Observing Your Focus, and Truth

I have taken up 'observing my focus' for the last several days. I've done this before, and I am noticing the same things now that I have in those times.

* My god. Do I spend THAT much time daydreaming, even while doing other things?

* Must daydreams always involve some element of power, control, violence, ego or other negative? (Even the positives are couched in negative situations.)

* Why does my biochemistry crave the daydream elements like a drug?

* Is there no end to the amount of totally retarded crap that runs through my head that has no purpose whatsoever, like some mental flotsam from immediate experience?

* Why does spontaneous experience (e.g. while driving down the road) invariably present some negative situational daydream?

* Why is it so difficult to maintain 'awareness' so these thought processes can be observed and altered more often and sooner?

So when I realize I have a thought process which is, shall we say, "unproductive", I imagine the energy of it splitting, so any 'manifestation-level' energy pulls off then is super-granulated and cleansed, then it is free to be used elsewhere. Then I imagine that I (via Will) cleanse and upgrade and brighten the energy composing all the rest of it. And then it's ok to re-absorb it, via my solar plexus.

The problem with 'awareness' is that if I 'get aware' spontaneously about 20 times, I usually have to do the whole release, cleanse, upgrade process 19-20 times. In other words, my head when I am not consciously focused on something, is nearly always filled with 'unproductive' activity. It's ridiculous.

How much different might my life be if more of my focus was on the positive?

I happen to have a quote from an old journal about this, since it is included in Bewilderness:

[Dec 1993] Well since I read that Seth book I've been thinking about the stuff he said. I'm watching my thoughts, and every time I come upon some subject or thought that is limited, or limiting, that defines a 'reality' for no apparent reason, that is based on the past or nothing else, I tell myself that it will disintegrate. It seemed appropriate, psychologically.

Problem is, I'm having to do this 400 times a day!! It seems like every single thought I have falls into this category. I can't believe how much my thoughts limit, and enclose, my life, my sense of reality... I can hardly believe it, but it seems everything my mind is based upon is some arbitrary judgement... I'm thinking, geez, where did all these judgements come from? I realize that I am making a decision about how things "have" to be, based upon no supporting data whatsoever. It's amazing!

All this time I thought I had everything figured out pretty well in life, I was intelligent, I was innovative. Now I see that even my wildest thoughts and most creative modalities were just well-kept paths through pre-existing gardens... designed by someone, who knows who, but it wasn't me.

Yeah, that.

The more I got my awareness under control the more I became 'responsible' for 'what my head was doing'. I got more and more focused on 'truth' as some actual THING that I could feel "in the middle of me", through me, as if it were part of the Superstring-of-Me that seems to go from center of Earth to center of Galaxy and pass right through the absolute laser-center of my crown to kundalini in the middle.

The primary side-effect of all this, as I recall, was what I called "instant karma." It felt like as I got closer and closer to truth, I began to understand how far from it we normally live. Most is just 'flotsam' -- it isn't truth, it isn't a lie, it's just trivial surface stuff, daily life. But as that gets minimized, and what is inside gets streamlined, it begins to feel like that constant 'unaware-thinking' that our mind does must have been 'venting energy' or using it in some way, because the less of that is going on, the more fundamental power the thoughts on purpose seem to have for manifestation.

I wrote about 'truth' and a profound dream/insight related to this previously.

I could feel that energy when I read things. I called it 'the red thread of truth'. I could just feel "through" words. I was barely able to test this in any objective way--but a little, that supported it. I could 'feel' where someone wrote a sentence but then changed it around. Very subtle, but I could feel in my gut the 'mixing'. When they added a word or sentence in later. When something that mattered was removed. Or when someone else (like an editor) added something in -- a break in the connection, a coldness of that element -- and if something shifted the intent or carried some intent other than the same one the writer had, that felt SO obvious.

So I would think of something positively, I would like XYZ to happen, and it would happen. I don't mean, eventually it occurred in my life. I mean, "convenient coincidence" is how it began, which increased to "massively improbable synchronicity" and we're talking astronomically improbable, which increased to "radical changes in space-time-reality around me." Whole 'breaks and shifts' in the reality around me to 'open up' a probability I wanted.

The closer I was to 'truth', to having 'my head clean and focused', the more I could see the effects of my thoughts on my reality. Now I admit I still am not 100% clear on why it was like it was. I mean, sarcasm, droll and exaggeration for example are my favorite types of humor yet they were pointedly off the path of truth. I could feel myself diverging from the feeling, from "being in the center", when I used them even briefly and in a positive framework.

There are other side-effects. For example the more you 'feel' truth the more you realize that if you limit what you say to what carries that energy, you end up saying very little at all. I talk a lot. So this was odd for me.

Another thing: it's like you become hyper-aware of people's "intent". You start to 'feel' how what they are saying or implying diverges from truth. Which leads to the unhappy conclusion that most our planet has little familiarity with the genuine feel of truth. They aren't just lying; they're lost. They've lost the feel, through repeated bad habit/avoidance of truth, until now they are lost in the flotsam and literally have become part of the noise of this reality, not the signal, so to speak.

I could "feel" that "bad luck" -- bad timing, unfortunate coincidence, when you miss something or someone you wanted to catch, when something offbeat happens, etc. -- I could FEEL it coming as it did, when I brought it on by a shift in thinking. I understood that my shift in thinking (such as allowing a daydream of a certain kind, or letting go of the constant, insistant "positive feeling foundation" I was attempting to hold all the time) had brought this reality experience to me. But sometimes it was really hard to get the furled-up symbol or 'meta' data for what energy brought it on. I might know that thought or action X directly led, within minutes or seconds, to reality event/circumstance Y. I just might not really understand the "why" of it. Except that all 'power' models of psychology seem to really represent 'fear/lack/vulnerable' models inside and so you act out the first mentally and the second promptly shows up in reality, almost like a counterweight, like the 'hidden' part of the iceberg; the true energy your daydream was made of. But if I hadn't been super-close to truth, if the effect hadn't been nearly instant and part of what I 'felt', I don't think I would ever have become aware of this.

Recently I had a week where I was both unusually randy and unusually driven to daydream, often negatively. (I will consider the sexual stuff positive, but note that it was much more in the power-submission model than it normally is.) I just had too much energy in the lower couple of chakras and was too oblivious to do something practical and useful with it instead of wasting it. Anyway, after a week of a lot of negative, all kinds of crap started happening to me, separately, "bad luck" and "chance" and "coincidence" and ALL NEGATIVE. Finally it literally was in a group tackle on my life when I realized (from under the pile) that I had TOTALLY brought this on myself. I focused like crazy on positive feelings, on dissolving negative daydreams, and reality promptly started improving.

Since then I've been attempting to 'watch my focus' again. I haven't tried this hard in a long time. It's just as seemingly hard as it was the last time.

Why should 'awareness' be so much work? I guess we spend most of our lives training to just 'exist obliviously'.

PJ