I've had the feeling I want something to physically represent them around me. As if I feel the need to "bring them into my reality" more physically. I am still thinking about it. Talismans? Wind Chimes? No idea. But while thinking about it I decided to do an 'image'-based version of a little chart I was keeping with 'where they appeared around me'.
This is the group I originally called 'The Consortium'. A group of some multiple of 4 that was 'a layer out' of "me" -- out from the Four. Not long ago I was wondering why IG had not introduced me, nor had I spontaneously met, any new Consortium members in quite a long time. I had the feeling Nero was suggesting they were complete. I went to my list and realized that made 12. I had guessed at 12 or 16 being the final number.
I went looking for a picture to represent Nero. I thought to myself that I would just enter google terms to match his general visage, then go through pics and see what I felt best about. What I found the instant I started was that he was present and had an opinion of his own. When he saw what he felt was best for me to choose, it had nothing to do with the fact that the man had much darker hair, was younger, had no strong roman nose, and so was rather different to me physically. Something about how *I* felt about the picture -- more a sort of 'my relationship to it and how it made me feel about the person' -- is what matched.
Bolehren was similar. The pic she chose was darker than she, and in my view didn't look a lot like her aside from female with brown hair, but she loved how I felt about the picture (the woman is adorable) and felt that was perfect.
Taan chose a picture that wasn't even a person but I find endearing and funny every time I see it. It matches his sense of humor and the ongoing innate joy he has.
Ray is short and strong but disliked all my dwarf googling (with some disgust) and chose something more like a strong man.
L'Anna was easy because she had appeared in the guise of a TV character to begin with, saying my attention to that character in the previous days was partly coming from her, to make our introduction easier.
Nedlund I have only seen eyes so far. Not close enough or integrated I guess. I'm still waiting to see more of him so I can find something to better match.
Hot ___ I still haven't got his second half of name yet. And he is not as egyptian looking as his pic, or maybe he is moreso but just not that exact thing, but where else is there a pic of something like that, I ask you. (Update: Hot Amanakhaton is his full name.)
Marcan (who originally gave me the name Marcus) also chose a pic for himself darker than he really is to me, and I couldn't remember where I'd seen that real person before until I remembered: a TV character I liked very well once who actually went by the name Marcus in the show (Babylon 5). That seemed a little funny, and makes it more iffy where imagination bleeds into this archetypal game of identifying with internal aspects, doesn't it.
Maelee matches a painting of a woman I cannot find. Hers is temporary until I stumble on something else that matches better. She is blonde with hair pulled back, an intelligent but lovely face, a bit elegant in look. [edited 11/15/09 when I updated this pic: I didn't want to use the actor I found but oddly enough the look in this picture matches her pretty well.]
Ithikah is only the 'shape' he gave me of himself, and rolled out inside me. Nothing comes close to that except that actual shape.
Jared the roman centurion and El Nino his black stallion came out ok. I have been talking with Jared and El Nino off and on lately. Trying to warm Jared up to me. I feel drawn to him but he still acts as if he is separate and slightly resentful of me.
Calmé liked that pic we found. She is darling internally as well.
The four elementals-of-soul in the middle, with IG at top. It is a nice reminder for me. At IG's suggestion I sometimes visualize hugging or holding hands with each of them. Having a sort of visual, no matter how silly it kind of must be to others, does help me establish a thought form place for them inside me.
It's on an otherwise black desktop screen. So fairly dark and decent for meditating.
The irony to all this is that at one time I reacted so badly to any of them. I felt almost hysterical and angry or afraid. And now I feel like I love them and need them and I often feel great gratitude for them, and wonder how it was I could go so long without knowing and feeling them as part of me.
Recently in a half-daydream some woman tried to introduce herself to me as an aeon from a different grouping. I told her to get lost. So apparently the resistance hasn't passed, only to this particular group. They are all so awesome.
I have wondered, is it coincidence that Ithikah is very tall and HA is hugely tall, and they are front and back? Is it coincidence that the two to each side are fair women and both something to do with healing and more, I sense? My impression of their positioning (which they allowed me to put in a circle but had their opinions on how that should work) was always that, as one of them once said, it did matter a little, but not much. It was just mildly representative of our relationship.
I've had a few more conversations about 'awareness' with them. I still don't have much of it. Mostly Nero, when it does come through.
PJ
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1 comment:
MEERKAT!!! <3 <3 <3
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