Archmed: The Lake; Jared and el Niño

Earlier today I went in to see Calmè and again apologized for being a jerk and thanked her for putting up with me.

This evening I went to IG and told her I wanted to do a meditation related to work. Right now my future is iffy. It looks like I'm going to end up doing a buncha little piece of other things from other people and have to be glad for it, glad to have a job. I know very well that probability-wise, there is no reason why my long history of managment and tech plus 4.5 years in the firm can't arrange some opportunity to take a new product line for example and project manage that. No matter how it doesn't exist right now. It could happen. Thus far I have really had zero in fact negative levels of ambition with this firm for the first time in my whole life--but that was because I was so profoundly burned out from the previous 23 years it took a few years to work past that, and then there's the issue where so far the options have seemed to require someone in CA and I cannot move there. But this option or something akin to it sounds good to me, and it might not exist presently, but that's what magick is about after all; causing change in accordance with will. The worst it could do is 'not work' and I'm out what, a few minutes of attention? The best it could do is hugely improve what I spend the majority of my waking life on. Well worth the effort!

IG: Close your eyes.

That was odd but I did, and I felt as if I were on a conveyor belt being moved backward, way beyond the space available before the outer wall of the cave so something had changed. Finally it stopped.

IG: OK.

I opened my eyes to see I was on the far edge of a walkway that had extended me to the middle of a small pond or lake, just as all but the panel I stood on broke away, receded to the other side and vanished. So I was standing there in the middle of the lake on this like, 2'x2' square floaty thing.

I wondered why she made me close my eyes and concluded that I would have 'expected' some kind of archetype behind me on the ground near the cave of course, so she had to shut that down enough that she could have me become aware in a different location. It occurs to me maybe I should always try and 'clear my mind' enough to let her do that if she needs to.

The lake seemed pretty and normal, round, and the sun was shining. The land around was sparse trees. The water was probably about a quarter mile diameter. I stood there for awhile thinking that this IG has challenged me so much more than others. What, the 'water of life' is going to 'heal'... a lake?? With no visible problem?

I imagined holding my laptop and on the computer screen ran a program that gave me a sonar and thermal joint map of the interior of the lake. Over on one side, there was this big area, like a bubble from the edge, that was like a 'dead zone'. Nothing it it at all. On the opposite side, there was this big area, another bubble-type area from the edge, that was stuffed with something irregularly shaped and dark and a little frighteningly mysterious. I vanished the screen and thought about it.

Apparently I would have to go underwater, I concluded. I was about to dive in when part of me thought, "What if there are monsters in here?" I'm so ridiculous. But I've learned to trust that whatever I feel I just have to go with it, validate it.

Rolling my eyes at myself I enlarged, stabilized, then moved my platform over to the edge just offside of the 'dead zone'. I created a holograph in the air that starting at the bottom of the lake, built up and showed me the picture of what was 'in' that part of the lake in detail. It looked like there were two things 'intruding' from the ground at the side of the lake. Sorta 'medium-dark blue rubber things' sticking into the water. Yet they seemed kind of alive, too. I couldn't figure out how to get them out. I mean they were coming from earth so I couldn't pull them out the back. My impression was that they were poisoning the water, but only in that 'zone', like it was a "sphere of influence" more than a liquid poison.

I concluded I'd have to go down in there.

For some reason I had this concern that it wasn't safe so I imagined that my regular body stayed and my 'semi-astral' body went down there. Whatever was sticking into the water looked like of like a venomous sea creature, an airplane ugly plastic floatation cushion, and a toxic waste spout all in one somehow. I imagined I had a big vaccuum tube and I sized it around this bottom one, totally against the edge, and then I had it 'suck it out' totally into the tube and seal firmly. Then I imagined closing up that empty space and strengthing the edge of the lake so nothing else could intrude like that, and I sent the sealed container to attach to the floating panel the rest of my body was standing on.

Then I did the same for the top one, which seemed to be 2 or 3 of these things, big and horrible and disgusting looking frankly, a little like the head of an octopi at times. Filled in and firmed up that area. The 'sphere of influence' seemed gone. It was healthy now but there was nothing in that space. So I imagined sinking a tiny but complicated old boat with many open window ports and then bringing in a fish school and various clingy creatures and re-establishing some kind of health marine habitat there.

I went back to my body, and took the two containers and went 1/4 of the way around the lake and got off at the shore. I asked for some experts to show up and help. A big industrial looking building appeared and two men were standing near. "What do I do with these?" I asked them. They took me into the building, into some area with a big clear tank about 20' wide by 15' high by 10' deep, and one of them poured the contents of both vaccuum tubes into a big tank and sealed the tank. The bizarre shapes got even more amorpheous and it seemed like there was ink or something as they blended into the tank.

The men threw some kind of switch and a variety of energy things happened that eventually reduced everything in the tank to pure energy, and then neutralized anything unpleasant, and then the water cleared up. It was like putting shock in a pool or that stuff in fish tanks, very sudden. I didn't feel anything though. They told me that although the water was clean they only released it in areas where nothing was intended to grow anyway 'just in case' so I felt better. I thanked them and went out and the building vanished.

I went around the lake to where the big irregular dark mass was seen on the screen earlier and I brought over and stepped on my 'floating panel' and went just outside of that area and did another holographic, show-me-what's-there thing.

It looked like human corpses, but somehow covered in rubbery darkness too. I was grossed out. The closer I looked the grosser it got.

Me: IG, I find it hard to believe I have this serious an issue--dead corpses. Because you know, anything THAT bad usually I wouldn't be able to see or perceive well. Besides, normally work is my best area, I've always done well there.

IG: Dead?

She sounded like it was a commentary on my perception, not a real question.

So I looked at them again. I really couldn't see anything well enough to tell. Again it looked like a dark rubbery-ness too down there and gross bloated dead humans, more than one, seemingly all men. But there was no way I was going underwater for that stuff.

So I got onto the shore and imagined a giant dredging machine was on the land. A scoop came and completely scooped up every bit of the funky stuff from the lake and held it aloft. I solidifed and strengthened what was left of the side of the lake, and did the 'restoration' I'd done on the other side. Then I brought back the big facility and the guys and the scoop dumped into a tank about 5x that size and then everything but me and the tank vanished.

I stared at the tank, as everything moved and swirled and diluted some with the water. I imagined a lever that did the energy-thing that the last tank had and everything that was not human gradually disappeared, reduced to energy, made neutral. That just left 5 dead guys drifting around.

"Stand up," I commanded them and vanished everything else. They stood limply and deadly in place, but I knew already they weren't really dead or why would IG have said that. I began to imagine "a light of life inside them". It grew right between the heart and solar plexus like a spark of light right in the center of them, and then begin to grow.

I could see that it restored them, much like restoring the roman and his horse had gone. Except this took time. I mean I tried to just imagine it happening quickly in all 5 of them but it couldn't. I had to literally focus intensely and PUSH and stay with it, going all the way down their body through feet, then back up to the middle and upward. All 5 at once. Finally at the head, it was even more work. Like I just had to really focus on every detail and buh-lieve it, yeah-uh! in order for it to work, like faith and patience were part of it. Finally I had only the head left and it took awhile for the heads. When finally the crown of the head was the last thing finished, big light shone all the way through them, beaming up into the sky like a spotlight. I had to go through the heads one by one to make this happen though and it took awhile. Finally they were all just standing there. Normal guys, it appeared.

Me: Who are you?

Them: "We are you," they said in unison.

Me: Oh that creeps me out! Don't do that again. (But I kinda laughed.)

I tried to figure out what to do with them. I mean all the work I'd done so far I'd had no sense of merging, suggesting maybe I wasn't finished. I asked them for something to trade energy and they all put little motes of light between my heart and solar plexus, 5 across, like a 5-star belt of orion inside me. I had the urge to give them (it's often weird, bear with me) the muscle from my right upper arm, which I had to put in the left upper arm of every one.

Then I imagined trying to merge into each. I did have the sense that this worked as far as integration goes but I felt no rush whatever.

Thinking about it, I remembered the dome carnival archmed and so I imagined everything including the entire huge lake, that I expanded to encompass that and then integrate with everything, with the whole landscape. I felt some rush from that, and felt it was what I was supposed to do, as a result. Not intense or long, but enough to know something worked. I went back to IG.

Me: I feel like if I don't get a major rush that maybe it's not done well. I wanto to manifest that. Can you help? Will you help? Can we do others?

She nodded. "Consistency is more important than frequency," she reminded me.

I nodded.

Me: IG... what about the roman soldier guy and the horse? Could I... maybe see them again?

They appeared. He was on the horse this time. The horse was such a tall stallion he sat above me. I went up next to them and put one hand on the neck of the horse and one hand on his thigh and imagined sharing energy with them.

Me: Are you a guide?

Him: Yes.

Me: And... the horse?

Him: He is part of both of us.

Me: I see. (I wasn't sure I did, but never mind.) What is your name?

Him: Jared.

Me: Just like that? I just get it that clearly, after the big mystery of everybody else's? That doesn't sound like a Roman name to me.

He said nothing.

Me: What's the horse's name?

Him: El Niño.

Me: You mean like the ocean warm thing? Isn't that like... little boy?

He grinned a little then, and patted the neck of the horse. The BIG adult male horse. "Yes," he said affectionately, talking as much to the horse as to me.

It occurred to me that if it's his horse, he oughtta know its name, no matter how odd it seemed to me, so I shrugged a little, focusing again on one hand on the horse's neck and one hand on his thigh as he sat above me.

Me: It was nice to meet you both. I... well I assume we will meet again at some point. Do you know it's been exactly a year--minus like 6 days--between the time I met you and then met you again? That seems like a heck of a coincidence since I certainly didn't remember it consciously. Anyway...

I imagined sending warm love and light to them.

Me: Thanks for coming.

I backed off and bowed a little. The horse kneeled a little and he bowed slightly and they vanished.

I turned to IG but whatever I was going to say vanished from my head as I said instead, fervently, "IG, I love you so much. I'm so lucky to have you! Thank you for everything!"

Then I rolled it all up and I was done.

Hoping to do more soon.

PJ

Calmè, and the Horse

I did manage to make it in to do a little med work last night. In my opinion this did not go well. But at least it happened I guess. Unfortunately, after that I passed out and slept so deeply I missed going to the grocery store which I needed to do, had to cancel my remote viewing date by phone which I was too sleepy even to talk to, etc. And it's yet another example of feeling forced to blog about something that totally embarrasses me. Oh yeah but aside from all THAT it was just fine, oh brother!

**

I went to IG just to talk to her, initially.

Me: In all honesty IG, I feel like when I do archs that I let you choose, where I don't know what they are, it just doesn't go as well. I mean I read some old blogging yesterday and I see that sometimes it does but my "feel" is that there is something missing from those. Like it's important for me to know.

{silence}

Me: OK. Well, I was going to ask for an arch but I guess I will just let you choose. Apparently that was my pre-complaint but nothing changed. I think another thing that bothers me is that I worry you're going to keep giving me guides, as you seem kinda driven that way, so it makes me a little paranoid about it as that bothers me. I want to be able to trust that if I ask for you to choose, I get an archetype.

{silence}

Me: But well, ok, I admit I do really feel like I should let you choose what we do and it shouldn't always have to be archetypes.

{silence}

Me: Oh for godssakes. FINE THEN. You just choose what we do. But listen, I already feel strongly that yet-another new guide is involved but you know it just doesn't seem right, I don't even know the ones I have yet--and yes, I admit that's totally my fault and avoidance, not yours--but I'd like to have some time to get to know the existing folks first, before introducing more. So can we do that?

Finally she said something.

IG: No. We have something of a schedule. We need to work through more of them. You will just have to make an effort to 'catch up' on your conscious work with the guides, to get to know them better.

I just stared at her. I don't know why I found it so shocking she said no. And since when does so-called spiritual work have any kind of time-window? I couldn't think of what to say for a bit so I just stood there pouting grumpily. Finally, feeling somewhat depressed--because it doesn't feel like I'm properly in control of this, and it seems like if it's my spiritual life it oughtta be under my control--I just said (a bit morosely and quietly):

Me: Alright then. Whatever, I guess. Let's do something before I fall asleep here. Some kind of meditation.

I felt something like an archetype behind me and I turned. I couldn't see it well, especially near the top, and it was about 15 feet tall and somewhat conical shaped yet a rubbery like texture and a tannish-brown color. I walked around it a bit. Then I called in the rainwater of love and stood there a bit letting a torrent of water fall on it. During this I got distracted by some personal daydream, then I brought myself back to it.

The arch now looked like a tall skinny cone, a dark-glass or crystal tower of sorts. It looked a great deal like something I had once before--not as an archetype, but that showed up near The Tower in the castle where The Four and I often meet--back then I remember it was 'planted' like growing through the floor outside near the top of the tower where I was hanging out, because I had refused to spend enough time inside so something was coming to me. I seem to recall it eventually shattered and inside it was... someone? I can't remember very well. It's a miracle I remember anything at all if I don't blog it, and that's only because I can read it later. Anyway, I didn't see anybody inside it, and I pondered what to do about it.

I looked away from it, thinking on the previous 'variant' of this symbol, when something suddenly appeared on the top of it. I looked back. A small... sort of person, about half my size, with wings, female, something in her hand, appeared on the top, like an angel on the top of a christmas tree, except more faery-like. That was just stupid so I looked away again. Probably imagination and I'd let that pass.

It didn't pass. I finally looked back again.

Me: Oh my god. No. NO. That's totally retarded! If YOU are the guide, forget it. I don't do, ah, faeries or whatever the hell you're supposed to be.

IG finally seemed a little more communicative.

IG: In your last meditation you made it clear that you wanted to know the true form of your guide. So, this one is showing you her true form.

Me: Oh give me a break! That can't be real. That isn't real.

IG: Giant frogs like your previous IG can be real, but not this? Why is a big slimy frog more "ok" than something a little like a faery?

Me: Because faeries are STUPID. That has to be just imagination, and bad at that. Frogs are... well, ok, really weird, but far more cool. Anything would be more cool.

She was silent, but I had the overwhelming feeling that she thought me expecting my interior life to be 'hip' by the standards of my exterior culture was... totally immature, if not downright moronic.

Me: Fine then. FINE! For goddsakes.

I turned and went forward to the half-sized human girl with wings who was now just standing at the top of the glass tower, on the point of it, staring at me.

Me: Dear God, please help me to be less biased and more open concerning this guide. Amen. OK. Look, you ARE a guide, is that correct?

Her: Yes.

She seemed... I dunno. Not sullen, but I had the feeling something about me had made her less .... cheerful than she would normally be.

Me: OK look, I'm sorry I'm such a jerk about all this. There is nothing wrong with you I guess, you are whatever you are. I just am surprised by it and kinda put all this in another category because of what you look like.

I turned back to IG.

Me: I'm embarrassed! That's what it is. I blog these meditations. I don't like looking like some kind of new agey fantasizing fool. At least some of my meditations are more like traditional internal magick, shamanic workings. Talking about someone who looks like a faery just puts me in the total-retard category. Even my friends will think it's retarded, I'm sure of it, and they LIKE me already.

The half-size girl vanished from the top of the tower, and a woman appeared in front of me. I couldn't 'see' her head very well to describe her, but her body was normal and wearing something like an evening gown. Her, I was much more comfortable with. She was normal. I reached out and took her hands in mine, and tried to imagine that we were 'sharing energy' in some way.

But it felt... well, kind of a wrongness.

Me: IG, my last IG told me he could take any form for me. So why do I feel like her taking this form just isn't... really right?

IG: Because it was his choice. She doesn't feel the same way about it.

Me: Nero? Nero!

He appeared in his normal place.

Me: Nero, is all this for real? I feel like it's not for real.

Nero: {seeming amused} So I am real, but she is not?

Me: Yes but I *know* you. I feel you, I usually at least semi hear you--sort of... sometimes I feel you, or see you... you feel like part of me now. I trust you.

Nero: You've hardly had time for that to happen here with her.

Me: Well she ain't even talking to me! What's the point?

Nero: Well maybe if you'd stop being rude and insulting at least briefly, some actual conversation could happen.

Me: Oh.

I spent awhile pacing. Yes, this is dumb, I pace in my inner world. I can just think and 'be' somewhere, yet I actually imagine pacing. How ridiculous is that. Finally I come back to where the woman in the evening gown is standing.

Me: I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being rude and, and refusing your real self. Please be who you are. I will learn to deal with that. I'm sorry for being insulting about it.

She turned back into the other thing, standing in front of me, the top of her head came up to about my middle chest.

Me: What is... your name?

I could feel myself closing down before I even finished the question. I wish I could get over this resistance to hearing almost everything. It sounded something like,

Me: "Call-me? Isn't that two words? Or do you mean I should call on you?"

Her: Calmè.

I sensed the letters that would make this in my language. It sounded like something "between" calm and colm, and the last sound wasn't even a whole sound, almost like an "eh" and "ah", between them but only half that. Like the 'e' was "almost entirely silent"--just not quite.

Me: 'Calmè' {I said, trying to LISTEN this time and pronounce it as close to how she had as I could.}

Calmè: That will do.

I stood there staring at her silently for a bit.

Me: What do you, ah, 'do' with me?

She held out the thing in her hand and touched the side of my left shoulder with it.

Me: Oh for godssakes. That better not be a wand.

She just stared at me without comment.

Me: I don't feel anything. Apparently either you don't have much power or this just isn't working for me.

Nero: How about you let something work for you?

I wanted to open up. I really did. I wanted to be all generous and loving and ooh-aah and oh-look-a-faery and have some wonderful experience. I just couldn't. I stood there feeling recalcitrant and frustrated and sullen. I wanted NORMAL PEOPLE. Why had all the early ones been normal and not this one? Maybe IG had given me the normal ones first? Maybe at least some were guised to seem normal for my sake?

Me: IG, can I just have all my existing guides now.

I had the feeling from her that I didn't need to ask her; I only needed to think of it and they would be there. They all appeared around me, in the same relationship they had previously. For some reason I felt relief.

Me: Where do you go? (to Calmè)

She vanished and I felt her appear a bit behind me and off to the left. Most of that area (my left side/back) doesn't have any guides there yet.

Me: Nero, does this mean something, the positions you guys appear around me in? The star, orbit, geometry thing?

Nero: Not in quite the way you're thinking, no. It isn't quite the matter that you're making of it. But on a subtler level, it does mean something.

I 'thought' of him holding my hands in front of me and so he was, and I imagined us trading energy through the hands, and then I imagined hugging him, and merging into him. That worked. I didn't have a merge-rush but I did feel it happened. I felt so grateful that he was so normal. And to think I had an issue with his name initially. Now he seems like the most normal of the bunch in a way.

I turned to Taan in front of me and did the same thing. I felt such affection for him all the sudden. He was not only normal, but he had such a good, sweet nature. I hugged him happily for awhile first. I thought thankful things at him during it, for having such a good nature, and then we merged. Again no rush, just awareness that it had fully happened.

Me: Ithikah?

He motioned to Bolehren.

Ithikah: Her next.

Me: I -- why is that?

But I could 'sense' it. She was like on the 'inner circle' around me so far and he was pointedly the 'next row out', behind Taan. I had the feeling that this didn't have to matter, I could just do the order I wanted, but that my question to Nero about their placement had caused him to demonstrate there was some point to the physical relationship they had around me.

I took Bolehren's hands and we shared energy, and then I hugged her. She is also delightfully normal. I hugged her for longer, glad she was normal and nice. Then we merged. Except she didn't vanish into me 100%. Some percentage of her seemed 'unmerged' and that stepped back and vanished.

I started to ask Marcan* but then realized that L'anna was standing between Bolehren and Marcus now. I'd forgotten about her. So she and I held hands and then hugged. I actually felt a slight sense/rush of merge with her. I wondered if this was because she was still so new to me we had more energy to join or something. She had more percentage of her left-over than Bolehren had, and that stayed separate and then vanished.

I held the hands of Marcan*.

Me: I feel that I really owe you some... time. Thank you, for staying with me in the dream where I met you. The content of that was a little weird to me, makes me nervous. I'd like to formally request, in case it helps at all, that if such a thing should happen again, anybody who can should help me get lucid, recognize you, and/or just wake up like I did then. That seemed to get me away from the black-eyed guy.

Then I hugged him. I felt a sense of guilt. Something I didn't blog is that a couple viewing sessions ago I was not getting data and I thought at him, 'Marcus! I thought you were supposed to help! Well you're not help at all! I could be incompetent at this all on my own quite well, you know?!' Now I felt slightly abashed about that. But I just hugged him for awhile until we merged. I don't remember if I felt anything then.

That left only Calmè and Ithikah. I suddenly remembered how Ithikah had shown me that 'he' as a name was actually a 'shape' and the words were much less 'him'. I grabbed my laptop next to me and made the shape and put it in the old blog post with his name on it to demonstrate the shape. It occurred to me with some fascination as I did so, that pretty much every letter in the name I got, fits 'into' that symbol. Bit of 'almost' on the 'A' is all. Now that is just kinda weird. I set aside the computer again and went back to the meditation. I took his hands and hugged him. Which was funny, because I only came to his chest, much like Calmè had on me.

It occurred to me, I thought maybe with his help, that it might be a tad unfair that if I have a guide so tall I come to his chest, that is ok, and that if I have a guide so short she comes to my chest, that is somehow not ok. I had a subtle sense from someone, not sure who, that her being a woman was actually part of this. That I was less likely to accept something out of the norm in a female, for cultural reasons. That stopped me and made me think for a moment. I decided yeah, I do think there is some of that culturally--men as 'outliers' in our culture are better accepted, but I hadn't thought of it before in quite that way, and hadn't realized that I would be guilty of the bias myself. Ithikah and I merged, and finally I turned to Calmè and thought at her to take my hands.

I imagined trading energy with her, and 'accepting' her. I hugged her, and I asked IG to help me, as I could still feel resistance, much like I'd had with Taan just of a different nature. It seemed funny to me then, that I could possibly have rejected Taan, let alone hated his happiness, when he was so normal and nice and felt great. Then it occurred to me that despite not actively working with these guides, I do seem to be getting more comfortable with them. Perhaps it's happening on the dream level or something.

Calmè and I merged, but only somewhat. Most of her couldn't merge, which I suspected was my own fault. But the rest of her went ahead and vanished, and so I was done.

I looked over to where I sensed IG.

Me: Are we done?

She nodded in another direction, and I followed her gaze. The dark smoky-glass tower thing still stood there. I had completely forgotten about it, so distracted was I with the guide that showed up on top of it.

I tried various things on the tower and nothing worked. I sighed. This couldn't be easy, right.

I put my hands against it and leaned my cheek against it with my eyes closed. (In person, I put my hands flat together (like praying) and then lean my cheek against them.) I tried just to 'imagine rapport' for awhile and see if anything changed.

After awhile I suddenly realized it was gone. I must have spaced out a bit. Although I hadn't seen anyone inside it apparently there had been as he was now standing where it had been.

Except I recognized him. It was the roman centurion I had 'unfrozen from stasis' long ago. (Blog of that med is here.)

Me: Hey IG - holy shit! Hey that's never happened before. I've had this arch before! I mean normally even when I have the SAME named-archetype it's different, except of course with the planets which usually look the same but that's different, sorta. This IS the same guy, not just looks like him, I feel it.

IG: It is not an archetype.

I looked at him again. I remembered kissing him. I remembered deeply apologizing to him. I remembered the unique note in the meditation where he showed up, that I had never before "felt guilty" about an archetype as if I had 'entrapped' or 'frozen' them in some way. Was he a guide? Maybe that's why he'd felt different. And acted a little different. I wondered why IG had not volunteered there was anything different about him the last time or that he was a guide. Then I realized she hadn't usually with any of them; it was up to me to work it out. And I hadn't really been able to merge with him, I recalled.

He stood there much like I had left him in fact. Just staring at me silently. He was wearing the earring I had given him, which suddenly made me aware of the armband he had given me, on my right upper arm. I leaned up on my tiptoes and kissed him. He didn't resist or non-respond but didn't respond with much either, but he didn't pull away. But I pulled back and considered him with a frown.

Me: Is there something I can do to... to more fully free you? I feel like somehow you are not actually, totally, in the clear. Like we're not... we're not done with some working needed first.

Him: Yes. Help me free my horse.

I was silent for a moment and then I just burst out laughing.

Me: Your HORSE? You want to go get a HORSE?!

I cracked up again.

He didn't seem to think it was very funny. He didn't say anything. My humor faded, and I just stared at him a bit more with my brow furrowed in a frown. I could FEEL myself frowning, it was so pronounced.

Me: I guess that can't be worse than the faery. At least a horse is a normal creature. If it's that important to you, then I guess, let's go do it. Take me to him. Her?

I felt it was a him. The soldier moved then and put his hand on my waist. I closed my eyes and imagined letting him 'move us' to wherever the horse was.

I opened my eyes when I felt we'd arrived. It was very cold. I don't think I've ever felt a 'temperature' inside my inner world before, I noted. Even when the sun took me to a part of it where I'd never been. So the temp seemed novel. We were in what seemed like the rocky outcroppings of mountains, someways up the mountain but not super high. There were portions of fairly flat land here and big gray boulders all over the place.

He pointed at a huge boulder.

"That is my horse."

I hesitated. "It looks like a big rock to me," I observed.

"It is my horse. Trust me on this," he said.

And I promptly fell asleep. Denial I guess. I mean literally I was pretty wide awake and at that moment I just PASSED OUT. That's incredible.

I woke up and blogged this. I COMPLETELY FORGOT about him and the horse until I got tot he point in my blog where I remembered IG pointing me at the glass tower and all that followed. I stopped blogging and sat back and put myself back in the environment where I last remembered being.

I imagined putting my hands out in front of me -- the huge boulder was about 15 feet from me -- and just imagined that all my guides were in me and helping me and we were pouring energy into the heart of the stone. It felt so powerful, as if they were really helping or it was really working.

I imagined that I was bringing to life something at the core, rather like I had done for the Roman in fact, and sort of 'thawing from cold stasis' the horse. My body started 'rushing'. Shivers ran all the way through me in a major rush-feeling as I worked on the horse. It reminded me of some archs I've done where in working on THEM, I felt it in MY body.

I had the most bizarre, crazy thought. I wondered if maybe *I* was actually the horse. Or some aspect of it. Seth once said part of him was living as a dog. Maybe part of me had been living as a horse. This guy's horse. I nearly started laughing again with what a crazy thought that was, but I was distracted by how powerful the process felt.

I was slightly hyperventilating with the rushing as I kept imagining pouring all that warm energy in, and then all the stone just sort of exploded outward in tiny pieces and dust and the horse was there, a big black stallion type of horse, and I kept imagining the energy until I felt the horse was fully restored--it reared and did whatever that sound horses do--I don't even know what to call it, I know so little about horses!--and I stopped and just watched it.

The Roman was there and hugging its head and petting its neck and talking to it in a low voice I couldn't hear and the horse appeared to be equally affectionate. I really don't know jack about horses. Nearly died on one when I was 16 and lost interest in them after that frankly. Nothing like a concussion--pain you cannot imagine with the gentlest step just to get to the bathroom--to pretty much do in any real interest in something.

"Can I touch him?" I asked the Roman. He stepped slightly to the side and I went up to the horse. I put my hands and cheek against his front shoulder.

"I'm sorry if I did this to you at some point," I said honestly. "I'm so glad you're free now." I leaned back a little and looked at him, and his big eye looked at me and I had the sense that this horse was sentient. Not 'like' a person, but still, sentient totally, in its own way.

Apologizing seemed necessary for some reason. Like... owed. Like it helped ME to say it; like it just "had to be said." But then I felt like an intruder in a way and I stepped back away to where I had been and he and the horse continued their weird little love fest and conversation. I figured I was done there so I imagined being back with IG again.

I told her thank you, and then I rolled the world up inside me and came back to blogging.

It occurred to me after that I had never even asked him his name. Nor am I sure he's a guide. Maybe there is something else. And what about the horse?! Would he be a guide WITH the horse? Would the horse be a guide? Now that's just funny. Maybe he's just some... I dunno.

Maybe there is more to the universe than just archetypes and guides. Or maybe he's just not ready to be a guide. God only knows.

Well anyway.

I don't really know how much I accomplished but at least I did make an effort.

I was going to go see the rest of The Four in The Tower when I was done but of course I'd fallen asleep. Maybe I'll do that now. That'll probably put me back to sleep. Which since it's now 4:20am might be a good thing.

PJ

PPS> Marcus later said 'Marcan' was better.

L'anna

I was touching base with the guides I have met so far. Nero nearly always appears where I first-ever saw him so clearly, to my left a bit in front and above. (I was sitting on a piano bench and he was standing beside the edge of the piano, when we first met. So, that position.) Taan stands right in front of me and I always 'feel' his good humor. Ithikah stands behind him a few feet but he's so tall I see him right over Taan's head. Bolehren stands to the front right corner of me, between the front and the side. Marcan* stands slightly behind me off to the right a bit so I can just see him peripherally but have to turn to face him. They settled in like this 'was' their position. I had the weird sense that I did eons ago in the Tower with The Four where it was kinda like we were all stars and our pattern relationship was orbits and geometry.

Anyway. I completely forget what I was doing or thinking but I was sliding toward dream alas. There was some problem I was aware of, and a woman slid her hands into my torso from the right side of me and began manipulating the energy inside me to help. After a moment I realized this was not part of the sort-of-daydreamish-something going on, and that this was NOT Bolehren who was standing next to her. I looked at the woman. She had sandy blondish straight hair, about shoulder length.

I suddenly realized that one reason they all seemed to desire me to be better familiar with them, is because I ought to just 'know' who is working with me. I shouldn't have to see them or be surprised by it, like once I was previously when Taan joined a conversation Nero and I were having.

I said to her, "You -- are you another Guide??"
"Yes," she nodded, pulling her hands back and relaxing.
"Stand in front of me so I can see you better," I requested, and she appeared where Taan was as he stepped back.

I considered her. She looked vaguely familiar, not like I had seen her but like I had maybe known someone who looked like her just a little. Or was it the 'medical' feel, I suddenly wondered? Then I got it: she actually, I felt, put this into my head: she looks a little like 'the Keeper' on that TV show 'The Invisible Man' - a woman who is a doctor... and more. I remember watching the show just recently and really noticing the woman and kind of wondering why I liked the character so well. I had the sudden sense that SHE (the Guide) was aware of all this at the time and had "helped" me focus on her as part of attempting to prepare me for her, sort of. I remembered Taan telling me that he had always been part of me, not just when I 'became aware' of him.

"IG? Is she part of Nero's group, my consortium?" I asked.

"Yes," she confirmed. It struck me that this one, like Nero and maybe Marcan*, had gone out of her way to proactively put herself into my attention; IG had not brought her, the way that Taan, Bohleren and Ithikah had happened. I looked back at her and considered her thoughtfully for a minute. I can't see her THAT well. I have occasionally almost-flashes.

I asked her name. This was another miserable attempt as they often are. I tried to be quiet and listen and feel but much like with Taan, what I really got is, "It is just like this-name but it totally isn't this-name at all, that's wrong, and it sounds different than that." I mean... that hardly helps! It sounded rather like 'something-anna'. And yet it wasn't like a whole syllable up front. Finally frustrated, I actually started putting it down (typing in my computer in my google spreadsheet where I was earlier working on meditation ideas), each syllable in a cell, attempting to go through it and 'feel from her' what was right.

Nothing in English was right. I remembered a dragon-energy I met in 1994 whose name I could best make out then as N'efsana. It suddenly struck me that despite not being able to hear my guides AT ALL until Nero, I'd been having whole conversations with something, obviously. That wasn't a guide though, I felt sure of it. But that in turn suddenly made me realize...

"You don't speak my language in your world, do you?" I asked suddenly.

"No," she said.

"But our worlds, they are... similar, right?" I asked.

"In some respects," she said.

I thought about that. N'efsana was so NOT human. Maybe Guides aren't all human? Maybe she emphasized that TV show character in part to help "build me" an image that was human and I'd be more comfortable with. Maybe they just take human form with me? Maybe they're killer whales or something, I once had an experience where I was a whale on a planet that was entirely water, that seemed an amusing idea. Maybe they just live in alternate realities?? I remembered how my previous IG as I got to know him and see him more clearly I realized he had odd spots and gills and white clammy skin and black eyes and then later he showed me that he was a gigantic frog-like creature and just took human form for my sake. Of course I was in love with him by then anyway--the nature of an Inner Guide--but well... still.

"How is your world like mine?" I persisted.

"The physical reality is very similar," she said, and for some reason I felt slightly relieved that she probably was human after all, though I'm not sure why it would matter. I had the feeling she was looking for how to say all this succinctly. "But the... communication and relationships and... technology, are very different."

I just sat there thinking about that. It occurred to me that what would be 'normal' is if I were really interested in that. Like, really fascinated, tell me all about your world and so on. Yet I had this curious DISinterest, I realized. In ANY of the worlds my guides came from. I mean intellectually that seems like the kind of thing I would find intriguing, and yet I couldn't think of anything that I felt less concerned about, like, totally don't tell me! I don't want to know! Weird.

"I feel like I should be more interested," I confessed.

"When you are in other worlds you learn what you need there," she said. "You don't need from your world to know anything of the others."

I remembered experiences where the female of The Four and I have shared a body, with one of us being 'the dominant personality' in some life on this planet and the other being something akin to a soultwin/guide inside. But those are always 'here'. I thought about possibly living in other worlds.

"In other worlds," I said hesitantly, wondering why this felt important to me, "Do you think I might do... do healing of a sort, anything like you do, for others?"

"I'm certain of it," she smiled.

But that ended all my momentary bare interest in the topic so I dropped it.

I had the feeling though that it was important that if I were going to be aware of my guides and have names for them, that they were comfortable with the name, that it worked for them, as if this had some energetic effect between us.

I told IG: "I am calling her L'anna because that's as close as we can get as I'm a little blocked as usual, but I think this is not really as good a match as it should be. She accepts it for now, but please help me get a better match to it. Please help me get to know her and come to understand what her focus energy is with me." She nodded, and I stepped back away from both of them and the woman guide vanished.

Then I decided I better write this down before I fall asleep. But I intend to go back and do another round with all of them, visualize holding their hands and talking to them as IG had suggested some time ago I do daily.

I suppose if there is no getting out of being forcibly introduced to them, and no getting out of being forced-to-awareness that we 'overlap', for whatever reason it might someday help me to be aware, that I might as well try and develop at least a good enough relationship with them all that I can recognize them more clearly. I owe Marcus some time, for sure.

As for blogging about them, well, I blog about my internal life. I figure if I go stark raving mad there will be some breadcrumb trail and I can serve as a warning to others. Or maybe somewhere out there in the universe is someone else with a 'Four' and so on and they will find me and feel relieved they're either not crazy or at least not alone in being so.

Subject change: I'm back on lowcarb again finally, for the last couple days. I'm telling myself it's just an amazing coincidence that I didn't finally finish that meditation until I was back on LC and that in fact while off it I didn't do any. I really don't see how my food intake could matter much to my spiritual life.

I just finished a cup of quality coffee with cream and 'german chocolate cake' flavor sugarfree DaVinci syrup. They sell a couple flavors in tiny bottles in the grocery coffee section, but the DV company has probably 100+ flavors of the stuff in SF (sucralose not sugar). Netrition.com has a $4.95 contiguous-US shipping flat rate and the bottles they sell are these huge heavy things, packed well, so any coffee freaks who like flavored sweetener, that is my trivia for the day. We had stir-fried chicken & broccoli peppers etc. for dinner. I am already missing carbs--sugar is my alcohol apparently--but I'll live. Someday I'll have to meditate on the animals I've eaten. That would probably be the one that really did kill me LOL.

PJ

Knight of Wands, part 6 (4/4)

Finally! My god! It has taken SIX MONTHS to get all the way through this ONE archetype. I've never had anything be that hard before -- to do or "to get around to" doing. Finally this morning I managed to get to the last meditation to finish it off.

I couldn't see the arch through most of it. I just held onto it. Everything I did 'to' the arch I felt personally, with all kinds of 'rushes' and 'buzzes' through my whole body. Mostly just all the basic stuff. When I was finally done, it looked like me. Geez. The 4th of 4?? Maybe I should have seen that coming. We merged and spent awhile on that. Then I pulled in a merge each of the other three and THAT was a really body rocking merge altogether.

When totally done, I did another meditation on the relationship between me and my guides, with an emphasis on my resistance/issues. The arch started out as something like a spider-human hybrid that was about 20 feet tall. Ok... apparently I have some problems there LOL. By the time I finally finished, I was able to merge a bit, and then I went through and held the hands and focused on each of my outer guides in turn that I've been introduced to (Nero, Taan, Bolehren, Ithika, and Marcan*), and then merged them all into me which was a great rush.

IG was invisible--I've been out of this too long--but I felt great with her at the end. I've got to do more of this for my own good.

I'm happy enough now. That was my goal for the weekend, was to get through that meditation -- which I should have done six months ago. Finally, I can move on!

I don't really even know what all this accomplished but anything this difficult is powerful so I know it's for the good. I'm hoping to make a sort of loose 'plan' of archs to work through, aside from whatever IG assigns, from now on. I guess until the next utterly gnarly hairy arch kicks my ass like this one did.

PJ

PPS> Marcus later said 'Marcan' was better.

The Bad-Stuff Guides: Manual Override

As much time as I spend "in denial" it's amazing I get any blogging done at all.

A few days ago I was thinking about my reality. About the idea of creating reality, and about some of my past experiences. I was thinking that I went from athletic to gigantic because I obviously pulled some genetic-hormonal-issue into the forefront of my reality, seemingly by accident but, if nothing's an accident, then I guess by design on some level. I was thinking about why it is a person might choose to experience negative things.

It occurred to me that choosing positive things would be a good step forward, and guides could help me with that. You know, the guides I am always not wanting to talk to. I want to 'claim my own power' and have better manifestation ability, but introduce me to a guide for just that purpose and it just pisses me off because they aren't supposed to be real and I'm embarrassed about it. No dichotomy here!

Then I had this rather abrupt thought: if guides exist to help me manifest what I choose, what if I choose something BAD?

"Nero!" I yelled, as if bellowing in the psychic realm is somehow more effective than talking. My 'sense of him' appeared in front of me just slightly to the left.

"If I choose on some mostly unconscious level to experience something bad, and you're the guide that deals with that genre of energy for me, do you actually help bring about the bad thing?"

"Regrettably, yes," he admitted.

"But WHY?" I whined like my pre-teen.

"All experience is equal," he said, quoting me back at me. "If that is an experience you choose, and that you can learn from, then I would help bring it about."

I sat there thinking about that for a bit. This idea kind of struck me in a hard way. Imagine you get hired and your job is to do anything person X tells you, and you really like person X and want to help them do great things. But person X keeps getting drunk (let's say, to form some analogy to the "mostly-unconscious" state we create reality from) and starts giving you really bonehead commands like "hurt me!" and "screw this up for me!" haha, and you have to do them because that's your job. Even though it might even contradict what you were trying to accomplish in other respects. That would suck! Poor guides. I almost felt sorry for them then.

It occurred to me that one of the problems most of us have is that a great deal of our reality is being formed by parts of ourselves on some kind of 'default' setting. We have belief systems that we don't see well, don't understand, or haven't even thought to look at. We have patterns we don't yet see. It's the stuff under the radar that is the hard part. When we see and understand something about ourselves, we can proactive work on it, ASK for help on it. It's all the stuff we're oblivious to that is the issue.

The more I thought about it, the more it seemed like consciously working with your guides is basically implementing "manual override" for your reality.

It's like saying ok, I know there's lots of stuff going on under my radar here, but since I have a direct line to an aspect of me that wields a bunch of power/influence in this or that area of my reality, I should make a point to talk with them. Just like they're a client or coworker, and I am project-managing my life. If I go talk to them and say something like hey, ok I'd like to have another vehicle now, then I am specifically directing their attention and their help to that area. It's obvious I have SOME kind of issue in that area, or I would not currently be without a car, right? And this basic logic you could apply to anything in your reality that is different than you want it to be, from health to job to trivia.

Seen in that light, the idea of actually being aware of guides and not wanting to meet them and resenting them and not talking to them seemed downright retarded frankly. It seemed perfectly reasonable that this was a "manual override" opportunity that not all people are 'aware' enough to be fortunate enough to be introduced to. It's like someone handed me this great project management tool for my life but I'm over in the corner in a snit because the tool isn't something I found in a book and can write code logically about and implement in some respectable and reasonable fashion.

It would just turn out, wouldn't it, that in the end, the primary 'technology' ends up feeling a lot like praying. Another thing I've spent great time avoiding. I mean dammit, it'd just figure!

(I'm reminded of the end of the movie 'My Cousin Vinnie' where the guy realizes he didn't succeed entirely on his own, and his girlfriend said that'd just be his torture wouldn't it, that he'd just be wildly successful but every damn time he'd have to say THANK YOU to someone.)

For some reason, my "perspective" on the subject of guides seems to be changing a little. I'm getting over it -- a little. I still haven't actually talked to any of them again besides Nero briefly. But I think internally I am getting used to the idea.

Ithikah

For goddssakes. Seriously, what IS it with the 'guides' thing? How retarded does this make me sound having to blog about it?

Not like I haven't been in total denial. I nearly forgot it then I avoided blogging about it, and just realized I'd better do so before I really DO forget and there's probably some internal penalty I'd pay for doing so...

I listened to bineural stuff for quite some time. Then I decided to meditate. I wanted to meditate on the 4th of 4 of the Knight of Wands archetype... talk about overdue. I finally get to Inner Guide and IG takes my hands and I suddenly have this overwhelming idea, "Wait, wait. I shouldn't just ask for this thing I spent 20 minutes repeatedly bringing myself back to meditate on. I should ask IG if SHE has any ideas!"

I know she put this in my head. It's impossible to be mad at her though.

"Oh fine," I say with some humor. "Do you have something for me to meditate on first?" She did.

Before I even turned around I knew it was another guide, another of the (16?) group that is Nero, Taan, Bolehren, and Marcan* so far. I was kinda MAD about it. How can I avoid them if she keeps putting them in my face?? And why do I NEED to meet them, anyway? So what if I never know their name, how is it helping me? I don't really even understand all the relationship very well anyway. It's just confusing to me. So what difference does it make?

I glare at a man behind me. Unlike archetypes there is nothing wrong with him... this is usually a clue. He is about 6'5" to 7' tall, so a bit unusually tall.

"Are you an archetype?" I ask him suspiciously.

A pause. Then he says, "Yes." As he said this, into my head came a variety of visuals, like symbolic geometric shapes, as if anything he said somehow had a whole shape-based core meaning... very odd.

But I didn't believe him. Not like I think a guide would (could??) lie to me but I can't recall, in 18 years of doing archetype meditations now and then, anybody ever doing so. So he had to be for real an archetype.

I call in the Water of Love to rain down on him and clean/heal/improve/etc. him, but I have the odd feeling it's doing nothing. It's like a ghost standing in the rain... unaffected. So I go up inches from him and have it rain hard down on both of us. I really focus on the visualization and imagine I'm soaking wet and that part goes pretty well (thanks to bineural beats for awhile first!). I look up at him, and I say,

"You're SO lying. You're a guide, aren't you."

He admits it. "Yes." Into my head comes another bizarre visual, as if the meaning has shape inside me and it rolls out into something.

"Why did you say you were an archetype?" I complained.

(Into my head comes the realization, I think from IG, that all he actually had said was "yes".)

"Because if I'd said I was a guide you were going to leave immediately. I thought if you considered me an archetype you would stay around a little and work with me, and I could make some connection." (All kinds of visualizations come with this. It's so bizarre.)

(I guess if there is ever a question about whether guides can lie -- or at least mislead -- the answer is apparently yes.)

"What is your name?" I say with a weary sigh.

"Ithikah." Inside me I see a shape roll straight down then out near the bottom then back up and out near the top and it looks like a cross or t with two crosses, one about 3/5 near bottom and one 3/5 near top. That was his name. Like the symbol that 'meant' his name, and the word 'Ithikah' (spelled it as I 'felt' right) was a much shallower 'version' of that shape.

Later I googled it. Ithikah doesn't exist, apparently, but Ithica is a city in New York, the original name being a place in Greece.

Ithikah and Nero? -- greek and roman? -- what is this? I have ZERO interest in greek stuff or roman stuff. And that dream recently, about the archeology site, which actually tied into a dream I had a few years ago of living at that site -- that feels like something from the greco-roman era. This reminds me of how when I had zero interest in Egyptian stuff I had all kinds of symbolism from it. Well now I have zero interest in Greek or Roman stuff yet my guides sure seem to be in that mold. Isn't 'Marcus'* some kind of Roman name too?

And why would it make sense that a 'guide' was from anywhere, anyway? If the whole point is that we are many people, then why would a... geez, what ARE guides? Spirits? Entities? Just aspects-of-self? Fragments of your oversoul? I have no idea. But why would they need to be any given one of those identities? And again, why do I need to know? Name one useful thing that "meeting" my guides is doing for me, besides making me sound even stupider and crazier to people who read my blog.

I did ask him what he did with me. I didn't really hear/get what he said. I thought he said, "public perception", but there were all these shapes rolling out in my head every time he spoke and I got distracted. When I refocused on him I said, "No, I'm pretty sure Bolehren does that or something like it she said. Can't imagine why I need two guides for it; can't even imagine why I need one frankly. He tried to say something else to me, I could feel he was trying to explain, but I couldn't hear him. I realized I was irked about meeting yet another of the group and closing him off.

I wish I could explain why this bothers me so. It just BUGS me! I feel intellectually like I should be fascinated and spending lots of time meditating and getting to know them and golly isn't that groovy but instead I just feel frustrated and exasperated and like I don't want to DEAL with it at all. Like it just completely trods on some boundary issue for me, pushes my buttons, and it makes me kinda mad -- not angry but some emotion close to that (maybe internal panic lol) -- every time I deal with it. It's like it's a belief system I don't have yet. I don't really BELIEVE in guides yet. I still think people talking about it sounds like grapenuts (fruits, nuts and flakes). Yet there it is dammit, like standing in the middle of my reality, and it's not going away! I have the clear feeling that IG is trying to force a change in my belief system, and I know it's for my own good, but that doesn't make it any easier.

I was irked about all of it. I closed the meditation. I went to see IG and I started to tell her about how it pissed me off that she keeps springing some new extension-of-self-guide on me. But before I can rant at her, this huge understanding comes into my mind of how much she loves me and how she is very wise and she is doing what needs doing and it is, in fact, exactly what I want, if only I were clearer with myself, with my higher self, so I understood it is really what I want.

(This reminds me of a time circa 1994 when I was on my knees literally shouting at God, seriously pissed off about something I can't even remember, something my reality was forcing on me and I DID NOT WANT dammit, when I had this understanding hit me that in fact it was exactly, profoundly, what I wanted, and only my stubborn shallow perception was keeping me from seeing that.)

I realize that she has 'given' me this perception. How can I be mad at her. She's awesome. I love her so and she's so great for me no matter how much I gripe about her. So I just end it.

I kinda tried to forget about it. Then talking to my boyfriend on the phone I remembered suddenly. I tried to forget it after that when I realized I needed to blog it. Sigh.

Both Nero and IG told me that at least once a day I should imagine that I am holding the hands of each guide and that we are freely exchanging energy.

I don't really know why. The vague impression I got was that the more I was connected with them consciously, the more of their power I had available to me and the more they could actively help and cause change in my life. It sounds good on paper. But I still don't really understand clearly how this help would come about.

I told my BF that I just wanted my spiritual life to make sense.

"Not bloody likely," he said dryly. I suppose he's right.

PJ

P.S. I didn't even realize yesterday (today for me) was the 22nd. I had decided last Nov. that Jan 22, 2009 was a big power number -- 1, 11 and 22. I was hoping to build and open a group on that date but my computer down for a month put that out of the plan. I didn't even use the date today at work oddly but still don't know how I missed it. Anyway, I wonder if meeting Ithikah on this date has any significance, or if it's just another sneaky opportunity for IG to get one in.

PPS> Marcus later said 'Marcan' was better.

Knight of Wands, part 5 (3/4)

I did this a couple weeks ago and didn't blog it, so predictably I've forgotten most of it.

In the fourth Knight of Wands meditation I was given 4 archetypes to work with and this was on the third of them.

My impression was of an oversized and bulbuous skull, as if I were seeing a skeleton sort of, on a very large and bulky man. He had way too much bone everywhere, like 3x as much as a human is supposed to need. It took me several meditation attempts to connect properly with him and work with him. I ended up doing a lot of visualization, 'water/light/chemical of love' cleansing, and he was only somewhat affected. I had the sudden idea to do a 'sandstorm' which did well at wearing his external until a great deal of it was gone and he was a relatively normal looking person. But he still had more bone than is normal. Maybe that's a symbol in itself.

We merged but I didn't feel anything. We did work a lot. IG seemed to think it was fine, but I felt like some stronger sense 'ought' to come of it, which was frustrating. I hate that! I went back and did a little more with him but still nothing.

As he did not 'change all the way' to normal in some fashion I felt like maybe I wasn't succeeding, but he suggested, 'Maybe that is the way I choose to be.' I had a sense then that just because something is not ideal in my opinion doesn't mean it is bad. I had the sense that the heavy thick bone he had was like a result of my childhood somehow, and so you might say, it was a little heavier than it should be, but it was also stronger, more powerful, and maybe he chose to keep that power/strength rather than be what I call normal or better looking.

I had to think about that for awhile, that maybe it related to my weight -- since this archetype was assigned by IG after a meditation about my weight and pointedly to work through before I got to the next ones on that topic. Like maybe I should interpret it in that context.

As an aside, bone represents 'character' in Biogram. And some related things. It's "foundational".

Well, not real exciting but that's the way it was. Wish I'd blogged it when I should have. One more to go!

Marcan, Black-Eyes and Remote Viewing

Yesterday when napping I had such an 'astral-ish' dream. The sort where you can totally feel your energy body moving around. It vaguely related to remote viewing but I didn't remember much detail. Only that I was lying on a trampoline and gently throwing myself (impossibly) up into the air and then sinking low and rebounding.

Last night I was dreaming and again, I was focused on remote viewing. Not a surprise as I've been working on a human target pool yesterday and today. A man showed up to help me who seemed normal and friendly, we were going to be working on my RV, and I was just feeling enthusiastic when another man showed up very suddenly and pulled me away from him, forward in space but somehow in time as well.

The man who had arrived had a 'fascination' element for me; his eyes were black and hypnotic. In the back of my head, I was concerned about the nice guy, but couldn't seem to think very clearly about it anymore.

We were continuing on this journey, and the first man showed up behind us to join me. He seemed to think that it was his place to be with me related to RV. The second man with 'the eyes' grabbed him and threw him some impossible distance away. I looked back, stricken, worried that he would be harmed, and it seemed he had crumbled in a heap in the distance. But then the new guy's eyes distracted me and we continued on.

The nice guy showed up behind us a second time, refusing to leave me alone with the other. The other guy then grabbed him and somehow threw him into an oncoming speeding car that tumbled over until when I looked again, somehow he was stretched out like a cartoon around the end of a truck, obviously dead. I was getting more concerned now but again the eyes distracted me and we walked on.

A third time, the man showed up beside me, and the guy next to me threw him back on the ground, and the man with me shot him in the head three times. I looked in some horror at all the blood spreading on the ground behind us, and feeling some odd sense of grief I let the man pull me forward and away.

I suddenly woke up, and the dark-eyed man couldn't hold me asleep as I felt he tried to; he was gone to me when I awoke. But I could sense the other man in the dream though--the nice guy who had come to get me three times--as if he were right there with me while I was awake--something I've only felt Nero do before.

I said to him, "Damn, what a dream. Are you real? Are you one of my Guides?" He said yes. I brought us to Inner Guide and asked her if he was in Nero's group and she said yes. I said, "How can you be ok?" He answered, "He can't really hurt me; he can only give you the illusion of my death so you would give up on me." I thought then about how it did seem that when I looked back, his various injuries had sort of followed my attention.

"What's your name?" I asked, apparently too sleepy to remember this part is usually difficult for me, and he said, "Marcus." "Just like that?" I asked with some humor. "So... you are a guide who would work with me on RV, yes?" He nodded.

I still don't really understand the dream. Who was the bad guy with the black hypnotic eyes who didn't want him near me? It had that "three" sequence which I often get in meaningful dreams.

Well so I guess I have another guide now. At least this one's name wasn't hard to figure out.

.
(Edited 21NOV09: Marcus told me he was better with Marcan as a name. I asked why and he said he gave me Marcus because "It was familiar to you" and he wanted me to perceive it without any resistance. So... ok. I have changed the name in the blog so the labels work.)

ArchMed: Fear of Psi #2

This is the second meditation in that fear of psi series. I need to do more of these.

From Jul 18 2002. Archmed: Fear of Psi #2

It was late last night, but I had to go back in to work more with 'fear of psi' arch. I'd been putting it off which is only a sign it needs doing.

First I went to this house I have over past a canyon in my sacred space. I put some energy into its reality as a thoughtform. Just as I was about to turn to the door, I SAW a guide.

SAW him! Visually! Totally clear! For the first time in my whole life! I have 'felt' guides. Once in awhile I can hear like words if they say them quick. I block them - I feel the block - drives me nuts but that's the way it was. I held onto the visual while I said over and over in my head, oh my god! I can see him! I can really SEE him! Oh my god!

I finally said TO him, "I - I can SEE you!! How come I can see you?!" And he said, "Because you are ready for me." I lost the meaning of this because then I was going, "Oh my god! I can HEAR you too!" LOL. I have the attention span of my 5 year old...

Well after a bit, I decided I needed to get to it (the med). He was cleaned off and out and through but nowhere near being a good relationship. So I got myself TO him finally which was a huge effort of will. And I reached for him and put my hands on him and held him close in front of me though he clearly didn't want to be there.

Suddenly I had this huge fear, "My fish! I forgot to feed my fish! They will die! Oh, NO!" -- and I said, "Knock it off! I will not let go of you." I refocused on him.

Suddenly I felt this surge of fear and actual pain in my stomach and thought, "My servers! I forgot to send the money for my servers! This is terrible! Oh, NO!" -- and I said, "I will not let go of you!" and tightened my grip.

I went through about 12 things like this! One by one, every possible thing, every fear, came up in my gut like a hard kick, like I had to let go and focus on something else, but I refused.

Somewhere in there I had this insight that somehow... a lot of "little fears" in my life actually stem from HIM. From the fear of psi. I am not real clear on how. I'm constantly redirecting it into other things in life.

Then fleas were biting me. Then I had terrible itches. Then I had major stomach/pelvic abreactions. My mind tried to go elsewhere. This finally pissed me off to the point that I sat up and forward with my eyes wide opened and just locked the visualization in an overlay over the room around me, so I would not be so easily led away mentally as I am with eyes closed, and every time something bothered me I just dealt with it and then re-affirmed, holding him close, "I am not afraid of you! I will not let go of you!"

Then I said, "Give up. I am not letting go. I will work through you, I will integrate you, I will NOT be afraid."

And for the first time -- archs I fear, I almost never see clearly -- his face came into visual (more concept than vision? ). His eyes looked into mine, and changed radically into these large, orange, vertical-pupil'd cat eyes, the kind the cat-eyed lizard guys have, the hard-core telepath reptilians that seem to think this planet is their property, I knew them way back. I stomped on the fear and held steady and said, "You are alien. You are AN alien... I know that *I* am alien. This doesn't scare me! I will not be afraid of psi! I am not afraid of being alien! I am not afraid!"

Then his mouth came into sense, and this long, snaky forked tongue came out and waved around in my face and I said, "I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU! You are reptilian! -- You are the "ancient brain" -- I know that! I am a reptile, so FINE! -- I am not afraid! I will BE whatever I am -- I AM!"

Then his mouth opened up, and I saw stars and galaxies inside, and it kept opening impossibly huge, as if there was this impossibly vast universe of infinity inside him and I would be infinitely insignificant and utterly lost, and I dug in my heels and held him tighter and yelled in my head, "I am not afraid! I have died in that universe - I have been more dead than this body can dream - I have been dissolved at the ego-core -- I AM! My consciousness will NOT die, nothing dies, it can only change, and I'm willing! I will change! I am all things! I am that universe! You cannot scare me!"

This went on... I don't remember everything about each stage, but it was SOOOO drawn out and dramatic! I refused to be scared by anything, or more accurately, I should say I just dealt with the fear and refused to give into it because it all DID spark me... I insisted on accepting everything as something I was willing to integrate, and I held onto his shoulders and would not let him get away.

I turned to my inner guide (the one with me for such meds) and said, "I need help! What am I supposed to DO with him?! I need some process that will help integrate us, but I don't know what to do!" And I continued fighting to hold on and focus on the arch. I finally had an idea but it was different than normal. Usually in these meds, you do something that affects the archetype. You fix it, change it, heal it, whatever.

The idea was something that actually affected ME as much as the archetype (first time I've had that), a sort of tube of light rings we stood in, and piece by piece starting at the head, it dissolved each of us into the finest particles, then 'cleaned out' the 'space between them', and then merged them into a single body in the middle. Until we were done, and I was it.

And I looked down at my hands, and they almost seemed to grow into long-finger claw-like hands, and I remembered this symbology from when I was 19 and these entities were hanging out in my room, I was a total skeptic but talked to them since they were there and it seemed rather pointless to argue that obvious fact (!?), and my preacher tried to convince me it was 'spiritual warfare', until finally one of them in exasperation at my insisting they were some kind of evil gave me that imagery and freaked me out and I told them to leave and never come back (and my psi of that time in my life went with them, by the way, I hadn't realized that until this med; it came back like a cycle years later).

I looked at my hand and went ahead and further imagined it in that claw form and said to myself inside, as I was now him too, "I. Am. Not. Afraid.!"

It took me like 5 cycles of the TMI focus12 CD to do this and I finally had to turn it off entirely -- it was that hard to stay focused and get TO it.

And to think, when I began this 'fear of psi' as an archetype meditation idea, I thought it'd be a little thing I would just cover 'in case' it related to my seeming self-blocked from awareness.

OK. So I'm an alien ancient-brain reptilian in the insignificance of infinity.

It's just another day.

PJ

ArchMed: Fear of Psi #1

Since I still haven't gotten to #3 of the Knight of Wands meditation, I thought I would post a couple 2002-era impactive archmeds that I just found the record of yesterday. I wonder why sometimes the stuff I most expect to be nothing and shrug off, turn out to be the most mind bending.


From Jul 18 2002. Archmed: Fear of Psi #1

I decided to do an archetype meditation on 'fear of psi'.

While I've never felt this is much of an issue for me, some psychologists, such as Dr. Charles T. Tart, feel that fear of psi is a culturally common thing, much moreso than we realize, so I figured, it could not hurt to give it a try. (Didn't expect much.)

I was using a hemi-sync CD, focus 12 freeflow, which I put on repeat. I first spent some time just getting in a nicely altered state. I feel much more in touch with my 'emotional body' in F12 and I tend to feel emotions and such very _physically_, so it is really good for these meds.

I asked my guide for the archetype of My Fear of Psi. I rather figured this would be a fairly quick meditation, but who knows, maybe useful in some way.

The arch was humanoid. I turned to look at him and nearly hyperventilated as I put my hands on my chest. I couldn't see him well. He was covered with the symbol of fear, a "spiders in the gooey dark" kind of concept. The fear literally gripped me. My heart beat fast. I found myself distracted by other thoughts. Every time I brought myself back and tried to focus on the arch, I started breathing fast and hard again. I could feel the fear physically in my chest, a powerful force.

I was thinking to myself, my god! Dr. Tart probably didn't realize it was THIS big a deal, sheesh! And I was really surprised because I honestly didn't think this would be any big deal for me, and yet, this arch felt like one of the few very "core" archs have with me -- very powerful.

I realized I couldn't do it alone. I reacted too physically to it. So I called in my Sun -- he is my love, my energy, he works with me in a lot of archmeds, either merging with me or just being with me, or once in awhile I have certain archs hold hands with each other or something to share energies between two concepts. I also called in 'responsibility'. This is not the right word in english, use the 'true will/dharma' meaning of it, not the surface 'obligation' meaning. That arch is humanoid but not human, sort of the ultimate warrior, a strong man with golden eyes like a tiger and quills like a porcupine that normally lie flat on his skin. I had a profound, really physical, really oddly sexual meditation with him when I was at TMI (I was ignoring the tape and doing a med instead), that was so incredible, I felt as if he were physically inside my skin and any psychic looking at me might actually see HIM instead of me. He is very powerful and I wanted him to protect me. So with the two of them there with me, I finally had the courage to face the 'fear of psi' archetype.

First things first. I'm a clean freak when it comes to archetypes. Any sign of dirt, dust, bugs, etc. is a sign that I have a problem with the arch. (Dust usually indicates it's something I have buried for a long time in myself. Dirt that it is something I have denigrated in myself. Bugs/gross stuff usually indicates it is something I have real fear about. These are fairly repetitive symbols I've learned.) So first I had to clean him off. It was so thick and icky that I had to stand way back (hyperventilating a bit still), and imagine the 'water of life' in a sort of high pressure hose like the car wash, LOL. I cleaned him from head to toe in a about 6 detailed sprays. Then I surveyed him. He was still gross. I sensed that everything - his ear canals down to his neck, his digestive system all the way through, everything, had that horrible stuff. So I had to clean him out completely on the inside, too. (Sometimes such meds are quite physiological. You gotta be as objective as a doctor about it.)

The fear in my body lessened in my chest, and seemed to 'recede' from the chest, and then could be felt between the heart and solar plexus area.

(Note: when doing such things, imagine the arch is standing on a thick grate, and the gross stuff falls into it, is liquified, and is put in the 'waste disposal system' of that world. This is important because it seems from experience that these meditations often cleanse the physiological body of the meditator (as well as perhaps the energy body, if you wanna get metaphysical about it). Literally it can flush a lot of toxins. You don't want them just in your system or it'll be like doing a cleansing diet without taking appropriate herbs or liquids to wash it out, you'll have a good med and wake up with a body-aching flu. Use that symbology and your body will dump such things in the normal body waste disposal systems.)

When that was done I surveyed him once again. I was still too afraid to get super near him frankly, but felt a little better. I decided I still sensed a strong darkness throughout him, and he needed a chakra cleansing in a big way. (For those clueless, chakras are the hypothesized 'energy vortexes' throughout the body; there are a number of 'major' ones, the number and color and some placement depends on the tradition.) So I had Sun help me and we gradually cleaned him out energetically too. Really ICKY! he was. Yuck. Anyway, so finally he was pretty clean.

The 'fear' in my body had faded further, though it still existed, and had continued moving down to my solar plexus and a little below.

I had to get fairly close to him to do the crown chakra. I was able to, but still not comfortable. When it was over, I knew there was a lot more work to do, and told him that, but I'd done what I could for the time. We traded some symbols in the body. That was that. I will have to work a lot more with him as we are nowhere near the point of a good merge.

The intriguing thing to me was that "fear of psi," which I didn't think would be any big deal with me really, turned out to be such a "core" issue and so profoundly fearful. I am still kind of amazed about that. I mean, I've been 'into' the RV field for a long time, and wouldn't suspect that I personally have 'fear' about it. Yet, these meditations are usually extremely accurate about what is inside oneself, so I have to believe it must be so.

I am hoping that over time, my working with this archetype will resolve any issues in my RV that such deep, hidden issues might be affecting.

PJ

Knight of Wands, Part 4 (2/4)

I swear, this may go down as the most difficult and epic archetype meditation of my life.

Tonight I worked on the second of the four figures from the 'Knight of Wands' archetype, the one I've been mostly in denial about since late September. The post previous to this talked about how I ended up in the meditation.

Apparently my guides and inner self are 'Bringing the Mountain to Mohammed'.

I didn't do the ordinary process of getting to Inner Guide (IG) as I was accepting an 'interactive vision' happening spontaneously. I was falling down this fairly wide, rounded hole in the ground that reminded me a little like, 'maybe this is the cliff from my archetype world'. I have gone down inside that area for body things before which have been pretty amazing.

At the bottom I slowed and just sat down. I could no longer see any opening at the top. It was pitch black and "dank". I remembered that particular sense from a spontaneous meditation I had in January of 2006, part of a series of amazing meditations. I had showed up in what appeared to be a sinus cavity and gone to see what turned out to be my eye. I know, that's just so bizarre it's hilarious, but the visuals in those visions were like 3D dolby-sound lucas-level immensely detailed wonders... amazing stuff.

Anyway, I heard this sound at the same time the "dank" sense of dark-wet-sorta-still got through, at the same time I was remembering where I'd felt that before, and I knew before I turned my head I would see some kind of amphibian-like creature. It was a frog with a longish body and big splayed colorful fingers and huge eyes, about half my size. Last time it was a frog twice my size that led me to where I needed to go, but this time, it was a bit different, and it just sat there and looked at me, as I became aware that there were quite a few like him of varying sizes, and other things I couldn't recognize, and then a whole variety of stuff all over everywhere, that seemed like kind of like a cross between lichen and fireflies, like something that grew thinly over surfaces but was sort of lit up. I wondered what it was and I got the sense of bacteria (not necessarily bad) and things like that.

I "became aware" that I was to do the next step of the archetype meditation on the knight of wands. Not having finished this has left me open to the effects of that energy activated and not dealt with and it's been kicking my ass bigtime for two months. I figured well why not, and agreed, and before I could even ask for the next step, a woman appeared. I called for IG, the Angelics, Nero, Taan, Bolehran, and went up to her.

She looked sort of ok on the outside. There was something wrong but I couldn't see what. She had longish straight dark hair, and after considering her for a bit, I felt that there was a sense of a grevious wound like from a sword, that wrapped up around her torso and across her neck. Like it was deep and bloody. And yet I couldn't see anything at all there... so that was just inexplicable.

I started talking to her, and I felt so very affectionate about her for some reason. I felt like she was a woman and yet, like a a vulnerable child who was holding something inside, like a secret, as if held for someone else, paying a price for something every day. I laid her on a table and brought in an imagined technology that would make her completely translucent to me so I could 'see inside her'.

I didn't know what to make of it. She was absolutely stuffed FULL of... stuff. The kind of stuff that looks like a metal junkyard, a local trash heap, someone's storage bin, everything you can imagine, random pieces of metal and weird and yucky stuff, actual objects, things in pieces, things rolled up like for packing, everything stuffed together tightly, and some impossible quantity of it stuffed into her body.

(Some analogy to my being fat was a little hard to ignore there.)

I imagined another table next to us on which everything I went through would appear, atom by atom, as it vanished from within her. I looked into her skull first. There was a specific shape in her head, like a partly open clamshell that had spikes like a carniverous plant but was made of metal. I imagined touching that energy thought-form and vibrating it super subtly and fast so it 'released' all its connections to anything in her head and then I used my palms to 'suck' like energetically at it until it came out into my hand. I asked for help in pouring good energy into the space it left and helping to rebuild or regrow there. Then I put the object on the other table in a stasis field and went back to her and worked on the 'space' now inside her. I imagined that this was such a great opportunity because she could grow tons of new energy here, exciting stuff, good stuff she'd never even imagined, it was like a little space of totally new opportunity.

When that seemed well dealt with, I went back to the other table, to the object, and I imagined separating at the most fundamental level, the energy of the form from the energy 'imbuing' it. I imagined cleaning all that energy totally so it was fresh and new. Then I imagined a place underground at least 500 feet wherever the earth felt most comfortable accepting this energy, and I imagined the gradual transfer of 'all energy that needs that renewal, that would not be truly good for me if reabsorbed' into that space. Then what was left, I brought into the energy field just outside my body. So my body could take it or leave it as needed, as it chose.

I found another shape in her skull, this one lower, another piece of metal, with a funky shape as if it were being used to separate and block several areas from one another. I did the same process with that.

Then I started at her crown and I went through her head like a beam of gold light lowering through her and everything it touched that was not something that should be there for her health, was transferred over to the other table, just as it was inside her (so in the same shape and so on). It was sort of amazing that when I finished the head, there was a solid conglomerate of 'stuff' over on the other table, that had all been inside her. I looked back into her head and it seemed like there was so much more space inside, like so much clutter had been removed that gosh, it was perfect and wonderful but her head might not know what to do with it for awhile.

I did this with the spinal cord, from into the brain down into top of the chest. When it was clear, I went to the other table and put my hands out (I do this physically too) and imagined a catalyst, a conversion of all the energy of whatever was there, all those objects/shapes/densities just as they were, into pure white light. I could feel rushy-buzzy throughout my body though especially my neck. Then I did the same stuff with that, and went back to her body.

I did the shoulders, to arms and hands, and torso down to just above pelvic girdle next. That one actually took awhile. Then I did the pelvis/hips all the way to above the knees. Then I did the knees to the toes. The torso, when I did the energy-cleaning on what had been inside it, gave my whole body a series of rushes with every breath of cleansing that went on awhile.

I noticed that in every area where bones met was something sort of interesting; a sort of "energetic complication". Where the hips met was a big deal, the joining place was different than the area on either side. The knees, very much the same thing. Then when I got to the ankles and the feet in detail, I openly wondered about this, and understood that this really IS how it is. "Junctures" within our body represent junctures within our energy patterns. On one hand, long static energy that can occur in other places is rare in junctures because the motion keeps things moving. On the other hand, they are potentially chaos. I perceived them as kind of like a complex freeway intersection of energy in a way, but infinitely more complex. On one hand it's a lot of energy moving and exchanging. On the other, this can result in everything from slowdowns to actual crashes and jams of complication. I had never before considered doing cleansing specifically on various joints before but it sounded like a good idea then. My feet appeared to be THE most complex thing in my body except my spinal cord, by this perception.

Then I went back and worked with every major chakra plus knees and feet and hands, and reached the same cleaning-energy into them many layers deep, pulled out a couple nasty shapes that were embedded much more deeply in a couple. I called in 'jesus' (the spirit not the archetype-of) during the heart chakra and added some prayer to this.

Then something interesting happened, the 'idea' sprang up 'as' it was happening. I was on a chakra and this image of something like a box opened, looked to be a 'panel with turning knob' with a snap-shut solid lid. And the turning-knob was like 1-10 from bottom left to bottom right, 5 at top. And it showed me that it was set to like 3.5 and I understood this was the degree of openness of that particularly chakra. And so I grabbed the knob and turned it up but I could "feel" clearly that if I went too high there was going to be some problems. Like too much of some energies would over-influence me, distract or disturb me, etc.

So I opened myself to IG and tried to "share my intent with her" for what I would *like* as far as psychic awareness goes, but with the caveat that I wanted a sense of guidance for what would be enough but not too much. I felt that a certain place on the dial was the crux point. At that point would be as much as I wanted, optimistically; but one click back would be safer. After considering that I could always do this visualization again and reset them, I usually (on most the chakras) chose one-click-back from the point possible. (I chose less for my third eye, for example, than for my throat; one-click back for my throat though, to prevent too much audio noise; but then on my solar plexus I actually went pretty high on the knob, feeling that was an important one to have power in; I don't remember all the detail.)

Some were at like 5 and some were at like 7.5... none went above that. On one (I can't recall which), the knob split into a spirit-vision of two knobs, and I could see that one was at like 2 and one was at like 8 and it was really a problem, there was some kind of "imbalance" there. I imagined moving them each so they were around 5 and then merging them together, and then 'feeling' with IG to move the one to wherever it should be. I would imagine putting the knob there, putting my palm over it to 'seal the intent' with energy, closing the little 'case-lid' that protected it.

When all this was done, I imagined her and my merging fully physically, and my accepting her. I didn't get any sense of rush from this at all, and yet I actually felt as if it worked pretty well. I don't know that I've ever had a good sense of integration while having no rush. Maybe because the rushes happened earlier during the process.

So IG vanished her and there I was in the dark dank cave-like room. I wondered if maybe the room and all its interesting inhabitants could use an energy cleaning. So I imagined sending out a 'wave' of cleansing white energy that gradually went around the walls and through everything. I sensed that some of the lichen-firefly-things were not 'good' (bad bacteria?) so I used the energy to basically over-energize them... they expired, leaving only raw energy, not their former identity. And as I cleaned this area and all its creatures, it started changing around me. Things were growing all over like plants and trees and fresh air was coming in and by the time I was finished, I was sitting in a little glade in something kind of like the median point between forest and jungle. That was kind of interesting.

I rolled it up inside me and decided to get up and do something useful (like make dinner, clean the refrigerator, etc.).

While cooking and cleaning, my body has felt so very interesting. As if it is relaxed in a way I've never felt. As if tension and some degree of... fullness or stiffness has left it. It's very difficult to put into words, but I really feel as if that meditation had a very physical effect on my body, and some degree of relaxed mental effect too.

As I was cooking I was thinking that this archetype is sort of the polar opposite of the first one.

Recall the first one was a man, and he was 'burned out'--very literally. This one was a woman, and she was stuffed-full of intensely packed, long-stored then 'abandoned' energies. It made me wonder if the four elements in this meditation have some analogy or parallel to The Four of me that I so often work with.

Well, two more to go. I hope I will do these much sooner; I feel as if I am more relaxed and inclined to do so. But I also feel that I should not do this right now. That I need some time, maybe a week or two (it's been a couple weeks since I did the first one) to let this integrate on some level, and then I can do the next.

Deep Sleep and Precursors to Meditation

The last two days have been very odd for me. My dreams have had a depth that is pretty rare and I haven't seen regularly in many years. And this morning when I woke up, I felt that my 'awareness' was 'still at depth'. I felt tranced but not in the normal dull-fuzzy way, rather just in the most-my-brain-is-deeper way. I was so intensely sleepy, the sort of feeling I used to get when my body/soul/whatever was insisting I sleep immediately to work something out, that a couple hours after I woke up this morning, I went back to sleep!

My kid woke me up later, astounded I was sleeping so late. (That's really something, coming from her, haha.) So I got up and made her food and did a few things online and then knew that I had to go back to sleep yet again. No matter how illogical it seemed, my body was insisting. So I went back to sleep for several hours.

I dreamed so deeply. What seemed like hundreds of dreams. Some were surface dreams but they involved events and people that haven't been in my life in 20-25 years. Most were deep dreams and one of the oddest factors was the awareness factor of a third element that was neither me nor dream. Dreams would be stopped at some point and someone would ask me, are you aware you're dreaming? or they would point out to me some element of the dream situation I was missing, or they would say, so what would be your decision in a situation like this? It was so odd, as it felt almost like a spiritual interview of some kind as well as education as part of it. Yet when I woke up, the whole content of the examples vanished from me and I 'understood' that was the way it had to be.

So I was up for a few hours mostly doing online stuff, when my internal-visuals started kicking up. What I mean by that is, I tend to daydream, even while in the process of thinking about something else, writing code for a website, typing email, whatever. The word 'daydream' is not accurate as that implies majority conscious control. It's more like I sometimes interfere a little in 'interest' but usually it's some other part of my mind doing whatever it does... I'm not consciously driving them. This is just a multi-track kind of thing, no big deal.

But suddenly whatever daydream the rest of me was having, the visuals and whole environmental awareness of it was getting so powerful that it started distracting me from what I was doing. When I turned my attention to it, it completely dropped in, like the sort of half-"Visions" I used to have a long time ago -- they are somewhere between a full vision and an archetype meditation. (Who knew there were so many 'degrees' of conscious involvement in one's own inner experience?)

I realized that my body and mind were basically saying, Hey! Pay attention! so I moved aside my laptop and turned off the light and closed my eyes and let myself be absorbed into the environment already fleshing out inside my head. And that's how the next stage of the archetype meditation began -- apparently it was my 'self' bringing it on, I realized, so I accepted that and moved into it.

PJ

Knight of Wands, part 3 (1/4)

Yes, I know. Sep 20 is the last day I meditated, a Knight of Wands meditation that was so difficult I couldn't get more than a little bit into it. I was going to be right back with that. October came and went. Difficult archetype meditations are such a pain to "get around to!"

I've spent the month+ since I left off, paying the price. Feeling emotionally fragmented and slightly traumatized, distracted and disorganized, in avoidance and denial. I blew my eating plan all to hell and more, in a small rampage of self-destruct mode.

My boyfriend came to visit at the end of October. It was great to have him here, but my one week a year with him vs. the other 51 weeks a year tends to put me through the whole 7-stages-of-grief thing when he leaves, which sucks. (Right now I'm in the slightly pissed off, fine-I-don't-need-you-then stage.) During one day he was here, I stayed in the car on a chilly, windy day, for about an hour in the driveway, when I just suddenly felt like meditating, out of the blue.

I went back and picked up where I left off in my Knight of Wands meditation. As a refresher, I had first come onto an endless lawn (almost battleground type 'field') filled with people on medical beds who were horrible, greviously injured, with a man up front speaking for them. I asked to shift the energy to a smaller quantity I could deal with, and then got four 'people' each with some... problem. The first, which I didn't start on before I passed out that time, seemed sort of normal in front except a monkey-like face, but the back was completely burned out, hollowed out, the whole back of the body. That's where I left off.

So I picked it up there, this is last week. The meditation was very difficult although not complex. I got him onto a gurney and flipped him over and filled all the hollowed-out of him with "the water of life". I asked for the Angelics and they came and each put a hand on my back on a shoulder blade. Then I 'got the attention' of the front of him that was still fleshed out and asked it to become flexible and to start replicating cells, to rebuild him from the front, gradually adding flesh on the inside where the little lakes were. I would be doing that and my mind would flip to some other weird seemingly unrelated scenario I had to get through, and then I'd find myself as if returned suddenly to the meditation, and I would refocus and continue the visualization. This happened over and over, so what was merely a simple visualization took just over an hour.

But in the end, that one was healed. I merged but got no rush at all from it, but felt that this was really only a fraction of the total archetype and it was not ready for more yet. That left three more. I ended the meditation.

My goal is to get to the next one 'soon' -- there are 4, I've done 1, so, 3 to go. I wrote this down so I wouldn't forget (I already forgot most the detail). It has basically been about 50 days and it's time to get THROUGH that! Gosh this one is turning out to be complex.

The odd thing is, I never had a meditation where another archetype was spelled out for me, let alone where I was specifically referenced to a tarot card archetype. I still find that so fascinating. And it would have been even if it had just been an ordinary meditation. But it seems to me the depth and challenge of this particular archetype, only goes to prove how important it must be for me to deal with.

And I still haven't gotten back to my original archetype related to obesity because I have to get through this one first. Talk about a challenge!
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