A Heavy Issue, Take I

I'm SO sleepy but felt I needed to record this before I sleep and forget most of it. I did record most of the conversation part in my notebook as it was happening, but it's barely legible.

Tonight I ran in to see IG, concerned I'd be too sleepy. I just hugged her. For the first time ever, I feel a sort of maternal sense about my IG. Maybe that is natural. Anyway I said, "I don't know what to work on. I don't want to do one of the things you give me that are so intangible. All my ideas seem kind of trivial or stuff I've done before. What is important, that I should ask for?

I had this sudden memory. Fairly recently my boyfriend said, "You know, it amazes me that you've done so much heavy duty internal work, and yet while you consider your weight a major issue in your life, you don't meditate on that." He's right. He doesn't care about it, but I do, and I guess it IS weird that I haven't made that a meditation point. Being fat ruined my life to a great degree, the way I see it, and blitzed metabolism that brought that on, kept it on, and makes it damn hard to lose (I've lost about 40% of it), just perpetuates the problem.

I thought that sudden memory was IG giving me an answer. So I said, "OK, I want to meditate on "my problem with extra bodyfat" now."

I sneezed violently.

I said dryly to IG, "Well that's gonna be quite the meditation I bet." IG seemed amused, in a good way, the first time I've got that sense from her.

I turned to see the arch. It took me a moment before I could see this round wheel-like thing, some flat shape sticking out of it. I thought a person was there somewhere but couldn't get them clearly.

My BF and I had been talking about "mental tools" in NLP (and designing them for RV use). I'd tried one before, 'tuning my head' so I 'saw' the frequency of the 'invisible' arch that turned out to be the (concealed) Bolehren. So I tried it again. I imagined an old ham radio-like knob in the center of my forehead but slightly lower, where I've perceived the 'third eye' chakra, and I assigned it to "fine tune visual focus" and I played with it until I felt I could see well enough.

The target was a man in a wheelchair. He was probably in his 35-55 range (I'm terrible with age guessing), overweight, with the big-belly style some men get (oddly, I'm not a man, and I don't have the belly, so go figure). His face was sort of red, and he seemed ... upset. Like the kind of man suffering sleep apnea without knowing it, who is a raging ranting bull at the drop of a hat. His wheels were kind of large and there was some odd flat rectangle things sticking out of them.

For once, I had the clear feeling that I could actually TALK with this arch. I don't get that often. I love it when I do!

Me: Why are you crippled?

Him: You! It's you! You do everything wrong! I hate you!

I was taken aback. He was waving his arms, trying to reach me to 'get' me but trapped in the chair. His face was now twice as red and he looked like he was just enraged. I wondered what this meant. Does this mean I hate myself? What do I do wrong? I decided to ignore his anger but stay out of reach of his hands.

Me: What do the things on the wheels represent?

Him: Adaptations. Extra balance and function. I build things to help deal with it all.

(I hoped dearly that this would not imply my programming websites, which counts as building things, was in some way related to my weight. I mean give me a break! I decided it probably related more to personality or physical adaptations.)

Me: Are you truly angry at ME?

Him: I hate you. I want to kill you!

He began swinging to reach me again and I stepped back again. He sat back, giving up, but looked at me with boiling resentment. I had the sudden overlay of this truly hilarious essay someone once wrote about meeting Martians. I'll dig it up tomorrow and post it.

Me: Well you have an odd way of going about it.

Him: Your defenses. Can't use a knife or a club. But I can make my weight such a burden it'll eventually pull you under.

Me: Hmmn. Do you relate at all to the "weight of guilt" I struggle with?

Him: The weight of guilt, the weight of body, in our case it's all connected, and there are other forms it takes.

Me: Well... but why do you hate me?

Him: I can't take any more pain. You don't protect me!

Me: Now? Or in my past?

Him: There is only ever the now for me. For you it's the past.

Me: But... why are you in a wheelchair instead of walking?

Him: I'm too weak to defend myself or get away!

Me: This is starting to sound like a child abuse energy frankly.

Him: NO SHIT!

I almost laughed. I've never had an archetype swear before! It was funny, but I didn't think he'd appreciate my laughing. I had a sudden suspicion.

Me: I love weight lifting. I have some emotional problem that interferes. Do you know anything about this?

Him: I am weak! I am not strong!

I sighed. Well that's kind of interesting. But it seemed to me the symbolism of my child self -- pretty severe child abuse in various forms physical and psychological around 9-15 age -- was operational here. What I don't understand is, although I was never skinny, I was never pointedly overweight until I gained over 200 lbs in less than 2 years in my early 20s. And the irony is that this is when I was finally FREE of authority figures. I mean, I was working 60 hours, commuting 4.5 hours a day on the 405 in Los Angeles, going to night school studying hypnosis, sleeping about 4 hours a night, only having time / place to eat once a day (Del Taco at 1am!), and in addition to serious chronic sleep deprivation, I was massively stressed out. So I can understand how those conditions led to major body issues--and ok, I can see how my childhood might have resulted in my seriously over-driven, self-punishing personality, true. What I don't understand is why my archetype for being fat wouldn't relate more to THAT era, rather than to the nightmare of my childhood. I mean doesn't it seem like I would have been fat IN childhood, if that was the source? Was the 'big scary angry fat man' some symbol more from my childhood perception of someone? I decided to quit trying to psychoanalyze myself since I was supposed to be talking to the archetype.

Me: What if I healed you, and made you strong?

Him: Strong enough to fight or run?

Me: Strong enough to rule the world.

He got rather still then, looking at me as if he were afraid to hope. I wondered how crazy it was that since the talk began I had a constant sense of different emotions coming from him. I wondered if this was another child overlay (children are so obvious to read). Then he said:

Him: "That would be good."

Me: I tell you what. You are SO special, I'm going to dedicate not 1 but 3 meditations just to you. I promise when we are done, you'll be Superman. Literally, if you want.

Him: That's... great. OK.

Me: For this first one, even just our talk will help some. And I'd like to shake your hand and trade energy. Can I come near you, without you hurting me?

Him: Yeah, it's ok.

I gave him a red cape and told him he'd be using it before long. I didn't really grok what he gave me, only that it was multiple things he put in various parts of my body, that felt like the parts "where my body pieces joined" -- each of my pelvic joins to leg, my shoulders where the arms join, my neck, and one in the middle.

We merged. I didn't feel any rush at all, but I "felt the merge" -- oddly, that is how I felt when I merged with IG that time.

I turned to IG. But before I could say anything, I had this visual. To my left (her right, I faced her), about 20 feet away, was something like a conveyor system that held from above, rectangle playing cards. Like 8 of hearts I thought I saw, but wasn't sure, but it seemed clear it was the four typical patterns of cards.

I recognized the symbol after a minute. It was modeled on a visual from the movie "Monsters, Inc." where there is this huge area where conveyor clips-on-cables carry doors (rectangles) around.

Then I thought: cards. Cards! This is a clue. This is some symbolism that I think means the tarot. Why is it that IG doesn't just SAY it to me, if I need to meditate on something?

IG: You are not always open to 'new' information via audio. If you think you thought of it, you are open to it.

I looked at her with some droll humor and suspicion. It reminded me of my BF telling me awhile ago that it was just like a woman, that my IG was giving me ideas "that I would think were mine" for meditating on.

Me: So I feel sure this means Tarot. That I need to meditate on something Tarot. Thoth is the only deck I have handy. And I know nothing of it and aside from about 3 of them I vaguely remember, I don't even know what the cards are. Aside from 'Adjustment', and that meditation sucked mind you, I don't think I've even looked at one of them in eons. Maybe years.

I looked over at the playing cards moving around in the air beside us. I tried to 'see' one clearly. I had a flash of something..

Me: Wands.

My right leg spasmed violently.

I closed my eyes and waited, like in RV, for the next data point.

Me: Red. Feet? Seems like feet or print of feet, but also red.

Both of my legs spasmed more violently.

Me: Horse? I think.

My entire body spasmed wildly.

Me: For godssakes! And won't THAT meditation be fun I bet. IG, I'm having a hard time here. I can't get what card it is specifically. I can feel my body is so reacting it won't let the energy through.

IG: If you don't recognize it on just going through the wands of the deck, use Biogram. Ask for the abreaction when you reach it.

Me: OK then. God. That's -- sheesh. What a reaction.

I had the feeling that the card related to me and my past (eg the abuse element or something). Frankly I felt an odd sense of minor trauma just in the vague flashes of something I couldn't make out. I guess I should do that one before I get back to the other two with tonight's archetype.

Must sleep now.

PJ