Dream Collage

I am SO relieved, this is the last of them! This is all the stuff I found in handwritten journal fragments and a few emails. I have more in a 'book two' for bewilderness but I cannot find that file anywhere.

This post is just a collection of thoughts and dreams, nothing important just some shamanic and spiritual and psi and odd stuff, same 'ol. I don't want to lose these pieces esp as some are slightly 'dark side' (which I tend to under-record) and I'm clearing out the physical books, so I'm putting it here for my 'search' posterity. Thankfully future blogging should only be current stuff now.

I have not done any meditating in the few days since I've been collecting this stuff. I see now that a huge edu was needed for me as I'd forgotten a ton of important stuff esp. about the Four, and chakras, and outer guides, and so on, so I feel it was worth the effort.


Journal fragment, June 25, 2008

I was in a dream having a conversation with someone who was a teacher. I asked him, Do you think I should I be learning to deal with negative spiritual stuff? And he said something I don't remember (which implied "No") and then explained at the end of that:

For you should be able to say with a clear heart: "I know nothing of evil; I know only the goodness of the Lord."

Later, I found I was wearing a very beautifully intriguing "black heart" pendant necklace, and I understood that this belonged in nature to a woman who was evil, and that would not be me, and so I gave it back to her, feeling it was not appropriate that I should wear it. Then me and "my people" stood singing Ave Maria for quite awhile.

Despite that went on awhile, and I think other dreams and quite some time passed before I woke up, still when I woke I had his voice and that sentence running through my head so clearly, as if it was set to be the first thing I heard on awakening, to be sure I wouldn't forget it.


Journal fragment, July 22 or 23, 2008

Archmed on fear of failure [specific to conscious psi functioning performance]. The arch was a sickly green and a sickly yellow, humanoid, with a fish head and some things sticking out of him. Long shape through gut, chest, and head was a harpoon! I dissolved it. Cleaned him with water of life. Another tall rectangle stuck out the top of his head. As I dissolved this, the back of my right hand suddenly hurt, I could tell they were related.

I thought, "I sense his fish head means issues from the womb." He said to me, "Also, those passed genetically by parents." (I wondered if this a common symbol or only mine.) He was then in a tuxedo, and we danced in an outdoor ballroom under the stars. I told him I thought fear of failure could sometimes be useful, that I was not trying to destroy him, but it had been so strong that in some areas it interfered with my trying something at all, which defeated the point of my being alive. I asked him to help push me to succeed, instead. I kissed his fishy forehead and took him back to IG. I forgot to ask him for something on/in me but I think it's ok. {Note: this was not a good med; I should have attempted better and complete healing.}


Journal fragment, Feb 8, 2006

Archmed on fear/rage. Big bulky muscled guy. Every time I tried to look directly at it, I had a sharp pain literally in my heart!, and felt massive fear in my gut. Enough work and finally he surprised me by unzipping the bulk and stepping out of himself like most of the outer body had been clothes. Weird. Felt like it worked ok though.


Thoughts. 15Jan06. Technology of prayer

I got into a meditation of prayer. At one point, I nearly shifted into a state I sometimes experienced when doing hands-on energy work. It feels as if "a light opens up in me" from "just in front of me" yet it is also somehow "through" me, heart to crown. It feels as if light comes down via my crown chakra, and "I" am moved slightly backward in my body, just behind center. (It's possible the heart chakra is in the front of the body, like the 3rd eye, not the center, and this is what I'm feeling.) I began praying to be made a better person so I could better serve othres and the greater good. This became a distinct state of mind, one I have not felt before. This led to a thought:

Might there be a technology of sorts for prayer? Some "method" -- or at least, a certain intent -- whereby prayer, like my experience, shifts from being an idea or process, into that "holy communion"? I nearly shifted into it twice, not successfully. Maybe my thinking "about" it instead of just "being" it got in the way. (The primary lesson of my spiritual life involved getting my left brain the hell outta the way and pushing for 'doing' not 'thinking' which sidetracks me into intellectualism.)

So I asked to be taught "how to pray". To really do it right, do it best, not just a mental thing but a full-on powerful energy thing.

I have that new inner guide now. He is kinda pale up close. Has tiny spots on his side I see now, like Dax the 'trill' on DS9. Weird!


Journal fragment, January 20, 2006

In a dream, I was having a discussion with two women and a man. They were identical like triplets. After a few moments, I became suspicious about this. I could feel it just wasn't... right. They were unnaturally too similar in the feel of their energy, especially for having different genders.

"Are you *sure* you're not a trifurcated biological clone?" I demanded, which I know in my head is an intentionally created-being that is actually neither gender.

"Yes," they admit sheepishly.

"I haven't met many of those," I say carefully, trying not to show judgement.

"Oh, there are tons of us. Tons and tons!" they tell me with enthusiasm.

I do often have 'three' in dreams, but it is usually either three things in series or three levels...


Journal fragment, September 3, 2005

I've been thinking. The only thing we truly own is our 'sense of the continuity of identity'. My body changes at every level constantly. The body I claimed last week is not the me of today. By the time I have even a thought about this, the body which began the thinking is no longer quite the same. The only thing remaining from the me of 20 years ago is the potential illusion of my "sense of continuous identity." When I am someone else in a dream I am me. When I am someone else in an RV target I am me. When I was a different person in a different place at a different time 25 years ago, I am me. When I tune into the me in a dream I may have years of history in that reality. It is all me. If the only thing I perceive is, obviously, "my own perception," then how is anything else I perceive independent of me? Doesn't my perception alone force all things into the subjective channel of me?

[a short time after that, the crucixion happened, so maybe that answered that.]


Journal fragment, [date unk]

I am "of" so many things and places and peoples and times, the only thing familiar to me when I get in the flow is the Sun. I feel as if the sun is the one thing that has been a constant in all my lives, in all my worlds, in all my realities, in all my times. I think I understand the 'Ra' concept, and I like the name, because of that. I call it Ra and tell him how much I adore him.


Journal fragment, [date unk]

Quote from Seth: "...The body is composed of living, responding atoms and molecules, and they compose the cells, and these combine to form the organs. The organs possess the combined consciousnesses of each of the cells within them, and in their way the organs sense their own identity." [...] "While you are in this reality there is no division between the mental, the spiritual and the physical. If you think there is, then you do not sufficiently understand the spirituality of the flesh or the physical reality of your thought."


Journal fragment, November 10, 2004

I went to my OG plateau, in prep for another CC med, and the main guide told me I should ask to work with the most substantial block I had.

I said, physical or energy? He said, the physical IS energy.


Journal fragment, [date unk, 2006?]

Today in an archetype meditation on "issues with authority which are manifesting as overwhelming debt", a variety of things went on during the med. The archetype was predictably horrifying. The ones you have a problem with always are. This one was dark and disgusting and sorta slimy and had way too many things going on for a normal body. I cleaned and dried and so on, visualizing various dynamics as needed for healing. When it was done there was still one issue, this weird motion, and I reached in and a snake slithered out of it and I grabbed it and pulled it out and visualized the light-of-love all over it. Normally things morph into something better, but this just disappeared like dissolved.

I said, "What does this mean, I don't get it?"

And the arch said, "Your mild incest as a child with authority figures has set up a belief system geometry that makes them the 'overwhelming unfightable authority' and you the 'vulnerable helpless' one. You live what you know and you've held that pattern."

I said, "Holy shit! You're telling me that incest causes financial problems?" This struck me as sort of absurd.

It said, "No, I'm telling you that *for you*, that experience caused a build of certain energy structures that in your current life are manifesting in this way."

He then 'showed' me in a sort of 'understanding-sequence' that for other people, this might manifest as a bad boss, an invasive mother in law, cops with a tendency to harrass, the list was infinite.

I felt a focus in the bottom front of my right foot, the ball and a little bit forward, and I said, "That is a main body area that relates to this authority problem?" and he agreed.

{I JUST was looking for an answer to this, so it's awesome I found record of that med.}


Journal fragment, July 1, 2006

In a dream, I met a man I saw so clearly it was mind boggling. He had very dark hair, and he was a really big guy. {Later when awake I thought his name might have been "Ben," but I didn't remember that from the dream so it might be wrong.} He had been a remote viewer in some secret military effort, I understood. I perceived him as if he had some kind of family relationship to me. I kept going back around him, and he acted like he couldn't decide if he was happy to meet me or felt weird about it all.

At one point he picked up a couple offbeat things in his hand I can't recall, but I think one was fire and one was wind... but they were objects. He began to go off to use them, and I realized they had connection for use as a prop during psi, in a sort of negative RI kind of way. He saw that I saw, and he looked at me sadly, like that wasn't really who he wanted to be inside, and yet was.

I just couldn't believe how clearly I saw the guy, never seen this person in life that I know of, I suppose it must be 'an aspect' of me or something. I slept at his house, and he woke me up early to exercise. I protested greatly that I see no relation to RV in this. He was really a dominating trainer-bully about it.


Journal fragment, September 2002

I was lucid in this dream but it was a shamanic trap! Sheesh. Either that or even my dreams are getting really paranoid.

In the dream--well actually I was doing something else and the dream was interrupted/changed when a man from Mexico came to find me, asking to travel/stick close to me. Said he'd known and loved my mother very well {she died of cancer when I was 9}, implying that should make me treat him like family. He said he needed shelter because both our governments had unfairly abused him (he showed me pictures of him beat up and bruised), and implied they were responsible for her death.

He assured me that my father also knew him as mom's close friend, but I promptly wondered, "Does dad really know him??" and my father 'pops into' the dream and says to us, "No way, I have no idea who that guy is!" and vanishes. So this other man pops into existence on his side, and validates the guy, and assures me dad just doesn't remember.

The man gives me a box to keep for him, to keep near us, with a subtle implication things in it had been mom's. For some reason we have to part.

I go straight to my close friend X, a soldier and psychic and father figure {in real life}, and I tell him about this. He is instantly distrustful. He takes the box, 'feels' it and then opens it. It's filled with what seemed to be gifts or a woman's things, like crochet needles and such, innocent and pretty. But X says with a growl, "These are weapons." He takes most of the pointy/knife-like things and hides them in his clothing.

He comes with me to find the man, he wants to hunt him down himself, before the guy comes back for me. But we're interrupted by this gorgeous young woman, who sucks up to X and tells me to please go wait 'over there' in a waiting room while they talk privately. X loses all facial expression and looks totally neutral, so I can tell he doesn't trust her at all, but he hesitantly indicates I should go ahead and wait where it's safe and they will talk.

I went into the waiting room and found myself instantly trapped in a weird prison. Another woman stood helpless in there and clearly unhappy about it.

"That's implant #25", the woman said in disgust, about the pretty woman who'd gotten X's attention.

"Impl-- you mean this is a dream, and this woman is like a thought form implanted into the dream by an outside someone or agency?" I said in astonishment.

"Yes," she agreed sullenly. I searched for an escape. "Don't bother," she groused. "There isn't one. It's not like they wouldn't have thought to make it impossible." But I knew how details of my mind often escaped the dream implanters, as I knew I had encountered them before, so I went looking anyway, determined.

I finally found my way out, and I went straight to my friend; the woman had gone. He said quietly to me, "None of this is real. This is all invented solely to get you to allow that man to get and stay close to you."

Then I felt very confused, like my mind was suddenly grey static for a second, followed by it suddenly clearing but now I 'remembered' a brand new sliver about my past I'd never had before. I heard myself blurting out some confession about it to my friend, a thing that might normally be expected to make someone distracted from whatever they're thinking about by that kind of news (something about 'whoring 20 men a day once as a child' or something like that, with an overlay of mind control). But my friend didn't even blink, he instead focused on showing me that the man had provably been lying. As he was showing me this, the man showed up with minions, and they laughed wickedly, intending to kill him, as X yelled at me, "Get down!"

I dropped and rolled, hiding behind a piece of furniture, as sounds of some scuffle ensued. It was mostly quiet and still then, and I dared to peek out. Bodies lay around the floor, with obviously thrown stabbing implements in them, the ones X had hidden in his clothes from that box. He said, "I killed him first, as I trusted him least," pointing at the foreign guy.

Then he took me "somewhere safe" and sat down quietly with me and asked me about the thing I'd said about childhood. I began to tell him, but as I was doing so, somehow it all "shifted away from me" like it no longer existed. I said, "I think I may have accidentally invented that. I don't know. To be honest, I have so many histories of me, that I sometimes have no idea who I am." (I had an overlay of multiple realities and being able to tune into any of them as one's "past".) He nodded as if he understood. He was sitting up against something, and I leaned over and put my head against his chest, finally feeling safe, and fell asleep. A short time later, my alarm woke me up.


Journal fragment, 2004 I think

Perhaps this world is illusion, like the magic spells in our archetypal stories which cause the hero to be lost in the wilderness. When we look and see, we believe what we see. If we look only at where our feet touch our path, and have faith in that, the path may unveil itself to us one step at a time. Look ahead though, and you're lost. Like driving through heavy fog in the dark, we must steer by the tiny strip of white line on the pavement at the side; trying to look into the opaque abyss is suicide.

Maybe my daily life and insecurities are like the confused journey of someone wandering the forest and believing every path they see. Maybe they are valid, but then again: how often do I ask myself with my heart, from the depth of myself that is more than the surface I call me, "what is real?"

What we experience... maybe it depends not so much on where we are, or when we are, or who we are, as what we are. And what we are changes every moment. Not just in body but on more levels than we can count. We are always in a state of 'becoming'. I sense: The human is terrified by the unknown. The mind and ego are forced to work within time, and hold a consistent sense of identity, but every moment is actually the 'new'. Might this be why humans cling so fiendishly to tradition, ritual, and fear of change?

The Narrator is a part of me. I would be less 'me' without him. Yet he also has another existence without me, as I do him. We... 'overlap' and merge where we do. To the extent I focus my attention so he 'comes through' me ("intuitive writing" is his voice, so to speak), I benefit from his... insight. And he benefits from my... energy... or something. It is a tradeoff. As I once wrote--thanks to him--we "pay" attention. It is our rent on reality.

Maybe we are symbiotes, like Judzia Dax, the Trill on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. An old soul in a young body. Maybe the degree of our power from that merge depends on our ability to recognize the parts of ourself which are not the surface genetics we consider our personality.


Journal fragment, date unknown

There is a stronger destiny, I feel, than the mundane world we see. The mundane world that has no interest in psi or spirit. It is the illusion of the forest, enchanting us away from what we 'feel' when who we are touches the path we walk. I know of few people who don't have the sense of 'impending.' Who don't feel that within a dozen years -- if that -- something fairly significant is going to occur. War... probably. First contact... probably. Probability shift?... probably. Someone knows. Probably many someones. And we all know, at some level of consciousness.

I thought to myself, Maybe it is a form of messianic/paranoic insanity to think such things.

Then someone inside me responded, That is the power of the surface-world to dampen your fire and convince you not just of a different path, but that there is no path at all. That because LOGIC in the cold world of illusion doesn't support the idea, you must be insane to think such a thing exists.


Journal fragment, date unknown

Last night Ry said in the kitchen, following a brief joke about tornados, "I'm not going to die. I'm here for a reason, and I haven't done what I'm here for yet." She was perfectly casual about this and continued on what she was doing. Maybe at 8 she is young enough to know. Are we too jaded to hear that from ourselves? Do we have a purpose?

That reminds me that when she was maybe 6?, she was telling me something about her earlier childhood, and she added something casually with a shrug, like, "But I didn't come here until I was about four." I said, what do you mean? She said, "I was only dreaming this life until then. It was just a dream. But then I went into the dream and it became real and I was living here, instead. But I wasn't really here until then."


Journal fragment, date unknown

I met a man (Nestor) who was one of the gifted. He put his hands inside my skin. He gave me energy that saved me and changed my life. He did this for anybody who requested it. He was not a saint. He smoked. He liked beer and Kareoke. He had three kids and was technically catholic. The priests, he told me privately, considered him chosen in some way and felt he should be an example. "Live in a cave in a white robe?" I suggested with a grin, and he laughed yes.

When he touched me that way, I knew he felt me. Psychically. I 'understood' during the experience that this was how it ought to be. Health, I mean. But it was more than that. I could feel the ability inside me. It had a huge feel, like something "on the tip of my tongue." Something that deep on my inside, recognized what he was doing on the outside, and almost, but not quite, made the connection. I had the clear sense that if I could merely stand in his presence while he did this work, for perhaps a few days, that I would get it: that I would be able to do this too; that the "latent ability" was inside me.

It was several years before I realized that the reason he does that work constantly, for all who ask, and seeks it out, and never falters in that, is because he must. Because we forget to remember. Every hour away is a time that a lifetime of habit and culture and perhaps more is pulling us the other way. It requires constant physical, mental and spiritual intent just to keep the connection at its present level. Same with conscious psi I guess.

To grow, perhaps we must "run faster than we can" as the red queen told Alice in 'Through the Looking Glass'. We must exceed ourselves. We must, in short, become--allow ourselves to become--more than we are at the moment we make the choice. And then we are a little bit more connected. And of course, we are also, just a little, someone new.


Journal fragment, July 21, 2002

Archmed on all aspects of my job. The arch was a big white bird. It had a ball & chain around one ankle and an anchor around the other. Boy that's obvious. I removed both of these but he was still stuck in this thick heavy gooey mess. I got him out and cleaned him and fluffed him and he just flew away! I never had an archetype go away instead of inner guide making it vanish, I didn't even think I was done.


Journal fragment, May 6, 2007

I had a session this morning that was hilariously assumedly offtarget (it was a lizard). But it was amazingly educational, someone in my head showing me how the same pretty complex data about form, dynamic, sequence, relationship, could come through to me in so many totally different ways. It's my ability to allow it and correctly interpret it that matters. The same data came as people, as 'biologicals', in a daydream, in a full-on 3D movie, as 'geometries', and as something I can't explain that managed to be information without being anyTHING, literally demonstrating that we don't have to perceive something we have no mental model for. We can perceive it objectified as best we can, and perceive the rest in any imaginable way, and still "get it".


Journal fragment, September 26, 2006

Me and another were on a quest to learn/find/become something. A man who was also some other kind of spiritual creature, he came to us and said something like, "OK, if you would learn..." And he slapped down this thing for each of us: small, red, glowing, yucky sorta, that we would need to swallow. The other person hesitated, but I grabbed it and ingested it as fast as I could before I changed my mind. And it changed me into something completely different. But there were 'cycles' of time or motion and with each, I saw more of myself on the surface, until by the end, I was all me again.

After seeing it was safe, the other with me ate theirs, but nothing happened. We both understood... it was too late. The courage was part of it. Because I had succeeded in this, I got to visit "the beautiful one"... some woman.

There was a man who had given up one of his organs (on death) and another man was using it now. The second man was on stage talking to people. The first man (who had given the organ) appeared, and he was a very unusual indigo blue pulsing color to me. He was so fascinated with the man who had received his organ that he wound his way closer to the stage, until suddenly he was right in front of him, so couldn't be missed. I wondered if this would cause the receiving man to remember something of the others' life?

Then I was "sitting in on" the experience of the second man on stage. He did finally notice the other man, but what he saw was nothing like what I saw. He didn't see the pulsing indigo blue color at all. He saw the man except with this symbol like the eyes and mouth seemed "grown over with skin" or something weird and scary like that, and he literally passed out! I worried he'd have some kind of heart attack or relapse just from the bizarre shock of it.


Journal fragment, August 13, 2007

{This was evening of Ry's birthday. Earlier that day I had said a prayer to the spider Deva, asking it please to have all its people get out of my house and garage, because we were going to use bug-bombs (mostly for fleas) that would kill anybody left. Ry slept with me. No big deal and I didn't think about it again.}

I was in a dream with Ry, and while we were in the dream, a spider deva arrived to talk to me.

Ry started to freak out, she's so afraid of spiders, but she couldn't helped be soothed by the Deva's effect: She was BEAUTIFUL. She was on this big web that sparkled like a diamond net in a starry night. It was awe-inspiring. She came closer and closer to us and I was telling Ry, It's ok. She's here because I just sent her a message earlier.

After a minute of commune with her I said to Ry, I see. She wants to know WHERE her people should go for safety. I told her to get them out, but not where they should go!

I woke up and remembered the dream, and I hope I got through to her they should be going out to the backyard. I imagined it from every angle above and around and in the house and physically said and pointed, too. Then I told C not to kill any spiders if she saw them in the meantime (on their way out).


Journal fragment, April 3, 2008

In a dream, I nearly died and was miraculously saved in some highly improbable situation, at which point, a man appeared. He attracted me, and yet frightened me, as if he were
physically powerful yet spiritually cold.

He told me I was the 'something', I can't remember the word, but it was a sort of messianic role.

I didn't take him seriously. I said with humor, "As long as this doesn't mean I'll have to die nailed to something, or be killed in some big focus drama, that's fine with me!" and laughed.

He didn't laugh. He said, "Actually, it does."

I was a little taken aback but I tried to be careless and flippant.

"Man, hate it when that happens!" I said, rolling my eyes and shrugging.

I fell asleep (in the dream) and found myself in a bookstore, browsing. I was looking to find a book that would help me with the issue of the man. "You have to *believe*," some part of me said. "Like when you're trying to manifest parking spaces. You have to believe that it's not only possible but *probable*." {Sounds like Nero, who often helps in dreams.}

I found an odd looking book and pulled it out. It was missing most the pages but some in back. The front of the book had embedded in its cover this oversized front of a cat's boney skull, like maybe some kind of wildcat (large). I blew on it to blow the dust off, and a star-shade began to detach. {That is how I perceive spirits-of-dead in remote viewing, as a cross between 'star' and 'shade'.} I realized a portion of the spirit of the cat had remained with the book, and maybe that was the point of it of course, but I also understood that it deserved to be free, so I kept blowing until it was fully released.

Later (now awake in the dream), I was flying home in a flying machine that was failing. A female teacher I used to have was worried for me, and asked that man to save me, even though she, in her ignorance, didn't know this man was actually my greatest threat and a scary dude. But he did save me from that, though I wasn't sure I wouldn't have been ok anyway.

But then he saw the book I had and froze. Demanded to know how on earth I had come by it. I discovered there were only four of these in our whole world and understood he'd been trying to come by it for eons. I also understood there was info in it that would help me, and that related to him, and to whatever I innately 'was'.

Then my stupid alarm went off.


Journal fragment, various dates

I found pieces of several dreams where a child who had tiny, or missing, or deformed, legs (always legs, sometimes body too), a child that was "mostly head", was being recognized, and we were calling it by some name I understood implied "a living god born on earth" to the East Indians.


Journal fragment, June 11, 2008

I wondered, why must be we have bad experience? Why can't we just learn from good experiences? Apparently this dream was a response to that. Sheesh I was almost sorry I asked!

Entities/aliens arrived at a planet and told the people they could make their lives so much better. They could make it so everyone was happy. And as a bonus, people could regularly (like a vacation) do anything they wanted, like be a rock star, or care for horses, or whatever they would find fulfilling.

Because the people were idiots, the promise of happiness caused them to vote it in. And nearly all of them were promptly removed to what amounted to a gulag. A tiny few were left to care for the tiny part of the planet that the people could still have; all the rest of the planet now belonged to the aliens.

They had a technology that worked remotely, based on frequencies. It It scanned the body and could find negative emotion, which was often paired with memory. And it zapped it. You couldn't have it for more than a few seconds before it would remove it and any memory it paired with as well.

Once every X period each person in the gulag got to go to the planet and be whatever they wanted to be. Like care for horses for example. The stables were filled with rotting corpses of horses not cared for, because nobody on the planet or visiting could deal with the 'negative' stuff that needed to be done. But once someone saw this horror, the memory was removed from them. So when they went 'home', they believed and told everyone of the ecstacy and beauty they experienced, because they could only remember the good parts.

On one occasion I watched this young boy fall into the river. A vacationer jumped in to get him out, but the pollution of the river and the stress of the little boy drowning was a negative, so the scanner got her and she forgot what she was doing right in the middle of it and he drowned. The father, who lived locally, was very upset about the death of his boy, but then it zapped his emotion and memory, and someone was pointing out that he had yet another son, so after a few minutes he felt happy enough.

It showed a woman who wanted to be a famous singer, and the camera and screen that was showing her performance was all trashed, beat up and half fake, but the scanner was taking all her negative response right as it happened, and so all she would remember when she went home, were the pieces her mind would sketch or piece together and make new sense of, of the good stuff.

The lesson was that not wanting to feel something negative was the most horrible nightmare imaginable. A people who had made that trade had no idea what they were getting themselves into. They were happy cows after that obviously, but it annihilated what they inherently were and all their potential, and they traded all freedom (and their planet) for this ridiculous, accurate but deadly, promise of "happiness."


Journal fragment, June 17, 2008

In a dream I was traveling and had about a week of layover. I was at a bar in the evening like at a hotel, talking to this man to the left of me. He was telling me that he was on his way to someplace I can't recall, to visit this man who was some kind of master, shaman or guru, for "soul retrieval". This guy, he was telling me, was the real deal, and it was all really amazing. I realized that this was not a coincidence that I'd met him. That I had to come up with a way to get to this man with him, even if it took my last dollar, because nothing was more truly important to my life. I had just made the decision when I woke up.

Letter fragment, date unknown, spring 2006 I think

Spontaneous psi isn't all that common but I usually dismiss it.

One day I was sitting at this contract job making an org flow chart, and as I moved a photo layer over in Illustrator I 'knew' utterly that this was the guy who really liked little blonde girls and paid big money to collect child porn his wife didn't know about. Now that was something I could have done without knowing! I shrugged it off. Couple days later I was walking to the store down the street of my tiny new town, population less than 900. I was thinking about whether I should mow the lawn or wait another weekend, when a beat up old farm truck (that describes nearly every vehicle there) goes rambling past. As I casually look past it--didn't even look at the driver closely--I had an intense "ping" on me of "knowing" that he was a Nazi, and I mean the old fashioned kind, part of a formal local group, and really ruthless. I went in the house and told L about this. I shrugged it off, probably imagination, and went out and mowed. During that just for quirks, L does an internet search and it turns out our tiny little town had a Nazi chapter of its own no less, they'd met weekly at the tiny firehouse half a block away from our house for many many years, until just a few months before we moved in (dunno where they are now). Course that doesn't prove anything about that guy, except to my gut.

Cats must find me. There was the time I called home (from work, an hour away) and insisted to L that I had decided I wanted him to go with me to the shelter right when I got home, and find us a grey tabby female kitten (my fave sort of cat). He says well ok... wait, wait, the dogs are going crazy.... and he goes outside, and the dogs are flipping out over what looked like a drowned rat and turned out to be a grey tabby female kitten (in the rain). I can't believe they didn't eat it--I'd seen them swallow huge gophers whole!! --what are the odds, I ask you? No clue where it came from. L (being a total airhead) actually put the tiny little soaked thing outside the fence where the dogs couldn't get it and tried to leave. It wailed pitifully until he went back and brought it in. He didn't realize until he got it dry that it was a grey tabby girl, about 7-8 weeks old. He named her Rene, for Descartes, as she would stand on his shoulder.

One time in Seattle, L never would shut the door right, and I had the baby in my arms, and sure enough the storm blows freezing mud-rain into the house, wakes up the baby, and nearly gives me a heart attack happening suddenly at 4am or so. I put the baby down, stomp to the door just enraged, and I push the door shut and just as it shuts and I am moving away, fury overtakes me (this thing with the door had happened so many times!), and I whirled around and hissed loudly at the door, flinging my fingre out in a point at it, "I OUGHTTA NAIL THAT F---ING DOOR *SHUT*!!" I felt better, and I picked up the baby and that was that. Except later when L went to open the door to go take a smoke, he realized... he couldn't. The door wouldn't open. I hadn't even touched the knob, nor did I slam it--I pushed it shut on the wood a couple feet higher than the knob and I had shut it normally. It was about 2 seconds after that, when I was a few steps away, that the rage hit me. He flat out could not get the door open AT ALL. It took three days and finally tearing the entire doorknob out (and going out the window to work on the other side from the balcony) in order to get the door open. There was no visible reason why. It was inexplicable.

There was one time I was in Oregon, sleeping on the floor at a friends' house. I was SO exhausted, having driven through the night. It was early morning, and I was on the 2nd story. Someone in the parking lot below was trying to start a car over and over, but it wouldn't start. I was ~50-60% asleep. It kept up, very noisy, then I was about 30-40% asleep. Then I just accepted, as I was half in the dreamy mode so not being very critical, that I 'understood' that the driver was a young man, that he was going to be late for work if it didn't start, that his boss had told him if he was late one more time he'd be fired, and he so sincerely and desperately was doing his best, but his stupid old car wouldn't start. I could FEEL his feelings of desperation and nearly crying in frustration. He would crank the ignition and it would do that nyuh-nyuh-nyuh-nyuh sound for awhile and then he'd let it rest briefly. Finally, I felt compassion for him, and in dream-logic, I just reached up with my right arm and stabbed my finger into the air abruptly and 'started it' at the far point of the finger, like BAM! ---No big deal. I was enough in dream to believe I could, but enough awake to be physically moving and acting on stuff in my reality. It started the instant I intended it to, and I dropped my arm down to the blanket and sighed in relief, but "felt" him feeling this UTTER astonishment--he hadn't even been trying to start it at that point! It just started itself! I grinned at that, at how funny it struck me that he was so freaked out, but I was SO weary, so I turned over and went back to sleep, and that was that.


Journal fragment, June 2008

Gosh I had a bad sleep experience last night. First, I kept slowing down to nearly stopping in my breathing, which is normal, I breathe shallowly. But when I haven't breathed for awhile, and my oxygen level for the heart/brain starts getting critical, my body brings me closer to the surface of waking and goes 'breathe!!' and I take a deep breath. That's normal. Except last night when I tried, I couldn't. It was literally like there was this pressure on my chest or lungs, so that when I finally needed to take a breath desperately, suddenly it was against me doing so. This happened repeatedly, while my body gave me instant dreams to try and help me, insisting that I breathe right NOW and take a DEEP breath. Weirdly, I was lucid enough to understand exactly what was going on, but my body was still mostly asleep.

I finally woke up, went back to sleep, and it happened again! Except the second time I woke up, after a lot of this, I felt like it was *personal.* Like it wasn't some inexplicable body thing, but that some person, individual, was actually attempting to target me at a moment matching that 'sleep apnea during sleep critical oxygen need' moment, and try to stop me getting the O2. I would die in my sleep, it would be ruled a heart attack.

I felt this so strongly, no matter how completely irrational and paranoid that is, that I determined to order a gel sleep apnea mask today online and start wearing the damn machine.

{This happened many more times for about a week. Then it changed and happened but differently for another week, and that continued, diff approach for a week each, for about a month, then it stopped for awhile, then picked up again, then stopped again.}

PJ

The Crucifixion of the Trinity

In Autumn of 2005, in September, the month I turned 40, the other three elements of my soul died.

It was a strange thing, I think now. It had been in mid 1994 that my 'illusion' of soul and self had been ripped from me, in the Nothingness experience that I'd had to 'sacrifice myself' to. I had nearly committed suicide after that, a biological empty shell, a walking corpse without the god-light inside me. After a few months, the divine inside me I called The Blue Eyes of Soul saved me, brought me to understand I could never truly be separate from anything, and I sobbed my way into almost being normal again that night. Although in reality it took literally years before I was truly enough past that to not feel like it was still haunting me.

I would not have thought there was anything else that could affect me on that level, that inexplicable deep inner self the size of a universe, but apparently there was.

*

I don't know if these other two things are related, but they were going on with me before the experience occurred so I feel like I should mention them.

First, I began to dream that I had died in my sleep. (This was not at all impossible, health-wise.) I would realize I was in some landscape of the newly-dead, surrounded by people who mostly didn't realize it yet, but were gradually getting a clue. I would realize I was dead, and would wonder what I needed to do to get back to life while I still could, would follow the intuition, find some form of barrier, would try to get through, and something would step in to help remove me from that world and set me back in the living world and I'd wake up.

Second, I had a growing daily feeling of inner desperation. I was aware of it but kind of numb to it. I felt as if there was some window of spiritual opportunity and expectation, a time-based "probability" window, and the Four were leaning harder on me to get with it, get aware, work with them, but I wasn't doing it. I was exhausted and distracted in my daily life and couldn't seem to hold a focus for anything. I have often had that 'window with time limit' feeling mildly, but this was a whole new level of desperate emphasis on it. I started to feel like I was "blowing it" on some level, almost anger but not quite. I would often dream of the Four. They were getting frantic, I observed on awakening, but then I told myself they were surely just imagination anyway. That was another world. They begged me to "see". But I wouldn't.

Then one night I had a dream and for the first time ever I finally 'saw' the Senior clearly and interacted with him. I could feel some energy had shifted in me. I felt that had great meaning, that finally I had fully connected with him.

And then a few days later I had a long, linear, hyper-intense nightmare.
The kind that reaches through your guts and into your soul.
The kind that you're still traumatized about years later.

*

I had become separated from them (the other 3). I was looking for them. I could "feel" that my mate/twin was in trouble. I had to get to him.

I was in a big metro-style city. It was abandoned, empty shells of skyscrapers, an echoing 'feeling', a coldness. An unnatural quietness as I tried to follow my inner feelings to find him. The entire landscape had a couple feet deep of liquid on the ground, city-wide flooding, something that was not water at least mostly, a "weird" liquid with such a yucky vibe. Now and then as I ran around, searching, I would see rogue groups of people running from one place to another, crazy little groups sticking together and acting like a mob, but otherwise the whole city was deserted.

I finally found him. He was at the front of a radical small mob of city dwellers, and they were killing him, literally crucifying him on a pole set above them, murdering him for some reason I was not clear on except that they found him different than themselves. Frantic and panicked and not knowing how to save him, desperate but helpless, I ran to him and looked into his eyes. He looked at me with such profound love I felt like my heart was going to explode.

I knew this was coming, he told me. I am letting it happen. I am taking this for you . . . I love you. And then some extra rush of violent enthusiasm took the crowd and they finished his murder. I FELT him die inside me, a sudden yawning emptiness where that integral part of me had always lived. I screamed and tried to fling myself upon him but the crowd held me back, oblivious to me for some reason. I was overcome by the horror of it, in stunned disbelief despite the feeling inside and the scene before my eyes, and I suddenly couldn't even breathe in the grief of it.

But then I thought of the Queen. I had to find her. And I ran from his body, feeling her nearby, and I saw a mob of people. The word "rabble" came to my mind, and I knew this had to be where she was. I ran into the crowd and fought my way through it, only to finally see her tied to something up high on display, bloody and broken as the mob shouted in their ignorant insanity and determination to kill her. It felt as if this was intentional on some level, it was in fact her very holiness, her light, that set her apart. And as I finally got near to her body, she felt me trying to get to her, and she lifted her head and looked into my eyes, and I knew she loved me so profoundly, but her eyes told me: this is the way it has to be. Then she slumped in place and I felt her leave me inside, a sudden emptiness where I had never suspected such a terrible thing could be, and I was standing there in profound shock, all the screaming in me too deep to vocalize, when I thought of the Senior.

Oh my god. Literally. My Senior, the holiest part of our soul, I had to find him. I ran, feeling in my gut a sense of direction, and had a terrible sinking feeling as I followed the rabble shouting of a small group, and I knew with that pit-of-stomach feeling that he would be literally in a crucifixion scenario with them also. I managed to finally fight my way to him, so filled with horror and grief at that point I couldn't even speak or cry as I just stood there by him. And he looked into me, and he knew me as a primal part of himself, and he had such love for me it was infinite and eternal, and then he just... allowed them to kill him. I stood there still, limp, as I felt his part of my soul stripped away from me.

At some point, I finally looked around, and realized all the people were now gone. The city was well and truly a forlorn past relic now, like some post-armageddon empty desolation, the weird gross fluid still all over the ground, and I knew I was utterly alone in the universe.

And my body woke up. But I knew it was 'real'. My mind hadn't really been asleep, only my body. I felt as if some part of me were just crawling out of the dreamspace like even my dream body was nearly destroyed from the grief of it.

In forlorn need, as if only shreds of me were left to struggle toward even this, I went to see Inner Guide and my Outer Guides, to share with them my unspeakable grief. I opened up my plateau area, normally at that time filled with all kinds of identities and IG, to find only emptiness.

I stopped, looking around me half-numbly as it dawned on me. A cold wind blew over the dusty rock of the plateau in a deep silence, as if to emphasize there was not a single piece of soul there. I realized they were gone totally, they had left me too. They had abandoned me, I felt. I "slammed shut" the doorway to that world and ran away.

I didn't meditate at all for three months. I couldn't even let myself think about it. It brought such deep upset I just stuffed it down inside me.

*

I bawled my head off writing the above! -- and it's been over four years since then.

It has taken me days to force myself to get to this account. I knew from the start THIS is the thing I needed to review, and the reason for the inner push to collect old stuff. I've kept putting it off, then starting and 'getting distracted' or doing something else within a sentence or two.

I had to stop typing at the end of each of the three paragraphs about their deaths and just cry with deep racking sobs for awhile. It's crazy how deeply this affects me, even now, even though they finally were returned to me so I am no longer without them.

*

Now, that is clearly tied to a dream experience I had when I was almost age 16, though I don't get the sync. It was so impactive it haunted me for years, though nothing at all like the above. In the dream, I was in a suite at the basement level of a many-storied building like a hotel, with my best friend of the time, Anna. There was an elevator that opened up into the room we were in, and suddenly I could hear that the car many stories above was plunging freefall down toward us and was going to crash at the bottom. I whirled around and tackled Anna behind a sofa to protect us, as that whole area erupted with noise and violence as the elevator cart slammed into the ground at our level, and part of the building in that area flew like an explosion.

After a minute, I got up and picked my way through the rubble to the doorway of the elevator. A strange, horrible fluid was all over the ground inside it several inches deep, and the smell of it was so primal-gross, like it was something biological, the fluid from burned flesh or something that my body recognized with ultimate-horror. Lying on the floor dead were three people. They all looked similar, white-blonde hair and very blue eyes. Two were older than me but the same age as each other, and a younger brother was my age. I remembered that I had known them well and loved them, and I had something extra akin to a special crush with the younger one who was 'for me'. I looked down at their bodies, oddly unmarked, and at the weird fluid, and I felt something I had no words for but that completely overcame me.

I woke up and bawled my head off for a long time. I told my best friends about the dream many times, often crying in the middle of it. I remembered it and felt it all profoundly for years.

Although it seems clear to me that these two dreams are related, I don't really know what they mean. I didn't get the connection between these two dreams until it occurred to me just a couple months ago I might add.

*

Three months later, on the 29th of December 2005, I had the spontaneous idea that I needed to do an archetype meditation on the crucifixion. I sat down to do this, but the 15-20 second period of time it took for me to visualize going from the plateau to an inner-world where IG did that stuff with me, I got lost in it, my mind in obvious avoidance. Over and over and over and over. Three hours later, having gotten nowhere near IG, I got up, went to the bathroom, and came back to try again but just fell asleep. The next morning I started again with the same result. A little over two hours later I gave up and went on with my life. Later, that night, I sat down to try again, determined that the third time's a charm and I would MAKE it work.

I opened up my 'outer guide' area. The whole landscape seemed flimsy and transparent, as if my total absence hadn't fed the thoughtform to keep it existing, and I spent a minute pouring energy and attention into it. As I did so, I perceived Brin to be there near me on the plateau, waiting for me. Brin was an outer guide and the only guide I have ever seen and heard with astounding clarity, though he was only 'sensed' at that moment. I told him about my sudden idea to do that meditation on the crucifixion, and I started crying my head off as I told him how terrible it was, as more and more guides started 'appearing' all over the plateau, and I started ranting and yelling at all of them about how they had all ABANDONED me in my greatest time of need damn them, until I was finally just sobbing helplessly without words, although on the bright side my inner world had gotten a lot more clear during all of that.

Brin was being unusually close and affectionate, and grew clearer as I cried on him. He stayed very physically close to me, always touching me, which he had never done before. He was more tangible than anything or anyone else, and at one point when my crying finally dropped into hiccuping occasional sobs, he touched my forehead and looked at me from very close and he said, I am here, I am right beside you, I will stay with you, you are not alone. That made me start sobbing again, but eventually I got my act together and could finally continue on to IG.

I reached IG and began to tell him about wanting to meditate on that, but started crying again in the middle of my request. I had the sense from him that I had sublimated all the feelings all this time, which is why I had so much to deal with. He, like Brin, was unusually close to me, touching me gently in various places, which seemed so sweet and loving. When I calmed down, I pointed out that he was being so much more nice and gentle with me than he ever had been before. He said, You *need* that more than you ever have before.

Instead of a "symbolic" archetype of the Four, he brought me the Senior. Except it was part-him and part-archetype, I could feel that it was somehow plenty of both at the same time. But I couldn't work with him. I didn't know what to do. I felt like I had so much emotion still that just seeing him nearly paralyzed me with grief in memory. I felt stupid and lacking imagination about how to go about the meditation. I closed the visualization and got up and did something else.

I stayed up late that night, and at some ungodly hour the next morning I went back. I don't remember the details of what we did together, although it was working, and I had a sudden understanding of why I could not see him for so long before:

Because I was in denial of the primary energy in me that he represents. He is the king, the leader, the front man. Every cycle of image/interaction we did, at some point specifically addressed my role here in the world, my "destiny", and accepting what is mine, what is divine will, and going with it, allowing it to come through me, not fighting it so hard. Each of these experiences were amazing, powerful, emotional and body-rocking in many places. Eventually the Queen showed up in one of them and surprised me, but I hadn't yet seen my mate when I had to end the meditation.

The next two days, I went in to meditate, but there was no energy there. Like I had reached max saturation or something. I just 'existed' there for awhile and then left.

The third day, I went back, and took Brin my OG with me, in to see IG and continue the meditation. IG brought back the Senior, but I had a hard time connecting with him, and couldn't hold my attention on what I was supposed to be doing. Finally I said, "IG, why is this so much WORK?" IG said, "That's part of it, part of your relationship with them. Your effort to reach out and make the connection is a big part of what is needed." The effort to maintain my 'attention' was grueling. Finally I decided to ask the Senior to change from his normal form I perceive and instead appear in "whatever form would best show me the energy, issues, and allow m to understand and interact."

I felt him change, but I couldn't look. I kept turning away inside myself. I would try to look again and my body would turn me away immediately with an overwhelming dose of fear and revulsion. I took a deep breath, and took IG's hand on my left and Brin's hand on my right and forced myself with a huge effort to "allow" whatever the pattern would show me and to see.

It was so mundane visually, compared to the feelings! There was a small a portion of the ruins of a castle. There was grass and ivy that had grown between stones, breaking up some of the walls. I "understood" this represented my neglect of the relationship. I also understood the difference between this and the 'grey dust' that I normally see on archs I have ignored/repressed: THIS energy was alive on its own and was always growing. I would either pay attention to it, and have it grow in ways conducive to me, or its natural growth without my attention would become problematic and in some cases destabilizing internally.

There was a tower with a high window and no other way in. I floated up to the window and started to look inside, as massive hordes of black insects began pouring out, rather like in that movie 'the mummy', and I completely freaked out with the fear-revulsion thing again. It took several attempts to finally bring myself back to it and accept it and deal with it, deal with the revulsion-fear enough to even look at it clearly. I had to build physically a whole landscape to deal with this, that would 'capture' all of the bugs, however many there might be, and hold them for me to do whatever with them, and I coated myself firmly in clear energy-latex-armor so nothing could touch my body! Then I went forth and gathered up my will and imagined a vacuum effect and basically 'sucked out' bugs with it--discovering there was masses of these underneath the ground where I stood, and the tower opened up to a whole world underneath filled with this. It was just SO disgusting. By the time it was over, literally my entire landscape, for MILES around, was nothing but a sea of black squirming insects going about their lives, frankly without regard to me of course, but still disgusting me. They were all 'held' in the 'clear holding cells of life' that spanned the landscape, and I was standing next to the now-empty castle-fragment/tower-walls, with OG and IG, thinking ooooh, yuck!!

First things first. I looked at the tower and visualized making the stones whole and strong and new and clean, and I cleaned out all the grass and such in the way, and re-mortared the stones and so on, did landscaping and cleaning. When that was done, I vanished that part of the arch, leaving me only with the landscape of bugs, except at this point, the actual archetype was then "present" with me finally--I couldn't see him, but could sense his "awareness" was a big part of me and we could communicate now, me and him and OG and IG.

I said with some exasperation and humor, "OK let me guess. If I just KILL all these bugs, this would be a 'bad' thing, right?" He said "It is your choice. However, the energy is yours. You can kill the form it is in, and then you are stuck with the dead remains; what then? If you get rid of a part of you, do you benefit from that?" I had the sense that he thought this would be as reasonable as cutting off a finger because it hurt, rather than doing something to just fix whatever was hurting it. I said "Well you know, this is pretty gross, and all these billions of bugs, they are just... they are not OF ME, I mean they're not my species you know, and so they just scare me and gross me out."

Then my understanding got... improved. I understood: "I cannot lead them unless I am one of them." I had flashbacks to my work in the past like with psi, and feeling I had to do it "the hard way" and "as one of the people" in order to best someday lead the way into something more constructive. I had flashes to my 'destiny' in music that I fought so hard when young, and then had realized only after I had truly let go of that path that the destiny drive had been real, and not just my ego. And then I got "grafted on" the connection between this, and dynamics in my outer world. (I suspected the thoughtform-entity Dor was helping here.) The bugs represented "the masses." I represented a sort of king or government, that "should" be caring about the welfare of the people and identifying with them, and instead was treating them like "the-other," as peons. I was refusing to accept the proper role of the king, the senior's energy inside me.

I then understood that there was a great power possible here, and that all this consciousness, in such tiny billions of identity-pieces, was technically mine to command, IF I could do it, IF I had the strength, courage, discipline, and WILL to make it happen.

I flashed on my mate/twin when he had claimed his power by "demanding" it, his honor and strength and how that had been required when he "came into being" in the vision in 1993 that woke me up to them. I realized I was being a very weak manager, an inept government. These energies are MINE. It isn't an issue of option, they just ARE, whether I refuse to look or not. If I have not taken responsibility for them, and attempted to "bring them under the singular intent and direction of my guidance", then that is my own responsibility. The more I feared them, the less attention I paid to them, the more they bred and multiplied beneath my notice, the more they grew and the more energy to "disrupt" they had, and hence the more I feared them, in a spiral cycle.

The senior is strong and powerful, and his role inside me "taps into and opens me up to" energies that are "underneath the surface", energies I am avoiding--hence the archetype symbolism.

Then I realized that this is what I saw years ago and understood, in a different content: WE ARE LEGION, in the multitude of intent, in chaos: I AM in the singular. I realized it was my job to identify myself as part of and authority for the legion, and then "bring them with me into the singularity of my intent."

I was 'reminded' of a very powerful "christ" dream.

I was in a band and the person I'd arranged to be lead singer (so I didn't have to be) left. The rest of the band (and the people) wanted me to take the role, I was the songwriter and a good singer after all. But I didn't WANT to be frontman, I didn't WANT to be "the face," I had so many reasons for not wanting that, for wanting to hide behind other people, surround myself with a group of others, and besides, I wasn't beautiful and I was fat, so I was unqualified for the role. I was so frustrated because of a demand crisis on one side, and the people seeming to need that, yet knowing if I did it the agent sitting there would hire us and the studio would insist on my staying frontman, and I refused to go there.

As I stood there having this huge dilemma inside me, I felt that "the awareness of Christ came unto me" -- it felt just like that in those words even! -- and I understood that this was, in fact, my destiny. That it was what I wanted to do because it was God's will through me.

Then the scene changed, and I was a soldier, and we were in a desperate situation, there were no officers left, and I had been bringing the men together with my ideas and by setting an example, but then we got to a situation where I needed to take responsibility as leader, and formally BE that role. I didn't want to be for many many reasons, and besides I knew I was not really qualified... the situation was desperate but I resisted so hard, and then "the awareness of Christ came unto me" and I understood that was my destiny, that was simply my role. It was not taking a promotion as we think of leadership; rather, it was accepting a role of utter service. And then I was in another situation in a business meeting -- you get the idea.

I had maybe a thousand "dream scenarios" in a single night! Infinite "variations on a theme" and in every one, it was the same energy, my refusal to take that role, the hard dilemma of it demanding on me, and the christ-consciousness bringing me new understanding that this was MY ROLE no matter what my stubborn body-personality and its neuroses thought about the subject. When I woke up, it was like I not only had been given a message, but I'd been given a message a thousand times in a single night just to make SURE there was NO WAY I could even pretend that my conscious mind did not know and understand exactly what was being asked of me.

Magickians might say that my HGA was arranging for my True Will to become apparent. The whole 'christ realization' thing was amazing enough an experience, let alone amazing x1000. But, I am capable of ignoring even that. It was just a dream after all. I was probably just imagining it all. (Somewhere the Senior is whacking his head on a wall about me...)

I understood in the meditation that this is the same energy, the same issue. Leadership is a form of service and often the hardest. I had this "understanding" that the concept of birth royalty in our world is based on a spiritual truism: that people are born with roles to play in our world, and some are destined to lead; it is hard work and it can leave you martyrd even and often--but somebody's gotta do it.The reluctance of ethically- and spiritually-centered people from taking the roles our culture has caused us to associate instead with 'ego' has only allowed those leadership roles to be almost entirely filled by people who have contributed to the worst outcome of the people instead.

There must be an understanding of being OF the people, of it being an honor to serve. That is the only way a king can bring the 'we are legion' of chaos into the 'I AM' of his singular intent. That quality is necessary for true leadership and few in our world have it anymore.

I looked at the giant landscape of bugs, my disgust having dimmed a lot, my understanding greater now. My senior, the part of him that was joining my attention in some ghostly-inner fashion, filled me with this... KNOWING that I COULD do this, and it was MINE, the energy was mine, the authority was mine, and I was seized with this incredible feeling I can only call "divine authority."

I commanded in a loud voice that was also the energy of my whole-self, that the masses of insects for miles listen up, and I psychically pushed into their awareness through my gut (will) how they were part of me and I them, and I focused them on the fact that the senior "authority of attention" was mine, I was their leader, and I 'pulled' them together into my singular-intent, and I commanded that they, my people, join my intent. And this happened for a bit and grew in intensity of my attention until the situation sort of exploded in an "evolution and transformation" and then the miles of landscape of little tiny bugs, instead became a small forest filled with many creatures.

I understood that the "size/scope of identity" had massively increased into a whole new landscape. Think of it like millions of tiniest raindrops on your window that suddenly merge in places and turn into varying size much bigger blobs. The trees, bugs, animals, some of which were highly sentient, everything in the forest was also-me. I allowed it briefly, and then I again pulled them all together inside and insisted they evolve into a more singular-intent-identity. Here my memory runs into some problems, though it was clear at the time. I believe I pulled them eventually into the form of the senior-male that was the arch I was given. I asked the arch of him if we could merge; if we had succeeded in the meditation that far, and even if it might be too much for me. He said we could.

I grabbed IG and OG's hands again and imagined our merging. I certainly felt it body-wide, so the med clearly did some good. I had the sense that I was only getting a fraction of it though, and he suggested that it was too much at once, and that my body needs more water and more ability to 'process' the experience, and that the energy would unfold in me as I can take it. So it was done. IG said the others of the Four should be done a separate time.

*

I returned with Brin to the plateau and asked him what he thought. He said it was pretty interesting actually. Dor showed up, and 'showed me from the inside', as he often does, that all this inner stuff had a clear parallel to my life in other ways. There is the "many parts of me" that I get so frustrated about, because I want one thing (like to meditate, eat well, exercise, view, etc.) and it seems like there are all these parts of me that have other ideas and resist and so on. Dor showed me how this was exactly the same thing as the inner example, of seemingly separate identities wandering around that I don't control, but the 'identities' were 'aspects of me' and that this problem in my life represents a lack of my taking the 'divine authority of singular intent' -- in other words, the discipline of self-leadership commanding the many parts of self into following the conscious will. I understood that until I truly accept this energy as part of me, I will have some difficulties perceiving the Senior, except on rare occasion when HE makes a big effort to enable it. I also understood that commanding the elements of myself would be a problem until I accepted that energy as well.

Then Dor showed me something else. I had forgotten that there was a moment in the archmed where the arch showed me 'under the surface', the 'waste disposal systems' (like under-street gutters) of my body. He showed me how they were kinda yucky and not fluid enough. I'd been living on soft drinks and no water really for weeks. Dor showed me how I've overlooked a fairly major point about body systems and metaphysics: the body is an incredible powerhouse in this reality; it's like a major nuclear power plant focused in this dimension, a true "dense mass of energy" vibrating here, and our "intent" and state of mind essentially "broadcasts" through this power-plant (body) into this dimension, so to speak. The more our body is weak or clogged and sluggish, the less power we have; the more it is ill, un-limber, un-fluid, the more the light of our intent is 'distorted'.

I understood that my ability to manifest things physically in my life, although metaphysically "belief systems" are the basic of it, that we "live in the body of our beliefs" as Seth says, and the body is the manner in which this is carried out in our reality, and I cannot separate body-issues from spiritual-issues because of this; nothing is "just physical". It all tied in together. The Senior's energy. My issues in my daily life. Everything.

*

We were talking about something later when Brin laughed and said, "WE are the same thing as all this other stuff!" I didn't get it at first. Then I realized he meant, my guides, THEY are just like the aspects of me, the forest animals, the bugs -- they are "energy-identities which, as part of my realm, can be and should be directed by my conscious intent."

I had a many-layered understanding, begun by the memory of how I had always wanted my baby to feel 'free' and not bound up, but later learned that babies WANT to be bundled up tight, it makes them feel safe like the womb; and I observed a few ways in which in government people need a strong leader, and how in business employees need a strong CEO, and several other allegories. I remembered how my guides always said they want me to ASK for what I want. Although I can leave it 'open-ended' they often have implied that if I want specific help I need to ask for something specific ( e.g., help with exercise, or whatever), and that the more specific I am in what I am asking for help with the more effective they can be.

All the understanding came together and I realized what he was conveying: on 'some level', my guides want me to "lead with my intent." Because they are part of me -- they may have their own separate identities or worlds, sure, but as far as OUR relationship goes, just as mates appreciate some of the feel of 'ownership' by the other and 'children need clear boundaries' and babies need firm wrapping and employees and citizens need strong leadership and everything needs solid interaction -- if I wanted my guides to really be effective with me at the max level, that I would not be wimpy and gentle and 'equal' with them as far as the 'if you want' attitude. I would accept my role as "the leading INTENT" in our relationship, and I would TELL THEM what I want.

I can ask, I can tell, it doesn't matter, they are not neurotic socially. What they want is a specific request, is my attention, is essentially my leadership to both allow them, and provide the opportunity for them, to show me what they can do for me.

*

A very short time later, I went to see a movie, "Narnia". I grew up with those books. I'd even felt the lion inside me was an analogy to Aslan. It occurred to me how interesting it was, as I watched, that it actually had the same mythology as me: Four royalty, two elder and two younger of each gender, each with an archetype role, the Lion as their spiritual touchstone etc. But while from the books as a kid I mostly remembered Lucy, the youngest, the movie had a different focus: Peter, the eldest who is to be King. It is his destiny to claim his power, to take leadership. He is refusing it, he doesn't feel qualified. Other people are literally dying for him as THEY know his role, but he won't wrap around it.

On the screen, this shining golden castle high near the edge of the sea appears in the distance and I 'breathed' -- like a little kid -- "Cair Paravel!" -- WOW. It sounds stupid but it's like literally, exactly as I always imagined it in my head, in the movie it was just like that. It was like someone took something inside me and put it in a movie, in some ways. It had a really powerful emotional effect on me. I hadn't thought about how powerful it is when something very deep with you throughout your young life suddenly comes up again, and even manifests in great detail in front of your eyes.

Then there is a scene where the golden lion gets crucified! Why didn't I think of this being in the movie as it's a core in the book I don't know, but it felt astounding and cosmic that stuff on the inside of me was totally playing out on the outside of me. It felt like someone reached in and grabbed my guts. The entire movie was like living out the issues I've been meditating on for days. I was so moved that I couldn't even get up at the end. I just sat there, trying to compose myself, with tears running down my face. As it turns out, they used over a thousand people in many countries so the credits literally take 15 minutes to roll.

After a minute of it I realized I liked the song playing. Silly on the surface but it was so reach-in-and-grab-your-guts given I was really wrapped up in some mix of archetype meditation, dream, movie, stuff from childhood, stuff from present, all at once: I am a magnet / For all kinds of deeper wonderment / I am a wunderkind / And I live the envelope / Pushed far enough to believe that / I am a princess / On the way to my throne / Destined to serve / Destined to roam... It felt like my inner self talking to me from the outside at the time.

I stopped at the store on the way home ... and while L&R were inside I did a quick meditation. I started telling IG all about it (the movie) and then realized he knew all about it, and I started in about how amazing that it seemed like the world around outside me was talking to the world inside me, and he laughed in a good way and said, it is always this way, you KNOW that what you experience outside you IS inside you and when you pay attention you notice it more! I ended up just hugging him really happily and finally wrapped it up.

*

I learned a lot, but still had (and still have) no clear understanding of WHY the others had to die.

PJ

Dream, talking to everything

I love weird dreams.

The area of the world 'we' lived in was no longer going to be habitable. We had to leave. It wasn't quite that easy though. We packed everyone in a few impossibly big containers as if they were cold unconscious objects. One person had to be the one to stay conscious and 'deal with'... stuff. A bizarre job I can't describe but which required some drugs to allow every-moment awareness and being sort of 'plugged in' to everything around in some odd way.

We were mostly set and the first transport went on ahead of us by about a month or two. We followed, and I was just one of the crowd. Eventually we all woke up and piled out. We took some kind of medicine then, which was also given to the 'driver' guys of each thing, to make sure this new place did not have microbes that would destroy us.

A little while later, the man who'd been awake for the first crew, killed himself. I was part of a small team investigating why. This was truly unusual for any of my people to do and beyond our comprehension.

I was confused, shocked, then disturbed to come to the understanding of what had gone on with him while he waited for us. His... carrier had been in the ground, see. Almost entirely under it, only a tiny part up top slightly above the soil with air on it, while he waited. His role had forced him to sort of plug into all the things in the ground, awareness-wise. Nobody had ever considered such a thing. Normally our containers were in the sky. Normally where we 'lived' even on the ground was... well it wasn't at all like this new place, with seemingly millions of life forms of every shape, size and description.

And as a side-effect of his role, he had encountered the consciousness of... of worms. And bugs. And plants. And... and too many things to count. Things I considered kind of gross. Things in multitude, in legion, things 'smaller' than us but still 'hear-able'. I kept having this bad dream, caused by my investigation process, that I was with him and he was alive, and he reached his hand down into the actual soil and and 'partly grew into' worms and bugs and more. I would wake up shaking from the sheer gross-out horror of it.

And eventually, don't remember how, I came to understand that he had not killed himself because of the horror of that experience, as understandable as that might have been. But because the medicine he'd been given when still in his pod-thing at the top of the... container, before he could talk yet and say something, had completely cut him off from that contact. And apparently he had adapted to it and grown to like it and then to need it at some core level, and had tried to get it back, finally concluding that it was impossible and he could never have that connected awareness again. He felt so much 'less alive' and 'less aware' that he decided he couldn't live like that anymore.


This was a bit linear and rather odd (all dreams are odd). But since it was about awareness I had to wonder how much of it was sparked by my current focus.

Dreamlings

So far on this blog I've talked about a few different kinds of meditations, and a few different processes or elements. Archetype meditations are why I made the blog. There are 'reality' meds as I call them, that I once described. There are 'body' meds that I've mentioned. And 'control center' meds. I'm sure the limits are only to imagination but so far that's about all I tend to. There is a whole separate element that comes into archetype meditations though, and sometimes in other areas. I'm calling it 'dreamlings'.

Guides? Aeons? Composite Collections of Energy Assigned A Title?

The blog has (against my will) lately been filled with what I've called Guides but now that I better understand their nature, I will come up with some other name for them. They are really not anything like spirit guides and they are not 'separate counselors'.

I have a name that has spontaneously come to mind for me repeatedly but it doesn't make any sense. So I think I need something different. It is "Aeons." With that spelling. Not as a span of time, but not not-that either. The impression I get is: "a span of energy in singular form" which has time/space/identity/depth (all), but is combined into the singular, and so is a 'thing'. I just don't get how that word works here, even though it keeps spontaneously coming to mind when I think of the subject.

The occult field also has a leaning on that interesting letter combination -- e.g. the New Aeon, the Aethyrs. This makes me want to NOT use any such word for them, in part to avoid that association and in part because it seems confusing. That's what keeps popping into my head though. If they don't give me something else I might just have to use that, although I suspect that sounds just as moronic as 'guides' but is even more obscure to readers.

Lucid Dreams and Not-dreams

As a child I was very fluent with dreaming. I was lucid most the time and could drop into that voluntarily. Although that diminished when I was around 18 (after reading a book on it, which mostly made me realize it wasn't normal for everyone) it was still 'often', and in one period of my life I was lucid pretty much constantly--as if my body slept but never my mind--and I think I was a little nutso during that period frankly (see Bewilderness) but that eventually resolved.

I worked intensely with self-hypnosis for many years from teens to mid 20s, and got pretty well adapted to not only extremely deep trance states while maintaining lucidity, but being able to ask my mind questions and get answers about my state of mind--was I dreaming, awake, lucid dreaming, how deep was my trance state, was something I was experiencing an artifact of something else, etc.

During the Bewilderness era I began having a 'new' kind of dream--in fact, several new kinds--that felt different. WERE different. I hadn't until then had any category besides 'dream', 'lucid dream', 'trance' [varying states] and 'awake'. All the sudden there were these distinct new experiences, and they were each their own recognizeable category, but I didn't have any words for that kind of experience. Nor had I ever heard other people talk about it. It's really hard when you have a repeating experience but no mental model for it, no vocabulary for it.

Reading Jane Roberts (Seth) opened up my world back then, mostly because for the first time ever, it gave me an actual vocabulary and framework for many things I was already experiencing. I found that I remembered things better in that case; when you lack mental context, things just fall out of the memory, as if they are lost in some filing cabinet without a label or cross reference, so are unlikely to ever be found except by accident.

Sometimes, I felt like "I was in an alternate reality" plain and simple, but that it wasn't a 'dream' in the standard sense. I would marvel over the differences between that reality and this one, such as for example, in one dream, Compuserve also existed there but the internet was rather different, and the structure I lived in was fairly normal but the walls were made out of a different material. The fact that it 'felt' normal--I knew I was 'technically' asleep and hence classified as dreaming, yet I 'felt' it was a real, normal world, just not the same one, but one I also lived in, and I could compare between the two.

Sometimes it felt like "Naw, this isn't a dream, this is real" even though I was so lucid I knew I was asleep, knew I was in-theory dreaming, knew that the world I was in (which was constant at the time, like a second life) was not my 'normal awake life', knew I was there 'all the time' and yet it wasn't my 'real life', and yet despite knowing all of that and being aware of it at the time, still my mind (which had until then been expert at reporting to me my state) would go, "Naw, this is real."

The problem was, that world I found myself in all the time was (a) not this world, (b) very weird and (c) was dominantly blondes, fragiles and bugs as I called them then, until later when I discovered the UFOlogy field also knew these people called them Nordics, Greys and Mantis. I've seriously wondered why it is that my mind really thought "it was real" during those particular 'dreams' and not during all the other dreams of other nature. Why was it that particular 'place', my body/mind thought was 'real' just like ordinary life--but somewhere 'else'?

Daydreams and OBE-dreams

Everybody daydreams. Seth was correct that our daydreams will show us our belief systems and default thought patterns. When I really pay attention to myself I find that a huge percentage of my thoughts need to just be dissolved and released because they are negative in some way. If I'm doing archetype work and I have "left unfinished" some meditation, my thoughts will be strongly affected by this--the ways vary but they are seldom pretty--until I resolve that.

I OBE'd from early childhood too. I think people who say lucid dreaming and out of body states are related might be right, simply because I had both of them so constantly and easily it seems easy to believe they are just two different points on a spectrum. In my theory "The Rainbow of Soul" I said I think we're like white light that prisms into a rainbow of manifestation, with the physical body being 'the red band', the astral body being 'the orange band' and so on, and that "perception is the moving point." In other words, the white light and the rainbow always exist. We can manifest/unmanifest from the red band (in bodies here, be born or die); that doesn't change the larger collection of energy. But right now, as a rainbow, I can move my 'attention' from the red band (physical) to the orange band (astral) to the yellow band (mental) and I will have the "sense of self/sense-of"I" or identity" in all those states, and my own perception and experience while "there" -- but in theory, my body didn't go anywhere; nor did I just spring up an astral body on the spot; I always exist in all states, but my attention moves between them.

I very seldom OBE anymore. Sometimes if I am doing really altered state remote viewing I might slide into OBE or almost, just by over-dissociating. I consider this undesireable, solely because I think RV is about getting data in the red band, and OBE 'level' or gradient -- the area of the orange band which one is focused within -- is hard to control, to say the least... and the physical world can be very different depending on how far toward the orange we are.

Dreamlings

This is what I am calling the rather distinct "type" of "sudden spontaneous dreams" that occur like some kind of physics bubbles within my archetype meditations, although I am beginning to suspect they happen sometimes other as well. I have never paid enough attention to "how my mind works" to become aware of this until now. I've had the typical filter of "they all look alike to me" on basically "anything that happens in my head that I'm not doing on purpose."

There are some pretty unique qualities to them.

1. They are sometimes very non-dreamlike, with only geometries, colors, dynamics.
2. When they are dreamlike they are often entire worlds with history/future--very complete dream-reality, not anything light like a daydream.
3. They arrive instantly when I am lucid, instantly expand like a bubble and I may find myself in the middle of something (usually, in fact, I am 'in the middle of something'), and they collapse entirely and abruptly. Not like I leave; not like it ends; more like the whole 'world' of the dream literally just collapsed out of existence.
4. They may take a few seconds, but 'the world of the dream' may have quite a long time pass.
5. I am capable of becoming lucid in them and realizing everything about who I am and what I'm doing and that this is merely a 'dreamling' in the middle of a meditation. This is more prone to happen when the Angelics are helping me because their energy becomes part of the world and they are recognizeable to me for some reason (even if they look like a skyscraper or a normal person in the dreamworld).
6. I can consciously ask for these, fall into them, come back, turn around and go back into another, and go through lots and lots of them, in a really short period of time (although I swear experientially I am living hours, days, weeks 'inside' there, while it's maybe 2 minutes here! -- which has a rather odd sort of 'exhaustive' effect).
   
7. I'm not driving them. Not in the slightest, like with a daydream.
   
8. I'm not asleep. Like with a dream. Though it is true I have a tendency to "lose myself" into them which can lead to that.
   

The dreams are "things". I think of them as "little" dreams for some reason even though they are not any kind of dream I have known before, I'm not asleep, etc. So I call them "Dreamlings".

I have mentioned these before. Seeing the snippets in context might make more clear what I mean, so I'll quote them here.

At one point I kind of 'came to' in the middle of this speech to the audience and realized, 'Wait a minute! I'm in the middle of an archetype meditation, not giving a speech to sixty people in suits!' but then IG thought at me, 'Go with it. There are reasons why these kind of daydreams come to you when you're meditating. It's acting out energy that needs dealing with. Just remember when it's over to resume where you were.' I found that intriguing as up until now when spontaneous daydreams occur right in the middle of archmeds, I have considered them a distraction, a brain avoidance.

and:

I started abreacting. I would have a thought or start an arch-dream and my body would jerk violently in one place or another, mostly lower body. I could literally feel it this time, as if energy-which-is-also-information were trying to run through my nervous system, but blocks were "shunting it off" with muscle spams. It got more severe. At one point, I found myself in this arch-dream and I went, "Hey! Hey, I remember this now! This is where I was last night! This--" and an abreaction so severe that my entire body spasmed wildly hit me. I forgot everything except that last thought. But at least it made me realize that I didn't just pass out in the middle of a thought last night; I was doing "something", I just don't remember what.

and:

I started getting better at that. At letting my mind "bloom out" into some other dimension of genuine mini-dream, which I was not driving at all, merely sitting in on (in some wonder sometimes), and when it was over I would find myself back at my anchor, which after awhile did pretty well at instantly reminding me of what the heck I was doing so I could get back to it.

I found that I needed to kind of create a thoughtform that had a couple basics, plus add the placement-visual like of the archetype, so I would instantly get three things: the idea of meditation, the idea of an archmed in specific, and the visual of the archetype I was in the middle of working with. They'd hit me all at the same time when the arch-dream ceased to exist and I would remember.

[...] I continued allowing the arch-dreams. The funny thing was that once I started getting the hang of really giving them some energy and allowance but not getting lost in them, they started coming really fast, lots of them.

Each world would fully collapse and another world would spring into being, as if each were literally a kind of physical round "bubble" in some way, but it was expanding into some other dimension that doesn't exist in reality as I perceive it here.

The twins, the Angelics, were in most of them. Maybe all but I didn't grok it a few times. But they were like, they were some identity in the arch-dream that fit in perfectly with its framework. I mean they just looked like persons or animals or even structures, but I recognized them, the twins, inside the arch-dream as being the Angelics back in my arch-med. That was interesting and it seemed to help keep me grounded. I think I did better with this because of their helping me, and because seeing them kept reminding me of what I was doing so I was less lost in each of the arch-dream worlds.

I felt as if I were in a constantly-changing universe, a chaotic Bangkok of the psychic realm, where my entire reality-structure radically altered within seconds, and completely unrelated worlds sprang into being, me finding myself in that world right in the middle of some kind of process or event, and then that whole world collapsed in on itself into nothingness again, like some kind of quantum experiment gone mad.

I don't think I've ever done anything as experientially-complex as that in my life.

PJ