Neshama, Faith & the Angel

I'm less concerned about being led astray by others than by myself.

After all, others as teachers can always be only temporary. One eventually moves on and sees the world from another perspective. But how less likely is it, how much more difficult is it, that we move on from the prejudices of ourselves?

When you learn thing-A from person-X, and along comes Apples and Albatross that validate thing-A, you think to yourself, "I guess he is right, at least so far." But when you learned it from your own conclusions or discoveries, your ego says, "You see? I am RIGHT!" We are seduced by the mating of our desperate need to know and our desperate need to believe we know.

Worse, our paradigms structure our perception of everything that comes after. The original self-fulfilling prophecy was probably, in fact, a prophecy of self-fulfillment, followed by someone's fatal collapse into a vortex of the mirrors-of-confirmation.

As long as I don't really need to have faith in something, the logical side of me feels safe. I can keep my skeptical, vaguely cynical separate-perception, and opine about all sides of any issue, feeling smugly superior about my Wiser Wider Perspective. Then my ego is happy enough. That right brain is firmly in line, barefoot in the kitchen and not getting too uppity!

But when it comes time to "put out" for faith, my logical self becomes a nagging mother of the intellect's alleged-virtue. "The only thing that belief can give you is a bad reputation!" Yes, mother. I promise I won't get in the backseat with that leap-of-faith. I have in my pocket protection via cynical-objectivity. I'll be home to my familiar limitations by 10pm, I swear.

*

Once upon a time, in the early-mid 1990s, I was a former skeptic. My hypnosis work had cracked open my mind a little bit. Archetype meditations and hands-on energy work further expanded my inner horizons, until the day my kundalini and my crown got acquainted, and my inner world got splattered all over my outer reality more colorfully than usual.

I began having some very strange experiences. "Visions" that came on me suddenly of many kinds, including one type where a big blonde man in some other world was also me, the same 'source-energy' as me, although he was a also a little more besides. Alternate realities and timelines. Subjective space and perception. Psychic flashes and entities in the night. It spiraled downward into a chaos that had everything from catholic symbols to cockroaches, from grey aliens to mind control, from cat-eyed lizard guy "Guardians of Earth" to the long-head Egyptian-like woman of "spiritual royalty" and her mate, who were part of me and the blonde in a relationship of Four which with chakras alit was just like a 3D 'Tree of Life'. From cataclysmic visions of earth's doom to an Aslan-like Lion, from the geometric language you feel inside to the blue-eyes-of-soul that finally saved me, after a horrible 'Nothingness' experience vacuumed the divine light right outta me, I fell in love with trees and merged with numbers and got pulled out of body and could feel 'Truth' through my skull and in my gut.

The only single thing I can say about all that is it was 'exhausting' to a degree there is no way to convey. The only thing consistent was the buffet-style impressionism. There was not any model that could begin to hold and validate more than a fraction of my experience. Seth had the only metaphysical framework without a doctrine, and I clung to it for dear life. Thanks to he and Jane I wasn't crazy, I didn't need medication; I wasn't evil, I didn't need an exorcist; I was just metaphysical, and it was all very "interesting."

Then I got married and had a child and became a single mom and have spent the last dozen years "surviving."

Sure, I've had the occasional dream, vision, meditation, psychic flash, these things sometimes in cycles, but for the most part, awareness has been "under the radar" for me for a very long time. My relationship with the Four has continued, but not much else.

Now I'm wondering if it is possible that I am "picking up where I left off."

Alrighty then. Where was I again?? I'm kidding. I didn't even know then.

*

What have I been doing all this time, I wondered?

When I think about it, actually I haven't been inert. I have learned a ton about the human mind, about transpersonal psychology, about psychic functioning, about science frameworks for psychic application -- just "stuff." I've learned about many things that have impacted upon my feeling, miraculously, "comfortable" with most of my previous experience. That have left me relatively comfortable that wherever this goes, wherever I find myself, I'm ok with it.

That would have seemed totally impossible a dozen years ago. It might have been impossible if much of the experiences had continued. It's like I've been existing in some cerebral universe of learning "about" things but, aside from a little psi and a little dreaming, not experiencing much. When previously, it was all nothing but experience, with so little to balance the logical side I often felt like I was half an inch from completely losing my mind.

Oddly I don't feel bad about the last dozen years. I mean I don't feel like I've been wasting my time. I feel like I desperately needed rest and recuperation. And I desperately needed to wrap my intellectual brain around a lot of stuff. And frankly I have to admit I've gotten a good chunk of both of those things.

*

One problem that remains is this: if I go read about things, in an attempt to better understand intellectually, or find correspondences to my internal experiences, it will cause me to invalidate any additional experience I have which seems to follow "stuff I already read about." I will think I'm making it up, that I'm deluding myself.

So on one hand, I feel like if I knew more about the subject of any given idea or experience or symbol, I might be more competent when working with it or talking to it or understanding it. On the other hand, the more I "know," the less I am able to come by genuinely spontaneous experience. It affects me if I have the pre-pollution of "expectation."

I'm mostly sorry I even googled "Aeon" and "12 Aeons". Even just the little reading I've done related to that has messed with me. I find myself right in the middle of communication and symbolism, stopping it to question myself or everything else: Are you saying that X is Y? Did you get this idea from what you read? Does this mean that? Are you just making this all up now?

I will not google anything further. Just what I get by accident from occasionally reading a forum is probably too much already.

The worst effect from 'front-loading' information is expectation. This has two forms. The first is that it may cause you to reject all kinds of things that do not share the assumed-form or detail. This can be done even below the level of conscious awareness. The second is that it may cause you to "filter or distort" what does come through into something with which you are familiar.

*

In 1994, I was in the midst of all that chaos when I met a man who claimed to have some idea what it all meant. He was patently just-over-the-borderline schizophrenic, but then again, anybody with my own experiences could have been classified as that, save for my maintaining a high degree of "functioning" within modern society. He had actually heard of some of my experiences or something like them. Well it turns out they were not that unique, so probably many people had, but at the time, I didn't know that. Despite my distrust of him and his ideas personally, I listened. I looked for anything that might give me a signpost. Something to validate that it all meant something.

One day he told me about what he called the Noshaimus. I had told him about the blonde man who "was also me", with the unusually large blue slightly slanted eyes. He said there was a group of the nordics, the alleged blonde aliens, that were said to be more spiritual. He was a fanatic "Urantia Book" reader and I thought (might have been wrong) he got the term from that.

December 1994, in the middle of what I called an "Isis" experience, where "we" dug through the ice on a mountain to reach a huge gold sarcophagus containing the long-headed Egyptian-looking woman who is the 2nd of 4:

The blonde-me is looking at me, very closely, looking into my eyes, and he says very slowly, clearly and distinctly and seriously like he wants me to understand and remember: I am Noshaimus.

I woke up baffled. How did that guy's funky terminology get into my experiences with my Four?! No fair!! The Four, they were valid -- but he was a lunatic! I was really upset about it. I wrote the guy after that and told him:

Now damn it, it was going fine until your symbolism showed up in my spiritual experience! Isn't that some Urantian thing? The only place I ever heard that term was from you, though he pronounced it differently. And thanks to that, now I don't trust myself. I don't trust my own "spirituality." I don't trust that it's "valid." Now I feel like I have to distrust every experience because they're obviously being colored by external belief systems or influences on me. This makes me SO mad, because this stuff is important to me! I feel like I've tainted it with outer beliefs or something.

So from then on, I accepted that this 'other aspect of me' was of that part of the Nordics, and I still do suspect he IS, because both before and after that, I've had plenty of experiences with him that involve enough of that 'world of things' to make it kind of a no-brainer.

{I hope it's clear that the Four are spiritual entities; but they have 'many lives' as embodied, and we each perceive the others through one of those 'identities', all of which are real/alive somewhere, somewhen.}

I also had an experience where I was momentarily more-lucid-than-usual in that world--completely apart from him, mind you--and asked the woman teaching a group of us about then, were they real? And the said yeah. She said they were a genetic subset of people. But, she corrected me, they really didn't have any more altruistic concern for my people than anyone else; that part, was wishful thinking on someone's part.

Where do names and terminologies come from? If I can get the whole model of, and name of, the "12 Aeons that compose me" about 2000 years after some bloke writes it down for a little gnostic cult, should it be surprising that all kinds of "ancient names and words" might be used, correctly or incorrectly, by more modern day 'channelers' or related entities?

*

My best friend had a really powerful experience last night. He "met" my soul. Literally. She looked nothing like me but was unmistakeably me. I perceived it as a man. (He perceived it as a somewhat androgynous woman. I suspect that the soul has no innate gender and we perceive it opposite ourselves. This seems to be a given with most people who talk about 'knowledge and conversation of your holy guardian angel'.) Much like my own encounter, the most inner-amazing feeling was about the eyes. The experience moved him profoundly.

I had just earlier been praying about this; how come I haven't met my HGA directly again in so long? I'm not complaining. I can't complain about an angel. The love and calm and holiness of this... creature that is the holy core of me... puts any of that out of mind. If I have to wait a million years to see him again, I will still be honored. But... well it would be nice...

At one time, I had such a powerful draw to him, an overwhelming drive for it, a need for him. Somehow, in the last dozen years, that mellowed radically. I have not lived in the almost trembling-desperation for more of him that I had for awhile after I first encountered him.

I have consoled myself with the understanding that I was so close to 'giving in' back then, and letting my soulless body kill itself to end my awareness of being without his God-light inside me, that his joining me for a bit saved my physical life.

I didn't see him again, and not long later my whole focus and awareness changed and I seemed to just "go under a curtain of darkness" in some respects. I could literally FEEL it like there was 'a blanket of dark energy' above my crown chakra for a long time, I often spoke of this back then.

Maybe that was a mercy.

Maybe that was part of allowing me to 'rest' and 'learn'.

*

So after my friend recovered from the angelic encounter, he decided to google "HGA" (the 'Holy Guardian Angel' as it's referred to) and learn a little more about it. In the process, he stumbled on this interesting trivia. To paraphrase:

I came across the term Neshama, which to me sounded like perhaps the Noshaimus entity. The word is from QBL (Kabbalah): It is one of the three highest essences of the Human Soul, corresponding to the Sephira Binah on the Tree of Life.

I am not certain if the 'three' would be him, the Queen and Senior, or not. We are specifically Four, and we are two and two. A higher/older, lower/younger set of mates. I don't know how to get that model from the top three spheres on the tree, when I look at a picture of it.

So maybe the word is just a similar sounding thing and not really related.

But since back in '94-5, and currently, I am definitely in the midst of "dark and polarities" symbols I'm told relate to Binah, it does seem like that is some supporting evidence. For example:

April 1994:

I may as well give up on thinking at all. It's so ridiculous. Suddenly everything seems like a lie. And like deep truth. And not either of them, and sometimes both. Nothing, no word, no concept, has any fixed meaning at all. Some of the spontaneous thoughts I have are so morbidly dark, I mean quite hideous, and it's as if nothing means anything it says. Somebody can say something innocent and my mind comes up with a hundred things it means or doesn't mean, many of which are the complete opposite.

Reading books is worse: every concept seems to rest on a concept below the surface, which is the opposite, and that actually rests on something that is the opposite of that, and... I'm getting to where nothing makes sense -- yet everything makes sense, and I can't even have a conversation without all but wandering into the twilight zone.

It's as if I'm losing any ability to define things. I can't say anything is true or not true, real or not real, good or bad, right or wrong... everything seems like... everything from every perspective, all at once. How can I believe anything or hold any opinions when my perspective won't stay still?

In a way this is sort of an outward, projected version of that Nothingness experience, here things lose their definition... and from another perspective, it's almost a holographic kind of thing. Like if I traced a word or thought and what it meant, what it rested on, far enough back, I would eventually cover every word and thought there ever was.

OK what if the "Neshema" is what my mate/twin of the Four was telling me?

What if I heard something only slightly different because I had an "expectation?" Maybe I filtered or distorted it into that. I don't know.

Does this invalidate anything about the particular human-life I perceive him through as some sub-group of the Nordics? Must only one be true or the other?

Is it even possible that whole (Noshaimus) thing is real and they're named after that historical QBL thing, just like some people are named after archangels?

Ironically, the so-called Nordic aliens are even often referred to as "angelic looking". Tell me, what is it that makes us think super-blue eyed, white-haired blondes are "angelic" looking?

I questioned this back in my Bewilderness days, since my "alien" experiences introduced me to "the blondes" as I called them. I was so 'lucid' and they were often kicking my ass when I tried to escape their environment. And yet that "other me" looked awfully similar, which was just brain-crunchingly odd. And a couple months before I met "the blue eyes of soul" I met a man with eyes like that who I truly believed was an "Angel" and that blew my mind completely.

Jan 1994 (excerpted)

I saw somebody coming through the window. A blonde man. ... as he got nearer me, my body began to vibrate, I began to shake, and joy and awe overcame me. Oh my God, I thought. It must be Michael! Archangel Michael! He's real! Holy -- geeeez! He was very tall, strongly built, and his eyes were large and so very, very blue, slightly slanted. ... My body was frozen in place. I was in such awe it approached religious and sexual ecstacy combined, like being held at the upper point of orgasm and not let go; I couldn't even speak. I couldn't move. I couldn't even move my eyes. ... I was simply so overwhelmed by his presence that I was immobilized. I was fixated on his blue eyes, as if they contained me. ... I was so physically distracted I couldn't focus on anything except the visual of his eyes.

It changed my perspective without any doubt involved:

...the religious aspect of it was almost unnerving. ... Not every day do you get visited by an Angel! I was awed. ... He was a hard-core religious experience and I believed him implicitly.

But my skeptical self was really hung up on the buncha-white-guys thing:

Jan 1994

But the cynical part of me, the part that wasn't sure it believed in Angels, kicked in. What it wanted to know was, what was the connection? Why was Michael {the Angel} blonde? Why was the guy who is "me," the guy who "claimed his power," blonde also? And the fellow who beat me up in that physical seeming "captivity" dream was too. So both the good guys and the bad guys looked similar, geez, at least my subconscious could be a little clearer for convenience, you'd think! I couldn't understand why everybody was blonde. Having dark hair myself, I couldn't come up with anything in my psychology that would create that.

Jan 1994

...I guess I just can't shake my reaction to the bizarre coincidence of everybody being so damned blonde.

And finally, many months after "losing my soul" or even the delusion of such a thing, a couple months after meeting 'The Angel' as a person, I met "my core:"

March 1994

I met what I called "the blue eyes of faith" the other day. Oh god! My god! He was my Lord! He was like... gods, like this energy that WAS me, that was the most sacred part of me, it knocked my socks off, it was so exciting! I only noted his eyes for some reason, it was like somehow I "zoomed" into macro on them, connected with them, and saw nothing else. He was ME. (But he's not the blonde guy I normally see as "another aspect of me." What IS it with these white dudes anyway?) I am trembling at the thought of it. Merely thinking of him brings a flush to my body and an increase in my heart rate; a brightness inside me and a sense of glorious awe.

I felt like I met a piece of my soul, a piece I suddenly missed, suddenly realized the place for. I felt like I'd come home to God and wasn't empty, was suddenly filled with light and soul... bright light beginning as a speck in the middle of me and growing, larger and brighter, until I couldn't hold it anymore, and trembling violently had to "let go" and it spilled out of me like sunlight... I wanted to cry and cry, but I wasn't sad; I was relieved. I could feel something! He was so beautiful, so Holy, so incredible...

I love him so much the only words for my feeling is that I worship him. That's not as one-sided as it sounds. Still, for someone who hates religion that's a pretty startling admission.

Granted I'm in a more vulnerable spot for that sort of psychology than I've ever been, but... whether I wanted it or not, I don't invalidate the reality of it. He's real. He's beyond words. He's me, my innermost self, my core, my light and my love, my ultimate. And now I feel like I'm not really alone. Like there's a spark inside me, like I'm not empty, after all. I am part of other consciousness; I am part of him; I couldn't be alone if I tried. And I just cried. I couldn't quit crying. He's so beautiful. Knowing that he was there in me, he is me, he is my saving grace.

As a side effect, it makes me less afraid for my body, all this Impending Doom junk with the planet, my visions of it, I'm not so afraid anymore. I don't feel like I can be killed or separated from anything. I feel like his presence was a gift to me. I so needed it. And now I crave him and wish he would come back, please, please come back...

Do people in India meet HGA's with long dark hair and dusky skin, I wonder?

*

For those with a sense of humor who have survived this post this long: Right after meeting this "Angel of Me," was when I was told/shown/understood in a dream, plainly and by name, about the OTO -- the Ordo Templi Orientis, the magickal order of Aleister Crowley, whose entire focus turned out to be the 'knowledge and conversation of the Holy Guardian Angel' of each individual.

Talk about timing. Maybe he wanted me to give him a call.

*

Today, much like last night, I feel like I'm in a "rest-cycle pause".

But I feel "moving underneath me" energy that is much more about the angel and about "Faith" with a capital F. To be specific, it feels like THIS kind of faith:

Nov 1993 (excerpted)

There's something I realized ... I feel it's really important that I understand this:

All acceptance is by faith. Not blind faith as "trust," but faith as an absolute commitment, and when you make the latter, you realize it is the former.

Given that everything I wonder about, feel interest in, focus on, seems to show up either as experience or in "coincidence" within 12-36 hours the last few weeks, I think maybe this is some kind of built-in "preview of coming attractions."

PJ