The Crucifixion of the Trinity

In Autumn of 2005, in September, the month I turned 40, the other three elements of my soul died.

It was a strange thing, I think now. It had been in mid 1994 that my 'illusion' of soul and self had been ripped from me, in the Nothingness experience that I'd had to 'sacrifice myself' to. I had nearly committed suicide after that, a biological empty shell, a walking corpse without the god-light inside me. After a few months, the divine inside me I called The Blue Eyes of Soul saved me, brought me to understand I could never truly be separate from anything, and I sobbed my way into almost being normal again that night. Although in reality it took literally years before I was truly enough past that to not feel like it was still haunting me.

I would not have thought there was anything else that could affect me on that level, that inexplicable deep inner self the size of a universe, but apparently there was.

*

I don't know if these other two things are related, but they were going on with me before the experience occurred so I feel like I should mention them.

First, I began to dream that I had died in my sleep. (This was not at all impossible, health-wise.) I would realize I was in some landscape of the newly-dead, surrounded by people who mostly didn't realize it yet, but were gradually getting a clue. I would realize I was dead, and would wonder what I needed to do to get back to life while I still could, would follow the intuition, find some form of barrier, would try to get through, and something would step in to help remove me from that world and set me back in the living world and I'd wake up.

Second, I had a growing daily feeling of inner desperation. I was aware of it but kind of numb to it. I felt as if there was some window of spiritual opportunity and expectation, a time-based "probability" window, and the Four were leaning harder on me to get with it, get aware, work with them, but I wasn't doing it. I was exhausted and distracted in my daily life and couldn't seem to hold a focus for anything. I have often had that 'window with time limit' feeling mildly, but this was a whole new level of desperate emphasis on it. I started to feel like I was "blowing it" on some level, almost anger but not quite. I would often dream of the Four. They were getting frantic, I observed on awakening, but then I told myself they were surely just imagination anyway. That was another world. They begged me to "see". But I wouldn't.

Then one night I had a dream and for the first time ever I finally 'saw' the Senior clearly and interacted with him. I could feel some energy had shifted in me. I felt that had great meaning, that finally I had fully connected with him.

And then a few days later I had a long, linear, hyper-intense nightmare.
The kind that reaches through your guts and into your soul.
The kind that you're still traumatized about years later.

*

I had become separated from them (the other 3). I was looking for them. I could "feel" that my mate/twin was in trouble. I had to get to him.

I was in a big metro-style city. It was abandoned, empty shells of skyscrapers, an echoing 'feeling', a coldness. An unnatural quietness as I tried to follow my inner feelings to find him. The entire landscape had a couple feet deep of liquid on the ground, city-wide flooding, something that was not water at least mostly, a "weird" liquid with such a yucky vibe. Now and then as I ran around, searching, I would see rogue groups of people running from one place to another, crazy little groups sticking together and acting like a mob, but otherwise the whole city was deserted.

I finally found him. He was at the front of a radical small mob of city dwellers, and they were killing him, literally crucifying him on a pole set above them, murdering him for some reason I was not clear on except that they found him different than themselves. Frantic and panicked and not knowing how to save him, desperate but helpless, I ran to him and looked into his eyes. He looked at me with such profound love I felt like my heart was going to explode.

I knew this was coming, he told me. I am letting it happen. I am taking this for you . . . I love you. And then some extra rush of violent enthusiasm took the crowd and they finished his murder. I FELT him die inside me, a sudden yawning emptiness where that integral part of me had always lived. I screamed and tried to fling myself upon him but the crowd held me back, oblivious to me for some reason. I was overcome by the horror of it, in stunned disbelief despite the feeling inside and the scene before my eyes, and I suddenly couldn't even breathe in the grief of it.

But then I thought of the Queen. I had to find her. And I ran from his body, feeling her nearby, and I saw a mob of people. The word "rabble" came to my mind, and I knew this had to be where she was. I ran into the crowd and fought my way through it, only to finally see her tied to something up high on display, bloody and broken as the mob shouted in their ignorant insanity and determination to kill her. It felt as if this was intentional on some level, it was in fact her very holiness, her light, that set her apart. And as I finally got near to her body, she felt me trying to get to her, and she lifted her head and looked into my eyes, and I knew she loved me so profoundly, but her eyes told me: this is the way it has to be. Then she slumped in place and I felt her leave me inside, a sudden emptiness where I had never suspected such a terrible thing could be, and I was standing there in profound shock, all the screaming in me too deep to vocalize, when I thought of the Senior.

Oh my god. Literally. My Senior, the holiest part of our soul, I had to find him. I ran, feeling in my gut a sense of direction, and had a terrible sinking feeling as I followed the rabble shouting of a small group, and I knew with that pit-of-stomach feeling that he would be literally in a crucifixion scenario with them also. I managed to finally fight my way to him, so filled with horror and grief at that point I couldn't even speak or cry as I just stood there by him. And he looked into me, and he knew me as a primal part of himself, and he had such love for me it was infinite and eternal, and then he just... allowed them to kill him. I stood there still, limp, as I felt his part of my soul stripped away from me.

At some point, I finally looked around, and realized all the people were now gone. The city was well and truly a forlorn past relic now, like some post-armageddon empty desolation, the weird gross fluid still all over the ground, and I knew I was utterly alone in the universe.

And my body woke up. But I knew it was 'real'. My mind hadn't really been asleep, only my body. I felt as if some part of me were just crawling out of the dreamspace like even my dream body was nearly destroyed from the grief of it.

In forlorn need, as if only shreds of me were left to struggle toward even this, I went to see Inner Guide and my Outer Guides, to share with them my unspeakable grief. I opened up my plateau area, normally at that time filled with all kinds of identities and IG, to find only emptiness.

I stopped, looking around me half-numbly as it dawned on me. A cold wind blew over the dusty rock of the plateau in a deep silence, as if to emphasize there was not a single piece of soul there. I realized they were gone totally, they had left me too. They had abandoned me, I felt. I "slammed shut" the doorway to that world and ran away.

I didn't meditate at all for three months. I couldn't even let myself think about it. It brought such deep upset I just stuffed it down inside me.

*

I bawled my head off writing the above! -- and it's been over four years since then.

It has taken me days to force myself to get to this account. I knew from the start THIS is the thing I needed to review, and the reason for the inner push to collect old stuff. I've kept putting it off, then starting and 'getting distracted' or doing something else within a sentence or two.

I had to stop typing at the end of each of the three paragraphs about their deaths and just cry with deep racking sobs for awhile. It's crazy how deeply this affects me, even now, even though they finally were returned to me so I am no longer without them.

*

Now, that is clearly tied to a dream experience I had when I was almost age 16, though I don't get the sync. It was so impactive it haunted me for years, though nothing at all like the above. In the dream, I was in a suite at the basement level of a many-storied building like a hotel, with my best friend of the time, Anna. There was an elevator that opened up into the room we were in, and suddenly I could hear that the car many stories above was plunging freefall down toward us and was going to crash at the bottom. I whirled around and tackled Anna behind a sofa to protect us, as that whole area erupted with noise and violence as the elevator cart slammed into the ground at our level, and part of the building in that area flew like an explosion.

After a minute, I got up and picked my way through the rubble to the doorway of the elevator. A strange, horrible fluid was all over the ground inside it several inches deep, and the smell of it was so primal-gross, like it was something biological, the fluid from burned flesh or something that my body recognized with ultimate-horror. Lying on the floor dead were three people. They all looked similar, white-blonde hair and very blue eyes. Two were older than me but the same age as each other, and a younger brother was my age. I remembered that I had known them well and loved them, and I had something extra akin to a special crush with the younger one who was 'for me'. I looked down at their bodies, oddly unmarked, and at the weird fluid, and I felt something I had no words for but that completely overcame me.

I woke up and bawled my head off for a long time. I told my best friends about the dream many times, often crying in the middle of it. I remembered it and felt it all profoundly for years.

Although it seems clear to me that these two dreams are related, I don't really know what they mean. I didn't get the connection between these two dreams until it occurred to me just a couple months ago I might add.

*

Three months later, on the 29th of December 2005, I had the spontaneous idea that I needed to do an archetype meditation on the crucifixion. I sat down to do this, but the 15-20 second period of time it took for me to visualize going from the plateau to an inner-world where IG did that stuff with me, I got lost in it, my mind in obvious avoidance. Over and over and over and over. Three hours later, having gotten nowhere near IG, I got up, went to the bathroom, and came back to try again but just fell asleep. The next morning I started again with the same result. A little over two hours later I gave up and went on with my life. Later, that night, I sat down to try again, determined that the third time's a charm and I would MAKE it work.

I opened up my 'outer guide' area. The whole landscape seemed flimsy and transparent, as if my total absence hadn't fed the thoughtform to keep it existing, and I spent a minute pouring energy and attention into it. As I did so, I perceived Brin to be there near me on the plateau, waiting for me. Brin was an outer guide and the only guide I have ever seen and heard with astounding clarity, though he was only 'sensed' at that moment. I told him about my sudden idea to do that meditation on the crucifixion, and I started crying my head off as I told him how terrible it was, as more and more guides started 'appearing' all over the plateau, and I started ranting and yelling at all of them about how they had all ABANDONED me in my greatest time of need damn them, until I was finally just sobbing helplessly without words, although on the bright side my inner world had gotten a lot more clear during all of that.

Brin was being unusually close and affectionate, and grew clearer as I cried on him. He stayed very physically close to me, always touching me, which he had never done before. He was more tangible than anything or anyone else, and at one point when my crying finally dropped into hiccuping occasional sobs, he touched my forehead and looked at me from very close and he said, I am here, I am right beside you, I will stay with you, you are not alone. That made me start sobbing again, but eventually I got my act together and could finally continue on to IG.

I reached IG and began to tell him about wanting to meditate on that, but started crying again in the middle of my request. I had the sense from him that I had sublimated all the feelings all this time, which is why I had so much to deal with. He, like Brin, was unusually close to me, touching me gently in various places, which seemed so sweet and loving. When I calmed down, I pointed out that he was being so much more nice and gentle with me than he ever had been before. He said, You *need* that more than you ever have before.

Instead of a "symbolic" archetype of the Four, he brought me the Senior. Except it was part-him and part-archetype, I could feel that it was somehow plenty of both at the same time. But I couldn't work with him. I didn't know what to do. I felt like I had so much emotion still that just seeing him nearly paralyzed me with grief in memory. I felt stupid and lacking imagination about how to go about the meditation. I closed the visualization and got up and did something else.

I stayed up late that night, and at some ungodly hour the next morning I went back. I don't remember the details of what we did together, although it was working, and I had a sudden understanding of why I could not see him for so long before:

Because I was in denial of the primary energy in me that he represents. He is the king, the leader, the front man. Every cycle of image/interaction we did, at some point specifically addressed my role here in the world, my "destiny", and accepting what is mine, what is divine will, and going with it, allowing it to come through me, not fighting it so hard. Each of these experiences were amazing, powerful, emotional and body-rocking in many places. Eventually the Queen showed up in one of them and surprised me, but I hadn't yet seen my mate when I had to end the meditation.

The next two days, I went in to meditate, but there was no energy there. Like I had reached max saturation or something. I just 'existed' there for awhile and then left.

The third day, I went back, and took Brin my OG with me, in to see IG and continue the meditation. IG brought back the Senior, but I had a hard time connecting with him, and couldn't hold my attention on what I was supposed to be doing. Finally I said, "IG, why is this so much WORK?" IG said, "That's part of it, part of your relationship with them. Your effort to reach out and make the connection is a big part of what is needed." The effort to maintain my 'attention' was grueling. Finally I decided to ask the Senior to change from his normal form I perceive and instead appear in "whatever form would best show me the energy, issues, and allow m to understand and interact."

I felt him change, but I couldn't look. I kept turning away inside myself. I would try to look again and my body would turn me away immediately with an overwhelming dose of fear and revulsion. I took a deep breath, and took IG's hand on my left and Brin's hand on my right and forced myself with a huge effort to "allow" whatever the pattern would show me and to see.

It was so mundane visually, compared to the feelings! There was a small a portion of the ruins of a castle. There was grass and ivy that had grown between stones, breaking up some of the walls. I "understood" this represented my neglect of the relationship. I also understood the difference between this and the 'grey dust' that I normally see on archs I have ignored/repressed: THIS energy was alive on its own and was always growing. I would either pay attention to it, and have it grow in ways conducive to me, or its natural growth without my attention would become problematic and in some cases destabilizing internally.

There was a tower with a high window and no other way in. I floated up to the window and started to look inside, as massive hordes of black insects began pouring out, rather like in that movie 'the mummy', and I completely freaked out with the fear-revulsion thing again. It took several attempts to finally bring myself back to it and accept it and deal with it, deal with the revulsion-fear enough to even look at it clearly. I had to build physically a whole landscape to deal with this, that would 'capture' all of the bugs, however many there might be, and hold them for me to do whatever with them, and I coated myself firmly in clear energy-latex-armor so nothing could touch my body! Then I went forth and gathered up my will and imagined a vacuum effect and basically 'sucked out' bugs with it--discovering there was masses of these underneath the ground where I stood, and the tower opened up to a whole world underneath filled with this. It was just SO disgusting. By the time it was over, literally my entire landscape, for MILES around, was nothing but a sea of black squirming insects going about their lives, frankly without regard to me of course, but still disgusting me. They were all 'held' in the 'clear holding cells of life' that spanned the landscape, and I was standing next to the now-empty castle-fragment/tower-walls, with OG and IG, thinking ooooh, yuck!!

First things first. I looked at the tower and visualized making the stones whole and strong and new and clean, and I cleaned out all the grass and such in the way, and re-mortared the stones and so on, did landscaping and cleaning. When that was done, I vanished that part of the arch, leaving me only with the landscape of bugs, except at this point, the actual archetype was then "present" with me finally--I couldn't see him, but could sense his "awareness" was a big part of me and we could communicate now, me and him and OG and IG.

I said with some exasperation and humor, "OK let me guess. If I just KILL all these bugs, this would be a 'bad' thing, right?" He said "It is your choice. However, the energy is yours. You can kill the form it is in, and then you are stuck with the dead remains; what then? If you get rid of a part of you, do you benefit from that?" I had the sense that he thought this would be as reasonable as cutting off a finger because it hurt, rather than doing something to just fix whatever was hurting it. I said "Well you know, this is pretty gross, and all these billions of bugs, they are just... they are not OF ME, I mean they're not my species you know, and so they just scare me and gross me out."

Then my understanding got... improved. I understood: "I cannot lead them unless I am one of them." I had flashbacks to my work in the past like with psi, and feeling I had to do it "the hard way" and "as one of the people" in order to best someday lead the way into something more constructive. I had flashes to my 'destiny' in music that I fought so hard when young, and then had realized only after I had truly let go of that path that the destiny drive had been real, and not just my ego. And then I got "grafted on" the connection between this, and dynamics in my outer world. (I suspected the thoughtform-entity Dor was helping here.) The bugs represented "the masses." I represented a sort of king or government, that "should" be caring about the welfare of the people and identifying with them, and instead was treating them like "the-other," as peons. I was refusing to accept the proper role of the king, the senior's energy inside me.

I then understood that there was a great power possible here, and that all this consciousness, in such tiny billions of identity-pieces, was technically mine to command, IF I could do it, IF I had the strength, courage, discipline, and WILL to make it happen.

I flashed on my mate/twin when he had claimed his power by "demanding" it, his honor and strength and how that had been required when he "came into being" in the vision in 1993 that woke me up to them. I realized I was being a very weak manager, an inept government. These energies are MINE. It isn't an issue of option, they just ARE, whether I refuse to look or not. If I have not taken responsibility for them, and attempted to "bring them under the singular intent and direction of my guidance", then that is my own responsibility. The more I feared them, the less attention I paid to them, the more they bred and multiplied beneath my notice, the more they grew and the more energy to "disrupt" they had, and hence the more I feared them, in a spiral cycle.

The senior is strong and powerful, and his role inside me "taps into and opens me up to" energies that are "underneath the surface", energies I am avoiding--hence the archetype symbolism.

Then I realized that this is what I saw years ago and understood, in a different content: WE ARE LEGION, in the multitude of intent, in chaos: I AM in the singular. I realized it was my job to identify myself as part of and authority for the legion, and then "bring them with me into the singularity of my intent."

I was 'reminded' of a very powerful "christ" dream.

I was in a band and the person I'd arranged to be lead singer (so I didn't have to be) left. The rest of the band (and the people) wanted me to take the role, I was the songwriter and a good singer after all. But I didn't WANT to be frontman, I didn't WANT to be "the face," I had so many reasons for not wanting that, for wanting to hide behind other people, surround myself with a group of others, and besides, I wasn't beautiful and I was fat, so I was unqualified for the role. I was so frustrated because of a demand crisis on one side, and the people seeming to need that, yet knowing if I did it the agent sitting there would hire us and the studio would insist on my staying frontman, and I refused to go there.

As I stood there having this huge dilemma inside me, I felt that "the awareness of Christ came unto me" -- it felt just like that in those words even! -- and I understood that this was, in fact, my destiny. That it was what I wanted to do because it was God's will through me.

Then the scene changed, and I was a soldier, and we were in a desperate situation, there were no officers left, and I had been bringing the men together with my ideas and by setting an example, but then we got to a situation where I needed to take responsibility as leader, and formally BE that role. I didn't want to be for many many reasons, and besides I knew I was not really qualified... the situation was desperate but I resisted so hard, and then "the awareness of Christ came unto me" and I understood that was my destiny, that was simply my role. It was not taking a promotion as we think of leadership; rather, it was accepting a role of utter service. And then I was in another situation in a business meeting -- you get the idea.

I had maybe a thousand "dream scenarios" in a single night! Infinite "variations on a theme" and in every one, it was the same energy, my refusal to take that role, the hard dilemma of it demanding on me, and the christ-consciousness bringing me new understanding that this was MY ROLE no matter what my stubborn body-personality and its neuroses thought about the subject. When I woke up, it was like I not only had been given a message, but I'd been given a message a thousand times in a single night just to make SURE there was NO WAY I could even pretend that my conscious mind did not know and understand exactly what was being asked of me.

Magickians might say that my HGA was arranging for my True Will to become apparent. The whole 'christ realization' thing was amazing enough an experience, let alone amazing x1000. But, I am capable of ignoring even that. It was just a dream after all. I was probably just imagining it all. (Somewhere the Senior is whacking his head on a wall about me...)

I understood in the meditation that this is the same energy, the same issue. Leadership is a form of service and often the hardest. I had this "understanding" that the concept of birth royalty in our world is based on a spiritual truism: that people are born with roles to play in our world, and some are destined to lead; it is hard work and it can leave you martyrd even and often--but somebody's gotta do it.The reluctance of ethically- and spiritually-centered people from taking the roles our culture has caused us to associate instead with 'ego' has only allowed those leadership roles to be almost entirely filled by people who have contributed to the worst outcome of the people instead.

There must be an understanding of being OF the people, of it being an honor to serve. That is the only way a king can bring the 'we are legion' of chaos into the 'I AM' of his singular intent. That quality is necessary for true leadership and few in our world have it anymore.

I looked at the giant landscape of bugs, my disgust having dimmed a lot, my understanding greater now. My senior, the part of him that was joining my attention in some ghostly-inner fashion, filled me with this... KNOWING that I COULD do this, and it was MINE, the energy was mine, the authority was mine, and I was seized with this incredible feeling I can only call "divine authority."

I commanded in a loud voice that was also the energy of my whole-self, that the masses of insects for miles listen up, and I psychically pushed into their awareness through my gut (will) how they were part of me and I them, and I focused them on the fact that the senior "authority of attention" was mine, I was their leader, and I 'pulled' them together into my singular-intent, and I commanded that they, my people, join my intent. And this happened for a bit and grew in intensity of my attention until the situation sort of exploded in an "evolution and transformation" and then the miles of landscape of little tiny bugs, instead became a small forest filled with many creatures.

I understood that the "size/scope of identity" had massively increased into a whole new landscape. Think of it like millions of tiniest raindrops on your window that suddenly merge in places and turn into varying size much bigger blobs. The trees, bugs, animals, some of which were highly sentient, everything in the forest was also-me. I allowed it briefly, and then I again pulled them all together inside and insisted they evolve into a more singular-intent-identity. Here my memory runs into some problems, though it was clear at the time. I believe I pulled them eventually into the form of the senior-male that was the arch I was given. I asked the arch of him if we could merge; if we had succeeded in the meditation that far, and even if it might be too much for me. He said we could.

I grabbed IG and OG's hands again and imagined our merging. I certainly felt it body-wide, so the med clearly did some good. I had the sense that I was only getting a fraction of it though, and he suggested that it was too much at once, and that my body needs more water and more ability to 'process' the experience, and that the energy would unfold in me as I can take it. So it was done. IG said the others of the Four should be done a separate time.

*

I returned with Brin to the plateau and asked him what he thought. He said it was pretty interesting actually. Dor showed up, and 'showed me from the inside', as he often does, that all this inner stuff had a clear parallel to my life in other ways. There is the "many parts of me" that I get so frustrated about, because I want one thing (like to meditate, eat well, exercise, view, etc.) and it seems like there are all these parts of me that have other ideas and resist and so on. Dor showed me how this was exactly the same thing as the inner example, of seemingly separate identities wandering around that I don't control, but the 'identities' were 'aspects of me' and that this problem in my life represents a lack of my taking the 'divine authority of singular intent' -- in other words, the discipline of self-leadership commanding the many parts of self into following the conscious will. I understood that until I truly accept this energy as part of me, I will have some difficulties perceiving the Senior, except on rare occasion when HE makes a big effort to enable it. I also understood that commanding the elements of myself would be a problem until I accepted that energy as well.

Then Dor showed me something else. I had forgotten that there was a moment in the archmed where the arch showed me 'under the surface', the 'waste disposal systems' (like under-street gutters) of my body. He showed me how they were kinda yucky and not fluid enough. I'd been living on soft drinks and no water really for weeks. Dor showed me how I've overlooked a fairly major point about body systems and metaphysics: the body is an incredible powerhouse in this reality; it's like a major nuclear power plant focused in this dimension, a true "dense mass of energy" vibrating here, and our "intent" and state of mind essentially "broadcasts" through this power-plant (body) into this dimension, so to speak. The more our body is weak or clogged and sluggish, the less power we have; the more it is ill, un-limber, un-fluid, the more the light of our intent is 'distorted'.

I understood that my ability to manifest things physically in my life, although metaphysically "belief systems" are the basic of it, that we "live in the body of our beliefs" as Seth says, and the body is the manner in which this is carried out in our reality, and I cannot separate body-issues from spiritual-issues because of this; nothing is "just physical". It all tied in together. The Senior's energy. My issues in my daily life. Everything.

*

We were talking about something later when Brin laughed and said, "WE are the same thing as all this other stuff!" I didn't get it at first. Then I realized he meant, my guides, THEY are just like the aspects of me, the forest animals, the bugs -- they are "energy-identities which, as part of my realm, can be and should be directed by my conscious intent."

I had a many-layered understanding, begun by the memory of how I had always wanted my baby to feel 'free' and not bound up, but later learned that babies WANT to be bundled up tight, it makes them feel safe like the womb; and I observed a few ways in which in government people need a strong leader, and how in business employees need a strong CEO, and several other allegories. I remembered how my guides always said they want me to ASK for what I want. Although I can leave it 'open-ended' they often have implied that if I want specific help I need to ask for something specific ( e.g., help with exercise, or whatever), and that the more specific I am in what I am asking for help with the more effective they can be.

All the understanding came together and I realized what he was conveying: on 'some level', my guides want me to "lead with my intent." Because they are part of me -- they may have their own separate identities or worlds, sure, but as far as OUR relationship goes, just as mates appreciate some of the feel of 'ownership' by the other and 'children need clear boundaries' and babies need firm wrapping and employees and citizens need strong leadership and everything needs solid interaction -- if I wanted my guides to really be effective with me at the max level, that I would not be wimpy and gentle and 'equal' with them as far as the 'if you want' attitude. I would accept my role as "the leading INTENT" in our relationship, and I would TELL THEM what I want.

I can ask, I can tell, it doesn't matter, they are not neurotic socially. What they want is a specific request, is my attention, is essentially my leadership to both allow them, and provide the opportunity for them, to show me what they can do for me.

*

A very short time later, I went to see a movie, "Narnia". I grew up with those books. I'd even felt the lion inside me was an analogy to Aslan. It occurred to me how interesting it was, as I watched, that it actually had the same mythology as me: Four royalty, two elder and two younger of each gender, each with an archetype role, the Lion as their spiritual touchstone etc. But while from the books as a kid I mostly remembered Lucy, the youngest, the movie had a different focus: Peter, the eldest who is to be King. It is his destiny to claim his power, to take leadership. He is refusing it, he doesn't feel qualified. Other people are literally dying for him as THEY know his role, but he won't wrap around it.

On the screen, this shining golden castle high near the edge of the sea appears in the distance and I 'breathed' -- like a little kid -- "Cair Paravel!" -- WOW. It sounds stupid but it's like literally, exactly as I always imagined it in my head, in the movie it was just like that. It was like someone took something inside me and put it in a movie, in some ways. It had a really powerful emotional effect on me. I hadn't thought about how powerful it is when something very deep with you throughout your young life suddenly comes up again, and even manifests in great detail in front of your eyes.

Then there is a scene where the golden lion gets crucified! Why didn't I think of this being in the movie as it's a core in the book I don't know, but it felt astounding and cosmic that stuff on the inside of me was totally playing out on the outside of me. It felt like someone reached in and grabbed my guts. The entire movie was like living out the issues I've been meditating on for days. I was so moved that I couldn't even get up at the end. I just sat there, trying to compose myself, with tears running down my face. As it turns out, they used over a thousand people in many countries so the credits literally take 15 minutes to roll.

After a minute of it I realized I liked the song playing. Silly on the surface but it was so reach-in-and-grab-your-guts given I was really wrapped up in some mix of archetype meditation, dream, movie, stuff from childhood, stuff from present, all at once: I am a magnet / For all kinds of deeper wonderment / I am a wunderkind / And I live the envelope / Pushed far enough to believe that / I am a princess / On the way to my throne / Destined to serve / Destined to roam... It felt like my inner self talking to me from the outside at the time.

I stopped at the store on the way home ... and while L&R were inside I did a quick meditation. I started telling IG all about it (the movie) and then realized he knew all about it, and I started in about how amazing that it seemed like the world around outside me was talking to the world inside me, and he laughed in a good way and said, it is always this way, you KNOW that what you experience outside you IS inside you and when you pay attention you notice it more! I ended up just hugging him really happily and finally wrapped it up.

*

I learned a lot, but still had (and still have) no clear understanding of WHY the others had to die.

PJ

Ray

I've mentioned a few times that one reason I blog my experiences, and as soon as possible, is because I forget them otherwise. No, let me be more precise; I forget them either way. But this way, I can re-read my blog and be reminded of them. I often have to read this stuff half a dozen times before it stops "falling out of my head" and I can easily remember it.

I actually think this is a serious issue in shamanistic-type paths that is seldom addressed. (Maybe people forget to address it. Haha. Or maybe it's just embarrassing.) Our reality is defined by what we accept and pay attention to. Obviously, the things which most challenge the definition of our reality, and of our identity, are the most difficult to deal with, and will have the most denial and evasion present.

For me, the Aeons (guides) (yes I still think the 'aeons' term as a noun for those identities is a bizarre one, but it returned so often when wondering how to define them I've decided to go with it and trust that a better understanding of 'why' will eventually arrive. Although in case I didn't mention it, part of the info was that they are not just a span of energy but a span of both space and time as well. It's really very weird.), and archetypes, they threaten my current "sense of identity" and "belief system" constantly.

Some things, by their nature, will not stay. The Private Oracle stuff, that literally fell out of my brain within 20 seconds, although he did explain why, and what I had to do to prevent that. I simply must do that kind of communication while sitting at my computer so I can record it on the fly. Most things, though, are ok at the time -- but I need to record it within a day or I lose a large % of it, and if I don't get it recorded within a few days it's gone.

Today I opened up this 'meditation google spreadsheet' I have which lists the various stuff I would like to meditate upon. I realized that in my blog here, I had met a guide (the tall statue like guy whose name was haute-some-thing) and forgot to put him in the little diagram that shows 'where' they appear around me. He is behind me, behind Jared and El Nino.

But when I pulled it up, in the top right corner position, it had one I don't remember: it said: RAY.

Somewhere between April 26 when I first made that chart, and a couple months ago, I apparently met an aeon/guide named 'Ray' and he was in that position so I recorded him there. Or her. Or it. But I didn't write it down, at least, I can't find any trace of it in this blog, or in my email.

So it's gone to me. I will ask IG to bring Ray back and introduce me again and perhaps I will remember something, who knows. All I know for now is that once again (it's happened before) I have done a meditation or had some spontaneous experience, failed to write it down promptly, and it fell out of my mind as if it had never even happened.

That's weird don't you think.

You know this reminds me of something from years ago. I was walking through a street faire in the city I grew up in (Ventura CA). I hate crowded events and was pushing my way through the crowd, not really thinking about anything. I happened to come right up face to face with a woman in the process who gasped out loud on seeing me, jaw dropping, and exclaimed in a half-whisper, "You're a walk-in!" as if that was something amazing. I had no idea what she was talking about. The only place I'd even heard that term was when you don't make an appointment at a hair salon. I decided she couldn't possibly be talking to me (no matter that she seemed to be) because it just didn't really make sense to me and by the time I was recovering from the surprise of it we had already passed each other in the crowd.

Some time later, probably a few years I'm not sure, I was in a big inside shopping Mall in Oxnard CA. I was walking down the tiles toward a store when I happened to see a very well-dressed woman (maybe late 30s) in a business-like suit on the other side of the aisleway, walking the other direction, toward me. I wouldn't have noticed her except that she looked at me and then did a sort of double-take, and then totally detoured across the mall toward me. It was obvious she was going to say something to me long before she got there, and we both stopped when she reached me. She said quietly to me, "Do you know that you're a walk-in?" and I just looked at her blankly. I knew a meaning for the term then. I'd read this book by Lobsang Rampa my step-grandma had given me and talked with her about it, it was this far-out thing where allegedly someone's soul, rather than dying, jumps hosts (bodies) and lets someone else die but takes their body so they can stay in this timeline. At that moment, I couldn't even imagine what on earth such a thing could have to do with me. But the oddity is the weird way I reacted. I just walked away. I mean, it was rude of me, and I should have said something, or asked what she meant or why she would say that, wouldn't you think. But I didn't. I walked away and I kid you not, within a few steps I could completely forgotten it EVER happened.

I remembered years later, when I 'woke up' and realized I didn't start in this body -- a truly horrible realization, akin to BladeRunner's girl discovering her whole childhood was a lie and she didn't really have parents, she was really just AI not human. Then, I suddenly remembered both of those events which had fallen completely out of my brain until that moment, and I observed how odd my reaction was, especially to the second event. It seemed clear to me that I was simply not ready to know that, to deal with that, and so was in complete denial about it, so I couldn't hold the memory.

I had a ton of experiences that were 'anomalies' over the years, things some would consider related to 'aliens and entities', though different people might class them differently (in UFOlogy or Spiritual Warfare or Mind Control or god-only-knows what else). Many times, I had a certain genre of experience repeatedly, but it always just fell out of my head. Then eventually when I was able to consciously focus on and 'accept' a given thing that made it ok and possible to me, it was like a 'tag/label update' on all the database entries that related to that, and all the sudden I had a whole group of memories that I had never been able to recall before and never "correlated together" before. What this meant in practice was that I would have an experience that seemed novel, but once I fully 'integrated' it, I would realize that I'd had many such experiences for years.

It had the disconcerting effect of making me feel like I really didn't know a damn thing about myself OR my life, that so much of it had been "under the radar" for me.

Me, the logical, rational one, the skeptical one. And it turns out there was nothing logical or rational about me, only an impressive ability to ignore half my experiential universe so I could believe that I was logical and rational. Given the degree of fear (even panic) that I perceive on the part of many so-called skeptics (it wouldn't be such evangelism otherwise. They are 'scoffers' or 'pseudo-skeptics'. Real skeptics don't behave like that), I think this may be more common that we (as a culture) realize.

I hope I find Ray.

.

Inner Turbulence

Every morning and every night I have tried to meditate. I hadn't actually gotten to doing so, though, since Sunday morning, and it was Tuesday night. Sleep is the easiest form of denial. Staying up too late so that's inevitable... sigh.

I made it to IG this morning despite several valiant inner attempts at distraction. I discovered a few daydreams that I felt emotionally impelled to go explore right now instead of meditating, but I recognize that by now, and refused. I wandered several times even once I made it to IG, but brought myself back.

A yogi I read once said that if most people in the West had bodies as uncoordinated as their minds, they'd be lucky to make it across the street alive. That's me.

So I grounded myself and really focused and really forced myself to be "here now with" IG and felt my whole emotional-body react. It was obvious to me, from the feeling, that I was specifically avoiding, afraid of, refusing, resisting, my Guides. By which I mean Taan, Nero and Bolehren. I had some substantial energy issues unresolved related to them that had combined to a blocky, spiky, dark unwillingness.

I had noticed earlier, without giving it more thought, that I had such an issue with the guides-thing that I pointedly told IG, "No more guides. I only want archetypes." Even though intellectually, I know The Four introduced me to the Consortium eons ago and I am supposed to be 'becoming aware' of all of them. And yet what, two years later, I've only just met 2 out of 3 (and there's like 12-16 or something) and I can barely stand even that. And IG basically forced the last two on me; I certainly didn't go looking for them in the Tower, with the Four, where I would have expected them to be. I feel like she 'snuck them in' under my radar to some degree. And while I trust her and trust that it's right and the guides themselves seem cool, still, inside my whole body, I just feel a sort of ... "upset" about the whole thing.

I can't get my head around why my insides react like this. My head thinks the idea of guides is kind of groovy. Ooh, aaah, cosmic, dude. If nothing else, it's a useful mental construct, even if it's only me talking to myself with a new name. What's the big deal? Why should it matter? Why is talking to an archetype or IG any different than talking to a guide? Why is 'awareness' of guides I already have so threatening?

Is it awareness of part of myself I normally avoid? Is it like psi, where the sudden expansion of awareness in scope leaves the ego trying to protect such a large territory-of-self that arrogance and paranoia result from its strain? (That's my theory on it anyway.) My mind does not have any "logical" reason for why my body and emotions react as they do to any exposure to my guides. Despite that I have a crush on Nero--feeling shy yet wanting to impress him every time I focus on him--despite that I really WANT to expand my awareness... I feel how I feel.

A long time ago, I used to pray fiercely for evolution. "I want to EVOLVE!" I would say with great powerful longing. (Best done with frankincense and myrrh, a fat purple candle sitting on your sailboard in the dark, inside your RV van conversion while the two kittens watch with wide eyes, perched on your guitar case, and Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison look on from their giant tie-die cloth posters.) Later, I felt I did 'evolve', radically, waaaaay too quickly, and I realized, as I said in Bewilderness, that I understood now why evolution was normally slower, and I didn't want to grow that fast ever again.

I wondered if I should have asked for something other than 'to evolve'. Maybe I would have got nothing but sweet happy stuff if I'd asked right. Maybe getting entities and aliens and occult and egyptian and celtic and modern symbols all in a bizarre collage was a side effect of my database query with a wildcard symbol. That will teach me to use boolean logic! Later I thought it reminded me of that great line from comedian Lily Tomlin, who said: I used to say, when I was a child, that someday, I'd grow up to BE somebody! -- ...now I realize, I should have been more specific.

The turbulence this morning was so obvious I immediately said, "Just give it to me as an archetype while I can still focus!" and I whirled around to deal with it as fast as I could, worried that with that degree of "inner jumbling upset" something would distract me.

The archetype looked like a very large fat insect with about a bazillion tiny little claw-things. I felt nauseated and disgusted. I called for Sun, Jupiter, and IG said, "and Venus" and added her, and I called for the Angelics, and they all willingly part-merged with me while I did a "monsoon-rain of love" upon it and us. It took a bit but finally it seemed to be smaller with less disgusting overlay.

Then we did a 'bright sun of love' as intense light against it, which (this is common for this kind of symbol) 'dried-out' the insect-like shell and made it fragile and prone to cracking. Then I brought in the 'severe winds of love' (why not?) and pressed against it from all directions until its shell cracked and it went flying off all over the place. I imagined that all those pieces got put in the waste disposal systems of my body and went back to it.

There were now three pieces, of three sizes. They were black and soft but firm, like large elongated eggs. Which felt kind of gross in a way, but much better than the initial arch had. I imagined sending "pure love energy" at their centers, and I asked the Angelics to help me do it right and trusted they would, as they were touching my back again, and I just kept pouring it into the three pieces until I could feel the smallest one starting to reach maximum absorption.

I kept pouring, and suddenly it hit some max-point and the whole outside sort of bloomed from the inside into a colored (pink or purple) fuzzy surface. That was novel. I looked at it for a moment, wondering what on earth it was supposed to be. I had the feeling that it was ok now--this was the final/good state of it. I wondered if that smaller colored piece was supposed to represent Bolehren, the smaller female of the guides.

I worked on the other two pieces. The slightly smaller one eventually did the same thing, except the texture and color were different; soft texture, but darker color, but I couldn't make out exactly what. It reminded me of remote viewing where often I sense something but it's fuzzy so I get the concept but not the detail. Then we worked on the last one, and finally when it inverted/bloomed/whatever, its texture was really long, like thick bear-fur or something. I wondered if this represented Nero.

I was still in a hurry--worried I'd space out in some fashion--so I grabbed something from inside me I can't even remember and put it into the middle of each of the three, and some part of them appeared in me, and I pulled them into me in a merge. The feeling was extremely mild. I'd hoped for better. But I did feel that the most severe part of my resistance has been dealt with and I won't have such an evasion of meditating 'lest I have to deal with my guides' anymore.

I had to work then so that was that.

My boyfriend and I were talking about how if you meditated even once a day you could still do 350+ per year, and as you can often do more than one at a time... well gee, if you spent a year making an effort for these, you could really work through a lot of stuff. We had been talking about how we wanted to do major body parts and systems, astronomy, tarot, every issue in our life, and how long that made the list, but if one really does this work consistently, you can get through quite a lot.

I don't know why I feel like, if I knew WHY I had such turbulence about my guides, that somehow I might feel better about it. Like at least it would make sense to my left brain. But I have the clear feeling inside that if I asked them, I would 'resist' their answer so much I couldn't perceive it.

If they are partially merged with me, does it mean I am afraid of myself? That reminds me of a quote from Bewilderness, when I really was. Wow, 13 years ago, and it still applies today as it did then, I guess.

I don't mind being an archeologist on myself. I just want to know how to classify what I find. Is it a treasure or a virus? What will make me grow? What are the consequences or potential end results of the different ways of growing? [...] I simply can't be the first person to wonder this. I should learn astrology so I can blame being such a pinhead on it.

Bewilderness, chapter 13