History & Environment Review, and Nedmund

For some reason, I think to kind of review and make it clear to myself as well as to anybody else, I feel like talking about the overall structure, environment, of my "inner world." And whatever the people are all over the plateau. And a new introduction to a guide loosely called "Nedmund" because I couldn't really get any closer to a name than that. This will be boring to anybody else, I'm writing it for me, so don't feel any kind of impelled to read this one lol.

The Sacred Space

When I first 'go to meditate', I 'unroll an inner world' that I imagine is kept stored in a microdot in my heart chakra. My 'sacred space' as I was taught to call it. Unlike most people's warm safe shady garden-like area, mine is a high plateau of stone, warm enough from a desert-like environ, but arid and windy up that high.

It's curious to me this is what I was most attracted to. There is nothing in my life experience along these lines, short of maybe a couple visits to the Southwest, which didn't make much impression on me besides the Grand Canyon being rather amazing.

I have often dreamed about being on Mars, in an environment a little like this in a way, except among 'ruins' of some kind. In the dreams, it feels like the ultimate 'longing for home', and things just impossibly big in some way, but everything there is millions of years of dead, creating a "lonely homesickness" inside me that is physically palpable.

I've had a lot of other dreams related to Mars that are just odd, from 'programmed dreams' of earth people having a future there (having been rescued by aliens :-)) to what you might call ordinary or metaphysical dreams that just touch on the concept (me and a certain friend [who is insanely psychic] are sometimes in dreams together about it, often with funny symbolisms like 'red tickets' to Mars and a lot of intrigue).

I feel very safe in this space. Nothing can come at me from anywhere really, but the sky, which feels pretty improbable and I'd see it coming. It's like a small space but totally open for my 360 degree vision around me. Kind of like the ultimate 'keep'-effect perhaps; my moat is over a thousand feet deep and wide is all. I won't sit in restaurants with my back to an open space -- I'm just not comfortable, I want my back to a wall -- so maybe this is some suppressed paranoia effect. Anyway, when I built the space that felt safest to me 20 years or so ago, that's how it ended up.

This environment, like everything else in my inner world, is subject to change, both deliberately and seemingly autonomously, and a little of both. ('Imaginal' is what that 'combination of both autonomous- and intentional- is called. Not imagination, but that + a totally separate-from-you thing that combines for some third-realm. I consider most of archetype work to be "imaginal" in that definition.)

The Plateau

When I roll out the inner world, I am sitting or standing (in whatever manner I am physically) on my plateau. The ground is rock with a thin layer of a sort of dirt that is just the powdered crumb of rock, reddish-brown. I actually found a picture by accident one day that so reminded me of my "sacred space" that I bought it and made it the background for my first esoteria blog, Red Cairo. In this picture, the place where I am centered/appear, is about in the middle of the block of plateaus near the middle-left of the pic, the part where they seem to kind of join together more. Off to the rear of that group (the continuance of the cliffs) is where things develop for me in that outer-world--the plateaus kind of grow to just be a flattop area.

In the right of the picture, "the rest of the world", my back is to that when I appear. I've never explored any of that.

To the left of the picture, that is what I'm facing, the area I go into to find my 'cave' and through that, yet-another world that is my 'Archetype'/Inner-Guide area. That is like a 'valley' of sorts that I look down into from my plateau. On the far side of the valley, the cliffs change to mountains.

I got this picture from Fotolia, which I recommend as a fabulous and affordable stock photo site, but I lost the artist/copyright name and haven't been able to find it even on their website to add it. It was titled, 'Surface of the Fantastic Planet'.

I really like heights (which is odd, I know). It was almost surreal how much this fantasy picture looked like what I had visualized a decade prior, although more from the first-person 'on top of those central plateaus' perspective, and mine didn't have all the 'extra' plateaus around (or the giant alien sun/moon lol).

Anyway, the plateau is a lot more extensive now. Originally it looked a lot like the picture. Just one of those high rock-plateaus. Eventually, over at the far right of it I found this giant 'trench' as if between plateaus or a break of sorts. On the other side of the trench, some ways off, I built a house. Deliberately, as part of a meditation exercise. It was two stories and had a huge front door.

Dor

I later recruited an energy-block I had found inside myself, turned it to MY side, seduced it by telling it that it could be a door instead of a wall and play BOTH roles, evolve, if it would work with me instead of against me. I named it Dor and used to have relationship with him. He was interesting and could "give me insight" that made me gape with astonishment, very impressive. He wanted energy as trade, which was ok with me.

One day The Four just 'disconnected me' from Dor, and made me take off the pendant I wore (that he'd requested and I'd had made as a physical anchor for his energy). They did not feel it was appropriate or allowed he hang out in me. Go figure. They didn't even give me any argument room. It just "was". Later I thought that perhaps it was not healthy or something and just needed to be done; he was an 'internal attachment', an entity created by other entities; not an innate part of me.

The House

Every day I would fly out to the house on the other side of the trench and sit on the couch and imagine talking to an 'outer guide' or two. It 'sort of' went ok. I could not directly hear or see them, but if I "relaxed and allowed" I would get the "intuitive understanding" following anything I asked.

I used to do archmeds daily and when you are consistent with these, let alone if you do them in a slightly altered state, the results are something you just have to experience to even believe what's possible. This work becomes a literal virtual reality, where the characters (and structures and environment) are "autonomous" and everything just surprises the shit out of you constantly and is amazing.

As time went on the house got busier. It looked like the Star Wars bar scene! All kinds of weird alienish, faeryish, creatureish, animalish, machineish, critters-people-things all over the place. My house was the hip hang-out for things even scifi has never dreamed of. The funny thing was that most of them didn't pay any attention to me, it wasn't like they were all there 'for' me or anything. Maybe the house was such an energy beacon it just attracted passing identities, who knows?

There really WAS a 'bar' at the far side of the house, and it functioned kind of like a saloon/hotel, with rooms upstairs and more. It was really pretty astounding after awhile, as if it was totally growing without even awareness on my part let alone anything intentional. I would just walk in and it was a little larger and had some new area, like a lucid dream but more... consistent.

All I know is that it was really, really amazing, and while the inner environ was constantly in flux, the overall environ was consistent and got "more real" all the time. All of this work is building thoughtforms of course, so the more regularly and intensely you put energy into them, the more powerful they become.

Things changed and I didn't meditate for a really long time. When I went back, the house was no longer vibrant, had a 'black and white shades of grey' old-photo feel and was forlornly empty and dusty when I went in. I wandered it and then sat alone and nearly cried. It was like going back to the house you grew up in and instead of your whole family-friends you expected, finding that everything and everybody had been wiped off the map and it's a condemned shell in a ghost town. I vanished the house and ignored any 'other possible areas' of my plateau for years.

The Castle

Then one day, during a period when The Four and I were interacting a lot, I saw this building, down on another plateau separated and on the valley side. The plateau was tiny, literally the building took up the entire space on it and you had to fly to get to it. It was like a single-room of some ancient white marble-esque structure, open on all four sides, somehow both minimist and elegant while also being impossibly opulent.

It reminded me a lot of the paintings of [still looking for his name here] in some way, he has these white castles in the sky with surrealist stuff. It was as if THEY had put it there, NEAR my sacred space. I went down to it and inside it--and to my mind came an overlay from verse, #51 in chapter 1 of Liber al vel Legis that reads:

There are four gates to one palace; the floor of that palace is of silver and gold; lapis lazuli & jasper are there; and all rare scents; jasmine & rose, and the emblems of death. Let him enter in turn or at once the four gates; let him stand on the floor of the palace.

I've often wondered if this verse has some mild reference to 'the Four'; if I could not merge and be all of them in our groupsoul, how could one enter 'at once the four gates'? But maybe I'm just so desperate for any written-philosophy that matches my experiential-reality that I am stretching it a bit.

I went in and I don't remember the meditation, but the next time I unrolled my inner space it had changed again, and radically. The 'trench' had vanished. The separate tiny plateau with castle-room had vanished. And over to my right there was now this huge walled garden that stretched out for eons, and I followed it until I reached the outer landscape of a castle in the distance. (The garden is not there now unless I request it. I had many experiences there but then it just went away.)

There is a really long, shallow pool that stretches probably about 1/8 of a mile from the garden [far right of me] to the castle proper. The bottom of it is a multi-colored stone mosaic in a 'double helix' DNA-looking pattern -- 2 of 2; The Four. (I had never thought of DNA or genetics related to The Four until then.) I see it when I fly over it toward the castle.

The Tower

The castle is where 'The Four' are centered. We each have our own area in it. Up near the top, there is a big round room called 'The Tower'. (There are actually separate higher towers of the normal sort around the castle, but this is inside it, in the middle.) The Senior had told me to "come to the Tower" but I didn't know what he meant, except that it was in/on the castle. I wandered the castle until gold light arrows appeared in the air in front of me, and literally led me through it, and up a big spiral staircase, until I reached the tower room which is up high.

Inside the tower is a huge symbol on the floor I've never looked closely at (waiting until it 'spontaneously' shows itself to me, so that my mind won't make it into something imaginatively). As "The Four" we are always there; it is a matter only of whether I am 'paying attention'. That is like the anchor place for us 'inside me'.

I usually go to my mate and wrap my arms around him, and put my head against his chest and just relax and breathe into him. The Senior and The Queen as I call them, the other 'higher' couple of our Four, are there and sometimes talk to me/us. They are 'holy' and although in one way I feel part of them and comfortable with that, in another way I have a sense of respect-AWE for them that makes me a little more inhibited. Inner Guide can be there if I ask for IG but is not unless I ask.

The Four insisted on introducing me to a whole group of other guides there at one point, which for some reason deeply upset me. I held onto my mate like a scared child and refused to deal with them. Eventually, unwillingly, and with IG's help, I shook their hands. Aside from Nero, who had showed up in a remote viewing session (but not part of the target, I knew) just prior to that, I didn't have any conscious clarity on any of them. Then I avoided the tower.

I started hanging out 'outside' it, a roof-like area of stone (the top story of the castle, which is outdoors). Since I refused to go in there, a lot of stuff "came to me" outside instead. There were some meditation experiences stemming from that, and I did a little archetype work inside the tower, but I have avoided the castle since that time. Even when I go to my 'sacred space', I am aware of it in the distance, but I avoid going there.

The Senior tells me I should be going there regularly to work with them. I know he is divine and that not obeying him is just crazy, but I have such resistance. I didn't want to meet all the people he seemed to want to introduce me to. I feel threatened by that.

It feels as if they are 'the next geometry out' of the Four, which is why I assume something mathematical and that perhaps there is like 12 or 16 or something like that, but I really don't know. The understanding I get, if this is accurate, is that somehow the more consciously aware I am of them, the more awareness I technically have of 'myself' because they are and/or represent energies that are also-me, and the more 'inherent power' I have as a result--control over my larger self of energy.

I am not real ambitious at this point in my life and it feels like Nero, the Four, pretty much everybody inside me, seems to have a lot higher expectations of me than I am living up to.

I haven't been to the tower in a long time. It doesn't appear that avoiding it helps, since IG promptly started stuffing Guides into my experience as if the Senior had told her to; there is no escape!

I might add that I think the reason I react so badly to this, with such fear and resistance, is that it's a form of death. The definition of "I" is seriously expanded -- that is to say, changed, hence obliterated and rebuilt differently -- with every new 'part of me' that I have to extend the "umbrella of identity to cover". Literally, it threatens the very core of my ego.

Outer Guides

When I unroll the inner world, I always have a sense of 'people there' who are 'around me', spread out all over the plateau. Sometimes I sense a few, sometimes many. The more 'regularly' I meditate, the more there. When I plan something major in meditation ahead of time, or am unusually emotional, more are there. Nero and others can be there or not as I choose.

The woman who taught me shamanic workings of various sorts, including archetype meditations (although (a) she based this on Steinbrecher's book so some I got from him, too, and (b) of course this 'evolves' with the meditator themselves over time), she called all these people "outer guides", as opposed to the singular "Inner Guide" that, from my 'sacred space', I would go through a cave to find. I don't know if 'outer guides' is the right label for them.

One time, I invited a so-called 'outer guide' from there (a woman I knew named them this), into an 'inner guide' meditation. He seemed blown away by the experience, which I found interesting. The next day when I went in there was an entire crowd that wanted to go, that he'd invited--it was like a college class of young men or something, totally rowdy with energy, I kept having to tell them to settle down.

So there seems to be a real difference between the 'identities' I was taught to call 'outer guides', and my actual Inner Guide (one identity, but it changes out from time to time), and 'Archetypes', and The Four (like a group-soul I think), and what I call my Consortium (initially I called them the Coalition), which is a bunch of people that are (a) extensions of The Four and (b) apparently 'Guides' in the typical sense. They tell me that I and they 'overlap' in energy, that we are meant to operate seamlessly and that much of what I think comes from or is 'me' is as much them. I find it all confusing but I'm getting better at accepting it.

I don't know what that leaves for the people on my plateau to be. They don't seem like any of the above. This would all be so much easier if these entities would fit into the little categories my culture already has. Then I'd have some decent model for them.

Instead I usually have the experiences and then struggle to find a way for my brain to handle it and know how to label it and relate it to everything else in my experience. Wouldn't you think there would be more written down? Aside from Jung and Steinbrecher and Jane Roberts -- all dead now, and their work related to my stuff but is not quite the same -- who writes about this stuff??

It is pitiful to imagine that someday in the future, someone will have nobody but me, some nobody-blogger, for shared experience on these things. Surely there are far more qualified, better written, more experienced people who ought to be documenting some of this stuff.

Body Guides

When I sink into the ground atop my cliff for various body-related meditations, there's a whole other cast of characters.

I once was taken on a tour of one of my eyes. I arrived in a slightly wet dark dank area, and met a frog with huge eyes. He opened a big trap door staircase in the ceiling for me and made it clear he could not go, just me, but that I needed to climb up and go to the end of the hall it led to. I went up it and then walked down a hallway, ignoring the doors, and a door at the end opened. A lizard-guy made entirely of ice (yet dry) was like a silent guide. (He appeared at the end of the meditation as well, and then melted into nothingness.)

He took me to a man with a beard in a suit and a british accent. That's hilarious. I guess I must have some association with men in suits with british accents that worked well for that energy. The man showed me around the eye. Told me that he was, get this, "the collective representative identity for the energy of my eyes," how crazy does that sound. He told me they needed more hydration and I literally signed a scroll for him officially authorizing a larger allotment of water intake to his area. I told him that he made it seem almost like "body politics," competition for a limited natural resource as if it were money, and he said dryly, "You have no idea."

The eye -- seen from the back I believe -- in that perception was mind-bogglingly fantastic. It was like the most complicated computer graphic scene in a movie EVER but in 3D (at least). There was this small part-rounded, short (few feet high) 'wall'-like area at the side of the room, and we went over to it and looked over it -- it was totally open beyond that, no floor, as if we were at least a few stories up.

The space went way down and some ways down was this gigantic round (galaxy-like, sorta) collection of individual buckey-ball shaped slightly-convex thin 'plates' and they were all in constant motion not only individually but also moving slowly around together (but irregularly together, like water molecules in a tide). There was something akin to a metal bucket filled with fluid at one side that I decided was my symbol for part of a tear duct maybe.

The 'concept' slightly reminded me of a big radio telescope made from a million little mini-telescope-plates except these really were individual with a slight space between them and the whole thing had that "elegance of divine technology" feel that some body-based remote viewing targets have had for me (like one I did on red blood cells).

But that's something akin to body-identities so that isn't a 'guide' either. I guess. Long ago in one of the most profound experiences I've ever had, a realization came to me: "Identity is an arbitrary collection of consciousness assigned a title" -- that it could be infinitely combined or separated -- and my experiences with my body, such as the eye I mentioned above, and such as 'Captain of the Guard', make me think this must be true.

Maybe we are all many things on many levels and all at once.

I have had other 'body-type' experiences and I usually sink into the cliff for them as if the plateau overall represents my body.

Back to people on the plateau

Very little that I do seems to affect the people on the plateau, so a lot of my inspiration for trying to send them energy or something has faded. I really just don't know what to do with them, who they are or why they're there. I assume they're related to me or why would they be present. I think of them as 'guides' sort of, but some I apparently have no interaction with to speak of. There are more of them when I'm doing 'regular' work or when I have planned something serious in advance.

At times I've held hands with some and attempted to introduce myself. I "go deaf" and "blind" when I try to very consciously talk with them--this is my own denial. I am only gradually, slightly, working through the same problem with everything in the archetype area. Getting better.

Once upon a time, a man named Brin was out on the plateau, and Stet -- 'outer guides' it appeared. Them, I perceived, much like I do Nero. Brin I once actually saw and heard as clearly as I would someone in regular life, one day, and I freaked out about that. A short time later, I spontaneously 'released' him--an intuitive act, I was just letting it roll -- so he disappeared, delightedly enough to nearly hurt my feelings.

The strange thing was that I had two cats when I met them, both big males, one half siamese and one a ginger tabby. Brin and Stet were asian and something akin to "an auburn cowboy" which hilariously fit the cats. I would never have noticed this sync if it were not for the fact that the siamese's name was Brynner (after Yul Brynner the actor) and I called him Bryn. He disappeared right after I 'released' the guide Brin. Sometime later, the tabby disappeared, and I expected he would come back--he did once a couple months later for half a day--then vanished again, and I haven't seen Stet inside since then either (and much like the cat he sort of faded away without comment).

Now the thing is, part of me thinks, "Ok then it's all fantasy, you're just very creative, that just proves it." Another part of me thinks, "It makes sense that your guides would partly-manifest in your pets, to physically anchor their energy." I haven't noticed any correlation between my pets and other so-called guides. Then again aside from Brin and Stet I have not met anybody clearly who seemed in quite the same category they were.

Maybe it's my idea that everything needs a category and label that is part of the problem. Maybe we have an infinite number of relationships and they span a "spectrum" not easily labeled.

Nedmund

Last night I forced myself to act responsibly. IG has told me repeatedly that 'consistency means more than quantity' with meditation. So before I got too sleepy I made a point, for the third day in a row, to drop into my other-world.

Because I didn't blog it promptly, I've forgotten nearly all of it. Suffice to say though that it went more positively than any meditation I've done for awhile. I felt a bit odd, going into it. Happy. Relaxed. Huge sense of humor.

So I said alrighty IG, give me whatever you like, feels like it'll be a guide right! I've never felt so totally ok with that as I did last night.

I worked on his name for awhile and still am not sure that is right. The problem with this is that it is energy not alphabet that is given me. So the name is like 'Edmund' 'Redmond' 'Bledland', and yet, the sounds of "ed" and "und/and/end" are supposed to be 'together' not separate, and the flat-'ed' sound is supposed to be twice-that, and there are a little taste of some other letters in there and -- I run into this in intuitive writing/speaking, dang it -- there are a bunch of "letter-sounds that do not exist in my language" but which the energy needs for being manifested.

It really makes me wonder what effect language has on the creation of reality. Do we limit our energetic creation in part by how we limit our language?

In words we can only stretch things out in TIME; we cannot "intensify" them, if you see what I mean. So something that "should" be one syllable with several flavors, dimensions, sounds, intensities, instead has to be multiple syllables, which is both way too shallow, and way too extra, and just--wrong.

Everything that is a guide-name is a little bit wrong and may or may not sound anything like a real name as we have them. So that's why some sound so silly. It's just my pitiful translation.

I do recall now that he was really close to me, inches away, male, I noticed his eyes a lot. I asked him why he was so CLOSE to me (really in my personal space like inches from my face) and he said he wanted to be sure that I was aware of him. He took up the space to my front left, kind of opposite Bolehren.

Jared and El Niño seem to be the rear-guard; they have kind of taken up the position behind me. I like them there. For some reason that seems strong and secure. Like I have the calvary at my back or something.

I totally forgot that I talked briefly to Jared again last night while in there. I asked him why he had never had the helmet I associate with the Roman Centurions. He said he doesn't need it here. I asked him why he isn't wearing chain mail and he said leather works fine for him in this place.

Nero did say that these 'positions' the guides take are not as literal and meaningful as I am assigning them, but do have some small meaning at least. I think it helps me to use this approach though, because then everyone has a place, a name, I can fairly quickly be 'aware' of each of them without forgetting or getting too confused.

Finally

I feel like I've been kind of pushed to walk through all this as a sort of history summary. And a sort of "OK, we've recapped, now start from here, move forward more proactively now, and RETURN TO THE TOWER ALREADY" message from the Senior. Sigh. Alrighty then.

I guess since avoiding the tower did not spare me having to deal with the 'other-extensions-of-us' located there, then there is no real reason to avoid it anymore. I belong as part of The Four.

Next meditation... I'll take IG to the tower.

PJ

Archmed: The Lake; Jared and el Niño

Earlier today I went in to see Calmè and again apologized for being a jerk and thanked her for putting up with me.

This evening I went to IG and told her I wanted to do a meditation related to work. Right now my future is iffy. It looks like I'm going to end up doing a buncha little piece of other things from other people and have to be glad for it, glad to have a job. I know very well that probability-wise, there is no reason why my long history of managment and tech plus 4.5 years in the firm can't arrange some opportunity to take a new product line for example and project manage that. No matter how it doesn't exist right now. It could happen. Thus far I have really had zero in fact negative levels of ambition with this firm for the first time in my whole life--but that was because I was so profoundly burned out from the previous 23 years it took a few years to work past that, and then there's the issue where so far the options have seemed to require someone in CA and I cannot move there. But this option or something akin to it sounds good to me, and it might not exist presently, but that's what magick is about after all; causing change in accordance with will. The worst it could do is 'not work' and I'm out what, a few minutes of attention? The best it could do is hugely improve what I spend the majority of my waking life on. Well worth the effort!

IG: Close your eyes.

That was odd but I did, and I felt as if I were on a conveyor belt being moved backward, way beyond the space available before the outer wall of the cave so something had changed. Finally it stopped.

IG: OK.

I opened my eyes to see I was on the far edge of a walkway that had extended me to the middle of a small pond or lake, just as all but the panel I stood on broke away, receded to the other side and vanished. So I was standing there in the middle of the lake on this like, 2'x2' square floaty thing.

I wondered why she made me close my eyes and concluded that I would have 'expected' some kind of archetype behind me on the ground near the cave of course, so she had to shut that down enough that she could have me become aware in a different location. It occurs to me maybe I should always try and 'clear my mind' enough to let her do that if she needs to.

The lake seemed pretty and normal, round, and the sun was shining. The land around was sparse trees. The water was probably about a quarter mile diameter. I stood there for awhile thinking that this IG has challenged me so much more than others. What, the 'water of life' is going to 'heal'... a lake?? With no visible problem?

I imagined holding my laptop and on the computer screen ran a program that gave me a sonar and thermal joint map of the interior of the lake. Over on one side, there was this big area, like a bubble from the edge, that was like a 'dead zone'. Nothing it it at all. On the opposite side, there was this big area, another bubble-type area from the edge, that was stuffed with something irregularly shaped and dark and a little frighteningly mysterious. I vanished the screen and thought about it.

Apparently I would have to go underwater, I concluded. I was about to dive in when part of me thought, "What if there are monsters in here?" I'm so ridiculous. But I've learned to trust that whatever I feel I just have to go with it, validate it.

Rolling my eyes at myself I enlarged, stabilized, then moved my platform over to the edge just offside of the 'dead zone'. I created a holograph in the air that starting at the bottom of the lake, built up and showed me the picture of what was 'in' that part of the lake in detail. It looked like there were two things 'intruding' from the ground at the side of the lake. Sorta 'medium-dark blue rubber things' sticking into the water. Yet they seemed kind of alive, too. I couldn't figure out how to get them out. I mean they were coming from earth so I couldn't pull them out the back. My impression was that they were poisoning the water, but only in that 'zone', like it was a "sphere of influence" more than a liquid poison.

I concluded I'd have to go down in there.

For some reason I had this concern that it wasn't safe so I imagined that my regular body stayed and my 'semi-astral' body went down there. Whatever was sticking into the water looked like of like a venomous sea creature, an airplane ugly plastic floatation cushion, and a toxic waste spout all in one somehow. I imagined I had a big vaccuum tube and I sized it around this bottom one, totally against the edge, and then I had it 'suck it out' totally into the tube and seal firmly. Then I imagined closing up that empty space and strengthing the edge of the lake so nothing else could intrude like that, and I sent the sealed container to attach to the floating panel the rest of my body was standing on.

Then I did the same for the top one, which seemed to be 2 or 3 of these things, big and horrible and disgusting looking frankly, a little like the head of an octopi at times. Filled in and firmed up that area. The 'sphere of influence' seemed gone. It was healthy now but there was nothing in that space. So I imagined sinking a tiny but complicated old boat with many open window ports and then bringing in a fish school and various clingy creatures and re-establishing some kind of health marine habitat there.

I went back to my body, and took the two containers and went 1/4 of the way around the lake and got off at the shore. I asked for some experts to show up and help. A big industrial looking building appeared and two men were standing near. "What do I do with these?" I asked them. They took me into the building, into some area with a big clear tank about 20' wide by 15' high by 10' deep, and one of them poured the contents of both vaccuum tubes into a big tank and sealed the tank. The bizarre shapes got even more amorpheous and it seemed like there was ink or something as they blended into the tank.

The men threw some kind of switch and a variety of energy things happened that eventually reduced everything in the tank to pure energy, and then neutralized anything unpleasant, and then the water cleared up. It was like putting shock in a pool or that stuff in fish tanks, very sudden. I didn't feel anything though. They told me that although the water was clean they only released it in areas where nothing was intended to grow anyway 'just in case' so I felt better. I thanked them and went out and the building vanished.

I went around the lake to where the big irregular dark mass was seen on the screen earlier and I brought over and stepped on my 'floating panel' and went just outside of that area and did another holographic, show-me-what's-there thing.

It looked like human corpses, but somehow covered in rubbery darkness too. I was grossed out. The closer I looked the grosser it got.

Me: IG, I find it hard to believe I have this serious an issue--dead corpses. Because you know, anything THAT bad usually I wouldn't be able to see or perceive well. Besides, normally work is my best area, I've always done well there.

IG: Dead?

She sounded like it was a commentary on my perception, not a real question.

So I looked at them again. I really couldn't see anything well enough to tell. Again it looked like a dark rubbery-ness too down there and gross bloated dead humans, more than one, seemingly all men. But there was no way I was going underwater for that stuff.

So I got onto the shore and imagined a giant dredging machine was on the land. A scoop came and completely scooped up every bit of the funky stuff from the lake and held it aloft. I solidifed and strengthened what was left of the side of the lake, and did the 'restoration' I'd done on the other side. Then I brought back the big facility and the guys and the scoop dumped into a tank about 5x that size and then everything but me and the tank vanished.

I stared at the tank, as everything moved and swirled and diluted some with the water. I imagined a lever that did the energy-thing that the last tank had and everything that was not human gradually disappeared, reduced to energy, made neutral. That just left 5 dead guys drifting around.

"Stand up," I commanded them and vanished everything else. They stood limply and deadly in place, but I knew already they weren't really dead or why would IG have said that. I began to imagine "a light of life inside them". It grew right between the heart and solar plexus like a spark of light right in the center of them, and then begin to grow.

I could see that it restored them, much like restoring the roman and his horse had gone. Except this took time. I mean I tried to just imagine it happening quickly in all 5 of them but it couldn't. I had to literally focus intensely and PUSH and stay with it, going all the way down their body through feet, then back up to the middle and upward. All 5 at once. Finally at the head, it was even more work. Like I just had to really focus on every detail and buh-lieve it, yeah-uh! in order for it to work, like faith and patience were part of it. Finally I had only the head left and it took awhile for the heads. When finally the crown of the head was the last thing finished, big light shone all the way through them, beaming up into the sky like a spotlight. I had to go through the heads one by one to make this happen though and it took awhile. Finally they were all just standing there. Normal guys, it appeared.

Me: Who are you?

Them: "We are you," they said in unison.

Me: Oh that creeps me out! Don't do that again. (But I kinda laughed.)

I tried to figure out what to do with them. I mean all the work I'd done so far I'd had no sense of merging, suggesting maybe I wasn't finished. I asked them for something to trade energy and they all put little motes of light between my heart and solar plexus, 5 across, like a 5-star belt of orion inside me. I had the urge to give them (it's often weird, bear with me) the muscle from my right upper arm, which I had to put in the left upper arm of every one.

Then I imagined trying to merge into each. I did have the sense that this worked as far as integration goes but I felt no rush whatever.

Thinking about it, I remembered the dome carnival archmed and so I imagined everything including the entire huge lake, that I expanded to encompass that and then integrate with everything, with the whole landscape. I felt some rush from that, and felt it was what I was supposed to do, as a result. Not intense or long, but enough to know something worked. I went back to IG.

Me: I feel like if I don't get a major rush that maybe it's not done well. I wanto to manifest that. Can you help? Will you help? Can we do others?

She nodded. "Consistency is more important than frequency," she reminded me.

I nodded.

Me: IG... what about the roman soldier guy and the horse? Could I... maybe see them again?

They appeared. He was on the horse this time. The horse was such a tall stallion he sat above me. I went up next to them and put one hand on the neck of the horse and one hand on his thigh and imagined sharing energy with them.

Me: Are you a guide?

Him: Yes.

Me: And... the horse?

Him: He is part of both of us.

Me: I see. (I wasn't sure I did, but never mind.) What is your name?

Him: Jared.

Me: Just like that? I just get it that clearly, after the big mystery of everybody else's? That doesn't sound like a Roman name to me.

He said nothing.

Me: What's the horse's name?

Him: El Niño.

Me: You mean like the ocean warm thing? Isn't that like... little boy?

He grinned a little then, and patted the neck of the horse. The BIG adult male horse. "Yes," he said affectionately, talking as much to the horse as to me.

It occurred to me that if it's his horse, he oughtta know its name, no matter how odd it seemed to me, so I shrugged a little, focusing again on one hand on the horse's neck and one hand on his thigh as he sat above me.

Me: It was nice to meet you both. I... well I assume we will meet again at some point. Do you know it's been exactly a year--minus like 6 days--between the time I met you and then met you again? That seems like a heck of a coincidence since I certainly didn't remember it consciously. Anyway...

I imagined sending warm love and light to them.

Me: Thanks for coming.

I backed off and bowed a little. The horse kneeled a little and he bowed slightly and they vanished.

I turned to IG but whatever I was going to say vanished from my head as I said instead, fervently, "IG, I love you so much. I'm so lucky to have you! Thank you for everything!"

Then I rolled it all up and I was done.

Hoping to do more soon.

PJ

Calmè, and the Horse

I did manage to make it in to do a little med work last night. In my opinion this did not go well. But at least it happened I guess. Unfortunately, after that I passed out and slept so deeply I missed going to the grocery store which I needed to do, had to cancel my remote viewing date by phone which I was too sleepy even to talk to, etc. And it's yet another example of feeling forced to blog about something that totally embarrasses me. Oh yeah but aside from all THAT it was just fine, oh brother!

**

I went to IG just to talk to her, initially.

Me: In all honesty IG, I feel like when I do archs that I let you choose, where I don't know what they are, it just doesn't go as well. I mean I read some old blogging yesterday and I see that sometimes it does but my "feel" is that there is something missing from those. Like it's important for me to know.

{silence}

Me: OK. Well, I was going to ask for an arch but I guess I will just let you choose. Apparently that was my pre-complaint but nothing changed. I think another thing that bothers me is that I worry you're going to keep giving me guides, as you seem kinda driven that way, so it makes me a little paranoid about it as that bothers me. I want to be able to trust that if I ask for you to choose, I get an archetype.

{silence}

Me: But well, ok, I admit I do really feel like I should let you choose what we do and it shouldn't always have to be archetypes.

{silence}

Me: Oh for godssakes. FINE THEN. You just choose what we do. But listen, I already feel strongly that yet-another new guide is involved but you know it just doesn't seem right, I don't even know the ones I have yet--and yes, I admit that's totally my fault and avoidance, not yours--but I'd like to have some time to get to know the existing folks first, before introducing more. So can we do that?

Finally she said something.

IG: No. We have something of a schedule. We need to work through more of them. You will just have to make an effort to 'catch up' on your conscious work with the guides, to get to know them better.

I just stared at her. I don't know why I found it so shocking she said no. And since when does so-called spiritual work have any kind of time-window? I couldn't think of what to say for a bit so I just stood there pouting grumpily. Finally, feeling somewhat depressed--because it doesn't feel like I'm properly in control of this, and it seems like if it's my spiritual life it oughtta be under my control--I just said (a bit morosely and quietly):

Me: Alright then. Whatever, I guess. Let's do something before I fall asleep here. Some kind of meditation.

I felt something like an archetype behind me and I turned. I couldn't see it well, especially near the top, and it was about 15 feet tall and somewhat conical shaped yet a rubbery like texture and a tannish-brown color. I walked around it a bit. Then I called in the rainwater of love and stood there a bit letting a torrent of water fall on it. During this I got distracted by some personal daydream, then I brought myself back to it.

The arch now looked like a tall skinny cone, a dark-glass or crystal tower of sorts. It looked a great deal like something I had once before--not as an archetype, but that showed up near The Tower in the castle where The Four and I often meet--back then I remember it was 'planted' like growing through the floor outside near the top of the tower where I was hanging out, because I had refused to spend enough time inside so something was coming to me. I seem to recall it eventually shattered and inside it was... someone? I can't remember very well. It's a miracle I remember anything at all if I don't blog it, and that's only because I can read it later. Anyway, I didn't see anybody inside it, and I pondered what to do about it.

I looked away from it, thinking on the previous 'variant' of this symbol, when something suddenly appeared on the top of it. I looked back. A small... sort of person, about half my size, with wings, female, something in her hand, appeared on the top, like an angel on the top of a christmas tree, except more faery-like. That was just stupid so I looked away again. Probably imagination and I'd let that pass.

It didn't pass. I finally looked back again.

Me: Oh my god. No. NO. That's totally retarded! If YOU are the guide, forget it. I don't do, ah, faeries or whatever the hell you're supposed to be.

IG finally seemed a little more communicative.

IG: In your last meditation you made it clear that you wanted to know the true form of your guide. So, this one is showing you her true form.

Me: Oh give me a break! That can't be real. That isn't real.

IG: Giant frogs like your previous IG can be real, but not this? Why is a big slimy frog more "ok" than something a little like a faery?

Me: Because faeries are STUPID. That has to be just imagination, and bad at that. Frogs are... well, ok, really weird, but far more cool. Anything would be more cool.

She was silent, but I had the overwhelming feeling that she thought me expecting my interior life to be 'hip' by the standards of my exterior culture was... totally immature, if not downright moronic.

Me: Fine then. FINE! For goddsakes.

I turned and went forward to the half-sized human girl with wings who was now just standing at the top of the glass tower, on the point of it, staring at me.

Me: Dear God, please help me to be less biased and more open concerning this guide. Amen. OK. Look, you ARE a guide, is that correct?

Her: Yes.

She seemed... I dunno. Not sullen, but I had the feeling something about me had made her less .... cheerful than she would normally be.

Me: OK look, I'm sorry I'm such a jerk about all this. There is nothing wrong with you I guess, you are whatever you are. I just am surprised by it and kinda put all this in another category because of what you look like.

I turned back to IG.

Me: I'm embarrassed! That's what it is. I blog these meditations. I don't like looking like some kind of new agey fantasizing fool. At least some of my meditations are more like traditional internal magick, shamanic workings. Talking about someone who looks like a faery just puts me in the total-retard category. Even my friends will think it's retarded, I'm sure of it, and they LIKE me already.

The half-size girl vanished from the top of the tower, and a woman appeared in front of me. I couldn't 'see' her head very well to describe her, but her body was normal and wearing something like an evening gown. Her, I was much more comfortable with. She was normal. I reached out and took her hands in mine, and tried to imagine that we were 'sharing energy' in some way.

But it felt... well, kind of a wrongness.

Me: IG, my last IG told me he could take any form for me. So why do I feel like her taking this form just isn't... really right?

IG: Because it was his choice. She doesn't feel the same way about it.

Me: Nero? Nero!

He appeared in his normal place.

Me: Nero, is all this for real? I feel like it's not for real.

Nero: {seeming amused} So I am real, but she is not?

Me: Yes but I *know* you. I feel you, I usually at least semi hear you--sort of... sometimes I feel you, or see you... you feel like part of me now. I trust you.

Nero: You've hardly had time for that to happen here with her.

Me: Well she ain't even talking to me! What's the point?

Nero: Well maybe if you'd stop being rude and insulting at least briefly, some actual conversation could happen.

Me: Oh.

I spent awhile pacing. Yes, this is dumb, I pace in my inner world. I can just think and 'be' somewhere, yet I actually imagine pacing. How ridiculous is that. Finally I come back to where the woman in the evening gown is standing.

Me: I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being rude and, and refusing your real self. Please be who you are. I will learn to deal with that. I'm sorry for being insulting about it.

She turned back into the other thing, standing in front of me, the top of her head came up to about my middle chest.

Me: What is... your name?

I could feel myself closing down before I even finished the question. I wish I could get over this resistance to hearing almost everything. It sounded something like,

Me: "Call-me? Isn't that two words? Or do you mean I should call on you?"

Her: Calmè.

I sensed the letters that would make this in my language. It sounded like something "between" calm and colm, and the last sound wasn't even a whole sound, almost like an "eh" and "ah", between them but only half that. Like the 'e' was "almost entirely silent"--just not quite.

Me: 'Calmè' {I said, trying to LISTEN this time and pronounce it as close to how she had as I could.}

Calmè: That will do.

I stood there staring at her silently for a bit.

Me: What do you, ah, 'do' with me?

She held out the thing in her hand and touched the side of my left shoulder with it.

Me: Oh for godssakes. That better not be a wand.

She just stared at me without comment.

Me: I don't feel anything. Apparently either you don't have much power or this just isn't working for me.

Nero: How about you let something work for you?

I wanted to open up. I really did. I wanted to be all generous and loving and ooh-aah and oh-look-a-faery and have some wonderful experience. I just couldn't. I stood there feeling recalcitrant and frustrated and sullen. I wanted NORMAL PEOPLE. Why had all the early ones been normal and not this one? Maybe IG had given me the normal ones first? Maybe at least some were guised to seem normal for my sake?

Me: IG, can I just have all my existing guides now.

I had the feeling from her that I didn't need to ask her; I only needed to think of it and they would be there. They all appeared around me, in the same relationship they had previously. For some reason I felt relief.

Me: Where do you go? (to Calmè)

She vanished and I felt her appear a bit behind me and off to the left. Most of that area (my left side/back) doesn't have any guides there yet.

Me: Nero, does this mean something, the positions you guys appear around me in? The star, orbit, geometry thing?

Nero: Not in quite the way you're thinking, no. It isn't quite the matter that you're making of it. But on a subtler level, it does mean something.

I 'thought' of him holding my hands in front of me and so he was, and I imagined us trading energy through the hands, and then I imagined hugging him, and merging into him. That worked. I didn't have a merge-rush but I did feel it happened. I felt so grateful that he was so normal. And to think I had an issue with his name initially. Now he seems like the most normal of the bunch in a way.

I turned to Taan in front of me and did the same thing. I felt such affection for him all the sudden. He was not only normal, but he had such a good, sweet nature. I hugged him happily for awhile first. I thought thankful things at him during it, for having such a good nature, and then we merged. Again no rush, just awareness that it had fully happened.

Me: Ithikah?

He motioned to Bolehren.

Ithikah: Her next.

Me: I -- why is that?

But I could 'sense' it. She was like on the 'inner circle' around me so far and he was pointedly the 'next row out', behind Taan. I had the feeling that this didn't have to matter, I could just do the order I wanted, but that my question to Nero about their placement had caused him to demonstrate there was some point to the physical relationship they had around me.

I took Bolehren's hands and we shared energy, and then I hugged her. She is also delightfully normal. I hugged her for longer, glad she was normal and nice. Then we merged. Except she didn't vanish into me 100%. Some percentage of her seemed 'unmerged' and that stepped back and vanished.

I started to ask Marcan* but then realized that L'anna was standing between Bolehren and Marcus now. I'd forgotten about her. So she and I held hands and then hugged. I actually felt a slight sense/rush of merge with her. I wondered if this was because she was still so new to me we had more energy to join or something. She had more percentage of her left-over than Bolehren had, and that stayed separate and then vanished.

I held the hands of Marcan*.

Me: I feel that I really owe you some... time. Thank you, for staying with me in the dream where I met you. The content of that was a little weird to me, makes me nervous. I'd like to formally request, in case it helps at all, that if such a thing should happen again, anybody who can should help me get lucid, recognize you, and/or just wake up like I did then. That seemed to get me away from the black-eyed guy.

Then I hugged him. I felt a sense of guilt. Something I didn't blog is that a couple viewing sessions ago I was not getting data and I thought at him, 'Marcus! I thought you were supposed to help! Well you're not help at all! I could be incompetent at this all on my own quite well, you know?!' Now I felt slightly abashed about that. But I just hugged him for awhile until we merged. I don't remember if I felt anything then.

That left only Calmè and Ithikah. I suddenly remembered how Ithikah had shown me that 'he' as a name was actually a 'shape' and the words were much less 'him'. I grabbed my laptop next to me and made the shape and put it in the old blog post with his name on it to demonstrate the shape. It occurred to me with some fascination as I did so, that pretty much every letter in the name I got, fits 'into' that symbol. Bit of 'almost' on the 'A' is all. Now that is just kinda weird. I set aside the computer again and went back to the meditation. I took his hands and hugged him. Which was funny, because I only came to his chest, much like Calmè had on me.

It occurred to me, I thought maybe with his help, that it might be a tad unfair that if I have a guide so tall I come to his chest, that is ok, and that if I have a guide so short she comes to my chest, that is somehow not ok. I had a subtle sense from someone, not sure who, that her being a woman was actually part of this. That I was less likely to accept something out of the norm in a female, for cultural reasons. That stopped me and made me think for a moment. I decided yeah, I do think there is some of that culturally--men as 'outliers' in our culture are better accepted, but I hadn't thought of it before in quite that way, and hadn't realized that I would be guilty of the bias myself. Ithikah and I merged, and finally I turned to Calmè and thought at her to take my hands.

I imagined trading energy with her, and 'accepting' her. I hugged her, and I asked IG to help me, as I could still feel resistance, much like I'd had with Taan just of a different nature. It seemed funny to me then, that I could possibly have rejected Taan, let alone hated his happiness, when he was so normal and nice and felt great. Then it occurred to me that despite not actively working with these guides, I do seem to be getting more comfortable with them. Perhaps it's happening on the dream level or something.

Calmè and I merged, but only somewhat. Most of her couldn't merge, which I suspected was my own fault. But the rest of her went ahead and vanished, and so I was done.

I looked over to where I sensed IG.

Me: Are we done?

She nodded in another direction, and I followed her gaze. The dark smoky-glass tower thing still stood there. I had completely forgotten about it, so distracted was I with the guide that showed up on top of it.

I tried various things on the tower and nothing worked. I sighed. This couldn't be easy, right.

I put my hands against it and leaned my cheek against it with my eyes closed. (In person, I put my hands flat together (like praying) and then lean my cheek against them.) I tried just to 'imagine rapport' for awhile and see if anything changed.

After awhile I suddenly realized it was gone. I must have spaced out a bit. Although I hadn't seen anyone inside it apparently there had been as he was now standing where it had been.

Except I recognized him. It was the roman centurion I had 'unfrozen from stasis' long ago. (Blog of that med is here.)

Me: Hey IG - holy shit! Hey that's never happened before. I've had this arch before! I mean normally even when I have the SAME named-archetype it's different, except of course with the planets which usually look the same but that's different, sorta. This IS the same guy, not just looks like him, I feel it.

IG: It is not an archetype.

I looked at him again. I remembered kissing him. I remembered deeply apologizing to him. I remembered the unique note in the meditation where he showed up, that I had never before "felt guilty" about an archetype as if I had 'entrapped' or 'frozen' them in some way. Was he a guide? Maybe that's why he'd felt different. And acted a little different. I wondered why IG had not volunteered there was anything different about him the last time or that he was a guide. Then I realized she hadn't usually with any of them; it was up to me to work it out. And I hadn't really been able to merge with him, I recalled.

He stood there much like I had left him in fact. Just staring at me silently. He was wearing the earring I had given him, which suddenly made me aware of the armband he had given me, on my right upper arm. I leaned up on my tiptoes and kissed him. He didn't resist or non-respond but didn't respond with much either, but he didn't pull away. But I pulled back and considered him with a frown.

Me: Is there something I can do to... to more fully free you? I feel like somehow you are not actually, totally, in the clear. Like we're not... we're not done with some working needed first.

Him: Yes. Help me free my horse.

I was silent for a moment and then I just burst out laughing.

Me: Your HORSE? You want to go get a HORSE?!

I cracked up again.

He didn't seem to think it was very funny. He didn't say anything. My humor faded, and I just stared at him a bit more with my brow furrowed in a frown. I could FEEL myself frowning, it was so pronounced.

Me: I guess that can't be worse than the faery. At least a horse is a normal creature. If it's that important to you, then I guess, let's go do it. Take me to him. Her?

I felt it was a him. The soldier moved then and put his hand on my waist. I closed my eyes and imagined letting him 'move us' to wherever the horse was.

I opened my eyes when I felt we'd arrived. It was very cold. I don't think I've ever felt a 'temperature' inside my inner world before, I noted. Even when the sun took me to a part of it where I'd never been. So the temp seemed novel. We were in what seemed like the rocky outcroppings of mountains, someways up the mountain but not super high. There were portions of fairly flat land here and big gray boulders all over the place.

He pointed at a huge boulder.

"That is my horse."

I hesitated. "It looks like a big rock to me," I observed.

"It is my horse. Trust me on this," he said.

And I promptly fell asleep. Denial I guess. I mean literally I was pretty wide awake and at that moment I just PASSED OUT. That's incredible.

I woke up and blogged this. I COMPLETELY FORGOT about him and the horse until I got tot he point in my blog where I remembered IG pointing me at the glass tower and all that followed. I stopped blogging and sat back and put myself back in the environment where I last remembered being.

I imagined putting my hands out in front of me -- the huge boulder was about 15 feet from me -- and just imagined that all my guides were in me and helping me and we were pouring energy into the heart of the stone. It felt so powerful, as if they were really helping or it was really working.

I imagined that I was bringing to life something at the core, rather like I had done for the Roman in fact, and sort of 'thawing from cold stasis' the horse. My body started 'rushing'. Shivers ran all the way through me in a major rush-feeling as I worked on the horse. It reminded me of some archs I've done where in working on THEM, I felt it in MY body.

I had the most bizarre, crazy thought. I wondered if maybe *I* was actually the horse. Or some aspect of it. Seth once said part of him was living as a dog. Maybe part of me had been living as a horse. This guy's horse. I nearly started laughing again with what a crazy thought that was, but I was distracted by how powerful the process felt.

I was slightly hyperventilating with the rushing as I kept imagining pouring all that warm energy in, and then all the stone just sort of exploded outward in tiny pieces and dust and the horse was there, a big black stallion type of horse, and I kept imagining the energy until I felt the horse was fully restored--it reared and did whatever that sound horses do--I don't even know what to call it, I know so little about horses!--and I stopped and just watched it.

The Roman was there and hugging its head and petting its neck and talking to it in a low voice I couldn't hear and the horse appeared to be equally affectionate. I really don't know jack about horses. Nearly died on one when I was 16 and lost interest in them after that frankly. Nothing like a concussion--pain you cannot imagine with the gentlest step just to get to the bathroom--to pretty much do in any real interest in something.

"Can I touch him?" I asked the Roman. He stepped slightly to the side and I went up to the horse. I put my hands and cheek against his front shoulder.

"I'm sorry if I did this to you at some point," I said honestly. "I'm so glad you're free now." I leaned back a little and looked at him, and his big eye looked at me and I had the sense that this horse was sentient. Not 'like' a person, but still, sentient totally, in its own way.

Apologizing seemed necessary for some reason. Like... owed. Like it helped ME to say it; like it just "had to be said." But then I felt like an intruder in a way and I stepped back away to where I had been and he and the horse continued their weird little love fest and conversation. I figured I was done there so I imagined being back with IG again.

I told her thank you, and then I rolled the world up inside me and came back to blogging.

It occurred to me after that I had never even asked him his name. Nor am I sure he's a guide. Maybe there is something else. And what about the horse?! Would he be a guide WITH the horse? Would the horse be a guide? Now that's just funny. Maybe he's just some... I dunno.

Maybe there is more to the universe than just archetypes and guides. Or maybe he's just not ready to be a guide. God only knows.

Well anyway.

I don't really know how much I accomplished but at least I did make an effort.

I was going to go see the rest of The Four in The Tower when I was done but of course I'd fallen asleep. Maybe I'll do that now. That'll probably put me back to sleep. Which since it's now 4:20am might be a good thing.

PJ

PPS> Marcus later said 'Marcan' was better.

L'anna

I was touching base with the guides I have met so far. Nero nearly always appears where I first-ever saw him so clearly, to my left a bit in front and above. (I was sitting on a piano bench and he was standing beside the edge of the piano, when we first met. So, that position.) Taan stands right in front of me and I always 'feel' his good humor. Ithikah stands behind him a few feet but he's so tall I see him right over Taan's head. Bolehren stands to the front right corner of me, between the front and the side. Marcan* stands slightly behind me off to the right a bit so I can just see him peripherally but have to turn to face him. They settled in like this 'was' their position. I had the weird sense that I did eons ago in the Tower with The Four where it was kinda like we were all stars and our pattern relationship was orbits and geometry.

Anyway. I completely forget what I was doing or thinking but I was sliding toward dream alas. There was some problem I was aware of, and a woman slid her hands into my torso from the right side of me and began manipulating the energy inside me to help. After a moment I realized this was not part of the sort-of-daydreamish-something going on, and that this was NOT Bolehren who was standing next to her. I looked at the woman. She had sandy blondish straight hair, about shoulder length.

I suddenly realized that one reason they all seemed to desire me to be better familiar with them, is because I ought to just 'know' who is working with me. I shouldn't have to see them or be surprised by it, like once I was previously when Taan joined a conversation Nero and I were having.

I said to her, "You -- are you another Guide??"
"Yes," she nodded, pulling her hands back and relaxing.
"Stand in front of me so I can see you better," I requested, and she appeared where Taan was as he stepped back.

I considered her. She looked vaguely familiar, not like I had seen her but like I had maybe known someone who looked like her just a little. Or was it the 'medical' feel, I suddenly wondered? Then I got it: she actually, I felt, put this into my head: she looks a little like 'the Keeper' on that TV show 'The Invisible Man' - a woman who is a doctor... and more. I remember watching the show just recently and really noticing the woman and kind of wondering why I liked the character so well. I had the sudden sense that SHE (the Guide) was aware of all this at the time and had "helped" me focus on her as part of attempting to prepare me for her, sort of. I remembered Taan telling me that he had always been part of me, not just when I 'became aware' of him.

"IG? Is she part of Nero's group, my consortium?" I asked.

"Yes," she confirmed. It struck me that this one, like Nero and maybe Marcan*, had gone out of her way to proactively put herself into my attention; IG had not brought her, the way that Taan, Bohleren and Ithikah had happened. I looked back at her and considered her thoughtfully for a minute. I can't see her THAT well. I have occasionally almost-flashes.

I asked her name. This was another miserable attempt as they often are. I tried to be quiet and listen and feel but much like with Taan, what I really got is, "It is just like this-name but it totally isn't this-name at all, that's wrong, and it sounds different than that." I mean... that hardly helps! It sounded rather like 'something-anna'. And yet it wasn't like a whole syllable up front. Finally frustrated, I actually started putting it down (typing in my computer in my google spreadsheet where I was earlier working on meditation ideas), each syllable in a cell, attempting to go through it and 'feel from her' what was right.

Nothing in English was right. I remembered a dragon-energy I met in 1994 whose name I could best make out then as N'efsana. It suddenly struck me that despite not being able to hear my guides AT ALL until Nero, I'd been having whole conversations with something, obviously. That wasn't a guide though, I felt sure of it. But that in turn suddenly made me realize...

"You don't speak my language in your world, do you?" I asked suddenly.

"No," she said.

"But our worlds, they are... similar, right?" I asked.

"In some respects," she said.

I thought about that. N'efsana was so NOT human. Maybe Guides aren't all human? Maybe she emphasized that TV show character in part to help "build me" an image that was human and I'd be more comfortable with. Maybe they just take human form with me? Maybe they're killer whales or something, I once had an experience where I was a whale on a planet that was entirely water, that seemed an amusing idea. Maybe they just live in alternate realities?? I remembered how my previous IG as I got to know him and see him more clearly I realized he had odd spots and gills and white clammy skin and black eyes and then later he showed me that he was a gigantic frog-like creature and just took human form for my sake. Of course I was in love with him by then anyway--the nature of an Inner Guide--but well... still.

"How is your world like mine?" I persisted.

"The physical reality is very similar," she said, and for some reason I felt slightly relieved that she probably was human after all, though I'm not sure why it would matter. I had the feeling she was looking for how to say all this succinctly. "But the... communication and relationships and... technology, are very different."

I just sat there thinking about that. It occurred to me that what would be 'normal' is if I were really interested in that. Like, really fascinated, tell me all about your world and so on. Yet I had this curious DISinterest, I realized. In ANY of the worlds my guides came from. I mean intellectually that seems like the kind of thing I would find intriguing, and yet I couldn't think of anything that I felt less concerned about, like, totally don't tell me! I don't want to know! Weird.

"I feel like I should be more interested," I confessed.

"When you are in other worlds you learn what you need there," she said. "You don't need from your world to know anything of the others."

I remembered experiences where the female of The Four and I have shared a body, with one of us being 'the dominant personality' in some life on this planet and the other being something akin to a soultwin/guide inside. But those are always 'here'. I thought about possibly living in other worlds.

"In other worlds," I said hesitantly, wondering why this felt important to me, "Do you think I might do... do healing of a sort, anything like you do, for others?"

"I'm certain of it," she smiled.

But that ended all my momentary bare interest in the topic so I dropped it.

I had the feeling though that it was important that if I were going to be aware of my guides and have names for them, that they were comfortable with the name, that it worked for them, as if this had some energetic effect between us.

I told IG: "I am calling her L'anna because that's as close as we can get as I'm a little blocked as usual, but I think this is not really as good a match as it should be. She accepts it for now, but please help me get a better match to it. Please help me get to know her and come to understand what her focus energy is with me." She nodded, and I stepped back away from both of them and the woman guide vanished.

Then I decided I better write this down before I fall asleep. But I intend to go back and do another round with all of them, visualize holding their hands and talking to them as IG had suggested some time ago I do daily.

I suppose if there is no getting out of being forcibly introduced to them, and no getting out of being forced-to-awareness that we 'overlap', for whatever reason it might someday help me to be aware, that I might as well try and develop at least a good enough relationship with them all that I can recognize them more clearly. I owe Marcus some time, for sure.

As for blogging about them, well, I blog about my internal life. I figure if I go stark raving mad there will be some breadcrumb trail and I can serve as a warning to others. Or maybe somewhere out there in the universe is someone else with a 'Four' and so on and they will find me and feel relieved they're either not crazy or at least not alone in being so.

Subject change: I'm back on lowcarb again finally, for the last couple days. I'm telling myself it's just an amazing coincidence that I didn't finally finish that meditation until I was back on LC and that in fact while off it I didn't do any. I really don't see how my food intake could matter much to my spiritual life.

I just finished a cup of quality coffee with cream and 'german chocolate cake' flavor sugarfree DaVinci syrup. They sell a couple flavors in tiny bottles in the grocery coffee section, but the DV company has probably 100+ flavors of the stuff in SF (sucralose not sugar). Netrition.com has a $4.95 contiguous-US shipping flat rate and the bottles they sell are these huge heavy things, packed well, so any coffee freaks who like flavored sweetener, that is my trivia for the day. We had stir-fried chicken & broccoli peppers etc. for dinner. I am already missing carbs--sugar is my alcohol apparently--but I'll live. Someday I'll have to meditate on the animals I've eaten. That would probably be the one that really did kill me LOL.

PJ

Knight of Wands, part 6 (4/4)

Finally! My god! It has taken SIX MONTHS to get all the way through this ONE archetype. I've never had anything be that hard before -- to do or "to get around to" doing. Finally this morning I managed to get to the last meditation to finish it off.

I couldn't see the arch through most of it. I just held onto it. Everything I did 'to' the arch I felt personally, with all kinds of 'rushes' and 'buzzes' through my whole body. Mostly just all the basic stuff. When I was finally done, it looked like me. Geez. The 4th of 4?? Maybe I should have seen that coming. We merged and spent awhile on that. Then I pulled in a merge each of the other three and THAT was a really body rocking merge altogether.

When totally done, I did another meditation on the relationship between me and my guides, with an emphasis on my resistance/issues. The arch started out as something like a spider-human hybrid that was about 20 feet tall. Ok... apparently I have some problems there LOL. By the time I finally finished, I was able to merge a bit, and then I went through and held the hands and focused on each of my outer guides in turn that I've been introduced to (Nero, Taan, Bolehren, Ithika, and Marcan*), and then merged them all into me which was a great rush.

IG was invisible--I've been out of this too long--but I felt great with her at the end. I've got to do more of this for my own good.

I'm happy enough now. That was my goal for the weekend, was to get through that meditation -- which I should have done six months ago. Finally, I can move on!

I don't really even know what all this accomplished but anything this difficult is powerful so I know it's for the good. I'm hoping to make a sort of loose 'plan' of archs to work through, aside from whatever IG assigns, from now on. I guess until the next utterly gnarly hairy arch kicks my ass like this one did.

PJ

PPS> Marcus later said 'Marcan' was better.

The Bad-Stuff Guides: Manual Override

As much time as I spend "in denial" it's amazing I get any blogging done at all.

A few days ago I was thinking about my reality. About the idea of creating reality, and about some of my past experiences. I was thinking that I went from athletic to gigantic because I obviously pulled some genetic-hormonal-issue into the forefront of my reality, seemingly by accident but, if nothing's an accident, then I guess by design on some level. I was thinking about why it is a person might choose to experience negative things.

It occurred to me that choosing positive things would be a good step forward, and guides could help me with that. You know, the guides I am always not wanting to talk to. I want to 'claim my own power' and have better manifestation ability, but introduce me to a guide for just that purpose and it just pisses me off because they aren't supposed to be real and I'm embarrassed about it. No dichotomy here!

Then I had this rather abrupt thought: if guides exist to help me manifest what I choose, what if I choose something BAD?

"Nero!" I yelled, as if bellowing in the psychic realm is somehow more effective than talking. My 'sense of him' appeared in front of me just slightly to the left.

"If I choose on some mostly unconscious level to experience something bad, and you're the guide that deals with that genre of energy for me, do you actually help bring about the bad thing?"

"Regrettably, yes," he admitted.

"But WHY?" I whined like my pre-teen.

"All experience is equal," he said, quoting me back at me. "If that is an experience you choose, and that you can learn from, then I would help bring it about."

I sat there thinking about that for a bit. This idea kind of struck me in a hard way. Imagine you get hired and your job is to do anything person X tells you, and you really like person X and want to help them do great things. But person X keeps getting drunk (let's say, to form some analogy to the "mostly-unconscious" state we create reality from) and starts giving you really bonehead commands like "hurt me!" and "screw this up for me!" haha, and you have to do them because that's your job. Even though it might even contradict what you were trying to accomplish in other respects. That would suck! Poor guides. I almost felt sorry for them then.

It occurred to me that one of the problems most of us have is that a great deal of our reality is being formed by parts of ourselves on some kind of 'default' setting. We have belief systems that we don't see well, don't understand, or haven't even thought to look at. We have patterns we don't yet see. It's the stuff under the radar that is the hard part. When we see and understand something about ourselves, we can proactive work on it, ASK for help on it. It's all the stuff we're oblivious to that is the issue.

The more I thought about it, the more it seemed like consciously working with your guides is basically implementing "manual override" for your reality.

It's like saying ok, I know there's lots of stuff going on under my radar here, but since I have a direct line to an aspect of me that wields a bunch of power/influence in this or that area of my reality, I should make a point to talk with them. Just like they're a client or coworker, and I am project-managing my life. If I go talk to them and say something like hey, ok I'd like to have another vehicle now, then I am specifically directing their attention and their help to that area. It's obvious I have SOME kind of issue in that area, or I would not currently be without a car, right? And this basic logic you could apply to anything in your reality that is different than you want it to be, from health to job to trivia.

Seen in that light, the idea of actually being aware of guides and not wanting to meet them and resenting them and not talking to them seemed downright retarded frankly. It seemed perfectly reasonable that this was a "manual override" opportunity that not all people are 'aware' enough to be fortunate enough to be introduced to. It's like someone handed me this great project management tool for my life but I'm over in the corner in a snit because the tool isn't something I found in a book and can write code logically about and implement in some respectable and reasonable fashion.

It would just turn out, wouldn't it, that in the end, the primary 'technology' ends up feeling a lot like praying. Another thing I've spent great time avoiding. I mean dammit, it'd just figure!

(I'm reminded of the end of the movie 'My Cousin Vinnie' where the guy realizes he didn't succeed entirely on his own, and his girlfriend said that'd just be his torture wouldn't it, that he'd just be wildly successful but every damn time he'd have to say THANK YOU to someone.)

For some reason, my "perspective" on the subject of guides seems to be changing a little. I'm getting over it -- a little. I still haven't actually talked to any of them again besides Nero briefly. But I think internally I am getting used to the idea.

Ithikah

For goddssakes. Seriously, what IS it with the 'guides' thing? How retarded does this make me sound having to blog about it?

Not like I haven't been in total denial. I nearly forgot it then I avoided blogging about it, and just realized I'd better do so before I really DO forget and there's probably some internal penalty I'd pay for doing so...

I listened to bineural stuff for quite some time. Then I decided to meditate. I wanted to meditate on the 4th of 4 of the Knight of Wands archetype... talk about overdue. I finally get to Inner Guide and IG takes my hands and I suddenly have this overwhelming idea, "Wait, wait. I shouldn't just ask for this thing I spent 20 minutes repeatedly bringing myself back to meditate on. I should ask IG if SHE has any ideas!"

I know she put this in my head. It's impossible to be mad at her though.

"Oh fine," I say with some humor. "Do you have something for me to meditate on first?" She did.

Before I even turned around I knew it was another guide, another of the (16?) group that is Nero, Taan, Bolehren, and Marcan* so far. I was kinda MAD about it. How can I avoid them if she keeps putting them in my face?? And why do I NEED to meet them, anyway? So what if I never know their name, how is it helping me? I don't really even understand all the relationship very well anyway. It's just confusing to me. So what difference does it make?

I glare at a man behind me. Unlike archetypes there is nothing wrong with him... this is usually a clue. He is about 6'5" to 7' tall, so a bit unusually tall.

"Are you an archetype?" I ask him suspiciously.

A pause. Then he says, "Yes." As he said this, into my head came a variety of visuals, like symbolic geometric shapes, as if anything he said somehow had a whole shape-based core meaning... very odd.

But I didn't believe him. Not like I think a guide would (could??) lie to me but I can't recall, in 18 years of doing archetype meditations now and then, anybody ever doing so. So he had to be for real an archetype.

I call in the Water of Love to rain down on him and clean/heal/improve/etc. him, but I have the odd feeling it's doing nothing. It's like a ghost standing in the rain... unaffected. So I go up inches from him and have it rain hard down on both of us. I really focus on the visualization and imagine I'm soaking wet and that part goes pretty well (thanks to bineural beats for awhile first!). I look up at him, and I say,

"You're SO lying. You're a guide, aren't you."

He admits it. "Yes." Into my head comes another bizarre visual, as if the meaning has shape inside me and it rolls out into something.

"Why did you say you were an archetype?" I complained.

(Into my head comes the realization, I think from IG, that all he actually had said was "yes".)

"Because if I'd said I was a guide you were going to leave immediately. I thought if you considered me an archetype you would stay around a little and work with me, and I could make some connection." (All kinds of visualizations come with this. It's so bizarre.)

(I guess if there is ever a question about whether guides can lie -- or at least mislead -- the answer is apparently yes.)

"What is your name?" I say with a weary sigh.

"Ithikah." Inside me I see a shape roll straight down then out near the bottom then back up and out near the top and it looks like a cross or t with two crosses, one about 3/5 near bottom and one 3/5 near top. That was his name. Like the symbol that 'meant' his name, and the word 'Ithikah' (spelled it as I 'felt' right) was a much shallower 'version' of that shape.

Later I googled it. Ithikah doesn't exist, apparently, but Ithica is a city in New York, the original name being a place in Greece.

Ithikah and Nero? -- greek and roman? -- what is this? I have ZERO interest in greek stuff or roman stuff. And that dream recently, about the archeology site, which actually tied into a dream I had a few years ago of living at that site -- that feels like something from the greco-roman era. This reminds me of how when I had zero interest in Egyptian stuff I had all kinds of symbolism from it. Well now I have zero interest in Greek or Roman stuff yet my guides sure seem to be in that mold. Isn't 'Marcus'* some kind of Roman name too?

And why would it make sense that a 'guide' was from anywhere, anyway? If the whole point is that we are many people, then why would a... geez, what ARE guides? Spirits? Entities? Just aspects-of-self? Fragments of your oversoul? I have no idea. But why would they need to be any given one of those identities? And again, why do I need to know? Name one useful thing that "meeting" my guides is doing for me, besides making me sound even stupider and crazier to people who read my blog.

I did ask him what he did with me. I didn't really hear/get what he said. I thought he said, "public perception", but there were all these shapes rolling out in my head every time he spoke and I got distracted. When I refocused on him I said, "No, I'm pretty sure Bolehren does that or something like it she said. Can't imagine why I need two guides for it; can't even imagine why I need one frankly. He tried to say something else to me, I could feel he was trying to explain, but I couldn't hear him. I realized I was irked about meeting yet another of the group and closing him off.

I wish I could explain why this bothers me so. It just BUGS me! I feel intellectually like I should be fascinated and spending lots of time meditating and getting to know them and golly isn't that groovy but instead I just feel frustrated and exasperated and like I don't want to DEAL with it at all. Like it just completely trods on some boundary issue for me, pushes my buttons, and it makes me kinda mad -- not angry but some emotion close to that (maybe internal panic lol) -- every time I deal with it. It's like it's a belief system I don't have yet. I don't really BELIEVE in guides yet. I still think people talking about it sounds like grapenuts (fruits, nuts and flakes). Yet there it is dammit, like standing in the middle of my reality, and it's not going away! I have the clear feeling that IG is trying to force a change in my belief system, and I know it's for my own good, but that doesn't make it any easier.

I was irked about all of it. I closed the meditation. I went to see IG and I started to tell her about how it pissed me off that she keeps springing some new extension-of-self-guide on me. But before I can rant at her, this huge understanding comes into my mind of how much she loves me and how she is very wise and she is doing what needs doing and it is, in fact, exactly what I want, if only I were clearer with myself, with my higher self, so I understood it is really what I want.

(This reminds me of a time circa 1994 when I was on my knees literally shouting at God, seriously pissed off about something I can't even remember, something my reality was forcing on me and I DID NOT WANT dammit, when I had this understanding hit me that in fact it was exactly, profoundly, what I wanted, and only my stubborn shallow perception was keeping me from seeing that.)

I realize that she has 'given' me this perception. How can I be mad at her. She's awesome. I love her so and she's so great for me no matter how much I gripe about her. So I just end it.

I kinda tried to forget about it. Then talking to my boyfriend on the phone I remembered suddenly. I tried to forget it after that when I realized I needed to blog it. Sigh.

Both Nero and IG told me that at least once a day I should imagine that I am holding the hands of each guide and that we are freely exchanging energy.

I don't really know why. The vague impression I got was that the more I was connected with them consciously, the more of their power I had available to me and the more they could actively help and cause change in my life. It sounds good on paper. But I still don't really understand clearly how this help would come about.

I told my BF that I just wanted my spiritual life to make sense.

"Not bloody likely," he said dryly. I suppose he's right.

PJ

P.S. I didn't even realize yesterday (today for me) was the 22nd. I had decided last Nov. that Jan 22, 2009 was a big power number -- 1, 11 and 22. I was hoping to build and open a group on that date but my computer down for a month put that out of the plan. I didn't even use the date today at work oddly but still don't know how I missed it. Anyway, I wonder if meeting Ithikah on this date has any significance, or if it's just another sneaky opportunity for IG to get one in.

PPS> Marcus later said 'Marcan' was better.

Knight of Wands, part 5 (3/4)

I did this a couple weeks ago and didn't blog it, so predictably I've forgotten most of it.

In the fourth Knight of Wands meditation I was given 4 archetypes to work with and this was on the third of them.

My impression was of an oversized and bulbuous skull, as if I were seeing a skeleton sort of, on a very large and bulky man. He had way too much bone everywhere, like 3x as much as a human is supposed to need. It took me several meditation attempts to connect properly with him and work with him. I ended up doing a lot of visualization, 'water/light/chemical of love' cleansing, and he was only somewhat affected. I had the sudden idea to do a 'sandstorm' which did well at wearing his external until a great deal of it was gone and he was a relatively normal looking person. But he still had more bone than is normal. Maybe that's a symbol in itself.

We merged but I didn't feel anything. We did work a lot. IG seemed to think it was fine, but I felt like some stronger sense 'ought' to come of it, which was frustrating. I hate that! I went back and did a little more with him but still nothing.

As he did not 'change all the way' to normal in some fashion I felt like maybe I wasn't succeeding, but he suggested, 'Maybe that is the way I choose to be.' I had a sense then that just because something is not ideal in my opinion doesn't mean it is bad. I had the sense that the heavy thick bone he had was like a result of my childhood somehow, and so you might say, it was a little heavier than it should be, but it was also stronger, more powerful, and maybe he chose to keep that power/strength rather than be what I call normal or better looking.

I had to think about that for awhile, that maybe it related to my weight -- since this archetype was assigned by IG after a meditation about my weight and pointedly to work through before I got to the next ones on that topic. Like maybe I should interpret it in that context.

As an aside, bone represents 'character' in Biogram. And some related things. It's "foundational".

Well, not real exciting but that's the way it was. Wish I'd blogged it when I should have. One more to go!

Marcan, Black-Eyes and Remote Viewing

Yesterday when napping I had such an 'astral-ish' dream. The sort where you can totally feel your energy body moving around. It vaguely related to remote viewing but I didn't remember much detail. Only that I was lying on a trampoline and gently throwing myself (impossibly) up into the air and then sinking low and rebounding.

Last night I was dreaming and again, I was focused on remote viewing. Not a surprise as I've been working on a human target pool yesterday and today. A man showed up to help me who seemed normal and friendly, we were going to be working on my RV, and I was just feeling enthusiastic when another man showed up very suddenly and pulled me away from him, forward in space but somehow in time as well.

The man who had arrived had a 'fascination' element for me; his eyes were black and hypnotic. In the back of my head, I was concerned about the nice guy, but couldn't seem to think very clearly about it anymore.

We were continuing on this journey, and the first man showed up behind us to join me. He seemed to think that it was his place to be with me related to RV. The second man with 'the eyes' grabbed him and threw him some impossible distance away. I looked back, stricken, worried that he would be harmed, and it seemed he had crumbled in a heap in the distance. But then the new guy's eyes distracted me and we continued on.

The nice guy showed up behind us a second time, refusing to leave me alone with the other. The other guy then grabbed him and somehow threw him into an oncoming speeding car that tumbled over until when I looked again, somehow he was stretched out like a cartoon around the end of a truck, obviously dead. I was getting more concerned now but again the eyes distracted me and we walked on.

A third time, the man showed up beside me, and the guy next to me threw him back on the ground, and the man with me shot him in the head three times. I looked in some horror at all the blood spreading on the ground behind us, and feeling some odd sense of grief I let the man pull me forward and away.

I suddenly woke up, and the dark-eyed man couldn't hold me asleep as I felt he tried to; he was gone to me when I awoke. But I could sense the other man in the dream though--the nice guy who had come to get me three times--as if he were right there with me while I was awake--something I've only felt Nero do before.

I said to him, "Damn, what a dream. Are you real? Are you one of my Guides?" He said yes. I brought us to Inner Guide and asked her if he was in Nero's group and she said yes. I said, "How can you be ok?" He answered, "He can't really hurt me; he can only give you the illusion of my death so you would give up on me." I thought then about how it did seem that when I looked back, his various injuries had sort of followed my attention.

"What's your name?" I asked, apparently too sleepy to remember this part is usually difficult for me, and he said, "Marcus." "Just like that?" I asked with some humor. "So... you are a guide who would work with me on RV, yes?" He nodded.

I still don't really understand the dream. Who was the bad guy with the black hypnotic eyes who didn't want him near me? It had that "three" sequence which I often get in meaningful dreams.

Well so I guess I have another guide now. At least this one's name wasn't hard to figure out.

.
(Edited 21NOV09: Marcus told me he was better with Marcan as a name. I asked why and he said he gave me Marcus because "It was familiar to you" and he wanted me to perceive it without any resistance. So... ok. I have changed the name in the blog so the labels work.)

ArchMed: Fear of Psi #2

This is the second meditation in that fear of psi series. I need to do more of these.

From Jul 18 2002. Archmed: Fear of Psi #2

It was late last night, but I had to go back in to work more with 'fear of psi' arch. I'd been putting it off which is only a sign it needs doing.

First I went to this house I have over past a canyon in my sacred space. I put some energy into its reality as a thoughtform. Just as I was about to turn to the door, I SAW a guide.

SAW him! Visually! Totally clear! For the first time in my whole life! I have 'felt' guides. Once in awhile I can hear like words if they say them quick. I block them - I feel the block - drives me nuts but that's the way it was. I held onto the visual while I said over and over in my head, oh my god! I can see him! I can really SEE him! Oh my god!

I finally said TO him, "I - I can SEE you!! How come I can see you?!" And he said, "Because you are ready for me." I lost the meaning of this because then I was going, "Oh my god! I can HEAR you too!" LOL. I have the attention span of my 5 year old...

Well after a bit, I decided I needed to get to it (the med). He was cleaned off and out and through but nowhere near being a good relationship. So I got myself TO him finally which was a huge effort of will. And I reached for him and put my hands on him and held him close in front of me though he clearly didn't want to be there.

Suddenly I had this huge fear, "My fish! I forgot to feed my fish! They will die! Oh, NO!" -- and I said, "Knock it off! I will not let go of you." I refocused on him.

Suddenly I felt this surge of fear and actual pain in my stomach and thought, "My servers! I forgot to send the money for my servers! This is terrible! Oh, NO!" -- and I said, "I will not let go of you!" and tightened my grip.

I went through about 12 things like this! One by one, every possible thing, every fear, came up in my gut like a hard kick, like I had to let go and focus on something else, but I refused.

Somewhere in there I had this insight that somehow... a lot of "little fears" in my life actually stem from HIM. From the fear of psi. I am not real clear on how. I'm constantly redirecting it into other things in life.

Then fleas were biting me. Then I had terrible itches. Then I had major stomach/pelvic abreactions. My mind tried to go elsewhere. This finally pissed me off to the point that I sat up and forward with my eyes wide opened and just locked the visualization in an overlay over the room around me, so I would not be so easily led away mentally as I am with eyes closed, and every time something bothered me I just dealt with it and then re-affirmed, holding him close, "I am not afraid of you! I will not let go of you!"

Then I said, "Give up. I am not letting go. I will work through you, I will integrate you, I will NOT be afraid."

And for the first time -- archs I fear, I almost never see clearly -- his face came into visual (more concept than vision? ). His eyes looked into mine, and changed radically into these large, orange, vertical-pupil'd cat eyes, the kind the cat-eyed lizard guys have, the hard-core telepath reptilians that seem to think this planet is their property, I knew them way back. I stomped on the fear and held steady and said, "You are alien. You are AN alien... I know that *I* am alien. This doesn't scare me! I will not be afraid of psi! I am not afraid of being alien! I am not afraid!"

Then his mouth came into sense, and this long, snaky forked tongue came out and waved around in my face and I said, "I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU! You are reptilian! -- You are the "ancient brain" -- I know that! I am a reptile, so FINE! -- I am not afraid! I will BE whatever I am -- I AM!"

Then his mouth opened up, and I saw stars and galaxies inside, and it kept opening impossibly huge, as if there was this impossibly vast universe of infinity inside him and I would be infinitely insignificant and utterly lost, and I dug in my heels and held him tighter and yelled in my head, "I am not afraid! I have died in that universe - I have been more dead than this body can dream - I have been dissolved at the ego-core -- I AM! My consciousness will NOT die, nothing dies, it can only change, and I'm willing! I will change! I am all things! I am that universe! You cannot scare me!"

This went on... I don't remember everything about each stage, but it was SOOOO drawn out and dramatic! I refused to be scared by anything, or more accurately, I should say I just dealt with the fear and refused to give into it because it all DID spark me... I insisted on accepting everything as something I was willing to integrate, and I held onto his shoulders and would not let him get away.

I turned to my inner guide (the one with me for such meds) and said, "I need help! What am I supposed to DO with him?! I need some process that will help integrate us, but I don't know what to do!" And I continued fighting to hold on and focus on the arch. I finally had an idea but it was different than normal. Usually in these meds, you do something that affects the archetype. You fix it, change it, heal it, whatever.

The idea was something that actually affected ME as much as the archetype (first time I've had that), a sort of tube of light rings we stood in, and piece by piece starting at the head, it dissolved each of us into the finest particles, then 'cleaned out' the 'space between them', and then merged them into a single body in the middle. Until we were done, and I was it.

And I looked down at my hands, and they almost seemed to grow into long-finger claw-like hands, and I remembered this symbology from when I was 19 and these entities were hanging out in my room, I was a total skeptic but talked to them since they were there and it seemed rather pointless to argue that obvious fact (!?), and my preacher tried to convince me it was 'spiritual warfare', until finally one of them in exasperation at my insisting they were some kind of evil gave me that imagery and freaked me out and I told them to leave and never come back (and my psi of that time in my life went with them, by the way, I hadn't realized that until this med; it came back like a cycle years later).

I looked at my hand and went ahead and further imagined it in that claw form and said to myself inside, as I was now him too, "I. Am. Not. Afraid.!"

It took me like 5 cycles of the TMI focus12 CD to do this and I finally had to turn it off entirely -- it was that hard to stay focused and get TO it.

And to think, when I began this 'fear of psi' as an archetype meditation idea, I thought it'd be a little thing I would just cover 'in case' it related to my seeming self-blocked from awareness.

OK. So I'm an alien ancient-brain reptilian in the insignificance of infinity.

It's just another day.

PJ

ArchMed: Fear of Psi #1

Since I still haven't gotten to #3 of the Knight of Wands meditation, I thought I would post a couple 2002-era impactive archmeds that I just found the record of yesterday. I wonder why sometimes the stuff I most expect to be nothing and shrug off, turn out to be the most mind bending.


From Jul 18 2002. Archmed: Fear of Psi #1

I decided to do an archetype meditation on 'fear of psi'.

While I've never felt this is much of an issue for me, some psychologists, such as Dr. Charles T. Tart, feel that fear of psi is a culturally common thing, much moreso than we realize, so I figured, it could not hurt to give it a try. (Didn't expect much.)

I was using a hemi-sync CD, focus 12 freeflow, which I put on repeat. I first spent some time just getting in a nicely altered state. I feel much more in touch with my 'emotional body' in F12 and I tend to feel emotions and such very _physically_, so it is really good for these meds.

I asked my guide for the archetype of My Fear of Psi. I rather figured this would be a fairly quick meditation, but who knows, maybe useful in some way.

The arch was humanoid. I turned to look at him and nearly hyperventilated as I put my hands on my chest. I couldn't see him well. He was covered with the symbol of fear, a "spiders in the gooey dark" kind of concept. The fear literally gripped me. My heart beat fast. I found myself distracted by other thoughts. Every time I brought myself back and tried to focus on the arch, I started breathing fast and hard again. I could feel the fear physically in my chest, a powerful force.

I was thinking to myself, my god! Dr. Tart probably didn't realize it was THIS big a deal, sheesh! And I was really surprised because I honestly didn't think this would be any big deal for me, and yet, this arch felt like one of the few very "core" archs have with me -- very powerful.

I realized I couldn't do it alone. I reacted too physically to it. So I called in my Sun -- he is my love, my energy, he works with me in a lot of archmeds, either merging with me or just being with me, or once in awhile I have certain archs hold hands with each other or something to share energies between two concepts. I also called in 'responsibility'. This is not the right word in english, use the 'true will/dharma' meaning of it, not the surface 'obligation' meaning. That arch is humanoid but not human, sort of the ultimate warrior, a strong man with golden eyes like a tiger and quills like a porcupine that normally lie flat on his skin. I had a profound, really physical, really oddly sexual meditation with him when I was at TMI (I was ignoring the tape and doing a med instead), that was so incredible, I felt as if he were physically inside my skin and any psychic looking at me might actually see HIM instead of me. He is very powerful and I wanted him to protect me. So with the two of them there with me, I finally had the courage to face the 'fear of psi' archetype.

First things first. I'm a clean freak when it comes to archetypes. Any sign of dirt, dust, bugs, etc. is a sign that I have a problem with the arch. (Dust usually indicates it's something I have buried for a long time in myself. Dirt that it is something I have denigrated in myself. Bugs/gross stuff usually indicates it is something I have real fear about. These are fairly repetitive symbols I've learned.) So first I had to clean him off. It was so thick and icky that I had to stand way back (hyperventilating a bit still), and imagine the 'water of life' in a sort of high pressure hose like the car wash, LOL. I cleaned him from head to toe in a about 6 detailed sprays. Then I surveyed him. He was still gross. I sensed that everything - his ear canals down to his neck, his digestive system all the way through, everything, had that horrible stuff. So I had to clean him out completely on the inside, too. (Sometimes such meds are quite physiological. You gotta be as objective as a doctor about it.)

The fear in my body lessened in my chest, and seemed to 'recede' from the chest, and then could be felt between the heart and solar plexus area.

(Note: when doing such things, imagine the arch is standing on a thick grate, and the gross stuff falls into it, is liquified, and is put in the 'waste disposal system' of that world. This is important because it seems from experience that these meditations often cleanse the physiological body of the meditator (as well as perhaps the energy body, if you wanna get metaphysical about it). Literally it can flush a lot of toxins. You don't want them just in your system or it'll be like doing a cleansing diet without taking appropriate herbs or liquids to wash it out, you'll have a good med and wake up with a body-aching flu. Use that symbology and your body will dump such things in the normal body waste disposal systems.)

When that was done I surveyed him once again. I was still too afraid to get super near him frankly, but felt a little better. I decided I still sensed a strong darkness throughout him, and he needed a chakra cleansing in a big way. (For those clueless, chakras are the hypothesized 'energy vortexes' throughout the body; there are a number of 'major' ones, the number and color and some placement depends on the tradition.) So I had Sun help me and we gradually cleaned him out energetically too. Really ICKY! he was. Yuck. Anyway, so finally he was pretty clean.

The 'fear' in my body had faded further, though it still existed, and had continued moving down to my solar plexus and a little below.

I had to get fairly close to him to do the crown chakra. I was able to, but still not comfortable. When it was over, I knew there was a lot more work to do, and told him that, but I'd done what I could for the time. We traded some symbols in the body. That was that. I will have to work a lot more with him as we are nowhere near the point of a good merge.

The intriguing thing to me was that "fear of psi," which I didn't think would be any big deal with me really, turned out to be such a "core" issue and so profoundly fearful. I am still kind of amazed about that. I mean, I've been 'into' the RV field for a long time, and wouldn't suspect that I personally have 'fear' about it. Yet, these meditations are usually extremely accurate about what is inside oneself, so I have to believe it must be so.

I am hoping that over time, my working with this archetype will resolve any issues in my RV that such deep, hidden issues might be affecting.

PJ