Knight of Wands, part 2

My boyfriend and I talked about it. The previous meditation had been so hard. Moreso later, oddly enough; during the meditation it was horror and nausea. But hours later, in a brief prayer for more help, I found myself sobbing uncontrollably about it. It must have touched something raw.

I said I wished I could ask for ... fewer 'representatives'. Why couldn't quantity be represented by intensity, or complexity, or something like that, something more reasonable for me to deal with. It's happened before, after all. But I felt maybe it would be rude, since the numbers had been given me seemingly on purpose. My BF argued this. "Maybe the point was only to convey scope," he suggested, to paraphrase. I thought about this for awhile a bit later. Why not at least ASK what could be done to make it do-able? For that matter, why not do a pre-meditation stage where I went and asked for help from every source I could think of?

The last part's what sold me. I imagined The Four helping me. And my body techs. And my actual guides and the consortium and the indistinct but numerous guides I perceive shadowy on my plateau. And the GWBMAT I called last time. And a religious entity -- or ten. And all of my powerful archetypes. Come on, how could I not succeed with all that power behind me? With The Four I already feel I can do anything. With "everything" helping like that... what wouldn't be possible?

So I did it. I turned on my 'brain' playlist, which has a dozen bineural-tech selections, all voiceless mixes except one generic one; mostly Wave VI from HemiSync and a few from BrainSync. I gave it time while I did other things quietly, letting myself pick up the altered state.

Then I went through my inner space and asked for literally everybody one at a time, a group at a time. And IG added every planet in our solar system to the archetype mix (as well as moon) to help me. And eventually when I had nearly everybody I could think of, sans a few religious entities I didn't ask, I imagined that I was in the middle of the archetype working area and I started to imagine that I was centered and that they would all be around or behind me.

But the minute I was done and imagined myself centered, this unbelievable RUSH hit me, and I gasped out loud and my eyes flew open, and just as I was getting over that another wave of rush hit me, every hair on my body standing up and the buzzing all through me, then several more smaller but still fairly intense waves crashing into me one right after the other, and I could feel clearly that all of those energies were joining me, merging WITH me, all at once, though staggered in waves. When done I just sat blinking for a minute. I hadn't expected that.

I asked the man of the archetype if we could have fewer representatives. He vanished himself and all the beds vanished and then before me, four people appeared. Each one seemed to be significantly odd in some way, as if it were the summary of a certain kind of energy. I went to the one on the far right and 'began'.

Along with having a face a lot like a monkey, when I went around the back of the arch, it was hollowed out. It was missing in the most horrible way, as if burned out into a shell. So the front seemed ok but the back, in every part of the body, had been sort of hollowed out. I was reminded from a scene in a movie that marked me when I was a little girl, from 'The Hindenburg', where near the end there is this guy who seems ok and actually answers a question, then pitches forward and you realize that his whole back/torso has been burned out. I had the impression that this archetype had this quality but that the quality of each of these "pieces" of the arch would be significantly different.

Dealing with it was easier said than done, though I have no words to describe a certain intensity or depth that made it different than the surface description sums up.

Unfortunately by the time I reached that point I had been meditating awhile and had gotten so altered state and so heavy into it that I was starting to lose traction on the autonomy. I felt that my intent and many of the identities now part of me for the cause, were still driving it, despite that I would need to come back consciously and finish. I lost conscious control at some point and memory beyond that, although I feel some things happened later.

I'll go back. I think I can do this, and it will work out, though it is not easy to understate it. I am relieved to think it is possible. I had seriously questioned if it were even do-able for me. I think it is.