Black and Red: The Castle

After awhile of the Four being gone, I saw them now and then in dreams, only at a distance and briefly. I barely remembered the fragments, but did remember that they were so young. Like small children, even though they looked the same. And then older children, and then teens, and then the next time I saw them they seemed normally matured. I wondered what that meant.

I was standing on the edge of my plateau one day, looking a bit blankly off into the distance from up high. I felt alone. I had only seen the Four distantly and barely, in dreams, aside from that first meditation with IG. I knew they were back, or reborn, or whatever, but that brain-knowing didn't make up for the heart-lonely of not having them interact with me.

After awhile, it occurred to me that maybe if I wanted them back in my life I could do something to welcome them. Make a place for them inside me manually, so to speak. I focused on the edge of the cliff some distance away, and hollowed much of the cliff out around one square area on the edge, making it a stand-alone piece of high stone, separated from all around it, so you had to fly to reach it.

I built a small 4-sided square white pavilion on the top, using as materials for some of the building silver and gold, lapis lazuli and jasper. There was a big, tall and wide doorway in the middle of each of the four sides of the small building, and a high ceiling, so lots of air ran through it. When it was done, I flew in and stood on the floor in the middle and looked out the front doorway. It seemed as if I was looking over a blue sea and a blue sky, even though I was over a desert terrain on a grey day until I went through the door.

I said a small prayer: I love you, how I miss you, please come home to me. But after awhile, they were not there with me, and a little sadly, I decided maybe that wasn't going to work. I went back to the plateau and did something else.

I forgot about it. It was rather distant from where I sit and interact on the plateau, and I didn't go over there. For the next many days, I meditated on simple things, body things, chakras, and sometimes just stopping in to see Brin and Stet, my outer guides, to bore them with what I'd like out of my daily life.

Journal Fragment, Dec-Jan 2005/6

A man, who had another man with or within him, brought me a dark haired woman. {The Four.} He told me her story; it sounded like her life had been so restricted, often in personal and emotional ways. The man had a long rectangle cubic shape, that had four panels around the sides, each of golden light. This had some key importance.

He gave us one panel and said we should go into the world and find a place to settle and develop. We traveled until we found a valley that looked just like the shape he had, so we knew it was 'our land'. We planned to live on opposite sides, and cultivate the space between us, but to begin we'd start together as there was only one small house at one end.

We went into town the next day, a tiny rural area, into a small store. Locals were asking questions, and the woman kept saying things that were true, but that I knew the people did not want to know. I wanted her to stop before they ran us out of town or burned us at the stake or something. She didn't seem to understand she could not just be honest and open with everybody. They were reacting badly, looking furtively at each other. We went back home that night, and I noticed the prices they had charged us after not liking her were insanely high; we couldn't afford to live there for long.

We were shocked to discover our house had bugs. Two specific kinds: a dark, fat-bodied bug like a gigantic black tick, about 1/2 to 2" big. The other a medium-light colored, roach-like body, the same size. Any food that fell anywhere for even a split second the bugs instantly went to and ate. I realized with there would be no way to keep them not only from making our house disgusting, but they'd surely eat our crops, too! [Earlier in the night before the dream, I had considered how we "pay" attention, and how attention is constantly ours and being played out, and it's only a matter of whether we bother to "pay attention to what we are paying attention to," so to speak. I had imagined telling Ry that "attention is like energy or food, and we have to be careful what we feed." I suspect this is involved in the dream symbology.]

Then the panel the woman had brought with us, morphed into a man with some relationship to her, it was the dark tall man and somehow he had the "rectangle" shape of the panel, the shape that the valley of our home was set in. He wore a red sweater that went down to mid-thigh and nothing else, and I understood he was part of our life and location. {Senior.} I worried that if the local people knew about him they would flip out.


This morning after being awake some time I decided to go back into the arch world. I went in and said hi to OG and went in to IG and asked if I should do any meds. He gave me Sun, and we had a fabulous time, and I felt very good.

As I was about to leave, IG asked if I'd consider doing another med before I went. He held out his hand and there was a small dark, complicated thing in his palm. I said, Oh my God. Tell me this is NOT a bug! He seemed to think that was funny and shrugged like, "Wellllllll since you don't want it to be...."

So I worked on the tiny dark complicated thing in his hand as an archetype. I cleaned, and lubricated, and sanded a bit, and so forth to make whatever-it-was that I couldn't really make out, the best it could be. And finally once I did everything I could think of for it, it sort of unfurled in a stretch and I realized it had opened up into a little tiny person except small enough to fit in his palm.

I thought that was kind of funny and I brought that arch over to the side and 'supersized him' so he would be a normal person-size for working with, and then I saw that it was black and a tall rectangle, and then I realized that it was the same man from my dream, which was when I realized that he really HAD begun a 'bug' -- I hadn't wanted to see that so I didn't, is all -- and that in my dream, the bug, the man, the panel, and the landscape, were all the same thing somehow, that was all the same "symbolic energy".

I have often thought of dreams as symbolism but I had never really thought of "most the major elements of a dream," which are completely different, all being the SAME energy manifesting in different forms. This is when it 'hit me' that many times over the years, when I dream of the Four, we've had the "black/white and male/female" symbology, and the senior is often a black or red man, sometimes not just black skinned like people in our world but literally BLACK like a chess piece. I realized that the energy of the dream was "him". He was almost everything -- the landscape, the bug, you name it. It was like a dream composed of him, not entirely but mostly. This brought a further understanding, as if to clarify: the ignorant, hostile townspeople were the same energy as the small groups of locals who had crucified each of my Four, earlier. And the woman of course was the Queen.

Journal Fragment, January 11, 2006

Today is my 11th day of consecutive meditation. You know you have an issue with consistency when you count stuff in days like it's a newborn. I sat down on my bed with my Narnia music. Here is the approach I'm using right now:

I look for a pattern in myself, I look for "what I am avoiding." And then I send myself toward that. If I find I am veering off and avoiding it, then I *know* I need to meditate on that, or in that way, or whatever, so that's what I do.

Tonight I couldn't get to the high desert plateau that is my home space, which takes what, 1/10 a second? I finally realized I was in denial of meditating. I know my psychology is starting to react to the internal changes, but I'm determined to stay on course. I bring myself back to center and with grim resolve I forcibly roll out my space around me.

But I'm lost. There's some kind of foliage in my face and all around me. I can't figure out where the heck I am -- I mean, I went to the precise spot I always do, but this is NOT my chair on my plateau. I'm in the chair but I'm stuck in bushes! I can't see well and I am really confused and disconcerted. I yelp for Brin and Stet and as they show up, I am flying up into the air so I can look down on wherever I am, and I'm wailing, "Where AM I?" and one of them says, "In the garden."

The garden? What garden?! I realize I am looking down on this huge, maybe 1/4 mile long by 1/8 mile wide, rectangle 'garden'. There are brick walls maybe 12' high around the edges and then everything back from that on my side is like forest. In the huge long center is a shallow pool that goes from one end (where I am) to the other, but has a pattern in it that twists in a way sort of like macrame, or a 2D version of a joined doublehelix. There is a lovely colorful stone-ceramic walkway straight through it. {I just realized that the garden is the 'shape' of the Senior.} At the other far end, to my right, is a big, beautiful castle of some kind.

I look at my guides. "I don't HAVE a garden or castle in my inner space!" I tell them in exasperated confusion, but I know they know. "How the heck did this GET here? Isn't it MY sacred space? How could anything happen here without MY doing it? I mean yes I have given lots of general energy for my inner world, but this is a little invasive don'tcha think?! Ye gods, it's huge!!!" They just look at me and say nothing.

So I fly over the garden until I get to the castle, and I land on a big balcony porch at its side. The visuals are really great, really intense and clear and complex. Not as good as the 'eye' meditation, but that one borders on a religious experience so I shouldn't compare to it. Still they were really nice. I go into the castle and it's big and light colored inside, seems more modern than ancient. I run through rooms looking for someone, anyone. I find all kinds of lovely rooms of stuff, but no people. I finally go into one room and it's really big -- and my two eldest elementals of soul are there. {Senior and Queen.} They are sitting on thrones like they're holding court. There's lots of people all over.

I try to sneak around the back of the room behind all the people so nobody will see me. While I'm doing this though, my left brain is arguing, Wait a minute. This is all 'me', right. So how could I fool 'me'? Shouldn't I just sort of tell them not to see me? It's my world, right? But the Two look right at me quickly, and the whole room turns and silences. I stop in place, a little embarrassed that everybody's now staring at me, and I fly up to where they are and say quietly to them, "I'm -- well I'm, you know, I'm really really glad to see you. But why are you here? I mean like... HERE?"

They indicate this is where they live, and they're having a party. Now that I'm up where they are I can see a second lower level right behind where I'd been standing and it's filled with people, and they're waltzing, and there are musicians in clumps all over, and there are tables with food and drink and a whole wall of columns that open in front to an azure sky and a big balcony like the one I came in through on the side. That part nearly started reaching toward the complexity and vivid level of the eye meditation. Mindblowing! I was just mind-boggled for a minute, staring at it, realer-than-real. (Who needs drugs??)

Then I turned back to them and said, "Well, ok." But I felt disconcerted. Me in the bushes and this gigantic castle where I didn't put it. I'd never argue with them, they're my soul, but I hadn't thought of my sacred space being for anybody but ME.

They said something to me like, "What would you like?" I don't know what I was going to say, but this is one of the occasions when I realize that as 4th of 4, my surface personality here is really only 'part' of it; it's a deeper/larger identity, the 4th. I found myself just blurting out, Please help me find him. I meant my mate, the 3rd of 4. I'm so lonely. Please, I miss him so much. I love having you but I need him too. They nodded graciously at me. The whole environment was so archetypally royal.

Then I realized that I had still not gotten to the meditation I came in to my plateau to do, because I was so wonderfully distracted by this amazing castle. It's ok to explore new things, to interact and so on, but you can't let it keep you from your plans, or you just invite every energy that doesn't want something done to throw itself in your path like fascinating mental confetti... I learned that long ago. I do have to get to the work eventually.

So I nodded goodbye to them, and I ran out the rooms and down stairs and out the front this time, to find the castle was overlooking a lovely blue ocean. (Cair Paravel! - this is what I get for listening to Narnia music!) I flew up and back over the 'garden' and landed by my chair in the bushes.

My outer guides were still there, by the chair. "Where," I demand of them, recalling how they said nothing useful at all last time we talked, "IS MY PLATEAU?!"

They both point to their right, which is my left, past the end of the garden. I fly up and bring them with me and as I look, one of them is telling me, "Well it grew, and it was pretty huge, so it sort of pushed out the land. Everything is like normal, just moved over to fit in the castle landscape." I looked at it all for a bit, and put my chair where it belonged, and went down and sat in it.

Grumpily. I know I should be thrilled, and now I feel mostly better, but at the time I was just... well you know. I guess I don't like surprises. I am such a control freak. But it's MY inner world, shouldn't I have the right to be?

And then I suddenly understand: It GREW! I built a place for them in my sacred space, and they showed up for it!! They made it into some big and glorious and powerful, so much more than the simple thing I had begun with. I just sat there as if my astral mouth were hanging open in astonishment or something. I had totally forgotten about the pavilion. I had been barely peripherally aware of it the previous days.

It was so amazing to me that without my assistance, and when I had consciously forgotten, apparently the energy of my mind, or from somewhere, built this entire VERY complex thoughtform while I wasn't even looking. That just astounded me. I know, I used to do these meditations enough that I should know the autonomy the entire world and its inhabitants begin to take on after awhile if you're consistent -- but I had forgotten.

So they came when I called. Wow!!

They are alive. They came to me and 'grew' organically into a garden and castle in the middle of my stone plateau. That's so amazing.

Later, Brin brought me Dor. I told him, I didn't realize an Outer Guide could function like an Inner Guide. He said everything is relationships and all guides can and often do work with each other as well as with me.


Journal Fragment, January 12, 2006

I dreamed I was a young woman living in another reality/time, but I was aware it's in the area I call {in this world} Hawaii. It was wild, like jungle.

I was lying on my back in the earliest morning, on a mat on the ground like a woven mat, and it felt like this huge flat-thick-rectangular blob of crazy "energy" lowered onto/into me, and it just completely blew me away as an amazing "religious experience". I felt so changed.

Later, I was telling people about it, and they all felt that I had experienced something they had a name for, but I can't remember the word. (It seemed when I woke up, it was something culturally-akin to 'the holy spirit'.) I was saying to my friends and family, you know, I always thought that would be like an internal spiritual thing, but I'm here to tell you that was as physical as it gets! -- it had felt like {what I would now call} technology to me.

There was much reaction from my people about how I was 'touched by the gods,' and people started treating me differently. I started wearing some kind of headdress, a short cloth-like thing on my head that had a little band around it that held it on, it was light colored and shaded my face a little.


In a separate dream after that, it was a bad dream, I wonder if it relates to the Four dying. I found this lovely blue little bird and I put it safely into a cage. Then I came in a room JUST as one of my cats was ripping it to pieces. I was freaking out trying to save it, and one of its legs was missing... then sudden next scene, I came into a room just in time to see one of my cats limp in, torn up all over and bloody... then sudden next scene, I came into a room just in time to see this big dog, the sort I would love, it was sliced all over like someone had attacked it with a knife... ugh. Yucky feelings. There was more but I don't remember.


Journal Fragment, January 22, 2006

I was sleeping, while both watching and being a woman who was keeping watch on a bridge. It was a high, long, big metal suspension type bridge, subject to wind, reminding me of a bridge I used to drive in Washington state.

There was this big, terrible giant hole in the bridge. At first, it seemed fine except that. But I got a side view of the bridge, and we saw that it had other problems: many "patches", some coming loose or not fitted well, in various places through the length of it. Any car that drove to this hole unaware, the results would be terrible. It was such a horrible hole, and such a long way down.

She paced in front of the 'wound' on the bridge, is how it actually felt, sometimes going up high to sleep, but not really being able to, worrying about, what IF. What if some cars come? I was having a hard time sleeping well, I realized, understanding that I was dreaming near the surface uncomfortably because she was having a hard time sleeping at all, and we were one, on some level, and she was so nervous about something that involved us both, that it was bothering me too.

I'm going to use that bridge as a symbol in an archmed.

*

{I did, later. It went well, and the 3rd came with a team of soldier-workmen and he managed most of the work getting done.}

So I understand now that the colors of the Senior (who is King) are black and red, and his shape is a long rectangle. This actually makes sense to me which only proves I must be crazy. I understand now why he tells me to come to the Tower; probably I need to regularly 'pay attention' to keep that thoughtform strong.

I understand now that a single energy can take the form of many different things in the same dream -- or reality. Things 'relate' to each other if you know what to look for, things of the same energy, like his colors and shape. Oh hey that reminds me of 777 and the QBL "correspondences," I wonder if this is what that relates to?

Wounds and broken things are the same thing in different models. I didn't realize that.

PJ