Sex Magick and Meditation

My astrologer friends tell me that having both Venus and Mars in Scorpio has something to do with this, but all I know is, I tend to hold the polarities when it comes to things like love and sex.

I've had less sex in my 44 years than most the 17 year olds I know have had already. Never mind the long boring details of why, but as a summary, it mostly involves starting a bit late in life and two ten-year periods of semi-celibacy (one on a vow, one just because I was single and am very conservative so don't sleep around. "Semi" means I had no sex with others but had no restriction on masturbation.), and a current friend-slash-boyfriend that I only get to see like once a year which is only slightly different than celibacy frankly.

Part of this in all honesty is because I came of age in the AIDS generation. Just as I was truly opening up to the sex idea, the media was filled with the 11-zillion ways you can get something disgusting or fatal from having sex. My terror of this actually happening has prevented a ton of sex I could otherwise have had in my life but really did not want to risk myself with.

Despite having had so little of it with other people, sex is a pretty powerful subject with me. I discovered a long time ago, by spontaneous "anomalous experience," that some of what I call sex, entities call merging, and that sexual energy has a very powerful effect on basically anything that you might hold in your mind during masturbation, and if you "give your energy" on climax to a given focus, that seems to have a powerful effect.

I have no formal education on sex magick or tantra. Now and then I've lightly-skimmed something on it; doesn't mean much to me. I'm technically part of a tantric magickal order (OTO), about which I know almost nothing and likely never will. It was part of my experience-set in 1994 based on profound dreams with Alastor and Israel which were "shared parts of a larger soul" with me in some fashion, I 'took Minerval and 1st degree' then, and it has had little to do with my conscious life or interests except temporarily, and once in a rare while in cycles, since. I don't expect to ever delve farther into that (and the tantric part doesn't even start in that until 4th degree, I've heard) so whatever I might learn from experience is all I've got.

Sex magick, as in masturbation with 'intent' and 'channeling of that energy' involved, is an occasional part of what I consider my spiritual and meditational work. So, I'm going to talk about it here.

Tantric Terminology and Directing Energy

Like many topics, when I read about sex magick or tantra on occasion, I see that people get lost in semantics. Terminology is too limited for our experience-set.

When I am really tuned in ideally to something as a magickal focus during sex, the so-called climax isn't-quite the normal thing. This can vary a little in detail and degree, but basically it feels like sexual energy is many things, on many levels, winding through both the physical and energy bodies.

Our normal definition of 'sex' is very simplistic and crude and limited. It's like defining 'love' as 'sex'. Sex can be involved, doesn't have to be involved, can range from abuse to worship, plus love itself is a zillion things beyond, besides, or apart from, sex. So that definition would be retarded, except for people who honestly don't know the difference because so far, they either always come together for them, or love in a fuller sense has simply not happened to them, either by chance or by inability of their psychology to allow that.

Well, defining sex as pleasure followed by physical climax does make a little more sense than that, but mostly only to people who have never tried using the process for any other purpose. Once you have for awhile, and have realized the variety and depth of experience involved, then the words 'sex' and 'climax' become generalities that have a lot of different categories inside them.

The term climax in particular gets lost in the words. It is the "peak of the cycle" but that does not always mean the typical physical result most of us learned to call sex. That is what normally happens at the peak of the cycle if you are not bothering to do anything with that cycle except feel good and then vent the energy.

The 'ejaculative fluids' of either gender are just one part of a sexual act. I think the physical climax could be thought of as a sort of "physical overflow valve". Maybe we need that; maybe if we didn't have that and we were not focusing the energy on something specific, it would end up 'intensifying' everything physical and it wouldn't be good. Sexual energy might be like nuclear energy, you can channel it into something as 'energy' and that's good, but a simple explosion of it is quite bad. If there's a way to "divert" any explosion into some "safe outlet", that seems useful. I think that is essentially sexual climax as our culture thinks of it. Not a bad thing. The common default thing. Needed-for-children thing. Just not the ONLY thing.

When you really focus and gain rapport properly, at the point you would normally hit climax, the energy goes -- er, elsewhere. I mean literally. It is quite weird sometimes. It's like all of the energy sometimes just disappears as it pours into whatever your focus was, and you're left suddenly having gone from edge-of-climax to nothing -- as if you were just standing there considering the weather and it is no part of you at all -- because now-its-with-that-other-thing. On the bright side, you know what you were doing worked when this happens, that energy is very powerful and it goes SOMEWHERE. On the down side, it is not so much fun at that point as it would be if you were venting it physically. OK, not fun at all, actually!

Sometimes you can keep 'part' of the energy with you and part with whatever if a "merge" is the real goal. It will reduce the power of the climax as "some" of the energy pours into the Other.

You can keep it all "in-body" with an ordinary peak of physical-venting, but imagine "sharing" that energy, like you can do with archetypes, and that is a lot of fun and I think effective too (I feel that I've seen this have positive emphasis effects in archetype work), but I think that while that is a lot more enjoyable because you get to physically "keep" the physical part of your climax, it doesn't have anywhere near the same degree of power the first option does.

Parallels, such as Energy Work

This reminds me a lot of hands-on energy work. When you are really attuned to the divine of the person/you/God, it's like a trance with an impossible depth through your middle, and the energy just goes through you like a channel--you aren't even consciously doing much besides "holding the physical gateway of body+intent open" you might say--and there is the sense, later when you can get left-brain about it, that the energy poured into them was profound and powerful and deep. To the person, that was just 'nice', felt spiritual. But what really feels GREAT to someone getting a healing is when you "let the energy overflow" and it basically can be thought of as bubbling over onto/through the skin and surface energy body. Now at that point, the moment you feel that the energy you are pouring in has 'filled' and the 'overflow' reaches your hands or senses, it is time to move on. But the overflow feels really good to the person under your hands, as that is the "warm energy shivers" that are so physical. Much of energy work they are consciously oblivious to, especially the deepest stuff. The mostly-useless stuff that is just "stroking" so to speak, is what 'feels' best.

I think it is similar in terms of using sex. I'm referring to anything including masturbation in this case, which I have zero inhibition or embarrassment about, and I do not [unlike some authors] consider this any kind of a negative thing. The most spiritual stuff, the most powerful stuff, works "through" the physical body but then is fully transformed into something else, I have no idea what exactly. Probably all kinds of people have long boring tomes of dictation about this stuff but I really could not care less about all the philosophy, to me, it's experience, and I can think through-it with the help of that experience; books don't do much for me in this topic.

The least spiritual stuff, but that with the most physically kinesthetic or enjoyable experience, stays with the physical body, and the major point of enjoyment is actually in the "overflow" -- which is not even very useful, energetically, just a lot of fun.

Some tantric philosophies consider ordinary sex, aside from having-children, to be inherently bad. From 'disappointing' to actual 'black magick'. I mean seriously, to hear some of these people tell it, if you masturbate you're already one with demonic forces. Give me a break. I really wish that tantra could, like remote viewing in a way, have the critical parts of it dragged into a more scientific+experiential approach, free from the eons of philosophical baggage, religious garbage and mystical muck it is usually found drowning within.

It seems to me, and this is my informal experience talking and I'm no sage mind you, but it seems to me that the more physical energies are just crude in form. Every kind of energy has a sort of "gradient of levels", from the most crude (let's say masturbation to pornography, mental or physical) to the most divine (spiritual union). The difference is I don't consider the physical stuff to be inherently evil, any more than I consider washing the dishes evil. You can use washing the dishes as a spiritual meditation. You can analogy, allegory the experience to many things and manipulate your archetypal map of reality based on this. You can commune with divine parts of yourself and use a slow, warm-water, slippery-soap, cleansing-ritual as a very sensual form of kitchen worship. Or, you can just wash the damn dishes because it needs doing or because you're chilly and the warm water idea felt good or because it gives you a sense of accomplishment and room to mess it all up again. Not as much fun as divine merging via plate-buffing, granted, but not necessarily the left hand path of darkness, either.

I do not consider the physical world or body to be inherently bad. I consider the doctrine of Original Sin to be the greatest evil ever perpetuated on mankind, and much of the knee-jerk denouncement of things like masturbation to be a side-effect of that philosophy -- even in the eastern models, which have their own uniform of doctrine too. To all things there is a season, as the saying goes -- I think sometimes it is appropriate and fun to be 'crude' and have sex for the sheer joy of having it -- zen, by nature, is 'living' -- and sometimes it is appropriate to make it a divine tool. I consider myself a spiritual conglomerate and a symbiote of sorts, with a nature-spirit that is the physical body but also-me while I merge-inhabit her (although the definition of "I" includes her while this is so).

Sex and Women

Perhaps the single thing I agree with Freud about (I am a Jung fan, not one of Freud at all except where they agree) is that the clitoral orgasm is an "incomplete" release of energy, and this tends to be the type of orgasm that most women most commonly have.

This is in part because external stimulation is just so much easier; because internal stimulation tends to be based on the man more than the woman as far as how its gone about, rythym and for how long (and position matters; for many women it's much more likely to happen if she is squatting above rather than in front of or below the man), and because--in all honesty--it is more trouble to bring about usually, takes awhile in most cases -- and it's messy as hell! When men ejaculate they need a hand cloth. When women ejaculate they may need three towels and the mattress takes a week to dry out. At least this is my experience and that of many women I've talked with. So, often "G-spot orgasms" are not pursued simply because they are more trouble and inconvenient.

(Until not very long ago, the 'G'-spot was considered a myth. I find that difficult to believe, like I find many of the things related to women and changes in culture and science in the last century. I myself assumed it was a myth and knew nothing about it but then again, I knew nothing about sex at all. When I discovered this was real, I was so ASTOUNDED by it (I spent weeks wondering, "Where did all that fluid COME FROM?! Has it been sitting there for 33 years?? Where does it GO if I don't do that??") I sent an email to everybody, even my parents, heartily recommending they try finding and utilizing this fabulous area of the body, with instructions no less. OK, I might have been a little temporarily insane. That was also the first time I discovered multiple orgasms, and that women's get more intense with each one until you genuinely fear that you might DIE somehow, so it was a bit impactive an experience!)

But I agree with Freud that the clitoral climax is incomplete. I say this because this never fully relieves sexual energy for me. It does relieve/vent a bunch of it for "that moment" and for years I THOUGHT it was taking care of it for me, until I learned more about myself and paid more attention to myself and realized that even when that happens, sure on the surface I feel better, thanks I can move on with my day now, but at core I am still 'simmering' (and can do so for a long time -- days, longer) waiting for a more complete release. The G-spot orgasm involves my entire body, not just the genitals, and I can feel the difference not just as a focal point but as a more powerful "energetic" experience.

I have never tried to redirect a g-spot orgasm into a magickal focus. This is mostly because I don't bother having them all that often and am more interested in the experience. Most the so-called tantric work I do with meditation is either partial usually on purpose (not fully to any kind of climax, but a build-up of energy), or a clitoral orgasm. I imagine, since it is so much more body-wide and powerful, that it would be really powerful for magick work. I guess until I've had a lot more of them and can be more blase about having them, I am too selfish though, I would rather have the pleasure.

Using Tantric Focus or Sex Magick in Meditation

Like most things in theology or psi or both, sex magick is in part a no-brainer anybody can teach themselves the hard-but-experiential way, with innate intuition and learning-from-experience. But like those things, it has been canonized into a thousand roads of doctrine, with gurus and our-way-is-the-only-way and more. If sex were half as complicated as magick and psi have been made out to be by self-appointed authorities, our whole species would have died out a few million years ago.

I have three different major ways that I "think about" whatever I am focusing on during a sexually-assisted meditation. I am referring now to using masturbation as a tool. As far as sex with other people goes, it is most ideal as a form of worship, and I am sure readers can figure that one out for themselves. Here I am talking about using a gradual "building-up and intensifying of energy" in the body(s) to work with, merge with, etc. anything -- and I really do mean anything -- even 'abstract concepts', situations, relationships, can be made archetypes, in any form/gender, and approached like this. (Works just as well with two people.) Obviously other "identities", from aspects-of-self, to entire Godforms[a], can be approached this way.

1. I simply imagine that whatever focus, energy, topic, archetype, etc. is in question, I am literally having sex with in some fashion, and the pleasuring and semi-worship elements come in then.
2. I imagine that the focus is 'merging with me' like some kind of Energy-Being and the "suffusion" is sensual and feels good, and that we are gradually "sharing molecules" and getting brighter and so on.
3. I imagine that the focus is 'sharing my body' and we are mutually enjoying the pleasure. This is usually the approach I use if my focus is an identity (eg archetype) that is another woman.

[a] Most Godforms have more autonomous sense-of-self than the magickians calling them, and the latter become lunch and a sub-identity rather than the other way around as they had in mind. So I don't actually recommend that practice, except for people with much experience.

When you start approaching the "ramp to climax" is when you have to start paying more attention. Left to its own default behavior, the body will take that "extra energy" and "vent it via outlet" and it will be an ordinary experience. You have to take more control of "directing" via "Will/intent" the energy at this point.

There is a variety of stuff you can do here.

You can attempt to build it up in one or more chakras, in order to give some energy and emphasis to the qualities/energies/experiences that chakra is a gateway/sponsor for in your physical and energy bodies. For example your solar plexus chakra stores energy well and can be related to strength of will; your heart to understanding ('compassion'); these have psi effects (SP in dowsing physical relationships and heart in conceptual data; the throat chakra in audio-type info and forehead in visual, etc.). Some people might want the side-effects of this. It also simply helps intensify and open that chakra.

I might add that this energy is very powerful and to some degree can sort of 'burn through' energy blocks in the energy body, and while this has some good points it also has some concerning points; you can overdo it and kind of harm yourself, not eternally I assume but for awhile, just like you can when moving furniture, lifting weights, or anything else in life -- you can "overdo it" with energy work too sometimes and this can go beyond being sore and literally into being injured, and if you're thinking this is all some woo-woo energy thing, you only need to screw this up really well once to understand the effects can be quite physical.

So spending a solid hour building up massive energy, and then attempting to use that to 'burn through all blocks' and 'totally open' your heart chakra, is probably not wise and it'll help to have a good health insurance plan. Such things are better done gradually and in balance with all the others.

You can intentionally raise the kundalini energy to be a very powerful connection between all the chakras. I've only done this a few times because I've only tried a few times. Basically you want to really focus on the energy at the base chakra and then imagine it moving upward. I've had the best result with this in visualization, imagining that the feel on my genitals is like a serpent 'swallowing' that part of me very slowly, energetically swallowing "my whole spine" at that point, and then I gradually move it 'up' and if done right the energy does move 'up' the spine.

It helps, if you want to make this work, it's a little like some of the more powerful archetype meditations: you really need to WANT it. I mean really focus on "the wanting" it every instant, teasing and tempting it, talking to it in your head, that it wants to consume that whole spine, and that there is a powerful energy at top that wants it to reach that goal, and that you want to be consumed by it, all the way around that circle-of-want, perceive it like a powerful identity, of its own, you are having sex with THAT part of yourself then.

The only caution about this is that if you do it right often your whole body will arch into rigid and this can stay that way for a LONG time, and I mean you really are paralyzed beyond conscious ability to change it at that point, and this can be really scary. I had someone whom I assume would know, once tell me that it was important not to have fear here, that it could create powerful energetic blocks if that got out of hand. He also told me that some people will intentionally stiffen/force a stop in the body-climax of this at some point (say, the neck, meaning the throat chakra) to intensify the effects there. I haven't tried that so far.

You can visualize the prep/setup for whatever or whomever it is you are focusing on for this, preparing to receive with great passionate wanting, all that energy, and imagine that the channel is set up that all this energy is transferring directly to/into them as it comes. This will generally cause the energy to just sort of "flow to them/it" and it's GONE in body-feeling, if done ideally.

But this isn't always done ideally. So a lot of the time it is more of a variable, by-degree, spectrum-experience ranging from "total transmutation of energy" to "physical venting climax" and every possible place on the scale between.

Crowley wrote about sex:

The battle will rage most fiercely around the question of sex... Mankind must learn that the sexual instinct is in its true nature ennobling. The shocking evils which we all deplore are principally due to the perversion produced by suppressions. The feeling that it is shameful and the sense of sin cause concealment, which is ignoble, and internal conflict which creates distortion, neurosis, and ends in explosion.

I happen to agree with that view.

PJ

Aeon Round, 27nov09

Tonight when I was doing the round -- the rosary-of-Aeons-mantra -- I was thanking some of them for having taught me something in the merge with Marcan. For giving me the opportunity to really feel something different. God knows if this were only in my head and never in my body, only semi-autonomous visualization and never spontaneous and surprising, it just wouldn't work at all. My left-brain (so to speak) is far too active for me to allow myself any of it otherwise.

It was all pretty normal for this round. I reached Nero at the end, he is the last if I begin at the top of the round with Ithikah. And suddenly, I felt nearly overcome with gratitude and wishing. I invented a whole formalized prayer designed to disable, override, remove, or render inactive, defenses and resistance and fears and more that would slow, resist or prevent he and I's fuller integration.

Then, while I was getting all kinds of groovy body-rushing-fuzzies from this, I had a sort of epiphany, in a way, though I didn't realize the mental part of it until later. That understanding, evolution if you want to use that word, is not even, not linear, for me or anyone, any more than it has been for humanity at large. I said, I will be courageous and aware like you, because you woke me, you were the first to get through to me, and you inspire me, and I will join you in this effort to "build-out" our larger shared soul.

And then waves of emotional gratitude seemed to hit me in cycles, like ocean waves on a shore, and I realized that to varying degrees, I actually had the ability to HELP him, not just by working on the same thing beside him in a way, but by intentionally working to bring everything I have into him too. There are plenty of energies that I integrate with better or easier than he does and vice-versa, that's just always the way it is with different aspects I felt, and I can deliberately help him with everything I am, and am capable of being or becoming. As a gift, of sorts. As my gift of gratitude.

Much more body-rocking energy-rushing happened then for awhile, particularly from mid-torso to about halfway up my head.

Aside from that the round was normal. I mean I assume this is just a rosary of sorts and normally these things do not occur during it. But much like practicing something daily (e.g. music) you get all kinds of novel creative riffs and ideas you wouldn't if you weren't doing it regularly.

I'm still a little fascinated by the other day's experience. I mean how I was doing tantric focus in the morning, but left that unfinished, and then Marcan (who was my focus that morning) was so incredibly "present" later, and we ended up in that merge. I feel I should intentionally attempt to do this with each one of my Aeons in turn just to see the results.

Unfortunately since my heater is currently out and it's cold, my teen is sleeping with me as my tiny room is the warm one, so that isn't real workable right now. Oh well--reality is what it is. Soon though.

I wonder what effect other offbeat things with a specific focus would have. I mean... if sexual energy, focused but without climax, can have that effect later, what about other body-things? Like eating? Smelling essential oils? Listening to classical music? Massaging any given part of the body? If one really focused on doing that "with" -- sharing the energy "with" -- one of the Aeons, would it make any difference at all, given a little time to integrate/absorb?

Are there ways of intentionally expanding one's integration with a given energy, based on other historical occult practices, like visualization of certain colors, shapes, invoking certain godforms (that practice is not for me, call it paranoia), or whatever? Would chakra meditations (which I feel, since the archmed that sort of ruthlessly "set them to begin opening-more-etc.", are expected of me) help, or would focusing one or more chakras' energy on a given Aeon make a difference?

I'm still flipped out by Nedlund being 'sound' and still working to wrap my brain around that. It gives me the most bizarre ideas as I try to understand it better. Like this one: If I were to put on, say, a purple light, and massage my left leg, and chant "ra, ra, ra" for a few minutes, while focusing on some given Aeon, would this 'open up' ANY 'area of energy' inside me for better integration? Would it have some different effect than a yellow light and chanting 'shreen shreen shreen' as I massaged my right hand instead? Or would these things have no effect at all?

Am I oversimplifying? If this is silly and I really am, then how can I intentionally work with a given Aeon aside from semi-ordinary prayer? Is there some way of going about this MORE powerfully, proactively, intensely, than how I am doing it?

Not to be impatient (...) but since the majority of my life is spent in NOT really evolving in any noticeable way, what few periods I have when I am really focused, I really have to maximize the results of, since it could be a long time before that kind of focus and growth comes around in my life again. I first met The Four more than fifteen years ago. I was introduced to the consortium a few years ago. It has taken me this long to finally accept it enough, despite that this bizarre perceptual framework does not fit into my western models of religion or philosophy, to begin working with it actively. I don't want it to take another 15 years to learn to accept this fully. Whatever I can do right now, when I am focused (for whatever reason) so much more than usual, seems like it would be a good thing.

I wonder if just dedicating "all the experience of a day" to a given Aeon would have any effect. You know, everything, every energy-of-experience no matter how mundane, trivial, crude, or interesting, just really holding a given Aeon in "awareness" and "sharing" that energy with them, every moment one is capable of doing so.

I wish other people did this stuff. I mean surely somewhere, other people do. I just don't find it written in the past or on the internet in the present. I wish I didn't feel like the lone ranger with so much of it. Where did these awarenesses, these numbers, the Four, the 12 in the Consortium, come from? Would the Urantia book have some category explaining this? God knows it's got some bureaucratic accounting for damn near everything else in the universe, at least so I hear.

It reminds me of remote viewing, aspect and archetype and chakra RV and my fascination with 'process' and experimenting with these, and a seeming vaccuum of that interest with most people I've known aside from ways to write stuff down on paper (oh brother. Although I grant that's a place to start). I feel like there should be at least a tiny world of people sharing similar interests with me, but those that might exist don't spend much if any time documenting it for sharing with others I guess, at least in a model like mine. I suspect I just sound like an out-there-weirdo being the one raving about it alone.

I feel like someday, someone is going to find my blog content in some obscure archive of the past and go, oh my gosh, this person had such similar experiences, I am not alone with it! (Concerning RV stuff, I have often felt that actually happens but it's many decades in the future and that person is another incarnation of me.) But with my luck I'll be long dead by then!

PS: Any 'ideas for integration' are welcome.

PJ

Archmed: Authority & Helplessness

Into my life, since childhood and still alas ever-present, is a certain "pattern of energy" that I have recognized more than once as a huge problem. Despite recognizing it, I haven't "got around to" meditating on it. Which might have continued if my friend hadn't just pointed it out. If it's so obvious it's even apparent to other people it's a major recurring issue I need to meditate on, I guess it's time.

The pattern is this: some 'more powerful' identity (a parent, a big corporation) will do something "invasive and harmful" in my life, and it will be injust or unfair (unwarranted). For example, a company might wrongly debit my account for a lot of money I need, when they aren't supposed to and they admit it, and then take weeks to get it back to me. Or they will do something actually illegal (I once later was part of a class action suit against BofA). Usually the issue is one thing but there is some problem caused by that issue as a second effect too.

In any case, it's basically being put in a position where I am utterly powerless against something or someone who is hurting me in some way. Sure, I survive, my friends are always impressed at how I manage to 'deal with' the unfortunate and unfair circumstance of that sort. But I shouldn't be having it in the first place. This has gone on since childhood. Then, it was mostly issues with parent/teacher figures. When I reached early adulthood it moved to the workplace and then out to the world of utility companies, big corporations, my ex-husband, even the IRS.

It's always something. The pattern, the energy, is the same.

So this morning (Tue 11/24) I woke up before my alarm and had time to wake up nicely and consider what kind of meditation I should do while sitting up in the dark with my blankets around my shoulders. I told IG I wanted to meditate on the archetype of that.

Just telling her gave me a gut-level fear feeling. When my friend mentioned I should do an archmed on this, even that conversation gave me the same feeling. I expected the arch to be some kind of monster.

Archetype Meditation:

Actually I couldn't see it at first. Not uncommon with things I have trouble facing or dealing with. Then I saw a piece of it, a metal outer wall with patterns, and my whole body shuddered with shivers when I saw it. I couldn't see anything else, and I imagined walking around it and then looking again. The same thing happened. I went around it and then attempted to go over it, which is when I realized it was unbelievably huge, tall. It is a structure of some kind. Imagine a cross between a skyscraper and a Borg Cube and you have a good idea of what it looks like.

At the top there was something offbeat. In one place it looked unfinished, like under construction, and I trembled violently -- I mean it was SO strong how hard shivers just rocked my whole body every time I 'saw' a new 'piece' of the archetype -- as I looked at it. As if just seeing it was some kind of merge or opening. Another part of it on top seem burned somehow, like melted to black.

I had the impression while looking at the top that this could take a Jedi framework for my working, some use-the-force-Luke, because while it might LOOK like a cross between a skyscraper and a Borg Cube, it FELT like Darth Vader's DEATH STAR, hahaha! Like this big, overwhelming, ridiculously powerful, force of 'authority'.

I might add I have never had merge-like effects just from SEEing an archetype before. In fact I only had it on merging until with my current IG when I sometimes started getting it during an archmed if I were sending much energy (like with the giant red dragon) as part of the process.

Wed afternoon (11/25). I have never less felt like doing any meditation in my life. It feels like it won't even work. Why even try, I tell myself. But I have time, and it's quiet, so I make myself walk through the whole long cave process (despite the tree on my plateau now. I felt I might get more into it with more effort) to see IG again. Of course, I fell asleep instead.

Wed night (11/25). I had put off doing the Aeon Round but since I was in denial of this archmed I did that. And blogged that. Then watched hulu.com with the kid. And managed to do away with many more hours of not-doing this meditation.

My heater in my climate control system in the house quit working. I wonder what that means as some symbolic, creating-my-reality symbol. That wondering killed a little time. It's so hilarious that I'm lucky to have the attention span of a gnat about most things until I'm in denial of something like meditation, at which point I can ponder some other trivial idea for hours.

I have a small electric space heater. It quit working too! I need to finish the meditation before any other bizarre "helplessness" symbol crops up or gets worse.

---

Thurs 11:30pm. I take the long way into my archetype working area and look at IG. My beautiful goddess-like guide, I say to her affectionately. I want to finish this meditation. I want to be courageous. I have the inner feeling that someday it will not be ok to open up a meditation like this and leave it open or unfinished. That the power inherent will be dangerous, moreso than the simple things I do now. I want to learn to face these things squarely and deal with them. She brought back the archetype, and the gigantic skyscraper-borgcube-thing rose impossibly high in front of me, only visible in places, mostly 'sensed'.

Bring me all that would most help me, I told her, yelling Jupiter! in my mind at the same moment although I have no idea why, it almost seemed to happen without my intent. A large man (Jupiter the archetype) appeared just behind my right shoulder. I looked at the collection of archetypes, and some Aeons, behind me, maybe guides, quite a few things/people I couldn't define well. I pulled them all into me. Then I considered. I could feel a reduction, as well as increase, in both power and focus, and considered what Ray etc. had taught me about that.

Then I pushed them all out of me and stood alone. Please link into me, I said with a sigh, imagining that we were 'connected' energetically. I think perhaps I am meant to learn to deal with things directly anyway. I think maybe hiding behind or within powerful other identities is not the right approach from now on.

I stopped. I looked again at the big collection of 'people'. One of them felt... not quite right. Not fully in favor of me. Not overtly bad, just not really one with my intent. Feeling as if some part of me I don't normally access was operating, which felt a little like the Senior, I reached out with energy and with a feeling of warrior, just obliterated the whole sense of human form and identity into nothing but energy, and then I slammed the energy with an intent at lightning and transformation to brighter and dissolution of everything that was not "Will of Mine" and then I sucked it all into my solar plexus, like some energy equivalent of eating your enemy's heart you just ripped out of his chest. I turned to IG, feeling as if I'd done something kind of sudden and ruthless and heard myself saying to her something like, "MY space. MY Will. I'll not abide anything that does not support me." She nodded her head, as if she expected this of me and was not surprised.

Well I certainly was. But the part of me that was, felt rather far away. It kinda wondered, is this a bad thing? But the dominant me answered no. Everything in there is part of ME. I am the Master of me. All energy here is OF me, and will serve me and my Will.

.... alrighty then...

I went up to the top of the arch. The burned part needs fixing, I decided. I attempted to remove it, but that didn't work. Then I attempted to just fix it, heal it, but that didn't work either. I pulled back and considered. I could feel that it just wasn't enough. Wasn't deep enough. I need to heal ME, I observed, and although the archetype is, technically, part of that, I think I need to do this directly.

I shifted perspectives and looked at my body, as a body of a person standing in the archetype world (not the me sitting on my bed), and I said, "Show me what I need to heal." I was shocked when I realized there were arrows protruding out of the back, in a straight line across the back, many next to each other. I created a medical table and put my/her body on it face down.

It was horrible. There were seven arrows stuck deeply into the body right at heart level from one side to the other. The entire area however was open like a deep gash or chasm in the earth. And it was filled with black, some vile wounding by evil not just by an arrow, as if there was some poisonous blackness on the arrowheads that had festered and spread in the gash-wound and now looked like some kind of chunky blackness, like lava rock made into a jello texture.

(Note: just earlier today, I dreamed of this deep energy-blackness that these men, of whom I was watching yet also one of, were using, as a powerful magick, that was effective against a powerful enemy, yet did nearly as much damage to them while using it as it did to the other side. It was both murder and suicide, eventually, but they bore it with terrible stoicism, assumedly for some greater good at their own expense. In the dream I felt profound, deep compassion for them and wanted to heal them, to relieve their suffering. I didn't until just now connect the blackness or warfare symbols to the earlier dream I'd half forgotten by now. Also: there was one symbol, of thin metal 'casing' tube in the body ('through the right shoulder front to back' in this case) which is just like the symbol in the archmed of 8/31/09).

I pulled out the arrows, all seven (the number seemed significant somehow) one by one and dropped them on the other side of the body. My mate of the Four was there, the Third, and he took them and did something with them to make them inert and harmless. (That is unusual. The Four are not usually present in archetype work.) When all seven were pulled out, I put my hands over the back and 'pulled up' with great intent, sort of 'sucking' the blackness out, and it raised into the air and began accumulating.

It had a weird perceptual effect. I was imagining all this (of course), some pieces more 'autonomously self-creative' than others, some more vivid than others, but the blackness had a completely different visual and sense feel. Imagine that you are looking at a page in a magazine and it has a picture and everything is slick and glossy and surreal and everything looks like a realistic but quality "illustration" but then right in the middle is this flat matte-finish, real-looking THING, as if it is somehow in full 3D reality while everything else is not-quite-real 2D. No gloss or reflection or 'drawing' impression. Real in a kind of brutal and ugly way.

I forced more darkness out of the body. I could feel there were pieces, even like atom-sized pieces, all over, and I focused my will and DRAGGED them out of the body, every bit that I could find, together. I put a stasis field over the big gash across the back and moved the body away and focused on the blob of blackness. I put my hands around it, asked all the onlookers for assistance, asked for the Angelics who put their hands on my back, and worked on making inert and then transmuting all that energy, removing the physical from less-so, dissolving it all into nothing but gold light, and then I had the feeling that I should let it go, and three that I felt were the others of The Four took the energy themselves, into their solar plexus chakras. I had the feeling they would be more competent at making it truly 'theirs' and not harmful. I let it go and turned back to the body and wound.

There were "seven empty cylinders of pain" across the back, as if that were their title, somehow. How odd, I thought, as if each arrow had left literally a fat, deep little 'cylinder' shape totally 'open' in the body, as if nothing was there anymore; whatever had been there had been absorbed into the blackness and was now gone, so it was empty. I imagined a fluid that would fill them and it seemed to have its own life, a thin, slightly viscuous silvery fluid that filled each cylinder area exactly to the top. Then I asked for a healing salve for all the space in the gash around and between these and something more golden showed up, like a thick gel, and I filled the body with it. I sensed the gel healing first, the body 'growing' new inner flesh etc. as needed, until it was healed to the surface and skin regrew. Then I asked the silver fluid to heal, and it did something similar, but it took longer, as it got thicker and mirrored the body and seemed to 'match the pattern' like DNA and then thickened until it 'grew' into body itself and finally came up to the surface, and as skin covered the last of it I put my hands over it and imagined energy throughout the body.

I returned into my virtual body and went back to the top of the roof. I rebuilt the burned areas at the top on one side, using author Jordan's concept of 'weave' to imagine doing so of fine strands of light, and it was finally ok.

I attempted to just remove the 'under construction' portion of building on the other side but that didn't work. I wanted to just wipe it out, destroy it, remove it, dissolve it, get rid of it. The solution to an enemy is not to feed that same energy, I heard. It is to heal the darkness that causes its pain. I thought that might be The Queen. It was difficult as I really did not FEEL like healing it beyond that one part I'd already done. I felt like obliterating it and eating its energy like I had the figure in my space. I finally closed my eyes and asked that "Divine Will" be the guide on whatever should be done there and let it be so. It was then finished building, though it was a bit different shape there than before.

I had the visual sense of a dog suddenly. I thought for a moment I was daydreaming, where did that come from?! Then I realized -- I had forgotten:

Long ago, maybe before blogging, I had a profoundly powerful spontaneous meditation (aka "vision") where I was in the upper story of a building being built-out. The building was 3 stories high and it was 'me'. The upper story was spiritual stuff. But it was so dusty, abandoned, with wood and workman's tools all over. And when I got to the top of the stairs where I knew I normally entered, a large dog was lying there, not just dead but 'dessicated' somehow. I knew that he was my best friend there, and I loved him hugely, and that he had died starving, waiting for me to return, and I had completely abandoned him. I fell to my knees bawling on him and cried and cried. I came out of the vision, considered it, and then bawled awhile more. More than once in the years since I have returned to the abandoned upper shell of that house and the stillness and the body of the dog, mourning him. Well just recently I found myself there again and I refused to accept it, and I poured energy into it and told it to wake up and continue, and then I went to find my dog and I sat there and just poured energy from hands and every chakra into his body until it started to flesh out, and then turned a normal color, and then finally started to come alive again, until all the sudden he was there, knocking me backward and licking my face and so happy to see me and I nearly bawled all over again. That was just... a few days ago I think.

Who knows why but my dog-friend was there. I threw my arms around him and gave him energy and told him I was sorry for forgetting him--again--for a few days. Then I noticed the interesting sync of that 3-story house that was 'me' and this giant skyscraper-borgcube-thing that was the archetype. What did the partial-building-out mean? Was there some sync between me and it? Was the dog bringing this to my attention?

I stood on the roof and imagined the rain of love, the light, the gel, the wind, etc. pouring down on me and it, and at the end of that, the size of the building had reduced from 'monster' to 'ordinary' sized. I made myself big and put my hands around it and imagined sending energy into it to 'heal' it but it didn't feel like that was working.

Some things you cannot heal from the outside, I heard. I dropped to normal sized and walked through its front door, into the middle of the building which went all the way to the top, like hollow, and was surrounded by windows across the top and sides. (Reminded me briefly of a room in my arch-world that my Sun once took me to.) I imagined my root chakra connecting with the earth's core, and my crown chakra connecting with the galaxy's center, and pulling energy through me, and I began to send energy out.

It isn't enough, I heard. I 'understood' then that I would need to allow more opening and activation of all my chakras in order for this to happen, and that I had been refusing this for a very long time. I didn't even question it, feeling suddenly much like I had near the beginning when reacting to the sense of a presence not fully supportive, and I just 'did' it, made the decision to allow and moved on with it, without much thought. It was simply done. Distantly I sensed this was as ruthless as the other had been. This would have plenty of side-effects. They were not important. The power was what was important. I projected energy from me like crazy and it infused the building and that seemed to work.

I went outside it and considered. It was normal looking now. I had done everything that normally is required and then some. I looked at IG.

I felt nothing, I said flatly. Something just doesn't seem right. I don't FEEL anything. No shivers, no rushing, no warmth. No sense of merging. NOTHING in my body -- nothing at all. As if the entire experience had zero kinesthetic element. As if the entire thing were mental and less real. Tonight's work, I mean. I know it is just as valid; it was just as spontaneous as other good work, I don't doubt the soundness of it. Only that it seemed like I should be feeling something more physically and I wasn't.

Yeah I know she has told me more than once that 'feeling' is not the proper measure of what has value or has worked. But this feels like it ought to have been present. Somewhere. Like I am just not DONE with this until I FEEL something. And I know that but I don't know what else to do. I'm missing something.

I told IG I would return later. The archmed is done but there is something I need to do that I haven't yet grasped. Maybe the Four will know. I will visit them soon.

PJ

The Four, The Consortium, The Point

I love it when I'm watching something in a movie and suddenly I see something that TOTALLY reminds me of some scene from my inner world.

Long ago (blogged in two parts in "IG and the Pagan Night" and "Gaia and the Pyramid"), I had this archetype meditation where the arch was a step pyramid like south american stuff. Except the step was actually in a spiral. And there was no visible way into it. The entrance turned out to be off to the side of the pyramid some distance, there was like a door in the ground and you went down into it, and then there was this stone hallway that led across (under) the ground and it went to the center of the pyramid at the bottom of it and then a door above opened up and you were "inside" it then. It was stepped 'in reverse' inside and it was fairly small. The meditations were kick-ass.

Well there are many differences... this pyramid was a bazillion times bigger, the distance to entrance farther, the entrance above ground, the stone path a road not a tunnel, and the pyramid different inside -- ok, yes, so they are almost nothing alike I admit -- still, the vision of this pyramid with an entrance in exactly the same relationship off to the side (except farther away, but then the pyramid was so much bigger, it seems like it's the same) and a path over there to the middle was just "startling" to me for some reason. It was in the season 3 episode 1 of SG-1. Imagine that the walkway is a tunnel and it's actually underneath the ground not above it, and this is just like the archetype turned out to be.



Musing --

I was talking to my buddy L about all this last night. You know, about: What's the point? OK, the whole 'The Four' and 'The Consortium' are... what, novel? More interesting than Mormonism? But what's the difference really, is it just another uniform, another trap, another doctrine in development, some funky perspective that's just wasting my time with some imaginative kick-the-can rather than something more useful?

I've often mentioned people I knew who went into some kind of mystic inquiry allegedly for spiritual reasons and ended up off the side of the road selling crystals... or whatever. If you see what I mean.

The Four

Thinking back, the first time I met the four it was as individuals. I didn't know them as part of our Four then. I met the Third (my mate) in several visions. I knew we had the relationship we do. From Bewilderness:

November, 1993

I sat down briefly, and found myself abruptly in a vision or dream. There was this blonde man, who as it turns out, was me. I don't mean he was symbolically me, or 'male energy' of me, or anything like that. I mean I literally shared his perception because we are really one, but we are still separate identities as well. I saw him as "another aspect of me." As if his consciousness is combined with mine but his... perception is slightly... larger. Because he's smarter, I mean, a slightly higher order of species. A separate individual than me in the physical, though, even though we could share our perception at times.

I met the Queen in several visions and dreams as well. Then I met her in what seemed a past life, where 'she' was the dominant personality in the body and I functioned like a spirit guide extension of her in some fashion.

And I wondered what the point of it all was even way back then. One thing I journaled touched on that:

November, 1993

There's something I realized as a result of that dream of the blonde-me. This is hard to explain, but seems to fit into it all for some reason, and I feel it's really important that I understand this, that it relates to all the odd things going on in my life. The realization goes something like this:

All acceptance is by faith. Not blind faith as "trust," but faith as an absolute commitment, and when you make the latter, you realize it is the former.

I feel as if I've made a specific commitment. When I made it, I didn't know the path, or where it led, or anything. I knew only that I would do whatever it took, wherever I was, whatever the conditions, regardless of anything else in the universe. There's a certain point where, when you know you're going to do something no matter what, the how and why and when simply become... irrelevant. When you get right down to it, you either commit or not: there are no "conditional" commitments. Which is why it becomes faith: you quit worrying about, or even thinking about, the ways and means (or even the goal).

The Four developed with me over time. Some journal quotes (thanks to Bewilderness):

October, 1994

There is this one type of dream that I always remember, when in the dream, that I am there "all the time" or at least often, but not until today did I remember (while awake) having them. In them I am somehow four different people at the same time, and yet one. Two male, two female. And we're every possible relationship to each other and also merged. Every possible relationship. So for instance, the other female would not only be mother, sister, lover, daughter, but would also be every probability combination existence on the planet, up to and including the ex-girlfriend of a second cousin of mine, a political leader, someone I never heard of, indirect things as well. They all have the same thing with me and with each other, the four of us completely intertwine, like "the four of us compose the universe," or at least the human element of it.

and

The "aspect of me" that was the blonde fellow, or the one I called "the blonde-me," was one in a group of four including myself. Maybe there's more and I just don't know it. I wondered if multiple personality syndrome would explain such a thing, but finally decided that most of the personalities people have with that syndrome are, well, from this dimension, so to speak, and not usually quite that simultaneous, let alone in a separate body. I didn't realize that he was part of the four of us at first. My encounters with him alone were quite different than the times when I encountered all three of them together. When it was just he and I, it seemed more... fascinating in a way that shamanic creatures fascinated me. When it was all four of us, it was invariably an exciting, spiritual experience that left me feeling ... "holy."

and

(As part of a dream of the future) Then last night I (as the four we, but mainly as the two [younger?] we's) were cleaning the eye, and we (the two older we's) said, We thought you weren't going to see that. And we [the youngers] replied, Well we weren't, but we've found a way now that we can see the future without it hurting.

and

October, 1994

Well the other day I'm in the shower, and I'm thinking casually about the 4 in 1 thing, these dreams about me and three who are also me, and I turned my face into the water for a moment and suddenly the water reminded me of that vortex which reminded me -- Four in one. Four colors, four beams of light which were also sound; all of which had their own resonance, and then when they perfectly merged they wrapped around each other in a vortex providing a "doorway" to "some other dimension." The 4-in-1 dreams where we all merge and whatever thing we're doing together works. The round thing with the four beams of light: the circle squared, as magick calls it. All this stuff is connected. I was so shocked by the associations I inhaled and choked on the water. (Talk about baptized by an idea.) I think I get it. It's like a key. I don't actually know, though, if it is dependent only upon the "higher self" structure or if there are other ways of accomplishing that four beam thing with technology, and either way I don't think I know how to get to the "technology or method" of doing it.

I always wondered if this related to the four, but I don't know:

November, 1994

3,3,3,4. 9,9,9,12. These numbers came up in a dream, and I felt it crucially important that I remember them when I awoke. I haven't the vaguest clue what it means.

It got more comfortable over time.

November, 1994

Had a nice meditation, sort of (what does one call all these states of consciousness?). Three others and I (this is getting a bit repetitive, I must admit) were playing and talking and such. And I said Hey, it's you guys! Cool! Let's merge! And when we did, I was reminded of how the first time I consciously remembered them, I realized we had "every possible relationship" to each other. Then it was like these rays of light connected each of us to the other; and then we merged, but those rays were still there, even though we weren't really separate; and then it was like chakras below and above the body (I had forgotten some schools of thought mention those) merged together in these bright balls of light, one ball above and below us, and then all the connecting paths between us lit up, with certain bright spots, balls of light like our chakras, in certain places. It felt very groovy, and as my perception pulled back a little bit so I could see us almost from the outside, I went Hey! We're that Tree of Life thing, in 3-D! I didn't realize that was connected to the subject. (Perhaps I'm coming upon obvious things that everyone knows, but they're fun nonetheless.) So perhaps the four of us really do "compose the universe," like my first impression gave me.

and

They seem to be getting more casual, I meet them more easily (though they often change form), and they often find my immediate "Let's merge!" approach nothing short of riotous. (I'm glad I'm such entertainment. Sigh.) Maybe there is some kind of diplomatic relationship one is supposed to have prior to this announced desire, like buying your date dinner first.

In fairness, I didn't really make anything all that special of this because I was having so much other experience around then, in the 93-95 era. Dreaming of Crowley and the Abramelins, of the future, having major waking visions, and the weird experiences that somehow blended alien, faery, and inorganics all in one, there was so much OTHER stuff going on that in the scheme of things, although they were special, they were just one of many 'weirdities' in my life.

I didn't realize until later this was also about them:

January, 1995

The first section was all about my "energy;" somehow breathing was not the only cyclical thing I did, but it was as if there were dozens of things my "body" did (maybe below the conscious level or even below the physical), and I was trying to get them aligned, and noting that many of them were blocked, it was like if you were watching a whole group of waveforms and they were crashing into each other instead of moving harmoniously together. Anyway, so I got most of them aligned OK, and my breathing evened out.

The second section was about humanity, the same sort of thing as with the first dream, except it was on a larger scale; more items to "synchronize" and with the overall world, not just myself.

The third section was something related to the first two, but hard to describe. There was some acknowledgement of everything (energy) in the world feeding into this one eventual unit, kind of like a drain, the way the energy swirled around in a vortex before going into this one place/thing. But there was this sort of distraction, it was as if just above that layer of "going into one" understanding, there were four "units" which would be better called "collective energy with a representative identity" that everything flowed into according to its matching nature. I was repeatedly trying to get past the four and back to the one which I knew was the real source, and the whole point of things. I varied back and forth between the two perspectives of one or four.

Anyway, I don't really know what all this has to do with anything, except the four elements of nature seem the obvious symbolism here.

Wow, funny. I didn't pick up that quote till today, and I'd forgotten the detail. Terms like 'distraction' and 'the whole point of things', energy and alignment and blocks -- are all part of the last day talking about the subject. Which is... what. Two months shy of 15 years later!

Well after 15 years I guess it's fair to say it's not going away soon.

The Consortium (also called The Coalition in the early days), I blogged about my meeting with them in The Tower, introduced to me by The Senior, shortly after I had met Nero, the first of them.

There were a bunch of people there, which was confusing. There is only me and the three after all. I looked for my mate, and there he was; I walked over and put my arm around him, and tried to kind of curl up and hide against his chest, like a shy child might with their mother. I felt intensely shy about all these other people, as if they were more than I was ready to deal with.

...They are 'of' you as well, the senior told me. I held harder to the third, not wanting to see. It was hard enough accepting that my soul could somehow have three others involved with it---let alone that I was a 'smaller perspective' than they were, and the fourth of four---that took years.

... There must have been about 12-16 other people there.

... It is already so, you know, he said. It is only a matter of acceptance. He was quoting me back at me!---I wrote that about my 'Abyss' experience back in my Bewilderness days. I gathered up my courage and agreed, and turned to greet them.

The people spread out from the four of us, and I had the definite sense of a geometric, fractal pattern, that the combination of us "composed" something. Long ago, I had merged with the three and had a similar sense.

... This time, there were lights less like white energy ball-spheres, and more like small but intensely bright glimmering things, and each person had several of them. We all connected together, as if the several we each carried were all fitted into a net or matrix or sorts, a pattern, somewhat spread out. I gazed on it from the inside and suddenly realized: it's like being within the stars. Like a star-map in 3D, like floating in space.

Every man and every woman is a star, I remembered once reading, and then I remembered my experience with a universe as an idea incarnate. My relationship within the four is of one nature; the added people are more than an expansion, they are more like a... like a different nature of connectivity

I'm biased, sure, but I suspect that in Cambodia, those temple towers with four faces? That this is a symbol for what I call "the four-fold soul".


I also suspect that in Vedic art, those gods with 8 arms or more? That this is how they are representing four (or more) personas in one. That the arms each holding a different object or symbol represent different identity-focuses.



So while on one hand I find nothing in "Western writings" to make me feel sane, to match my own experience, I suspect that some of that stuff in the East might.


My friend L was googling trying to find anything that would describe something similar like a group soul, or being one in four. He found this rather fascinating sync. This is I guess a book excerpt about someone's NDE. http://www.dharma-talks.com/soul_group.htm This syncs to The Four:

I noticed three other light fragments that became brighter. They had silhouette shapes. Not clearly defined but I recognized them as other beings. It seemed like they were separating themselves from the light and coming to me. As they did, I could sense them projecting “welcome home” as if we were family and that there was joy in our reunion. I never had those strong feelings in life. This felt stronger and more binding than anything I had experienced in my life. I was now home, together with these beings. Since then, I have come to call them my Soul Group or Soul Family.

And this syncs to the Consortium:

Beyond the original three, there were more light beings coming and joining us. They didn't really communicate, at least not in a way that you and I are accustomed to. There were maybe a dozen in all. Some of them were behind others so I couldn’t see them as clearly as the ones closest to me, but they were all around me. These others were like family, but not as close as the first three.

Huh. I don't know... seems like a big coincidence. I don't know how long it took L googling to find that but it seems the only thing he found. Of course we both know of the 'group soul' concept from Jane Roberts's works. It was the one thing I always found hardest to understand or accept, so it's so ironic it would be the one that has played the biggest part in my experience.

I wanted to know myself. Truly. That has led me to The Four, and eventually to the twelve. The Third of Four told me he worked with other groupings too.

Is there some point to this eventually, I wonder?

For the moment I feel like I just need to be consistent, and trust, and see where it takes me.

PJ

Aeon Round, 25nov09

Wed evening. It's after 10:30pm and I have no more excuse to avoid doing the Aeon Round (as I am calling it, going around the circle of the Aeons with the mantra prayer) which I should have done this morning before work, and as it's a lovely avoidance of the Archmed I'm supposed to be doing instead, I decide to do that.

My hands change with each, as I imagine touching them in various ways spontaneously, holding hands or hugging, sitting on someone's shoulders if they are a man (or giant statue...), whatever.

Nothing unusual until I reach Marcan. With Marcan I feel him more pronouncedly than usual. My hands together like in the Lord's Prayer, in front of my face, I feel he is putting his hands on the outside of mine, and I pray. But he is so "there with me", literally as if he is nearly-real and his face is just near mine, that after the mantra I just sit there, feeling "with him", close to him, close like someone you are not quite kissing.

And then finally he merges into me, and I don't feel any rush at all, but I feel quite sincerely that this is successful and that I and He are now 'we'. I feel my hands are also his, my perspective is also his, and that he is getting as used to me as I am to him in this.

It does not feel quite like the rapport-merge that some remote viewing can bring. It is not like a foreign-person, like a me-plus-something-else. It is more like another aspect of myself, but which does have its own personality, becoming "a larger percentage of the conscious-me", like a me-expanded.

We move on to Hot Amanakhaton and there is a difference, I feel. I am WE, now. How WE relate to HA is not quite the same as how I relate to him. It's like a formula and it has changed a little. I find that interesting.

We move to Jared and El Nino and are clasping his hand, the other on El Nino's forward flank, and somehow it feels like our relationship is a little... different. I don't have a word for the feeling. I have the distant, humorous observation that this has some relationship to Jared sometimes drinking too much and singing loudly during those times, that some of Marcan's energy is part of that. I feel in a subtle way that this has told me something about Jared I didn't know myself, that I got from Marcan.

We move on to Calm´ and she throws her arms around us, and I feel she is more beloved than usual, more adorable-as-small-feminine than usual, and I realize that Marcan is closer, more integrated, with her than I am, perhaps. I feel a slight merge, not too much.

We move on to Maelee and suddenly the difference is clear. It did not before occur to me that just because I might be better integrated with a couple of the Aeons does not mean they are 100% integrated with each other. I mean they're not 100% because they are different, but we all are part of the same larger Being and we overlap. I think at a spiritual level it is fuller than at the conscious level for whatever identity(s) we wear as 'surface personalities'. But I suddenly had the sense that in some kind of 'real life', Maelee did not really accept most the energy of Marcan, much like until recently I had not accepted the energy of any of them, and that although this is only a 'minor' effect for me, it is still a sort of effect. Following on this was a sense that the more I integrate them all 'through' me (as if through-my-middle), the more I actually help all of them in their own individual 'incarnate personalities' integrate with each other. That we all affect one another.

I felt that since I had recently done much with Maelee for us to be more merged, that now that I and Marcan were more-merged-than-usual at this moment, that she would be 'able' to accept more of the energy in me that is also-his, while he and I were merged. A doorway of sorts; a bridge-of-self. I imagined us putting our hands above the the heart and solar plexus chakras of Maelee and sending loving gold energy into her to 'share' it. My whole body from my crown to my toes got energy-shivers like crazy, and we poured energy into her as much as she would take, until the shivers stopped.

We continued to Nedlund. Though I felt some difference, nothing too unusual.

We continued to Nero, and we exclaimed with joy and threw our arms around each other. I got such body-rushing then from the merge, and realized with some surprise that this was ME -- I mean, that Marcan is better integrated with Nero than I am and I was getting the merge effect from a greater-energy with Nero, thanks to my merge with Marcan. We did the mantra then, and then Nero joined us in the merge.

I considered my bedroom walls as a tri-une entity. OK, this is a little weird but cool, I thought at them, remembering a dream someone once told me of such an experience, thinking this must be a very 'lite' version of it -- I didn't feel possessed, not like with viewing rapport, it was 'present-but-subtle'. I was wondering how we could be one and three at the same time. Then I remembered, one or both of them reminding me, that I am one and four at the same time when I am Four of Four, and it is the same, feels about the same, at least as far as the one-and-multiple perspectives combined does.

I looked at my laptop screen, at the round of the Aeons I have on the background, that I keep up while doing the meditation, noting the pics of Marcan and Nero with some quirky interest, feeling their different perspectives on the pictures. And you? I felt. My picture isn't on there. I imagined how I looked. Then I tilted the screen to reflect me, darkly. Eyes rather like that picture of Bohleren, one of them thought, I wasn't sure which. I felt pleased that they were pleased to see me, as if emotion somehow was amplified when the same one was felt by more than one of us at a time.

I remembered something I recently read that kinda referred to that, in the latest Wheel of Time book, between an Aes Sedai and her Warder, and I wondered idly if Robert Jordan, whose 'weave' approach to energy is remarkably useful as a real model in energy work (wish I'd had it a long time ago), might have been bringing forth a lot of truth in his writing, even without knowing it, as his own relationship with his own Aeons even if he were oblivious to it.

We then turned as-three to do the last mantra of the Round, the one where I imagine merging with The Four and then doing it once again 'as' them and 'through' them 'to' all 12 of the Aeons. It was very different though. I could feel that they were more able to integrate with the Third of Four than with the first two. Still, less with him than me. Much of the first two was opaque to them. I wondered if perhaps it is different for them. Do they have their own, different version of -- or just different -- The Four? Who knows? I didn't feel an answer to that.

I couldn't tell if they were not integrated, or if the two did not choose to share. Sometimes in the past, they -- especially the Senior -- do not choose to share with me, either. I have such a sense of 'Holy and powerful' from him, and 'Spiritual royalty' from her, that I do not question this. It isn't even my place. It's just an honor to have any part of them when we are merged, I feel. I'd like to be more flippant as I am about many things but the sense of awe with them is too real, still. So I don't know why I felt they were not at all sharing/overlapping with Nero and Marcus -- even though it was, ironically, the Senior who brought me the Consortium the first time, to merge with, when I was afraid of all of them and clung to the Third like a child.

Finished with that, we considered Bolehren, Taan, L'Anna and Ray, whom I had already done the mantra-prayer with prior to Marcan. I imagined the triune of us (me, Marcan and Nero) merging with them. It was rather odd. I expected to feel... I dunno. More aware. Larger. I actually felt "denser" -- but not really in a good way. More like... more complicated, but not more clear; with more energy but not necessarily more power, as some degree of... singularity is required for that conversion.

I had thought that I would get some kind of a rush. Actually there were these... you might call them "subtle rivulets of energy" that I could feel somewhere "deep inside" like spiritually, the side-effect of the merge for them, because of the differing integrations that each of us have with the others, but not in my body anywhere, nothing. I was puzzled.

But why? I asked them all, going through the list of them now 'in' me and then letting my perspective just feel... changed. I think it was Nero who said, because you only get what we ALL can share, and the more of us together, the smaller a grouping of energy that is. I struggled to get my brain around this idea.

Why wouldn't more of them "in" me be more powerful, not less? That felt completely counter-intuitive!

Opacity, is the word that came to mind, and I wondered if it was Ithikah commenting helpfully on observing this, as I saw and felt as the word rolled out in me, a variety of shapes coming together like in a computer graphic to demonstrate. So to translate, hopefully accurately here, and to make it simplistic and math-based:

If L'Anna and I share points 1-5 energy, and Ray and I share points 3-8 energy, and L'Anna and Ray share points 1-2 and 6-7 energy, then when I am 'me' I have 'access to points 1-8. But as-me, I have a sort of extra strength in 1-5 from L'Anna, extra from 3-8 from Ray, and twice as much extra in 1-2 and 6-7 because I have both of them 'supporting' that energy in me. But if we are literally together, merged, not just me-having-access to them, then points 3-5 and 8 are sort of 'suppressed or dimmed' because either Ray and/or L'Anna cannot 'allow/absorb/merge' with that energy.

Of course, 1-2 and 6-7 are extra-strong because all of us are integrated 'with' that energy. So it becomes a sort of trade-off. If I were doing something that really needed 1-2 and 6-7, or any of those, and it didn't matter than 3-5 and 8 were pretty much out of the picture, then this would be a good merge to have when doing energy work. If 4 were critical though, then I would probably not want them together with me, because their lack of integration on that point suppresses it in the final merged-identity, despite that both of them share it with me. If I wanted to merge with more than one of them for something requiring point 4, I would need to find an Aeon that one of them shared that point in common with.

This probably makes no sense to anybody else, as I have to render this into an "abstract". I am referring to energy work, healing and magick here, indirectly, and to the "parts of self" which may be best evoked for certain focii. I don't normally give this much thought, but today's Aeon Round just brought it all to focus I guess.

I typed the above and then thought I'd se if we could just have a conversation as I type.

So is the "integrate with me fully" not good for the mantra? I asked the Aeons at large.

Nero: It's good from your perspective, yes. You only control your own focus, though. The focus and integration that each part of our larger Being has, just like your own, is their decision.

Me: But... but what if I want more of this... this energy, this power, this integration? What if the energy of say, Marcan and Maelee is important to me, and I need them to merge more so that I in turn have better access to it? Is that mercenary? Can I help them to integrate better with each other, for the sake of me and our whole larger-Being or group?

Nero: Yes. Though you are unaware of the work you do on that level, what you might call spiritually. But the more focus you give this intent from your physical incarnate focus personality, the more energy you are giving to that spiritual work.

Me: So... I can't "do" it on purpose but my prayers can "help" the part of me that does it on purpose.

Nero: Basically right.

Me: So what would that... that spiritual part of me do, just out of curiosity, to bring about that end result?

Nero: Well it might show up in a vision or meditation and introduce itself to someone who avoided it for years and then laughed at its name.

Me: Wha -- oh! OH! You mean -- you mean like you and me! (I sense he is grinning.) You mean... oh. So... YOU got more... "aware". And as part of your own... evolution, you might say, you began to... encounter "other aspects of a larger self." And as part of that growth process, you... began to encourage those aspects to themselves become more aware, more integrated, with more of their larger self.

I sensed he agreed. I thought about this for a bit.

Me: So you mean that although we may evolve -- I don't much like that word, it's so badly used in the new-age world -- we evolve as individuals, that we also evolve as larger-identities. So this would imply that larger-entities like Angels -- and maybe even God Itself, if It is "the sum of All" as some models say -- is always evolving. And that every smallest part -- blade of grass, as the Buddhists might say -- has a role in the evolution of even the largest parts. And the largest parts become more free and more-of-God in part by aiding the evolution of the smaller parts because those are part of them. Er, I think the whole size and evolution part of this thinking-on-paper is screwing it up. It's not that linear. But if you see what I mean?

Nero: You have the right idea, generally.

Me: So long ago in 'The Rainbow of Soul' theory I wrote in Bewilderness, it was actually the right idea. Just... well, a lot more personalized than I had any idea. Hey. Seth once said part of him was a dog. Another part had been some past Pope. How does that work? Why are none of my Aeons dogs, for example? My Four once showed me that we are all things -- light beings, creatures, aliens, people and many of them, etc. Are we also blades of grass? Bugs? Cats? Kitchen tables?

Nero: All is one. But obviously within that there is a great deal of detail --

Me: But wait. Where would inanimates come into this? I mean ok so let's say all energy is one, fine, we're all so buddhic sounding now I love it, but there is my slant-desk five feet away, made of wood. What Being is that table part of, if any? What spirit would have what to do with it? Is it the guy who designed it? Who made it? Who cut down the tree? Who ran the machine that put the finish on? Who put it in a box? It is part of Me? Is there any way that anything could NOT be part of spirit if consciousness is inherent in every particle of energy? (Yes -- RV and my spiritual life have made me an Accidental Animist, as I say.) But much like I gripe about how the Enochian tablets had no map to humans, I also don't get how my Aeons or the Four have any map to my desk over there. How does it all relate?


I remembered an article I read once about how we constantly trade atoms with every physical thing around us -- so physicists say. The more we are around our cat and our desk chair, the more that they are literally part of us, and we are literally part of them.

I remembered experiences where I have 'gained rapport' with seemingly inanimate objects. A metal recycling bin, for example. I could feel that it was not 'self-aware' and I could feel that our consciousness (for lack of a better word) was able to "merge" -- it has no hard borders -- and that with the addition of mine, it could *almost* communicate, and its perception was radically expanded during that time, from its norm. I remember understanding that IT was having a profoundly spiritual experience. And that when we suddenly gain "cosmic insight" and "become all" or whatever humans have as mystical experiences, that it is, essentially, "sharing a larger perspective" -- just like that locking trashcan was with me -- we do this with 'larger identities'. I was a vastly larger, more complex identity than it. Yet I loved it. It was like a cool drink of water. It was so pure, so simple, comparatively, in a wonderful way. Maybe that is how Angels feel about us.

I supposed those memories were 'answers'.


Me: So... so you're telling me that the wooden desk five feet away is part of my spiritual evolution? I can't decide if this is insightful or retarded.

Ray: Look at your hands.

Me: Hey, it's Ray! OK that's novel. OK my hands. Uh, sorta chubby. Otherwise normal I guess.

Ray: Are they part of you?

Me: Well sure. I guess.

Ray: So why can't the desk be part of you?

Me: It isn't part of my body!

Ray: It sits within your energy field (several of them, actually). It shares many atoms with you and you with it. Yes, much of its composition is energy from other sources, and it is equally those sources in spirit. The tree. Other people. Other objects and locations. But right now the dominant influence by far is you.

Me: Uh. So how would I 'evolve' the desk? Oh my god. I sound like such a moron.

Ray: The same way you contribute to anything else. You send it loving energy.

Me: You think I should love my desk.

Ray: I think you should love anything and everything that is around you or that you come into contact with.

Me: But how can a desk evolve? I mean it's not like it can die and go to heaven or be reincarnated.

Ray: You think a body has to die to evolve?

Me: I -- well, hang on. I guess I assumed. Doesn't it? I mean ok, I could become a lot more... 'aware' as a person. I suppose a table could too but I really feel so stupid even saying that. But at some point... well let's say that a person got so evolved, like a Buddha or something, that they were... uh... larger. Or ready to become larger, like a larger entity. Like some kind of minor Angel, and I use the term loosely as I really don't know the cosmic heirarchy or anything and I'm not really using the biblical definition of them, it's probably more complex than that. OK but doesn't the person have to die in order to... well, to become that new Being?

Ray: If there is no time, how can any Being die? (Or be born, for that matter?)

Me: Well -- oh heck. You're frying my brain! Well how do you move on from being one thing to being another?

Ray: Think about it.

I'm starting to get grumpy now.

Oh. Merging. Ohhhhh................

Me: So... it isn't that you cease being a table and become a dog, cease being a dog and become a person, cease being a person and become an Angel, or whatever. You are always all of those things. The more one is able to ... expand awareness, the more one realizes it. So... so Seth knows that he is a Dog, and a Pope, and Seth, and Jane, and because from HIS perspective he is very 'aware', he knows all that. But as the Dog, he doesn't know.

I thought about this for a bit.

Me: So what's the value to the Dog in all this? How does that poor dog benefit from the expansion of consciousness? What's he get out of it, if he is always and evermore, outside of time, "a dog"?

Ray: Every lifeform has what you might call an absorption point. A degree of sentience that is the maximum potential of that species, physically and energetically. He can, eventually as you might put it in time-terms, become his most Ideal. His reality -- the probabilities he experiences -- would change as this happened as well, of course.

Me: So... so you mean that eventually, he would be like the perfectly sentient spiritual dog having the perfectly blissful joyous life. Er, eventually. Maybe today... or maybe not... but at some point prior to some eventual ultimate evolution of the universe or God, he could be that.

Ray: OK.

Me: And... and the more his... "larger awareness" grew, the more that awareness could HELP him toward that ultimate-evolution-toward-Ideal goal. Like Nero and all of you guys helping me. Which might, actually, be just as much a matter of our larger-Being helping itself to evolve, and ITS larger-being helping it in turn, and... my god! This seems hopelessly complex!

Ray: Actually it is profoundly simple. It is all one dynamic. It operates the same for everything, everyone, under every condition.

Me: I used to say "All things long for evolvement." Even inanimates and bugs, at some level. So... this is true.

Ray: Yes.

Me: But is there value to my becoming 'aware' of 'also being' some % of the atoms in my wooden desk? I mean really, what is the point of these obscure metaphysics?

Ray: Was there value to your awareness with the metal recycling bin?

Me: Oh yeah, that was awesome. Oh. I see. Well what if I don't want to be part of my wooden desk?

Ray: You have the focus you choose. Remove it from your focus if you wish. Your physical proximity to it however will share energy with it, which is another form of focus, as long as it is near you.

Me: Energy is focus? What do you mean? Isn't focus whatever I am thinking about?

Ray: Yes, but there is a level of awareness to all the atoms in your physically manifest forms as well as to all the atoms that used to be part of them (or that will be part of them). There is a difference between what is inherently part of you and what you choose to pay attention to. You can change many things in your reality based on what you pay attention to, but from the perspective of your physical personality, everything that shares energy with your physical form is a part of you. You might think of it, as an analogy, as like DNA. You can 'invoke' or 'manifest' certain aspects of your genetics, while suppressing others as 'latent', but it is all part of you.

Me: I see. I think. (I sat quietly for awhile, thinking.) Ray, earlier today I was thinking about my idealized self. I had this incredible dream many years ago where I met her. It was like an alternate self. I was so in love with her. I so wanted to be her. I wanted to even be near her. She made me feel so awesome. It seems odd you would bring up the 'Ideal' self of things on the very day I was having these thoughts, when I haven't thought of that in so many years.

Ray: As Taan said previously, we are always with you. This conversation did not begin when you became aware of it. It has been and will be going on, is one way of putting it.

Me: Wait. You mean... you mean this talk we're having now, you are... interacting with me, like 12 hours ago, which is why I am -- I mean, was -- thinking about that?

Ray: Yes. It always works that way, you know. Much of what you dismiss as "imagination" because it ties into experience or ideas that you had recently is simply a matter of experience and communication having a broader span of time overall, in your terms, than what your conscious mind is actively aware of. So you noticed a character especially in a TV show, and then met L'Anna later who told you she had encouraged your 'awareness' of this character as your feelings toward the pretty doctor/scientist/healer were a good model for a relationship with her. This did not make her imagination, it simply was because her communication with you spanned a range before your conscious introduction to and acceptance of her as what you call an Aeon.

Me: That is such a dumb name, by the way. My friends think I'm such a retard, I'm sure of it. Why does this word come to mind to name you guys that, rather than Guides? OK I know why not-guides, I feel the difference. But why that term?

Ray: It has a combination of meanings, and relationship inside you, that make it appropriate.

Me: So... if it has different meanings to my friend Jane, then the term wouldn't really work for Jane even for the same experience.

Ray: Of course.

Me: Well but heck, we would all cease using the same language if that were the case. Every single language would become its own Tower of Babel -- since every perspective is different!

Ray: To a great degree you do all use a different language, for that reason. Much like so-called consensus reality, there is an underlying agreement to meet in the areas that do not conflict. This is as true for language as it is for shared reality -- actually even moreso. You do not by any means truly relate to words the same way, even if you may (mostly) share a dictionary definition of the word.

Me: Oh. Nero?

Nero: Here.

Me: Do you know Ray?

Nero: Yes.

Me: Are you guys fully... uh, integrated?

Nero: No. But we are much moreso than Marcan and Maelee, for example.

Me: OK, well this brings me back to where I began. So... so my own evolution depends on you guys?

Nero: Your own evolution depends on you.

Me: Well yeah but, the larger-me, I have to integrate into that, right, to awareness of that, and then all that awareness has to sort of become aware of each other, which is becoming aware of itself of course, and then -- wait. And then that larger Being would... become aware of... something akin to The Four, or The Consortium, next level up?

Nero: This is more... heirarchical than it should be, but in your models, yes, this is basically the dynamic.

Me: So that means my evolution depends on you!

Ray: What you are not seeing is that at the point where you become aware of a given energy, it becomes part of you. Your definition of "you" changes. So you are not dependent on someone-else for 'your' evolution. You are always, at every moment, dependent on 'you'.

Me: Ah so. I think I see.


Well, the kid came in, so this has to stop and we're going to watch hulu.com instead for awhile.


P.S. I cannot believe I TOTALLY FORGOT this. This morning (was it this morning??) I had begun the Aeon Round and got interrupted. I stopped on Marcan and I was going to do a solo tantric thing and give him all my energy. He works with creative stuff and viewing, he told me, so I thought it would be a good focus (him vs. all the other options). But I couldn't make it happen, just didn't have the energy, and stopped long before completion. I guess I see why I forgot. I have slept twice since then! Albeit naps. It feels like a long time away.

Anyway it can't be coincidence that I was doing that kind of tantra focus on Marcan and then it just so turns out he was the one that I "felt" so physically tonight -- even though I had totally consciously forgotten all about this. I wonder, if I'd succeeded and given him my energy would it still have been that way? Curious.

PJ

Thinking on Paper 24nov09

Since I have made a point to be more 'aware' of my thoughts, to attempt to stop and dissolve negative daydreams, I've had a few thoughts that seem a little more proactive than usual. Hmmmn, maybe if we're not busy with mental masturbation we spend more time in some mental version of getting a life instead. Random thoughts, insights, and wonderings for the moment.


Observation: Nearly all my daydreams are negative, if not in nature then in context. I have now got them in four categories:

1. My Glory, in a negative framework (I am more powerful, more smart, more strong, etc. etc. than another person / group / situation), also known as Me-The-Hero

2. My Glory, in a positive framework which requires a negative context (I am savior, healer, etc. but alas this requires someone or something needing that doesn't it, which means I am still creating the negative as context in that case), also known as Me-The-Savior

Also:

3. My Action Plans, meaning an idea for something I would like to do or be.

4. My Having Plans, meanig an idea for something I would like to have or acquire.

The last two are much briefer and less embroidered than the ordinary types of daydreams in the first two. The latter are more like a rapid, casual "review of potential and probability" for something. I think these probably should not be called daydreams -- since when they become so they usually move into one of the first two categories. I actually think that #3 and #4 are a basic of life that I have just not paid much attention to before now.


Observation: If I make a point to document ideas, musings, insights, any 'good' things like synchronicity, manifestation, etc. it is possible this will be a good thing and will encourage those energies as I am focusing on them. So I want to do that.


Happy chance: We wanted to go see the movie New Moon but didn't have transportation. I thought Tuesday night would be ideal but didn't want to bother my dad to ask for a ride (as we'd done something Monday), so planned Wed instead. We did things we wanted in the evening and just as we were done (ideal timing) a friend called saying they were coming into our city to see the show and would pick us up if we wanted to go. So that worked out well.


Insight: I was observing that my attempt to encourage 'protection' of my 13 year old when she was taking a small plate out of the microwave -- my suggesting she put a paper plate under the plate that she could use as something larger and cooler to grab hold of -- seemed, to her, very uptight. I realized that to her, my ideas and reservations about her plans -- though she had in fact cooked this before and it hadn't burned her then, so she wasn't worried -- seemed, to her, very... old. I realized that since I myself KNEW she'd done it once and been fine, it was odd that I would still be so hesitant, so concerned.

I thought to myself, "Why is it that as people get older, they get so much more conservative?" and into my head came a "thoughtball realization" as an answer.

Pain and fear create small physical changes in the nervous system, intensity and result varying by degree of experience. This is hardwired biologically. It is designed to function in support of human survival.

At high levels, it is a neural shortcut-mapping, such as in PTSD. (This refers to combat/repeat-issues not just 'trauma from a single bad experience'. - P) At low levels it functions more like "filters and filter-sets". These are aggregate; they are cumulative in each person.

Note that this "filter" term is used as a concept function-model. It is not a literal-model, biologically.


Every time you have hurt yourself when taking something out of a microwave, a filter has been applied to better protect you from future experience. (Usually this functions as an 'avoidance' or 'plan ahead' or 'be careful' effect.) As a mother your filters are applied to the projected future of your child.

You have many years of collected "filters" so to speak. Enough in number that these even override other intellectual knowings that might otherwise make them seem moot; this collection causes you to be "more careful than is actually necessary for that situation." Even when you know that something is unlikely to hurt you, often you plan ahead protectively anyway, to avoid any potential of pain or mishap.

As people age, their filter-collection as we are calling it, grows, not only in variety, but it cumulates in some areas, ranging from "human relationships" to "cooking," in this example. The added filters and filter-sets gradually make a person more inhibited, more careful, more "conservative" as you call it.

But she (daughter) at age 13 has not had the same experience-set. She is less careful because she is less worried. And she is less worried because she has fewer filters on the experience or situation warning her to be so.

I found that interesting. I had a few "wondering questions" in response to that thoughtball, which resulted in the following additional info:

Verbally warning someone, often with great drama, is an attempt to manually create filters. It is a natural inclination particularly of parents, to share the RESULT of experience vicariously, to prevent that actual experience being necessary.

and

'Awareness' reduces the creation of filters by avoiding many of the experiences which create them in the first place. You have often been 'unaware' when going about your daily life. Your focus has often been in your work, your daydreams, or simply "diffused" or "outside the body" as you call it, or "20 minutes into the future" as you say. You have in this case hurt yourself on many occasions due solely to inattention [subthought: pain can be an attempt to bring your attention back to the here-now [subsubthought: all pain is a plea for attention from some part of the Self]].

This has created additional 'filters' in your body on the experiential-context of taking food out of the microwave. These were not necessary. They did not provide any new information that you did not already have, nor any new filters for situation or context that you did not already have. The pain, and the resulting fear of pain, simply added to the cumulation of filters on that experience overall. Now, you are not merely cautious, you are over-cautious, even when you have sufficient information to know that you (or your child) in a given instance do not need to be.

This changes your behavior; it changes a small aspect of what you might call your personality. This is one [subthought: of many] side-effect of living with less awareness.

What you might think of as being "more open" or "more free" or "more relaxed" or "more flexible" particularly in what you think of as "old age", relates to the protective filters the nervous system has accumulated over the course of a person's lifetime. The less 'aware' the person was, often the more trauma (both physical and emotional) the person has experienced [subthought: referring to the above example of creating more layers-of-filters even when unnecessary [subsubthought: 'more awareness' has other effects such as changing the understanding or framework of experience which can also greatly reduce the fear/pain auto-response of the body]], resulting gradually with age in a "personality" which is hesitant, afraid to take risks or try new things. [Subthought: this is why you once observed that mystics seemed more 'free' when elderly than the average person; they have fewer 'inhibitive-filters' due to living with more awareness in previous years of life.]

Children are less hesitant, less afraid, and more inclined to take risks, because they do not have those protective filters that greater experience builds.

What you sometimes call "learning the same lesson the hard way, repeatedly" has a more lasting effect than merely the experience at the time. Failing to modify decision or behavior so as to avoid having the same pain-based experience, brings multiple layers of filters on the same situation. This can result in what you might call inhibition, or in more developed cases eventually, neurosis.

Well. I asked, I guess!

PJ