The pattern is this: some 'more powerful' identity (a parent, a big corporation) will do something "invasive and harmful" in my life, and it will be injust or unfair (unwarranted). For example, a company might wrongly debit my account for a lot of money I need, when they aren't supposed to and they admit it, and then take weeks to get it back to me. Or they will do something actually illegal (I once later was part of a class action suit against BofA). Usually the issue is one thing but there is some problem caused by that issue as a second effect too.
In any case, it's basically being put in a position where I am utterly powerless against something or someone who is hurting me in some way. Sure, I survive, my friends are always impressed at how I manage to 'deal with' the unfortunate and unfair circumstance of that sort. But I shouldn't be having it in the first place. This has gone on since childhood. Then, it was mostly issues with parent/teacher figures. When I reached early adulthood it moved to the workplace and then out to the world of utility companies, big corporations, my ex-husband, even the IRS.
It's always something. The pattern, the energy, is the same.
So this morning (Tue 11/24) I woke up before my alarm and had time to wake up nicely and consider what kind of meditation I should do while sitting up in the dark with my blankets around my shoulders. I told IG I wanted to meditate on the archetype of that.
Just telling her gave me a gut-level fear feeling. When my friend mentioned I should do an archmed on this, even that conversation gave me the same feeling. I expected the arch to be some kind of monster.
Archetype Meditation:
Actually I couldn't see it at first. Not uncommon with things I have trouble facing or dealing with. Then I saw a piece of it, a metal outer wall with patterns, and my whole body shuddered with shivers when I saw it. I couldn't see anything else, and I imagined walking around it and then looking again. The same thing happened. I went around it and then attempted to go over it, which is when I realized it was unbelievably huge, tall. It is a structure of some kind. Imagine a cross between a skyscraper and a Borg Cube and you have a good idea of what it looks like.
At the top there was something offbeat. In one place it looked unfinished, like under construction, and I trembled violently -- I mean it was SO strong how hard shivers just rocked my whole body every time I 'saw' a new 'piece' of the archetype -- as I looked at it. As if just seeing it was some kind of merge or opening. Another part of it on top seem burned somehow, like melted to black.
I had the impression while looking at the top that this could take a Jedi framework for my working, some use-the-force-Luke, because while it might LOOK like a cross between a skyscraper and a Borg Cube, it FELT like Darth Vader's DEATH STAR, hahaha! Like this big, overwhelming, ridiculously powerful, force of 'authority'.
I might add I have never had merge-like effects just from SEEing an archetype before. In fact I only had it on merging until with my current IG when I sometimes started getting it during an archmed if I were sending much energy (like with the giant red dragon) as part of the process.
Wed afternoon (11/25). I have never less felt like doing any meditation in my life. It feels like it won't even work. Why even try, I tell myself. But I have time, and it's quiet, so I make myself walk through the whole long cave process (despite the tree on my plateau now. I felt I might get more into it with more effort) to see IG again. Of course, I fell asleep instead.
Wed night (11/25). I had put off doing the Aeon Round but since I was in denial of this archmed I did that. And blogged that. Then watched hulu.com with the kid. And managed to do away with many more hours of not-doing this meditation.
My heater in my climate control system in the house quit working. I wonder what that means as some symbolic, creating-my-reality symbol. That wondering killed a little time. It's so hilarious that I'm lucky to have the attention span of a gnat about most things until I'm in denial of something like meditation, at which point I can ponder some other trivial idea for hours.
I have a small electric space heater. It quit working too! I need to finish the meditation before any other bizarre "helplessness" symbol crops up or gets worse.
Thurs 11:30pm. I take the long way into my archetype working area and look at IG. My beautiful goddess-like guide, I say to her affectionately. I want to finish this meditation. I want to be courageous. I have the inner feeling that someday it will not be ok to open up a meditation like this and leave it open or unfinished. That the power inherent will be dangerous, moreso than the simple things I do now. I want to learn to face these things squarely and deal with them. She brought back the archetype, and the gigantic skyscraper-borgcube-thing rose impossibly high in front of me, only visible in places, mostly 'sensed'.
Bring me all that would most help me, I told her, yelling Jupiter! in my mind at the same moment although I have no idea why, it almost seemed to happen without my intent. A large man (Jupiter the archetype) appeared just behind my right shoulder. I looked at the collection of archetypes, and some Aeons, behind me, maybe guides, quite a few things/people I couldn't define well. I pulled them all into me. Then I considered. I could feel a reduction, as well as increase, in both power and focus, and considered what Ray etc. had taught me about that.
Then I pushed them all out of me and stood alone. Please link into me, I said with a sigh, imagining that we were 'connected' energetically. I think perhaps I am meant to learn to deal with things directly anyway. I think maybe hiding behind or within powerful other identities is not the right approach from now on.
I stopped. I looked again at the big collection of 'people'. One of them felt... not quite right. Not fully in favor of me. Not overtly bad, just not really one with my intent. Feeling as if some part of me I don't normally access was operating, which felt a little like the Senior, I reached out with energy and with a feeling of warrior, just obliterated the whole sense of human form and identity into nothing but energy, and then I slammed the energy with an intent at lightning and transformation to brighter and dissolution of everything that was not "Will of Mine" and then I sucked it all into my solar plexus, like some energy equivalent of eating your enemy's heart you just ripped out of his chest. I turned to IG, feeling as if I'd done something kind of sudden and ruthless and heard myself saying to her something like, "MY space. MY Will. I'll not abide anything that does not support me." She nodded her head, as if she expected this of me and was not surprised.
Well I certainly was. But the part of me that was, felt rather far away. It kinda wondered, is this a bad thing? But the dominant me answered no. Everything in there is part of ME. I am the Master of me. All energy here is OF me, and will serve me and my Will.
.... alrighty then...
I went up to the top of the arch. The burned part needs fixing, I decided. I attempted to remove it, but that didn't work. Then I attempted to just fix it, heal it, but that didn't work either. I pulled back and considered. I could feel that it just wasn't enough. Wasn't deep enough. I need to heal ME, I observed, and although the archetype is, technically, part of that, I think I need to do this directly.
I shifted perspectives and looked at my body, as a body of a person standing in the archetype world (not the me sitting on my bed), and I said, "Show me what I need to heal." I was shocked when I realized there were arrows protruding out of the back, in a straight line across the back, many next to each other. I created a medical table and put my/her body on it face down.
It was horrible. There were seven arrows stuck deeply into the body right at heart level from one side to the other. The entire area however was open like a deep gash or chasm in the earth. And it was filled with black, some vile wounding by evil not just by an arrow, as if there was some poisonous blackness on the arrowheads that had festered and spread in the gash-wound and now looked like some kind of chunky blackness, like lava rock made into a jello texture.
(Note: just earlier today, I dreamed of this deep energy-blackness that these men, of whom I was watching yet also one of, were using, as a powerful magick, that was effective against a powerful enemy, yet did nearly as much damage to them while using it as it did to the other side. It was both murder and suicide, eventually, but they bore it with terrible stoicism, assumedly for some greater good at their own expense. In the dream I felt profound, deep compassion for them and wanted to heal them, to relieve their suffering. I didn't until just now connect the blackness or warfare symbols to the earlier dream I'd half forgotten by now. Also: there was one symbol, of thin metal 'casing' tube in the body ('through the right shoulder front to back' in this case) which is just like the symbol in the archmed of 8/31/09).I pulled out the arrows, all seven (the number seemed significant somehow) one by one and dropped them on the other side of the body. My mate of the Four was there, the Third, and he took them and did something with them to make them inert and harmless. (That is unusual. The Four are not usually present in archetype work.) When all seven were pulled out, I put my hands over the back and 'pulled up' with great intent, sort of 'sucking' the blackness out, and it raised into the air and began accumulating.
It had a weird perceptual effect. I was imagining all this (of course), some pieces more 'autonomously self-creative' than others, some more vivid than others, but the blackness had a completely different visual and sense feel. Imagine that you are looking at a page in a magazine and it has a picture and everything is slick and glossy and surreal and everything looks like a realistic but quality "illustration" but then right in the middle is this flat matte-finish, real-looking THING, as if it is somehow in full 3D reality while everything else is not-quite-real 2D. No gloss or reflection or 'drawing' impression. Real in a kind of brutal and ugly way.
I forced more darkness out of the body. I could feel there were pieces, even like atom-sized pieces, all over, and I focused my will and DRAGGED them out of the body, every bit that I could find, together. I put a stasis field over the big gash across the back and moved the body away and focused on the blob of blackness. I put my hands around it, asked all the onlookers for assistance, asked for the Angelics who put their hands on my back, and worked on making inert and then transmuting all that energy, removing the physical from less-so, dissolving it all into nothing but gold light, and then I had the feeling that I should let it go, and three that I felt were the others of The Four took the energy themselves, into their solar plexus chakras. I had the feeling they would be more competent at making it truly 'theirs' and not harmful. I let it go and turned back to the body and wound.
There were "seven empty cylinders of pain" across the back, as if that were their title, somehow. How odd, I thought, as if each arrow had left literally a fat, deep little 'cylinder' shape totally 'open' in the body, as if nothing was there anymore; whatever had been there had been absorbed into the blackness and was now gone, so it was empty. I imagined a fluid that would fill them and it seemed to have its own life, a thin, slightly viscuous silvery fluid that filled each cylinder area exactly to the top. Then I asked for a healing salve for all the space in the gash around and between these and something more golden showed up, like a thick gel, and I filled the body with it. I sensed the gel healing first, the body 'growing' new inner flesh etc. as needed, until it was healed to the surface and skin regrew. Then I asked the silver fluid to heal, and it did something similar, but it took longer, as it got thicker and mirrored the body and seemed to 'match the pattern' like DNA and then thickened until it 'grew' into body itself and finally came up to the surface, and as skin covered the last of it I put my hands over it and imagined energy throughout the body.
I returned into my virtual body and went back to the top of the roof. I rebuilt the burned areas at the top on one side, using author Jordan's concept of 'weave' to imagine doing so of fine strands of light, and it was finally ok.
I attempted to just remove the 'under construction' portion of building on the other side but that didn't work. I wanted to just wipe it out, destroy it, remove it, dissolve it, get rid of it. The solution to an enemy is not to feed that same energy, I heard. It is to heal the darkness that causes its pain. I thought that might be The Queen. It was difficult as I really did not FEEL like healing it beyond that one part I'd already done. I felt like obliterating it and eating its energy like I had the figure in my space. I finally closed my eyes and asked that "Divine Will" be the guide on whatever should be done there and let it be so. It was then finished building, though it was a bit different shape there than before.
I had the visual sense of a dog suddenly. I thought for a moment I was daydreaming, where did that come from?! Then I realized -- I had forgotten:
Long ago, maybe before blogging, I had a profoundly powerful spontaneous meditation (aka "vision") where I was in the upper story of a building being built-out. The building was 3 stories high and it was 'me'. The upper story was spiritual stuff. But it was so dusty, abandoned, with wood and workman's tools all over. And when I got to the top of the stairs where I knew I normally entered, a large dog was lying there, not just dead but 'dessicated' somehow. I knew that he was my best friend there, and I loved him hugely, and that he had died starving, waiting for me to return, and I had completely abandoned him. I fell to my knees bawling on him and cried and cried. I came out of the vision, considered it, and then bawled awhile more. More than once in the years since I have returned to the abandoned upper shell of that house and the stillness and the body of the dog, mourning him. Well just recently I found myself there again and I refused to accept it, and I poured energy into it and told it to wake up and continue, and then I went to find my dog and I sat there and just poured energy from hands and every chakra into his body until it started to flesh out, and then turned a normal color, and then finally started to come alive again, until all the sudden he was there, knocking me backward and licking my face and so happy to see me and I nearly bawled all over again. That was just... a few days ago I think.
Who knows why but my dog-friend was there. I threw my arms around him and gave him energy and told him I was sorry for forgetting him--again--for a few days. Then I noticed the interesting sync of that 3-story house that was 'me' and this giant skyscraper-borgcube-thing that was the archetype. What did the partial-building-out mean? Was there some sync between me and it? Was the dog bringing this to my attention?
I stood on the roof and imagined the rain of love, the light, the gel, the wind, etc. pouring down on me and it, and at the end of that, the size of the building had reduced from 'monster' to 'ordinary' sized. I made myself big and put my hands around it and imagined sending energy into it to 'heal' it but it didn't feel like that was working.
Some things you cannot heal from the outside, I heard. I dropped to normal sized and walked through its front door, into the middle of the building which went all the way to the top, like hollow, and was surrounded by windows across the top and sides. (Reminded me briefly of a room in my arch-world that my Sun once took me to.) I imagined my root chakra connecting with the earth's core, and my crown chakra connecting with the galaxy's center, and pulling energy through me, and I began to send energy out.
It isn't enough, I heard. I 'understood' then that I would need to allow more opening and activation of all my chakras in order for this to happen, and that I had been refusing this for a very long time. I didn't even question it, feeling suddenly much like I had near the beginning when reacting to the sense of a presence not fully supportive, and I just 'did' it, made the decision to allow and moved on with it, without much thought. It was simply done. Distantly I sensed this was as ruthless as the other had been. This would have plenty of side-effects. They were not important. The power was what was important. I projected energy from me like crazy and it infused the building and that seemed to work.
I went outside it and considered. It was normal looking now. I had done everything that normally is required and then some. I looked at IG.
I felt nothing, I said flatly. Something just doesn't seem right. I don't FEEL anything. No shivers, no rushing, no warmth. No sense of merging. NOTHING in my body -- nothing at all. As if the entire experience had zero kinesthetic element. As if the entire thing were mental and less real. Tonight's work, I mean. I know it is just as valid; it was just as spontaneous as other good work, I don't doubt the soundness of it. Only that it seemed like I should be feeling something more physically and I wasn't.
Yeah I know she has told me more than once that 'feeling' is not the proper measure of what has value or has worked. But this feels like it ought to have been present. Somewhere. Like I am just not DONE with this until I FEEL something. And I know that but I don't know what else to do. I'm missing something.
I told IG I would return later. The archmed is done but there is something I need to do that I haven't yet grasped. Maybe the Four will know. I will visit them soon.
PJ
2 comments:
Hm, interesting. Often I have these dreams where there is a room where I have various pets, the kinds of pets vary, except often I have not been there in a while and have neglected them and many are dead or dying. Over time, though, it seems there are less dead ones, just some decently healthy ones and some sick ones. Maybe this is progress! But it actually makes me feel really good to think I could bring any dead of sick ones back to full health. Until now, I didn't realize I felt so guilty about killing dream pets!
One time, circa 1995, I had this experience. I was not really asleep. I was about 10% there. It was one of those super "astral" things where you FEEL it in your body TOTALLY.
I felt something inside me, like a 'thing' that was growing or oozing into a more-solid cohesive mass, and was getting larger and more solid and "trying to get out of me". (I can't find the original right now to quote from but I have it somewhere on some computer, must look.) It "slithered out of my skin" !! -- it was totally black like oil or tar -- and I could so *physically feel it* when it "got out of me". It felt so GOOD even though it actually was very uncomfortable as it got out but it felt so good when GETTING out like it was this great release of energy I guess, something that needed to happen, something that left me feeling so much better and freer in that area.
Well this happened numerous times, all on one side of my body, in various places. After many times of this, there was this GIGANTIC one, it actually kinda scared me it was so huge like it would really hurt me getting out of me, and it pushed and pushed on my lower back to the side of my spine, far too large to easy exit. It was like a bowel movement, like giving birth, some huge venting of an oversized solid object. It hurt! A deep aching hurt, not a sharp pain. I was gasping and maybe crying out just a little as it slowly forced its way to the surface and then pushed itself out through my skin.
I was exhausted but so relieved when it was out, feeling so much lighter. This and all the other black liquid-energy shapes slithered to the ground around me, merged, varied awhile, and then separated into various forms around my feet -- the forms of animals, like a black lab, and a cat, and a couple other things -- and then looked up at me as if I was their master, and they were happy, and we were all friends.
I have often encountered 'black' stuff in experiences that later made me feel worried that perhaps this means bad, evil, whatever. The creatures seemed 'of me' and only friendly. I had no idea why the energy basically 'tried to escape me' like that. (However I was going through some radical energy stuff [for the worse] then so maybe some really WERE.)
I told an occultist friend about this. He's a walking encyclopedia on everything, from experience to ancient documents. He said, "astral zits. Don't worry about it." That shocked me. I guess I could see that model of it but it seemed yuckier than my own models.
Anyway so that energy that became critters at my feet, the dog thumping a tail, the cat half-closing its eyes in affection, made me wonder if sometimes our pets are part of us more literally than we realize.
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