Aeon Round, 01dec09 & "Becoming"

My 'additional and often newly-dominant perspective' is settling in just fine. I'm not always aware of it, but sometimes. I have the feeling that over time I will have this same effect but, of course, in very different ways, different energies. I also have the feeling that I'm lucky it is so specific, clear, limited and recognizeable; that it might not always be. I just "want to be aware" so badly, I think that's driving being-so.

It's a common thing that my kid eats hers and my food too if it's yummy, or the-best-of or biggest-of whatever we have to share. This is a given and kind of constant. It's a mom thing. I'm biologically hardwired to feed her and to put her first food-wise. Never mind that she is not remotely starving and it's simply allowing her selfishness now, the dynamic still lives.

Up close, she is spoiled, I am told. Single mom, works from home, very close. I let her walk all over me, I know that. I "don't mind" because I love her so, but the few observers close enough to us have mentioned it with some concern. It affects her personality too of course, not in the positive, when her primary/main associate, mom no less, pretty much "lives to serve" her, seldom complains even if she is somewhat unfair, demanding or selfish toward me. (Or complains but doesn't act on it.) Now at age 13 it's time she got through that. But 13 years of habit is a lot.

We are in the kitchen and she has her food. I have my food. She wants extra, the 'best of' what I've got, and giggling carelessly she is diving into it with her fork despite my protests. Then I feel the change inside: different perspective is dominant, now I-as-body am acting on that. I whack her hand away from my food, not hard enough to hurt (she laughed) but hard enough to mean business, and her laughter abruptly stopped when she realized I was serious and not playing around. More than that, I wasn't emotional or focused on that or her; I wasn't mad. I was simply intolerant of the behavior. It is MY food, she cannot have it, back-off, nearly like watching cats eat. I had already carelessly returned to eating when she stopped and stared at me. She was clearly put out and surprised, not just that I did this but how I acted 'around' it -- that I didn't even care enough about her response to need to BE mad to do that.

Here is the point, it isn't the trivia of this incident: the amazing part is, I did not care. You have to understand that I have more "artificial guilt" than any human alive. I feel pre-guilty about things I won't even do. I "take on" guilt for pretty much everything in my universe including things I am literally the victim of. I think it's one of the side effects of my childhood. It's a fairly overwhelming effect in my life, one my few close friends have pointed out to me more than once and that I have seen do me consistent harm for eons.

But for the first time, I felt NO guilt. Not just no guilt that I wasn't sharing. Not even just no guilt that I'd whacked her hand away. But recognition that she was shocked and a little insulted and hurt - and no guilt at all about THAT either. "None" to the point where I did not even care to bother to say anything, to smooth anything over, to explain, nothing.

It was my food and my right. It was not her food or her right. Her behavior was inappropriate and injust. It was not allowed in my reality because it shouldn't be.

Any I felt NO guilt whatsoever. I swear this may be the first time in my life, certainly in the 13 years of hers, that I have been so FREE of the constant, crushing sense of chronic-guilt. It's actually such a huge shift that it has taken me days even to realize what it IS, it's that big.

I realize now that this is affecting me life-wide, internally. Not saying I'm totally over 100% of it or anything. But a really significant chunk of that neurosis -- for that's what that is -- has simply vanished. Like some part of me just suddenly stood up and accepted permission for defending my reality, my territory, whatever.

Yesterday evening she chose, as usual, to come sit on my bed with me and watch some SG-1 episodes on hulu. I had other things to do on my laptop but wanted to spend some time with her. On nights where I work the next day that's limited and I give her priority. Well, lately but often in general, she has this thing where she comes into my room but then decides how I get to live the few hours I have before bedtime. Whether it's what she wants to watch, or whether the light must go off as she wants to fall asleep beside me, or the climate control temp, or whatever. It is a long-term minor frustration for me that it's MY room, she has her own, she even has the heater in hers while our main system is being fixed, and I argue, this is MY life, go to your own room if you don't want to do what I want to do, but she is insistent and I usually give in, just because I love her and want her to be happy.

So we finish an episode and she climbs under the covers and turns over. "Turn it off," she demands. "I want quiet for awhile." "But I want to watch!" I say. "I just want quiet for awhile!" she insists. "Look, it's my room, and I do NOT want quiet. Go in your own room if you want to sleep or whatever. I stopped what I was doing so we could watch this. But I'm not going to sleep or be sitting in silence in my own room in what little time I have in my life. You want quiet, go to your room." This was just the normal-me but vastly more "push-back" than I usually give her.

She snapped something about wanting SILENCE! and turned over in a pout. And it was like my New, Improved Evil Twin took over. I'm teasing--no, it doesn't feel like that--but I felt the 'shift' in which 'perspective' took 'dominance' at that point. And, with a hilarious sense of humor suddenly -- and feeling almost like a big brother in some way -- I did this high funky voice of the line in that 60's song, "Silence is Golden, Golden!" which struck me as so funny. She bellowed at me to stop it and be quiet, and I said, "Hey, that's a good old song. I think I'll find it on grooveshark!" and I proceeded to loudly sing the chorus as I found it -- and many other Frankie Valli songs like "Sherry" and "Walk Like A Man", all similar male-soprano chorus riffs -- and started the playlist.

She leaped out of my bed, whirling around angrily at me -- and looking like she really just couldn't believe it. Couldn't believe I would be so 'inconsiderate to her' or whatever. And she snaps, "I'm going to MY room!" like it's a punishment of me or something, and I said, "OK!" with a big smile and continued singing along. With another look at me like she'd never seen me before in her life, she stomped off to her room and mildly slammed the door.

And I laughed to myself in some humor. Not laughing 'at', just laughing because it was so fun to find that music again and sing with it, and I did not care about her angst. I didn't feel the slightest bit of guilt about it, NONE. Normally even if I (incredibly rarely) stood up for myself in that way, I would feel so badly that she and I fought even briefly, I would try to convince her to come back or to not be mad, or I would just feel guilty all night. But I had none of that. I simply did not care at all because it was my right, period. Like there was no other consideration; her behavior was injust and my space and time are my own to choose.

It's more of that 'ruthless absolute decision' but the word ruthless is so wrong. It has such a negative connotation. It isn't negative. It's just... it just IS. It's so clean. It isn't surrounded by feelings of diplomacy or gentility or gradual ramping up of response. It's like just a 'surgical strike decision' and then it is over. Totally bloodless and instant.

In a weird way it's like being suddenly released from chronic pain. Like you've so adapted to living with it that when it leaves you are shocked over and over again to realize it's gone. Even though I realize that the chronic guilt is a bad thing, a wrong energy, a terrible burden I've had my whole life, even though I can feel that this has only dealt with some of it or in some areas of life -- still, it feels surprising over and over to realize it just isn't here. Like I keep waiting for the kickback of guilt to kick my ass and it's nowhere to be found.

I don't know what or who I am becoming, but I feel that this is healthy.


The Aeons round tonight was fine--by default this is not exciting. I took some extra prayer time on a few. And a whole bunch with Nedlund, still begging that I want to understand his role.

But when I got to Nero, I was mostly through the mantra when I suddenly realized I had this offbeat thing in my head and I must be daydreaming. I went to discard that when it occurred to me that it wasn't by accident. That this was from Nero somehow, not like 'communication' but more like 'presentation' of some literal thing/energy/being.

But it was hard to wrap my brain around. Something about some person or creature that had no 'automatic healing/regeneration ability' and was a bit wounded. My brain kept trying to get away. I would "hold myself" as if my eyes were closed and I had a rope tied to Nero and the concept but my brain would go blank for a bit, and I would just have to 'stay still' until like a cycle, my brain's ability for active attention returned, and I would evaluate where I was, what I was doing, look at it more carefully, it would expand, and then that space-out cycle would begin again.

I wonder if this is what is happening when I literally pass out, though wide-awake, in the middle of meditations sometimes. My brain just cuts out. I just kept "holding on in the dark" waiting for my 'awareness' which seemed to have just dived out of reach somewhere, to swing back around, and when it did, I would accomplish as much as I could before I could feel my "ability to concentrate" literally vanishing ultra-fast and I would just "hang on in stillness" -- so I would not wander mentally when this happened -- until attention returned.

That is hard to explain but it feels incredibly important that I've gotten aware enough to be able to realize it's coming on, "hold still" until it sort of passes, and then continue. It reminds me of the problems I used to have in archmeds with 'getting lost in bizarre daydreams' until I realized they were 'dreamlings', like physics bubbles popping into existence, dealing with energy, then vanishing, and I had to learn to 'anchor' myself so that the instant it was over I would be where I should, get fast awareness of what I was doing, and be able to continue.

Eventually there was a whole 'people' that had this curious issue of being slightly wounded but unable to auto-heal like we do. But the people felt "small" in a metaphysical way. Although this came through as small like tiny, like I could hold the lot of them as if they were a few chess sets that all fit in my torso, I understood that the 'smallness' was like an entity smallness. Wait, how to explain this...

I have met entities that spanned only one or a few... 'layers'. Dimensions? I don't know what it is. It comes out like 'layers of frequency' in my perception that are crazy 'thin' and there are infinite numbers of them. I (we, as human) span a LOT of those. We're much more powerful than 'elementals' that have a very singular, limited focus (in at least some cases), and it relates to our spanning so many more layers. I can't tell you how or why, that is just how I have perceived it.

Anyway, there is a sense of small that entities from a small span of layers have in my perception. It is not 'small' in physical size, but that is the only translation the logical brain has.

It is active for things 'here' too sometimes. I once (several times actually) "heard" the thoughts of a spider. It actually felt like a teeeny tiny little whisper, incredibly "small" and from so far away in some 'so much deeper in the local layered onion' way, not in a vastly-distant way. It was normal for them but something about the "relative power" of our perspective, and my left-brain translation of the difference in energy, makes it seem "small".

This was much bigger than that. But still very small compared to me.

Anyway. Nero brought 'into' me -- I had to accept this to make it happen -- what seemed like an entire people, though maybe not human just 'beings', though there was only maybe a few dozen, all of which were mildly wounded and needed healing but were unable to heal themselves for some reason, like their nature simply did not build that in the way ours does.

I asked for the Four and as-one we sent a whole bunch of energy to deal with this fully and all at once, rather than it taking eons of my trying to perceive and heal them one at a time. After a bit of time -- me hyperventilating at the power required that I had to allow and direct, and a variety of rushing feelings during -- I felt it was done.

Then I continued on, finished the round and that was that.

I have no idea what that means. But I trust Nero must have had some good reason for it and I have pointedly offset all kinds of resistance, protection, etc. on purpose in prayer with him in my effort to really allow whatever is necessary for us to most-fully integrate.

It hadn't occurred to me until today that such a thing could or would happen. I mean that literally in the middle of my mantra with a given Aeon, that they could kind of... bring in a whole experience, almost like an archetype meditation kind of experience in a way.

PJ

Putting Together the Puzzle

Oh man. I just remembered a bunch of what I talked with Nedmund about last night and then had like epiphany after epiphany and weirdly, ended up back where I began, but with this gigantically larger, deeper understanding of everything that's been going on with me internally for over a year now.

Heavy duty metaphysics.

This is another blog post I need to write but nobody needs to read because it's going to be LONG I can just feel it. I just need to walk through the words and get it fleshed out through myself so I better understand.

***

Last night, Nedmund told me that he dealt with -- this is hard to explain since it was a 'feeling, intuitive understanding-transfer' and not 'words' -- he dealt with all the energies for me that are in the spectrum of 'sound'.

This fried my brain a little trying to comprehend it, immediately. I'd just never thought of any guide 'dividing up reality' that way.

Me: You mean... you mean that the whole 'frequency bandwidth' that I associate with sound, you as an identity basically... constitute my... relationship with that.

Nedmund: ...basically. (I had the feeling he would have elaborated but I was not hearing very well and he didn't think I'd get any of it if he tried.)

Me: That's something I never even thought of.

I just sat quietly for a bit. This was a way of dividing up me and the universe I had not considered. So he was sound? What, was some other guide 'sight' or 'all things blue' or 'all things strawberry' or... ??

Me: Is it possible that "bandwidths of frequency" that constitute OTHER physical senses, are managed--I feel it's more accurate to say, 'are summed up in, for me'--by a so-called "Guide"?

Nedmund: Yes.

I meant, like some guide relates to vision and another smell and another touch. There are nearly 20 documented human senses already and probably hundreds more subcategories within those not to mention a bazillion 'subtle' senses that get into energy/psi-stuff. So... any of this energy spectrum can be cumulated as an 'identity' and interacted with, and I become more 'aware' of that part of myself when doing so. That is a much more... literal understanding than I had of guides before.

As for what they helped with, somehow, I had only considered 'concepts' before. Like guide-x might "help with a certain kind of relationships" for example. But this "implies" that guide-x is SEPARATE FROM both you, the other-thing, and the relationship, as if guide-x were an advisor of some kind.

But everything the guides tell me intuitively and literally, suggests that they are "quite literally the manifested energy OF all this". That means the me, the thing, the relationship, and (I hadn't thought until today) the senses, and the meaning-mapping for the brain, that is part of those things.

This is... different. I feel like I have to really THINK clearly to delineate this, as if normal levels of thinking are too course and fuzzy to get it, and I'm trying to 'turn up the focus' on the clarity of my mind.

***

I had never before considered that "a chunk of me + my-awareness-of + my-understanding-of + my-external reality" combined together could "be" an identity, a guide. I mean I I guess they keep telling me this but I never "got it" until now. And I still feel resistance and fuzziness about it. Now, that IS a little bit of how I understand archetypes. But guides seem like... more of "ME" whereas archetypes seem like more of "relationship between me and something else".

I saw a concept, "identity" like a chessboard of black and white men, black and white squares, and I could be any of the men I chose, or the board, or a square, or the air, or any percentage or combination... it was totally irrelevant: all identity is just a game: it is an arbitrary collection of consciousness assigned a title: it is form, which is actually not-form, it is all actually Nothingness.

from 'Bewilderness'

In my brain I'm so used to thinking of everything as 'representative'--separate. If I say 'the sun' the words are merely representative of the-actual-thing-the-sun.

If I have an archetype of my relationship with sun, the arch is the manifestation of the actual energies that make up 'our relationship'--which includes some of me and some of the sun quite literally but is dominantly the-relationship as a-thing.

But I had not thought of my guides in a way that fit with how they present themselves, that is kind of like archetypes except in a way more literal or perhaps more tied to the 'manifested-being' that includes every facet of my body, energy body, etc.

I had thought of them as overlapping with me, sharing energy. Mostly metaphysically. In fact I intuitively thought of it rather like I'd perceived me and the Four once, how all our chakras had merged and we had become 'that tree-of-life thing, in 3-D'. I thought, "OK, it's like the four of us comprise the human-spectrum of my universe" as that is what it seems with our relationships for various reasons.

So when they started introducing the guides, and it seemed almost like a geometry, a star-pattern, orbits-as-relationships, I thought that the Guides were probably other 'chunks-of', or other 'aspects-of', the universe. And actually I think this is so, it's just very different than I had thought of it because my definition of "me" in that universe had been both far too separate, and far too small. I AM the universe, I think, is what is trying to get through my brain. It's entirely possible that part of the planet Venus and part of a certain kind of jazz and part of things with an S-curve shape in them are all, actually, the SAME energy as is part of my elbow or my throat chakra.

(Semi-unrelated trivia I just thought of: I once had the distinct impression, years ago when I was experiencing things in this area, that Crowley upon death had deliberately and very literally become 'part of' a ton of identities. People who upon growing up, eventually were convinced they were 'him' in some previous life because, in effect, they all were. Just not 'entirely'. So we all dream of being some little part of him or some era of him. We all have relationships with Rose and Israel or at least most of us, because of it. We are all drawn to his work and "recognize it within us" because it's a tiny part of us. Once I understood that, I quit taking it so seriously. I no longer thought it had some profound meaning or that my current-life destiny needed to have any part of that. He is part of me like my elbow is part of me, and I like my elbow just fine and respect its place in my larger identity, but the decisions I make in this life belong to ME. He is a small welcome part of that, but I don't need to become a flippin weirdo, a power hungry control freak, or a ceremonial magickian, to evolve; those were his choices, I'm drawn to them because of the part of him inside me, but they are not my choices. I explored a little of all of those and then continued on my own way.)

Back to shared-energy and guides: Identity-wise, it's like 'my liver' as an identity is 'my liver', but "I" am also my liver (in part); that energy 'overlaps'--the liver-identity and the PJ-identity both "share" it. But I had not thought of Guides as being, for example, the energy of the liver, or even something more huge like the frequency bandwidth we categorize as sound, ye gods I can't even conceptualize what all that really means!--it overlaps with my body, but so much more.

I had thought of them as metaphysical, mostly. Like "Yea, and on some grand soul-level, there is more energy out there, and we both have part of it."

But I blogged just earlier and was reminded as part of it that I met a guide that was literally the combined energy of 'my eyes'. A GUIDE. A man. With an accent and personality of his own. A body-guide I called it and I relegated it to a completely different mental category than the guides I am meeting now. But he was basically the cumulative energy of a part of my body and he was a GUIDE, not an archetype.

I know. "Identity is an arbitrary collection of consciousness assigned a title." Still! This is so brain-crunching.

***

Now the idea seems to be that as I become more consciously familiar with these 'guides', that as they are kind of part of me -- important to realize, not limited to me, and existing in their own right, but "overlapping" enough in "shared energy" that it amounts to them also being "part of the larger me" -- that I become more aware of, and cognizantly able to deal with, "my fuller self". Or at least, parts of myself I didn't have awareness of in the past.

I've been kind of thinking of this in woo-woo metaphysical terms. Not bodily terms. But the body is just one energy. The energy body is so many others. And there are sheaths of energy body that extend from us. And probably whole dimensions that extend within us as well, popping out like physics bubbles that manifest and collapse like the freakily-different spontaneous dream-lings inside archetype meditations. So if Guides can be 'manifest of' the energy that is also our body, then. . .

I think part of this realization is that they are not separate. My psi, my rapport with Ganymede, and -- Jesus H. I just realized I actually have an ancient blog post called "My Liver Does RV." Some part of me in a tiny thread of way actually got this a long time ago. That my body and my reality and my psi [and quite possibly even the thing I am being psychic about (this part, obviously, would change with the target)] are a spectrum of the same thing.

***

IG said this was what I really, truly wanted (the Guides) despite my panicked avoidance of the 'awareness and introduction'. I recently read a lot of the Red Cairo and My Psiche blog histories (felt impelled to for some reason and I'm glad because there was so much I had forgotten), and the one thing that I see I have asked for repeatedly, and probably the only thing, is greater awareness, specifically greater psychic awareness. (Well ok and some related to my body/health/weight.)

So... I hadn't put it in this context or model before, but... maybe psi really IS physiologically-based, MUCH more than we give it credit for being. Not because the information necessarily is but rather, because even if a 'sense' exists in us, if we are oblivious to it, it's useless.

And even when we're aware of it, if we use it with the subtlety of a grizzy bear, then we're not going to get very much from it at all or we're likely to over-stereotype any data received from it (the 'pieces' of info are 'too gross/large' basically).

We only learned to see and hear and touch and taste and smell well because we grew up in a reality where we gradually were taught to perceive from those senses -- but only to limited degrees. Everything that was "outside the boundaries" of what our parents considered "reality" we were indirectly taught to NOT see (not pay attention to) as we modeled them. Some things in life, whether it's childhood or military combat or other unique threatening experiences, can open up our perception as a form of survival skill, either temporarily, or repeatedly enough to become habit. Even the existing senses (let alone many others that may "perceive and interpret and communicate to the brain, which then maps that energy to meaning") can hugely increase in scope and intensity under the right conditions (combat conditions and smell for example).

I've written somewhere before -- oh, in Bewilderness:

If you give a very young child a number of large colored beads and paste to make a picture with, you'll end up with a picture where the colors and sizes of the beads are intermixed; mostly just a glob of sticky beads. The child thinks it's a picture, but it doesn't look like one. Give these materials to a slightly older child, and they will usually separate the beads and use the contrast of color and size as part of the picture. The difference is not only physical coordination, but that the older children have had more training in how to differentiate and categorize the data they perceive. In this case, color and size. Because most people in our society can see, hear, taste, touch, smell, we are able to (whether deliberately or merely by association) educate our children into sharing the same interpretation of their perception as everybody else, and categorizing what they perceive appropriately. Confusing or multiple streams of data eventually become linear, recognizable sequences, quite separate from each other. [...some data about people perceiving 'aliens and entities' and being considered crazy for it, and sometimes genuinely clearly having problems...] But the point I am trying to make here is that whether the perception being twisted is regular eyesight or "astral" communication, the problem may not be with the perception nor the validity of the thing perceived, but rather the interpretive abilities of the receiver.

I have been more than aware that my nervous system is involved in remote viewing. I can literally feel myself 'shunting energy off' with physical abreactions at times. And feel parts of my body 'reacting' to data in some fashion.

Just in the last year with the guides I've started to feel the odd sense sometimes that something like interest or enthusiasm is "in" my body. It reminds me vaguely of when I first wanted to try squats (for weight lifting) and I was much heavier than I am now, and "my knees felt scared." Not my mind 'for' my knees; the fear quite literally seemed to be IN the knees; that was just so weird. I've sometimes had fear I clearly felt in one or more areas of my torso. Well I'm starting to feel a little more of that 'awareness' over time, as if maybe it has always been that way, but my internal model of emotions doesn't "allow" my knees to have them, so normally it would 'assign it' to some nebulous sense of "I" instead.

Or, rather like how my guides and I overlap and it's "seamless" so I usually think it is "me" thinking or talking when really it is as-much-them, I just didn't have my knees recognized as being their own identity of a sort. You almost have to have that concept before your brain can even conceptualize your knees feeling anything. Despite that even science will tell us that there is essentially "thoughts and feelings" -- the physiological elements that make up those things -- everywhere in the body, still we persist in thinking of all this as if they are all in some abstracted non-location. Not until I recognized that-part-of-myself as an-identity named Nero was I able to just sit down and have a conversation with it, send loving energy to it, etc.

A previous post from March 2008, "Psychic Pods" is where I explored, based on something I'd read in Ingo Swann's work, the idea that I had 'sensory receptors' for psi information inside me. It worked well enough to make me think there was something to it. I didn't have any idea what these might be but the archetype was pretty 'organic' in nature. Suggesting something physical and not just 'metaphysical'. Both McMoneagle and Swann have referred (in different ways) to psychic functioning being physiologically based. (And that obviously doesn't mean one has to be healthy since JM has had endless medical issues stemming from his long duration as a combat soldier, and other things. It isn't that general.)

Back in September 2008, "Taan and a Hostile Moment" is where I had this conversation (with Nero, about Taan):

Me: Well what's he really do?
Nero: He deals with your perception of self in relation to the world. How your energy interacts with the larger world and how you perceive yourself as related to that world.
Me: I thought he worked with my body. I had the feeling like, what it looked like, sort of.
Nero: That amounts to the same thing.
Me: It does not! Those are two completely different things!

What if they are not two different things? What if the definition of "me" and the definition of "the parts of me that do sensing" and the definition of "the sensing" and the definition of "the meaning/translation of the sensing" -- are, in fact, ALL basically just a rainbow-spectrum of the same thing? And so my body, and how it interacts, and how I perceive it interacting, are the same thing. It's energy. It only looks physical to our 5-senses that are in the same vibrational frequency. There's a larger spectrum of everything than what we perceive.

What if I'm not really separate from anything (whether it is 'sound' or 'psi-data-from-thingX-over-there'), but have just been physically and culturally geared to think of all this like a linear, multi-piece assembly-line of experience-in-separate-blocks, rather than just a 'spectrum' which is in fact all part of ME?

You can't control anything you consider separate from you. You have to 'bring it into you' and then you understand that the power and authority is yours. To the degree we consider ourselves separate from something we abandon our power over it. That's why archetype work is so powerful; when we accept it enough to really properly merge, we lose the 'separation' which is generally what is causing problems in our bodies, realities, etc.

***

I don't feel like I'm articulating this right. Let me try again with something simple and physical.

Let's say there is me. And there is... my guitar. And there is how I perceive the guitar, which relies both on physical senses, and on brain-mapping to interpret those senses. And there is how I play the guitar, and write songs on it, which call in all kinds of other slightly different areas, relating to everything from senses to creativity to physiology. And there is guitar as an archetype, music at large and as an archetype, on and on. Well I think of "me" as thing-1, the "guitar" as thing-2, my "physical senses" as thing-3, my "brain-mapping-of-senses" as thing-4, my "creative-interaction-with" it as thing-5, and there's like a dozen other steps in here (things6-18) that I'm leaving out that are more subtle (or I am insufficiently caffeinated to think of them).

Now let's say I pray to learn to better play, understand, whatever, my guitar. And along comes a guide who says they are here to help me better deal with this area.

I have been thinking of the guide as like, thing-19. An addition provided for me like a counselor or coach. They were 'part of me' in some cosmic sense like "I'm this huge invisible entity, and PJ's-body is just one teeeeny little speck in that, and they are part of some other, nebulously- abstracted- elsewhere-, part of the larger me, which can help."

But maybe the guide IS "the arbitrary collection of consciousness assigned a title" -- LITERALLY, "the combination of Things 1-18." Not just figuratively. Not representationally. But, like archetypes, that literal THING. Ignore that it seems like the guitar is there and I'm here so nothing could be both. We are nothing but energy, there is no time and no space, there is only that energy having a relationship with itself in some geometric pattern that makes it seem like it's a wooden object over there and I'm an organic object over here but really it's all just energy in one point of space and one point of time; reality is about 'relationships'.

Maybe the guide's name is allegedly Peter and he looks like a surfer dude and god-only-knows why, but the fact remains that he is not just overlapping with me/my energy in some abstract metaphysical way... he is literally, like an archetype but different, the SINGULAR-MANIFESTATION of that arbitrary-collection-of-consciousness (energy).

Jesus. Maybe I am really just the liver duct of someone way larger. HAHAHA.

***

I wouldn't have seen this if I hadn't written the long post earlier. It set up my brain in some respects and then after that I happened to be inspired to give someone a link to a page of Ingo quotes I collected and I reread them while I was at it.

He was talking about the "sensory receptors" as well as "sensory mapping". He's not necessarily talking about the 5 senses here, or even the nearly-20 or hundreds by other measures, but about whatever actual 'sensory perceptors' allow psychic functioning (which may be those, or others, or some combination, who knows). Here's a few quotes:

# The remote-viewing discovery work uncovered very delicate sense receptors which, when properly transduced into accurate intellect meaning resulted in controlled remote viewing. Thus, if perhaps not exactly so, the discoveries of the delicate sense receptors and proper sensory transducers must closely resemble the knowledge of the ancient Yogins and their concepts of the distant-seeing sidhi.

# Largely speaking, even the basic five senses are useless unless their sensory inputs are mitigated and analyzed by the intellect or some other analyzing part of the biomind -- after which a great deal seems to depend on the loads of information accumulated and actively contained in the intellect at the individual level and via which the sensory inputs are analyzed. . . The meaning here is that one's sensory receptors may indeed be receiving certain kinds of signals. But if one's intellect is not prepared to deal with their information loads, then the signals will remain invisible -- at least to one's non-sensitized, unaware cognitive intellect.

# [T]he thoughts one experiences are the end-products of the processes that produce them, and few are ever really aware of those processes. It is quite probable that the products of one's thinking processes are based exclusively in whatever sensory transducers have been formatted -- or NOT been formatted. The processes are therefore invisible and, usually intangible.

# [It] has often been deduced that people are trapped in the limits of their perceptions. But such is not actually the case. They are trapped within the sensory transducers which apparently produce the meanings which have been assigned to what they perceive -- and then only if they perceive it and actually have assigned some kind of meaning to the perceptions.

# Beginning somewhere before the 1970s, various researchers began to understand that the not only the neural nets of the brain process information. It increasingly became understood that the neurological networks throughout the whole bio-body itself also process information. And since the 1970s it has become understood that certain kinds of information are processed at the cellular level throughout the surface and internal organs of the bio-body.

# [Our] mental information processing grids must have information points consisting not only of sensory transducers, but also consisting of meaning transducers. If it is a case of becoming aware of gross and subtle signals, then appropriate meaning transducers must be established to cope with both kinds. And it must follow that the lack of such meaning transducers will leave what might be called "experiential holes or pits" in one's mental information processing grids. I prefer to call these "meaning defaults," though. . . . It is meaning which governs our understanding. . . . And meaning defaults will "mean" that we will not know or understand what has been experienced -- or we will either not experience it or perhaps know that we have.

# If we think only in terms of senses and/or sensing systems, then in very subtle ways we may be distinguishing between them and ourselves. It is true that we do "have" or "possess" senses and sensing systems. But something else is also true, and it is very important that it should be grasped. We ARE our sensing systems. And what we call "WE" or "US" or "SELF" is in some full part neither no more nor no less than our sensing systems are acknowledged, developed, and utilized.
-- Ingo Swann

I think the part that finally broke through my puny little mind was the idea that the sensing systems are as much "us" as anything else. I have often myself said that I think our bodies are as much spiritually us as anything else--we do not inhabit a shell (this is not a prison!), we "continually re-manifest an interface". That the energy of my knees is just as spiritual and specific as the energy of my heart chakra. (So, if I am fat, I am recreating this constantly; figuring out why or how to stop doing that, would result in a change in my physical experience.)

I thought of Nedmund talking about frequencies of sound and him being the guide for that, which almost cracked me trying to understand;
Then I remembered Nero suggesting that my actual body AND how I felt about myself related to others "were the same thing";
Then I remembered the meditation of the "psychic pods inside me" and the idea of those being psi-based sensory receptors but they were physical;
and then it all just hit me in a blinding flash that THIS IS WHY the Guides.

This is what they ARE: a vastly greater 'extension' of my fuller 'self' -- and more -- that I'll need to have rapport with in order to more effectively deal with psi.

So they aren't just me in metaphysical terms. They aren't just me in some cosmic star-pattern of greater identity (although it really does amount to that, it's much more literal and personal and physical and immediate). My projecting them into metaphysics is the equivalent of people projecting God into some guy on a cloud who is really nice as long as you don't piss him off and he'll give you a harp later if you do everything right. In short: it's a separation philosophy.

I should have realized how opposite that was. Everything they have been and even the Four are, is an INTEGRATION philosophy. They aren't introducing me to something new and different and elsewhere. They are introducing me to parts of MYSELF. They are the parts of me that I need to develop a relationship with because that's what I've been praying for: to be aware, to perceive, to interpret/translate. And as for appearing to be people and fairies and horses or whatever, I don't have an answer for this, except that (a) for all I know in some reality they really are, and (b) the whole point of a 'Guide' at all is for a RELATIONSHIP. So, somehow, it must relate.

"Personalization" as I've written about before. I cannot have a 'relationship' with some abstracted sense of nervous system components affected by a certain frequency of energy that is not perceivable to me consciously, which might literally be an element of psychic perception. Seriously! How obscure is that! But if all of that combines itself and shows up and says his name is Fred, THAT, I can have a 'relationship' with.

There could be literally infinite numbers of 'guides'. It's not like there are just me with 'The Four' and then some multiplication of that. I mean that IS real, but it's an "arbitrary division/compilation of consciousness" -- so other groupings, divisions, exist. (I knew that; I sensed that in an experience 14 years ago.) Everything exists. Everything is me but I am infinite.

It's not that they are more me than anything else (other guides) could be, so much as that they are more the parts of me that I have consciously chosen to become aware of and hence 'learn to better perceive/live through' -- because I specifically have wanted my primary development to be related to remote viewing (and, also but less often requested, related to my body and making it thinner so I'm not too shy or unable to to do many of the things I'd like to in life). Humorously, it may turn out that my desire for conscious psi functioning and my desire for improving my body have some overlap somewhere.

In fact now that I think about it, The Senior -- the Four -- brought them to me just after I had a very serious talk with them about Remote Viewing and said, in essence, I have paid my dues, I am READY, I deserve this, it is MINE, make it so! I never really grokked the two events as being related.

I just thought... I thought that we were going along just fine together and I was really happy about it, and then one day out of the blue I felt threatened to my very core-identity because all the sudden there were all these other people there that the others of the Four thought I should be getting to know. I didn't know them and didn't WANT to know them. Except now I see that they were me, and IG was right: this is exactly what I wanted to know, to learn, to do, to understand, to interact with.

In short, I prayed for an answer, and got "exactly what I asked for but not what I wanted." Hahaha.

So taking each day to "hold the hands of, concentrate on, imagine sharing energy with," each of my guides, is like attempting to wake up, clean off, sensitize, become aware of, and learn to interpret from, everything that relates to information in a certain range/block/category that guide is manifest-of.

***

Many of these... things, areas, whatever, I am so oblivious even to the existence to, that I could not possibly even ask for them consciously; my mind may not even be able to conceptualize (thanks to cultural conditioning and language limitations) how some things really work, or why, etc. The Guides are a 'conglomerate' of energy though -- just like I am -- they are complex and autonomous in their own right; and they contain, understand, are-OF, "pieces of the spectrum of me", "pieces of the spectrum of the universe".

Now to go back to the original concept I had for them: that they were essentially further, larger divisions of 'me' and 'my universe'. Like the Four are, combined, the human part of the universe (you could model this like the Tree of Life in QBL [Cabala] and its sephiroth); the larger number are, combined, a broader part of the universe. Different aspects of it, different 'ways of dividing and experiencing' it.

Nedmund is about 'sound'. Taan is about 'my body'. But they're not just abstracts or counselors. They are the named-identity comprised of the energies of thing-itself, both as it IS, as it is experienced, as it perceives being experienced, as it interacts as part of experience, because all of these things, from a larger perspective, are the same thing.

It's all just a spectrum of energy of the same thing. We choose to look at white light, and it inherently contains a rainbow of something, and all we see is red and green and purple of that rainbow, so we think it's totally separate things. We don't grok that not only is it 'all one', all part of a spectrum, but that the spectrum itself is part of an even greater one-ness.

I've said before that: The definition of God is I AM. Of the so-called Devil is WE ARE LEGION. Evolution is toward 'Singularity'. Consciousness is an organizing principle. Spiritual growth is like any other growth: you absorb into you what was already you but unrecognized, and you become aware of it, and via love (sympathetic rapport) and will (directed intent) that energy becomes part of your singular sense of identity.

And eventually you're not just a cell you're flesh and then you're not just flesh you're a liver and then you're not just a liver you're a torso and then you're not just a torso you're a whole person and then you're not just a person you're ... you're a Four, or a neighborhood or city, and then you're not just a city you're a continent, and then you're not just a continent you are Gaia, and then you're not just Gaia you are the Galaxy, and then you're not just the Galaxy you're the Universe... And then you hit the 'reset, game over' button and start again as an atom inside the molecule inside the liver of some woman in the Milky Way on Earth in North America in the midwest. Except I've only exampled the physical human spectrum which is just one of an infinite number of ways-of-combining consciousness.

The problem isn't that my perception is limited to that of being a human being. It's that my definition of what a human being 'is', is so profoundly limited, that even remote viewing makes me feel like some totally alien 'creature' that other humans could not possibly understand. The range of a human is utterly vast and diverse compared to what we know of it. I don't know anything but the most trivial, shallow, sliver of myself. When I encounter any aspect of who I really am, it feels alien; separate from the me-I-know-to-define-as-human.

My psychic perception is profoundly limited by the fact that I am oblivious to the physical senses and semi-physical [energy body] senses and maybe other senses I have even to DO the perceiving in the first place. Even if they work fine, I'm as oblivious to them as senses as I am deaf and blind sometimes to people in my inner world trying to talk to me.

And even if I were aware of the senses and the pure energy (information) they perceive, I still need to end up with a brain-mapping that lets me transfer that perceptual sense into meaning that I can communicate.

I want to view, I want to 'wake up and get to know' the parts of me necessary for doing this well, and it just so happens that they are a whole spectrum of "self" that I have considered myself separate from, not known, not wanted to know, been afraid to know because it took me out of my comfortable little 'box' that my reality fit in. I think that's why I've reacted with such strong fear to guides so far. It isn't that I feared them, it's that I feared myself.

I have a safe little boxed identity and expanding to include them wipes out that identity and builds a new one big enough to include them too. So of course the "I" am always afraid; the I is "ego" defending the territory of "identity". That's it's job, it's good at it, and there's a good reason for it to exist. But sometimes that just has to be set aside enough to make a substantial change.

***

Me: Nero?

Nero: I'm here.

Me: Why... why didn't you guys make this clear to me sooner, so I wouldn't fight it so much?

Nero: You have a lot of resistance. It took a substantial amount of our energy to weigh against that. A certain number of us needed to be present in your awareness. That's why IG has been forcing the introductions.

Me: And what do you work with me on again? (I felt myself 'resisting' and 'blocking' in the lower right of my torso. I can't explain how/why I felt it there but I knew I wouldn't be able to "hear" him if he told me. I felt as if he 'changed tactics' upon us mutually realizing this.)

Nero: Maybe some things you would not be able to easily understand even if you were told, even if you had internal concepts that allowed it to be told, and a language base that allowed you to translate it. That is why your guides are identities you can have relationships with on your own terms. Sometimes, they have much energy you will not understand, that you have no model for, or not exactly. In those cases, maybe you see a faery instead of a human, or a horse.

Me: Ohhhhhhhh! {Thinking} So maybe you are a manager of sorts, that I met you first, perceive you most clearly, love you most, and you seem to know a lot about this.

Nero: The way you model things, makes you want me to be that; a sense of authority; something in a pattern of heirarchy.

(I had the sense, not spoken, that if I wanted an authority or manager identity for Guides, I should be looking to Inner Guide or the Senior for that.)

Me: Is it ok that I love you unreasonably for something only in my head?

Nero: {smiling} It's fine.

Me: Can I learn to love all my other guides that much?

Nero: Yes.

I just sat here thinking for awhile, kinda spaced out.

So the guides really ARE, as I first envisioned, "pieces of the universe-which-is-me"; as if I had arbitrarily divided the universe of energy into a puzzle and they were each a piece.

But they are NOT, as I was modeling it, some distant, abstracted, metaphysical thing. They are of my body and my energy body as much as they are of the energies of my reality and my world as much as they are of the energies of astral, mental, and other 'psychic' realms, as much as there are of things I don't even understand.

And, specifically since that was my request, they deal with (a) all the parts of me [including physiological senses] involved in conscious psychic functioning (and how all this interacts with my reality), and (b) the parts of me related to my body (and how all this interacts with my reality).

When I set out to meditate on stuff related to psi sometimes and to tell The Four that I wanted remote viewing as my focus and skill, I guess this is in fact exactly what I needed. It's a great gift. Confusing, a little weird, kind of embarrassing to talk about, but the genuine and powerful expansion of self, or evolution, I wanted.

So it's definitely time to get more proactive about my guides and our relationship.

PJ

The Bad-Stuff Guides: Manual Override

As much time as I spend "in denial" it's amazing I get any blogging done at all.

A few days ago I was thinking about my reality. About the idea of creating reality, and about some of my past experiences. I was thinking that I went from athletic to gigantic because I obviously pulled some genetic-hormonal-issue into the forefront of my reality, seemingly by accident but, if nothing's an accident, then I guess by design on some level. I was thinking about why it is a person might choose to experience negative things.

It occurred to me that choosing positive things would be a good step forward, and guides could help me with that. You know, the guides I am always not wanting to talk to. I want to 'claim my own power' and have better manifestation ability, but introduce me to a guide for just that purpose and it just pisses me off because they aren't supposed to be real and I'm embarrassed about it. No dichotomy here!

Then I had this rather abrupt thought: if guides exist to help me manifest what I choose, what if I choose something BAD?

"Nero!" I yelled, as if bellowing in the psychic realm is somehow more effective than talking. My 'sense of him' appeared in front of me just slightly to the left.

"If I choose on some mostly unconscious level to experience something bad, and you're the guide that deals with that genre of energy for me, do you actually help bring about the bad thing?"

"Regrettably, yes," he admitted.

"But WHY?" I whined like my pre-teen.

"All experience is equal," he said, quoting me back at me. "If that is an experience you choose, and that you can learn from, then I would help bring it about."

I sat there thinking about that for a bit. This idea kind of struck me in a hard way. Imagine you get hired and your job is to do anything person X tells you, and you really like person X and want to help them do great things. But person X keeps getting drunk (let's say, to form some analogy to the "mostly-unconscious" state we create reality from) and starts giving you really bonehead commands like "hurt me!" and "screw this up for me!" haha, and you have to do them because that's your job. Even though it might even contradict what you were trying to accomplish in other respects. That would suck! Poor guides. I almost felt sorry for them then.

It occurred to me that one of the problems most of us have is that a great deal of our reality is being formed by parts of ourselves on some kind of 'default' setting. We have belief systems that we don't see well, don't understand, or haven't even thought to look at. We have patterns we don't yet see. It's the stuff under the radar that is the hard part. When we see and understand something about ourselves, we can proactive work on it, ASK for help on it. It's all the stuff we're oblivious to that is the issue.

The more I thought about it, the more it seemed like consciously working with your guides is basically implementing "manual override" for your reality.

It's like saying ok, I know there's lots of stuff going on under my radar here, but since I have a direct line to an aspect of me that wields a bunch of power/influence in this or that area of my reality, I should make a point to talk with them. Just like they're a client or coworker, and I am project-managing my life. If I go talk to them and say something like hey, ok I'd like to have another vehicle now, then I am specifically directing their attention and their help to that area. It's obvious I have SOME kind of issue in that area, or I would not currently be without a car, right? And this basic logic you could apply to anything in your reality that is different than you want it to be, from health to job to trivia.

Seen in that light, the idea of actually being aware of guides and not wanting to meet them and resenting them and not talking to them seemed downright retarded frankly. It seemed perfectly reasonable that this was a "manual override" opportunity that not all people are 'aware' enough to be fortunate enough to be introduced to. It's like someone handed me this great project management tool for my life but I'm over in the corner in a snit because the tool isn't something I found in a book and can write code logically about and implement in some respectable and reasonable fashion.

It would just turn out, wouldn't it, that in the end, the primary 'technology' ends up feeling a lot like praying. Another thing I've spent great time avoiding. I mean dammit, it'd just figure!

(I'm reminded of the end of the movie 'My Cousin Vinnie' where the guy realizes he didn't succeed entirely on his own, and his girlfriend said that'd just be his torture wouldn't it, that he'd just be wildly successful but every damn time he'd have to say THANK YOU to someone.)

For some reason, my "perspective" on the subject of guides seems to be changing a little. I'm getting over it -- a little. I still haven't actually talked to any of them again besides Nero briefly. But I think internally I am getting used to the idea.

Marcan, Black-Eyes and Remote Viewing

Yesterday when napping I had such an 'astral-ish' dream. The sort where you can totally feel your energy body moving around. It vaguely related to remote viewing but I didn't remember much detail. Only that I was lying on a trampoline and gently throwing myself (impossibly) up into the air and then sinking low and rebounding.

Last night I was dreaming and again, I was focused on remote viewing. Not a surprise as I've been working on a human target pool yesterday and today. A man showed up to help me who seemed normal and friendly, we were going to be working on my RV, and I was just feeling enthusiastic when another man showed up very suddenly and pulled me away from him, forward in space but somehow in time as well.

The man who had arrived had a 'fascination' element for me; his eyes were black and hypnotic. In the back of my head, I was concerned about the nice guy, but couldn't seem to think very clearly about it anymore.

We were continuing on this journey, and the first man showed up behind us to join me. He seemed to think that it was his place to be with me related to RV. The second man with 'the eyes' grabbed him and threw him some impossible distance away. I looked back, stricken, worried that he would be harmed, and it seemed he had crumbled in a heap in the distance. But then the new guy's eyes distracted me and we continued on.

The nice guy showed up behind us a second time, refusing to leave me alone with the other. The other guy then grabbed him and somehow threw him into an oncoming speeding car that tumbled over until when I looked again, somehow he was stretched out like a cartoon around the end of a truck, obviously dead. I was getting more concerned now but again the eyes distracted me and we walked on.

A third time, the man showed up beside me, and the guy next to me threw him back on the ground, and the man with me shot him in the head three times. I looked in some horror at all the blood spreading on the ground behind us, and feeling some odd sense of grief I let the man pull me forward and away.

I suddenly woke up, and the dark-eyed man couldn't hold me asleep as I felt he tried to; he was gone to me when I awoke. But I could sense the other man in the dream though--the nice guy who had come to get me three times--as if he were right there with me while I was awake--something I've only felt Nero do before.

I said to him, "Damn, what a dream. Are you real? Are you one of my Guides?" He said yes. I brought us to Inner Guide and asked her if he was in Nero's group and she said yes. I said, "How can you be ok?" He answered, "He can't really hurt me; he can only give you the illusion of my death so you would give up on me." I thought then about how it did seem that when I looked back, his various injuries had sort of followed my attention.

"What's your name?" I asked, apparently too sleepy to remember this part is usually difficult for me, and he said, "Marcus." "Just like that?" I asked with some humor. "So... you are a guide who would work with me on RV, yes?" He nodded.

I still don't really understand the dream. Who was the bad guy with the black hypnotic eyes who didn't want him near me? It had that "three" sequence which I often get in meaningful dreams.

Well so I guess I have another guide now. At least this one's name wasn't hard to figure out.

.
(Edited 21NOV09: Marcus told me he was better with Marcan as a name. I asked why and he said he gave me Marcus because "It was familiar to you" and he wanted me to perceive it without any resistance. So... ok. I have changed the name in the blog so the labels work.)

Imagination and Reality

I was thinking back on my conversation with Nero about exercise.

I was thinking, I don't understand how I'm supposed to tell the difference. When I'm talking to "Guides" or in the middle of an "Archetype Meditation", I mean. It's a subtle experience. I think some things come from "them" and some from "me". In the recent experience, the idea to exercise felt like MY idea. Like I imagined it. Nero suggests otherwise. So how am I supposed to tell when it's me vs. Nero vs. god-only-knows-who some part of my psiche world? I can't tell. Sometimes something just seems like I imagined it.

Nero: Of course you imagined it. We've talked about this before. Imagination is the tool for communication. That doesn't make it the source of the information.

Me: It's braincrunching. I have a hard enough time with archetype meditations. But bringing my ordinary thought process into this "is it live or is it Memorex?" question is really confusing. I don't know how to evaluate what is imagination and what is real.

Nero: I know what you mean, but that's not really the right question.

Me: ?

Nero: Even in your ordinary thinking, what you think is 'your imagination', the actual 'source' of information may come from many aspects within you or around you.

I thought about that for awhile.

Nero: There are entities who perceive everything as imagination. Your solid world, to them, is just as imaginary as a fleeting daydream. They think they create everything. There are entities who perceive nothing as imagination. Your fleeting thoughts, they would attribute to that a reality and source external, just as you do objects. They think they create nothing. Your entities, your world, has a split down the middle. All energy of a certain relationship--a certain range of vibration near your physical body--you consider totally outside you and external, separately-created, and everything else, you consider totally inside you and self-created. Only a few scientists working with gases and molecules (and especially quantum 'particles') cross that center divider line and not by much. The reality is that it is all internally created and yet separately experienced at the same time. It's the wave vs. particle argument: your people don't yet understand that things can be polarities, opposites, and quite literally be the same thing; that reality is about perspective. You know that reality is an illusion of sorts. You've written about how you don't like it when people invalidate it for that reason, that it's a creative art form of the self. Yet you invalidate your inner world for the same reasons that some people invalidate reality.

Me: I see.

I thought about that for awhile.

Me: So what you're saying is, even during normal times, I don't really know where my thoughts are coming from. I just think I do. It all has the "sense of self" when I perceive it, so I assume it all comes from "me", but maybe it doesn't.

Nero: Basically, that's correct.

After another long pause, I said:

Me: But there has to be a sense of division. Otherwise I'd be insane. I wouldn't know what to attribute to myself or anybody else.

Him: Anybody else? You know the difference between you and everybody else.

Me: I mean like guides. Aspects of me. In my head.

I did a double-take. That wasn't Nero who'd just responded. That was Taan!

Me: Wait a minute -- holy shit! Now, I didn't even notice that wasn't you, Nero. Why do you guys feel the same, at least at that moment? How do I know, if I'm not 'looking' so my mind is giving me some visual, which of you is talking to me?

Taan: That's the point. You don't need to know. Your guides CAN be external entities you have conversations with, but they don't need to be. Most people operate with their guides unknown, and a good portion of the thoughts they have are actually sourced, if you want to put it that way, from their guides. This relationship is meant to work seamlessly. And there is not a clear division, anyway. Some amount of my energy is yours, and some of yours is mine.

Me: You kind of sound the same. I mean in... intellectual tone, you might say. Although I do 'feel' a difference between you. It's... hard to put into words. But the way you phrase stuff sounds the same. Maybe that means I'm imagining it all. Or maybe...

Nero: Of course we do. Although our energies have differences, which you'll experience more over time, the primary factor of how communication comes through is you, not us.

Me: What do you mean?

Taan: You were reading something "channeled" yesterday and had a negative opinion about it --

Me: How do you know that? I hadn't met you yesterday.

Taan: I have always been with you. I will always be with you. Our attention might diverge at times but in general, in this life, we are not separate. Your recent "meeting" me is about your conscious awareness expanding to include me. I didn't just spring into being the moment you met me, you know. I wasn't on a distant star.

Me: Now I know that's Taan, because you have that feeling of laughter weaving through the words and humor, and Nero is more serious.

Nero: Don't call me boring (sounding amused).

Me: "Let me choose my own words" (teasing him).

Taan: --and you had a negative opinion about it. You thought it was flowery and gushy and ridiculous. But if her guides talked to her the way we talk to you, she wouldn't even hear them. That is not what she is open to. And if we tried to talk to you the way she perceives them, you wouldn't hear us either. We operate in the framework of your personality. The difference is not the guide, but the person.

Me: So when people into Seth channel and it sounds rather like Seth, it's because their personality was already geared to a comfort with that kind of communication, not to mention their expectations were obviously set, so that's how everything sounds. You're saying whether it's internal conversation with guides or 'channeling' something -- er, someone -- um, else -- that it's always the communicator that frames it, not the source.

Taan: Mostly--but with trance channeling this can vary, in part because to varying degrees the communicator themselves steps out of the way so more of the source is present in those cases. But in the case of 'light' channeling, which is generally guides not deeper elements of self, or conversation with guides, this is correct.

Me: But I want to talk to you. I want to know you. I want to know the differences between you. I like that you have individual personalities. It makes it feel more real to me. Otherwise I feel like I'm making all this shit up in my head and instead of spiritually exploring I'm really just a highly functional schizophrenic. Don't you dare comment on that part. I mean I need to feel a sense of 'other' and surprise and 'difference' between me and you. If I don't feel that, if it all feels like "me", then I feel like it's just imagination.

Nero: Didn't we just have this conversation?

Me: Gaahhhh! But how can I TELL what I'm making up and not, since it sometimes seems like -- with that thought about exercise -- that it's MY invention?

Nero: Sometimes, acting on something as a matter of demonstrating trust and honor, is more important than whether the source of the something was yourself or someone else.

Me: Like doing something you think your prophet recommends. Whether the book is accurate or not, whether what you think is right or wrong is what the book says is right or wrong, is not the point; whether you are honoring your God and prophet by behaving a certain way you think is what they'd want, is more the point.

Nero: Right.

Me: But if I really thought an idea came from a guide instead of me I'd be more inclined to act on it.

Taan: This is the real issue that you are upset about. Not so much that you cannot tell, but that you feel a difference in your sense of obligation and autonomy.

Me: Well but it makes sense! Of course I do.

Nero: But the choice is always yours. It doesn't matter if an idea comes from us or comes from you. It is always your choice about what to act upon. You live according to your own decisions.

Me: But if --

Taan: But you give more credibility and respect to invisible entities you call guides than to your own ideas. You want them to be responsible for your decisions by "giving extra weight" to an idea because it seems to come from a cosmic source.

That shut me up for awhile, thinking.

Me: And if I just invented all this crap?

Nero: We've talked of this before. Information has value to you or doesn't. The source of that information has no bearing on whether it has value to you. This assignment of value and meaning based on the source of your thoughts is really just a filter you're placing on things as part of an avoidance of personal responsibility.

I decided to end the conversation there.

Since it didn't seem like it was going very well for me.

My guides don't seem nearly as "nice" to me as other peoples' are. Maybe that is part of 'what I will accept' too. Maybe it's a good thing.

It's kind of annoying though.

PJ

Taan and a Hostile Moment

I went to see IG last night. It was her turn to choose. I don't know what happened. I was there... I was wide awake I thought... and I woke up this morning.

I hadn't been breathing well given the swelling in my right hand. I was having some dream that in my little girl's dojo, some woman had freaked out and between my kid and a young man who was a blackbelt, she had been killed, somewhat accidentally. It was a big heavy darkness on the sensei and on the two people involved. Someone brought in her body. There were two 2" thick long bags, bizarrely. It looks like two real thin rifle cases or something. Anyway...

I went back to IG first thing. Apologized for apparently passing out in the middle of a sentence or something. Told her I was ready for whatever she wanted me to meditate on.

I turned to the archetype, but I could see him oddly well for an arch with an issue; not very well, but he felt different. Just a man, ordinary. I couldn't see anything on him that needed cleaning, healing, adjustment, etc. I eyed him suspiciously.

Me: Are you an archetype?
Him: No. I'm another from your Consortium, as you call it.

I said nothing for awhile.

Me: I think this is AOL. Like some expectation, based on my last meditation being a guide.
Him: Your last meditation wasn't a guide. You've done archetype work since then.
Me: Oh yeah. Well but so what! That isn't the point. I think you're not... real. That I'm just imagining the whole thing. And why do you keep smiling?
Him: That's my nature.
Me: Well maybe I don't like your nature.
Him: You're a little hostile, but it's ok.

I stood silently for awhile more.

Me: What do you allegedly work on with me?
Him: Energy patterns.

I eyed him warily.

Me: Oooh Aaah. ALL guides work with energy patterns. That's a stock answer.
Him: Patterns within and related to your body.

I imagined colored shapes moving around inside me.

Me: Then make me feel something. Tangibly. Physically.

He grinned at me. His grinning at me just pissed me off for some reason.

Him: That's the skeptic route. You know it doesn't matter. If I give you that, you'll just think it wasn't enough, or you imagined it, or it still doesn't count unless I repeat it over and over, and so on. Anybody in that frame of mind is not going to be convinced by anything. You of all people know this, right?
Me: You're just avoiding the issue.

I felt as if something were pressing against my left cheek, and pulling it slightly.

Me: Is that you on my face?
Him: You're already telling yourself you're imagining it.
Me: Of course I am! (I snarled)

I felt like crossing my arms and sulking.

Me: Nero! -(He appeared a bit to my left.)- Is this guy really one of you?
Nero: Yes.
Me: Am I deluding myself?
He grinned.
Nero: Yes, somewhat.
Me: What? If he's really a guide, how am I deluding myself?
Nero: You're not really letting him through. The work he does is not just about moving the colored shapes in your body that you modeled it as internally.
Me: Well what's he really do?
Nero: He deals with your perception of self in relation to the world. How your energy interacts with the larger world and how you perceive yourself as related to that world.
Me: I thought he worked with my body. I had the feeling like, what it looked like, sort of.
Nero: That amounts to the same thing.
Me: It does not! Those are two completely different things! --And why is he so fucking cheerful?!
Nero: You really ARE cranky and hostile, you know.

I stomped away from him and glared at the other guy.

Me: So what is your alleged name?

I heard what sounded like a dozen names at once somehow. All of them had a sound like flat-A "AN" or "AM" in it. All the men's names I know that include that -- Dan, Adam, etc. -- flashed 'around' me somehow.

Me: Aw hell. Nero, IG, I have that problem again. I can feel the energy, I can hear a syllable, but I can't find the right shape of the sound.

I worked on it. Really tried to be open to it. Finally I said:

Me: "Taan" is the best I can do for now. I have the feeling there is somehow a 'doubling' of that energy-sound, like "twice as much energy in that shape as that word has", but when I try two syllables that feels even more wrong.

Taan: 'Taan' will do. I'm fine with that.

{note: edited this post later to change spelling which felt wrong.}

Still feeling like I'd rather send him away or punch him for some reason, rather than work with him, I forced myself to imagine taking his hands, and then slid my arms around him in a hug.

He started laughing. I knew why. I could feel that when I hugged him, the 'separation' between us became like a molecular layer of metal. He was definitely not getting through if I had my way.

"IG, help," I said with a sigh, and felt the layer of division dissolve. I hugged him again and felt that we were more integrated then, and I pulled him fully into me, but I didn't really feel a merge.

I walked back to her.

"I'm sorry I fell asleep last night," I said, wondering. I don't even remember what was going on when I did. Nada zip zero. I have to wonder if I was actually in the middle of something I had such an issue with that some part of me isn't remembering on purpose. "Thanks for helping me," I finally said, not knowing what else to say.

She said nothing, but nodded her head slightly.

I felt depressed. A little angry but mostly depressed. No idea why. I moved back to my plateau through the normal route but at near light speed, rolled it up inside me.

My computer almost didn't start for some reason.

My webserver at blog.palyne.com ATE the last 24 hours of my activity on that website as of yesterday around 7pm, and despite all my emails pleading, has failed to restore it and it's now over 12 hours later, which might mean it's lost forever. They haven't responded to the emails either which is weird as they normally are very prompt with service.

Somehow, both things, my computer's slow boot that stopped until I popped the DVD drive out and in again, and my home webserver having failed to restore itself or respond, just seemed like it was completely appropriate in the energy I was sitting in.

I still feel depressed. As if some energy inside me is just not... right. I know it must be related to why I was so hostile because Taan seemed so cheerful. But I don't feel like dealing with it right now. I kind of feel like throwing darts at someone. So I'm just going to go back to sleep I think. If I can.

Fluency with Archetype Meditations

I figured of all the stuff on the list, surely "fluency with archetype meditations" was the most important. Wasn't it some famous person who said if he had six hours to chop down a tree, he'd spend the first 5 sharpening his axe? I figured this meditation ought to be my version of sharpening the axe. In fact it occurred to me to wonder why I had never actually thought about doing an archmed ON archmeds before.

I paid a lot of attention to deliberately focusing on everything from the moment I appeared in my space on the plateau. I don't know why I'd kind of forgotten this, but a lot of what you eventually get out of an archmed depends on how much you've put in. By that I mean, if you pay no attention to anything until you get there, then when it doesn't seem very vivid, well that's partly because I'd been taking no effort to ground myself 'in' that world up to then. It's in part for the effect it has on the state of mind, of course. The more clear your process just of getting to IG is, the better the meditations are likely to be in some respects. So I made a point to really focus this time, feeling that IG was the one reminding me of all this.

So for the arch, which I turn around to see behind me, I had this response I've had a few times before: when I turned around to see it, I felt like I turned the wrong way. Like... like I was winding up in my sheets or something, where you just feel like turning that way is bringing resistance, so you need to turn the other way. Except when I turned the other way, that didn't work either. Finally I did a sort of backflip and that felt right. I thought that was odd as that is rare.

The arch was tall and sticklike with bizarre proportions a little like a human sized praying mantis with really dominant groucho-marx eyebrows that were somehow sticking out from everything else. It had a nearly human expression though.

Me: why are you so sticklike-skinny?
Arch: I haven't been "fleshed out".
(I nearly giggled at how obvious that was.)
I worked on fleshing him out and that went ok.
Me: why are your eyebrows like... like that?
Arch: Everything seems difficult to believe.
(I realized that's what the look amounted to.)
I worked with him awhile and it felt ok. In the end he turned out like a normal person. I swear I've had more 'normal person' archetypes with this IG than all the others combined I think. Or maybe I am getting less weird in some way and it's me and not her!

But I had the feeling there was something else.

I got a flash of a face. Human, but there was this stripe of red like paint or something that went across the eyes, which were small, and it seemed to be lying down, and the eyes made it seem... unhappy. I refocused on that data point and had the feeling there was something wrong with this creature. Wrong in the head, like physically sick. I put out my hand and imagined pulling out all the wrong energy, and what seemed like a black cancerous disgusting something formed but I had a real "rush" as I was doing that, body-wide, so I figured it was really working. When that seemed completed, I imagined sending all that yucky energy into super deep in the earth where it could work on cleansing it, and then the archetype actually seemed ok and like a normal person.

"I'm ready for more!" I shouted back at IG.

Something fell from the sky and landed like 3 inches in front of me, startled the shit out of me, and a humanoid over-thin figure covered in a black insect exo-skeleten instantly grabbed me by the throat and started choking me. But I was in far too good a mood for that. "So," I said to it cheerfully and with a real sense of hilarity -- another Matrix ref, wait for it -- "You think that's AIR I'm breathing in my head?!" and as it seemed a bit nonplussed I imagined just sending this overwhelming wave of pure energy-love at its very middle-inside, and I felt it starting to bulge until finally I poured so much into it that the black just exploded and standing in front of me was an ordinary guy, no longer choking me. I grinned and wrapped my arms around him and imagined we merged. I only felt a minor rush but I didn't mind because I had the feeling that one had gone well. I was proud that instead of having to yell for IG to save me I had 'dealt with it' in such a positive way.

But I had the feeling there was something else. "IG," I said, "What else can I do on this med?"

"Open your heart to me," she says. I had the feeling she was being literal on this and not metaphorical. So I imagined that I opened a set of double doors that had covered my heart, and I pulled them wide open so it was exposed to her. As she came near me, either me or she or both imagined it got huge and literally she walked right into it. She seemed to merge into it and then expanded to merge into my whole body, so we were together. I didn't have any rush, but I did feel the merge.

I was about to ask her why she did that when I realized I could feel it, and maybe she did it so I could feel it properly: there was some specific physical energy block in my back on the left side. I got a good sense of it and held that as I project my attention outside "our" body and started doing energy work to pull it out. It was shaped like a metal carrot or something. I dropped it to the grille I now stood on, imagined it liquifying and the liquid becoming chemically inert as it fell into the sewer system below. (This is the symbolism I use in cleaning-room meds, as it tells the physical body to put any vented chemical in the waste systems of the body.)

I rejoined her, and then I could feel another, in the hip area on my back on the left. So I did it again. I rejoined her again, and felt another, in the neck-shoulder area of my back on the left. Hard not to notice they were all on the left. Hard not to notice the left is what's associated with the feminine and the receptive, too. I got the 'pieces' out and then called in "the violet flame" (total 'transmutation' concept of fire) through us, and then I felt that we were done, it was ok, and I'd gotten down what she was hoping to help with.

Feeling quite positive and cheerful at this point, in part because this med was slightly more vivid and kinesthetic than a few I've had lately, I said, "Ok IG, I want to meditate on something else, anything, you choose!"

I started to put some conditions on that but changed my mind.

When I turned around, I couldn't see anything. No I mean, I could see everything, the landscape, but I couldn't see the archetype. Yet I could feel something was there. I searched with my eyes around the entire area where the arch usually is and when I got up pretty high I saw a slight 'distortion' in the visual field as if to indicate something "transparent" was there.

I considered that. What creative visualization could I do that would make something non-transparent? I imagined Star Trek and I thought ok, I am now tuning my head to a frequency where whatever frequency that energy is at, is now totally visible. So I did that, imagining a dial knob on my head haha, and it came into view.

It was a house-sized galosha. You know, those oversized rubber boots people wear over shoes, although the last time I wore one I was probably four years old. I considered it for a few moments before deciding this was seriously odd and no matter what needed doing with it, the one thing I felt very clearly is that it was not supposed to be rubber and that just had to change.

Feeling pretty cheerful still, I called in Sun, Jupiter and Mars (spur of the moment is all, no great reason for those aside from Sun) to help me, and they all merged into me temporarily as I put my hands against the rubber and imagined that we were changing the molecular structure of this object into something else. It actually changed so fast I was surprised, and it vanished, as if maybe it was actually just "hiding" something to start with, as opposed to "being" something of its own.

I was looking at a totally ordinary looking young woman with medium brown hair, brown eyes. I could see her surprisingly well.

Me: Well you're... you look like an ordinary person.
Her: I am, where I come from. I am part of your Consortium.

I considered her critically. Was this imagination-for-real?

Me: Why would you say a thing like that?
Her: Because it's so.
I resisted. No, that's just not normal!

Me: Nero! (He appeared to my left) Is she part of your group?
Nero: Yes, she's part of us.
Me: But that's impossible. She's an archetype! Not an aspect-of-me Guide.
Nero: You didn't ask for an archetype. You told IG she could choose what you meditated on. That's what she chose.

I was kind of stunned.

Me: You mean IG can have me meditate on stuff that isn't archetypes??
Nero: You should know already IG can do anything.

I just had to sit there absorbing that for a minute. Earlier that evening me and my boyfriend had been talking about doing meditations that let our mind 'show us whatever it was most interested in/needed to work with' so maybe there'd be less interference during RV work. When RV is your only time of sitting quietly and becoming receptive, maybe the stuff we're interested in is going to come through then, sometimes in competition with our attempt to describe the target instead of whatever we're actually getting more strongly. Might IG be able to deal with that, to "vent off" energy that we were pulling to us and needed to "deal with" before we got to psychic work we didn't want interference with?

I turned back to the girl. She was just so ... so ... NORMAL looking.

Me: What is your name? I've got to have something to call you.

I felt that she was trying to tell me, but my typical "LALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU" with Guides suddenly went into effect and I could hear nothing. I sensed her frustration. But more strongly, I sensed this feeling I used to get a lot in my Bewilderness days:

I felt as if I could "feel the shape of the sound" inside me. Sound has a geometry. The problem is, English just doesn't match it well. So I feel like I am searching sounds, syllables, trying to find the right sound that will "match the feel of the shape of the energy" so that the energy and 'sound' will "match". English sucks! It's really hard. Usually it can't be done and you have to combine a whole long paragraph of English together to come out with a sort of larger-average-conglomerate that "kind of" matches the shape-of-sound instead. But you can't name someone by a paragraph, so that wouldn't work here. I felt so frustrated as I could FEEL, intuitively, the energy-shape, and I ran through sounds with my mouth and head, trying to find what matched.

Finally I said, "Nero, IG, help us with this please. I'm going to really really really concentrate on being 'open' in the throat chakra and I want you to give me the sound and I mean really GIVE me the SOUND, as AUDIO, because I am just not getting it intuitively!" And I focused incredibly hard on being "open to data" in that area and of that nature, and worked to "let go of" all the AOL I could feel I was holding based on sounds I'd gone through repeatedly in my search. I "kind of" got some audio. I worked with it, and with the feel, and asking to get it again, until finally I had the actual SOUND of the name. Or at least, I felt, "a name that worked for her," even if maybe it wasn't perfectly whatever her real name was.

I had the feeling that she wanted me to write it down so she could work out the spelling. I wrote it down and felt her respond like, "That isn't right. Try again, something more in the middle that stretches the central sound." So I tried again, and after half a dozen times, I finally got it right, and she felt that it was right. So her name is:

Bolehren.

Which sounds like Bo-LAIR-en. (I initially wrote as Boleran, and now I see why she wanted me to change it.) Of course, I've never heard of such a name, but just as well. Maybe it would be weird if my guide's name was Linda or something.

I turned to Sun and Jupiter and Mars and hugged them. I had a cool rush while hugging Jupiter, who I was thinking of meditating on recently. (Jupiter astrologically is associated with family/household I believe. Or something that felt right.)

I decided since Bolehren is a guide like Nero, not an archetype, I felt a little different about her; the whole merge thing didn't seem appropriate. I can't remember now how I ended it with her. I only remember that I looked back at IG to see if there was yet-more.

IG: You want more?
"I'm a machine," I joked (another Matrix ref). So I asked for the next thing on the list I'd written down, "My cars and computers", but I'll cover that in another post.

Med: My Biggest Problem, Take 1

Well, the new IG and I started our first meditation today.

It was on "my biggest problem." This was destined to be a problem meditation because, of course, it's on a problem. The bigger the problem, the more likely the archetype will be unclear, the process confusing, etc.

(Unless it's one of those where the arch is instead, utterly terrifying. I recall doing a couple of 'fear of psi' archmeds, which I thought would be no issue at all, that were so frightening I had to do them during the day with my eyes open, standing against one wall and placing my sense of the archetype at the other side of the room. But usually problems start fuzzy and confusing, not scary.)

My idea of 'my biggest problem' is that IG should choose. It could be something physical, emotional, spiritual, psychological, some issue in my manifested reality, some combination of things -- totally up to IG. After working one round, the next request for 'my biggest problem' should, logically, be something different, as we assume that the one already dealt with is then improved.

Meditations on any problem are a pain in the ass. They often take me several tries, even days if not a week, to get all the way through the process. The diplomatic explanation is that it is a difficult process requiring much internal adjustment, and this has "its own time". The plain explanation is that I'm a wimp and tend to use distraction/denial as a shield, so it just takes me forever. I have what my buddy Eric calls the OLAP syndrome: "Adjusting this, doing that, then re-- OH LOOK, A PONY!" Some kind of psycho-spiritual ADD.

I wasn't looking forward to doing this with my new IG, since I don't know her yet and am slightly nervous as to how it's going to go. But this is the way it worked out, so I will have to assume there is some reason for that and go with it.

29APR08 5:30pm cdt

When I opened up my interior world, I just really didn't feel like going down to the sub-world where my archmeds are done. I figured this was the first sign of denial. So I started to go, but then I really didn't feel like getting there in the normal way. I don't mean I was feeling creative. I mean I felt resistant to the point of, I would have gotten stubborn and angry if anything had tried to 'make' me.

My interior space is at the top of a super high plateau (much like the pic on my Red Cairo blog in a way which is why I chose it) and I have a process for getting to my archetype subworld: I walk down this dirt path to a metal cage elevator at the top-side of the back of the plateau. I ride it down to ground level. I open it and walk across a small field of corn which is just a bit taller than I am (I can't see over it). At the edge of the field there is a brief clearing surrounding the opening of a cave.

I step into the cave (which is mostly-dark) and just a few steps in a small creek/river comes up and parallels the pathway. About 15 steps in there is a tiny stone footbridge that goes over the creek to the left, and just a few steps straight off that is another cave opening, this into an outer world. But not the same world that I came from somehow. I go to the outer world, take a right and walk along the wall of hill (that is the cave I walked through), and then take a left and walk straight across a small field to a space under a huge spread-out tree. There are some benches there, and that's where I meet IG.

So the overall process is that I go 'deep down' and then I go inward, left, right, left. Many IG meds are done fully within a cave, but I only go through it briefly, and I always begin in my interior space (up on the plateau). There are other areas both in the outer world (the plateau world) and in the inner world (the cave world).

But I just so did NOT feel like going down there in the ordinary way. So this was a little different for sure, but I imagined having wings like Daedelus, and I flew down there, swooping around a bit, and then finally coming up beside the cave entrance and slowing down till I was walking. That was kind of cool.

The creek in the cave was bigger than normal. God only knows why. It's been the same for like 15+ years now but today it's different.

I went to see IG and we just stood there. I still don't see her well. I felt frustrated again, that she is not my last IG and I don't know her and I didn't feel like doing this with her. I stalked and paced around the small area under the tree for awhile. I got distracted by life several times and had to come back to it. Finally I got my act together and told her what I wanted.

She began creating something. No IG has done that before. I ask for an archetype, they manifest someone/thing, and I turn around and work with it. I've never had an IG create anything other than an archetype behind me.

She created this giant sphere that went from the ground to far above us, in a circle as big as the cave wall across the small field would allow. Until we were enclosed. And then she said, "This is your biggest problem."

But when I turned around, instead of an archetype behind me, there was stuff all over the place, around us. People? Creatures? Machines? I couldn't tell -- just STUFF that was rolling and flying and bouncing off the walls and ceiling. I had the impression of something like a carnival, of lots of garish colors and offbeat people or things and machines in motion and cluttered jumbled "chaos".

I stood there trying to see it better, as the motion was clear in little pieces of time, but the details of everything was far too fuzzy, and I finally decided I was going to have to take a break and do some stuff in life, think about it a bit, and come back to deal with it later.

I've never had an archetype that wasn't just a single something. I've a single thing in obvious pieces but that's not the same. I felt like it was a whole small world of stuff. No idea what to do with it. So... more later.

30APR08 7:00pm cdt

When I returned to the interior today, a ton more outer guides were on the plateau than usual. I eyed them suspiciously. "Does this relate to the new IG, or to the med I'm doing right now?" I asked.

"Everything relates to you," one said helpfully.

(Outer guides, like Star Trek's infamous Deanna Troi, reveal 'secrets' that'd be blindingly obvious to an idiot. Why ask?)

I stood at the back edge of my super high plateau and looked down at the tiny valley with corn field and cave below. I imagined my wings and dived off, and flew around until I was at the mouth of the cave, and I went in, and then out the other side into the arch world, and over to see IG. When I nodded to her she shifted me inside the huge dome-structure of the archetype she'd created and I was back where I was when I left.

And just as confused. I closed my eyes (even inside my head) and tried to just 'feel' everything around me. The garish colors and flashing lights and constant chaotic jumbled motion seemed just as apparent somehow. I saw flashes of faces that I've been seeing in my head since I left the archmed yesterday: sorta like human faces, but exaggerated in some cartoonish or stylized way that is just "proportionally off". I'd already realized (finally) that some of the sudden visual *ping* of a face was related to the "in progress" medition, but... so what. They just looked like bizarre characters.

I stood there awhile and finally decided that in order to really get a handle on even a single thing, I needed to get a better lock on it. Since I couldn't see anything clearly when I looked at it directly, I locked onto one thing/entity in motion and imagined pouring energy into it, trying to get it to become more clear to me. It seemed to get larger, fuller, denser and heavier, and a man with super red hair and beard but a disproportionately long face in the middle, who seemed to be riding some kind of motorized thing around the side of the dome walls, seemed a bit more apparent. Unfortunately, this didn't give me an idea what to do with him, because I had to deal with ALL of it, and he and his whatever thing he was riding were just one tiny part of a much bigger confusing mess of motion.

I finally turned to IG and said, "Ok, you got me. I give up. What the heck am I supposed to *do* with all this??"

She didn't speak but into my head came the "understanding" that I needed to allow "lower levels of brain operation to help me" get a handle on all these disparate elements. Rather like Abramelin on Invisibility, when that identity talked to me about the multiple "levels" of thought. She was 'implying' that I was supposed to realize I couldn't possibly multi-track all this at once, and allow parts of my mind better at handling complex stuff to take care of it.

I anchored myself in the very center of the dome-arch, and I imagined energy coming into my chakras, and going out of them, and connecting with everything in there, and I breathed in and out calmly in an attempt to connect. I imagined that I was clear and energy could flow through me to and from them.

I relaxed, and told my mind, "Find the pattern in the motion." Like those magic-eye pictures, I had the idea suddenly that the motion was as much a hidden pattern my mind could find, as those visual pictures are. But you can't do it consciously, you have to let lower levels of your mind take care of that. (Probably the idea was sparked by the Abramelin association a few moments earlier, since I thought of those pics during that experience too.)

So I asked what felt like deeper parts of myself (the savant to my idiot :-)) to calculate all of that, to find the pattern in all of it, and to arrange the proper connection between me and all the energy-forms in the dome. I sat quietly and held that intent, feeling it gradually happen, feeling more and more of the bulk forms and motions "link in". Eventually, I could feel it -- not super clear still, but enough to take it seriously -- I had everything connected "through" me. The motion had slowed to slow-motion in most cases, not like stopped, more like suspended in time.

I wasn't sure what to do with everything now that I had it, but I figured I should attempt the normal archetype process with it, even if so far, nothing about this process had been normal at all. I wanted to run the water of life, light of life, etc. over and through everything/everyone, but I couldn't seem to make it work. They were all over the place and indistinct.

So I stood there for a bit more trying to figure out what the solution was to this. Then it came to me. I pulled every thing to me in turn, rapidly, absorbing everything. It gave me the impression of shining two films on the same screen, then three, then four--then dozens and dozens. When it was done, I felt like I had many dozens of disparate things inside and the end-result picture was just a big blot inside me, with nothing clear.

So I pulled the water of life and light of life through me one by one, imagining that anything IN me, I have authority for, and I imagined cleaning and purifying every "layer" in me (energy forms from the dome I'd absorbed), until everything was equally respected as its own "thing", pure and clean, and yet also "harmoniously together in me". This took a little while but was eventually done.

I was surprised, though, that the deliberate merge with all those things hadn't supplied any physical "rush" like a good arch-merge does. Now granted this is a problem, often you can't merge or you feel nothing if you haven't had a good integrative experience in the med, but I'd done all that cleansing and everything and still not felt anything.

I felt that I was supposed to release all the energy-forms, to be themselves. I was expecting they would go back to their normal ways.

But my garish, cluttered chaotic carnival aesthetic, had shifted. Now it was more like some kind of flying faery ballet. There were still colors, but they were iridescent rather than garish. There was still motion all over, but it all seemed graceful, like a planned dance. There were still people, but they seemed like beautiful be-ribboned sorts rather than bizarre carnies.

So apparently the work inside me had worked.

Then I felt was the time I should be merging--now, as equals, with respect, not to control them but to share with them myself, as much as anything. So I imagined inviting all of them back in, and genuinely opening myself to them. And everything joined me inside, and it was interesting, yet I still felt no sense of the real merge. As the last objects and things in motion at the farthest points finally shifted into me, everything was gone--the dome was empty--and so I imagined that I just collapsed the whole dome into energy and absorbed that too.

And THEN I felt the merge, and my whole body got the deep-buzz-shivers-rush that a decent merge will give you. Not a great one mind you--but enough to recognize that whatever I did, had at least some effect.

I turned to IG. "I feel like I didn't do it good enough, or do enough, or there is something else I'm supposed to do," I complained, "But I don't know what."

"You did fine," she said kindly, and kissed my forehead. Whoa. No IG has ever done that kind of thing unless I knew them reaaallllly well. I wonder if that's a difference in the gender (maybe some mother association?) or if, as an identity, she is simply different than the IGs I've had before and I should just accept that.

I will be back for more. I left, before my ridiculous emotional sense of hoping to please her started to embarrass me, and I flew back up to my plateau -- I actually *felt* the sense of soaring and "increased elevation" which was kind of cool.

Later

When I got to the top, all the OGs (outer guides) were still there. I imagined pulling them in like I had the others, and giving them energy, and then I put them back. Nobody moved. "Did that change anything or help at all?" I asked.

"Not really," one admitted. "A few of us of different nature, slightly." I sighed. Outer guides and inner guides somehow have different dynamics I still don't understand well. (One of the funniest experiences was when I dragged an outer guide into one of my inner guide meditations. He acted like it blew his mind.)

So I just imagined sending energy to all of them, and then formally requested they all help me however they thought was best... as long as it wasn't anything that harmed my health, body, car, finances, family, house, or... well ok then darn it, just help me in a way that I consider positive or at least not seriously negative!

I was going to wrap it up but I felt like I should do something else. I wasn't sure what, but I remembered that up ahead on the plateau was a spot I'd once gone down through and eventually gotten to the bottom of my brain stem, which is where my psychology thinks a "control center" is located. Actually there are a few of these, but this one, when I visited it in 1996, was like a small room filled with TV-style monitors, and a man working the room, and a machine that at the time, took a VCR tape, and then sent the message out to the whole body-life-reality. Back then, it shot gold light through every screen and I literally FELT gold-light-energy rushing through my entire nervous system (and a seeming miracle of synchronicity happened 15 seconds later). Anyway, I thought maybe I would go back there.

But I decided to skip the long intuitive process of stairs, elevators, slides, hiking, etc. that had formed the bizarre downward path last time, and I just imagined closing my eyes and sliding. It was like being on a large water slide, but not as much fun... I turned various ways and the slide turned all over and back again and sometimes up again for a bit, and eventually dumped me out in a hallway in front of the door. I went in, and the same guy was there. Normal looking guy.

I asked him if he could help me best construct my "new programming" that I wanted him to implement. He nodded yes. I started explaining that I wanted to do more viewing, but wait no, I want to be better at it, but no wait, what I really want is to be more aware, but wait no, what I really want is to be more aware BUT in deliberate and interesting and helpful ways (I've learned the hard way not to just ask for evolution or awareness--there's all kinds of crap I really do NOT want to be 'aware' of again), but wait no, what I really want is just to be more MOTIVATED to be CONSTRUCTIVE toward awareness because I know I'm good at all this if I just bother doing it, and --

-- he stopped me, and I didn't have to look at him to know if he were in this world his eyes would have been rolling about me. "One clear instruction," he said. "And it needs to be something you will allow." That gave me pause. How do I know?

So I finally said, "I want to be more positively motivated toward increasing my awareness." He nodded. "Do you need me to merge or something?" I asked. "Do you want sex?" He actually laughed. (Jesus -- I am so hormonal lately!) "No." he said, seeming bemused. "But you can join me for the process if you want." And he stepped into me from behind me, as if our bodies were simply sharing the same space, and he put our hands out, and energy from them created a small disk, like a CD but about half that size and thicker. Then he/we dropped it in this machine that sent the instructions out everywhere, and pressed the button.

Nothing happened.

"It's dark and silent," I said, confused. "What happened to the gold light and stuff, like all those years ago?"

"You are restricting this," he said. And he/we looked inside me, and saw that particularly in the energetic area around my waist, a little below/above that, I had tons of natural energy pathways, but they were all locked miserably together. Imagine something like... a thin garden hose, winding all over, and then imagine you've taken thin clear fishing line, and you have basically sewed it all together--not pierced anywhere, just wrapped so tightly all over that it is all held together and nothing can move at all.

I imagined light, then I asked for the Violet Flame (an old exercise from eons past) and imagined a whole lightning bolt of it flashing through my body and specifically dissolving that entrapping thread-stuff. It dissolved off part of it. I did this several times, and he was helping by shaking and separating the energy coils as soon as I got the entrapping stuff off, until finally I was pretty much clear inside at least as far as this was concerned.

"Let's do this again," he suggested. I closed my eyes, and imagined 'sharing' myself with him and 'allowing' the new instructions.

I saw them go out... but it was kind of dim. And I didn't really get any rush from it at all, and that's a hard-core rush when it happens (even compared to archs), so I don't know that I accomplished much. I thanked him anyway, figuring I'll need to go back there again at some point and try again, and I returned to the top of the plateau.

And then...

Just as I was about to wrap it up, I thought of the Four. I didn't have time to visit them. Nero appeared about two feet in front of me, slightly to the right. If I'd put my right arm nearly straight out I'd have hit him. I was surprised. "This is my outer guide area," I said. "You can show up here?" "I am a guide," he said, as if stating the obvious. "Of course I can."

I thought about that for a moment--true, he is part of the ... 16 or 32 or whatever it is that is the next outer-circle to The Four--but the first time I met him, it was as a guide, that is true. I still haven't done the exercises he set for me (visualizations, kind of similar to occult-magick exercises) and have avoided him because although I know he is supposed to teach me, and he acts like I'm waaaay overdue for stuff (as if I'm irresponsible kinda), I feel sort of embarrassed about my laziness.

I closed up the world (I imagine rolling it up into a microdot and storing it in my heart chakra), and sat back against my pillows, and opened my eyes and looked at my cat.

And Nero reappeared a couple feet in front of me again. Not really visually, although I had a sense of his visual. Not... aesthetically. Not sensory-ally. I don't know how to describe it. It isn't even what I would normally call an 'awareness' because that usually has a nearly-physical inner-sense attached. It was like just a pure mental awareness, perhaps. I said, "Good lord! You mean you can just like... just appear even HERE? Outside my inner/outer guide area?!"

"Yes," he said. I didn't know what to say. Part of me was thinking, "That is so cool! Maybe I could use this like, during viewing or something, as a new sort of interactive thing. He can monitor me, haha!" Another part of me was thinking, "Oh, GREAT. Now if I wanna scratch my butt I'm going to feel like some spiritual entity is watching me!" He grinned. "Not my focus," he assured me. "Well," I said, feeling sort of weird now, "Then I want to be able to say, like 'Curtain!' and have you vanish, so I don't feel like you're watching in... you know... private times." He sort of almost bowed japanese style, and I had this sense of a curtain pulling around him as he turned and he was gone.

I don't know how I can talk about him vanishing when he was never visual to begin with. I feel like such an idiot describing some of this stuff.

I didn't have to really hold any energy for him in terms of "enabling autonomy" like with archs. He seems to have his OWN autonomy. He is not an archetype; he's a guide and somehow connected, on a less close level, to the Four. I honestly don't understand what any of this stuff means or how it works. There were many others the Four introduced me to, but he's the only one I've felt close to and that has made a point to seek me out several times.

Anyway. I'm not sure what to think about that. I have known people who talked about guides like they were present around them all the time. I've not really understood all that... sort of intellectually... not really in practice. I mean, I could not hear a word any guide said for eons when I started this work--I could see their mouths move and 'feel' them trying to communicate, drove us all crazy--some kind of block I guess. At least sometimes I can interact now. But I've never had one feel so... present in the 'normal' world, not the internal/archetypal area before.

I'm not sure what all I accomplished this evening, but I feel like I accomplished *something*. Hopefully the next couple weeks, if I can stay with this fairly consistently, will amp up this process quite a bit and make them more effective.

PJ