Inner Turbulence

Every morning and every night I have tried to meditate. I hadn't actually gotten to doing so, though, since Sunday morning, and it was Tuesday night. Sleep is the easiest form of denial. Staying up too late so that's inevitable... sigh.

I made it to IG this morning despite several valiant inner attempts at distraction. I discovered a few daydreams that I felt emotionally impelled to go explore right now instead of meditating, but I recognize that by now, and refused. I wandered several times even once I made it to IG, but brought myself back.

A yogi I read once said that if most people in the West had bodies as uncoordinated as their minds, they'd be lucky to make it across the street alive. That's me.

So I grounded myself and really focused and really forced myself to be "here now with" IG and felt my whole emotional-body react. It was obvious to me, from the feeling, that I was specifically avoiding, afraid of, refusing, resisting, my Guides. By which I mean Taan, Nero and Bolehren. I had some substantial energy issues unresolved related to them that had combined to a blocky, spiky, dark unwillingness.

I had noticed earlier, without giving it more thought, that I had such an issue with the guides-thing that I pointedly told IG, "No more guides. I only want archetypes." Even though intellectually, I know The Four introduced me to the Consortium eons ago and I am supposed to be 'becoming aware' of all of them. And yet what, two years later, I've only just met 2 out of 3 (and there's like 12-16 or something) and I can barely stand even that. And IG basically forced the last two on me; I certainly didn't go looking for them in the Tower, with the Four, where I would have expected them to be. I feel like she 'snuck them in' under my radar to some degree. And while I trust her and trust that it's right and the guides themselves seem cool, still, inside my whole body, I just feel a sort of ... "upset" about the whole thing.

I can't get my head around why my insides react like this. My head thinks the idea of guides is kind of groovy. Ooh, aaah, cosmic, dude. If nothing else, it's a useful mental construct, even if it's only me talking to myself with a new name. What's the big deal? Why should it matter? Why is talking to an archetype or IG any different than talking to a guide? Why is 'awareness' of guides I already have so threatening?

Is it awareness of part of myself I normally avoid? Is it like psi, where the sudden expansion of awareness in scope leaves the ego trying to protect such a large territory-of-self that arrogance and paranoia result from its strain? (That's my theory on it anyway.) My mind does not have any "logical" reason for why my body and emotions react as they do to any exposure to my guides. Despite that I have a crush on Nero--feeling shy yet wanting to impress him every time I focus on him--despite that I really WANT to expand my awareness... I feel how I feel.

A long time ago, I used to pray fiercely for evolution. "I want to EVOLVE!" I would say with great powerful longing. (Best done with frankincense and myrrh, a fat purple candle sitting on your sailboard in the dark, inside your RV van conversion while the two kittens watch with wide eyes, perched on your guitar case, and Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison look on from their giant tie-die cloth posters.) Later, I felt I did 'evolve', radically, waaaaay too quickly, and I realized, as I said in Bewilderness, that I understood now why evolution was normally slower, and I didn't want to grow that fast ever again.

I wondered if I should have asked for something other than 'to evolve'. Maybe I would have got nothing but sweet happy stuff if I'd asked right. Maybe getting entities and aliens and occult and egyptian and celtic and modern symbols all in a bizarre collage was a side effect of my database query with a wildcard symbol. That will teach me to use boolean logic! Later I thought it reminded me of that great line from comedian Lily Tomlin, who said: I used to say, when I was a child, that someday, I'd grow up to BE somebody! -- ...now I realize, I should have been more specific.

The turbulence this morning was so obvious I immediately said, "Just give it to me as an archetype while I can still focus!" and I whirled around to deal with it as fast as I could, worried that with that degree of "inner jumbling upset" something would distract me.

The archetype looked like a very large fat insect with about a bazillion tiny little claw-things. I felt nauseated and disgusted. I called for Sun, Jupiter, and IG said, "and Venus" and added her, and I called for the Angelics, and they all willingly part-merged with me while I did a "monsoon-rain of love" upon it and us. It took a bit but finally it seemed to be smaller with less disgusting overlay.

Then we did a 'bright sun of love' as intense light against it, which (this is common for this kind of symbol) 'dried-out' the insect-like shell and made it fragile and prone to cracking. Then I brought in the 'severe winds of love' (why not?) and pressed against it from all directions until its shell cracked and it went flying off all over the place. I imagined that all those pieces got put in the waste disposal systems of my body and went back to it.

There were now three pieces, of three sizes. They were black and soft but firm, like large elongated eggs. Which felt kind of gross in a way, but much better than the initial arch had. I imagined sending "pure love energy" at their centers, and I asked the Angelics to help me do it right and trusted they would, as they were touching my back again, and I just kept pouring it into the three pieces until I could feel the smallest one starting to reach maximum absorption.

I kept pouring, and suddenly it hit some max-point and the whole outside sort of bloomed from the inside into a colored (pink or purple) fuzzy surface. That was novel. I looked at it for a moment, wondering what on earth it was supposed to be. I had the feeling that it was ok now--this was the final/good state of it. I wondered if that smaller colored piece was supposed to represent Bolehren, the smaller female of the guides.

I worked on the other two pieces. The slightly smaller one eventually did the same thing, except the texture and color were different; soft texture, but darker color, but I couldn't make out exactly what. It reminded me of remote viewing where often I sense something but it's fuzzy so I get the concept but not the detail. Then we worked on the last one, and finally when it inverted/bloomed/whatever, its texture was really long, like thick bear-fur or something. I wondered if this represented Nero.

I was still in a hurry--worried I'd space out in some fashion--so I grabbed something from inside me I can't even remember and put it into the middle of each of the three, and some part of them appeared in me, and I pulled them into me in a merge. The feeling was extremely mild. I'd hoped for better. But I did feel that the most severe part of my resistance has been dealt with and I won't have such an evasion of meditating 'lest I have to deal with my guides' anymore.

I had to work then so that was that.

My boyfriend and I were talking about how if you meditated even once a day you could still do 350+ per year, and as you can often do more than one at a time... well gee, if you spent a year making an effort for these, you could really work through a lot of stuff. We had been talking about how we wanted to do major body parts and systems, astronomy, tarot, every issue in our life, and how long that made the list, but if one really does this work consistently, you can get through quite a lot.

I don't know why I feel like, if I knew WHY I had such turbulence about my guides, that somehow I might feel better about it. Like at least it would make sense to my left brain. But I have the clear feeling inside that if I asked them, I would 'resist' their answer so much I couldn't perceive it.

If they are partially merged with me, does it mean I am afraid of myself? That reminds me of a quote from Bewilderness, when I really was. Wow, 13 years ago, and it still applies today as it did then, I guess.

I don't mind being an archeologist on myself. I just want to know how to classify what I find. Is it a treasure or a virus? What will make me grow? What are the consequences or potential end results of the different ways of growing? [...] I simply can't be the first person to wonder this. I should learn astrology so I can blame being such a pinhead on it.

Bewilderness, chapter 13