Adjustment, Take II

I was determined to make it work. So I began another meditation today. It was just after noon, I was wide awake, the light in the room was good. I wasted no time on trivial things and went straight to IG as fast as I could, since I already went through the zillion-denials last night that barely even let me reach her, let alone the arch once I had.

The moment I arrived and took IG's hands--already my mind trying to escape--and begged her to help hold my attention there, I began abreacting. Muscle spasms went crazy. This is common in hypnotherapy on trauma (of any kind), and seems to be a sign of energy that is being "shunted off" -- vented by the sudden explosive energy of the muscle reaction -- rather than brought all the way through to experience. Usually for me they happen anywhere from the torso to thighs, and usually many at once. Every few seconds I would abreact somewhere.

It is very obvious I have a severe problem with this archetype but I can't really figure out why. It's just a card, just a symbol like anything else, and yes I realize that all Tarot symbols are universal archetypes and extremely powerful, but since I honestly felt this was "my" card, I actually thought it would be fun and easy. My mind wandered. I held my mind fiercely and my body spasmed so intensely I forgot who the hell I was for a moment. But I began again. And again. And again. And...

Finally I blurted out, "I can't get near you or touch you or perceive you well, but fine. I will be NEAR you! I will bathe both of us in the same things." And I brought down pouring rain and light and wind and more. I actually had some degree of merge-like sense while the various things were happening like that. I told her/it, "I want to know you." And then I had this insight. We had just watched 'The Matrix'. The insight was something like, "You are in denial and avoidance because she is Truth. Real Truth. All the parts of you that hide from the Truth -- of who you really are, mostly, of who you are meant to be, of the potential you run from -- they fear her light. Exposure to her will destroy and kill the lies that make up a good part of your reality and hide you from things you don't want to know. Of course your subconscious is acting terrified."

I turned to IG and said, "Give it to me. I want the red pill! I want to know the truth. Even if it's horrible. I want to KNOW." And she opened her hand and I grabbed the red pill and swallowed it and let myself imagine that it was affecting me and breaking down some barriers inside me and making me more receptive to 'Adjustment' the archetype. I asked what she wanted from me to trade energy and she or it (whatever) said, "All of you." That was a little odd and slightly threatening, but I imagined just falling into her completely and giving up myself. Then I realized I needed to shift my perspective back to 'me' so she could share something with me. She seemed to work for a really long time on something (miraculously I had no real trouble staying focused during that) and then finally there was a medical table.

I laid down, thinking it odd--normally that's something I might do for an archetype, not the other way around!--and she had some giant ball of energy rather like the spheres on the card. She pulled off a handful of it and it pulled like some cross between taffy and cotton candy, and she stuffed it into my forehead. She did this with every chakra, but also my upper chest, and then she did it with my knees and feet, inner elbow area and hands, ears and eyes. Never had an arch go to quite that much trouble before. When done I asked if we could attempt to merge anyway, though my hopes were not high, and she agreed, but although we did, I had no real sense of her.

I went to IG and said, please help me work on this at all times, until I am clear with her. There must be something major connected with this symbol that I really need work on, for me to react that badly, and to have such trouble doing the meditation at all. She agreed, and I had a flash of her eyes. I don't see her yet -- only that she's a bit taller than me and during the ritual I got that she had a lot of dark hair -- but I kind of saw her eyes. I thought that whatever I just did must have made her slightly more visible to me, as our energy got a little more compatible.

So... the meditation finally happened, which is a big success on its own, but did not go well at all. I will go back in tonight and work on something else. I hope to come back to Adjustment, thought.