Spirit DNA, Child of Nothing

I dreamed during a timed nap during my brief lunch break.

I was part of the Four. But it was one of the rare times where it's always both 'we' and 'me' no matter who is the focus, so it's confusing to translate into linear words.

In magick there is some weird thing about 'magical child' but I don't really know anything about it except seeing it in passing. I don't see how it would relate to the following, I just thought I'd mention it.

We had a child. It was so real. Powerful. Loved. So part of us that it joined us literally. Yet somehow, it was also so non-manifest. I mean, it "was" literally. Yet it also "wasn't" literally. A sort of blackness of nothingness while also a pure light of somethingness.[1]

The 'normal' people were angry. There was a fence. Like we were separate and needed to be protected from them, from how they reacted to us.[2] We were on one side. We were three, two that created the child, and another that was somehow part child (a different one I think, yet primally related in overlap) and also part of 'we.'

We could not explain. There just were no words for it. It was simply part of who we were by nature and it was the nature of the child. The other people were accusing, something about the child, with the blackest of suspicions. (They knew it 'should' be and perhaps thought something had happened to it that we had 'done'.) The child was "not there" for them, is the thing. They could not perceive the equal "there-ness" part that we did.

My alarm went off and I woke up. I hit snooze, and relaxed, and the dream kept going, even though I was mostly awake now, but it was fading, as I let go of whatever state of mind where it lived.

I saw a paragraph in a book. It's in Hebrew, I observed.
The number 8 is important here I also observed.

Then my alarm went off again and I was really done.

This 'feel of energy' in several key places has a really distinct and very unique feeling that ties it to a dream-experience I had in the 90s. Wait, let me be more clear. I don't mean, "this symbolically relates," or, "it reminds me of." I mean, "I recognize this feeling as clearly the same." Curiously, the old dream is one of the few things from that era which, even with hindsight, I still never have understood the meaning of.

I've been reading a little bit of Thelema stuff lately, not formal docs just a forum. Which means it has that "vibe". I am feeling drawn to Archangel Michael, as I always do when I find myself mixing with others of Thelema. I wonder if it is the component of darkness I often sense in it that sparks that as a kind of defense.

Here's the old dream:

March, 1995

Crowley had realized something... there was some kind of disease? Or strange situation? Maybe not physical, maybe psychological or spiritual, which mankind was going to bring on themselves unknowingly, that could or would wipe us out, or at least be very bad. It was a huge kind of doom, something that affected our entire species and our future, and something that we were walking right into blindly. I felt we haven't yet brought it on ourselves, but it's still a potential, growing stronger all the time. But he had seen it too late, when he was too old, when he was dying; he was too weak to get somewhere to tell somebody who could help.

I tried to help him get to some place to explain it to someone, some high-level magician he thought could initiate something toward averting it or fighting it, but he was so tired, and he kept falling into pieces, physical pieces, he was just old and exhausted and in some kind of weakened condition. I kept picking up his pieces and trying to hold him together so that between us we could get to this guy and warn him. I wanted to help him, as much for him as the goal itself, but there was no point I finally began to feel, and he was about to expire so it wasn't like it threatened him personally anyway.

Abruptly next scene: Groups of us, people, are standing in lines kind of like troops, but dressed normally, somewhere in the desert. To the front of us, nothing was there, just sand as far as the eye could see. And then a giant gold Egyptian man arises from the dust. He's huge! -- like 50 feet tall, looks like a gold statue, but he's alive. He points his finger at us, and on this row of people to the far right creeps this blackness, it's like a shadow or tar or something but seems more part of the skin itself. At first I thought it would kill the people, but it didn't, it just coated them, and I leaned away, but the blackness spread to all of us.

Somehow I knew that it made us like these smaller animals [which now, awake, I'd call bats]. The blackness that is now {an integral} part of us makes us want to live at night, seek the darkness, sleep in trees, eat fruit... it will make us need inconvenient things, things that are separate from our normal culture.

I and a small group of people finally leave, and I crawl into a tree to sleep, since that seems appropriate (if inconvenient, considering my form). But as I do I tell the people below me, This'll never work. People (normal people and the government) will see us and they'll shoot us, they'll think we're horrible and gross or something, maybe we can sleep normally but stay out of sight, let's see what we can work out. In looking for a better place to sleep I found this huge gem, it was orange and cut in a pear cut, about the size of my hand, and for some reason I felt like I should eat it, as if it were a fruit--but I resisted the {odd} compulsion, aware of how dangerous it would be.

I realize suddenly there is a connection: Aleister's physical weakness seems related to this blackness, even though he didn't show any sign of having it on him. I didn't know if the blackness was weakening; or merely that his response to it weakened him; or that maybe it was to help cure the weakening -- I couldn't tell. I wasn't sure if maybe others couldn't see it on us, either... it didn't seem like something that could be washed off, it seems like it just changes the skin itself, yet it wasn't visible. {There but not there.} I don't know if it's good or bad or just "is." I'm not sure why the huge gold Egyptian guy put it on us, or how to get rid of it, or if I should.

So we have:

A thing that is a not-thing and it's both totally there yet totally not-there-at-all. The 'nature' of that blackness felt like the nature of the child in the dream today. That is a distinctive feeling. It's recognizeable. Despite that I have not run into that energy in nearly 15 years, I know the energy is one and the same.

Intense levels of nothingness and somethingness and the polarities and they are the same thing: I had a lot of that, and of polarities/same in general, during that era. A frater once told me this relates to "Binah" on the Tree of Life. There, now you know as much about Kabbalah (QBL) as I do. :-)

The next element: 'normal people' were "they". We were different creatures, and I mean *fundamentally* different. Really core. Biologically we were the same; we looked the same. But some core, key element of our nature was definitely not the same and they would sense it, and react badly.

There is actually a subtle 'background data' here that I missed initially. Our (me-we-they in the dreams) nature is like... it feels like, normal people are programmed to recognize this, at some very unconscious but core/genetic level. It's difficult to put into words. As if it was intentionally coded in for some reason.

When I had that first '95 dream I was disturbed. Was the blackness a bad thing? Or just 'alchemical symbolism'?

I was now "a creature of the dark" literally, hahaha! Wait, that isn't funny...

I was "part of carrying on Crowley's intent," is how one frater interpreted it, and he interpreted the black as "something which would be hiding/ suppressing something in me or in my life for some time." Well maybe he was right, and it did, and I'm just picking that energy up years later.

The odd part is this: My work with 'The Four' has always been about ME, without regard to the thread-of-dark, crowley-occultism that has ran through my life esp. in '94-95. The whole Thelemic world of stuff, of identities, entities, experiences, was always kind of its own world in a way.

True, the Four experiences have always been filled with massive magickal symbolism, I mean all over the place. So in that they overlap. And, in my first meeting with the 3rd of Four (my mate/twin), I did have a ton of obvious Order symbolism, but I felt (later) that was a "foreshadowing", not something related to us in the Four. Of course, my 'vision' of him when I first met him, was narrated by a human-sized crow, hahaha! So maybe there IS a major Crowley tie-in. Hard to grok, since I have never heard any other Thelemite talking about the Four stuff.

However, those energies, aside from the 'symbolism' of things, have never mixed in my experience of them. The Four are holy and central to ME, without regard to anything else. It wouldn't matter if I were Baptist or Occultist or Buddhist--that is the core of me, period. Frankly all those details are trivial next to the nature of my soul.

So I am astounded that this dream was centered in The Four and yet has that rather dark-Thelema-energy feel running through it, much like that old dream. That singular feeling. It's a little unsettling.

This energy had a weird vibe even the first time and 15 years later still does.

**

In rereading the above I had a 'sponsored insight' as I am calling 'helpful additions to my awareness' today:

Notice that the people only perceived the nothing-state of the Being. Your people perceived both states equally, and so, understood its reality. Ask yourself: why did the other people not perceive the something-state of it, instead? Even if they could only perceive one polarity, why was it that one?

I guess that's a good question but I have no idea what the answer is. Since someone inside me is asking, I guess I should meditate on this and see if some kind of insight arrives about it. Right now the whole thing just seems bizarre and confusing, although it is probably educational if I could just figure it out.

[Note: I think in the dream they felt the other polarity existed, they just could not perceive it, which only emphasized the nothingness they DID perceive.)

***

The name 'Choronzon' arrived inside me in conjunction with the 'why' as I was reading through the above. It's feeding through me. Something about... nothingness. His nature. Their nature. People see the world not as it is, but as they are. I *think* that name is part of the 'abyss' symbolism. I wouldn't even know this except I recently skimmed something on a forum that mentioned this. At least I think that's it, I'll have to google it. No, wait. If I do then I'll invalidate everything I get related to stuff I read. Never mind.

Since that so-called Abyss experience was the nothing/something experience (in part), and related to the 'polarities' stuff I went through afterward, I guess that would make sense.

But wait, no, it doesn't: Because there was this underlying vibe as if they (the others/people) are living there, like in his realm or they are of his people, or... something. That is why they see that aspect of the child. They don't see the light. Oh, that's it! I feel: They don't see the LIGHT. The something-ness IS light.

The Nothingness... is Nuit, dark, 'empty space'. (Actually, that's wrong of course, I know from the experience; that IS 'something'; but it's the closest concept model our brains/language can do to actual Nothingness.)

The people only see the dark polarity: the nothing-ness. But our nature is fundamentally different. We know both. It sets us apart. They will know us as different from them. They will fear what they cannot understand. They are... triggered, coded... to fear this, to react to this if they see it.

No maybe I am making that part up. It is a "subtle thread running through my gut" that seems to run "underneath" all this other stuff. Maybe it is a different energy meaning and I am just translating it wrong.

My brain hurts. OK I think I kind of get it, as dream symbolism. But how does this relate to my life, my spirituality, or whatever? I mean it's not like I'm going to turn into a bat, or be burned at the stake.

Right? Geez, I hope.

***

It's funny how I can be doing something, whether it is thinking or talking about something, or just working, and repeatedly ignoring something in my head. It comes up again and again and I say, basically, "That's silly" or "I'm imagining that" and I stuff it back down again. It comes up for the zillionth time and I'll finally go, "Oh, that. Well ok, I see, maybe that matters or means something."

It is so hard for me to wrap my head around this still. I see now that I am used to IGNORING like 99.99% of everything in my head at all times. It is filtered harshly by specific environ/action-related stuff in my physical life, or daydreams. Nothing else is allowed.

This reminds me of when I work on my chakras, it get so *noisy*. I hear so much noise it is almost like a background of chaos, usually just under the surface but always there, sometimes intruding. Like there are several overlapping or too-close next door 'realities' and I am simply hearing the mundane events of them -- voices in boring conversations, cars and doors and so on. Sometimes there is a sudden shockingly loud noise (like say, the roll-door on a big truck slamming hard right next to me), and my body LEAPS into the air startled, heart racing, but my mind goes, "Not in this reality, ignore that," and the only times I even catch this is like 5 seconds AFTER that happened and I ignored it and went on, and then -- only when I'm working on "being aware" or doing a lot of remote viewing -- do I realize what just happened. I perceive it always, I think; I react physically always, I think; I am actually consciously aware of the perception and my 'auto-filtering' rarely though.

In turn that reminds me of a super profound dream-set I had in the mid 90s where, near the end of the 3rd dream, I was (in totally-conscious astral form) walking through a big supermarket. I'd had to go there to find someone and I found them in the back and when finished with them (in a freight elevator) I walked through double-doors into the meat/dairy section where the people were and walked through the store toward the doors. I could see all the shoppers who were there "for real in the real world" though I understand I was only astral. But I could see their "third eyes." Every time I see this, it looks the same, but not like I see it in paintings and such. Of course I believe my experience over everyone else's theory. :-)

It is a sphere slightly smaller than a pool ball (the table-game like billiards), and the middle of it goes right through the bone of the forehead so half is 'inside' the head, half is outside. It is located higher than the indian red dots by the way, but not quite in the exact middle of the forehead, down lower just a little bit. The "sphere" is like a super-intense, zillion-thin-layered onion-of-dense-energy. And it spins in every direction, super fast, constantly. And somehow it is super "expressive" too, emotionally, like you can get tons of information from it, on many levels, this is impossible to put into words.

Never mind why for now (I swear there was cause) but in that case, since I had just done someone great intentional harm and in a psychic sense was probably covered with blood or something, I could see the forehead chakra of the shoppers look at me and "recoil in horror" emotionally. The shoppers were oblivious -- but their bodies often reacted, suddenly changing direction a little, pulling back, getting an unhappy look on their face. They were not consciously aware of it, but they WERE perceiving it and their body was reacting to it.

The point being that the brain is constantly "filtering" because it HAS to, it should. It's just that our brain filters everything out. I guess it is probably a real chore to work with each chakra and/or the brain on what to filter and what not to filter from 'attention'.

What I was ignoring was this:

I keep getting the repeating impression of four things, a sense of small and together and 'primary' or... foundational... and one of them is changed, like it gets switched 'on' like a light in a way the others aren't. But not just light, it's like 'pure life' or something. By this happening, it changes the fundamental nature of all of them because they are "four-in-one."

There is a tile-mosaic of four colors in a long winding double helix that leads to the castle where the Four hang out. Not coincidence, perhaps, because this impression really feels like DNA, rather literally.

Maybe the DNA thing of the Four is just symbolic, not literal. I think... I think I am psychologically opposed to considering it literal. (Being 9-15 nationalities, depending on who you ask, I am somewhat sensitive to the genetic/bloodline stuff our world often has; I'm just a mutt!) Maybe it is more a "genetics of soul" that everyone has. Perhaps physical DNA is merely a mirror of an energetic or spiritual counterpart of that. Actually that would make a lot of sense.

Maybe when the mate/twin had his "awakening" in late 1993 and it woke ME up just by inner-proximity, and he was the one 'visible' in the powerful dream where he was 'hidden away' so long and I had been the anchor to 'awaken' him... maybe it's him. The one of the four, I mean. (THE ONE. Hahahaha.) I would assume it's the Senior instead -- he is the most powerful and aware by far. But maybe there is some other innate quality involved (I can see the DNA aspect is rolling into this) and he of our Four is the one that has it. Or not. Who knows? Who cares??

What does this have to DO with ANYTHING?!

I don't know. I said I would blog insights, thoughts, experiences, dreams, visions, and meditations, so I am. But right this dream and all the following insights and its tie to the previous dream and era of energy ... I really don't know the "why" for any of it. Here's hoping it is eventually useful to some part of me, someday.

PJ