**
I went to IG just to talk to her, initially.
Me: In all honesty IG, I feel like when I do archs that I let you choose, where I don't know what they are, it just doesn't go as well. I mean I read some old blogging yesterday and I see that sometimes it does but my "feel" is that there is something missing from those. Like it's important for me to know.
{silence}
Me: OK. Well, I was going to ask for an arch but I guess I will just let you choose. Apparently that was my pre-complaint but nothing changed. I think another thing that bothers me is that I worry you're going to keep giving me guides, as you seem kinda driven that way, so it makes me a little paranoid about it as that bothers me. I want to be able to trust that if I ask for you to choose, I get an archetype.
{silence}
Me: But well, ok, I admit I do really feel like I should let you choose what we do and it shouldn't always have to be archetypes.
{silence}
Me: Oh for godssakes. FINE THEN. You just choose what we do. But listen, I already feel strongly that yet-another new guide is involved but you know it just doesn't seem right, I don't even know the ones I have yet--and yes, I admit that's totally my fault and avoidance, not yours--but I'd like to have some time to get to know the existing folks first, before introducing more. So can we do that?
Finally she said something.
IG: No. We have something of a schedule. We need to work through more of them. You will just have to make an effort to 'catch up' on your conscious work with the guides, to get to know them better.
I just stared at her. I don't know why I found it so shocking she said no. And since when does so-called spiritual work have any kind of time-window? I couldn't think of what to say for a bit so I just stood there pouting grumpily. Finally, feeling somewhat depressed--because it doesn't feel like I'm properly in control of this, and it seems like if it's my spiritual life it oughtta be under my control--I just said (a bit morosely and quietly):
Me: Alright then. Whatever, I guess. Let's do something before I fall asleep here. Some kind of meditation.
I felt something like an archetype behind me and I turned. I couldn't see it well, especially near the top, and it was about 15 feet tall and somewhat conical shaped yet a rubbery like texture and a tannish-brown color. I walked around it a bit. Then I called in the rainwater of love and stood there a bit letting a torrent of water fall on it. During this I got distracted by some personal daydream, then I brought myself back to it.
The arch now looked like a tall skinny cone, a dark-glass or crystal tower of sorts. It looked a great deal like something I had once before--not as an archetype, but that showed up near The Tower in the castle where The Four and I often meet--back then I remember it was 'planted' like growing through the floor outside near the top of the tower where I was hanging out, because I had refused to spend enough time inside so something was coming to me. I seem to recall it eventually shattered and inside it was... someone? I can't remember very well. It's a miracle I remember anything at all if I don't blog it, and that's only because I can read it later. Anyway, I didn't see anybody inside it, and I pondered what to do about it.
I looked away from it, thinking on the previous 'variant' of this symbol, when something suddenly appeared on the top of it. I looked back. A small... sort of person, about half my size, with wings, female, something in her hand, appeared on the top, like an angel on the top of a christmas tree, except more faery-like. That was just stupid so I looked away again. Probably imagination and I'd let that pass.
It didn't pass. I finally looked back again.
Me: Oh my god. No. NO. That's totally retarded! If YOU are the guide, forget it. I don't do, ah, faeries or whatever the hell you're supposed to be.
IG finally seemed a little more communicative.
IG: In your last meditation you made it clear that you wanted to know the true form of your guide. So, this one is showing you her true form.
Me: Oh give me a break! That can't be real. That isn't real.
IG: Giant frogs like your previous IG can be real, but not this? Why is a big slimy frog more "ok" than something a little like a faery?
Me: Because faeries are STUPID. That has to be just imagination, and bad at that. Frogs are... well, ok, really weird, but far more cool. Anything would be more cool.
She was silent, but I had the overwhelming feeling that she thought me expecting my interior life to be 'hip' by the standards of my exterior culture was... totally immature, if not downright moronic.
Me: Fine then. FINE! For goddsakes.
I turned and went forward to the half-sized human girl with wings who was now just standing at the top of the glass tower, on the point of it, staring at me.
Me: Dear God, please help me to be less biased and more open concerning this guide. Amen. OK. Look, you ARE a guide, is that correct?
Her: Yes.
She seemed... I dunno. Not sullen, but I had the feeling something about me had made her less .... cheerful than she would normally be.
Me: OK look, I'm sorry I'm such a jerk about all this. There is nothing wrong with you I guess, you are whatever you are. I just am surprised by it and kinda put all this in another category because of what you look like.
I turned back to IG.
Me: I'm embarrassed! That's what it is. I blog these meditations. I don't like looking like some kind of new agey fantasizing fool. At least some of my meditations are more like traditional internal magick, shamanic workings. Talking about someone who looks like a faery just puts me in the total-retard category. Even my friends will think it's retarded, I'm sure of it, and they LIKE me already.
The half-size girl vanished from the top of the tower, and a woman appeared in front of me. I couldn't 'see' her head very well to describe her, but her body was normal and wearing something like an evening gown. Her, I was much more comfortable with. She was normal. I reached out and took her hands in mine, and tried to imagine that we were 'sharing energy' in some way.
But it felt... well, kind of a wrongness.
Me: IG, my last IG told me he could take any form for me. So why do I feel like her taking this form just isn't... really right?
IG: Because it was his choice. She doesn't feel the same way about it.
Me: Nero? Nero!
He appeared in his normal place.
Me: Nero, is all this for real? I feel like it's not for real.
Nero: {seeming amused} So I am real, but she is not?
Me: Yes but I *know* you. I feel you, I usually at least semi hear you--sort of... sometimes I feel you, or see you... you feel like part of me now. I trust you.
Nero: You've hardly had time for that to happen here with her.
Me: Well she ain't even talking to me! What's the point?
Nero: Well maybe if you'd stop being rude and insulting at least briefly, some actual conversation could happen.
Me: Oh.
I spent awhile pacing. Yes, this is dumb, I pace in my inner world. I can just think and 'be' somewhere, yet I actually imagine pacing. How ridiculous is that. Finally I come back to where the woman in the evening gown is standing.
Me: I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being rude and, and refusing your real self. Please be who you are. I will learn to deal with that. I'm sorry for being insulting about it.
She turned back into the other thing, standing in front of me, the top of her head came up to about my middle chest.
Me: What is... your name?
I could feel myself closing down before I even finished the question. I wish I could get over this resistance to hearing almost everything. It sounded something like,
Me: "Call-me? Isn't that two words? Or do you mean I should call on you?"
Her: Calmè.
I sensed the letters that would make this in my language. It sounded like something "between" calm and colm, and the last sound wasn't even a whole sound, almost like an "eh" and "ah", between them but only half that. Like the 'e' was "almost entirely silent"--just not quite.
Me: 'Calmè' {I said, trying to LISTEN this time and pronounce it as close to how she had as I could.}
Calmè: That will do.
I stood there staring at her silently for a bit.
Me: What do you, ah, 'do' with me?
She held out the thing in her hand and touched the side of my left shoulder with it.
Me: Oh for godssakes. That better not be a wand.
She just stared at me without comment.
Me: I don't feel anything. Apparently either you don't have much power or this just isn't working for me.
Nero: How about you let something work for you?
I wanted to open up. I really did. I wanted to be all generous and loving and ooh-aah and oh-look-a-faery and have some wonderful experience. I just couldn't. I stood there feeling recalcitrant and frustrated and sullen. I wanted NORMAL PEOPLE. Why had all the early ones been normal and not this one? Maybe IG had given me the normal ones first? Maybe at least some were guised to seem normal for my sake?
Me: IG, can I just have all my existing guides now.
I had the feeling from her that I didn't need to ask her; I only needed to think of it and they would be there. They all appeared around me, in the same relationship they had previously. For some reason I felt relief.
Me: Where do you go? (to Calmè)
She vanished and I felt her appear a bit behind me and off to the left. Most of that area (my left side/back) doesn't have any guides there yet.
Me: Nero, does this mean something, the positions you guys appear around me in? The star, orbit, geometry thing?
Nero: Not in quite the way you're thinking, no. It isn't quite the matter that you're making of it. But on a subtler level, it does mean something.
I 'thought' of him holding my hands in front of me and so he was, and I imagined us trading energy through the hands, and then I imagined hugging him, and merging into him. That worked. I didn't have a merge-rush but I did feel it happened. I felt so grateful that he was so normal. And to think I had an issue with his name initially. Now he seems like the most normal of the bunch in a way.
I turned to Taan in front of me and did the same thing. I felt such affection for him all the sudden. He was not only normal, but he had such a good, sweet nature. I hugged him happily for awhile first. I thought thankful things at him during it, for having such a good nature, and then we merged. Again no rush, just awareness that it had fully happened.
Me: Ithikah?
He motioned to Bolehren.
Ithikah: Her next.
Me: I -- why is that?
But I could 'sense' it. She was like on the 'inner circle' around me so far and he was pointedly the 'next row out', behind Taan. I had the feeling that this didn't have to matter, I could just do the order I wanted, but that my question to Nero about their placement had caused him to demonstrate there was some point to the physical relationship they had around me.
I took Bolehren's hands and we shared energy, and then I hugged her. She is also delightfully normal. I hugged her for longer, glad she was normal and nice. Then we merged. Except she didn't vanish into me 100%. Some percentage of her seemed 'unmerged' and that stepped back and vanished.
I started to ask Marcan* but then realized that L'anna was standing between Bolehren and Marcus now. I'd forgotten about her. So she and I held hands and then hugged. I actually felt a slight sense/rush of merge with her. I wondered if this was because she was still so new to me we had more energy to join or something. She had more percentage of her left-over than Bolehren had, and that stayed separate and then vanished.
I held the hands of Marcan*.
Me: I feel that I really owe you some... time. Thank you, for staying with me in the dream where I met you. The content of that was a little weird to me, makes me nervous. I'd like to formally request, in case it helps at all, that if such a thing should happen again, anybody who can should help me get lucid, recognize you, and/or just wake up like I did then. That seemed to get me away from the black-eyed guy.
Then I hugged him. I felt a sense of guilt. Something I didn't blog is that a couple viewing sessions ago I was not getting data and I thought at him, 'Marcus! I thought you were supposed to help! Well you're not help at all! I could be incompetent at this all on my own quite well, you know?!' Now I felt slightly abashed about that. But I just hugged him for awhile until we merged. I don't remember if I felt anything then.
That left only Calmè and Ithikah. I suddenly remembered how Ithikah had shown me that 'he' as a name was actually a 'shape' and the words were much less 'him'.
I grabbed my laptop next to me and made the shape and put it in the old blog post with his name on it to demonstrate the shape. It occurred to me with some fascination as I did so, that pretty much every letter in the name I got, fits 'into' that symbol. Bit of 'almost' on the 'A' is all. Now that is just kinda weird. I set aside the computer again and went back to the meditation. I took his hands and hugged him. Which was funny, because I only came to his chest, much like Calmè had on me.It occurred to me, I thought maybe with his help, that it might be a tad unfair that if I have a guide so tall I come to his chest, that is ok, and that if I have a guide so short she comes to my chest, that is somehow not ok. I had a subtle sense from someone, not sure who, that her being a woman was actually part of this. That I was less likely to accept something out of the norm in a female, for cultural reasons. That stopped me and made me think for a moment. I decided yeah, I do think there is some of that culturally--men as 'outliers' in our culture are better accepted, but I hadn't thought of it before in quite that way, and hadn't realized that I would be guilty of the bias myself. Ithikah and I merged, and finally I turned to Calmè and thought at her to take my hands.
I imagined trading energy with her, and 'accepting' her. I hugged her, and I asked IG to help me, as I could still feel resistance, much like I'd had with Taan just of a different nature. It seemed funny to me then, that I could possibly have rejected Taan, let alone hated his happiness, when he was so normal and nice and felt great. Then it occurred to me that despite not actively working with these guides, I do seem to be getting more comfortable with them. Perhaps it's happening on the dream level or something.
Calmè and I merged, but only somewhat. Most of her couldn't merge, which I suspected was my own fault. But the rest of her went ahead and vanished, and so I was done.
I looked over to where I sensed IG.
Me: Are we done?
She nodded in another direction, and I followed her gaze. The dark smoky-glass tower thing still stood there. I had completely forgotten about it, so distracted was I with the guide that showed up on top of it.
I tried various things on the tower and nothing worked. I sighed. This couldn't be easy, right.
I put my hands against it and leaned my cheek against it with my eyes closed. (In person, I put my hands flat together (like praying) and then lean my cheek against them.) I tried just to 'imagine rapport' for awhile and see if anything changed.
After awhile I suddenly realized it was gone. I must have spaced out a bit. Although I hadn't seen anyone inside it apparently there had been as he was now standing where it had been.
Except I recognized him. It was the roman centurion I had 'unfrozen from stasis' long ago. (Blog of that med is here.)
Me: Hey IG - holy shit! Hey that's never happened before. I've had this arch before! I mean normally even when I have the SAME named-archetype it's different, except of course with the planets which usually look the same but that's different, sorta. This IS the same guy, not just looks like him, I feel it.
IG: It is not an archetype.
I looked at him again. I remembered kissing him. I remembered deeply apologizing to him. I remembered the unique note in the meditation where he showed up, that I had never before "felt guilty" about an archetype as if I had 'entrapped' or 'frozen' them in some way. Was he a guide? Maybe that's why he'd felt different. And acted a little different. I wondered why IG had not volunteered there was anything different about him the last time or that he was a guide. Then I realized she hadn't usually with any of them; it was up to me to work it out. And I hadn't really been able to merge with him, I recalled.
He stood there much like I had left him in fact. Just staring at me silently. He was wearing the earring I had given him, which suddenly made me aware of the armband he had given me, on my right upper arm. I leaned up on my tiptoes and kissed him. He didn't resist or non-respond but didn't respond with much either, but he didn't pull away. But I pulled back and considered him with a frown.
Me: Is there something I can do to... to more fully free you? I feel like somehow you are not actually, totally, in the clear. Like we're not... we're not done with some working needed first.
Him: Yes. Help me free my horse.
I was silent for a moment and then I just burst out laughing.
Me: Your HORSE? You want to go get a HORSE?!
I cracked up again.
He didn't seem to think it was very funny. He didn't say anything. My humor faded, and I just stared at him a bit more with my brow furrowed in a frown. I could FEEL myself frowning, it was so pronounced.
Me: I guess that can't be worse than the faery. At least a horse is a normal creature. If it's that important to you, then I guess, let's go do it. Take me to him. Her?
I felt it was a him. The soldier moved then and put his hand on my waist. I closed my eyes and imagined letting him 'move us' to wherever the horse was.
I opened my eyes when I felt we'd arrived. It was very cold. I don't think I've ever felt a 'temperature' inside my inner world before, I noted. Even when the sun took me to a part of it where I'd never been. So the temp seemed novel. We were in what seemed like the rocky outcroppings of mountains, someways up the mountain but not super high. There were portions of fairly flat land here and big gray boulders all over the place.
He pointed at a huge boulder.
"That is my horse."
I hesitated. "It looks like a big rock to me," I observed.
"It is my horse. Trust me on this," he said.
And I promptly fell asleep. Denial I guess. I mean literally I was pretty wide awake and at that moment I just PASSED OUT. That's incredible.
I woke up and blogged this. I COMPLETELY FORGOT about him and the horse until I got tot he point in my blog where I remembered IG pointing me at the glass tower and all that followed. I stopped blogging and sat back and put myself back in the environment where I last remembered being.
I imagined putting my hands out in front of me -- the huge boulder was about 15 feet from me -- and just imagined that all my guides were in me and helping me and we were pouring energy into the heart of the stone. It felt so powerful, as if they were really helping or it was really working.
I imagined that I was bringing to life something at the core, rather like I had done for the Roman in fact, and sort of 'thawing from cold stasis' the horse. My body started 'rushing'. Shivers ran all the way through me in a major rush-feeling as I worked on the horse. It reminded me of some archs I've done where in working on THEM, I felt it in MY body.
I had the most bizarre, crazy thought. I wondered if maybe *I* was actually the horse. Or some aspect of it. Seth once said part of him was living as a dog. Maybe part of me had been living as a horse. This guy's horse. I nearly started laughing again with what a crazy thought that was, but I was distracted by how powerful the process felt.
I was slightly hyperventilating with the rushing as I kept imagining pouring all that warm energy in, and then all the stone just sort of exploded outward in tiny pieces and dust and the horse was there, a big black stallion type of horse, and I kept imagining the energy until I felt the horse was fully restored--it reared and did whatever that sound horses do--I don't even know what to call it, I know so little about horses!--and I stopped and just watched it.
The Roman was there and hugging its head and petting its neck and talking to it in a low voice I couldn't hear and the horse appeared to be equally affectionate. I really don't know jack about horses. Nearly died on one when I was 16 and lost interest in them after that frankly. Nothing like a concussion--pain you cannot imagine with the gentlest step just to get to the bathroom--to pretty much do in any real interest in something.
"Can I touch him?" I asked the Roman. He stepped slightly to the side and I went up to the horse. I put my hands and cheek against his front shoulder.
"I'm sorry if I did this to you at some point," I said honestly. "I'm so glad you're free now." I leaned back a little and looked at him, and his big eye looked at me and I had the sense that this horse was sentient. Not 'like' a person, but still, sentient totally, in its own way.
Apologizing seemed necessary for some reason. Like... owed. Like it helped ME to say it; like it just "had to be said." But then I felt like an intruder in a way and I stepped back away to where I had been and he and the horse continued their weird little love fest and conversation. I figured I was done there so I imagined being back with IG again.
I told her thank you, and then I rolled the world up inside me and came back to blogging.
It occurred to me after that I had never even asked him his name. Nor am I sure he's a guide. Maybe there is something else. And what about the horse?! Would he be a guide WITH the horse? Would the horse be a guide? Now that's just funny. Maybe he's just some... I dunno.
Maybe there is more to the universe than just archetypes and guides. Or maybe he's just not ready to be a guide. God only knows.
Well anyway.
I don't really know how much I accomplished but at least I did make an effort.
I was going to go see the rest of The Four in The Tower when I was done but of course I'd fallen asleep. Maybe I'll do that now. That'll probably put me back to sleep. Which since it's now 4:20am might be a good thing.
PJ
PPS> Marcus later said 'Marcan' was better.
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