. I don't really know what any of that means and I still don't know what to do with the archetype. Usually there is something wrong or different and I have to change that. This doesn't seem to have any singular quality. Well except the sense of alone-ness inside it. Wait, maybe that's it. Shit. Wish I'd have thought of that while in there! I'll have to pick up that arch again soon and try something related to that.

[Edited to add later: I finally continued this meditation in August 2008, in this post: Archmed: Gaia and the Pyramid.]

PJ