Aeon Round, 01dec09 & "Becoming"

My 'additional and often newly-dominant perspective' is settling in just fine. I'm not always aware of it, but sometimes. I have the feeling that over time I will have this same effect but, of course, in very different ways, different energies. I also have the feeling that I'm lucky it is so specific, clear, limited and recognizeable; that it might not always be. I just "want to be aware" so badly, I think that's driving being-so.

It's a common thing that my kid eats hers and my food too if it's yummy, or the-best-of or biggest-of whatever we have to share. This is a given and kind of constant. It's a mom thing. I'm biologically hardwired to feed her and to put her first food-wise. Never mind that she is not remotely starving and it's simply allowing her selfishness now, the dynamic still lives.

Up close, she is spoiled, I am told. Single mom, works from home, very close. I let her walk all over me, I know that. I "don't mind" because I love her so, but the few observers close enough to us have mentioned it with some concern. It affects her personality too of course, not in the positive, when her primary/main associate, mom no less, pretty much "lives to serve" her, seldom complains even if she is somewhat unfair, demanding or selfish toward me. (Or complains but doesn't act on it.) Now at age 13 it's time she got through that. But 13 years of habit is a lot.

We are in the kitchen and she has her food. I have my food. She wants extra, the 'best of' what I've got, and giggling carelessly she is diving into it with her fork despite my protests. Then I feel the change inside: different perspective is dominant, now I-as-body am acting on that. I whack her hand away from my food, not hard enough to hurt (she laughed) but hard enough to mean business, and her laughter abruptly stopped when she realized I was serious and not playing around. More than that, I wasn't emotional or focused on that or her; I wasn't mad. I was simply intolerant of the behavior. It is MY food, she cannot have it, back-off, nearly like watching cats eat. I had already carelessly returned to eating when she stopped and stared at me. She was clearly put out and surprised, not just that I did this but how I acted 'around' it -- that I didn't even care enough about her response to need to BE mad to do that.

Here is the point, it isn't the trivia of this incident: the amazing part is, I did not care. You have to understand that I have more "artificial guilt" than any human alive. I feel pre-guilty about things I won't even do. I "take on" guilt for pretty much everything in my universe including things I am literally the victim of. I think it's one of the side effects of my childhood. It's a fairly overwhelming effect in my life, one my few close friends have pointed out to me more than once and that I have seen do me consistent harm for eons.

But for the first time, I felt NO guilt. Not just no guilt that I wasn't sharing. Not even just no guilt that I'd whacked her hand away. But recognition that she was shocked and a little insulted and hurt - and no guilt at all about THAT either. "None" to the point where I did not even care to bother to say anything, to smooth anything over, to explain, nothing.

It was my food and my right. It was not her food or her right. Her behavior was inappropriate and injust. It was not allowed in my reality because it shouldn't be.

Any I felt NO guilt whatsoever. I swear this may be the first time in my life, certainly in the 13 years of hers, that I have been so FREE of the constant, crushing sense of chronic-guilt. It's actually such a huge shift that it has taken me days even to realize what it IS, it's that big.

I realize now that this is affecting me life-wide, internally. Not saying I'm totally over 100% of it or anything. But a really significant chunk of that neurosis -- for that's what that is -- has simply vanished. Like some part of me just suddenly stood up and accepted permission for defending my reality, my territory, whatever.

Yesterday evening she chose, as usual, to come sit on my bed with me and watch some SG-1 episodes on hulu. I had other things to do on my laptop but wanted to spend some time with her. On nights where I work the next day that's limited and I give her priority. Well, lately but often in general, she has this thing where she comes into my room but then decides how I get to live the few hours I have before bedtime. Whether it's what she wants to watch, or whether the light must go off as she wants to fall asleep beside me, or the climate control temp, or whatever. It is a long-term minor frustration for me that it's MY room, she has her own, she even has the heater in hers while our main system is being fixed, and I argue, this is MY life, go to your own room if you don't want to do what I want to do, but she is insistent and I usually give in, just because I love her and want her to be happy.

So we finish an episode and she climbs under the covers and turns over. "Turn it off," she demands. "I want quiet for awhile." "But I want to watch!" I say. "I just want quiet for awhile!" she insists. "Look, it's my room, and I do NOT want quiet. Go in your own room if you want to sleep or whatever. I stopped what I was doing so we could watch this. But I'm not going to sleep or be sitting in silence in my own room in what little time I have in my life. You want quiet, go to your room." This was just the normal-me but vastly more "push-back" than I usually give her.

She snapped something about wanting SILENCE! and turned over in a pout. And it was like my New, Improved Evil Twin took over. I'm teasing--no, it doesn't feel like that--but I felt the 'shift' in which 'perspective' took 'dominance' at that point. And, with a hilarious sense of humor suddenly -- and feeling almost like a big brother in some way -- I did this high funky voice of the line in that 60's song, "Silence is Golden, Golden!" which struck me as so funny. She bellowed at me to stop it and be quiet, and I said, "Hey, that's a good old song. I think I'll find it on grooveshark!" and I proceeded to loudly sing the chorus as I found it -- and many other Frankie Valli songs like "Sherry" and "Walk Like A Man", all similar male-soprano chorus riffs -- and started the playlist.

She leaped out of my bed, whirling around angrily at me -- and looking like she really just couldn't believe it. Couldn't believe I would be so 'inconsiderate to her' or whatever. And she snaps, "I'm going to MY room!" like it's a punishment of me or something, and I said, "OK!" with a big smile and continued singing along. With another look at me like she'd never seen me before in her life, she stomped off to her room and mildly slammed the door.

And I laughed to myself in some humor. Not laughing 'at', just laughing because it was so fun to find that music again and sing with it, and I did not care about her angst. I didn't feel the slightest bit of guilt about it, NONE. Normally even if I (incredibly rarely) stood up for myself in that way, I would feel so badly that she and I fought even briefly, I would try to convince her to come back or to not be mad, or I would just feel guilty all night. But I had none of that. I simply did not care at all because it was my right, period. Like there was no other consideration; her behavior was injust and my space and time are my own to choose.

It's more of that 'ruthless absolute decision' but the word ruthless is so wrong. It has such a negative connotation. It isn't negative. It's just... it just IS. It's so clean. It isn't surrounded by feelings of diplomacy or gentility or gradual ramping up of response. It's like just a 'surgical strike decision' and then it is over. Totally bloodless and instant.

In a weird way it's like being suddenly released from chronic pain. Like you've so adapted to living with it that when it leaves you are shocked over and over again to realize it's gone. Even though I realize that the chronic guilt is a bad thing, a wrong energy, a terrible burden I've had my whole life, even though I can feel that this has only dealt with some of it or in some areas of life -- still, it feels surprising over and over to realize it just isn't here. Like I keep waiting for the kickback of guilt to kick my ass and it's nowhere to be found.

I don't know what or who I am becoming, but I feel that this is healthy.


The Aeons round tonight was fine--by default this is not exciting. I took some extra prayer time on a few. And a whole bunch with Nedlund, still begging that I want to understand his role.

But when I got to Nero, I was mostly through the mantra when I suddenly realized I had this offbeat thing in my head and I must be daydreaming. I went to discard that when it occurred to me that it wasn't by accident. That this was from Nero somehow, not like 'communication' but more like 'presentation' of some literal thing/energy/being.

But it was hard to wrap my brain around. Something about some person or creature that had no 'automatic healing/regeneration ability' and was a bit wounded. My brain kept trying to get away. I would "hold myself" as if my eyes were closed and I had a rope tied to Nero and the concept but my brain would go blank for a bit, and I would just have to 'stay still' until like a cycle, my brain's ability for active attention returned, and I would evaluate where I was, what I was doing, look at it more carefully, it would expand, and then that space-out cycle would begin again.

I wonder if this is what is happening when I literally pass out, though wide-awake, in the middle of meditations sometimes. My brain just cuts out. I just kept "holding on in the dark" waiting for my 'awareness' which seemed to have just dived out of reach somewhere, to swing back around, and when it did, I would accomplish as much as I could before I could feel my "ability to concentrate" literally vanishing ultra-fast and I would just "hang on in stillness" -- so I would not wander mentally when this happened -- until attention returned.

That is hard to explain but it feels incredibly important that I've gotten aware enough to be able to realize it's coming on, "hold still" until it sort of passes, and then continue. It reminds me of the problems I used to have in archmeds with 'getting lost in bizarre daydreams' until I realized they were 'dreamlings', like physics bubbles popping into existence, dealing with energy, then vanishing, and I had to learn to 'anchor' myself so that the instant it was over I would be where I should, get fast awareness of what I was doing, and be able to continue.

Eventually there was a whole 'people' that had this curious issue of being slightly wounded but unable to auto-heal like we do. But the people felt "small" in a metaphysical way. Although this came through as small like tiny, like I could hold the lot of them as if they were a few chess sets that all fit in my torso, I understood that the 'smallness' was like an entity smallness. Wait, how to explain this...

I have met entities that spanned only one or a few... 'layers'. Dimensions? I don't know what it is. It comes out like 'layers of frequency' in my perception that are crazy 'thin' and there are infinite numbers of them. I (we, as human) span a LOT of those. We're much more powerful than 'elementals' that have a very singular, limited focus (in at least some cases), and it relates to our spanning so many more layers. I can't tell you how or why, that is just how I have perceived it.

Anyway, there is a sense of small that entities from a small span of layers have in my perception. It is not 'small' in physical size, but that is the only translation the logical brain has.

It is active for things 'here' too sometimes. I once (several times actually) "heard" the thoughts of a spider. It actually felt like a teeeny tiny little whisper, incredibly "small" and from so far away in some 'so much deeper in the local layered onion' way, not in a vastly-distant way. It was normal for them but something about the "relative power" of our perspective, and my left-brain translation of the difference in energy, makes it seem "small".

This was much bigger than that. But still very small compared to me.

Anyway. Nero brought 'into' me -- I had to accept this to make it happen -- what seemed like an entire people, though maybe not human just 'beings', though there was only maybe a few dozen, all of which were mildly wounded and needed healing but were unable to heal themselves for some reason, like their nature simply did not build that in the way ours does.

I asked for the Four and as-one we sent a whole bunch of energy to deal with this fully and all at once, rather than it taking eons of my trying to perceive and heal them one at a time. After a bit of time -- me hyperventilating at the power required that I had to allow and direct, and a variety of rushing feelings during -- I felt it was done.

Then I continued on, finished the round and that was that.

I have no idea what that means. But I trust Nero must have had some good reason for it and I have pointedly offset all kinds of resistance, protection, etc. on purpose in prayer with him in my effort to really allow whatever is necessary for us to most-fully integrate.

It hadn't occurred to me until today that such a thing could or would happen. I mean that literally in the middle of my mantra with a given Aeon, that they could kind of... bring in a whole experience, almost like an archetype meditation kind of experience in a way.

PJ