IG and the Pagan Night

I posted last night on my Psiche blog, and then after rereading the post, read a couple before. I discovered the post 'inhibitors to conscious psi functioning', about the last archetype meditation I had done, months ago. I hadn't finished it. It was a little beyond me; I just couldn't figure out what to do. I reread all the detail of things I thought and tried, and realized it was SUCH a good thing I blog this stuff or I would never have remembered any of that! It had completely fallen out of my head. I was kind of fascinated in a way.

And then I felt like I really needed to meditate and finish that. Like right now. So I closed my computer and began.

I unrolled my sacred space from the micro-dot in my heart where it stores, and I considered all the 'impressions of guides all over' the surface plateau. 'Outer Guides' I call these. It occurred to me, "What exactly do you think these are, anyway? Are they not part of you, like how you have been a guide for the female of the Four in other lives? What if these are of the 16+ 'outer circles' from the Four that you were barely exposed to in the tower? In other words, what if everyone out here is essentially part of you?" I hadn't really considered that about OG's before.

I went down and into the arch space and the minute I arrived, I looked at IG and she at me and my whole body reacted with emotional upset. I realized that I was in terrible denial. That the reason I hadn't meditated in like three months was in part because of having so much unresolved energy with her and my avoidance. I felt deeply upset, and in the space around where we meet, I paced, avoiding looking at her, stomping around. Finally I went back to her and I said, "I'm sorry. I so want to know you well and accept you and I understand now I'm still rejecting you on some level." I stood there for a bit, as she said nothing. I thought about how in archmeds, there is always this ritual where like, they are injured and you heal them, or whatever. So I said to her, "Isn't there some ritual you can do that would help me accept you better and bring us closer?"

And the world went black and the moon came out and I turned from it to look at her and she looked rather like an archetype herself then, long thick wavy dark hair flying everywhere and she began chanting in some unknown language. I'm sure my eyes were wide, since I hadn't really expected it to be THAT kind of ritual! I had the odd sense, as she chanted, that although in my world, ceremonial magick is like yoga+meditation+drama, that in some other worlds, maybe including hers, this ritual she was doing was actually quite REAL and powerful. Then she stopped, and she pulled out a knife and sliced a short wound in her inside forearm and held it up to me to drink the welling blood. I was slightly aghast, and had to remind myself this was just a mental thing. So I put my lips around it and sucked a little and swallowed, and it felt as if her blood inside me turned to energy and multiplied by the billions and was shortly part of every cell in my body. I realized I was sucking more on it, unconsciously, like when you start eating casually and then realize you're wolfing food down as if driven by drives below the conscious level.

I stopped and looked at her, and she lifted up my right arm and did the same to that, and put her mouth to it. I tried to visualize and feel that I was giving this willingly to be part of her. I was still a little weirded out by the whole dark pagan moon ritual thing-- I have never been Wiccan, it is really not my style personally -- when she stopped, and looked down at me (she is taller than I am, in default form). I noticed she had a tiny bit of blood on her lips, and I on mine, and then she leaned forward and kissed me. As I was thinking, "Now this is just kinky. Should I just go with this, try to get into it?" I realized that it was nothing like it seemed on the outside. I mean in sheer physical terms it seemed like a romantic kiss, but in energy terms, I could feel powerfully that she was basically "resuscitating me". Like she was giving her energy, she was bringing me back to myself and to life, etc. Nothing romantic about it at all, except in a best-friend-saves-me kind of sense. Then she stopped and stepped back, and it got lighter around us, and all the funky pagan trappings vanished and she seemed like a normal woman again, if she was ever normal to begin with.

I wonder if my rejection/denial related to her, relates to what I was just blogging about before meditating, my seeming avoidance of friends while at the same time being lonely. Geez. I didn't even think of that until just now, writing this.

Still kind of shocked by all that, I finally stammered, "Uh, you know, I actually came here because I read on my blog about the 'Inhibitors to Conscious Psi' meditation that I couldn't get through and that was the last med, and it's a good thing I blogged it or I would remember nothing, but I really felt like it was time for me to meditate and I need to go back to that." Then I added, "Please. PLEASE. Please help me with it! I'm so lost, I don't know what to do! I need your help. Please help MORE." She nodded ok, and waved one hand, and I turned to the big pyramid behind me.

The meditation is its whole own thing so I'm going to put that in a separate post.