Observing Your Focus, and Truth

I have taken up 'observing my focus' for the last several days. I've done this before, and I am noticing the same things now that I have in those times.

* My god. Do I spend THAT much time daydreaming, even while doing other things?

* Must daydreams always involve some element of power, control, violence, ego or other negative? (Even the positives are couched in negative situations.)

* Why does my biochemistry crave the daydream elements like a drug?

* Is there no end to the amount of totally retarded crap that runs through my head that has no purpose whatsoever, like some mental flotsam from immediate experience?

* Why does spontaneous experience (e.g. while driving down the road) invariably present some negative situational daydream?

* Why is it so difficult to maintain 'awareness' so these thought processes can be observed and altered more often and sooner?

So when I realize I have a thought process which is, shall we say, "unproductive", I imagine the energy of it splitting, so any 'manifestation-level' energy pulls off then is super-granulated and cleansed, then it is free to be used elsewhere. Then I imagine that I (via Will) cleanse and upgrade and brighten the energy composing all the rest of it. And then it's ok to re-absorb it, via my solar plexus.

The problem with 'awareness' is that if I 'get aware' spontaneously about 20 times, I usually have to do the whole release, cleanse, upgrade process 19-20 times. In other words, my head when I am not consciously focused on something, is nearly always filled with 'unproductive' activity. It's ridiculous.

How much different might my life be if more of my focus was on the positive?

I happen to have a quote from an old journal about this, since it is included in Bewilderness:

[Dec 1993] Well since I read that Seth book I've been thinking about the stuff he said. I'm watching my thoughts, and every time I come upon some subject or thought that is limited, or limiting, that defines a 'reality' for no apparent reason, that is based on the past or nothing else, I tell myself that it will disintegrate. It seemed appropriate, psychologically.

Problem is, I'm having to do this 400 times a day!! It seems like every single thought I have falls into this category. I can't believe how much my thoughts limit, and enclose, my life, my sense of reality... I can hardly believe it, but it seems everything my mind is based upon is some arbitrary judgement... I'm thinking, geez, where did all these judgements come from? I realize that I am making a decision about how things "have" to be, based upon no supporting data whatsoever. It's amazing!

All this time I thought I had everything figured out pretty well in life, I was intelligent, I was innovative. Now I see that even my wildest thoughts and most creative modalities were just well-kept paths through pre-existing gardens... designed by someone, who knows who, but it wasn't me.

Yeah, that.

The more I got my awareness under control the more I became 'responsible' for 'what my head was doing'. I got more and more focused on 'truth' as some actual THING that I could feel "in the middle of me", through me, as if it were part of the Superstring-of-Me that seems to go from center of Earth to center of Galaxy and pass right through the absolute laser-center of my crown to kundalini in the middle.

The primary side-effect of all this, as I recall, was what I called "instant karma." It felt like as I got closer and closer to truth, I began to understand how far from it we normally live. Most is just 'flotsam' -- it isn't truth, it isn't a lie, it's just trivial surface stuff, daily life. But as that gets minimized, and what is inside gets streamlined, it begins to feel like that constant 'unaware-thinking' that our mind does must have been 'venting energy' or using it in some way, because the less of that is going on, the more fundamental power the thoughts on purpose seem to have for manifestation.

I wrote about 'truth' and a profound dream/insight related to this previously.

I could feel that energy when I read things. I called it 'the red thread of truth'. I could just feel "through" words. I was barely able to test this in any objective way--but a little, that supported it. I could 'feel' where someone wrote a sentence but then changed it around. Very subtle, but I could feel in my gut the 'mixing'. When they added a word or sentence in later. When something that mattered was removed. Or when someone else (like an editor) added something in -- a break in the connection, a coldness of that element -- and if something shifted the intent or carried some intent other than the same one the writer had, that felt SO obvious.

So I would think of something positively, I would like XYZ to happen, and it would happen. I don't mean, eventually it occurred in my life. I mean, "convenient coincidence" is how it began, which increased to "massively improbable synchronicity" and we're talking astronomically improbable, which increased to "radical changes in space-time-reality around me." Whole 'breaks and shifts' in the reality around me to 'open up' a probability I wanted.

The closer I was to 'truth', to having 'my head clean and focused', the more I could see the effects of my thoughts on my reality. Now I admit I still am not 100% clear on why it was like it was. I mean, sarcasm, droll and exaggeration for example are my favorite types of humor yet they were pointedly off the path of truth. I could feel myself diverging from the feeling, from "being in the center", when I used them even briefly and in a positive framework.

There are other side-effects. For example the more you 'feel' truth the more you realize that if you limit what you say to what carries that energy, you end up saying very little at all. I talk a lot. So this was odd for me.

Another thing: it's like you become hyper-aware of people's "intent". You start to 'feel' how what they are saying or implying diverges from truth. Which leads to the unhappy conclusion that most our planet has little familiarity with the genuine feel of truth. They aren't just lying; they're lost. They've lost the feel, through repeated bad habit/avoidance of truth, until now they are lost in the flotsam and literally have become part of the noise of this reality, not the signal, so to speak.

I could "feel" that "bad luck" -- bad timing, unfortunate coincidence, when you miss something or someone you wanted to catch, when something offbeat happens, etc. -- I could FEEL it coming as it did, when I brought it on by a shift in thinking. I understood that my shift in thinking (such as allowing a daydream of a certain kind, or letting go of the constant, insistant "positive feeling foundation" I was attempting to hold all the time) had brought this reality experience to me. But sometimes it was really hard to get the furled-up symbol or 'meta' data for what energy brought it on. I might know that thought or action X directly led, within minutes or seconds, to reality event/circumstance Y. I just might not really understand the "why" of it. Except that all 'power' models of psychology seem to really represent 'fear/lack/vulnerable' models inside and so you act out the first mentally and the second promptly shows up in reality, almost like a counterweight, like the 'hidden' part of the iceberg; the true energy your daydream was made of. But if I hadn't been super-close to truth, if the effect hadn't been nearly instant and part of what I 'felt', I don't think I would ever have become aware of this.

Recently I had a week where I was both unusually randy and unusually driven to daydream, often negatively. (I will consider the sexual stuff positive, but note that it was much more in the power-submission model than it normally is.) I just had too much energy in the lower couple of chakras and was too oblivious to do something practical and useful with it instead of wasting it. Anyway, after a week of a lot of negative, all kinds of crap started happening to me, separately, "bad luck" and "chance" and "coincidence" and ALL NEGATIVE. Finally it literally was in a group tackle on my life when I realized (from under the pile) that I had TOTALLY brought this on myself. I focused like crazy on positive feelings, on dissolving negative daydreams, and reality promptly started improving.

Since then I've been attempting to 'watch my focus' again. I haven't tried this hard in a long time. It's just as seemingly hard as it was the last time.

Why should 'awareness' be so much work? I guess we spend most of our lives training to just 'exist obliviously'.

PJ

Sigils, the Black Cross, and Star Gates

I've been watching the show Stargate SG-1 with the kid, via hulu.com (Its Name Be Praised, thanks to free sci-fi). So that means when I sleep, and before and after, and now-and-then, some % of my brain operating independently in multitasking is actually thinking about the plotlines, the philosophy, and so forth. That's normal for me. That's one reason I never let a dilemma in a show go unresolved, like not watching the end -- because my brain will spend days or longer attempting to work out the 'why' in every level of altered state. It's the Virgo-troubleshooter version of 'nature abhors a vaccuum' -- my mind cannot abide a problem unsolved, apparently.

Getting to the point:

Once it was clear that neither IG nor the tower would be introducing me to any further 'Aeons' for the Consortium, leaving me with 12 (I thought it might end up with 16 but I guess not), I rearranged them into a circle that I perceive as 'around me' or like a ring. They had a say in this; I don't know why the arrangement is like it is, and Nero suggested it didn't have super deep/important meaning--but that it does have some.

I keep that image on my desktop and sometimes I notice trivial stuff about it. Like that Ithikah and Hot Amanakhaton are at the top and bottom, or front and back depending on how you look at it, and I can't put in words why this seems not coincidental or they seem similar in some fashion like they are really tall and so powerful in some physical way. Or why Maelee and L'Anna are at the sides across from one another, they seem similar in some fashion too, like powerful healers and the feminine energy. Or why if I divide it into groups of 3 (Ithikah to Taan, L'Anna to Marcan, Hot ___ to Calmé, Maelee to Nero), each group has one female. Honestly maybe this doesn't mean anything, but it feels like it does -- not a huge thing, but something.

You can see what I had in my head when I woke up: on the last episode we watched, they found another stargate here on earth, buried far beneath the ice in Antarctica. The dilemma was: how would they know, what would give away that the lost SG-1 members were in fact on earth rather than at some other planet's stargate? How could those searching (such as the delicious Michael Shanks) know to look on earth? The coordinates of the other gate would be identical--a side effect that prevents it from being able to 'dial home', at least initially when two SG-1 people find themselves there--it essentially gets 'a busy signal'. How could the obscure minor 'symptoms' of the attempt to invoke the other gate clue them in to its existence?

I really didn't care, once the episode was over. But something in the back of my head did, so that is what I woke up thinking about.

So as I sleepily mused on if you had a stargate and you didn't know it existed, what would be your clue?, as well as on why do I eat pizza when it makes me feel like crap the next morning?, I realized with some amusement that now that my Aeons are in a circle as a concept-model, that I have my own stargate, ha-ha-ha.

Any given Aeon I connect with, there is a certain energy. They are very specifically different. The better I know them, the more obvious that is.

I considered that in my archetype work I can creatively combine archetypes, have them work together even, and that in theory, this could go for the Aeons too. Like I could bring together any given number of them. Maybe in a certain order for me, that fit the analogy, the concept-model. I imagined a sequence of this- then- that- one, energetic lines that while linear in my perception mostly served to connect them on the same circuit, and the result in my head, I realized -- startled -- was a Sigil.

In Enochian Magick, the Black Cross for example, there is this table of Sigils -- funky simple geometries that to the gut, seem like a star chart. Each square (Aeon?) character is an identity. Each has its own energy, but every 2 connected, 3, 4, 5, becomes a larger and more complex and powerful identity, and changing the sequence of their connection will change the nature of that identity, and you 'invoke' them (or perhaps 'evoke' them would be more accurate for my Aeons, as they are part of me, or rather we are all part of a larger Being). That got my attention and woke me up a little more because I hadn't connected these patterns before.

I wrote about The Rainbow of Soul in 1995 as part of Bewilderness but that was like finding the same road from a very different origin--if you visit that link and scroll down you will see a little table of the Black Cross and Sephiroth and so on and some explanation. I don't want to put the image of the BC here because running into/working with that energy has made me bizarrely superstitious about presenting its patterns any more than necessary.

I have previously written as a gripe about the Enochian stuff that it had no point of origin, no relative explanation of where WE are in that universe, something that always bothered me about that model (not quite as much as the cat-eyed lizard guys showing up any time I focused on that magick bothered me though).

I suddenly thought: well that's because it isn't really ours. It was given to Dee/Kelley but its real origin is probably the telepathic cat-eyed folks; it is THEIR map; their stargate- arranged- as- a box- of- squares. The 'symbol combinations' in the stargate scifi analogies to the sigils, the unique combination of characters in Enochian.

It occurred to me that the Consortium are my personal Black Cross; they are my Star Gate. Maybe the universes to explore are all 'me', but the mental model works, either way.

Then it occurred to me that maybe when the scifi thinks of 'visiting another planet' and magick thinks of 'visiting another dimension' and in the Aeons model I am 'invoking/evoking a certain energy pattern in my larger-self', that maybe there is no real difference between these things.

Maybe in a Holographic universe, a Serpienski String model of self mixed with that, where galaxies look amazingly like body chakras, where I can't help but think that maybe we are the size of the cosmos and also the size of a liver enzyme and oblivious that somehow it is all the same thing experienced differently -- maybe other dimensions, other planets, and other aspects of our larger-selves, are the same thing. Like how space and time are also the same, ice and water are the same, like how all points are here and now, the zero-point they call it in modern terms.

What would happen, I wondered, if I combined my Aeons in different groupings, in different sequence, and meditated on that?

It isn't the linear sequence, I heard inside me (who knows from who/where), --it is the degree of connection/priority that one identity-pattern-of-energy has to another. Maybe it was Ithikah because at the same time that came in, these sort of geometries rolled out inside me that made me feel like in my gut they 'translated to' both the idea of, and the shape of, how when you write math equations, "parenthesis make all the difference" haha.

So if I connected Nero with Marcan and then L'Anna and then Taan, the point would not be the 'linear' path from N-M-L-T, because nothing is linear truly. The point would be that (a) Nero and Taan were the 'boundary anchors' (an identity-version of the nature elements) and (b) that Marcan-L'Anna was the energy that 'brought Nero and Taan together', and that (c) Nero had more connection to Marcus than to Taan in that 'equation'.

Equation. Fractal. Geometry. Pattern of connection; a Sigil. A star chart. Every man and every woman is a star. You see? It is all the same at different perspectives; like space and time are different perceptual models for the same fundamental. Like why the aspects of the LARGER-me are called "Aeons" because space, time and identity are all part of the same fabric.

I think... I think I almost get it.

Aw well. It's just another day. Off to do the dishes now.

PJ

Aeons aka Guides

I have a background on my computer desktop of the aeons I've talked about on this blog, and a few others. I thought maybe I should post it for general reference and talk a little about how it came about.

I've had the feeling I want something to physically represent them around me. As if I feel the need to "bring them into my reality" more physically. I am still thinking about it. Talismans? Wind Chimes? No idea. But while thinking about it I decided to do an 'image'-based version of a little chart I was keeping with 'where they appeared around me'.

This is the group I originally called 'The Consortium'. A group of some multiple of 4 that was 'a layer out' of "me" -- out from the Four. Not long ago I was wondering why IG had not introduced me, nor had I spontaneously met, any new Consortium members in quite a long time. I had the feeling Nero was suggesting they were complete. I went to my list and realized that made 12. I had guessed at 12 or 16 being the final number.

I went looking for a picture to represent Nero. I thought to myself that I would just enter google terms to match his general visage, then go through pics and see what I felt best about. What I found the instant I started was that he was present and had an opinion of his own. When he saw what he felt was best for me to choose, it had nothing to do with the fact that the man had much darker hair, was younger, had no strong roman nose, and so was rather different to me physically. Something about how *I* felt about the picture -- more a sort of 'my relationship to it and how it made me feel about the person' -- is what matched.

Bolehren was similar. The pic she chose was darker than she, and in my view didn't look a lot like her aside from female with brown hair, but she loved how I felt about the picture (the woman is adorable) and felt that was perfect.

Taan chose a picture that wasn't even a person but I find endearing and funny every time I see it. It matches his sense of humor and the ongoing innate joy he has.

Ray is short and strong but disliked all my dwarf googling (with some disgust) and chose something more like a strong man.

L'Anna was easy because she had appeared in the guise of a TV character to begin with, saying my attention to that character in the previous days was partly coming from her, to make our introduction easier.

Nedlund I have only seen eyes so far. Not close enough or integrated I guess. I'm still waiting to see more of him so I can find something to better match.

Hot ___ I still haven't got his second half of name yet. And he is not as egyptian looking as his pic, or maybe he is moreso but just not that exact thing, but where else is there a pic of something like that, I ask you. (Update: Hot Amanakhaton is his full name.)

Marcan (who originally gave me the name Marcus) also chose a pic for himself darker than he really is to me, and I couldn't remember where I'd seen that real person before until I remembered: a TV character I liked very well once who actually went by the name Marcus in the show (Babylon 5). That seemed a little funny, and makes it more iffy where imagination bleeds into this archetypal game of identifying with internal aspects, doesn't it.

Maelee matches a painting of a woman I cannot find. Hers is temporary until I stumble on something else that matches better. She is blonde with hair pulled back, an intelligent but lovely face, a bit elegant in look. [edited 11/15/09 when I updated this pic: I didn't want to use the actor I found but oddly enough the look in this picture matches her pretty well.]

Ithikah is only the 'shape' he gave me of himself, and rolled out inside me. Nothing comes close to that except that actual shape.

Jared the roman centurion and El Nino his black stallion came out ok. I have been talking with Jared and El Nino off and on lately. Trying to warm Jared up to me. I feel drawn to him but he still acts as if he is separate and slightly resentful of me.

Calmé liked that pic we found. She is darling internally as well.

The four elementals-of-soul in the middle, with IG at top. It is a nice reminder for me. At IG's suggestion I sometimes visualize hugging or holding hands with each of them. Having a sort of visual, no matter how silly it kind of must be to others, does help me establish a thought form place for them inside me.

It's on an otherwise black desktop screen. So fairly dark and decent for meditating.

The irony to all this is that at one time I reacted so badly to any of them. I felt almost hysterical and angry or afraid. And now I feel like I love them and need them and I often feel great gratitude for them, and wonder how it was I could go so long without knowing and feeling them as part of me.

Recently in a half-daydream some woman tried to introduce herself to me as an aeon from a different grouping. I told her to get lost. So apparently the resistance hasn't passed, only to this particular group. They are all so awesome.

I have wondered, is it coincidence that Ithikah is very tall and HA is hugely tall, and they are front and back? Is it coincidence that the two to each side are fair women and both something to do with healing and more, I sense? My impression of their positioning (which they allowed me to put in a circle but had their opinions on how that should work) was always that, as one of them once said, it did matter a little, but not much. It was just mildly representative of our relationship.

I've had a few more conversations about 'awareness' with them. I still don't have much of it. Mostly Nero, when it does come through.

PJ
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Body Meds: No Idea I

This probably won't be the last time I do a body med and have no idea what the heck it is, hence my adding a number to the title. That used to always be the case, that I didn't know.

For years I could not hear my guides. I could see their lips moving, isn't that hilarious, but I could not hear them. Now they won't shut up. (Just kidding. Sort of.) Today when I asked Tek what this was he tried to tell me. I could feel that I was blocking him.

It SO bugs me because I don't know why. I mean seriously, who cares? I had already DONE the meditation, it was over, so why not know what it was? Why would my psychology block that? God only knows. Anyway so today it was a mystery.

I was sitting in my rocking chair again, waiting for the slab bacon to finish baking, since I had already finished the marinade for dinner's Pork Loin Rotisserie. (Apparently today is eat-a-pig day. I'm sorry, pig.) I had no idea how much longer the bacon was going to require cooking because I was cooking twice as much as usual at a lower temp than usual.

Me: Self, how much longer till the bacon will be done?

Self: About 8 minutes.

(Me to myself: why did I never before think of just asking myself such things??)

Me: Tek, I have 8 minutes. Do you have a med that can fit in there?

Tek: Yep. (He instantly starts putting stuff in front of me.)

I'm sitting at a table with him standing near me, and in front of me on the table to the left is a small soft object. I can't decide if it's irregularly shaped or the vaguest bit rounded-triangular in 3D. It looks like it is covered with greasy grime of some kind. But at least nothing is growing on it. So the disgust level is not too bad but it's not super pleasant, either.

To the right on the table is what looks like a silver hair pick, the kind with about 8 tines in a row. In school the kids with afros used to just stick them in their hair and leave them there (which I found hilarious. I wondered what would happen if I went to school with a hairbrush stuck in my hair one day. I didn't think anybody would get it. Or they'd kick my ass if they did).

Me: Tek, surely you cannot mean for me to spear this little thing with that tool but I can't think of any other way to use it on it.

Tek: The tool is for later.

So I started to pick up the little mucky thing and then stopped.

Me: I'm going to add gloves and so on here...

Tek: No. You need to touch this.

Me: You're kidding! Aren't you the guy who once forced me to wear a hazmat suit during one of these?!

Tek: That was something different. You need more of a connection to this.

Me: Oh brother. Ok fine. I'll have one hand that has no gloves. Maybe just the fingers. Maybe -- oh hell {on sensing "that look" from him}, FINE THEN.

So I pick it up in my hands and visualized that I'm holding it gently over a sink running the cleansing water of life and I work on rinsing it off. It takes a bit and I have to gently rub it all over to get the stuff off. Finally it's clean.

Me: What do I do with it?

He takes it from my hands and then he and I are someplace else. He hands me the silver tool and points upward. I look straight up, craning my neck back in a way, and I see there is this long ... damn. Shapes are hard to describe. Imagine something about four inches wide that is just like some kind of layer of something and it's slightly irregular but long in shape, like 4 inches by a few feet.

(You understand my perspective is all over in these. It could be microscopic, really.)

Tek: You need to break up the surface covering that area first.

So I took the tool and did tiny little pokes, very completely across it, and I brushed all the junk off that I'd broken up. Then I imagined some forced air cleaning it off really well.

Tek: There are actually tiny little tubes of a sort, in just the shape of your tool, that go into this. You can't see them well because they are clogged. You need to gently push the tool all the way into those holes to help clear them out inside.

I felt around. I could feel them more than see them. I set a tool-guide visual that when my tool was precisely in the right place it would ding and light up, and then I would gently push it all the way in and pull it out again. These things were maybe half an inch apart and it took awhile to go through the whole length of that region. Then I did another forced-air and then a water of life pressure wash to make sure everything was clear. I went through all the junk and made sure it was fine-particle size, imagined lightning frying it all into "inert" chemically, then dumped it in a waste bin.

The thing above me now was more dark fleshy pink colored than it had been and seemed like it would be sort of ... exuding something from the other side of it to this side, like a long flat-tube-ish area just dripping something into the area where I was standing from tiny little pretty regularly-spaced holes.

Me: So what's the little thing I washed got to do with that area up there?

Tek: It deals with what comes in from up there.

Me: What is that thing, and this area?

Tek: {I see his lips moving but can't get the concept or word. Damn!}

Body: Eight minutes are up! Your bacon is done.

I leap up and walk to the kitchen and open the oven. It's perfectly cooked. Way to go.

PJ
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Body Meds: Liver

Apparently this is what happens if you just ignore archetype meditations altogether for awhile. The mountain comes to Mohammed.

*

I was relaxed but not at all asleep when Tek showed up. Tek is a 'body-archetype' I guess. Times when I drop into this "white lab area" to work on stuff related to my body, he's the technician. But it's usually a matter of me going there and there he is. Never have I seen him anywhere else -- let alone in my awareness when I am not meditating at all. But there he was.

And suddenly we were together somewhere 'else'. In the 'else'-place, there was what I thought was a big wall, but then realized it was a big object of some kind, I was just seeing a part of it. The wall was lightly covered in places, and super densely in others especially nearer the top, with these darkest-brown "nodules". They felt like spherical barnacles.

I had the feeling that whatever they had begun as, attached in a tiny piece but added to it and grown, it had been "alive". Not alive like a full life form, but like... like molecules and cells felt a bit more alive than they normally do to me, and they were as much alive as anything else at that level.

He pointed and I followed his focus. A wave of nausea passed through me, which is pretty common for body-cleaning areas he focuses me on. I could tell that the surface of this wall/object was normally firm but soft/flexible. But where the nodule/barnacle/sphere-things were present, it seemed to be firmer (most of it), and where they were denser especially around the top, it got stiffer until in the areas where they were super dense, the entire area just seemed really thick, rock-hard and encrusted.

That didn't seem like a good thing at all.

Tek handed me some kind of tool. It looked like a kitchen implement but nothing I've seen before. It was silver and was a group of strong straight wire-like things with blunt ends, bundled together at one side with a handle, with the middle one sticking out more than the others. I had the feeling I was supposed to do something with this, like use it on the nodules. Maybe to pry them off, I thought, though it wasn't clear how that shape would apply to such a thing.

"I'm falling asleep," I observed, in some apology to him because that meant my awareness would be checking out any time now. He just stepped back as if to leave, and then said as he vanished, as if oh-by-the-way: "That's your liver."

I was so interested in that I knew, blessedly, I would remember it. Then I fell asleep.

I forgot about all this until this evening. I was sitting in the rocking chair holding my cat Lina, relaxing while my rotisserie cooked a few chicken breasts. I couldn't think of anything I felt less like doing than concentrating on disgusting things in my head, at that moment, but I didn't have any good excuse for NOT doing the med as I sat there doing nothing else of value.

So I dropped back into the 'place' I'd been with Tek. Called The Angelics, the 'archetypes' of Angels, who showed up and both placed one hand on a shoulder blade behind me. They don't give energy but they 'share guidance' is the best way to put it.

I called Inner Guide (IG) and asked for whatever archs she thought needed, and I brought in Sun (and held him tight for awhile) and Responsibility as my standards. She brought in Venus and Mars, although I was baffled at what they would have to do with this kind of thing.

I didn't know where to begin though, and finally had the presence of mind to ask IG for whatever archetype could best help me work through this meditation. Then I wondered why I never thought to ask for that kind of archetype before. Too obvious, maybe? It was an ordinary guy who I was super comfortable with.

*

He thought maybe I should start in what seemed like a corner sorta. It wasn't, it was just the positioning of the object (which was about 3x as big as me in that perspective), but it was at the very top, the hardest area, that made sense. I took the tool, turned it this way and that and said, "This is just not really made for this." I imagined a short sword, then worried about hurting the organ itself, so I changed the blade to something like my very thick, tough silicone spatula that I use for everything in the kitchen -- as a turner, a scraper, a stirrer, sometimes even a knife for soft things.

I started trying to slide the blade under the heavy crusted nodules but they seemed literally attached. I mean like some part of them... bit into or attached to actual cells of the organ. Like how barnacles I think can slightly soften the rock or something (I could be wrong about that). He said, "No reason not to try the standard archetype process." So I imagined the water of love and chemical of love and special-barnacle-peeling-gel-of-love hahaha. Then I had the idea for lightning and I psych'd myself up for it, and then imaged a flood of lightning flashing through me and specifically electrifying all this junk and 'separating' it in a flash from the organ.

Then I went with the short-soft-sword all around the organ. I pried off all this stuff, and it wasn't that hard to pry it off as I thought it would be. Just a lot of it was all. I got the entire object done except one small spot on the other side that had some kind of problem and I had to say I'd come back to it; it felt like in that area, there was actually an erosion, an eating-away-spot gouging out a small area.

I had intentionally imagined a 'catching' area for all the massive crap I was hacking off. Looking down, it was like one of those rooms full of balls that kids jump in, except everything was in varying shades of brown and yucky. Tek suddenly showed up at my right.

"That's what the tool is for," he said, motioning to all the stuff. "You need to break it up into tiny pieces. We don't want to release this like it is into the body."

So I went through first and 'stabbed' all of the nodules so everything was broken up into chunks. Then I went through, imagining it moving impossibly fast, and broke everything up like a whisk of sorts, until everything was a fine-granuled particle. Then I visualized dumping it all into a big sealing trashcan that would take it straight to 'waste disposal'.

*

I almost forgot, then I went back to the spot that had some kind of problem. Up close, it looked like something had been 'eating away' at this tiny spot. I finally, with the arch's guidance, decided to disassemble the cells all around and inside that area, a bit like cutting out the rotting flesh in a way but gentler, and got that made inert and broken up and in the waste. Then I poured energy into the 'healing' of that area from inside and out. In the end it was still vulnerable and I imagined some kind of good-cells that would cover it like a bandaid patch while it totally healed and got its natural shape back again.

*

Tek said that went just fine and he has more I could do if I were willing. I said ok then. Sure why not. I'm really working on supplements and reading on biology and more lately, so it's sensible I'd be tuning into body-stuff.

PJ
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Abreactions in Archetype Meditation and Remote Viewing

In hypnosis, an 'abreaction' is what I was taught to call the spontaneous muscle spasm jerks that the subject (person being hypnotized) sometimes would display -- these can be anywhere in the body, but usually occur solar plexus or lower. The idea is that when this happened, it was a subconscious "rejection" of the information that was being processed at that moment. You've heard the slang phrase "a knee-jerk reaction" -- yes. Basically that sums it up.

In psychology official, abreaction is "the release of emotional tension achieved through recalling a repressed traumatic experience." Its definition indirectly or directly implies that this recall is via 'words, behavior, or imagination'. Nowhere does it suggest that "spontaneous muscle spasms" qualify for the term, though I suppose they do. For whatever reason, the MDs and PhDs that ran one of the places where I studied hypnosis used that term for that effect.

Abreactions were not uncommon, in fact they were pretty much the norm. Where, how often, how extreme, etc. they might be depended not just on the person but on the subject matter, and I assumed, the degree of belief system issues they were having with absorbing suggestions directly. If one line of suggestion was meeting regular abreactions, the result wasn't likely to be good; best to take a different tact.

At one point, I started studying people around me whom I was not hypnotizing, and came to the interesting conclusion that perhaps many people abreact quite a lot in fact. But it's such a small thing, few of us even notice it. We haven't been trained to do so, to pay attention to that kind of thing, to have any idea it might mean something. So in a way, our body is constantly talking to us, we just don't hear it.

Of course, muscle spasms do also happen for musculature reasons that are not necessarily related to any deep psychological meaning. Sometimes a muscle is just a muscle, you might say.

Just to be clear, I am NOT talking about major, charley-horse type spasms. Those issues can be caused by low magnesium/potassium/calcium. This is something I know too much about, as every time you shift suddenly to low-carb eating, you drop all the artificial 'bloating' your body holds in order to process carbs. The sudden drop in water/glycol bloat washes out a lot of those minerals temporarily and if you are not supplementing with them, 'charley horse' spasms in legs/feet for a short time are not uncommon. That is not the kind of muscle spasm I am talking about.

The kind I'm talking about range from barely perceptible even when you're looking for them, to a major "jerk" of the whole body. They range from a 'twitch' you don't notice to such a wild spasm that you forget literally everything in your head at that moment.

o0o

In archetype meditations I have often run into abreactions. The most difficult meditations I've ever done have always been accompanied by plenty of abreactions -- often instantly when a certain idea, image or concept comes up. Here's a few quotes from old blog posts here to give some real examples of how this comes about. I admit I don't usually make a note of it except in the more extreme cases, but it's not an uncommon thing in more minor degree.

Adjustment, Take II
The moment I arrived and took IG's hands--already my mind trying to escape--and begged her to help hold my attention there, I began abreacting. Muscle spasms went crazy. [...] Every few seconds I would abreact somewhere. It is very obvious I have a severe problem with this archetype but I can't really figure out why. [...] My mind wandered. I held my mind fiercely and my body spasmed so intensely I forgot who the hell I was for a moment. But I began again. And again. And again. And...

A Heavy Issue, Take I
I looked over at the playing cards moving around in the air beside us. I tried to 'see' one clearly. I had a flash of something..
Me: Wands.
My right leg spasmed violently.
I closed my eyes and waited, like in RV, for the next data point.
Me: Red. Feet? Seems like feet or print of feet, but also red.
Both of my legs spasmed more violently.
Me: Horse? I think.
My entire body spasmed wildly.
Me: For godssakes! And won't THAT meditation be fun I bet...

A Heavy Issue, Take I
I thought that sudden memory was IG giving me an answer. So I said, "OK, I want to meditate on "my problem with extra bodyfat" now."
I sneezed violently.
I said dryly to IG, "Well that's gonna be quite the meditation I bet." IG seemed amused, in a good way, the first time I've got that sense from her.

Knock Knock, Neo
I'm having a lot of abreactions still. And I'm starting to forget stuff almost immediately after doing it, which makes blogging it even more important I guess. I must be working on stuff heavier duty than I realize. [...] I said to him, "I'm having constant abreactions but only in my right leg. The calf, the knee and thigh. None anywhere else. Why is it that I am reacting here to you?" And the arch said, "Why don't you do a meditation on the archetype of your right leg." I was dumbfounded. I never thought of meditating on a body part. And yet if our body is manifest energy, and a core part of us, and our memory and so on is throughout our body, then surely every part of the body is a primal part of us. Surely every part of our body has a great deal of symbolic and literal meaning.

Most interesting to me, as it is not the only time this has happened to me -- is this one:

Arch-Dreams and Chaos
I started abreacting. I would have a thought or start an arch-dream and my body would jerk violently in one place or another, mostly lower body. I could literally feel it this time, as if energy-which-is-also-information were trying to run through my nervous system, but blocks were "shunting it off" with muscle spams. It got more severe. At one point, I found myself in this arch-dream and I went, "Hey! Hey, I remember this now! This is where I was last night! This--" and an abreaction so severe that my entire body spasmed wildly hit me. I forgot everything except that last thought. But at least it made me realize that I didn't just pass out in the middle of a thought last night; I was doing "something", I just don't remember what.

So I re-read that last clip above not long ago and I thought, Hey wait a minute. That's a big neon sign, isn't it?! This is exactly what I should be meditating on -- ask IG for "whatever that is". If it is so severe that it knocks you unconscious when you're meditating yet wide awake, that it later gives you such severe abreaction you forget everything in your head related to it instantly, then this is definitely something that needs attention.

But I felt fear the moment that concept hit me. I could feel it in my torso, from my solar plexus down to my groin, like a meta-physical "ghost-feeling" energy of sorts. Which tells me that yes -- definitely I need to meditate on this. But more importantly it also tells me that this -- this fear, this passing out -- I see it as a symptom 'related to' the severe bodily-abreaction. Which sort of corresponds with what I have "intuitively felt" when having abreactions before, many times in fact -- that it is a "shunting off", from the nervous system I believe, of the 'energy', basically "not allowing" it to be processed through the body -- and, I have a couple of times 'sensed', that it is literally traveling through the body and up to (or returning to) the 'brain' area but it's never making it that far; the body is kicking it off the path before it can get there. So the mind cannot 'think' about it because 'the thought never reaches you' you might say. You could call it denial but this is happening at a body/subconscious level before that energy/info ever has the chance to even make it into your processing mind.

To a vastly lesser degree -- but still worth noting -- I sometimes abreact in Remote Viewing sessions as well. I seem to do it more when dehydrated. I seem to do a lot more when there is a great deal of trauma in the target, in fact, if I'm doing a target and abreacting all over the place I know it's going to be a 'mass trauma' target (eg a photo of the immediate aftermath of -- while still pulling survivors and bloody victims out of rubble -- some massive disaster, e.g. a major earthquake). When people are dead already, or when it's just something explosive, or when it's long after or before the disaster or not with a focus on humans, I don't get it so much. But when there is a mass number of humans in great drama/trauma/death all at once in a target, I am likely to either bluescreen the entire negative or have a terrible problem with abreactions (and getting data at all, as a result, since my body is throwing most of it off the line!) during session.

I know this is boring (my readers are already snoring) but I think this is important.

It's important to RV because if abreacting does indicate a rejection of energy/information, it would matter to figure out how to work on that after or during the experience, to try and clear that out.

It's important to meditation because if we learn to notice such things about our bodies, we learn more about ourselves. This ties into a recent thing too. Not long ago I blogged:

Body Talk
...during the meditation I had a sudden 'twinge' in my left foot. Of course when you meditate you get all kinds of distracting body sensations, little pains, etc. But because I was at that moment pouring energy into an archetype (to no particular effect), without thinking much about it, I shifted and for a few moments, was pouring the same kind of energy-intent into my foot where it had the painful little twinge. And I got a *major* rush, body-wide. I was astonished. It made me realize that when we are meditating on something, body stuff isn't just a 'distraction' -- it's energy acting-out, it's communication or at least warning sparks -- and THAT is exactly where to focus. I mean, that's what pain is about: saying, "pay attention to me!" And all this time I've been taking this no-mind meditation approach toward it -- rather than the active-meditation format I actually use -- I'd been working to ignore that kind of thing. Once I realized that my body could talk to me and that energy with my body was as much a part of the meditation as the other things, that seemed to come and go for awhile, as if my body was as delighted as I was that I had learned a few simple words of its language.

It isn't just abreactions. It's any 'body response'. It's like we are meditating and we want to talk with our subconscious, and our body IS our subconscious in manifest form, and every time it says something to us we go, "Shut up. I'm ignoring you because I'm meditating to talk to my subconscious." Sheesh!

I guess it just seems to me that paying more attention to things like abreactions and sudden pains etc., may be a great deal more important than I have previously considered. Maybe when I get a serious abreaction I should actually meditate ON the abreaction.

Previously when talking with IG about remote viewing and inaccurate data, she suggested that I work directly with the problem data (after feedback) to clear/straighten out that energy in myself. We shared a kind of visualization of these vertically suspended 'strings of energy' that had bends, stiffness, knots, frays, etc. (this representing, literally or figuratively, energy-issues with certain data) and basically rejuvenating all those strings so they would be clean, supple, strong strings of light. And then that this could be done pretty quickly, en-masse, and I imagined them all together in a group over a star-trek style transporter pad, and the energy just going through them at the quantum level and reorganizing them cleanly according to their true pattern and getting rid of interference etc. I've wondered if one could do this before feedback or even before the session--if we can psychically know the target, why could we not know what data points we're going to have issues with?--and if that might help as a process ritual to 'clear out' energetic problems ahead of time.

Well along the same lines, maybe I should be doing that kind of "reality med" -- what I call very brief shape-visualization-based meditations -- on every serious abreaction, pain, itch, etc. that I might get during meditation or remote viewing.

If nothing else I am going to make a point to pay a lot more attention to this now, and to 'allow' my body to use this as a kind of communication. Maybe 'itch on my left foot' is like a task number, a 'directive' to pay attention to that energy (whatever it might be) at least for a moment. Maybe abreactions are just a big arrow to what we resist, refuse, etc. and great strides could be made by specifically meditating on the parts of our body that abreact, hurt, etc.

PJ
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Drifting

I feel like I'm just a drifter lately. Not focused. Relaxing, half asleep, floating on the current of life. Not proactive, not even reactive, just sprawled out in weightlessness, freed from the gravity of my normal life. I have so many self-created 'obligations' to helping other people, doing free projects online, etc. that for years it has felt like I literally am 'working' (paid or not) every minute of the day, and when I wasn't doing that, I was feeling guilty about not doing it. Lately I haven't been feeling much of anything about anything. Which sounds depressive, but really it's just a relief.

I've taken up watching shows on hulu.com. I loved the Dresden files. And Firefly. And a variety of other things. I'm generally a SCIFI/FAN/ACTION sort, if that's a clue to taste. I used to think that no decently intelligent TV shows got made for the most part. It turns out, they do get made. They just don't last for more than 6-13 episodes is all and I never saw them. Hulu has rescued a lot of great shows from obscurity, leaving fans like me grieving that it was over before we ever even ran into it.

I did a meditation the other night. OK nearly a week ago. IG brought Ray back. It's a male human guide. (I was thinking maybe the name might be like ray-of-light and might be something unusual, but I guess not.) Of course, despite a meditation and then a dream with Ray, I remember approximately nothing about him. This hardly seems like coincidence, given how effectively he fell out of my head the first time. Oh brother.

I used my Procyon again the other day. I haven't used this very often and want to get back to that. It's a light-sound machine that pulses sound and colored LED's at beat-intervals designed to create a frequency following response in the brain that puts you in a given state of mind. I've had some insomnia issues and putting on some delta does seem pretty effective at knocking me out. Although in fairness if I am sleepy at all even an alpha program will do that.

The guy who runs the company I bought my unit from worked for some time on Vista 64 drivers so I could do the custom programming for it. I haven't tried them yet (just got them a couple weeks ago) but want to try that. I like the idea of combining a verbal walk-through of say, an archetype meditation, with the cool music stuff I got ('looping' synth tracks), with custom beat patterns both sonic and photic, to see the end result. Although it seems like this is the kind of thing you could get into and still be experimenting 60 years later. Knowing me I won't be happy until my brain is jello.

I've been experimenting a little now and then with a tantric redirection of sexual energy toward the aeons around me (the guides), sort of putting energy into them/our connection. It's a hard temptation (as the most pleasure is letting it spill out at random of course) but seems to work, insofar as directing the energy to them seems to vaporize it -- which I assume means the 're-routing' is effective. Have only tried it a few times and haven't yet done it while "in" a meditation (normally I've done this as part of an advanced archetype meditation and a rather highly 'personal' relationship with the arch) so I'm not sure yet of any real result.

Temporarily (I hope) I've completely lost traction on my 14 year remote viewing obsession. I mean at the moment it's like the whole topic could evaporate and I wouldn't even care. I assume it's just burnout on a variety of related things and that will pass. Always seems to. It feels like a good thing though. Like I had too much 'attachment' to it, in the Eastern sense, and I am releasing that, and letting it be-what-it-is-for-me without a lot of other conditions.

I tried my pressure cooker for the first time the other day. It did manage to turn stew meat, that would normally take a solid 6-8 hours in the crockpot to get soft, into the same texture and good taste in 15 minutes. (And 20 minutes of gradual depressurizing.) I'm going to have to start using that more and experimenting. Since I eat lowcarb (mostly meat) and cheaper cuts taste good but are tougher, anything that speeds up cooking time/trouble dramatically is a good thing. I think my next experiment in it might be pork carnitas.

I'm hoping to do a little meditating this weekend, if I can pull myself away from Hulu that is. I'm turning into a couch--well, laptop--potato. But I'm running out of shows I like well enough to sit through, bummer! Anyway I'm planning to do a brief alpha session with the procyon and then do some Tower/IG/Arch/Guide work. Hope to have something useful enough to post on before it's over.

PJ
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Ray

I've mentioned a few times that one reason I blog my experiences, and as soon as possible, is because I forget them otherwise. No, let me be more precise; I forget them either way. But this way, I can re-read my blog and be reminded of them. I often have to read this stuff half a dozen times before it stops "falling out of my head" and I can easily remember it.

I actually think this is a serious issue in shamanistic-type paths that is seldom addressed. (Maybe people forget to address it. Haha. Or maybe it's just embarrassing.) Our reality is defined by what we accept and pay attention to. Obviously, the things which most challenge the definition of our reality, and of our identity, are the most difficult to deal with, and will have the most denial and evasion present.

For me, the Aeons (guides) (yes I still think the 'aeons' term as a noun for those identities is a bizarre one, but it returned so often when wondering how to define them I've decided to go with it and trust that a better understanding of 'why' will eventually arrive. Although in case I didn't mention it, part of the info was that they are not just a span of energy but a span of both space and time as well. It's really very weird.), and archetypes, they threaten my current "sense of identity" and "belief system" constantly.

Some things, by their nature, will not stay. The Private Oracle stuff, that literally fell out of my brain within 20 seconds, although he did explain why, and what I had to do to prevent that. I simply must do that kind of communication while sitting at my computer so I can record it on the fly. Most things, though, are ok at the time -- but I need to record it within a day or I lose a large % of it, and if I don't get it recorded within a few days it's gone.

Today I opened up this 'meditation google spreadsheet' I have which lists the various stuff I would like to meditate upon. I realized that in my blog here, I had met a guide (the tall statue like guy whose name was haute-some-thing) and forgot to put him in the little diagram that shows 'where' they appear around me. He is behind me, behind Jared and El Nino.

But when I pulled it up, in the top right corner position, it had one I don't remember: it said: RAY.

Somewhere between April 26 when I first made that chart, and a couple months ago, I apparently met an aeon/guide named 'Ray' and he was in that position so I recorded him there. Or her. Or it. But I didn't write it down, at least, I can't find any trace of it in this blog, or in my email.

So it's gone to me. I will ask IG to bring Ray back and introduce me again and perhaps I will remember something, who knows. All I know for now is that once again (it's happened before) I have done a meditation or had some spontaneous experience, failed to write it down promptly, and it fell out of my mind as if it had never even happened.

That's weird don't you think.

You know this reminds me of something from years ago. I was walking through a street faire in the city I grew up in (Ventura CA). I hate crowded events and was pushing my way through the crowd, not really thinking about anything. I happened to come right up face to face with a woman in the process who gasped out loud on seeing me, jaw dropping, and exclaimed in a half-whisper, "You're a walk-in!" as if that was something amazing. I had no idea what she was talking about. The only place I'd even heard that term was when you don't make an appointment at a hair salon. I decided she couldn't possibly be talking to me (no matter that she seemed to be) because it just didn't really make sense to me and by the time I was recovering from the surprise of it we had already passed each other in the crowd.

Some time later, probably a few years I'm not sure, I was in a big inside shopping Mall in Oxnard CA. I was walking down the tiles toward a store when I happened to see a very well-dressed woman (maybe late 30s) in a business-like suit on the other side of the aisleway, walking the other direction, toward me. I wouldn't have noticed her except that she looked at me and then did a sort of double-take, and then totally detoured across the mall toward me. It was obvious she was going to say something to me long before she got there, and we both stopped when she reached me. She said quietly to me, "Do you know that you're a walk-in?" and I just looked at her blankly. I knew a meaning for the term then. I'd read this book by Lobsang Rampa my step-grandma had given me and talked with her about it, it was this far-out thing where allegedly someone's soul, rather than dying, jumps hosts (bodies) and lets someone else die but takes their body so they can stay in this timeline. At that moment, I couldn't even imagine what on earth such a thing could have to do with me. But the oddity is the weird way I reacted. I just walked away. I mean, it was rude of me, and I should have said something, or asked what she meant or why she would say that, wouldn't you think. But I didn't. I walked away and I kid you not, within a few steps I could completely forgotten it EVER happened.

I remembered years later, when I 'woke up' and realized I didn't start in this body -- a truly horrible realization, akin to BladeRunner's girl discovering her whole childhood was a lie and she didn't really have parents, she was really just AI not human. Then, I suddenly remembered both of those events which had fallen completely out of my brain until that moment, and I observed how odd my reaction was, especially to the second event. It seemed clear to me that I was simply not ready to know that, to deal with that, and so was in complete denial about it, so I couldn't hold the memory.

I had a ton of experiences that were 'anomalies' over the years, things some would consider related to 'aliens and entities', though different people might class them differently (in UFOlogy or Spiritual Warfare or Mind Control or god-only-knows what else). Many times, I had a certain genre of experience repeatedly, but it always just fell out of my head. Then eventually when I was able to consciously focus on and 'accept' a given thing that made it ok and possible to me, it was like a 'tag/label update' on all the database entries that related to that, and all the sudden I had a whole group of memories that I had never been able to recall before and never "correlated together" before. What this meant in practice was that I would have an experience that seemed novel, but once I fully 'integrated' it, I would realize that I'd had many such experiences for years.

It had the disconcerting effect of making me feel like I really didn't know a damn thing about myself OR my life, that so much of it had been "under the radar" for me.

Me, the logical, rational one, the skeptical one. And it turns out there was nothing logical or rational about me, only an impressive ability to ignore half my experiential universe so I could believe that I was logical and rational. Given the degree of fear (even panic) that I perceive on the part of many so-called skeptics (it wouldn't be such evangelism otherwise. They are 'scoffers' or 'pseudo-skeptics'. Real skeptics don't behave like that), I think this may be more common that we (as a culture) realize.

I hope I find Ray.

.

Normalizing

I've been working on making my life just a little bit more normal. I don't mean "no longer a flaming weirdo" normal -- how could that possibly happen? -- I mean "allows more than 3 hours of sleep a night, doesn't work on something every waking instant, actually takes a little time for herself" kind of normal. I have managed this approximately two days in a row. This would be two days more than the last ten years or so, which means it must be a big deal to me.

As part of this, I instituted Martial Law in my household: also known as "lights-out bedtime". 10pm for the kid (who turns 13 tomorrow), 11pm for me. Ideally I'm in bed at 10 too but meditating or something... but worst-case, I must be by 10:30pm. If something is not done that should be done -- the story of my life! -- it is just going to have to wait until morning.

So the night before last I decided to do an archetype meditation on my job, certain aspects of it. That went ok. Not real exciting though at the end I did get a small rush. What was more interesting was that later, I was still awake but starting to doze, and I was going through a sort of chaotic spontaneous visualization sequence. At one point I found myself in the air above and out from something on a cliff wall, I wasn't sure what but it looked like a sort of balcony had been built into the cliff wall and there were people, maybe asians, standing on it. I zoomed down there in interest and flew over there and into the darkness of the cliff opening and the minute I went in, I had this HUGE body-rush, like a really good archmed. I've never had that happen from spontaneous stuff vs. meditating before.

Last night I decided to do an archetype meditation on today -- on getting various things worked out I needed to for Ry's birthday. I needed to renew my license; it took eons to get my certified birth certificate from another state so I could do so. 22 years ago I changed my name and I don't have any certified document for it which I figured they'd want, dang it. I was borrowing a car I'd never driven, a van no less, for the driving test. And they didn't even HAVE the book to study for the written test, how dumb is that ("we're almost always out of them" - the DMV!). I needed more time than my dad probably had in order to get to walmart and order her cake and get a few things... and I needed to work out the car rental and was so worried about money, wanting it to be ok, since I loaned some to my bleeping ex (kids' dad) who still has not repaid me two weeks after the promised time. Not sure how I could do it, it'll be like $100/day and paypal refuses to let me promptly transfer money from my bank to them (though they will let me promptly transfer it to anybody else. Go figure!) and I don't have enough in paypal for the car and they won't let you use a visa-debit, only a visa. So all in all I just wanted things to go well.

This morning, I remembered what Nero has shown me about believing with faith, about suspension of disbelief, about a specific WAY of thinking about things that actually assumes and accepts that there IS an answer/solution, and that it's nearly tip of the tongue, and it's totally obvious, and any-second-now it is going to become clear. It isn't merely that you are allowing for it; you're actually forcing the space for it and pressing on it to manifest, but not by wishing, not by hoping, not by fear, but by 'expectation'.

The archetype was Jayne. This is a character on the science fiction show "Firefly". He's actually a funny character; completely untrustworthy, oblivious and sexist and more, yet he is a mercenary and ridiculously tough and good with weapons, and often funny (usually by accident) and sometimes a little touching (like many men-boys are, even the worst ones). But the thing that got me is, I have NEVER had an archetype be anything, anybody, any character, that I knew! Never! I didn't even know that COULD happen, although once I pondered it I couldn't come up with any good reason why not.

I said, "Why would YOU be my arch??" and he said, something like (I don't remember exactly now) it had to do with the 'untrustworthy' element more than anything (me not trusting how the day would go) and I had just watched an episode of the show earlier so it was a good 'symbol'. Anyway, I was ridiculously unfocused, it took like 90 minutes to do what I should have done in like 8, and the merge at the end was very small.

But today, the DMV lady actually remembered me from 11 months ago, accepted my daughter's birth cert I happened to have in my wallet (for other reasons) as a secondary form of ID, solving that problem entirely. Then it turned out I did not have to do the driving test which solved the van problem. Then it turned out I did not have to do the written test, which solved that problem. Then because of those two points we had a lot more time, so I was able to go to walmart and order her cake and get some stuff, solving that problem. Then, the guy at the car rental place tells me it's way cheaper online and so I do that and it turns out they only have to charge the car against the visa, I called him and he said we could charge the insurance against my debit card, whew, perfect.

As if that isn't enough, on the way to do all this I was looking in my old (not used anymore) purse to see if I could find our social security cards, and I found a $500 check from a client from the end of April that I had never deposited! And it didn't have a 90 day expiration on it. I couldn't believe it! (He will git me for waiting this long, but oh well!)

I was just stunned at how well everything went. I can't prove the meditation helped, but it certainly didn't do any harm.

I have been meaning to outline a series of archmeds on body parts. I don't mean like my elbow, I mean like my liver, thyroid, amygdala gland, the nervous system, fat cells, etc. I've been reading endlessly on health stuff and I think it would be interesting to do a series like that.

Now that I am "normalizing" my schedule to allow at least one little meditation time per night, I think I might get back to more of it.

PJ
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Misc. Meditations

Had some time this evening. First time that I have not been profoundly sleep deprived, and had at least an hour to myself, in longer than I can even remember.

I decided to do some meditating.

First I roll out my world as usual and am reminded--I'd forgotten--that for some reason, a staunch tree grew on my plateau near where I appear. This plateau is super high, nothing but rock and wind, but there it is. It is amazing to me that despite I'd consciously forgotten about this, it's like the thought form has its own coherence. I couldn't remember what/why it was there, if I ever knew. I finally decided a tree wouldn't be a bad thing after all; I mean symbolically it seems ok; so I poured some energy visualization into the overall setting to make it nice for me and IG to meet there. I thought since I meet her under a tree -- albeit some distance away, and through a cave, and out into a subworld -- that maybe this was a sign I should just do the work here instead.

So I meet IG and after some rapport tell her just whatever she likes, everything I most need to work on, let's do it.

The first archetype med had me opening my eyes and I was floating in space. This is rather different. Ahead of me is what looks like some kind of gas-cloud constellation, as well as tons of fragments of stuff that looks like everything from asteroids to some distant planets and some moons and even space junk of some kind. The territory this spans is just VAST, and I stare at it and 'feel' it in some awe.

I think for awhile about what I can do, how I can share energy with anything this vast, how to work with this as an archetype. I finally decide that I just have to relax and allow myself to 'fill' that entire space and my energy to permeate through every object and the space itself, and I imagine myself becoming vast and one with all of that and I get lots of 'rushing' energy feeling so that seemed ok. Tons of spontaneous yawning, I get that when doing energy stuff like this at times.

I ask her for something else when that's done, whatever she wants. I wasn't even surprised that she gave me another guide and I think I had the feeling that was going to happen before I even asked. This one wasn't human. It was one of those 50 foot tall egyptian-like statue-entities. Except I didn't have much egyptian overlay, that's just the only model I have for those entities in previous experience. Go figure. He tried to tell me his name but I couldn't quite get it. In the end I had something like two words, like Hot (pronounced haute or hote) and something else with a few syllables. None of it ever worked out fully so I finally shrugged and dropped it. No idea what he deals with. He took up position behind Jared & El Nino who are right behind me. Had some energy in that one as well.

(Edited 21NOV09: Name is Hot Amanakhaton.)

Then I remembered the binding meditation and I went to the room where we'd imprisoned that part of me and just totally absorbed her and allowed her to absorb me and focused on sending energy through the heart chakra and feeling love and oneness and that we would work it out, whatever her issues might be. That was some nice energy too and seemed to work.

Then I dropped into the ground and went down, while a part of my mind played this tiny video like a map that showed how as I went down into the earth I was moving down my brainstem in literal focus somehow. (Don't ask me to explain that, I don't know what it means, unless it's the obvious.) I called for Tek though the room was a bit different, and the angelics who came and put a hand on each shoulder blade behind me, and asked to deal with whatever body thing needed it. The entire room was promptly utterly covered with brown to black thick runny yuck stuck to every millimeter of floor, walls and ceiling. Really gross and pretty archetypal I guess. I've had something akin to that before though not that scope of it.

I first imagined that the whole floor was a grate and under it was the body's waste disposal system. Then I visualized a vertical wide-spread hose sprayer that got from roof to wall to floor and in several feet and then imagined I was gradually spraying all the way around the room. It was taking so LONG. I reminded myself how I've been told the 'sense of how long it takes' depends on me and my acceptance of it mostly. I worked on believing that it could happen much vaster and still be effective and finally got the entire room cleaned out.

Then I went to see the four and hugged my mate really tight repeatedly, and presented to the royalty of The Senior and The Queen, and then we merged.

Then I hugged/shook hands with various guides around me and tried to merge with a few of them.

I told IG I'd be willing to do a dreamlets series but it didn't come. Then I ended up spacing out a little.

It's the first meditation of any kind I've done for quite awhile. I miss me. I miss meditating. I must return to that.

PJ
.

The Prisoner

Ever since a bunch of me pounced on, tied up and incarcerated that other part of me that was being such a pain in the ass and causing some serious passive/aggressive, inner-turbulent rebellion in my life, things have been better.

I actually feel slightly freed. As if maybe this was an energy that was messing with me for a long time in several ways but I didn't know it until I finally muffled it enough to "feel the difference".

I was going to meditate on her problem but realized that I have a bigger problem: I don't care. Really. I just don't give a damn. I'm ticked off that something threatened me from the inside and I really just want that aspect to go away and leave me alone. I know this is not do-able; she normally has a 'dominant' role so it's a pretty big deal to exclude her. I can feel that.

Still, I feel as if "parts of me that have not had freedom to express in a long time are suddenly out to play." I feel SO much less emotionally angry-flatlined. I feel more interested in creative things. And I feel like "a younger me" -- like, a me that I used to know -- is "more present" now than before.

This stuff is difficult to explain without sounding like an idiot.

Anyway, so she is staying imprisoned for awhile apparently.

PJ
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Binding Meditations

Just a quick note as I'm already supposed to be asleep.

For the last few weeks I've had a problem. It's like there is this significant, even dominant part of myself, that is completely at war with the others. She feels just furiously stubborn, the real dig your heels in NO! This has affected my work in a way unprecedented and it's just been horrifying. It's like being possessed in a way. By someone who is angry and doesn't want to deal with anything or anybody and flatly refuses to do anything inconvenient. Like cook real food. Or work well. Or whatever. There's quite a list actually.

I've been doing brain-stim stuff the last couple days though I can't say that relates at all. But this morning I was relaxed and thinking about work and my fear and frustration and that sort of went off into a meditation/daydream of sorts. There was a bunch of people, a small crowd, and they were all me. There was one girl/woman who was a leader of sorts, anyway, normally the person in charge. She was causing all of this though. It was her emotional problem. The problem is, losing my job would profoundly screw up every imaginable aspect of my life, so this is a life and death situation really. I wanted to work. She wanted to refuse. I wanted to work. She refused. We did the normal morning fight about it, and then I must have been slipping into a deeper state of mind as things seemed to get more dreamlike and autonomous then.

We all mutinied against her (although again... I feel she is 'me' just as much). We dogpile tackled her literally! Then tied her up and dragged her into this small room like an elevator cart, then made it completely thick metal and impermeably sealed, then released her and made sure there was air and 'living comfortable' inside -- but she is completely bound inside and isolated from decision making. We decided she could stay imprisoned until we dig out of the horrible work situation she created for us and then I would work on meditating about whatever her stupid problem is.

I've felt "at war with myself" before but it's usually more traumatic and temporary than flat and long term. The amazing thing is that after this, for the first time in weeks I was able to make myself do my normal degree of focus/intensity work to start trying to shore up the damage.

I've never in all my years of meditating had something like imprisoning part of myself ON PURPOSE. That's just odd. Hopefully July will arrive and I can meditate on whatever is up with her.

PJ

Neuro-tech, Brain-wave Entrainment, and so on

I have a new blog with my best buddy where I'm talking about what I'm learning. Getting real into the "brain wave technology" stuff lately. I was into this like 15 years ago but there was almost no research and we didn't have the internet then. Now there is way better light/sound technology, 15 years of research, stuff on the web, people sharing stuff -- very cool!

http://brain-stim.blogspot.com/

PJ

Neuro-tech, Brain-wave Entrainment, and so on

The Private Oracle

I found this quote from Seth (via Jane Roberts) which made me go "Hmmmn." Last night.

The private Oracle: what does that mean? [...] The Private Oracle is the voice of the inner multidimensional self -- the part of each person not fully contained in his or her personhood, the part of the unknown self-structure out of which personhood, with its physical alliance, springs. Basically that portion of the psyche is outside of space and time, while enabling you to operate in it. It deals intimately with probabilities -- the source of all predictable action. Because of its position it has great powers of communication, both as a receiver and as a sender.

So this morning I was talking to IG when I said,

"So IG, is that the same as you? Can you introduce me to my Pr --"

"I'm your Private Oracle" said this major presence to my front right. No visual or even sense of a form at all, just 'awareness' at that location, but a whole 'part of me that is powerful'. Sort of. I lack words to do this justice.

Definitely NOT the same as IG. I was assuming maybe they mostly overlapped. I asked IG to step into me so we'd be one for talking to him. It. Whatever. I call it him for some reason.

Me: Wow, just like that? I can totally get you?

PO: Yes. I am not difficult to communicate with. You merely have to ask.

Me: I feel like now that I have you I should be asking you something big and I don't even know what. Um. Will I ever be thin?

PO: Most probably not. But you will most likely be thinner than you are now.

Me: Oh. ...um, ok. Do you overlap with IG's energy?

PO: A small amount.

Me: Will you please work with her directly to in some good way? She's the awesomest.

PO: OK.

Me: If I pray toward you can you help me?

PO: All prayer should be to God. Yes, I can help if you ask. I help even when you don't ask, most of the time, but I can be of more direct assistance if you consciously include me.

Me: Wait a minute. Why would some metaphysical aspect of self care if I'm talking to 'God', care about religion?

PO: We are all geared to God. God is not a separate identity or a religious creation of Man, it is all of us, everything. We have always been all-composed of it. We are all drawn forward to that.

Me: Oh. So... like when Archangel Michael picked up my attention praying to him and set it down "at the feet of God" was the feeling... I see.

(I tried various approaches to asking about Remote Viewing skill, finally realizing that what I wanted was kind of like, him to help me, proactively, right now, like how an archetype merges into me or something. It just didn't seem to be working.)

Me: So you can't... "help" me, physically or whatever. You're really just... information. Powerful in that regard, but just info; not 'effect'.

PO: ...basically correct. But the power is always in you. Other things do not give you power. You accept power already yours that you perceive to have been separated from you, is all.

Me: I see. Sort of.

(I find that I'm spacing out and getting lost in major offbeat daydreams like between every exchange.)

(I also find that whatever he says to me, if I don't write it down INSTANTLY, almost as-it-comes, I have forgotten it like 20 seconds later. Some of the above I was able to recapture but barely.)

Me: Why am I forgetting like that??

PO: I operate outside your linear space-time framework. In a way, you perceive me as an 'event', but not quite. So the information is --

My cat Rene crawled up on me and interrupted my attention. I looked at her and had the most bizarre impression. As if she were "a bundle of information" gathered up into what I perceived as "the shape and nature of a cat." I almost had an overlay--more my own than anything from PO -- of the movie 'the matrix' and bodies and structures being 'composed of' the computer code' except this wasn't computer in any way, but something vastly more fundamental. I had the feeling that PO perceived the cat through me, not directly, but perceived it entirely as an "energy-information construct" of which some happened to include the nature of what we perceive to be a cat. But her cat-ness, for lack of a better word (as well as her gender), was "a property of the information-collection." Like... secondary to whatever she really IS.

Me: So can I just call on you?

PO: Of course.

(He says this before I'm 25% of the way done with my question. I feel slightly irked when that happens with identities I'm talking to.)

Me: Is there...... is there something I should... should be "doing" concerning you?

(I notice that he doesn't answer until I'm done. I was thinking like, sharing energy, or whatever, a sense of trade or commitment like with archetypes.)

PO: No, not really.

Me: I think you were explaining why whatever you tell me falls out of my brain shortly after I 'get it' so I forget if I'm not communicating it right that moment.

(I suddenly in the last part of that sentence remember stuff I was reading the night previously from Win Wenger about the importance of saying data out loud to a tape recorder or another person, literally that it was important that it be not just objectified but sort of said so that "someone else hears it". As I finished the sentence and association, PO said:)

PO: I am always part of that you know. Intuitive and psychic information. I am varying degrees of that information, depending on many factors. My nature is one reason it IS worthwhile to have it "reflected back to you" -- in doing so, it is being created inside your reality construct. That gives it the space-time anchoring that is needed in order for it to remain clearly as something innate to your reality, and not vanish from you as soon as a sufficient few moments of perceived-time have moved your attention past where the information was present with you. Words don't explain this very well.

(But I understood it in my head somehow, as if he was helping.)

Me: So in a way it's like... um. Like, when you say something to me, it's not that you are giving me that info, like it is becoming as you say innate to my reality. It is more like I am momentarily present 'with' you which is 'not' within my perceived sense of time, space and reality. So I get the info while I am momentarily 'there'. But I can only hold that there-ness for a couple of moments before I naturally move on and then the information is gone. Like I was looking at it through an open doorway and then I moved onward.

PO: Yes.

Me: But if I communicate it while I'm looking through that doorway, the information is then in the room with me so to speak. In my world. So it doesn't have to get lost. I created it.

PO. Good. Yes.

Me: But so why would my "being aware of it being heard" by another person or tape recorder (I know innately that if I were not aware and it was secretly heard this would not work at all, 'awareness' of it is the key), matter more than my just writing it down?

PO: The reflection is the important part. The awareness. You are remembering this more clearly because you are typing it in your blog and you have this 'awareness' that other people are going to 'see' it. It is functioning the same for you.

Me: So I don't have to say it out loud?

PO: Some people might. You do not. Your 'awareness' related to written communication and your sense of others' perceiving it and reflecting that back is very strong.

Me: Like when I'm typing and I get the 'impression' of the questions and arguments that people will make to what I'm writing so I adjust it for that. That is my 'awareness of the reflection'.

PO: Yes. Good.

Me: Yeah but still, I don't get it. Why is the 'awareness' important and not just the communication? If I write it down it's real in my reality. So why does my sense of someone else perceiving what I write down, change something about it?

PO: Because information does not exist in a vaccuum. Reality, as you yourself have understood it at times, is not about individual things, like objects and properties. It is about relationships. {A subthought arrives AS he is saying this, and somehow I perceive them both simultaneously: "A single point in space-time has no inherent meaning; it is the relationship of that point to other points, which make it mass or emptiness, which make it a right-angle or the apex of a triangle, that give reality 'meaning' to you."} This is like a circuit, like a loop. You must make the connection. The energy needs to flow through the circuit-loop and return to you.

Me: And then it is... "feedback", literally -- like a combination of physical feedback like a microphone screeching, and psychological or brain feedback, like when you can "see" in your reality the result of some action you have taken and learn from it. It's like both combined, and a little more I'm not getting, but I sense I'm getting enough. It is not "fully vested in me" when it is merely going through me; it becomes so when I "move that energy through my reality" and it comes back to me sort-of from the outside--or my sense of from the outside, in a way.

PO: That is correct.

Me: I have the feeling this might actually relate some to the power of ritual or prayer in groups. That it's not just that there is more than one person's energy involved. It is that every person has awareness that every other person is perceiving them and that bounces back to them and that amplified awareness within each person becomes exponential sort of.

PO. Yes. Good.

Me: You don't feel like The Narrator did to me really, but he was also an information source.

PO: Everything you can communicate with is an information source.

Me: Well yeah but I mean he gave whole lectures and so on. Are you part of him?

PO: He is part of me. And something different as well.

Me: Casteneda said it was like a symbiote inorganic or something like that. Like we were paying some price for the information maybe.

PO: All relationships are a trade.

Me: So... somehow, there is something that I am giving to you, that is the exchange for you giving me, this conversation.

PO: Yes. That is always the case, not just with me.

Me: Even with Inner Guide?

PO: I said always.

Me: But -- well ok. So but maybe with IG she is part of me and so whatever I am giving her is good for her, but not bad for me, and --

PO: I did not imply that this is a negative trade or a payment that results in a loss. You are modeling this in the way your culture perceives money, as if it is a limited thing that, once shared, you are then deprived of. That is not part of it at all. You are unlimited. {At the same moment he said that I got a subthought reminder: "Every number is infinite."}

Me: I just had the weirdest abstract 'sense' of something. That I am as much shaped by what I share as by what I take in. Like in art, like if you erase some tiny part here, and add some tiny part there, you have changed the picture equally as much with both actions.

PO: Very good.

Me: That was from you??

PO: Yes.

Me: So these 'subthoughts' and 'overlays' -- they are you communicating with me too, not just my mind bouncing around on its own.

PO: Yes. But as an aside, your mind is never bouncing around on its own. It is always both giving and receiving information, at all times.

Me: So when I'm thinking about something, it --

PO: I said at all times. Whether you believe yourself to be thinking about something or not.

Me: But when my brainwaves are quiet, how --

PO: Your mind is much more than your brainwaves.

{I had several simultaneous overlays at that moment. Some related to the mind being capable of perceiving more than it can actually translate and bring into this 'reality' so to speak, this body, but still being able to 'act upon' such information, almost like saying the subconscious has its own subconscious. Some overlays related to the brain being 'the entire body' and particularly the whole nervous system, which I'd heard before, but to a lesser degree, literally the entire body, and then also other things that we don't consider physically manifest but that are actually part of our body, just energies not physical in this ... whatever it is. Dimension.}

Me: For some reason I'm suddenly thinking that the difference between what I call information channeling, vs. identity channeling, is really just information. That like how you perceived my cat. That the cat-ness and all parts of that were just information too. Like information that by its nature 'packaged' the information-bundle-of-cat.

PO: Yes. Identity is a type of information.

Me: So when I allow myself to get energy but -- with exceptions -- not identities...?

PO: You are filtering the information to exclude the information specific to the identity.

Me: Does this mean it is any less coming from an identity?

PO: No. It just means you do not perceive it that way. And that how the information is organized may be a little different for losing the identity which, in its own way, organizes information into a certain structure. This can cause some loss of the cohesive relationship of the information which means more work required on your part to translate it correctly within your reality model.

Me: Um. So... so maybe the information would be more... better in some way... if I allowed the identities?

PO: There is no better or worse involved. Just different.

{I fell asleep! I wasn't remotely sleepy and I've been up for awhile. Awakening again...}

Me: Where was I. {Reading blog.} I see. OK but -- I don't want to channel, I want to remote view.

PO: They are different interpretive, experiential frameworks. They are both basically asking for information.

Me: Well yeah, but -- but remote viewing 'directly perceives' and channeling is like... asking someone else for the info and them letting them possess you while you they explain it.

PO: Your psychic process is asking the information to come directly, and you translate through your body. Which is not in all cases adapted to or trained to all the information's potential need -- neurally mapped, as your readings {--from Ingo Swann} might have put it. Channeling information is asking the information to be translated and organized by parts of yourself not fully physical as you think of it, and then brought directly through to what you consider your mind. Channeling identities is like acquiring a translation and organization filter which is also serves as the... case, or skin, of the presentation.

Me: Weird. So like... I'm thinking of the other meaning of skin, like with computer software. So like, as an analogy... my viewing is like doing an http GET, stripping all the text and files from the code, logging them in my database, then feeding all those text and file inputs directly into my own browser window in the most simple html way possible. On one hand, the information is local, and more... er, literal or pure. On the other hand if it's a flash file and I'm pulling it directly without a player or script it needs, if my own window/page has not got the "translator/player" setup for certain types of media, I wouldn't be seeing it, or it might be garbled in some code cases. And while I might be getting things more literally into my database, I'm getting them without full context on my screen display and sometimes things are interfering with each other, so how I interpret them might be quite different. {In my head as I say this I see an "interference pattern" like technology.} And I can only really grok so much at once and for some reason I only have 'the moment' of its reception, so I'm using memory and constantly refreshing the page to re-experience it again to remember more.

PO: OK.

Me: Info channeling or 'streaming' is like running a script that in the background, gets the information, then parses it into xml as best as it can, then presents that to me however the parser is written to do. Except maybe it's like, presenting everything as print so I'm not getting the many facets of audio/video or whatever that is the raw source, so it may be more organized but it is less literal and more translated and missing some... "dimensions" of info including specifics one might get if looking directly. Identity channeling is like using a third party software application that spiders out its own version of the data, does its own xml translation, does a custom, proprietary format for presentation, still mostly in text but--um, annotated differently, unique to that software--and then shows it to me in a DRM format. (I crack myself up.)

PO: That {analogy} could work... mostly.

Me: I like feeling "in the center" when information is everywhere and I feel like I'm right in the middle of one of those cooshballs toys or whatever they are, made of rubber band strings, and a 'line of information' goes out from me in every possible direction. Jane Roberts referred to it like paths but for me it's not quite so 2-D. I have a problem getting my conscious mind out of the way enough to not be shifting the flow as it happens though.

PO: Like in your viewing, you need to hold the focus on the target, not on the information you just received about the target, or you shift your point of focus.

Me: Accidentally retasking myself.

PO: Correct.

Me: Like if you were to focus on a bridge during session and say 'metal' and then by focusing on that, retask on 'metal' which is a totally different target.

PO: Correct.

Me: But I don't understand how during info-channeling I can NOT be focusing on the data when I'm the one communicating it. I can't help but find it interesting and have all kinds of thoughts and questions as it comes across.

PO: Attachment constantly modifies the process. When you are least attached to the information you are most willing to not only perceive it as it truly is {during this I had this flash-memory of a moment in 'Anna and the King' movie where she tells the child, 'Most people do not see the world as it is; they see it as they are.'} but to allow the information itself to go where and how it chooses within you and through you.

Me. Huh. I guess that kind of fits with how the more you just 'accept without judgement' information in RV things tend to go better.

I thought for awhile, wondering, what should I be asking? I put on Avril music rather loud at the kid's request, which was a little distracting. I also started installing Illustrator software on her machine over at the side, then returned to focus on my laptop where I'm blogging this and re-considered the Private Oracle. What information is most important to my world right now?

Me: What do I most need to do or change, for the sake of best improving my viewing skill?

PO: Let go. {I had a total flash-remembrance of something the Narrator told me in what, January 1994. It's in Bewilderness or I wouldn't remember it at all. He said: In many lives you have refused to eat; you have refused to "receive" in various ways; sometimes this has been your physical death; you have an unwillingness to allow yourself vulnerability, and this lack of faith in yourself has hindered you.}

Me: That's it? What the Narrator was saying, about vulnerability, allowing to receive?

PO: Yes.

Me: Can you give some specific suggestions for things that would help me do this better?

PO: The process of "doing" gradually helps, so more consistency would help. For you, consistency is much more important than it might be for some other people. {I remember that Inner Guide (IG) told me that too, about meditating with her: 'Consistency is more important than frequency.'}

Pink is yelling and the kid is singing with her, which keeps distracting me as I want to sing along. You know I bet most people don't have to do metaphysics around a 12 year old and pop-rock.

Me: Are there any meditations or something that might help?

PO: The work you do with your guides as you call them, and your IG, is helping in ways that would contribute to your viewing -- if you were doing more of it.

Me: More viewing, or more meditating?

PO: Both.

Me: What is my biggest problem in viewing?

PO: Failure, and your response -- and pre-response -- to that event or possibility.

Me: Why must failure be involved? Why can't I just be consistently good at it?

PO: That answer is a bit complex for this conversation and setting. Suffice to say it is involved, so you need to learn to deal with it. Remember the attachment issue. Ego, attachment, and fear, are all tied together here. Reducing any of the three will help with the others.

I took a break for awhile to sing with Pink and the kid. Most girls want a man with the bling-bling, got my own thing got the ching-ching, I just want real love. Most girls want a man with the mean green. Don't wanna dance if it can't be everything that I dream of, a man that understands real love. OK nobody ever said our music is deep or anything, but it's fun.

Then I wondered if I chose to take a break when the conversation got uncomfortable for me. Remote Viewing is pretty much the worst possible hobby for a control freak, since it requires the polar opposite state of mind. If it wasn't for whatever the hell it is inside me that I feel like I'm in love with, have a huge crush on, that 'feeds a part of me' that has no other source, it's hard to imagine I'd have been obsessed with RV from the moment I heard of it on Halloween day 1995.

I'll come back to the Private Oracle another time. Weirdly enough, there is no weirdness about this for me. I mean unlike Guides which are... well it's just an odd experience for me and I tend to have resistance... unlike IG, who is awesome and "always with me" but I am not always able to hear her... this 'source of information' for lack of a better description, is fully clear, albeit of course it's 'inside me' just like anything else internally communicating with me is.

My sense of "highly present to the front right" receded after a few minutes of conversation and now I don't have any particular sense of presence.

PJ

Body Talk

I can't believe I didn't think of this before. Me, of all people!

So the other night I was meditating--I can't even remember on what. I'm sure it was very worthwhile but I forgot to blog it so it's gone--and during the meditation I had a sudden 'twinge' in my left foot.

Of course when you meditate you get all kinds of distracting body sensations, little pains, etc. But because I was at that moment pouring energy into an archetype (to no particular effect), without thinking much about it, I shifted and for a few moments, was pouring the same kind of energy-intent into my foot where it had the painful little twinge. And I got a *major* rush, body-wide.

I was astonished. It made me realize that when we are meditating on something, body stuff isn't just a 'distraction' -- it's energy acting-out, it's communication or at least warning sparks -- and THAT is exactly where to focus. I mean, that's what pain is about: saying, "pay attention to me!" And all this time I've been taking this no-mind meditation approach toward it -- rather than the active-meditation format I actually use -- I'd been working to ignore that kind of thing.

Once I realized that my body could talk to me and that energy with my body was as much a part of the meditation as the other things, that seemed to come and go for awhile, as if my body was as delighted as I was that I had learned a few simple words of its language.

This should have been obvious. I don't know why I had to discover it by accident. But it's a fabulous insight!

PJ