Commitment

Tonight after work was a big meditation in some respects. I feel a number of things have changed within me that will be changing the nature of some of this from now on.

Altered state via brainsync, several in a loop for this. Opened the plateau space, went to tree, talked to IG. Let us continue what we were doing with the education on mental... whatever. The pod/booth appears around me and I relax and close my eyes as the colors start to staccato flash around me. I sense it's gone and I open my inner eyes to the same world. The bubbles haven't arrived yet, but I 'feel' they will be coming.

Ackrck was there. No, I told IG. I don't know him. I don't want that. I forced him to some distant locale to stand there, stubborn. It's confusing. I don't know why I need yet more confusing identities.

While we wait (for the worlds to arrive), I work to keep my head straight. Lots of stuff is arriving in my head for some reason. I wonder if this is IG helping 'educate' me via 'practice'. I start getting lost in it, taken away with this or that idea or memory sparked by something. I imagine an anchor, and with it, 'Will' attaches me to this space like a magnetic anchor through my middle. Ideas to entities to offbeat shapes and what seems like mental noise start to bombard me at more rapid speed. I decide there is a better way to handle this. It's like when you're juggling. You can't pay attention to everything or you screw it up. You have to relax, center yourself, and let your subconscious handle it. So I imagine that while "I" am anchored, some 'other part of me' deals with each of those things, like I have "tentacles of Aeons" and THEY can deal with it. Hey, tentacles, like the top of the buildings from that world, is where I got that idea, I see. That works.

I realize a body-shaped entity made of something almost akin to water or felt like that was suddenly 'through' mine, and she said something to me as I 'felt' her but not in body, I only felt her mentally. Something about energy and me and her, as if I was... feeding her. But it was a good thing it felt, not a bad thing, but it got my attention. I had allowed her by default, but why? She felt like him. She was turned oddly, like her head out my shoulder, her feet out my thigh on other side, but it feels like a geometry, like we are two of the shapes that make some larger form. But I don't know her, I realize, all the sudden noticing I had kind of assumed something and not been thinking clearly enough. I reject her, forcibly imagine she is some distance away from me. She's not Ackrck! I say half-accusingly to IG. At first somehow I thought she was. IG doesn't seem upset or to have an opinion. She is, in a sense, and not, also, IG says.

IG doesn't normally talk a lot and it occurs to me with some humor that she is as singularly unhelpful as most 'spiritual entities' at the moment. IG I don't want this right now I said. I cannot doubt myself at this point, it's important I keep the faith in myself and my experience. And some new entity(s) I don't even know or understand make me doubt myself all over again. Like WHY is this here, am I making this up for entertainment? For goddsakes, I already have more entities inside me than anybody sane!!

I look at Ackrck and his female-self standing some distance from me, at least, as much as I can 'see' them which is not too well. I will deal with you later, I say to them. For now, I am busy. I feel that he is ok. IG is cool with him. I feel part of me 'drawn to him' which is always a sign. But I am also feeling stubborn right now.

The bubbles have been waiting. I walk to the center of the clearing and choose one at random and it swoops to contain me. But I could not make sense of the input. I had the feeling the input was just more than my brain, used to physical reality, could deal with. I remembered Eva commenting on seeing stuff in more than 3D and the brain trying to translate that. Must be something like that, I sighed to myself. It seemed like I was freewheeling through a snow-globe of glittery pieces, with occasional flashes of color and the feel of childlike creativity. As novel as it might be, I said to myself, this is not really doing anything for me. I could probably get lost for the next seven lifetimes in all the novel pretty stuff in the inner universe. Then many lives later I'd realize I'd been sitting staring at wallpaper all that time. I don't think that's how I want to find enlightenment, or anything else really!

Me: IG, I like the worlds, but I want to spend this time doing something more constructive than play, even if it is good practice for the mental discipline I asked you to help me with. Maybe another time ok? I have some archmeds I could do, or whatever you like.

The pod appeared and I waited calmly until we had come back 'home' to the plateau.

I then have a 'realization' though I don't know where it is coming from. It's an "insight" the kind you can get while reading some 'in the spirit' writings like the Torah, where the insight may have zip to do with the content technically.

'Cleaning' first matters. I should visualize a good energy bath before I start doing this kind of work from now on.

Another 'insight' suddenly arrives in me:

The Aeons have a certain energy kinship to me. They are divisible in many ways, but in particular, three sets of what you might call sources of energy. I interrupt my own realization: did I get this from the thing I read earlier today? No answer, the information just continues. I "feel" the explanation as a knowing of some kind that also has shape, and then it is over. I consider them within the light of what I now feel. Nero Taan Bolehren Marcan are definitely the ones clearest, most like me in some way. Nedlund, Laelee, Calme, and Hot Amanakhaton are most unlike me (energies), as the issues with their forms make clear. Ithikah, Ray, L'Anna, Jared, sort of in between, very loving to me, more like me than the 2nd group, less like me than first. I find it interesting to see how instant and easy it was to divide them that way, as I hadn't thought of them separately before. I don't know what this means or why it matters. Just observational trivia maybe.

I look over at IG. Maybe I see her a little better, it seems like I can. I want to know you for who and what you really are, I tell her. I love you, I admire you. I saw my last IG more clearly when I knew him better. I see you a little better now. But I want to know you better still! Then I have a thought, and I slightly panic. Unless that means when we're integrated you leave me! I say hastily. In which case, I'm alright with not seeing you! Take your time. I feel like she is fond of me. She knows I am still traumatized over my last IG's departure and afraid she will leave me too. I know she will someday but hopefully not soon.

I start to wonder why I'm just standing around for 'insights' to arrive in the first place. I'm fine with them but I want to be more proactive. My meditation time is limited! I have a lot of work to do on myself.

For some reason I remember this phrase I read today that was so excellent, it said exactly what I have always said, but differently, and it's important:

When the Divine Light makes contact, it empowers all patterns in the psyche. It does not pick and choose.

When people have a lot of energy, it 'amplifies' their bad traits, ALL their traits, not just the good ones. I have a lot of work to do on 'dealing with' myself. I have screwed around for most of 14 years. I'm ready to deal with it now.

I have the urge to rotate a big red triangle of light around me, and then end with it in a four-sided frame pyramid of that bright red light, large, I am in the middle of. I swirl a white circle around me in a sense of 'clearing', inside the triangle, then large outside it, then it dissolves. Set a layer of 'anchor' for where I am. Another anchor layer is the structure of red light frame-like pyramid around me. Then I make another anchor and in that 'level' I create four red light triangles, slightly smaller than and spinning in the four open triangle sides of the big frame. I felt I'd done it backward, and I flipped their spin to clockwise instead, and centered myself inside the large shape with four spinning walls. They looked like fire, in their motion. I feel I have just intentionally created a protective space. "Why" this is protective I don't know, but I feel it is. Nero, and before that my previous IG, had asked me to 'visualize' red triangles and white squares or circles... but I had not really done much of it. A few days for Nero, eons ago.

I have another insight:

The pyramid and spinning triangles are a mating. A union of sorts. These aren't just pictures I made. This is from somewhere else; it's an existing archetype. I might have created this instance but that energy is basically composed of something ancient and infinite. This thoughtform is slightly more aware and interactive than it seems like something of that sort would be.

I wonder, "Why did I do that? I just feel it's the right thing to do right now. But what part of me feels that? Because the ordinary me doesn't have any real reason to do that or feel that." But I do. Whatever, it is a part of me now. I wonder how much the Aeons integration has changed me just in the last few weeks.

I have "lost" the biggest personal problem in my life. It just went away. Without warning or notice, so it took me a bit to realize it is gone. I've realized it repeatedly, in shock, as if I can hardly believe it could be so. Overwhelming guilt has been with me since it was beat into me in every situation in childhood. The amount of guilt I have carried, physically, emotionally, psychologically, over every imaginable tiny thing in my reality, things I had no part of, no ability to affect, everything, it has always been there, a heaviness, a darkness. It's just gone. I keep waiting for it to be there as if it's a dream or something impossible and any minute now it will leap out at me with an overwhelming guilt-shame-sadness-about-self effect and say, "Nyah nyah, just kidding! You should have known! Feel guilty about this too!" But it hasn't returned.

I feel better about my whole reality. More at peace, happier. I told my friend that and he pointed out that nothing had really changed in my reality. He's right. I just feel more ok with myself and the universe. Whatever I have been doing in my head the last few weeks, it might be silly, it might be overblogged, it might be confusing when it comes to cosmology, but it has damn sure made what might be one of the single largest improvements possible in my personality and life now and from now on. I guess that is real world feedback. After 44 years, about 35 of them carrying that burden, it's not as if this is some chance coincidence of timing.

I have another insight:

"Merciless" is the word I was looking for recently. Not "ruthless." I mean for my new prompt guiltless reaction to things injust that I do not tolerate. I realize that both words have negative baggage. It occurs to me that English is such a guilt-ridden, polarized language. There are few words for things which are not accompanied by a positive or negative emotion. There is no word for neither liking nor disliking someone. If you provide the absence of the positive it implies a negative, as the language is used. There is no word for disallowing something not 'just', not righteous, without emotion, and justifiably. There are only words which when used imply some negative emotion or action or quality.

I remember that the word "merciless" is used in a Thelemic book, but I understand at that moment, that this is what it means. It doesn't mean to be brutal and heartless as I suspect many think it does, as that is the 'baggage' our culture has for the term. It means to have no attachment to something at all, to anything which conflicts with divine will. Not negative in destroying, not positive in feeling guilty, compassion or compromise. It simply will not be; it cannot co-exist. (Much like the "merciless" effect at the end of that horrible "Nothingness" experience that vacuumed out my spark-of-divine-soul (or access to it) for months back in 1994: we could not co-exist.) That simply "is like it is" and when "adjusting" for divine will, it simply IS. The circumstance has no meaning you don't choose to assign to it.

Another 'insight' just appears in me, this one feels like I am looking back and seeing something in the past, how it should have been, would have been, could have been, and was, except the point of where I am looking back from, is the future.

Bewilderness book II, until 2006, and III, from then on, should be made. Then edit this into a new whole, focusing on the spiritually-related experiences as you now and will better understand them. Let it be a modern day grimoire of how to get there from here, using today's symbols and personality, not just words in ancient books, cryptic meanings buried in math. This will publish if you choose. I feel that the word "grimoire" here means "magickal manual" and again I notice how messed up English is: this has a negative connotation, usually means 'how to summon demons' or something like that, and we have no word for a 'magickal manual' that is actually decent, positive, etc. 'Self-help' book really doesn't cover it.

I look around. I feel suddenly a new realization:

My sacred space is optional... but unnecessary. I see that my sacred space is a "belief system." The tree that grew (without my assistance) on the plateau brought me out of the whole ritual to get to another reality through the cave and inside. But now I suspect some other part of me grew it there as an 'intermediary' step to right now. I understand suddenly that the whole concept of the sacred space, while valuable when needed, and to begin, it is actually a defense and a projection. The reality is that I am always where I am. I am in the center. I am always as safe as I choose to be and in accordance with my own behavior and integrity and relationships with 'larger' energies to put it inaccurately but in linear terms. I do not need to go anywhere to allow communion or anything else.

I feel determined and inspired and I "commit to it." I 'bring' the whole 'perceived universe' of it into my physical world, open my eyes and make myself see the "integrated overlay" of the two. My worlds will not be so separate anymore. I have this "sense on the outside" that this is going to have some side-effects in my life. On the bright side, negative daydreams I have already mostly quenched, in part by the new awareness that I have improved something about myself in terms of manifestation power--and I don't want to manifest that--there is more responsibility now. But I feel there will be more responsibility now. My behavior, in every sense. I look around my room. Maybe even my cleanliness. When the world is sacred and you are always in the center, and aware of it, there are a few follow-on results.

I call the Four and the three of them stand in front of me. I suddenly feel like it is time. Not just to commit to my space. But to myself, to them. I say, "I want to know you more. I want to expand my awareness. I'm ready. I commit."

I realize I'm kneeling on the ground before the Senior and the Queen. It is a natural reaction; they are holy, and just getting too close to them in my imagination sparks the reminder and instant response in me. You are part of my path and part of my God and I would know you better through me, and me better through you, and know God better through US. I will do what it takes. I stand up. Nobody has said or done anything. I feel stubborn now. The decision is MINE to make, regardless! I will do it anyway, I say plainly, firmly. But I would like your help, I need your help!

My mate reaches out to me and we merge. As we do so I say to him, I would deserve you more. I adore you. I want to be more like you.

Our merged-entity reaches out to the queen. You are so divine, we say with an adoring sigh. Let me love you.

I reach out for the Senior. Maybe I don't yet deserve you, but I want to. Help me clean up and expand so I do. He looks at me for a moment and then this big, like four foot high apple-object appears, the outside is made of something that looks like Cloisonne jewelry, that beautiful mother-of-pearl-ish finish, the large apple is deepest, richest red. It is open and empty inside with an open door. He points to the doorway. "Get in," he says. I would have to crawl in. This is unusual but I obey. The door closes and I feel that I am shrinking, until I am so small, I am the size of a pill, and then I realize this is concept not just sizing. I feel myself divide into three simultaneous me's. Each of the Four swallow a tiny apple pill that contains me. I feel all the me's pass through part of them, and like supplements designed this way, the apple shape dissolves around me just as I hit what would be the small intestine. I am dissolving, three of me, small pieces of me being absorbed rapidly in different areas, like nutrients, like I am a food, until I am 'all gone.' I imagine myself back standing in my ordinary world overlapping with my plateau world. Gee that's... biologically literal! I think. Then a huge energy stretch comes on me and I yawn and stretch for a bit.

Me: IG, why is there so much different stuff in my head?

IG: This work isn't just about archetypes. Open to spontaneity. Be flexible. Insights will come. Record them when you can.

I become aware that I'm in a nice state of mind for meditation, but I've been doing so for quite awhile. Exercise. I feel I need to move more than I need to meditate. How can I do this? It's freezing and raining both outside. It's pitch black. This is not a good time to go walking. Actually, I feel that getting up early tomorrow before work and walking to the store, no matter what the weather is, would be great, and a nice way to start the day. This is incomprehensible to some part of me that reminds me I am a) a night person and b) the laziest human alive especially in the morning. But it sounds great. (I really AM possessed!) In the meantime, I will go do some bodyweight goblin squats. Those are deep knee bends for the skinny.

I hesitate. Then again, it's a nice state of mind, I have so many archmeds that need doing...

I don't need a big formal ceremony and an hour to meditate, I hear one part of myself tell another part of myself. I'm not missing out by not continuing. Archetypes, the Four, and my Aeons, they are always with me. I am always in the center. I can gain insight and interact while making dinner if I choose.

I wonder how long it will be before there is a block of uninterrupted time that I can get back to this, and some part of me says to me:

Pray "unceasingly." Ritual is nice, all-at-once is nice, but not required.

So I wrap it up. I think I will go collect my supplements into daily portions and actually work on taking them for the first time in months.

PJ