Dream Collage

I am SO relieved, this is the last of them! This is all the stuff I found in handwritten journal fragments and a few emails. I have more in a 'book two' for bewilderness but I cannot find that file anywhere.

This post is just a collection of thoughts and dreams, nothing important just some shamanic and spiritual and psi and odd stuff, same 'ol. I don't want to lose these pieces esp as some are slightly 'dark side' (which I tend to under-record) and I'm clearing out the physical books, so I'm putting it here for my 'search' posterity. Thankfully future blogging should only be current stuff now.

I have not done any meditating in the few days since I've been collecting this stuff. I see now that a huge edu was needed for me as I'd forgotten a ton of important stuff esp. about the Four, and chakras, and outer guides, and so on, so I feel it was worth the effort.


Journal fragment, June 25, 2008

I was in a dream having a conversation with someone who was a teacher. I asked him, Do you think I should I be learning to deal with negative spiritual stuff? And he said something I don't remember (which implied "No") and then explained at the end of that:

For you should be able to say with a clear heart: "I know nothing of evil; I know only the goodness of the Lord."

Later, I found I was wearing a very beautifully intriguing "black heart" pendant necklace, and I understood that this belonged in nature to a woman who was evil, and that would not be me, and so I gave it back to her, feeling it was not appropriate that I should wear it. Then me and "my people" stood singing Ave Maria for quite awhile.

Despite that went on awhile, and I think other dreams and quite some time passed before I woke up, still when I woke I had his voice and that sentence running through my head so clearly, as if it was set to be the first thing I heard on awakening, to be sure I wouldn't forget it.


Journal fragment, July 22 or 23, 2008

Archmed on fear of failure [specific to conscious psi functioning performance]. The arch was a sickly green and a sickly yellow, humanoid, with a fish head and some things sticking out of him. Long shape through gut, chest, and head was a harpoon! I dissolved it. Cleaned him with water of life. Another tall rectangle stuck out the top of his head. As I dissolved this, the back of my right hand suddenly hurt, I could tell they were related.

I thought, "I sense his fish head means issues from the womb." He said to me, "Also, those passed genetically by parents." (I wondered if this a common symbol or only mine.) He was then in a tuxedo, and we danced in an outdoor ballroom under the stars. I told him I thought fear of failure could sometimes be useful, that I was not trying to destroy him, but it had been so strong that in some areas it interfered with my trying something at all, which defeated the point of my being alive. I asked him to help push me to succeed, instead. I kissed his fishy forehead and took him back to IG. I forgot to ask him for something on/in me but I think it's ok. {Note: this was not a good med; I should have attempted better and complete healing.}


Journal fragment, Feb 8, 2006

Archmed on fear/rage. Big bulky muscled guy. Every time I tried to look directly at it, I had a sharp pain literally in my heart!, and felt massive fear in my gut. Enough work and finally he surprised me by unzipping the bulk and stepping out of himself like most of the outer body had been clothes. Weird. Felt like it worked ok though.


Thoughts. 15Jan06. Technology of prayer

I got into a meditation of prayer. At one point, I nearly shifted into a state I sometimes experienced when doing hands-on energy work. It feels as if "a light opens up in me" from "just in front of me" yet it is also somehow "through" me, heart to crown. It feels as if light comes down via my crown chakra, and "I" am moved slightly backward in my body, just behind center. (It's possible the heart chakra is in the front of the body, like the 3rd eye, not the center, and this is what I'm feeling.) I began praying to be made a better person so I could better serve othres and the greater good. This became a distinct state of mind, one I have not felt before. This led to a thought:

Might there be a technology of sorts for prayer? Some "method" -- or at least, a certain intent -- whereby prayer, like my experience, shifts from being an idea or process, into that "holy communion"? I nearly shifted into it twice, not successfully. Maybe my thinking "about" it instead of just "being" it got in the way. (The primary lesson of my spiritual life involved getting my left brain the hell outta the way and pushing for 'doing' not 'thinking' which sidetracks me into intellectualism.)

So I asked to be taught "how to pray". To really do it right, do it best, not just a mental thing but a full-on powerful energy thing.

I have that new inner guide now. He is kinda pale up close. Has tiny spots on his side I see now, like Dax the 'trill' on DS9. Weird!


Journal fragment, January 20, 2006

In a dream, I was having a discussion with two women and a man. They were identical like triplets. After a few moments, I became suspicious about this. I could feel it just wasn't... right. They were unnaturally too similar in the feel of their energy, especially for having different genders.

"Are you *sure* you're not a trifurcated biological clone?" I demanded, which I know in my head is an intentionally created-being that is actually neither gender.

"Yes," they admit sheepishly.

"I haven't met many of those," I say carefully, trying not to show judgement.

"Oh, there are tons of us. Tons and tons!" they tell me with enthusiasm.

I do often have 'three' in dreams, but it is usually either three things in series or three levels...


Journal fragment, September 3, 2005

I've been thinking. The only thing we truly own is our 'sense of the continuity of identity'. My body changes at every level constantly. The body I claimed last week is not the me of today. By the time I have even a thought about this, the body which began the thinking is no longer quite the same. The only thing remaining from the me of 20 years ago is the potential illusion of my "sense of continuous identity." When I am someone else in a dream I am me. When I am someone else in an RV target I am me. When I was a different person in a different place at a different time 25 years ago, I am me. When I tune into the me in a dream I may have years of history in that reality. It is all me. If the only thing I perceive is, obviously, "my own perception," then how is anything else I perceive independent of me? Doesn't my perception alone force all things into the subjective channel of me?

[a short time after that, the crucixion happened, so maybe that answered that.]


Journal fragment, [date unk]

I am "of" so many things and places and peoples and times, the only thing familiar to me when I get in the flow is the Sun. I feel as if the sun is the one thing that has been a constant in all my lives, in all my worlds, in all my realities, in all my times. I think I understand the 'Ra' concept, and I like the name, because of that. I call it Ra and tell him how much I adore him.


Journal fragment, [date unk]

Quote from Seth: "...The body is composed of living, responding atoms and molecules, and they compose the cells, and these combine to form the organs. The organs possess the combined consciousnesses of each of the cells within them, and in their way the organs sense their own identity." [...] "While you are in this reality there is no division between the mental, the spiritual and the physical. If you think there is, then you do not sufficiently understand the spirituality of the flesh or the physical reality of your thought."


Journal fragment, November 10, 2004

I went to my OG plateau, in prep for another CC med, and the main guide told me I should ask to work with the most substantial block I had.

I said, physical or energy? He said, the physical IS energy.


Journal fragment, [date unk, 2006?]

Today in an archetype meditation on "issues with authority which are manifesting as overwhelming debt", a variety of things went on during the med. The archetype was predictably horrifying. The ones you have a problem with always are. This one was dark and disgusting and sorta slimy and had way too many things going on for a normal body. I cleaned and dried and so on, visualizing various dynamics as needed for healing. When it was done there was still one issue, this weird motion, and I reached in and a snake slithered out of it and I grabbed it and pulled it out and visualized the light-of-love all over it. Normally things morph into something better, but this just disappeared like dissolved.

I said, "What does this mean, I don't get it?"

And the arch said, "Your mild incest as a child with authority figures has set up a belief system geometry that makes them the 'overwhelming unfightable authority' and you the 'vulnerable helpless' one. You live what you know and you've held that pattern."

I said, "Holy shit! You're telling me that incest causes financial problems?" This struck me as sort of absurd.

It said, "No, I'm telling you that *for you*, that experience caused a build of certain energy structures that in your current life are manifesting in this way."

He then 'showed' me in a sort of 'understanding-sequence' that for other people, this might manifest as a bad boss, an invasive mother in law, cops with a tendency to harrass, the list was infinite.

I felt a focus in the bottom front of my right foot, the ball and a little bit forward, and I said, "That is a main body area that relates to this authority problem?" and he agreed.

{I JUST was looking for an answer to this, so it's awesome I found record of that med.}


Journal fragment, July 1, 2006

In a dream, I met a man I saw so clearly it was mind boggling. He had very dark hair, and he was a really big guy. {Later when awake I thought his name might have been "Ben," but I didn't remember that from the dream so it might be wrong.} He had been a remote viewer in some secret military effort, I understood. I perceived him as if he had some kind of family relationship to me. I kept going back around him, and he acted like he couldn't decide if he was happy to meet me or felt weird about it all.

At one point he picked up a couple offbeat things in his hand I can't recall, but I think one was fire and one was wind... but they were objects. He began to go off to use them, and I realized they had connection for use as a prop during psi, in a sort of negative RI kind of way. He saw that I saw, and he looked at me sadly, like that wasn't really who he wanted to be inside, and yet was.

I just couldn't believe how clearly I saw the guy, never seen this person in life that I know of, I suppose it must be 'an aspect' of me or something. I slept at his house, and he woke me up early to exercise. I protested greatly that I see no relation to RV in this. He was really a dominating trainer-bully about it.


Journal fragment, September 2002

I was lucid in this dream but it was a shamanic trap! Sheesh. Either that or even my dreams are getting really paranoid.

In the dream--well actually I was doing something else and the dream was interrupted/changed when a man from Mexico came to find me, asking to travel/stick close to me. Said he'd known and loved my mother very well {she died of cancer when I was 9}, implying that should make me treat him like family. He said he needed shelter because both our governments had unfairly abused him (he showed me pictures of him beat up and bruised), and implied they were responsible for her death.

He assured me that my father also knew him as mom's close friend, but I promptly wondered, "Does dad really know him??" and my father 'pops into' the dream and says to us, "No way, I have no idea who that guy is!" and vanishes. So this other man pops into existence on his side, and validates the guy, and assures me dad just doesn't remember.

The man gives me a box to keep for him, to keep near us, with a subtle implication things in it had been mom's. For some reason we have to part.

I go straight to my close friend X, a soldier and psychic and father figure {in real life}, and I tell him about this. He is instantly distrustful. He takes the box, 'feels' it and then opens it. It's filled with what seemed to be gifts or a woman's things, like crochet needles and such, innocent and pretty. But X says with a growl, "These are weapons." He takes most of the pointy/knife-like things and hides them in his clothing.

He comes with me to find the man, he wants to hunt him down himself, before the guy comes back for me. But we're interrupted by this gorgeous young woman, who sucks up to X and tells me to please go wait 'over there' in a waiting room while they talk privately. X loses all facial expression and looks totally neutral, so I can tell he doesn't trust her at all, but he hesitantly indicates I should go ahead and wait where it's safe and they will talk.

I went into the waiting room and found myself instantly trapped in a weird prison. Another woman stood helpless in there and clearly unhappy about it.

"That's implant #25", the woman said in disgust, about the pretty woman who'd gotten X's attention.

"Impl-- you mean this is a dream, and this woman is like a thought form implanted into the dream by an outside someone or agency?" I said in astonishment.

"Yes," she agreed sullenly. I searched for an escape. "Don't bother," she groused. "There isn't one. It's not like they wouldn't have thought to make it impossible." But I knew how details of my mind often escaped the dream implanters, as I knew I had encountered them before, so I went looking anyway, determined.

I finally found my way out, and I went straight to my friend; the woman had gone. He said quietly to me, "None of this is real. This is all invented solely to get you to allow that man to get and stay close to you."

Then I felt very confused, like my mind was suddenly grey static for a second, followed by it suddenly clearing but now I 'remembered' a brand new sliver about my past I'd never had before. I heard myself blurting out some confession about it to my friend, a thing that might normally be expected to make someone distracted from whatever they're thinking about by that kind of news (something about 'whoring 20 men a day once as a child' or something like that, with an overlay of mind control). But my friend didn't even blink, he instead focused on showing me that the man had provably been lying. As he was showing me this, the man showed up with minions, and they laughed wickedly, intending to kill him, as X yelled at me, "Get down!"

I dropped and rolled, hiding behind a piece of furniture, as sounds of some scuffle ensued. It was mostly quiet and still then, and I dared to peek out. Bodies lay around the floor, with obviously thrown stabbing implements in them, the ones X had hidden in his clothes from that box. He said, "I killed him first, as I trusted him least," pointing at the foreign guy.

Then he took me "somewhere safe" and sat down quietly with me and asked me about the thing I'd said about childhood. I began to tell him, but as I was doing so, somehow it all "shifted away from me" like it no longer existed. I said, "I think I may have accidentally invented that. I don't know. To be honest, I have so many histories of me, that I sometimes have no idea who I am." (I had an overlay of multiple realities and being able to tune into any of them as one's "past".) He nodded as if he understood. He was sitting up against something, and I leaned over and put my head against his chest, finally feeling safe, and fell asleep. A short time later, my alarm woke me up.


Journal fragment, 2004 I think

Perhaps this world is illusion, like the magic spells in our archetypal stories which cause the hero to be lost in the wilderness. When we look and see, we believe what we see. If we look only at where our feet touch our path, and have faith in that, the path may unveil itself to us one step at a time. Look ahead though, and you're lost. Like driving through heavy fog in the dark, we must steer by the tiny strip of white line on the pavement at the side; trying to look into the opaque abyss is suicide.

Maybe my daily life and insecurities are like the confused journey of someone wandering the forest and believing every path they see. Maybe they are valid, but then again: how often do I ask myself with my heart, from the depth of myself that is more than the surface I call me, "what is real?"

What we experience... maybe it depends not so much on where we are, or when we are, or who we are, as what we are. And what we are changes every moment. Not just in body but on more levels than we can count. We are always in a state of 'becoming'. I sense: The human is terrified by the unknown. The mind and ego are forced to work within time, and hold a consistent sense of identity, but every moment is actually the 'new'. Might this be why humans cling so fiendishly to tradition, ritual, and fear of change?

The Narrator is a part of me. I would be less 'me' without him. Yet he also has another existence without me, as I do him. We... 'overlap' and merge where we do. To the extent I focus my attention so he 'comes through' me ("intuitive writing" is his voice, so to speak), I benefit from his... insight. And he benefits from my... energy... or something. It is a tradeoff. As I once wrote--thanks to him--we "pay" attention. It is our rent on reality.

Maybe we are symbiotes, like Judzia Dax, the Trill on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. An old soul in a young body. Maybe the degree of our power from that merge depends on our ability to recognize the parts of ourself which are not the surface genetics we consider our personality.


Journal fragment, date unknown

There is a stronger destiny, I feel, than the mundane world we see. The mundane world that has no interest in psi or spirit. It is the illusion of the forest, enchanting us away from what we 'feel' when who we are touches the path we walk. I know of few people who don't have the sense of 'impending.' Who don't feel that within a dozen years -- if that -- something fairly significant is going to occur. War... probably. First contact... probably. Probability shift?... probably. Someone knows. Probably many someones. And we all know, at some level of consciousness.

I thought to myself, Maybe it is a form of messianic/paranoic insanity to think such things.

Then someone inside me responded, That is the power of the surface-world to dampen your fire and convince you not just of a different path, but that there is no path at all. That because LOGIC in the cold world of illusion doesn't support the idea, you must be insane to think such a thing exists.


Journal fragment, date unknown

Last night Ry said in the kitchen, following a brief joke about tornados, "I'm not going to die. I'm here for a reason, and I haven't done what I'm here for yet." She was perfectly casual about this and continued on what she was doing. Maybe at 8 she is young enough to know. Are we too jaded to hear that from ourselves? Do we have a purpose?

That reminds me that when she was maybe 6?, she was telling me something about her earlier childhood, and she added something casually with a shrug, like, "But I didn't come here until I was about four." I said, what do you mean? She said, "I was only dreaming this life until then. It was just a dream. But then I went into the dream and it became real and I was living here, instead. But I wasn't really here until then."


Journal fragment, date unknown

I met a man (Nestor) who was one of the gifted. He put his hands inside my skin. He gave me energy that saved me and changed my life. He did this for anybody who requested it. He was not a saint. He smoked. He liked beer and Kareoke. He had three kids and was technically catholic. The priests, he told me privately, considered him chosen in some way and felt he should be an example. "Live in a cave in a white robe?" I suggested with a grin, and he laughed yes.

When he touched me that way, I knew he felt me. Psychically. I 'understood' during the experience that this was how it ought to be. Health, I mean. But it was more than that. I could feel the ability inside me. It had a huge feel, like something "on the tip of my tongue." Something that deep on my inside, recognized what he was doing on the outside, and almost, but not quite, made the connection. I had the clear sense that if I could merely stand in his presence while he did this work, for perhaps a few days, that I would get it: that I would be able to do this too; that the "latent ability" was inside me.

It was several years before I realized that the reason he does that work constantly, for all who ask, and seeks it out, and never falters in that, is because he must. Because we forget to remember. Every hour away is a time that a lifetime of habit and culture and perhaps more is pulling us the other way. It requires constant physical, mental and spiritual intent just to keep the connection at its present level. Same with conscious psi I guess.

To grow, perhaps we must "run faster than we can" as the red queen told Alice in 'Through the Looking Glass'. We must exceed ourselves. We must, in short, become--allow ourselves to become--more than we are at the moment we make the choice. And then we are a little bit more connected. And of course, we are also, just a little, someone new.


Journal fragment, July 21, 2002

Archmed on all aspects of my job. The arch was a big white bird. It had a ball & chain around one ankle and an anchor around the other. Boy that's obvious. I removed both of these but he was still stuck in this thick heavy gooey mess. I got him out and cleaned him and fluffed him and he just flew away! I never had an archetype go away instead of inner guide making it vanish, I didn't even think I was done.


Journal fragment, May 6, 2007

I had a session this morning that was hilariously assumedly offtarget (it was a lizard). But it was amazingly educational, someone in my head showing me how the same pretty complex data about form, dynamic, sequence, relationship, could come through to me in so many totally different ways. It's my ability to allow it and correctly interpret it that matters. The same data came as people, as 'biologicals', in a daydream, in a full-on 3D movie, as 'geometries', and as something I can't explain that managed to be information without being anyTHING, literally demonstrating that we don't have to perceive something we have no mental model for. We can perceive it objectified as best we can, and perceive the rest in any imaginable way, and still "get it".


Journal fragment, September 26, 2006

Me and another were on a quest to learn/find/become something. A man who was also some other kind of spiritual creature, he came to us and said something like, "OK, if you would learn..." And he slapped down this thing for each of us: small, red, glowing, yucky sorta, that we would need to swallow. The other person hesitated, but I grabbed it and ingested it as fast as I could before I changed my mind. And it changed me into something completely different. But there were 'cycles' of time or motion and with each, I saw more of myself on the surface, until by the end, I was all me again.

After seeing it was safe, the other with me ate theirs, but nothing happened. We both understood... it was too late. The courage was part of it. Because I had succeeded in this, I got to visit "the beautiful one"... some woman.

There was a man who had given up one of his organs (on death) and another man was using it now. The second man was on stage talking to people. The first man (who had given the organ) appeared, and he was a very unusual indigo blue pulsing color to me. He was so fascinated with the man who had received his organ that he wound his way closer to the stage, until suddenly he was right in front of him, so couldn't be missed. I wondered if this would cause the receiving man to remember something of the others' life?

Then I was "sitting in on" the experience of the second man on stage. He did finally notice the other man, but what he saw was nothing like what I saw. He didn't see the pulsing indigo blue color at all. He saw the man except with this symbol like the eyes and mouth seemed "grown over with skin" or something weird and scary like that, and he literally passed out! I worried he'd have some kind of heart attack or relapse just from the bizarre shock of it.


Journal fragment, August 13, 2007

{This was evening of Ry's birthday. Earlier that day I had said a prayer to the spider Deva, asking it please to have all its people get out of my house and garage, because we were going to use bug-bombs (mostly for fleas) that would kill anybody left. Ry slept with me. No big deal and I didn't think about it again.}

I was in a dream with Ry, and while we were in the dream, a spider deva arrived to talk to me.

Ry started to freak out, she's so afraid of spiders, but she couldn't helped be soothed by the Deva's effect: She was BEAUTIFUL. She was on this big web that sparkled like a diamond net in a starry night. It was awe-inspiring. She came closer and closer to us and I was telling Ry, It's ok. She's here because I just sent her a message earlier.

After a minute of commune with her I said to Ry, I see. She wants to know WHERE her people should go for safety. I told her to get them out, but not where they should go!

I woke up and remembered the dream, and I hope I got through to her they should be going out to the backyard. I imagined it from every angle above and around and in the house and physically said and pointed, too. Then I told C not to kill any spiders if she saw them in the meantime (on their way out).


Journal fragment, April 3, 2008

In a dream, I nearly died and was miraculously saved in some highly improbable situation, at which point, a man appeared. He attracted me, and yet frightened me, as if he were
physically powerful yet spiritually cold.

He told me I was the 'something', I can't remember the word, but it was a sort of messianic role.

I didn't take him seriously. I said with humor, "As long as this doesn't mean I'll have to die nailed to something, or be killed in some big focus drama, that's fine with me!" and laughed.

He didn't laugh. He said, "Actually, it does."

I was a little taken aback but I tried to be careless and flippant.

"Man, hate it when that happens!" I said, rolling my eyes and shrugging.

I fell asleep (in the dream) and found myself in a bookstore, browsing. I was looking to find a book that would help me with the issue of the man. "You have to *believe*," some part of me said. "Like when you're trying to manifest parking spaces. You have to believe that it's not only possible but *probable*." {Sounds like Nero, who often helps in dreams.}

I found an odd looking book and pulled it out. It was missing most the pages but some in back. The front of the book had embedded in its cover this oversized front of a cat's boney skull, like maybe some kind of wildcat (large). I blew on it to blow the dust off, and a star-shade began to detach. {That is how I perceive spirits-of-dead in remote viewing, as a cross between 'star' and 'shade'.} I realized a portion of the spirit of the cat had remained with the book, and maybe that was the point of it of course, but I also understood that it deserved to be free, so I kept blowing until it was fully released.

Later (now awake in the dream), I was flying home in a flying machine that was failing. A female teacher I used to have was worried for me, and asked that man to save me, even though she, in her ignorance, didn't know this man was actually my greatest threat and a scary dude. But he did save me from that, though I wasn't sure I wouldn't have been ok anyway.

But then he saw the book I had and froze. Demanded to know how on earth I had come by it. I discovered there were only four of these in our whole world and understood he'd been trying to come by it for eons. I also understood there was info in it that would help me, and that related to him, and to whatever I innately 'was'.

Then my stupid alarm went off.


Journal fragment, various dates

I found pieces of several dreams where a child who had tiny, or missing, or deformed, legs (always legs, sometimes body too), a child that was "mostly head", was being recognized, and we were calling it by some name I understood implied "a living god born on earth" to the East Indians.


Journal fragment, June 11, 2008

I wondered, why must be we have bad experience? Why can't we just learn from good experiences? Apparently this dream was a response to that. Sheesh I was almost sorry I asked!

Entities/aliens arrived at a planet and told the people they could make their lives so much better. They could make it so everyone was happy. And as a bonus, people could regularly (like a vacation) do anything they wanted, like be a rock star, or care for horses, or whatever they would find fulfilling.

Because the people were idiots, the promise of happiness caused them to vote it in. And nearly all of them were promptly removed to what amounted to a gulag. A tiny few were left to care for the tiny part of the planet that the people could still have; all the rest of the planet now belonged to the aliens.

They had a technology that worked remotely, based on frequencies. It It scanned the body and could find negative emotion, which was often paired with memory. And it zapped it. You couldn't have it for more than a few seconds before it would remove it and any memory it paired with as well.

Once every X period each person in the gulag got to go to the planet and be whatever they wanted to be. Like care for horses for example. The stables were filled with rotting corpses of horses not cared for, because nobody on the planet or visiting could deal with the 'negative' stuff that needed to be done. But once someone saw this horror, the memory was removed from them. So when they went 'home', they believed and told everyone of the ecstacy and beauty they experienced, because they could only remember the good parts.

On one occasion I watched this young boy fall into the river. A vacationer jumped in to get him out, but the pollution of the river and the stress of the little boy drowning was a negative, so the scanner got her and she forgot what she was doing right in the middle of it and he drowned. The father, who lived locally, was very upset about the death of his boy, but then it zapped his emotion and memory, and someone was pointing out that he had yet another son, so after a few minutes he felt happy enough.

It showed a woman who wanted to be a famous singer, and the camera and screen that was showing her performance was all trashed, beat up and half fake, but the scanner was taking all her negative response right as it happened, and so all she would remember when she went home, were the pieces her mind would sketch or piece together and make new sense of, of the good stuff.

The lesson was that not wanting to feel something negative was the most horrible nightmare imaginable. A people who had made that trade had no idea what they were getting themselves into. They were happy cows after that obviously, but it annihilated what they inherently were and all their potential, and they traded all freedom (and their planet) for this ridiculous, accurate but deadly, promise of "happiness."


Journal fragment, June 17, 2008

In a dream I was traveling and had about a week of layover. I was at a bar in the evening like at a hotel, talking to this man to the left of me. He was telling me that he was on his way to someplace I can't recall, to visit this man who was some kind of master, shaman or guru, for "soul retrieval". This guy, he was telling me, was the real deal, and it was all really amazing. I realized that this was not a coincidence that I'd met him. That I had to come up with a way to get to this man with him, even if it took my last dollar, because nothing was more truly important to my life. I had just made the decision when I woke up.

Letter fragment, date unknown, spring 2006 I think

Spontaneous psi isn't all that common but I usually dismiss it.

One day I was sitting at this contract job making an org flow chart, and as I moved a photo layer over in Illustrator I 'knew' utterly that this was the guy who really liked little blonde girls and paid big money to collect child porn his wife didn't know about. Now that was something I could have done without knowing! I shrugged it off. Couple days later I was walking to the store down the street of my tiny new town, population less than 900. I was thinking about whether I should mow the lawn or wait another weekend, when a beat up old farm truck (that describes nearly every vehicle there) goes rambling past. As I casually look past it--didn't even look at the driver closely--I had an intense "ping" on me of "knowing" that he was a Nazi, and I mean the old fashioned kind, part of a formal local group, and really ruthless. I went in the house and told L about this. I shrugged it off, probably imagination, and went out and mowed. During that just for quirks, L does an internet search and it turns out our tiny little town had a Nazi chapter of its own no less, they'd met weekly at the tiny firehouse half a block away from our house for many many years, until just a few months before we moved in (dunno where they are now). Course that doesn't prove anything about that guy, except to my gut.

Cats must find me. There was the time I called home (from work, an hour away) and insisted to L that I had decided I wanted him to go with me to the shelter right when I got home, and find us a grey tabby female kitten (my fave sort of cat). He says well ok... wait, wait, the dogs are going crazy.... and he goes outside, and the dogs are flipping out over what looked like a drowned rat and turned out to be a grey tabby female kitten (in the rain). I can't believe they didn't eat it--I'd seen them swallow huge gophers whole!! --what are the odds, I ask you? No clue where it came from. L (being a total airhead) actually put the tiny little soaked thing outside the fence where the dogs couldn't get it and tried to leave. It wailed pitifully until he went back and brought it in. He didn't realize until he got it dry that it was a grey tabby girl, about 7-8 weeks old. He named her Rene, for Descartes, as she would stand on his shoulder.

One time in Seattle, L never would shut the door right, and I had the baby in my arms, and sure enough the storm blows freezing mud-rain into the house, wakes up the baby, and nearly gives me a heart attack happening suddenly at 4am or so. I put the baby down, stomp to the door just enraged, and I push the door shut and just as it shuts and I am moving away, fury overtakes me (this thing with the door had happened so many times!), and I whirled around and hissed loudly at the door, flinging my fingre out in a point at it, "I OUGHTTA NAIL THAT F---ING DOOR *SHUT*!!" I felt better, and I picked up the baby and that was that. Except later when L went to open the door to go take a smoke, he realized... he couldn't. The door wouldn't open. I hadn't even touched the knob, nor did I slam it--I pushed it shut on the wood a couple feet higher than the knob and I had shut it normally. It was about 2 seconds after that, when I was a few steps away, that the rage hit me. He flat out could not get the door open AT ALL. It took three days and finally tearing the entire doorknob out (and going out the window to work on the other side from the balcony) in order to get the door open. There was no visible reason why. It was inexplicable.

There was one time I was in Oregon, sleeping on the floor at a friends' house. I was SO exhausted, having driven through the night. It was early morning, and I was on the 2nd story. Someone in the parking lot below was trying to start a car over and over, but it wouldn't start. I was ~50-60% asleep. It kept up, very noisy, then I was about 30-40% asleep. Then I just accepted, as I was half in the dreamy mode so not being very critical, that I 'understood' that the driver was a young man, that he was going to be late for work if it didn't start, that his boss had told him if he was late one more time he'd be fired, and he so sincerely and desperately was doing his best, but his stupid old car wouldn't start. I could FEEL his feelings of desperation and nearly crying in frustration. He would crank the ignition and it would do that nyuh-nyuh-nyuh-nyuh sound for awhile and then he'd let it rest briefly. Finally, I felt compassion for him, and in dream-logic, I just reached up with my right arm and stabbed my finger into the air abruptly and 'started it' at the far point of the finger, like BAM! ---No big deal. I was enough in dream to believe I could, but enough awake to be physically moving and acting on stuff in my reality. It started the instant I intended it to, and I dropped my arm down to the blanket and sighed in relief, but "felt" him feeling this UTTER astonishment--he hadn't even been trying to start it at that point! It just started itself! I grinned at that, at how funny it struck me that he was so freaked out, but I was SO weary, so I turned over and went back to sleep, and that was that.


Journal fragment, June 2008

Gosh I had a bad sleep experience last night. First, I kept slowing down to nearly stopping in my breathing, which is normal, I breathe shallowly. But when I haven't breathed for awhile, and my oxygen level for the heart/brain starts getting critical, my body brings me closer to the surface of waking and goes 'breathe!!' and I take a deep breath. That's normal. Except last night when I tried, I couldn't. It was literally like there was this pressure on my chest or lungs, so that when I finally needed to take a breath desperately, suddenly it was against me doing so. This happened repeatedly, while my body gave me instant dreams to try and help me, insisting that I breathe right NOW and take a DEEP breath. Weirdly, I was lucid enough to understand exactly what was going on, but my body was still mostly asleep.

I finally woke up, went back to sleep, and it happened again! Except the second time I woke up, after a lot of this, I felt like it was *personal.* Like it wasn't some inexplicable body thing, but that some person, individual, was actually attempting to target me at a moment matching that 'sleep apnea during sleep critical oxygen need' moment, and try to stop me getting the O2. I would die in my sleep, it would be ruled a heart attack.

I felt this so strongly, no matter how completely irrational and paranoid that is, that I determined to order a gel sleep apnea mask today online and start wearing the damn machine.

{This happened many more times for about a week. Then it changed and happened but differently for another week, and that continued, diff approach for a week each, for about a month, then it stopped for awhile, then picked up again, then stopped again.}

PJ

Black and Red: The Castle

After awhile of the Four being gone, I saw them now and then in dreams, only at a distance and briefly. I barely remembered the fragments, but did remember that they were so young. Like small children, even though they looked the same. And then older children, and then teens, and then the next time I saw them they seemed normally matured. I wondered what that meant.

I was standing on the edge of my plateau one day, looking a bit blankly off into the distance from up high. I felt alone. I had only seen the Four distantly and barely, in dreams, aside from that first meditation with IG. I knew they were back, or reborn, or whatever, but that brain-knowing didn't make up for the heart-lonely of not having them interact with me.

After awhile, it occurred to me that maybe if I wanted them back in my life I could do something to welcome them. Make a place for them inside me manually, so to speak. I focused on the edge of the cliff some distance away, and hollowed much of the cliff out around one square area on the edge, making it a stand-alone piece of high stone, separated from all around it, so you had to fly to reach it.

I built a small 4-sided square white pavilion on the top, using as materials for some of the building silver and gold, lapis lazuli and jasper. There was a big, tall and wide doorway in the middle of each of the four sides of the small building, and a high ceiling, so lots of air ran through it. When it was done, I flew in and stood on the floor in the middle and looked out the front doorway. It seemed as if I was looking over a blue sea and a blue sky, even though I was over a desert terrain on a grey day until I went through the door.

I said a small prayer: I love you, how I miss you, please come home to me. But after awhile, they were not there with me, and a little sadly, I decided maybe that wasn't going to work. I went back to the plateau and did something else.

I forgot about it. It was rather distant from where I sit and interact on the plateau, and I didn't go over there. For the next many days, I meditated on simple things, body things, chakras, and sometimes just stopping in to see Brin and Stet, my outer guides, to bore them with what I'd like out of my daily life.

Journal Fragment, Dec-Jan 2005/6

A man, who had another man with or within him, brought me a dark haired woman. {The Four.} He told me her story; it sounded like her life had been so restricted, often in personal and emotional ways. The man had a long rectangle cubic shape, that had four panels around the sides, each of golden light. This had some key importance.

He gave us one panel and said we should go into the world and find a place to settle and develop. We traveled until we found a valley that looked just like the shape he had, so we knew it was 'our land'. We planned to live on opposite sides, and cultivate the space between us, but to begin we'd start together as there was only one small house at one end.

We went into town the next day, a tiny rural area, into a small store. Locals were asking questions, and the woman kept saying things that were true, but that I knew the people did not want to know. I wanted her to stop before they ran us out of town or burned us at the stake or something. She didn't seem to understand she could not just be honest and open with everybody. They were reacting badly, looking furtively at each other. We went back home that night, and I noticed the prices they had charged us after not liking her were insanely high; we couldn't afford to live there for long.

We were shocked to discover our house had bugs. Two specific kinds: a dark, fat-bodied bug like a gigantic black tick, about 1/2 to 2" big. The other a medium-light colored, roach-like body, the same size. Any food that fell anywhere for even a split second the bugs instantly went to and ate. I realized with there would be no way to keep them not only from making our house disgusting, but they'd surely eat our crops, too! [Earlier in the night before the dream, I had considered how we "pay" attention, and how attention is constantly ours and being played out, and it's only a matter of whether we bother to "pay attention to what we are paying attention to," so to speak. I had imagined telling Ry that "attention is like energy or food, and we have to be careful what we feed." I suspect this is involved in the dream symbology.]

Then the panel the woman had brought with us, morphed into a man with some relationship to her, it was the dark tall man and somehow he had the "rectangle" shape of the panel, the shape that the valley of our home was set in. He wore a red sweater that went down to mid-thigh and nothing else, and I understood he was part of our life and location. {Senior.} I worried that if the local people knew about him they would flip out.


This morning after being awake some time I decided to go back into the arch world. I went in and said hi to OG and went in to IG and asked if I should do any meds. He gave me Sun, and we had a fabulous time, and I felt very good.

As I was about to leave, IG asked if I'd consider doing another med before I went. He held out his hand and there was a small dark, complicated thing in his palm. I said, Oh my God. Tell me this is NOT a bug! He seemed to think that was funny and shrugged like, "Wellllllll since you don't want it to be...."

So I worked on the tiny dark complicated thing in his hand as an archetype. I cleaned, and lubricated, and sanded a bit, and so forth to make whatever-it-was that I couldn't really make out, the best it could be. And finally once I did everything I could think of for it, it sort of unfurled in a stretch and I realized it had opened up into a little tiny person except small enough to fit in his palm.

I thought that was kind of funny and I brought that arch over to the side and 'supersized him' so he would be a normal person-size for working with, and then I saw that it was black and a tall rectangle, and then I realized that it was the same man from my dream, which was when I realized that he really HAD begun a 'bug' -- I hadn't wanted to see that so I didn't, is all -- and that in my dream, the bug, the man, the panel, and the landscape, were all the same thing somehow, that was all the same "symbolic energy".

I have often thought of dreams as symbolism but I had never really thought of "most the major elements of a dream," which are completely different, all being the SAME energy manifesting in different forms. This is when it 'hit me' that many times over the years, when I dream of the Four, we've had the "black/white and male/female" symbology, and the senior is often a black or red man, sometimes not just black skinned like people in our world but literally BLACK like a chess piece. I realized that the energy of the dream was "him". He was almost everything -- the landscape, the bug, you name it. It was like a dream composed of him, not entirely but mostly. This brought a further understanding, as if to clarify: the ignorant, hostile townspeople were the same energy as the small groups of locals who had crucified each of my Four, earlier. And the woman of course was the Queen.

Journal Fragment, January 11, 2006

Today is my 11th day of consecutive meditation. You know you have an issue with consistency when you count stuff in days like it's a newborn. I sat down on my bed with my Narnia music. Here is the approach I'm using right now:

I look for a pattern in myself, I look for "what I am avoiding." And then I send myself toward that. If I find I am veering off and avoiding it, then I *know* I need to meditate on that, or in that way, or whatever, so that's what I do.

Tonight I couldn't get to the high desert plateau that is my home space, which takes what, 1/10 a second? I finally realized I was in denial of meditating. I know my psychology is starting to react to the internal changes, but I'm determined to stay on course. I bring myself back to center and with grim resolve I forcibly roll out my space around me.

But I'm lost. There's some kind of foliage in my face and all around me. I can't figure out where the heck I am -- I mean, I went to the precise spot I always do, but this is NOT my chair on my plateau. I'm in the chair but I'm stuck in bushes! I can't see well and I am really confused and disconcerted. I yelp for Brin and Stet and as they show up, I am flying up into the air so I can look down on wherever I am, and I'm wailing, "Where AM I?" and one of them says, "In the garden."

The garden? What garden?! I realize I am looking down on this huge, maybe 1/4 mile long by 1/8 mile wide, rectangle 'garden'. There are brick walls maybe 12' high around the edges and then everything back from that on my side is like forest. In the huge long center is a shallow pool that goes from one end (where I am) to the other, but has a pattern in it that twists in a way sort of like macrame, or a 2D version of a joined doublehelix. There is a lovely colorful stone-ceramic walkway straight through it. {I just realized that the garden is the 'shape' of the Senior.} At the other far end, to my right, is a big, beautiful castle of some kind.

I look at my guides. "I don't HAVE a garden or castle in my inner space!" I tell them in exasperated confusion, but I know they know. "How the heck did this GET here? Isn't it MY sacred space? How could anything happen here without MY doing it? I mean yes I have given lots of general energy for my inner world, but this is a little invasive don'tcha think?! Ye gods, it's huge!!!" They just look at me and say nothing.

So I fly over the garden until I get to the castle, and I land on a big balcony porch at its side. The visuals are really great, really intense and clear and complex. Not as good as the 'eye' meditation, but that one borders on a religious experience so I shouldn't compare to it. Still they were really nice. I go into the castle and it's big and light colored inside, seems more modern than ancient. I run through rooms looking for someone, anyone. I find all kinds of lovely rooms of stuff, but no people. I finally go into one room and it's really big -- and my two eldest elementals of soul are there. {Senior and Queen.} They are sitting on thrones like they're holding court. There's lots of people all over.

I try to sneak around the back of the room behind all the people so nobody will see me. While I'm doing this though, my left brain is arguing, Wait a minute. This is all 'me', right. So how could I fool 'me'? Shouldn't I just sort of tell them not to see me? It's my world, right? But the Two look right at me quickly, and the whole room turns and silences. I stop in place, a little embarrassed that everybody's now staring at me, and I fly up to where they are and say quietly to them, "I'm -- well I'm, you know, I'm really really glad to see you. But why are you here? I mean like... HERE?"

They indicate this is where they live, and they're having a party. Now that I'm up where they are I can see a second lower level right behind where I'd been standing and it's filled with people, and they're waltzing, and there are musicians in clumps all over, and there are tables with food and drink and a whole wall of columns that open in front to an azure sky and a big balcony like the one I came in through on the side. That part nearly started reaching toward the complexity and vivid level of the eye meditation. Mindblowing! I was just mind-boggled for a minute, staring at it, realer-than-real. (Who needs drugs??)

Then I turned back to them and said, "Well, ok." But I felt disconcerted. Me in the bushes and this gigantic castle where I didn't put it. I'd never argue with them, they're my soul, but I hadn't thought of my sacred space being for anybody but ME.

They said something to me like, "What would you like?" I don't know what I was going to say, but this is one of the occasions when I realize that as 4th of 4, my surface personality here is really only 'part' of it; it's a deeper/larger identity, the 4th. I found myself just blurting out, Please help me find him. I meant my mate, the 3rd of 4. I'm so lonely. Please, I miss him so much. I love having you but I need him too. They nodded graciously at me. The whole environment was so archetypally royal.

Then I realized that I had still not gotten to the meditation I came in to my plateau to do, because I was so wonderfully distracted by this amazing castle. It's ok to explore new things, to interact and so on, but you can't let it keep you from your plans, or you just invite every energy that doesn't want something done to throw itself in your path like fascinating mental confetti... I learned that long ago. I do have to get to the work eventually.

So I nodded goodbye to them, and I ran out the rooms and down stairs and out the front this time, to find the castle was overlooking a lovely blue ocean. (Cair Paravel! - this is what I get for listening to Narnia music!) I flew up and back over the 'garden' and landed by my chair in the bushes.

My outer guides were still there, by the chair. "Where," I demand of them, recalling how they said nothing useful at all last time we talked, "IS MY PLATEAU?!"

They both point to their right, which is my left, past the end of the garden. I fly up and bring them with me and as I look, one of them is telling me, "Well it grew, and it was pretty huge, so it sort of pushed out the land. Everything is like normal, just moved over to fit in the castle landscape." I looked at it all for a bit, and put my chair where it belonged, and went down and sat in it.

Grumpily. I know I should be thrilled, and now I feel mostly better, but at the time I was just... well you know. I guess I don't like surprises. I am such a control freak. But it's MY inner world, shouldn't I have the right to be?

And then I suddenly understand: It GREW! I built a place for them in my sacred space, and they showed up for it!! They made it into some big and glorious and powerful, so much more than the simple thing I had begun with. I just sat there as if my astral mouth were hanging open in astonishment or something. I had totally forgotten about the pavilion. I had been barely peripherally aware of it the previous days.

It was so amazing to me that without my assistance, and when I had consciously forgotten, apparently the energy of my mind, or from somewhere, built this entire VERY complex thoughtform while I wasn't even looking. That just astounded me. I know, I used to do these meditations enough that I should know the autonomy the entire world and its inhabitants begin to take on after awhile if you're consistent -- but I had forgotten.

So they came when I called. Wow!!

They are alive. They came to me and 'grew' organically into a garden and castle in the middle of my stone plateau. That's so amazing.

Later, Brin brought me Dor. I told him, I didn't realize an Outer Guide could function like an Inner Guide. He said everything is relationships and all guides can and often do work with each other as well as with me.


Journal Fragment, January 12, 2006

I dreamed I was a young woman living in another reality/time, but I was aware it's in the area I call {in this world} Hawaii. It was wild, like jungle.

I was lying on my back in the earliest morning, on a mat on the ground like a woven mat, and it felt like this huge flat-thick-rectangular blob of crazy "energy" lowered onto/into me, and it just completely blew me away as an amazing "religious experience". I felt so changed.

Later, I was telling people about it, and they all felt that I had experienced something they had a name for, but I can't remember the word. (It seemed when I woke up, it was something culturally-akin to 'the holy spirit'.) I was saying to my friends and family, you know, I always thought that would be like an internal spiritual thing, but I'm here to tell you that was as physical as it gets! -- it had felt like {what I would now call} technology to me.

There was much reaction from my people about how I was 'touched by the gods,' and people started treating me differently. I started wearing some kind of headdress, a short cloth-like thing on my head that had a little band around it that held it on, it was light colored and shaded my face a little.


In a separate dream after that, it was a bad dream, I wonder if it relates to the Four dying. I found this lovely blue little bird and I put it safely into a cage. Then I came in a room JUST as one of my cats was ripping it to pieces. I was freaking out trying to save it, and one of its legs was missing... then sudden next scene, I came into a room just in time to see one of my cats limp in, torn up all over and bloody... then sudden next scene, I came into a room just in time to see this big dog, the sort I would love, it was sliced all over like someone had attacked it with a knife... ugh. Yucky feelings. There was more but I don't remember.


Journal Fragment, January 22, 2006

I was sleeping, while both watching and being a woman who was keeping watch on a bridge. It was a high, long, big metal suspension type bridge, subject to wind, reminding me of a bridge I used to drive in Washington state.

There was this big, terrible giant hole in the bridge. At first, it seemed fine except that. But I got a side view of the bridge, and we saw that it had other problems: many "patches", some coming loose or not fitted well, in various places through the length of it. Any car that drove to this hole unaware, the results would be terrible. It was such a horrible hole, and such a long way down.

She paced in front of the 'wound' on the bridge, is how it actually felt, sometimes going up high to sleep, but not really being able to, worrying about, what IF. What if some cars come? I was having a hard time sleeping well, I realized, understanding that I was dreaming near the surface uncomfortably because she was having a hard time sleeping at all, and we were one, on some level, and she was so nervous about something that involved us both, that it was bothering me too.

I'm going to use that bridge as a symbol in an archmed.

*

{I did, later. It went well, and the 3rd came with a team of soldier-workmen and he managed most of the work getting done.}

So I understand now that the colors of the Senior (who is King) are black and red, and his shape is a long rectangle. This actually makes sense to me which only proves I must be crazy. I understand now why he tells me to come to the Tower; probably I need to regularly 'pay attention' to keep that thoughtform strong.

I understand now that a single energy can take the form of many different things in the same dream -- or reality. Things 'relate' to each other if you know what to look for, things of the same energy, like his colors and shape. Oh hey that reminds me of 777 and the QBL "correspondences," I wonder if this is what that relates to?

Wounds and broken things are the same thing in different models. I didn't realize that.

PJ

The Crucifixion of the Trinity

In Autumn of 2005, in September, the month I turned 40, the other three elements of my soul died.

It was a strange thing, I think now. It had been in mid 1994 that my 'illusion' of soul and self had been ripped from me, in the Nothingness experience that I'd had to 'sacrifice myself' to. I had nearly committed suicide after that, a biological empty shell, a walking corpse without the god-light inside me. After a few months, the divine inside me I called The Blue Eyes of Soul saved me, brought me to understand I could never truly be separate from anything, and I sobbed my way into almost being normal again that night. Although in reality it took literally years before I was truly enough past that to not feel like it was still haunting me.

I would not have thought there was anything else that could affect me on that level, that inexplicable deep inner self the size of a universe, but apparently there was.

*

I don't know if these other two things are related, but they were going on with me before the experience occurred so I feel like I should mention them.

First, I began to dream that I had died in my sleep. (This was not at all impossible, health-wise.) I would realize I was in some landscape of the newly-dead, surrounded by people who mostly didn't realize it yet, but were gradually getting a clue. I would realize I was dead, and would wonder what I needed to do to get back to life while I still could, would follow the intuition, find some form of barrier, would try to get through, and something would step in to help remove me from that world and set me back in the living world and I'd wake up.

Second, I had a growing daily feeling of inner desperation. I was aware of it but kind of numb to it. I felt as if there was some window of spiritual opportunity and expectation, a time-based "probability" window, and the Four were leaning harder on me to get with it, get aware, work with them, but I wasn't doing it. I was exhausted and distracted in my daily life and couldn't seem to hold a focus for anything. I have often had that 'window with time limit' feeling mildly, but this was a whole new level of desperate emphasis on it. I started to feel like I was "blowing it" on some level, almost anger but not quite. I would often dream of the Four. They were getting frantic, I observed on awakening, but then I told myself they were surely just imagination anyway. That was another world. They begged me to "see". But I wouldn't.

Then one night I had a dream and for the first time ever I finally 'saw' the Senior clearly and interacted with him. I could feel some energy had shifted in me. I felt that had great meaning, that finally I had fully connected with him.

And then a few days later I had a long, linear, hyper-intense nightmare.
The kind that reaches through your guts and into your soul.
The kind that you're still traumatized about years later.

*

I had become separated from them (the other 3). I was looking for them. I could "feel" that my mate/twin was in trouble. I had to get to him.

I was in a big metro-style city. It was abandoned, empty shells of skyscrapers, an echoing 'feeling', a coldness. An unnatural quietness as I tried to follow my inner feelings to find him. The entire landscape had a couple feet deep of liquid on the ground, city-wide flooding, something that was not water at least mostly, a "weird" liquid with such a yucky vibe. Now and then as I ran around, searching, I would see rogue groups of people running from one place to another, crazy little groups sticking together and acting like a mob, but otherwise the whole city was deserted.

I finally found him. He was at the front of a radical small mob of city dwellers, and they were killing him, literally crucifying him on a pole set above them, murdering him for some reason I was not clear on except that they found him different than themselves. Frantic and panicked and not knowing how to save him, desperate but helpless, I ran to him and looked into his eyes. He looked at me with such profound love I felt like my heart was going to explode.

I knew this was coming, he told me. I am letting it happen. I am taking this for you . . . I love you. And then some extra rush of violent enthusiasm took the crowd and they finished his murder. I FELT him die inside me, a sudden yawning emptiness where that integral part of me had always lived. I screamed and tried to fling myself upon him but the crowd held me back, oblivious to me for some reason. I was overcome by the horror of it, in stunned disbelief despite the feeling inside and the scene before my eyes, and I suddenly couldn't even breathe in the grief of it.

But then I thought of the Queen. I had to find her. And I ran from his body, feeling her nearby, and I saw a mob of people. The word "rabble" came to my mind, and I knew this had to be where she was. I ran into the crowd and fought my way through it, only to finally see her tied to something up high on display, bloody and broken as the mob shouted in their ignorant insanity and determination to kill her. It felt as if this was intentional on some level, it was in fact her very holiness, her light, that set her apart. And as I finally got near to her body, she felt me trying to get to her, and she lifted her head and looked into my eyes, and I knew she loved me so profoundly, but her eyes told me: this is the way it has to be. Then she slumped in place and I felt her leave me inside, a sudden emptiness where I had never suspected such a terrible thing could be, and I was standing there in profound shock, all the screaming in me too deep to vocalize, when I thought of the Senior.

Oh my god. Literally. My Senior, the holiest part of our soul, I had to find him. I ran, feeling in my gut a sense of direction, and had a terrible sinking feeling as I followed the rabble shouting of a small group, and I knew with that pit-of-stomach feeling that he would be literally in a crucifixion scenario with them also. I managed to finally fight my way to him, so filled with horror and grief at that point I couldn't even speak or cry as I just stood there by him. And he looked into me, and he knew me as a primal part of himself, and he had such love for me it was infinite and eternal, and then he just... allowed them to kill him. I stood there still, limp, as I felt his part of my soul stripped away from me.

At some point, I finally looked around, and realized all the people were now gone. The city was well and truly a forlorn past relic now, like some post-armageddon empty desolation, the weird gross fluid still all over the ground, and I knew I was utterly alone in the universe.

And my body woke up. But I knew it was 'real'. My mind hadn't really been asleep, only my body. I felt as if some part of me were just crawling out of the dreamspace like even my dream body was nearly destroyed from the grief of it.

In forlorn need, as if only shreds of me were left to struggle toward even this, I went to see Inner Guide and my Outer Guides, to share with them my unspeakable grief. I opened up my plateau area, normally at that time filled with all kinds of identities and IG, to find only emptiness.

I stopped, looking around me half-numbly as it dawned on me. A cold wind blew over the dusty rock of the plateau in a deep silence, as if to emphasize there was not a single piece of soul there. I realized they were gone totally, they had left me too. They had abandoned me, I felt. I "slammed shut" the doorway to that world and ran away.

I didn't meditate at all for three months. I couldn't even let myself think about it. It brought such deep upset I just stuffed it down inside me.

*

I bawled my head off writing the above! -- and it's been over four years since then.

It has taken me days to force myself to get to this account. I knew from the start THIS is the thing I needed to review, and the reason for the inner push to collect old stuff. I've kept putting it off, then starting and 'getting distracted' or doing something else within a sentence or two.

I had to stop typing at the end of each of the three paragraphs about their deaths and just cry with deep racking sobs for awhile. It's crazy how deeply this affects me, even now, even though they finally were returned to me so I am no longer without them.

*

Now, that is clearly tied to a dream experience I had when I was almost age 16, though I don't get the sync. It was so impactive it haunted me for years, though nothing at all like the above. In the dream, I was in a suite at the basement level of a many-storied building like a hotel, with my best friend of the time, Anna. There was an elevator that opened up into the room we were in, and suddenly I could hear that the car many stories above was plunging freefall down toward us and was going to crash at the bottom. I whirled around and tackled Anna behind a sofa to protect us, as that whole area erupted with noise and violence as the elevator cart slammed into the ground at our level, and part of the building in that area flew like an explosion.

After a minute, I got up and picked my way through the rubble to the doorway of the elevator. A strange, horrible fluid was all over the ground inside it several inches deep, and the smell of it was so primal-gross, like it was something biological, the fluid from burned flesh or something that my body recognized with ultimate-horror. Lying on the floor dead were three people. They all looked similar, white-blonde hair and very blue eyes. Two were older than me but the same age as each other, and a younger brother was my age. I remembered that I had known them well and loved them, and I had something extra akin to a special crush with the younger one who was 'for me'. I looked down at their bodies, oddly unmarked, and at the weird fluid, and I felt something I had no words for but that completely overcame me.

I woke up and bawled my head off for a long time. I told my best friends about the dream many times, often crying in the middle of it. I remembered it and felt it all profoundly for years.

Although it seems clear to me that these two dreams are related, I don't really know what they mean. I didn't get the connection between these two dreams until it occurred to me just a couple months ago I might add.

*

Three months later, on the 29th of December 2005, I had the spontaneous idea that I needed to do an archetype meditation on the crucifixion. I sat down to do this, but the 15-20 second period of time it took for me to visualize going from the plateau to an inner-world where IG did that stuff with me, I got lost in it, my mind in obvious avoidance. Over and over and over and over. Three hours later, having gotten nowhere near IG, I got up, went to the bathroom, and came back to try again but just fell asleep. The next morning I started again with the same result. A little over two hours later I gave up and went on with my life. Later, that night, I sat down to try again, determined that the third time's a charm and I would MAKE it work.

I opened up my 'outer guide' area. The whole landscape seemed flimsy and transparent, as if my total absence hadn't fed the thoughtform to keep it existing, and I spent a minute pouring energy and attention into it. As I did so, I perceived Brin to be there near me on the plateau, waiting for me. Brin was an outer guide and the only guide I have ever seen and heard with astounding clarity, though he was only 'sensed' at that moment. I told him about my sudden idea to do that meditation on the crucifixion, and I started crying my head off as I told him how terrible it was, as more and more guides started 'appearing' all over the plateau, and I started ranting and yelling at all of them about how they had all ABANDONED me in my greatest time of need damn them, until I was finally just sobbing helplessly without words, although on the bright side my inner world had gotten a lot more clear during all of that.

Brin was being unusually close and affectionate, and grew clearer as I cried on him. He stayed very physically close to me, always touching me, which he had never done before. He was more tangible than anything or anyone else, and at one point when my crying finally dropped into hiccuping occasional sobs, he touched my forehead and looked at me from very close and he said, I am here, I am right beside you, I will stay with you, you are not alone. That made me start sobbing again, but eventually I got my act together and could finally continue on to IG.

I reached IG and began to tell him about wanting to meditate on that, but started crying again in the middle of my request. I had the sense from him that I had sublimated all the feelings all this time, which is why I had so much to deal with. He, like Brin, was unusually close to me, touching me gently in various places, which seemed so sweet and loving. When I calmed down, I pointed out that he was being so much more nice and gentle with me than he ever had been before. He said, You *need* that more than you ever have before.

Instead of a "symbolic" archetype of the Four, he brought me the Senior. Except it was part-him and part-archetype, I could feel that it was somehow plenty of both at the same time. But I couldn't work with him. I didn't know what to do. I felt like I had so much emotion still that just seeing him nearly paralyzed me with grief in memory. I felt stupid and lacking imagination about how to go about the meditation. I closed the visualization and got up and did something else.

I stayed up late that night, and at some ungodly hour the next morning I went back. I don't remember the details of what we did together, although it was working, and I had a sudden understanding of why I could not see him for so long before:

Because I was in denial of the primary energy in me that he represents. He is the king, the leader, the front man. Every cycle of image/interaction we did, at some point specifically addressed my role here in the world, my "destiny", and accepting what is mine, what is divine will, and going with it, allowing it to come through me, not fighting it so hard. Each of these experiences were amazing, powerful, emotional and body-rocking in many places. Eventually the Queen showed up in one of them and surprised me, but I hadn't yet seen my mate when I had to end the meditation.

The next two days, I went in to meditate, but there was no energy there. Like I had reached max saturation or something. I just 'existed' there for awhile and then left.

The third day, I went back, and took Brin my OG with me, in to see IG and continue the meditation. IG brought back the Senior, but I had a hard time connecting with him, and couldn't hold my attention on what I was supposed to be doing. Finally I said, "IG, why is this so much WORK?" IG said, "That's part of it, part of your relationship with them. Your effort to reach out and make the connection is a big part of what is needed." The effort to maintain my 'attention' was grueling. Finally I decided to ask the Senior to change from his normal form I perceive and instead appear in "whatever form would best show me the energy, issues, and allow m to understand and interact."

I felt him change, but I couldn't look. I kept turning away inside myself. I would try to look again and my body would turn me away immediately with an overwhelming dose of fear and revulsion. I took a deep breath, and took IG's hand on my left and Brin's hand on my right and forced myself with a huge effort to "allow" whatever the pattern would show me and to see.

It was so mundane visually, compared to the feelings! There was a small a portion of the ruins of a castle. There was grass and ivy that had grown between stones, breaking up some of the walls. I "understood" this represented my neglect of the relationship. I also understood the difference between this and the 'grey dust' that I normally see on archs I have ignored/repressed: THIS energy was alive on its own and was always growing. I would either pay attention to it, and have it grow in ways conducive to me, or its natural growth without my attention would become problematic and in some cases destabilizing internally.

There was a tower with a high window and no other way in. I floated up to the window and started to look inside, as massive hordes of black insects began pouring out, rather like in that movie 'the mummy', and I completely freaked out with the fear-revulsion thing again. It took several attempts to finally bring myself back to it and accept it and deal with it, deal with the revulsion-fear enough to even look at it clearly. I had to build physically a whole landscape to deal with this, that would 'capture' all of the bugs, however many there might be, and hold them for me to do whatever with them, and I coated myself firmly in clear energy-latex-armor so nothing could touch my body! Then I went forth and gathered up my will and imagined a vacuum effect and basically 'sucked out' bugs with it--discovering there was masses of these underneath the ground where I stood, and the tower opened up to a whole world underneath filled with this. It was just SO disgusting. By the time it was over, literally my entire landscape, for MILES around, was nothing but a sea of black squirming insects going about their lives, frankly without regard to me of course, but still disgusting me. They were all 'held' in the 'clear holding cells of life' that spanned the landscape, and I was standing next to the now-empty castle-fragment/tower-walls, with OG and IG, thinking ooooh, yuck!!

First things first. I looked at the tower and visualized making the stones whole and strong and new and clean, and I cleaned out all the grass and such in the way, and re-mortared the stones and so on, did landscaping and cleaning. When that was done, I vanished that part of the arch, leaving me only with the landscape of bugs, except at this point, the actual archetype was then "present" with me finally--I couldn't see him, but could sense his "awareness" was a big part of me and we could communicate now, me and him and OG and IG.

I said with some exasperation and humor, "OK let me guess. If I just KILL all these bugs, this would be a 'bad' thing, right?" He said "It is your choice. However, the energy is yours. You can kill the form it is in, and then you are stuck with the dead remains; what then? If you get rid of a part of you, do you benefit from that?" I had the sense that he thought this would be as reasonable as cutting off a finger because it hurt, rather than doing something to just fix whatever was hurting it. I said "Well you know, this is pretty gross, and all these billions of bugs, they are just... they are not OF ME, I mean they're not my species you know, and so they just scare me and gross me out."

Then my understanding got... improved. I understood: "I cannot lead them unless I am one of them." I had flashbacks to my work in the past like with psi, and feeling I had to do it "the hard way" and "as one of the people" in order to best someday lead the way into something more constructive. I had flashes to my 'destiny' in music that I fought so hard when young, and then had realized only after I had truly let go of that path that the destiny drive had been real, and not just my ego. And then I got "grafted on" the connection between this, and dynamics in my outer world. (I suspected the thoughtform-entity Dor was helping here.) The bugs represented "the masses." I represented a sort of king or government, that "should" be caring about the welfare of the people and identifying with them, and instead was treating them like "the-other," as peons. I was refusing to accept the proper role of the king, the senior's energy inside me.

I then understood that there was a great power possible here, and that all this consciousness, in such tiny billions of identity-pieces, was technically mine to command, IF I could do it, IF I had the strength, courage, discipline, and WILL to make it happen.

I flashed on my mate/twin when he had claimed his power by "demanding" it, his honor and strength and how that had been required when he "came into being" in the vision in 1993 that woke me up to them. I realized I was being a very weak manager, an inept government. These energies are MINE. It isn't an issue of option, they just ARE, whether I refuse to look or not. If I have not taken responsibility for them, and attempted to "bring them under the singular intent and direction of my guidance", then that is my own responsibility. The more I feared them, the less attention I paid to them, the more they bred and multiplied beneath my notice, the more they grew and the more energy to "disrupt" they had, and hence the more I feared them, in a spiral cycle.

The senior is strong and powerful, and his role inside me "taps into and opens me up to" energies that are "underneath the surface", energies I am avoiding--hence the archetype symbolism.

Then I realized that this is what I saw years ago and understood, in a different content: WE ARE LEGION, in the multitude of intent, in chaos: I AM in the singular. I realized it was my job to identify myself as part of and authority for the legion, and then "bring them with me into the singularity of my intent."

I was 'reminded' of a very powerful "christ" dream.

I was in a band and the person I'd arranged to be lead singer (so I didn't have to be) left. The rest of the band (and the people) wanted me to take the role, I was the songwriter and a good singer after all. But I didn't WANT to be frontman, I didn't WANT to be "the face," I had so many reasons for not wanting that, for wanting to hide behind other people, surround myself with a group of others, and besides, I wasn't beautiful and I was fat, so I was unqualified for the role. I was so frustrated because of a demand crisis on one side, and the people seeming to need that, yet knowing if I did it the agent sitting there would hire us and the studio would insist on my staying frontman, and I refused to go there.

As I stood there having this huge dilemma inside me, I felt that "the awareness of Christ came unto me" -- it felt just like that in those words even! -- and I understood that this was, in fact, my destiny. That it was what I wanted to do because it was God's will through me.

Then the scene changed, and I was a soldier, and we were in a desperate situation, there were no officers left, and I had been bringing the men together with my ideas and by setting an example, but then we got to a situation where I needed to take responsibility as leader, and formally BE that role. I didn't want to be for many many reasons, and besides I knew I was not really qualified... the situation was desperate but I resisted so hard, and then "the awareness of Christ came unto me" and I understood that was my destiny, that was simply my role. It was not taking a promotion as we think of leadership; rather, it was accepting a role of utter service. And then I was in another situation in a business meeting -- you get the idea.

I had maybe a thousand "dream scenarios" in a single night! Infinite "variations on a theme" and in every one, it was the same energy, my refusal to take that role, the hard dilemma of it demanding on me, and the christ-consciousness bringing me new understanding that this was MY ROLE no matter what my stubborn body-personality and its neuroses thought about the subject. When I woke up, it was like I not only had been given a message, but I'd been given a message a thousand times in a single night just to make SURE there was NO WAY I could even pretend that my conscious mind did not know and understand exactly what was being asked of me.

Magickians might say that my HGA was arranging for my True Will to become apparent. The whole 'christ realization' thing was amazing enough an experience, let alone amazing x1000. But, I am capable of ignoring even that. It was just a dream after all. I was probably just imagining it all. (Somewhere the Senior is whacking his head on a wall about me...)

I understood in the meditation that this is the same energy, the same issue. Leadership is a form of service and often the hardest. I had this "understanding" that the concept of birth royalty in our world is based on a spiritual truism: that people are born with roles to play in our world, and some are destined to lead; it is hard work and it can leave you martyrd even and often--but somebody's gotta do it.The reluctance of ethically- and spiritually-centered people from taking the roles our culture has caused us to associate instead with 'ego' has only allowed those leadership roles to be almost entirely filled by people who have contributed to the worst outcome of the people instead.

There must be an understanding of being OF the people, of it being an honor to serve. That is the only way a king can bring the 'we are legion' of chaos into the 'I AM' of his singular intent. That quality is necessary for true leadership and few in our world have it anymore.

I looked at the giant landscape of bugs, my disgust having dimmed a lot, my understanding greater now. My senior, the part of him that was joining my attention in some ghostly-inner fashion, filled me with this... KNOWING that I COULD do this, and it was MINE, the energy was mine, the authority was mine, and I was seized with this incredible feeling I can only call "divine authority."

I commanded in a loud voice that was also the energy of my whole-self, that the masses of insects for miles listen up, and I psychically pushed into their awareness through my gut (will) how they were part of me and I them, and I focused them on the fact that the senior "authority of attention" was mine, I was their leader, and I 'pulled' them together into my singular-intent, and I commanded that they, my people, join my intent. And this happened for a bit and grew in intensity of my attention until the situation sort of exploded in an "evolution and transformation" and then the miles of landscape of little tiny bugs, instead became a small forest filled with many creatures.

I understood that the "size/scope of identity" had massively increased into a whole new landscape. Think of it like millions of tiniest raindrops on your window that suddenly merge in places and turn into varying size much bigger blobs. The trees, bugs, animals, some of which were highly sentient, everything in the forest was also-me. I allowed it briefly, and then I again pulled them all together inside and insisted they evolve into a more singular-intent-identity. Here my memory runs into some problems, though it was clear at the time. I believe I pulled them eventually into the form of the senior-male that was the arch I was given. I asked the arch of him if we could merge; if we had succeeded in the meditation that far, and even if it might be too much for me. He said we could.

I grabbed IG and OG's hands again and imagined our merging. I certainly felt it body-wide, so the med clearly did some good. I had the sense that I was only getting a fraction of it though, and he suggested that it was too much at once, and that my body needs more water and more ability to 'process' the experience, and that the energy would unfold in me as I can take it. So it was done. IG said the others of the Four should be done a separate time.

*

I returned with Brin to the plateau and asked him what he thought. He said it was pretty interesting actually. Dor showed up, and 'showed me from the inside', as he often does, that all this inner stuff had a clear parallel to my life in other ways. There is the "many parts of me" that I get so frustrated about, because I want one thing (like to meditate, eat well, exercise, view, etc.) and it seems like there are all these parts of me that have other ideas and resist and so on. Dor showed me how this was exactly the same thing as the inner example, of seemingly separate identities wandering around that I don't control, but the 'identities' were 'aspects of me' and that this problem in my life represents a lack of my taking the 'divine authority of singular intent' -- in other words, the discipline of self-leadership commanding the many parts of self into following the conscious will. I understood that until I truly accept this energy as part of me, I will have some difficulties perceiving the Senior, except on rare occasion when HE makes a big effort to enable it. I also understood that commanding the elements of myself would be a problem until I accepted that energy as well.

Then Dor showed me something else. I had forgotten that there was a moment in the archmed where the arch showed me 'under the surface', the 'waste disposal systems' (like under-street gutters) of my body. He showed me how they were kinda yucky and not fluid enough. I'd been living on soft drinks and no water really for weeks. Dor showed me how I've overlooked a fairly major point about body systems and metaphysics: the body is an incredible powerhouse in this reality; it's like a major nuclear power plant focused in this dimension, a true "dense mass of energy" vibrating here, and our "intent" and state of mind essentially "broadcasts" through this power-plant (body) into this dimension, so to speak. The more our body is weak or clogged and sluggish, the less power we have; the more it is ill, un-limber, un-fluid, the more the light of our intent is 'distorted'.

I understood that my ability to manifest things physically in my life, although metaphysically "belief systems" are the basic of it, that we "live in the body of our beliefs" as Seth says, and the body is the manner in which this is carried out in our reality, and I cannot separate body-issues from spiritual-issues because of this; nothing is "just physical". It all tied in together. The Senior's energy. My issues in my daily life. Everything.

*

We were talking about something later when Brin laughed and said, "WE are the same thing as all this other stuff!" I didn't get it at first. Then I realized he meant, my guides, THEY are just like the aspects of me, the forest animals, the bugs -- they are "energy-identities which, as part of my realm, can be and should be directed by my conscious intent."

I had a many-layered understanding, begun by the memory of how I had always wanted my baby to feel 'free' and not bound up, but later learned that babies WANT to be bundled up tight, it makes them feel safe like the womb; and I observed a few ways in which in government people need a strong leader, and how in business employees need a strong CEO, and several other allegories. I remembered how my guides always said they want me to ASK for what I want. Although I can leave it 'open-ended' they often have implied that if I want specific help I need to ask for something specific ( e.g., help with exercise, or whatever), and that the more specific I am in what I am asking for help with the more effective they can be.

All the understanding came together and I realized what he was conveying: on 'some level', my guides want me to "lead with my intent." Because they are part of me -- they may have their own separate identities or worlds, sure, but as far as OUR relationship goes, just as mates appreciate some of the feel of 'ownership' by the other and 'children need clear boundaries' and babies need firm wrapping and employees and citizens need strong leadership and everything needs solid interaction -- if I wanted my guides to really be effective with me at the max level, that I would not be wimpy and gentle and 'equal' with them as far as the 'if you want' attitude. I would accept my role as "the leading INTENT" in our relationship, and I would TELL THEM what I want.

I can ask, I can tell, it doesn't matter, they are not neurotic socially. What they want is a specific request, is my attention, is essentially my leadership to both allow them, and provide the opportunity for them, to show me what they can do for me.

*

A very short time later, I went to see a movie, "Narnia". I grew up with those books. I'd even felt the lion inside me was an analogy to Aslan. It occurred to me how interesting it was, as I watched, that it actually had the same mythology as me: Four royalty, two elder and two younger of each gender, each with an archetype role, the Lion as their spiritual touchstone etc. But while from the books as a kid I mostly remembered Lucy, the youngest, the movie had a different focus: Peter, the eldest who is to be King. It is his destiny to claim his power, to take leadership. He is refusing it, he doesn't feel qualified. Other people are literally dying for him as THEY know his role, but he won't wrap around it.

On the screen, this shining golden castle high near the edge of the sea appears in the distance and I 'breathed' -- like a little kid -- "Cair Paravel!" -- WOW. It sounds stupid but it's like literally, exactly as I always imagined it in my head, in the movie it was just like that. It was like someone took something inside me and put it in a movie, in some ways. It had a really powerful emotional effect on me. I hadn't thought about how powerful it is when something very deep with you throughout your young life suddenly comes up again, and even manifests in great detail in front of your eyes.

Then there is a scene where the golden lion gets crucified! Why didn't I think of this being in the movie as it's a core in the book I don't know, but it felt astounding and cosmic that stuff on the inside of me was totally playing out on the outside of me. It felt like someone reached in and grabbed my guts. The entire movie was like living out the issues I've been meditating on for days. I was so moved that I couldn't even get up at the end. I just sat there, trying to compose myself, with tears running down my face. As it turns out, they used over a thousand people in many countries so the credits literally take 15 minutes to roll.

After a minute of it I realized I liked the song playing. Silly on the surface but it was so reach-in-and-grab-your-guts given I was really wrapped up in some mix of archetype meditation, dream, movie, stuff from childhood, stuff from present, all at once: I am a magnet / For all kinds of deeper wonderment / I am a wunderkind / And I live the envelope / Pushed far enough to believe that / I am a princess / On the way to my throne / Destined to serve / Destined to roam... It felt like my inner self talking to me from the outside at the time.

I stopped at the store on the way home ... and while L&R were inside I did a quick meditation. I started telling IG all about it (the movie) and then realized he knew all about it, and I started in about how amazing that it seemed like the world around outside me was talking to the world inside me, and he laughed in a good way and said, it is always this way, you KNOW that what you experience outside you IS inside you and when you pay attention you notice it more! I ended up just hugging him really happily and finally wrapped it up.

*

I learned a lot, but still had (and still have) no clear understanding of WHY the others had to die.

PJ

IG's Gift of the Sidhe

I could hear-via-sense IG's voice chanting foreign language over me during this. I had forgotten this experience entirely. Even now, nearly four years later, I can almost sense it. Like it must have made a real impression on me. I wonder if this is based on some kind of "genetic memory."


Journal Fragment, January 10, 2006

Today I had truly mindblowing frolics in my body, and just as I was leaving my inner space later on, as a surprise my IG (inner guide) went digging for something to give me.

He does all kinds of things, ranging from simple stuff (clothes, jewelry, chainmail once, put on or in me that I 'absorb') to really weird energy lines etc., but tonight he was searching through boxes and such.

I laughed and said, Wait a minute. You're in my head. You're all mental. How can you need to search through anything to find something?!

"It's a bit like searching memory, but more complex," he says.

He finally finds some little box, the size/shape you might buy executive pens in, and he opens it repeatedly, and each time there is something different in it. I grok there is some magic number and when he opens it that count, there is a small necklace in there.

It's an oval of gold. I thought it was a locket at first, but it looked really old, and more like just an oval of hammered gold with some inscription. Instead of putting it on me he made me kneel all formally.

And as I kneel, he puts it around my neck, chanting some official ritual chant in some strange language that I innately understood (somehow) was a form of ancient Gaelic.

When he's done, I say, I know a guy emailing me recently had some Gaelic words in his note, and that must be sparking this energy. But how could I actually "sort of hear" the language from you, when I only see his words on the screen? And what is the odd feeling I have inside me as you say it? And why would his email spark something this major?

IG says, "Just seeing the Gaelic words, even in English letters, holds an energy of its own. You know the warnings about the Enochian letters also. And, how you have covered up books you didn't want the energy of in your room while you slept." (Yes and I was embarrassed at how silly it is, but intuitively sometimes I have.)

I kind of grinned, thinking of "Gaelic energy by osmosis via email!" which seems like a helluva tenuously-magical (or magically-tenuous?) relationship to me.

I felt the effect of his incantation of sorts going through my body still, though. Very odd. I said, "What is this? This is different than how we normally do this."

He tells me (to simplify into end result here, as I don't recall the exact way it came across), that the necklace is "something I've a right to." That it is one my genetics recognize, but I'm getting it only because my genetics 'support' this, not 'because' of them.

I roll my eyes in some disbelief even while closed; I'm a genetic mutt. He says "Really, it's true; the irish, english, scot, and some other things in you carry energy of that type, and combined it may be more than you think."

He added, and I felt this was what made it possible to 'get', while it was my genetics he was saying made it possible for me to 'hold the word' once he'd gotten it for me: One specific woman in your body's past was given this necklace as a recognition and as a blessing.

I realized he meant blessed by some magical people or person. I looked down at it. By today's standards it was fairly small and dull to be honest, though it felt heavy on me.

I say, I feel this going into me, but instead of gradually merging into me until it's gone, like your stuff normally does, I feel as if the tiny symbols on it are somehow breeding and multiplying all throughout my body, like some creative pattern replication, somehow geometric and mathematical, as well as -- well the word "Lyrical" comes to mind.

He indicated that was ok, though different than normal. I was thinking of 'ancient Gaelic' and the bright people of myth, and I said, Do you think the Sidhe or whatever magical entity, would mind some ignorant American wearing a necklace they had blessed in antiquity?

He shrugged and said, "Should you encounter any of them, they will know you by this, any of their number will recognize it. It is more likely to do you good than harm in that respect."

The complexity of how any invisible magical entity would recognize an invisible magical necklace on someone who was never given it but acquired it via genetic-access from a psychic inner construct was so much demand on my suspension of disbelief that it actually started to hurt my brain, so I decided to move on, and I just thanked him and left.

PJ