Archmed: Authority & Helplessness

Into my life, since childhood and still alas ever-present, is a certain "pattern of energy" that I have recognized more than once as a huge problem. Despite recognizing it, I haven't "got around to" meditating on it. Which might have continued if my friend hadn't just pointed it out. If it's so obvious it's even apparent to other people it's a major recurring issue I need to meditate on, I guess it's time.

The pattern is this: some 'more powerful' identity (a parent, a big corporation) will do something "invasive and harmful" in my life, and it will be injust or unfair (unwarranted). For example, a company might wrongly debit my account for a lot of money I need, when they aren't supposed to and they admit it, and then take weeks to get it back to me. Or they will do something actually illegal (I once later was part of a class action suit against BofA). Usually the issue is one thing but there is some problem caused by that issue as a second effect too.

In any case, it's basically being put in a position where I am utterly powerless against something or someone who is hurting me in some way. Sure, I survive, my friends are always impressed at how I manage to 'deal with' the unfortunate and unfair circumstance of that sort. But I shouldn't be having it in the first place. This has gone on since childhood. Then, it was mostly issues with parent/teacher figures. When I reached early adulthood it moved to the workplace and then out to the world of utility companies, big corporations, my ex-husband, even the IRS.

It's always something. The pattern, the energy, is the same.

So this morning (Tue 11/24) I woke up before my alarm and had time to wake up nicely and consider what kind of meditation I should do while sitting up in the dark with my blankets around my shoulders. I told IG I wanted to meditate on the archetype of that.

Just telling her gave me a gut-level fear feeling. When my friend mentioned I should do an archmed on this, even that conversation gave me the same feeling. I expected the arch to be some kind of monster.

Archetype Meditation:

Actually I couldn't see it at first. Not uncommon with things I have trouble facing or dealing with. Then I saw a piece of it, a metal outer wall with patterns, and my whole body shuddered with shivers when I saw it. I couldn't see anything else, and I imagined walking around it and then looking again. The same thing happened. I went around it and then attempted to go over it, which is when I realized it was unbelievably huge, tall. It is a structure of some kind. Imagine a cross between a skyscraper and a Borg Cube and you have a good idea of what it looks like.

At the top there was something offbeat. In one place it looked unfinished, like under construction, and I trembled violently -- I mean it was SO strong how hard shivers just rocked my whole body every time I 'saw' a new 'piece' of the archetype -- as I looked at it. As if just seeing it was some kind of merge or opening. Another part of it on top seem burned somehow, like melted to black.

I had the impression while looking at the top that this could take a Jedi framework for my working, some use-the-force-Luke, because while it might LOOK like a cross between a skyscraper and a Borg Cube, it FELT like Darth Vader's DEATH STAR, hahaha! Like this big, overwhelming, ridiculously powerful, force of 'authority'.

I might add I have never had merge-like effects just from SEEing an archetype before. In fact I only had it on merging until with my current IG when I sometimes started getting it during an archmed if I were sending much energy (like with the giant red dragon) as part of the process.

Wed afternoon (11/25). I have never less felt like doing any meditation in my life. It feels like it won't even work. Why even try, I tell myself. But I have time, and it's quiet, so I make myself walk through the whole long cave process (despite the tree on my plateau now. I felt I might get more into it with more effort) to see IG again. Of course, I fell asleep instead.

Wed night (11/25). I had put off doing the Aeon Round but since I was in denial of this archmed I did that. And blogged that. Then watched hulu.com with the kid. And managed to do away with many more hours of not-doing this meditation.

My heater in my climate control system in the house quit working. I wonder what that means as some symbolic, creating-my-reality symbol. That wondering killed a little time. It's so hilarious that I'm lucky to have the attention span of a gnat about most things until I'm in denial of something like meditation, at which point I can ponder some other trivial idea for hours.

I have a small electric space heater. It quit working too! I need to finish the meditation before any other bizarre "helplessness" symbol crops up or gets worse.

---

Thurs 11:30pm. I take the long way into my archetype working area and look at IG. My beautiful goddess-like guide, I say to her affectionately. I want to finish this meditation. I want to be courageous. I have the inner feeling that someday it will not be ok to open up a meditation like this and leave it open or unfinished. That the power inherent will be dangerous, moreso than the simple things I do now. I want to learn to face these things squarely and deal with them. She brought back the archetype, and the gigantic skyscraper-borgcube-thing rose impossibly high in front of me, only visible in places, mostly 'sensed'.

Bring me all that would most help me, I told her, yelling Jupiter! in my mind at the same moment although I have no idea why, it almost seemed to happen without my intent. A large man (Jupiter the archetype) appeared just behind my right shoulder. I looked at the collection of archetypes, and some Aeons, behind me, maybe guides, quite a few things/people I couldn't define well. I pulled them all into me. Then I considered. I could feel a reduction, as well as increase, in both power and focus, and considered what Ray etc. had taught me about that.

Then I pushed them all out of me and stood alone. Please link into me, I said with a sigh, imagining that we were 'connected' energetically. I think perhaps I am meant to learn to deal with things directly anyway. I think maybe hiding behind or within powerful other identities is not the right approach from now on.

I stopped. I looked again at the big collection of 'people'. One of them felt... not quite right. Not fully in favor of me. Not overtly bad, just not really one with my intent. Feeling as if some part of me I don't normally access was operating, which felt a little like the Senior, I reached out with energy and with a feeling of warrior, just obliterated the whole sense of human form and identity into nothing but energy, and then I slammed the energy with an intent at lightning and transformation to brighter and dissolution of everything that was not "Will of Mine" and then I sucked it all into my solar plexus, like some energy equivalent of eating your enemy's heart you just ripped out of his chest. I turned to IG, feeling as if I'd done something kind of sudden and ruthless and heard myself saying to her something like, "MY space. MY Will. I'll not abide anything that does not support me." She nodded her head, as if she expected this of me and was not surprised.

Well I certainly was. But the part of me that was, felt rather far away. It kinda wondered, is this a bad thing? But the dominant me answered no. Everything in there is part of ME. I am the Master of me. All energy here is OF me, and will serve me and my Will.

.... alrighty then...

I went up to the top of the arch. The burned part needs fixing, I decided. I attempted to remove it, but that didn't work. Then I attempted to just fix it, heal it, but that didn't work either. I pulled back and considered. I could feel that it just wasn't enough. Wasn't deep enough. I need to heal ME, I observed, and although the archetype is, technically, part of that, I think I need to do this directly.

I shifted perspectives and looked at my body, as a body of a person standing in the archetype world (not the me sitting on my bed), and I said, "Show me what I need to heal." I was shocked when I realized there were arrows protruding out of the back, in a straight line across the back, many next to each other. I created a medical table and put my/her body on it face down.

It was horrible. There were seven arrows stuck deeply into the body right at heart level from one side to the other. The entire area however was open like a deep gash or chasm in the earth. And it was filled with black, some vile wounding by evil not just by an arrow, as if there was some poisonous blackness on the arrowheads that had festered and spread in the gash-wound and now looked like some kind of chunky blackness, like lava rock made into a jello texture.

(Note: just earlier today, I dreamed of this deep energy-blackness that these men, of whom I was watching yet also one of, were using, as a powerful magick, that was effective against a powerful enemy, yet did nearly as much damage to them while using it as it did to the other side. It was both murder and suicide, eventually, but they bore it with terrible stoicism, assumedly for some greater good at their own expense. In the dream I felt profound, deep compassion for them and wanted to heal them, to relieve their suffering. I didn't until just now connect the blackness or warfare symbols to the earlier dream I'd half forgotten by now. Also: there was one symbol, of thin metal 'casing' tube in the body ('through the right shoulder front to back' in this case) which is just like the symbol in the archmed of 8/31/09).

I pulled out the arrows, all seven (the number seemed significant somehow) one by one and dropped them on the other side of the body. My mate of the Four was there, the Third, and he took them and did something with them to make them inert and harmless. (That is unusual. The Four are not usually present in archetype work.) When all seven were pulled out, I put my hands over the back and 'pulled up' with great intent, sort of 'sucking' the blackness out, and it raised into the air and began accumulating.

It had a weird perceptual effect. I was imagining all this (of course), some pieces more 'autonomously self-creative' than others, some more vivid than others, but the blackness had a completely different visual and sense feel. Imagine that you are looking at a page in a magazine and it has a picture and everything is slick and glossy and surreal and everything looks like a realistic but quality "illustration" but then right in the middle is this flat matte-finish, real-looking THING, as if it is somehow in full 3D reality while everything else is not-quite-real 2D. No gloss or reflection or 'drawing' impression. Real in a kind of brutal and ugly way.

I forced more darkness out of the body. I could feel there were pieces, even like atom-sized pieces, all over, and I focused my will and DRAGGED them out of the body, every bit that I could find, together. I put a stasis field over the big gash across the back and moved the body away and focused on the blob of blackness. I put my hands around it, asked all the onlookers for assistance, asked for the Angelics who put their hands on my back, and worked on making inert and then transmuting all that energy, removing the physical from less-so, dissolving it all into nothing but gold light, and then I had the feeling that I should let it go, and three that I felt were the others of The Four took the energy themselves, into their solar plexus chakras. I had the feeling they would be more competent at making it truly 'theirs' and not harmful. I let it go and turned back to the body and wound.

There were "seven empty cylinders of pain" across the back, as if that were their title, somehow. How odd, I thought, as if each arrow had left literally a fat, deep little 'cylinder' shape totally 'open' in the body, as if nothing was there anymore; whatever had been there had been absorbed into the blackness and was now gone, so it was empty. I imagined a fluid that would fill them and it seemed to have its own life, a thin, slightly viscuous silvery fluid that filled each cylinder area exactly to the top. Then I asked for a healing salve for all the space in the gash around and between these and something more golden showed up, like a thick gel, and I filled the body with it. I sensed the gel healing first, the body 'growing' new inner flesh etc. as needed, until it was healed to the surface and skin regrew. Then I asked the silver fluid to heal, and it did something similar, but it took longer, as it got thicker and mirrored the body and seemed to 'match the pattern' like DNA and then thickened until it 'grew' into body itself and finally came up to the surface, and as skin covered the last of it I put my hands over it and imagined energy throughout the body.

I returned into my virtual body and went back to the top of the roof. I rebuilt the burned areas at the top on one side, using author Jordan's concept of 'weave' to imagine doing so of fine strands of light, and it was finally ok.

I attempted to just remove the 'under construction' portion of building on the other side but that didn't work. I wanted to just wipe it out, destroy it, remove it, dissolve it, get rid of it. The solution to an enemy is not to feed that same energy, I heard. It is to heal the darkness that causes its pain. I thought that might be The Queen. It was difficult as I really did not FEEL like healing it beyond that one part I'd already done. I felt like obliterating it and eating its energy like I had the figure in my space. I finally closed my eyes and asked that "Divine Will" be the guide on whatever should be done there and let it be so. It was then finished building, though it was a bit different shape there than before.

I had the visual sense of a dog suddenly. I thought for a moment I was daydreaming, where did that come from?! Then I realized -- I had forgotten:

Long ago, maybe before blogging, I had a profoundly powerful spontaneous meditation (aka "vision") where I was in the upper story of a building being built-out. The building was 3 stories high and it was 'me'. The upper story was spiritual stuff. But it was so dusty, abandoned, with wood and workman's tools all over. And when I got to the top of the stairs where I knew I normally entered, a large dog was lying there, not just dead but 'dessicated' somehow. I knew that he was my best friend there, and I loved him hugely, and that he had died starving, waiting for me to return, and I had completely abandoned him. I fell to my knees bawling on him and cried and cried. I came out of the vision, considered it, and then bawled awhile more. More than once in the years since I have returned to the abandoned upper shell of that house and the stillness and the body of the dog, mourning him. Well just recently I found myself there again and I refused to accept it, and I poured energy into it and told it to wake up and continue, and then I went to find my dog and I sat there and just poured energy from hands and every chakra into his body until it started to flesh out, and then turned a normal color, and then finally started to come alive again, until all the sudden he was there, knocking me backward and licking my face and so happy to see me and I nearly bawled all over again. That was just... a few days ago I think.

Who knows why but my dog-friend was there. I threw my arms around him and gave him energy and told him I was sorry for forgetting him--again--for a few days. Then I noticed the interesting sync of that 3-story house that was 'me' and this giant skyscraper-borgcube-thing that was the archetype. What did the partial-building-out mean? Was there some sync between me and it? Was the dog bringing this to my attention?

I stood on the roof and imagined the rain of love, the light, the gel, the wind, etc. pouring down on me and it, and at the end of that, the size of the building had reduced from 'monster' to 'ordinary' sized. I made myself big and put my hands around it and imagined sending energy into it to 'heal' it but it didn't feel like that was working.

Some things you cannot heal from the outside, I heard. I dropped to normal sized and walked through its front door, into the middle of the building which went all the way to the top, like hollow, and was surrounded by windows across the top and sides. (Reminded me briefly of a room in my arch-world that my Sun once took me to.) I imagined my root chakra connecting with the earth's core, and my crown chakra connecting with the galaxy's center, and pulling energy through me, and I began to send energy out.

It isn't enough, I heard. I 'understood' then that I would need to allow more opening and activation of all my chakras in order for this to happen, and that I had been refusing this for a very long time. I didn't even question it, feeling suddenly much like I had near the beginning when reacting to the sense of a presence not fully supportive, and I just 'did' it, made the decision to allow and moved on with it, without much thought. It was simply done. Distantly I sensed this was as ruthless as the other had been. This would have plenty of side-effects. They were not important. The power was what was important. I projected energy from me like crazy and it infused the building and that seemed to work.

I went outside it and considered. It was normal looking now. I had done everything that normally is required and then some. I looked at IG.

I felt nothing, I said flatly. Something just doesn't seem right. I don't FEEL anything. No shivers, no rushing, no warmth. No sense of merging. NOTHING in my body -- nothing at all. As if the entire experience had zero kinesthetic element. As if the entire thing were mental and less real. Tonight's work, I mean. I know it is just as valid; it was just as spontaneous as other good work, I don't doubt the soundness of it. Only that it seemed like I should be feeling something more physically and I wasn't.

Yeah I know she has told me more than once that 'feeling' is not the proper measure of what has value or has worked. But this feels like it ought to have been present. Somewhere. Like I am just not DONE with this until I FEEL something. And I know that but I don't know what else to do. I'm missing something.

I told IG I would return later. The archmed is done but there is something I need to do that I haven't yet grasped. Maybe the Four will know. I will visit them soon.

PJ

The Four, The Consortium, The Point

I love it when I'm watching something in a movie and suddenly I see something that TOTALLY reminds me of some scene from my inner world.

Long ago (blogged in two parts in "IG and the Pagan Night" and "Gaia and the Pyramid"), I had this archetype meditation where the arch was a step pyramid like south american stuff. Except the step was actually in a spiral. And there was no visible way into it. The entrance turned out to be off to the side of the pyramid some distance, there was like a door in the ground and you went down into it, and then there was this stone hallway that led across (under) the ground and it went to the center of the pyramid at the bottom of it and then a door above opened up and you were "inside" it then. It was stepped 'in reverse' inside and it was fairly small. The meditations were kick-ass.

Well there are many differences... this pyramid was a bazillion times bigger, the distance to entrance farther, the entrance above ground, the stone path a road not a tunnel, and the pyramid different inside -- ok, yes, so they are almost nothing alike I admit -- still, the vision of this pyramid with an entrance in exactly the same relationship off to the side (except farther away, but then the pyramid was so much bigger, it seems like it's the same) and a path over there to the middle was just "startling" to me for some reason. It was in the season 3 episode 1 of SG-1. Imagine that the walkway is a tunnel and it's actually underneath the ground not above it, and this is just like the archetype turned out to be.



Musing --

I was talking to my buddy L about all this last night. You know, about: What's the point? OK, the whole 'The Four' and 'The Consortium' are... what, novel? More interesting than Mormonism? But what's the difference really, is it just another uniform, another trap, another doctrine in development, some funky perspective that's just wasting my time with some imaginative kick-the-can rather than something more useful?

I've often mentioned people I knew who went into some kind of mystic inquiry allegedly for spiritual reasons and ended up off the side of the road selling crystals... or whatever. If you see what I mean.

The Four

Thinking back, the first time I met the four it was as individuals. I didn't know them as part of our Four then. I met the Third (my mate) in several visions. I knew we had the relationship we do. From Bewilderness:

November, 1993

I sat down briefly, and found myself abruptly in a vision or dream. There was this blonde man, who as it turns out, was me. I don't mean he was symbolically me, or 'male energy' of me, or anything like that. I mean I literally shared his perception because we are really one, but we are still separate identities as well. I saw him as "another aspect of me." As if his consciousness is combined with mine but his... perception is slightly... larger. Because he's smarter, I mean, a slightly higher order of species. A separate individual than me in the physical, though, even though we could share our perception at times.

I met the Queen in several visions and dreams as well. Then I met her in what seemed a past life, where 'she' was the dominant personality in the body and I functioned like a spirit guide extension of her in some fashion.

And I wondered what the point of it all was even way back then. One thing I journaled touched on that:

November, 1993

There's something I realized as a result of that dream of the blonde-me. This is hard to explain, but seems to fit into it all for some reason, and I feel it's really important that I understand this, that it relates to all the odd things going on in my life. The realization goes something like this:

All acceptance is by faith. Not blind faith as "trust," but faith as an absolute commitment, and when you make the latter, you realize it is the former.

I feel as if I've made a specific commitment. When I made it, I didn't know the path, or where it led, or anything. I knew only that I would do whatever it took, wherever I was, whatever the conditions, regardless of anything else in the universe. There's a certain point where, when you know you're going to do something no matter what, the how and why and when simply become... irrelevant. When you get right down to it, you either commit or not: there are no "conditional" commitments. Which is why it becomes faith: you quit worrying about, or even thinking about, the ways and means (or even the goal).

The Four developed with me over time. Some journal quotes (thanks to Bewilderness):

October, 1994

There is this one type of dream that I always remember, when in the dream, that I am there "all the time" or at least often, but not until today did I remember (while awake) having them. In them I am somehow four different people at the same time, and yet one. Two male, two female. And we're every possible relationship to each other and also merged. Every possible relationship. So for instance, the other female would not only be mother, sister, lover, daughter, but would also be every probability combination existence on the planet, up to and including the ex-girlfriend of a second cousin of mine, a political leader, someone I never heard of, indirect things as well. They all have the same thing with me and with each other, the four of us completely intertwine, like "the four of us compose the universe," or at least the human element of it.

and

The "aspect of me" that was the blonde fellow, or the one I called "the blonde-me," was one in a group of four including myself. Maybe there's more and I just don't know it. I wondered if multiple personality syndrome would explain such a thing, but finally decided that most of the personalities people have with that syndrome are, well, from this dimension, so to speak, and not usually quite that simultaneous, let alone in a separate body. I didn't realize that he was part of the four of us at first. My encounters with him alone were quite different than the times when I encountered all three of them together. When it was just he and I, it seemed more... fascinating in a way that shamanic creatures fascinated me. When it was all four of us, it was invariably an exciting, spiritual experience that left me feeling ... "holy."

and

(As part of a dream of the future) Then last night I (as the four we, but mainly as the two [younger?] we's) were cleaning the eye, and we (the two older we's) said, We thought you weren't going to see that. And we [the youngers] replied, Well we weren't, but we've found a way now that we can see the future without it hurting.

and

October, 1994

Well the other day I'm in the shower, and I'm thinking casually about the 4 in 1 thing, these dreams about me and three who are also me, and I turned my face into the water for a moment and suddenly the water reminded me of that vortex which reminded me -- Four in one. Four colors, four beams of light which were also sound; all of which had their own resonance, and then when they perfectly merged they wrapped around each other in a vortex providing a "doorway" to "some other dimension." The 4-in-1 dreams where we all merge and whatever thing we're doing together works. The round thing with the four beams of light: the circle squared, as magick calls it. All this stuff is connected. I was so shocked by the associations I inhaled and choked on the water. (Talk about baptized by an idea.) I think I get it. It's like a key. I don't actually know, though, if it is dependent only upon the "higher self" structure or if there are other ways of accomplishing that four beam thing with technology, and either way I don't think I know how to get to the "technology or method" of doing it.

I always wondered if this related to the four, but I don't know:

November, 1994

3,3,3,4. 9,9,9,12. These numbers came up in a dream, and I felt it crucially important that I remember them when I awoke. I haven't the vaguest clue what it means.

It got more comfortable over time.

November, 1994

Had a nice meditation, sort of (what does one call all these states of consciousness?). Three others and I (this is getting a bit repetitive, I must admit) were playing and talking and such. And I said Hey, it's you guys! Cool! Let's merge! And when we did, I was reminded of how the first time I consciously remembered them, I realized we had "every possible relationship" to each other. Then it was like these rays of light connected each of us to the other; and then we merged, but those rays were still there, even though we weren't really separate; and then it was like chakras below and above the body (I had forgotten some schools of thought mention those) merged together in these bright balls of light, one ball above and below us, and then all the connecting paths between us lit up, with certain bright spots, balls of light like our chakras, in certain places. It felt very groovy, and as my perception pulled back a little bit so I could see us almost from the outside, I went Hey! We're that Tree of Life thing, in 3-D! I didn't realize that was connected to the subject. (Perhaps I'm coming upon obvious things that everyone knows, but they're fun nonetheless.) So perhaps the four of us really do "compose the universe," like my first impression gave me.

and

They seem to be getting more casual, I meet them more easily (though they often change form), and they often find my immediate "Let's merge!" approach nothing short of riotous. (I'm glad I'm such entertainment. Sigh.) Maybe there is some kind of diplomatic relationship one is supposed to have prior to this announced desire, like buying your date dinner first.

In fairness, I didn't really make anything all that special of this because I was having so much other experience around then, in the 93-95 era. Dreaming of Crowley and the Abramelins, of the future, having major waking visions, and the weird experiences that somehow blended alien, faery, and inorganics all in one, there was so much OTHER stuff going on that in the scheme of things, although they were special, they were just one of many 'weirdities' in my life.

I didn't realize until later this was also about them:

January, 1995

The first section was all about my "energy;" somehow breathing was not the only cyclical thing I did, but it was as if there were dozens of things my "body" did (maybe below the conscious level or even below the physical), and I was trying to get them aligned, and noting that many of them were blocked, it was like if you were watching a whole group of waveforms and they were crashing into each other instead of moving harmoniously together. Anyway, so I got most of them aligned OK, and my breathing evened out.

The second section was about humanity, the same sort of thing as with the first dream, except it was on a larger scale; more items to "synchronize" and with the overall world, not just myself.

The third section was something related to the first two, but hard to describe. There was some acknowledgement of everything (energy) in the world feeding into this one eventual unit, kind of like a drain, the way the energy swirled around in a vortex before going into this one place/thing. But there was this sort of distraction, it was as if just above that layer of "going into one" understanding, there were four "units" which would be better called "collective energy with a representative identity" that everything flowed into according to its matching nature. I was repeatedly trying to get past the four and back to the one which I knew was the real source, and the whole point of things. I varied back and forth between the two perspectives of one or four.

Anyway, I don't really know what all this has to do with anything, except the four elements of nature seem the obvious symbolism here.

Wow, funny. I didn't pick up that quote till today, and I'd forgotten the detail. Terms like 'distraction' and 'the whole point of things', energy and alignment and blocks -- are all part of the last day talking about the subject. Which is... what. Two months shy of 15 years later!

Well after 15 years I guess it's fair to say it's not going away soon.

The Consortium (also called The Coalition in the early days), I blogged about my meeting with them in The Tower, introduced to me by The Senior, shortly after I had met Nero, the first of them.

There were a bunch of people there, which was confusing. There is only me and the three after all. I looked for my mate, and there he was; I walked over and put my arm around him, and tried to kind of curl up and hide against his chest, like a shy child might with their mother. I felt intensely shy about all these other people, as if they were more than I was ready to deal with.

...They are 'of' you as well, the senior told me. I held harder to the third, not wanting to see. It was hard enough accepting that my soul could somehow have three others involved with it---let alone that I was a 'smaller perspective' than they were, and the fourth of four---that took years.

... There must have been about 12-16 other people there.

... It is already so, you know, he said. It is only a matter of acceptance. He was quoting me back at me!---I wrote that about my 'Abyss' experience back in my Bewilderness days. I gathered up my courage and agreed, and turned to greet them.

The people spread out from the four of us, and I had the definite sense of a geometric, fractal pattern, that the combination of us "composed" something. Long ago, I had merged with the three and had a similar sense.

... This time, there were lights less like white energy ball-spheres, and more like small but intensely bright glimmering things, and each person had several of them. We all connected together, as if the several we each carried were all fitted into a net or matrix or sorts, a pattern, somewhat spread out. I gazed on it from the inside and suddenly realized: it's like being within the stars. Like a star-map in 3D, like floating in space.

Every man and every woman is a star, I remembered once reading, and then I remembered my experience with a universe as an idea incarnate. My relationship within the four is of one nature; the added people are more than an expansion, they are more like a... like a different nature of connectivity

I'm biased, sure, but I suspect that in Cambodia, those temple towers with four faces? That this is a symbol for what I call "the four-fold soul".


I also suspect that in Vedic art, those gods with 8 arms or more? That this is how they are representing four (or more) personas in one. That the arms each holding a different object or symbol represent different identity-focuses.



So while on one hand I find nothing in "Western writings" to make me feel sane, to match my own experience, I suspect that some of that stuff in the East might.


My friend L was googling trying to find anything that would describe something similar like a group soul, or being one in four. He found this rather fascinating sync. This is I guess a book excerpt about someone's NDE. http://www.dharma-talks.com/soul_group.htm This syncs to The Four:

I noticed three other light fragments that became brighter. They had silhouette shapes. Not clearly defined but I recognized them as other beings. It seemed like they were separating themselves from the light and coming to me. As they did, I could sense them projecting “welcome home” as if we were family and that there was joy in our reunion. I never had those strong feelings in life. This felt stronger and more binding than anything I had experienced in my life. I was now home, together with these beings. Since then, I have come to call them my Soul Group or Soul Family.

And this syncs to the Consortium:

Beyond the original three, there were more light beings coming and joining us. They didn't really communicate, at least not in a way that you and I are accustomed to. There were maybe a dozen in all. Some of them were behind others so I couldn’t see them as clearly as the ones closest to me, but they were all around me. These others were like family, but not as close as the first three.

Huh. I don't know... seems like a big coincidence. I don't know how long it took L googling to find that but it seems the only thing he found. Of course we both know of the 'group soul' concept from Jane Roberts's works. It was the one thing I always found hardest to understand or accept, so it's so ironic it would be the one that has played the biggest part in my experience.

I wanted to know myself. Truly. That has led me to The Four, and eventually to the twelve. The Third of Four told me he worked with other groupings too.

Is there some point to this eventually, I wonder?

For the moment I feel like I just need to be consistent, and trust, and see where it takes me.

PJ

Aeon Round, 25nov09

Wed evening. It's after 10:30pm and I have no more excuse to avoid doing the Aeon Round (as I am calling it, going around the circle of the Aeons with the mantra prayer) which I should have done this morning before work, and as it's a lovely avoidance of the Archmed I'm supposed to be doing instead, I decide to do that.

My hands change with each, as I imagine touching them in various ways spontaneously, holding hands or hugging, sitting on someone's shoulders if they are a man (or giant statue...), whatever.

Nothing unusual until I reach Marcan. With Marcan I feel him more pronouncedly than usual. My hands together like in the Lord's Prayer, in front of my face, I feel he is putting his hands on the outside of mine, and I pray. But he is so "there with me", literally as if he is nearly-real and his face is just near mine, that after the mantra I just sit there, feeling "with him", close to him, close like someone you are not quite kissing.

And then finally he merges into me, and I don't feel any rush at all, but I feel quite sincerely that this is successful and that I and He are now 'we'. I feel my hands are also his, my perspective is also his, and that he is getting as used to me as I am to him in this.

It does not feel quite like the rapport-merge that some remote viewing can bring. It is not like a foreign-person, like a me-plus-something-else. It is more like another aspect of myself, but which does have its own personality, becoming "a larger percentage of the conscious-me", like a me-expanded.

We move on to Hot Amanakhaton and there is a difference, I feel. I am WE, now. How WE relate to HA is not quite the same as how I relate to him. It's like a formula and it has changed a little. I find that interesting.

We move to Jared and El Nino and are clasping his hand, the other on El Nino's forward flank, and somehow it feels like our relationship is a little... different. I don't have a word for the feeling. I have the distant, humorous observation that this has some relationship to Jared sometimes drinking too much and singing loudly during those times, that some of Marcan's energy is part of that. I feel in a subtle way that this has told me something about Jared I didn't know myself, that I got from Marcan.

We move on to Calm´ and she throws her arms around us, and I feel she is more beloved than usual, more adorable-as-small-feminine than usual, and I realize that Marcan is closer, more integrated, with her than I am, perhaps. I feel a slight merge, not too much.

We move on to Maelee and suddenly the difference is clear. It did not before occur to me that just because I might be better integrated with a couple of the Aeons does not mean they are 100% integrated with each other. I mean they're not 100% because they are different, but we all are part of the same larger Being and we overlap. I think at a spiritual level it is fuller than at the conscious level for whatever identity(s) we wear as 'surface personalities'. But I suddenly had the sense that in some kind of 'real life', Maelee did not really accept most the energy of Marcan, much like until recently I had not accepted the energy of any of them, and that although this is only a 'minor' effect for me, it is still a sort of effect. Following on this was a sense that the more I integrate them all 'through' me (as if through-my-middle), the more I actually help all of them in their own individual 'incarnate personalities' integrate with each other. That we all affect one another.

I felt that since I had recently done much with Maelee for us to be more merged, that now that I and Marcan were more-merged-than-usual at this moment, that she would be 'able' to accept more of the energy in me that is also-his, while he and I were merged. A doorway of sorts; a bridge-of-self. I imagined us putting our hands above the the heart and solar plexus chakras of Maelee and sending loving gold energy into her to 'share' it. My whole body from my crown to my toes got energy-shivers like crazy, and we poured energy into her as much as she would take, until the shivers stopped.

We continued to Nedlund. Though I felt some difference, nothing too unusual.

We continued to Nero, and we exclaimed with joy and threw our arms around each other. I got such body-rushing then from the merge, and realized with some surprise that this was ME -- I mean, that Marcan is better integrated with Nero than I am and I was getting the merge effect from a greater-energy with Nero, thanks to my merge with Marcan. We did the mantra then, and then Nero joined us in the merge.

I considered my bedroom walls as a tri-une entity. OK, this is a little weird but cool, I thought at them, remembering a dream someone once told me of such an experience, thinking this must be a very 'lite' version of it -- I didn't feel possessed, not like with viewing rapport, it was 'present-but-subtle'. I was wondering how we could be one and three at the same time. Then I remembered, one or both of them reminding me, that I am one and four at the same time when I am Four of Four, and it is the same, feels about the same, at least as far as the one-and-multiple perspectives combined does.

I looked at my laptop screen, at the round of the Aeons I have on the background, that I keep up while doing the meditation, noting the pics of Marcan and Nero with some quirky interest, feeling their different perspectives on the pictures. And you? I felt. My picture isn't on there. I imagined how I looked. Then I tilted the screen to reflect me, darkly. Eyes rather like that picture of Bohleren, one of them thought, I wasn't sure which. I felt pleased that they were pleased to see me, as if emotion somehow was amplified when the same one was felt by more than one of us at a time.

I remembered something I recently read that kinda referred to that, in the latest Wheel of Time book, between an Aes Sedai and her Warder, and I wondered idly if Robert Jordan, whose 'weave' approach to energy is remarkably useful as a real model in energy work (wish I'd had it a long time ago), might have been bringing forth a lot of truth in his writing, even without knowing it, as his own relationship with his own Aeons even if he were oblivious to it.

We then turned as-three to do the last mantra of the Round, the one where I imagine merging with The Four and then doing it once again 'as' them and 'through' them 'to' all 12 of the Aeons. It was very different though. I could feel that they were more able to integrate with the Third of Four than with the first two. Still, less with him than me. Much of the first two was opaque to them. I wondered if perhaps it is different for them. Do they have their own, different version of -- or just different -- The Four? Who knows? I didn't feel an answer to that.

I couldn't tell if they were not integrated, or if the two did not choose to share. Sometimes in the past, they -- especially the Senior -- do not choose to share with me, either. I have such a sense of 'Holy and powerful' from him, and 'Spiritual royalty' from her, that I do not question this. It isn't even my place. It's just an honor to have any part of them when we are merged, I feel. I'd like to be more flippant as I am about many things but the sense of awe with them is too real, still. So I don't know why I felt they were not at all sharing/overlapping with Nero and Marcus -- even though it was, ironically, the Senior who brought me the Consortium the first time, to merge with, when I was afraid of all of them and clung to the Third like a child.

Finished with that, we considered Bolehren, Taan, L'Anna and Ray, whom I had already done the mantra-prayer with prior to Marcan. I imagined the triune of us (me, Marcan and Nero) merging with them. It was rather odd. I expected to feel... I dunno. More aware. Larger. I actually felt "denser" -- but not really in a good way. More like... more complicated, but not more clear; with more energy but not necessarily more power, as some degree of... singularity is required for that conversion.

I had thought that I would get some kind of a rush. Actually there were these... you might call them "subtle rivulets of energy" that I could feel somewhere "deep inside" like spiritually, the side-effect of the merge for them, because of the differing integrations that each of us have with the others, but not in my body anywhere, nothing. I was puzzled.

But why? I asked them all, going through the list of them now 'in' me and then letting my perspective just feel... changed. I think it was Nero who said, because you only get what we ALL can share, and the more of us together, the smaller a grouping of energy that is. I struggled to get my brain around this idea.

Why wouldn't more of them "in" me be more powerful, not less? That felt completely counter-intuitive!

Opacity, is the word that came to mind, and I wondered if it was Ithikah commenting helpfully on observing this, as I saw and felt as the word rolled out in me, a variety of shapes coming together like in a computer graphic to demonstrate. So to translate, hopefully accurately here, and to make it simplistic and math-based:

If L'Anna and I share points 1-5 energy, and Ray and I share points 3-8 energy, and L'Anna and Ray share points 1-2 and 6-7 energy, then when I am 'me' I have 'access to points 1-8. But as-me, I have a sort of extra strength in 1-5 from L'Anna, extra from 3-8 from Ray, and twice as much extra in 1-2 and 6-7 because I have both of them 'supporting' that energy in me. But if we are literally together, merged, not just me-having-access to them, then points 3-5 and 8 are sort of 'suppressed or dimmed' because either Ray and/or L'Anna cannot 'allow/absorb/merge' with that energy.

Of course, 1-2 and 6-7 are extra-strong because all of us are integrated 'with' that energy. So it becomes a sort of trade-off. If I were doing something that really needed 1-2 and 6-7, or any of those, and it didn't matter than 3-5 and 8 were pretty much out of the picture, then this would be a good merge to have when doing energy work. If 4 were critical though, then I would probably not want them together with me, because their lack of integration on that point suppresses it in the final merged-identity, despite that both of them share it with me. If I wanted to merge with more than one of them for something requiring point 4, I would need to find an Aeon that one of them shared that point in common with.

This probably makes no sense to anybody else, as I have to render this into an "abstract". I am referring to energy work, healing and magick here, indirectly, and to the "parts of self" which may be best evoked for certain focii. I don't normally give this much thought, but today's Aeon Round just brought it all to focus I guess.

I typed the above and then thought I'd se if we could just have a conversation as I type.

So is the "integrate with me fully" not good for the mantra? I asked the Aeons at large.

Nero: It's good from your perspective, yes. You only control your own focus, though. The focus and integration that each part of our larger Being has, just like your own, is their decision.

Me: But... but what if I want more of this... this energy, this power, this integration? What if the energy of say, Marcan and Maelee is important to me, and I need them to merge more so that I in turn have better access to it? Is that mercenary? Can I help them to integrate better with each other, for the sake of me and our whole larger-Being or group?

Nero: Yes. Though you are unaware of the work you do on that level, what you might call spiritually. But the more focus you give this intent from your physical incarnate focus personality, the more energy you are giving to that spiritual work.

Me: So... I can't "do" it on purpose but my prayers can "help" the part of me that does it on purpose.

Nero: Basically right.

Me: So what would that... that spiritual part of me do, just out of curiosity, to bring about that end result?

Nero: Well it might show up in a vision or meditation and introduce itself to someone who avoided it for years and then laughed at its name.

Me: Wha -- oh! OH! You mean -- you mean like you and me! (I sense he is grinning.) You mean... oh. So... YOU got more... "aware". And as part of your own... evolution, you might say, you began to... encounter "other aspects of a larger self." And as part of that growth process, you... began to encourage those aspects to themselves become more aware, more integrated, with more of their larger self.

I sensed he agreed. I thought about this for a bit.

Me: So you mean that although we may evolve -- I don't much like that word, it's so badly used in the new-age world -- we evolve as individuals, that we also evolve as larger-identities. So this would imply that larger-entities like Angels -- and maybe even God Itself, if It is "the sum of All" as some models say -- is always evolving. And that every smallest part -- blade of grass, as the Buddhists might say -- has a role in the evolution of even the largest parts. And the largest parts become more free and more-of-God in part by aiding the evolution of the smaller parts because those are part of them. Er, I think the whole size and evolution part of this thinking-on-paper is screwing it up. It's not that linear. But if you see what I mean?

Nero: You have the right idea, generally.

Me: So long ago in 'The Rainbow of Soul' theory I wrote in Bewilderness, it was actually the right idea. Just... well, a lot more personalized than I had any idea. Hey. Seth once said part of him was a dog. Another part had been some past Pope. How does that work? Why are none of my Aeons dogs, for example? My Four once showed me that we are all things -- light beings, creatures, aliens, people and many of them, etc. Are we also blades of grass? Bugs? Cats? Kitchen tables?

Nero: All is one. But obviously within that there is a great deal of detail --

Me: But wait. Where would inanimates come into this? I mean ok so let's say all energy is one, fine, we're all so buddhic sounding now I love it, but there is my slant-desk five feet away, made of wood. What Being is that table part of, if any? What spirit would have what to do with it? Is it the guy who designed it? Who made it? Who cut down the tree? Who ran the machine that put the finish on? Who put it in a box? It is part of Me? Is there any way that anything could NOT be part of spirit if consciousness is inherent in every particle of energy? (Yes -- RV and my spiritual life have made me an Accidental Animist, as I say.) But much like I gripe about how the Enochian tablets had no map to humans, I also don't get how my Aeons or the Four have any map to my desk over there. How does it all relate?


I remembered an article I read once about how we constantly trade atoms with every physical thing around us -- so physicists say. The more we are around our cat and our desk chair, the more that they are literally part of us, and we are literally part of them.

I remembered experiences where I have 'gained rapport' with seemingly inanimate objects. A metal recycling bin, for example. I could feel that it was not 'self-aware' and I could feel that our consciousness (for lack of a better word) was able to "merge" -- it has no hard borders -- and that with the addition of mine, it could *almost* communicate, and its perception was radically expanded during that time, from its norm. I remember understanding that IT was having a profoundly spiritual experience. And that when we suddenly gain "cosmic insight" and "become all" or whatever humans have as mystical experiences, that it is, essentially, "sharing a larger perspective" -- just like that locking trashcan was with me -- we do this with 'larger identities'. I was a vastly larger, more complex identity than it. Yet I loved it. It was like a cool drink of water. It was so pure, so simple, comparatively, in a wonderful way. Maybe that is how Angels feel about us.

I supposed those memories were 'answers'.


Me: So... so you're telling me that the wooden desk five feet away is part of my spiritual evolution? I can't decide if this is insightful or retarded.

Ray: Look at your hands.

Me: Hey, it's Ray! OK that's novel. OK my hands. Uh, sorta chubby. Otherwise normal I guess.

Ray: Are they part of you?

Me: Well sure. I guess.

Ray: So why can't the desk be part of you?

Me: It isn't part of my body!

Ray: It sits within your energy field (several of them, actually). It shares many atoms with you and you with it. Yes, much of its composition is energy from other sources, and it is equally those sources in spirit. The tree. Other people. Other objects and locations. But right now the dominant influence by far is you.

Me: Uh. So how would I 'evolve' the desk? Oh my god. I sound like such a moron.

Ray: The same way you contribute to anything else. You send it loving energy.

Me: You think I should love my desk.

Ray: I think you should love anything and everything that is around you or that you come into contact with.

Me: But how can a desk evolve? I mean it's not like it can die and go to heaven or be reincarnated.

Ray: You think a body has to die to evolve?

Me: I -- well, hang on. I guess I assumed. Doesn't it? I mean ok, I could become a lot more... 'aware' as a person. I suppose a table could too but I really feel so stupid even saying that. But at some point... well let's say that a person got so evolved, like a Buddha or something, that they were... uh... larger. Or ready to become larger, like a larger entity. Like some kind of minor Angel, and I use the term loosely as I really don't know the cosmic heirarchy or anything and I'm not really using the biblical definition of them, it's probably more complex than that. OK but doesn't the person have to die in order to... well, to become that new Being?

Ray: If there is no time, how can any Being die? (Or be born, for that matter?)

Me: Well -- oh heck. You're frying my brain! Well how do you move on from being one thing to being another?

Ray: Think about it.

I'm starting to get grumpy now.

Oh. Merging. Ohhhhh................

Me: So... it isn't that you cease being a table and become a dog, cease being a dog and become a person, cease being a person and become an Angel, or whatever. You are always all of those things. The more one is able to ... expand awareness, the more one realizes it. So... so Seth knows that he is a Dog, and a Pope, and Seth, and Jane, and because from HIS perspective he is very 'aware', he knows all that. But as the Dog, he doesn't know.

I thought about this for a bit.

Me: So what's the value to the Dog in all this? How does that poor dog benefit from the expansion of consciousness? What's he get out of it, if he is always and evermore, outside of time, "a dog"?

Ray: Every lifeform has what you might call an absorption point. A degree of sentience that is the maximum potential of that species, physically and energetically. He can, eventually as you might put it in time-terms, become his most Ideal. His reality -- the probabilities he experiences -- would change as this happened as well, of course.

Me: So... so you mean that eventually, he would be like the perfectly sentient spiritual dog having the perfectly blissful joyous life. Er, eventually. Maybe today... or maybe not... but at some point prior to some eventual ultimate evolution of the universe or God, he could be that.

Ray: OK.

Me: And... and the more his... "larger awareness" grew, the more that awareness could HELP him toward that ultimate-evolution-toward-Ideal goal. Like Nero and all of you guys helping me. Which might, actually, be just as much a matter of our larger-Being helping itself to evolve, and ITS larger-being helping it in turn, and... my god! This seems hopelessly complex!

Ray: Actually it is profoundly simple. It is all one dynamic. It operates the same for everything, everyone, under every condition.

Me: I used to say "All things long for evolvement." Even inanimates and bugs, at some level. So... this is true.

Ray: Yes.

Me: But is there value to my becoming 'aware' of 'also being' some % of the atoms in my wooden desk? I mean really, what is the point of these obscure metaphysics?

Ray: Was there value to your awareness with the metal recycling bin?

Me: Oh yeah, that was awesome. Oh. I see. Well what if I don't want to be part of my wooden desk?

Ray: You have the focus you choose. Remove it from your focus if you wish. Your physical proximity to it however will share energy with it, which is another form of focus, as long as it is near you.

Me: Energy is focus? What do you mean? Isn't focus whatever I am thinking about?

Ray: Yes, but there is a level of awareness to all the atoms in your physically manifest forms as well as to all the atoms that used to be part of them (or that will be part of them). There is a difference between what is inherently part of you and what you choose to pay attention to. You can change many things in your reality based on what you pay attention to, but from the perspective of your physical personality, everything that shares energy with your physical form is a part of you. You might think of it, as an analogy, as like DNA. You can 'invoke' or 'manifest' certain aspects of your genetics, while suppressing others as 'latent', but it is all part of you.

Me: I see. I think. (I sat quietly for awhile, thinking.) Ray, earlier today I was thinking about my idealized self. I had this incredible dream many years ago where I met her. It was like an alternate self. I was so in love with her. I so wanted to be her. I wanted to even be near her. She made me feel so awesome. It seems odd you would bring up the 'Ideal' self of things on the very day I was having these thoughts, when I haven't thought of that in so many years.

Ray: As Taan said previously, we are always with you. This conversation did not begin when you became aware of it. It has been and will be going on, is one way of putting it.

Me: Wait. You mean... you mean this talk we're having now, you are... interacting with me, like 12 hours ago, which is why I am -- I mean, was -- thinking about that?

Ray: Yes. It always works that way, you know. Much of what you dismiss as "imagination" because it ties into experience or ideas that you had recently is simply a matter of experience and communication having a broader span of time overall, in your terms, than what your conscious mind is actively aware of. So you noticed a character especially in a TV show, and then met L'Anna later who told you she had encouraged your 'awareness' of this character as your feelings toward the pretty doctor/scientist/healer were a good model for a relationship with her. This did not make her imagination, it simply was because her communication with you spanned a range before your conscious introduction to and acceptance of her as what you call an Aeon.

Me: That is such a dumb name, by the way. My friends think I'm such a retard, I'm sure of it. Why does this word come to mind to name you guys that, rather than Guides? OK I know why not-guides, I feel the difference. But why that term?

Ray: It has a combination of meanings, and relationship inside you, that make it appropriate.

Me: So... if it has different meanings to my friend Jane, then the term wouldn't really work for Jane even for the same experience.

Ray: Of course.

Me: Well but heck, we would all cease using the same language if that were the case. Every single language would become its own Tower of Babel -- since every perspective is different!

Ray: To a great degree you do all use a different language, for that reason. Much like so-called consensus reality, there is an underlying agreement to meet in the areas that do not conflict. This is as true for language as it is for shared reality -- actually even moreso. You do not by any means truly relate to words the same way, even if you may (mostly) share a dictionary definition of the word.

Me: Oh. Nero?

Nero: Here.

Me: Do you know Ray?

Nero: Yes.

Me: Are you guys fully... uh, integrated?

Nero: No. But we are much moreso than Marcan and Maelee, for example.

Me: OK, well this brings me back to where I began. So... so my own evolution depends on you guys?

Nero: Your own evolution depends on you.

Me: Well yeah but, the larger-me, I have to integrate into that, right, to awareness of that, and then all that awareness has to sort of become aware of each other, which is becoming aware of itself of course, and then -- wait. And then that larger Being would... become aware of... something akin to The Four, or The Consortium, next level up?

Nero: This is more... heirarchical than it should be, but in your models, yes, this is basically the dynamic.

Me: So that means my evolution depends on you!

Ray: What you are not seeing is that at the point where you become aware of a given energy, it becomes part of you. Your definition of "you" changes. So you are not dependent on someone-else for 'your' evolution. You are always, at every moment, dependent on 'you'.

Me: Ah so. I think I see.


Well, the kid came in, so this has to stop and we're going to watch hulu.com instead for awhile.


P.S. I cannot believe I TOTALLY FORGOT this. This morning (was it this morning??) I had begun the Aeon Round and got interrupted. I stopped on Marcan and I was going to do a solo tantric thing and give him all my energy. He works with creative stuff and viewing, he told me, so I thought it would be a good focus (him vs. all the other options). But I couldn't make it happen, just didn't have the energy, and stopped long before completion. I guess I see why I forgot. I have slept twice since then! Albeit naps. It feels like a long time away.

Anyway it can't be coincidence that I was doing that kind of tantra focus on Marcan and then it just so turns out he was the one that I "felt" so physically tonight -- even though I had totally consciously forgotten all about this. I wonder, if I'd succeeded and given him my energy would it still have been that way? Curious.

PJ

Thinking on Paper 24nov09

Since I have made a point to be more 'aware' of my thoughts, to attempt to stop and dissolve negative daydreams, I've had a few thoughts that seem a little more proactive than usual. Hmmmn, maybe if we're not busy with mental masturbation we spend more time in some mental version of getting a life instead. Random thoughts, insights, and wonderings for the moment.


Observation: Nearly all my daydreams are negative, if not in nature then in context. I have now got them in four categories:

1. My Glory, in a negative framework (I am more powerful, more smart, more strong, etc. etc. than another person / group / situation), also known as Me-The-Hero

2. My Glory, in a positive framework which requires a negative context (I am savior, healer, etc. but alas this requires someone or something needing that doesn't it, which means I am still creating the negative as context in that case), also known as Me-The-Savior

Also:

3. My Action Plans, meaning an idea for something I would like to do or be.

4. My Having Plans, meanig an idea for something I would like to have or acquire.

The last two are much briefer and less embroidered than the ordinary types of daydreams in the first two. The latter are more like a rapid, casual "review of potential and probability" for something. I think these probably should not be called daydreams -- since when they become so they usually move into one of the first two categories. I actually think that #3 and #4 are a basic of life that I have just not paid much attention to before now.


Observation: If I make a point to document ideas, musings, insights, any 'good' things like synchronicity, manifestation, etc. it is possible this will be a good thing and will encourage those energies as I am focusing on them. So I want to do that.


Happy chance: We wanted to go see the movie New Moon but didn't have transportation. I thought Tuesday night would be ideal but didn't want to bother my dad to ask for a ride (as we'd done something Monday), so planned Wed instead. We did things we wanted in the evening and just as we were done (ideal timing) a friend called saying they were coming into our city to see the show and would pick us up if we wanted to go. So that worked out well.


Insight: I was observing that my attempt to encourage 'protection' of my 13 year old when she was taking a small plate out of the microwave -- my suggesting she put a paper plate under the plate that she could use as something larger and cooler to grab hold of -- seemed, to her, very uptight. I realized that to her, my ideas and reservations about her plans -- though she had in fact cooked this before and it hadn't burned her then, so she wasn't worried -- seemed, to her, very... old. I realized that since I myself KNEW she'd done it once and been fine, it was odd that I would still be so hesitant, so concerned.

I thought to myself, "Why is it that as people get older, they get so much more conservative?" and into my head came a "thoughtball realization" as an answer.

Pain and fear create small physical changes in the nervous system, intensity and result varying by degree of experience. This is hardwired biologically. It is designed to function in support of human survival.

At high levels, it is a neural shortcut-mapping, such as in PTSD. (This refers to combat/repeat-issues not just 'trauma from a single bad experience'. - P) At low levels it functions more like "filters and filter-sets". These are aggregate; they are cumulative in each person.

Note that this "filter" term is used as a concept function-model. It is not a literal-model, biologically.


Every time you have hurt yourself when taking something out of a microwave, a filter has been applied to better protect you from future experience. (Usually this functions as an 'avoidance' or 'plan ahead' or 'be careful' effect.) As a mother your filters are applied to the projected future of your child.

You have many years of collected "filters" so to speak. Enough in number that these even override other intellectual knowings that might otherwise make them seem moot; this collection causes you to be "more careful than is actually necessary for that situation." Even when you know that something is unlikely to hurt you, often you plan ahead protectively anyway, to avoid any potential of pain or mishap.

As people age, their filter-collection as we are calling it, grows, not only in variety, but it cumulates in some areas, ranging from "human relationships" to "cooking," in this example. The added filters and filter-sets gradually make a person more inhibited, more careful, more "conservative" as you call it.

But she (daughter) at age 13 has not had the same experience-set. She is less careful because she is less worried. And she is less worried because she has fewer filters on the experience or situation warning her to be so.

I found that interesting. I had a few "wondering questions" in response to that thoughtball, which resulted in the following additional info:

Verbally warning someone, often with great drama, is an attempt to manually create filters. It is a natural inclination particularly of parents, to share the RESULT of experience vicariously, to prevent that actual experience being necessary.

and

'Awareness' reduces the creation of filters by avoiding many of the experiences which create them in the first place. You have often been 'unaware' when going about your daily life. Your focus has often been in your work, your daydreams, or simply "diffused" or "outside the body" as you call it, or "20 minutes into the future" as you say. You have in this case hurt yourself on many occasions due solely to inattention [subthought: pain can be an attempt to bring your attention back to the here-now [subsubthought: all pain is a plea for attention from some part of the Self]].

This has created additional 'filters' in your body on the experiential-context of taking food out of the microwave. These were not necessary. They did not provide any new information that you did not already have, nor any new filters for situation or context that you did not already have. The pain, and the resulting fear of pain, simply added to the cumulation of filters on that experience overall. Now, you are not merely cautious, you are over-cautious, even when you have sufficient information to know that you (or your child) in a given instance do not need to be.

This changes your behavior; it changes a small aspect of what you might call your personality. This is one [subthought: of many] side-effect of living with less awareness.

What you might think of as being "more open" or "more free" or "more relaxed" or "more flexible" particularly in what you think of as "old age", relates to the protective filters the nervous system has accumulated over the course of a person's lifetime. The less 'aware' the person was, often the more trauma (both physical and emotional) the person has experienced [subthought: referring to the above example of creating more layers-of-filters even when unnecessary [subsubthought: 'more awareness' has other effects such as changing the understanding or framework of experience which can also greatly reduce the fear/pain auto-response of the body]], resulting gradually with age in a "personality" which is hesitant, afraid to take risks or try new things. [Subthought: this is why you once observed that mystics seemed more 'free' when elderly than the average person; they have fewer 'inhibitive-filters' due to living with more awareness in previous years of life.]

Children are less hesitant, less afraid, and more inclined to take risks, because they do not have those protective filters that greater experience builds.

What you sometimes call "learning the same lesson the hard way, repeatedly" has a more lasting effect than merely the experience at the time. Failing to modify decision or behavior so as to avoid having the same pain-based experience, brings multiple layers of filters on the same situation. This can result in what you might call inhibition, or in more developed cases eventually, neurosis.

Well. I asked, I guess!

PJ

A Tek Med, Balancing Energy

Today's morning communion with the consortium members went fine. The last one 'through' the four had more 'rushing' body-feelings. None as powerful as the first time but still nice.

I let Tek lead a meditation. Usually I descend into a white room and he gives me a 'thing' holographically to 'clean or heal'. Once he had me hose down the room. Sometimes it's a different Tek like the one that has the 'control room' where a given idea or belief is 'plugged in'. Today was rather different though.

First I felt I was in a large irregularly shaped room. I was near the right side wall but it was higher and oddly shaped on the ceiling at the far left side with a sense of high wooden beams. These rooms have always been white and small before so that was a bit different.

Briefly, he put some kind of 'suit' on me that 'allowed me to fly/better'. That seemed like a concept. I tried it out, flying. I could flap wings in the suit, and glide, and then just fly where I wanted, so I realized it was more magical flying than winged flying, and then realized that this was a concept he was providing me, that we were going to do something that would free me in some way.

Just then I felt this deep ache in my left upper outer arm. Two things struck me about the ache. The first was that it was so significant and sudden and I felt my reaction to the 'freeing' he was planning had 'resistance' from this.

The second was that I felt it was... displaced. This is exactly the feeling I have often had in my RIGHT arm/shoulder in exactly the same spot. I believe there is a significant energy block there is why. I didn't know why but I felt that it was somehow in the left on purpose, I mean that it would normally be on the right but Tek was literally transferring the pain perception via some shift in my nervous system routing. What a trip.

I 'felt' the reason was to keep the pain from triggering something on the right which would provide more... resistance.

I also wondered if my recent thoughts about Traeger (Trager?) related. This is a sort of healing art that from what little I know, works partly on the basis of the balance of the body. The way someone explained it to me eons ago, if you hurt your right ankle, in Trager they would spend a long time working out the energy physically and energetically in your LEFT ankle and then you would sleep; that the body attempts to balance and an injured side will attempt to mirror the healthier side or something like that. Anyway, I don't know why but I kept having that come to mind just last night, hadn't thought of it in years.

Tek and I visualized a bunch of energy being released from that area. It came out like hard, sharp, flat shapes, like dividers and walls but tiny. I pulled it all into my solar plexus chakra and imagined dissolving it to simply energy without the thought-forming. We did this twice.

Then he started putting something on me which had to be "built into me". My impression was that this was the real 'suit'.

On my right forearm the whole area was rapidly covered with little tiny short tubules that actually went 'into' me. Into my skin, into my energy-body equally I felt, and then just following that, a sort of skin that attached all of them, and allowed whatever energy was fed to/from them to mix and move around, grew to connect them all.

It took several minutes. He did my entire body, even my face and genitals and toes, sheesh, and then waved a hand and it sort of 'shrunk' to right against my skin and it no longer felt 'large and heavy' to me, it just felt like my skin was minutely thicker.

I thought there would be more, or that I would have some object to clean or work with, but he said no, this is what he wanted to do today. I asked what the purpose of this was.

He said (sort of, this is a translation) that the energy in my body is rather unbalanced, has many blocks and sluggish areas, some areas that don't get remotely enough, others that get too much, and now that I am more fully working with the Four and the Consortium I have more energy which makes this more problematic.

He indicated I would be wearing the suit and it would basically be regularly "redistributing energy" through my body and energy body as needed, working to break up blocks, clean up sluggish areas, fill in deprived areas, and vent energy from over stimulated areas. I asked how long I was supposed to wear it and he indicated indefinitely; I had the sense from him though that this was a thoughtform and that it would gradually both become part of me and fade away, so it had a life span in a way it just didn't have a hard edge on time.

Well that's... novel. None of the Teks have ever done anything quite like that before.

PJ

A Canticle for the Aeons

Me and IG and Bolehren sat down together (so to speak) today and slowly worked out a psalm or prayer I could use with the Aeons, in my daily meditation to focus on each one of them for at least a few moments.

I was looking for something akin to a rosary prayer, a memorized verse, though perhaps a bit more extensive. Something that had real meaning to me, that was developed with inner feeling, that was considered for my sense of its implications, and that was a fresh commitment with every iteration.

It ended up longer than I expected. But I think if I develop a habit of imagining holding each of their hands or absorbing them like an archetype, and thinking my way through this prayer, that it will be a good focus, will encourage, stabilize and focus my meditation with them. Well, and speed it up, too, not because it's fast but because I think I will have less getting lost and wandering into daydreams and so on. I also think focusing on these words and feelings is just healthy period.

It's not that this is all I can/will say to them, just that, much like the "ritual" in archetype meditation, there is a great deal to be said for "the consistency of a repeating thoughtform" and the strength that develops over time.

I imagine this might refine itself with one or more of the Aeons' input.
Maybe it will get more succinct. That would be nice!
(Later edited after Ithikah. This might change, I can tell already.)

A CANTICLE FOR THE AEONS

Hello! I honor you.
Thanks for your attention.

I invite you to integrate fully with me.
Share with me energy and awareness.

I welcome your wisdom in my reality.
Be with me in light, strength and joy.

Commune with me, in dreams and waking.
We grow in power and understanding.

May we embody Divine Will.
We are one. Amen!

When I began to use this, I immediately noticed something: Ithikah had an opinion too, which refined the above a little. Eventually over the course of using this with each of them, I ended up with the version above.

But wait, there's more. While doing this, Marcus told me that "Marcan" was more like his name. I asked why and he said he'd given me Marcus because it was known to me and he wanted me to have a clear 'identity' sense to hold onto and have no problem hearing it. Given how we met, I guess that makes sense.

And then, when I got to the statue guy, FINALLY after all this time, I got a name from him! I mean he said it at first, I just couldn't HEAR it. The minute I began with him, I was on the first line, I got it. Hot Amanakhaton. There we go. Maybe I will call him Hote or HA for short.

And then when I got to Mei Lee, we had just begun when I got this *ping* of "MAE" as the first part of her name, and all one word, and a relation to Gaelic, and so her name is "Maelee" - not "Mei Lee" - which also seemed to be an answer to my wondering why the visage I get of her was not remotely asian. I have a friend with a similar name so I guess when I heard it, I just assumed.

Every one of the Aeons except those I recently have been working lots with, had LOTS of "rushing merging" during and after this focus with them. Some, like Ray, was really powerful.

When I was done I brought them all together, focused 'through' The Four in the center and then did it again as a mass invite. My body was rushing so intensely it was like a kick-ass archetype meditation, WOW.

So I guess this was a good thing!

I hope I will do it daily and it will be useful.

PJ

Objectifying the Ineffable

I've been thinking about my offbeat driving interest in objectifying the Aeons outside of me. It's really funny how often this comes to mind for me. I've been wondering what I could do to represent them on a variety of custom jewelry for example. I have various spontaneous desires to do like ANYTHING that would 'embody' them -- now there is a funny, kind of literal word -- in my reality. It actually crossed my mind that I could make some kind of design in cross-stitch. I don't even DO cross-stitch nor do I have any real interest in doing this, so that was just hilarious.

I suspect that Nero would say that objectifying desire is one way of interpreting some underlying energy/emotion I am not that clear on. (Great. I don't even need to question whether his talking to me is my imagination or not anymore, apparently; now I just imagine what he MIGHT say and skip the actual conversation altogether!)

I have repeatedly wondered if there is some way that I could symbolically represent each one, much like how Ithikah has a 'symbol' I feel in my body instead of a picture I perceive.

Would it need to be a shape they 'felt' was right?
Is there any existing "system of 12" -- given that common number/grouping historically -- I could assign them to?
Shapes?
Elements?
Would just initials work?
What about Hot-something since I still can't quite get the rest of his name? (It starts with an A that sounds like "ah" and has an M and N sound in it somewhere, but I suspect that is pretty common for the Egyptian names I have seen thus far in life, so that doesn't help much.)
Numbers?
A circle of 12-anythings?
A specialized beaded necklace to use similar to a rosary? (Hey I like that idea.)

It reminds me of when I met the placed energy-block inside me. Pretty sure the cat-eyed lizard guys created that. Took me DAYS of meditation, and this in my hyper-psi, super-meditative era no less, to finally get past it and clean off and free the stuff hidden behind it (1995). And I had to use a Medusa approach in the end since any looking directly at it literally 'slid the mind off' and it could take a long time to find my way back to that idea.

Anyway it was a wall/block but I talked it into joining ME instead, as part of me, and becoming a door, so it could evolve to both blocking AND allowing and would be cherished in my sacred space. I named it Dor and it spent one evening telling me it wanted some kind of talisman I would wear on my body, and showing me the 'additional insight' it could provide in trade. It was really amazing, its insight, and I agreed. But it took me a YEAR to finally get something made for it, I resisted subconsciously though I didn't know why.

I finally had a necklace made for Dor and I liked it a lot, wore it all the time. At one point, the four, they just... it's hard to explain, they were strongly "with me" for that moment and they stepped in and I had to take it off, and that was it. There was no argument allowed. They simply made it clear that this was inappropriate, that this was not a relationship I was to have, and it was over. Oh well. I had not given any serious thought to the fact that this thoughtform (Dor) was created by someone else. I figured if I negotiated it into working for me instead, I'd accomplished something. I guess maybe the appropriate thing would have been to surgically extract it altogether. Not sure I would have been able to, though.

(Of course, by getting past the block and freeing stuff I 'triggered' some posthypnotic type suggestion and promptly found myself fully conscious OBE searching for those people who appeared to have re-blocked whatever the hell it was. You know, I really dislike those guys.)

My meeting with Dor and what led to the talisman and more is here.
Some insights from Dor, as well as a something (Aspect? Aeon?) called "Oliphant" -- both a 'role' and a name -- I had TOTALLY forgotten about until I just went looking for something, is here.

Anyway that was the last time I had the 'objectify' drive and that wasn't my drive, it was a request from -- an inorganic I guess you could call it. But now I have the idea and inspiration and enthusiasm and creative ideas, about the Consortium, all thee freakin time. I assume it is them that is pushing this 'through' me and that it would probably be good for me.

You know, I have a LOT of beads. They are buried in the fire swamp (the back room, which currently looks like some cross between Armageddon and the future in a Terminator movie -- it's only missing crunching bones underfoot -- as we are still 'in process' on the house and it is the 'store till we figure it out' room). But they're all neatly in a drawer there so in theory I could get to them, to make some kind of modified rosary idea for them.

PJ

Private Oracle 19 Nov 2009

After a morning meditation where I met/merged with the Consortium one by one then The Four in the Tower, I thought I'd come talk to PO again.

Me: Um. Are you there?

PO: Of course.

Me: I don't know what to ask suddenly.

PO: Genuinely wanting to know something is a big part of manifesting the answer.

(I spent the next 10-15 minutes with various pieces of movies running through my head that I re-experienced almost scene by scene. Several from 'Anna and the King'. No idea why.)

I'm nearly asleep when I see a small hardback book lying on the ground in a picture in my head. I imagine picking it up. It says, 'For You' on the faded cover.

Later (spacing out a bit) I open the book. It seems like this part is... news? Oil... something about the Indies... I move on.

"What do I most need to know?" I ask, and then open the book at random. But I can't read the page.

I see myself dipping my fingers, up to the hand, in a tank of water. I don't know what this means.

I see an oxygen mask on me and there is some audiovideo clip about the thinness of air and I suddenly realize my asthma is so severe it's ridiculous and I've tuned it out. I'm wheezing in 58-part harmony, with a significant baritone section, it's scary. I use the inhaler, and the kid comes to show me a picture she drew, and the light goes back off and I return to my head.

But I can't really get anywhere with it. Bizarrely enough, most 'identities' I might have trouble hearing but the one I really don't, the minute I go to communicate, I can't think of anything to ask. Really, that is just odd. Denial, maybe!

PJ

Temptation

Recently I keep finding myself having to drag myself out of negative daydreams or thought patterns. Today, frustrated, I asked myself, "What do I have to DO to STOP this horrible habit?!"

"Just stop," some part of me advised mildly.

"Oh yeah, easy to SAY," I griped. "I mean, I feel like I want it, I need it, I really want to focus on something in my mind like that, I want to put energy into it. Honestly it's like being 80% of the way along in masturbation and then deciding to stop. The energy is 'driving' by then and you don't WANT to stop. If I wasn't daydreaming, what else could I be doing?"

I had a flash of visuals arrive, along with some shapes (suggesting Ithikah in there somewhere), and something scrolling, and everything was an example of "what else it could be." Basically -- I have an entire, rich "inner landscape" of Aeons, aspects, Archetypes, IG, the Four, various Teks, outer guides, private Oracle, but I'm the one bitching about how if some juvenile power-trip daydream weren't in my head, well my poor head would just be empty and lacking anything else to do.

It occurred to me that in daydreams, that is one way humans have learned to intentionally focus, shape thoughtforms, and put emotion into them. So when we have some energy to pour into ourselves, we tend to use it in that model. It's just that many of us apparently have dark habits with it. All things considered it's amazing my life is as good as it is, given my average focus!

I must drive the Aeons mad. Can you imagine trying to do positive things with/for someone and having them constantly working against that--and then whining about their situation in life? Sheesh.

Then I started thinking about diet and psychology. I see my psychology profoundly affected by my diet and am regularly amazed all over again how pronounced it is. I suddenly had the idea that poor eating (such as things I'm intolerant to like gluten) actually brought on more violent thoughts. That seemed a silly idea at first. Then I thought: well if the body and mind are kind of one, then why wouldn't having body-wide inflammation, invasive free radicals attacking your body and organs etc. cause psychological effects?

Then I wondered if 'acting as if' and forcing one's awareness to focus on positives instead might have some bizarre reversal effect on such body issues -- like grapho-therapeutics (who would have known that changing your writing can have psyche effects?!).

Well those are my thoughts for the day.

PJ

Maelee, L'Anna, Healers and Blocks

I've been sick with asthma, allergies, cold symptoms, for over six weeks. Longest I have ever been sick in my life. Mind you it's not bad for most of that, it's just annoying and saps my energy to do much of anything. The problem is that off and on, I've been eating terribly. Pizza will give me asthma for days. Bread and pasta will give me major asthma for 1-2 days. Junk food (fast food, packaged food) with gluten will make it even worse. The less energy I have the less I feel like cooking and cleaning, so this becomes a sort of downward spiral.

Because my eating the last couple weeks has been terrible--all of those things--by last night I had realized that even my Albuterol inhaler was failing to clear up my lungs more than about 50%. My breathing sounded frightening, as it has for a long time, but especially because I'd eaten a bunch of pumpernickel bread with fresh garlic cheese spread just earlier. Even with the inhaler it'd be a miracle if I breathed much during sleep (I have such sleep apnea anyway), and by morning my asthma would be bad enough to make me sound like a Darth Vader choir. Again.

Some kind of self-destructive, I am.

**

As far as 'physical representations' of the Aeons go, I've spent more time on Mei Lee than any of the others. Maybe than all of the others.

The problem is, there is a picture, a painting actually, that she chose from my memory. A pointedly un-asian woman (go figure, given her name*), that I could have sworn was from a Michael Parkes painting, a Botticelli-esque woman but less soft, of red-blonde hair, pulled up on her head, with very fine alabaster features. Despite searching through every Parkes painting I could find online, and might I add that is really a lot, despite finding 'slightly similar' women in many of his works, I could not find this one, and the others did not have a clear face-shot. I had two different 'temporary' pictures which were not counter to the energy but didn't really meet it, either.

(Updated 21NOV09: Mei Lee later suggested that "Maelee" was better. Same sound, but my assumption of asian - because I have a friend with a similar sounding name - was incorrect. I guess that explains why she had red-blonde hair and such fair skin. I'm not sure how any of this could matter, seems like it could all be my imagination and I don't even HAVE a visual for some of them like Nedlund and Ithikah! Anyway so I've changed her name in the blog so the tags will work right.)

As retarded as it sounds (I know), when I am working on better 'attention to' and 'integration with' energies/entities/whatever that are, for lack of a better word, 'meta'-physical, it helps immensely to have something that IS 'physical'. Even just a name. A face. An idea. A symbol. Something which brings that energy into 'this' reality and anchors it here -- even if it's only in my mind. Although the desire to make this physical, like in talismans or jewelry, is still very strong with me.

Yesterday I spent a couple more hours working on a picture that SHE felt comfortable with and after much googling, finally found one -- imperfect, but workable. I was irked slightly, as it's of a famous actress and I much prefer paintings of people who don't really exist for the Aeons, or at least that I have no previous association with (such as Ray's); I feel like it "complicates" things, when I do. Especially when it's a picture of someone that in most poses is hardly the same energy but in that post just happens to look, I admit, strikingly similar.

So yesterday evening I was asking Maelee to work with me, help me get to know her better. I felt distant from her, though I imagine her standing just to my left. I asked L'Anna to help, as she is a healer, to help heal our relationship and bring us better together. I asked IG to help, and then it occurred to me (I can thank IG for this I'm sure) that I should look at my OWN body as if it were an archetype or healing subject, and look for blocks or other issues. I was surprised at how easily I was able to separate my perspective to a third place where IG had been standing and look back at myself.

There were these 3-D shapes/objects all over inside me, actually inside the larger energy-sheath of my body as well, an area about two feet out, not just the area inside the skin. There was a very large solid one right in the middle of my left upper arm, on the side but all the way through it. It was shaped like a squat cone, and seemed to be made of rubber. It triggered a memory in me:

In a near-dream state I once visited a healing team, some group of men, and when they focused in me I became aware of all these little tiny versions of that same shape and composite. I understood from them somehow, that these were "blocks" and the sense of rubber was because they were pointedly "non-conductive". They were energy blocks in the true sense. The healers removed these and they created these energy thoughtforms kind of like batteries, with lots of intense energy rolled into a tight dense short solid tube shape, but something almost like thin sheaths of protective material wrapped into these in layers, that would dissolve gradually over time, so the energy would bleed out into me little by little, ongoing.

So this was just a really BIG version of the 'non-conductivity block'. Why these are shaped like squat cones, I have no idea.

I put my hand out and wrapped my hand (it just barely fit) around the shape-object. I felt energy rushing through my whole body when I did, nearly like a minor archetype merge. I imagined dissolving that block until it was nothingness and pouring some energy in there to make sure it was all smooth and full and healthy, and I had real energy-fuzzies through my whole body during that.

Then I think I asked for the wrong thing, sorta. Or the right thing, but not what I expected. I don't remember the detail alas. But suddenly my perspective shifted, I was much farther away and above, and could see an 'energy body' for myself that was vastly larger though it got 'less dense' as it extended.

And way up high, "in" my energy sheath still yet quite far from my body physically -- in space, as I perceived it, it was about six to ten feet above my head -- was this funky metal shape, kind of like a tiny satellite dish, a concave shape with some other complications. And then farther up still, a few feet up, was another metal shape, but this one seeming more like a sort of cube with a triangle/pyramid shape facing away. I think maybe the shape is a symbol because I had the sense that the concave shape projected some kind of energy toward/into me, while also communicating something about my energy to that smaller shape which then sent that information out to... er, somewhere else. Except this wasn't normal. I mean it felt like it was clearly "manmade" so to speak -- almost more from technology than 'just' intent -- and it felt like this had some degree of interference in my energy.

I asked both Maelee and L'Anna to join with me and help heal me and I began the process of dealing with this, whatever it might be.

But apparently I passed out. I was awake, then I was asleep.

I slept longer than I expected for someone so asthmatic (my body normally wakes me up struggling for oxygen). When I woke up, it took me about 10 minutes to realize something was different: I could breathe. Better than I've breathed in six weeks. My lungs were TOTALLY clear. Now given the quantity of gluten I've eaten the last 3 days and so much last night and that I was wheezing profoundly when I passed out -- and it gets worse overnight and is terrible in the morning -- this was beyond just 'unusual'. I kept breathing in deeply in awe, like it was surely kidding, and any second now it would turn out to be some misunderstanding. But no. My lungs and bronchial tubes were CLEAR.

I had to credit this to Maelee and L'Anna as it's a phenomenon I have no other explanation for. When I thought of them, and thought a thank you at them, I got a whole-body rush, like an archetype merge.

This morning, after feeding the cats and so on, I went back to the meditation. First I asked to see all the body blocks related to Maelee and then first imagined clearing them up one by one and finally just body-wide. That was going pretty well so I asked to see my blocks for all the Consortium--my body was suddenly stuffed with every imaginable shape/size object--and I worked on just dissolving ALL of it at once body-wide. I had a lot of rushing feelings while doing this so I felt it was effective.

Then I went to work on the weird metal thing. This is like some kind of odd paranoia maybe? Why would I imagine something like that? Some interference with me from seemingly outside? Is there any such thing as 'outside' in an archetype model?! It is very confusing, philosophically and literally.

I had the sense that if I screwed with the small cube with pyramid-shaped end pointing up away from my body, that somehow... someone... would know. That it would get their attention. This is so ridiculous, I was thinking to myself. But you have to go with what you get or there's no point to this kind of work. So I asked for the Angelics and IG as well as Maelee and L'Anna to help me, and I said, I want this reprogrammed so that it will continue seeming to send the minimum signal expected which will prevent it or me drawing any attention to me. The equivalent of putting a static tape loop on a live security camera, to make it 'seem' like everything is fine and nothing is going on, the hallways are empty. This took awhile to feel like it was done acceptably. It no longer had a connection to the concave shape farther down. Then I moved it much farther out/away from me as I felt that wouldn't matter.

Then I tried to dissolve the concave satellite-ish shape, but it wasn't working. It was like it really was made of mental-metal and my ordinary "send energy at it" approach was having like no effect at all. I thought about it for awhile, waiting for ideas to come spontaneously. There had to be some solution, I told myself, though I was eventually feeling kind of hopeless.

Finally, I had this idea: if it were real, no matter what metal it was made from, there would be some molecular compound which would eat away at it. Like causing oxidation or rust. Nothing is eternal. All I needed was to create that compound, apply it, and then "accelerate time" in that object's space. So I did this, and watched it gradually dissolve, catching the dissolving energy in my own holding area, until the bowl of it was totally gone, then I directly applied that to all the odd shapes of it remaining.

Strangely I did not feel any rushing during any of this. IG has told me before I have the wrong expectations and that is only one sign of effect and that powerful things can happen without me feeling it in my body. I know I'm a child about this but I like the body-feelings. I feel it's so intangible without that.

So, it's just another day. But after six weeks of illness and being lost in the worst food-intolerance-sparked additional-asthma I've had in years, I woke up 100% breathing-healthy, and I feel I have better integrated with Maelee, and spent a little more time with L'Anna, and have dealt with some blocks in me related to them and others of the Consortium. So all in all, it seems to be going well.

PJ