Ackrck and Wandering

Three separate topics this morning.

The first: I reread my last archmed post and I swear it was so 'fluent' it sounded fake to me. If I had read that a few years ago, before I met the Aeons, before I had my current IG and her style, I would have thought it was either lying or insane. It just sounds... I dunno. Crazy. On the other hand, isn't the hope of doing anything that one would get more fluent with it over time? Maybe if it was all as stilted and confusing as it was three years ago there'd be something wrong.

I have some belief system that it's supposed to be hard. Like with that particular archmed (only half-finished). I realize the request was in a nutshell mental flexibility and more, and the whole experience is literally about that -- jumping in and out of whole experiential worlds, keeping track of where and who you are. I was expecting a normal archetype and maybe there will be one still (as I'm not done with that working), but maybe she just took me to exercise that literal thing! I probably would have been lost in sleep, daydream, or confusion, if I'd had that archmed experience even a couple years ago. But when I just look at it directly: Oh I went to some inner realm where there were lots of doorways to other {dimensions? probabilities?}, and went to worlds of metro city and whale-things and baby thoughtforms in nothingness! that seems so ridiculous.

I don't know WHY, except that I feel like there should be some whole major effort for that. You should have to like, get super altered state and it should be rare and amazing and... harder. It being relatively easy and fluent, I guess it just suddenly amps up the always latently-lurking 'you're just making it all up' feeling.


The second topic: one thing I haven't mentioned is that the whole developing-cosmology of the Consortium has really pinged my fear of getting "driven off-track". You know, the whole "I went into the study to find spiritual wholeness and ended up wearily selling crystals in Sedona a decade later" that I've seen so often. Some part of me fears that it might be... "distracting." That anything that is not God is at risk of replacing God.

I realize that I am not going to pre-know and understand every experience and the whole possible context before/during it, intellectually. Even best-case this comes some time afterward, historically. Part of me really is getting better at "faith and trust" in this area. But in compensation, my left-brain is getting even more concerned, on observing how much less doubt and worry and cynicism and distrust that I have now compared to what I used to.

So maybe in compensation, I've been praying more. I put a line about divine will in my mantra with the 12, and I pray to God-Just-God regularly, in the hopes that if there is anything "off-center" in what I am doing, my overriding intent will pull it back in line.


Topic 3: This is bizarre. I woke up this morning and "Ackrck" -- the spelling of a name some entity was giving me very specifically -- was in my head. My laptop was on, and I typed it on a post-it and then fell back asleep again. An hour later or so, my daughter touched my arm to wake me up, and before I was even awake, I said loudly, ACKRCK!! and then opened my eyes, startled awake by myself more than her, and she was like, "What the heck? What is that? What kind of way to wake up is that?!"

I saw where I'd typed it on the post-it note, and realized that I'd been talking to whatever-it-or-them-that-is while I'd been sleeping the previous hour, but my memory couldn't hold onto it. It-he-they made massive effort to be SURE I got that name, I "knew" that part, he wanted me to know it, remember it, record it, so I wouldn't "lose" him. But my mind wasn't able to hold onto anything else but that one yelled-spelled word.

The funny thing is that this really IS the spelling though it's impossible in english. I've talked often of how I get names and many of the sounds don't exist in our language. Well that name's sound doesn't at all really, but that english is the best match to it, even though it's not even workable phonetically -- it works in the 'deeper/fuller' language internally.

Also, hebrew has only consonants. I happened to be reading about various Thelemic stuff yesterday, much of which is based on Kabbalah, which is (mostly) based on Hebrew. So most Hebrew translated directly to English looks kind of like that. English tends to 'add vowels' to flesh things out to make the right sounds. Hebrew uses diacritical marks to indicate vowel-sounds.

No idea what it is though. Some wandering entity? My HGA? I would think if it were the latter I'd feel awed instead of just humored.

I'm disinterested, it seems distractive, I have more than enough to deal with already thanks, so I don't intend to do anything with that at all, at least that's how I feel right now. I'm blogging it because of my vow to myself to blog all my internal stuff as part of validating the focus and not forgetting.

PJ