Bolehren, and Denial

Last night it was time to meditate, but I found other things to do.

Later, I realized I was getting too sleepy and had to meditate while I still could, IF I still could, but I found other things to do.

Later, I realized I was exhausted and needed to sleep, but I was adamant with myself that I would not sleep until I had meditated... and I found other things to do.

Later, it was 3:45 AM, and I was thinking my God, you must sleep already!, when I noticed a book on my shelf and was suddenly fascinated with "Crochet in plain English."

It was then I understood that obviously I was in some kind of avoidance-denial. Nobody, especially someone who only crochets once every year or two and really badly, is fascinated with a book on crochet at 3:45 AM. Get real.

So I forced myself to go to bed. I was ridiculously over-tired by then, of course! I had intended to meet with Bolehren. Funny enough, I could not remember her name. I finally had to copy the text of her name onto a desktop 'sticky' because my memory of it would only last about 10 minutes before I couldn't remember it again and had to look it up. This is also an obvious sign of denial.

Since she is like Nero, who is with me always, there is no required meditation space or archetype world or whatever. I rolled out my meditation space though, and I called her and she appeared, as Nero does, but I couldn't perceive her nearly as well. I imagined that we held hands, her in front of me, and I tried to 'accept' enough that I could communicate at least a tiny bit.

Me: So you're... a guide. For what?
Bolehren: Insight.

I tried to remember what Nero had told me about his role. I 'intuitively understood' that his degree of power/contact with me was probably similar to hers, but on a different focus.

Me: Insight for what?
Bolehren: Internal issues, personal relationships.

I considered what I have heard/read about 'guides' on the internet and in the new age world. I don't remember anybody ever telling me that their guides were focused in certain areas. Usually if they had guides, they just 'had guides'. I wondered why mine seemed to be so specific.

I would have done more, but I passed out.

This morning I woke up late, barely in time to get to work. (I work from home but it still requires 15 minutes of a long computer boot and special logins and so forth.) So I missed my meditation time.

I feel, still, some sense of denial. I will go to IG and let her choose my archetypes today, rather than the ones (including Bolehren) I had planned.